JAMBIG

null Bigger than ZTE

Sen. Jamby Madrigal believes that the last will and testament of her late aunt Chito Madrigal-Collantes was forged. Earlier last week, Jamby was also quoted to have said that the fortune left behind by the Madrigal matriarch was even bigger than the government’s $300M cancelled contract with ZTE. So don’t be surprised if she embarks on a nationwide “truth” caravan soon.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring Sen. Jamby Madrigal (With guest appearances by her relatives)

5: Million Dollar Jamby

4: The Devil Wants Mana

3: As Good As Inggit

2: Conned Heir

And the No. 1 movie remake starring Sen. Jamby Madrigal (With guest appearances by her relatives)…

1: The Chronicles of Mana: Prince Lesbian

GAS PAIN

null High Gasoline Prices

Gas prices are getting so high… Erap’s children by different women would be carpooling to school together.

Gas prices are getting so high… Pia Cayetano is jogging to work.

Gas prices are getting so high… Meralco is blaming Napocor.

Gas prices are getting so high… Napocor is planning to buy Petron.

Gas prices are getting so high… and President Arroyo believes the solution is total annihilation of Communists in 2010.

Gas prices are getting so high… congressmen are contributing again to shoulder the funeral car’s gas for Crispin Beltran’s interment.

Gas prices are getting so high… Crispin Beltran is finally asking God to junk the oil deregulation law.

KMU on Ka Bel’s Death

The leftist Kilusang Mayo Uno is blaming the Arroyo government for labor leader Crispin Beltran’s frail health resulting in his eventual death. You think that’s absurd? Wait ‘til Liza Maza blames this government for her toilet that wouldn’t flush.

Ka Bel’s Replacement null

Militant group Anak Pawis has named Rafael Mariano as a replacement for party-list representative Crispin Beltran – instantly crushing the Budget Department’s hopes of saving millions of pesos in pork barrel allocation.

Glorietta 2 Explosion Case

The Department of Justice absolved engineers and employees of Ayala Properties Management in connection with the Glorietta 2 explosion last year. These days, Malacañang’s got its hands full with the Lopezes, it cannot afford to wage another war with the Ayalas.

Free Texting?

The Department of Transportation and Communications will file a petition to force telecoms firms to make cell phone “texting” free. Meralco executives immediately expressed support for the plan and advised the telecoms firms to just pass on to the consumers the cost of their own calls to recoup some losses.

New Nursing Curriculum

The Commission on Higher Education’s new nursing curriculum requires 2,632 hours of studying instead of the usual 2,142. It shall now include units in video production – so that uploaded YouTube videos of nurses cheering and mocking surgical patients would be of higher quality.

GMA’s Net Worth

President Arroyo’s net worth grew by 11 million last year. That figure would have been higher had ZTE’s national broadband network project pushed through.

null China’s Earthquake

China says the death toll from a powerful earthquake last week has surpassed 50,000. Observers say the quake was the “worst killer” of Chinese people in recent years – followed closely by their own government.

Personal

I’ve been called names by readers, particularly militant supporters of labor leader Crispin Beltran, because of my previous post. They’re mad. (They always are anyway.) I approved their comments so that “moderate” visitors of this blog could also read them.

My take on their personal attack against me? Nothing. Thank you for dropping by.

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” Gloria Steinem

SURPRISE!

GMA and the Olympics null

President Arroyo will attend the opening of the 29th Summer Olympics in Beijing this year. Rumors say there has just been an ex-deal between Mrs. Arroyo and the Chinese government: China gives her reserved seats in the stadium; RP gives China oil reserves at the Spratlys. Fair enough?

null GMA and the Olympics II null

President Arroyo will attend the opening of the 29th Summer Olympics in Beijing this year. Rumors say she’ll then meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao to talk about the possibility of co-hosting the 2018 Asian Games – at the Spratly Islands.

null “Surprise Witness”

The Philippine Daily Inquirer’s top story Sunday claimed that former Phil. National Oil Company president Eduardo Mañalac is the new “surprise witness” who will testify before the Senate on the NBN ZTE anomaly. However, a stunned Mañalac strongly denied the report of the Inquirer. After reading the paper, Mañalac thus became a “surprised witness.”

“Surprise Witness” II

The Philippine Daily Inquirer‘s top story Sunday claimed that former Phil. National Oil Company president Eduardo Mañalac is the new “surprise witness” who will testify before the Senate on the NBN ZTE scandal. However, the report has been categorically denied by Mañalac himself, the Senate through Sen. Panfilo Lacson, and NBN ZTE whistleblower Joey De Venecia. Mañalac may have been surprised by the Inquirer report – but for regular readers of the paper? Wala ‘yon! Sanay na kami sa Inquirer!

“Surprise Witness” III

An infuriated Eduardo Mañalac has written the Philippine Daily Inquirer and categorically denied its banner story Sunday claiming he was the Senate’s next “surprise” star witness on the NBN ZTE deal. Mañalac said, “Worse than hearsay, this article is a complete falsehood,” and hinted that he might take legal action against the Inquirer. This “star witness” is mad but right now, another star must be smiling and glad – The Philippine Star!

Cory’s Plea

Former President Corazon Aquino appealed to the public to pray for the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines to reconsider its original stand not to call for the resignation of President Arroyo. Let’s see which is more powerful: Cory or the PCSO – Pera o Prayer?

Lozada’s Wish

The other day, ZTE NBN deal witness Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada said “I’m getting my life back and I want to live a normal life.” And in case you didn’t notice, he has started living his so-called “normal life” by touring the whole archipelago – absolutely for free. Sweet!

JDV and Lakas

According to Cong. Jose De Venecia’s lawyer Raul Lambino, JDV will not leave Lakas-CMD because he will be the “konsensya” of Lakas. Hmmm, tell me: a party without conscience and a party with De Venecia as its conscience… what’s the difference?

null Morato and Lozada

PCSO director Manoling Morato lambasted ZTE NBN witness Jun Lozada saying he is as fake as his name. Sought for his reaction on Morato’s rant, Lozada allegedly replied, “No comment po ako d’yan kasi sabi po ng tatay ko… hindi dapat pinapatulan ang mga babae.”

Bad Education

Check out the latest YouTube sensation: 2008 Bb. Pilipinas-World Janina San Miguel.

Have a great week ahead!

JUNKED!

null EO 464 Scrapped

President Arroyo has officially scrapped EO 464 which barred government officials from testifying in congressional inquiries. Following her revocation of the directive though, President Arroyo ordered officials of the executive branch to attend scriptwriting workshops a day before each congressional hearing.

EO 464 Scrapped II

President Arroyo has decided to scrap EO 464 which barred government officials from testifying in congressional inquiries… reportedly sending chills down the spine of CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri who couldn’t imagine himself “coming out” in front of senators live on ANC!

null The Deal on Spratlys

Reports say President Arroyo entered into an agreement with China in 2004 allowing it to explore the disputed Spratly Islands in exchange for an $8-billion loan package. Teka lang, is there a way to check if we still are Filipinos?! Baka pati Pilipinas nabenta na, hindi lang natin alam.

JDV on Spratly Deal

Former House Speaker Jose De Venecia denied that the Spratly deal is tied to loans from China. Hanggang ngayon ba naman, in denial pa rin si JDV na nuknukan rin sha ng katiwalian?

Erap on Succession

Pardoned plunderer and former president Joseph Estrada said that “I have the constitutional right to replace President Arroyo because I was unconstitutionally removed.” Constitutionally… just shut up!

Erap on Noli

Pardoned plunderer Joseph Estrada said he is not comfortable with Vice President Noli de Castro replacing President Arroyo. Actually, kami rin – sa inyong dalawa.

null JLo’s Sanctuary Fund

The good news is that the sanctuary fund for Jun Lozada has reached 2 million pesos. The bad news: that’s not enough to launch a senatorial campaign in 2010.

JLo’s School Tour

Handlers of Jun Lozada have arranged for him a nationwide high school graduation tour where he is expected to deliver speeches. That, in fact, is a wise move considering that members of this year’s graduating class would be 18 or older by 2010 and would definitely be eligible to vote.

Tabloid Headlines: ZTE NBN and Other News

Good News: Bagong testigo sa NBN ZTE deal lulutang
Bad News: Bagong testigo, sobrang ingat dahil ayaw niyang lumutang… sa Pasig River

Good News: Senado, may bagong “surprise witness”
Bad News: Surprise witness, lalabas sa isang giant cake (may clowns pang kasama)

Good News: Bagong “surprise witness” ng Senado, hawak ni Senador Lacson
Bad News: Hawak ni Lacson? Anong surprising do’n?

Good News: Senador Lacson may bagong “surprise star witness”
Bad News: Jun Lozada, kinakabahan; takot matalbugan

Good News: Senators to unveil new star witness
Bad News: Pero belo ni Neri, ‘di nila ma-unveil

Quote of the Week

TV host/manager Lolit Solis’ reply to another scribe when the latter asked: “Sa palagay ‘po n’yo bakit maraming babae ang nagkakagusto kay Senator Bong (Revilla)?”:

“Eh kasi nga dakila si Bong noh! Malaki ang nota n’yan kaya maraming babae ang na-e-elya elya sa kanya. Kahit maglaway pa kayo sa nota ni Bong, si Lani pa rin ang legal wife noh!”

Enjoy your weekend!

THE TRUTH

Breaking News!

This is Heckler News Network (HNN) and we’re bringing you this breaking news live from an undisclosed location in the Philippines. Here’s HNN correspondent Polly T. Caliumor…

HNN Correspondent: Good evening! For the first time since President Arroyo assumed office seven years ago, HNN is giving you the exclusive, unprecedented, and I must say extremely rare interview with someone who’s been in the news recently. The political opposition has been looking for it. The bishops, the academe, the businessmen, the masses are asking for it. Even Malacañang claims to be searchin’ too.
Kaya ngayon mga mahal naming tagapanood, inihahatid namin ang matagal na ninyong hinahanap. Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon…

Pero bago ‘yan, may pakiusap nga pala siya. Sana raw ay huwag nang ipakita ang kanyang mukha. Iginagalang po natin ang kahilingan ng ating guest kaya, pagbibigyan natin siya.

Ladies and gentlemen, live ngayong araw na ito dito sa Heckler News Network, ang matagal n’yo nang hinahanap…

…  si TRUTH.
HNN: Welcome to HNN Truth.
TRUTH: Careful… careful!

HNN: Alam mo Truth, kaboses na kaboses mo si Ate Luds, eye to eye kang makipag-usap at see-true pa ang suot mo. Hindi kaya siya at ikaw ay iisa?
TRUTH: Wala namang bastusan. Pinagbigyan na nga kita sa exclusive interview ‘tapos mambabastos ka pa. Konting respeto naman. Tsaka, never kong pinangarap maging anak ‘yong tsismosang columnist ng Inquirer ‘noh!

HNN: Oh, I am so sorry. I really am. Sige, seryoso na tayo. Truth, bakit sa amin mo piniling magsalita? Bakit hindi sa GMA, sa ABS-CBN, sa ABC 5 o kaya sa Senado?
TRUTH: Ganito ‘yon ok? Kung pupunta ako sa ABS-CBN, baka maging half-truth na lang ako kapag ibinalita nila. Kung sa GMA naman… I’m sure, gagamitin lang ako sa ratings. Sa ABC 5? Ano ako, PBA?! At kung sa Senado naman… syet! Sobrang powerful at influential ng mga tao do’n. Baka pagpasok ko pa lang sa Senate compound, maging LIE na ako. Kaya dito na lang ako sa HNN, walang pinapanigan… walang pinuprotektahan… in the service of the Filipino people.

HNN: Unang tanong… bakit TRUTH ang pangalan mo?
TRUTH: Actually, TRU talaga ang pangalan ko dahil TOTOO ako… walang pagkukunwari. Pero alam mo naman, ang hirap magpakatotoo. Lalo na sa pulitika. You must exert extra effort to be believable. Kaya I try hard to be honest all the time. In fact, sa sobrang pagta-try ko, napansin ng aking nanay na nagiging TH na ko. OA na raw. Kaya ayun, nagpasya siyang dagdagan ng TH ang name ko. Ang TRU naging TRUTH.

HNN: I see. Alam mo Truth, mahigit pitong taon ka nang hinahanap ng maraming Pinoy. Obispo, estudyante, pulitiko, negosyante, squatter, komunista, Iglesia… lahat sila nagtatanong. When will TRUTH come out?
TRUTH: Whoa! Teka… teka. Linawin natin ‘to for the sake of our gullible viewers ok? Hindi po ako closet gay. When those people demanded that I come out, ibig sabihin po, lumantad, hindi lumadlad. Just so you know, hindi po bakla ang katotohanan. But don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the Danton Remotos or the Romulo Ner… I mean Rustom Padillas of this country. Nais ko lang ipaalam sa inyong lahat na walang kasarian ang katotohanan.

HNN: True! Pasok sa banga!
TRUTH: Anong sabi mo?
HNN: Ah eh… what I’m tryin’ to say was, I do agree with what you said. Eh Truth, baka gusto mong sagutin ang tanong ng marami. Where has TRUTH been? Kailan lilitaw ang katotohanan?
TRUTH: Bakit? Nawala ba ako? Never akong nawala. Kailanman ay hindi ako nawala. Sabi nga sa tagline ng paborito kong ‘90s series nina Fox Mulder at Dana Scully, ‘yong X Files: “The truth is out there.”

HNN: Out there? Saang “out there” eh three years ago pa pumutok ang “Hello Garci” controversy, pero never ka pa naming nakita. Na-expose na ‘yong kalokohan ni Jocjoc Bolante, sinundan pa nitong maanomalyang deal sa ZTE, pero may narinig ba kami sa ‘yo? Wala! At noong isang lingo… sa interfaith rally ng kulang-kulang otsenta mil na tao sa Ayala, kahit saglit ba, nakita man lang ba namin ang anino mo? H-I-N-D-I. Read my lips… hindi!
TRUTH: Tanga! Umaambon no’n, walang araw. Paano mo makikita ang anino ko! Bobo naman nitong correspondent na to! Hello!?! Michael Fajatin ikaw ba yan!?
HNN: Huwag kang magpatawa. Hindi ka kalbo at lalong hindi ka kongresista!
TRUTH: Hindi mo kasi nage-gets ang sinasabi ko eh. Hindi ako nagtago! Hindi ako nagtatago. At hindi ako magtatago. Huwag n’yo kong baligtarin.

HNN: Paanong huwag baligtarin eh never ka pa ngang nagsalita?
TRUTH: Hayyyy naku! Ang buko pie mo!
HNN: Buko pie?
TRUTH: Oo, buko pie. Ang Colette mo eh.
HNN: Ang corny huh!
TRUTH: Alam mo, kayong mga Pilipino ang may problema, hindi ako! Inuulit ko, hindi ako nawala. The TRUTH has always been there. Maraming beses na ‘kong nagsalita! Iba’t ibang venues at avenues na ang ginamit ko para mapansin n’yo. Pero matitigas ang ulo n’yo. Mayorya sa inyo, hindi man lang ako pinansin, nagtanga-tangahan… kunwari bulag… kunwari bingi. Pagkakatapos ng isang eskandalo, kapag wala na sa front page ng diyaryo… wala na. Next scandal please… Tapos umaasa na lang kayo na sana magtae at ma-confine ulit ang pangulo n’yo. O kaya atakihin ulit sa puso ang Unang Ginoo.

HNN: So ibig mong sabihin, kulang pa ang ginawa namin?
TRUTH: Actually hindi naman. Hindi kulang ang ginagawa n’yo! Kulang ang bilang n’yo! Pucha naman. Huwag naman n’yong iasa na lamang sa mga kumentarista ng DZMM o sa mga kolumnista ng Malaya ang laban. Ang dapat n’yong gawin, gisingin ang mga nagtutulug-tulugan. ‘Yong mga deadma, ipakagat sa bubuyog nang magising. Pero dapat ‘yong bubuyog… si Jollibee! (Syet, lumang joke!) Walumpung libo sa Ayala?!? Heller! Eighty million plus kayo? Nasaan ang iba?!
HNN: So ibig mong sabihin, magpapakita ka sa rally kapag umabot ang “warm bodies” sa isang milyon?
TRUTH: Tanga! Ano ako militar?
HNN: Eh kelan ka nga lalabas?!?
TRUTH: Naknamput*! Katulad ng sabi ko, nandy’an lang ako. The truth is just there. Alam ng tao ang totoo. Pero hindi ako ang kailangang lumabas o magpakita. Kayong mga Pilipino ang dapat mauna. Ang hirap kasi, in denial ang marami sa inyo eh. You do know the truth pero takot kayong tanggapin ito. Come out! Face the truth. Harapin n’yo ko!

HNN: Can you cite an instance kung kelan ka nagpakita in the past?
TRUTH: Ilang beses na! Iba’t ibang katawan na nga ang sinapian ko para lang maramdaman n’yo pero wa epek pa rin. No’ng mag-testify si Udong Mahusay, naroon ako! Pero anong nangyari? Wala. May kinasuhan ba ‘yong senador na nilapitan ni Udong? Wala! Ginamit lang siya. Pero syet naman… I was there at that very moment. Matapos ang sunud-sunod na hearing, kinalimutan na ako. And I resented that. I totally resented that!

HNN: Any message to the Filipino people na naghahanap sa ‘yo?
TRUTH: Ano ito Startalk? Message ka d’yan! Hindi na kailangan. Babati na lang ako. Salamat sa Sari-Sari for my clothes at kina Dr. Manny and Pie Calayan for my recent rhinoplasty. At sa mga nagtatanong kung bading daw ba si Dr. Manny, ito lang po ang masasabi ko. I am the Truth kaya never akong nag-lie! Lalaki po siya. Minsan!

HNN: Hypothetical lang Truth… paano kung ipa-review ng Malacañang ang aircheck ng interview na ito at ipahanap ka?
TRUTH:I doubt it. I seriously doubt it. Dahil mula’t mula pa, Malacañang knows who, where and what I am. Alam ng palasyo ang katotohanan.

HNN: Sa palagay mo, kailan mahihinto ang paghananap ng mga Pinoy sa ‘yo?
TRUTH: I think kapag na-realize nilang kasama nila ako araw-araw. Kapag mas nakakaraming bilang na sa kanila ang tumanggap sa akin. Kapag tuluyan na silang nagising na mahirap palang hanapin ang isang bagay na hindi naman talaga nawawala. I reiterate… the Truth is just out there (Play X Files Theme) Kailangan n’yo lang yakapin at ipaglaban.

HNN: Maiba ako ng usapan. Anong masasabi mo sa balitang nagkabalikan na ulit sina Gretchen at Tonyboy?
TRUTH: Naku! Hindi ko na sakop ‘yan. Kasinungalingan na ‘yan. Remember, I am the Truth. At ilang ulit ko bang sasabihin sa ‘yo na hindi ako showbiz! Wala akong hilig d’yan!

HNN: We still have a minute to go. You wanna add anything?
TRUTH: Wala na. I really need to go dahil last few episodes na ng Marimar. Ayaw kong mamiss ang kasal nila ni Sergio.

HNN: And that’s the Truth!

Have a great week!

THIS JUST IN…

null Weird Octopus!

A rare six-legged octopus has been discovered off the coast of north Wales in England. A normal octopus has eight legs. I therefore conclude that this new discovery – is an insect.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Top 12 Filipino Translations of Hollywood Movie Titles (Inspired by the Current Political Turmoil)

12: The Santa Clause: Ang Mabait na si Mike Defensor, Namimigay ng Pera

11: No Country for Old Men: Okay Sana si Salonga, Kaya Lang Matanda Na

10: There Will Be Blood: Bababa Ka Ba sa Puwesto o Hindi?!?

9: To Catch A Thief: Paano Hulihin Ang Unang Ginoo

8: Million Dollar Baby: Ang Kontrata sa ZTE

7: Invasion of the Body Snatchers: Itinakas sa NAIA

6: House of Flying Daggers: Ang Mababang Kapulungan ng Kongreso

5: Close Encounters of the Third Kind: Isang Gabi sa Piling Ni Neri

4: The Fast and the Furious: Mabilis Man Ang PSG, Naisahan Pa Rin Ng Mga Galit Na Madre

3: Liar Liar: Ang Pangulo

2: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Si Lozada, si De Venecia, at si Salceda (Bitch!)

And the No. 1 Filipino Translation of a Hollywood movie title…

1: Deliver Us From Evil: Ilayo Mo Kami sa Malakanyang

AY… WITNESS!

null Top 5 (Rumored) Desperate Plans of Some Palace People to Discredit Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada Jr.

5: Linking him politically to Joey De Venecia by circulating photographs showing the both of them getting the same style of haircut at the same salon from the same haircutter. (Aba, close nga!)

4: Distributing an edited footage of last week’s Senate inquiry leaving only the parts where Lozada is alternately seen laughing and crying. Consequently, Mike Defensor will organize a press conference to present a psychiatrist who’d tell the public that Lozada is mentally-unstable and therefore, not a credible witness.

3: Producing documents that will prove that he is a direct descendant of the Chinese family who – according to Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, “invented corruption.”

2: Presenting to the media photos of five imported goats (worth 20,000 pesos each) reportedly taken at the Lozada household. The Lozada children will later be accused of keeping them as pets illegally.

And the No. 1 (rumored) desperate plan of some palace people to discredit Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada Jr…

1: Spreading the rumor that he and ChEd Chairman (the very single) Romulo Neri are not just friends but secret lovers. (How sweet!)

Enjoy the rest of the week!