SALE! POLITICAL FIRECRACKERS 75% OFF!

Try some of out best-sellers: Duterte Firecracker, Quiboloy Firecracker, Cayetano Firecracker, and Mocha Firecracker!
75% off until December 30!

A QUICK GUIDE to some of the more popular firecrackers being sold in the Philippines. Buy at your own risk.

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Here’s the text version.

Duterte Firecracker

Ito ang pinakamapaminsalang paputok sa nakalipas na tatlong taon. Mabentang-mabenta pa rin sa mga Pinoy kahit napakarami nang namatay at nasugatan. Walang nakakaalam kung kailan matatauhan ang mga consumers sa perwisyong dulot nito.

Cayetano Firecracker

Maraming Pinoy ang nagreklamong palpak daw ang paputok na ito. Nagalit ang exclusive distributor nito at nagbantang kakasuhan ang mga “naninira.” Recently, tinanghal na Best Firecracker ang Cayetano firecracker. Ang nagbigay ng award ay ang mismong distributor nito.

Bonggo Firecracker

Kapag bibili ka ng Duterte Firecracker, may kasamang libreng paputok – ito ang Bonggo firecracker. Popular pero walang value kasi nga, giveaway lang.

Sotto Firecracker

Huwag mo nang sindihan ang paputok na ito kung ayaw mong masira ang araw mo. Kung anu-ano kasi ang lumalabas na sound na nakakabobo.

Leni Firecracker

Ang paputok na safe. Hindi siya gusto ng iba dahil mahina raw ang sabog. Matindi at walang tigil ang paninira rito ng ibang manufacturers para hindi tangkilikin ng consumers.

Mandarambong Firecracker

Na-ban na ito sa market pero magbabalik daw ngayong 2020 kaya maraming consumers ang nagagalit. Nananawagan silang i-boycott ang paputok na ito.

Panelo Firecracker

Makulay ang wrapper ng paputok na ito pero mabubuwisit ka lang sa nalilikha nitong sound. Takpan mo na lang ang tainga mo.

Bongbong Firecracker

Ginamit ang paputok na ito sa nakaraang Philippine International Pyromusical Competition. Hindi na-impress ang panel of judges. Natalo ang manufacturer pero dahil hindi nito matanggap ang pagkatalo, nagsampa ng protesta.

Imelda Firecracker

Maraming Filipino ang nabiktima ng paputok na ito. Noon ay nahinto na ang pagbebenta rito pero tagumpay na nakabalik at ngayon ay tinatangkilik na naman ng mga ignoranteng consumers.

Bato Firecracker

Sa start, maingay ang firecracker na ito pero habang nauubos ang sindi, may maririnig kang parang iyak sa dulo. Ito ang pumalit sa paputok na crying cow.

Cynthia Firecracker

Ang paputok na pangmayaman lang. Kung hindi n’yo kayang bumili ng Cynthia Firecracker, mag-watusi na lang kayo!

De Lima Firecracker

Iniutos ng gobyerno ang pag-ban sa paputok na ito kahit walang sapat na basehan. Pati ibang bansa ay nanawagan na ng pag-lift sa ban.

Faeldon Firecracker

Ilang beses nang na-ban sa market pero ilang ulit ding ibinalik. Malakas sa gobyerno ang manufacturer nito.

Enrile Firecracker

Kapag sinindihan, hindi mamatay-matay.

Tulfo Firecracker

Gustong-gusto ito ng masa. Kahit nakakasakit na ng ibang tao, mabenta pa rin. Last year alone, kumita ng 60 million pesos ang manufacturer nito.

Persida Firecracker

Ang paputok na naghahasik ng takot sa publiko.

Mocha Firecracker

Here’s a testimonial from a buyer: “Ang lakas po! Grabeng lakas. Hindi naman po masyadong malakas. Sakto lang po. Parang baril na mas malakas po.”

Mocha Firecracker 2

‘Wag n’yo nang bilhin. Malamang fake ‘yan.

Quiboloy Firecracker

Ang pinaka-weird na paputok. Tumitigil ang pagputok nito kapag sinabihan mong, “ISTAHP!”

THE BARRETTO SERYE AND OTHER STORIES

Atong Ang also confirmed the authenticity of a viral photo of him holding hands with Gretchen Barretto while sleeping on a plane.

To those who asked, here’s the text version:

BREAKING: TIME Magazine has officially announced its first ever choice for Domestic Partner of the Year. The vote was unanimous. Congratulations to Filipino businessman Tonyboy Cojuangco.

Businessman Charlie ‘Atong’ Ang confirmed President Duterte tried to reconcile feuding sisters, Gretchen and Marjorie Barretto. He failed. Duterte vows to give it a second try and if he doesn’t succeed, he will resign.

Amid reports linking him to at least three Barretto women, Atong Ang claims he’s a “happily married man.” Imagine what would happen if he’s no longer happy with his marriage.

Atong Ang also confirmed the authenticity of a viral photo of him holding hands with Gretchen Barretto while sleeping during a flight overseas. Here’s a lesser-known fact: Atong Ang’s wife and Tonyboy Cojuangco both hated the 2006 movie, “Snakes on A Plane.”

Just a couple of days after its 18-minute exclusive interview with actress Marjorie Barretto, TV Patrol had another exclusive: a 13-minute interview with businessman Charlie ‘Atong Ang’ who has been romantically-linked to three Barretto women. Those interviews have fueled speculations TV Patrol is changing its title to The Buzz (TB) Patrol.

Marjorie Barretto has finally admitted she fell in love, and had an affair with former Caloocan City Mayor RECOM ECHIVERRI – giving so much hope to so many men out there.

Marjorie Barretto said her father died of

acute respiratory failure. But Gretchen Barretto insisted he died of heart attack. Watching them though, it’s possible the old man died of disappointment.

In other news…

After cutting short his recent Japan visit due to “unbearable pain,” President Duterte went to see a neurologist to have his spinal column checked. But things got really awkward when the neurologist started talking about Duterte’s policy on China and then told him, “Mr. President, I have nothing to check since you don’t have spine.”

President Duterte went to see a neurologist to have his spinal column checked. Malacaٌang says he needs to stay healthy to continue serving the country. He’ll do an even greater service to Filipinos if would have his brain examined too.

President Duterte has a new chief justice in the Supreme Court. He appointed Associate Justice Diosdado Peralta of Ilocos Norte to the post replacing Lucas Bersamin. Shortly after the appointment was announced, the Marcoses threw a victory party.

With Peralta as Chief Justice, Duterte spokesman Salvador Panelo expects the judiciary to uphold the principles of “integrity” and “independence.”

Of course, that was just another classic Panelo joke.

The Philippine Star reported that processed meat products of Mekeni Food Corporation such as hotdogs, longganisa and tocino tested positive for African swine fever or ASF. Health officials say ASF is not a risk on human health. But it definitely poses a risk on Mekeni’s business.

Health experts have previously issued a statement saying African swine fever only affects members of the pig family. That probably explains why congressmen are so worried.

New Zealand-based Filipino marine geophysicist, Jenny Anne Barretto and two others have reportedly discovered the existence of what could possibly be the largest caldera in the word. A caldera is a large crater formed when a volcano erupts and collapses. No, this post is not about President Duterte.

With a diameter of 150 kilometers, the Apolaki Caldera, which was discovered within the Benham Rise, is larger than America’s Yellowstone. What a discovery! What an achievement! To know that a Barretto was part of the team that discovered the caldera is an even bigger achievement.

•••

I’m on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

Exclusive: UPCAT ESSAY QUESTIONS LEAKED

Tatlong hayop na ang nag-interrupt sa speech ni Duterte: ipis, langaw, at tuko. Batay sa physical appearance niya ngayon, anong hayop ang sunod na lalapit sa kanya?

Here are the leaked UPCAT essay questions. Good luck examinees!

——-

i’m on twitter and IG: @hecklerforever8

BREAKING: MGA KA-DDS NILAYASAN ANG FACEBOOK

Banned by Facebook for posting fake news and black propaganda, online supporters of Duterte and Marcos will transfer to Friendster.

FRIENDS OF THE DEVIL

It’s official. According to the University of the Philippines, Imee Marcos did not graduate from UP Diliman.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

OF PANTIES AND PAY HIKES

President Duterte is getting a generous pay hike. Can you guess how much does he make a month?











UNCENSORED: DUTERTE’S XMAS MESSAGE

“To my countrymen… ”
(Meaning: Sa mga gagong naniniwala pa rin sa akin)

PRESIDENT DUTERTE’S Christmas message was written in English. Here’s the original version – and what he really meant (in Filipino).

1D

To my countrymen,
(Sa mga gagong naniniwala pa rin sa akin),

My sincerest and most heartfelt greetings to all Filipinos, both here and abroad, as we celebrate Christmas.
(Marami-rami pa rin kayo. My gad, i hate draaaags.)

Once again, it is the time of the year where we honor, gather our families and friends to celebrate the nativity of Jesus, share life’s many blessings and demonstrate our love and gratitude for each other.
(Unang-una, ‘yung isturya sa Bible, gawa-gawa lang ‘yan. Sa’n ka nakakita ng nabuntis na virgin? Gago! ‘Tang ina. Tapos ‘yung tala sa langit, gumalaw daw kaya sinundan ng mga hari. Ulol! May lumalakad bang star? Stupid story!)

As we take part in this joyous occasion…
(Magsaya na kayo hangga’t buhay pa kayo mga gago! Mga addict sa druga!)

May we contemplate on the worth of the lessons that we can learn from the narrative of Christ’s birth.
(Ang lesson dun, ‘wag kang mag-druga. Nabuntis ng iba tapos inako mo ang bata, eh di nagdruga ka. Adik yata ‘yung Joseph na ‘yun!)

Let the ideas of compassion…
(Kung kumpare mo, kaawaan mo. Kaya si Peter Lim, malaya pa rin.)

Kindness…
(Pati si Bong Revilla, nakalabas na.)

And reconciliation…
(Kita n’yo, magkapartido na ang Marcos at Cayetano!)

… guide us as we embrace our countrymen in the spirit of shared humanity.
(Drug addicts are not humans! I repeat, DRUG ADDICTS ARE NOT HUMANS.)

Together let us bring hope and peace in our nation this Yuletide season…
(Iboto n’yo straight ang Hugpong ng Pagbabago. Pa-Pasko n’yo na sa akin.)

… as we welcome the coming year with much hope and optimism.
(‘Pag may nanalo d’yang Dilawan, sabihin ko sa inyo, mag-resign man ako. I am not kidding. Iwanan ko kayo. Pagod na rin ako. Bahala kayo sa buhay n’yo!)

I wish everyone a happy and meaningful Christmas.
(Mga gago! Maniwala man kayo sa Christmas, Christmas na ‘yan. Niloloko lang kayo ng mga putang inang bishops na ‘yan para kumita sila. Dapat talaga patayin na lang ‘yang mga dimonyong ‘yan!)

—-END—-

IMELDA, ‘ANG PROBINSYANO,’ AND POWER NAPS

Mrs. Marcos skipped the promulgation because she was reportedly sick that day – although she partied that same night.

Originally published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Nov. 18, 2018.

Imelda

A NEW research published in the journal, Pediatrics revealed that most babies (57 percent) do not sleep through the night. That explains why President Duterte missed those events at the ASEAN Summit.

Last Wednesday, President Duterte skipped several events at the 33rd ASEAN Summit in Singapore. His spokesman said he “took power naps.” To be fair, Duterte’s absence in those events was the country’s brightest moment during the five-day summit.

______________________

Imelda Marcos has been found guilty of seven counts of graft. But the former First Lady is still running for governor of Ilocos Norte next year because she “wants to serve” her constituents. She can actually do something even better: serve her prison term.

Mrs. Marcos failed to attend the promulgation of the guilty verdict saying she was “suffering from multiple organ infirmities.” Even her organs are sick of her.

Mrs. Marcos skipped the promulgation because she was reportedly sick that day – although she partied that same night. Then on Friday, she claimed she didn’t know about the promulgation at all. Do you remember the saying, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw?” In some cases, “Ang sinungaling at magnanakaw ay iisa lang.”

______________________

Last Friday, the Sandiganbayan allowed Imelda Marcos to post P150,000 bail for her provisional liberty – giving her yet another reason to party.

______________________

Imelda is already 89 years old. According to a medical certificate from the St. Luke’s Medical Center, she has seven ailments. And yet, she’s still very strong and full of life. Some say it’s stem cell. Others believe it’s formalin.

______________________

The former First Lady has yet to release an official statement on the Court’s ruling. But some sympathizers have expressed their support for her like Quezon 3rd District Rep. Danilo Suarez, Sen. Cynthia Villar, and the Philippine National Police.

______________________

PNP chief Director General Oscar Albayalde got flak for making comments on the impending arrest of Mrs. Marcos. Albayalde said, “Baka magalit sa atin, matanda na. May edad na kasi.” Thank you Sir for letting us know who was being referred to in the PNP motto, “To serve and protect.”

______________________

The PNP chief gave us the impression it would be difficult to arrest Imelda because of health, age, and the fact that her last name is neither De Lima nor Trillanes.

______________________

Amid the barrage of criticisms being hurled against him on the Imelda Marcos issue, PNP chief Oscar Albayalde complained about ‘Ang Probinsyano,’ the most popular primetime series today. The distraction worked. We all fell for it. Congratulations!

______________________

The PNP chief scored the negative depiction of policemen in the primetime series. Albayalde said the portrayal is unfair to the police force. “I so agree,” said Imelda Marcos.

PNP chief Oscar Albayalde insists the inaccurate depiction of cops in the primetime series gives a bad impression of police officers. Albayalde should be thankful. The impression would have been a lot worse if the depiction was truly accurate.

______________________

Former Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay claimed he was cheated in the 2016 presidential elections. (No need for a punchline.)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
“It is the common people’s duty to police the police.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“Itong Australyano di ko maintindihan. Ang invitation eh ‘informal’ breakfast…Unang una hindi ako kumakain ng breakfast… Pangalawa, informal. Ano ipakakain nila sa atin? Kangaroo?”
~Rodrigo Duterte on skipping the ASEAN-Australia informal breakfast

Nope, they won’t serve you kangaroo. They’ll offer you rabies vaccine.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

[Photos: Duterte: South China Morning Post; Ang Probinsyano: PhilStar; Imelda Marcos: Associated Press]

UNAIRED INTERVIEW: VICE GANDA GRILLS SOLICITOR GENERAL JOSE CALIDA

Teka lang. Akala ko ba galit ka rin kay Trillanes? Bakit parang ini-imply mong corrupt ako?

00000VG

Welcome po sa GGV, Mr. Solicitor General!

Isang malaking karangalan ang mag-guest dito. Maraming salamat sa pag-invite mo sa akin, Vice.

Actually, office ho n’yo ang nakiusap sa management na i-guest kayo dito.

Hehehe Palabiro ka talaga Vice.

Hindi po ako nagbibiro. ‘Yun ang sabi ng boss namin.

Baka isipin nila totoo ang sinasabi mo.

Totoo ho ‘yon. May letter pa nga ho kayo.

Sige, sige… para matigil ka na lang, let’s pretend na staff ko nga ang nakiusap. Para tapos na.

Naku Sir. Let’s not pretend. Kasi kayo ho talaga ang sumulat. Pirmado n’yo ang letter of request. Ang kulit!

Kaya ikaw ang number 1 comedian ngayon eh. Magaling kang magbiro.

Magmamaang-mangan na lang ho ba tayo buong gabi o itutuloy natin ang interview?

Nandito na rin lang ako, siyempre gusto kong ituloy ang interview.

Napanood n’yo ho ba ang guesting dito ni Harry Roque?

Hindi eh. Pero regular viewer mo ako Vice. Kung wala rin lang akong ginagawa ‘pag Sabado nang gabi, pinapanood talaga kita.

Linggo ho ang GGV.

Alam ko. ‘Yun nga ang sinabi ko.

Sabado ho ang sinabi n’yo.

Linggo ang sinabi ko.

Kasasabi n’yo lang na Sabado. Kahit i-playback pa ho natin. Wala kayong sinabing Linggo.

Let’s pretend na Sabado nga ang sinabi ko. Pero fan mo talaga ako.

Nambola pa ang ‘king inang to.

Narinig ko ‘yun.

Ipinarinig ko ho talaga.

Ok.

Malapit na po ang Halloween. Kung bibili po kayo ng Halloween costume, bakit pa?

What do you mean, “Bakit pa?”

Ano ‘to? Magpi-pretend na naman tayong ‘di n’yo naintindihan ang tanong?

Paki-rephrase na lang.

Ganito na lang. Kapag nananalamin ho ba kayo, hindi n’yo sinisisi ang Diyos?

Alam mo, tayong lahat ay mahal ng Diyos at naniniwala akong pare-pareho ang tingin n’ya sa atin.

Hindi ho ako papayag. HINDI AKO PAPAYAG na ang tingin sa akin at tingin sa ‘yo ng Diyos ay pareho!

Opinyon mo ‘yan Vice.

Sila rin ho, ang ating studio audience.

[Studio Audience: Kurek!]

* * * * * * *

Anyway, punta na tayo sa mga isyu. Nanalo ho sa Makati RTC si Senator Trillanes, talo kayo. Napasimangot ho ba kayo nang marinig n’yo ang balita?

Siyempre naman. Tayo ang nagsimula niyan eh.

Paano n’yo ho nalamang nakasimangot kayo?

Anong tanong ‘yan?

I mean, nakikita n’yo pa ba ang difference kung nakasimangot kayo o hindi?

Kanina ka pa Vice. Bakit ‘di mo na lang ako diretsuhin: pangit kayo!

Kayo ho ang nagsabi niyan, hindi ako. And to be fair to me, hindi ko inisip na pangit kayo.

Salamat naman kung gano’n.

Charot lang. Hihihi

Matagal pa ba?

Nagmamadali ho kayo? May naghihintay na Grab sa labas? Sandali na lang ho. Sabi sa news, ‘di na raw kayo magsasampa ng motion for reconsideration sa Makati RTC at diretso na raw kayo sa Court of Appeals. Sino po sa tingin n’yo ang mas may appeal, ‘yung court o si Senator Trillanes.

Siyempre ‘yung Court. Sus, walang sinabi ‘yang unggoy na si Trillanes ‘no!

Wooooow. Kung unggoy ho si Trillanes,

‘Wag mo nang ituloy. Babalik na naman sa akin ‘yan.

Ang brilliant n’yo! Paano n’yo nalaman? Hihihi Anyway, sabi sa research, mula raw nang maupo kayo sa gobyerno, nakakuha ang inyong security agency ng 16 government contracts worth 358.3 million pesos! Samakatuwid

Vice, there is nothing wrong or unlawful with that!

Sandali lang, wala pa ho akong tanong. Ang tanong ko: bakit hindi namin dapat paniwalaan ang research?

Ibahin mo ang tanong Vice.

So, totoo pala ang research?

Again, I see nothing wrong with that. Ano bang masama sa pagnenegosyo? Kahit naman ikaw Vice, may negosyo ‘di ba?

Pero hindi ho sa gobyerno. ‘Yung kinukubra n’yo, pera ‘yun ng gobyerno.

Teka lang. Akala ko ba galit ka rin kay Trillanes? Bakit parang ini-imply mong corrupt ako?

Wala ho akong ini-imply.

‘Buti naman.

Sinasabi ko mismo.

Na corrupt ako?!?

Kayo ho ang nagsabi niyan.

Mahaba na ang interview na ‘to.

Sandali na lang ho. May babasahin lang akong mean tweets tapos mag-comment kayo. Heto ang una.

1CalidaTweet2

Ano hong masasabi n’yo?

No comment ako d’yan kasi hindi ako book.

Eh ano ho? Bukbok? Charot! Next tweet ho.

1CalidaTweet

Nasubukan n’yo na bang magpa-Belo?

No way! Ang nagpapa-Belo lang, ‘yung mga taong insecure at kulang sa self-confidence!

Taraaaay! Iba rin ang confidence n’yo Sir. Hiyang-hiya naman si Enrique Gil sa kutis n’yo. O, last na ‘to!

1CalidaTweet3

‘Yung totoo po, nasasaktan pa ba kayo kapag tinatawag na pangit?

Sabi nga nila, “the truth hurts.” Hindi ako naha-hurt. Kapag hindi ka naha-hurt o napipikon, ibig sabihin, hindi totoo ang sinasabi nila.

Eh ‘pag sinasabihan ho kayong corrupt?

Putang ina nila! Mga hindot na ‘king inang putang inang mga ‘yan; mga demonyong dilawan! Mamatay na kayo mga putang ina n’yo! Mga walanghiya! Mga hayop! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck you!

Maraming salamat Sir! Palakpakan naman natin, Solicitor General Jose Calida.

[APPLAUSE]

Watch the full on interview on GGV on November 31, 2018 after Rated K.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
“Whoever is detected in a shameful fraud is ever after not believed even if they speak the truth.”
~Phaedrus

Sound Bites
“A victory for justice, rule of law and democracy for the country.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV on Judge Andres Soriano’s ruling

Ballsy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8.

[Photos: ABS-CBN News]