Late-night talk show ni Pangulong Duterte, nilangaw; galit ni Sharon Cuneta, umalingawngaw
“We respect the Supreme Court, we survived even when they took everything from us, including our Dad’s life- & we will survive even this.”
~TV host Kris Aquino reacting to the Supreme Court’s recent ruling ordering the distribution of Hacienda Luisita land to the farmers
Heckler: Si Mara ka ba ng ‘Mara Clara?’
Kris Aquino: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, api-apihan ang drama mo.
Heckler: Kapatid ka ba ng Presidente?
Secretary De Lima: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, Ballsy ka.
“We will be monitoring her, and hopefully she will be able to regain her appetite until we are confident enough in saying that we can remove the IV fluid already.”
~ Dr. Juliet Gopez-Cervantes, CGMA’s attending physician
Heckler: Prostitute ka ba?
Atty. Edwin Lacierda: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi kahit sino pinapatulan mo.
“Ba’t ba concerned na concerned si Secretary Lacierda sa aking itlog? Sabagay okay naman ‘yon. Siyempre kung ang isang tao na lalake ay concerned sa’yong itlog, s’yempre matutuwa ka naman d’on. Nagke-care.”
~ Atty. Ferdie Topacio
Heckler: Itlog ka ba?
Atty. Ferdie Topacio: Bakit?
Heckler: Ang sarap mong pitikin eh!
Heckler: Magician ka ba?
Heckler: Eh kasi, ang hilig mo sa illusion.
“One cannot think of the 1986 EDSA Revolution without thinking of Corazon Aquino.”
~Bohol Rep. Rene Relampagos defending his proposed ‘Cory Aquino Avenue’
Heckler: Tambay ka ba?
Cong. Relampagos: Bakit?
Heckler: Eh kasi, parang wala kang ibang magawa.
“Tapos po nun sigaw ako nang sigaw; ‘tapos naisip ko baka wala na dun yung killer. Basta alam ko sigaw lang ako nang sigaw. Tapos… Shit nawala na ko, kasi nawala, ‘di ba dapat tatawagan ko si Gail?”
~Maria Ramona Belen “Mara” Bautista-Bülbüloğlu narrating her version of what happened the night her brother Ram Revilla was murdered
Heckler: NAIA ka ba?
Heckler: Most hated ka eh.
Heckler: Meralco ka ba?
Heckler: Eh kasi, ang hilig mong mag-switch.
“When itweet nonsense take itcas itsis Last night did math simulations so makita ng coop paano namin ni assunta saluin buong utang bulok yun?”
~Cong. Jules Ledesma
Heckler: Ilog Pasig ka ba?
Heckler: Eh kasi, ang labo mo!
“Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.”
Popular Personality (PP) was detained somewhere in North America recently after causing a ruckus outside a bar. PP was reportedly drunk and was with his significant other when it all happened. Merry Christmas!
Popular College Hoopster (PCP) is one naughty boy. Probably inspired by videographer Hayden Kho Jr, PCP is keeping a video of himself doing it with a fling. The whole team had seen the sleazy video. “Proud pa siya sa ginawa niya,” one teammate said. Lagot ka kay Father!
Have a great week ahead!
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PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO has met with his Cabinet twice to discuss his State of the Nation Address on Monday. Do you still remember his “walang wangwang, walang tong, walang counterflow” statement during his inaugural? Well, rumors say there will be similar declarations in his SONA, e.g. “Walang kaso (Trillanes), walang hinto (media killings), walang tubig.”
Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino will not use any gimmicks in his SONA, unlike former President Arroyo, who used three poor children to dramatize the problems of the country. Instead, Aquino’s SONA will be more optimistic. To underscore the importance of hardwork and loyalty, he’ll use the four Abads in government.
Unconfirmed reports say the president will deliver a 25-minute speech. The first half of the speech will be drafted by the pro-Binay faction of the Communications Group; the second half by the pro-LP/Hyatt 10 faction.
Of course, Jose Maria Sison’s minions in the Extreme Left will be holding a protest rally on Monday. They are expected to burn effigies… of Etta Rosales.
Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa says President Aquino won’t have any gimmicks in his SONA. Actually, Noynoy initially considered using three poor children and a “bangkang papel.” May nakita na siyang tatlong bata; meron na ring bangka. Ang problema, walang tubiiiig!
Location: Metro Manila. People fighting one another for a pail of water; angry mob busting water pipes; schools suspending classes, and establishments shutting down operations. All these and yet, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda insists there is no water crisis. So anong meron tayo? Leadership crisis?
Thousands of residents in the metro’s western zone have become desperate for water. They are now asking the Church to issue an Oratio Imperata Ad Petendam Pluviam or Obligatory Prayer to Request for Rain. If it fails, they’ll be asking President Aquino to party with the Malacañang Press Corps and sing two songs again.
(Warning: Corny. Read at your own risk.)
Q: Saan kumukuha ng tubig ang mga mahihirap, mga api, at ang mga underprivileged?
A: Eh ‘di… sa Wawa Dam.
You know there’s a serious water crisis when…
… a member of the Abad family uses the toilet but you only hear the “flush sound” after the fourth member of the family is done with his/her thing;
… Chiz Escudero and Paquito Ochoa ask for water, and Korina Sanchez gives them poison, and,
… former president Gloria Arroyo gets thirsty, and she starts drinking from a ‘leak’ of her own (Eew!).
PAGASA Deputy Administrator Nathaniel Servando reveals 24 of the top weather forecasters and engineers have left PAGASA in the past 6-10 years for higher-paying jobs abroad. Overseas, they get an equivalent of 150 to 200 thousand pesos per month, and other incentives. Here, they get around 20 to 37 thousand per month, and a president’s invective.
Isang weather disturbance, palapit nang palapit!
Mga weather forecasters, palayo nang palayo!
Trillanes’ Request Junked
The Makati City RTC has junked the motion for temporary release filed by detained senator Antonio Trillanes so he could attend the inaugural session of the 15th Congress. The court’s decision was a huge setback for Trillanes, his supporters, and Francis Pangilinan.
Actress Sharon Cuneta said she felt as if she was stabbed after her husband Francis Pangilinan’s bid for the Senate presidency was rejected by other senators including her uncle, Sen. Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto. But Sotto was unfazed by Sharon’s gripe saying, “Even if she’s stabbed several times, I’m sure, hindi aabot sa kanyang laman ‘yon.”
Asked why he’s supporting Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, Sotto explained, “Gusto ko happy siya!”
“A man has no more character than he can command in a time of crisis.”
~ Ralph W. Sockman
What do you think of the four Abads in government?
– They are qualified. What’s your problem?!? 26%
– Weather-weather lang ‘yan. 69%
– Wala akong pakialam. 5%
We have a new survey. Please vote now.
Nakikisimpatya at nakikiisa ako kina Mang Zosimo, ang pedicab driver at Aling Budang, ang maliit na tindera ng puto’t kutsinta sa palengke sa kanilang pagtutol sa plano ng pamahalaang Aquino na sila ay buwisan. Bago n’yo habulin ang mga Pinoy na kayod-kalabaw, habulin n’yo muna ang mga asal-halimaw katulad ng mga opisyal ng Makati City Hall na may utang na 1.2 billion pesos sa BIR. Kailan n’yo sila sisingilin, kapag presidente na si Binay, at senador na si Junjun, at alkalde na ang kanyang apo? Bakit natahimik ang kaso laban sa IMBOA president na si Claire De La Fuente na hindi nagbayad ng 417 million pesos na buwis? Napakaraming dapat habulin, ‘yung maliliit ang inyong iipitin? Ginagalit n’yo ko ah!
Quiboloy Goes Green
In front of his loyal followers, religious cult leader Pastor Apollo Quiboloy revealed, “the Almighty Father has appointed the president for this nation, Gilbert Teodoro…” eliciting condemnation from saints and angels who insist that the law bars the Almighty Father from making appointments during the election period.
Speaking before his flock at the “Kingdom of Jesus Christ: The Name Above Every Name” compound in Catitipan, Davao City, religious cult leader Apollo Quiboloy said that “the Almighty Father has appointed the president for this nation (and) he is no other than Gilbert ‘Gibo’ Teodoro.” At press time though, the Almighty Father has yet to confirm Quiboloy’s claim.
Explaining his decision to endorse Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard bearer Gilbert Teodoro, religious cult leader Apollo Quiboloy narrated that he prayed for three days before a ‘revelation’ from God came on Sunday. Quiboloy told his flock, “Ipinakita Niya sa ‘kin hindi po ang mukha ni Gilbert Teodoro, kundi ang nakita ko sa aking harapan ay si President Obama. Nagkamayan kami, nagyakapan kami, nagpalitrato kami” – to which his loyal followers chorused, “Whatttteverrrr!”
This just in! Minutes after Apollo Quiboloy announced his “chosen one,” another presidential candidate issued a statement thanking the religious leader. It turned out though that the candidate was misinformed by a supporter. Nagkamali ng dinig ang supporter ni candidate. Sa halip na Gibô, ang dinig niya Tibô!
Religious cult leader Apollo C. Quiboloy has endorsed Gilbert Teodoro. The El Shaddai Movement is reportedly endorsing Manny Villar, while the Iglesia ni Cristo is said to be endorsing Noynoy Aquino. Last week, the CBCP picked JC De Los Reyes over his rivals. Rumors say a displeased Richard Gordon is seeking a TRO against religious endorsements.
Tears for Fears & Politics
Did you know what happened at the concert of Tears for Fears the other night at the Araneta Coliseum? The pop rock duo got the loudest cheers; Korina Sanchez got the loudest boos.
In case you didn’t know, TV host Korina Sanchez got booed twice by the thousands of people in attendance at the concert of Tears for Fears last Sunday. According to witnesses, shortly after the duo’s last song, people requested for an encore and shouted ‘More! More!’ When Korina was projected on the huge video wall, she flashed a Laban sign, and shouted, ‘Mar! Mar!”
Following his surge in the latest surveys, vice presidential candidate Jejomar Binay says Mar Roxas is now in “panic mode.” The Roxas camp is reportedly so alarmed by Binay’s numbers, Korina Sanchez was forced to campaign during the Tears for Fears concert.
Last week, outgoing Makati City mayor Jejomar Binay admitted he had an extramarital affair that almost cost him his marriage to Dr. Elenita Binay. The romance didn’t last long because the mistress rejected Binay’s proposed 24-year affair.
Photos of outgoing Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay and his alleged mistress circulated on the Internet last week. The vice presidential dark horse called it black propaganda.
Photos of the Weak
Ano ang sinasabi ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “Alam n’yo ser, sorbey lang ‘yan. ‘Di dapat iniiyakan ‘yan! Mas masakit pa nga d’yan ang mga suntuk ni Cuttu eh.”
B: “’Di naman ‘yung survey ang iniiyakan ko eh! Si Quiboloy! Pinaasa niya ako sa endorsement. Wala rin naman pala. Hu-hu-hu!”
C: “Tawagan mo nga si Welli Rivillami! Ayaw tumahan eh. ‘Pag ‘di pa ‘to tumigil sa kakaiyak, uupakan ko na ‘to!”
D: “Sobra na Pacman. Hindi ko na kaya! ‘Yung Iglesia, nag-promise din sa akin tapos sabi sa diyaryo, si Noynoy na raw?!? It’s unfair! It’s unfair!”
Ano ang sinasabi ng mga tao sa larawan?
A: “Nabasa mo ba ‘yung psychiatric report ni Guido Delgado? Kinabahan ako do’n mare. Akala ko authentic.”
B: “Quiet ka lang Shawie. May area sa likod ng stage kung saan puwede tayong mag-yosi. Tara!”
C: “Talaga?!? May alam ka sa babae ni Kiko? Sige nga, kwento mo!”
D: “’Wag ka sanang magagalit Sha. Ipinapatanong ng organizers ng rally kung puwedeng mamaya ka na lang daw umakyat ng stage. Baka bumigay eh.”
Ano ang sinasabi ng dalawang lalaki sa larawan?
A: “’Di mo sinabi matulis ka rin pala Jojo! Sino ‘tong kasama mong chick sa picture na nasa diyaryo? Ang kiniiis!”
B: “Eh saan pa ba ako magmamana? Kaya nga tandem tayo eh.”
C: “Alam mo ba ang ginawa ko kay Doktora Ellen nang mahuli niya akong may chiching? Siya ang pinatakbo kong mayor sa Makati! Ayun, tumahimik!”
D: “Ngayon ko lang napansin Jojo! We have a lot of things in common pala! Naging mayor ka, naging mayor ako. Doktora ang asawa mo, doktora ang asawa ko. May naging kabit ka, may naging kabit ako. Naku! Sana naman ngayong eleksyon, pag natalo ka, manalo naman ako! For a change!”
“And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.”
~The Holy Bible
Enjoy the rest of the week!
Para sa masaya at malamang pagtalakay sa mga napapanahong paksa, makinig kina Lynda Jumilla at Alvin Elchico sa dzMM, gabi-gabi pagkatapos ng TV Patrol World.
Impeachment and GMA
Losing National Broadband Network contract bidder Jose “Joey” De Venecia III said he would lead the filing of an impeachment complaint against President Arroyo. Personally though, I can think of a hundred and one reasons why this particular complaint would fail… and Joey De Venecia is all of them.
Impeachment and GMA II
Three-term congressman and now, Iloilo vice governor Rolex Suplico, a complainant like Joey De Venecia said, “We wish to send the very strong message to the president that one cannot steal and get away with it.” If that’s true, then why is he still at large?
Noli for Prexy?
Asked about his plans for 2010, vice president Noli De Castro said, “I don’t know.” And then added, “Ako, ‘di naman ako nangarap maging senador pero naging senador ako. ‘Di naman ako nangarap maging vice president, pero naging vice president ako. ‘Yong destiny na ang masusunod.” Apparently, De Castro and the Filipino people have similar fates: Ang mga Pilipino, hindi siya pinangarap maging senador, pero naging senador siya. Hindi siya pinangarap maging vice president, pero naging vice president siya. Kasalanan ng destiny ‘yan eh!
Sen. Francis Pangilinan and megastar Sharon Cuneta have both denied reports their marriage is over. Ironically though, they issued the denial… separately.
Top 5 Signs Sen. Francis Pangilinan and Sharon Cuneta Have Separated
5: Angeli Pangilinan stops sending daily Biblical text quotes to sister-in-law Sharon Cuneta.
4: Senator Pangilinan starts going out with the very single… Mommy Elaine! (‘Sing laki, pero ‘di ‘sing mahal)
3: A special episode of the talk show “Sharon” talks about the secrets of being hot and handsome and will feature as guests Robin Padilla, Gabby Concepcion, and Richard Gomez.
2: When news of the separation reached the Senate, members of Senator Pangilinan’s staff as well as the Senate press corps all shouted, “Burger! Burger! Burger!”
And the No. 1 sign Sen. Francis Pangilinan and Sharon have separated…
1: Sharon changes her Myspace status from “Married” to “It’s complicated” while Senator Pangilinan modifies his Friendster status from “Married” to “Just Looking Around.”
“You’re My Number 1?”
(Revised Nido jingle as interpreted by Senator Kiko for Sharon)
Look at me hon
Campaigning in the sun
Hope that one day
I’ll be number one
And there’s no treasure
That i will cherish like yours
And when i smile
They all see you glow
’Though they all know
You’re not my only one
My one and only joy
Is to make you my toy
My one wish for you
Campaign, through and through
I need you and the votes that bring joy
That’s all I want to see so clearly
Look at me hon
Smiling in the sun
Waiting for that day
I’ll be number one.
Have a great week ahead!
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
– Henry Louis Mencken
Jamby vs. Villar
Earlier this week, Sen. Jamby Madrigal filed an ethics complaint against Sen. Manuel Villar… but the Ethics Committee immediately dismissed it after reading the portion of the complaint that stated, “If the Senate President is ousted from the Senate, the complainant, Sen. Ana Consuelo Madrigal-Valade will be entitled to a portion of Villar’s wealth acquired through the development of the C5 road.”
Kiko, Sharon Split Up?
Unconfirmed reports say the 12-year marriage of Sen. Francis Pangilinan and megastar Sharon Cuneta is over. Kiko’s close friends were shocked by the report; Sharon’s closest friends were even more shocked the marriage lasted that long.
Kiko, Sharon Split Up? II
Makeup artist Fanny Serrano who’s currently in Hong Kong with his friend, Sharon Cuneta denied rumors that his megastar friend and husband Francis Pangilinan have separated. But showbiz insiders believe otherwise considering that Cuneta has been spending more time now with Fanny than with Kiko.
Kiko, Sharon Split Up? III
Rumors say Sen. Francis Pangilinan and megastar Sharon Cuneta have called it quits. Mrs. Rose Flaminiano is blaming Gabby Concepcion.
At the height of the alleged “double budget insertions” controversy, Senator Villar’s S&T slogan has spawned a variety of meanings. There’s Singit at Taga (coined by Senator Lacson, I believe), and C5 at Taga (I first read in Neal Cruz’ PDI column).
But there’s more. I’ve come up with S&T meanings for other local personalities. Enjoy reading!
What started it all… Sen. Manuel Villar: Sipag at Tiyaga
President Arroyo: Suka at T*e (Read: Upset stomach)
Sen. Panfilo Lacson: Salvage at Tingga (Bang!)
Joseph Estrada: Sugal at Toma (Hik!)
First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: Sumpa at Taba
DOJ Sec. Raul Gonzales: Sira at Tanda
Nora Aunor: Sha*u at Tungga
Finally, (And apologies for the language)…
John Osmena: Subo at Ts*pa
Enjoy your weekend!
Loren’s Offer to the MILF
Reacting to the Moro Islamic Liberation Front’s appeal to Hollywood actress and UN goodwill ambassadress Angelina Jolie to help negotiate a peace pact with the government, Sen. Loren Legarda said she is willing to fill in for Jolie and help achieve a long-sought peace in the south… an offer rejected by some MILF leaders who said, “How can she help achieve peace in Mindanao when she can’t even help achieve peace at the Senate?”
Loren’s Offer to the MILF II
Sen. Loren Legarda said she’s willing to fill in for UN goodwill ambassadress Angelina Jolie to help achieve peace in Mindanao… an offer rejected by some MILF leaders who said, “How can she talk peace with the government when she couldn’t even talk peace with her husband?”
Loren’s Offer to the MILF III
Sen. Loren Legarda said she is willing to become this country’s Angelina Jolie to help achieve peace in Mindanao. To prove that she’s indeed serious with her offer, she’ll have her lips injected with collagen soon.
Loren’s Offer to the MILF IV
Sen. Loren Legarda said, “I will agree to be like Angelina Jolie but there will be no Brad Pitt,” to which Sen. Edgardo Angara said, “But I told you, I can try!”
MILF Survey Says…
An online survey conducted by the Moro Islamic Liberation Front revealed that North Cotabato Vice Governor Emmanuel Piñol, is the most hated government official by Muslims in the country today. A vocal critic of the canceled MOA on Ancestral Domain, Piñol is also the most hated government official… by the Arroyo government.
MILF Survey Says… II
President Arroyo is the second most hated government official by Muslims according to the online survey conducted by the MILF. Malacañang described the poll results as “unusual” mainly because “hate” lists are usually topped by the president.
GMA is Back
President Arroyo is back from her five-day visit to the United States but reports say without the “promised investments.” That’s because instead of “selling” the Philippine economy, she sold Miriam Defensor-Santiago.
Vilma Santos and Lani Mercado
Newsbreak magazine reported that Batangas governor Vilma Santos was being marketed as RP’s Sarah Palin, the Alaska governor and US vice presidential candidate. Now hear this: in last Wednesday’s birthday party of Sen. Bong Revilla, Lani Mercado invited Bong’s “other women” – Rufa Mae Quinto, Ruffa Gutierrez, and Gretchen Barretto. First we have our Sarah Palin, now we have our Hillary Clinton.
The Bureau of Food and Drugs has banned at least 54 milk and milk-based products from mainland China, which the agency said, would be subject to testing for possible melamine contamination. The partial list includes Nestle ice cream, ice cream cones, chocolates, and even noodles. Sharon Cuneta described the ban as “unfairly cruel.”
UAAP Finals: A Postscript
The Ateneo Blue Eagles trounced the De La Salle Green Archers to win the UAAP men’s basketball title. After the heartbreaking loss, La Salle coach Franz Pumaren described Game 2 of the UAAP Finals as the “worst officiated” game ever. In another news dismissed by Pumaren as totally irrelevant, his kids have admitted that their dad loves to read them his favorite bedtime story of late: the Aesop fable “The Fox and the Grapes.”
Two “moderately strong” earthquakes rocked Metro Manila before noon yesterday. Phivolcs has refused to put the blame on actress Nadia Montenegro and Rose Flaminiano who reportedly squared off the exact time the tremors were felt.
After last Friday’s gruesome murder of 10 people in a branch of RCBC in Cabuyao, eight people were killed in a murderous shooting spree in Calamba City yesterday… officially making Laguna province the second most dangerous place in the world today after Iraq.
Laguna Massacre II
Police in Laguna are having a difficult time catching the suspects in the RCBC murder – something that’s not surprising considering that the police couldn’t even catch a single jueteng collector in the province.
Villar is Richest Senator
Senate President Manuel Villar retains the title “richest senator” this year – successfully holding off a late surge from Jamby Madrigal who was hoping to snatch the title after her billionaire aunt’s death last month.
“Ka Bel” Dies
Militant labor leader Crispin Beltran died of head injuries after falling from the rooftop of his home in Bulacan. Now that’s what you call “fallen comrade.”
Ka Bel Dies II
After falling off the roof of his Bulacan house, former KMU leader, staunch government critic, and leftist party-list representative Crispin Beltran died of head injuries. Rumors say former AFP Chief of Staff Hermogenes Esperon hailed the demise as a boost to the military’s goal of wiping out insurgents by 2010.
“Ka Bel” Dies III
Leftist leader Crispin Beltran is dead at 75. Militants are preparing a hero’s burial for Ka Bel that would include a 21-gun salute… from a squad of New People’s Army rebels.
KC in Mindanao
Young actress and UN ambassador for the World Food Program KC Concepcion was shocked and saddened by the hunger situation in Lanao Del Sur. The experience was a huge reality check for KC who didn’t realize – until her Mindanao visit, the impact of her Mommy Sharon’s binge eating.