HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! 2012 is over. It’s the first week of 2013. Time to ask yourselves, “What happened to my bonus (and cash gift)? Where did it go?”

But here’s a piece of good news! This year, there’s no scheduled Apocalypse.

Water Snake
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, a feng shui expert said Vice President Jojo Binay should not expect a favorable 2013. But the vice president is unfazed. He’s more concerned about 2016.

Experts say 2013 is not a good year for Vice President Binay. Apparently, the Water Snake is not compatible with the dark Horse.

The same expert says Pig people like former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo shall have the lowest energy this year. Like, hello, we can see that.

This year, Pig people like Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will have the lowest energy – while Dr. Eric Tayag will have the highest energy.

Yet another expert says President Aquino should look for a Monkey, a Dragon or an Ox to be romantically happy this year. Surprisingly, the expert didn’t mention humans.

The feng shui expert adds Ox people like former president Joseph Estrada will be lucky in politics this year. Sought for comment, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim said he’s not into feng shui.

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim is a Snake. And Joseph Estrada was like, “I know.”

JUST IN: Suspended Cebu Governor Gwendolyn Garcia belies reports she was born in the year of the Gecko.

According to Health Secretary Enrique Ona, the number of firecracker injuries dropped this year. Of the total number of victims, 219 or 54 percent used illegal firecrackers. They are called idiots.

In Manila, a man is facing frustrated murder charges for throwing a lit firecracker at his mother-in-law. The suspect explained he was just trying to fight fire with fire.

In Hollywood…
Kim Kardashian is pregnant. At least, we know the baby’s going to have Kardashian blood. Take that Khloe!

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are having a baby! Kris Jenner couldn’t wait to sell the video of the birth.

Kanye and Kim are going to be first time parents soon. Kanye wants to name their baby, ‘Wild Wild.’

MADAM KALACHUCHI returns with more predictions for the year:

Magiging mailap pa rin kay Pangulong Aquino ang romansa. If it’s any consolation, napaghandaan niya.

Muling gaganda ang imahe ni Tito Sotto. Sa susunod na lifetime.

Hindi matutuloy ang Pacquiao-Marquez 5. Mas posible pang matuloy ang Tulfo-Barretto 2.

Kung hindi mag-iingat, dadapuan ng sakit si Secretary Mar Roxas. Sasabihin ng doktor, “Na-stress.” Sasabihin ni Korina, “Namaligno.”

Matatalo sa pagka-kongresista ng Cebu si Annabelle Rama. Walang magugulat.

In Showbiz…
Patuloy ang pagdami ng ‘affair’ movies. Maiinspire ang mga Pinoy. Dadami ang kabit.

May nagbabantang tumalo sa kasikatan ni Charice. Ang kanyang buhok.

Hindi iiwan ni Sharon Cuneta ang Twitter. Siya ang iiwan nito.
“Masses are always breeding grounds of psychic epidemics.”
~Carl Jung

Proclamation No. 459: Declaring the Regular Holidays, Special (Non-Working) Days, And Special Holiday (For All Schools) For the Year 2013


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


BREAKING: The Transit of Venus happened earlier today. The phenomenon happens when the planet passes directly between the sun and the Earth. This will be the last Transit of Venus of the century. The previous century’s Transit of Venus happened in 1882 and it was witnessed by the very young Juan Ponce Enrile and the even younger Serafin Cuevas.

IT’S A VERY BUSY week for President Aquino. I’m not forcing you to believe me but it looks like it.

President Aquino will visit London, Washington DC, and Los Angeles. The working visits are expected to boost the country’s security, the Philippine economy, and his State of the Nation Address.

The President is in London right now. He met with British Prime Minister David Cameron who brought with him the person closest to his heart, his wife Samantha Sheffield. Not to be outdone, President Aquino brought with him DOTC Secretary Mar Roxas.

The President is also expected to see American Idol Season 11 runner-up Jessica Sanchez in Los Angeles. It’s the highly anticipated meet-up between today’s most popular & respected Filipino, and President Aquino.

Noy & Rene
Interviewed live on TV Patrol, President Aquino described Renato Corona as “(ang) mukha ng mali sa hudikatura.” But the interview got a little awkward when he described Niel Tupas as “(ang) mukha ng tama sa lehislatura.”

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte says he’d rather reveal his girlfriend than make public the details of his SALN… to the utter disappointment of President Aquino who couldn’t accept the fact Belmonte’s got a girlfriend.

Noy’s Lovelife
President Aquino was reportedly spotted on a dinner with a new girl at Bonifacio High Street in Taguig City recently. Sketchy reports say the new date is either a college student or a banker who is pretty and fair-skinned with suspected Electra complex.

School Opening
Classes in public schools have resumed. And you know classes are officially back when the rain begins to fall; you see groups of kids in uniform, and the DPWH starts making road repairs.

Top 5 Things You Wouldn’t Want to Hear From Your Children’s Teacher on the First Day of Classes

No. 5: “Mga bata, maglabas kayo ng 50 pesos. Kailangan nating bumili ng bagong flower vase, pasô, floorwax at doormat. Wala na ring chalk.”

No. 4: “Sinong nanood ng ‘The Buzz’ kahapon? Si John Lloyd ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit naghiwalay sina Angelica at Derek?”

No. 3: “Pasensya! Ngayon lang nag-advise si Mayor eh. Parating daw ang malakas na bagyo. In five seconds, nand’yan na. Hala, umuwi na kayo!”

No. 2: “Girls, boys… dating gawi. Section A sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga; Section B sa ilalim ng puno ng narra!”

And the no. 1 thing you wouldn’t want to hear from your children’s teacher on the first day of classes…

“Mula ngayon, hindi na ako magbebenta ng tocino. Promise. Now, sinong ‘di pa nakakapanood ng The Avengers? Meron ako dito. Blu-Ray copy na. Tatlo-isandaan lang.”

Lawmaker Sha
Sharon Cuneta tweeted that Senators Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Jinggoy Estrada “want” her to run for senator. In the interest of fairness, we’ll try to get the side of the two lawmakers.

In London… Queen Elizabeth celebrated her 60th year on the throne. In 2046, the Binays will celebrate theirs in Makati City.

In Florida… A 34-year-old woman attacked her 27-year-old boyfriend for refusing to have sex with her. President Aquino described the victim as stupid.

In Egypt… former President Hosni Mubarak was sentenced to life in prison. Still pending before the courts is a tax evasion case against his eldest son, Mikey Mubarak.
“The educated differ from the uneducated as much as the living differ from the dead.”
~ Aristotle

Quotes Quiz. Who said:
“On the Senate impeachment vote, in the end, history will judge us.”
A: Sen. Franklin Drilon
B: Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago
C: Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile
D: Sen. Bongbong Marcos

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Quotes Quiz Answer: B


MAGANDANG ARAW! Matagal-tagal na rin nating hindi naririnig ang mga saloobin, babala, pangitain, at hula ng mga bituin. Ngunit sa araw na ito, mapalad tayo dahil sila ay nagbabalik mula sa matagal na pagkakahimbing! Salamat sa maaliwalas na panahon. Kaya tara na, halina’t basahin ang nakaumang na kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa ating lipunan.

Paunawa: Ang mga ito ay batay lamang sa galaw ng mga tala. Kung ayaw maniwala, kontrahin. Sapagkat katulad ng walang sawa at paulit-ulit na paalala ni Aling Zenaida Seva, “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran, gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” Ulitin mo. This time, basahin mo nang malakas: “Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran, gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.” Wow. Inulit nga.

Let’s begin.
Pangulong Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Dahil sa mga jokes mo, madadagdagan pa ang mga babaeng malili-link sa ‘yo. Pero hanggang do’n na lang ‘yon. Mananatiling punchline ang iyong lovelife.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Birth: November 11, 1942
Sign: Scorpio
Payuhan ang mga kaalyado mong ‘text brigade’ na limitahan ang pag-ti-text ng iyong accomplishments. Matagal pa ang eleksyon. Huwag atat.

Cong. Manny Pacquiao
Birth: December 17, 1978
Sign: Sagittarius
Katulad ng iyong pinapangarap, mananalo kang bise presidente sa 2016. Hindi mo na kailangang mangampanya. Halos tiyak na ang panalo mo bilang VP ng Homeowners Association. Congratulations!

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Napapansin ng mga bituin na lumi-level up ang iyong katarayan kapag napag-uusapan ang babaeng ‘Rosebud’ ang pangalan. Kontrolin ang emosyon kung ayaw mong patuloy kang pagdudahan.

Cong. Mohammed Hussein Pangandaman
Birth: No available info online
Sign: Malay ko!
Huwag mag-alala sakaling ma-suspend, ma-expel, o matapos man ang iyong termino bilang kongresista. May bright future ka sa boxing.
Iwasang magtungo sa Agusan Del Sur. Alam mo na! Mainit ang dugo nila sa mga bu…
Lucky Number: “Pucha! Ocho!”

Atty. Jose Miguel “Mike” Arroyo
Birth: June 27, 1946
Sign: Gemini
Dahil sa ‘di inaasahang salpukan ng mga bituin, may magaganap na aksidente. Mababagsakan ka ng second hand na chopper anytime next week. Isa lang ang posibleng makapigil sa malagim na pangyayaring ito! Umamin ka sa iyong mga pagkakasala sa masang Pilipino!

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Birth: April 5, 1947
Sign: Aries
Katabi ka ni Atty. Mike Arroyo kapag bumagsak ang second hand na chopper. Try mo na lang umilag. Good luck!

Former ARMM Governor Zaldy Ampatuan
Birth: August 22, 1967
Sign: Leo
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang mag-apply sa Witness Protection Program ng pamahalaan. Mapapahiya ka lamang. But all is not lost. Subukan mong mag-apply sa susunod na lifetime. Baka may chance.

Pasig RTC Judge Rolando Mislang
Birth: Ewan.
Sign: Hindi siya sikat.
Magandang kapalaran ang naghihintay sa ‘yo. Tatanggap ka ng malaking halaga kapalit ng kontrobersyal na desisyon pabor sa isang negosyanteng sinasabing nanloko sa Pag-IBIG Fund. Uy, balato naman jan! O kaya, burger! Burger! Burger!

Petron, Shell, Chevron, atbp.
Birth: It doesn’t matter.
Sign: Really bad.
Magpapatuloy ang inyong suwerte. Tiba-tiba pa rin kayo. Magsimba at magpasalamat dahil kahit sino yatang maupo sa Department of Energy, forever n’yo nang kakampi! Syet.

De La Salle Green Archers
Birth: 1986
Sign: Not good.
Congratulations! Pasok na pasok kayo sa “Final 4” – literal na “Final 4” ng UAAP Season 74. Ka-level n’yo na ang NU, UP at UE. Kung hindi magbabago ang alignment ng mga planeta, posibleng mapalitan ang inyong coach. Ipinapayong magbakasyon muna kayo habang nagdiriwang ang buong Ateneo. Ouch.

KC Concepcion
Birth: April 7, 1985
Sign: Aries
May hangganan ang pang-unawa. Walang mawawala kung itatanong mo sa iyong sarili: “Bakit ko ba pinasok ‘to?” Kapag nasagot mo ang tanong na ‘yan, makikita mo ang liwanag.

Palihim na Hula ng mga Bituin
No. 1: Isang popular na pulitiko ang masasangkot sa panibagong iskandalo. ‘Magbubunga’ ang kanyang pakikipaglaro ng apoy sa isang estudyante. May nakikitang “dilaw” at “berde” ang mga bituin sa babaeng sangkot sa usapin. Hanggang d’yan na lang muna ang mga clues. Careful ang mga bituin. Ayaw nilang ma-libel.

No. 2: Isang kakapanganak pa lamang na kabit ang posibleng sugurin ng asawa ng isang kilalang pulitiko. Ikinuwento kasi ng kabit na ito sa isang member ng media na ipinagpatayo siya ng bahay ng kanyang politician-lover sa subdibisyon kung saan nakatira ang orihinal na pamilya ni lalaki. Ang lakas lang ng loob niyang magkuwento. Sabi nga ni Melanie Marquez, “The nerd!”
“The signs of the zodiac are karmic patterns; the planets are the looms; the will is the weaver.”
~Author Unknown

In Brazil…
A teenager reportedly died after masturbating 48 times non-stop. Well, he had it cumming.

Move.PH: PNoy’s Top Love Life Quips

Miss Philippines Shamcey Supsup gets nod of top pageant website

You Have Spoken
Matapos marinig ang dalawang panig, sino ang iyong pinapaniwalaan?
-Security guard Ricardo Bonayog 89.92%
-Lanao Del Sur Rep. Hussein Pangandaman 1.16%
-Korte na lang sana ang mag-decide 8.91%

Have a safe and happy weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


President Aquino is reportedly amazed at the very huge amount allocated by China to the Philippines. Unfortunately, nobody informed the President that it represents just half of China’s “downpayment” for our claim to the Spratlys.

In a speech before the Filipino community in Beijing, President Aquino lamented that his lovelife has gone from regular to light to zero just like Coca-Cola. If the President was complaining about a basic human right, China’s not the right place to talk about it.

Justice Secretary Leila de Lima lifted the watchlist order against Attorney Jose Miguel Arroyo last Thursday. This means that the former First Gentleman will no longer need to seek government permission when traveling outside the country – say, Algeria.
Last Thursday, September 1, President Aquino announced that Customs Commissioner Angelito Alvarez’ last day in office will be on September 15. Too soon huh! Alvarez wasn’t complaining though since the media had already informed him of his termination way back in June.

Today is September 3, 2011. There are only 112 days until Christmas. For Commissioner Angelito Alvarez it’s “12 days before Good Friday.”

New LTFRB Chief
There is a new LTFRB chair – lawyer Jaime Jacob. He’s a member of the Liberal Party and he lost in last year’s elections. Or as President Aquino’s search committee would say, “just exactly what we’re looking for.”

Nereus Acosta has been appointed as acting general manager of the Laguna Lake Development Authority. Jaime Jacob is the new LTFRB chairman. Ruffy Biazon’s appointment to the Bureau of Customs is expected to be announced soon. Acosta, Jacob, and Biazon are all members of the Liberal Party who lost in the last elections. Observers describe them as loyal, hardworking, competent, and ‘political accommodations.’

Public Service Announcement

Ciara on RH Bill
Defending her father, Sen. Tito Sotto on his anti-Reproductive Health bill stance, starlet Ciara Sotto says, “Ang ipinaglalaban ni Daddy, huwag kayong mas marunong pa sa Diyos. I believe that God will not create a world na masyadong marami ‘yong mga tao.” Apparently, Ciara’s not aware of the existence of China.

Shalani’s New Guy?
President Aquino’s former girlfriend, Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad is reportedly dating Pasig City Rep. Roman Romulo. Meanwhile, Iza Calzado who recently broke up with model/businessman Atticus King reportedly dated President Aquino before the latter visited China. Standard and Poor’s has denied it was behind the double downgrade.

Mexican boxer Juan Manuel Marquez revealed that he drinks his urine. That’s nothing compared to former President Arroyo who eats her words.
“Politics I supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.”
~Ronald Reagan

You Have Spoken
Do you segregate garbage at home?
-Absolutely. Dapat lang naman ‘di ba? 43.46%
-No. Ang hirap gawin eh. 21.99%
-Minsan lang. Kapag sinisipag. 34.55%

Congratulations to Direk Floy Quintos and Prof. (tama ba ako Lallie?) Layeta Bucoy for winning yet again in the prestigious Palanca Awards for Literature.

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Have a great weekend!

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