LIST UY!

napoles
1: Bargaining
2: Acceptance
3: Denial
4: Anger
5: Depression
These are the five stages of a lawmaker’s transactions with Janet Lim-Napoles

1: Bargaining
“Forty percent lang ba ang makukuha ko? Lugi naman yata ako d’yan!”

“Sige na nga… singkwenta na rin. Basta ‘wag n’yo lang sasabihin kay Senator *****! Forty-five lang ‘yong huling bigay ko sa kanya eh.”

2: Acceptance
“Jenny, nakuha ko na ‘yong 23M. Timbrehan kita kung kailan ang sunod na release. Sanga pala, sino ‘yong nag-cater sa ‘yo kagabi sa Heritage? Sarap ng lechon huh.”

3: Denial
“Hindi ko kilala si Janet Lim-Napoles. Ni singkong duling ay wala akong ibinigay sa NGOs niya. Kung meron man ay tiyak na pineke ang pirma ko; pineke ang mga dokumento! ”

4: Anger
“This is political harassment! Pinupulitika ako! Sobra-sobrang pang-aapi na ang ginagawa sa akin at sa aking pamilya. Mga walang puso!”

5: Depression
“Paano ‘pag nakulong ako?”

“Paano na ang plano ko sa 2016?”

“’Pakamatay na lang kaya ako?”

kris2
AT LEAST FOUR versions of the Napoles list have been made public. When sought for reaction, Janet Lim-Napoles said, “If you can’t beat them, confuse them.”

The controversial Napoles list (four versions of it) has been made public. Do you know what that means? Ping Lacson can go back now to doing his job.

At least four versions of the Napoles list have been released to the public. The lists are confusing. Tanda, Pogi and Sexy are high-five-ing.

Several versions of the so-called Napoles list have been made public. Benhur Luy’s files appeared to be the most comprehensive. Even the Black Nazarene was on the list.

A furious Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago attacked Panfilo Lacson for saying she was on the Napoles list. Getting personal, Santiago said Lacson was on the list of “closeted gays or bisexuals in public service.” To which Lacson, replied, “Excuse me, I’m not gay.”

Former senator Robert Barbers was also on the list. He’s still mum on the issue though. Deadma.

Kris
According to the Benhur Luy’s files, Jinggoy Estrada’s transactions with Napoles amounted to 1.6 billion pesos. The same list says then San Juan representative JV Ejercito also transacted with Napoles. The amount transacted was 5 million pesos. Jinggoy couldn’t stop laughing.

Former Pampanga representative and incumbent Energy Regulatory Commission Chair Zenaida Ducut has been consistently mentioned in pork scam-related documents, lists and testimonies. She allegedly pocketed millions in pesos in kickbacks from PDAF funds, and even acted as agent for Napoles. There’s a reason why there’s a ‘cut’ in Ducut.

Northern Samar Representative Emil Ong said congressmen should not be blamed if their pork barrel funds were misused. Lawmakers like Ong is one of the reasons why nature gave us the middle finger.

xfilesIn Other News
The world’s oldest sperm, dating back 17 million years, has been unearthed in Australia. I can’t believe it. I thought Enrile’s from Cagayan?

A leaked hotel elevator security video showed Beyonce’s sister Solange viciously attacking her brother-in-law Jay-Z. Solange has issued a statement denying she’s on a juice diet.

Solange Knowles, who’s also a singer, is reportedly planning to visit the Philippines soon. I hope she gets trapped in the Senate elevator.
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“I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you. I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!”
~ Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones: The Laws of Gods and Men

Sound Bites
“Nag-transact ako ng P5 million kay Napoles? Diyos ko naman. Hello?! Masyadong maliit.”
~JV Ejercito

Pork Scam Quiz
According to the Benhur files published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, who was the first senator to become a client of Janet Lim-Napoles?
A: Jinggoy Estrada
B: Lito Lapid
C: Bong Revilla
D: Juan Ponce Enrile
(Answer below)

Poll Results
Nagrereklamo si Jinggoy Estrada. Hindi raw dapat idamay sa lifestyle check ng Ombudsman ang kanyang pamilya. Ano’ng reaksyon mo?

-Kung wala siyang ginawang masama, wala siyang dapat ikatakot. Tama ang Ombudsman. 93.8%
-Tama si Jinggoy. Leave his family alone. 3.65%
-Political harassment! Inaapi ng gobyerno si Jinggoy. 2.55%

Answer to Pork Quiz: B: Lito Lapid

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate’s new seal via @JoeyJohn16, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Reuters]

HERBERT, HAIRCUT, AND HYSTERECTOMY

1MRT
REHABILITATION CZAR and former senator Panfilo Lacson says pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles has linked more than a hundred government officials from both current and previous administrations to the multibillion peso pork barrel scam. Business analysts predict a looming shortage of wheelchairs.

Successful
Suspected pork barrel scam mastermind Janet Lim-Napoles underwent surgery last Wednesday, April 23. Ten doctors operated on her. The surgery was hailed a success. After the operation, Napoles was seen smiling on her way to the recovery room. The doctors were seen laughing all the way to the bank.

It was a successful surgery. The doctors removed Janet Napoles’s entire uterus and two ovaries. Napoles was happy. But the uterus and the ovaries were happier.

Reports say a total of 10 doctors – 7 from St. Luke’s and 3 from Ospital ng Makati performed the surgery on Janet Lim-Napoles. After the surgery, the doctors told Napoles, “Good luck on your recovery.” To which Napoles replied, “Good luck on the BIR.”

In one week, Janet Lim-Napoles is expected to be fully recovered. I’m not sure about her loot though.

Apology
Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada has apologized to Hong Kong for the unfortunate hostage incident in Manila. Filipinos are looking forward to his apology for the unfortunate incident that was Jinggoy Estrada.

Greetings
Rumors say Senator Enrile’s Facebook wall was deluged with birthday greetings last Tuesday. That left him wondering since he was born in February. And then Enrile realized, it was Earth Day.

2J
Kris and Herbert
Kris Aquino is sporting a pixie haircut which reportedly symbolizes a change in her life. The TV host was quoted to have said, “It was the shortest I’ve had since childbirth.” It wasn’t clear though if she’s still talking about the haircut or the boyfriend.

Kris Aquino recently posted Instagram photos pertaining to her rumored boyfriend Herbert Bautista. Remember when Kris made a promise on ‘Aquino&Abunda Tonight’ that she won’t talk about Herbert again? Me neither.

Entertainment editor Ricky Lo says Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista has given up on Kris Aquino. In his defense, he wasn’t the first.

FIRST & EXCLUSIVE! An interview with Kris Aquino’s new haircut

Ano ang feeling na bago ang hitsura mo?

Bongga! Grabe ang init ngayon ‘di ba? So thankful ako kay Ma’am Krissy na nagpagupit siya!

Bakit ba talaga nagpagupit ang iyong amo?

I’m not sure. Baka gusto lang niyang mag-trend aha-ha-ha! Aminin n’yo… pinag-uusapan pa rin s’ya hanggang ngayon. Winner ‘di ba?

Exactly.

Dapat kasi magpapagupit siya before Holy Week. Kaya lang, busy ang mga tao, ‘tapos special programming pa ang ABS-CBN. So sayang naman ang new haircut kung ‘di naman makikita agad nationwide ‘di ba? ‘Di ba!!!?? Sumagot ka! ‘Di ba?!

Sige na nga! And then…

And then, binalak din ni Ma’am Krissy na April 22 siya magpagupit para saktong Earth Day. Eh noong Black Saturday, biglang surface ang lola Gigi Reyes n’yo. Kaloka ‘di ba? Mang-aagaw pa ng eksena. So sabi ni Ma’am Krissy, “Hay naku Boy. Go na talaga. Magpapagupit na talaga ako bukas, Easter Sunday para maloka ang viewers ng A&A sa Monday .” So ‘yon, natuloy rin sa wakas.

2J
So, happy naman ang amo mo sa feedback?

That Monday night, oo! Kasi nga trending ako sa social media ‘di ba? Ang lakas ko raw maka-Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway, UP Pep Squad, at Doris Bigornia. Pero ang ‘di ko kinaya, ‘yong sabi ni Lourd De Veyra na kamukha ko si Cynthia Luster! Ang luma ng peg huh! Lunes pa lang, #throwbackthursday na?!

At least nag-trend ka.

Ito na nga ang ikinakainis ni Ma’am Krissy. Wala pang 24 hours ang lumilipas, umeksena naman ang Janet Napoles! May tell-all daw tungkol sa pork barrel scam. Hellllllo! Moment ko ‘to ‘di ba? ‘Wag KJ! So nabaling ang atensyon sa babaeng nangangailangan ng nose lift kanya.

What happened next?

Sakto! Nasa taping ng KrissyTV ang amo ko noong Tuesday. Sobrang init ng paligid. Wala siyang masyadong tulog the previous night. Suddenly, before mag-take… tsuk! Hinimatay si Ma’am Krissy. So takbo kami ng hospital. Kaloka. Hindi man lang ako sinuklay ni Darla. Pagdating sa Makati Med… nganga ang mga nurses and doctors nang makita ako at si Ma’am Krissy. Sabi ng bading na kumuha ng BP, “Cynthia Luster nga!” Aha-ha-ha Nakakaloka! ‘Buti ‘di narinig ni Ma’am Krissy. Or else…

So buntis nga ba ang presidential sister?

Hindi ‘noh! I should know. Kasama ko siya lagi. And to be fair to Ma’am Krissy… hindi pa niya isinusuko ang Bataan. Tarlac pa lang. Aha-ha-ha!

Siguro pag-uusapan pa rin ang pregnancy issue sa mga susunod na araw.

Ewan ko. ‘Yan kasing Ping Lacson, umeeksena rin. Ang daming blind items. Tsismoso ang pota. Ba’t kasi ayaw pa niyang pangalanan ang mga hinayupak na magnanakaw na ‘yan nang matigil na. Kabado tuloy sina senador L, G, F, T, R, C, L, atbp.

Sino naman sina L, G, F, T, R, C, L,?

Mag-research ka. Naimbento na ang Google. ‘Wag kang tamad.

Ok. Last, paglilinaw lang: break na ba ang amo mo at si Mayor Herbert?

Nooooooooo. They’re very much in love. Ako ang buhok niya. Alam ko ang nasa takbo ng utak ni Ma’am Krissy. Believe me.

2J
Thanks for the info. Last question, kung magiging buhok ka ni Pangulong Aquino… anong gupit ang gusto mo?

Eh kung ikaw na lang kaya ang maging buhok niya?

‘To naman! Masyadong choosy. Sige. Buhok ni Pangulong Aquino o buhok ni Secretary Butch Abad?

Death! Aha-ha-ha! Cynthia Luster forever!
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“Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.”
~Lemony Snicket

Sound Bites
“Dahil whatever we have in the past, I still believe na Secretary De Lima is the right person na in-approach niya because no-nonsense at saka more or less na hindi isa-sanitize ang information na ibibigay.”
~Panfilo Lacson on Janet Napoles’s decision to talk to DOJ Sec. Leila De Lima

Poll Results
Sang-ayon ka ba sa mungkahi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago na maging state witness si Gigi Reyes?

HELL, NO! Pare-pareho lang sila! Burn them. 51.03%
WHY NOT? Basta sabihin niyang lahat ang kanyang nalalaman sa PDAF scam. 47.42%
Mga judgmental! Wala siyang kasalanan. Nagamit lang siya ni Enrile! 1.55%

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Lui Andrada IG and Kris Aquino IG]