OF MANIPULATION & MASTURBATION

BREAKING NEWS: Amid criticisms, President Aquino is finally visiting typhoon-ravaged communities in Central Luzon a week after the onslaught of Typhoon Pedring. Now that’s what I call ‘climate change.’

Suspended
The Department of Public Works and Highways has suspended the “overeager” employee who posted on Facebook a “photoshopped” image of three senior officials while inspecting the damaged Manila Bay seawall. While serving his/her suspension, the unidentified employee is required to take advanced Photoshop tutorials.

The DPWH has sanctioned its employee who posted a manipulated image of three senior officials on Facebook. To get even, the embarrassed officials requested that the erring employee be placed on ‘floating’ status.


Malacañang is thanking Filipino netizens for their vigilance. They just foiled what could have been the first “ghost project” under the Aquino administration. Good work!

The “overeager” DPWH employee who posted a “photoshopped” image of three senior officials on Facebook had been suspended. Worse, his Facebook friends have “Unliked” his personal photos they previously “Liked.”

Masturbation
A Filipino lawmaker is condemning masturbation saying it’s “the same thing as using a condom” and it interferes with the “natural process” of procreation. The lawmaker was identified as Pope Juan Ponce Enrile.

Senator Enrile says self-pleasure is the same thing as using a condom, a form of contraceptive that was first used in the Middle Ages some 12 thousand to 15 thousand years ago… when Enrile was still a toddler.

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is condemning self-pleasure. But that’s not surprising. When Manong Johnny was a teenage boy, the concept of masturbation had yet to be invented.

Apparently, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is against masturbation because it aborts life. Well, had he opposed the staging of a fake ambush in 1972, he would have saved many lives then.

Nothing much has changed. The Enrile of the Martial Law years and the Enrile of today – still trampling basic human rights.


During the recent Senate plenary debate on the Reproductive Health Bill, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile stated that pleasuring oneself “is the same thing as using a condom.” Enrile’s pronouncement has prompted the Sangguniang Barangay of. Ayala Alabang Village to require its residents to get a doctor’s permit before they are allowed to masturbate.

This just in: Because of Senator Enrile’s views on self-gratification, Quezon City Councilor Winnie Castelo is reportedly filing an Anti-Masturbation Act of 2011.

Regardless of his controversial pronouncement, I still believe that Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is opposed to masturbation in the same way Mike Arroyo is opposed to corruption.

Question: What do you call a dramatic movie in which the lead actor, an 87-year-old politician was forced to masturbate against his will?
Answer: A tearjerker
———————————————————————–
“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.”
~George Carlin

Quote of the Week
“This is big damage for me. We became the center of attention. Our picture was played with. We even found ourselves in the Last Supper.”
~ DPWH Undersecretary Romeo Momo, one of the three senior officials in the controversial ‘photoshopped’ image

Supermania
A Superman fanatic named Herbert Chavez repeatedly went under the knife to look like the famous superhero. Unfortunately, the transformation would never be complete. While he sort of looked like the ‘man of steel,’ he spoke like Lois Lane.

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Obey God.
Procreate.
Do NOT masturbate.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

(Photo Credit: Moon landing pic was tweeted by one of my followers.)

KRISSY/MANNY

“HELLO THERE! I’m baaaaack! Gosh ‘di na ‘ko sanay! More than one year din kasi akong natengga ‘di ba? Remember, I left ‘The Buzz’ before the 2010 elections. Feeling ko tuloy, talunang Liberal Party candidate ako. Oooops, how mean of me to say that! Ayaw ni Ate Koring ng ganyan! Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, na-miss ko ‘to! Shobra! Kasi naman, ‘yong ‘The Price Is Right,’ parang wala lang ‘di ba? Hindi pa nag-rate. Aha-ha-ha. At least, honest ako! Promise, hindi talaga siya nag-rate!

Anyway, babalik na po ang Today With Kris soon! It will be called “KrisTV.” In fairness to me huh, ‘yong mga morning talk shows sa kabila, nawala nang lahat pero ako pabalik pa lang. Winner ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha!

Before I introduce my special guest sa mock episode na ito ng ‘Today With Kris,’ gusto ko lang kumpirmahin sa mga followers ko sa Twitter… yup, my brother is dating again. And yes, I know the girl! Hay naku! The Inquirer kasi was so kulit so I was compelled to make kwento. The girl is Bunny Calica. Gosh, sorry Noy. Here I go again. ‘Di bale, promise last na daldal ko na ‘to. Basta, they’re dating and my sons Bimby and Josh have met her na in Malacañang when I made iwan the kids to Noy. She’s so pretty in fairness. I love her na – as of press time! Aha-ha-ha. But you know what? Magaling siya. Magaling siyang yaya. Aha-ha-ha I’m just kidding.  Love, love, love! Baka mamisinterpret na naman ako. Alam mo na! ‘Yon lang muna. Okay? Enough na! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Noy. Move on na tayo mga Kapamilya!

Just like everyone else, super excited po ako sa una nating guest! Naloloka ako sa dami ng issues sa kanya! Did you hear what he said the other day? “Go to the world and multiply!” Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko siya kinaya! Go to the world talaga??? Where in the world? Aha-ha-ha! I’m sure excited na kayong lahat na makita siya! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… the 2-timing, 8-time world champion, Sarangani Representative Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao!”


Manny Pacquiao (MP): Maraming salamat Kris! Salamat po sa inyong lahat. Maraming maraming salamat. Think you. Think you.
Kris Aquino: Grabehhh, opening line mo pa lang, napaisip talaga ako! Think ako nang think! Aha-ha-ha! Kaloka ka! Anyway, mabuti naman at pinayagan ka ng kabila na mag-guest dito sa ABS-CBN Congressman.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Di naman nila alam. Kaya pag napanood nila itu, tiyak kasu ang aabutin mu! Hihihi Juks lang.
Kris: In fairness, hindi ka amusing.
MP: Uki lang! ‘Di ko naman alam kung ano ‘yong amusing. Hihihi Juks lang!

Kris: Hay naku Congressman, puro ka biro. Let’s go straight na nga lang sa mga issues! RH Bill. Bakit ayaw mo sa RH Bill?
MP: Siyimpri.
Kris: What?
MP: Ayaw ni Miyor Atienza eh. So ayaw ku rin.

Kris: Nabanggit mo sa TV interviews na labag sa kautusan ng Diyos ang RH Bill??? Is that so?
MP: Oo, is that so.
Kris: May sinabi bang gano’n si Lord?
MP: Uu naman. Kasi, sabi ng Mahal na Panginuun sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Bakit? Sinabi ba ng Panginuun na “Go to the world and RH Bill?” Wala naman ‘di ba?
Kris: May point ka! Aha-ha-ha
MP: Is that so? Hihihi

Kris: Sa isang interview noon kay Jinkee, inamin niyang gumamit siya ng pills para ‘di mabuntis. Si Jinkee ba, pro- o anti-RH Bill?
MP: Anti-RH si Jinkee.
Kris: Ano ba ‘yong RH? Rhanillo? Rhufamae? Rhamina? Aha-ha-ha! Joke lang!
MP: You’re not a muse sing! ‘Di ba nakatatlong lalaki ka rin naman?
Kris: Excuuuuuuuse me! Isa lang ang pinakasalan ko.
MP: Eh panu, kasal pa sina Feelip at Joey noong maging boylits mu. Hihihi

Kris: You know what? Nakakainis ka! Balik na nga lang tayo sa isyu. Have you ever used a condom?
MP: Ay hindi. Ayuku ng cundum. Walang fillings.
Kris: Are you sure? Never ka pang gumamit ng condom kahit sa ibang babae?
MP: Sekkkkrit, walang clue. Hihihi

Kris: What do you think of sex education?
MP: No. I don’t think of six education.
Kris: Ohhhh-kay.

Kris: Nag-threaten ang ilang anti-RH Bill groups na ‘di sila magbabayad ng tax once the RH Bill is approved. Susuportahan mo ba ang panawagan nila?
MP: Hindi! Madaya naman ‘yon. Ang laki-laki ng tax na ibinibigay ko ‘tapos sila hindi magbabayad? Wala sa Bible ‘yon!

Kris: Sabi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, stick to boxing and do not meddle with the RH Bill issue. Any reaction?
MP: Niririspito natin ang mahal na sinadura piro sana, maintindihan n’ya na wala naman ako sa meddle. Nasa tabi nga lang ako at nakikinig. Mali man siya.
Kris: Hinahamon ka rin niya ng suntukan.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Wag lang Inglisan. Baka ma-knock out tayo dun. Hihihi

Kris: Iwan na natin ang RH Bill dahil medyo mabigat na usapin ‘yan. Let’s talk about Jinkee. Ibang-iba na raw ang hitsura niya? Ano bang secret beauty regimen niya?
MP: Ano ba ‘yong regimen? Puwidi, mag-Tagalog na lang tayo Kris kasi nasa Pilipinas naman tayo?
Kris: Aray ko! Kasi naman ‘yung mga writers ng show, English ang nasa cue card! Na-lektyuran tuloy ako! Aha-ha-ha Ganito na lang: ano ang sikreto ng kagandahan ni Jinkee?
MP: Siyimpre babai.
Kris: Babae? What do you mean?
MP: Ganitu kasi ‘yan Kris. Kapag may tsismis na may babai aku, wala ‘yang ginawa kundi mag-Bilo. Bilo siya nang Bilo. Hanggang nabago na ang mukha niya at kamukha na nga siya ni Kristine Hirmusa. Kaya ‘yun tinigil ku na ang pambababai ku. Mautak din ang asawa ku ‘di ba?


Kris: Alam ng lahat Manny na noong nakaraang eleksyon, magkaiba tayo ng sinuportahan sa pagka-presidente. Inaway pa nga kita sa Twitter ‘di ba? Gosh, nagba-blush ka!
MP: Eh kasi, passed is passed. ‘Wag na nating ungkatin ‘yon.
Kris: Hindeee kasi gusto ko lang itanong sa ‘yo: nagsisisi ka ba sa pagsuporta mo sa talunang kandidato?
MP: Alam mo Kris, wala man akung pinagsisihan sa mga ginawa ku. Piro kung tatanungin mu aku kung tama ba ang nanalung kandidatu… taumbayan na lang ang huhusga. Piro sa akin, ang importante magkaisa tayu, magtulungan tayo para mawala ang kahirapan.
Kris: May tama ka! If you would allow me please Congressman, I’d like to take this opportunity para magpahatid ng mensahe sa mga naninira kay Noy dahil mababa daw ang ratings niya. Well… inggit lang kayo dahil never n’yong naabot ang 80 plus percent na approval and trust rating ng kapatid ko. ‘Yon lang! And pleaaaaaaaase! Alisin ang inggit sa katawan, okay?

Kris: Before we end, we’ll have a game. Siyempre, isa lang naman ang paboritong laro ng bayan ‘di ba? I’m sorry Tita Cory Vidanes pero I must say this. Hangga’t may ‘Pinoy Henyo’ ang ‘Eat Bulaga,’ hindi ito matatalo ng ‘Happy Yipee Yahoo…’ or something like that. Sorry talaga! Mariel, Pokey, friends ko kayo pero tanggapin natin, ‘Eat Bulaga’ is ‘Eat Bulaga!’
MP: And Anna Dezon is Anna Dezon!
Kris: Nakakaloka ka Congressman! Aha-ha-ha Kilala mo rin si Anna Dizon?
MP: Hindi. Piro lagi kung naririnig ‘yang linyang ‘yan. Tika, anu bang game?
Kris: Ayyyyy! Not listening. We’ll do Pinoy Henyo nga. Huhulaan mo ang isang word or phrase by asking Yes, No, or Puwede questions. Audience and everyone at home, the Henyo Word is (word appears on television screen): “Condom.” Kayo lang ang nakakaalam. Si Pacman, hindi. So Manny… we have 2 minutes. Go!

Manny: Tao ba ‘to?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Bagay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Makulay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Rainbow?
Kris: Hindeeee!

Manny: Kinakain?
Kris: Ahmmm… ‘di ko pa na-try. Gosh! Gusto kong mag-blush!

Manny: Anu ba talaga? Ang gulu mu! Kinakain ba?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Isinusuot?
Kris: Kurek!

Manny: Sa taas?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Sa gitna?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Brief!???
Kris: Puwede!

Manny: Puwiding brief? Ahm.. boxer?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Boxers?
Kris: Sabi nang hindi!

Manny: Suot ko ngayon?
Kris: Hindi ko alam! Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Malaki ba ‘to?
Kris: Depende!

Manny: Kung isusuot ko ba, kakasya ang large sa akin?
Kris: Gosh! Naloloka na ako! Hindi ko sure! Aha-ha-ha!

Manny: Matigas?
Kris: I swear, hindi ko kinakaya ‘to! Naalala kong bigla si James. Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Isinusuot mo ba ‘to kay James?
Kris: Touch lang. Pero suot? Noooooo!

Manny: Masarap ba ‘yon?
Kris: Sometimes.

Manny: Sometimes when you touch? Hihihi Nako, ang hirap naman.
Kris: Sige na! Guess ka pa! 10 seconds to go.

Manny: Ayoko na! Pastilan!
Kris: Ay.. kainizzz. Siret ka na?
Manny: Ano bang sagot? Baka Inglis ‘yan huh.
Kris: You almost got it eh! Sayang. It’s a condom. Sorry. You won nothing. Awwhhhhh.
Manny: Ngik! Kaya pala ‘di ku alam eh. Cundum pala. Wala naman sa Bible ‘yan. Sus!

Manny: Puwidi na lang bumati?
Kris: Sure!
Manny: Unang-una sa lahat maraming salamat sa Panginuun, ‘tapos sa mga fans at sa mga kababayan nating walang sawang sumupurta sa akin. Kung wala kayo, wala si Manny Pacquiao kaya think you. Salamat din sa supurta nina Atty. Felipe Gozon, Mr. Jimmy Duavit…
Kris: Oh my God! I think we need to pause for a break…
Manny: Kunti na lang. ‘Wag n’yu pung kalimutan Shumi Damani tuwing Linggo pagkatapos ng…
Kris: I’m so dead. Enough na talaga!
Manny: Pagkatapos ng Kap’s Amazing Stories! ‘Tapos nasa ‘Party Pilipinas’ ako sa Linggo. Maraming salamat! Maraming maraming salamat.
Kris: I’m sorry Ma’am Charo! Mga Kapamilya… ganyan po talaga kapag live show. You’ll never know kung anong mangyayari! Despite that, any final message Congressman?


Manny: Katulad nga pu ng sabi sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Huwag po nating suwayin ang utus ng Panginoon. Hindi po sinabi ng Diyos na ikuntrul ang anak sa dalawa. Wala po ‘yun sa Bible. Kaya Kris, sundan mo na sina Bimby at Jushua!
Kris: Idinamay pa talaga ako? Iba ka talaga Manny! Ayoko nang manganak ‘no! Expensive at masakit magpa-lipo!
Manny: Lipo? Naku masama talaga ‘yan.
Kris: Why? Naranasan mo nang magpa-lipo?
Manny: Hindi! Nasa Bible ba ‘yan!

-End of Interview-
—————————————————–
“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”
~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935

You Have Spoken
Ano ang stand mo sa nakabinbing RH Bill sa Kongreso?
Ipasa! 81.26%
– Ibasura! 10.3%
– Pag-aaralan ko muna. 8.43%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: PNoy’s new date?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: MVP in the NBA

The New York Times: In Philippine Newsrooms, the Women Rule

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay away from trouble. Be safe!

LEAKS


New Date?
Reports say President Aquino dated a new girl at Rockwell Center in Makati City very recently. The new date was identified as Len Lopez, a stockbroker – not to be confused with Liz Uy, the heartbreaker.

A tabloid columnist criticized Ballsy Aquino-Cruz for her frequent TV interviews on President Aquino’s love life. Apparently, the tabloid writer was not aware that Ballsy’s the head of the “search” committee.


Wikileaks
I’m sure you’ve heard about Wikileaks. When President Aquino first heard about it, he was like, “Let’s not waste time! Go ask those UP experts to find the leaks.”

Not everyone has read or heard about Wikileaks. For instance, when President Aquino first heard about the controversial leaks, he got so concerned he told his legal team to immediately ask the Supreme Court to issue a writ of kalikasan.

When finally told about the Wikileaks background, President Aquino expressed concern over the release of thousands of documents online. The President has expressed even more concern when his secret Rockwell date became public.

Wikileaks has uploaded thousands of classified documents on its website including some 1,796 diplomatic cables from the US Embassy in Manila. President Aquino has reportedly expressed concern over the leaks. Presidential Communications Secretary Herminio Coloma said if the documents were uploaded on Facebook, it would have been much easier to shut it down.

WikiLeaks is a website that gathers information that are not so supposed to be made public, and yet, they release it online so the whole world could read it. The Philippine Daily Inquirer has a term for that: socialite.

The Lacson Case
Fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson releases a statement saying he’d surrender only if the government drops the case against him. But the government says Lacson is not in a position to make such demands… unless he’s inside a bus with dozens of Hong Kong tourists.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has given an NBI elite team an ultimatum to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson. If they fail, De Lima will just seek the help of UP experts to “find” the senator.

On Thursday, fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson released a statement saying he’d rather die than surrender to authorities. This just in: Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has just rejected Erwin Tulfo’s offer to negotiate.

At press time, fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson has yet to surface. Who the hell does Lacson think he is, the grand lotto winner?


Call Center Leader
The Philippines has reportedly overtaken India as the world’s call center capital. Sought for reaction, a call center agent said, “Ov course, ‘yan ey meygandahng baleetah. Good for uz, you know!”

Reports say the Philippines has overtaken India in terms of number of call center employees this year… which automatically makes the Philippines No. 1 in terms of stress-related illnesses.
——————————
“A small leak can sink a great ship.”
~Benjamin Franklin

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang may kakambal na kamalasan ang pagtama ng multi-milyong pisong jackpot sa lotto?
– Oo! Mamalasin sa buhay ang winner. 9.51%
– Hindi. Nasa diskarte na ‘yan ng nanalo. 83.29%
– Hmmm, minsan naniniwala, minsan hindi. 7.2%

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Briefly Noted
Former Vice President Noli De Castro’s opening line, TV Patrol (Thursday, Dec. 2):
“Magandang gabi bayan! Hinostage ng isang lalaki at pinagsasaksak ng labingwalong beses ang kanyang live-in partner…” Wow, magandang gabi nga!

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For a regular dose of insanity, follow me on Twitter. Don’t be afraid. I’m not gonna tweet anything that will compromise your security. Peace! Enjoy your weekend! And thank you for always keeping me company online.

JACKPOT


Lone Winner
According to the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office, a lone bettor has won the P741-M jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto draw Monday night. The winning bet was placed at a lotto outlet inside the Subic Bay Free Port Zone… fueling speculations that Mike Arroyo has relocated to Olongapo City.

A couple of weeks back, while a lot of people prayed to God to win the lottery, Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz declared on radio and TV, “Ipagdarasal ko sa Panginoon na sana ay walang tumama sa Grand Lotto.” Well, guess who got snubbed.

Rizal & Lottery The PCSO says our national hero, Jose Rizal actually won the loteria (Spanish word for lottery) in 1892 while he was on exile in Dapitan, Zamboanga del Norte. Rizal religiously placed bets on the loteria… despite threats from Spanish friars they would pray hard so he wouldn’t win the jackpot.

According to the PCSO, Jose Rizal won P6,200 in a lotto draw in 1892. News of his win spread like wildfire on Facebook, and Rizal’s name became the top trending topic on Twitter.

Top 5 “Dear Lotto Winner’ Statements

No. 5: Dear Lotto Winner: Ang swerte mo! Syet ka!

No. 4: Dear Lotto Winner: Sabi ni Archbishop Oscar Cruz, makabubuti raw na dalhin mo na ang buong pamilya mo abroad. You’ll end up a loser din daw dahil magkakaroon ka ng iba’t ibang problema. Gusto kong malaman ang opinyon mo: bakit kaya sobrang bitter ng paring ito?

No. 3: Dear Lotto Winner: Kung ikaw si Liz Uy, sasagutin mo ba ang presidente? Kung oo, are you nuts? Wala lang.

No. 2: Dear Lotto Winner: Taga-Pampanga ka ‘no!? Aminiiiiiin!

And the No. 1 “Dear Lotto Winner’ statement…

Dear Lotto Winner:
Sana totoo ka.
Sana hindi kami binobola ng PCSO.

This just in! There’s no truth to rumors that the PCSO has released – for the first time in lotto’s history – the photo of the jackpot prize winner. Right click here for the alleged picture of the winner. Again, not true.

Finding Lacson
The Philippine National Police has proposed a P2-million reward for information leading to the arrest of fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson. To lure informants, a million peso will be added to the total reward money every week.

The PNP wants to put up a P2-million reward for information leading to the arrest of fugitive Senator Panfilo Lacson. However, Lacson’s spiritual adviser Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz is praying that no one gets the reward.

Pulse Asia Survey
According to Pulse Asia, 69 percent of Filipinos support the Reproductive Health bill. Catholic bishops described the figure as scandalous.

The latest survey showed that 7 of 10 Filipinos support the RH bill. The other three were afraid of excommunication.

In the October 20 to 29 Pulse Asia survey, 69 percent of Filipinos expressed support for the Reproductive Health bill while only 7 percent went against it. Catholic Bishops were enraged when they learned that the remaining 24 percent went for Vetellano Acosta.

Results of the latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 69 percent of Filipinos were in favor of the RH bill while a mere 7 percent went against it. The remaining 24 percent, according to Catholic bishops – were in purgatory.

SWS Survey
In the September 24 to 27 survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima got a satisfaction rating of 54 percent. The other 30 percent didn’t give her a rating, while 16 percent were dissatisfied – all of them, APO members.


You know who else feels like a lotto winner these days?
Gerardo Biong, the Parañaque cop convicted in the grisly Vizconde massacre in 1991 was released from prison Tuesday. Before he left his cell, Biong burnt some blankets, bed sheets, clothes, and other pieces of evidence of his incarceration.

De Lima vs. De La Fuente
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has ordered the indictment of bus operator Claire De La Fuente for failing to remit to the Bureau of Internal Revenue some P148 million in taxes from 1997 to 2004. De La Fuente denied she defrauded the government, and said, “Nagkataon lang na sunud-sunod ang mga years na ‘di kami nakabayad. Pero, hindi sinadya ‘yon.”

ECE Board Exam
At least 15 Electronics and Communications Engineering graduates in the Visayas and Mindanao claimed there had been a leak in the recent board exam in Cebu. The Professional Regulation Commission vowed to investigate the matter even as the Presidential Communications Group denied it was the source of the leak. ———————————
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
– Woody Allen

Survey Says
Dapat bang limitahan sa PhP500-M ang jackpot sa lotto?
– OO! 19.83%
– HINDI! Hayaang lumaki! 62.47%
– Wala akong pakialam. ‘Di ako tumataya sa lotto 17.7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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BUMPER STICKERS, ANYONE?

Twenty Anti-Church & Pro-RH Bill Bumper Stickers

Limit the copulation,
Save the population.

I used to hate the president.
Until he fought with the bishops.

If the love of money is the root of all evil,
why do churches beg for it?

Excommunicate?!? Us?
Gee, thanks.

Condoms and Clerical Celibacy:
Both prevent procreation.

Dahil d’yan, may nag-teeexxxxt:
“Tigilan n’yo na ang panggagamit sa aking pangalan. – Jesus”

Excommunication and civil disobedience.
In short, blackmail.

Yup! Nagbabayad ako ng buwis sa pamahalaan
Anong akala n’yo sa akin, simbahan?

Caution: Carlos Celdran on board.

Jesus and I have something in common.
We were not born Catholic.

Lintik lang ang walang ganti:
Tara, mang-molestiya tayo ng pari.

Filipino bishops do not grow old.
They remain in the middle ages.

God created man.
Man created condoms.
Therefore…

Katawan ko, kargo ko.
Anong problema mo?!

Stop lecturing me on sex… virgins!

Charlotte.
The only Church I listen to.

DILG + PNP = Jueteng
Jueteng Money + Hypocrisy = Bagong Simbahan

Eat. Prey. Love.
Pre-pubescent boys.

If being pro-RH bill is evil…
see you all in hell!

Hindi kami makikialam sa inyong relihiyon.
Huwag n’yo lang pakialaman ang aming konstitusyon!

———————–
“Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.”
~Lenny Bruce

Survey Says…
Anong grado ang ibibigay mo sa Aquino administration sa unang isandaang araw nito sa pamamahala?
– Pasado! 16.99%
– Pwede na. 33.98%
– Bagsak! 49.03%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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EXCOMMUNICATION

BREAKING NEWS: Malacañang has denied rumors that President Aquino has abandoned Roman Catholicism for another religion. Likewise, palace sources insist there’s no truth to rumors that the President is forming his own ministry called, “Ang Tuwid na Daan.”


The CBCP’s Threat
Interviewed on Radio Veritas, CBCP president and Tandag, Surigao del Sur Bishop Nereo Odchimar said the Catholic Church might excommunicate President Aquino if the government pushed through with a plan to distribute contraceptives. In the same interview, Bishop Odchimar appealed to Andres Bonifacio and the Katipuneros to surrender to the Spanish government.

The CBCP’s Threat II
Malacañang is reportedly unfazed by CBCP president Nereo Odchimar’s excommunication threat. Palace insiders say President Aquino will neither bow to nor be cowed by the CBCP president… unless he’s Chinese.

This just in!
CBCP president Bishop Nereo Odchimar has denied saying that President Aquino may be excommunicated. He insisted that his statement was “taken out of context” and “blown out of proportion” by the media. “Taken out of context” and “Blown out of proportion” – Hmm, is Odchimar a member of the CBCP or the Presidential Communications Group?


Heckling Tour Guide
Social activist/Manila tour guide and Reproductive Health Bill advocate Carlos Celdran was arrested and detained Thursday for disrupting a mass at the Manila Cathedral. Dressed in a Jose Rizal-inspired outfit, Celdran stood in front of the altar, flashed a sign that read, “Damaso,” and shouted, “Stop getting involved in politics” in protest of the Church’ anti-RH Bill stance. Celdran was detained for almost 24 at the Manila Police District Station 5 in Ermita during which he started to write two novels.

Reports say Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim together with some soldiers, and policemen were attending mass at the Manila Cathedral when Carlos Celdran staged a solo protest action Thursday. Interviewed by GMA News, the police said it was Mayor Lim who ordered that Celdran be taken into custody. Lim is expected to deny that.

Manila tour guide Carlos Celdran was detained for disrupting a mass at the Manila Cathedral Thursday. The visibly upset priest decided to cut short the mass… and ordered Basilio and Crispin to usher Celdran out of the cathedral.

Light Bites: Modern Dictionary
Ex.Communication, noun: Term that may be used to describe Secretaries Herminio Coloma, Ricky Carandang and Atty. Edwin Lacierda if they don’t get their act together
Example: Uy, ex.communication group head na pala si blah-blah! Kailan pa?

The IIRC Report: Reviewed
Malacañang says Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa and Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Eduardo de Mesa have finished reviewing the IIRC report on the August 23 hostage crisis. Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda says the results of the review will be posted at http://www.gov.ph. It will be uploaded five hours after it appears on www.gov.cn.

Miriam vs. Chavit
There’s an ongoing war between Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Ilocos Sur Governor Luis “Chavit’ Singson. The rift surprises a number of people mainly because neither Miriam nor Chavit belongs to either the Balay or the Samar Group.


On her Twitter account, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago called Ilocos Sur Governor Luis Singson, “Sabit Singson.” Singson retaliated by calling Santiago, “Brenda” on his Friendster shoutout.

Splitsville?
Persistent rumors say President Aquino and his girlfriend have called it quits. Observers believe the President would have not quit on the girl if her name was “Smoking.”

President Aquino and his girlfriend reportedly broke up. And Enrico Puno was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Rumors say the President and his girlfriend have separated. And Kris Aquino was like, “Win na Win!”

No to Smoking
Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad has endorsed the Philippine Medical Association’s new smoking ban policy. And people were like, “Ahh, break na nga!”

In Entertainment
An amended petition filed by the lawyers of Kris Aquino claims the TV host and James Yap both have “personality disorders” since their youth. And I was like, is that even news?
———————————-
“That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion”

~ REM, Losing My Religion

Survey Says
Sa isyu ng impeachment case laban kay Ombudsman Gutierrez, ano ang dapat gawin ng Kongreso:
– ITULOY ang pagdinig kahit labag sa order ng Supreme Court! 40.7%
– SUNDIN ang status quo ante order ng Korte para walang gulo. 47.98%
– Hindi ko alam ang isyu. 11.32%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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BECAUSE THE BABY IS NOW A DADDY

babydad Thirteen-Year-Old Dad
Of course you’ve heard about Alfie Patten, the 13-year-old British boy who became a father at age 13. Rumors say the CBCP is inviting him to the Philippines to become the Church’ spokesperson against the Reproductive Health Bill.

First, there was the octuplets mom. And now, we have this 13-year-old daddy. The Catholic Church is on a winning streak!

Everyone’s talking about Alfie Patten, the baby-faced boy from Great Britain who became a father at 13. His parents admit he cannot raise the child on his own. When the shocking news circulated around the globe, some famous personalities couldn’t help but react. Angelina Jolie said she wanted to adopt the baby. Madonna said she wanted to adopt the baby. Vicki Belo said she wanted to adopt Alfie. Awrr!

Have you heard the news? Great Britain has just officially declared recession. It’s economy is so bad little Alfie couldn’t even buy a condom!

babydadtwo Here’s a photo of 13-year-old Alfie Patten with his new baby Maisie. The girl in black is the baby’s mother Chantelle otherwise known in Great Britain as “Demi Moore.”

Bacani vs. Durex
Retired Novaliches bishop Teodoro Bacani Jr. scored condom maker Durex for its publicity gimmick to recruit “condom testers” by offering them cash prizes. Bacani is angry at Durex because the first time he secretly joined the contest, no cash reward was given.

mp Metro Pacific & Hospitals
In 2007, Manny Pangilinan and his Metro Pacific Group took over Makati Medical Center. Then yesterday, it was reported that Metro Pacific was taking over Cardinal Santos Medical Center. Heard about the latest development today? Corrupt Ateneans with heart ailments are taking over St. Luke’s Medical Center.

Chris Brown Apologizes
Following his arrest last week for assault and making a criminal threat, R&B singing sensation Chris Brown said he was “sorry and saddened” by what happened. Until now however, the identity of the alleged victim has not been made public… although political observers are certain he or she does not belong to the De La Paz family. Otherwise, a first hand account of the incident would have been circulated on the Internet.

Senator JDV?
Former House Speaker Jose De Venecia said he would run for the Senate in 2010 if it would help propagate his “advocacy to fight corruption and poverty.” And that ladies and gentlemen is the funniest item in today’s blog post. No punchline needed.

Elsewhere…
Caught on tape: Woman misses flight at a Hong Kong airport, she goes into hysterics
_________
“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
~Matt Barry

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN PHILIPPINE POLITICS

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A WEEK AFTER the February 2006 standoff at the Marines headquarters in Fort Bonifacio and the succeeding raid at the Daily Tribune office, I came up with a list of 20+ things I learned from those recent events in Philippine politics. The Philippine Daily Inquirer published the list albeit trimmed to 18, while People’s Journal (lifting the same list from the PDI) printed it as an editorial the next day.

Home alone on a quiet All Souls Day, I opted to create a rather serious post today. Enjoy reading, and let’s continue heckling this week!

Some of the things I’ve learned from recent events in politics and government:

You are poor. You are a suspected thief. You get locked up.
You are rich. You are a suspected thief. You get a check up.

A contingency fund, a cash advance, and an intelligence fund. They are one and the same.

If you’re a police general and you couldn’t attend an Interpol conference abroad, send your wife instead.

Catholic bishops and nuns – the staunchest critics of the proposed bill to curb population explosion do not actually contribute to population growth.

Impeachment is a numbers game. Winners usually take home a seven–figure jackpot.

History tells us that it takes decades to build states and nations. Today, it only takes a MOA to create one.

When an economic adviser calls her president a “bitch,” something is wrong with the adviser. If he doesn’t get fired, something is wrong with the president.

Double budget insertions are perfectly legal. Unless discovered.

The surest way to get appointed in a government post is to lose in a national election.

When an executive clemency is granted shortly before midnight on a Friday, better check on the list of convicts to be released. You might be in for a surprise.

Relatives of murder victims who oppose the granting of an executive clemency to a murder convict must learn how to swim first before they appeal their case to the Justice secretary..

There are only two genuine groups of oppositionists in the country: the Communist Party of the Philippines, and ABS-CBN.

And thanks to the Commission on Human Rights, I have learned that when a suspected NPA or Moro rebel is tortured, that’s human rights violation. When a government soldier is killed by the suspected NPA or Moro rebel, that’s life.

Have a great week ahead!

Elsewhere…
Did Luchi Cruz-Valdez resign from ABS-CBN?
__________
Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment..
Edwin Percy Whipple

TOXIC


Melamine and the Senate
After lab tests showed they were free of melamine, 28 dairy products were cleared by the Department of Health. Nope, there’s no truth to the rumor Senate President Manuel Villar was a dairy product… although he’s been cleared.

Toxic Cosmetics? null null
Three congressmen – Luis Villafuerte, Martin Romualdez, and Aurelio Gonzales have alerted the BFAD over the possibility that cosmetic products in the country — not just milk ingredients from China — might also contain toxic substances. The congressmen sounded the alarm upon seeing the photos of Vicki Belo, Tingting Cojuangco, and Imelda Cojuangco in the society pages of a newspaper.

History of HIV/AIDS null
A new study has revealed that the AIDS virus has been circulating among people for about 100 years, decades longer than scientists had thought. When they heard the news, the Chinese people chorused, “O, don’t look at us!”

Salvaged Chemicals
Reports say a total of 402 barrels of endosulfan have been salvaged from the capsized MV Princess of the Stars. When ex-president Joseph Estrada heard this, he said, “Malakas ang kutob ko, involved si Lacson d’yan!”

Cristy vs. Nadia null
Gossip columnist and libel convict Cristy Fermin dropped a bombshell on The Buzz today: She said retired actress Nadia Montenegro has another daughter, but her husband, former Kalookan City mayor Boy Asistio is not the father. Panfilo Lacson and Jamby Madrigal are reportedly filing a Senate resolution to investigate the matter.

Cristy Fermin vs. Nadia Montenegro II
Gossip columnist and libel convict Cristy Fermin has revealed that Nadia Montenegro gave birth not only to five children as she has claimed but to six kids. The Asistios called it a shame. Showbiz columnists described it as a shocker. The Catholic Church wants Nadia to be their spokesperson against the Reproductive Health Bill.

Cristy Fermin vs. Nadia Montenegro III
In an ongoing online survey, the Philippine Entertainment Portal asked, “Sino ang mas pinapaniwalaan mo, si Cristy o si Nadia?” As of 11:30PM Monday, 61% answered Nadia; 14% answered Cristy and the rest said, Lacson.

null Chris Tiu Hates Porn
Interviewed by entertainment editor Ricky Lo, Ateneo Blue Eagle hotshot and TV host Christ Tiu revealed that he has never seen a pornographic movie saying, “Nasusuka talaga ako sa mga gano’n.” He also told Ricky Lo that one time, when his friends watched porn, he just ran away. The title of the movie: “La Salle Scandal.”

Chris Tiu Hates Porn II
In an interview published October 5 in the Philippine Star, Ateneo Blue Eagle star and TV host Chris Tiu revealed that he has not seen porn and does not intend to see one. The college heartthrob explained, “Nasusuka ako sa mga ganoon,” to which priests from Ateneo said, “Talaga? Bakit naman kami hindi?”

null Chris Tiu Hates Porn III null
Asked by entertainment columnist Ricky Lo if he has seen a pornographic movie, Ateneo hotshot and TV host Chris Tiu said, “Never. Nasusuka ako sa gano’n.” Ricky Lo agreed.

__________
Hypocrisy is a fashionable vice, and all fashionable vices pass for virtue.
– Moliere

CONDUCT UNBECOMING

Bribery and the Court of Appeals
The Supreme Court dismissed Court of Appeals Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas for violating the Judicial Code of Conduct in connection with the bribery scandal involving the Manila Electric Company. Roxas was a bit saddened by the decision but was nonetheless thankful that finally, he’ll have plenty of time to spend the millions of pesos he received from the power firm.

Bribery and the Court of Appeals II
In connection with the bribery scandal at the Court of Appeals, the Supreme Court has dismissed Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas, to whom Meralco said, “O, wag nang manisi. Bayad ka na!”

Bribery and the Court of Appeals III
Associate Justice Jose Sabio, the original whistleblower in the Meralco bribery scandal, was found guilty of simple misconduct and conduct unbecoming of a justice of the Court of Appeals. He was suspended for two months without pay. Again, that’s without pay. Sabio has just sent a text message to businessman Francis De Borja saying any amount that he’ll offer will now be accepted.

Bribery and the Court of Appeals IV
In connection with the Meralco bribery scandal at the Court Appeals, Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas was dismissed; Associate Justice Jose Sabio was suspended; Presiding Justice Conrado Vasquez was severely reprimanded; Associate Justice Bienvenido Reyes was reprimanded, and Associate Justice Myrna Dimaranan-Vidal was admonished. Hats off to Meralco for successfully corrupting the judiciary!

In Other News…
All priests in the 91 parishes of San Fernando City, Pampanga vowed to help gather 1 million signatures against the Reproductive Health (RH) Bill. In fact, several couples have already expressed support for the anti-RH campaign. They just couldn’t sign right now because they’re having an orgy.

Of the Reproductive Health Bill, San Fernando Archbishop Paciano Aniceto said, “Let’s fight the culture of death. Let’s fight the anti-life conspiracy.” That statement was released 10 minutes after Archbishop Aniceto finished watching X-Files 2.

Top 5 Suggested Slogans Rejected by the Archdiocese of San Fernando for the Anti-RH Bill Campaign

5: Sa ikauunlad ng bayan, maraming bata ang kailangan!

4: Ang Utos ni Yahweh: Humiga at Magparami

3: Isang Milyong Lagda Para sa Isang Milyong Bata

2: Dare to Bare: No to Condom!

And the number 1 suggested slogan rejected by the Archdiocese of San Fernando for their anti-RH Bill campaign…

1: Sign Up for Sex!

Chavit’s Appointment
Chavit Singson has been appointed as deputy National Security Adviser… mainly because his bodyguards and escorts have already outnumbered the police force in the entire Luzon.

MV Princess of the Stars’ Captain
The Regional Disaster Coordinating Council in Central Visayas has confirmed that the missing captain of the ill-fated MV Princess of the Stars is dead… officially eliminating Sulpicio Lines’ last potential scapegoat.

Belo and BF
Celebrity cosmetic expert Vicki Belo and boyfriend Dr. Hayden Kho are reportedly heading towards splitsville. Rumors say youthful Hayden has not been seeing Vicki lately because of his very tight schedule. So tight that it’s reportedly even tighter than Vicki Belo’s face.