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Q: Secretary, there have been rumors that the President is dating Pia Wurtzbach. Are they exclusively dating?
V: Ha-ha Kayo talaga.

THE LONG vacation has come to an end. Those who repented during the Holy Week break can go back now to being their usual, despicable selves. Welcome back!

1Easter
The season of Lent is over. According to the Bible, after the arrest, trial, crucifixion, and death of Jesus, he shockingly returned in the end. Fans of ‘The Walking Dead’ call it, “season finalé.”

Revamp
Sec. Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma is out as presidential spokesperson. He was reportedly replaced by TESDA director general Joel Villanueva who has impressed the President with his performance. Under Villanueva’s leadership, TESDA has created an unprecedented number of jobs. And TV commercials.

joel
Hardworking TESDA chief Joel Villanueva will soon be very visible as he’s just been appointed presidential spokesperson. Sources say the President has several reasons for appointing Villanueva to the post. And by several, we mean a lot – like hundreds perhaps, or a thousand or 2,016. We don’t know.

Sample Q & A With Presidential Spokesman Joel Villanueva

Q: Secretary, is it true that the President is sick and he’s keeping the truth from the public?
V: That’s not true. And even if he’s sick, he must not be afraid. As Jeremiah 30:17 said, “For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord.” Next question please…

Q: Sir, sabi ng Makabayan bloc, the President is a liar and has not told the entire truth about the Mamasapano incident. Your reaction…
V: The President respects the militants’ right to free speech but this I tell you, “On the day of judgment. people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” Matthew Chapter 12, Verses 36 and 37.

Q: Sir, are you running for senator in the next election?
V: To be honest, I have not made a decision. But if it’s God’s will, who am I to refuse?  “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11. Last question please.

Q: Secretary, there have been rumors that the President is dating Pia Wurtzbach. Are they exclusively dating?
V: Ha-ha Kayo talaga. It’s a personal and very private matter between the President and Ms. Wurtzbach. As 1 Thessalonians 4:11 said, “Aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs.” Thank you.

1Easter
Income Tax
The month of April has become synonymous with taxes. As residents of Makati City, we should remit our taxes promptly this year. Two mayors are now counting on us.

The BIR has a TV ad that shows where your taxes go: infrastructure, education, and social services. Politicians were offended by the apparent snub.

Corruption58180549_20141021145050
When my friends and I started working, we were told that our taxable income would be significantly reduced if we had “dependents.” So on the BIR form, we made a list of people who depended on us: senators, congressmen, governors, and mayors.

All public servants are also required to file their Statement of Assets, Liabilities, and Networth or SALN on or before the April 30 deadline. Sources say this early, President Aquino has accomplished his SALN form. Under ‘Liability,’ he wrote, ‘Alan Purisima.’

1Makati
Hakot System?
A Makati City resident admits people who are gathered at the city hall are being paid 300 pesos for 12 hours and 500 pesos for 24 hours. Critics describe them as “hakot.” The Binays insist they’re “self-employed.”

Hundreds of Makati City residents are brought to the city hall every day just to sit there and kill time. And they each receive 300 pesos for that. Yes, these people get paid for absolutely doing nothing. Who do you think you are?! Congressmen?!?

Emergency Landing
An EasyJet A320 flight heading to Kosovo from Geneva was forced to make an emergency landing in Rome because a ‘hungry’ passenger became impatient and punched a stewardess. The airline has denied rumors that the passenger was a washed-up actress from the Philippines.
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“Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.”
~Calvin Coolidge

Sound Bites
“Long-winding, repetitious, irrelevant, unprepared homilies are signs of a sick spiritual life of the priest.”
~Archbishop Soc Villegas

Have a productive April!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jesus: Photo Image Search.Com; TESDA; BIR; Corruption: Urduwire.Com; Makati: Rappler]

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BUSES AND TRAINS

0
ABS-CBN NEWS spotted Jinggoy Estrada in California walking with the aid of a cane. Viewers were stunned. They did not anticipate a rehearsal this early.

Jinggoy Estrada said he would not resign because he was elected by 18 million Filipinos. At press time though, those 18 million still won’t give a reaction, and asked for prayers and forgiveness instead.

Malling
Police captured a crocodile wandering outside a mall in California. California Fish and Wildlife officials have yet to confirm rumors that the crocodile is Filipino.

0
The Kim and Anne
Reports say Anne Curtis went to the office of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares Thursday night. Everyone was surprised to see the controversial actress. In fact, a starstruck security guard asked, “Why are you here? Who invited you? You are too classy to be here.”

Anne Curtis was at the BIR office last Thursday. Commissioner Kim Henares refuses to confirm rumors Anne is facing tax evasion charges. But close friends of the TV host have denied it, saying Anne went to the BIR to buy the agency.

Dyesebel star Anne Curtis visited the BIR office last Thursday evening. Something’s fishy.

88
Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner just turned 88. Asked for advice on how to achieve a long life, Hefner answered, “Avoid pork.” To which Senator Enrile said, “Hindi rin.”

0Options
Amid system malfunctions and very long lines in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma advised MRT passengers to try other options like taking a bus ride on Edsa. In response, MRT passengers advised Coloma to try other options like, ‘Thinking before talking.’

Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma says disgruntled MRT riders should try other modes of transport like buses since “hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.” This begs the question, “Where have you been?”

To avoid long queues in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma told MRT riders to ride a bus on Edsa instead. Even the reviled Edwin Lacierda was like, “I won’t even dare suggest that!”

0
Top 5 New Valuable Suggestions From Palace Spokesman Sonny Coloma

No. 5: Kung wala nang mabili ang kakarampot mong suweldo sa palengke, mag-grocery ka na lang sa Rustan’s.

No. 4: Kung hindi mo na ma-take ang lenggwahe ni Arnold Clavio, manood ka na lang ng T3 ng Tulfo Brothers.

No. 3: Kung Comm Arts major ka at hirap na hirap kang ipasa ang Math 1 at NatSci 1, mag-shift ka na lang sa Metallurgical Engineering o Molecular Biology and Biotechnology.

No. 2: Kung mahal na mahal mo ang iyong officemate pero marami namang nanliligaw sa kanya, ligawan mo na lang si Anne Curtis.

And the No. 1 new valuable suggestion from palace spokesman Sonny Coloma…

Kung hindi pa rin nababawasan ang iyong timbang sa kabila ng pagda-diet at exercise, ipagpasa-Diyos mo na lang!

Dared
A group of train commuters challenged President Aquino and his cabinet: “Commute daily! Try n’yo lang!” The President and his Cabinet replied, “Ahm, choppy kayo, choppy! Konting ikot, wala kaming marinig.”

Rated SPG
From 74 percent, President Aquino’s trust rating has dropped to 69. If it’s any consolation, that’s the closest he can get to having raunchy sex.

Worship
At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.
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“If only this great concern we have for our own sensitive feelings expanded to encompass the feelings of our fellow men.”
~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“’Yong MRT lang ba ang puwedeng sakyan doon sa mga rutang dinadaanan nito? Baka naman puwedeng matuklasan ‘yong iba pang mga options. Hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.”
~Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma

Tale of the Tape
10

Have a great weekend! Good luck Pacman!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to ABS-CBN News, The Manila Bulletin, Solar News.Ph, Agence France Presse]

GOVERNMENT STATION


FOR THE SECOND time in less than a week and the third time in a month, broadcast network ABS-CBN was reportedly given preferential treatment by Malacañang. Four days after the network allegedly received an advance copy of President Aquino’s SONA, the Philippine Daily Inquirer said palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda broke the news “about Memorandum Circular No. 2 not in the government-run National Broadcasting Network as protocol demanded, but in the privately owned ABS-CBN.” The Malacañang Press Corps (MPC) is now investigating reports Lacierda’s application for the position of “Breaking News Correspondent” has been approved by Maria Ressa.

Breaking News! Unconfirmed reports say ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs head Maria Ressa has decided to pull out the network’s reporters from Malacañang. Edwin Lacierda and Ricky Carandang are already in the palace; Ressa believes that’s redundancy.

The Malacañang Press Corps (MPC) is protesting the alleged bias of Malacañang towards ABS-CBN. Members of the MPC felt they’ve had enough when palace spokespersons ended a recent press briefing with the line, “Salamat sa inyong pagdalo. Kami ang Communications Group ng Pangulo… naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa mundo!”

For the second time in a month, palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda apologized to the Malacañang Press Corps for breaking an important piece of information to the privately-owned ABS-CBN network. Lacierda issued the apology on ANC.

SONA Leak
Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says Malacañang is now investigating reports that an advance copy of President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address was given to ABS-CBN last Monday. Lacierda said the probe would be as transparent as possible. In fact, the public will have a chance to see the actual investigation… on ABS-CBN’s XXX.

Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda said “I don’t know how ABS was able to get a copy (but) I can very well vouch for the fact that although Ricky Carandang is a former employee of ABS, he did not in any way leak it to ABS because I was with him the whole time” to which former ANC host Manolo Quezon said, “Eh bakit nakatingin ka sa ‘kin?”

Spokespersons
The Communications Group of President Aquino will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang – one for dzMM, another for ABS-CBN, and a third for ANC.

Survey Says…
Are palace communicators (e.g. Edwin Lacierda) biased towards ABS-CBN?
A: Mismo! – 25%
B: Obvious naman ‘di ba? – 25%
C: Is water liquid? – 25%
D: Okay lang. Kebs! – 25%

This is our new survey. But no need to vote. This is a biased poll. The results have been leaked to ABS-CBN even before they’re posted here.

This just in: Rumors say the Philippine Lotto Draw will soon air on ABS-CBN! Wohoo!
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“I think perfect objectivity is an unrealistic goal; fairness, however, is not.”
~Michael Pollan

Enjoy your weekend!

Personal Faves
SRO (Suhestyon, Reaksyon at Opinyon) with Lynda Jumilla and Alvin Elchico nightly on dzMM after TV Patrol and Strictly Politics with Pia Hontiveros, Tuesdays@7:30 PM on ANC.