DUTERTE: MAGTIIS KAYO! PU*!@#1&@ N^0! (A Lenten Message)

Katulad ni Hesus, tayong mga Pilipino ay dapat magtiis at magsakripisyo. Kung walang tubig, magtiis…

April 2019

Minamahal kong mga kababayan,

Ang Kuwaresma ay panahon ng pagtitika at sakripisyo.

Katulad ni Hesus, tayong mga Pilipino ay dapat magtiis at magsakripisyo. Kung walang tubig, magtiis. Kung brownout, magtiis. Kung walang trabaho dahil napunta na sa mga Chinese, magtiis. Kung naipit sa traffic, magtiis. Kung inosente at napatay sa raid ng pulis, magtiis. Ibinoto n’yo ako, magtiis kayo!

Ang pagsasakripisyo ngayong Kuwaresma ay isang paraan para mapalapit sa Itaas. Sa mga nagugutom at walang makain, huwag n’yong sisihin ang gobyerno. Isipin n’yo na lang na mas mapapalapit kayo sa Panginoon. Puro kayo reklamo, ‘tang i*a n’yo, magtrabaho kayo!

Sabi nga nila, we have to give up something for Lent lalo na ngayong Holy Week. Some people are giving up alcohol, ‘yung iba will give up smoking while some will give up meat. Mula nang ako’y maging presidente, consistent ako. Isa lang ang ginive-up ko, ang West Philippine Sea. P*tang i*a n’yo, kung gusto n’yong lumaban sa China, kayo na lang. Wala kayong barkong pang-guerra ‘tapos makikipag-agawan kayo ng isla, mga bobo kayo, ‘tang i*a n’yo!

Si Barrabas o si Hesus? Sino ba ang pinalaya ni Poncio Pilato? ‘Di ba ‘yung kriminal? ‘Wag kayong magreklamo kung bakit malaya pa rin sina Michael Yang at Peter Lim. Sumusunod lang ako sa Bibliya.

Si Hesus ay biktima ng paninira at maling bintang. Ganyang-ganyan ang ginagawa ng Bikoy na ‘yan sa aking pamilya. Lahat na lang idinawit mo sa druga p*tang i*a ka. Maliit ang t*ti mo pisti ka! ‘Yung akin, malaki! Ulol!

Maraming bumabatikos sa senatorial candidates ng Hugpong ng Pagbabago. Sabi nila, mga magnanakaw daw. Bakit? Anong masama sa magnanakaw? Nang ipako sa krus si Hesus, ‘di ba dalawang magnanakaw ang katabi niya? At anong sabi niya sa  magnanakaw? “Isasama kita sa kaharian ng Diyos.” Ang linaw ng sinabi n’ya. Kaya ‘di ko maintindihan kung bakit galit na galit kayo kina Bong Revilla at Jinggoy Estrada.

At dahil Holy Week, uso na naman ang Visita Iglesia. Kung ako sa n’yo, ‘wag na kayong magsimba. Pisti ‘yang mga pari at obispong ‘yan. ‘Pag nakasalubong n’yo, holdapin n’yo, ako ang bahala sa inyo.

Hanggang dito na lamang. Maraming salamat at nawa’y maging ligtas ang inyong bakasyon. Paalala lang: Huwag manlalaban. 


“A traitor leader is the outcome of a fool nation.”
~M.F. Moonzajer, ‘30 Pieces’

For a daily dose of political humor and more, follow me on Twitter: @HecklerForever8



Syjuco & The Ombudsman
Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino!

Ombudsman: Anong kaso?

Syjuco: Plunder tapos mass murder!

Ombudsman: May ibinulsa ba?

Syjuco: Hindi ko alam.

FOR THE second time in the last five months, a party-list representative from Sulu – identified in the news as Shernee Tan proposed the declaration of martial law nationwide. When Duterte heard this, he texted Tan and asked, “Sa’n mo ba gustong ma-appoint?”

According to party-list representative Shernee Tan, Congress must expand martial law in Luzon and the Visayas because of the presence of Communist rebels. If approved, Tan would next propose the declaration of martial law in Utrecht, The Netherlands.

Defense Secretary Delfin Lorenzana says it is not advisable to declare martial law in the Visayas and Luzon since CPP-NPA operations in those areas are “manageable.” Unlike Shernee Tan’s state of mind.

Mass Murder
Former TESDA chief Augusto Syjuco Jr. has filed mass murder and plunder charges against former president Noynoy Aquino in connection with the Dengvaxia vaccine controversy. When Duterte saw this in the news, he told Syjuco, “Isa-isa lang, hinahanapan ko pa ng puwesto si Shernee Tan.”

Former TESDA chief  Augusto Syjuco Jr. went to the Ombudsman’s office Friday and filed “mass murder” charges against former president Noynoy Aquino. Again, MASS MURDER! Syjuco is starting to worry though because his evidence – the “murder” victims, are still alive.

Syjuco & The Ombudsman
Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino!

Ombudsman: Anong kaso?

Syjuco: Plunder tapos mass murder!

Ombudsman: May ibinulsa ba?

Syjuco: Hindi ko alam.

Ombudsman: May mga namatay ba?

Syjuco: Hindi ko rin alam.

Ombudsman: Eh ‘yong term na TANGA, alam mo?


Ombudsman: Nagtatanong lang!

* * * * *

Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino ng mass murder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Kakasuhan ko rin siya ng plunder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Kakasuhan ko siya ng mass murder at plunder.

Ombudsman: Ok. May ebidensya ka ba?

Syjuco: Ako na nga ang bahala sa kaso, pati ba naman ebidensya ako pa rin?!?


Syjuco: Tanong ho ‘yon. Nagtatanong lang din.

* * * * *

Syjuco: Madam Ombudsman, kakasuhan ko si Noynoy Aquino ng plunder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Kakasuhan ko rin siya ng mass murder!

Ombudsman: Ok.

Syjuco: Mabibigat na kaso ’yan: plunder at mass murder.

Ombudsman: Ok. Nasaan ang ebidensya?

Syjuco: Kayo na ang maghanap, trabaho n’yo na yun.

Ombudsman: Ano ngang pangalan mo?

Syjuco: Augusto Syjuco.

Ombudsman: Akala ko Larry Gadon.


Ombudsman: Sure kang ‘di ka si Larry Gadon?

Photo Shoot
Paolo ‘Pulong’ Duterte’s daughter, Isabelle had a pre-debut photo shoot in Malacañang Palace no less! A glam team was invited to do the shoot. Rumors say Isabelle’s upcoming debut party has a budget of P6.4B.

Less than a month ago, the daughter of Duterte supporter, Robin Padilla was baptized at the Malago Clubhouse in Malacañang with President Duterte as ninong. Binyag. Birthday. And lest we forget, Malacañang has been promoting ‘libing’ since Duterte took office. #EventsPlace

In Other News…
Bureau of Customs collector Vincent Philip Maronilla who was implicated by PDEA in the smuggling of a shabu shipment worth P6.4B has been appointed by President Duterte as Customs district collector at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport. Maronilla thanked the President for the promotion and promised that he would be extra careful next time – for himself, his family, and Pulong Duterte.
“There’s money, and then there’s class. The two are often separated.”
~Kate Jacobs

Sound Bites
“The purpose was there. We’re just using each other, and I was using them.”
~Rodrigo Duterte on the Philippine Communist Movement

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Sheree Tan: Philippine Star ; Augusto Syjuco: Rappler; Isabelle Duterte: Jeff Galang]


UNHERALDED AUSTRALIAN Jeff Horn scored a controversial unanimous decision win over Manny Pacquiao in Brisbane.

UNHERALDED AUSTRALIAN Jeff Horn scored a controversial unanimous decision win over Manny Pacquiao in Brisbane. The fight lasted 12 rounds and some analysts faulted Pacquiao for this. He took an assignment lightly and failed to do his job well. Apparently, Pacquiao thought he was at the Senate.

According to Compubox, Pacquiao outlanded Horn, 182 to 92 but the three judges at ringside scored the fight 117-111, 115-113, and 115-113 all for the former school teacher. Horn took home the WBO welterweight belt while Pacquiao went home with a “WTF just happened?!?” look on his face.

Despite the controversial loss, Malacañang said, “Nothing will change. Manny Pacquiao will remain our People’s Champ.” And a Duterte lackey, a death penalty advocate, an EJK supporter, and a Bible-quoting bigot.

Some lawmakers and several Pacquiao allies in both chambers of Congress lamented the loss saying he was “robbed.” Whether you agree with them or not, you can’t just dismiss the opinion of people who are experts on robbery.

Interviewed after his stunning defeat, Manny Pacquiao thanked his Filipino fans and his family for rallying behind him. He also expressed appreciation to his wife, Jinkee for her unblinking support.

Pacquiao’s trainer Freddie Roach says Manny should seek a rematch and then retire because “he’s got nothing left to prove.” Pacquiao said he’ll make a final decision after consulting with his family, his wife Jinkee, and the BIR.

For Manny Pacquiao, the rematch, if there would be one, should take place in Manila. Jeff Horn is worried though since people who fight back in Manila end up being dead.

Interviewed after the controversial 12-round fight, Jeff Horn revealed his wife was pregnant. And it took them only three rounds to make that happen.

1Vicious Fan
Angry and bitter fans of Manny Pacquiao flooded Jeff Horn’s social media accounts with insults, profanities, curses and sexist comments. Foreign media described the comments as “vicious” – Or as that’s also called here in the Philippines, “presidential.”
“Karma bides it’s time. You will always have to watch out. Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~Benjamin Bayani

Sound Bites
“I’ve just believed since I was very young that I could do this.”
~Jeff Horn

Now you know.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Jeff Horn:AP Photo/Tertius Pickard; PacHorn: Getty Images; Pacman and Jinkee: Dyan Castillejo/ANC]


PNP Chief Bato Dela Rosa claimed he was a “proud descendant” of Dr. Jose P. Rizal.

JUNE 19 marked the 156th birth anniversary of Dr. Jose P. Rizal. Interviewed at the Rizal Shrine in Calamba, Laguna, PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ Dela Rosa claimed he was a descendant of our national hero. In response, Jose Rizal said, “This has got to be my worst birthday ever.”

On the celebration of the 156th birth anniversary of Dr. Jose Rizal, PNP Chief Bato Dela Rosa told the media he was a “proud descendant” of our national hero. Like Rizal, Bato says, he loves the Filipinos and he loves the Philippines. And he also loves attention.

State of Health
Is he sick? Is he in the hospital? Is he dying? After making himself scarce for five working days, President Duterte resurfaced in Butuan City last Sunday. He told the media, “I’m good. I’m alive.” Even Death doesn’t want to have anything to do with him.

When pressed about the issue, the President said, “I went on a trip somewhere. I cannot divulge it. I have to go there incognito. That’s the truth.” Of these four statements though, Malacañang has yet to identify which ones are hyperbole and which ones are not.


Last week, netizens hit Sen. Cynthia Villar for saying unli-rice promos in restaurants should be prohibited because eating too much rice may lead to diabetes. A day later, Mrs. Villar clarified she just voiced out a legitimate health concern and was not pushing for a ban on unli-rice promos. And Senator Drilon was like, “Good to know.”

According to the World Economic Forum, the country’s ranking in the 2017 Travel and Tourism Competitiveness Index dropped five places to 79th spot out of 136 countries. As of this morning, the Department of Tourism is still trying to figure out a way to blame this on McCann Worldgroup.


As we all know, the Department of Tourism decided to cut ties with McCann Worldgroup amid allegations the agency copied its ‘Experience the Philippines’ ad from South Africa’s tourism advertisement. The public now wants to know what agency will replace McCann; when will the new ad be released, and why on earth is Wanda Teo still the DOT secretary?!?

The Mummy
Tom Cruise’s latest film, ‘The Mummy’ is performing poorly at the box office. ‘The Mummy’ tells the story of an awakened female monster who embarks on a furious rampage; wreaking havoc and destruction with the help of her minions by spreading fake news and hate on social media.
“Blaming others is an act of refusing to take responsibility. When a person can’t accept the fact or the reality, they blamed another person or the situation instead of taking accountability.”
~Dee Dee Artner

Burn Tulfo, Burn!
Investigative journalist Ed Lingao who was unfairly and viciously attacked on-air by Radyo Singko host Erwin Tulfo (and online, by Dutertrolls) posted a rejoinder on Facebook. This is our ‘Burn of the Week.’ Reposting the screen caps from Mr. Lingao’s Facebook account.

Sound Bites
“Sa kama lang naman ako, kayo naman. Coma? Kung coma ako, eh ‘di wala ako dito para mamutang ina.”
~President Duterte on health-related rumors

“Kung mag-research ka, makita n’yo sa kanilang family tree, sa mother side, meron doong nakalagay, isa sa mga lola niya Inez dela Rosa kaya ‘yun ang kina-capitalize ko na kine-claim ko na descendant ako ni Jose Rizal.”
~PNP Chief Bato Dela Rosa

Patahimikin n’yo na si Rizal. Please lang. Thank you.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Bato: Inquirer.net; Cynthia Villar: ABSCBN News; McCann/DOT: Rappler; Ed Lingao: PCIJ]


Former classmates and co-workers say Mateen was an angry, stubborn, trashtalking man who always talked about killing.

IN A STRONGLY-WORDED statement, UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon condemns President-elect Rodrigo Duterte’s “apparent endorsement of extrajudicial killings.” Atty. Salvador Panelo blames “incorrect news reports” for the UN leader’s “wrong perception” and explains, “The President-elect has not endorsed, cannot and will never endorse extrajudicial killings.” To those asking, Atty. Salvador Panelo is the incoming presidential sanitizer.

Imaginary Q&A
Reporter: Sabi n’yo po wala kayong sakit. May medical report ho ba kayong maipapakita?

Duterte: Tang-ina, bastos ka ah! How is the vagina of your wife? Is it smelly? Or not smelly? Give me the report.

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, mahalagang pagtuunan ng pansin ang kalusugan ng kababaihan. Healthy body, healthy mommy, healthy baby. That’s the essence of being a woman. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Hashtag ElNiñoLaNiña…

Duterte: El Niño, La Niña. ‘Tang ina, ‘di pa nga ako tapos sa el snatcher at la droga, bibigyan n’yo pa ako ng panibagong problema. Sige! Kayo na rito. Bwisit!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, hindi niya pwedeng ipagwalang-bahala ang bantang dulot ng climate change. Isa ‘yan sa kanyang tututukan kapag nasa palasyo na. Thank you.

* * *

Reporter: Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pambabatikos ng mga obispo?

Duterte: Putang ina nila! Ipokrito sila!

Panelo: Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, dapat maging open ang Simbahan sa mga pagbabago sa ating lipunan. Thank you.

Lawyer Salvador Panelo will no longer be appointed as presidential spokesperson. Reports quoted Duterte as saying Panelo’s assignment as spokesman was temporary. Sought for a reaction, Panelo said, “Ang sabi po ng ating president-elect, napakahusay kong abogado para lang maging tagapagsalita. Thank you.”

1mateenOrlando Massacre
The US is still in shock following the murder of 49 people in Orlando by a lone shooter identified as Omar Mateen. Former classmates and co-workers described Mateen as an angry, stubborn, trashtalking man who always talked about killing. In other words, he had the potential to become president.

Defeated vice presidential candidate Ferdinand ‘Bongbong’ Marcos Jr. is incensed. In a recent statement, he spoke about vote buying, vote manipulation, and election fraud. Which sounded familiar because, as it turned out, he was reading from a document called, ‘The Martial Law Years.’

Accusing the administration of cheating in the last elections, Bongbong Marcos said, “Napakawalanghiya ang pagkagawa sa pambabastos at pagbabalewala sa boses ng taumbayan.” Or as his father would say, “Note to self.”

Drug Test
Incoming House speaker Pantaleon Alvarez is open to the idea of requiring lawmakers to take a drug test when the 17th Congress opens next month. In totally unrelated news, Jules Ledesma is really glad his term is over.

Negros Occidental Rep. Jules Ledesma is a three-termer solon. We won’t be seeing him in the upcoming 17th Congress just as we didn’t see him in the 14th, 15th and 16th Congresses.

There’s a currently popular online test called, “Gaano ka kademonyo” that ‘calculates’ how “evil” a Facebook user is. I took the test for fun and the result showed I was 234 percent evil. A friend was “more evil” at 285 percent. When President-elect Rodrigo Duterte took the test, he got this reply, “Thank you for taking the test. No need to calculate… Master.”
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
~Mark Twain

Sound Bites
“I long for the day when the LGBT community no longer has to live in fear of discrimination and hate crimes.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago (She turned 71 on June 15. Happy birthday Senator!)

“Love makes us strong. Love gives us the courage to act. Love gives us hope that change is possible. Love allows us to change the script. So love your country. Love your family. Love the families and the victims and the people of Orlando, but let’s remember that love is a verb. And to love means to do something.”
~Stephen Colbert on the Orlando club massacre

Love will always win.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Panelo: ABSCBN News; Mateen: fox News]


Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile turns 92 on February 14.

In the news today: Accused plunderer Juan Ponce Enrile has announced he would campaign for presidential candidate Jojo Binay. In totally unrelated news, social anthropologists have completely debunked the old adage, ‘Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.”

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is confident he’ll be a free man once his trial is over. In fact, the signs are encouraging: he was granted bail; he’s back at the Senate, and Jojo Binay is ahead in the surveys.

Scientists at the Lilly & Putt Laboratories in the Bahamas are reportedly studying the “miraculous” recovery of Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. The lawmaker appeared to be very sickly while still in detention but sprang back to good health after posting bail. The scientists believe Enrile has a rare case of Sakitsakitanitis palusotium.

Birthday Boy
Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile turns 92 on February 14. Yup, he’s already 92 and tireless. With Vice President Binay, Mang Johnny promises to lead UNA to victory in the coming elections. To those asking about the UNA hierarchy , Binay is the chairman of the party while Enrile is the corpse commander.

Addressing questions about his health, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Sa mga nag-iisip na sana patay na ako, you will have your wish one day.” To which one shocked Senate reporter said, “You’re still alive?!”

Vice President Binay’s spokesman Joey Salgado says the number of poor Filipinos has increased under the Aquino administration. Salgado made the statement shortly after looking out the window of his posh condo unit and saw the slums of Makati City.

San Miguel Beer overcome a 0-3 game deficit to clinch the PBA Philippine Cup title against Alaska Milk. Basketball fanatics described the seemingly improbable feat as “SMB coming back from the dead.” Or as political observers would call it, the “Enrile syndrome.”

SMB Coach Leo Austria says even if you’re in the bottom, do not give up because “Miracles are just around the corner.” His words will likely inspire basketball players, other coaches, and Mar Roxas.

First Ladies
Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says if he becomes president his first wife and his current girlfriend will have separate rooms in Malacañang. Even Joseph Estrada was like, “Gago!”

If he becomes president, Mayor Duterte vows to provide separate rooms for his first wife and his current girlfriend in Malacañang. When sought for a reaction, Mayor Erap said he would never ever do that – mainly because there would be a shortage of rooms.

Taiwan Traffic
The mayor of Taipei City has threatened to sack Department of Transportation Commissioner Chung Hui-yu for her department’s failure to solve the city’s recent traffic problems. Motorists have also called for the resignation of Hui-yu, a senior transportation planner who has a master’s degree from the Jun Abaya School of Management.
“What is it about the government and its agents and employees that they can lie to us with impunity, but we risk being sent to jail if we lie to them?”
~Andrew P. Napolitano

Sound Bites
“I am for Jojo Binay. I will bet on Binay. Why would I bet on someone who will lose?”
~Juan Ponce Enrile

‘Wag bobo sa Mayo.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Enrile; Rappler; Makati slums: Inquirer.Net; SMB: Rappler]


CHRISTIANS are observing the annual Holy Week tradition. It’s that week of pain, penance, and suffering. Or as Metro Manila motorists would say, “everyday.”


We all know what happened ‘that week.’ It all began at the time of the festival of Passover. Jesus arrived in Jerusalem on a donkey instead of a car because of the LTO’s “no registration, no travel policy.”

According to the Gospels, Jesus was arrested after the Last Supper. No fanfare, no media coverage, and no petition filed for  hospital arrest.


Roman officers with swords and shields made the arrest after the Last Supper. Reliable sources revealed President Aquino was already in the area for the expected turnover.

One of his disciples, Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. But karma caught up with Judas. Just a few days after getting his reward, he was slapped with tax evasion charges by Kim Henares.

There were some tense moments when the Romans sent by the high priests arrived to make the arrest. Some disciples tried to intervene. This could have been avoided if there was proper coordination before they launched the operation.

The Gospel of John tells us that when Jesus is being arrested, one of his disciples takes a sword and cuts off the ear of a hight priest’s servant. The  ear would never be seen again as it was sent to the US for DNA testing.

Another disciple, Peter had his share of controversy. When Jesus was arrested, he followed the arresting officers. But a woman recognized him and said, “You’re friends with him!” Peter denied Jesus thrice until the woman showed a piece of evidence: a photo showing Jesus partying with his disciples including Peter, and news anchor Vicky Morales.

Jesus is then tried and condemned by the Sanhedrin. He was sentenced to death by crucifixion. On Golgotha, he was crucified between two actor-politicians.

There you have it. My crucifixion joke. I hope I nailed it.

Lenten Message
Malacañang released President Aquino’s recorded Lenten message the other day. According to Rappler, the gist of the President’s message was “others before self.” Incidentally, the title of the Lenten message was, “When things go bad, who should be blamed?”

1gfLee Kuan Yew
Vice President Binay said Lee Kuan Yew, the highly-respected founder of Singapore, was his “inspiration in rebuilding Makati.” When Lee Kuan Yew heard this, he slapped an angel.

The valedictorian of a public school in Malabon received a medal with an image of their congresswoman. The medal was 1 percent gold and 99 percent campaign paraphernalia.
“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart.”
~Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

Sound Bites
“Lee Kuan Yew made Singapore immensely rich, while Makati made Mr. Binay immensely rich. That’s the difference.”
~Prof. Solita Collas-Monsod

Have a safe and fun holiday break!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Shadow of the Cross.Org; Catholica.com.au; Prophecy in the News.com; PixShark.com; Mothership.Sg]