3 02 2012

PRESIDENT AQUINO has confirmed reports he recently dated TV host and radio jock Grace Lee. For the record, the President and Ms Lee have so far dated two or three times. Or as Niel Tupas and the prosecution team would probably say 45 times.

President Aquino admits he and Korean Grace Lee are seeing each other. The President believes that Grace is his Seoul mate.

Confirmed! TV and radio host Grace Lee, 29 is officially dating President Noynoy Aquino, 52. Again, dating. Not carbon dating.

Grace Lee was quoted to have said that President Aquino was “brilliant, if not the most intelligent man I’ve met in my life.” Apparently, she had met only a few.

From 45 to 24
Despite television footage showing otherwise, lead prosecutor Niel Tupas denied that the prosecution presented to the media documents that would prove Chief Justice Corona owned 45 properties. Tupas said they could only present evidence for 21 to 24. And this just in: Tupas has denied saying that “like Judas Iscariot,” Mr Corona “betrayed God for a few pieces of gold.” He clarified that it’s for a few pieces of rubies only.

From 45 properties, Niel Tupas is now saying Corona owns only 21 to 24 pala. Talk about misdeclaration.

Observers who have been monitoring the Corona impeachment trial say his conviction is sort of a ‘mission impossible’ for the prosecution. And Niel Tupas is the tape that self-destructs every 5 seconds.

First Time
For the first time since the impeachment trial started, Sen. Lito Lapid asked a prosecutor one clarificatory question last Wednesday. That’s a rare spectacle: Lito Lapid and a prosecutor. On the one hand, you have a stupid guy who takes the floor and gets ridiculed, and on the other hand, you have Lito Lapid.

Manila Bulletin
Last February 2, the Manila Bulletin celebrated its founding anniversary. The daily is now 112 years old – making it the next possible candidate for presiding officer in the impeachment trial.

The marriage of James Yap and Kris Aquino has finally been annulled. Congratulations… James Yap!

Kris Aquino has officially announced that she’s single again. Of course, this is the best time to announce it. She can’t just let Grace Lee have all the attention.

Kris Aquino’s lawyers say the ex-couple’s marital problems were rooted in “personality disorders.” James doesn’t have personality; Kris has disorders.

Facebook Timeline
In less than a week, Facebook Timeline will be mandatory for all users. Timeline will show off posts that people might have wanted to forget. Last night, Niel Tupas and Miro Quimbo decided to delete their Facebook posts claiming Corona owned 45 properties.

Facebook Timeline will now be mandatory. Justice Serafin Cuevas is excited to display his posts from as far back as the 18th Century.
“Lust fades, so you’d better be with someone who can stand you.”
~ The Story of Us

Quote of the Day
“Apparently, the trial outside the courtroom is proceeding faster than the trial inside the court.”
~Senator-Judge Gregorio Honasan

More PickUp Lines
Si Senator Enrile ka ba? | BAKIT? | Kasi… you’re the JUAN! Boom!”

Si Vice President Jejomar Binay ka ba? | BAKIT? | Kasi, gusto kong maging liwanag sa iyong dilim! | Boom!

Si BIR Commissioner Kim Henares ka ba? | BAKIT | Kasi, handa kong IBUWIS ang buhay ko para sa ‘yo! | Boom!

Happy February! Spread the love!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



25 01 2012

PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER on political affairs Ronald Llamas was photographed by a Philippine Daily Inquirer (Bandera) reporter buying pirated DVDs at Circle C mall on Congressional Avenue, Quezon City Monday night. The vendor revealed that Llamas purchased almost P2000 worth of pirated DVDs… which was why Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwargenegger movies were nearly sold out.

To be fair, the guy (I think) is honest. When his security aides were caught with an AK-47 assault rifle in October 2011 following a road accident, presidential adviser on political affairs Ronald Llamas admitted he had at least five firearms. Anytime now, Llamas will admit to owning at least five sacks of pirated DVDs.

This just in: The Optical Media Board headed by actor Ronnie Rickets will conduct a raid at Circle C mall on Congressional Avenue in Quezon City. They will follow that up with a raid at Secretary Llamas’ residence.

Informed of the Ronald Llamas incident, President Aquino said, “Pasensiya na kayo kung hindi yan ang number one sa priority ko.. In totally unrelated information, records reveal that in high school, Llamas was voted ‘Most likely to get away with everything.’

The Oscars
The nominations for the 84th Academy Awards have been announced. Nine films will vie for Best Picture Oscar. The list includes ‘The Descendants,’ ‘The Artist,’ ‘Hugo,’ ‘War Horse,’ ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,’ ‘Moneyball,’ ‘Midnight in Paris,’ ‘The Tree of Life,’ and ‘The Help.’ Unfortunately, I haven’t seen ANY of these films. My initial plan was to buy a copy… but then again, why spend if I could just borrow from Secretary Ronald Llamas?

Supporting Actor nominees include Kenneth Branagh for ‘My Week With Marilyn;’ Nick Nolte for ‘Warrior;’ Jonah Hill for ‘Moneyball;’ Christopher Plummer for ‘Beginners;’ and Max Von Sydow for ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.’ Perhaps the biggest snub was the omission of Frank Drilon for his supporting role in the prosecution panel.

Day 5: Impeachment Trial
On Tuesday, January 24, the prosecution panel failed to present a memorandum explaining its inclusion of the ill-gotten wealth issue in Article 2 of the eight Articles of Impeachment. Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile was compelled to adjourn the trial and no prosecution witness was presented. Evidently, the defense panel scored on that one. Or as Philippine media would say it, “Day 5 goes to the prosecution.”

After less than two hours, Day 5 of the impeachment trial was adjourned. Shortly after, the prosecution team’s spokespersons were presenting their evidence to the media.

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas Jr. asked Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile to be “more liberal” in handling the trial. Enrile retorted, “How liberal?” Tupas was sooo tempted to say, “Hmm, with a capital L?”

Before he adjourned the trial, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Kung sakaling hindi n’yo matanggap ang aking pamamalakad sa paglilitis nitong kasong ito, ako po ay open. Ibibigay ko itong upuan sa sinumang gustong pumalit sa akin.” To which Sen. Franklin Drilon said, “Ehem.”

Senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago, who attended the impeachment trial for the first time, scolded the “unprepared” prosecution panel… with the exception of its spokespersons who were always prepared for press cons.

Describing her first day as a member of the impeachment court, Senator Santiago said, “I’m suffering from terminal boredom.” To which Senator Lito Lapid said, “Ako rin.”

Despite the ongoing impeachment trial of Chief Justice Corona, Senator-judge Lito Lapid signed a deal with ABS-CBN. Just to clarify, it’s a deal for a soap opera; not a deal to convict Corona.

President Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union Address (SOTU) Wednesday morning (Manila time). There was this awkward moment when the President vowed to implement reforms by filing cases against former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Fashion enthusiasts were all eyes on US First Lady Michelle Obama. She looked fab in a royal blue dress. In a press con after Obama’s SOTU, the First Lady denied rumors she bought the dress from SM.

President Kris
Kris Aquino will become the 17th president of the Republic of the Philippines according to Half-British and half-Indian psychic Robert Das. That prediction was half-bull, half-sh*t.
“The will to win is worthless if you do not have the will to prepare.”
~Thane Yost

Quotes of the Day
“Our request is for the Honorable Tribunal to be more liberal in the asking of questions by the prosecution.”
~Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas to Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile

“Kung natatandaan n’yo, tinutulungan ko pa nga ang prosecution na mapalabas nila ang gusto nilang palabasin. Baka nga magduda ang depensa na kasama ako sa prosecution. Kung ayaw n’yo, ako ay magru-ruling lang at you can reverse me.”
~ Presiding Officer Juan Ponce Enrile

‘Wag na tayong magpa-epal dito dahil nawawalan ng gana ang mga nanonood.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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12 01 2011

Facebook Hoax
Earlier this week, rumors circulated online that popular social networking site Facebook would be shutting down on March 15. A number of people actually believed the hoax. In fact, when President Aquino heard about it, he told Secretary Ricky Carandang to start packing in two months.

Interviewed by ABS-CBN News’ Anthony Taberna, Sandiganbayan spokesman Atty. Renato T. Bocar stated that ex-Maj. Gen. Carlos F. Garcia was a “victim of injustice.” By the way, that was Bocar’s answer to Taberna’s question: “Magkano?”

Goma (Still) in Trouble?
Facing felony tax charges, actor Richard Gomez (husband of Leyte Rep. Lucy Torres) is trying to arrange a tax amnesty deal with the BIR. I don’t have the details of the arrangement but I think Goma has a bigger chance of getting off the hook had he struck a deal with the Ombudsman.

Actor Richard Gomez is facing tax evasion charges. Rumors say if he fails to get a tax amnesty, he’d probably ask Lucy Torres to replace him as respondent.

Trillanes Attends Hearing
After being granted provisional freedom, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV attended Senate’s first hearing for 2011 on Tuesday. He participated in the ongoing probe of the alleged exploitative practice of some hospitals employing fresh nursing graduates without giving proper compensation. At one point, the questioning got so intense; Trillanes threatened to blow up those exploitative hospitals.

Missing Senator
Senator Lito Lapid has been marked absent in the Senate for more than a month now. According to Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile, the actor-senator has not been attending Senate hearings. If it’s any consolation, hindi halata.

Sorry Solon
Alliance of Volunteer Educators party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay has apologized for humiliating a PAL attendant by calling her “menopausal bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch” last month. Magsaysay’s foul language was understandable though. Minsan kasi, kung ano ang kinakain ng isang tao, ‘yon din ang lumalabas sa bibig niya.

Top 5 Things (Not) to Say If Congressman Magsaysay Calls You A “Menopausal Bitch”

No. 5: “Ah ganun? Puwes, paihi nga! Ooops, sorry. Akala ko imburnal!”

No. 4: “Guard! Guard! May buwaya! May nakawalang buwaya!”

No. 3: “Ang baboy n’yo naman!”

No. 2: “Ako?!? Menopausal bitch? Eh bakit doble ang baba n’yo?”

And the No. 1 thing (not) to say if Congressman Magsaysay calls you a menopausal bitch…

“Uy, ang ku-kyut naman ng mga anak mo congressman. Ang tataba pa! Hiyang ba sila sa darak?

Pacman’s Jet?
Cong. Manny Pacquiao denies buying a European-made, 32-seater aircraft even as his wife Jinkee, insists the private jet belongs to Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson. In a separate interview, Singson denies owning the plane and accused Jinkee of setting him up.

More Female Drivers
Metro Manila Development Authority Chairman Francis Tolentino proposed the hiring of more women to drive public utility vehicles. Tolentino’s proposal got an early backing from… holduppers.

Rogue Cops
In a message during Tuesday’s 110th anniversary celebration of the Manila Police District, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim called for drastic action against rogue members of the police. Hmm, let me guess… Tondo?

LRT Accident
Did you hear what happened at the LRT-Edsa station Tuesday? Seven people got injured when a security guard “accidentally” fired his shotgun. The injured were rushed to the hospital while the guard was brought to police headquarters… but was immediately released after the President granted him amnesty.

In Showbiz…
Reports say TV host Pia Guanio has a new boyfriend. Like we all care.
“The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.”
~Edmund Burke

Survey Says
Sa gitna ng mga patotoo ng devotees ng Black Nazarene, kayo, naniniwala ba kayo sa himala?
– Definitely! Meron talaga. 44.57%
– Minsan oo, minsan hindi. 28%
– No! It’s all in the mind. 27.43%

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