27 10 2017

EARLIER this week, a coalition of Duterte diehards was launched in Bonifacio Global City in Taguig. Led by Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte, the ‘Tapang at Malasakit Alliance for Duterte the Philippines’ – in a pledge, called for an end to “destructive politicking”. The title of the pledge was “Note To Ourselves.”

In her speech, Sara Duterte said, “Okay lang siguro if mag-away dito sa loob. Pero ‘pag reputasyon na ng bansa natin ang nasisira sa mga kapitbahay natin, mali po ‘yun.” To which, Presidente Duterte said, “Nang-aano ka eh! Inaano ba kita?”

Overheard at the launch:

Imee Marcos: O, Mayor Lani, nandito ka rin pala. Nasaan si Alan?

Lani Cayetano: Nandiyan lang. Nag-iikot.

Imee: So bati-bati na tayo?

Lani: Huh? Nag-away-away ba tayo?

Imee: Helloooo! ‘Di ba noong vice presidential debates, tinira-tira ni Alan ang pamilya namin? ‘Di mo ba natatandaan?

Lani: Paano ko matatandaan eh ang bata-bata ko pa no’n!?


Lani: Ay! Sorry naman, nagamit mo na nga pala ang excuse na ‘yon.

Take 2…

Imee: O, Mayor Lani, nandito ka rin pala. Nasaan si Alan?

Lani: Nandiyan lang. Nag-iikot.

Imee: So bati-bati na tayo?

Lani: Bati-bati? Nag-away-away ba tayo?

Imee: Hellllllooo?! ‘Di ba noong vice presidential debates, hindi tinigilan ni Alan ang pamilya namin? Paulit-ulit niya kaming tinawag na magnanakaw at human rights violator! Magnanakaw at human rights violator. Magnanakaw at human rights violator!

Lani: Tama, I remember that. Wait, hindi ba totoong magnanakaw at human rights violator kayo?

Imee: Excuse me! Check your facts! Hindi kami human rights violator. Hellllloooo!

* * * * *

Imee: Uy, Alan! You’re here pala. Small world.

Alan Peter: I know, right? Who would’ve thought na magiging magkakampi pa tayo?

Imee: True. Nakakaloka ‘no?

Alan: Just a year ago, isa lang akong talunang VP candidate na naghihintay ng swerte. Ngayon, foreign affairs secretary na! Salamat sa pagkawala ni Yasay.

Imee: Pareho pala kayo ni Bongbong. Just a year ago, isa lang siyang talunang VP candidate na naghihintay ng swerte. Ngayon, magiging bise presidente na.


Imee: Salamat sa pagkawala ni Andy Bautista!

* * * * *

Erap: Imee, kumusta? ‘Buti naimbitahan ka.

Imee: Uy, Ninong Erap, kayo pala ‘yan!

Erap: Siguro, we have something in common kaya tayo invited.

Imee: Ahmm, tapang?

Erap: Parang hindi.

Imee: Malasakit?

Erap: ‘Di ko sure.

Imee: Plunder?

Erap: Tarantado! Anong alam mo sa plunder eh ang bata-bata mo pa no’n?

Imee: True!

The Philippine Postal Corporation issued a commemorative stamp for the 100th birth anniversary of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. Thank you Philpost! Martial Law victims can’t wait to spit on it.

Not Running
During the launch of Tapang at Malasakit Alliance, Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte vehemently denied reports she’s running for a national post in 2019. Even her father was like, “’Yan din ang sabi ko noon ‘day!”

Reports say Duterte’s eldest son, controversial Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo ‘Pulong’ Duterte will retire from politics in 2019 “to focus on his family.” In response, the Davao Group said, “Salamat Kapamilya!”

Defending his anti-drug war policy, President Duterte said, “I have been demonized” – drawing a howl of protest from the demon itself who said, “On the contrary, it was I who was Dutertefied!”

Myanmar had seized $4.6 million worth of smuggled crystal methamphetamine or shabu. Myanmar President Htin Kyaw was quick to deny rumors his eldest son, Pulong Kyaw was involved in the smuggling of the shabu shipment.

Drug Lords
Revealing! A government witness has tagged Mar Roxas and Sen. Franklin Drilon as drug operators in the Visayas. Even more revealing, the witness says Roxas and Drilon are using the code names Tita Nani and Pulong in drug transactions.

Iyot Man
Mocking officials of the European Union who are critical of the Duterte administration, Communications Sec. Martin Andanar said, “’Yong maiingay na palaiyot, ang problema sa kanila, hanggang ingay lang sila, wala namang napatunayan. Maiingay sila kasi kulang sila sa iyot.” A party-list solon described Andanar as “desperate.” Another called it, “shameful.” Duterte described him as “a fast learner.”

On radio, Martin Andanar defended his distasteful comments and insisted he was just joking. Which was totally unnecessary since his mere presence was in itself a bigger joke.
“Silence is complicity. Speak now or surrender your ground.”
~Michelle Malkin

Sound Bites
“Hindi po ako papasok sa pulitika. Maayos na maayos na ho ang buhay ko sa show business. “Kasi kawawa naman ang mga senador doon, baka mabugbog ko lang, okay na po ako.”
~Robin Padilla

‘Buti naman.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Tapang at Malasakit: Philippine Star; Stamps: GMA 7; Martin Andanar: GMA 7]



21 10 2017

ISNILON HAPILON and Omar Maute are dead. A salute to our soldiers! That’s the good news: Marawi has been liberated from terrorists. The bad news is the country has yet to be liberated from Duterte.

President Duterte said martial law in Mindanao would not be lifted “until the last terrorist is taken out.” That’s not a problem, Mr. President. You just stay in Manila; don’t go to Mindanao.

President Duterte warned jeepney operators of a crackdown if they don’t modernize their units by the end of the year. “January! ‘Pag ‘di kayo na-modernize, umalis kayo,” said Duterte who once gave himself six months to curb drugs and criminality or he would resign.

Old jeepneys emit too much carbon dioxide and put the health of Filipinos at risk, according to Duterte – an old president who emits too much vitriol and puts the entire nation at risk.

Halloween is the time of the year when a number of people wear masks and costumes to hide their true selves, hoping to win the top prize. It’s also called elections.

People are now talking about Halloween parties. In Davao, President Duterte’s grandchildren have an annual tradition. They scare their Lolo Digong by wearing menacing costumes. For this year’s Halloween party, Duterte’s grandchildren will come as human bank waivers.

Bad Weather
Super-typhoon Paolo is the latest weather disturbance to enter the Philippines. Many Filipinos are not aware though that Paolo has entered the Philippine Area of Responsibility. Even President Duterte never spoke about it. If super-typhoon Paolo makes a landfall, experts fear the damage to agriculture and infrastructure may reach 6.4B pesos.

Reports say Lorraine Badoy-Partosa has been appointed undersecretary of the presidential communications office. The controversial Ka-DDS used to be an assistant secretary at the Social Welfare department. The transfer is hardly surprising since it’s public knowledge that Lorraine’s only concern is the welfare of Rodrigo Duterte.

Graft Case
Former Caloocan City Mayor Recom Echeverri, who is facing nine counts of graft, refused to enter a plea on two counts. The court automatically made a plea on his behalf. It entered a plea of “not surprised.”

Losing Streak
The UST Growling Tigers are still winless in men’s basketball. They have been beaten nine straight times this season. Experts say if UST wants to BEAT its rivals, the coaching staff should hire members of the Aegis Jvris Fraternity.

Based on a detailed chat group log, members of the Aegis Jvris Fraternity intended to cover up the death of hazing victim Horatio Castillo III. Some 30 frat members in the chat group discussed how to conceal evidence; reach a settlement with Castillo’s parents, and find ways to explain to their wives and girlfriends why their balls suddenly went missing.

According to Safe Cities Index 2017, Manila is one of the least safe cities in the world. It ranked 55th out of 60 cities. At No. 1, Tokyo was named the safest city while Singapore came in second place prompting Alan Peter Cayetano to demand a recount.

Unsafe Indeed
A Miss Earth 2017 candidate was robbed in Manila. Her cellphone was snatched. The victim was identified as Polli Cannabis, Miss Belarus. Worse, when Miss Cannabis reported the incident to the police, she was asked to undergo a drug test.
“A man don’t need to act tough if he is. Men that put on a show are spineless more often than not.”
~Eric Powell, ‘The Goon’

Sound Bites
“’Pag ‘di kayo na-modernize, umalis kayo. Mahirap kayo… sige. Magtiis kayo sa hirap at gutom. Wala ako pakialam.”
~President Duterte

You deserve the leaders you elect.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marawi: Agence France Presse; Jeepney:; Masks: How Stuff Works; Lorraine Badoy-Partosa: DSWD; Aegis Jvris Fraternity: Benjie Castro/GMA News]


15 10 2017

Maalaala Mo Kaya
Episode No. 6.4B

“I read the condemnation of the European Union against me. I will tell them fuck you. Do not fuck with us! You leave my country in 24 hours. All of you! I repeat it, fuck you!”

(Before you continue, click this video for the “live” scoring. Wait for the music to start before reading.)

“May mga pagkakataon sa ating buhay na nakararamdam tayo ng matinding poot. Walang pagsidlan ang ating galit sa mga tao, bagay, o pangyayari sa ating paligid. Sa ganitong mga sandali, dapat bang pinipigil o mas dapat na ilabas natin ang ating tunay na damdamin? Paano natin lalabanan ang nakasanayang udyok na magmura, magbanta, manakit, o pumatay?

Magandang gabi mga Kapamilya. Sa espesyal na pang-anibersaryong handog ng ating programa, tampok ang kuwento ng isa nating kababayan na aminado mang galit sa ating himpilan ay patuloy pa rin naman sa panonood ng ating programa. Hindi ko alam kung siya ay tanga o ipokrito – pwede rin namang pareho.

Ang letter sender na ito ay itatago na lamang natin sa pangalang… Rodrigo. Narito ang kanyang kwento…

Dear Charo,

‘Tang ina mo! Matagal ko nang ipinadala ang sulat na ito pero ngayon mo lang babasahin?? Gago! Gumastos ako sa selyo sa post office kaya ‘wag mo akong gaguhin, ‘tang ina! Ginago na ako ng ABS-CBN noong eleksyon. ‘Di ako papayag na gaguhin ulit n’yo ngayon! Sabihin mo sa boss mong si Gabby Concepcion, gahaman siya sa pera, ‘tang ina niya!

O, ano pang hinihintay mo, ituloy mo na ang pagbabasa ng liham ko!

So ‘yon na nga Charo, hindi ko makontrol ang galit ko. Katulad last week, kumulo ang aking dugo nang mabasa ko ang headline na ito ng putang inang diyaryo ng mga Prieto:


Kaya nang mag-speech ako nang sumunod na araw, hindi ako nakapigil.

Putang ina n’yo EU, ang kapal ng mukha n’yong makialam sa mga patayan dito. Mga ipokrito! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Lumayas kayo sa bansa ko – ngayon din! Fuck you!

Ganung level ang galit ko, Charo. Sukdulan kung sukdulan! ‘Tapos kinagabihan, nalaman ko, hindi pala officials ng EU ang minura ko. Mali pala ang na-feed sa aking info. Putang ina n’yo Inquirer, pahamak kayo. Fuck you! Magsasara din kayo tang ina n’yo!

Ang nakakatawa Charo, katulad ng dati, panic mode na naman si Abella. ‘Di alam kung paano ipaliliwanag ang sinabi ko. Ha-ha-ha ‘Di ba mukha na naman siyang tanga? Kaya mahal na mahal ko ‘yan eh. Kahit ilang beses kong gawing gago, nandiyan pa rin sa puwesto. Petmalu!

Ito nga pala ang sabi niya:


Kahapon, may nagtanong din sa akin Charo: bakit daw tahimik si Alan Peter Cayetano ng DFA kahit minura-mura ko at pinalayas ang EU. Sagot ko: ‘Tang ina. Paano magsasalita ‘yon eh nagpapagaling pa ng lapnos after ng interview niya sa Al Jazeera? Hashtag burn! Konting pang-unawa naman mga lodi.

Akala ko, matatahimik na ako after ng isyu sa EU. Mali ako, Charo. Kinabukasan sa palasyo, may speech na naman ako. Eh mainit ang ulo ko dahil ‘di nag-flush ang tae ko. Tang ina, nagtapon kasi ng tissue sa inidoro si Honeylet kaya nagbara. Anyway, sabi ko sa speech ko: ‘Pag ‘di nagkaroon ng peace agreement sa Mindanao, malamang utusan na naman ni Hashim Salamat na mag-alsa ang mga rebeldeng Moro.

‘Tang ina! Pagbukas ko ng TV noong gabi, napanood ko sa news, 14 years na palang patay si Hashim Salamat. Pisting yawa! Pero ok lang, sabi ko. Ang importante, ‘yong mga Ka-DDS, paniwalang-paniwala.

Ba’t kaya sila ganun Charo? Bilib na bilib sila sa lahat ng sinasabi ko? Kahit magsinungaling pa ako, tinatanggap pa rin nila! Werrrrpa! Ha-ha!

Gusto ko nga palang magpasalamat sa Pulse Asia, Charo; otsenta porsiyento pa rin ang approval rating ko. Petmalu! Salamat mga lodi! Akalain mo ‘yon? Ilang linggong pinag-usapan ang Kian Delos Santos issue, na-expose ang kawalanghiyaan ng mga pulis ko, nanahimik ako sa 6.4B shabu, at nabisto ang kalokohan ni Pulong pero 80 percent pa rin ang aking rating? Anong klaseng tao ba kayo? Bobo? Hahaha Joke lang. Tang ina n’yo, mahal ko kayo.

Gusto ko ring umapela Charo sa mga Ka-DDS natin: Huwag kayong maniniwala sa SWS survey na nagsasabing bumagsak ang rating ko. Dilawan ‘yan! Kasama ‘yan ng Simbahan at ng mga Komunistang gustong magpabagsak sa akin. Pero hindi kayo magtatagumpay! Hawak ko sa bayag ang Senado. Hawak ko sa bayag ang mga kongresista. Hawak ko sa bayag ang Korte Suprema. Putang ina, kaya pala itong kamay ko, ang baho-baho na. Puro bayag ang hawak ko! Ha-ha-ha

‘Pag ‘di kayo tumigil sa plano n’yong destabilization, magdedeklara ako ng revolutionary government. Tang ina n’yo, gagawin ko talaga ‘yan! Oo! First time mangyayari sa kasaysayan ng mundo: isang lider na hawak sa bayag lahat ng sangay ng gobyerno ang magdedeklara ng rebolusyon laban mismo sa mga tao. Isang petmalung palakpak mga lodi!

Maiba ako Charo, alam kong nanonood si Inday Sara ngayon. Sabi niya sa putang inang Trillanes kahapon, “Prove to everybody that piece of shit paper of bank accounts you are waving around is not fake, Pinocchio. Ang babaeng Bisaya, hindi umaatras. Kayang-kaya kong makipag away.”

Salamat sa paghahamon ng away, Inday Sara. Anak nga kita. Fuck you, Pinocchio!

Bago ko tapusin ang aking liham, may request lang ako sa iyo Charo. At susundin mo ang request na ito kung ayaw mong ipasara ko ang istasyon n’yo. Ang gusto kong gumanap bilang Rodrigo sa MMK ay ‘yong kayang bigyang justice ang character ko. In short, hindi si Piolo. ‘Yong John Lloyd Cruz na lang siguro.

Sa mga kokontra, tang ina n’yo!

Hanggang dito na lamang Charo.

Sanga pala, ilang taon ka na ba Charo? Bakit parang may asim ka pa rin? Pasyal ka naman dito sa palasyo ‘pag wala si Honeylet. Ipagluluto kita ng masarap na longganisa.

Again, thank you sa pagsasadula ng buhay ko. Sigurado akong mataas ang rating nito.

Teka, pwede ba akong humula sa title ng episode? Gusto kong manalo ng load eh. Ibibigay ko sana kay Kitty.

Last na ito Charo, sa aking mga kritiko: fuck you! ‘Pag ako nagdeklara ng revolutionary government, todas kayong lahat, mga ‘tang ina n’yo. Fuck you!!!!

Walang galang,


“Alam mo Rodrigo, hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ko sa liham mo. At lalong hindi ko alam kung anong purpose o goal ng inilahad mong kuwento. Walang kwenta! Tang ina. Paulit-ulit ka! Pati sa mga katangahan mo, proud ka pa. Mabuti pa pumirma ka na lang ng bank waiver; hindi ‘yong puro ka mura at porma ‘king ina ka!

Pasensya na po sa mga nanonood na bata. Hindi na ako nakapagpigil.

Sa susunod na Sabado, isang kwentong may kabuluhan ang ihahatid namin sa inyo. Pasensya na po ulit kung puro mura ang napanood n’yo kanina. Dadagdagan na lang namin ang premyo ng makakahula sa title ng episode.

Ito po si Charo Santos, maraming salamat at magandang gabi, Kapamilya.



















Ang nakahula sa tamang title ay tatanggap ng P3,000 load at libreng kiss sa lips mula kay Rodrigo. Bawal tumanggi. Hindi ka namin pinilit sumali. Ginusto mo ‘yan ‘di ba? Congratulations!
“Rudeness is a means to attract attention, assert power, cover-up ineptitude, deflect personal insecurities, and intimidate meeker people.”
~Kilroy J. Oldster, ‘Dead Toad Scrolls’

Sound Bites
“Based on the Information itself, the accusation of illegal trade of drugs against petitioner is blatantly a pure invention. This court, the last bulwark of democracy and liberty in the land, should never countenance such a fake charge.”
~Associate Justice Antonio Carpio’s dissenting opinion on the Leila De Lima case


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Charo Santos: ABSCBN Entertainment; Headlines:]


6 05 2017

THE COMMISSION on Appointments or CA rejected the appointment of controversial Environment Secretary Gina Lopez. The figures were not even close. It was 8 for Gina Lopez and 16 million for CA members.

Lobby Money
Reacting to the CA’s rejection of the appointment of Gina Lopez, President Duterte said, “lobby money talks.” CA member Panfilo Lacson who rejected Lopez’s appointment said, Duterte’s remark was “a sweeping assault on the CA members’ integrity. What lobby money?” Gina Lopez supporters replied, “What integrity?”

Lawmakers who rejected the appointment of Gina Lopez to the DENR described her as “unfit” and “acting as if she were above the law.” To be fair to Gina Lopez, she’s just taking her cue from the President.

“Na-ano Lang”
People are still talking about Tito Sotto’s “Na-ano lang” comment during the confirmation hearing for DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo. On Instagram, Gian Sotto defended his father saying, “Alam ng Diyos kung ano ang nasa puso ng tatay ko.” To which, God reacted, “Actually, no. I don’t.”

A confident Gian Sotto added, “Alam kong malalampasan namin ito dahil kasama namin ang Diyos.” And Satan was like, “Be fair! Give credit where credit is due. Please lang!”

A fish vendor died last weekend when the New People’s Army attacked several facilities of the Lapanday Foods Corporation in Davao City. A fuming Mayor Sara Duterte hit the Communist rebels saying they’re “delusional” and “living in an alternate universe.” In response, the NPA said, “Wrong! We’re not living in an alternate universe.”

Delusional II
According to Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte, Communist rebels are “delusional people” who live in an “alternate universe.” The statement has fueled speculations the NPA rebels are on fentanyl, too.

In a strongly worded statement, Inday Sara Duterte said the attacks of the New People’s Amy “should always remind us of the twistedness of an ideology and the monsters behind it, how they employ fear and terror in their attempt to cloak their insignificance and the obsolescence of their political belief.” The statement was titled, ‘Note to Dad.’

No Endorser
Last May 2, Duterte fanatic and ‘Impeach Leni Movement’ leader Bruce Rivera claimed the impeachment complaint they drafted against the vice president was “received” by a congressman whose name was mentioned in the document. But the solon, identified later as PBA Party-list Rep. Jericho Nograles, immediately disowned the complaint and denied knowing anything about it. It was a bad day for Bruce Rivera and his cohorts. In totally unrelated news… that same day, the Senate approved the Mental Health Care Act.

New Words
More than 300 words have been added to online database and Some of the words added in 2017 were ‘cheat day,’ ‘sausage party,’ and ‘sext.’ It’s easy to find these new entries online because beside each word, there’s an image of Kiefer Ravena.
“In reality, everybody in Congress is a stand-in for some kind of lobbyist. In many cases it’s difficult to tell whether it’s the companies that are lobbying the legislators or whether it’s the other way around.”
~Matt Taibbi, American author and journalist

Fact: Infamous lawyer, Bruce Rivera, the former legal counsel of pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles once joined this contest on ‘Eat Bulaga.’ Was it…
A: Mr. Pogi
B: Super Sireyna
C: Pinoy Henyo
D: Doble Kara
See answer below

Sound Bites
“Badly thought-out, ill-conceived drug policies not only fail to address substantively drug dependency, drug-related criminality, and the drug trade, they add more problems, as has been well documented, around the world.”
~Agnes Callamard, United Nations Special Rapporteur on Extrajudicial, Summary, or Arbitrary Executions

(Un)Sound Bites
“Mga trolls lang [ang] nagpapalaki n’yan. Perhaps…these are just people who are not my fans so to speak. Baka mga talagang pakontra lang sa akin yan, kahit anong makita sa akin pangontra na. Madali naman ‘yun kung hindi natin mamasamain. Pero kung minasama nila, humihingi ako ng paumanhin.”
~Tito Sotto

Fault pa naming lahat?! Genius ka talaga.

Answer to #QUIZtion:
B: Super Sireyna.
Source: GMA News

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Gina Lopez: Manila Bulletin; Gian Sotto Instagram; Bruce Rivera YouTube]


4 05 2017



Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

For the last 48 hours, the issue of the “Na-ano lang” comment has spun out of control. Tonight, I want to set the record straight. You deserve an explanation from me, because you are the people I was elected to serve.

As you recall, the confirmation hearing was unnecessarily dull even with comedians in the committee including yours truly, Manny Pacquiao and several others.

I was anxious to keep the energy in the room and during that time had conversations with many people, including DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo. My intent was not to humiliate the Secretary, and it did not.

That said, let me tell you how I personally feel. I recognize that making such joke was a lapse in judgment. I AM SORRY. I take full responsibility for my actions and to you and to all those good citizens who may have had their faith shaken by these events. I want to assure you that I have redoubled my efforts to serve the nation and earn your trust.

Nagagambala ako. Maliwanag na may kakulangan sa wastong pagpapasya ang nangyaring pagbibitiw ng joke. Pinagsisisihan ko ito nang lubos. Pinananagutan ko nang lubusan ang aking ginawa, at humihingi ako ng tawad kay Secretary Taguiwalo, sa inyo, sa lahat ng mga butihing mamamayan na nabawasan ng tiwala dahil sa mga pangyayaring ito. Ibig kong tiyakin sa inyo na lalo pa akong magsisikap upang maglingkod sa bayan at matamo ang inyong tiwala.

As my late father told me, “Do what is right, do your best and let God take care of the rest.”.

That is why I want to close this chapter and move on with the business of governing. I ask each and everyone of you to join hands with me in a show of unity, to help forge one Philippines, where everyone is equal under the law, and everybody has the opportunity to use their God-given talents to make a better life.

God bless the Philippines!
“I’ve learned two things the hard way: You can’t fix stupid and you shouldn’t use up your patience to fix stupid.”
~Karen A. Baquiran

Sound Bites
“[You have] Two daughters? But you are single. In the street language, when you have children and you are single, ang tawag lang ay na-ano lang.”
~Tito Sotto to DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo

No. We don’t describe single moms as “na-ano lang.” So, fuck you.

Sound Bites II
“’Di ba ‘yun ang biruan sa kalsada. Kung minasama nila, eh ‘di I’m sorry, I apologize. They don’t understand the joke.”
~Tito Sotto on his “Na-ano lang” comment

Fuck you some more.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.Net]


24 04 2017

MANILA MAYOR Joseph Estrada celebrated his 80th birthday recently at the Manila Hotel. In attendance were the who’s who of Philippine politics like President Duterte, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and husband Mike, former vice president Jejomar Binay, detained ex-senator Jinggoy Estrada, former senator Juan Ponce Enrile, Bongbong Marcos, and Imelda Marcos. When Satan saw this group photo, he said, “Uwian na bes. Nanalo na ako.”


Most Influential
Duterte fanatics are livid. The President topped TIME’s online poll for its annual most influential people list but the TIME 100 write up written by former Colombian president Cesar Gaviria was critical of the government’s war on drugs. Fanatics are appealing to their fellow Ka-DDS to boycott TIME – a news magazine which, they neither read nor buy to begin with.


Palace Spokesman Ernesto Abella: Sir, kasama po kayo sa online survey ng TIME.

President Duterte: Sus! ‘Di ako naniniwala sa survey-survey na ‘yan.

Abella: Sir, grabe ang support ng mga Ka-DDS, nangunguna kayo.

Duterte: Sus! Thank you na lang.

Abella: Sir, nanalo na kayo! Kayo ang No. 1!

Duterte: Congrats sa ating lahat. Sabihin mo sa mga tao natin, maraming salamat.

Abella: Sir, kalalabas lang: negative ang write up ng TIME.

Duterte: Put*ng ina kasi. ‘Di ba sabi ko, hindi dapat pinaniniwalaan ang mga survey na ‘yan? Ang kulit n’yo eh. ‘Tang ina.

It’s Time II
Abella: Sir, panalo kayo sa TIME 100 online poll.

Duterte: Ano ‘yon?

Abella: Most influential people in the world. Ibinoto kayo ng mga Ka-DDS.

Duterte: Wow. Sinu-sino bang kasama ko doon?

Abella: Nandun sina Pope Francis, Theresa May, Elizabeth Warren, Vladimir Putin, Melinda Gates…

Duterte: Eh ‘di ok.

Abella: ‘Tsaka si Senator De Lima, sir.


Honoris Causa
Amid protests from UP students, faculty and alumni, President Duterte declined the offer of the State University’s Board of Regents (BOR) to confer him the Doctor of Laws degree, honoris causa. Records show the honorary degree for Duterte was proposed by UP President Danny Concepcion. The motion was seconded by Regents Angelo Jimenez and Frederick Farolan, both Duterte appointees in the BOR. Despite Duterte’s rejection of the honorary degree, Malacañang assured Farolan and Jimenez there are other ways to win Order of Lapu-Lapu (award) from the President in the future.

Honoris Causa II
Abella: Sir, may offer na honorary degree ang UP.

Duterte: Anong kailangang gawin?

Abella: A-attend ka lang sa graduation nila.

Duterte: ‘Yun lang?

Abella: Yes sir.

Duterte: Sige. Kailan ‘yan?

Abella: Sanga pala sir, maraming bumabatikos sa offer na honorary degree. ‘Di raw kayo deserving dahil sa human rights record n’yo. June 25 nga pala ‘yung graduation.



Honoris Causa III
Abella: Sir, may offer na honorary degree ang UP.

Duterte: Hindi ako tumatanggap ng kahit anong award. As a matter of personal and official policy, I do not accept awards.

Abella: Pero sir, ‘di ba tinanggap n’yo ‘yung ‘Man of the Year Award’ last February from the Manila Times ‘tsaka ‘yung Knight Grand Cross award mula sa Knights of Rizal? Nasa report ng Rappler.

Duterte: Gagu! Sino bang paniwalaan mo: ako o ‘yung fake news ng Rappler?

Abella: Eh sir, nandun ako nang tanggapin n’yo ‘yung dalawang award eh.

Duterte: Gusto mong ikaw ang awardan ko?

Abella: Tama sir ang desisyon n’yo. Say no to UP!

VP’s Birthday
Last April 23, Vice President Leni Robredo quietly spent her 52nd birthday at home with her family. Mocha Uson and Bruce Rivera are still figuring out which part of the celebration is an impeachable offense.
“You should not honor men more than truth.”

Sound Bites
“With due respect to the University of the Philippines, I do not accept even when I was mayor. As a matter of personal and official policy, I do not accept awards. I simply decline. Kasi hindi ako tumtanggap, ever since.”
~President Duterte


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Erap Party: CTTO; Oblation: Inquirer.Net]


17 04 2017

CONGRATULATIONS to President Duterte for topping the TIME readers’ poll of the “most influential” people in the world this year. The magazine was quick to clarify however, those who voted for Duterte were not actually TIME readers but TIME bashers. Still, congratulations!

Congratulations also to Kris Aquino for landing an acting project in Hollywood. Unconfirmed reports say she is set to do the remake of the hit comedy from the year 2000 starring Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott. The movie’s working title is “Dude, Where’s My Career?”

Order of Lapu-Lapu
President Duterte recently announced the creation of the Order of Lapu-Lapu, an award for anyone who will render “invaluable or extraordinary service to a campaign or advocacy of the President.” In short, ‘asslickers.’

Order of Lapu-Lapu II
When asked why he decided to name the award ‘Order of Lapu-Lapu,’ President Duterte said, “Masyadong susyal kung ‘Order of Stonefish.’”

Vice President Leni Robredo recorded the highest distrust rating among the top national officials, the latest Pulse Asia survey showed. In totally unrelated news, Malacañang will confer the Order of Lapu-Lapu on Mocha Uson and Duterte’s keyboard warriors.

Distrust II
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, the number of Filipinos who distrust Vice President Leni Robredo is higher than those who distrust self-confessed two-timer, death penalty advocate and traditional politician Pantaleon Alvarez. Meanwhile, another Pulse Asia survey revealed Leni Robredo has the worst PR team.

Protest Fee
Less than 24 hours after the Supreme Court ordered Bongbong Marcos to pay the election protest fee of 66.2-million pesos (either in full or installment basis), the defeated vice presidential candidate immediately paid 36 million pesos. In the words of Imelda Marcos, “Maliit na bagay.”

Duterte fanatic and sex blogger Mocha Uson as well as controversial ex-jueteng bagman, and defeated senatorial candidate Sandra Cam joined President Duterte in his recent visit to the Middle East. The delegation has returned the other day. Uson and Cam can’t wait for the next junket with the President. Let’s hope the universe cooperates and those two get booked on a United Airlines flight.
“I get so tired listening to ‘One million dollars here; one million dollars there.’ It’s so petty.”
~Imelda Marcos

Sound Bites
“Indeed Filipinos find in the President a kindred spirit – a leader who acts for the common good,
~Palace spokesman Ernesto Abella on Duterte’s topping the TIME online poll

“Well, I don’t need to tell you what I did because I’m not that kind of person.”
~Sandra Cam when asked how was she helping the OFWs


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Ezra Acayan/Reuters :Duterte]


9 04 2017


Kagalang-galang Rodrigo R. Duterte
Pangulo ng Pilipinas
Sa sambayanang Pilipino
Ukol sa Mahal na Araw
[Ika-9 ng Abril 2017]

Ngayong panahon ng Kuwaresma, p*tang i*a, ang init! Namawis man ang kilikili ko. Pasensya na. Bakit? Sino ba sa inyo ang hindi nainitan? Lakasan mo nga ang aircon.

Ituloy ko na ang statement ko. Ngayong panahon ng Kuwaresma, ginugunita natin ang buhay at pagpapakasakit ni Hesukristo. Ikaw ba naman ang hampasin at ipako, siyempre, masaktan ka talaga.

Bilang mga tagasunod ni Hesus, nararapat lamang na gamitin nating inspirasyon ang kanyang buhay. Madami ding followers itong si Hesus, ‘no? Siguro, kung nag-Facebook man siya noon, trinding siya lagi. Kabahan man si Muka.

Bilang isang bansa, marami na tayong napatunayan sa landas ng pagkakaisa, pagkakawanggawa, at pagmamalasakit sa kapwa. Sino bang sumulat ng statement na ito? Ang haba man ng words. Laktawan ko na ang iba.

Marami na akong nabigyan ng trabaho. ‘Yung mga walang ginagawang artista, nailagay ko na sa pwisto sa gobyerno. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga gago. Wala namang civil service eligibility, yawa!

At dahil ayaw natin sa kurapsyon, marami na rin akong sinibak. Tapos sasabihin ng mga gagong media, “Eh sino bang nag-appoint – ‘di ba ikaw din?” Putang ina! Siyempre ako. Ako ang prisidinti eh. Eh ‘di ako. ‘Tang ina n’yo, gago!

Ituloy ko na ang statement ko.

Si Hudas ay nagtaksil kay Hesus. Gago! Parang ‘yung isa d’yan. Nagpunta pa sa UN para magsumbong. Ulol! Eh ‘di magsumbong ka! Alis na lang tayo sa UN. Ikaw na lang mag-isa ang mag-miyimbro – ‘tang ina.

Si Hesus ay inaresto at iniharap kay Pilato. Sabi sa Bible, trial daw. Gago! Walang trial, trial dun. Tinanong lang ni Pilato ang taumbayan, tapos, sentensyado na. Death penalty agad. Kaya sa mga ayaw sa death penalty, tama si Manny, nasa Bible ‘yun.

Matapos ipako at mamatay sa krus si Hesus, umiyak ang kanyang inang si Maria at iba pang kamag-anak. ‘Kita n’yo na? Nanahimik man sila kahit pinatay ang relative nila. Dito, isisi man lahat sa akin ng media. Gago! Wala ngang reklamo ang kamag-anak, tapos kayong media nagrereklamo ng EJK, EJK. ‘Tang ina n’yo. EJK n’yo mukha n’yo. Ulol!

Sino bang sumulat ng statement na ito? Masyadong mahaba. Ayaw ko nang ituloy.

Basta ngayong Holy Week, tuloy ang laban sa druga. Huwag kayong maniwala sa tsismis na kaya lumilindul eh galit sa akin ang Panginoon. Ulol! Gusto ng Diyos na patayin ang mga adik at pusher kaya lumilindul.

Ako ang paniwalaan n’yo. Huwag ang media. Tang ina nila. Hangga’t buhay ako, puprotektahan ko kayo sa adik at pusher. Isama na rin ninyo ang lindul. Ipa-tokhang ko man ang lindul.

‘Tang ina.


THE CHRISTIAN tradition of Lent culminates this Holy Week. It’s the season of betrayal, abandonment, pain and suffering. Or as that’s also called, “the past eight months.”

Many Christians have given up something for Lent: junk food, smoking, infidelity, alcohol, etc. You know, the bad things. In fact, many thinking Filipinos are ‘giving up’ this administration.

In different parts of the country, expect to see senakulo – a play depicting the life and sufferings of Jesus. Manny Pacquiao and our congressmen will surely enjoy that moment when Jesus is sentenced to death.

President Duterte is invited to attend the senakulo organized by PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa. In the modern version of the play, Jesus suffered, and was later, killed inside Camp Crame.

Also in that play, relatives of ‘Jesus’ easily identified his lifeless body. There was a cardboard sign that reads, “Nagmamagaling ako. Huwag tularan.”

On Facebook, a furious Mocha Uson lambasted the organizers of a senakulo for rejecting her during the auditions. Apparently, she wanted to play the role of the Virgin – her lifelong dream.

To fulfill her dream, Mocha Uson and her Ka-DDS friends, Jimmy Bondoc, Arnell Ignacio, Kat De Castro and Vivian Velez produced their own stage play. In their version of the senakulo, the fanatics crucified Leni Robredo.
“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

Sound Bites
“You know, you’re just a f—ing employee, why don’t you have a heart for the poor? You know you are so young and you’re already bought by the greed and selfishness. I don’t like it.”
~DENR Sec. Gina Lopez to BusinessWorld reporter Janina Lim

Have a safe week! Enjoy your vacation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



3 04 2017

THERE WAS a gathering of Duterte fanatics led by Mocha Uson, Jimmy Bondoc, Kat De Castro, Vivian Velez and erstwhile Janet Napoles lawyer Bruce Rivera in Luneta last April 2. The group called for the ouster of Vice President Leni Robredo. According to the NCR Police Office, the rally attracted only 3,500 Ka-DDS – prompting a local sanitary inspector to drop by the venue after receiving reports the rally was “nilalangaw.”

#PalitBise organizers Mocha Uson, Jimmy Bondoc, Arnell Ignacio, Vivian Velez and Bruce Rivera could only mobilize 3,500 of their fellow Ka-DDS for Sunday’s rally in Luneta. To give you some perspective, the number of EJK victims was even larger.

Online Appeal
Organizers appealed to their fellow Ka-DDS online to join the Luneta rally on Sunday. “Thousands” were not able to show up though because, you know, computers cannot attend rallies.

Jimmy Bondoc called on Vice President Leni Robredo to “stop shaiming” President Duterte. He also appealed to the international media to “stop maligning” the President. He then insisted, “Dead bodies are only on the TV screens.” When President Duterte heard these statements, he asked Bondoc, “Binigyan na kita ng puwesto ‘di ba? Ano pa bang gusto mo?”

Some 3,500 Ka-DDS members including Mocha Uson, Jimmy Bondoc, Kat De Castro, Arnell Ignacio, Vivian Velez, and former Napoles lawyer Bruce Rivera attended the #PalitBise rally in Luneta. In fiery speeches, organizers lectured critics on how to treat the President “fairly.” In response, critics lectured the organizers on how to spell ‘shaiming’ correctly.

Organizer Jimmy Bondoc said he created the hashtag #PalitBise for the rally. And the hashtags #PalitCareer and #HindiBusy for the organizers.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Inspired by the #PalitBise Rally of Duterte Fanatics Led By Mocha Uson, Jimmy Bondoc, Vivian Velez, Arnell Ignacio and Kat De Castro in Luneta

No. 5: La La Ngaw Land

No. 4: Hinakot Ka Ngunit Kulang

No. 3: Pagputi ng Uwak, Pag-itim ng Balak

No. 2: The Fault in Our Starlets

And the No. 1 movie remake inspired by the #PalitBise rally in Luneta:

Fanatic Beasts and Where to Find Them
“Fanatics are like debris following the course of the wind, they are swept around like sand, and convinced to believe in what they do not understand.”
~Michael Bassey Johnson

Sound Bites
“We’re all hypocrites here. Pati si Speaker. Ba’t matanong ilan ang babae? Lahat kami dito wala nang ranggo kapag ganu’n! Sino bang walang kaligayahan?”
~President Duterte defending House Speaker Alvarez’s extramarital affair

Birds of a feather…

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Shared on Twitter by netizens]


22 03 2017

TOURISM SECRETARY Wanda Tulfo-Teo urged Vice President Leni Robredo and the media to “tone down” statements and reports on extrajudicial killings to boost tourism in the country.

How do reporters tone it down? Here are some tips.

First, the statistics. Iwasang banggitin ang salitang libu-libo. Kung umabot na sa 8,000 ang napapatay, umisip ng alternatibong paraan upang mailahad ang estadistika. Halimbawa, sa halip na sabihing “walong libo,” gamitin ang “20 raised to the third power.” Pero kung pabor naman ang figures sa gobyerno, gawin itong eksaherado. Dapat ganito:

Ayon sa pag-aaral na ginawa ng ilang human rights groups, umabot na sa 20 raised to the third power ang bilang ng mga napapatay na Filipino mula nang ilunsad ng administrasyong Duterte ang war on drugs. Samantala, iniulat naman ng PNP na ang crime rate sa nakaraang anim na buwan ay bumaba ng cube root of 2,197 percent.

Second, the crime scene. Huwag gawing detalyado ang paglalarawan sa naganap na pagpatay. Hangga’t maaari, huwag babanggitin ang lugar kung saan ito naganap. Iwasan din ang paggamit ng mga salitang dugo, baril, karumal-dumal, patay, at biktima. Dapat ganito:

Isang kagawad ng barangay ang nabuwal, nawalan ng malay at hindi na gumising pa matapos matalsikan ng anim na pirasong metal sa iba’t ibang bahagi ng kanyang katawan. Ang anim na metal ay mula sa itim na bagay na hawak ng dalawang lalaking napadaan sakay ng kalilinis pa lamang nilang motorbike. Naka-helmet ang dalawang lalaki bilang pagsunod sa ordinansa ng lungsod. Ang insidenteng hindi naman dapat gawin pang big deal ay naganap d’yan lang.

Third, managing grief. Ito ang pinakaimportante sa lahat. Tiyaking hindi lalabas na kaawa-awa ang mga kamag-anak ng biktima. Kung kailangang walang maramdamang emosyon sa ulat, mas mabuti. Dapat ganito:

Nang makita ng kanyang misis ang lalaking ‘di na nagising, ngumiti ito, tumingin sa langit, at nagpasalamat. Ayon sa ginang, “Panginoon, ikaw naman talaga ang may kagustuhan nito. Sino po ba ako para magreklamo? Tinatanggap ko ang pagkawala ng aking mister. Maraming salamat sa maigsing panahong siya ay aking nakasama. Love love love you beh saan ka man naroroon.”

Kung emosyonal man ang mga kamag-anak, siguraduhing pabor sa gobyerno ang kanilang sasabihin. Dapat ganito:

Nagdiwang ang mga kamag-anak ng kagawad nang malamang ‘di na ito nagising matapos tamaan ng anim na piraso ng metal sa iba’t ibang bahagi ng katawan. Ayon sa ‘di nagpakilalang tiyuhin nito, “Blessing ang nangyaring ito dahil matagal na namin siyang pasanin. Tiyak na magiging payapa at maunlad ang lugar namin dahil dudumugin ito ng mga negosyante. Mabuhay ka Tatay Digong!”

Lastly, the cops. Sila ang nasa forefront ng kampanya laban sa droga, dapat sila ang laging bida. Dapat ganito:

Bilang pakikisama sa magigiting na pulis na sumalakay sa isang squatters area, anim na hinihinalang tulak ng droga at limang hinihinalang drug addict ang naki-cooperate sa raiding team. Taos-puso silang humanay upang hindi na mahirapan pa ang mga awtoridad. Sa madaling salita, boluntaryo ang pagkamatay nila. Dinala na ang kanilang mga bangkay sa ‘di pinangalanang punerarya upang agarang ma-cremate.  

Sample Tabloid Story
KASAMA na ngayon ni Papa Jesus ang isang hinihinalang pusher matapos na boluntaryong magpatama ng hindi bababa sa sampung piraso ng metal sa kanyang katawan.

May ngiti pa sa mga labi ni Bongbong Calida habang yakap ng kanyang misis na malaki ang pasasalamat sa mga pulis dahil sa nangyari.

“Naniniwala po ako sa afterlife at alam kong hihintayin niya ako doon kaya hindi ako dapat malungkot,” paliwanag ng ginang.

Ang limang taong gulang na anak ni Calida ay nahagip din ng metal sa kanang braso. Ngunit nagpakita ng tapang ang bata matapos sabihan ng lider ng raiding team, “Nene, ‘wag kang umiyak o matakot. Parang kagat lang ng langgam ‘yan.”

Mula nang ilunsad ng administrasyong Duterte ang ‘war on drugs,’ dalawa lamang sa halos tatlong daang miyembro ng dalawang kapulungan ng Kongreso ang nagsalita laban dito. Ibig sabihin, mayorya ng mga senador at kongresista ay naniniwalang malapit na ngang maging next Singapore ang Pilipinas.

At press time, 20 raised to the third power na ang boluntaryong tumawid sa kabilang buhay upang makasama si Papa Jesus. #

Simula next year, ang short course na ito on alternative reporting ay opisyal nang isasama sa curriculum sa mga state colleges and universities sa bansa at tatawaging ‘Teology 101.’
“Don’t blame the messenger because the message is unpleasant.”
~Ken Starr

Sound Bites
“’Yung mga statements na ganoon, nahihirapan kaming i-sell ang Philippines so I hope we could kung puwede even… this does not only refer to VP Leni but also to the media to please medyo i-tone down natin yung [reports] on extrajudicial killings.”
~Tourism Sec. Wanda Tulfo-Teo

The New York Times:
“Violence in the house, violence in the school and violence in the neighborhood. That is why he is always angry. Because if you have pain when you are young, you are angry all the time.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: EJK: Reuters; Wanda Teo: GMA Network)


9 03 2017

  1. TAKE our latest news quiz slash survey. This time, there will be no wrong answers. You just have to read. Enjoy!

1: Galit na galit ang mga opisyal ng Malacañan nang mapanood ang teaser ng latest episode ng US TV series na ‘Madam Secretary.’ Ipinakita kasi rito ang panghihipo ng isang fictional Philippine president sa babaeng US Secretary of State. Bakit napikon nang todo ang mga taga-palasyo?
A: Ang pamagat kasi ng episode ay “President First (Dapat una si presidente)”
B: Sarcastic daw ang show dahil ang gumanap na presidente ay walang pores.
C: Ang CBS kung saan ipinapalabas ang ‘Madam Secretary’ ay “bias” at “dilawan.”
D: Mas katanggap-tanggap daw kasing maakusahang murderer kaysa manyak.

2: Sa teaser ng US TV series na ‘Madam Secretary,’ ipinakita ang pagsuntok ng bidang babae sa fictional Philippine president dahil sa panghihipo nito. Galit na galit ngayon ang palasyo at ang mga ka-DDS. Kung sa totoong buhay nangyari ang panghihipo, ano ang magiging reaksyon nila?
A: “Pilyo lang talaga si Tatay Digong. Wala siyang masamang intensyon.”
B: “Presidente ‘yan ‘no! Choosy ka pa girl? #PahipoGoals”
C: “Sinungaling ‘yan! ‘Di naman kagandahan, bakit ka hihipuan?!”

3: Kung may susuntukin pang fictional Filipino government official sa nasabi ring palabas, sino ang gusto mong isunod?
A: Manny Pacquiao
B: Vitaliano Aguirre
C: Martin Andanar
D: Bato De La Rosa
E. Alan Peter Cayetano
F: Honorable MTRCB Board Member Mocha Uson
G: “Bias” ang tanong na ito. Ang daming choices. Pagsabay-sabayin na lang mga ‘yan!

4: Noong Lunes, nilektyuran ni Manny Pacquiao ang self-confessed Davao Death Squad henchman na si retired police officer Arturo Lascañas tungkol sa “spiritual renewal.” Ayon kay Pacquiao, ang tao ay “spiritually renewed” kung:
A: Hindi na nakikiapid sa mga sexy celebrities
B: Hindi na nagsusugal sa casino
C: Hindi na nandadaya sa pagbabayad ng buwis
D: Quote nang quote ng Bible verses habang ipinagtatanggol ang death penalty at ipinagdidiinang ang lifestyle ng LGBT community ay mas masahol pa kaysa sa hayop.

5: Matapos mabistong nagsinungaling sa isyu ng US citizenship, ibinasura ng Commission on Appointments ang pagkakatalaga kay Perfecto Yasay bilang Foreign Affairs Secretary. Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Yasay?
A: “Bahagi ito ng destabilization plot laban kay Pangulong Duterte.”
B. “Kagagawan ito ng mga Amerikano dahil alam nilang mas close ako sa mga Chinese!”
C: “O ano Alan Peter Cayetano, masaya ka na?”

6: Nabasura ang appointment ni Perfecto Yasay. Sabi ng palasyo, papalitan na lang ito. Nabisto kasi ang kanyang PAGSISINUNGALING. Tanong:
A: Bakit nand’yan pa si Vitaliano Aguirre?
B: Anong ginagawa ni Mocha Uson sa MTRCB?
C: Hanggang kailan sa puwesto si Martin “$1,000” Andanar?

7: Matapos mangakong paninindigan niya ang kanyang anti-death penalty stance, biglang bumaligtad ang LGBT rights advocate at kinatawan ng Bataan na si Geraldine Roman. Bumoto ito pabor sa bill. Binabatikos tuloy siya ngayon ng mga netizens. Ano ba ang naging paliwanag niya?
A: “Kebs sa mga bashers! Mas feel ko na ngayong tsugiin ang mga criminals!”
B: “Imbey ako sa reporter na ‘yan ng PTV 4. Sa truth lang, I was misquoted last year. ‘Buti na lang walang nanonood sa kanila.”
C: “Pag nag-vote ako ng NO sa bill, wit ako gibsung ni House Speaker Alvarez ng datung. Waley akong boodjei para sa mga utaw sa probinsya. Baka Hindira Gandhi ako mare-reelect sa 2019. Afraidy aguilar!”

8: Sa Kamara, 216 ang bumoto pabor sa death penalty bill, at 54 lamang ang tumutol. Bakit?
A: Kasi nga, wala sa listahan ng heinous crimes ang plunder. Ibalik n’yo ang plunder, tiyak na tututulan ng mga ‘yan ang bitay.
B: Change had come: mula sa pagiging buwaya, naging tuta naman sila noong botohan.
C: Dahil sa totoo lang, mahihirap lang naman ang tiyak na mabibitay; ‘yong mga milyonaryo sa Kongreso, ligtas na ligtas ang mga ‘yan.

9: Ang LGBT rights advocate na si Geraldine Roman, pinaboran ang death penalty bill. Pero si dating First Lady Imelda Marcos, bumoto laban dito. Ano ang masasabi mo?
A: Buhay pa pala si Imelda?!?
B: Ilang taon na ba ‘yan, 200?!
C: Masamang damo, matagal mamatay.

10: Nagrereklamo si Dante Jimenez ng Volunteers Against Crime Corruption. Hindi raw dapat sa PNP Custodial Center sa Camp Crame na-detain si Sen. Leila De Lima kundi sa ordinaryong kulungan. Unfair daw ito. Ano ang definition ng “fair” para kay Jimenez?
A: Ang pagbibigay ng immunity at special privileges sa high-profile convicted drug lords na tumestigo laban kay De Lima
B: Ang espesyal na kulungan para sa mga akusadong plunderer na sina Bong Revilla at Jinggoy Estrada
C: Extrajudicial killing – kasi “Justice delayed is justice denied” kaya mas ok ‘yung patayin na agad ang mahihirap na ‘yan. Wala nang trial-trial pa! ‘Yan ang fair.

11: Inutusan ni Mocha Uson ang kanyang mga alagad na zombies at trolls na i-invade ang Twitter. Pero mukhang bigo silang makapaghasik ng lagim sa Twitterverse dahil:
A: Mas witty ang mga tao doon kaysa sa Facebook.
B: May automatic block button sa Twitter.
C: Hindi sila maka-express ng complete thought dahil sa Twitter, 140 characters or less lang ang allowed.

12: Earlier this week, nag-trend ang “Bernard Palanca” sa Twitter. Bakit?
A: Nagkaroon siya ng “spiritual renewal”
B: Inakusahan siya ng pananakal
C: Nakipag-duet siya ng ‘Flashlight’ kay Jessie J.
“Since governments take the right of death over their people, it is not astonishing if the people should sometimes take the right of death over governments.”
~Guy de Maupassant

Sound Bites
“I need not do that. Hindi na kailangan. I will not create a DDS, may police department ako.”
~President Duterte on his alleged ties with the so-called Davao Death Squad (DDS)

“Tell your brother, he killed a mountain.”
~DENR Sec. Gina Lopez to Cong. Ronnie Zamora during her confirmation hearing. 3/8/2017

That’s how you celebrate International Women’s Day!

[Photos: CBS Corp; Yasay: Geremy Pintolo/PhilStar; Roman: Jervis Manahan; Gina Lopez: Grig Montegrande/Inquirer]


21 02 2017

STARLET MOCHA USON has threatened to resign from the board of the MTRCB. On Facebook, the former sex blogger and adult performer slammed fellow board members for rejecting “change” in the agency. She also ranted against alleged lewd scenes in two ABS-CBN programs. Uson said, “Nakalulusot din ang mga malalaswang eksena na ipinagmamalaki pa ng mga TV network. Kung ayaw nila sa pagbabagong ito dahil sa may mga taong ayaw ng pagbabago, magre-resign po tayo.”

The other day, we caught up with the Queen of Duterte Trolls and Fanatics, and we’re sharing with you the transcript of our brief conversation with her. Ang susunod na panayam ay Rated SPG: Istriktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maselang tema, lenggwahe, karahasan, SEKSWAL, horror at droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.

MOCHA, kumusta ka na?

Ok lang naman. Ano po ba ang kailangan n’yo? Medyo busy po tayo sa pagsisilbi sa bayan eh.

Grabe naman. Nakakaisang tanong pa lang ako! Presidente ka?!?

Hindi naman sa ganun. Busy lang talaga. Ano na pong tanong?

Ang dami kasing naninibago sa ‘yo. Ikaw na raw yata ang biggest change in the world sa past 10 years.

Kailangan na po talaga kasi natin ng tunay na pagbabago. At naniniwala akong dapat itong simulan sa ating mga sarili.

Gusto ko lang balikan ang ilan mong tweets. Ipaliwanag mo na rin. Unahin na natin ang isang ito.


Kapag stressed ba, bumubukaka ka pa rin?

Hindi po ako magpapaka-ipokrito. Nami-miss ko rin naman ang pagbukaka lalo na ngayong mga panahong ito na super stressed ako. Pero mas importante na sa akin ngayon ang kapakanan ng ating bayan at ni Tatay Digong. So, hangga’t makakaya ko, pinipigilan ko.

Ano nang ginagawa mo kapag nai-stress ka?

Gumagawa na lang ako ng video para sa Facebook ko. Nagsusumbong ako sa followers ko at naglalabas ng sama ng loob sa kanila.

Ang dami mo pa ring naloloko ‘no?

Ano pong sabi n’yo?

Sabi ko, ang daming lokong-loko sa ganda mo.

Hindi naman po sa ganun. Mahal lang talaga ako ng mga Ka-DDS kaya kahit anong sabihin ko, paniwalang-paniwala sila. Bakit ka pa bubukaka kung marami namang napapaniwala?

May point ka. Punta na tayo sa iyong next tweet.


Ngayong nasa gobyerno ka na, isusulong mo pa rin ba ang National No Underwear Day?

Naku, mahirap po yata ‘yan lalo na kung kasama mo sa kuwarto si Tatay Digong. Medyo awkward na.

In short, change. Nagbago na rin ang isip mo, tama?

Tama po. Mas importante na si Pangulong Duterte kesa sa maaliwalas na pu**.

Ang bastos mo naman!

Pasensya na po. Nabigla lang. ‘Tsaka medyo na-miss ko ang ganung lenggwahe. Hihihi

Malibog ka ba?

Grabe s’ya! Baka nakakalimutan mo po, MTRCB board member na ako. Konting respeto naman.

May masama ba sa tanong ko?

Hindi po dapat ginagamit ang ganyang word kasi hindi ‘yan pambata. Baka may mga minor na nagbabasa ng interview na ito, nakakahiya.

Nahiya ka ba nang i-tweet mo ito?


May tanong pa ba kayo? Nagmamadali ako eh.

Galit na galit ka raw sa dalawang shows ng ABSCBN dahil may ipinapakitang kalaswaan?

Totoo po ‘yon. Ang ipinagtataka ko lang, bakit pumayag ang MTRCB na ipakita ang kalaswaang ‘yun? Inaabuso ng TV network na ‘yan ang SPG rating. Sa akin kasi, hindi dapat tinu-tolerate ang kababuyan sa telebisyon! WALANG LUGAR SA LIPUNAN ANG KALASWAAN!

Mabuhay ka Ka-DDS! Punung-puno ka talaga ng wisdom. ‘Note to self’ ba itong tweet mong ‘to?


Ayaw ko na pong patulan ‘yan. Sige po, aalis na ako.

Huling tanong na lang: Malaswa ba ang larawang ito?


Wala pong malaswa sa picture na ‘yan. Ang nakikita ko lang d’yan ay mukha ng tunay na pagbabago. Mabuhay ka Tatay Digong. Salamat po.

Wait! Super last na talaga. Sagutin mo na lang ang sarili mong tanong sa Twitter:


Ay grabe. Slut-shaming.

Anong slut-shaming? Huwag mong idamay ang mga slut! Nananahimik sila!

Ayoko pong sagutin. Masyadong malaswa. Walang lugar ang kalaswaan sa ating lipunan. Bye.
“The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that’s also a hypocrite!”
~Tennessee Williams

Sound Bites
“Ikaw naman. Nalaman ko, hindi ka um-attend ng board meeting. At pag andun ka naman, hindi ka naman daw vocal sa mga concerns mo. Sumbong ka na lang nang sumbong sa taumbayan ng mga reklamo mo. I-translate mo yang mga reklamo mo sa pagkilos kung gusto mo talaga ng tunay na pagbabago. Ganun dapat.”
~Showbiz reporter/manager Ogie Diaz to Mocha Uson


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: @MochaUson Tweets; Duterte: Grig Montegrandre/]


18 02 2017

ALLEGED pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles is in the news again. You already know why. The other day, reporters went to the Correctional Institution for Women to interview her. They found Napoles at the mini-grocery store inside the prison compound. She was buying some important stuff that day: 1) Soap 2) Sanitary napkin 3) Solicitor General.

Solicitor General Jose Calida, the chief government lawyer has exerted efforts to acquit alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles. Before the multibillion-peso scam was uncovered, Napoles was quoted to have said, “We own the government.” That was before her prison term. Apparently though, she has reclaimed it.

Earlier this week, Jose Calida said alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles was “innocent and must be freed.” That’s Jose Calida, the chief government lawyer, our Sold Gen. Sorry, I mean, Sol Gen.

Lest we forget…
Reposting an excerpt from Krissy’s ‘interview’ with Janet Lim-Napoles in 2013 while the ‘queen’ was in hiding.

Krissy: Hi Ms Janet! We’ll play a rapid trivia game. Sasagot ka lang sa mga questions ko. Kung anong unang pumasok sa isip mo, ‘yun ang sabihin mo. Game Ka Na Ba?

Janet Napoles: Game na!

Let’s start! Ano ang G sa NGO?


Bongga! Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… ”


I’ll accept that! NEXT: Sino ang tatay ni Kiefer Ravena?


Complete name please!

Bong Revilla! Ay, ano ba ‘yon? Sorry. Ravena pala!

Careful! NEXT: Kung ang beef ay galing sa baka, at ang venison ay galing sa usa, ang pork mo ay galing sa… ?


I said PORK, Janet!


PORK sabi eh!

Estrada? Ay, sorry Pareng Jinggoy. Nadulas lang.

Again, PORK. Last chance na!


Time’s up! Nakakaloka ka! Hindi kita kinaya.

* * * * *

Hidden Wealth
According to Sen. Antonio Trillanes, President Duterte had as much as P2.4 billion in bank deposits which he failed to declare in his SALN. The President vows to resign if Trillanes could prove his claim. Last year, Duterte also promised to resign if he fails to solve the country’s drug problem in 3 to 6 months. Duterte’s children said Trillanes’s allegation was recycled. Just like their father’s promise to resign.

Psych Test
President Duterte’s eldest son and Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte says Senator Trillanes should take a psychiatric test “as something is very very wrong with his mind.” Well, yeah. Because if there’s someone who should be familiar with nut cases, it has to be Rodrigo Duterte’s children.

Psych Test II
Paolo Duterte said Senator Trillanes must take take a psychiatric test “as something is very very wrong with his mind.” In response, Trillanes was like, “Hiyang-hiya naman ang sira ng ulo ko sa katinuan ng tatay mo!”

The Department of Justice has filed three cases against Sen. Leila de Lima, Ronnie Dayan and several others for alleged violation of the Comprehensive Dangerous Drugs Act. Good job Vitaliano Aguirre! Goodbye De Lima! Goodbye Dayan! Goodbye Immigration bribery scandal!

Cross Dressing
Expressing his opposition to the anti-discrimination bill during a Senate session, Manny Pacquiao said men should only dress as men and women should only dress as women. Then, he hurriedly left the building to catch a very long flight back to where he lives – the Dark Ages.

Death Penalty
Congressmen have removed plunder from the list of heinous crimes punishable with death. When asked why, the House Speaker said, “We can’t have empty session halls.”

New Continent?
Scientists recently announced the discovery of Zealandia, a hidden continent attached to New Zealand. Almost entirely submerged in water, the huge landmass qualifies as a continent scientists say. When it heard the news, Pluto advised Zealandia to not ‘celebrate’ just yet, “Just look what they did to me! #stillhurting #cantmoveon”

Scientists discovered a hidden continent. But President Duterte is skeptic. He said he would resign if scientists could prove Zealandia was indeed a continent.
“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“’Yung propaganda value ni Duterte, willing siyang mag-open, pero kung titingnan ang statement niya, wala sa posisyon ang AMLC to determine net worth. Kung talagang wala kang tinatago, Mr. President, sign a waiver. Buksan mo ang transaction history ng accounts mo. Hindi kita tatantanan, Mr. President.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes

“Even in the Bible, we can read na ang babae, dapat magsuot na pambabae; at ang lalaki, magsuot ng panlalaki.”
~Manny Pacquiao

2017 na. ‘Wag tanga.

Three lawyers who defended Janet Lim Napoles are staunch Duterte supporters. One of them is now a deputy commissioner of the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Napoles: Philippine Star; Paolo Duterte: Interaksyon; Zealandia: Sci-News.Com]


5 02 2017

PNP CHIEF Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa is not going anywhere. Last week, the President declined Bato’s offer to resign (for the second time) following the murder of a South Korean businessman outside his official residence in Camp Crame. With the President’s backing no less, Bato is looking forward to more ‘tokhang’ operations, more drug raids, and more concerts.

Dress Down/Push-up
Seven Pampanga cops who were allegedly involved in the robbery-extortion of Korean nationals got a tongue-lashing from PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa. On that day, Bato was in a different element. He was incensed. He was yelling. He was cursing. There were cameras everywhere. He was also on cue.

After scolding the seven cops and making them do stationary push-ups, a fuming PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa told police officials, “Dapat hindi nangyari ‘yan kung hindi kayo nagpabaya sa tao n’yo. Napapahiya na tayo sa mga Koreano!” To which, Filipinos said, “Sa amin, hindi?!?”

In case you didn’t see the video, here’s the transcript of Bato’s outburst.

Bato & the Police Officials
Bato: Pinabayaan n’yo ang mga tauhan n’yo! Nasaan kayo nang mang-extort sila? Nasaan?!?

Police Official: Definitely, wala sa concert Sir.


Police Official: Sinagot ko lang Sir ang tanong n’yo.

* * * * *

Bato & the Bad Cops
Bato: ‘Tang ina n’yo! Ang lakas ng loob n’yong manghablot ng Koreano.

Cop (murmurs): Kasi sabi ni Presidente, gawin naming lahat, protektado n’ya kami.

Bato: Pakiulit nga ang sinabi mo.

Cop: May sinabi ba ako Sir? Wala huh. Nananahimik ako.

* * * * *

Bato & the Bad Cops II
Bato: Sige, mag-push-up kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo. Ang lalakas ng loob n’yo! Sinisira n’yo ang pangalan ng PNP. Nagpulis kayo para magsindikato?! Nagpulis kayo para

Cop: Sir, sandali.

Bato: Patapusin mo ako. ‘Tang ina! Nagpulis kayo para mapahiya ang ating uniform?!?

Cop: Eh Sir…

Bato: Hindi pa ako tapos! Gusto ko kayong i-firing squad! ‘Tang ina n’yo! (pause) O, may sinasabi ka?

Cop: ‘Yun na nga Sir! Wala pa ‘yong mga camera, wala pang media.

Bato: ‘Tang ina. Ba’t di mo agad sinabi?! Sige, uulitin ko na lang! Push up kayo. ‘Tang ina n’yo. Ang lalakas ng loob n’yo! Sinisira n’yo…

Vitaliano Aguirre apologized to Senators Kiko Pangilinan, Leila De Lima and Antonio Trillanes for accusing them of using the Jack Lam-Bureau of Immigration bribery scandal to pin him down. Aguirre admitted the information he gathered about the three senators was “hearsay.” Among many of his other statements.

Hearsay II
Quoting a Senior Police Officer 1 who spoke on condition of anonymity, Amnesty International (a worldwide human rights organization and Nobel Peace Prize Awardee) reported that cops were being paid from P8,000 to P15,000 per kill in Duterte’s war on drugs. Duterte’s ally Richard Gordon said it was “hearsay.” Apparently, Gordon forgot the report came from Amnesty International; NOT from Vitaliano Aguirre.

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ Del Rosa said they’re looking into the possible involvement of a “Korean mafia” in the abduction and murder of Korean businessman Jee Ick Joo saying there’s “competition within the Korean community.” And the Korean community was like, “Bes, may nahuli na. Palusot pa talaga?!?”

PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ De La Rosa said they’re looking into the possible involvement of a “Korean mafia” in the abduction and murder of Jee Ick Joo. He can’t wait to scold the members of the mafia in front of TV cameras while making them do stationary push-ups.

Three policemen and four others who allegedly abducted and murdered Korean businessman Jee Ick Joo have been detained and charged. The other day though, General Bato said they’re looking into the involvement of “a Korean mafia.” Now, THAT’S hearsay.

“Lost Cause”
Vice President Leni Robredo says she’s got no time for trolls because they’re “a lost cause who have already made a judgment.” When Mocha Uson heard this, she said, “Mga Ka-DDS, ‘kita n’yo na ang katamaran ng bise presidenteng ‘yan? Sasagot lang sa trolls hindi pa magawa?!”

President Duterte scolded his youngest son, Baste for spending more time with starlet Ellen Adarna. It turned out Baste has another partner, model Kate Necesario, the mother of his son. The President told Baste, “Hindi ka na umuuwi, lagi kang naroon sa iba mong babae!” Duterte first heard those very same words from Elizabeth Zimmerman 20 years ago.
“Corrupt and incompetent police officers have a long history of being protected by their colleagues, police internal affairs and the government.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“Acting on instructions from the very top of government, the Philippines police have killed and paid others to kill thousands of alleged drug offenders in a wave of extrajudicial executions that may amount to crimes against humanity.”
~Amnesty International on Duterte’s war on drugs

Why are we not surprised?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bato: PNP PIO; Vitaliano Aguirre: ABSCBN News; Baste Duterte and Ellen Adarna: Brandphoria on IG]


19 01 2017

MANNY PACQUIAO defended his pro-death penalty stance by saying, “Even Jesus Christ nga nasentensyahan ng kamatayan dahil government talaga ang nag-impose ng kamatayan.” The statement has prompted surgeons all over the world to conclude that boxing is extremely dangerous to your mental health.

According to Manny Pacquiao, God gave our government the “right” to impose the death penalty.” Dear Manny Pacquiao, we don’t need a death penalty law. Every time you open your mouth on issues, we die.

The Philippine government has ordered Internet Service Providers to block public access to adult web sites. But Malacañang says those who are into the obscene and the vulgar may still watch the replay of last year’s Congressional hearing on Sen. Leila De Lima’s sex life.

The National Telecommunications Office confirms it has ordered all ISPs to block public access to porn sites. In totally unrelated news, President Duterte’s approval rating among males has dropped to an all-time low.

Zubiri vs. Trillanes
A heated exchange erupted between Miguel Zubiri and Antonio Trillanes on Tuesday at the Senate (See video). Trillanes said Zubiri cheated in the 2007 elections. Zubiri said Trillanes was charged with rebellion and treason. The two lawmakers almost came to blows but other senators intervened except for Manny Pacquiao who said, “Kung sina Cain at Abel nga na magkapatid, pinayagan ni God na mag-away, senador pa kaya?”

In case you missed it… Zubiri vs. Trillanes:
Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war.

Zubiri: If you pick a fight with me, I’ll fight.

Trillanes: This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing.

Trillanes: Umabot talaga dun?!? Literal na fight?!?


Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war. This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing. If you want to fight, tell me how you want to fight.

Trillanes: Kasasabi mo lang na ‘arnis’ ‘tapos ngayon ‘tell me how you want to fight.’ Labo mo huh!


Trillanes: If you want to declare war, then you should be prepared to have war. This representation will not back down.

Zubiri: Mabait akong tao and people know me. I am one of the most amiable senators of this chamber. But if you pick a fight with me, I’ll fight. I did not become world champion in arnis for nothing.

Trillanes: Ano ‘to slam book?!? Merong describe yourself?!? May sports and hobbies?!?


Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nandaya ka noong 2007?

Zubiri: Sus! Ikaw nga nakasuhan ng rebellion!

Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nag-resign ka nga noong 2011 dahil nabistong nandaya?

Zubiri: Sus! Ikaw nga nakasuhan ng treason!

Trillanes: Eh ‘di ba nga nachismis ka pang bakla noon?

Zubiri: Stick tayo sa isyu ng eleksyon. ‘Wag kang ano d’yan!

A day after journalists quoted President Duterte as saying no one could stop him from declaring martial law “if I wanted to,” his communications chief, Martin Andanar blamed the media for ‘misreporting’ the statement. He also described the news reports as “the height of journalistic irresponsibility.” Even President Duterte was like, “OA na ang kasipsipan huh!”

Martin Andanar blamed the media for “misreporting” President Duterte’s latest remark on martial law. Andanar said the headlines “sow confusion to many.” Apparently, he hates competition. ‘Coz, you know, when it comes to sowing confusion, they’re the experts.

Sen. Antonio Trillanes has urged the Senate committee on public information to investigate the so-called social media trolls amid the proliferation of fake news and false information online. Martin Andanar is on top of the list of invitees.

After doing a review on social media, the Center for Media Freedom and Responsibility said there’s an “all too tight” connection between the alleged plot to oust the President and the president’s own communication team. Which, is not surprising since the members of the president’s own communication team includes Martin Andanar, Mocha Uson, Sass Sassot and Duterte’s cybertrolls.

Miss U
Pre-pageant activities for this year’s Miss Universe contest are underway. The candidates have been travelling all over the country. Everyone is having a good time… except for Chavit Singson who is having a great time.
“In a society run by terror, no statements whatsoever can be taken seriously. They are all forced, and it is the duty of every honest man to ignore them.”
~ Milan Kundera

Sound Bites
“You cannot falsely accuse the profession of misreporting by peddling brazenly outrageous lies.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines to Martin Andanar

Serves you right.

How to defend our democracy
#5. Be calm when the unthinkable arrives.
When the terrorist attack comes, remember that all authoritarians at all times either await or plan such events in order to consolidate power. Think of the Reichstag fire. The sudden disaster that requires the end of the balance of power, the end of opposition parties, and so on, is the oldest trick in the Hitlerian book. Don’t fall for it.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao: Associated Press; Senate Rumble: Philippine Star; Martin Andanar:; Miss Universe: @65thmissuniverse on IG]

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