HERE’S A COMPILATION of some of my favorite items from January to June this year.

January 2012
Feng shui master Joseph Chau declares President Aquino will be lucky in love in the coming Year of the Water Dragon. In other news, another feng shui master predicts Mr. Chau will lose his credibility this year.

According to feng shui master Joseph Chau, President Aquino will be lucky in love this year adding that, “The First Lady is coming out.” To which, Secretary Mar Roxas said, “Don’t look at me.”

A feng shui expert says, in the coming Year of the Water Dragon, President Aquino will be a lucky man ‘romantically’. I wonder at whose expense.

In an exclusive interview aired on ANC, Manny Pacquiao revealed that he’s a changed man. He didn’t say though if that’s to complement his wife’s changed appearance.

Enrile, Cuevas and Facebook
Senator Enrile is now using Facebook Timeline. You may now view his personal photos taken during the Renaissance.

Facebook Timeline will now be mandatory. Justice Serafin Cuevas is excited to display his posts from as far back as the 18th Century.

February 2012
Liberal Party stalwart and senator-judge Franklin Drilon believes Chief Justice Renato Corona has unexplained wealth. An offended Corona retaliated and accused Drilon of having ‘unexplained health.’

Pampanga 3rd District Rep. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. has filed House Resolution No. 2140 to appeal to the local TV and movie industry to “minimize, prevent, or stop” depicting congressmen as “villains or crooks” in movies and telenovelas. Simply put, Gonzales is teling movie and TV producers to lie.

Cong. Aurelio “Dong” Gonzales Jr. is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting congressmen as crooks. In a related news, a congregation of crocodiles is appealing to the local TV and movie industry to stop depicting them as congressmen.

According to a study, there are 13 million single females and 16 million single males in the Philippines today. They are further categorized into two: ‘by choice,’ and ‘no choice.’

The Other Woman
Two women are now fighting over Cong. Iggy Arroyo’s remains: Aleli Arroyo, the legal wife, and Grace Ibuna, the live-in partner. Guess who’s going to win it big. Lorna Kapunan.

Grace Lee
President Aquino admits he and Korean Grace Lee are seeing each other. The President believes that Grace is his Seoul mate.

Confirmed! TV and radio host Grace Lee, 29 is officially dating President Noynoy Aquino, 52. Again, dating. Not carbon dating.

Grace Lee was quoted to have said that President Aquino was “brilliant, if not the most intelligent man I’ve met in my life.” Apparently, she had met only a few.

James and Kris
Kris Aquino’s lawyers say the ex-couple’s marital problems were rooted in “personality disorders.” James doesn’t have personality; Kris has disorders.

March 2012
In the Philippines, March is Fire Prevention Month – that time of the year when most fires are not prevented.

In Manila, a man was stabbed following a dispute over a popular computer game. And my friend was like, “Holy sh*t, is the President safe?”

“The Hunger Games” tells the story of the rich and the powerful manipulating the poor and the helpless. It’s a huge hit among Filipinos. It’s OUR story.

In Indonesia, an eight-year-old boy smokes more than a pack of cigarettes per day. Observers believe the boy has a good chance of becoming president someday.

The Rich
A GMANewsTV special report found that 98 percent of incumbent congressmen were millionaires. The remaining 2 percent are slowly catching up.

April 2012
Time magazine has named Mount Pinatubo as one of the top 10 fiery volcanoes in recorded human history. At No. 11 was Annabelle Rama.

Hotter Earth
According to the British High Commission’s Southeast Asia Climate Change Network, the earth’s temperature would likely rise by 4 degrees Celsius by the end of the century. To which Senator Enrile and retired Justice Serafin Cuevas said, “That’s the least of our concerns.”

CNNGo.Com named Manila as the world’s third worst city for driving. That is totally unfair. Manila should have at least placed second.

May 2012
Sen.Koko Pimentel and wife Jewel May Lobaton have split up. That explains the change in Pimentel’s Facebook status: from “Married” to “Freeedom!”

No to Politics
Reports say former Makati vice mayor and vice presidential candidate Edu Manzano is “strongly against” son Luis’ rumored foray into politics. Kami rin.

THE PASAY CITY government is monitoring the concert of pop star Lady Gaga amid fears of some groups that she’ll perform “evil” acts. I wonder who is monitoring the day-to-day activities of the Pasay City government.

Former Manila Mayor Lito Atienza says Lady Gaga is known for her offensive racy getups. Somebody must tell Atienza that his forever floral shirts are equally offensive.

The MMDA warned motorists to avoid all roads near the venue of Lady Gaga’s concert. Traffic’s going to be HELL.

Mrs. Villar
Everyone’s talking about the TV ad of Villar Foundation, Inc. The premature campaigning advertisement features former Congresswoman Cynthia Aguilar-Villar, wife of Sen. Manny Villar. The title of the ad is “Walang kadala-dala.”

June 2012
Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda admits, “the President’s humor is dry.” Among other things.

Vice President Jejomar Binay was quoted to have said that he didn’t want to compare himself with President Aquino saying, “we’re not comparing apple to apple.” Sige, let’s say apple to duhat. Puwede na ba ‘yon?

Chasing Diapers
Multi-Grammy British pop artist Adele is pregnant with her first child. She is re-writing one of her songs and calling it ‘Rolling in the Crib.’

K to 12
According to a recent Social Weather Stations survey, 65 percent of Filipinos support the K to 12 program of the Department of Education… while 100 percent of Filipinos were wondering what on earth was “K to 12.”

According to the Department of Labor and Employment, more Filipinos are now working “part-time.” Then President Aquino said, “Don’t you give me that look!”

According to a new study, children sired by older dads are going to live longer. President Aquino’s future kids are a lucky bunch.

Noy’s Lovelife
President Aquino was reportedly spotted on a dinner with a new girl at Bonifacio High Street in Taguig City recently. Sketchy reports say the new date is either a college student or a banker who is pretty and fair-skinned with suspected Electra complex.

Vice Governor Salvador?
Reports say actor Phillip Salvador will run for vice governor of Bulacan. Observers were shocked at his decision to run and were even more shocked to learn that he was from Bulacan.
“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.”
~Edward Gibbon

The year was 2009. Then Senator Mar Roxas spoke against the “kaaswangan’ that was the proposed measure to amend the charter through Constituent Assembly. I wonder if his wife also keeps a stash of garlic to ward off those “maliliit and maiitim na maligno.”

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


HE JIA, a news anchor for China Central Television declared that the Philippines was “China’s inherent territory and the Philippines belongs to Chinese sovereignty.” What’s your take on the issue?

Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas: Objection! No basis!

President Aquino: Walang lamangan. Walang pagnanakaw. Walang wangwang!

Chief Justice Corona: ‘Yan ay malinaw na pakikialam at pagyurak sa independence ng Pilipinas. Hinding-hindi titigil ang ating mga kalaban hangga’t ‘di nila tayo napapabagsak.

Ramon Tulfo: Pilit nga nilang inaagaw eh. Hindi naman ako papayag na kunin nila.

TV5: We will take the issue to court!

Cebu Pacific: We are saddened by this latest development.

What do you wanna tell He Jia?

Cong. Niel Tupas: I submit.

Erwin Tulfo: Saksakan ka ng sinungaling! Huwag na ‘wag kang pupunta ng Pilipinas dahil ‘pag nagpang-abot tayo sa NAIA, tatamaan at tatamaan ka sa akin pati na rin ang asawa mo!

Raffy Tulfo: Sinuwerte lang kayo dahil ang dami n’yo. Hijo de p*ta ka! Tumirik ka na ng kandila mula ngayon, idasal mong ‘wag mag-krus ang landas natin. Put*ng-i*a ka!

Ben Tulfo: Binabangga ko mga kriminal, mga mamamatay-tao, pero kung gusto mo, malaking warehouse na sarado, maga-antay ang mga ambulansya, last man standing, walang lalabas sa loob, magsasara tayo ng pinto, titingnan ko ang galing mo! Tandaan mo ‘to!

Miriam Quiambao: That’s a lie from the devil!

Raymart Santiago: ‘Yong pag-angkin n’yo sa ilang isla sa Spratlys, mapapalagpas ko ‘yon eh. Pero ‘yong iclaim n’yo na pati Pilipinas, pag-aari n’yo, hindi ko matatanggap ‘yon. Na-trauma nga ang mga anak ko nang marinig ‘yan eh.

Claudine Barreto: Kaya nga ilabas n’yo ang mapa. ‘Yong mapa! ‘Yan lang ang makakapagpatunay kung sino talaga ang nagsasabi ng totoo.

Kris Aquino: No comment na lang ako. Promise. Baka sabihin ni Ate Ballsy, “Krissy, nakikialam ka na naman!” So quiet na lang ako. ‘K.

In Other News
NEDA Director General Cayetano Paderanga Jr. reportedly resigned due to personal reasons… otherwise known as “fired.”

After hurling threats and invectives on live television last week, TV 5 suspended the Tulfo brothers from appearing on their public affairs show. The program has since been reclassified from SPG to General Patronage.

War Mode?
Amid the Scarborough Shoal standoff, China has reportedly  shifted to ‘war mode’ and is prepared to deploy its military units. Not to be outdone, the Philippines is prepared to deploy the Tulfo brothers.

Alone Again?
Persistent rumors have it that President Aquino and Grace Lee have called it quits after four months of dating. People were shocked. They never expected them to last that long.

Best Time
According to a study, the best time to post or share a link on Facebook is between 1PM and 4PM on Wednesdays – while the best time to share a link on Friendster is never.

Photo of the Week
People are talking about the controversial cover of TIME magazine. A number of readers, including Filipinos were offended by the sight of an almost four-year-old boy sucking on his mom’s breast. The only thing more offensive was the sight of Claudine Barretto on top of Ramon Tulfo.

A survey showed 60 percent of women were offended by the TIME magazine cover… while 90 percent of men wish they were the boy.

I’m not sure if you’ll agree but that cover sucks.

US President Obama has unveiled a new slogan: ‘Forward.’ President Aquino, meanwhile will not change his slogan: ‘Previous.’

Headline of the Week
Congratulations ABS-CBN News for sharing with us this exclusive, breaking story in the service of the Filipino people!

“Each of us deserves the freedom to pursue our own version of happiness. No one deserves to be bullied.”
~Barack Obama

Quotes Quiz: Who said…
“I did not ask his age, it did not matter to me. Besides, he looked young. I was really blinded with love. I also told him I will not continue this relationship without love.”
A: Zsa Zsa Padilla on Dolphy
B: Genelyn Magsaysay on Ramon Revilla Sr.
C: Flight attendant Rowena Lopez on Joseph Estrada
D: Loren Legarda on Tony Leviste

You Have Spoken
If you were from Manila, who would you probably vote for mayor next year?
-Joseph Estrada 12.55%
-Alfredo Lim 20.3%
-Thank goodness, I’m not from Manila! 67.16%

Have a productive week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

Answer to Quotes Quiz:
B: Genelyn Magsaysay on Ramon Revilla Sr.


A COMPILATION of letters, inquiries, and comments addressed to government leaders and other newsmakers. Have fun!

Dear President Aquino,
Ano po ba ang real score sa inyo ni Ma’am Grace Lee?
Aling Pelagia

Dear Aling Pelagia,
Hindi pa po ako nakaka-iskor.

Dear Congressman Pacquiao,
Talagang nakakagulat ang pagbabago n’yo. Hindi ko kinakaya.

Dear Dominga,
Matagal na ho akong relihiyoso. Kaya OA ang reaksyon n’yo. ‘Tsaka alin ho ba ang mas nakakagulat: Ang aking pagbabago o ang pagbabagong-anyo ng misis ko? Git a life.

Dear DepEd Secretary Armin Luistro,
Ano po ba ang ibig sabihin ng K sa programa ng DepEd na K+12?
Aburidong parents,
Mr. & Mrs. Genil

Hello there Mr. & Mrs. Genil!
Ang K sa K+12 ay marami pong kahulugan. Pwedeng kaklase, klasrum, kolehiyo, kabarilan o kaibigan. Pero mas akma yata ang “kuba” dahil tiyak na kuba na sa kakaaral ang anak n’yo, hindi pa rin siya tapos. I’m sure masasanay rin kayo. So, keri lang.
Bro. Armin

Dear Commission on Human Rights (CHR),
Grabe na ang init ng panahon. Hindi na ito makatarungan. Hindi n’yo ba kami tutulungan?
Sinisipon at inuubo,

Dear Saturnino,
Anong palagay mo sa CHR – Mercury Drug? Ang kailangan mo ay Alaxan, hindi katarungan. Ang tanga naman nito.

Dear Mrs.  Sharon Cuneta-Pangilinan,
Lagi ka na lang nagi-emote. Alin po kaya ang mas maraming issue: ‘yong Reader’s Digest o kayo?
Papa P Fanatico

Dear Papa P Fanatico,
I’m happy with my life because God has always been good to me. Hindi kita papatulan. I will not stoop to your level. B-A-K-L-A!

Dear Chief Justice Corona,
Apparently, hate ka ni Mr. Peping Cojuangco. Nangampanya ka raw sa Supreme Court para paboran ang mas mababang compensation sa mga owners ng Hacienda Luisita.

P.S. Sabi pa ni Mang Peping, pinersonal mo raw si Pangulong Aquino sa nasabing isyu. May katotohanan ba ang alegasyon niyang ito?

Dear Leona,

Dear Secretary Mar Roxas,
Nabasa ko sa diyaryo, wala ka raw balak tumakbo sa pagka-pangulo sa 2016. Anong kalokohan ito?

Dear Korina,
Usap na lang tayo later. Huwag dito. Nakakahiya. I love you babe.

Dear Foreign Affairs Department,
Ano ba talaga ang name ng pinag-aagawang area? Scarborough Shoal, Panatag Shoal, o Bajo de Masinloc? Iba-iba kayo ng ginagamit eh. Paano kayo mananalo n’yan sa China kung sa pangalan pa lang ‘di na kayo magkasundo? Umayos nga kayo!
Fu Meng Xhia

Dear Fu Meng Xhia,
Galit ka? Affected?!? Sadyang tatlo ang ginagamit naming pangalan. Dahil sabi nga nila: “If you can’t beat them, confuse them!” Eh ikaw, bakit ganyan ang pangalan mo? Ispiya! Kapal mo!

Dear Congressman Niel Tupas Jr,
In less than a week, the impeachment trial will resume. Are you prepared?
Senator Miriam

Dear Senator Miriam,
The truth of the matter is we have decided to…

Sen Miriam: I’m only asking if you’re ready or not. It’s answerable by a simple yes or no. Did I ask you to elaborate!? No! Wha!

Cong. Tupas: I submit your honor.

Dear Mayor,
Matapos ka naming suportahan noong nakaraang eleksyon, ito pa ang igaganti mo sa amin? Demolisyon??!!! Wala ka nang maaasahan sa susunod na halalan! Tandaan mo ‘yan! Tandaan mo ‘yan!

Dear Leodegaria,
Mas kikita ho ang city hall sa itatayong condo. ‘Tsaka, ‘di ako natatakot sa banta n’yo. Tapos na ho ang termino ko. Belat!

Dear Ate Kris Aquino,
Sana tumakbo kang senador next year. Kailangan ka sa Senado. Ikaw ang pag-asa ng mga naghihirap, walang hanapbuhay at walang makaing Pilipino. Parang awa mo na.
Luzviminda Balingit Santos-Lalata y Rivera

Dear Luzviminda,
Nakakaloka ka! Ano ako? Pantawid Pamilya Program? Aha-ha-ha Hindi kita kinaya girl! Hayaan mo, sa 2016 baka sakali. Alam mo naman ang kampanya, magastos ‘di ba? ‘Tapos, nawalan pa kami ng hacienda (I hate you Corona!) so kailangang super tipid. Hindi ko naman pwedeng iasa ang future ni Bimby sa kakarampot na sustento ni James right?. Ay, ano ba ‘yon! Sorrry. Erase! Erase! Erase! Aha-ha-ha!
Love, love, love

Dear President Aquino,
Ang pogi natin sa picture sa taas ah! Ang cool ng glasses! Parang superhero! Asteeeg!
Ikaw na!

Dear Giovanni,
Ulol! Thanks!
“You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.”
~ Naguib Mahfouz

Have a great week ahead!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER ‘intercepted’ the following tweets. Enjoy reading the post while he verifies the authenticity of the Twitter accounts.

Hahaha 47% sa Pulse Asia; 73% sa SWS. Guilty ka talaga @CJCorona. Pasalamat ka, walang survey ang #TVPatrol. Baka do’n 100% guilty ka na!

@TheRealPNoy Kaya ‘di mo natututukan ang blackout sa Mindanao eh, puro ka survey, puro ka impeachment! Magtrabaho ka nga!

Ikaw ang magtrabaho! Wala ka nang ginawa kundi magpa-misa!

@LawyerLacierda naiinggit ka? Eh ‘di magpamisa ka rin.

Teka lang. Bakit may nagre-react? Eh wala naman akong binanggit na pangalan. Palibhasa guilty.

Whatevs! @LawyerLacierda

B A K L A. hahaha

nagpaparinig ka ba? Hindi ka kasali sa usapan. Huwag kang makialam. @Megastar

@ITSMe_Midas huh? nooooo! I have bashers kasi on Twitter na sure kong pakawala ng baklang aktor who hurt my daughter. Definitely not you. “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22

Masyado harasment ang ginawa nila. Pa-priskun agad. Nasira ang reputasyun ko. Nananawagan ako kay Prisidinti. Dapat masibak yung BIR na yan.

@CongPacman we’re just doing our job. Kung maisusumite n’yo ang kaukulang tax & financial records, walang problema, walang kaso.

@Kim_BIR ikaw ba ang kinakausap ko? Kay Prisidinti ako nanawagan, ‘di sa ‘yu. Siyimpri, didifense mo ang tauhan mo. Ipag-pray na lang kita. Di kasi kayo nagbabasa ng Bible kaya nang-aapak kayu ng kapwa nyo. ‘Di tama ‘yun. Patawarin sana kayo ni Lord.

@Kim_BIR I think what you did to Manny was really unfair. Kiko and I support you @CongPacman! “Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” – Luke 12:32

Salamat @Migastar @Megastar. Hihihi natutuwa ako sa twits mo. Hindi ka busy? Juks lang.

Hello! Howsh everybody? Masalese ku pu! Nami-missh n’yo ba ako? I’m sure you do. Shiguro, hinahanap-hanap n’yo ang tunay at totoong Working Preshident… noh? Shana makabalik ako.

Some people are having illusions again. No, we won’t allow evil deeds to go punished.

@LawyerLacierda Tabalu keka! Manang-mana ka sa boss mong pikon at mapagpatol. Oo, ikaw ‘yon my dear student @TheRealPNoy!

Tinuruan ako ng aking mga magulang na gumalang maging sa mga preso. Kung masaya kayo sa pambabatikos, problema n’yo na ‘yan. @CongGMA

73 percent of PNoys Pinoys want Corona convicted #resignNAkasi

Wha! Wha! Wha! @OfficialSWS

#ignore #ignore #ignore

Spotted: @TheRealPinoy and @FullofGraceLee buying DVDs in Greenhills with @RonaldLlamasMovieBuff around 12noon today. They’re having fun.

@EduManzanoHere your tweet is pure tsismis, intriga, baseless and paninira. @TheRealPinoy was not in Greenhills. He’s in his room watching @FullofGraceLee on #Balitanghali. And @RonaldLlamasMovieBuff has never been to Greenhills. FYI: He frequents Circle C mall on Congressional Avenue, QC. #tsismoso #kuryente

@EduManzanoHere “Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the Lord.” – Leviticus 19:16

I would like to apologize for tweeting that wrong information on @TheRealPinoy. I got the info through ‘crowdsourcing.’ I should have been more careful. Btw, @Megastar, is this really you? Whatever.

@FullofGraceLee @LawyerLacierda @RonaldLlamasMovieBuff ignore na lang the tsismis. maiinis lang kayo. “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.” Proverbs 11:13

@Megastar Thanks Shawie. Regards to @KikoPangilinnan. He’s been doing really great in the impeachment trial. Please tell him to keep it up.

Say hi to our newest members, former Congressman @Aced_Barbers and former Congresswoman @CynthiahVillar. #AlamNa #tatakbo


@Junjun_Tupas Twitter Netiquette 101: As a courtesy to your three followers and other people on Twitterverse, pls refrain from using all caps. Wha! And you might want to use the @ sign when you tag people. It should not be spelled out. #bobo

@SENATORMIRIAM @SenatorMiriam… sorry ma’am. i submit.

hi @SenatorMiriam! You’re right po. Bastos nga ang all caps. Parang nagmumura. Sabi nga po sa Colossians 4:6: “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” Good night po. Sleepy na ako.

excited for tomorrow’s target shooting with @junjunbinayiscool @leilaDLM @virgieLTO @RonaldLlamasMovieBuff and @Kim_BIR! kitakits guys!

Hayyy, #Noynoying time na naman.

Ulol! @AnakbayanKami

magkamatayan na pero hinding-hindi ako susuko! wala akong maaasahang hustisya sa gobyernong ito. #overmydeadbody

@GobJoelReyes ‘tol, unsolicited advice. try mong mag-google ng mga recipe. mag-aral kang magluto para ‘di ka mainip habang nagtatago. unahin mo ang adobo at caldereta.

thanks Idol! @PingpingLacson

Thank God I’m safe. These robbers talaga. Pwede namang sa Megamall na lang. hayyssssssshsshhh

We’ve got it all for you. Including security. Unlike our competitor. Xie Xie!

@iAmHenrySy excuse me. magkaiba tayo ng market. after all, galleria is galleria. mas high-end kami ‘noh. hayysssssshsssh

inspired! thank you @TheRealPNoy! xoxo

sana ‘wag pakasigurado. at sana ‘wag feeling. #walaLang

inspired! thank you @TheRealPNoy! xoxo ERROR. Tweet cannot be found. Try to refresh your browser.

nakakaloka. may nag-delete ng tweet. wala naman akong pinangalanan. aha-ha-ha Anyway, Today is Saturday, March 31, day 151, we pray for Trinidad & Tobago (Carribean). As we reflect on the JOYFUL mysteries let us pray for these intentions (cont) http://tl.6u

hindi ko kinakaya ang sarili ko! pray ako nang pray sa Twitter! aha-ha-ha

RT “@theKrisAquino: hindi ko kinakaya ang sarili ko! pray ako nang pray sa Twitter! aha-ha-ha” | PANSIN KO NGA RIN. ‘Musta na? Nag-iisang reyna ka na d’yan. Happy ka na? #aminin

hindi ako pumapatol sa mga bitter. you know who you are. love love love. peace peace peace.

RT “theKrisAquino: hindi ako pumapatol sa mga bitter.” | I THINK YOU’re judging me. “The LORD lifteth up the meek: he casteth the wicked down to the ground.” – Psalm 7:11. Good night tweeps. Super sleepy na talaga. Mwah!

Good night @FullofGraceLee! Sweet dreams. #naks

Good night @TheRealPNoy! Thank you for being you. xoxo
Ang mushy pala ni @FullofGraceLee!

@Megastar Gising ka pa rin!!?? Lahat na lang yata pinatulan mo ah. Alam ba ni @KikoPangilinnan na nagtu-tweet ka?

@TheRealPNoy Oo naman! Kasi, sabi sa Proverbs 18:22, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.”

Nakakaloka! Aha-ha-ha
“The qualities that make Twitter seem inane and half-baked are what makes it so powerful.”
~Jonathan Zittrain

Have a safe weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


IT’S LENT. It’s that season of penitence and suffering again. Thank you oil companies for reminding us.

President Aquino on Sunday admitted that the government cannot do anything with the soaring oil prices saying it’s beyond his control. Right now, the only thing that he can control is Congress.

A study conducted by the National Statistical Coordination Board showed that men were generally “happier” than women. The same study found that oil companies were the happiest.

March 19: Day 31
For the first time since the Corona impeachment trial started, lead Defense counsel Serafin Cuevas called in sick. Or as the prosecution panel would say, “total relief.”

The Rich
A GMANewsTV special report found that 98 percent of incumbent congressmen were millionaires. The remaining 2 percent are slowly catching up.

In his 2009 SALN, Quezon 3rd District Representative Danilo Suarez declared at least 11 cars. He’s got more cars than laws passed.

PMA Class 2012
On Sunday, President Aquino called on the graduates of the Philippine Military Academy to join the fight against corruption. Heeding the president’s call, this morning, the new graduates surrounded the Batasang Pambansa complex.

Wanted: Presidential Car
President Aquino revealed Malacañang is scouting for one or two new vehicles to replace the old presidential car. In fact, at this very moment, palace representatives are checking out the cars on display at Congressman Danilo Suarez’s show room.

The National Youth Commission reported that 2 out of 5 teenagers tried smoking in 2011. Another study showed 2 out of 5 teenagers identified the President as their role model.

Pacman & God
According to 8-division world champion Manny Pacquiao, he had been told by God in a dream to retire soon. In the interest of fairness, we will try to get the side of God.

This just in: God confirms conversation with Pacquiao; denies rift with Pastor Apollo Quiboloy

In the Philippines, March is Fire Prevention Month – that time of the year when most fires are not prevented.

Did you hear about the fire that gutted Ever Gotesco Grand Central Mall in Kalookan City? That was one for the books. It lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage.

Reports are now saying that the city fire marshal was drunk at the height of the Gotesco Grand Central Mall fire. Fire him!

Floyd Mayweather Jr. is reportedly standing by his racist comments about Asian-American NBA star Jeremy Lin. In totally unrelated news, Mayweather has been offered a hosting job on GMA 7’s ‘Unang Hirit.’

According to the World Factbook, Monaco tops the list of places where people live the longest followed by Macau. In third place? The Corona impeachment court.

The President’s Love Life
Quoting lead Defense counsel Serafin Cuevas, President Aquino brushed off a reporter’s question about his lovelife saying it was “immaterial, irrelevant and impertinent.” Initially, the President wanted to quote lead prosecutor Niel Tupas but realized he’d sound stupid if he’d answer, “I submit.”
“When you let money speak for you, it drowns out anything else you meant to say.”
~Mignon McLaughlin

Quotes of the Day
“Hindi kailangang pansinin. Papaano mo ipapakita sa ayaw tumingin? Paano mo iparirinig sa ayaw makinig? Kung masaya silang ginagawa nila ‘yon, nasa kanila ‘yon. ‘Pag sinasabing wala akong ginagawa, at pangit ang nangyayari, eh ‘di anong conclusion doon? Tinitingnan ba nila, nakikinig ba sila? Eh ‘di kung ganoon, ayaw nila, anong magagawa ko? Basta gagawin ko ang palagay ko ay tama at palagay ko may resulta na nangyayari.”
~President Aquino on the militants’ new form of protest called ‘Noynoying’

“I will not stay long in boxing because He said: ‘You have done enough. You have made yourself famous but this is harmful.”
~Cong. Manny Pacquiao

You Have Spoken
Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa mga naging pahayag ni Arnold Clavio hinggil sa ilang members ng Philippine Azkals?
Totoo naman ang sinabi n’ya eh. 45.56%
Racist! Sexist! Discriminatory! 21.89%
Opinyon niya ‘yon. Igalang natin ang pananaw n’ya. 32.54%

Happy birthday to one of the regular readers of this blog, Singapore-based Mr. Jimmy Lorenzo. Good health on your birthday sir!

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SALN, Kulam, Impyerno, Atbp. Kwento

IT’S THE WEEKEND. Let’s try to answer some of the questions sent by our readers – political figures, celebrities, and concerned Filipinos. Have fun!

Dear Professional Heckler,
Pangarap kong mag-guest sa iba’t ibang TV at radio stations. Ano ang dapat kong gawin?
Luigi ng Kalookan

Dear Luigi,
Maging Chief Justice ka muna.

Dear Professional Heckler,
Palala nang palala ang kriminalidad sa aming bayan. Lately, mga estudyante na ang tina-target ng mga holdupper. Taga-Makati ka ‘di ba? And’yan ba ang mayor namin?
Residente ng Los Baños

Dear Worried Residente ng Los Baños,

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko kahapon sa balita na ayaw ipakita ni Cong. Niel Tupas ang kanyang SALN sa GMA News. Bakit kaya?
Peachy of Pagudpud

Dear Peachy,
Sabi nga ng author ng ‘Up In the Air’ na si Walter Kirn, “Everyone loves a witch hunt as long as it’s someone else’s witch being hunted.”

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na-gets ang sagot mo sa aking tanong. Puwede bang paki-explain?
Ako Ulit,
Peachy of Pagudpud

Dear Peachy,
Ang kulit mo! Ganito na lang. Kumuha ka ng dictionary. ‘Tapos hanapin mo ang word na ‘hypocrite.’ ‘Yun na ‘yun!

Dear Professional Heckler,
Finally, after 52 long years, nahanap ko na yata ang aking Seoul soulmate. Dapat na ba akong mag-propose? Baka kasi makawala pa eh. What do you think? Btw, she’s Korean.
Yours truly,
John Lloyd of Manila

Dear John Lloyd,
Kung maka-John Lloyd ka naman! Kilala na kita! Huwag ka nang gumamit ng alias. Unfortunately, you can’t have the best of both worlds right now. Hintayin mo na lang ang 2016. Kung bago mag-2016 eh mag-break kayo, what else is new? Sanay ka na naman ‘di ba?

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sssh, atin-atin lang ‘to. Meron akong naipong dolyar. Malaki-laki ring halaga ‘yon. Saang bangko ko kaya ito dapat ideposit?
Mr. Congressman

Dear Mr. Congressman,
Kung kaalyado ka ng administrasyon, it doesn’t matter kung saan mang bangko mo ‘yan itago. Hindi lalabas ang detalye ng account mo. Pero kung kalaban ka, #AlamNa!

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto mo bang mag-join sa Lambda Rho Beta? May orientation bukas. Free drinks.
Tara na,

Dear Agaton,
Ayoko pang mamatay. Ikaw na lang.

Dear Professional Heckler,
Balik-Senado na naman kami sa Lunes. Sawang-sawa na kasi kami sa panlalait, pagpapahiya, at panlelektyur sa amin ng isang senadora. Ano kayang mabisang pangontra?
Congressman Niel

Dear Congressman Niel,
Umayos ka!

Dear Professional Heckler,
Totoo po bang kinulam si Mommy Dionisia?
Karen of Gen San

Dear Karen,
Kung si Pacman ang tatanungin, hindi siya naniniwala sa kulam. Pero kung titingnan mo ang matanda, mukha nga siyang kinulam. Either that,or na-miss niya ang kanyang quarterly Botox injection. Hayaan mo na. Mapera naman siya.

Dear Professional Heckler,
I plan to visit your country soon. Where should I go?
Taylor Kitsch

Dear Taylor,
Where should you go?!? Go to hell.

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sino po kaya ang mas mayaman: si Aleli Arroyo o si Grace Ibuna?
Tsismosa ng QC

Dear Tsismosa,
Sinong mas mayaman? Si Atty. Lorna Kapunan! #AlamNa

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nagulat po ako sa bagong look ni Charice. May tattoo pa! Lesbian po ba siya?
Super fan,

Dear Aizee,
Mahusay siyang singer!

Dear Professional Heckler,
Kapuso fan ako. Ano po ba ang ‘A’ sa GMA?
Jayson Balingit Lalata y Rivera

Dear Jayson,
Ang ‘A’ sa GMA ay ‘Annabelle.’ Just kidding.

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi ng matandang pari, meron daw impyerno. In fact, doon daw mapupunta ang senadorang nagsabing “gago” ang prosekusyon. Totoo kaya?
Aling Pacing ng Payatas

Dear Aling Pacing,
Tinawag lang na gago ang prosekusyon impyerno kaagad? ‘Di ba pwedeng purgatoryo muna?

Dear Professional Heckler,
My teacher in kindergarten asked me to make a horse out of a three-piece puzzle. I told her “Only God can make a horse!” Ibinagsak niya ako! Tama ba naman ‘yon??!

Dear Benignoy,
“Corruption and hypocrisy ought not to be inevitable products of democracy, as they undoubtedly are today.”
~Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

Have a great weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: iStockPhoto, CLipArt, GraphicImages)

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