samar group – THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER

NEWS QUIZ

HAVE YOU BEEN READING or watching the news lately? Find out how much you know about recent and current events by taking this quiz. No Googling please! Don’t cheat. Lawmakers and generals hate competition.

1: Naging paksa ng mga usapan ang halagang 13 pesos and 35 centavos (P13.35) kamakailan. Ano nga ba ito?
A: Presyo ng isang latang sardinas
B: Ang offer na daily wage hike ng mga employers
C: Ang dagdag sa tinatanggap na Emergency Cost of Living Allowance (E-Cola) ng minimum wage earners
D: Limos para sa mga laborers na walang choice

2: To cushion the impact of rising fuel costs, namigay ng Smart cards ang pamahalaan sa mga jeepney at tricycle drivers. Bahagi ito ng Pantawid Pasada program ng gobyerno. Magkano ang laman ng bawat card na tinanggap ng mga jeepney drivers (good for one month)?
A: P1,100
B: ‘Wag nang magreklamo. Ang importante, meron.
C: P1,500
D: Anong sabi n’yo? Maliit? Eh ‘di magreklamo ka sa presidente mong panot!

3: Sino ang babaeng nasa larawan?

A: Ang sinibak na executive ng LTO na si Virginia Torres, shooting buddy ng pangulo
B: Si Marie Peña Ruiz, ang beteranang reporter na ayon sa tsismis ay siya raw bagong apple of the eye ni Pangulong Aquino
C: Si Mary Ruth M. Ferrer, spokesperson ng Sandiganbayan na nagsabing legal ang plea bargain agreement sa pagitan ng Ombudsman at ni retired Major General Carlos F. Garcia
D: Malay ko! Hindi siya sikat!

4: Kung si Antonio Trillanes IV ang poorest senator, sino naman ang second poorest?
A: Tao ba ito? Hiwalay ba sa asawa?
B: Member ba siya ng Noy-Bi team?
C: Galit ba sa kanya si Korina Sanchez?
D: Senator Francis “Chiz” Escudero

5: Sinong public interest lawyer ang abogado rin ng nagsarang Banco Filipino at mortal na kaaway ngayon ng Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas?
A: Atty. Leonard De Vera
B: Atty. Salvador Panelo
C: Atty. Ely Pamatong
D: Atty. Harry Roque

6: Tumaas nang mahigit apat na milyong piso ang yaman ni Pangulong Aquino ayon sa kanyang Statement of Assets and Liabilities and Net Worth. Ano ang paliwanag ng palasyo?
A: “Walang ilegal sa amount na ‘yon. Bahagi ‘yan ng ‘di nagastos na campaign contribution ng kanyang kapatid na si Ms. Kris Aquino.”
B: “The President has always been transparent with his wealth. Wala siyang itinatago.”
C: “Nagbenta ng lote sa Antipolo City ang ating Presidente.”
D: “Apat na milyong piso ang halaga ng Porsche. Public knowledge ‘yan”

7: Isang hapon…
Official No.1: Kaya nga ipatawag natin ang tatlong lider para ma-settle natin kung ano ang deadline.
Official No. 2: Who will set the deadline?
Official No. 1: No, no, no! Of course, we consult them before we set the deadline.
Official No. 2: Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!
Official No. 1: Kaya nagkakagulo eh, ini-insist lang natin ang gusto natin.
Official No. 2 walks out.
Sino ang magkausap?
A: Cong. Mikey Arroyo at BIR Commissioner Kim Henares sa isyu ng deadline sa pagbabayad ng buwis
B: Mga immature na pulitiko at taong-gobyerno
C: Basta! Isa sa kanila Samar; ‘yong isa, Balay! Sure na. Final answer!
D: Makati Mayor Junjun Binay and DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo sa Laperal Compound

8: Kamakailan ay naaresto sa Taguig City si Arabani Jakiran, a suspected member of the Abu Sayyaf terrorist group. Security guard siya sa Pacific Towers Plaza. In defense of Jakiran, isang kilalang tao sa lipunan ang nagsabing more than six years na raw naglilingkod ang suspek bilang guwardiya sa sosyal na condominium. Sino itong personalidad na ito na gusto yatang maging lawyer ni Jakiran?
A: Manny V. Pangilinan
B: Tessa Prieto-Valdez
C: Jaime Augusto Zobel De Ayala
D: Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco

9: Napag-uusapan na rin lang ang pag-aresto… dinakip ng NAIA security si Enrico Del Rosario Aldaba kahapon, May 11 for alleged possession of prohibited drugs. Patungong Palawan umano ang suspek at nang malapit na ito sa airport security screening area, nilulon daw nito ang isang sachet ng shabu. Matapos dalhin sa himpilan ng pulisya, isang Cabinet secretary ang nagtungo roon. Pinsan pala ng kalihim ang suspek. Sino si Cabinet Secretary?
A: Foreign Affairs Secretary Albert F. Del Rosario
B: Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim
C: Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa
D: Hindi ako interested kay Secretary. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko sa suspek: kung nagugutom ka, mag-rice ka! Tanga!

10: May bagong advocacy si Cong. Manny Pacquiao. Anong organisasyon ang napili niyang maging partner?
A: CBCP! Siyempre, anti-RH Bill si Manny!
B: Bantay Bata
C: Gawad Kalinga
D: GMA Kapuso Foundation! Obvious naman ‘di ba? (‘Nood kayo lagi ng Shumi Damani!)

Bonus Questions
No. 1: Ano ang bagong pamagat ng programa ni Willie Revillame sa TV5?
A: “Wil Time, Big Time”
B: “Cashiyahan Para sa Bayan”
C: “Willing Wilyonaryo”
D: “Malay Ko, Pakialam Ko!”

No. 2: Ano ang nangyari sa reporter na ito ng ABS-CBN na si Niko Baua?

A: ‘Yan ang bagong uniform ng ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs kapag demolisyon ang iku-cover. Astig!
B: Tinamaan ng bato na inihagis ng mga squatters na pinapalayas sa Laperal Compound
C: Nakipagsapakan sa reporter ng GMA7 na si Ivan Mayrina dahil sa agawan ng puwesto sa kinu-cover na demolition ng squatters. Itinago ng dalawang networks ang balita. Now you know!
D: Wala lang. Trip lang n’yang ibalot sa malamig na tela ang kanyang ulo. Kasi naman, sobrang init talaga ng panahon ngayon.

No. 3: Sino ang babaeng ito?

A: Ang dating yaya ni Prince William na si Lillie Piccio
B: Ang alleged illegal recruiter na si Tita Cacayan
C: Si Rosel Jakosalem Peñas, ang hina-hunting na bilas ni Pilar Pilapil
D: Dating showbiz scribe na si Portia Ilagan na tauhan na ngayon ni Sen. Bong Revilla

No. 4: Para “Oras-oras, alam mo…”
A: Magbasa ng Libre, ang free newspaper ng Philippine Daily Inquirer
B: Tumutok sa GMA News TV
C: Makinig sa Tambalang Failon at Webb sa dzMM
D: Mag-enrol sa Gapuz Review Center

No. 5: “Nagdaan na naman ang isang araw ng pagbabalita. Isang araw na bahagi ng kasaysayan. Sa ngalan ng bayan sa ilalim ng nag-iisa nating… “
A: Saksi
B: Watawat
C: Aksyon
D: Bandila

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

>Indirect Bribery: Ang pagnanakaw ng mahigit tatlong daang milyong piso mula sa kaban ng bayan. See “plunder.”

>Plunder: Wala nang gano’n. Hindi na uso ‘yan. Kapag nagnakaw ka ng limampung milyong piso o higit pa mula sa kaban ng bayan, ibalik mo lang ang kalahati at ayos na ang butu-buto. See “indirect bribery.”
——————————————————————
“Never awake me when you have good news to announce, because with good news nothing presses; but when you have bad news, arouse me immediately, for then there is not an instant to be lost.”
~Napoleon Bonaparte

You Have Spoken
Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa napipintong pagpasok ni former Senator Mar Roxas sa pamahalaan?
– Great! Kailangan ng gobyerno ang kanyang husay at talino. 15.65%
– Lalong titindi ang tensyon sa pagitan ng Samar at Balay groups. 53.06%
– Let’s see. 31.29%

Enjoy your weekend! Ingat!
Los Angeles Lakers for life!

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WAGI!

THE SOCIAL NETWORK won Best Picture-Drama in the 68th Golden Globe Awards! David Fincher won Best Director for the said movie which also took home the Best Screenplay and Best Original Score trophies. To ‘The Social Network’ team, congratulations!

Aside from ‘The Social Network,’ another big winner over the weekend is the Noy-Bi/Samar team. Congratulations guys for winning the chairmanship of the Commission on Elections!

New Comelec Chief
President Aquino has appointed Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr. as head the Commission on Elections. Observers say Brillantes’ appointment signals the launch of reforms in the poll body, and the launch of Senator Francis Escudero’s presidential bid.

Atty. Sixto Brillantes Jr. is the new chairman of the Comelec. The election lawyer’s appointment marked the start of a new beginning for the poll body and the end of Mar Roxas’ presidential re-run.

Lawyer Sixto Brillantes Jr’s swearing in took place over the weekend. And Mar Roxas hasn’t stopped swearing since.

Election lawyer Sixto Brillantes who is handling at least 25 election cases pending before the Comelec has been appointed chairman of the poll body. If you happen to be Attorney Sixto’s client: “Pa-cheeseburger ka naman! Burger! Burger! Burger!”

Members of the Senate have different reactions to the appointment of lawyer Sixto Brillantes Jr. as Comelec chairman. Senator Juan Ponce Enrile said, “He is a mature lawyer who knows the ethics of his profession.” Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said, “It might be the better part of discretion to decline the nomination.” Sen. Francis Pangilinan said, “He would be hard-pressed to show impartiality.” Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Taaama!”

Weird Weather
Have you been watching the news lately? In Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, streets are submerged in waist-deep flood. In Queensland, Australia communities are still under water. In South Africa, disaster zones have been declared because of heavy rains. In the Philippines, government prosecutors are defending ex-Major General Carlos F. Garcia. Strange weather indeed.

Magsaysay vs. Ocampo
PAL flight attendant Sarah Bonnin Ocampo has formally filed a complaint before the House of Representatives against Alliance of Volunteer Educators party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay. In her six-page complaint, the “menopausal bitch” accused Magsaysay of “serious misconduct, grave abuse of authority, solicitation of favor for personal gain using his public office, and conduct unbecoming of a high-ranking public official.” If proven guilty, Magsaysay would likely receive suspension and a year-long supply of mouthwash.

Here’s the latest twist. The Philippine Airlines management has apologized to AVE Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay and blamed Ocampo for what happened. As the Arabian Proverb says, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

The Golden Globe Awards: Inside Stories
There was a tense moment in Malacañang before the announcement of the winner for Best Picture. The Balay Group was rooting for ‘The Social Network’ while the Samar Group was hoping for a ‘Black Swan’ win.

After the awards night, palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda said, “Not true. There are no factions in the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. They can all work together.”

The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association arrived in a limo. President Aquino, who was a special guest that night, arrived in a Porsche.

Winning Best Director in last night’s ceremonies was “The Social Network’s” David Fincher – NOT Wenn Deramas as earlier predicted.

When Natalie Portman was announced Best Actress, Jennylyn Mercado’s fans staged a walk out.

Not true: The cast and crew of “Rosario” attended the Golden Globe Awards hoping that the film would win “Best Float.” #waley!

Miriam & the Porsche
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says since President Aquino “lives a lonely life,” he can “channel his sexual energies in the company of a sexy car.” In another news dismissed by the senator as “totally unrelated” and “I am completely unaware of,” former DILG Undersecretary Narciso Santiago has bought a new car.
——————————-
Survey Says
Sa isyu ng bagong sports car ng presidente, your take:
– Naghihirap na nga ang maraming Pilipino, pasikat ka naman! 36.92%
– Isyu? Anong isyu ‘don? Pera niya ‘yon. Give him a break! 41.73%
– Ke isyu o hindi, wala akong mapapala d’yan. Deadma! 21.35%

Personal

I tried to keep it a secret to no avail. Yup, I turned a year cuter last January 16. To everyone who sent their greetings via SMS, Twitter, Facebook, and this blog, thank you so much! Sa mga pikon, ‘sensya na. Matagal-tagal pa tayong magsasama dahil I’ve never been this healthier and more inspired. Happiness!

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Stay safe. Quit smoking. Don’t drink. Smile. Spread love. #teamlakers #beatheheat

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Christmas Tidbits
Malacañang’s Christmas party last week was supposed to be exclusive to Cabinet officials. Confusion ensued however when Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa’s guest list inadvertently included some Communists and Sen. Gringo Honasan.

President Aquino was a no-show at the Presidential Communications Group-sponsored party. Secretary Ricky Carandang said the President was sent an invitation that apparently didn’t reach him. But Secretary Herminio Coloma believed the group actually forgot to send him one. Palace spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda explained, “At the end of the day, whether an invitation was sent or not, it’s still the thought that counts.”

Even without President Aquino, the Presidential Communications Group’s Christmas party pushed through. In fact, Asst. Sec. Mai Mislang had a blast during the event. Nagpa-raffle kasi ng pogi.

The Department of Interior and Local Government also sponsored a Christmas party. But there was this brief tense moment when a Christmas light bulb exploded and injured a guest from Hong Kong. Local Government Sec. Jesse Robredo couldn’t really explain how it happened saying it was Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno who was in-charge of the Christmas decors.

Undersecretary Rico E. Puno had the most number of guests during the DILG party. Asked who his visitors were a day later, he couldn’t remember anyone of them.

The Christmas party of the Commission on Human Rights started late, by at least an hour to be specific. CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing refused to start the program unless CHR employees followed her preferred seating arrangement.

The justices of the Supreme Court had so much fun during their own Christmas party. Divided into two groups, the justices performed two production numbers… which, as discovered by UP professors later, were copied from ‘ASAP’ and ‘Party Pilipinas.’

The Department of Tourism’s Christmas party was the most colorful of them all. Rumors say the DOT spent 5 million pesos! And that’s for the backdrop of the stage alone.

Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson spent his Christmas in Hong Kong because the judge hearing his drug case did not allow him to spend it here in the Philippines. Despite his sad fate, Singson remained in “high” spirits.

In Times Street, the Aquinos tried but failed to reenact the Nativity Scene… when Kris Aquino, who played the role of Mary, tried to divorce the man who played Joseph for psychological incapacity.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
—————————–
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
~Erma Bombeck

PERSONAL:Christmas Collision
Sino ang hindi dapat kasama sa larawang ito?

Siyempre, dapat wala d’yan ‘yong iyaking self-proclaimed king ng Heat!
Let’s go Lakers! #beattheheat
December 26, 8AM

Enjoy the rest of your vacation!

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[Photo template courtesy of Office Max’ Elf Yourself]

The First 100 Days

AT A TOWN HALL EVENT held Thursday at La Consolacion College in Manila, President Aquino gave his report on his first 100 days in office. Just like what he did in his first SONA, the President began with the basics or ABCs – Arroyo Bashing Comments.

Monkeys
President Aquino compared the previous administration to the pictorial maxim of the three wise monkeys who “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” Insulted allies of former President Arroyo vow to retaliate as soon as they get out of their cage.

The President lamented, “Malalim at malawak po ang mga problemang minana natin.” Someone in the audience was heard asking, “Ilang ektarya ba ang Hacienda Luisita?”

President Aquino also reported, “Naisaayos natin sa loob lamang ng isandaang araw ang hindi nagawa ng dating administrasyon sa loob ng tatlong libo, apat na raan, apatnapu’t walong (3,448) araw.” And former President Arroyo was like, “Oh yeah, you had eight Hong Kong nationals killed.”

Developments
The President also said, “Paulit-ulit po nating ididiin: trabaho ang pangunahing agenda ng ating administrasyon.” Now we know why Enrico Puno still has a job.

The Chief Executive also boasted, “Nagkakaisa nang muli ang ating lipunan.” Then everyone at the venue felt awkward when he added, “’Yan din dasal ko para sa aking gabinete.”

Citing recent progress in the weather bureau, President Aquino said, “Maling sistema at maling palakad ang nanligaw sa pagtataya ng panahon.” – to which Dr. Prisco Nilo said, “Can we just move on?”

In his report to the nation, President Aquino did not mention anything about jueteng, his controversial shooting buddy Enrico Puno, and the reported factions in the Cabinet. Hear no evil. See no evil. Speak no evil.

President Aquino likewise slammed people whom he described as, “mga kapit-tuko sa puwesto.” At home, monitoring the speech on TV, napalunok na lang ang pamilya Binay.

The Cabinet
When President Aquino delivered his report to the nation on his first 100 days, members of his official cabinet came in full force – amid the reported conflict between the Balay Group and the Samar Group. Other attendees said there was no tension whatsoever between the two factions. It was like AKRho and Tau Gamma in a truce.

The Q&A Portion
After his speech, the President held a town hall meeting with sectoral representatives. The Q&A portion went smoothly as planned. Practice makes perfect!

Some people said President Aquino’s town hall meeting on Thursday appeared to be scripted. In fact, did you hear about the “student-hecklers” from UP Manila? They read their protest slogans from the teleprompter.

Student leaders from UP Manila “interrupted’ President Aquino’s town hall meeting at La Consolacion College Thursday. The President managed to keep his cool though. But a tense moment still ensued when Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim suddenly appeared and yelled, “Posasan na rin ang mga ‘yan! Dalhin n’yo sa Tondo!”

When a group of student leaders interrupted his meeting with sectoral representatives, tv cameras caught President Aquino with a shocked stare. The only other time he wore the same expression was when Shalani Soledad told him, “We’re done!”

While President Aquino was talking about cures for the problems of the country, his sister Kris was tweeting about remedies for her FMD. Magkapatid nga sila!

The President’s Sister
Kris Aquino, the president’s youngest sister told the whole world via Twitter that she has foot and mouth disease. In less than 24 hours, the tweet has become viral.

Kris Aquino has FMD. Joey Marquez has denied responsibility for the viral infection.

Did you hear the news? President Aquino’s sister, Kris Aquino is sick. She has FMD. Nah, not ‘Fresh Meat Deficiency.’ It’s foot and mouth disease.

Actually, Kris Aquino has been tweeting about her FMD for almost a year now. Nahh, not FMD as in foot and mouth disease. It’s her other FMD: ‘First Marriage in Disarray.’

On her Twitter account, Kris Aquino said, “Rare daw for an adult to get hawa but u know me — lapitin ng sakit.” Dahil d’yan, may nagteexxxt: “Correction: ikaw ang lumalapit. – Sakit.”

Satisfied?
According to a recent survey conducted by Social Weather Stations, 7 of 10 Filipinos were satisfied with President Aquino’s performance. The other three were monkeys.
——————-
“We believe that to err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.”
~Hubert Humphrey

Breaking News
Less than a week after the reported break up of President Aquino and Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad, people are now talking about the President’s new apple of the eye. According to dzRH news anchors Deo Macalma and Ruth Abao, the new girl is a junior reporter of TV5. She’s a former child actress and former UP court side reporter in the UAAP. My gulay! She’s too young! May plano ba ang Pangulo na palitan sa trono si Mang Dolphy? The reporter’s name? Patricia Ann Roque.

Reacting to the rumor,Trish tweeted The Professional Heckler. She said
“Huwaaat?! No! I don’t get to talk to PNoy naman eh. Wow, where did that come from?! The last time na na-cover ko sya was his first weekend as president. Yun na yun. Lord, why me?! Hahahaha!”

This just in: Palace insiders denied rumors that President Aquino’s all-time favorite movie is Daddy’s Angel (starring Patricia Ann Roque and ex-basketeer Jayvee Gayoso). Who’s your daddy Patricia? Who’s your daddy! 🙂 Good luck! 🙂

Survey Says…
Prangkahan na. Ano ka:
– Pro-choice. Pass the Reproductive Health Bill! Now na! 88.77%
– Pro-life. No to Reproductive Health Bill! Never! 9.77%
– Hindi ko alam ang isyu. 1.46%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
ABS-CBN News (Lynda Jumilla): PNoy’s 1st 100 days marked by factionalism

GMA News: No time for dates: PNoy’s 1st 100 days show unique style

Earth Times.Org: Aquino on track despite missteps in first 100 days

Newsbreak: ‘Honorable candidate’ left his girl again?

Postscript: See photo of the three monkeys above. Nagkataon lang pong kahawig ng dating pangulo ‘yong third monkey. Hindi po sinadya ‘yon.

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100

President Aquino’s First 100 Days in Office

June 30:
– Experienced the longest limousine ride of his life with his former economics teacher
– Took his oath of office
– Declared war against the “wangwang”
– Committed his first ever mistake: the issuance of the confusing Memorandum Circular No. 1
– Sang a pitchy version of “Estudyante Blues” at a street party

July 1:
– Re-issued the “fine-tuned” Memorandum Circular No. 1
– Palace spokesman argued with reporters and refused to call it a “boo-boo”
Whatevs!

July 4:
– Did some target shooting in Antipolo City with his future brother-in-law Junjun Binay

July 9:
– Appointed Jesse Robredo as secretary of “DILG” but failed to inform the public that Robredo would be in charge only of the LG leaving the DI to another shooting buddy

July 13:
– Partied with the Malacañang Press Corps
– Sang a song and scored 85. Outside, a heavy downpour.
– Sang another song, scored 78. Outside, strong winds blew from the northeast.
– Typhoon Basyang hit Metro Manila

July 14:
– Stormed the NDCC office and reprimanded PAGASA for its “failure” to accurately predict the path of Typhoon Basyang
– Went back to the palace, logged on to Facebook and deleted from his list of friends PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo

July 22:
– While angry mobs busted pipes; schools suspended classes, and people fought over a pail of water, government announced that there was ‘no water crisis’

July 26:
– Played safe in his first State of the Nation Address: no major promises
– Admitted that the government was almost bankrupt and blamed the Arroyo administration
– Exposed the excesses of MWSS executives

July 27:
– Played fair. Announced the appointment of Balay Group’s Ricky Carandang and Samar Group’s Herminio Coloma to the Presidential Communications Group

July 31:
– In agony, watched his sister Kris as she announced on TV her admiration for Junjun Binay
– Phoned Junjun Binay and apologized for his sister’s “usual” behavior

August 6:
– To everyone’s surprise, fired Dr. Prisco Nilo of PAGASA

August 23:
– Hostage crisis happened
– Performed a disappearing act
– Isko Moreno took over.

August 24:
– Re-appeared on TV shortly after midnight and answered questions on the hostage crisis
– Smiled during the press con

August 26:
– Censored his Facebook Like Page following a barrage of angry, racist, and obscene comments from Hong Kong Chinese nationals, and Filipinos as well
– Dr. Prisco Nilo clicked “Unlike”

August 27:
– An intoxicated Little President reportedly spotted at the Manila Peninsula lobby with a has-been singer-actress

August 31:
– Welcomed Miss Universe 4th Runner Up Maria Venus Raj to Malacañang

September 1:
– Palace spokesman denied existence of factions in Cabinet
Peks man? Cross your heart and hope to die?

September 3:
– Without a single official taking responsibility for the botched hostage rescue, he apologized (11 days after the incident); saving everyone’s asses in the process

September 7:
– Revealed differences with Jesse Robredo (We knew it!)
– Enrico Puno’s popularity (or infamy) surged

September 9:
– No holds barred interview with three generations of TV news anchors: Mel Tiangco, Ted Failon and Paolo Bediones
– Foolishly admitted on live TV that he received an insulting letter from Hong Kong
What were you thinking?!

September 13:
– Sworn in members of the so-called “Truth Commission”
Isang malaking good luck!

September 13:
– Ordered the PNP and the DILG to eradicate jueteng, and then declared: “Tapos na ang maliligayang araw nila!”
Isa pang malaking good luck!

September 14:
– Challenged Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz to name his two trusted aides who were allegedly receiving jueteng payola
– Vowed to penalize the two aides. His exact words: “Pasensiyahan tayo, walang awang mangyayari!”

September 17
– Received a copy of the IIRC Report on the hostage crisis
– Released the full report to the Chinese
– Released a portion of the report to the Filipinos

September 20
– Left for the United States with BFF Mar Roxas

September 21:
– Archbishop Oscar Cruz identified the president’s shooting buddy Enrico Puno and former PNP chief Jesus Versoza as “ultimate recipients” of jueteng payola
– Archbishop Cruz revealed “’Yong asawa ni Barretto” visited and ordered him to “go easy” on the president’s shooting buddy

September 23:
– Spent $54 on hotdogs on a New York sidewalk with BFF Mar Roxas and another Balay Group member Cesar Purisima,

September 24:
– Told the press he would not sack Enrico Puno (See September 14 entry; second line)… because the man is entitled to “due process” (See August 6 entry)
– Delivered an address at the UN General Assembly with some 20 official UN representatives in attendance

September 24:
– “Yong asawa ni Barretto” denied telling Archbishop Cruz to “go easy” on the President’s shooting buddy; lectured the media on news gathering and reporting

September 25:
– Spent seven minutes with Barack Obama
First world leaders get 15 minutes

September 25:
– Lito Lapid filed a bill limiting the weight of children’s bag

September 28:
– Returned to the Philippines with US$2.4 billion new investments
– Distributed a bar of chocolate each to his sisters, and a “secret gift” (read: wala) to his girlfriend

September 29:
– Shalani Soledad denied rumored breakup with the President
(May alam kami.)

September 30:
– (Almost) excommunicated!
(‘Di pa man nakakasal, excommunicated na. Patay tayo d’yan!)

October 1:
– Palace spokesman gave the Aquino administration a passing mark for its first three months in office
(Love your own!)

The honeymoon period is done.
100 days are gone.
2,090 days to go.
2016: Are we there yet?
————————————–
“There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”
~Will Rogers

Survey Says
Prangkahan na! Saan ka:
– All-out war laban sa jueteng! 37.09%
– Legalize it! 50.63%
– Kahit ano. Bahala na. 12.28%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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TESTING!

NAKAKAWINDANG.
NAKAKALITO.
Nakakainis.
Nakakagulo.
Wala pa mang isandaang araw sa puwesto, sunud-sunod na ang intrigang ibinabato, at sari-sari nang problema ang nakikipagbuno sa administrasyon ni Pangulong Aquino. Nasusundan n’yo pa ba ang mga pangyayari sa bansang ito? Sige nga, subukan n’yo.

Panuto: Piliin ang titik ng sagot na para sa ‘yo ay tumutugon sa bawat tanong. Bawal mag-Google ng sagot. Walang mandadaya. Sabi nga ng ating pangulo, panahon na para tahakin ang landas na matuwid! You have 45 minutes. Good luck!

1: Ano ang opisyal na katungkulan sa pamahalaan ni Ginoong Enrico E. Puno?
A: Secretary ng DILG
B: Shooting buddy ni presidente
C: Interior Undersecretary
D: Tulay ng jueteng emissary

2: Ano ang ibinigay na dahilan ni Pangulong Aquino nang ibunyag nitong “acting” secretary lamang ng DILG si Ginoong Jesse Robredo?
A: “We had some differences during the campaign as to style.”
B: “My uncle Peping doesn’t really like him.”
C: “He’s got no interest in practical shooting.”
D: “Our relationship is still in the getting-to-know-you stage.”

3: Sa isang panayam sa ANC, nagmungkahi ng tatlong pangalan si Undersecretary Rico Puno na puwede raw ipalit kay DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo. Sinu-sino ang tatlong ‘yon?
A: Jejomar Binay, Edward Hagedorn, at Alfredo Lim
B: Jessica Soho, Luchi Cruz-Valdez at Maria Ressa
C: Rodrigo Duterte, Avelino Razon, at Jesus Versoza
D: Jake Maderazo, Erwin Tulfo, at Michael Rogas

4: Ayon kay Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, magkano ang buwanang jueteng payola na tinatanggap ng dalawang high-ranking trusted officials ni Pangulong Aquino?
A: Dalawang milyong piso bawat isa
B: Ang liit naman no’n!
C: Oo nga, cheap!
D: Limang milyon bawat isa!

5: Pinuri ng palasyo ang bagong talagang pinuno ng kapulisan na si Deputy Director General Raul Bacalzo dahil sa pangako nitong susugpuin ang jueteng at mga ilegal na sugal. In particular, anong policy ni Bacalzo sa PNP ang inilarawan ni palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda as “effective?”
A: “No ID, No Entry policy” – Bawal ang pulis na walang ID sa venue ng bolahan
B: “One strike policy” – Kapag may jueteng sa nasasakupan, sibak ang police directors!
C: “Honesty is the best policy” – Ang magsasabi ng totoo, mapu-promote!
D: “One China policy” – Doble effort sa pagtugis kung gambling lord ay Chinese

6: “It was a disastrous example of incompetence, political factionalism and lack of national leadership.” Ang linyang ito ay mula sa isang artikulong lumabas noong September 6 sa Asian edition ng The Wall Street Journal. Pinamagatang, “Noynoy flunks his first test,” ang kumentaryo tungkol sa palpak na pagresolba ng pamahalaan sa August 23 hostage crisis ay sinulat ni/ng…
A: Isang perpektong mamamahayag
B: Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
C: Maria Ressa, pinuno ng ABS-CBN News & Current Affairs
D: Ricky Lo

7: Isinumite na kay Pangulong Aquino ang 83-page report ng Incident Investigation and Review Committee na pinamumunuan ni Justice Secretary Leila De Lima hinggil sa August 23 hostage crisis. Ngunit ayon kay Communications Strategy Secretary Ricky Carandang, ito raw ang plano ng palasyo:
A: Pagbalik na pagbalik ng Pangulo mula Amerika, isasapubliko
B: Bibigyan ng kopya ang Chinese embassy then, isasapubliko
C: Bibigyan ng kopya ang ANC then, ang Chinese embassy
D: Bibigyan ng kopya ang Chinese embassy, ang ANC, then isasapubliko

8: Matapos humarap sa panel ng mga news anchors mula sa ABS-CBN, GMA-7 at TV5 noong September 9, may binitiwang linya si Pangulong Aquino patungkol sa August 23 hostage crisis sa kanyang closing statement. Natatandaan mo pa ba ‘yon?
A: “To Mr. Donald Tsang, I regret not taking your call.”
B: “To all Hong Kong nationals, apologies for the smile!”
C: “This incident will not define this administration.”
D: “To the angry Chinese community, kayo ang boss ko!”

9: Ang balita: tumawag kay Pangulong Aquino si Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang noong kasagsagan ng hostage crisis. Tumawag ba talaga? Ang sagot ni Presidential Communications and Operations Office Secretary Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma:
A: “Ma!”
B: “’Di po kapanipaniwala ‘yan dahil accessible siya sa lahat nang oras.”
C: “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
D: “Maghapon akong wala sa palasyo. Si Ricky ang tanungin n’yo!”

10: Sino si Michael Rogas?
A: RMN news anchor
B: Kung paniniwalaan ang sabi ng driver ng tourist bus, siya at si Mike Enriquez ay iisa
C: Biglang sikat na reporter
D: Hostage negotiator

11: Mahirap mang paniwalaan ngunit ito umano ang totoong nangyari. Nakatakas sa hostage taker ang ipinosas na bus driver na si Alberto Lubang sa pamamagitan ng:
A: Nail clipper
B: Pagkagat sa posas
C: Magic
D: Nail file

12: Bago mag-alas-siyete ng gabi noong August 23, isang estratehiya ang iminungkahi ni Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim kay Manila Police District head Chief Superintendent Rodolfo Magtibay upang maresolba ang hostage crisis. Ano ‘yon?
A: “Kapag ‘di sumuko, dalhin sa Tondo ang kapatid n’yan at iligpit!”
B: “Ang pinag-usapan namin ni Magtibay, pagurin si Mendoza!”
C: “Bahala na si Isko Moreno sa inyo. Kakain muna ako!”
D: “Sugurin na kasi ang bus para matapos na!”

13: Ayon sa Newsbreak, “Guess who was drunk as a skunk just days after the Luneta bloodbath.” Opisyal ito ng pamahalaan na umano’y namataan sa lobby ng Manila Peninsula na lasing na lasing dakong 2AM last August 27. Sino siya?
A: Joseph Estrada
B: Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa
C: DSWD Secretary Dinky Soliman
D: Have I mentioned Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa?

14: “Ang pakiusap ko ay huwag n’yo itong gawing telenovela.” Ito ang apela ni Social Welfare Secretary Soliman kaugnay ng isyung:
A: Pag-abandona kay Gulf Air baby George Francis
B: Hidwaan ng Balay Group at Samar Group sa gabinete
C: Kinukuwestyong 123% increase sa budget ng DSWD
D: Hiwalayang Shalani at Noynoy

15: Ipinagbabawal na ng DepEd ang pagbibigay ng homework sa mga mag-aaral kapag weekend. Bakit daw?
A: Upang makapaglaro at makapag-bond sa pamilya
B: Upang isulong ang social skills ng mga bata through Facebook
C: Upang maiwasan ang dayaan sa mga sagot
D: Upang makatipid sa lapis at papel

16: Kung sina Budget Secretary Butch Abad at Presidential Management Staff Chief Julia Abad ay mag-ama; sina DOST Secretary Mario Montejo at Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa ay mag-bayaw, at magkapatid naman sina SSS President Emilio De Quiros Jr. at Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros, mag-ano naman sina Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo at Vice President Jejomar Binay?
A: Magkaalyado (Samar Group)
B: Magkapitbahay
C: Fraternity brothers (Alpha Phi Omega)
D: Magka-kulay

17. Kung may bad news, may good news! Ayon kay Tourism Sec. Alberto Lim, tatlong porsiyento lamang ng turismo sa Pilipinas ang naapektuhan ng August 23 hostage crisis. Yehey! Maiba ako, kilala n’yo ba kung sinong broadcast journalist ang kapatid ni Secretary Lim?
A: Mel Tiangco. Middle name n’ya ay Lim, right?
B: Jessica Soho. Magkapatid sila sa ina, ‘di ba?
C: Cheche Lazaro. Maiden name niya Lim, tama?
D: Susan Enriquez. Hindi kita pipilitin kung ayaw mong maniwala. Siya ‘yon!

18: At press time ay mahigit 160,000 na ang followers ni Pangulong Aquino sa Twitter. Ang tanong: ilan naman ang pina-follow niya?
A: Wala. Suplado!
B: More than 10,000
C: Less than 20
D: Wala akong pakialam! Hindi ako nagtu-Twitter!

19: Miss Universe 2010: “What is one big mistake that you made in your life, and what did you do to make it right?” Sino ang nagtanong nito kay Maria Venus Raj?
A: William Baldwin
B: Alec Baldwin
C: Stephen Baldwin
D: Michael Rogas

20: Sino ang babaeng ito?

A: Ang ina ni Gulf Air baby George Francis
B: Lilia Pineda, asawa ng alleged jueteng lord
C: Sandra Cam, jueteng whistleblower
D: Amy Austria, mahusay na aktres

21: Sino naman ang lalaking ito?

A: SPO2 Gregorio Mendoza, kapatid ng napatay na hostage taker
B: RMN reporter/anchor Michael Rogas
C: Insp. Bismark Mendoza, bunsong anak ng napatay na hostage taker
D: Uuuutang na loob, tigilan n’yo na si Michael Rogas!
———————————
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
~Will Rogers

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Naniniwala ba kayo sa alegasyong tumatanggap ng jueteng payola si Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno?
-OO! Posible! 80.92%
-HINDI! Paninira lang! 1.78%
-Hintayin nating matapos ang imbestigasyon. 17.3%

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FACTION, FACTION

IT’S FINAL. Congressman Manny Pacquiao is slugging it out with Antonio Margarito in November. That’s the second most exciting “fight” news of the week… next only to the Balay Group vs. Samar Group turf war.

Reports say there are two warring factions in the Aquino Cabinet: the Balay Group identified with defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas, the Liberal Party, and the Hyatt 10; and the Samar Group, composed of allies and loyalists of the Aquino and Cojuangco families, a number of which supported the candidacy of Vice President Jejomar Binay. To give you an idea of how serious the turf war has become, during meetings, Cabinet members do not address Noynoy Aquino as Mr. President. They call him Mr. Referee.

According to reports, there are two warring factions in the Aquino administration: the Balay Group and the Samar Group. Sometimes, they are collectively known as the Communications Group.

Mislabeled
Reports say three of the coffins of the victims of the August 23 hostage crisis at Quirino Grandstand were mislabeled. Hong Kong authorities believe the mix-up happened at a funeral parlor in Manila… where two factions of embalmers reportedly work.

The DILG
Secretary Jesse Robredo revealed that he was not part of the crisis management team that handled the August 23 hostage crisis. Robredo said he was “out of the loop” in the hostage negotiations – something that was understandable since another DILG faction was tasked to handle the situation.

Malacañang recently admitted that Jesse Robredo was asked to focus on local government units while Rico Puno was assigned to handle the police. Therefore, we have a DI Undersecretary and an LG Secretary. Everybody happy?

The Little President
Newsbreak reported that a very drunk Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. was seen at the lobby of the Manila Peninsula with an unidentified singer-actress around 2 am last August 27. Ochoa vows to issue a statement on the Newsbreak article as soon as his hangover wears off.

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte says his protégé, former Quezon City administrator and now, Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. is “not a heavy drinker.” In fact, “the last time he got so drunk,” Belmonte said, “Binuhat ko siya. Magaan naman.”

Reenactment
Did you hear the news? According to the Department of Justice, the final moments of the August 23 hostage crisis will be reenacted. Prior to this announcement though, the Professional Heckler received a document from an anonymous source detailing the sequence of events on that fateful day. Here are some excerpts from that unverified document.

1700hrs
1: The negotiation breaks down.

2: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

3: Location: Emerald Garden Restaurant. The President orders Yang Chao fried rice, Nanking Beef and Aniseed Beef Tendon.

4: Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang’s aide calls the President. The President’s aide tells the caller from Hong Kong that he’s in a closed-door meeting.

5: The DILG Secretary monitors the event on TV. He tries to help in the negotiations but is told that the Samar faction of the DILG is in-charge of the situation.

6: RMN’s Erwin Tulfo and Michael Rogas try calling the ‘other’ cell phone of sacked policeman Rolando Mendoza hoping to put him on radio again – live and exclusive! Failing to reach the hostage taker, Tulfo shouts “Put*ng-i*a!”

7: ABS-CBN’s Ron Gagalac manages to hand his cellphone to the hysterical brother of the hostage taker. The brother is interviewed by Ted Failon – live and exclusive on TV Patrol!

8: GMA 7 News bigwigs monitoring the other station sends a text message to Susan Enriquez, “Bakit na-scoopan ka no’ng kabila?”

9: Somewhere in Manila. The Executive Secretary enters an establishment with a sign that reads, “Happy Hour begins at 8.”

10: The police tries to arrest the brother again. But Susan Enriquez sneaks past the cops, and puts the hostage taker’s brother on air – live and exclusive, albeit late on “24 Oras.”

11: Warning shots are fired by the hostage taker.

12: Mel Tiangco gets more hysterical than the hysterical brother of the hostage taker.

13. The DILG Undersecretary in charge of the police arrives and talks with the President – about guns and target shooting.

14: The President finishes his meal and orders Honey Lemonade.

15: More shots are fired.

16: The President orders the Balay faction of the Communications Group to draft a statement regarding the hostage crisis.

17: Isko Moreno puts on his make up as he prepares for his first ever phone-patched interview on CNN.

18: The Samar faction of the Communications Group drafts its own statement for the President.

19: The President is informed that Donald Tsang called. He panics.

20: The driver of the tourist bus escapes, runs, and shouts “Patay na lahat sa bus.”

21: The President panics even more.

22: The media believes the driver.

23: The public believes the media.

24: The SWAT members believe in themselves.

25: The SWAT team attacks the bus with what usiseros describe as “higanteng martilyo.”

26: The whole world witnesses ineptitude in motion.

27: Shots are fired from everywhere.

28: It’s over. The hostage taker is dead.

29: It’s a miracle. There are survivors.

30: Usiseros run toward the crime scene.

31: The powerless DILG Secretary walks toward the crime scene.

32: The powerless DILG Secretary looks more like an usisero.

33: The President and the Communications Group head back to the palace.

34: Isko Moreno is interviewed live by CNN via phone patch.

35: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

36: The President chooses between the Balay Group’s and the Samar Group’s official statement.

37: The Executive Secretary downs his final bottle of beer. He proceeds to Malacañang for the press conference.

38: An official statement is posted on the President’s official website.

39: Members of the media gather at the briefing room.

40: The President enters the briefing room.

41: No official statement is read.

42: Both factions happy?

43. The President answers questions from the media.

44: The President partly blames the media.

45: The President smiles.

46: Hong Kong nationals search the President’s Like Page on Facebook.

47: Disappointments. Fury. Wrath.

48: Briefing is over.

49. The Executive Secretary walks toward the kitchen and looks for a bottle of beer.

50: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

—End of Report—

“Factions are a sign of illness in a party.”
~ Ernest Mandel

Survey Says
Sa iyong palagay, ano ang dapat naging aksyon ng pangulo noong kasagsagan ng hostage crisis?
– Tama lang na low-key siya nang time na ‘yon. 33%
– Dapat mas maaga siyang nagpakita sa publiko. 65%
– Wala akong pakialam. 2%

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Have a great weekend!

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