nicole2 The day’s biggest news? Suzette Nicolas or “Nicole” is now saying she may have not been raped by Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. She has recunted.

In her sworn statement, Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole stated that she wasn’t sure if she was indeed raped by the American Marine. (Kami rin.)

Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony. And Mike Defensor has just appeared on TV saying, “Don’t look at me!”

I have yet to verify this but I just got word that Suzette Nicolas’ middle name is “Mahusay.” Pinsan daw niya si Udong.

dansmith So it all boils down to this. Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony against American marine Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. Smith has reportedly paid 50,000 pesos in exemplary damages and another 50,000 in moral damages. After the recantation though, the court might just reduce the amount paid for moral damages to 50 pesos.

In her sworn statement, Suzette Nicolas or Nicole recanted her testimony against American marine Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. But isn’t that what US President Barack Obama had promised? Change!

Sought for a comment, Nicole told the Professional Heckler, “Change? Yes, I can!”

Susan Nicolas, Nicole’s mother told the press that they have “suffered for so long,” they have “gotten so tired,” and despite joining a number of anti-US rallies, they still don’t know what the letters V, F, and A stand for.

dansmith2 In her sworn statement, Nicole stated that “I may have in fact been so friendly and intimate with Daniel Smith,” and that “we simply just got carried away.” In other words, before Smith went on top of her, they had a “visiting force agreement.”

As you all know, Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony against Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. Her mom says she has left for the US to be with her American boyfriend, a Marine soldier she met in Zamboanga City. Tomorrow, Mrs. Nicolas will release another statement expressing their support for the VFA.

nicole Have you read Nicole’s sworn statement? Before some people accuse me of picking on their school, it’s stated there guys. She’s Atenean!

Nope, there’s no truth to the rumor that the story of “Nicole” will be featured in “Maalaala Mo Kaya’s” special episode called… “Ang Birhen.”

ursua And finally, the economy is so bad… Attorney Evalyn Ursua has just lost her job!

Top 6 Messages Left on Suzette Nicolas’ a.k.a. Nicole’s Voice Mailbox

6: “Hello Suzette! Nanay mo ‘to! Ano ngang number ni Daniel? Nagtatanong ang ate mo!”

5: “Si Attorney ‘to! Naknamput… alam mo ba kung anong kahihiyan ang ginawa mo?”

4: “Danny here. I know you’ve missed me. Wanna visit me tonight?”

3: “Nanay mo ulit ito. May matanda bang kapatid ‘yang boyfriend mo d’yan? Pengeng number!”

2: “Hi Nicole. Sa Inquirer ‘to. Did you see your front page photo today? In fairness, kami lang ang naglakas-loob na iladlad ang pagmumukha mo. Kainis ka na kasi!”

And the No. 1 message left on Nicole’s voice mailbox…

1: “Hello? Shi Shuzette Nicolash ba ito? O iha, pashalamat ka kay Preshedente Obama ‘noh? At leassht, nasha Yu-Esh ka na. Ang shaya-shaya ‘di ba?”

This Just In!
Sketchy reports say former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye is calling for a press con to present the real Nicole. Apparently, there were two.

jalos In Other News…
Last Sunday, convicted murderer Rolito Go was allowed to leave the maximum security complex of the New Bilibid Prisons. That was less than a month after the release of Ninoy Aquino’s 10 killers. Today, reports say, convicted rapist and former Zamboanga del Norte congressman Romeo Jalosjos was ordered released from the National Bilibid Prisons by Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez. When they read the news, North Koreans, Burmese, Cubans, and Uzbeks became green with envy. The Philippines is a “free” country indeed!

pacquiao Serious Stuff: Money on Manny’s Mind
A reliable source told The Professional Heckler that Solar Sports will file a suit against Manny Pacquiao for breach of contract. This, after Pacquiao reportedly signed a deal with ABS-CBN despite his existing contract with Solar Sports. My source said, “Inilaglag ni Manny ang Solar at GMA 7.” A sports columnist has written earlier that Pacquiao chose the network because it offered him full media support to ensure victory in the next year’s congressional elections.” Sigh.

Survey Says…
What is the most “jologs” FM station?
Barangay LS: 50%
101.9 For Life: 30%
Love Radio: 9%
YES FM: 3%
Energy: 3%
Mellow Touch: 2%
Others: 3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

“A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity.”
~ Baltasar Gracia


Top 10 Shocking Findings of the Independent Probe Conducted on the Alabang Boys Bribery Scandal

10: The Alabang Boys were actually fraternal triplets.

9: When Alabang boy Jorge Joseph (son of Johnny Midnight) was nabbed by PDEA agents, he was carrying three liters of toning water.

8: Tim Yap and his Embassy friends are regular visitors of the Alabang Boys at the PDEA detention cell bringing with them big placards that say: “Justice for the Alabang Boys, Justice for All Social Users!”

7: The parents of the Alabang Boys were loyal clients of DOJ Prosecutor John Resado’s lending business.

6: The controversial DOJ letterhead where the release order was drafted by one of the lawyers of the Alabang Boys (for the DOJ Secretary to sign) is being sold in Recto Avenue, Manila for years.

5: There was a fourth Alabang Boy, and a fifth, a sixth, a seventh, an eight, a ninth, a 10th, an 11th, a 12th, a 13th, a 14th and so on. They’re just out there.

4: A surprise witness, Clarissa Ocampo claimed she was one foot away when a relative of one of the Alabang Boys deposited the bribe money to the bank account of DOJ prosecutor John Resado.

3: The Alabang Boys attempted to bribe DOJ Secretary Raul Gonzales with a year-long supply of Viagra. He felt insulted and didn’t sign the release order.

2: When one of the Alabang Boys was chased during the buy-bust operation, he tried to seek refuge at the St. Luke’s Medical Center (clasping his chest), but PDEA agents caught him before he could reach the hospital.

And the No. 1 shocking finding of the independent probe conducted on the Alabang Boys bribery scandal…

1: This is a high-profile scandal, right? But guess what? The Alabang Boys were not Ateneans!

In Other News…
Japanese finance minister Shoichi Nakagawa is stepping down following reports that he was drunk at a recent G-7 news conference in Rome. In announcing his plan to quit, Nakagawa said, “I have caused trouble to the people.” If Filipino politicians were to emulate Nakagawa, we’d be a leaderless nation right now.

Citibank Client Goes Berserk?
Is this for real? You be the judge.

R&B: Rhythm and Bloodied
Here’s a photo of R&B artist Rihanna after being assaulted by boyfriend Chris Brown.
“A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which is but saying… that he is wiser today than yesterday.”
~Jonathan Swift


Cabinet Shakeup arroyo1
President Arroyo has revamped her Cabinet. Asked if the reshuffle would make a difference in government, she replied, “Change? Yes we can!”

Have you heard about the latest changes in the Arroyo government? Remonde is the new press secretary; Dureza is the new chief presidential legal adviser; Ebdane is the new PMS chief; Razon is the new peace adviser, and the DOJ has a new letterhead.

Here’s a piece of good news: The articulate and amiable Cerge Remonde is the new press secretary. The bad news? Weekly press conferences will now be conducted in Cebuano.

The good news: Jesus Dureza still has a job after his appointment as the new chief presidential legal adviser. The bad news? He’s been barred from leading the prayer in all government meetings, activities, and functions.

Heckler’s Pick 2

Movie: Bribe Wars
Genre: Romantic Thriller
Director: Siraul Gonzaless
Rating: PG-13 for Drug-related theme


Plot Summary:
Janice Santiago and Jovanne Zuño play two government agents assigned to fight drug dealers. The best friends’ solid partnership was put to a test when Jovanne fell in love with a wealthy, young drug pusher. While Janice refuses to meddle with her partner’s personal life, she cannot just let the romance jeopardize the government’s anti-narcotic operations. A moving account of friendship and perfidy, “Bribe Wars” also marks the screen debut of ‘80s radio host Johnny Frightnight as Jovanne’s future father-in-law who tolerates his son’s involvement in the illegal drug trade. Plus an Oscar-worthy performance by Major Marcelino Fernando Jose in his breakout role as a blind narcotic agent who “witnessed” a bribe attempt to silence Janice Santiago; With the special participation of Timm Yup who gives life to the character “Timbukling” – an Über-annoying poseur-buyer who dates suspected drug dealers, and collects Bratz dolls and Bratz accessories.
Memorable Quotes from the Film:
“Ano ako cheap?! Ayoko ng 3M Pizza! Gusto ko pizza from California Pizza Kitchen.”
“My son is not an addict. He is just a social user, kasi sosyal siya! Sosyal ang buong pamilya ko!”
“That Marcelino Fernando Jose is a liar! He cannot be a witness kasi blind siya and that is unconstitutional!”
“My brother is not a pig. My brother is a traitor. Sinisiraan niya kami dahil sa pera!”
“You want ecstasy? Go to Embassy!”

Apologies for the “pilit” na poster. I couldn’t find better photos of the film’s leads.