THE SECOND HALF

THE YEAR is almost over. Here’s a recap of some of my [personal] favorite posts from July to the present. In case you missed it…

#1muPork Barrel Fund Scam
Like Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada, Senator Enrile was examined by doctors in Camp Crame. The results: Blood Pressure 200 over 90; Pulse, 84, and Heart, It’s Complicated.

Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored girlfriend Gigi Reyes was also arrested last Friday. Or as Cristina Enrile calls it, ‘the best day of my life.’

The Sandiganbayan ordered the transfer of Gigi Reyes to the BJMP jail at Camp Bagong Diwa, Bicutan, Taguig City. The anti-graft court denied her petition to be detained in Camp Crame. Prosecutors hailed the ruling as a victory for justice, taxpayers, and Cristina Enrile.

On Wednesday night, Gigi Reyes experienced anxiety attack – allegedly, so she was rushed to the Taguig-Pateros District Hospital. On Friday night, she was transferred to the Philippine Heart Center in Quezon City on suspicions she had a heart problem. Doctors immediately examined her and concluded she has a condition called, “still in love and couldn’t move on.”

The lawyer of Janet Lim-Napoles says the pork barrel queen is happy now because, “She has given up her life for the Lord.” This morning, the Lord replied, “No, thanks!”

The Sandiganbayan granted Gigi Reyes’s petition to undergo a brain scan at the PGH. The controversial lawyer, who is facing plunder charges reportedly banged her head against the wall last August 5. Aww, that’s unfortunate. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the wall.

A news report says Jinggoy Estrada is suffering from the same illness as Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: arthritis of the neck. The report has been dismissed as baseless and preposterous mostly because Jinggoy doesn’t have a neck.

The Anti-Money Laundering Council has discovered that Bong Revilla lied in his SALN. Among other things.

1BINThe Binays
Vice President Binay’s rating in Pulse Asia’s September 2014 survey on Filipinos’ presidential preferences dropped to 31 percent from 41 percent in June. Rumors say Binay is depressed because he lost 10 percent – something that’s unusual for him. He’s so used to gaining 13 percent.

Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada says he will run for president in 2016 if Vice President Binay is adopted by the Liberal Party. In short, the next elections will probably be a choice between Estrada and Binay. One is a womanizing, graft-tainted, long-serving politician and the other one is Erap.

Of the government’s four highest-ranking officials, Vice President Binay got the highest trust and approval rating. It was so high… Junjun Binay had to take the elevator.

Vice President Binay insists corruption allegations against him and his family are politically-motivated because he continues to top presidential surveys. Detractors should also be wary of the fact that mudslinging the Binays is a waste of mud.

1MCORR
Makati residents gathered in front of the building to show their support for the Binays. One resident held a placard that said, “Walang corrupt sa Makati.” In totally unrelated news, wala na raw Katoliko sa Vatican City.

The alleged Binay estate in Rosario, Batangas has an air-conditioned piggery – the second of its kind to be built in the Philippines… after Batasang Pambansa.

The release of his youngest daughter’s Instagram photos has angered Vice President Binay. For him, what Alan Peter Cayetano did was too much. Joanna Marie Binay who captioned one of her photos, “Our place in Batangas.” has since deactivated her Instagram account. Antonio Tiu couldn’t help but pity the young Binay. He was so affected he came close to admitting that he owned the Instagram account.

Reports say tycoon Manny Pangilinan is being considered by Vice President Binay as a potential running mate in 2016. Interesting. One is an intelligent, hardworking guy who has made billions from his empire and the other one is Manny Pangilinan.

1NOYPresident Aquino
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, 55 percent of Filipinos were satisfied with President Aquino’s performance. The rest were Noranians.

According to online reports, President Aquino’s motorcade halted traffic on Haight St. in San Francisco, California when his entourage dropped by a McDonald’s restaurant to eat lunch. After finishing his meal, President Aquino bought some McDonald’s toys for his allies in Congress. Each of his solon-friends will get a Hamburglar.

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, 6 in 10 Filipinos do not want a second term for President Aquino. The six were identified as Jojo, Junjun, Nancy, Abby, Anne, and Elenita.

November 7 marks the first anniversary of Super Typhoon Yolanda. President Aquino and his men visited the areas most severely damaged by the super typhoon. First stop, Malacañang.

A group wants President Aquino to seek a second term saying he’s “the best and only successor.” The group calls itself “MORE2COME.” Personally though, President Aquino finds “MORE2COME” a bit of a challenge. At his age.

Phivolcs says Mayon Volcano is restive again and an “eruption is possible within weeks.” When President Aquino heard this, he said, “’Buti pa ‘yong Mayon, pumuputok pa.”

2IMImelda
On her 85th birthday, Imelda Marcos prayed for strength to prolong her existence. In response, God gave her formalin.

On her birthday, Imelda visited her constituents and handed them cash gifts. The people thanked her for giving them back their money.

Imelda Marcos is confident of reclaiming Malacañang through her son Bongbong Marcos. If Marcos Jr. gets elected, his wife Louise will have too many shoes to fill.

Arrested
Jovito Palparan, the retired major general who was labeled as “The Butcher” by leftists has been arrested in Manila. The lone informant will receive a bounty of 2 million pesos. The NBI has submitted his name to the President, the DOJ and the BIR.

Reports say the intelligence operation to capture retired Major General Jovito Palparan was codenamed Project Runway. When arresting agents came face to face with Palparan though, they changed the operation code to Ambush Makeover.

At least 10 police officers were allegedly behind the EDSA-Mandaluyong robbery-abduction case last week.Two of the cops were “repeat offenders.” SPO1 Ramil Hachero and PO2 Jonathan Rodriguez were slapped with the same charges in 2011. Apparently, they never learned. Hachero and Rodriguez are the Jinggoy Estrada of the police force.

1PacPacquiao
Manny Pacquiao has been drafted in the PBA by the team that earlier named him as coach. The world class boxer-turned actor-turned politician-turned TV host-turned motivational speaker-turned cager will suit up as KIA’s playing coach. That explains why TV5’s latest programming puts the PBA under the category ‘Sitcom.’

At the PBA Rookie Draft on Sunday, KIA also picked Manny’s cousin, the unheralded and the inexperienced Rene Pacquiao. Observers believe he was chosen only because of Manny’s influence and popularity. Rene Pacquiao is the Nancy Binay of the PBA.

Congested
According to the Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, the congestion rate of jails nationwide is now at 326 percent. In fact, some detention cells reportedly have congestion rates of more than 1,000 percent. However, not all facilities with criminals are congested. Exception: Batasang Pambansa.

Attraction
Manila Crocodile Park’s newest attraction is a huge croc named Longlong – a robotic replica of Lolong, once the world’s largest crocodile in captivity. Made of fiber glass and steel, Longlong can crawl, open its mouth, move its head, and deliver privilege speeches.

Brownouts
Several areas in Metro Manila and adjacent provinces are experiencing rotating brownouts. Or as the Aquinos would call it, “legacy.”

Be Proud
The 8th National Nutrition Survey of the Food and Nutrition Research Institute showed 3 out of 10 Filipinos were overweight and obese. To those three, don’t be sad and don’t feel bad. Double chin up!

Three years after signing a five-year [rumored] billion-peso contract with TV5, actress Sharon Cuneta has severed ties with the Kapatid Network. Sources say it wasn’t an easy decision. The Megastar will leave the network with a heavy heart, hips, arms, and thighs.

1JBVideo Scandal
TV host Paolo Bediones has filed a formal complaint against people who released and uploaded copies of his sex video. The PNP says the uploaded sex video is a vital piece of hard evidence that will definitely stand up in court.

Part 2 of newsman Paolo Bediones’s sex video is reportedly being shared online. Bediones has since apologized to his home network, and to Hayden Kho for ‘copyright infringement.’

Cheaters
A new study has revealed men over 5’10” are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. And Kris Aquino was like, “True!”
—————————————————————————————
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.”
~Jarod Kintz

Sound Bites
“That’s out of the question. He’s not running for vice president. He prefers to tend to his business than run for vice president.”
~Sen. Cynthia Villar on former senator Manny Villar

Have a great weekend! Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

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ICYMI

albie
THE SOCHI OLYMPICS will officially close next week. The government has four more years to ignore potential Olympians again.

I feel sort of under the weather so I’ll just be reposting some of my favorite humor pieces. In case you missed it…

Pork Barrel Scam
Lorna Kapunan insists Janet Napoles doesn’t own a yacht. To be fair, she owns the government.

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “The recent events which unfolded before us have given us the chance to finally REFORM the system.” To which the ‘system’ replied, “You first!”

Pork scam whistleblowers say there are two code names for Jinggoy Estrada. One is “Kuya” – which is self-explanatory. And another is “Sexy” – which just tarnished the witnesses’ credibility.

On Twitter, neophyte senator JV Ejercito said, “I think I can manage to perform my duties as a senator without the PDAF. After all, I was elected as a legislator.” And Jinggoy Estrada was like, “O, nagsisimula ka na naman ng away!”

A survey conducted by Inquirer.Net showed 96.2 percent of Filipinos wanted the pork barrel abolished. The rest were lawmakers.

albie
According to research firm MillWard Brown, the top 10 global luxury brands of 2013 are Louis Vuitton, Hermes, Gucci, Prada, Rolex, Chanel, Cartier, Burberry, Fendi and Coach. Or as Jeane Napoles would say, “My entire closet.”

The $1.475 million condo unit of Jeane Napoles in California is reportedly up for sale. The 1,500 square foot-Ritz Carlton property has two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and 12 bathtubs.

A Philippine Daily Inquirer report says Janet Napoles owns at least 28 houses… the biggest of which are the two Houses of Congress.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago called on Congress to abolish the pork barrel system by 2016. To which Janet Napoles said, “Harsh!”

The Senate has an ongoing investigation on the pork barrel scam. Several reports say the alleged pork barrel queen may be invited to face the senators – or as Janet Napoles would call it, “reunion.”

Leyte Representative Martin Romualdez who heads the group says COA chief Grace Pulido-Tan has done “irreparable damage” to Congress. What’s there to damage?

A certain Atty. Enrique dela Cruz said his client, Senator Enrile did not authorize Gigi Reyes to perform acts on his behalf. Reyes responded saying she felt betrayed by Enrile. To which Cristina Ponce Enrile said, “Ako rin!”

albie
In an interview, lawyer Lorna Kapunan reveals she has a love life, and she’s sexually-active. Thousands of sexless viewers heaved a sigh of relief. There’s still hope. THERE’S STILL HOPE!

Bong Revilla appealed to the public to not prejudge him. He also denied accusations he put the “bong” in “pandarambong.”

Undated photos of Sen. Frank Drilon with the Napoles couple are circulating online. Analysts say it’s the most damning evidence yet since it marks the first time Janet Lim-Napoles was seen with actual pork.

Lorna Kapunan says her (ex)-client, Janet Lim-Napoles has been “talking to herself” lately. Worse, she’s not getting any response.

albie
Typhoon Nakaw
A petition asking PAGASA to name typhoons after corrupt politicians has been launched online. But the weather bureau rejected it because there’s not enough typhoons to accommodate all names.

Stolen Shots
Mark Joseph Tajo Solis, a graduate student from UP is in hot water these days. A multiple photo contest winner, it turned out that his winning entries were stolen. This kid has a bright future in Congress.

Toy Law
President Aquino has enacted a law mandating labels on toys to protect the public from potential dangers. A similar law must be enacted to mandate labels on lawmakers.

Trusted
A Pulse Asia survey showed 36 percent of Filipinos trusted the Senate while 34 percent of Filipinos trusted the House of Representatives. I do not trust those Filipinos.

bakya
“Tweeter”
According to Vatican Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi, Jesus was the “world’s first tweeter.” However, Ravasi refused to confirm rumors that Jesus also attempted to Instagram a photo of two fish and five loaves of bread.

Hi-tech City
Manila officials have just announced plans to install free Wi-Fi service in waiting sheds around the city so that residents could go online anytime using mobile phones and other gadgets. The plan was lauded by students and office workers, and was praised by holduppers, snatchers and robbers.

“Decapitated”
In Pasay City, a 34-year-old wife cut off her 51-year-old husband’s penis in a fit of jealous rage. Authorities are reportedly filing a case against the wife. But I seriously doubt if the case will prosper. The evidence would not stand up in court.

Traffic
There was a monstrous traffic jam in the metro last Wednesday. Edsa wasn’t moving. And Jinky Pacquiao’s face was like, “I know the feeling.”

Single
In China, a frustrated Chinese man cuts off his penis because he’s tired of being single. Will somebody please check on President Aquino!

1
New Planet
Astronomers have spotted “a strange, lonely” planet floating “alone” in space. They named it ‘Noynoy.

Racism in Switzerland?
Oprah Winfrey revealed that while shopping in Zurich, she asked a boutique saleslady if she could see a bag right above her head. The woman replied, “No. It’s too expensive.” Oprah was offended. The next day, she bought Zurich.
——————————————-
“Karma is unforgiving and always gets payback.”
~ Benjamin Bayani, The Nation

Sound Bites
“Netizens must critically understand the cybercrime decision before joining the angry bandwagon. That said, I invite the outraged to call Sotto an idiot in a truly #NonLibelousTweet. Know that doing so is no cybercrime, but part of a storied tradition traced to our parents who stood against tanks at Edsa in 1986 and to the sacrifice of all who died wearing our flag and uniform in our great nation’s history.”
~ Oscar Franklin Tan, Calling Tito Sotto an idiot is no cybercrime

Headline of the Week
albie

albie

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Cartoon.com, 123rf.com, KoreaTimes.com, GMANews.com]

THE DEVIL RETURNS

IN 2012, we had a series of exclusive interviews with the Devil.

Last week, after concluding its 2013 world tour that included stops in Syria, Iran, North Korea, and South Sudan, the Devil returned to Manila. We had a brief chat the other day, and I am sharing with you the following excerpts from that conversation.

Untitled
Kumusta ka na Mr Devil?

Heto, masama pa rin. Ikaw, how are you?

Oh, I’m fine. I’m good.

Pathetic. Walang excitement at challenge ang buhay. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Diretso na tayo sa mga isyu. Ruby Tuason is in the news. Gusto niyang maging state witness sa pork barrel scam. Anong masasabi mo?

That bitch! She’s one of my protégés. Ilang taon ko rin siyang tinulungan pero ito pa ang iginanti niya sa akin: ang magpakabuti at itama ang mali! Pagsisisihan n’ya ito!

Itinatanggi ni Jinggoy ang mga akusasyon ni Ruby Tuason. Wala raw siyang tinanggap na kickback from his pork barrel. Ni isang kusing daw ay wala siyang ibinulsa.

I taught him well. Keep it up Senator!

Sabi ni Justice Sec. Leila De Lima, ‘slam dunk’ evidence ang magiging testimonya ni Ruby Tuason. Any reaction?

Nag-react na ako kamakalawa.

Saan? Nagpa-interview ka ba?

Hindi. Pero kung anong sinabi ng inyong bise presidente, sang-ayon ako. Walang kwenta ang testimonya ng traydor na babaeng ‘yan!

You mean… friends kayo ni Vice President Binay?!?!

Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan, hindi ako!

How’s your relationship with Senator Tanda?

Awesome. Hindi ko na matandaan kung kailan kami unang nagkakilala but we communicate regularly! I will always be proud of Manong Johnny. And of course, Gigi. What a lovely couple!

Uy, nag-birthday nga pala si President Aquino noong Sabado ah!

So???! That sexless, balding, and aging haciendero!

Bakit parang ang laki ng galit mo? May pinaghuhugutan?

Naman! Kung ‘di dahil sa Daang Matuwid ng gunggong na ‘yan, malaya pa sana si Ma’am Janet! Masyado siyang KJ! Pati raket ng may raket, pinapakialaman! Eh kung inuuna muna kaya niya ang kanyang love life sa halip na imbestigahan ang pagnanakaw ng iba! Inggit ka?!? Eh ‘di mamorsiyento ka rin, bobo! Tarantado!

Ang sama mo namang magsalita.

Kaya nga demonyo eh. Isa ka pang bobo!

You’re so evil!

Thank you!

WoT
Nabalitaan mo ba ‘yong Wheel of Torture sa isang kulungan sa Biñan? Ito ‘yong may pinapaikot na roleta ‘tapos kung saan tumapat, ‘yon ang magiging form of torture sa mga inmates.

Alam mo, saludo talaga ako sa creativity ng mga Pinoy. Kahit ako, ‘di ko naisip ‘yung gano’ng kademonyong gimmick eh. Nakaka-insecure! Akalain mong may mas demonyong idea pa pala sa akin ang mga jail guards. Hashtag #G2BCopsAmazingStory #Winnner!

Pag-usapan naman natin ‘tong kaso ni Vhong Navarro. Ano ang masasabi mo kay Cedric Lee?

Adorable! Narinig mo ba ang interview sa kanya? He said, “Hindi ko kailangan ang palakpak n’yo. Hindi ko kailangan ang boto n’yo. Hindi ako tatakbo. Wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin n’yo.”

‘Tang-ina! Nagliyab ang Angas Meter sa impyerno habang sinusukat ko ang kaangasan niya. Cedric… ikaw na! I’m so proud of you.

May bago pala siyang spokesman. Sabi ni Atty. Raymond Fortun, underdog daw si Cedric sa labang ito. What can you say?

What more can I say? Mahusay na abogado si Raymond. Naks! First name basis. At tama ang desisyon niyang ipagtanggol si Cedric. He’s on the wrong side! My side! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Close ba kayo ni Attorney Fortun?

Minsan. Pero nabwisit talaga ako sa kanya last year. Akalain mo bang nag-lawyer siya sa mga petitioners versus PDAF! Gago pala siya eh. Ang resulta: idineklarang unconstitutional ng Supreme Court ang pork barrel system. So kung nagbabasa ka ng blog na ito Raymond… next time, gamitin mo ‘yang utak mo! Kung walang pork barrel, anong nanakawin ng mga pulitiko? Tanga ka ba?!

Ruby
Balik tayo kay Vhong. May nangyari nga bang rape?

I wish! Eh ‘di kung may nangyaring rape, nagpa-party pa ako. Sayang nga eh!

May message ka ba kay Vhong?

(Kumukumpas) Kuya Vhong… may anak ka ring dalawang lalaki! Pagtanda nila, hayaan mo lang silang mambabae! Huwag mo silang pigilang pumunta sa condo para magdala ng food. Kuya Vhong, kung mabugbog sila dahil sa pagtataksil sa kanilang girlfriend, okay lang ‘yon Kuya Vhong. Kakampi mo naman ang ABS-CBN eh. May magtatanggol sa kanila gabi-gabi – mula TV Patrol hanggang UKG… Kuya Vhong!

Moving on… pag-usapan naman natin ang

Wait lang. Hindi pa ako tapos! Kuya Vhong… I will not pray for you.

Ok, that’s enough. Punta na tayo sa Rapid Round. Magbibigay ako ng names… sabihin mo sa akin ang first impression or message mo sa kanila.

Sure!

Let’s start with Meralco…
Huwaaat? 4.16 pesos per kilowatt hour increase? Ang baba naman! Taasan n‘yo pa. Lumpuhin n’yo pa ang customers! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Manny Pacquiao…
Kapal ng mukha mo! Isinusumpa ko… babalik ka rin sa akin pagdating ng araw. FYI, you’re so missing a lot: casino, babae, alak! Magbago ka na bago mahuli ang lahat!

Kris Aquino…
Walang maitutulong sa iyong love life ang kabibisita mo sa Manaoag. Sa ‘kin ka na lang maniwala. I can give you ‘anyone’ you like.

Bong Revilla…
Ipagpatuloy mo lang ang ginagawa mo. Wala namang namamatay sa kadi-deny eh. Sige lang!

Davidson Banggayan alias David Tan…
Sorry. Busy ako last month kaya ‘di kita na-protektahan. ‘Di bale, pilferage lang naman ang kaso natin. Kayang-kayang malampasan ‘yan!

Mayor Rodrigo Duterte…
Patay tayo d’yan! Next!

Janet Lim-Napoles…
This too shall pass! ‘Pakatatag ka lang d’yan. Don’t lose hope greed. And don’t forget to believe in Me. #BFFs

Deniece Cornejo…
I see great potential in you. Stay strong!

Benhur Luy and the whistleblowers…
Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu! Pakyu all! Mga traydor!

Pope Francis…
WHATEVERRRRRR. #Overrated!

President Aquino…
Single! Single! Single! Single! Single!

So, personalan na ito?
Matagal na! ‘Tuwid na Daan’ my ass! Marami pa rin akong kampon sa gobyerno. Hindi ka magtatagumpay kalbo!

ruby jinggoy
Sa Thursday, imbitado si Ruby Tuason sa isang hearing sa Senado. Dadalo ka ba?

Bakit pa?! ‘Di rin naman a-attend ang mga ‘close friends’ ko. Sa impyerno na lang ako manonood.

Ilang tulog na lang, Valentine’s Day na… meron ka bang date o kahit anong plano?

‘Di ka rin nag-iisip ‘no? Wala sa bokabularyo ko ang pagmamahal dahil hatred, selos at LQ ang advocacy ko… bobo!

Kung maka-bobo naman ‘tong demonyong ‘to! Hayup!

Alam ko! Thank you.
———————————————-
“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”
~ Oscar Wilde

MichaelSound Bites
“My house is mortgaged. It’s a crazy investment. I don’t even think anyone at the president’s office knows there’s a Filipino skating in the Olympics.”
~Maria Theresa Martinez, mother of Sochi Olympian Michael Christian Martinez

News reports say businessman Manny Pangilinan financed Michael’s training. His mother revealed she tried to reach out to President Aquino for financial assistance but was apparently ignored.

“Nice one Mr. President, nice one!” – The Devil

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: SearchBestCartoon, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Startalk, Associated Press]

EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Silence

LESS THAN 24 HOURS after Pasay City RTC Judge Jesus Mupas allowed her to post bail, former president and incumbent Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo granted this blogger an exclusive interview. The conversation took place at a wellness center in Tagaytay City where she’s seeking alternative treatment. Here’s the transcript of the short interview – unedited.


Madam President, magandang umaga po.

Shobra! Tama ang shinabi mo, ‘no? Napakaganda ng umagang ito.

Ano po ang reaksyon n’yo sa naging pasya ng korte na payagan kayong magpiyansa?

Sa totoo lang, nagulat kaming lahat dito sa oshpital. Sabi nga ng eldesht kong apo, “Unang appeal pa lang, piyansa agad-agad for Lola?!? ‘Di ba pwedeng house arresht muna?” Ang mga bata talaga ngayon kung anu-anong natututunan sa telebishyon.

May mensahe ho ba kayo kay Judge Jesus Mupas?

He ish my savior! He’s really living up to his first name. Shana ay tuluy-tuloy na ‘to. Alam mo na! Not guilty, ‘no?!

Walong buwan po kayong nakakulong. Napakaraming…

Exshcuse me, hindi ako nakakulong. I wash confined. Ang inmate… sha kulungan. Ang pashyente sa pagamutan. Pashyente ako, hindi preso, ‘no?! Please take note of that.

Sige ma’am. Ibang isyu na po tayo. Napanood n’yo ba ang SONA ni Pangulong Aquino last Monday?

Oh, was that hish SONA? Akala ko naman novena. Nakatulog ako sha sobrang haba eh.

Sabi po ni Presidente sa speech niya, hindi niya matatanggap ang forgive and forget. Ano pong masasabi n’yo?

Wala akong masashabi d’yan. Unang-una, he’s not probably referring to me but to hish failed relationships. Frushtrated lang ‘yan dahil hindi niya maisishi sa akin ang kawalan niya ng love life. Besides, who ish asking for his forgivenessh ba? Not me.

Kainitan ho ngayon ng usapin tungkol sa agawan ng isla sa West Philippine Sea. Kung kayo ho ang nasa pwesto ng Presidente, ano ang posibleng gawin n’yo?

‘Yan ang sinashabi ko sa pangulo n’yo. Puro target shooting at videoke ang inaatupag. Mag-aral ‘ka mo sha ng golf. During my time, kapag may isyu with the Chinese, pupunta lamang kami ni Mike sa China, makikipaglaro ng one round of golf, at voila, sealed ang deal. It’s that shimple. One more tip: Kung maglalaro siya ng golf sa China, huwag na huwag isasama ang mag-asawang De Venecia at bawal magdala ng camera. Alam mo na!.

Tatakbo ho ba kayo sa susunod na eleksyon?

Mas gusto kong tumakbo palabash ng bansa. Ay! Ano ba ‘yong sinabi ko? Off the record please.


You’ve had three surgeries na po. Why seek alternative treatment now?

Alam mo, ang karamdaman ko ay hindi ordinaryo. Para rin itong pulitiko. Kumbaga, naka-tatlong termino na ako, ‘di na uli pwedeng kumandidato. Pero, may alternatives. Pwedeng mag-governor naman or kung malakash sa survey, mag-senator. Kung ‘di pa rin umubra, I’ll leave everything up to God. Shabi nga ng aking amang si Ka Dadong, “Do what ish right, do what ish best, and God will take care of the rest.”

In peace?

Shobra ka naman. Malakash pa ako.

Ano po ang sunod na gagawin n’yo after ng pagpapagamot dito sa Tagaytay?

God willing, gushto kong manood ng pelikula ni Ate Vi, ‘yong ‘The Healing.’ At kung may orash pa, mukhang maganda rin ‘yong ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ dahil favorite ko si Christian Bail.

Joke po ‘yon?

Hihihi. Na-getsh mo? Pasensha na sa humor ko. Noynoy Aquino lang ang peg: dry. Hihihi

Maiba ako ma’am. Recently ay pinag-debatehan na naman ang National Artist Award dahil kay Mang Dolphy.

Oo nga eh. Nakakalungkot. Hindi ko man lang inabutan ang kanyang burol. Gusto ko pa naman sana siyang makita.

Ngayon ma’am, gusto n’yo s’yang makita?

‘Wag muna naman ngayon. Ikaw talaga! May Noynoy mindset ka. Parang gusto mo na rin akong mawala sa mundo, ‘no?!

Ay hindi ma’am. Nililinaw ko lang po. By the way, may ilang questions po rito sent via Twitter. Pakisagot na lang po kung pwede.”

Shure. Pakibilishan lang dahil kailangan ko nang magpahinga. Shumasakit na naman ang likod ko.

From @Ernee_Maseda: “Kumusta na ang sex life ni madam? Plenty pa rin ba?”

Mashyadong tsismosho naman ang nagtanong na ‘yan. Well, hindi na kami bumabata ni Mike kaya medyo malaki na ang nabawash, ‘noh. Pero katulad ng lunas sa sakit, may alternatives naman. Shecret na ‘yon.

Thank you for that honest answer ma’am. Ang sunod na tanong ay mula kay @Annabail_Ramma: “May plunder case ka pa ‘day. Paanu mo haharapin ang mga kasu mo ‘day? Unavailable offense ‘yon ‘day.”

Shimple lang. Dapat maliwanag ang iyong pag-iisip. Mahalaga ang peace of mind. Hindi pwedeng padalush-dalosh. Bawat gagawin at sasabihin, pag-ishipan muna. By the way, it’s ‘unbailable’ not ‘unavailable.’

May quick reply po si @Annabail_Ramma. Sabi niya, “Hay naku ‘day! ‘Wag mu kung liktyuran sa spilling ‘day. Baka hambalusin kita ng tungkod ‘day! Siguru kakampi ka ni Mahalia Fuintis ‘day! Magsama kayo sa impyirnu ‘day!”

Hindi ko na sha papatulan. Pero let me take this opportunity to say hi to Chito Alcid. Wala lang.

Thank you ma’am. Our last question was tweeted by a certain @AThorneyEdwin_Lamyerda. He said, “Napakarami mong kaaway. Nakakatulog ka pa ba sa gabi? Pakisagot!”

You first.


Maraming salamat Mrs. President. Any final message para sa ‘yong constituents sa Pampanga?

Sa aking mga Kabalen, mayap a bengi. Dacal a salamat kaluguran. Manyampukaki ing lugud mi kekayu.

Dacal a salamat Mrs. President.

At sa mga shupporters ko sa buong bansa, maraming shalamat sa inyong mga dasal. Lagi nating tandaan, if there’s a will, there’s a chair. Thank you.
—————-
“The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.”
~ David Foster Wallace

Have a peaceful and safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL AWARDS


IMMEDIATELY AFTER the conviction of the Chief Justice on Tuesday, May 29, the Corona Impeachment Trial for Unity & Solidarity (COITUS) Awards were held at the impeachment court. The Coitus was taped and will be telecast on a delayed basis real soon. Nonetheless, I was able to get a copy of the full transcript of the event. Enjoy!

Senate Sgt. At Arms: All rise for tonight’s host, the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

(Canned applause/ Music: Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO)

Helllllooooo! I’m baaaack! Gosh, I can’t explain how I feel right now! Grabeeee! This moment is so much bigger than me and the Cojuangco clan. I’m just so happy. Wait, before we formally begin, can I just share a story? Promise, quick lang ‘to.

I was on the phone with Noy last night, sabi niya, “Kristina, can you please pray for a guilty verdict tomorrow?” Siyempre, presidente na ‘yong tumawag sa ‘kin kaya no choice ako ‘noh! ‘Tsaka afraid naman ako baka sabihin ni Ate Pinky, “Kris, minsan lang makiusap ang kuya mo. ‘Wag mong tanggihan!” So that night, kasama ko si Bimby at si Josh, we prayed the rosary and super pray talaga kami kay Mama Mary. Wait, andun pala sa bahay si Sweet pero ayaw niyang mag-pray kasi pro-Corona daw siya. Aha-ha-ha Sorry John Lapus, nilaglag kita. Bakit? Eh totoo namang crush mo si Atty Midas Marquez ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha.

Anyway, so ‘yon na nga. Sabay-sabay kaming nag-pray no’ng dalawang bagets na sana maka-16 man lang just to convict CJ. Happy na kami do’n. Then while watching the voting kanina, biglang nag-17, 18 then nag-19 pa. So naloka na ko nang bonggang-bongga. Sabi ko, “OA ka Mama Mary, pinagmumukha mo naman akong dupang!” Aha-ha-ha ‘Tapos umabot pa ng 20… gosh. We’re really blessed. Thankful talaga ako. As in. Kaya sa 20 brave senators, I love you naaaa! Promise, I will tell Noy to increase your pork barrel. Gusto n’yo ba ‘yon?

(Silence)


Ay, deadma?? ‘K. Fine. Kung ayaw n’yo… mga congressmen na lang ang tatanungin ko. Those guys sa left in Barong Tagalog, gusto n’yo ba ng increase sa pork barrel?

Gusto!!!

Bongga! Walang hesitation! Basta pork barrel, ang bibilis. Aha-ha-ha! With that, let’s staaaaart! Welcome to the Corona Impeachment Trial for Unity & Solidarity or COITUS Awards! Tonight, bibigyan natin ng parangal ang ilang impeachment players na agaw-eksena talaga sa 44 days ng trial. Kung mapapansin n’yo, Vicki Belo is present sa gallery. Hi Vickiiiii! Sponsor natin siya tonight. Smile ka naman d’yan! There! Ang cute talaga ng ngiti mo friend. very unique. Promise. Lips lang talaga ang gumagalaw. You’re so talented! Aha-ha-ha!


Here we gooo! Itodo na natin dahil si Congresswoman Agabas ay may pupuntahan pa yatang kasal. In fairness, ninang na ninang ang aura mo today madam. I luveeeeet! Special awards muna tayo! Just so you know, a jury monitored the vote and the explanation kanina of each senator at doon namin ibinatay ang parangal na ito. The results were tabulated by the accounting firm of Ernst & Young. Ito ang “It’s All About Me!” Award. Envelope please.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Murang Pabahay Realty… Mura man ang bahay, hindi naman inaanay)

The “It’s All About Me!” Award goes to…

(Drum Roll)

Senator Manny Villar! Yeeeeey! Congratulations! Come here Senator, get mo ang Coitus trophy mo.

(Cue instrumental music: Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura…)

Thank you, Kris. Maraming salamat. Kung hindi mo mamasamain, ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng award na ito?

Helllllo! Eh kasi naman Senator, nag-moment ka pa sa iyong explanation kanina. Si Corona ang accused remember? Not you! Eh bakit pati Villaroyo, pagligo sa dagat ng basura, black propaganda, kahirapan, at C5 issue noong 2010 kinalkal mo pa? Kaloka ka! Gusto mo bang imbestigahan ka rin? Joke lang! O sha, go na. Happy 20th anniversary na lang sa Villar Foundation! Ang aga ng TV commercial huh! Ayaw ng Comelec ng ganyan!

Moving on… Before our major awards, can we give Senator Lapid a round of applause, please? Kasi, he trended worldwide kanina! Winnnner! Palakpakan natin siya!

(Boisterous applause)


In fairness to him huh, nag-trend siya talaga for like 32.764 minutes. Promise. Sorry Bong! Pero tinalbugan ka talaga ni Senator Lapid. Kung siya, worldwide trending, ikaw naman, trending lang sa bandang Bacoor at Kamuning! Aha-ha-ha! I love you Lani!

Our next category is the “Most Damaging Testimony” Award. The nominees are…
– Ombudsman Conchita “Mea culpa” Carpio-Morales. In fairness, nakipagsabayan siya kay Senator Miriam! Bongga! (Canned applause)

– Land Registration Authority Administrator Eulalio “45 Properties” Diaz III. Love siya ni Noy. Go Ateneo! (Canned applause)

And lastly, Chief Justice Renato “Hypoglycemia” Corona. Matapos umamin sa ‘di nadeklarang dollar accounts, mega-walkout?? Rudeness!!! Imbyerna ang judges! I’m sure!

Sino sa palagay n’yo ang winner??! Envelope please.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Philippine Weekly Inquirer: Balanced Views, Fearless News Or So They Claim)

And the “Most Damaging Testimony” Award goes to… Any guesses guys?

(Drum roll)

Journalist/blogger Raissa Robles!!! Yeeeey! Congratulations!

Is Raissa here? Wala? Anyway, you have done a tremendous job Raissa – better than the congressmen and the private prosecutors combined! Walang bola! You so deserve this! I am accepting the Coitus on your behalf. I love youuuu! Congratulations!

Teka, bakit ang sama ng tingin sa akin ni Atty. Judd Roy?! I hate you naaa. You’re scaring me!

With all due respect, I am not scaring you Kris. Ito ang aking natural look. Goddamn it!

Basta! Don’t stare na lang. Sa iba ka na lang tumingin pleeeeeease. Thank you. Our next category is the “Best Prosecutor Award.” And the nominees are…

Atty. Mario Bautista (Canned applause)
Northern Samar Rep. Raul Daza (Canned applause)
Atty. Demetrio Custodio (Canned applause)
And finally, Iloilo Rep. Niel Tupas Jr.
Ilocos Norte Rep. Rodolfo Fariñas (Canned applause)


Before I announce the winner, I just wanna thank, on behalf of my family, the prosecution team. Sobrang galing n’yo. At the risk of sounding biased, hanga talaga ako sa ‘yo Congressman Fariñas. Si ako ay bilib sa ginawa ni ikaw! Aha-ha-ha Na-senti ka ‘noh?

Anyway, it’s time to announce the winner!

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Mila’s Lechon Paksiw… Lechon Ngayon, Paksiw Bukas!)

The “Best Prosecutor” Award goes to

(Drum roll)

Oh my gosh, it’s a tie! Senators Frank Drilon and Kiko Pangilinan! Wow! Congratulations! Come, come! Moment n’yo ‘to! Bilis! Tito Frank, you first. Palakpak naman kayo!

(Canned applause)

Thank you Kris. Alam n’yo po, para sa bansa ang ginawa namin. Walang pagsisisi, walang pag-aalinlangan basta para sa bayan! Salamat sa pagkilalang ito.

Salamat din Tito Frank. You did well. Ikaw ang Savior for All Seasons! Now, Senator Kiko…

Kris, katulad ng sinabi ni Senator Drilon, hindi ito para sa amin. Hindi ito para sa Liberal Party. Hindi ito para sa 2013 o 2016. Para ito sa milyun-milyong mahihirap na naghahangad ng pagbabago sa ating pamahalaan. I’d like to share this award with my one and only loving wife who’s probably tweeting her bashers right now. Sweetheart, itigil mo na ‘yan!

Nakakaloka! Awayin daw ba si Mega in front of the impeachment court?! Hindi kita kinakaya Senator Kiko. Congratulations!

Senate Sgt. At Arms: Cocktails will be served in a few minutes.

May ganung intermission? Winnner! Promise… mami-miss ko po kayo Sir.

(Phone rings; answers call)

Guys, I have good news. Tumawag si Noy. To celebrate this historic victory, he’s declaring June 9 and 10 special non-working days both in public and private offices nationwide! Yeeeey! Ang bait talaga ng brother ko, promise!

(Phone rings again)

Sorry, I need to take this call.

(Talks on the phone)

Everyone, I have another good news! Kausap ko ang SWS at Pulse Asia. According to their survey na lalabas sa mga diyaryo anytime now, 99.9 percent ng mga Filipino ay agree sa ‘Guilty’ verdict ng Senado. Parang germs lang. How sweeeet! I love you everyone!!!

Diretso na tayo sa iba pang awards. Mabilisan lang ‘to. So please, ‘wag nang papansin. Kapag tinawag kayo as winner, akyat agad ng stage and claim your Coitus trophy. Okay? Gumagabi na. I’m doing this naman for free kaya umayos kayo. Gosh, kung ‘di lang kay Noy I won’t even be here. Feeling ko ang dumi-dumi ko tuloy. Aha-ha-ha

First, the “Many Pacquiao Punching Bag Award.” I think self-explanatory naman ‘yan. Envelope please…

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Alaksan If Ar, Dahil Mahal Ka ni Lord)

The ‘Many Pacquiao Punching Bag Award’ goes to…

(Drum roll)

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas!
Yey! Congratulations!

Is Congressman Tupas here? Where is he?

Madam, our apologies po. Nagtungo po ng banyo si Congressman Tupas.

My gaaad. Last day na nga lang ng trial, palpak pa rin??? Kainis huh! So sinong tatanggap nitong Coitus trophy niya? Ayokong ireceive ‘to on his behalf ’noh. Baka ma-jinx ako. Mabuti na’ng careful. Ikaw na lang Congresswoman Kaka Bag-ao. Tutal, winner din naman ang outfit mo. Very ‘guidance counselor’ ang peg. Aha-ha-ha! Thanks!

Ang susunod na parangal ay ang “Talakitok Award.” I heard, unanimous po ang vote ng jury. Envelope please…

(Voice Over: The Talakitok Award is brought to you by the Manila Ocean Parking… Sobrang ganda, sobrang saya, sobrang mahal!)

The “Talakitok Award” goes to…

(Drum roll)

Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago! Yeeeey! Congratulations Senator! Kayo po ang nanalo dahil every trial day, hindi puwedeng hindi kayo tatalak! Bongga! Senator, any message?

Mga gago! Ayaw n’yong sabihin ko ang salitang ‘yan? Kagaguhan ang award na ito! Panginoon! Bigyan mo pa ko ng isang buhay, iimbestigahan ko ang jury! Iimbestigahan ko ang trophy! Pati ikaw Kris, iimbestigahan ko! (Walks out)

Gosh, hanggang sa awarding, talakitok pa rin siya! Nakakaloka. Pati ako idinamay. Host lang po ako dito ma’am. At pro bono po ito. Nakakahiya naman sa inyo. Helllooo!

We’re almost done. Our next category: the “Ba’t Ba Ayaw N’yong Maniwala” Award! Sila ‘yong kahit anong paliwanag, nananatiling kaduda-duda ang statement. Envelope please…

(This award is brought to you by the Philippine Stariray… Truth shall prevail!)

The “Ba’t Ba Ayaw N’yong Maniwala” Award goes to…

(Drum roll)

It’s a tie! Congressman Rey “Small lady” Umali and Congressman Bolet “Sa gate ng bahay iniwan” Banal! Yey! I’m so happy for you both. Ikaw muna Congressman Rey. Sino ba talaga si Small Lady?

Ba’t ba ayaw n’yong maniwalang hindi ko siya kilala? Basta ang totoo, nilapitan niya ako. Small siya at lady pa. Sure ako! ‘Tapos may ibinigay siyang envelope na kulay white, yellow, brown. Take it or leave it!

Ohhhh k! You know what guys, grabe ang effort ni Congressman sa trial na ito. He actually lost 2lbs. ‘Wag na nating pagdudahan please. Ang importante, nakatulong si Small Lady sa pag-convict kay CJ. Ok? Ikaw naman Congressman Bolet…

Thank you Kris. Hindi ko rin inexpect ang award na ito. Akala ko nga si Harvey Keh ang mananalo eh.

Ok, I’ll be honest. Lumamang ka ng two points sa botohan dahil ikaw ang orihinal na gumamit ng kwentong “iniwan sa gate ang dokumento” blah blah blah. So congratulations!

And for our second to the last category… the “Lumalaban, Umuusig, at Patas na Abogado” o LUPA Award. Pati ako naloka nang malaman ang edad nila.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Walang Leak Diapers… Kahit anong lakas ng wiwi, hindi ka ngingiwi!)

The LUPA Award goes to… wala nang iba pa: Senate President Enrile and Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas! Yeyyyy!

(Thunderous applause/standing ovation)

Alam n’yo po, Senator Enrile was older than the Revised Penal Code. True! At aaminin ko, hate na hate ko siya noon dahil sa mga coup d’état against my mom. Pero when I saw him preside over the trial, nawala nang slight ang inis ko. Slight lang. He’s actually great.


Si Justice Cuevas naman po, hindi pa naiimbento ang telebisyon, nanonood na siya ng TV. Kaloka. Paano nangyari ‘yon? I can’t believe na pareho na silang 80 plus! Gosh, nagva-Viagra kaya sila. Ooops, sorry. Me and my big mouth. Aha-ha-ha! Ayokong imaginin ‘yong Dingdong Dantes nila. Ooops, sorry again. Erase na. Erase. Aha-ha-ha

(Enrile and Cuevas smile)

Ay! Sorry! Buhay pa pala kayo. Gusto n’yo pong mag-message? ‘Wag na lang. OT na tayo eh. Aha-ha-ha. Basta, congratulations to our LUPA Awardees! Thank you Senator Enrile. Thank you Justice Cuevas! Palakpakan ulit!

Sgt. At Arms: All rise… everyone is ordered to remain on their seats until…

Teka lang Mr. Sgt. At Arms, may last award pa ako. Atat much? Kaloka. Ito ang “Proud Ako Sa ‘Yo Award.” Wala talaga ito sa listahan ng mga categories pero isinama ko. Wala kayong choice. Ako ang masusunod dahil host ako. Aha-ha-ha.

The “Proud Ako Sa ‘Yo Award” goes to…

(Drum Roll)

President Noynoy Aquino!

(Silence)

Hellloooo! Walang applause? Presidente ‘yon ‘noh!

(Canned Applause)

I love yoooou! Anyway, proud ako kay Noy dahil sa kabila ng mga pagdududa, naipanalo niya ang trial na ito. Despite the prosecution’s blunders, despite the pressure from the Iglesia ni Cristo, despite the recent heartbreak (his 8th in less than two years), he held on. Noy, sure akong proud na proud sina Mommy at Daddy. More power and may you find your true happiness very soon. Ke Korean pa ‘yan o Chinese, broadcaster o stylist o lalaki, bahala ka! Kung saan ka liligaya! Josh and Bimby will visit you soon. Love you.

(Senator Miriam resurfaces)

Panginoon, bigyan mo pa ako ng isang buhay! Iimbestigahan ko ang mga tao sa Senado at Kongreso! Pati ikaw Panginoon, iimbestigahan ko!

That’s it for us. This is Kris Aquino…

Panginoon, isang buhay pa please!

… at ito po ang Coitus Awards! Nakakaloka!
—————————————-
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
~Voltaire

Postscript:
Pre-Coitus Awards citations given to other impeachment players:

Best Junior Speaker (English): Atty. Dennis Manalo
Best Junior Speaker (Filipino): Cong. Rudy Fariñas
Best in Recitation (Most Active): Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano
Mr. Grace Under Pressure: Atty. Tranquil Salvador
Ms. Grace Under Pressure: BIR Commissioner Kim Henares

Most Amusing: Cong. Elpidio Barzaga (Prosecution)
Most Fierce: Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales
Most Behaved: Sen. Bong Revilla
Most Quiet: Sen. Lito Lapid

Most Insensitive: Philippine Daily Inquirer (Demetrio Vicente Photo)
Most Intense Moment: Atty. Vitaliano Aguirre vs. Senator Santiago

Hairstyle (Female): Atty. Karen Jimeno
Hairstyle (Male): Cong. Miro Quimbo
Worst Hair: Cong. Toby Tiangco
Twitter Trending King: Sen. Lito Lapid

Best In Terno: Cong. Marlyn Primicias-Agabas

Impeachment Stunner: Atty. Macel Jimenez

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

SIZZLING SUMMER


THE SIZZLING WEATHER is almost unbearable. It’s stressful. It causes discomfort. It’s irritable. It makes you angry. It frustrates you. Probably, the same feeling you get when you lose your hacienda to the farmers, or when the media hounds you and your girlfriend.

You know it’s hot outside when… Chinese fishermen refuse to leave Philippine waters.

You know it’s really hot outside when… Sen. Manny Villar decides to bathe in a sea of garbage.

And you know it’s extremely hot outside when… people go to the House of Representatives just to stand next to something shady.

Metro Weather
According to PAGASA, the temperature in Metro Manila reached 36.2 degrees Celsius this week. You know it’s really hot when the numbers are higher than Chief Justice Corona’s trust rating.

The good news is the weather bureau is monitoring a tropical cyclone near the Philippine Area of Responsibility. It could bring some rains if it enters the country. The bad news is just this morning, the Chinese declared that the tropical cyclone was theirs.

To prevent illness, the public is advised to avoid “hot places.” PAGASA says the hottest spots these days include buildings with cemented surfaces; areas near bodies of water, and Silverio Compound in Parañaque City..

Hotter Earth
According to the British High Commission’s Southeast Asia Climate Change Network, the earth’s temperature would likely rise by 4 degrees Celsius by the end of the century. To which Senator Enrile and retired Justice Serafin Cuevas said, “That’s the least of our concerns.”

Ambushed!
Eleven government soldiers and a civilian were killed in an ambush staged by the Communist New People’s Army in Ifugao. Close aides of Communist leader Jose Maria Sison were like: “Burger! Burger! Burger!”

Twelve people were killed by Communist rebels in Ifugao. As “tradition” dictates, the Commission on Human Rights will absolutely do nothing.

Influential
According to Forbes, Manny Pacquiao is the world’s fourth most influential athlete today. And according to Kerygma, Pacquiao is now the country’s third most influential preacher.

Pacman & Jessica
Manny Pacquiao has a message for Fil-Am Jessica Sanchez who’s now in the Top 5 of American Idol. Pacman was quoted to have said, “You’re gonna win, I declare it in Jesus’ name.” In the interest of fairness, we will try to get the side of Jesus.

Metta World Peace
The Los Angeles Lakers’ Ron Artest a.k.a. Metta World Peace was suspended for seven games for his violent behavior inside the court. When he retires, Artest looks forward to seeking the mayoral post in Davao City.

Fiery
Time magazine has named Mount Pinatubo as one of the top 10 fiery volcanoes in recorded human history. At No. 11 was Annabelle Rama.
—————————————-
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
~Russel Baker

You Have Spoken
Kung may dapat gawaran ng National Artist Award, sino sa tatlong ito ‘yon?
– Dolphy 86.43%
– Nora Aunor 7.14%
– Vilma Santos 6.43%

Have a safe, healthy and happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

THE PRESIDENT AND THE MEDIA

IN A SPEECH during the Philippine Press Institute’s National Press Forum last Monday, April 23, 2012, President Aquino slammed the media for inaccurate and negative reporting. The Professional Heckler obtained the original draft of that fiery speech.

SPEECH OF HIS EXCELLENCY BENIGNO S. AQUINO III***
PRESIDENT OF THE PHILIPPINES
PHILIPPINE PRESS INSTITUTE’S 16TH NATIONAL PRESS FORUM
TRADERS HOTEL, MANILA
APRIL 23, 2012

Naalala ko pa ang kuwento ng aking yayang mahusay magluto ng paborito kong tostadong corned beef. Minsan raw ay nagpasya siyang maghanda ng adobong alimango. Dahil fresh at buhay ang mga nabili niyang alimango, nag-alala si yaya. “Paano kung tumalon palabas ng kaserola ang mga alimango?” Ngunit dahil wala naman siyang choice at gutom na rin kami ng aking mga kabaril-barilan ng time na ‘yon (opo, bata pa lang ako ay mahilig na ako sa baril), ibinuhos niya ang mga alimango sa kaserola. Nagtangkang tumakas ang ilang alimango ngunit dahil sa paghila pababa ng kapwa alimango, nabigo silang makaalis sa kaserolang may kumukulong tubig. Namatay ang mga alimango. Sa sobrang awa, umiyak ako secretly that same night.

Bata pa po ako nang marinig ang kwento ni yaya ngunit ang aral na napulot ko sa kwentong ‘yan ay hinding-hindi ko malilimutan. Tuwing nagbabasa ako ng diyaryo, nakikinig ng radyo, at nanonood ng telebisyon, naaalala ko ang mga alimango ni yaya. Huwag n’yo nang isalin sa Ingles ang “mga alimango ni yaya” dahil mahalay pakinggan.

Anyway, bakit ko ibinahagi sa inyo ang kwento ng alimango? Simple lang naman: Marami sa mga miyembro ng local media ang utak-alimango. Sa halip na isapubliko ang kapuri-puring mga nagawa ng pamahalaan, mas pinipili pa nilang ibandera ang mga negatibong balita. Gusto kong maniwalang The Daily Tribune, Manila Standard, at Manila Times lang ang saksakan nang nega. Ngunit hindi pala.

Bibigyan ko kayo ng ilang halimbawa. Sa Twitter, isang talunang vice presidential candidate ang nag-tweet na namasyal daw kami ni Grace Lee sa Promenade, Greenhills isang katanghaliang tapat. Ni-retweet agad ito ng mga tsismoso, mga atat, at mga intrigero. Ang nakakalungkot, isang TV station ang nagbalita kaagad ng paglalamyerda ko raw. Por Diyos por santo, mula alas-diyes ng umaga hanggang alas kuwatro ng hapon ay dumudugo na ang ilong ko habang ka-miting ang NEDA board upang magsuri at mag-apruba ng mga proyekto, paano ako makakapamasyal? Worse, sa Greenhills pa raw?!? Kung inyong babalikan ang history ng mga date ko, never akong nag-Greenhills. Either sa Shangri-la, Greenbelt 3 or 5 (ang Greenbelt 1 ay masyado nang masa) o kaya ay sa Serendra kami pumupunta.

At bakit naman ‘di ako maiinis? ‘Yong TV station na naglabas ng balita ay may reporter sa palasyo. Parang nananadya eh. Ano ba naman ‘yong iverify muna kung umalis ba talaga ang aking sasakyan sa Malacañang? Sa halip na mag-imbestiga muna, bumabanat na agad sila. Mabuti na lamang at very active sa Twitter si Atty. Edwin Lacierda. Kaagad niyang pinatulan itinama ang walang basehang balita.

May mensahe nga pala ako sa defeated vice presidential candidate na nag-tweet ng maling impormasyon. Dude, nami-mersonal ka! Dahil ba ika’y La Salle at ako naman ay Ateneo? Dahil ba Kapatid ka at Kapamilya ako? Dahil ba mestizo ka at Chinito Pinoy ako? Unfair eh. Unfair.

Nang magsalita ako sa energy summit sa Mindanao, naglatag ako ng mga posibleng solusyon sa black out sa rehiyon. Ngunit ano ang lumabas sa mga website at pahayagan? “Pacquiao gets the cold shoulder” “PNoy snubs Pacman” Gusto kong linawin at tapusin ang isyung ito. Walang isnabang nangyari. To be liberal about it, binasa ko lang kung ano ang nakasulat sa teleprompter.

Mahigit siyamnapung libong kabataan ang kikita ngayong summer sa Expanded Government Internship Program ng DSWD. Subalit ano ang mas pinagtutuunan ng media? Ang pagbubuntis ni Katrina; ang away nina Amalia at Annabelle Rama, at ang demandahang Cristine Reyes at Ara Mina.

Isipin na lang po natin ang epekto nito. May kakilala po akong magbabalik-bayan sana. Ngunit nagdadalawang-isip na siyang umuwi nang mapanood sa The Filipino Channel ang nagaganap na karahasan sa bansa. Pinayuhan ko siyang mag-subscribe instead sa GMA Pinoy TV kaya lang kalaban pala ‘yon, ‘wag na lang.

Mantakin po ninyo: Noong Pebrero, mahigit 411,000 ang turistang dumalaw sa ating bansa. First time po ‘yan sa kasaysayan ng turismo ng Pilipinas. Ang target natin ay sampung milyong turista sa taong 2016. Isipin na lang po natin kung gaano kabilis maaabot ang target na iyan kung mas mangingibabaw ang positibong balita tungkol sa Pilipinas, kaysa uunahin ang negatibismo? Paulit-ulit na lang ako. Sino bang sumulat ng speech na ito?

Naaalala pa ba ninyo ang carnapper na si Raymond Dominguez? Noong kasagsagan ng carnapping with murder incidents, banner headline sa mga pahayagan ang nagawang krimen ni Dominguez. Pati nga si Katrina Paula (by the way, sexy siya), may interview pa.

Last week, nahatulan si Dominguez na makulong ng hanggang tatlumpung taon. Pero nasaan ang balita? Nasa inside pages, nasa metro section na nilalampasan lang ng mga readers ng diyaryo. Wala pang dalawang taon, may desisyon na ang kaso. Gano’n kabilis! Pero may pumuri ba sa hukom? Wala! (Alam kong promotor ako ng pagbatikos sa hudikatura pero sabi nga, “Do as I say, not as I do.”)

Ayon din po sa estadistika ng ating kapulisan, bumaba ng 59.4 percent ang insidente ng carnapping sa taong 2011. But what made the news instead?
“Aquino’s rating drops”
“Fuel price increases pull Aquino down”
“Aquino’s public satisfaction rating plummets”

Bastusan na talaga!

Noong nakaraang linggo, headline sa isang website: “PNoy, Grace Lee break up.” Nagmula raw ang balita sa tatlong sources na napakalapit sa akin. At sabi pa sa artikulo, “confirmed.” Natatawa na lang ako. Pati ba naman sa aking love life, nangingibabaw pa rin ang pagiging negatibo ng media? Meron bang break na nagdi-dinner pa sa Greenbelt? Meron bang hiwalay na nag-uusap ng at least five hours every day? Meron bang break na nagti-text ng sweet nothings kada oras? Titigan n’yo ako. Ito ba ang hitsura ng lalaking kaka-break lang sa kasintahan? Kung break na kami ni Grace, bakit inspired pa rin akong magtrabaho? So, please… give me a break!

Baka naman sabihin n’yong masyado ko kayong pinag-iinitan. Baka isipin n’yo, ‘yong butas lang ng doughnut ang palagi kong nakikita at napagdidiskitahan. Hindi po. Sa katunayan, may mga nasulat din naman kayong kapuri-puri. Narito ang ilang halimbawa:

63% of Pinoys believe Corona has hidden wealth

Court denies Gloria Arroyo’s plea to go to hometown for voter registration

Corona caught in a corner

Gloria Arroyo’s suspension sought

Corona rating worsens

People power to unseat Corona

There’s the Rub by Conrado De Quiros

Corona rating down to new low, says survey

Magandang ehemplo ang mga ganitong klaseng headlines. Ang mga tulad nito ay sumasalamin sa patas at walang pinapanigang pamamahayag. Keep it up.

Naniniwala po akong iisa ang bangkang sinasakyan ng bawat Pilipino, at lahat ng Pilipino ay may tungkuling makisagwan upang maabot natin ang ating mga pangarap. This is not a threat pero sabi nga ni George W. Bush, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”

Kung magpupunla po tayo ng pagdududa sa publiko, paghihirap ang idudulot nito. Ngunit kung pag-asa ang ating itatanim, kasaganahan naman ang ating aanihin.

No to negativism!
Think positive!

(‘Wag kayong mag-alala. Hindi ako nagtatanim ng galit sa media. After all, my favorite sister is the ‘Queen of All Media.’)

Maraming salamat at mabuhay ang mamamahayag na Pilipino!

Postscript:
Lumabas na po ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema sa Hacienda Luisita. Sa botong 14-0, iniutos ng Kataas-taasang Hukuman sa aming pamilya na ipamahagi ang aming lupain. Hindi ko sinasabing huwag n’yong gawing banner headline ang balitang ‘yan. What I’m just saying is, that’s a piece of bad news. Maging positibo. Iwaksi ang negatibismo! Muli, maraming salamat sa inyong lahat!

***Purportedly, the first draft of the speech.
———————————————
“Journalists aren’t supposed to praise things. It’s a violation of work rules almost as serious as buying drinks with our own money or absolving the CIA of something.”
~P.J. O’Rourke

You Have Spoken
Pabor ba kayong gumamit ng prepaid power (electricity)?
– Why not? Para makatipid. 35.68%
– No way. 29.52%
– Pag-aaralan ko muna. 34.8%

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

HELL


CATHOLIC PRIEST Catalino Arevalo, a known ally of President Aquino admonished Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago in a sermon Sunday saying she could be “worthy of the fires of hell.” Arevalo is now being considered for the post of spiritual adviser to the prosecution panel.

Fr. Catalino Arevalo was quoted to have said that senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago was “worthy of the fires of hell.” Congressman Niel Tupas disagreed. For the prosecution, Santiago was ‘the’ hell.

As expected, the feisty senator retaliated. Citing the Second Vatican Council, Senator Santiago said “there is no hell.” To which, victims of pedophile priests said, “Believe us, there is. We’ve experienced it.”


Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Fr. Catalino Arevalo said Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago should apologize for berating the prosecution panel. Santiago insisted that she would never ever apologize for someone else’s idiocy.

A miffed Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago reacted to Fr. Catalino Arevalo’s statement that she’s ‘worthy of the fires of hell.’ The lady senator reminded Arevalo that “the Constitution provides for a wall of separation between the church” and her mental state.

Dangerous
According to Forbes.com, Afghanistan is still the most dangerous place in the world today followed by Iraq. In third place is Los Baños, Laguna.

Less than a year after the rape-slay of a UP Los Baños coed, another UPLB student – entomology major Ray Bernard Peñaranda fell prey to criminals. He was stabbed and killed during a holdup. The Los Baños community has condemned the spate of killings in the once quiet town. A 300,000-peso bounty is being offered for the capture of Peñaranda’s assailants. Another 300,000-peso reward has been put up for any information on the whereabouts of town mayor Anthony Genuino.


Ray Bernard Peñaranda, the slain UPLB student was not from Los Baños. Just like Los Baños Mayor Anthony Genuino.

While we’re on the topic, did you know that Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa is the concurrent anti-crime czar? Hindi halata.

Noy’s Picks
President Aquino named Wigberto Tañada, father of prosecution team spokesperson Erin Tañada as chairman and member of the board of directors of UCPB-CIIF Oil Mills Group. Likewise, President Aquino named Jorge L. Banal, father of Cong. Bolet Banal, also of the prosecution panel as acting member of the board of directors of Poro Point Management Corp. The rewards oath-taking happened Monday.

A New Car
Some 200 congressmen through a resolution asked the Budget Department to allocate funds for a more state-of-the-art presidential vehicle. Congressman Rudy Fariñas refused to sign the resolution saying, “medyo masama din kasi ang pagkakagawa.”

Focus
Presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda says, “We are not bothered by the coup rumors. The administration is focused on the economy.” When did Renato Corona change his name to ‘economy?’

TV Patrol 25
Allow me to say ‘Happy birthday TV Patrol!’ The newscast just turned 25 years old. Ten more years and it is eligible to run for senator.

TV Patrol is the only newscast in the world being anchored by a former vice president and senator, a former congressman, and an ex-presidential girlfriend & former senator-turned-DOTC secretary’s wife. TV Patrol is like the government of television shows.

The longest running daily newscast, TV Patrol is now 25 years old. Or as Vicki Belo would say, “Pwede na!”

TV Patrol is now 25 years old. In Hollywood, that’s 127 Kim Kardashian marriages.
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“Hell doesn’t even exist. It’s all in our minds. We invented it as a warning to those who don’t live up to our standards.”
~S. Kaye Saunders

Quote of the Day
“Under Vatican 2, there is no hell. In theology, hell is not a geographical place, but is a metaphor for distance from God. That priest should spend his energy fighting pedophilia in the Catholic church, instead of meddling in politics & dividing parishioners.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago via @senmiriam on Twitter

Personal
Thank you very much to Madam Tony Atkinson of Davao City for your continued support.

Have a safe week everyone!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

HORSES

BREAKING:
Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas says the prosecution panel in the Corona impeachment trial has decided to terminate its presentation of evidence. But Tupas categorically denied rumors the decision was due to the panel’s low threshold for mockery.

The prosecution panel will no longer present evidence for Articles 1,4,5,6 and 8 – otherwise known as the ‘weakest allegations.’

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas announced they would present evidence to three Articles of Impeachment only. That’s 3 out of 8 or 37.5 percent. In school, that’s an F.

After 25 days of trial, the prosecution panel has decided to terminate its presentation of evidence. And the defense panel was like, “Pucha naman, bakit biglaan? Ngangaragin n’yo kami eh.”

The prosecution will no longer present evidence. It’s Cuevas and company’s turn. Or as today’s youth would say, DoTA: Defense of the Ancients.

ACCORDING TO PRESIDENT AQUINO, his parents told him that horses were ‘created by God.” So when a teacher asked him to “make a horse” out of a three-piece puzzle during his kindergarten entrance test, he refused. He flunked the test. And was unanimously voted “Most Likely to Preserve Stubbornness ‘Til He’s 60.”

As a little boy, President Aquino believed his parents when they told him that only God can make a horse. So when he was instructed to create one using a three-piece puzzle during his kindergarten entrance test, he refused. To be fair to him, he was able to create a luxury car instead.

President Aquino flunked his kindergarten entrance test for refusing to create a horse using a three-piece puzzle. He insisted that “only God can make a horse.” Or as his fellow examinees would say, “palusot.”

In a related news, kindergarten is now mandatory in public schools starting June 2012. Parents are strongly advised to prepare their young children for school by telling them that not only God can make horses.

Fast forward to 2012, President Aquino was told that his dear friend, Pagcor Chair Bong Naguiat received bribes from a gambling tycoon. The president refused to believe it saying only the Arroyos and his political foes are capable of doing that.

Naguiat Cleared
A week after Malacañang cleared him of impropriety following reports he accepted perks from a gambling tycoon, embattled Pagcor chairman Cristino ‘Bong’ Naguiat was cleared by the House of Representatives. Another Wynn win for Naguiat!

Day 24
Prosecution spokesperson Miro Quimbo was quoted to have said, “Hindi namin sinubukang isipin o gawing humingi ng tulong sa Malacañang. (Sa) tingin namin hindi appropriate ‘yon.” Luckily for the prosecution, Malacañang believes in the spirit of volunteerism.

Congressman Miro Quimbo said, “Hindi namin sinubukang isipin o gawing humingi ng tulong sa Malacañang. (Sa) tingin namin hindi appropriate ‘yon.” Nope, Quimbo didn’t commit perjury. He’s not under oath.

INC Gathering
The influential religious sect Iglesia Ni Cristo will gather its flock Tuesday in what organizers described as a “Grand Evangelical Mission” or as political observers would say, “show of force.”

President Aquino will definitely ‘watch what happens’ tonight.

Castelo’s Jeep
Mr. Anti-Planking Solon strikes again. Quezon City Rep. Winnie Castelo recently filed House Bill 5850, which requires jeepney manufacturers to provide a standard seating space capacity of 357 millimeters or 14 inches per passenger. Castelo says the bill seeks to avoid passenger discomfort… the same feeling you get when you read his proposed measures.

In Entertainment
Martin Scorese’s ‘HUGO’ won five Oscars matching the haul of Best Picture winner ‘The Artist.’ It’s safe to say that ‘HUGO’ is a VICTOR.

Sen. Lito Lapid’s bet ‘The Artist’ won Best Picture. The senator likes silent films.

Michel Hazanavicius wins Best Director for ‘The Artist.’ He outScoredsese.

Christopher Plummer becomes the oldest actor to win an Oscar at age 82. There’s still hope for a PMPC trophy Kuya Germs!

Best Supporting Actor winner Christopher Plummer is 82. Or as Senator Loren Legarda would probably say, “Just perfect.”

‘The Descendants’ wins for Adapted Screenplay. At home, Pax and Maddox Jolie-Pitt were like, “That category sounds like us.”

Woody Allen wins for Best Original Screenplay for ‘Midnight in Paris.’ Coming in close second in the voting was Congressman Rey Umali.

Jean Dujardin wins Best Actor for ‘The Artist’ – to the utter disappointment of E.R. Ejercito who blamed Kris Aquino for openly campaigning for the French actor.

African-American Octavia Spencer won Best Supporting Actress for ‘The Help.’ Had her co-actress Viola Davis won Best Actress for the same movie, it would have been a Black-to-Black victory.

Meryl Streep won Best Actress for ‘The Iron Lady.’ Meryl lynches competition earning her third Oscar trophy.

This just in: Best Actress nominee Glenn Close has denied reports she will seek damages from the Academy after her loss.

One of my favorite segments in the Oscars telecast is “In Memoriam” where they remember the departed. Yesterday, the Academy paid tribute to the likes of Whitney Houston, Elizabeth Taylor, Steve Jobs, and Charlie Sheen’s career.

‘Manila Kingpin: The Asiong Salonga Story’ won 8 trophies. ‘The Artist’won 5.  Wala lang.

WVG Retires
GMA 7’s senior vice president for entertainment Wilma V. Galvante has retired. There’s no truth to rumors that Galvante will be replaced by Annabelle Rama.
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“The winner’s edge is not in a gifted birth, a high IQ, or in talent. The winner’s edge is all in the attitude, not aptitude. Attitude is the criterion for success.”
~ Dennis Waitley

Quotes of the Day
“Ang dami ninyong komentaryo sa senator-judges, kung mag-komentaryo kaya kami sa trial at sa inyong competence? In fact, about your mental sanity aber, gusto ninyo? I have evidence against a certain congressman when he testified here. ‘Wag ninyo akong pilitin, I can prove that he is lying under oath, be careful.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago scolding anew the prosecution panel

“You’re only two years older than me darling, where have you been all my life?”
~ 82-year-old actor Christopher Plummer to the Oscar statuette after winning Best Supporting Actor for the film ‘Beginners’ – his first Oscar win

Personal
Congratulations to the Western selection for winning the 2012 NBA All Stars. The Lakers’ Kobe Bryant also made history when he surpassed Michael Jordan’s All Stars scoring record. Woohoo!

Stay safe. Have a wonderful day!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

EXCLUSIVE! A LETTER FROM LLAMAS

A WEEK AFTER HE was photographed buying pirated DVDs, presidential adviser on political affairs Ronald Llamas has reportedly sent an explanation letter to President Aquino. Here is the copy of that letter. Exclusive!


His Excellency Benigno Simeon C. Aquino III
President
Malacañan Palace
1610 JP Laurel St.
San Miguel, Manila

Pare Ko,

I guess you have been informed About Last Night. You know, Rumor Has It I purchased 2,000 pesos worth of pirated videos. Liar! Liar! Those reports were exaggerated. I only bought no more than 300. Ganito ang nangyari.

Monday, Se7en o’clock. It was Rush Hour. Grabe talaga ang Traffic. I was on The Road. Ayaw ko namang masayang ang oras sa kalye so I asked a Taxi Driver where I could kill time. Itinuro niya ang Circle C Mall sa Congressional Avenue in Quezon City. It was Closer than SM North Edsa kasi.

Pagdating sa Dulo, sinalubong ako ng mga vendors. Puro Segunda Mano pala ang tinda do’n. I really Wanted to buy some for the Little Children but something else caught my attention – DVDs! Sabi ko, Himala, hindi yata niri-raid ng Optical Media Board ang mall na ‘to.

Hindi mo naitatanong, movie buff ako. It was this Crazy, Stupid, Love for films that put me in Big Trouble! An editor/reporter from Bandera-Inquirer Saw me pala. Worse, nakunan niya ako habang bumibili! That was Proof! Can you Imagine That!? The next day, my photo was splashed all over The Paper. After the AK-47 controversy, ito naman!?? Ang Jologs ko! God… Why Me?

But then again, I realized, A Series of Unfortunate Events will not break me. Suportado ako ng Akbayan! Besides, Malacañang cannot say no to The Help that I offer.

Kay Dona Policar, ang editor ng Bandera, hmmpf, Look Who’s Talking?! Siguro, namimirata ka rin kaya andun ka sa mall na ’yon. Huwag na huwag lang magku-krus ang landas natin. I swear There Will Be Blood!

Kay Ronnie Rickets, Step Up your operation against piracy! Pati ako natutuksong bumili.

Sa aking mga kritiko, mauunawaan din n’yo ako Pagdating ng Panahon.

And to you my dear President, you’ve Got 2 Believe, I didn’t mean to Shame you. In fact, Kamakalawa, I returned to the mall upang ibalik ang DVD. When the vendors Saw me though, they Ran. The stalls were Gone In Sixty Seconds.

Ipagpatawad Mo mahal na Pangulo. Pangako, From Here to Eternity, ‘di na ako magiging Superbad.

Miss Na Miss Kita. Alam kong miss mo na rin ako. After all, we’re Friends With Benefits. Joooooke!

Hanggang Dito na Lamang at Maraming Salamat,

P.S.
Isikreto mo na lang ‘tong sulat na ‘to. Kung pwede lang, Burn After Reading.

BREAKING NEWS: President Aquino has replied to the letter of Secretary Llamas:

Bro,

Relaks Ka Lang… Sagot Kita.

Walang Iwanan… Peks Man!
Isa lang ang pakiusap ko sa ‘yo, please don’t Drag Me To Hell.

I Love You Man,
Noy

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“When you realize you’ve made a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.”
~Dan Heist

Day 9: The Impeachment Trial
Senator-judge Serge Osmeña says the prosecution panel has been really lazy. Tell us something we don’t know.

Vote Now
Please vote for the Prosecution Panel as 1 of the 7 New Wonders of the World. When you watch them kasi you’ll wonder: what the hell is happening? To vote, just key in  PP and send to 23718456 for all networks. Be careful when typing the number. That’s the order of the presentation of evidence.

Quote of the Day
“It seems I’ll be making some people very happy by being absent at the impeachment today. But I hope to get better and attend the trial soon.”
~Senator-judge Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Trivia
To those who do not follow me on Twitter: Last Monday, I tweeted some interesting facts about private prosecutor Joseph Joemer Perez. He was an alumnus of the award-winning ‘90s quiz show Battle of the Brains. Representing UP Diliman, he emerged as champion in 1998. Three years earlier, Joemer and classmate Paulo David Javier, representing San Jose Academy of Navotas won in the high school division.

Joemer was the Valedictorian of UP Law Class 2004. He placed 8th in the bar exams.

Who’s That Girl?
She’s always there. Who’s she?
Tell me your name
you’re lovely
Please tell me your name

Enjoy the rest of the week. Stay safe!

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