CHRISTMAS AND POLITICS, TOO

FIRST, some bad news. Mayon Volcano has erupted. The explosion has endangered the lives of Albay residents… prompting President Arroyo to declare martial law in the province.

AGAIN, I would like to apologize for this delayed post. I promise to have regular updates after Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, a number of political personalities emailed me and asked why their own re-creations/re-enactments of the Nativity Scene were not mentioned in the previous post. I told them I was running out of time when I uploaded that particular post last Sunday. Nonetheless, I promised to feature their own Yuletide anecdotes in the succeeding posts.

It’s the holiday season. It’s Christmas! The signs are all over: people flocking to Divisoria; Communist rebels declaring a truce with the government, and Satur Ocampo shaking hands with Bongbong Marcos!

Did you hear what happened when the First Gentleman dressed up like Santa at the palace? When he started talking, his grandchildren said, “You’re not Santa! You’re Santo Niño!”

A Yuletide trivia about the Defensor-Santiagos. Since 1992, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago and her husband have refused to display Christmas trees in their house. Asked why, the couple replied, “Ganun katindi ang galit namin sa mga puno.”

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is perhaps the most consistent local executive when it comes to playing Santa to his constituents. He’s been doing that for 23 consecutive years!

Instead of designating someone to buy stuff for him, Sen. Manny Villar himself did the shopping this year. The most expensive item he bought was Loren Legarda.

Atty. Gilbert Teodoro had a difficult time shopping. So he just let Ronaldo Puno do the work for him.

Something bad happened to the Nativity Scene created by Sen. Panfilo Lacson. The three kings who were traveling at night were mistaken for robbers and were ‘neutralized.’ Lacson accused Erap of masterminding it.

The Liberal Party’s re-enactment of the Nativity Scene was one of the most controversial. Serge Osmeña backed out from playing Jesus when he learned that Ralph and Vilma would play Joseph and Mary.

In Pampanga, the re-enactment of the Nativity Scene at the capitol was ordered stopped by Governor Ed Panlilio. The priest-on-leave canceled the event when Mr. and Mrs. Bong and Lilia Pineda insisted on playing the role of the infant Jesus’ “godparents.”

In fairness to Lakas-Kampi-CMD, they did try to re-enact the Nativity Scene. They just couldn’t really complete the cast.

The Roxas-Araneta family had a lavish Christmas party in which the Nativity Scene was reenacted. As expected, Mar Roxas played Joseph. Korina Sanchez was infant Jesus’ stepmother.

Former senator Jovito Salonga’s favorite Christmas carol is “The Christmas Song.” He particularly likes the line that goes, “And so I’m offering this simple phrase/ To kids from 1 to 92…”

Sen. Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. also loves “The Christmas Song.” He gets horny when he hears the line, “Chest nuts roasting on an open fire…”

Senatorial aspirant and retired Army Major Gen. Jovito Palparan doesn’t like people in Santa outfit. He refused to elaborate but said, “I just hate Reds.”

Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros is giving away Transformers toys this year. He purchased both sets of Autobots and Decepticons… because he believes in toys that depict the battle between good and evil.

Rumors say Korina was a no-show at the Christmas party of ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs… making it the group’s most enjoyable gathering in recent years.

The Kapuso Network’s party for the press was well thought of. However, network bosses were reportedly alarmed when ABS-CBN’s press party got a higher rating from the attendees!

In terms of variety though, ABC 5’s Yuletide parties top them all. Every year, they celebrate the Holidays with new owners, new bosses, and new officemates.

Finally, for the first time in history, the Philippine Daily Inquirer and the Philippine Star had a joint Christmas party. Thanks to their joint sponsor, Noynoy Aquino.
______
“If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.”
~Charles Schulz

Light Bites
Q: In Maguindanao, an unidentified person donned a Santa costume. He was really unrecognizable. But when he spoke three words, the kids around him yelled, “Andal Ampatuan Jr!” What three words did he utter?
A: Backhoe! Ho! Ho!

Survey Says…
After watching them in a couple of presidential fora, who do you think deserves your vote in 2010?
NOYNOY AQUINO 25%
JC DE LOS REYES 1%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 1%
DICK GORDON 26%
JAMBY MADRIGAL <1%
GILBERT TEODORO 36%
EDDIE VILLANUEVA 5%
MANNY VILLAR 6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
I’d like to thank Senator Chiz Escudero for the Holiday txt greets. Chiz’ thoughtfulness never fails to amaze me – despite the heckling.

And to everyone who made this year a remarkable and memorable one for The Professional Heckler, Merry Christmas!

To borrow Pacquiao’s line: Maraming salamat sa inyung supurta!

Have a safe vacation!

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PARTNERS

LOREN_DECL
Loren Declares Bid
Sen. Loren Legarda who has officially declared her bid for the vice presidency is reportedly looking for a presidential running mate. In particular, Legarda wants a partner who is “Beyond 70,” “Married,” and “Adventurous.”

Loren Declares Bid II
Did you catch Sen. Loren Legarda’s speech last Friday detailing her “green’ platform of government? After listening to her speech, I was convinced that the lady senator’s the best candidate and the most qualified to become this country’s next… environment secretary!

VILLARWOWOWEE Villar on Wowowee, Again
Presidential aspirant Manny Villar was on the game show Wowowee again last Saturday, and gave away houses and lots to six overseas Filipino workers. If in the next survey he’d still trail Noynoy Aquino by more than 20 percentage points, Villar vows to give away an entire subdivision.

Puno Quits VP Race
DILG Secretary Ronaldo Puno, who has withdrawn his bid for the ruling party’s vice presidential nomination in 2010 says he’s “fed up with politics” to which politics reportedly retorted, “the feeling is mutual.”

Mar & Korina’s Wedding
Sen. Mar Roxas told Senate reporters that he’s “very excited” about his forthcoming wedding with Korina Sanchez. The lady broadcaster is “equally thrilled” but admits she’s been fervently praying that on their wedding day, Roxas won’t give way to Noynoy.

Top 7 Things Korina Sanchez Wouldn’t Want to Hear on Her Wedding Day

No. 7: “And now for the latest update. Tropical storm Santi is now a super typhoon and is expected to make landfall in Southern Luzon and Metro Manila on Tuesday afternoon…”

No. 6: “Akala mo bading, ‘yun pala hindi! Akala mo for show, ‘yun pala for real!”

No. 5: “For the First and Second Reading, may we call on Ms. Mel Tiangco and Mr. RG Cruz.

No. 4: “In fairness huh, ang ganda ng mukha, hikaw, at kwintas. Parang totoo!“

No. 3: “Huwaaat??? Inatake sa puso ‘yung pari??!!”

No. 2: “This senator will self-destruct in five seconds. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1!” (Wedding March then starts playing)

And the No. 1 thing Korina Sanchez wouldn’t want to hear on her wedding day…

“Mabuhay si Noynoy! [Mabuhay!]

_________
“The woman cries before the wedding; the man afterward.”
~Anonymous

Survey Says
Who should be our next vice president?
Jejomar BINAY; 8%
Loren LEGARDA: 4%
Ronaldo PUNO: 1%
Mar ROXAS: 42%
None of the above: 44%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

GIBÔ AND PUNO

gibo_puno
I’VE HEARD people say that the tandem of Gilbert Teodoro and Ronaldo Puno will have a hard time catching up with the survey frontrunners. So how can they figure more prominently in the next survey? Here’s how.

Questionnaire No. 1200: September 19, 2009
Magandang umaga po. Kami po ang pinagsanib na puwersa ng Sssh W. Sssh (SWS) at Fools Asia. Nais lang po naming alamin ang inyong pananaw hinggil sa darating na halalan. Sa pamamagitan po nito ay matutukoy natin ang posibleng magwaging pangulo at pangalawang pangulo na manunungkulan mula 2010 hanggang 2016 (o higit pa, depende sa resulta ng isusulong nilang pagbabago sa Saligang Batas).

Tinitiyak po naming magiging lihim ang inyong mga sagot at tanging ang mga kinatawan lamang ng SWS, Fools Asia, at ng grupong kumumisyon sa survey ang makakabasa nito.

Bilang pagpapahalaga sa tinatawag na transparency, ang pag-aaral na ito ay pinondohan ng Partido Lakas CMD-Kampi o Palaka.

Panuto: Ikulong sa isang trapezoid (hindi bilog, hindi square… trapezoid!) ang titik na kumakatawan sa inyong piniling kasagutan.

1: Aling partido ang susuportahan mo sa darating na halalan?
A: Partido ng administrasyon
B: Partido Lakas CMD-Kampi
C: Partido ni Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

2: Sa pangkalahatan, anong klaseng pangulo ang nais mong iboto?
A: Nanungkulan bilang Defense Secretary
B: Paboritong pamangkin ni Danding
C: Bar topnotcher

3: Sa pangkalahatan, anong klaseng pangalawang pangulo ang nais mong iboto?
A: Nanungkulan bilang kalihim ng DILG
B: Nagtrabaho upang matiyak ang pagkatalo ni Miriam Defensor-Santiago noong 1992
C: Naging political operator nina Ramos, Estrada, at Arroyo

4: Kung mananalo sina Gilbert Teodoro at Ronaldo Puno, at susumpa silang ipapakulong si Mikey Arroyo sa unang taon ng kanilang panunungkulan, iboboto mo ba sila?
A: Oo.
B: Why not?
C: Of course!

5: Sa mga patalastas ng mga pulitikong tatakbo sa halalang pampanguluhan, alin ang pinakagusto mo?
A: ‘Yong tungkol sa paghahanda sa sakuna o emergency preparedness
B: ‘Yong nagbibigay ng tips tungkol sa bagyo
C: Oo, ‘yun nga!

6: Sa mga patalastas ng mga pulitikong posibleng tumakbo sa pagkapangalawang pangulo, alin ang pinakagusto mo?
A: ‘Yong may bata sa ilalim ng puno kasama ang isang mamang makapal ang make up
B: ‘Yong pulis na may bagong batuta, bagong sapatos, at bagong chapa
C: Both

7: Ayon sa mga naunang survey, sina Noynoy Aquino, Manny Villar, at Joseph Estrada ang Top 3 picks ng mga respondents sa pagkapangulo. Ano ang masasabi mo?
A: Weh?!
B: Kalokohan ‘yan!
C: Bolahin mo ang kuya mong panot!

8: Anong katangian ng kandidato sa pagkapangulo ang ayaw na ayaw mo?
A: ‘Yung dinodoble ang pondo para sa C5 road project
B: ‘Yong na-convict dahil sa pandarambong!
C: ‘Yong dating congressman na isa sa legislative achievements ay ang paghahain ng panukalang batas na naglalayong ideklara as a special non-working holiday ang April 19 ng bawat taon sa lungsod ng Tarlac bilang pagdiriwang ng Tarlac City Day

9: Fertilizer fund scam, NBN ZTE deal, Macapagal Boulevard project, Northrail Project, the Jose Pidal accounts, Le Cirque dinner, Hello Garci controversy. Anu-ano ang mga ito?
A: Malay ko!
B: Absent ako sa school nang ituro ‘yan.
C: Whateverrr!

10: Kung ang bilangan ay kailangang dayain upang sina Gibô at Puno ay papanalunin, papayag ka ba?
A: Anytime!
B: Go! Go! Go! Todo na ‘to mga friends!
C: Sure! Magkano?

—-Hanggang dito na lamang ang mga tanong. Wala nang kasunod.—-

Paalala: Ang sobre ng pasasalamat sa paglahok n’yo sa survey na ito ay inyong matatanggap labinlimang araw matapos maisapubliko sa mga pahayagan, radyo, telebisyon, at Internet ang resulta ng pag-aaral.

Maraming salamat sa inyong oras at laging tandaan, ang inyong ginawa ay para sa ating bayan.

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

___________________
“Desperate maladies require desperate remedies.”
~ French Proverb

LIMERICKS

LIMERICK
Mikey Arroyo’s Millions
A man named Mikey was on TV
He tried to explain why he’s wealthy
“It’s from our sponsors,
And campaign donors!”
Whateverrr! says Mareng Winnie

Mar Roxas’ Political Advertisements
Mar was brave, Mar was decisive
But his TV ads were repulsive
“Ako na iho,
Ramdam ko kayo”
The outburst of disgust was massive.

The Friendship of Mar Roxas and Noynoy Aquino
There were two best friends, Mar and Noynoy
One was pushy, the other was coy
Mar said, “I’m quitting.”
Noy said, “I’m praying.”
People wondered: was that just a ploy?

The Ex-Future First Lady
There was once a woman named Koring
RP’s First Lady in the making
‘Til Mar said “I quit
I’m sorry my sweet”
Then she went berserk and crying.

Ronaldo Puno’s Ambition
There was once a man named Ronaldo
Who fixed poll results for Tabako
These days, he’s got a plan
Next year will be his turn
So be alarmed Noli De Castro!

Ode to Senate’s Richest
There was once a rich man named Manny
Who got linked to a controversy
He denied the charge
He condemned the purge
And told his pups, “Just speak for me.”

The Deputy National Security Adviser
A fellow named Chavit beats his wife
Causing their family much strife
Tortured her lover
Exposed his boner
And claims, he in fact saved her life! (WTF!)

A Senator’s Fatherly Advice
A woman named Kris told her Kuya
Remain single please, for Joshua
Ping Lacson protested:
“Shalani’s educated
And she never had chlamydia!”
_________
“Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.”
~Isaac Newton

‘SENSYA NA… TSAO LANG!

“The ‘servant’ is a sacred term. A Hong Kong government official is a civil servant. We are all servants to God, right? I’m now aware that I’ve crossed the line and I offer my public apology.”
~Chip Tsao’s apology aired over ATV Television Tuesday night

Postscript to a “Chip” Column
Parañaque City Rep. Roilo Golez has challenged HK Magazine columnist Chip Tsao to one round of boxing. His wife calls it “courage.” His supporters call it “nationalism.” I call it publicity.

Interviewed on ATV Television, HK Magazine columnist Chip Tsao apologized for calling the Philippines “a nation of public servants.” Dissatisfied with the apology, the president is sending “super maids” to Hong Kong “to teach” him a lesson.

Remember Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s statement during the NBN-ZTE deal probe that the Chinese invented corruption? Chip Tsao said, “Not true! We did not invent corruption. We invented satire!”

The Filipino consul in Hong Kong revealed that “Luisa”, the Filipina domestic helper identified in Tsao’s column was being treated well in the Tsao household. To give you an idea how well she’s being treated, “Luisa” admitted that she’d rather work for Chip Tsao than work for Princess Revilla.

chip_immig The Bureau of Immigration has ordered airport authorities to prevent Chip Tsao from entering the country, to which the controversial Chinese columnist said, “Duh! Do they even have airplanes there?”

Rumors say Sen. Panfilo Lacson has flown to Hong Kong to hunt down Chip Tsao. He wants to personally thank the columnist for diverting media attention from the Dacer-Corbito murder case.

In Other News hostages1
DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno says the three Red Cross volunteers held hostage by Abu Sayyaf terrorists are still alive. Puno adds government soldiers, with their tanks and mortars have surrounded the Abu Sayyaf lair in Sulu. They’ve also invited Cong. Roilo Golez in case the kidnappers prefer hand to hand combat.

Alma Marries Mayor
Parañaque City councilor Vanessa Lacsamana a.k.a. Alma Moreno wed Marawi City Mayor Fahad Salic in a Muslim rite two Saturdays ago. Alma is now officially the city’s Fourth Lady.

Parañaque City councilor Alma Moreno has married Marawi City Mayor Fahad Salic who, according to reports, has three other women. But that didn’t bother Alma who was previously married to another mayor with twice as many.

glvanannae Annabelle Rama Sued
GMA executive Wilma Galvante has sued talent manager Annabelle Rama for libel. She also asked the court to order the Bureau of Food and Drugs to test Rama’s mouth for salmonella “dahil sobrang dumi ng lumalabas dito.”
________________
“A stiff apology is a second insult. The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.”
~G.K. Chesterton

ETHICAL

NTC vs. ABS-CBN
For airing an interview with wanted MILF leader Kumander Bravo, the National Telecommunications Commission filed a complaint to the KBP against ABS-CBN. The NTC says the network violated the KBP’s Broadcast Code of 2007 particularly the provision that states, “”broadcast facilities shall not be used or allowed to be used for advocating the overthrow of government by force or violence,” and “the broadcast of materials which tend to incite treason, rebellion, sedition or create civil disorder or disturbance is prohibited.” This marks the first time NTC officials filed such a complaint against ABS-CBN… which could only mean one thing: they haven’t actually listened to DZMM’s “Tambalang Failon and Sanchez.”

NTC vs. ABS-CBN II
The NTC filed a complaint to the KBP against ABS-CBN for airing an interview with rogue MILF leader Kumander Bravo who is wanted by the military. But ABS-CBN News head Maria Ressa insists that the Kumander Bravo interview is a legitimate and ethical story and that ABS-CBN will not suspend the airing of his interviews… unless he starts talking about Nadia Montenegro’s love life.

NTC vs. ABS-CBN III
ABS-CBN successfully located and interviewed rogue MILF commander Bravo who has a 10 million-peso bounty on his head and is wanted by the Armed Forces of the Philippines. Outraged military officials who watched the interview vowed to intensify the info gathering and massive manhunt for Bravo in the Lanao Provinces, and soon at the ABS-CBN newsroom.

Meralco’s Power Rate Hike
Amid difficult times, the Lopez-owned Manila Electric Company or Meralco implemented a 36 percent power rate increase. Militant leader Rafael Mariano described the increase as “deceitful.” Cong. Mikey Arroyo believed it was “unjustified.” ABS-CBN News said it was “legitimate and ethical.”

“Euro Generals” Controversy
Retired Philippine National Police director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz underwent normal arrival procedures at the NAIA when he arrived Tuesday. Airport manager Angel Atutubo said De La Paz was not treated as a VIP and not a single marshal was assigned to escort him. Atutubo was understandably being careful… because the last time he escorted someone out of the airport, the La Salle Brothers accused him of kidnapping!

“Euro Generals” Controversy II
This has yet to be confirmed but retired PNP director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz will reportedly bring to the Senate what’s left of the undeclared 6.9 million pesos cash he was caught carrying in Moscow. To be sure it’s the real stuff, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago wanted to hire canines to sniff out the money. But Sen. Panfilo Lacson said there’s no need for a K9 unit… as long as Senators Alan Peter and Joker Arroyo are there.

“Euro Generals” Controversy III
Retired PNP director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz and DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno have conflicting claims with regard to the 6.9 million pesos worth of undeclared cash De La Paz carried while in Russia. De La Paz said the money was a “cash advance” while Puno claimed it was a “contingency” fund. But De La Paz’ wife, Maria Fe who traveled with him to Russia said, “I couldn’t really tell whether it was a cash advance or a contingency fund because when my husband handed me the money, he just said, “Sweetheart, ingatan mo ‘to… pang-shopping!”

Jocjoc to be Deported
US authorities will deport former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante before the end of October. But Bolante’s legal counsel Ira Azulay refused to reveal the exact return date saying, “We’re concerned about his safety.” That’s actually a valid concern… because if he gets “kidnapped” when he arrives at the NAIA, he cannot expect support from the La Salle Brothers. He’s Atenean.

Jocjoc to be Deported 2
Lawyer Harry Roque is all over the news again announcing with certainty that former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante will be deported in 24 hours. I know for a fact that Roque’s a UP professor (and I admire him) but I didn’t know he’s with the US Department of Homeland Security.

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Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
– Plato