CRUCIFIED

CHRISTIANS are observing the annual Holy Week tradition. It’s that week of pain, penance, and suffering. Or as Metro Manila motorists would say, “everyday.”

1jeru

We all know what happened ‘that week.’ It all began at the time of the festival of Passover. Jesus arrived in Jerusalem on a donkey instead of a car because of the LTO’s “no registration, no travel policy.”

According to the Gospels, Jesus was arrested after the Last Supper. No fanfare, no media coverage, and no petition filed for  hospital arrest.

1Arrest

Roman officers with swords and shields made the arrest after the Last Supper. Reliable sources revealed President Aquino was already in the area for the expected turnover.

One of his disciples, Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. But karma caught up with Judas. Just a few days after getting his reward, he was slapped with tax evasion charges by Kim Henares.

There were some tense moments when the Romans sent by the high priests arrived to make the arrest. Some disciples tried to intervene. This could have been avoided if there was proper coordination before they launched the operation.

1ear
The Gospel of John tells us that when Jesus is being arrested, one of his disciples takes a sword and cuts off the ear of a hight priest’s servant. The  ear would never be seen again as it was sent to the US for DNA testing.

Another disciple, Peter had his share of controversy. When Jesus was arrested, he followed the arresting officers. But a woman recognized him and said, “You’re friends with him!” Peter denied Jesus thrice until the woman showed a piece of evidence: a photo showing Jesus partying with his disciples including Peter, and news anchor Vicky Morales.

1Thieves
Jesus is then tried and condemned by the Sanhedrin. He was sentenced to death by crucifixion. On Golgotha, he was crucified between two actor-politicians.

There you have it. My crucifixion joke. I hope I nailed it.

Lenten Message
Malacañang released President Aquino’s recorded Lenten message the other day. According to Rappler, the gist of the President’s message was “others before self.” Incidentally, the title of the Lenten message was, “When things go bad, who should be blamed?”

1gfLee Kuan Yew
Vice President Binay said Lee Kuan Yew, the highly-respected founder of Singapore, was his “inspiration in rebuilding Makati.” When Lee Kuan Yew heard this, he slapped an angel.

Epalitician
The valedictorian of a public school in Malabon received a medal with an image of their congresswoman. The medal was 1 percent gold and 99 percent campaign paraphernalia.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart.”
~Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

Sound Bites
“Lee Kuan Yew made Singapore immensely rich, while Makati made Mr. Binay immensely rich. That’s the difference.”
~Prof. Solita Collas-Monsod

Have a safe and fun holiday break!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Shadow of the Cross.Org; Catholica.com.au; Prophecy in the News.com; PixShark.com; Mothership.Sg]

THE EMOJI QUIZ: ARE YOU SMART ENOUGH?

POLITICAL FIGURES and government officials (unless specified) shown as emojis! See if you can guess all of them!

Here’s an example to get you started.
TV
– A woman
– A TV set
– A boy
– Another boy (older)
– Loud speakers
Answer: Kris Aquino

Another example:
2Untitled
– A house
– Crocodiles
– Money
Answer: House of Representatives

Got it? Good luck! Keep track of your score. We’ll interpret the results later.

Emoji Quiz

ANSWERS:
Highlight each item to reveal the answer.

1: President Aquino
– A balding man
– Cigar

2: Junjun Binay
– A man
– Umbrella
– Building
– Money

3: Janet Lim-Napoles
– A woman
– Money
Bath tub
– Running away
– Police

4: Manny Pangilinan

5: Ninoy Aquin0

6: Manny Pacquiao

6: Sorry for the error in numbering
Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada

8: Juan Ponce Enrile

9: Imelda Marcos

10: Lito Lapid
– A man
– A horse
– A gun
– Someone asleep

11: Nancy Binay

12: Rey Pamaran (Nemesis of Melissa Mendez)

13: Mayor Joseph Estrada
– A man
– Alcohol
– Women
– Gambling

14: Vice President Binay
– A man
– Coconut tree
– A palace

15: Mar Roxas
– A bike (padyak)
– A man
– Blue (his official color)

16: Mister International 2015 PO2 Neil Perez

17: Sen. TG Guingona
– A huge ear
– Color blue
– A ribbon
(He’s the Blue Ribbon Committee chair)

18: Tito Sotto

19: ER Ejercito

20: Miss Universe-Philippines Pia Wurtzbach

What your score means:
18-20: Mahusay ang imahinasyon mo. Magagamit mo ‘yan sa larangan ng pag-ibig lalo na kung single ka. Imaginin mo na lang na may nagmamahal sa ‘yo. Kahit wala naman talaga.

15-17: Mas mataas pa sana ang makukuha mo kung hindi ka overweight. Mag-diet.

12-14: Sakto lang. Not good. Not bad. Parang ‘yong budget mo this Holy Week break. Magtipid!

9-11: ‘Wag nang magtaka kung bakit wala kang love life. Boring kang kausap. Magbasa pa.

8 and Below: Tanggapin ang kapalaran. Hanggang d’yan lang talaga ang alam mo eh, anong magagawa natin?
————————————————————————————————————————————–
“I think what makes ‘Jeopardy!’ special is that, among all the quiz and game shows out there, ours tends to encourage learning.”
~Alex Trebek

Sound Bites
“Bilang Pangulo, napakaraming usapin ang kailangan kong tutukan nang sabay-sabay, na kailangan ng agarang tugon at pagdedesisyon. Responsibilidad ko ang 100 milyong Pilipino sa loob at labas ng ating bansa. Opo, ako ang Pangulo, pero tao rin ako. Hindi ko kayang basahin ang iniisip ng bawat kausap ko, at hindi ko kayang mabantayan ang lahat sa lahat ng panahon.”
~President Aquino, Philippine National Police Academy Graduation rites, 3.27.2015

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

THE SECOND HALF

THE YEAR is almost over. Here’s a recap of some of my [personal] favorite posts from July to the present. In case you missed it…

#1muPork Barrel Fund Scam
Like Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada, Senator Enrile was examined by doctors in Camp Crame. The results: Blood Pressure 200 over 90; Pulse, 84, and Heart, It’s Complicated.

Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored girlfriend Gigi Reyes was also arrested last Friday. Or as Cristina Enrile calls it, ‘the best day of my life.’

The Sandiganbayan ordered the transfer of Gigi Reyes to the BJMP jail at Camp Bagong Diwa, Bicutan, Taguig City. The anti-graft court denied her petition to be detained in Camp Crame. Prosecutors hailed the ruling as a victory for justice, taxpayers, and Cristina Enrile.

On Wednesday night, Gigi Reyes experienced anxiety attack – allegedly, so she was rushed to the Taguig-Pateros District Hospital. On Friday night, she was transferred to the Philippine Heart Center in Quezon City on suspicions she had a heart problem. Doctors immediately examined her and concluded she has a condition called, “still in love and couldn’t move on.”

The lawyer of Janet Lim-Napoles says the pork barrel queen is happy now because, “She has given up her life for the Lord.” This morning, the Lord replied, “No, thanks!”

The Sandiganbayan granted Gigi Reyes’s petition to undergo a brain scan at the PGH. The controversial lawyer, who is facing plunder charges reportedly banged her head against the wall last August 5. Aww, that’s unfortunate. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the wall.

A news report says Jinggoy Estrada is suffering from the same illness as Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: arthritis of the neck. The report has been dismissed as baseless and preposterous mostly because Jinggoy doesn’t have a neck.

The Anti-Money Laundering Council has discovered that Bong Revilla lied in his SALN. Among other things.

1BINThe Binays
Vice President Binay’s rating in Pulse Asia’s September 2014 survey on Filipinos’ presidential preferences dropped to 31 percent from 41 percent in June. Rumors say Binay is depressed because he lost 10 percent – something that’s unusual for him. He’s so used to gaining 13 percent.

Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada says he will run for president in 2016 if Vice President Binay is adopted by the Liberal Party. In short, the next elections will probably be a choice between Estrada and Binay. One is a womanizing, graft-tainted, long-serving politician and the other one is Erap.

Of the government’s four highest-ranking officials, Vice President Binay got the highest trust and approval rating. It was so high… Junjun Binay had to take the elevator.

Vice President Binay insists corruption allegations against him and his family are politically-motivated because he continues to top presidential surveys. Detractors should also be wary of the fact that mudslinging the Binays is a waste of mud.

1MCORR
Makati residents gathered in front of the building to show their support for the Binays. One resident held a placard that said, “Walang corrupt sa Makati.” In totally unrelated news, wala na raw Katoliko sa Vatican City.

The alleged Binay estate in Rosario, Batangas has an air-conditioned piggery – the second of its kind to be built in the Philippines… after Batasang Pambansa.

The release of his youngest daughter’s Instagram photos has angered Vice President Binay. For him, what Alan Peter Cayetano did was too much. Joanna Marie Binay who captioned one of her photos, “Our place in Batangas.” has since deactivated her Instagram account. Antonio Tiu couldn’t help but pity the young Binay. He was so affected he came close to admitting that he owned the Instagram account.

Reports say tycoon Manny Pangilinan is being considered by Vice President Binay as a potential running mate in 2016. Interesting. One is an intelligent, hardworking guy who has made billions from his empire and the other one is Manny Pangilinan.

1NOYPresident Aquino
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, 55 percent of Filipinos were satisfied with President Aquino’s performance. The rest were Noranians.

According to online reports, President Aquino’s motorcade halted traffic on Haight St. in San Francisco, California when his entourage dropped by a McDonald’s restaurant to eat lunch. After finishing his meal, President Aquino bought some McDonald’s toys for his allies in Congress. Each of his solon-friends will get a Hamburglar.

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, 6 in 10 Filipinos do not want a second term for President Aquino. The six were identified as Jojo, Junjun, Nancy, Abby, Anne, and Elenita.

November 7 marks the first anniversary of Super Typhoon Yolanda. President Aquino and his men visited the areas most severely damaged by the super typhoon. First stop, Malacañang.

A group wants President Aquino to seek a second term saying he’s “the best and only successor.” The group calls itself “MORE2COME.” Personally though, President Aquino finds “MORE2COME” a bit of a challenge. At his age.

Phivolcs says Mayon Volcano is restive again and an “eruption is possible within weeks.” When President Aquino heard this, he said, “’Buti pa ‘yong Mayon, pumuputok pa.”

2IMImelda
On her 85th birthday, Imelda Marcos prayed for strength to prolong her existence. In response, God gave her formalin.

On her birthday, Imelda visited her constituents and handed them cash gifts. The people thanked her for giving them back their money.

Imelda Marcos is confident of reclaiming Malacañang through her son Bongbong Marcos. If Marcos Jr. gets elected, his wife Louise will have too many shoes to fill.

Arrested
Jovito Palparan, the retired major general who was labeled as “The Butcher” by leftists has been arrested in Manila. The lone informant will receive a bounty of 2 million pesos. The NBI has submitted his name to the President, the DOJ and the BIR.

Reports say the intelligence operation to capture retired Major General Jovito Palparan was codenamed Project Runway. When arresting agents came face to face with Palparan though, they changed the operation code to Ambush Makeover.

At least 10 police officers were allegedly behind the EDSA-Mandaluyong robbery-abduction case last week.Two of the cops were “repeat offenders.” SPO1 Ramil Hachero and PO2 Jonathan Rodriguez were slapped with the same charges in 2011. Apparently, they never learned. Hachero and Rodriguez are the Jinggoy Estrada of the police force.

1PacPacquiao
Manny Pacquiao has been drafted in the PBA by the team that earlier named him as coach. The world class boxer-turned actor-turned politician-turned TV host-turned motivational speaker-turned cager will suit up as KIA’s playing coach. That explains why TV5’s latest programming puts the PBA under the category ‘Sitcom.’

At the PBA Rookie Draft on Sunday, KIA also picked Manny’s cousin, the unheralded and the inexperienced Rene Pacquiao. Observers believe he was chosen only because of Manny’s influence and popularity. Rene Pacquiao is the Nancy Binay of the PBA.

Congested
According to the Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, the congestion rate of jails nationwide is now at 326 percent. In fact, some detention cells reportedly have congestion rates of more than 1,000 percent. However, not all facilities with criminals are congested. Exception: Batasang Pambansa.

Attraction
Manila Crocodile Park’s newest attraction is a huge croc named Longlong – a robotic replica of Lolong, once the world’s largest crocodile in captivity. Made of fiber glass and steel, Longlong can crawl, open its mouth, move its head, and deliver privilege speeches.

Brownouts
Several areas in Metro Manila and adjacent provinces are experiencing rotating brownouts. Or as the Aquinos would call it, “legacy.”

Be Proud
The 8th National Nutrition Survey of the Food and Nutrition Research Institute showed 3 out of 10 Filipinos were overweight and obese. To those three, don’t be sad and don’t feel bad. Double chin up!

Three years after signing a five-year [rumored] billion-peso contract with TV5, actress Sharon Cuneta has severed ties with the Kapatid Network. Sources say it wasn’t an easy decision. The Megastar will leave the network with a heavy heart, hips, arms, and thighs.

1JBVideo Scandal
TV host Paolo Bediones has filed a formal complaint against people who released and uploaded copies of his sex video. The PNP says the uploaded sex video is a vital piece of hard evidence that will definitely stand up in court.

Part 2 of newsman Paolo Bediones’s sex video is reportedly being shared online. Bediones has since apologized to his home network, and to Hayden Kho for ‘copyright infringement.’

Cheaters
A new study has revealed men over 5’10” are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. And Kris Aquino was like, “True!”
—————————————————————————————
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.”
~Jarod Kintz

Sound Bites
“That’s out of the question. He’s not running for vice president. He prefers to tend to his business than run for vice president.”
~Sen. Cynthia Villar on former senator Manny Villar

Have a great weekend! Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

ALAM MO NA! [Krissy For You, Super Mario atbp. Kwento]

“NAKAKALOKA! Akala ako it was Ondoy all over again! Ganito ang nangyari Darla.

1KA
I slept at around 11:45PM last Thursday kasi nga it was starting to rain na and ‘bed weather’ talaga. Maaga namang natulog ang mga bagets ‘tsaka early ang taping ko the next day so I decided to sleep na rin. Paggising ko ng 7AM, gosh, it was still raining hard and flooded na raw ang Metro Manila. So I texted Darla to inform her na magpapatila lang ako nang konti. Pero naloka ako nang bonggang-bongga dahil 10 o’clock na, umuulan pa rin. And the news was like, grabe! It was baha na raw everywhere. Hindi ko kinaya si typhoon Mario! Walang tigil! Parang bibig ko lang. Aha-ha-ha!

Dahil stranded naman ang mga tao sa kani-kanilang mga bahay, at canceled ang taping namin, I decided to answer na lang the issues hounding me. Oo! Hounding me talaga. Bakit? Eh talaga namang maraming isyu about me eh. So sasagutin ko na lang here para matapos na.

But first, allow me to salute ABS-CBN News for this timely and relevant story. Promise, nakasalalay rito ang GNP growth ng Pilipinas sa susunod na quarter. Ito ‘yon.

1BUL

He’s so kawawa. I mean, look at those eyes. I can’t imagine myself inside that car for 11 hours. It’s so matagal! If I were him, I would have probably died. Kawawa naman si Bimby ‘tsaka si Josh. ‘Tapos wala nang magtatatanggol kay Kuya Noy. I can’t even. As in! So, to that boy in the car, if you’re reading this, I hope you got home safely. Winner ka huh! Na-news ka pa!

Wait! Gusto nga raw palang mag-hi ng mga taga-Tatalon, Quezon City.

1
Moving on… last Thursday, I was invited by Tito Jojo Binay sa PICC for his speech. You know naman, I’m really close to his daughter Anne. And the Binays are loyal to my mom. Alam mo na! Kaya lang, I thought baka magalit sa akin si Kuya Noy at sabihan na naman ako, “Kristina, ‘wag ka na sabing makialam sa pulitika. Cough. Cough. Cough.” Aha-ha-ha As if naman makokontrol niya akong magsalita ‘di ba? Anyway, nagsabi ako kay Tito Jojo na ‘di ako makakarating. Buti na lang, nando’n sina Tito Butz, Tito Peping at Tita Tingting so keri lang na wala ako. Well-represented naman ang both sides ng family so bongga!

Sa mga nagtatanong kung anong stand ko sa corruption issue against the Binays… ito lang ang masasabi ko: Care bears! Ang importante, we support each other at tumatanaw kami ng utang na loob sa isa’t isa. Besides, Tito Jojo is an action man! Last Friday nga, siya ang unang nag-distribute ng relief goods sa mga typhoon victims. Hindi nagsisinungaling ang evidence. Look!

1InaAndolong

Overpriced din kaya ang eco-bag? Joooke! Aha-ha-ha! By the way, I’d like to thank nga pala Nancy for the cake and silvanas she sent last night. Naloka naman ako sa sobrang taas ng cake mo! Eleven tiers talaga?!? World class?!? Sa sobrang taas ng cake, chineck ko tuloy kung may elevator. Aha-ha-ha You’re so sweet. Love na kitaaaa!

1KH
I’m so happy right now kasi Boy is so back. He lost a few pounds pero keri lang. Lalo ko siyang na-appreciate, promise. Sana na-appreciate din niya ang gift kong Hummer. At sa mga bumabatikos sa akin for announcing it to the world, mamatay kayo sa inggit haters! I mean, it’s just a Hummer, you know. What’s wrong with spending a few millions for a dear friend? Pinaghirapan ko ang perang ‘yon at hindi ninakaw. ‘Tsaka it’s not the first time na nagbigay ako ng sasakyan sa kaibigan. Hellllo! May donor’s tax pa ‘yan! I’ll pay for it so may kontribusyon na naman ako sa government! Kaya pleaaaaase, enough of the inggit and bitterness. Hellllllo!

Speaking of nakaw, laugh ako nang laugh sa kumakalat ngayong pic sa Facebook. May nakawala raw senador sa kulungan! Ayokong sabihin kung sino sa kanilang tatlo. Bahala na kayong mag-decide. Aha-ha-ha!

1FBpig
Gusto ko nga palang i-clarify ang lumabas na blind item sa column ni Tito Ricky Lo. The impression that I got was HP daw ako these days because of Toni Rose Gayda’s ex-husband Moonie Lim. Kasi naman post ako nang post ng pictures ng flowers na ipinapadala niya. So feeling ko tuloy, umasa siya. Can I just be honest? Hindi ko s’ya type. Sorry. Basta. I need not explain. You know naman my exes: Alvin, Philip, Joey, and James. Ayaw ko nang mag-elaborate. Refer na lang to this infographic. Aha-ha-ha.

Sa mga bashers na madalas akong sabihang malanding-malandi at sabik na sabik sa lalaki… this time, MALING-MALI kayo. OA naman ‘yong “sabik na sabik!” Sabik lang! Aha-ha-ha No, seriously, kuntento na ako sa kung anumang meron ako ngayon. Pero sana balikan ako ni Mayor Herbert. Promise!

Before I end, somebody’s asking nga pala kung ano raw ang masasabi ko sa paglusong ni Korina sa baha at pagsakay niya sa pedicab while reporting. NR! I’ve seen that padyak before. ‘Tsaka ayokong maging plastic ‘no! NoyBi kami forever. Unless… magpadala ng 15-tiered cake si Ate Koring – with world-class escalator. Aha-ha-ha!

1KS

Abangan n’yo nga pala ang sequel sa blockbuster movie kong ‘Feng Shui’ – ito po ang official entry ko sa Metro Manila Scream Festival. Hoy! ‘Wag n’yong maliitin ang project kong ‘to! Ang laki ng hirap ko rito! Bawat eksena, tumitili talaga ako. Mapa-drama, aksyon, comedy o intimate scenes, scream pa rin ako nang scream. Kaloka! Aha-ha-ha! SANDALI. O, Yaya, ba’t nand’yan ka?

Ma’am Krissy, may dumating pong flowers. Galing yata sa buylit n’yo. Hihihi

Gaga! Boylet!!! Sige, susunod na ako. O, I have to go na. Will take photos pa of the flowers para ma-post ko sa Instagram. Alam mo na! Love! Love! Love! Aha-ha-ha!”
—————————————————————————
“Thirst for attention is a cry of loneliness.”
~Toba Beta

Sound Bites
“Mga kababayan, mga kapwa ko Pilipino, sama-sama tayong lalaban sa kahirapan. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa pagdurusa na hinaharap natin araw-araw. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa takot na dulot ng kriminalidad. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa walang tigil na pagtaas ng presyo ng mga bilihin. Sama-sama tayong lalaban sa problema ng ating mga kabataan Walang atrasan. Lalaban tayo para gumanda at guminhawa ang buhay ng bawat Pilipino.”
~Vice President Jejomar Binay, 9.18.2014

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Dane Alegana/Kris, ABS-CBN News, GMA News, @InaAndolong-News9, Kris Aquino IG, Girlie Rodis-@ShowbizManila]

LEAKED: SONA 2014 [EXCLUSIVE!]

A PURPORTED DRAFT of President Aquino’s fifth State of the Nation Address was sent to this blogger. Here are [unedited] excerpts of the speech.

1INC

State of the Nation Address
of
His Excellency Benigno S. Aquino III
President of the Philippines
To the Congress of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives, Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City, on July 28, 2014]

“Naniniwala po ako sa kasabihang, ‘Ang pagsasabi ng tapat ay pagsasama ng maluwat.’ Kaya’t bago po ako magsimula, magtapatan na po tayo. Lahat ng may yellow ribbon sa kanilang suot, pumuwesto po kayo sa gawing kanan. ‘Yon naman pong wala, sa gawing kaliwa. Maraming salamat po.”

“Malinaw pong SONA ang matutunghayan n’yo ngayong hapon. Wala kaming in-advertise na laro o exhibition. Kung hindi n’yo po magugustuhan ang inyong maririnig, huwag umasa ng refund. Batasan po ang inyong pinuntahan, hindi Araneta Coliseum.” [Applause]

“Ito po ang aking ikalimang SONA, isa na lamang ang natitira. Sa mga taong hindi makahintay sa pagtatapos ng aking termino, relax lang po kayo. Huwag masyadong atat na makapuwesto. Sana’y nanonood ka pareng Toby Tiangco.”

“Ramdam na ramdam na po natin ang paglago ng ating ekonomiya. Pampubliko o pribadong sektor man, kitang-kita ang kaunlaran. Sa Makati City nga po, parking building pa lang, 1.56 billion pesos na ang halaga. [Applause] At sinong hindi mapapanganga sa bagong Philippine Arena? Pang-Guinness talaga! [Applause]

“Hindi po kaila sa inyo na matibay ang aking paninindigan sa DAP at ipagtatanggol ko ito hanggang sa abot ng aking makakaya. Dahil d’yan, effective last Friday, ako na po ang concurrent Secretary of Defense.” [Applause]

“Uulitin ko po. Mabuti ang DAP at maraming natulungan ang programang ito. Sa katunayan, kahit ho ‘yong pinakamatitindi kong kritiko, nakinabang dito. Tanungin n’yo pa si Bayan Muna Representative Neri Colmenares.” [Applause]

00
“Nang ako po ay iluklok ng aking mga “boss” sa Malacañang, nangako po tayong lalabanan natin ang katiwalian sa pamahalaan. Tinupad po natin ang pangakong ‘yan. Sa sandaling ito, mangyari po lamang na ituon ang inyong atensyon sa LED wall sa gawing kanan. Sa unang pagkakataon sa kasaysayan ng SONA sa Pilipinas, magkakaroon po tayo ng live feed mula sa PNP Custodial Center, PNP General Hospital at Fort Sto. Domingo.” [Applause]

“Unahin natin ang PNP Custodial Center. Senador Bong at Senador Jinggoy, alam kong naririnig n’yo ako. Pumasok kayo sa confession room.”

BONG: Hello po Kuya. Mabuti naman po at napadalaw kayo.
JINGGOY: May ipapagawa ka bang challenge sa amin Kuya?

“Bong, Jinggoy… ikinalulungkot kong sabihing hindi n’yo nagawa ang pinaka-importanteng challenge bilang mga halal na opisyal: ang magpaka-honest. Dahil d’yan, awtomatiko kayong nominated for conviction sa susunod na trial. Sanga pala, hindi ako si Kuya. Ako si Noynoy at live kayong napapanood sa Kongreso ngayon.” [Canned laughter/Applause]

“Ngayon naman ay makikita n’yo ang live feed mula sa PNP General Hospital. Kung inyong mapapansin, parang natutulog lang si Senator Enrile. Huwag na nating gambalain ang matanda; respeto na lang. Ipasok naman natin ang live feed mula sa Fort Sto. Domingo. Hayan… makikita natin sa screen ang isang lalaki at isang babaeng magkapatong. TURN THAT OFF! ANONG KAHALAYAN ‘YAN?! [Collective gasp] Pasensya na po mga boss. Ngayon nga pala ang scheduled visit ni Mr. Jaime Napoles kay Mrs. Janet Lim-Napoles. Sorry po!”

1IM
“Moving on… may mga nagtatanong nga po lagi sa akin: Paano na sa 2016? Paano ‘pag wala ka na? Tapos na rin ba ang tuwid na daan? Babalik na ba ang KADILIMAN? Hindi ko po sasagutin ‘yan. Ayaw ko pong maakusahang racist ni Manong Jojo Binay.”

“Katulad ng aking sinabi sa inauguration ng Philippine Arena noong nakaraang linggo… pairalin natin ang pagmamahalan sa halip na pagsisiraan na nauuwi sa pagkakawatak-watak. Kung nais n’yo pong ‘mapalapit’ sa kapwa Pilipino, mag-MRT kayo.” [Applause]

“Napakahalaga po sa akin ng kalusugan ng mamamayang Pilipino. ‘Yan po ang dahilan kung bakit naglaan tayo ng 70 million pesos mula sa DAP para sa stem cell research program ng Lung Center of the Philippines. Priorities!” [Applause]

“Mataas po ang tingin ko sa mga empleyado ng pamahalaan. Malaki ang papel na ginagampanan nila sa paglago ng ating ekonomiya. Kung hindi ko man maibigay ang dagdag-suweldong hinihingi nila, babawi na lang ako sa pagbibigay sa kanila ng sapat na pahinga. Kaya ngayong 2015, halos dalawampu ang non-working holidays!” [Applause]

“Likas ang pagiging masipag ng mga Pilipino. Multi-tasker nga raw ang mga Pinoy. Isa sa mga buhay na patotoo ang kasamahan natin sa Kongreso: lawmaker, boxer, preacher, singer, actor, TV host, at ngayon ay basketball coach. Ikaw na talaga Cong. Manny Pacquiao!” [Applause]

“Sa mga pribadong tanggapan naman, hindi rin maikakaila ang sipag ng mga empleyado. Maging mga broadcasters, rumaraket na rin sa tanggapan ng gobyerno. Isumbong Mo Kay… joke lang. Ayaw kong ma-libelo!” [Canned laughter]

“Nitong nakaraang linggo, nilagdaan ko ang R.A. 10643 o “An Act to Effectively Instill Health Consciousness through Graphic Health Warnings on Tobacco Products.” Whatever!

1INC
“Kitang-kita rin natin ang progreso sa larangan ng enerhiya. Kung sa termino ng aking namayapang ina ay walong oras ang brownout, ngayon ay tatlong oras na lamang. Palakpakan po natin si Secretary Ikot Petilla.” [Applause]

“Iwaksi po natin ang negatibo at mag-focus sa positibo. The glass is half-full not half-empty. Wala mang power supply, bababa naman ang bayad sa kuryente. Now na!” [Applause]

“Noong nakalipas na taon, pinuri tayo ng international community dahil sa nilagdaang kasunduan with the MILF na naglalayong makamit ang kapayapaan sa Mindanao. Sa mga susunod pong araw, kapayapaan pa rin ang aking tututukan: ang pakikipag-ayos sa Kataas-taasang Hukuman. I’ll try.” [Applause]

“Naging aktibo rin tayo sa kampanya laban sa pambu-bully ng Beijing sa mga teritoryong sakop ng Pilipinas. Pinatunayan natin sa China na hinding-hindi tayo susuko hanggang sa kahuli-hulihang segundo ng laban. Ang husay mo Paul Lee! Mabuhay ang Gilas Pilipinas! Puso!” [Applause]

“Ayon po sa survey ng SWS at Pulse Asia, mababa na raw ang aking mga grado. Hindi po ako nababahala. Mas mababa pa d’yan ang mga grado ko noon sa Ateneo.” [Applause]

“Sa ilalim din ng aking panunungkulan, idineklara ng Korte Suprema ang pork barrel o PDAF as illegal.” [Silence]

“Inuulit ko, idineklara ng Korte Suprema ang pork barrel as illegal. Ang hindi papalakpak, guilty.” [Applause]

1INC
“Kahapon, July 27, isinilang na ang pang-isandaang milyong Pilipino. Tama po ang narinig n’yo: umabot na sa 100 million ang mga Filipino. Sa mga pari at mga obispo, sana happy kayo!”

“Matagumpay po ang PNP sa paglaban nito sa kriminalidad at mga salot ng lipunan. Sa katunayan, kung dati ay naka-kotse ang mga kriminal, ngayon… naka-motorsiklo na lamang.” [Applause]

“Ipinagpatuloy din natin ang malawakang kampanya laban sa ipinagbabawal na droga. Sa mga kabataang nanonood ngayon, nais kong ipaalala sa inyo: walang buting maidudulot ang bawal na gamot! Itakwil n’yo ang droga kung gusto n’yong makatapos ng pag-aaral, makahanap ng trabaho, o maging National Artist in the future.” [Applause]

“Sa loob ng apat na taon kong panunungkulan, tunay ngang malaki na ang ipinagbago ng asal ng mga Pilipino. Iba na ang level of maturity nila ‘ika nga. Hindi na po ako lalayo. ‘Yong kapatid kong si Kris, kapag nakikipag-break dati sa lalaki, umiiyak ‘yan sa harap ng TV. Ngayon, wala nang luha, wala nang galit, wala nang pagbabanta. Mali si Ms Nora Aunor! May himala!” [Applause]

“Sa aking inaugural address, atin pong ipinangako: walang kurapsyon, walang manlalamang, walang wangwang. At dahil nakatutok ako sa paglilingkod sa inyo… walang love life! Maraming salamat po!” [Applause]
———————————————————————–
“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
~Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Sound Bites
“Sa lahat ng mga gumising sa nagtutulug-tulugan, sa mga nagmulat sa mga nagbubulag-bulagan, sa mga kumalampag sa mga nagbibingi-bingihan: SONA po ninyo ito.”
~President Aquino, SONA 2013

Have a safe weekend everyone!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, Gov.Ph,Philippine Daily Inquirer, Sen. Bam Aquino, Sovereign Independent Co.UK]

TWO-SENTENCE HORROR STORIES (PINOY VERSION)

BASED ON recent events in the Philippines, this list was inspired by the viral two-sentence horror stories that originally appeared on Reddit.

1GG
1: Justice Sec. Leila De Lima called an emergency press conference today. Benhur Luy has been missing for 48 hours.

2: The new vice president is about to take his oath of office. Joseph Estrada has never been this proud of his son, Jinggoy.

3: The Sandiganbayan was left with no choice but to allow the transfer of Gigi Reyes to St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig. BJMP-appointed doctors say she’s been in labor for three hours and the baby’s not breathing.

4: It’s already 2014. The country is still experiencing brownouts.

5: President Aquino tells government lawyers to no longer pursue the motion for reconsideration against SC’s DAP ruling. Secretary Coloma tells reporters it’s just a joke.

6: In his homily, the bishop talked about forgiveness, compassion, and giving people second chances. He’s the spiritual adviser of Janet Napoles.

7: The reporter is surrounded by sparkling diamonds, pearls, and luxury purses. It’s the annual SONA Red Carpet in Batasan Complex.

8: He entered the room and saw red, black, and blue. He panicked but it was too late to quit the brotherhood.

9: In the mock polls conducted Wednesday, Bongbong Marcos emerged as the students’ top pick for president. The mock election was held in Ateneo.

1mv
10: Bro. Mike Velarde and his wife celebrated their golden wedding anniversary at the El Shaddai House on Friday. Dozens of politicians were present.

11: It’s a rainy, rush hour Friday payday. You’re aboard a passenger bus and couldn’t hold your pee any longer.

12: I have been waiting to be served in the crowded SSS office for almost four hours. When it was already my turn, the staff announced a 90-minute lunch break.

13: The traffic lights are working. A traffic enforcer emerges from the police outpost and decides to direct the traffic himself.

14: You died but was given another chance to “live.” You were resurrected as Janet Napoles’s vagina.

15: Miguel has an 8AM meeting in Makati and it’s already 7:30. The sea of people at the MRT North Avenue station makes him dizzy.

16: Within minutes, the heavy and continuous rains submerged streets in the metro. Classes were then suspended and students were advised to go home.

17: After a long bus ride from work, the starving office employee slumped into a chair. It was only Monday.

18: Miss Universe candidates are expected to arrive next week. The pageant is being held in Ukraine.

19: Star Cinema has released an extended trailer of its latest project – a heavy drama. Playing the role of twins in the movie is Kris Aquino.

And finally…
20: There are more than seven billion people on Earth today. You’re still loveless.

Worst Airport
A septic tank at the NAIA Terminal 1 overflowed Saturday releasing foul smell and causing a minor flood at the departure area. Malacañang immediately issued a very short statement: Shit happens.

Emotional
Lawyer Gigi Reyes who arrived at the Sandiganbayan in handcuffs Friday reportedly cried during her arraignment. But the emotional moment became awkward when the justices and everyone else in the courtroom applauded and gave her a standing ovation.
————————————————————————————–
“We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones.”
~ Stephen King

1MH17
Sound Bites
“It is kind of the world’s biggest crime scene right now.”
~ Michael Bociurkiw, spokesman of the Organisation for Security and Cooperation in Europe describing the crash scene of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17

What have we become?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Malacañang, 620wtmj.com]

ILLICIT AFFAIRS, 2016 AND OTHER STORIES

WE’RE HALFWAY through 2014 and in keeping with this blog’s tradition, I compiled some of my favorite posts from the first six months of the year. In case you missed them…
1ts
Enrile’s Affairs
Cristina Enrile told Mareng Winnie Monsod that her husband, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile had 38 different affairs. Yup, 38! Or as Ramon Revilla Sr. would say, “Beginner.”

According to Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile, Cristina’s revelations were just “suspicions of a wife.” In the same interview, Cristina said Enrile was a womanizer but he was never a thief. Of course, that’s just a suspicion of a wife.

Upon her return, Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

For the first time in history, (three) senators have been indicted for plunder which is punishable by reclusion perpetua or life. And Senator Enrile was like, “Too late for that!”

Untitled2016
Bong Revilla was quoted to have said that in 2016 he would seek the presidency. The ‘presidency’ replied, “No, thanks.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says idiots should not be allowed to run for president. I say idiots who have gotten used to electing idiots should not be allowed to vote.

Liberal Party stalwart and DOTC Sec. Joseph Abaya confirmed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas would be the LP’s standard bearer in 2016. Partymates describe Roxas as a good choice. Political observers described the decision as a “no choice.”

Malacañang clarified that President Aquino has yet to choose the Liberal Party’s standard bearer for 2016. The President wants someone who is honest, decent, and ready to accept defeat.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has bolted the PDP-Laban and formed a new party. Reports say various political groups have expressed interest to join forces with the new political party – which was described by Mayor Junjun Binay as an umbrella organization.

Vice President Jejomar Binay and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas were among those who welcomed US President Barack Obama at the airport. Binay and Roxas got the surprise of their lives when Obama told them, “Two ambitious men standing before me but I have only one photo in my hand, and this photo represents the person who will still be in the running towards becoming the Philippines’ next top leader.” Obama did not reveal who his choice was.

Pulse Asia asked some 1,200 respondents, “Of the people in this list, whom would you vote for if the 2016 presidential elections were held today and they were candidates?” Vice President Binay got 40 percent. Sen. Grace Poe got 15 percent. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago got 10 percent. Sen. Francis Escudero got 9 percent and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas got upset.

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

1.1 oBAMAPresidents
The weather bureau has declared that summer has officially started. It’s the dry season. Or as President Aquino calls it, “My sex life.”

President Obama is in the Philippines for a two-day visit. He took a chopper to Malacañang where President Aquino was waiting. When the eagle landed, he was welcomed by the bald eagle.

Criminals
Senator Ralph Recto has proposed the creation of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts where photos of the most wanted felons could be posted. For Filipinos to know the identity of the country’s biggest criminals, they just have to visit those social media accounts. Option 2: visit Senate or Congress.

As expected, several lawmakers have denied the allegation of pork misuse – thus proving yet again the adage, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng congressman.”

napolesSick
Janet Lim-Napoles was emotional inside the courtroom last week. She begged that she be allowed to be confined and operated on because she’s experiencing unbearable pain. When she was rushed to the hospital though, doctors found nothing urgent and she was immediately discharged. They gave her painkillers and a congratulatory note that said “Nice try!”

Last week, an emotional Janet Lim-Napoles appealed that she be allowed to undergo medical examination at the posh St. Luke’s Medical Center saying, “Matagal ko nang tinitiis ang sakit. Maawa naman kayo.” The judge allowed a check up not at St. Luke’s though, but at the Ospital ng Makati where a series of tests revealed she was in a very stable condition. Doctors classified her disease as ‘choosy.’

In case the court allows it, suspected pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles will pay for her surgery. Her lawyer says she’ll use her own money not taxpayers’ money. What’s the difference?

Healing Priest
Newspaper reports revealed the alleged lavish lifestyle of popular “healing priest” Fernando Suarez. But Suarez has denied the allegation. The Inquirer reported that several bishops have shunned Suarez “because his healing ministry had turned out to be a moneymaking venture.” Apparently, the bishops hate competition.

1B
Flesh-Eating
#PrayForPangasinan became a top trending topic on Twitter for two days after ABS-CBN News reported something about a “mysterious flesh-eating disease” that was “slowly” spreading in the province. It turned out to be a hoax. It was not “flesh-eating.” It was not “mysterious.” It was not “spreading.” It was not well-researched.

When Bandila aired the controversial report last Monday, the news program even used the hashtag #MisteryosongSakitSaBandila. The “misteryosong sakit” was later identified as sloppy reporting.

Punished
In Tanauan City, Batangas… a man who stole dried fish was publicly shamed by the mayor by making him walk, hands tied behind him, through the city streets with the sign, “Ako ay magnanakaw.” The remorseful man begged for compassion and forgiveness so the mayor agreed to change the sign to “Ako ay senador.”

1d
Entertainment
Divergent opened in theaters last March 19. In the movie, citizens of a futuristic society are divided into five factions based on their personalities: Abnegation (selfless); Amity (kind); Candor (honest); Erudite (intelligent), and Thieves (lawmakers).

Opening soon in theaters is the Biblical epic ‘Noah’ starring Russell Crowe. It tells the story of a man who gets a warning that a bad weather is coming so he must prepare. He is told to lead by example. He did! And his people were saved. Tacloban Mayor Alfred Romualdez can learn a lot from this movie.

Still showing right now is ‘300: Rise of an Empire.” It tells the story of a massive force attempting to expand its dominion by invading lands and nations. The movie’s working title was ‘China.’

Colorado-based pastor Kevin Swanson says Academy Award-winning movie ‘Frozen’ is “evil” and will turn kids gay. He believes that the character Elsa could be homosexual since she chose to remain single. President Aquino is offended.

At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.

1cap
A day after it was reported that a drunk Anne Curtis humiliated Sam Concepcion in a party, the Dyesebel star was stung by a jellyfish. ABS-CBN posted photos of Anne in a hospital bed. This morning, the jellyfish issued a statement denying participation in damage control.

Anne Curtis was reportedly stung by a jellyfish. The TV host/actress is now ok but the jellyfish has died of alcohol poisoning.

Anne Curtis’s boyfriend, Erwan Heussaff lashed back at netizens who have been posting “jellyfish jokes.” Erwan called them “idiots” and “judgmental asses.” What a supportive bf! Anne must be so proud of him. Let’s drink to that!

Moral of the Story: Don’t drink and Anne.

1dOverseas
In Nicaragua… A court has decided to try three men accused of attempting to steal two bananas valued at 32 cents. People from around the world were shocked when they heard the news – Nicaraguans steal bananas and they get to be tried in court while Filipinos steal millions and they get to deliver privilege speeches.

Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta has signed a law that allows men to marry as many women as they want. When Bong Revilla heard this, he said, “Paano pumunta sa Kenya?”
————————————————————————————–
“Politicians as a class are dangerous. People who are seeking power over us are not, by definition, our friends.”
~James Bovard

Sound Bites
“The President has every right to do this if the nominee is undeserving. But Nora Aunor deserves the award and by denying her this honor, the President displays his incapacity to appreciate excellence.”
~F. Sionil Jose

Have a good weekend and an even better month of July!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, GMA News]

THICK-FACED

1bb
THE NEW LEADER of al-Qaeda, Egyptian Ayman al-Zawahiri is the world’s most wanted man today. In the Philippines, the most wanted list includes retired Gen. Jovito Palparan; former Palawan Gov. Joel Reyes and his brother, Mario; former congressman Ruben Ecleo, and Bong Revilla’s speechwriter.

According to Bong Revilla, he had actually prepared two speeches last week: one attacking the Aquino administration and another calling for unity. He chose the second, and he succeeded. Everyone was united in mocking him.

Bong Revilla revealed that he had prepared two speeches last week. Yes, he did prepare two: one attacking the administration, and another attacking our sensibilities.

1tsIncompetent
On Independence Day, President Aquino, without naming names, took a swipe at incompetent singers, dancers, and actors in politics. The next day Bong Revilla reacted. Confirmed.

Tagle’s Take
Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle says government officials who steal public funds are “thick-faced” and “insensitive.” In a joint statement, lawmakers insisted, “We’re not thick-faced and we’re not insensitive.”

Heckler
During the Independence Day celebration in Naga City, President Aquino was speaking when a 19-year-old leftist student from Ateneo De Naga interrupted him. The President felt so strange because whenever someone interrupts him, it’s usually Kris Aquino.

Reprimanded
An infuriated North Korean leader Kim Jong Un personally reprimanded his country’s weathermen for their failure to predict the weather. Kim Jong Un’s action was lauded by his top aides, his bodyguards, and President Aquino.

1MCAnti-Loneliness
Have you heard about Japan’s anti-loneliness café? According to CNN, the Moomin House Cafe seats solo diners with stuffed animal companions called ‘Moomins.’ The ‘anti-loneliness’ concept was such a hit, it will soon be adapted by other cities, countries, and Malacañang.1RRFather’s Day
June 15 was Father’s Day. It was a tiring day for Ramon Revilla Sr. who had to open 72 gifts.

Best-Seller
John Green’s novel, ‘The Fault In Our Stars,’ which was recently made into a movie, is a certified best-seller even in the Philippines mainly because of its relatable plot. ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ tells the story of an actor who wanted to augment his income by joining politics.

1VVWorld Cup
The FIFA World Cup opened earlier this week. Vuvuzelas are selling like hotcakes again. In case you didn’t know, vuvuzelas are plastic and produce a loud, annoying sound. That explains its more popular name: mother-in-law.

1IMSeparated?
Former presidential daughter Jackie Ejercito and businessman Beaver Lopez have reportedly called it quits. Tabloid reports say Jackie is having an affair with Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno. The vice mayor has denied the allegation saying, “May asawa na ako.” To which, Bong Revilla reacted, “Eh ano naman?!”

NBA Champs
The San Antonio Spurs claimed the 2014 NBA championship with a masterful win over the Miami Heat, 104-87 in Game 5. As expected, LeBron James is being criticized on social media. When asked for comment, he replied, “Sorry sa mga netizens na na nagalit, pero ang performance ko ay para talaga sa masa at sa mahigit dalawampung milyong fans na naniniwala sa akin.”

1aa
After the humiliating loss, LeBron lambasted his teammates on Twitter, and said, ““Dati rati kinakatakutan ang team na ‘to at iniilagan pero ngayon lahat ng team gusto kami ang kalaban kasi mga tamad and sobrang lambot. Let me tell you guys: kahit si Phil Jackson pa ang mag-coach sa ganitong team, hindi pa rin mananalo sa finals. Walang mga puso kung maglaro. Wala! Wala! Wala!”

The Miami Heat’s quest for a three-peat has ended. Winter has come. Game of Dethroned.

Just Married
Veteran actress Boots Anson-Roa and lawyer King Rodrigo got married last Saturday, June 14. She is 69 and he is 75. What’s your excuse?
—————————————————————————
“I would rather be a little nobody than to be an evil somebody.”
~Abraham Lincoln

“Papaano tayo makakatakbo kung nakakulong tayo? Pero malay mo, for the first time nakakulong pero nanalo pa.”
~Bong Revilla on running for president in 2016

Elsewhere
Gina Apostol: Listening to Bong Revilla is worse than cancer
Randy David: The unbearable privilege of pettiness

Just So You Know

1DEPED

Have a productive week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate, Clip Art, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star]

THE SINGING B (ANAK NG TETENG II)

Untitled2
BONG REVILLA delivered a privilege speech on Monday, June 9. After the speech, his fellow senators took turns congratulating him for the successful launch of his recording career.

Bong Revilla ended his privilege speech with a song – an original composition, in a music video presentation… prompting the Ombudsman to file additional charges against him for offending the public’s sensibilities.

The privilege speech of Bong Revilla on Monday was short. But he surprised everyone when he ended it with a song, an original composition. While the song was being played, shocked netizens kept asking, “What the fuck was he thinking?” He wasn’t.

On Monday, Bong Revilla delivered another privilege speech. This time, he was calm. And “composed.”

Bong Revilla thanked Senate President Franklin Drilon and expressed confidence that under his leadership, the Senate will successfully rebuild itself as an institution. And then he broke into a song. Talk about rebuilding!

1JB
According to Bong Revilla, President Aquino’s remaining two years in office must focus on addressing the needs of the Filipino people. He also advised Aquino to “lead the country not with hatred but with love.” The President’s spokespersons refuse to be upstaged so Abigail Valte, Sonny Coloma and Edwin Lacierda will answer Bong’s concerns while pole dancing.

On Monday, Bong Revilla sang an original composition titled Salamat, Kaibigan. Unfortunately, he failed to turn the judges’ chairs.

Saying mudslinging must stop, Bong Revilla stated, “Adhikain ko po na sana mula ngayon, wala nang dilaw, wala nang orange, wala nang berde, wala nang asul, wala nang pula.” That’s yellow, orange, green, blue, and red only. Did he just endorse Binay?

A confident Revilla said, “Magkakaroon din ng tunay na hustisya… sa naaayong panahon.” And Vice President Binay was like, “I’m not making any promises huh.”

After giving President Aquino a lecture, Bong Revilla bared his own “list.” Topping the list was God. He said God would never abandon him. In a statement, God denounced the ‘shameless namedropping.’

The embattled senator thanked everyone – senators, politicians, friends, movie fans, and loyal supporters who had helped him, one way or another. Janet Napoles resented the apparent snub.

Bong Revilla also expressed his gratitude to some 20 million Filipinos who voted him into office. I hope you’ve learned your lesson guys.

Untitled
Bong Revilla, one of the senators charged with plunder delivered a privilege speech Monday. That’s what the reports said: a privilege speech although it sounded more like a premonition.

The Lakas Party member also thanked Lakas stalwart and former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo for being his “mentor.” No wonder.

Addressing Sen. Sonny Angara, the actor-politician said, “I look up to your father.” And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “I know, right?”

The family, friends, and staff of Bong Revilla were all present at the Senate gallery. There’s no truth to nasty rumors that their seats were labeled, ‘This is where your taxes go.’

Bong Revilla’s speech was 14-page long, typed, double-spaced on 8 1/2-by-11-inch bond paper. The font used was Comic Sans.

After the emotional and highly-anticipated privilege speech, Bong Revilla felt good. But Butch Abad felt better.

Krissy
Reacting to Bong Revilla’s criticism of his brother, Kris Aquino said, “Silence is better than BS (bullshit).” And Bong was like, “Is that for me o ‘note to self?’

11Anti-Corrupt
A group calling itself ‘Samahan ng Kontra Korap’ has expressed its support for Bong Revilla. Members of ‘Kontra Korap’ claim they do not know Bong personally. Also, they do not know the meaning of ‘irony.’

CBCP’s Call
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines urged Filipinos not to condemn pork barrel thieves. Quoting a verse from the Bible, CBCP President Socrates Villegas said, “Who are we to condemn? Let the one who has no sin be the first to cast a stone.” To which God replied, “Ewan ko sa ‘yo!”

CBCP President Socrates Villegas said Filipinos must not condemn people who stole taxpayers’ money. Coming from someone who doesn’t pay taxes, that’s totally understandable.
————————————————————————————
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
~Voltaire

1212Sound Bites
“Tama na po ang awayan, tigilan na ang pulitika ng paghihiwalay. Tama na ang pambebengga.”
~Bong Revilla, June 9, 2014. Senate.

‘k.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Rappler, SolarTVNews’ Tricia De Leon]

LEAKED: THE PRIVILEGE SPEECH 2

ON MONDAY, Bong Revilla is scheduled to deliver yet another privilege speech. Last night, alleged portions of the speech were leaked online. Here are some excerpts from the original draft.

00
12: “Unang-una, gusto kong magpahayag ng suporta sa One Direction at sa kanilang mga fans. Sa One Directioners, tulungan n’yong mag-trend ang speech ko ngayong hapon. Please lang.”

11: “Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin kay Ms Rosa Rosal dahil ang tema ng aking talumpati ay hango sa pamagat ng kanyang programa – Damayan. Makukulong din lang ako, eh ‘di damay-damay na.”

10: “Sana’y nanonood ngayong hapon sina Budget Sec. Butch Abad at Agriculture Sec. Proceso Alcala. Kayo ang bida rito.”

9: “Mas pinili kong magsalita kaysa manahimik ngayong hapon dahil malamang sa hindi, ito na ang aking huling privilege speech. Mami-miss ko ‘to, promise.”

8: “Nang magtalumpati ako noong Enero, nabanggit ko ang linyang, ‘Anak ng teteng!’ Ang tanong sa akin ng ilang taong nakasalubong ko, ‘Ano ba ang etymology ng word na ‘teteng?’ Ang sagot ko sa kanila, ‘Ano ba ang etymology?’ Boom peyns!”

23
7: “Hindi ako natatakot makulong dahil entitled naman ako sa conjugal visits. Si Ricardo Camata nga, convicted na pero nadalaw pa rin ng starlets at dancers; ako pa kaya?!”

6: “Noong Holy Week, nagtungo po ako sa Holy Land. Humingi ako ng sign kay God. Sabi ko, “Lord, kung talagang mahal mo ako, hindi mo ako pababayaan. Hindi mo ako hahayaang makulong. Give me a sign Lord! Minutes later, nakasalubong ko do’n si Hayden Kho at nagkabati kami. ‘Yon yata ang sign. Ang pangit.”

5: “Inuulit ko: hindi ako masamang tao, hindi ako magnanakaw, hindi ako mandarambong, at hindi ako sure kung maniniwala kayo! I don’t care.”

4: “Wala pong katotohanan ang sinulat ng isang tabloid columnist na papalitan ang pamagat ng aking programa sa telebisyon at tatawaging ‘Handcuffs Amazing Stories.’ Paninira lang po ‘yan.”

3: “Naniniwala po akong habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Kung natalo ka sa umpisa, may pagkakataon ka pang bumawi. So ito lang ang masasabi ko: Go LeBron! Go Heat!”

janet 1
2: “Masyado na pong namemersonal ang aking mga kalaban. Kung ‘yong asawa ko nga raw, nagawa kong lokohin, eh ‘yon pa kayang taumbayan na ‘di ko kaanu-ano? May point. Actually. Pero ayaw ko na silang patulan.”

1: “Sa nauna kong privilege speech… nabanggit kong I have been demonized in the media. Nakakalungkot po; nakakalungkot po dahil pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng talumpati kong ‘yon ay nag-text po ang demonyo sa akin. Ang sabi: huwag ko raw ikumpara ang sarili ko sa kanya. ‘T*ng-ina! Ang hard.”
————————————————————————————
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman

00Sound Bites
“Arresting and detaining the three senators make up only the formal start of the quest to exact justice and accountability for the plunder of taxpayer money. The pork barrel scam was a P10-billion operation that involved hundreds, perhaps thousands, of individuals.”
~’Triple Whammy’ – Editorial, Philippine Daily Inquirer, 06/07/2014

Poll Results
Offensive ba ang Hong Kong textbook na naglarawan sa mga Filipino bilang domestic helper?

-Hindi, pero ramdam mong may malisya. Alam mo na! Hong Kong ‘yan. 50.31%
-Yes. 36.65%
-No. 13.04%

Let the Filipino taxpayers’ quest for justice begin! Justice for all!
Next batch please!

[Photos: Newsflash.Org, Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer]