14 02 2009

Top 10 Political Valentine Card Messages

10. To Lance Corporal Daniel Smith
From New Bilibid Prisons Inmates

Roses are red
Violets are blue
We’re so excited
Can’t wait for you.

9. To The Senate
From Jocjoc Bolante

How do I lie thee?
Let me count the ways.

8. To the Three Alabang Boys
From PDEA Director Dionisio Santiago

O, drug dealers na makapangyarihan
Sampung prosecutors ang nasasaklawan
Kapag pumasok kayo saan mang kulungan
Susuhulan lahat lumaya ka lamang.

7. To DOJ Prosecutor John Resado
From The Alabang Boys

Thank you for tryin’
we appreciate it
Just return our money
or get mired in deep shit.

6. To All German Nationals in the Philippines
From Sen. Lito Lapid with Love on Valentine’s Day

Penpen de sarapen
De kutsilyo de almasen
Haw haw de carabao
De van hauten.

5. To Loren
From Your ex, Tony Leviste

All alone in my cell, I think of you my darling
Will you visit me today for an hour of canoodling?
I’ve got a bed, two soft pillows, and a tv set to boot
I vow to be gentle, I promise not to shoot!

4. To Ping and Jamby
From Manny Villar

On Valentine’s Day I forgive, I forget
Just stop the big fuss about the C-5 budget
Double insertion? Did you say I’m guilty?
My wife’s a billionaire so that’s a baloney!

3. To Korina
From Mar Roxas

Thanks for the support oh my dearest one
Next year, I promise, we’ll be in Malacañang
“First Lady” of the land, isn’t that what you wanted?
And I, your President, ‘tang ina, I’m excited!

2. To The World Bank and the Senate
From First Gentleman Mike Arroyo

On this day of hearts, I appeal to thee
My heart is so weak, so please have some mercy
Hearsay! Malicious! The reports are baseless
Even if you ask Merceditas Gutierrez!

And the No. 1 Political Valentine Card Message…

1. To President Arroyo
From US President Barack Obama

I really am sorry for ignoring you dear
I just don’t feel comfy whenever you’re near
My target is to make the U.S.A. better
While your only goal is to change a Charter!

Another New York Plane Crash
A Continental Express plane with 48 people aboard crashed into a Buffalo home in upstate New York. But here’s a more shocking revelation. Unknown to everyone, during US President Barack Obama’s inauguration, a commercial plane ran out of gas while flying over Washington DC. Luckily, the pilot safely landed the aircraft… on Aretha Franklin’s hat.

paule Paule in Pasay
Remember businessman Jaime Paule? The alleged bagman in the P728M fertilizer fund scam who was ordered arrested by the Senate at the St. Luke’s Medical Center is now detained at the Pasay City jail. Isn’t that a double whammy? Makukulong ka na nga lang sa Pasay City Jail pa! And did you see the detention cell? That’s not a jail man. That’s a cage!

Australian Wildfires
Australian authorities have arrested an arson suspect responsible for the wildfires that have so far killed 181 people and left thousands homeless. Nope, there’s no truth to rumors that the suspect was arrested at the St. Luke’s Medical Center.

Check out the fascinating story about a boy who fathered a child at 13.

Survey Says…
Are you going out on a romantic date on Valentine’s Day?
No: 36%
Date? What date?! : 32%
Hopefully: 18%
Yes: 14%
Others: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

“Minamalat na naman ang puso ko. Pa’no kasi, laging isinisigaw ang pangalan mo.”
~Filipino Pick-up Line



16 01 2009

Geez, Geese!
A US Airways jetliner crashed into New York’s Hudson River after a collision with a flock of birds. Sought for a reaction, outgoing US President George W. Bush said he knew that Al Qaeda had been training geese as a weapon of mass destruction.

War on Drugs
Remember my previous post about President Arroyo appointing herself as the government’s anti-drug czar? She said the fight against illegal drugs would be waged from three fronts: law enforcement, judicial action and policymaking. Of course, her job against drug traffickers and drug dealers would be a lot easier… if she starts with the abolition of the DOJ.

Can you believe it? Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales had said that Major Ferdinand Marcelino’s (yeah, that honest witness) participation in the operations of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency was “unconstitutional.” Ladies and gentlemen, meet the new lawyer for the Alabang Boys!

3422ed67c2 Senate’s Biggest Spenders
According to the Commission on Audit, senators Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada, and Lito Lapid were among the Senate’s three biggest spenders for the year 2007. The actors spent nearly 47 million pesos that year! But you know what’s more surprising about the COA report? Revilla, Jinggoy, and Lapid were senators! Yeah they are. Amazing!

Now hear this. Detained senator Antonio Trillanes spent more than 8 million pesos in six months alone. If you double that amount to simulate a 12-month service, the Oakwood mutineer would be spending more than 16 million pesos making him the biggest spending legislator in the Senate ever. And he’s not even an actor!

The Commission on Audit reported that Sen. Manny Villar is one of thriftiest senators in 2007. Senators Panfilo Lacson and Jamby Madrigal refused to believe the ranking and instructed COA auditors to verify its report just to make sure there was no double entry under the name “Manuel Villar.”

Senator Joker Arroyo is the most frugal member of the Senate. He is also proud of his perfect attendance as a lawmaker for 17 straight years… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said,”Wala ‘yan! Bakit? Kaya ba niya ang five straight years na laging tulog sa session?”

leviste Leviste Guilty
Former Batangas governor Jose Antonio Leviste has been sentenced to 12 years in prison for shooting dead his long-time aide. When his ex-wife Loren Legarda heard the news, she said, “Tama ang manghuhula! This is my year!”

After his sentencing, former Batangas governor Tony Leviste told the media, “I am innocent.” That was the exact same line uttered by Loren Legarda when her marriage to Leviste collapsed.

For killing his long-time aide Rafael De Las Alas in January 2007, former Batangas governor Jose Antonio Leviste – father of famous athlete Toni Leviste has been sentenced to 12 years in prison. Excited inmates at the Makati City Jail couldn’t wait to play “equestrian” with him.

3422ed67c1 De La Paz’ Golf Shares
Businessman Delfin de la Paz is selling his shares at the Valley Golf and Country Club following his expulsion. Prospective buyers must have knowledge of karate, aikido, or any form of self-defense.

Survey Says…
Here’s the result of our survey: Who’s the most annoying?
Mikey Arroyo – 40%
Jinggoy Estrada – 28%
Kris Aquino – 28%
Others – 4%

Funny. One respondent even answered: Niñez Cacho-Olivarez of the Daily Tribune. Another, Willie Revillame.

We have a new survey. Vote now!

Thanks to everyone who sent their greetings. One of my birthday wishes has also been granted: Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. Have a great weekend!

“You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.”
~ Abraham Lincoln


12 11 2008

Birthday Boy Binay
Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay celebrated his 66th birthday yesterday, November 11. Residents of Makati couldn’t believe Binay was only 66 years old… considering that he’s been the mayor of Makati for like 75 years.

Supporters of Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay are comparing him to US President-elect Barack Obama. They’re both from the opposition, they’re both “black,” and they’ve been both snubbing President Arroyo.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay has announced his intention to run for president in 2010. Binay is reportedly hoping to become this country’s Barack Obama. Guess who’s running as his vice president? Jovito Salonga.

What else does the grapevine say? Oh, there’s the rumor that Korina Sanchez has expressed willingness to become Obama’s Oprah and that Archbishop Oscar Cruz wants to be the local version of the Reverend Jesse Jackson. As for the role of Joe the Plumber, Binay might pick obscure characters like Joe the Taho Vendor, Joe the Taxi Driver, or maybe something more obscure like, Joe the Former Speaker.

Makati City Mayor Jojo Binay has declared his bid for the presidency in 2010. When Panfilo Lacson heard this, he told his staff, “Research n’yo nga ang budget ng Makati for its road projects.”

Followers of Mayor Jejomar Binay are comparing him to US-president elect Barack Obama whose victory was eagerly predicted (less than a day after the voting) by its supporters in the media: CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC and CBS. In fact, even before yesterday’s Makati City rally could finish, Binay’s win was already predicted by ABS-CBN, the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the Daily Tribune, and Malaya.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is projecting himself as the Barack Obama of the Philippines. Now hear this: Loren Legarda wants to be the next Sarah Palin, a simple woman whose hobbies include shooting moose in Alaska. In fact, just to learn how to shoot, Loren’s willing to reconcile with Tony Leviste.

Yesterday, November 11, Makati City came out with full-page newspaper advertisements hailing Mayor Jejomar Binay’s rags-to-riches story. Not to be upstaged is former senator John Osmeña who’s also coming out with full-page ads on his drags to bitches story.

Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Mayor Jejomar Binay’s Presidential Campaign

5: Kung nais mo ng liwanag, iboto ang DILIM.

4: Feeling tired? Looking haggard? Sagot ni Binay ang yellow card!

3: Gilagid man ay maitim, malinis naman ang hangarin.

2: No Retreat, No Surrender, Kahit May Kasong Plunder!

And the No.1 rejected slogan for Mayor Jejomar Binay’s presidential campaign…

1: Sinimulang pandarambong sa munisipyo
Ipagpapatuloy ko sa palasyo!
(Promise, may share uli kayo.
Ooops, joke lang po ito!)

(This post was featured on TV5’s TEN:The Evening News on November 12, 2008.)

Miriam Too?
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she might consider running for president “just to be a spoiler” then added that the idea of seeking another Senate term already makes her yawn… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Ay oo, masamang maghikab sa session. Kaya ako, itinutulog ko na lang.”

God and Showbiz
Asked about her recent break up with (alleged) boyfriend, Sam Milby, young actress Anne Curtis said, “Kailangan niyang mag-concentrate muna do’n sa relationship niya with God,” to which God said, “Whaaaatever!”

The ambitious are forever followed by adulation for they receive the most pleasure from flattery.
–Oliver Goldsmith


3 06 2008

null Jude Marries, Finally!

Joseph Estrada’s 40-year-old son Jude Estrada takes home a bride. That should finally quell rumors that Erap and Loi actually have two daughters.

Erap’s Advice

During the wedding of his son Jude, former president Joseph Estrada told him, “Limit your children kasi mahal ang bigas.” Jude then hugged his father tightly and whispered, “Dad, thanks a lot! That’s the best advice you’ve given me, ever!”

The Bride’s Promise

At the reception, Jude Estrada’s new wife, Ma. Rowena Ocampo declared, “No matter what they say about you, I will always be here for you.” That’s the exact statement Eric Valade told Jamby Madrigal when they got married in 2002.

Top 5 Things Overheard At the Wedding of Jude Estrada

5: “Pare, ‘wag kang mawalan ng pag-asa sa anak mong tomboy. Malay mo, ikaw naman ang sumunod na makaranas ng himala.”

4: Female Voice: “Hon, anong feeling mo na ikakasal na tayo?”
Male Voice: “Keri lang. Promise.”

3: “Hmmm, siya pala ang bride. Magkano kaya?”

2: “I now pronounce you – Will and Grace, er, I mean, husband and wife.”

And the No.1 thing overheard at the wedding of Jude Estrada…

1: “Daddy, Mommy, Kuya, Ate… siguro naman, maniniwala na kayo ngayon na hindi ako bakla. Tingnan n’yo naman ang asawa ko, ang ganda ganda. Ako ang nag-make up d’yan!”

Pia and Downy

Defending her endorsement of Downy Fabric Softener, Sen. Pia Cayetano said, “I personally lent my name to a good cause, which is saving water.” Today’s lesson: “Huwag itapon ang pinagbanlawan. Gamitin sa susunod na saing.”

null Loren On Noli’s Ads

Lucida DS endorser Sen. Loren Legarda slams Vice President Noli De Castro for allegedly spending 200 million pesos in public funds for PAG-IBIG Fund’s advertisements which she describes as being used to promote his political plans. De Castro retaliated by saying that he’s at least promoting housing unlike Legarda who’s promoting whitening.

Pag-IBIG On Noli’s Ads

Pag-IBIG Fund clarified that only 50 million pesos was spent for Vice President Noli De Castro’s public service ads. But Loren Legarda is still furious. Even if she loses half of her body’s melanin pigment, Lucida wouldn’t spend that same amount for her billboards.

Loren on 2010 Polls

Talking about the 2010 presidential elections, Sen. Loren Legarda told the media, “Tatakbo ako. Kahit ayaw nila akong patakbuhin, tatakbo ako.” When Loren’s jailed ex-husband Tony Leviste heard her statement, he blurted out, “Masanay na kayo. Lahat tinatakbuhan n’yan!”

Lakas Line-Up

Lakas leaders released the names of tentative senatorial candidates for the 2010 national elections led by presidential son Mikey Arroyo. After learning about the inclusion of Mikey, thousands of Filipinos expressed support for the no-elections scenario.

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