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THE READER

9 12 2017

GOVERNMENT-PAID “blogger” Mocha Uson recently posted a photo of herself reading, and surrounded by books. The set of law books was apparently a gift from DPWH Sec. Mark Villar. Netizens had fun mocking what they believed was a “staged” photo session. Staged or not, the picture is definitely meme-worthy.

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In Other News…
Reporters slammed MMDA asst. manager for planning Jojo Garcia for joking about killing journalists who wrote “nega” articles about the agency. Garcia reportedly said, “Nasaan na ‘yong kuwarenta’y singko (.45 caliber) ko? Ipatokhang natin ‘yan.” Offended reporters described Garcia’s joke as “tasteless,” “insensitive” and “very presidential.”

Rewarded
Controversial former jueteng bagman-turned-whistleblower Sandra Cam has been appointed by President Duterte to the  board of government cash-cow, PCSO. When she heard this, Vivian Velez was like, “What else should I do? Kulang pa ba?”

Speed Limit
From 60kph, the Metro Manila Development Authority has reduced the “speed limit” on EDSA to 50kph. Which begs the question, why the need to impose a speed limit on a parking lot?

Yes, the MMDA has set the speed limit on EDSA at 50kph. You know what else do we need? A stupidity limit in government offices.
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“Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.”
~Chanda Kaushik

Sound Bites
“These silence breakers have started a revolution of refusal, gathering strength by the day, and in the past two months alone, their collective anger has spurred immediate and shocking results: nearly every day, CEOs have been fired, moguls toppled, icons disgraced.”
~TIME on The Silence Breakers, Person of the Year

Well-deserved.

[Photos: Mocha Uson Facebook; MMDA Jojo Garcia: Rambo Talabong/Rappler]

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ONE BIG FIGHT

4 12 2017

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CONGRATULATIONS to the Ateneo Blue Eagles for winning the UAAP Season 80 men’s basketball title. In the next few days, expect to see them in news programs and other TV shows in major local and cable networks. And don’t be surprised if Duterte fanatic Sass Sasot starts questioning why those players from “a very minor league” are being invited as guests.

It was a see-saw battle between La Salle and Ateneo in the second half of Game 3. In the end though, the Ateneo Blue Eagles prevailed, 88-86. The fight was so close Bongbong Marcos thought DLSU should consider filing a protest.

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While Thirdy Ravena was named Finals MVP, it was big man Isaac Go’s clutch shooting that generated more buzz. He sort of SAVED Ateneo with his end-game heroics – doing it thrice starting with that booming trey in the Final 4 match against FEU. The Duterte government badly needs an Isaac Go. Unfortunately, it could only give us a Bong Go.

The Ateneo Blue Eagles have won. They ruled the UAAP men’s basketball. They’re on top. Rumors say some Ateneo fanatics are pushing for a revolutionary team to win more titles.

The do-or-die game between La Salle and Ateneo was another epic thriller. Basketball fans absolutely loved it. The only thing I hated about the finals was…. UP’s not playing.

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Businessman Manny V. Pangilinan, Ateneo’s No. 1 supporter, is reportedly giving each member of the championship team an iPhone X. On behalf of the team, Thirdy Ravena thanked MVP, and promised to not use “Viber too much” like his Kuya Kiefer.

The De La Salle Green Archers have been dethroned. Some are blaming Coach Aldin Ayo. Others say it’s the foul trouble. And some fans are blaming Pia Wurtzbach.

Green Archer Ricci Rivero was quoted to have said, “Siguro will ni God na nanalo sila. Di kami nag-pray na sana manalo. Nag-pray kami na whatever happens, sana ‘yong will ni Papa Jesus ang mangyari.” When sought for confirmation, God said, “Nanisi pa ang batang ‘to. ’Pag talo, talo.”

On Twitter, former Ateneo Blue Eagle Chris Tiu said, “That Isaac Go shot was blessed by St. Francis Xavier, whose feast we celebrate today & patron of Xavier School where Isaac went to HS.” Even St. Francis Xavier was like, “Sige, kunek pa more!”

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In a display of sportsmanship, the façade of the St. La Salle Building at the DLSU campus was decked in blue lights on Sunday night after the game. Classy! Next year, that building will turn maroon.

Meanwhile… the Adamson Pep Squad pulled off an upset when it dethroned five-peat seeking NU Pep Squad and beating traditional powerhouses UP Pep Squad and FEU Cheering Squad in the 2017 UAAP Cheerdance Competition. UP’s lackluster performance resulted in the squad’s worst finish in the annual contest. They only placed 6th. Another “schadenfreude moment” for Sara Duterte.

In Other News…
According to the latest SWS survey, the number of Filipinos who considered themselves “poor” increased by three percent in the third quarter of 2017 — prompting President Duterte to doubt the success of the PNP’s Oplan Tokhang.

“Laos”
Following the government’s termination of the peace talks with the CPP-NPA-NDF, presidential spokesman Harry Roque slammed the Communist movement saying, “Passé na at out of tune na ang ipinaglalaban ng CPP-NPA. Laos na ‘yan.” Offended, CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison immediately drafted a counter-statement using his typewriter.
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“Win without boasting. Lose without excuse.”
~Albert Payson Terhune

Sound Bites
“Iniwan na nga sila ng China. Kapitalista na ‘yung mga idol nila sa bansa ni Mao Tse Tung. Laos na ‘yan. Kailangan mag-move on na din sila.”
~Harry Roque on the CPP-NPA

“It will NOT be a ‘revolution’ starting a ‘revolutionary government’ the likes started by Bonifacio, Mandela, Gandhi, Cory Aquino, Washington, Bolivar, Sun Yat Sen, all coming from the outside to change the rottenness from within. It will be a scheming take-over the likes started by Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo and Marcos, people already in the corridors of power wanting more power to rule and not to serve. That is plain despotism.”
~Dean Mel Sta Maria at the University of the Philippines School of Economics Auditorium (Nov. 30) speaking before students coming from all over Metro Manila.

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: ADMU: Mark Demayo/ABSCBN News; Isaac Go: Joaqui Flores/Tiebreaker Times; Thirdy Ravena: The Guidon; DLSU: The La Sallian]





IN A HARRY

26 11 2017

HARRY ROQUE, a human rights lawyer-turned-Duterte defender & apologist and potential PDP-Laban candidate for senator took an LRT and MRT ride recently. TV cameras showed him buying a ticket bound for 2019.

Describing his experience, Harry Roque said, “It’s cold and I like it.” The only thing colder was the treatment he got from the other passengers.

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Exclusive: Transcript of Harry Roque’s conversations with commuters

Harry Roque : O Kuya, napansin ko pagpasok ko ng tren, nakangiti ka. Ok ba ang biyahe mo?

Passenger: It was! Until you came.

Roque:

Passenger:

Roque: O, lipat naman tayo kay Ate sa harap. Ate, kumusta?

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Roque: Manong, kumusta ang biyahe natin?

Passenger: Heto, nakatayo na naman. Akala ko nga kanina makakaupo na ako kasi nauna naman ako sa pila. Eh biglang may mga guwardiyang humawi sa amin dahil may ini-escortan yatang kung sinong VIP. ‘Tang inang ‘yon, abala sa biyahe. Nakita mo ba kung sino ‘yon?

Roque: Naku! Hindi eh.

Passenger: Pasalamat siya at ‘di ko nakita ang pagmumukha niya. Kung hindi, duduraan ko talaga siya.

Roque:

Passenger: At babalyahin paglabas!

Roque: Manong, dito ka na. Palit na tayo ng puwesto. Bababa na pala ako sa next station.

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Roque: In fairness, wala namang aberya. Hindi na masama. Ang lamig pa. Wait, si Kuya si likod, nagtataas ng kamay.

Passenger: Sir, Levy Jamora ho, tubong Masbate. Ang unang tanong ko

Roque: Teka, what do you mean “unang tanong?”

Passenger: Ay! Hindi ho ba presscon ito? Naghakot kasi kayo ng reporters eh.

Roque:

Passenger: Pa-selfie na lang ho. Pwede?

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Roque: Hi Ma’am! Kumusta po?

Passenger: Anong kumusta?!?! Punyeta ka. Magpapapogi ka rin lang, nagsama ka pa ng bodyguards at sangkaterbang reporters! Alam mo ba kung gaano kahirap sumakay ng tren leche ka?! Forty-five minutes kaming naghintay tapos aagawan n’yo pa ng space eh siksikan na nga. Gamitin mo naman ang utak mo! Akala mo ba iboboto kita sa 2019? Ulol! Tae ka sa balota ko. Wala kang maaasahang boto sa amin gago!

Roque: Grabe. Ang daming sinabi, nangumusta lang naman ako.

Passenger: May ibinubulong ka d’yan?!?

Roque: Ang sabi ko ho, next time, ‘di na ako mangungumusta! #imbernadettesembrano #ynezveneracion #bwisethrogen #missuniverse #philippines

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Roque: Hi Ate. Ganda naman ng bag mo. Anyway, ano sa tingin mo ang dapat gawin ng gobyerno para maiwasan ang araw-araw na hassle n’yo sa pagsakay sa tren?

Passenger: Dapat ho yata bawat pasahero may bodyguards tapos napapaligiran ng reporters.

Roque:

Passenger: Aminin mo, effective! Nakaupo ka pa nga ‘di ba?

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Roque: Ale, kumusta ho ang pagsakay n’yo sa MRT?

Passenger: Uy!!! Familiar ang buhok mo Sir! Sino ka nga ba?

Roque: Guess.

Passenger: Secretary Aguirre?

Roque: Gaga! Hindi!

Passenger: Juana Change?

Roque: Excuse me!

Passenger: Ang hirap naman. Wala bang clue?

Roque: My name starts with H!

Passenger: Ahhhhh! Humpty Dumpty!

Roque: Puta ka. Not funny. Name calling ‘yan.

Passenger: H ‘di ba?

Roque: Yes. ‘Tsaka R.

Passenger: H at R? Tama! Ikaw nga! Hodor!

Roque:

Passenger: Ay! Cubao na pala. Sige ho.

pac
Reports say a “fed up” Manny Pacquiao mulls quitting politics. In response, ‘politics’ said, “I can’t wait.”

A dismayed and discouraged Manny Pacquiao was quoted to have said, “In politics, you wouldn’t know what’s real or not. ” Ironically, he utters the same thing whenever he stares at his wife, Jinkee.
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“Know that the amount of criticism you receive may correlate somewhat to the amount of publicity you receive.”
~Donald Rumsfeld

Sound Bites
“Indeed, the scriptwriters and show runners of the Sereno impeachment complaint must surely now realize that Gadon is the problem. This is the same person who, in a television interview, claimed outrageously that the solution to the peace problem in Mindanao was the extermination of Muslim Filipinos. He used the phrase ‘burahin ang lahi,’ or erase their race.”
~Inquirer Editorial, Gadon wasting our time

Nut case.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PhilStar.com; Inquirer.net; PTV News]





“NO-BRAINER”

20 11 2017

RODRIGO DUTERTE’S party, the PDP-Laban has announced its initial list of potential candidates for senator in 2019. Controversial government propagandist Mocha Uson is on that list. Here’s how some politicians reacted when they bumped into Uson recently.

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Pacquiao: Uy, Mukah, congrats, magiging senador ka na.

Mocha: Thank you idol!

Pacquiao: Excited ako! Makakatrabaho na kita.

Mocha: Bakit idol? Nagtatrabaho ka ba?

Pacquiao:

Mocha: Jooooke!

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Pacquiao: Grabi ka Mukah!! Magiging senador ka na pala.

Mocha: Thank you, idol! Narinig mo na pala ang balita.

Pacquiao: Oo naman. Congrats!

Mocha: Salamat idol! Excited na akong mag-isip ng bagong batas.

Pacquiao: Bakit? Nag-iisip ka ba?

Mocha:

Pacquiao: Jooooke! Akala mo ikaw lang?!

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Pacquiao: Grabi! Kasama ka pala sa line-up ng PDP Laban.

Mocha: Oo idol! Pinilit ako eh; hindi naman ako makatanggi.

Pacquiao: Naku, pa’no ‘yan? Sabi nila, tanga ka raw. Iboboto ka kaya ng masa?

Mocha: Oo naman. Ibinoto ka nga nila, ‘di ba?

Pacquiao:

Mocha: Aminin mo, may point ako.

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Pacquiao: Congrats Mukah, magiging senador ka na.

Mocha: Salamat idol! Kaya lang ang daming bumabatikos. Sabi nila, ‘pag nanalo raw ako, napakaraming bobo sa Pilipinas.

Pacquiao: ‘Wag mo silang pansinin. Inggit lang ang mga ‘yon. Hindi totoong maraming bobo sa ating bansa!

Mocha: Salamat idol. Ilan nga pala ang bumoto sa ‘yo noon?

Pacquiao: Mahigit 16 million.

Mocha: Naku! Marami nga!

Pacquiao: ‘Tang ina mo.

Mocha:

Pacquiao: Akala mo, joke? ‘Tang ina mo!

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Sotto: Congrats Mocha! Malapit na tayong magsama sa Senado.

Mocha: Salamat Tito Sen!

Sotto: Sus! Salamat lang? Pa-burger ka naman!

Mocha: Sus! Burger lang?! Kung gusto n’yo pa-Pepsi pa eh.

Sotto:

Mocha: Bakit Tito Sen? ‘Di ka ba nagso-soft drinks?!

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Sotto: Uy! Senator Mocha Uson, congratulations.

Mocha: Grabe ka naman Tito Sen. Wala pa. Tatakbo pa lang.

Sotto: Pag nanalo ka, magkasama nating lalabanan ang mga dilawan!

Mocha: Kurek!

Sotto: Lalabanan natin ang “bias” na Inquirer, Rappler, at ABS-CBN!

Mocha: Kurek!

Sotto: Lalabanan natin ang minor bloggers!

Mocha: Kurek!

Sotto: Lalabanan natin ang nagpapakalat ng fake news!

Mocha:

Sotto:

Mocha: Baka may iba ka pang gustong labanan? Suggest ka pa.

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Mocha: Sir Harry Roque, sabi sa news, kasama tayo sa senate slate ng PDP Laban.

Roque: Eh ‘di mabuti. Congrats sa ‘tin!

Mocha: Salamat Sir. Excited na ako sa slate!

Roque: Teka, ano ba ‘yong “slate?”

Mocha: Basta ang sabi sa Rappler “slate.” Qinuote ko lang sila. Mali ba ‘yon?

Roque:

Mocha: Pucha! Fake news talaga ‘yang Rappler!

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Nancy Binay: Uy! Ikaw pala ‘yan Mocha. Narinig ko ang balita. In fairness sa ‘yo huh!

Mocha: Wala akong pakialam. ‘Wag ka nang mag-comment. Baka bumalik lang sa ‘yo.

Nancy:

Mocha:

Nancy: In fairness ulit, nabasa mo ang nasa utak ko. Tse!

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Mocha: Boss, kasama ako sa listahan ng PDP Laban.

Martin Andanar: Eh ‘di mabuti. Sure win ka na. Sabi ko nga sa media, no-brainer.

Mocha: Ano ba ‘yung “no-brainer?”

Martin: ‘Pag ‘di na kailangang pag-isipan pa, at very obvious na – no-brainer.

Mocha: Ahhhh, ‘yon pala. Akala ko kasi ako ‘yung tinutukoy mo.

Martin: Hindi ‘no! Iba ang no-brainer sa no brain.

Mocha:

Martin: Wala akong sinabi huh! Sabi ko lang magkaiba ang dalawa.

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Mocha: Tatay Digong, kasama ako sa listahan ng PDP Laban.

Duterte: Good! Gusto mo, samahan pa kita sa kampanya.

Mocha: Talaga po? Kahit mag-jeep lang tayo?

Duterte: No problem.

Mocha: Kahit sakay lang ng pedicab?

Duterte: Oo naman.

Mocha: Kahit sumakay sa MRT?

Duterte: ‘Tang ina. Ikaw na lang.

Mocha:

Duterte: ‘Wag ka na nga lang tumakbo!
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“Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.”
~Plato

Sound Bites
“Kung tatakbo man po ako, ito po ay dahil si Pangulong Duterte na mismo ang nagpatakbo sa akin.”
~Mocha Uson on her possible Senate run

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao/Mocha: ABSCBN News; Mocha/Sotto: Inquirer.net ; Mocha/Duterte/Roque; Malacañang Photo; MRT: Ivan Caballero Villegas]





KSP AND OTHER STORIES

13 11 2017

THE ASEAN Summit is underway in the Philippines. Leaders from Southeast Asia and the Asia-Pacific region are in attendance. There’s a fascist, a charmer, a human rights violator, a narcissist, a populist, and a megalomaniac. But enough about Rodrigo Duterte. Let’s talk about the other leaders.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau charmed his Filipino fans when he made a surprise visit to popular fast food chain, Jollibee. Not to be outdone, US President Donald Trump made a surprise visit to Hooters.

Here are other ASEAN Summit moments:
Honeyley

Honeylet: Papa, in fairness sa Barong Tagalog mo huh, bagay na bagay sa ‘yo.

Duterte: Sus, nambula ka na naman!

Honeylet: Hindi huh. Totoo ‘yon! ‘Wag ka nga lang pipikit kasi baka sabihin nila, parang natutulog ka lang.

Duterte: Ulol!

Harry
Aung San Suu Kyi:
Naku! Baka mabatikos ka Harry dahil nagpa-picture ka kasama ako. Sabi kasi nila, tinalikuran ko na raw ang pagsusulong ng human rights sa Myanmar.

Harry Roque:
Ok lang ‘yon Ma’am. Ako rin naman, tinalikuran ko na rin ang pagsusulong ng human rights sa Pilipinas!

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SuuKyiDuts
Aung San Suu Kyi: Finally, na-meet din kita!

Duterte: Excited?? He-he Nice meeting you Madam.

Suu Kyi: Alam mo, we have something in common.

Duterte: Ano ‘yon?

Suu Kyi: Similar ang isyung ibinabato sa atin. Sa akin, Rohingya.

Duterte: Sa akin?

Suu Kyi: Walanghiya.

Duterte:

Suu Kyi: ‘Wag nang choosy. At least, hindi ko sinabing murderer.

Modi

Duterte: Alam mo Mr. Prime Minister, ikaw ang pinaka-petmalung lider sa summit!

Indian PM: Bakit naman?

Duterte: Eh kasi, ang last name mo, LODI.

Indian PM: Modi ‘yon, Narendra Modi. Hindi Lodi! Tanga!

Duterte:

Indian PM: Sensya, nabigla lang.

Samantala, in Vietnam…

Kathy Bates

“‘Tang ina, bored na bored na ako. ‘Pag wala pang kumausap sa akin in the next five minutes, itutulak ko itong si Kathy Bates na nasa harap ko.”

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#Pasaway
You’ve all heard about Maria Isabel Lopez and her EDSA stunt. On her Instagram account, the rabid Duterte supporter bragged about moving the divider cones and driving on the lane designated for ASEAN Summit delegates. For her bad behavior, netizens criticized the former actress and beauty titlist. For the same reason, Duterte considers appointing her to a government post.

Sasot
#Pasaway 2
Another Duterte fanatic, Sass Sassot, made a scene at the ASEAN Summit when she confronted a BBC correspondent. She questioned the reporter of the British network for giving airtime recently to Pinoy Ako Blog owner Jover Laurio, a Duterte critic. After confronting the reporter, Sassot was caught by TV cameras crying – prompting the reporters and bystanders to applaud and congratulate her because she finally got what she ultimately wanted: attention.

In case you missed it:
Sassy: Hoy Mr. BBC Reporter! Bakit si Jover Laurio ng Pinoy Ako Blog, may airtime sa BBC, pero ako – wala?!?

BBC Reporter: Sino ka ba?!

Sassy: Hindi mo ako nakikilala?!?

BBC Reporter: Sino ka nga?!

Sassy: My goodness! Sikat na sikat ako ngayon sa Pilipinas, pinag-uusapan, hindi mo ako nakikilala?

BBC Reporter: SUPER TEKLA??

Sassy: ‘Tang ina mo.

BBC Reporter: Ay, nagmura. Ka-DDS ka! Ka-DDS!

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Sassy: Hoy Mr. BBC reporter, mas marami akong followers kaysa sa very minor blogger na si Jover Laurio a.k.a. Pinoy Ako Blog! Pero bakit ang impaktang ‘yon – na-interview n’yo sa BBC ‘tapos ako, hindi!?! Where’s the logic in there!?!

BBC: Mas marami kang followers??? Bakit? Ilan ba ang followers mo sa Twitter?

Sassy: 47,200

BBC: llan ang followers ni Jonalyn Viray?

Sassy: 217,000

BBC: Eh ‘di si Jonalyn Viray na lang ang i-interviewhin namin.

Sassy:

BBC: Logic!

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Sassy: Hoy Mr. BBC Reporter! ‘Yang Jover Laurio na ‘yan, ‘yang hitad na Pinoy Ako Blog na ‘yan, iilan lang ang followers. Ako, marami! Minor blogger lang siya! Pero bakit… of all people, siya pa ang na-feature sa BBC! ‘Tapos ako, akong mas maraming followers, hindi pa nafi-feature!? Sumagot ka! Magpaliwanag ka!

BBC Reporter:

Sassy: O, ba’t natahimik ka? Magpaliwanag ka ngayon! Bakit si Pinoy Ako Blog ininterview ng BBC samantalang ako, hindi pa? Sumagot ka! Duwag! WALA KANG BAYAG!

BBC Reporter: Umabot ka talaga dun? Sige, pag-usapan natin ang BAYAG.

Sassy: Choppy ka. Sorry, choppy ka. Konting ikot. Wala akong marinig. Tawag ka na lang ulit.

Sasot2

Sassy: Hoy, Mr. BBC Reporter, can you explain? Bakit si Pinoy Ako Blog na isang very minor blogger, ininterview n’yo sa BBC? Pero ako, na mas malaki ang following, hindi n’yo pa napi-feature! WHY?!? Alam mo bang unfair kayo? Alam mo bang biased kayo dahil isang side lang ang pini-feature n’yo? Sino ang backer ni Pinoy Ako Blog? Sino ang nasa likod ng guesting n’ya? Sino ang lumakad para ma-interview siya ng BBC? Sino ang may pakana ng lahat ng ito? SINOOOO?

BBC: Are you done? Ako naman! Sino naman itong babaeng nasa tabi mo na mukhang tanga at mukhang ewan dahil nakatulala lang at hindi man lang mag-attempt na sawayin ka sa pagbubunganga mo gayong inaatake mo ang isang lehitimong journalist? Para siyang isang tumpok na tae sa kalsada na nandiyan lang pero hindi mo nakita kaya nayapakan mo! SINO SIYA?!?

Sassy:

BBC: Sorry. Na-carried away.

Mocha: Pakyu!
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“There are so many attention whores out there, prostituting for people’s acknowledgment.”
~Jason Myers

Sound Bites
“Can you tell me how is it possible that Jover Laurio, a very minor blogger in the Philippines was featured by the BBC in order to defend herself… but not someone like me whose social media following is way way higher than her?”
~Sass Sasot, Duterte supporter and propagandist to BBC correspondent Jonathan Head

“Sweetie, last year BBC tried to get in touch with me for an interview, too. If they want to talk to you, they will find you. Do the math.”
~Actress Agot Isidro (via Twitter)

Burn.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Harry Roque; @JustinTrudeau; Russell Palma; @PIB_India; Doug Mills/The New York Times; Jonathan Ernst/Reuters; Presidential Photos; Maria Isabel Lopez Instagram; Interaksyon; Inquirer.net]





WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

6 11 2017

Untitled
ACCORDING TO Charles Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. For Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross roads. While Martin Luther King Jr. said: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

As for some famous and infamous Filipinos of today, here’s how they answered the age-old question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

20: Sara Duterte: Pupunta sa rally. Sangkot ‘yan sa destabilization plot!

19: Manny Pacquiao: Para mangitlog. Sabi kasi sa Genesis 1:22 Let the birds multiply on the earth. ‘Di naman sinabing, “Let the birds subtraction on the earth,” ‘di ba? Amen!

18: Ka-DDS: Dilawan ang kinginang hindot na manok na ‘yan. Papansin! Sana pala nasagasaan na lang ang hayop na ‘yan para mamatay na! We love you Tatay Digong! Petmalu ka talaga! Lodi! #Godblessed

17: PBA Commissioner Chito Narvasa: Suddenly, parang ang laking isyu ng pag-apruba ko sa pagtawid ng manok. I have always been fair. Kung inyong matatandaan, inaprubahan ko rin noon ang pagtawid ng aso at pusa.

16: Salvador Panelo: To fuck like an 18-year-old.

Untitled
15: Bato de la Rosa: ‘Pag ako ang naging presidente, ipagpapagawa ko ng sariling kalsada ang mga manok!

14: Sen. Antonio Trillanes: Ayon sa aking source, may mga sikretong pugad ang manok na ‘yan sa kabilang side ng kalsada.

13: Paolo Duterte: I refuse to answer. No way!

12: Richard Gordon: Katulad ng sinabi ko sa committee report, walang matibay na ebidensya to conclude na tumawid nga ang manok!

11: Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales: We will investigate. This Office shall proceed with the probe as mandated by the Constitution. If the chicken has nothing to hide, it has nothing to fear.”

10: Imee Marcos: Anong alam ko d’yan eh ang liit-liit ko pa noong tumawid ang manok na ‘yan.

9: Harry Roque: Binato ko ng hollow blocks. Ang ingay eh.

8: Alan Peter Cayetano:

7: Tito Sotto: Sabi nga ni Manny, mangingitlog ang manok kaya tumawid. At napag-alaman ko ring marami na palang naging sisiw ‘yan. Kapag maraming sisiw pero single, ang tawag doon ay ‘na-ano lang.’

6: Vitaliano Aguirre: Ayon sa affidavit ng mga nakakulong na tandang, pakana ni De Lima ang pagtawid ng manok!

5: Philippine News Agency: At press time, ito pa lamang ang nakakalap naming impormasyon tungkol sa isyu:

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4: Sen. Leila De Lima: Hindi po dapat kinukuwestyon ang ginawa ng manok. Walang batas na nagbabawal sa pagtawid nito. Anumang pagsupil sa kagustuhan nitong makatawid ay malinaw na paglabag sa karapatang panghayop.

3: President Duterte: Adik ang manok na ‘yan. Alam niyang may mga dumadaang sasakyan tapos tatawid siya? Eh ‘di adik ang putang inang ‘yan!

2: Mocha Uson: Malinaw pong kasalanan ni Leni Robredo kung bakit napilitang tumawid ang manok. Napakaluwang po ng sidewalk kung saan siya pwedeng mag-abang ng bus papuntang Bicol. Pero anong ginawa niya? Doon siya nag-abang sa kinatatayuan ng manok; kaya ang kawawang chicken, tumawid! Eh kung nasagasaan ‘yon? Napakawalanghiya po talaga ng babaeng ito. Kahit kailan, bobo! Mga Ka-DDS, paki-share ng picture na ito.

1Leni

And lastly, why did the chicken cross the road?

1: Martin Andanar: Para umiyot. Kulang kasi sa iyot ‘yan kaya putak nang putak.
___________________________________________________________________________
“When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty.”
~Thomas Jefferson

In Other News…
A raid conducted at the condo unit of Diana Uy, daughter of convicted drug queen Yu Yuk Lai, near Malacañang, yielded some 10 million pesos worth of shabu. The raiding team then discovered that Uy’s security detail was a member of the PNP Security and Protection Group (PSPG). ATM: Malacañang’s spin doctors are figuring out a way to link De Lima and the LP to the police officer.

Damage
Palace spokesman Harry Roque said Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno should step down “to spare the Supreme Court from any further damage.” If Roque wanted the public to believe he’s genuinely concerned, he should advise his boss to step down to spare this nation from any further ruin.

Drop
According to the latest SWS survey, fewer Filipinos believe President Duterte can fulfill his promises. From 52 percent in June, it dropped to 37 percent in September. The survey was conducted from Sept. 23 to 27, using face-to-face interviews of 1,500 adults 18 years old and above. The survey question was “Tulog ka pa rin ba?”

Sound Bites
“Despite the personal attacks against Sereno and her being the Chief Justice, she remains committed to fulfilling her duties as the highest magistrate in the land.”
~Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno’s lawyers on Harry Roque’s resignation call

Hold on.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine News Agency; Philippine Star]





STITCHES AND BURNS

9 10 2017

1APC

THE MARCOSES and Mocha Uson claiming to be fake news victims; a “barefaced liar” making unfounded accusations under oath, and the country’s foreign affairs secretary getting grilled by an Al Jazeera news anchor on extrajudicial killings. What a crazy week for liars! It was also a week of solid, nasty burns.

In case you missed it, here’s the translated transcript of the unedited, unaired portions of Al Jazeera journalist Mehdi Hasan’s interview with DFA Sec. Alan Peter Cayetano

Hasan: Sabi sa report mo, 3,500 ang napatay sa drug operations.

Cayetano: Oo!

Hasan: Lahat ‘yon drug dealers????

Cayetano: Yes!

Hasan: As in ALL of them?!?

Cayetano: Yes!

Hassan: Hindi kinasuhan, hindi nilitis, hindi pinarusahan. Paano mo nalaman?

Cayetano: Sabi sa karton.

Hasan:

Cayetano: ‘Tsaka sa Facebook ni Mocha Uson.

1EJKianl
Hasan: Sinasabi mo ngayon na lahat ng 3,500 na napatay ay drug dealers?

Cayetano: Oo!

Hasan: As in ‘yong 3,500 – – drug dealers LAHAT?!?

Cayetano: Sinabi nang oo eh!

Hasan: Pati si Kian De Los Santos drug dealer??

Cayetano:

Hasan:

Cayetano: Fine! 3,499 lang pala.

* * * * *

Hasan: Drug dealers bang lahat ang napatay?

Cayetano: Oo!

Hasan: 3,500 na drug dealers!??!! As in LAHAT sila drug dealers???

Cayetano: Sinabi nang OO eh! Ang kulit!

Hasan: Paano mo nalaman? Kinasuhan ba sila? Nilitis? Pinarusahan?

Cayetano: Nanlaban.

Hasan:

Cayetano: ‘Wag mo ‘kong tingnan nang ganyan. Ako mismo ang nagbilang.

* * * * *

Hasan: So, ‘yung 3,500 na pinatay ng pulis, drug dealers lahat?!?

Cayetano: Oo!

Hasan: As in ALL of them?

Cayetano: Oo nga!

Hasan: Paano mo nalaman? Kinasuhan ba? Nilitis ba? Pinarusahan ba? Hindi ‘yan ang demokratikong paraan ng pag-solve sa krimen.

Cayetano: Bakit? Sinong may sabi sa ‘yong demokratiko ang gusto naming paraan ng pag-solve sa krimen?

Hasan: In fairness, may point. ‘Nyeta ka.

* * * * *

Hasan: ‘Yong 3,500 na pinatay ng pulis, lahat drug dealers?

Cayetano: Kanina ka pa eh. Sabi ko, oo, ‘di ba?

Hasan: Lahat sila drug dealers???

Cayetano: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hasan: Pati ‘yong South Korean na pinatay ng mga pulis sa loob mismo ng Camp Crame, drug dealer?

Cayetano: Pinoy lang ang pinag-uusapan natin, ba’t biglang may Korean?

Hasan:

Cayetano: Dilawan ka rin eh!

1EJKDoll

Hasan: Sabi mismo ng presidente n’yo, 40 percent ng kapulisan, corrupt.

Cayetano: ‘Yon ang estimate niya. Sabi ng aming PNP chief, 2 percent.

Hasan: So sino ang tama: ang inyong presidente o ang chief ng PNP?

Cayetano: Estimate nga lang ‘yong kay presidente.

Hasan: Tama ba ang estimation n’ya?

Cayetano: When you make an estimation…

Hasan: Simpleng oo o hindi lang. Tama ba o hindi ang 40 percent estimation ni Duterte?

Cayetano: ‘Tang ina naman o! Ba’t ba ako nag-guest dito? Sana kay Anthony Taberna o kay Noli De Castro na lang ako nagpa-interview.

* * * * *

Hasan: So you’re saying na ‘yong 3,500 na napatay ng pulis, lahat drug dealers?

Cayetano: Ilang beses ko ba dapat sagutin ‘yan? Oo! Oo! Oo!

Hasan: So ‘pag drug dealer, pinapatay?

Cayetano: ‘Yong drug dealers lang na nanlalaban.

Hasan: Buhay pa si Pulong Duterte.

Cayetano: Therefore, hindi pa siya nanlalaban.

Hasan:

Cayetano: Puta ka! Nilito mo ako. Hindi siya drug dealer, promise!

* * * * *

Hasan: Last na: Ano ang pakiramdam ng mga Pilipino sa nagaganap na patayan sa ilalim ng gobyernong Duterte?

Cayetano: Good question. Filipinos are prouder now more than ever.

Hasan: Prouder? Anong klaseng mga Pilipino ‘yan? Panatiko? ‘Di nag-iisip? Blind followers?

Cayetano: Hindi. Ang tawag sa kanila, Ka-DDS.

Hasan: ‘Yun nga.
——————————————————————————————————————————————
“There are two ways of lying. One, not telling the truth and the other, making up statistics.”
~Josefina Vazquez Mota

Sound Bites
“There is no place in government – or in the field of professional communications, for that matter – for barefaced liars.”
~National Union of Journalists of the Philippines on Duterte propagandist RJ Nieto

“Let it be known that under the present administration there is only one case of extrajudicial killing, or EJK.”
~PNP Spokesman Chief Supt. Dionardo Carlos

Liar.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Cayetano/Hasan: Al Jazeera; Kian DLS Artwork: PJ’s Artbox; EJK/Doll: REUTERS/Damir Sagolj]





OF BULLIES AND BALLS

3 10 2017

1dd
I HAVE stopped listening to Rodrigo Duterte’s interviews and speeches. Instead, I decided to watch HBO’s Emmy Award-winning limited series ‘Big Little Lies.’ Same themes – deception, abuse of power, and murder – but with likeable characters.

A friend said candidates for president should pass a mental health exam before they are allowed to run. I said voters should pass a similar exam before they are allowed to vote.

1CCM
Duterte said he would not cooperate with the Ombudsman’s probe into his alleged undeclared wealth and threatened to create a special body to investigate the Ombudsman instead. In response, Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales said, “This office will not be intimidated.” Unfortunately for Duterte, there are no Gordons, Sottos, or Pimentels at the Ombudsman to protect him.

Duterte dared, “Shoot me if I have more than 40 million pesos (in the bank).” That is unnecessary and a total waste of bullet. Everytime he opens his mouth, he shoots himself in the foot. That’s fine.

Amid reports he misdeclared his wealth, Duterte said, “Shoot me if I have more than 40 million.” Thinking Filipinos won’t do that to you Mr. Duterte. They’d rather see you alive – in prison.

Duterte also challenged Chief Justice Ma. Lourdes Sereno and Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales, “Let us resign!” In a joint statement, Sereno and Carpio Morales said, “We’re too busy Mr. President. Can we ignore you some other time?”

Duterte: Putang ina, hindi totoo ‘yong ibinibintang n’yo!

Conchita: Ows?

Duterte: ‘Tang ina! Kung may 40 million ako, shoot me!

Conchita: Really?

Duterte: ‘Tang ina, kung lagpas 200 million, magre-resign ako!

Chonchita: Talaga?

Duterte: ‘Tang ina, ‘pag may nakita kayong pera, sa inyo na.

Conchita: Fine. Sign the waiver.

Duterte:

Conchita:

Duterte: Ulol! Ano ako, tanga? ‘Tang ina!

Emergency
Allies of Rodrigo Duterte in the Lower House wants to grant him emergency powers to “take over” the operations of the Bureau of Customs. The House ways and means committee described the recommendation as “immediate” – while the Davao Group described it as “an answered prayer.”

New Group
In a press conference held Tuesday, Vitaliano Aguirre and Persida Acosta expressed support for a new group that called itself Citizen National Guard. The group aims to “defend the republic against enemies of the state.” In response, the state said, “No, thanks!”

Vitaliano Aguirre and Persida Acosta led the launching of a group called Citizen National Guard. Reports said the group was formed to protect the republic against “enemies of the state.” Which explains why mirrors were banned during the press con.

Also during the press conference, the newly formed group identified the “enemies of the state.” The list includes the CPP-NPA, ISIS-inspired terrorism, and drug cartels. Pulong Duterte was like, “May galit ba kayo sa akin?”

Wiretapping
A month after TV cameras at the Senate captured the screen of his cellphone showing a text exchange with VACC’s Jacinto Paras plotting against Sen. Risa Hontiveros, Vitaliano Aguirre filed a wiretapping case against the lady senator. Once tagged by Hontiveros as “fake news king,” Aguirre’s case is expected to be junked because text messages are not covered by the Anti-wiretapping Law. Even Aguirre’s case is fake.

Dogs
Duterte defender Tito Sotto is filing a libel case against the people behind popular Facebook page ‘Silent No More PH’ for calling him and other staunch Duterte allies at the Senate, “Malacañang dogs.” Other senators are reportedly keen on filing a similar case. Unverified reports say they are seeking 10 million pesos in compensatory damages and a year’s supply of Pedigree.

1LV
Las Vegas Massacre
Our thoughts go out to the victims of the mass shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada. The carnage left at least 59 people dead and more than 500 injured. Concerned Americans are now calling for stricter gun control. The Philippines can relate to mass killings. For months now, concerned Filipinos have been calling for presidential control.
———————————————————————————————————————————
“Your complaints, your drama, your victim mentality, your whining, your blaming, and all of your excuses… Let go of your nonsense. Let go of the delusion that you deserve better.”
~Steve Maraboli, ‘Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience’

Sound Bites
“If the President has nothing to hide, he has nothing to fear.”
~Ombudsman Conchita Carpio Morales

“’Yong mga critics… ingrato kayo. Alam ko nakikinabang kayo sa peace and order na ‘dinulot sa atin ng war on drugs. Ingrato kayo.”
~PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa

Ulol.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: The Denver Post; Ombudsman: Rappler; Las Vegas: Getty Images]






CONGRESSMEN & TRAFFIC

19 09 2017

1estrada
JINGGOY ESTRADA, whose trial for plunder and graft & corruption charges, is ongoing, has been granted temporary liberty. He posted a P1.33 million bail over the weekend. Immediately after his release, he thanked the Sandiganbayan, his family, and the Filipino taxpayers who shouldered his bail bond.

Of the five members of the Sandiganbayan Fifth Division, three justices voted to grant Jinggoy Estrada bail. The next day, all three justices received this text message from Malacañang: What exactly do you want?

1Boobay Tekla
Anniversary
Juan Ponce Enrile and wife, Cristina celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. Which explains why Gigi Reyes changed her Facebook status to “Single.”

The roster of high-profile guests included Imelda, Imee and Bongbong Marcos; Joseph Estrada and Jinggoy Estrada; former vice president Jejomar Binay, his wife Elenita, and Junjun Binay as well as former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo – prompting one of the food servers to quip, “Ano ‘to Bilibid?!?”

Entitlement
House Majority Floor Leader Rodolfo Fariñas wants the MMDA to grant lawmakers “parliamentary immunity” from minor traffic violations. Citing a provision in the Constitution, the Ilocos Norte representative says apprehending lawmakers will delay the performance of their duties. That, of course, is understandable because round-the-clock licking of Duterte’s ass is not an easy job.

Samantala sa EDSA… Prrrrt!

Traffic Enforcer: Lisensya.

Motorist: Lisensya? Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Congressman ako!

Traffic Enforcer: Hindi rin n’yo ba ako nakikilala? Traffic enforcer ako!

Motorist: Meron akong parliamentary immunity!

Traffic Enforcer: Meron ho akong ipinapatupad na batas!

Motorist: Mali-late na ako sa session! ‘T@ng %n@!

Traffic Enforcer: Linggo ho ngayon. May session?

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Sige, isip pa ng palusot. ‘T@ng %n@g ‘to.

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Pare, lisensya.

Motorist: Boss, congressman ako.

Traffic Enforcer: Ooops sorry! Congressman, lisensya.

Motorist: Sinabi ko na ‘di ba? Congressman ako!

Traffic Enforcer: Sorry Congressman. Isang tanong na lang: Na-experience mo na bang mag-trend sa Twitter?

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Lisensya.

Motorist: Kanina ko pa nga inaabot sa ‘yo ‘di ba?

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, lisensya.

Motorist: Bakit? Anong violation?

Traffic Enforcer: Beating the red light ho.

Motorist: Congressman ako.

Traffic Enforcer: Sabi ko ho beating the red light.

Motorist: Narinig ko. Narinig mo ba ang sinabi ko: ‘Congressman’ ako.

Traffic Enforcer: So anong gusto n’yong gawin ko: palampasin ang violation n’yo?! Magkunwaring walang nangyari? Balewalain ang batas-trapiko? Kilalanin ang pribileheyo n’yo bilang mataas na opisyal ng gobyerno? Sumunod na lang sa gusto n’yo dahil maliit na enforcer lamang ako habang kayo ay milyun-milyon ang deposito sa bangko para pantustos sa mga kabit n’yo? Kalimutang may sinumpaan akong tungkulin? Takasan ang aking responsibilidad sa bayan ‘tapos bahala na kung mawalan ako ng dignidad at respeto sa aking sarili?

Motorist: Heto na ang lisensya ko. Matahimik ka lang.

Traffic Enforcer:

Motorist: At next time, ‘wag na ‘wag mong pakikialaman ang mga kabit ko. Namemersonal ka eh!

1car

Traffic Enforcer: Lisensya mo.

Motorist: Congressman ako. I’m in a hurry. Pa-Batasan ako.

Traffic Enforcer: May violation kayo, Sir. Lisensya n’yo.

Motorist: Akala mo ‘di ko alam kung saan papunta ang usapang ‘to? Hoy! Kilala ko kayo. Mga buwaya sa kalsada! Magkano?

Traffic Enforcer: Wow. Kung maka-buwaya kayo Sir parang hindi crocodile farm ang pupuntahan n’yo ah. Lisensya!

Motorist: Pagsisisihan mo ‘to! Tatawagan ko si MMDA Chairman Danny Lim. Tatawagan ko si Mayor! Tatawagan ko si House Speaker.

Traffic Enforcer: Wait lang, Sir. Tatawagan ko lang si Karen Davila!

Motorist: ‘To naman, ‘di na mabiro. Ganda ng gupit natin ah.

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, ‘yung lisensya mo, patingin.

Motorist: Hindi mo ba ako nakikilala? Araw-araw ako sa TV!

Traffic Enforcer: Arnold Clavio?

Motorist: Gago! Congressman ako. Hindi ako basta-basta. CONGRESSMAN AKO!

Traffic Enforcer: So, anong gusto n’yong mangyari?

Motorist: ‘Di ka ba talaga nanonood o nagbabasa ng balita? Ano bang dapat ginagawa sa mga tulad ko?

Traffic Enforcer: Ibinubunyag ang kurapsyon! Tapos huhulihin! Then lilitisin at ikukulong habambuhay para ‘di na uli makapagnakaw.

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Sorry Sir, mabilis lang talaga akong mag-isip. Ano ba dapat?

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, pakitabi.  At ‘yung lisensya n’yo, pakilabas.

Motorist: ‘Sensya boss. Nagmamadali eh. May hearing kami. Congressman nga pala ako.

Traffic Enforcer: I see. So bakit kailangan n’yong sabihing congressman kayo? Ano ang gusto n’yong mangyari ngayon?

Motorist: Gusto kong sabihin mo nang maayos ang violation ko ‘tapos ticketan mo ako, kunin mo ang lisensya ko kung kinakailangan at magmumulta ako para tubusin ang lisensya sa tamang ahensya.

Traffic Enforcer: Hindi ka congressman! Sinungaling! Impostor! Mapagkunwari! Peke!

Motorist:

* * * * *

Traffic Enforcer: Sir, pakitabi. ‘Tsaka, ‘yung lisensya mo, patingin.

Motorist: Boss, Congressman ako. Nagmamadali ako.

Traffic Enforcer: Obvious nga Sir eh. Beating the red light ka.

Motorist: Pilosopo ka rin ‘no?

Traffic Enforcer: Nagsasabi lang ng totoo, Sir.

Motorist: Hindi ko gusto ‘yang tono ng pananalita mo. Totoong pulis ka ba o kunwa-kunwariang pulis lang?

Traffic Enforcer: Dati akong pulis-Caloocan, Sir.

Motorist:

Traffic Enforcer: Ano nga palang ‘di mo gusto sa pananalita ko, Sir?

Motorist: Ticketan mo na lang ako. Sige na para ‘di na tayo maabala pareho.
_______________________________________________________________________________
“Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.”
~Mwai Kibaki

Sound Bites
“If he would introduce himself as a congressman, and it be proven that he really is a congressman, don’t bring him to the precinct. Because if you bring him to the precinct, he would not be able to perform his functions [as a lawmaker].”
~Ilocos Norte Rep. Rodolfo Fariñas

Sus.

Elsewhere
The Young Turks hosts talk about Duterte’s “vigilante injustice”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jinggoy Estrada: ABSCBN News; The Enriles: Inquirer.net; Cartoon Stock.com]





DIGONG & PULONG (PART 2)

12 09 2017

Untitled
THE DAY AFTER. In Malacañang…

Digong: Kumusta ang hearing?

Pulong: Sisiw si Trillanes, Pa! Pinagmukha kong tanga habang nangungulit tungkol sa tattoo!

Digong: Walang napiga?

Pulong: Wala!

Digong: Walang bagong witness?

Pulong: Wala!

Digong: Walang ebidensya?

Pulong: Walang-wala!

Digong: In short, wala akong anak na sangkot sa smuggling, tama?

Pulong: Pa, tattoo ang topic. ‘Wag mong ibahin ang usapan.

* * * * *

Digong: Kilala mo si Kat De Castro?

Pulong: Siya ba ‘yung mataba?

Digong: Grabe ka naman. Mataba agad? Fat-shaming ‘yan. Pwede namang DOT ang gamiting reference.

Pulong: Sige Pa, ulitin mo ang tanong.

Digong: Kilala mo si Kat De Castro?

Pulong: Siya ba ‘yung mataba sa DOT?

Digong:

Pulong: Ituloy mo na Pa; magtatagal tayo.

Digong: Sa Facebook kasi, grabe ang suporta sa ‘yo. Kapag siya raw ang sinabihang magpakita ng tattoo, ang isasagot daw niya, “NO FREAKIN WAY.”

Pulong: Bakit, Pa? Sino bang interesado sa tattoo niya?

Digong: Exactly.

* * * * *

Digong: O, balita ko gustong makita ni Trillanes ang tattoo mo.

Pulong: Oo, Pa. Pero ‘di ako pumayag kaya inis na inis ang gago.

Digong: Good! Tama ang ginawa mo.

Pulong: Siyempre, nakinig ako sa payo mo.

Digong: Sandali. Matindi ang mga ibinibintang sa ‘yo: May dragon tattoo ka at sangkot ka raw sa smuggling ng druga. Totoo ba?

Pulong: Dragon tattoo at smuggling ng droga?!? Tang ina! Mamatay man ako, wala akong dragon tattoo, Pa!

* * * * *

Digong: Kumusta ang hearing?

Pulong: Ok naman, Pa. Pinahiya ko ‘yung Trillanes.

Digong: Paano?

Pulong: Inamin kong may tattoo ako sa likod pero nang sabihan akong ipakita ang tattoo, tumayo ako. ‘Tapos, umikot ako nang dalawang beses sa buong session hall habang tinitingnan ang bawat senador. Walang nagsasalita. Tapos, lumapit ako. Pumuwesto ako sa likuran niya. Nakaupo siya, nakatayo ako. Then, inilapit ko ang bibig ko sa tainga niya at sinigawan ko: “NO WAY! Ke lalaking tao mo, gusto mong makita ang likod ng kapwa mo lalaki? Putang ina, bakla ka ba?! BAKLA KA BA? Kadiri ka!”

Digong: Tama ‘yang ginawa mo! Sumagot ba?

Pulong: Sumigaw din siya! “Putang ina, matagal nang tsismis ‘yan ah! ‘Di pa ba kayo nagsasawa?!?”

Digong: Huh?

Pulong: Mali pala ang sinigawan kong senador, Pa. Si Migz Zubiri pala. ‘Tang ina.

* * * * *

Digong: Kumusta ang hearing?

Pulong: Dapat nanood ka, Pa. Nagmukhang tae ‘yung Trillanes.

Digong: Paano?

Pulong: Nang tanungin niya ako kung may tattoo ako sa likuran, sabi ko, “Oo.” Ang sumunod na tanong, kung dragon daw ba, sabi ko, “I invoke my right to privacy.” Tapos nang utusan akong ipakita sa publiko ang likod ko, tumayo ako; lumapit ako sa kanya. ‘Tapos habang kaharap ko siya, sumigaw ako: “No way! Bakla ka ba? Putang ina, naturingan kang sundalo pero babakla-bakla ka?! Kadiri ka! Gago.”

Digong: Ang husay mo

Pulong: Siyempre Pa, mana sa ‘yo.

Digong: Ang husay mong gumawa ng kwento. Tang ina mo! Napanood ko ang hearing, walang ganyang nangyari. Ulol!

Untitled
Digong: O, ano ‘yung picture mong kasama ang smuggler na si Charlie Tan?

Pulong: Wala ‘yun Pa, kaibigan lang.

Digong: May picture kayo sa eroplano eh.

Pulong: Wala ‘yun Pa, kainuman lang.

Digong: Eh ‘yung picture n’yo sa China, sa restaurant, at sa hotel?

Pulong: Sandali lang, Pa. ‘Di ba may picture din kayong dalawa sa Malacañang? Tapos, hawak pa nga niya ang portrait mo. Ano mo ba si Charlie Tan? Sagot!

Digong: I invoke my right to privacy.

Pulong: Ama nga kita.

* * * * *

Digong: Ano ‘yung sinabi ni Trillanes na may 104 million pesos kang pera sa bangko? Ang liit-liit ng sweldo mo tapos may ganyan kang kalaking pera?!?

Pulong: Pati ba naman ikaw Pa, naniniwala sa kasinungalingan ng Trillanes na ’yan?

Digong: Para mawala ang duda ko, mag-sign ka ng waiver para i-open ang iyong bank accounts.

Pulong: Eh kung ikaw kaya muna Pa ang mag-sign ng waiver para i-open ang iyong bank accounts?

Digong: Tama ka eh! Sinungaling ang Trillanes na ‘yan! Hindi dapat paniwalaan!

* * * * *

Digong: Igaganti kita anak.

Pulong: Paano, Pa?

Digong: May hawak akong documents. May bank accounts daw abroad si Trillanes.

Pulong: Ang galing mo, Pa! Saan mo kinuha?

Digong: Sa social media.

Pulong:

Digong: Choosy ka pa? ‘Tang inang ito. Buti nga meron. Sige, ikaw ang maghanap!

* * * * *

Digong: O, tapos na ang hearing. Safe ka na.

Pulong: Pero Pa, may lalabas pang report ang Senado eh. Malay mo, mabanggit ang Davao Group doon.

Digong: Bakit? Kaninong committee ba ang gagawa ng report?

Pulong: Kay Gordon.

Digong: Spell Gordon.

Pulong: K-A-D-D-S… Gordon!

Digong: See?? Safe!
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.”
~Franklin Pierce Adams

Sound Bites
“Secretary Aguirre undermines our justice system and his continued stay in office is a vulgar insult to the Filipino people and our efforts for a more just society.”
~Sen. Risa Hontiveros

#AguirreResign

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Trillanes/Pulong: ABSCBN News]





DIGONG & PULONG (PART 1)

6 09 2017

President-elect-Rodrigo-Duterte-Karlos-Manlupig-Inq-Min-May-28-2016-620x413
ISANG ARAW sa Malacañang…

Digong: Sa ayaw at sa gusto mo a-attend ka ng hearing!

Pulong: Sinabi ko na sa ‘yo Pa, ayaw kong umattend! Mahirap bang intindihin ‘yon?

Digong: Fine! Paiimbestigahan na lang kita.

Pulong: Anong oras ba?!

* * * * *

Digong: Noon ko pa sinabi sa ‘yo, itigil mo na ‘yang kagaguhan mo dahil ‘pag nabisto ‘yan, patay ka! Hindi ka nakinig! ‘Yan ang nangyari!

Pulong: Huwag kang ipokrito Pa, wala kang sinabing ganyan! Ni minsan!

Digong: Wala ba?

Pulong: Wala! Eh ‘di kung meron… sana tumino na ako.

Digong: Ulol! Kilala kita.

* * * * *

Digong: ‘Yan ang napapala ng katigasan ng iyong ulo! Wala ka nang ginawa kundi igiiit ang gusto mo! Akala mo kasi lagi kang tama! Akala mo, lagi kang nasa katwiran! Akala mo diyos ka!

Pulong: Tapos ka na Pa? Ako naman. Alam mo ‘yung idiom na, The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?

Digong: Gago! Umattend ka ng hearing!!!

Pulong: Sige, huwag na lang apple, Pa; durian na lang.

* * * * *

Digong: Nand’yan na ‘yan! ‘Di na pwedeng takbuhan. A-attend ka ng hearing!

Pulong: ‘Pa naman, ayaw kong umattend. Patay ako dun.

Digong: SABI KO: A-ATTEND KA NG HEARING!!!

Pulong: Anak mo ‘ko! Konting suporta naman!

Digong: Kaya nga kita pinapa-attend. Nag-iisa lang ako. ‘Pag sa Senado ka pumunta, maraming susuporta sa ‘yo dun.

Pulong:

Digong: At least 15.

Pulong: In fairness, nag-research.

Untitled
Pulong: Pa, kinakabahan ako. Baka madulas ako sa hearing. Ano bang sasabihin ko?

Digong: Wala kang sasabihin. Wala kang aaminin. Walang kang papangalanan.

Pulong: Ba’t pa ako umattend? Anong gagawin ko doon?

Digong: IIYAK KA!

Pulong: ‘Tang ina naman. Ayaw ko nang umattend!

Digong: Pwes, pinagbabawalan muna kitang makipagkita sa mga friends mo sa Davao Group!

Pulong: Sus! Ang dali-daling umiyak eh. EH di IIYAK!

* * * * *

Pulong: Pa, hindi ako nakatulog kagabi. Kinakabahan ako sa hearing. Ano bang sasabihin ko?

Digong: Sinong may sabing may “sasabihin” ka? MANANAHIMIK KA!

Pulong: Pupunta ako doon para manahimik?!? Eh bakit pa ako a-attend?

Digong: IIYAK KA!

Pulong: Pa naman. Kasiraan ‘yan sa image ko. Ayaw kong umiyak. Magmumukha akong tanga.

Digong: You decide… magmukhang tanga o magmukhang smuggler?

Pulong: Hmmm…

Digong: Gago! Nag-isip ka pa. Eh kahit naman umiyak ka, smuggler pa rin ang tingin nila sa ‘yo.

Pulong: May point.

* * * * *

Pulong: Pa, tanong lang. Prangkahan na tayo. Bakit tahimik ka sa 6.4 billion pesos na shabu shipment? ‘Di ba galit na galit ka sa droga? Ibig sabihin ba naniniwala kang sangkot kami sa smuggling?

Digong: Oo naman.

Pulong:

Digong: Joooke! ‘Wag ka na kasing magtanong. Masasaktan ka lang. Mag-rehearse ka na lang ng iyak mo.

Pulong: Yawa jud!

* * * * *

Pulong: Pa, ‘di ba sabi mo, magre-resign ka ‘pag may lumabas na evidence na sangkot kami sa smuggling?

Digong: Oo! That was my promise last week!

Pulong: Seryoso ka ba dun?

Digong: Oo nga!

Pulong: Pa, sorry, kinakabahan ako. Baka may hawak nga silang evidence.

Digong: Pisting yawa! Bakit?!? Sangkot ba talaga kayo sa smuggling?

Pulong: Oo, Pa.

Digong:

Pulong: Jooooke! ‘Wag ka na kasing magtanong Pa. Masasaktan ka lang.
———————————————————————————————————————————
“You can’t get rich in politics unless you’re a crook.”
~Harry S. Truman

Sound Bites
“Even in this era of kabastusan at pagmumura under the Duterte Administration, for as long as I am not cursing or using cuss words and I am not physically hurting anybody, then I am not crossing that line. I have never crossed that line.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on the ethics case filed by Dick Gordon

Balls.

Elsewhere
Inquirer Editorial: Gordon’s unethical complaint
“What happened on Aug. 31 was that Trillanes stood up to Gordon. Having lost that particular skirmish, Gordon has now resorted to an institution-damaging remedy.”

Dick.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Inquirer.net; Paolo Duterte: ABS-CBN News; Digong and Polong: MARO-PCO via CNN Philippines]





LOVE AND CARE

30 08 2017

1VACC
MURDER VICTIM Kian De Los Santos’s parents met with President Duterte in Malacañang over the weekend. After the meeting, a photo op followed with the couple making the ‘fist pump’ gesture with the President and VACC’s Dante Jimenez. Apparently, they were persuaded to still support the war on drugs that killed their son. Duterte described it as, “Persida Acosta’s most remarkable accomplishment yet.”

Fair Enough
The parents of Kian De Los Santos met with President Duterte in Malacañang last Sunday. Also present at the meeting were Vitaliano Aguirre, Dante Jimenez and Persida Acosta. It was the first time a sitting President met with the murder victim’s parents and the murder suspects’ defense team.

Witness Protection
DOJ Sec. Vitaliano Aguirre says the parents of Kian De Los Santos are now under the government’s witness protection program (WPP). This marks the first time in WPP history that witnesses were given state protection against the state.

Ano kaya ang gustong sabihin ni Vitaliano Aguirre?

0AguirreKian
A: “ Sige! ’Pag ‘di kayo nag-fist pump, paiimbestigahan ko kayo kay Bato! Fist pump na ‘tapos tingin lang sa camera! Walang gagalaw!”

B: “Pagkatapos nito, diretso kayo kay Mocha. May interview kayo. Requirement ‘yan sa lahat ng nasa Witness Protection Program. Umayos kayo sa pagsagot huh.”

C: “Alam n’yo ba ang totoo? Tinira-tira ko sa media ang anak n’yo pati na rin kayo. Sa totoo lang, napilitan lang akong gawin ito dahil si Presidente ang nag-utos. Pero kung ako lang ang masusunod, tae kayo sa akin. O, fist pump na tayo! Go!”

Staying
Vitaliano Aguirre says he will not step down as justice secretary despite resignation calls from various thinking sectors of the society. Aguirre says he will stay in office for as long as incompetence is a government policy.

New Assignment
President Duterte has assigned controversial Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido as police chief of Iloilo City. Espenido, who reportedly asked for this new assignment, vowed to eliminate drug addicts, drug pushers, and the PNP’s worst enemy, CCTVs.

1VACC
“God’s Will”
When asked if suspected criminals in Iloilo City would be killed, controversial Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido replied, “It’s up to God” – eliciting protest from Satan who insisted, “Give credit where credit is due. Please lang.”

Message
In his National Heroes Day speech, President Duterte urged Filipinos to honor our heroes by upholding the rule of law. Actually, his complete and exact words were, “As we continue to fight against lawlessness, let us uphold the rule of law. Charot!”

Land of the Loving
According to a recent survey conducted by Publicus Asia, a PR firm founded and headed by vocal Duterte supporter Malou Tiquia, President Duterte was the “most loving” and the “most caring” government official —  while Malou Tiquia is the most likely new appointee to a government post.

Publicus Asia CEO and founder Malou Tiquia says President Duterte is the “most loving” and “most caring” top government official. To which, Duterte said, “What do you want?”

Ill-gotten
Quoting an emissary, President Duterte on Tuesday said the Marcoses were willing “to return” SOME of their wealth to the Philippine government. Anytime now though, palace spokespersons are expected to clarify that President Duterte has been misquoted, and that the correct statement should have been, “Marcoses willing to return to government to amass more wealth.”

the-household-effects-listed-by-the-marcos-family-(1)_2016_03_13_10_30_47
THIS JUST IN: Intelligence agents intercepted these conversations between members of the Marcos family.

Bongbong: O, ibabalik na natin ang ill-gotten wealth sa gobyerno. Pero konti lang.

Imee: Huh? May ninakaw ba ang pamilya natin sa gobyerno?

Bongbong:

Imee: Nagtatanong lang! Ang liit-liit ko pa no’n ‘di ba?

* * * * *

Bongbong: Nagpasabi na ako kay Presidente. Ibabalik natin sa gobyerno ang bahagi ng ating kayamanan.

Imee: Ibabalik?!?!? So aaminin nating nagnakaw ang ating pamilya?!?

Bongbong: Bakit? Sa tingin mo ba may naniniwala pang ‘di tayo nagnakaw?

Imee: Hoy! Marami pa ring tanga sa Pilipinas.

Bongbong: So gusto mo, ‘wag na lang nating aminin?

Imee: Gusto ko, ‘wag na lang nating ibalik!

Bongbong:

Imee: Fine! Pero ‘wag nating sabihing “ibabalik.” Dapat “idu-donate!”

* * * * *

Bongbong: Ma, sinabi ko na ho kay Presidente, ibabalik natin ang portion ng ating kayamanan sa gobyerno. Pumayag naman. Two installments.

Imelda: Anong kapalit?

Bongbong: Sa first installment, ‘yung paglilibing kay Papa sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Imelda: Eh ‘yung second installment?

Bongbong: ‘Wag mo munang intindihin ‘yun, malakas ka pa naman.

Imelda: Puta ka!

* * * * *

Bongbong: Anak, dapat mong malaman… ibabalik natin sa government ang bahagi ng wealth ng family?

Sandro: What?!? IBABALIK?!? Did I hear it right?

Bongbong: Yes, why?

Sandro: My goodness, Dad! You should have not used the term IBABALIK! Ang bobo lang.

Bongbong: Dahan-dahan ka sa pananalita mo. Tatay mo ‘ko.

Sandro: Mali ka kasi eh! Hindi dapat ‘ibabalik!’ Dapat ‘ISOSOLI’ kasi mas familiar ang millennials sa word na ‘yun.

Bongbong: Ako pa talaga ang bobo. ‘Tang inang buhay ‘to.
______________________________________________________________________________________
“The secret lies of manipulative folks, however hidden and cunningly twisted shall eventually come out. Never trust manipulative politically motivated, sly liars while they pretend to be ‘true friends’ with noble and just cause.
~Angelica Hopes

Sound Bites
“You asked for the assignment sa Leyte, namatay ang mayor doon. You asked for another assignment sa Ozamiz, namatay ang mayor doon, si Parojinog. Ngayon, gusto mo sa Iloilo, kasi si Mabilog has been identified as a protector. Mabuhay kaya siya?”
~President Duterte to Chief Insp. Jovie Espenido

“It’s a damage-control measure pero too bad for them, na-late sila; kasi ang initial instinct ni Duterte ay magtago. It took them more than a week bago nila naisip na ganito ‘yung magandang gimik. Pero gimik lang ‘yan.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Duterte’s meeting with Kian’s parents

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kian’s Parents/Inquirer.Net;  Aguirre: DOJ; Espenido: Manila Bulletin]





THE BAR

21 08 2017

1Symbol

An old man, a drug dependent, and a murderer walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Good evening Mr. President.”

* * * * *

Martin Andanar walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Secretary, can I get you anything?” Andanar ponders, “What’s the best can you offer me?” The bartender replies, “A good editor.”

* * * * *

A group of majority bloc senators walk into a bar. The majority leader tells the bartender, “I believe we already have a reservation.” The bartender replies, “Of course! In fact, the President has been waiting for you.”

* * * * *

A Caloocan City cop was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked, “What’s your order sir?”

The cop answered, “I’m ordering you to disable all the CCTVs.”

* * *

A palace spokesman was also sitting at the bar. The bartender approached him and asked, “Did you hear it Mr. Secretary? That cop wanted me to disable the CCTVs!”

The palace spokesman replied, “It’s just a hyperbole. Don’t take him seriously.”

* * *

Dick Gordon, Tito Sotto, and Koko Pimentel were also there. They refused to believe the bartender’s claim and dismissed it as hearsay.

* * * * *

The bartender noticed Alan Peter Cayetano and his sister, Pia seated nearby and asked for their opinion. The siblings said, “We didn’t hear anything. No comment.”

* * *

Later that night, a 17-year-old walks into a bar. He comes out in a stretcher. Nobody saw what happened. The CCTVs were disabled.

1Symbol
Mocha Uson, Bruce Rivera, and two gnomes walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Where’d you get those trolls?”

Mocha Uson and Bruce Rivera answer, “These are not trolls! These are gnomes, idiot!”

The bartender replies, “I was talking to the gnomes!”

* * * * *

A sad-looking Mocha Uson walks into a bar. While checking the menu, she tells the bartender, “I wanna have fun. I want to be genuinely happy. I want to feel great. What should I have? Any suggestions?”

The bartender replies, “Ahm, brain?”

* * * * *

Joseph Estrada walks into a bar. Loi Ejercito appears and says, “It’s only 3 AM! Go back to our room!”

* * * * *

A group of congressmen walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve politicians here.” The congressmen chorused, “It’s fine. We don’t serve you either.”

* * * * *

A preacher, a billionaire, and a homophobe walked into a bar. Everyone was like, “Pacman, pa-autograph naman!”
——————————————————————————————————————————–
“You have to quit confusing madness with a mission.”
~Flannery O’Connor

Sound Bites
1DuterteQuotes

It’s on you butcher, it’s on you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Seal: Lei Reyes Marin Jr.; Credits to the owner of the Duterte quotes compilation. Somebody tweeted that to me sans attribution tho.]









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