SONA 2019 FAST FACTS: CHANGE HAS COME

The live telecast of the address will have Mandarin subtitles.

Twitter and Instagram: @hecklerforever8

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BREAKING: MGA KA-DDS NILAYASAN ANG FACEBOOK

Banned by Facebook for posting fake news and black propaganda, online supporters of Duterte and Marcos will transfer to Friendster.

FRIENDS OF THE DEVIL

It’s official. According to the University of the Philippines, Imee Marcos did not graduate from UP Diliman.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

OF PANTIES AND PAY HIKES

President Duterte is getting a generous pay hike. Can you guess how much does he make a month?











UNCENSORED: DUTERTE’S XMAS MESSAGE

“To my countrymen… ”
(Meaning: Sa mga gagong naniniwala pa rin sa akin)

PRESIDENT DUTERTE’S Christmas message was written in English. Here’s the original version – and what he really meant (in Filipino).

1D

To my countrymen,
(Sa mga gagong naniniwala pa rin sa akin),

My sincerest and most heartfelt greetings to all Filipinos, both here and abroad, as we celebrate Christmas.
(Marami-rami pa rin kayo. My gad, i hate draaaags.)

Once again, it is the time of the year where we honor, gather our families and friends to celebrate the nativity of Jesus, share life’s many blessings and demonstrate our love and gratitude for each other.
(Unang-una, ‘yung isturya sa Bible, gawa-gawa lang ‘yan. Sa’n ka nakakita ng nabuntis na virgin? Gago! ‘Tang ina. Tapos ‘yung tala sa langit, gumalaw daw kaya sinundan ng mga hari. Ulol! May lumalakad bang star? Stupid story!)

As we take part in this joyous occasion…
(Magsaya na kayo hangga’t buhay pa kayo mga gago! Mga addict sa druga!)

May we contemplate on the worth of the lessons that we can learn from the narrative of Christ’s birth.
(Ang lesson dun, ‘wag kang mag-druga. Nabuntis ng iba tapos inako mo ang bata, eh di nagdruga ka. Adik yata ‘yung Joseph na ‘yun!)

Let the ideas of compassion…
(Kung kumpare mo, kaawaan mo. Kaya si Peter Lim, malaya pa rin.)

Kindness…
(Pati si Bong Revilla, nakalabas na.)

And reconciliation…
(Kita n’yo, magkapartido na ang Marcos at Cayetano!)

… guide us as we embrace our countrymen in the spirit of shared humanity.
(Drug addicts are not humans! I repeat, DRUG ADDICTS ARE NOT HUMANS.)

Together let us bring hope and peace in our nation this Yuletide season…
(Iboto n’yo straight ang Hugpong ng Pagbabago. Pa-Pasko n’yo na sa akin.)

… as we welcome the coming year with much hope and optimism.
(‘Pag may nanalo d’yang Dilawan, sabihin ko sa inyo, mag-resign man ako. I am not kidding. Iwanan ko kayo. Pagod na rin ako. Bahala kayo sa buhay n’yo!)

I wish everyone a happy and meaningful Christmas.
(Mga gago! Maniwala man kayo sa Christmas, Christmas na ‘yan. Niloloko lang kayo ng mga putang inang bishops na ‘yan para kumita sila. Dapat talaga patayin na lang ‘yang mga dimonyong ‘yan!)

—-END—-

IMELDA, ‘ANG PROBINSYANO,’ AND POWER NAPS

Mrs. Marcos skipped the promulgation because she was reportedly sick that day – although she partied that same night.

Originally published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Nov. 18, 2018.

Imelda

A NEW research published in the journal, Pediatrics revealed that most babies (57 percent) do not sleep through the night. That explains why President Duterte missed those events at the ASEAN Summit.

Last Wednesday, President Duterte skipped several events at the 33rd ASEAN Summit in Singapore. His spokesman said he “took power naps.” To be fair, Duterte’s absence in those events was the country’s brightest moment during the five-day summit.

______________________

Imelda Marcos has been found guilty of seven counts of graft. But the former First Lady is still running for governor of Ilocos Norte next year because she “wants to serve” her constituents. She can actually do something even better: serve her prison term.

Mrs. Marcos failed to attend the promulgation of the guilty verdict saying she was “suffering from multiple organ infirmities.” Even her organs are sick of her.

Mrs. Marcos skipped the promulgation because she was reportedly sick that day – although she partied that same night. Then on Friday, she claimed she didn’t know about the promulgation at all. Do you remember the saying, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw?” In some cases, “Ang sinungaling at magnanakaw ay iisa lang.”

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Last Friday, the Sandiganbayan allowed Imelda Marcos to post P150,000 bail for her provisional liberty – giving her yet another reason to party.

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Imelda is already 89 years old. According to a medical certificate from the St. Luke’s Medical Center, she has seven ailments. And yet, she’s still very strong and full of life. Some say it’s stem cell. Others believe it’s formalin.

______________________

The former First Lady has yet to release an official statement on the Court’s ruling. But some sympathizers have expressed their support for her like Quezon 3rd District Rep. Danilo Suarez, Sen. Cynthia Villar, and the Philippine National Police.

______________________

PNP chief Director General Oscar Albayalde got flak for making comments on the impending arrest of Mrs. Marcos. Albayalde said, “Baka magalit sa atin, matanda na. May edad na kasi.” Thank you Sir for letting us know who was being referred to in the PNP motto, “To serve and protect.”

______________________

The PNP chief gave us the impression it would be difficult to arrest Imelda because of health, age, and the fact that her last name is neither De Lima nor Trillanes.

______________________

Amid the barrage of criticisms being hurled against him on the Imelda Marcos issue, PNP chief Oscar Albayalde complained about ‘Ang Probinsyano,’ the most popular primetime series today. The distraction worked. We all fell for it. Congratulations!

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The PNP chief scored the negative depiction of policemen in the primetime series. Albayalde said the portrayal is unfair to the police force. “I so agree,” said Imelda Marcos.

PNP chief Oscar Albayalde insists the inaccurate depiction of cops in the primetime series gives a bad impression of police officers. Albayalde should be thankful. The impression would have been a lot worse if the depiction was truly accurate.

______________________

Former Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay claimed he was cheated in the 2016 presidential elections. (No need for a punchline.)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“It is the common people’s duty to police the police.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“Itong Australyano di ko maintindihan. Ang invitation eh ‘informal’ breakfast…Unang una hindi ako kumakain ng breakfast… Pangalawa, informal. Ano ipakakain nila sa atin? Kangaroo?”
~Rodrigo Duterte on skipping the ASEAN-Australia informal breakfast

Nope, they won’t serve you kangaroo. They’ll offer you rabies vaccine.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

[Photos: Duterte: South China Morning Post; Ang Probinsyano: PhilStar; Imelda Marcos: Associated Press]

UNAIRED INTERVIEW: VICE GANDA GRILLS SOLICITOR GENERAL JOSE CALIDA

Teka lang. Akala ko ba galit ka rin kay Trillanes? Bakit parang ini-imply mong corrupt ako?

00000VG

Welcome po sa GGV, Mr. Solicitor General!

Isang malaking karangalan ang mag-guest dito. Maraming salamat sa pag-invite mo sa akin, Vice.

Actually, office ho n’yo ang nakiusap sa management na i-guest kayo dito.

Hehehe Palabiro ka talaga Vice.

Hindi po ako nagbibiro. ‘Yun ang sabi ng boss namin.

Baka isipin nila totoo ang sinasabi mo.

Totoo ho ‘yon. May letter pa nga ho kayo.

Sige, sige… para matigil ka na lang, let’s pretend na staff ko nga ang nakiusap. Para tapos na.

Naku Sir. Let’s not pretend. Kasi kayo ho talaga ang sumulat. Pirmado n’yo ang letter of request. Ang kulit!

Kaya ikaw ang number 1 comedian ngayon eh. Magaling kang magbiro.

Magmamaang-mangan na lang ho ba tayo buong gabi o itutuloy natin ang interview?

Nandito na rin lang ako, siyempre gusto kong ituloy ang interview.

Napanood n’yo ho ba ang guesting dito ni Harry Roque?

Hindi eh. Pero regular viewer mo ako Vice. Kung wala rin lang akong ginagawa ‘pag Sabado nang gabi, pinapanood talaga kita.

Linggo ho ang GGV.

Alam ko. ‘Yun nga ang sinabi ko.

Sabado ho ang sinabi n’yo.

Linggo ang sinabi ko.

Kasasabi n’yo lang na Sabado. Kahit i-playback pa ho natin. Wala kayong sinabing Linggo.

Let’s pretend na Sabado nga ang sinabi ko. Pero fan mo talaga ako.

Nambola pa ang ‘king inang to.

Narinig ko ‘yun.

Ipinarinig ko ho talaga.

Ok.

Malapit na po ang Halloween. Kung bibili po kayo ng Halloween costume, bakit pa?

What do you mean, “Bakit pa?”

Ano ‘to? Magpi-pretend na naman tayong ‘di n’yo naintindihan ang tanong?

Paki-rephrase na lang.

Ganito na lang. Kapag nananalamin ho ba kayo, hindi n’yo sinisisi ang Diyos?

Alam mo, tayong lahat ay mahal ng Diyos at naniniwala akong pare-pareho ang tingin n’ya sa atin.

Hindi ho ako papayag. HINDI AKO PAPAYAG na ang tingin sa akin at tingin sa ‘yo ng Diyos ay pareho!

Opinyon mo ‘yan Vice.

Sila rin ho, ang ating studio audience.

[Studio Audience: Kurek!]

* * * * * * *

Anyway, punta na tayo sa mga isyu. Nanalo ho sa Makati RTC si Senator Trillanes, talo kayo. Napasimangot ho ba kayo nang marinig n’yo ang balita?

Siyempre naman. Tayo ang nagsimula niyan eh.

Paano n’yo ho nalamang nakasimangot kayo?

Anong tanong ‘yan?

I mean, nakikita n’yo pa ba ang difference kung nakasimangot kayo o hindi?

Kanina ka pa Vice. Bakit ‘di mo na lang ako diretsuhin: pangit kayo!

Kayo ho ang nagsabi niyan, hindi ako. And to be fair to me, hindi ko inisip na pangit kayo.

Salamat naman kung gano’n.

Charot lang. Hihihi

Matagal pa ba?

Nagmamadali ho kayo? May naghihintay na Grab sa labas? Sandali na lang ho. Sabi sa news, ‘di na raw kayo magsasampa ng motion for reconsideration sa Makati RTC at diretso na raw kayo sa Court of Appeals. Sino po sa tingin n’yo ang mas may appeal, ‘yung court o si Senator Trillanes.

Siyempre ‘yung Court. Sus, walang sinabi ‘yang unggoy na si Trillanes ‘no!

Wooooow. Kung unggoy ho si Trillanes,

‘Wag mo nang ituloy. Babalik na naman sa akin ‘yan.

Ang brilliant n’yo! Paano n’yo nalaman? Hihihi Anyway, sabi sa research, mula raw nang maupo kayo sa gobyerno, nakakuha ang inyong security agency ng 16 government contracts worth 358.3 million pesos! Samakatuwid

Vice, there is nothing wrong or unlawful with that!

Sandali lang, wala pa ho akong tanong. Ang tanong ko: bakit hindi namin dapat paniwalaan ang research?

Ibahin mo ang tanong Vice.

So, totoo pala ang research?

Again, I see nothing wrong with that. Ano bang masama sa pagnenegosyo? Kahit naman ikaw Vice, may negosyo ‘di ba?

Pero hindi ho sa gobyerno. ‘Yung kinukubra n’yo, pera ‘yun ng gobyerno.

Teka lang. Akala ko ba galit ka rin kay Trillanes? Bakit parang ini-imply mong corrupt ako?

Wala ho akong ini-imply.

‘Buti naman.

Sinasabi ko mismo.

Na corrupt ako?!?

Kayo ho ang nagsabi niyan.

Mahaba na ang interview na ‘to.

Sandali na lang ho. May babasahin lang akong mean tweets tapos mag-comment kayo. Heto ang una.

1CalidaTweet2

Ano hong masasabi n’yo?

No comment ako d’yan kasi hindi ako book.

Eh ano ho? Bukbok? Charot! Next tweet ho.

1CalidaTweet

Nasubukan n’yo na bang magpa-Belo?

No way! Ang nagpapa-Belo lang, ‘yung mga taong insecure at kulang sa self-confidence!

Taraaaay! Iba rin ang confidence n’yo Sir. Hiyang-hiya naman si Enrique Gil sa kutis n’yo. O, last na ‘to!

1CalidaTweet3

‘Yung totoo po, nasasaktan pa ba kayo kapag tinatawag na pangit?

Sabi nga nila, “the truth hurts.” Hindi ako naha-hurt. Kapag hindi ka naha-hurt o napipikon, ibig sabihin, hindi totoo ang sinasabi nila.

Eh ‘pag sinasabihan ho kayong corrupt?

Putang ina nila! Mga hindot na ‘king inang putang inang mga ‘yan; mga demonyong dilawan! Mamatay na kayo mga putang ina n’yo! Mga walanghiya! Mga hayop! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck you!

Maraming salamat Sir! Palakpakan naman natin, Solicitor General Jose Calida.

[APPLAUSE]

Watch the full on interview on GGV on November 31, 2018 after Rated K.
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“Whoever is detected in a shameful fraud is ever after not believed even if they speak the truth.”
~Phaedrus

Sound Bites
“A victory for justice, rule of law and democracy for the country.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV on Judge Andres Soriano’s ruling

Ballsy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8.

[Photos: ABS-CBN News]

YOU’RE FIRED!

MEMES: Duterte goes shopping; Mocha gets fired and appears on Rated K; Gordon saves Calida and more!

PRESIDENT DUTERTE goes shopping in Hong Kong. Mocha gets fired. Harry Roque is a no-show in his own press briefing. Richard Gordon refuses to investigate Calida. Mar Roxas’s wife cozies up to the purveyor of fake news. Everyday gets crazier under the Duterte administration. Here are some picture memes I created on the latest headlines.

Harry and Friends

Harry on Leave

Duterte Biopsy

Duterte Shopping

Duterte Green

Mocha Fired

Mocha BBM Boss

Mocha Korina

CJ De Castro

Calida and Gordon

Duterte Leni
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“It’s time to care; it’s time to take responsibility; it’s time to lead; it’s time for a change; it’s time to be true to our greatest self; it’s time to stop blaming others.”
~Steve Maraboli

Sound Bites
“Hindi ko ugali ang mamulitika; mas gusto kong tahimik na magtrabaho. Pero sasabihin ko ito ngayon: ang tapang, lakas, at diskarte, hindi nadadaan sa mapanirang salita. Ang kailangan ng taumbayan ay tapang sa gawa.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

#Burn

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I am on Twitter: @hecklerforever8

[Photos: Inquirer.net; SAP Bong Go; RTVM]

PLAYFUL (MY FOOT)

Palace spokesman Harry Roque says the “foremost priority” of the Duterte administration right now is “fighting inflation.” In case you’re not aware, inflation was arrested last week on rehashed rebellion charges but was released after posting bail.

This article was first published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Sept. 30, 2018.

In a speech in Malacañang, President Duterte admitted, “My only sin is extrajudicial killings.” And then he said, “I’m not under oath, am I?”

Defending Duterte’s statement, Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo said, “He’s Bisaya.” PNP Chief Oscar Albayalde said it was uttered “because of frustration” while former senator Juan Ponce Enrile insisted, “Only one was killed and none was arrested in Duterte’s war on drugs.”

Everyone expected palace spokesman Harry Roque to say that President Duterte was just joking. But in a radio interview, Roque said the President was just being “playful.” And then he went on to thank his friend who gave him a new thesaurus on his last birthday.

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According to President Duterte, drug dependents were to blame for the country’s rice crisis. In a joint statement, Agriculture and NFA officials denied they were drug dependents.

President Duterte joked that recovering drug dependents, whom he described as “mga ulol” (crazed) were to blame for the country’s rice crisis because they have started eating again. Recovering drug dependents then expressed alarm when Duterte added, “I will appoint Ozamiz City Police Chief Jovie Espenido to the NFA.”

I just noticed there’s Duterte, a joke, drug dependent, and ulol in one sentence. Apologies for the redundancy.

In his next speech, the President will try to figure out a way to blame the peso’s slump on drug addicts.

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Palace spokesman Harry Roque says the “foremost priority” of the Duterte administration right now is “fighting inflation.” In case you’re not aware, inflation was arrested last week on rehashed rebellion charges but was released after posting bail.

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Solicitor General Jose Calida has threatened to file a libel complaint against Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV if the senator “doesn’t express his sincere apology” for accusing him of stealing his amnesty application documents. Calida insists he is not a thief. Is he being playful too?

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Last September 12, President Duterte revealed an alleged plot to oust him on Sept. 21. Nothing happened. This week, the military said there was a plot to bring down Duterte in October (calling it ‘Red October’) and another in November and one more in December. So far, two “leaders” of the alleged plot to eliminate Duterte are being monitored. They were identified as Buerger and Barrett.

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Former senate president Aquilino Pimentel Jr. advised Communications Assistant Sec. Mocha Uson to stop meddling in the government’s federalism campaign and go back to showbiz instead. In response, ‘showbiz’ said, “We already have Robin Padilla. We can only take so much.”

Sources told Inquirer Lifestyle editor Lito Zulueta that Mocha Uson would resign from the Presidential Communications Operations Office “anytime soon.” Mocha has yet to inform her boss about her decision but she’s confident Bongbong Marcos will understand.

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Chinese-backed Maldivian President Abdulla Yameen, the tyrannical leader who jailed political rivals on dubious charges lost his re-election bid earlier this week. Yameen appeared on television to concede. He was flanked by his two sons, Baste Yameen and Pulong Yameen.
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“A guilty conscience needs no accuser.”
~Anonymous

Sound Bites
“Extraordinary statement by a Head of State (and we have had many this week at the UN): my ‘only’ sin is #EJK. Translation: my only sin is imposing unthinkable sufferings on 1000s of vulnerable families, emboldening corrupt policing, destroying rule of law.”
~Agnes Callamard, United Nations special rapporteur

Truth.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8