DISASTER DRILL

ON JULY 30, the MMDA will conduct a metro-wide earthquake drill from 3PM to 8PM.

ON JULY 30, the MMDA will conduct a metro-wide earthquake drill. For five hours (that’s from 3PM to 8PM), there will be no electricity in Metro Manila. Or as Mindanaoans would call it, “ordinary day.”

1C
During the earthquake drill, traffic lights won’t function which may result in traffic jams. Motorists have a term for that – “everyday.”

Mobile phone services will also be shut down. No Instagram. No Twitter. No Facebook. It will be a productive day at the office.

A metro-wide earthquake drill will be conducted on July 30 from 3PM to 8PM. That’s five hours. During the first three hours, there will be search and rescue drills. In the next two hours, there will be free viewing of the film “San Andreas.”

Prepared
According to Phivolcs, Makati is the most earthquake-ready city in Metro Manila. It has four ambulances, a fire truck, a rescue emergency van and an amphibious vehicle. The city has also procured two chainsaws, spreader, cutter, ramp, two circular saws, palm nailers, chipping hammers, demolition hammers and protective gear. Not sure if these are for disasters or for Sonny Trillanes.

1CBack to School
The Department of Education is ready for the opening of School Year 2015-2016. In fact, everything is in place: poor facilities, teacher shortage, and cramped classrooms.

K+12
President Aquino continues to push for the full implementation of the controversial K+12 program. DepEd’s basic education program covers Kindergarten and 12 years – not just 10 – of basic education. K+12 aims “to provide sufficient time for mastery of concepts and skills.” In fact, 12 years may not still be enough. President Aquino was a lawmaker for 12 years before he became president.

Liable
Vice President Binay is hurting. This, after Sen. Grace Poe signed the Senate Blue Ribbon subcommittee report recommending the filing of plunder charges against him. Poe believes that the Binays are liable for the overpricing of the construction of the Makati City Building II. In her defense, who doesn’t?

1C
No Smoking
According to the World Health Organization, tobacco kills six million people every year. In 1988, WHO passed a resolution marking May 31 as World No Tobacco Day – to raise awareness on the health-related risks of smoking. In observance of World No Tobacco Day and to help eliminate tobacco from the face of the earth, President Aquino will light up and smoke an entire pack of cigarettes.

The Department of Health says 240 Filipinos die daily from smoking-related diseases. Tito Sotto refused to believe the figure and demanded to see the death certificates.

Crime Prevention
To combat crime, 32 CCTV cameras were installed at the corner of Edsa and Taft Avenue in Pasay City. The DILG says theft and robbery are rampant in the area. Next week, CCTV cameras will be installed in the Senate, Batasang Pambansa, and city halls.

1CBad Advice
‘Eat Bulaga’ host Tito Sotto got flak from the LGBT community for telling, albeit jokingly, a homosexual father, “Ibalik sa closet!” Critics scored Sotto’s brand of humor and advised him, “Ibalik sa ‘80s!”

Beware!
Reports say there’s a single text message that has the ability to crash an iPhone when opened. The text message goes something like, “Reply YES to receive the latest KathNiel and JaDine updates.”

1CUnlimited
Google has unveiled a free online photo service that will provide unlimited storage of photos. Apparently, Google assumed that thousands of selfies and food pics on Instagram were not annoying enough.
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“Preparation doesn’t assure victory, it assures confidence.”
~Amit Kalantri

“Marami pa ring kababayan natin at sector na hindi sineseryoso [ang earthquake drills]. Unang una, nanonood lang tapos minsan nagtatawanan pa.”
~MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino

“Minsan ho talaga ang mga kritiko natin, sila lang talaga ang anak ng Diyos; sila lang ang magaling. Kaya bahala na ang Diyos sa kanila.”
~President Aquino on the K+12 critics

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Fault: Tremors Instigators.Io; Classroom: Asti Flores/GMA News; Tobaco: Holidays Images; Sotto: Indolent Indio; Napoles Party: Rappler]

HOLY SMOKE!

No to Smoking
May 31 is World No Tobacco Day. To draw attention to the negative effects of smoking, the Department of Health will hold public forums on lung cancer, respiratory diseases, aging, and President Aquino’s lovelife.

No to Smoking II
Starting Monday, the MMDA will strictly implement Republic Act 9211, which prohibits smoking in public places. Violators will be fined 500 pesos on first offense. Public places include hospitals, government offices, schools, bus & jeepney terminals, loading and unloading bays, public playgrounds, plazas, and churches. Apparently, if you’re a heavy smoker, the only safe place for you is Malacañang.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring President Aquino and his Cigarettes

No. 5: Bakit Ngayon Ka Lung Cancer?

No. 4: The Joy Halak Club

No. 3: Dude, Where’s my Tar?

No. 2: All the President’s Phlegm

And the No. 1 movie remake starring President Aquino and his cigarettes…

The Good, the Bald, and the Smelly


Marcos’ Burial
Vice President Jejomar Binay has finished conducting a survey on the issue of whether former president Ferdinand Marcos’ refrigerated body should be buried or not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus zero degrees Centigrade.

Erap in Manila
A tabloid report says former president Joseph Estrada is running for mayor of Manila in 2013. But critics say that’s not possible since Erap is a resident of San Juan. Estrada has clarified the report though saying he’s not running in Manila but in the ARMM!


ARMM Polls
Socialite and former Tarlac governor Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco said her nephew, President Aquino could not stop her from seeking the vice gubernatorial post in the ARMM. Just so you know, Tingting Cojuangco’s a feisty woman. Not even her husband Peping could stop her from getting those Botox injections.

New Rep
Ryan Luis Singson has been elected representative of Ilocos Sur’s first district replacing his jailed brother, Ronald. Unlike his Kuya, Ryan is said to be younger, gentler, and a lot more careful when in Hong Kong.

Grand Lotto
Nobody has won the 320 million-peso jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto. The PCSO says bettors have a bigger chance of winning this time mainly because Inquirer reporter Miko Morelos has stopped placing bets.

Noon, Ngayon
Noon: Ang bilanggo, dinadalaw.
Ngayon: Ang bilanggo, dumadalaw.

Noon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, naliliwanagan.
Ngayon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, nagwu-walkout.

Noon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: administrasyon at oposisyon.
Ngayon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: Balay at Samar sa posisyon.

Noon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng oppositionists!”
Ngayon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng columnists!”

Noon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa diyaryo.
Ngayon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa kanyang speech.
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“The best way to stop smoking is to just stop – no ifs, ands or butts.”
~Edith Zittler

Old Joke
Use Philip, Marlboro, Hope, and Champion in a sentence.
Answer: Philip kitang hinahanap, nasa Marlboro country ka lang pala; Hope!!! ‘Wag kang tatakas! Champion ka talaga!

-Naknampoodle, saksakan nang corny!

You Have Spoken
On Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s “Pay to Stay” proposal for rich prisoners:
– Sure! Para naman kumita ang gobyerno. 20.46%
– Tutol ako d’yan. Ano sila sinusuwerte? 74.59%
– Pag-aaralan ko muna. 4.95%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Have a safe and fun week ahead!

FENG SHUI


REPORTS SAY President-apparent Noynoy Aquino doesn’t want to live in Malacañang because it has ‘negative vibes’ on him. To prove his claim, Noynoy revealed that whenever he was at the palace during the presidency of his mom, “Lagi akong ‘game over’ sa Pacman.”

Noynoy Aquino was quoted to have said that he doesn’t want to stay in Malacañang because the palace has “negative vibes” on him. He is now choosing between his house on Times Street and the Manila Cathedral!

President-apparent Noynoy Aquino says he will not live at the Arlegui mansion inside Malacañang compound because “Living in it, by myself, will just emphasize being alone,” – to which Ninoy and Cory said, “Anak, hindi ka nag-iisa!” Awoo!


Eighty Percent
Do you still remember Noynoy Aquino’s pre-election promise that if elected president, he’d be sharing up to 80 percent of his job with his one and only partner Mar Roxas? Well, here’s the latest: Mar Roxas has just sent his ‘No, thanks!’ message.

The bad news is Noynoy Aquino won’t be able to share up to 80 percent of his presidential powers with Mar Roxas. The really bad news is Jejomar Binay is reportedly willing to take 100 percent.

Now it can be told! Remember when Noynoy Aquino promised to share up to 80 percent of his job with Mar Roxas? Rumors say Roxas told Noynoy, “You want me to do 80 percent of your job?!? Who the hell do you think you are, Korina?!?”

World No-Tobacco Day
The World Health Organization declared May 31 as World No-Tobacco Day, or as Noynoy Aquino would call it, “Whateverrr!”

Congress & Canvassing
Congress has started counting electronically-transmitted votes for president and vice president. Apart from computer glitches, authors of the elections automation law admit they did not foresee a much bigger problem that threatens to further delay the canvassing – Didagen Dilangalen.

Inquirer is No. 1
According to the latest survey conducted by The Nielsen Co., the Philippine Daily Inquirer is the No.1 newspaper in the country followed by the Manila Bulletin and the Philippine Star. The Manila Times is planning to sue Nielsen after the paper placed 6th.

The latest Nielsen survey showed that the Philippine Daily Inquirer is the No. 1 newspaper in the country today. To beat the Inquirer, the Philippine Star is reportedly getting Chiz Escudero as endorser.
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“Home is where you can scratch where it itches.”
~Anonymous

Surveys Says
Sa pangkalahatan, ano ang masasabi mo sa presidency ni Gng. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo?
Excellent job! 5%
Good work! 11%
Puwede na. 20%
Buwisit! 64%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
GMA News.TV: How did the presidential and vice-presidential candidates do in your province?

Newsbreak: Corona’s somersaults

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