LET THERE BE LIGHT (2011)

ANOTHER DOSE of Light Bulb Jokes. Enjoy!

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to blame the Arroyo administration for the burnt bulb.

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, because there are at least three defective light bulbs that give him a headache.

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. He’ll ask the Vice President to change it.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But first, he’ll do a public consultation to determine whether the light bulb should be changed or not.

Q: How many Leila De Limas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it, and four others to compose a special task force that will investigate why the old light bulb burnt out.

Q: How many Abigail Valtes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to defend the accomplishment – in case Cong. Mitos Magsaysay questions it.

Q: How many Attorney Edwin Lacierdas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter. What’s important is, at the end of the day, the old bulb is replaced.

Q: How many Cotabato City mayors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he won’t do it. Instead he’ll pass on the task to the national government.

Q: How many Filipino teachers and pupils does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One teacher to change it and 60 pupils to say, “Good work Miss De Los Reyes!”

Q: How many members of the defunct PAOCTF does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to give instructions, one to change it, one to shoot the old bulb, and one to destroy the evidence of the shooting.

Q: How many Merceditas Gutierrezes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: She won’t! There’s insufficient evidence that the light bulb needs to be changed.

Q: How many Ninoy and Cory loyalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it, and a million to chant, “Tama na! Pundido na! Palitan na!”

Q: How many Jose Rizals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But his books about darkness will inspire a secret society to change it.

Q: How many Manny Pacquiaos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Bakit ku gawin ‘yan? Nasa Buy-bul ba ‘yan?”

Q: How many Gloria Macapagal-Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, maybe. The ceiling is too high.

Q: How many Samar & Balay members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There’s no way you could force them to change a light bulb together.

Q: How many Jamby Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: She doesn’t know how. She doesn’t eat bulbs.

Q: How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why would he? He’s not afraid of the dark.

Q: How many UP students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to change it, and one to blog about the experience.

Q: How many Ateneo students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: “Yaya, can you make palit na the bumbilya sa sala?”

Q: How many La Salle students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What’s a light bulb?

Q: How many Sharon Cunetas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to hold the ladder. Careful.

Q: How many Annabelle Ramas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Magkano dung?

Q: How many oil companies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Oil companies prefer screwing the public.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change, and another to tell the whole world about it.

And finally…
Q: How many Tulfos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Tarantado! Hindi namin trabaho ‘yan. Punyeta ka! Gago!”

In the News…
Of the five highest officials of the land, Vice President Jejomar Binay is the most trusted according to the latest Pulse Asia survey. Binay got an approval rating of 83 percent. The rest or 17 percent knew better.

GMA vs. Aquino
Administration allies slammed former president, and now Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for saying that the government was “leaderless.” I think Filipinos would get used to it though. After all, we survived nine years of a government that was shameless.
—————————————————————————
“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light!” And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”
~Ellen DeGeneres

Today is June 27th…
On this day in 2005, then President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo admitted to calling a Comelec official (whom she did not identify) during the May 2004 presidential elections. She called it a “lapse in judgment” and apologized for it.

Separated At Birth?
Sen. Panfilo Lacson and his BFF, former police Senior Supt. Michael Ray Aquino.

Quote of the Weak
“Ito ay isang malinaw na insulto sa ating Civil Code at sa katuruan ng Simbahang Katolika! Kawawa naman ang mga taong ito! Wala nang kinikilalang Diyos! Wala na rin silang paggalang sa kanilang sarili! Dapat na matigil ang kahibangang ito! Ang mga nagpakasal at nagkasal ay mayroong mga problema sa pag-iisip.”
~Catholic Bishop Carlito Cenzon reacting to reports that pastors of the Metropolitan Community Church of Metro Baguio officiated the wedding of at least eight gay couples in Baguio City last June 25

You Have Spoken
Isang taon matapos maluklok sa puwesto, ano ang grado mo sa administrasyong Aquino?
-Great! Ipagpatuloy n’yo ‘yan! 2.95%
-Very good! 5.9%
-Puwede na! 31.94%
-Bagsak! 59.21%

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Have a great week!

PING


SENATOR PANFILO LACSON is back! In fact, he has made a triumphant return to the Senate last Monday. He arrived on a donkey and was welcomed by loyal supporters who were waving palm branches.

There was one awkward moment though when Senator Lacson started reading his statement. An excited member of his Senate staff shouted, “Welcome back chef!”

Aided by Google, Senator Lacson said he learned how to cook a number of dishes (while in hiding) such as adobo, afritada, embotido, empanada, and sinigang. Sa awa naman ng Diyos, pag-uwi niya ng Pilipinas, ayun… luto na rin ang kaso.

According to Senator Ping Lacson, he learned how to cook with the help of Google… and he learned how to run with the help of the NBI.

PNP spokesperson Chief Supt. Agrimero Cruz said, “We cannot say outright that our police intelligence failed.” Well then, allow me to say it: YOU FAILED!

Ex-fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson has granted several radio and TV interviews just two days after returning home from heaven-knows-where. There were times when he looked haggard and tired on television. During one interview, after the host asked, “Can you name at least three people who helped you hide,” Lacson replied, “1/2 kilo pork, 1 medium size onion, and 1/2 teaspoon paprika.”


On Tuesday morning, Senator Lacson guested on ABS-CBN’s Umagang Kay Ganda where he demonstrated his cooking skills. Tomorrow, he will appear on ANC’s ‘Travel Time.’

In a radio interview, Sen. Panfilo Lacson confirmed rumors that son Pampi and actress Jodi Sta. Maria have parted ways. Pampi is now trying to learn how to cook with Google’s help.

Rate Hike
A one-peso provisional fare increase in buses was implemented starting March 29 even as another round of oil price hike is expected to take effect this week. Everything is going up these days… except for President Aquino’s ratings.

Big Drop
According to the latest SWS survey, President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating has dropped by 13 percentage points. The President is thinking of how he could blame this on Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

President Aquino has a net satisfaction rating of 51 percent. And that really pisses him off. The figure reminds him of his age.

The President’s net satisfaction rating is down to 51 percent… or as his professors in Ateneo would say, “Fail.”

The latest SWS survey showed that 48 percent of Filipinos were not happy with President Aquino’s decision to buy a 4.5 million-peso Porsche. The rest were his test drive buddies.

From 64 percent in November 2010, President Aquino’s net satisfaction rating dropped to 51 percent in March 2011. To avert a further slide in his rating, the President has promised to get rid of “pabaon,” poverty, and Porsche.

NPA Turns 42
The New People’s Army – the armed wing of the Communist Party of the Philippines marked its 42nd anniversary today, March 29. To all NPA rebels all over the country, congratulations on your 42-year losing streak!

Radiation in RP
The Philippine Nuclear Research Institute says very tiny amounts of radiation in the air have been detected in the Philippines. You know what that means? Walang pasok sa PUP!


March 29th
On this day in…

1521: Ferdinand Magellan and Rajah Kolambu of Limasawa enter into a blood compact of friendship. After the ceremony, they exchanged numbers and became constant textmates.

1858: Hymen Lipman patents a pencil with an attached eraser. Filipino kids in kindergarten never got hungry again.

1886: Dr. John Pemberton brews the first Coca-Cola and advertises it as a “brain tonic and intellectual beverage.” Nobody believed him except for Carmen Pedrosa.

2002: Actor Rico Yan dies… along with the careers of close friends Dominic Ochoa and Marvin Agustin.

2002: Young actor Rico Yan dies. Nine years later, brother Bobby Yan is still struggling to make it big in showbiz.

2004: Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia and Slovenia become members of NATO… after NATO revised its membership rules, strictly accepting only countries whose names end in ia.

2004: The Republic of Ireland becomes the first country in the world to ban smoking in all work places, including bars, and restaurants… making it the most hated country of President Aquino.
————————————-
“Truth is not determined by majority vote.”
~Doug Gwyn

Quote of the Weak
“Alisin na ang inggit sa katawan.”
– TV host Kris Aquino to President Aquino’s critics following reports that his approval rating in the Pulse Asia survey has plummeted

Still, Gullible
The most gullible columnist in the world, Philippine Star’s Carmen Pedrosa has justified and defended her gullibility.

In a rejoinder she wrote Sunday, Pedrosa insisted: “Whether or not there was such a study by Harvard that “Filipinos are the most gullible people on earth” is less the point than whether it is true that Filipinos are gullible most of the time.”

Yeah right. Magpaliwanag ka sa lolo mong panot!

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ba kayong “protektado” ng administrasyong Aquino si Sen. Panfilo Lacson?
– Is the Pope Catholic? 68.57%
– Nahhh, hindi naman. 10.36%
– Magmamasid muna ako. 21.07%

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LUCK’S ON LACSON


SENATOR PANFILO LACSON is back! You know what that means? The NBI, the PNP, and military intelligence agents can finally stop pretending they’re looking for him.

When he arrived in Cebu from Hong Kong Saturday morning, Senator Panfilo Lacson was reportedly alone. But critics refuted the report saying Malacañang’s thoughts were “with” him.

Reports say the Philippine National Police did not have enough knowledge as regards Lacson’s arrival last Saturday… just as they did not have enough information as regards his departure last year.

National Bureau of Investigation Director Magtanggol Gatdula insists his former boss is “really free” and “the bureau no longer has anything to do with him.” As if you did.

Lawyer Nancy Tagle of the Bureau of Immigration (BI) in Cebu told the Philippine Daily Inquirer that Senator Lacson acted as if “he didn’t want to be noticed.” Unfortunately, everyone, with the exception of NBI agents, did notice him.

Last Saturday, Senator Panfilo Lacson arrived in Lapu-Lapu City in Cebu… not to avoid the media in Manila but because his wife, Alicia wanted dried mangoes as pasalubong.

Reports say Senator Panfilo Lacson was wearing a hat and sunglasses when he arrived in Cebu. When he arrived in Manila, he was wearing a smile.

Top 6 Questions You Shouldn’t Ask Senator Lacson in his Scheduled Press Conference Monday (Or You’re Dead)

No. 6: Was there a third party in the breakup of Jodi and Pampi?

No. 5: You said you didn’t do it and Erap has also denied doing it. Was it suicide then?

No. 4: Who among your advisers and PR consultants thought of linking Cezar Mancao to Justice Secretary Leila De Lima?

No. 3: What the f*ck were they thinking?

No. 2: Do you want to thank anyone in Malacañang?

And the No. 1 question you should not ask Senator Lacson in his scheduled press con…

Did you enjoy watching the NBI’s and the PNP’s yearlong Moro-moro?

In other news…
Cong. Manny Pacquiao said if his father had used a condom, he wouldn’t be here today. I say had Manny Pacquiao used one, he would have not fathered a child with a woman other than his wife.


Manny Pacquiao has deleted his Twitter account. Apparently, he could take punches but not punch lines.

OMG, LOL
The OED or Oxford English Dictionary’s 2011 edition has just added Internet-associated expressions like OMG (Oh My God), LOL (Laughing Out Loud) and IMHO (In My Humble/Honest Opinion). Failing to muster enough votes from OED’s board of directors were TTMO and NDRRMC.

Bottom Three
Idol hopeful Thia Megia was in the Bottom 3 last week but was nonetheless declared safe. Also in last week’s Bottom 3 were Merceditas Gutierrez and the Ligot couple.


March 27th.
On this day in…

1884: The first long-distance telephone call is made from Boston to New York. It abruptly ended when the guy in Boston said (in Filipino), “Tapos na ako! Ikaw?”

1938: Sino-Japanese War: The Battle of Taierzhuang takes place. The troop that can spell Taierzhuang correctly in one attempt will be declared winner.

1963: Quentin Tarantino is born. Chin first.

1968: Yuri Gagarin dies in a plane crash. He has completed his orbit on earth.

1998: The Food and Drug Administration approves Pfizer’s prescription drug Viagra. In the Philippines, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile files a resolution commending Pfizer.

2006: Zacarias Moussaoui testifies in court that he is supposed to hijack a fifth airplane on September 11, 2001, and fly it into the White House. However, the flight of the fifth airplane, later identified as Cebu Pacific was delayed for three hours, ruining Moussaoui’s original plan.

2010: PLDT chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan addresses the graduates of his alma mater, Ateneo De Manila University. He spoke about protecting the environment… specifically citing the importance of recycling plastics, paper, and graduation speeches.
——————————————-
“It is not a Justice System. It is just a system.”
~Bob Enyart

Quote of the Weak

Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao‘s tweetply to a Twitter follower who asked why he’s absent when the House of Representatives voted on the impeachment case against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez last March 21

How ironic! How gullible!
Philippine Star columnist Carmen Pedrosa wrote in her latest column: “We are gullible because we are not able or do not question information. We prefer to believe what other persons tell us.”

In that column, she discussed a purported Harvard study that found Filipinos to be the most gullible people in the world. Guess what? That supposed study was a “gawa-gawang” story she got from a satirical blog. Yari ka!

Dear Ms Pedrosa:
There are several people in this world that I find really gullible. And you are all of them!

Three Strikes
Strike 1: Paquito Diaz, dead! Not!
Strike 2: It’s Oban! No it’s Gaa!
Strike 3: Filipinos are gullible!
That’s three strikes. Sorry, you’re out!

Briefly Noted
The Philippine Daily Inquirer is the only local broadsheet that comes out with blind items in at least three sections: Entertainment (Rushes); Business (Biz Buzz), and Sunday Lifestyle. Here’s an intriguing item from today’s (3/27) issue. Girl cries ‘rape’-years later-and two most prominent families might end up in

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LEAKS


New Date?
Reports say President Aquino dated a new girl at Rockwell Center in Makati City very recently. The new date was identified as Len Lopez, a stockbroker – not to be confused with Liz Uy, the heartbreaker.

A tabloid columnist criticized Ballsy Aquino-Cruz for her frequent TV interviews on President Aquino’s love life. Apparently, the tabloid writer was not aware that Ballsy’s the head of the “search” committee.


Wikileaks
I’m sure you’ve heard about Wikileaks. When President Aquino first heard about it, he was like, “Let’s not waste time! Go ask those UP experts to find the leaks.”

Not everyone has read or heard about Wikileaks. For instance, when President Aquino first heard about the controversial leaks, he got so concerned he told his legal team to immediately ask the Supreme Court to issue a writ of kalikasan.

When finally told about the Wikileaks background, President Aquino expressed concern over the release of thousands of documents online. The President has expressed even more concern when his secret Rockwell date became public.

Wikileaks has uploaded thousands of classified documents on its website including some 1,796 diplomatic cables from the US Embassy in Manila. President Aquino has reportedly expressed concern over the leaks. Presidential Communications Secretary Herminio Coloma said if the documents were uploaded on Facebook, it would have been much easier to shut it down.

WikiLeaks is a website that gathers information that are not so supposed to be made public, and yet, they release it online so the whole world could read it. The Philippine Daily Inquirer has a term for that: socialite.

The Lacson Case
Fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson releases a statement saying he’d surrender only if the government drops the case against him. But the government says Lacson is not in a position to make such demands… unless he’s inside a bus with dozens of Hong Kong tourists.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has given an NBI elite team an ultimatum to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson. If they fail, De Lima will just seek the help of UP experts to “find” the senator.

On Thursday, fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson released a statement saying he’d rather die than surrender to authorities. This just in: Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has just rejected Erwin Tulfo’s offer to negotiate.

At press time, fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson has yet to surface. Who the hell does Lacson think he is, the grand lotto winner?


Call Center Leader
The Philippines has reportedly overtaken India as the world’s call center capital. Sought for reaction, a call center agent said, “Ov course, ‘yan ey meygandahng baleetah. Good for uz, you know!”

Reports say the Philippines has overtaken India in terms of number of call center employees this year… which automatically makes the Philippines No. 1 in terms of stress-related illnesses.
——————————
“A small leak can sink a great ship.”
~Benjamin Franklin

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang may kakambal na kamalasan ang pagtama ng multi-milyong pisong jackpot sa lotto?
– Oo! Mamalasin sa buhay ang winner. 9.51%
– Hindi. Nasa diskarte na ‘yan ng nanalo. 83.29%
– Hmmm, minsan naniniwala, minsan hindi. 7.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Briefly Noted
Former Vice President Noli De Castro’s opening line, TV Patrol (Thursday, Dec. 2):
“Magandang gabi bayan! Hinostage ng isang lalaki at pinagsasaksak ng labingwalong beses ang kanyang live-in partner…” Wow, magandang gabi nga!

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JACKPOT


Lone Winner
According to the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office, a lone bettor has won the P741-M jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto draw Monday night. The winning bet was placed at a lotto outlet inside the Subic Bay Free Port Zone… fueling speculations that Mike Arroyo has relocated to Olongapo City.

A couple of weeks back, while a lot of people prayed to God to win the lottery, Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz declared on radio and TV, “Ipagdarasal ko sa Panginoon na sana ay walang tumama sa Grand Lotto.” Well, guess who got snubbed.

Rizal & Lottery The PCSO says our national hero, Jose Rizal actually won the loteria (Spanish word for lottery) in 1892 while he was on exile in Dapitan, Zamboanga del Norte. Rizal religiously placed bets on the loteria… despite threats from Spanish friars they would pray hard so he wouldn’t win the jackpot.

According to the PCSO, Jose Rizal won P6,200 in a lotto draw in 1892. News of his win spread like wildfire on Facebook, and Rizal’s name became the top trending topic on Twitter.

Top 5 “Dear Lotto Winner’ Statements

No. 5: Dear Lotto Winner: Ang swerte mo! Syet ka!

No. 4: Dear Lotto Winner: Sabi ni Archbishop Oscar Cruz, makabubuti raw na dalhin mo na ang buong pamilya mo abroad. You’ll end up a loser din daw dahil magkakaroon ka ng iba’t ibang problema. Gusto kong malaman ang opinyon mo: bakit kaya sobrang bitter ng paring ito?

No. 3: Dear Lotto Winner: Kung ikaw si Liz Uy, sasagutin mo ba ang presidente? Kung oo, are you nuts? Wala lang.

No. 2: Dear Lotto Winner: Taga-Pampanga ka ‘no!? Aminiiiiiin!

And the No. 1 “Dear Lotto Winner’ statement…

Dear Lotto Winner:
Sana totoo ka.
Sana hindi kami binobola ng PCSO.

This just in! There’s no truth to rumors that the PCSO has released – for the first time in lotto’s history – the photo of the jackpot prize winner. Right click here for the alleged picture of the winner. Again, not true.

Finding Lacson
The Philippine National Police has proposed a P2-million reward for information leading to the arrest of fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson. To lure informants, a million peso will be added to the total reward money every week.

The PNP wants to put up a P2-million reward for information leading to the arrest of fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson. However, Lacson’s spiritual adviser Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz is praying that no one gets the reward.

Pulse Asia Survey
According to Pulse Asia, 69 percent of Filipinos support the Reproductive Health bill. Catholic bishops described the figure as scandalous.

The latest survey showed that 7 of 10 Filipinos support the RH bill. The other three were afraid of excommunication.

In the October 20 to 29 Pulse Asia survey, 69 percent of Filipinos expressed support for the Reproductive Health bill while only 7 percent went against it. Catholic Bishops were enraged when they learned that the remaining 24 percent went for Vetellano Acosta.

Results of the latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 69 percent of Filipinos were in favor of the RH bill while a mere 7 percent went against it. The remaining 24 percent, according to Catholic bishops – were in purgatory.

SWS Survey
In the September 24 to 27 survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima got a satisfaction rating of 54 percent. The other 30 percent didn’t give her a rating, while 16 percent were dissatisfied – all of them, APO members.


You know who else feels like a lotto winner these days?
Gerardo Biong, the Parañaque cop convicted in the grisly Vizconde massacre in 1991 was released from prison Tuesday. Before he left his cell, Biong burnt some blankets, bed sheets, clothes, and other pieces of evidence of his incarceration.

De Lima vs. De La Fuente
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has ordered the indictment of bus operator Claire De La Fuente for failing to remit to the Bureau of Internal Revenue some P148 million in taxes from 1997 to 2004. De La Fuente denied she defrauded the government, and said, “Nagkataon lang na sunud-sunod ang mga years na ‘di kami nakabayad. Pero, hindi sinadya ‘yon.”

ECE Board Exam
At least 15 Electronics and Communications Engineering graduates in the Visayas and Mindanao claimed there had been a leak in the recent board exam in Cebu. The Professional Regulation Commission vowed to investigate the matter even as the Presidential Communications Group denied it was the source of the leak. ———————————
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
– Woody Allen

Survey Says
Dapat bang limitahan sa PhP500-M ang jackpot sa lotto?
– OO! 19.83%
– HINDI! Hayaang lumaki! 62.47%
– Wala akong pakialam. ‘Di ako tumataya sa lotto 17.7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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SECURITY

Warning
Heard the latest rumor? The United States and Canada have both issued a travel advisory for its citizens in the Philippines. Americans and Canadians were advised not to travel to Zamboanga, Basilan, and the ABS-CBN basement parking.

Authorities are alarmed by the alleged kidnap try on the father of pop star Sarah Geronimo. If suspected criminals could get through ABS-CBN’s security, Malacanang is no longer safe.

But the incident involving Sarah Geronimo’s father wasn’t the first time someone was held against his will in the ABS-CBN compound. Somebody named Willie Revillame is still waiting to be released.

Quimbo and Facebook
Marikina City 2nd District Rep. Romero Federico Quimbo, has filed a resolution seeking to regulate the use of Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites in government offices. Exempted from the proposed measure are public information bureau personnel who need to disseminate information online, and Department of Agriculture employees who are addicted to Farmville.

A Houseful of Errors
Perhaps you’ve heard about this. For almost three weeks (or until last Tuesday), the Lower House’ official website posted the wrong information on Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao. The website indicated that Pacquiao’s ‘Age’ was 68 and his ‘Spouse’ was a certain “Elizabeth B. Salvacion.” Pacquiao was inclined to just ignore the two errors… but got pissed when he saw the posted info beside the word ‘Sex’ – “Sikrit! Pero last year pa. Sa Las Vigas.”

Credible Polls
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 7 of 10 Filipinos believed the May 10 elections were credible. The other three were Jamby Madrigal, JC De Los Reyes, and Nicanor Perlas.

Phone Addicts
According to a recent survey conducted by global research agency Synovate, 25 percent of Filipino youths in Metro Manila cannot live without a cellphone. The remaining 75 percent promised to attend the burial.


Special Report
Excerpts from the transcript of a telephone conversation between The Professional Heckler and Sen. Panfilo ‘Ping’ Lacson:

(Phone Rings)
The Professional Heckler (TPH): Hello…?
Sen. Ping Lacson (PING): Hello? Is this the Professional Heckler?
TPH: Yes… who’s this please?
PING: Si Senat Kzzst… kzzst… kzzst..tor Lac.kzzst…son ‘to!
TPH: Naku! Galaw po kayo ng konti. Chubby ka! Chubby.
PING: Oo nga eh. Medyo tumaba tayo. Ano, malinaw na?
TPH: Ayan, okay na po. Si Senator Lacson po ba talaga kayo?
PING: Oo nga! Ba’t ba ayaw mong maniwala?
TPH: Eh kasi parang ang lapit n’yo lang eh.
PING: Malapit naman talaga ako eh. Nandito lang ako sa Pilipinas.
TPH: Where exactly Senator?
PING: Gago ka ba? Eh ‘di mahuli ako.

TPH: O, napatawag kayo?
PING: Wala lang. Walang masyadong ginagawa eh. ‘Tsaka may isa ka yatang reader na nagrequest na ma-interview ako. Kaya heto… ako na ang tumawag sa ‘yo para ‘di ka na mahirapan.
TPH: Saan ba talaga kayo nagpunta?
PING: Sa tabi-tabi lang. ‘Di naman talaga ako umalis ng bansa eh. Bobo at tanga lang talaga ang mga pulis at ang NBI.
TPH: Ang hirap naman ho yata na tumatakbo kayo sa batas?
PING: Sinong may sabing tumatakbo ako? Palakad-lakad nga lang tayo eh.
TPH: Pero mahirap ‘din ho yan…
PING: Ang mahirap lang, magsuot ng damit na pambabae.
TPH: So nagdadamit-babae kayo?
PING: Kapag lumilipat ng lugar. Mahirap na. Baka may makakilala. Tiklo tayo ‘pag minalas!
TPH: Kapag nakadamit-babae, nagmi-makeup din kayo?
PING: Minsan! Pero sanayan lang. ‘Buti ‘ka mo at hiyang ako sa Lancôme. Nagka-rashes kasi ako sa Neutrogena eh. Pati ‘yong Maybelline, nangati ang mukha ko. Itinigil ko na.

TPH: Teka, hindi ho ba delikado ‘tong pag-uusap natin? Baka ma-wiretap tayo?
PING: Ano ka ba naman?! Sanay na ‘ko d’yan! Gawain ko rin ‘yan noon. Pero ngayon pa ba ako matatakot eh si Noynoy na ang presidente!
TPH: Since February pa nga pala kayo nagtatago…
PING: Tarantado! Hindi ako nagtatago. I’m just on extended vacation.
TPH: So anong reaksyon n’yo nang si Noynoy ang manalong pangulo?
PING: Siyempre, hopeful. Imagine kung ‘di s’ya tumakbo? Eh ‘di si Erap ulit ang ang presidente natin. Dead man hiding na sana ako ngayon!

TPH: Congratulations nga pala sa inyong bagong committee!
PING: Ah oo! I’d like to take this opportunity nga pala para magpasalamat kay Manong Johnny Enrile at sa mga kasamahan ko sa majority ng Senado. Kahit wala ako diyan, ipinagkatiwala nila sa ‘kin ang chairmanship ng committee on accounts.
TPH: Pero senator, pa’no nga pala n’yo magagampanan ang inyong tungkulin as committee chairman kung wala kayo sa mga sesyon?
PING: Sus! Problema ba ‘yan?! Eh bakit si Sonny Trillanes… may travel expenses na P247,404 last year kahit nakakulong? Fourth biggest spender pa! Wala nang imposible ngayon!

TPH: ‘Sabagay. Mukhang si Presidente, maamo sa inyo ah. Pati ‘yong double murder case n’yo pinakialaman na rin. Pinapa-review sa DOJ.
PING: Narinig ko nga. But I think unfair namang sabihing he’s “meddling” in my case. I think, the appropriate term is “concerned.” After all, Shalani used to be a member of my Senate staff. Pero sa tingin ko, hindi pakikialam ‘yon.

TPH: ‘Balik ho tayo sa kaso n’yo. Kung inosente talaga kayo sa pagpatay kina Dacer at Corbito, eh sino?
PING: Mahirap nang magsalita sa telepono. Sa korte ko na lang ibubunyag ‘yan.
TPH: Pa’no n’yong ibubunyag eh nagtatago nga kayo?
PING: Problema na ng korte ‘yan! Basta, isa lang ang masasabi ko, God Save the Philippines from the mastermind of that gruesome crime!

(Another phone rings)
TPH: Hello? Sino ‘to?
Man’s Voice: Puwede bang mag-react? Tinitira na naman ‘yata ni Panfilo Morena Lacson ang daddy ko eh?
TPH: Naku! Next time na lang po. Sige, bye!

PING: Teka, mukhang malo-lobat na ako ah. Mahaba pa ba?
TPH: Mabilis na lang ‘to Senator. Ano nga palang ang masasabi n’yo sa dating pangulo? Kongresista na siya ngayon.
PING: Hahaha! We have something in common. Kung ako, tumatakbo palabas ng bansa; si Mrs. Arroyo, tumatakbo palabas ng session hall! Kawawa naman ‘yong ale. Habambuhay na hinahabol ng karma…
TPH: Yeah, another thing you have in common.
PING: Anong sabi mo?!?!
TPH: Ah… senator, ‘di kita marinig. Chubby ka. Chubby. Galaw ka ng konti.

TPH: Maiba ho ako, gusto n’yo bang maging ninong sa kasal nina Pangulong Noynoy at Shalani Soledad?
PING: Depende. Kung papayag…
TPH: You mean, depende kung kukunin kayo?
PING: Hindi! Depende kung papayag si Kris na matuloy ang kasal!

TPH: Message n’yo na lang ho sa bagong kasal, este sa mga Pilipino…
PING: Alam na nila ‘yon. ‘Tsaka, ‘di ako sanay sa message-message na ‘yan. Wala naman tayo sa Startalk o sa The Buzz para mag-message-message. Masyadong showbiz! Nakakasuka! Basta, hello na lang sa manugang kong si Jodi Sta. Maria. ‘Wag mong kalimutan iha, Pampi loves you so much. Miss ko na ang aking apo. Pangako, dadalaw ako. Malapit na. At Jodi, I hope na dumami pa ang movie at TV projects mo. Good luck sa iyong career.
TPH: Oo nga Senator, mukhang ‘di kayo showbiz. Sa ating bagong Pangulo, baka meron ho kayong gustong iparating…
PING: Kay Noynoy… ipagpatuloy mo lang ang iyong mga nasimulan. Kaisa mo ako sa matuwid na pamamahala. Tama ang desisyon mong ipagbawal ang ‘wangwang.’ Tama ang desisyong mong ipagbawal ang tong. Tama ang desisyon mong ipagbawal ang counterflow. Tama ang desisyon mong ipa-review ang kaso ko! Mabuhay ka!

TPH: Maraming salamat sa pagtawag mo Senator Panfilo Lacson. Malaking karangalan ho na makausap ko kayo kahit sa telepono.
PING: Maraming salamat din sa pagkakataong ibinigay mo sa akin. Matagal ko nang hindi ginagawa ‘to. Bored lang talaga ako. Puwedeng magtanong?
TPH: Sige po. Ano ‘yon?
PING: What are you wearing?

Toot.. toot.. toot. Naputol ang kuneksyon.
End of Interview.
——————–
“Security is an illusion. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.”
~Helen Keller

Survey Says…
On the sacking of PAGASA chief administrator Prisco Nilo:
– DAPAT NOON PA! Besides, it’s the president’s prerogative. Hayaan na natin. 37.5%
– SO UNFAIR. He’s a dedicated public servant. 54.2%
– Not familiar with the issue. 8.3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Briefly Noted
From a news item at ABS-CBN News Online (screen cap). Can you please read the encircled figure for me? I’m not good with numbers.

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V FOR VELARDE

El Shaddai Party?
Interviewed by ABS-CBN’s Bandila, El Shaddai leader Bro. Mike Velarde said he might be compelled to run for president in 2010 if the Reproductive Health Bill is passed in Congress… thus making him the first presidential candidate to run… on a platform of blackmail.

Bro. Mike Velarde told Bandila that he would be forced to run for president if “provoked and angered” (by what’s happening in the government today). If other Filipinos would have the same mindset, then everyone would be a candidate. Ang saya!

Bro. Mike Velarde says becoming a president is a boyhood dream… until he discovered money in religion.

Top 5 Suggested Slogans for Brother Mike’s Presidential Campaign

5: Tandaan ang pangalan: Bro. Mike po lamang.
Iba po ‘yong Bro. Eddie. Siya po ‘yong talunan! Amen? Amen!

4: Mike Velarde: Kakampi ng militante
Sa Edsa man o sa Mendiola pwedeng mag-prayer rally!

3: Sundin ang Utos ni Yahweh… Iboto si Velarde!

2: Sa ikauunlad ng bayan… payong at panyo ang kailangan!

And the No. 1 suggested slogan for Brother Mike’s presidential campaign…

1: Pagkain para sa mahirap! Sisig, luglog at umaapaw pa!

[This item on Bro. Mike got featured on TV 5’s Ten: The Evening News (Sidetracked segment hosted by journalist Jove Francisco).]
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China’s Milk Mess
China reported that the number of children sickened by an infant formula tainted with the banned industrial chemical melamine has doubled to nearly 53,000. That explains the high number of absentees in Beijing’s advance gymnastics class.

Briefly Noted
Don’t you just pity those Chinese kids? They’re born and get nourished with contaminated milk. They survive to become toddlers who play with toys containing lead. And when they cry, they’re offered White Rabbit candies… with formalin.

Lacson and Villar
Talking about Sen. Manuel Villar’s alleged involvement in the double budget appropriations, Sen. Panfilo Lacson asserted, “Alam kong tama ang pinaglalaban ko at handa akong makipagbasagan ng mukha at makipagputukan ng kilay ano man ang kalabasan ng ‘pinaglalaban kong ito,” to which Villar said, “Teka lang! ‘Di pa nga gumagaling ‘tong kilay ko eh.”

Lacson and Villar II
On Sen. Manuel Villar’s alleged involvement in the double budget appropriations, Senator Lacson said, “Handa akong makipagbasagan ng mukha at makipagputukan ng kilay ano man ang kalabasan ng ‘pinaglalaban kong ito.” And then said, “Wait, linawin ko lang, handa akong makipagbasagan ng mukha. Period. ‘Wag na ‘yong kilay. Mahirap ayusin ‘yun.”

PAF Chief vs. Smut
A Philippine Star report says Philippine Air Force chief Lt. Gen. Pedrito Cadungog has banned nude and sleazy photos in all its facilities including command posts, barracks, living quarters and unit bunkers. The ban has confirmed reports Cadungog is a moral crusader, a values advocate, and a jealous type of leader.

Nielsen Survey
According to Nielsen Media Research, the Philippine Star is the most widely read broadsheet in Mega Manila today followed by the Manila Bulletin. The Philippine Daily Inquirer fell to third place… forcing Inquirer execs to drop its “Dare to Ask: Be an Inquirer” campaign and start a new one called: “Care For Us: Buy The Inquirer.”