NO DEAL

amonged Panlilio for President?
Pampanga governor Ed Panlilio’s supporters want him to run for president in 2010. Rumors say Panlilio is willing to accept the challenge if and only if every city and municipality in the country would open a quarry site.

Panlilio for President? II
Pampanga governor Ed Panlilio says he won’t leave the priesthood even if he runs for president. But that’s okay. After all, a number of our senators and congressmen didn’t leave the circus when they ran for Congress.


“Alabang Boys” Case
Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez has ordered the filing of charges against high-profile suspected drug dealers Richard Brodett, Jorge Joseph and Joseph Tecson otherwise known as the “Alabang Boys.” State prosecutor John Resado felt so guilty he decided to just return the 1.6 million pesos to the boys’ relatives.

“Alabang Boys” Case II
After more than six months, Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez has finally ordered the filing of charges against the Alabang Boys. When the news came out, Embassy Super Club co-owner Tim Yap received several text messages that read, “We’re sorry for your loss.”

jaloss1 Jalosjos Goes Malling
A couple of days after his release from prison, convicted rapist and former Zamboanga Del Norte congressman Romeo Jalosjos went to the mall. He spent an hour shopping, an hour eating, two hours at the movies, and half a day “strolling” at Toy Kingdom’s Barbie and Bratz dolls section.

pacman Pacquiao Backtracks
A day after insisting that his May 2 fight will be shown on ABS-CBN, Manny Pacquiao backtracked and decided to honor his legally binding contract with Solar Sports. In a period of only four days, Pacquiao became Kapuso, Kapamilya, and Katawa-tawa.

dyanc ABS-CBN’s celebration was cut short when Manny Pacquiao decided to honor his contract with Solar Sports. Because of this development, ABS-CBN will no longer give a bonus to Dyan Castillejo.

Inquirer columnist Beth Celis said a lady brokered the aborted deal between Manny Pacquiao and ABS-CBN. Did I say ABS-CBN is no longer giving Dyan Castillejo a bonus?

In a press conference yesterday, Manny Pacquiao revealed that the statement he read during an ABS-CBN newscast insisting that his fight would be shown on the Kapamilya channel was actually prepared by representatives of the network. Sources say the prepared statement was actually drafted by the writers of “Maalaala Mo Kaya.”

Did you see Dyan Castillejo’s futile attempt to get a statement from Manny Pacquiao outside his training camp in Los Angeles? Geez, the rumor must be true after all! Dyan will replace Nicolette Sheridan in “Desperate Housewives.”

This Just In! Sketchy reports say Manny Pacquiao will not be wearing shoes when he fights Ricky Hatton on May 2! You know what he’s going to wear? Flip-flops.

_________
“Lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life.”
~Napoleon Hill

MEN OF SUBSTANCE 2


Top 10 Shocking Findings of the Independent Probe Conducted on the Alabang Boys Bribery Scandal

10: The Alabang Boys were actually fraternal triplets.

9: When Alabang boy Jorge Joseph (son of Johnny Midnight) was nabbed by PDEA agents, he was carrying three liters of toning water.

8: Tim Yap and his Embassy friends are regular visitors of the Alabang Boys at the PDEA detention cell bringing with them big placards that say: “Justice for the Alabang Boys, Justice for All Social Users!”

7: The parents of the Alabang Boys were loyal clients of DOJ Prosecutor John Resado’s lending business.

6: The controversial DOJ letterhead where the release order was drafted by one of the lawyers of the Alabang Boys (for the DOJ Secretary to sign) is being sold in Recto Avenue, Manila for years.

5: There was a fourth Alabang Boy, and a fifth, a sixth, a seventh, an eight, a ninth, a 10th, an 11th, a 12th, a 13th, a 14th and so on. They’re just out there.

4: A surprise witness, Clarissa Ocampo claimed she was one foot away when a relative of one of the Alabang Boys deposited the bribe money to the bank account of DOJ prosecutor John Resado.

3: The Alabang Boys attempted to bribe DOJ Secretary Raul Gonzales with a year-long supply of Viagra. He felt insulted and didn’t sign the release order.

2: When one of the Alabang Boys was chased during the buy-bust operation, he tried to seek refuge at the St. Luke’s Medical Center (clasping his chest), but PDEA agents caught him before he could reach the hospital.

And the No. 1 shocking finding of the independent probe conducted on the Alabang Boys bribery scandal…

1: This is a high-profile scandal, right? But guess what? The Alabang Boys were not Ateneans!

In Other News…
Japanese finance minister Shoichi Nakagawa is stepping down following reports that he was drunk at a recent G-7 news conference in Rome. In announcing his plan to quit, Nakagawa said, “I have caused trouble to the people.” If Filipino politicians were to emulate Nakagawa, we’d be a leaderless nation right now.

Citibank Client Goes Berserk?
Is this for real? You be the judge.

R&B: Rhythm and Bloodied
Here’s a photo of R&B artist Rihanna after being assaulted by boyfriend Chris Brown.
________________
“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying… that he is wiser today than yesterday.”
~Jonathan Swift

RELAX, SEE A MOVIE

Top 20 Movie Casting Choices That Were Meant to Be 2

20: ex-Sen. Ramon Revilla Sr.: Staying Alive

19: Vicki Belo & Ellen Lising: House of Wax

18: DOJ Sec. Raul Gonzales: The Jerk

17: Sen. Antonio Trillanes: Chasing Liberty

16: Tim Yap/DJ Montano: Close Encounters of the Third Kind

15: Mrs. Rose Flaminiano: Super Size Me

14: The Gucci Gang with the special participation of Ms. Nora Aunor: Romancing the Stone

13: Shell, Petron, and Caltex: Liar Liar

12: ABS-CBN News’ Maria Ressa: The Punisher

11: Nadia Montenegro: Grease

10: Doña Mary Ejercito: 10,000 BC

9: Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada: The Man Who Knew Too Much

8: Sen. Lito Lapid: Artificial Intelligence

7: ex-Sen. John Osmeña: Girl, Interrupted

6: (tie) MILF’s Kumander Bravo and Umbra Kato: Psycho and Jose “Joey” De Venecia III: V for Vendetta

5: Panfilo Lacson and Jamby Madrigal: Sister Act

4: Sen. Manuel Villar: Two for the Road

3: Sens. Loren Legarda & Edgardo Angara: An Inconvenient Truth

2: Claudio Teehankee Jr.: While You Were Sleeping

And the No. 1 movie casting choice that was meant to be…

1: Sen. Francis Pangilinan: Unfaithful

See also The Top 20 Movie Casting Choices That Were Meant to Be

CONTINGENCY FUND

null PNP’s “Contingency Fund” Mess
Former PNP comptroller Eliseo dela Paz (who attended the 77th Interpol Assembly in St. Petersburg) has been cleared by Russian custom officials after he and his wife were questioned for two hours in Moscow for carrying 105,000 thousand euros or 6.9 million pesos worth of undeclared cash. De La Paz was allowed to leave despite the fact that he was able to answer only one of two questions poised by Russian officials: One, “Why are you carrying that huge amount of money? And two, “What the f*ck is your wife doing at the Interpol conference?”

PNP’s “Contingency Fund” Mess II null
Former PNP comptroller Eliseo de la Paz who was attending an Interpol conference in Moscow was questioned along with his wife, by Russian customs officials for carrying 105,000 thousand euros 6.9 million pesos worth of undeclared cash. De La Paz said a portion of the money was from a friend who asked him to buy watches. PNP spokesman Chief Supt. Nicanor Bartolome claimed it was “travel contingency fund” that came from the PNP. President Arroyo announced the money came from the World Bank.

PNP’s “Contingency Fund” Mess III
According to reports, former PNP comptroller Eliseo de la Paz, who was questioned for two hours in Russia for carrying 105,000 thousand euros or 6.9 million pesos worth of undeclared cash, will reportedly return to Manila on Tuesday, October 21. But De La Paz was quick to deny the report saying it was impossible for him to return on Tuesday… because his wife is not done shopping yet.

Top 7 Movies Starring Former PNP Comptroller Eliseo de la Paz and his Wife

7: You Don’t Mess with the Russian

6: Invasion of the Money Snatchers

5: The Lord of Laundering: The Two Robbers

4: Harry Potter and Wallet on Fire

3: The Year of Shopping Dangerously

2: Mamma Millions!

And the No. 1 movie starring former PNP comptroller Eliseo de la Paz and his wife…

1: BELAT: Cultural Learnings of Russia for Make Benefit Notorious Police Officers of Pilipina

null In Other News…
Loren and Angara
Asked by showbiz reporters if there’s truth to persistent rumors linking her to Sen. Edgardo Angara, Sen Loren Legarda replied, “Diyos ko naman! Galing na nga ako sa matanda. Pupunta pa ba ako sa mas matanda?” When Senator Angara heard this, he said, “Hoy! Mas bata naman ako nang makuha kita ‘no!”

Davao Millionaire
The lone winner in last week’s super lotto draw has reportedly claimed the jackpot prize. That makes him the Filipino with the biggest amount of money in his hands right now. Coming in at second is former PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz.

Joey-Willie Bury Hatchet null
Fierce rivals Willie Revillame and Joey De Leon, whose fiery and nasty exchange made headlines recently have reportedly “kissed and made up” during an event held at Tim Yap’s Embassy Super Club. Skeptics however have doubted the sincerity of the two hosts… because if it happened at Embassy, there’s a huge chance they were just drugged.

Elsewhere…
Check out this hilarious video. Garden wedding, anyone?

Are you familiar with Patani, the overexposed Survivor Philippines castaway/outcast? Check out her unedited Friendster profile.

__________
Money: There’s nothing in the world so demoralizing as money.
– Sophocles

PHILIPPINE BLOG AWARDS 2008: OMG!


This is surreal.

I still can’t believe that The Professional Heckler has just won in this year’s Philippine Blog Awards. I actually planned to attend the awards ceremonies at One Esplanade but I forgot to print my e-ticket so I decided to just watch it online. I didn’t expect to win anyway mainly because I was up against Supreme.ph, the site being maintained by Tim Yap and other Philippine Star (society) columnists.

But the judges thought otherwise.

Thank you, thank you judges for the recognition.

Yup, local politics is far more entertaining than entertainment itself.

To all the winners (like schoolmate Tonyo Cruz who took home the Best Blog: News and Media category for Tonyocruz.Com), and finalists, congratulations!

To my co-finalists in the Best Blog: Entertainment category, OMG! I can’t believe you lost!

Hahaha! You’ve just been heckled!

Thank you to the Philippine Blog Awards 2008!

I owe you one.

To this blog’s loyal readers (including my family), visitors, fans, and detractors… maraming-maraming salamat sa inyong patuloy na pagsubaybay.

To Sheila Coronel (formerly of the Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism), the first journalist to notice my political humor posts, thanks for the motivation.

And lastly to Ma’am Charo, Tita Cory, Tita Mariol, Mr. M, Tito Deo, Mr. Gabby Lopez, Attorney Gozon, Ma’am Wilma, Ms Marivin Arayata, Ms Darling De Jesus, Ms. Annette Gozon, and to my Star Magic and GMA Talent Center families… thank you so much for the support.

More heckling to come.

Here’s the complete list of winners.

FAMOUS EPITAPHS


Top 15 Epitaphs of Local Celebrities

15: German Moreno: “Kahit saan, kahit kailan, walaaaaaang tulugan.”

14: Tim Yap: “Buhay coke, tikman n’yo. Ang sarap dito.”

13: Madam Auring: “Where she truly belongs.”

12: Jamby Madrigal: “My relatives were right. Health is wealth.”

11: Former Press Sec. Ignacio Bunye: “The epitaph you are reading has been edited. In fact, there are two epitaphs. One is fake, the other is the original.”

10: Kris Aquino: “A caring mother. A loving daughter. A loyal wife. Promise, true ‘yan. Ask n‘yo pa si Boy. Ahahahah!”

9: Jose Maria Sison: “In self-exile… forever.”

8: Meralco chairman Manuel Lopez: “May liwanag ang (kabilang) buhay.”

7: Jocjoc Bolante: “Ready for his final mission: To fertilize the earth.”

6: MILF chairman Al Haj Murad: “Finally… peace.”

5: Sen. Manuel Villar: “Inside his final housing project.”

4: First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: “Veni, vidi, vicky.”

3: Joseph Estrada: “That’s all Polk!”

2: Cong. Jose De Venecia: “Reunited with his political career.”

And the No. 1 celebrity epitaph…

1: President Arroyo: “Here lies…”

SICK


Long Holiday
Residents of Metro Manila are taking advantage of the three-day weekend by going out of the city for rest and recreation. It’s also the best time for Filipinos to visit the provinces while they’re still part of the Philippines.

President, Sick?
Reports say a combination of dinuguan and bilu-bilo downed President Arroyo last week. Militant congressmen are filing a bill to officially name both dinuguan and bilu-bilo “mga pambansang pagkain ng Pilipinas.”

President Arroyo attended a barangay fiesta in Lubao, Pampanga on Saturday dismissing rumors she was struck with an illness. In fact, just to prove she was as healthy as ever, the president gamely participated in the indigenous games held at the fiesta. Wearing a hula skirt… pumayag siyang maging sipa.

CPP-MILF Alliance
Self-exiled communist leader Jose Maria Sison proposed an alliance between the CPP-NPA and the Moro Islamic Liberation Front. MILF leaders vowed to consider the proposal on one condition – that both groups would have equal number of representatives in Congress.

Plaza Miranda Bombing
August 21, 2008 marks the 31st anniversary of the Plaza Miranda bombing. The CPP-NPA will also be celebrating on that day as it marks the 31st year of denying it had a hand in the bombing.

PDEA Watch List
A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says a grandson of a former president and a male multimedia personality are on the watch list of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency for cocaine and ecstasy abuse and dependency. When Borgy Manotoc read the article, he immediately phoned Imee Marcos and asked, “Mom, is lolo a former a president?”

PDEA Watch List II
A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says a grandson of a former president and a male multimedia personality are on the watch list of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency for cocaine and ecstasy abuse and dependency. When Tim Yap read the article, he exclaimed, “Malinis ang konsensya ko. Hindi dating pangulo ang aking lolo. At lalo namang hindi ako ‘yong multimedia personality. Look! It’s says there o, male. Hello?!?”

FAMOUS, INFAMOUS

null Unpopular

According to the Social Weather Stations, only 22% of Filipinos were satisfied with President Arroyo’s performance. The news did not come as a surprise to First Gentleman Mike Arroyo mainly because her performance has not satisfied him for years either.

Unpopular II

Only 1 out of 5 Filipinos are satisfied with President Arroyo’s performance… meaning, when she’s at the dinner table with the First Gentleman, Luli, Dato, and Mikey, she’s the only one satisfied with her performance.

Unpopular III

Dismissing President Arroyo’s historic-low approval rating, her allies stressed that the presidency is not about popularity, and cited her determination to fight poverty, corruption, and organizations like the Abu Sayyaf, the New People’s Army, and more recently, SWS and Pulse Asia.

GMA’s SONA

July 28, 2008 is a special day for both the administration and the opposition. President Arroyo will deliver her 8th State of the Nation Address on that day while the opposition is celebrating the 8th anniversary of its failure to unseat her.

Top 5 Rumors About President Arroyo’s Sona that Were Dismissed by Malacañang As Untrue

5: Her speechwriter refuses to review the draft speech because every time she does, she would always throw up.

4: People at the gallery who shall applaud her speech will get instant gas coupons per applause.

3: To show her empathy for the masses who are most affected by the skyrocketing cost of petroleum products, she’ll go to Batasan Complex on foot.

2: In 2001, she invited three Payatas children ak.a. “Bangkang Papel” boys to highlight her government’s campaign against poverty. This year, to underscore the government’s fight against terrorism, she has invited Jimmy Encarnacion, Angelo Valderrama, and Ces Drilon (minus the makeup).

And the No. 1 rumor about President Arroyo’s Sona that was dismissed by Malacañang as untrue…

1: Judy Ann Santos will deliver a speech right after the president’s Sona to explain the state of the nation further.

The Lucida-DS Case

United Shelter Health Products, the local distributor of the controversial Lucida-DS whitening drug refused to withdraw its products from the market and insisted that the Bureau of Food and Drugs’ claim that Lucida-DS contained insufficient glutathione was a mistake. Coincidentally, United Shelter has withdrawn its deal with Sen. Loren Legarda and insisted that the decision to get her as endorser was a mistake too.

Terrorists All?

Headline from Mindanao: Catholics in the South getting threats from suspected Abu Sayyaf
Headline in Manila: Pro-choice politicians getting threats from Catholic priests

Personal

Brian Gorrell, the controversial Australian-Canadian blogger and florist who exposed the debauchery and nefariousness of the so-called Gucci Gang has cited this blog in his recent blog post. His flattering compliment and endorsement have helped this site (The Professional Heckler) establish its own weekend readership record of sorts for the month of July. Thank you Brian. And keep on fighting.

LOWTATHIONE

Anwar and GMA

Former Malaysian Deputy Premier Anwar Ibrahim was arrested for sodomizing a former aide. GMA is far more fortunate. She keeps screwing millions Filipinos and no one has filed a suit.

The Population Debate

President Arroyo is reportedly taking the side of the bishops on the raging issue of population management. So don’t be surprised if a reporter attempts again to ask GMA about her sex life, and she replies with, “Plenty.” She’s just being Catholic.

null Loren and Lucida

Sen. Loren Legarda ordered the dismantling of her Lucida-DS billboards after the Bureau of Food and Drugs recalled the whitening product from the market because its glutathione content was insufficient. Loren also asked the manufacturer of Lucida to explain why it mislabeled the product, why it deceived the public, and why was her talent fee as endorser much lower than Gabby Concepcion’s.

Loren and Lucida II

Following BFAD’s recall order on the controversial whitening product Lucida-DS, Sen. Loren Legarda ordered the dismantling of Lucida-DS billboards showing her as endorser. Loren reportedly believed BFAD’s findings that Lucida-DS contained insufficient amount of glutathione when she noticed no significant change in her dark armpits despite repeated intake of the product.

The Isnajis and the ARMM Elections

The Philippine National Police barred detained Indanan, Sulu Mayor Alvarez Isnaji and his son, Haider, from campaigning outside their detention cell for the Autonomous Region in Muslim Mindanao elections in August. Sought for a reaction, Mayor Isnaji said, “That’s unfair. Kung kelan may campaign funds kami saka naman pinagbawalang mangampanya!”

Pacquiao’s Two Belts

The World Boxing Council has ordered Manny Pacquiao to give up one of his two championship belts because no boxer is allowed to own two belts in two separate weight divisions. Although saddened by the order, Pacquiao chose the lightweight over the featherweight belt. That’s the second most difficult choice Pacquiao has made in recent months next only to his decision to dump Ara Mina in favor of his wife Jinkee.

The Fight Club

Embassy Super Club, the notorious bar at Bonifacio Global City co-owned by the equally, if not more infamous party-animal Tim Yap was allowed to re-open three weeks after it was ordered closed by Taguig City following the mauling and death of a customer. Nope, there’s no truth to rumors that the owners have decided to rename the bar and call it Ecstasy Super Club.

The Fight Club II

The City of Taguig allowed Embassy Super Club to re-operate on condition that customers who are known to be drug dealers and users would be barred from the establishment. Borgy Manotoc allegedly described the restriction as “totally unfair.”

Wow Mali!

The Manila Standard Today‘s story that came out Friday, July 18 titled,  “Campus gang rape ruled out,” written by reporter Florante S. Solmerin, started with this line:

“A FACT-FINDING COMMITTEE formed by the Philippine University of the Philippines debunked the claim of a 16-year-old coed of having been raped by several male students inside one of the classrooms.”

BODY OF CHRIST…

null Cruz and the Holy Communion

Lingayen-Dagupan Archbishop Oscar Cruz said the other day, “public sinners” should not be given the Holy Sacrament of Communion including, he said, President Arroyo. Sought for her reaction, the president allegedly promised that from this day on she will just commit sins… in private.

Cruz and the Holy Communion II

Archbishop Oscar Cruz denied telling in a forum Wednesday that he would not give communion to President Arroyo and explained that the media misinterpreted his statement… something that’s not exactly surprising considering that Cruz and the local media are on the same side of the fence.

null Communist Directive

On the eve of its armed wing’s 39th anniversary, the Communist Party of the Philippines ordered the New People’s Army’s to “increase the number of guerrilla fronts from the current level of 120-130 to 173, to cover all congressional districts in the provinces.” And in case it fails, the CPP will just try to cover all congressional districts through the party-list elections.

null Brian Gorrell’s Blog

ABS-CBN News Online posted an article today on the controversial blog of Australian swindling victim Brian Gorrell. The title of the article is: “Online libel: Aussie blogger’s victims are helpless” The Lopez network calls it “news,” Brian’s readers call it “damage control.”

Brian Gorrell’s Blog II

ABS-CBN News posted an article today on the controversial blog of Australian swindling victim Brian Gorrell. The article is titled, “Online libel: Aussie blogger’s victims helpless”
The Gucci Gang? Helpless victims? Wait… I’ll have to check if ABS-CBN News Online has turned into a humor blog.

Enjoy your weekend!