SENATOR DE LIMA GRILLED!

29 08 2016

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THE HOUSE of Representatives is conducting a congressional inquiry into the proliferation of illegal drugs at the New Bilibid Prison. President Duterte’s allies in Congress wanted to grill Sen. Leila De Lima but the feisty senator has rejected their invitation calling it Duterte’s “kangaroo court.”

This morning, a list of questions purportedly drafted by Congress’s super-majority, specifically for De Lima, leaked online. Take a look!

* * * * *

Thank you for accepting our invitation Madam Senator. Hindi na po kami magpapaliguy-ligoy pa.

1: Ilang taon ka nang unang magka-boyfriend?
Follow up:
Smoker ba ang first boyfriend mo?
Sinubukan ba nitong mag-drugs?
Kung oo, inalok ka ba nito?
Kung oo, tinikman mo ba?
Kung oo, nasarapan ka ba?
Kung oo, inulit mo ba?
Kung oo, na-addict ka ba?
Kung oo, nagpa-rehab ka ba?
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

2: Ilang taon ka nang ma-devirginize?
Follow up:
Boyfriend mo ba ang nakauna sa ‘yo?
Kung oo, pinilit ka ba?
Kung hindi, ikaw ba ang nagyaya?
Kung oo, napilitan lang ba siya?
Kung oo, masama kang babae. Period.

3: Ano ang civil status mo ngayon?
Follow up:
May natanggap kaming report na “It’s Complicated” ang inilagay mong relationship status sa Facebook recently. Binago mo ito pero nakakuha kami ng screen cap ng original status. Pakipaliwanag kung bakit “It’s Complicated.”

4: What is love? Define legally.
Follow up:
Naniniwala ka ba sa forever?
Kung hindi… kami rin.
Kung oo, naka-droga ka ba?
Kung oo, masama kang tao. Period.

5: Sino si Ronnie Dayan sa buhay mo?
Follow up:
Naging “kayo” ba ni Ronnie?
Ano ang theme song n’yo?
Ano ang tawagan n’yo sa isa’t isa: beh o babe?
Kung beh, ano kayo, millennials? ‘Di na kayo nahiya!?!
Hiwalay ka na ba sa asawa mo nang maging “kayo?”
Kung oo, hiwalay na ba siya sa misis niya nang maging “kayo?”
Kung hindi, masama kang babae. Period.

6: Isinasama mo ba si Ronnie Dayan kapag nagsasagawa ka ng inspection sa Bilibid?
Follow up:
Alam mo bang kilala ni Ronnie Dayan ang ilang high profile inmates?
Alam mo rin bang may contact siya sa mga ito?
Alam mo bang tumatanggap siya ng pera mula sa nakakulong na drug lords?
‘Yan ang sabi ng aming binayarang nahagilap na witnesses!
Kung alam mong lahat ‘yan at wala kang ginawa, masama kang babae! Period.
Kung hindi mo naman alam, anong klase kang girlfriend? Hindi mo iniisip ang seguridad ng iyong partner!
Masama ka pa ring babae. Period!

7: Sino si Warren Cristobal at bakit nali-link ka sa kanya?
Follow up:
Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Ronnie Dayan nang malaman niyang kinuha mong security detail si Warren Cristobal?
Nagselos ba siya?
Kung oo, may dapat ba siyang ipagselos?
Kung oo, two-timer!
Masama kang babae. Period.

8: Lagi mong sinasabi, napakahalaga ng human rights. May nagsasabi pang kesyo this government is committing “crime against humanity.” Pero ang tanong nga ni Pangulong Duterte, isipin mo ang mga drug addicts. Are they humans?
Follow up:
Kung ipapagahasa ka namin ngayon sa isang drug addict, ipaglalaban mo pa rin ba ang human rights niya?
Kung hindi, ipokrito ka!
Kung oo, wala ka na talaga sa tamang pag-iisip. Nasa panig ka ng mga kriminal.
Masama kang babae. Period.

9: May we direct your attention to the projected matrix on the wall. Patutunayan ng matrix na ito ang mga sumusunod:
Tuloy ang “bond” sa pagitan n’yo ni Ronnie Dayan.
May kuneksyon si Ronnie Dayan sa isang drug lord.
Ikaw, si Ronnie Dayan at ang isang drug lord ay iisa ang type na palabas.
Isa kang cougar.

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Closing:
Madam Senator, kung iyong mapapansin, napakapatas ng ginagawa naming pagdinig. Hindi kami nanghuhusga. Nais lang naming bigyan ka ng pagkakataong makapagpaliwanag.

Sabi ni Mark Twain, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Madam Senator, sa bawat tanong, malaya kang makapagbibigay ng pahayag — in 140 characters or less. Kung hindi mo magagawa ‘yan, ibig sabihin, hindi ka nagsasabi ng totoo. Guilty ka sa mga ibinibintang sa ‘yo. Therefore, masama kang babae. Period.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“To a misogynist: To err is woman.”
~Mokokoma Mokhonoana, philosopher, social critic

Sound Bites
“Kilala n’yo naman ang mga drug lord dito. Puntahan n’yo ang bahay, buhusan n’yo ng gasolina, sigaan ninyo. Ipakita n’yong galit kayo sa kanila. Kilala niyo sino ang drug lord dito. Gusto niyong patayin? Patayin niyo. Pwede kayong pumatay dahil kayo ang biktima.”
~PNP Chief Ronald ‘Bato’ dela Rosa who apologized for making the statement

“The House conducting this inquiry to try me before false witnesses is not democracy. The House conducting this inquiry is Duterte’s kangaroo court conducting the Salem witch trials and burning me at the stake.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima

Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.net]





UNITED NATION OF IDIOTS

23 08 2016

United-Nations-logo
PRESIDENT RODRIGO Duterte has threatened to leave the United Nations. Last week, UN experts expressed concern over the spate of alleged extrajudicial killings in the country triggered by the government’s anti-illegal drugs campaign.

But an angry Duterte replied, “Maybe we’ll just have to decide to separate from the United Nations. Eh ‘di kung ganyan kayo ka-bastos, putang ina, eh, umalis na ako d’yan sa inyo. Where were you here the last time? Never. Except to criticize. When have you done a good deed to my country?”

Today, the United Nations reacted to the President’s statement.

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From Rio to Tokyo
The Rio Olympics concluded over the weekend. The next Summer Olympics will be held in 2020 in Tokyo. The Philippines hopes to perform better in the next Summer Games unless of course President Duterte decides to withdraw our membership from the International Olympic Committee.

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During the #Rio2016 closing ceremonies, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe came out of a giant pipe as Super Mario – a Nintendo character popularized by the Japanese. In next year’s Miss Universe pageant in Manila, President Duterte will come out of a shanty as a “nanlalabang suspek.”

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Idiots
According to President Duterte, some 3.7 million idiots – mostly shabu users – run loose in communities. To be fair though, the number of idiots who uses shabu is much lower than the number of idiots who uses social media.

No Comment
Sen. Leila De Lima has refused to talk about her alleged romantic involvement with her former bodyguard-driver, Ronnie Dayan. The feisty senator declines to answer questions about the status of their “relationship” although recently, she has told some reporters she’s watching the upcoming movie, ‘Camp Sawi.’

Suspended
Sen. JV Ejercito, who is facing graft and technical malversation charges for the alleged misuse of calamity funds when he was still mayor of San Juan City, has been suspended for 90 days by the Sandiganbayan. The suspension has been described as a ‘partial victory’ by taxpayers, anti-graft crusaders, and Jinggoy Estrada.

Funniest
The acting DILG secretary has come up with a list of local government officials who will receive citation for their anti-illegal drugs campaign. Some find the inclusion of Politician No. 1 funny although Politician No. 8 is by far the “funniest.”

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Moral of the Story: Read carefully before you sign anything.
________________________________________________________________________________
“Flirting with madness was one thing; when madness started flirting back, it was time to call the whole thing off.”
~Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

Climate Change
Reporter: Sir, ano pong paghahanda ang gagawin ng pamahalaan? Mas malalakas daw ang paparating na bagyo dahil sa La Niña. Sa sobrang init kasi, natunaw na ang mga yelo sa Antarctica!

Duterte: Eh bastos ang putang inang araw na ‘yan eh! When have you done a good deed to my country? Never. Except to bring El Niño and skin cancer. Umalis na lang tayo sa Solar System!”

Sound Bites
“I can assure you that he remains committed to the United Nations, of which the Philippines is one of the founding members, and to the purposes and objectives that this august body stands for.”
~DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr., one of President Duterte’s interpreters

Love will keep us alive.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: United Nation: UN; DILG List: @xtinamen; PM Shinzo Abe: Getty Images]





LEAKED: DUTERTE’S 1ST SONA (EXCLUSIVE)

22 07 2016

A DRAFT of President Rodrigo Duterte’s First State of the Nation Address was sent to this blogger. Here are [unedited] excerpts of the speech. Exclusive!

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State of the Nation Address
of
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives, Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 28, 2016]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Aquilino ‘Koko’ Pimentel III, Vice President Leni Robredo, Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo… (BOISTEROUS APPLAUSE)

Ma’am, puwede po bang tumayo kayo? Na-miss yata kayo ng inyong mga kasamahan dito sa Kongreso. (MORE APPLAUSE)

[Shobra ka naman Digong. Nakatayo na ako.] (CANNED LAUGHTER)

Palakpakan po ulit natin, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo! (APPLAUSE)

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; fellow workers in government,

Mga minamahal kong kababayan…

Change has come. (5-MINUTE APPLAUSE, STANDING OVATION)

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Magsasalita ba ako o papalakpak na lang kayo maghapon? (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Before I continue, gusto ko munang batiin si former president Noynoy Aquino na nanonood sa Times Street. Noy, huwag kang mag-alala ngayong hapon. Hindi ko sisisihin ang iyong administrasyon. (APPLAUSE)

As I have promised, hindi ko na hahabaan ang aking speech. Napakahalaga ng bawat segundo sa akin. Inaamin ko, ako ang nag-utos na tigilan na ang taunang fashion show sa red carpet sa labas. Sinasayang nito ang ating oras. (APPLAUSE)

Tingnan n’yo ang inyong mga sarili ngayong hapon. Napakaayos. Mukha kayong public servants na nag-oopisina. Samantalang dati kapag SONA, para kayong shoppers sa isang SM boutique – ang KULTURA. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kamakailan ay naipanalo natin ang arbitration case laban sa China. (APPLAUSE) Ang sabi ng Beijing noong isang linggo, “Sige, usap tayo. Pero i-disregard n’yo muna ang hatol.” Ulol! (APPLAUSE)

May natatanggap na batikos si DFA Sec. Perfecto Yasay Jr. nitong mga nakaraang araw. Pero ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa inyo… hinding-hindi natin isusuko ang claim sa pinag-aagawang mga isla! (APPLAUSE) At lalo namang hindi natin uurungan ang China! (STANDING OVATION)

* * * * *

Noong Biyernes sa isang drug raid sa Valenzuela, napatay natin ang big time Chinese drug lord na si Meco Tan. China: 0, Philippines: 1. (APPLAUSE)

PULIS
Noong kampanya, kung natatandaan n’yo, I promised to kill five criminals PER WEEK para maresolba ang problema sa peace and order! Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin at hindi ko natupad ang aking pangako. Dahil sa latest data ng PNP, mula nang ako ay maupo, ang napapatay PER DAY ay sampu! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)

Sabi nila, ‘Justice delayed is justice denied.’ Sang-ayon ako d’yan! Kaya’t mabilis ang pagkilos ng ating kapulisan. Wala nang Mira-Miranda rights sa hulihan! Diretso agad sa kulungan! ‘Wag ka lang manlalaban or else… condolence na lang! (APPLAUSE)

Marami ang nagsasabi, pinapatay ng kapulisan ang mga pusher at addict. Hindi raw nabibigyan ng pagkakataong ma-reform ang mga nalulong sa drugs. Liar! Hindi ba’t binigyan ko ng second chance si Ka Freddie Aguilar? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Matapos ang eleksyon, nanawagan akong simulan ang healing sa buong bansa. Anuman ang naging kasalanan, dapat nang magkapatawaran. Nakinig naman ang Korte Suprema sa aking panawagan. Ayun… si GMA, pinakawalan. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Noong isang linggo, nag-crack ang aspalto sa runway ng NAIA. Napamura ako. Sabi ko, “Pati ba naman runway nagdo-droga? Nagka-‘crack’ eh.” (NO REACTION)

Joke ‘yun. ‘Tang ina n’yo, tumawa kayo! (CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE)

Nang mag-crack ang NAIA runway, maraming pasahero ang naperwisyo. Maraming flights ang na-delay. Kaagad nag-sorry si Secretary Arthur Tugade. Meron ba kaming ibang sinisi? Wala. Baka sabihin naman ni Noynoy, wala kaming originality. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Natutuwa rin ako dahil last week sa Pampanga… halos limampung miyembro ng New People’s Army ang nagsisuko. Bakit pa nga naman sila lalaban sa gobyerno kung mga kaalyado na nila ang nakaupo? (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Nalulungkot ako kapag may mga kababayan tayong umaalis at iniiwan ang kanilang mga mahal sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko, gagawa kami ng paraan upang sa susunod na mga taon ay wala nang umalis. Wala nang mang-iiwan. Maraming salamat nga pala sa tulong ng Sandiganbayan. Naglabas ito ng hold departure order laban sa mag-amang Binay! Walang aalis! Walang mang-iiwan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Humahanga tayo sa mga Pilipinong doble ang pagsisikap upang umunlad ang kanilang pamumuhay. Hindi sila nakukuntento sa iisang trabaho. Nasa Senado na, magboboksing pa. Manny Pacquiao, mabuhay ka! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Baka sabihin n’yo puro masasamang balita ang lumalabas tungkol sa bansa: droga, shootout, extrajudicial killings. Pwes, pagandahin natin! Ngayong darating na 2017, ang Miss Universe pageant dito gaganapin! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Ayaw ko namang magyabang pero mula nang kami ay maupo, hindi pa nasisira ang MRT o LRT. Wala pa naman kaming ginagawang bago. Divine intervention siguro ‘yan. Dasal lang talaga, dasal lang. (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Kahapon, may nabasa ako sa Internet. Bakit daw ang lagi lang nilang nakikita sa balita: “Pusher ako, ‘wag tularan.” Bakit daw walang, “Corrupt ako, ‘wag tularan!” Napaisip ako. May point nga naman. So, bakit ‘di natin sampolan? Sa hapong ito… bibigyan ko ng pagkakataong sumuko ang mga corrupt na nasa Batasan. Huwag n’yong hintaying tawagin ko ang inyong mga pangalan. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng aking speech, lahat ng corrupt, maiiwan! (NO REACTION)

‘Tang ina n’yo! Palakpak naman d’yan! (APPLAUSE)

* * * * *

Bago ako tuluyang magtapos, maraming salamat nga pala sa 91 percent na nagtitiwala sa akin at nagmamahal. Sa 9 percent na ‘di nagtitiwala, wala akong pakialam sa inyo mga Liberal! (APPLAUSE)

Hangang dito na lamang at Mabuhay ang Pilipinas! (APPLAUSE/STANDING OVATION)
————————————————————————————————————————————-
“Some things you don’t have to promise. You just do.”
~Rick Yancey, The 5th Wave

Sound Bites
“I denounce in the highest possible terms this latest demolition job linking me to maximum security inmate Jaybee Sebastian or to any other convicted or suspected drug lord or operator now or in the past. May I suggest for Calida to stop his fixation on ‘Throwback Thursday’ photos of me, and instead just start doing his real job of reading the 501-page decision on the West Philippine Sea case.”
~Sen. Leila De Lima on the latest demolition job against her

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Duterte: Philstar.com; Victim: DZMM Teleradyo]





LAGLAGAN NA!

23 04 2016

1d30
Duterte and Endorsements
Duterte: O, inendorso raw ako ni Pope Francis.

Supporter: Joke lang ‘yon sir. Kami lang ang nagpakalat n’yan.

Duterte: O, inendorso raw ako nina Liza Soberano at Andi Eigenmann.

Supporter: Sorry sir, joke lang. Kami lang din ang nagpakalat n’yan.

Duterte: Eh ‘yong Singapore government, inendorso rin daw ako.

Supporter: Pati ‘yan sir, joke lang.

Duterte: Put*ng-ina! Puro kayo joke, joke, joke! Saan n’yo na ba natutunan ‘yan?!?

Supporter:

Duterte: Tangnamu! Alam ko ang iniisip mo! Gago!

Duterte and Diplomacy
Supporter: Sir, nagalit ang Australia sa rape joke n’yo!

Duterte: Pwes, puputulin ko ang ugnayan sa Australia!

Supporter: Sir, nagalit din ang USA sa rape joke n’yo!

Duterte: Puputulin ko ang ugnayan sa Amerika!

Supporter: Sir, nagalit ang mga kababaihan sa rape joke n’yo!

Duterte: Puputulin ko ang ugnayan sa mga babae!

Supporter:

Duterte: Joooooke! Babae ‘yan ‘no! Sayang. Dapat mauna ang mayor.

Psych Tests
VP Binay: Siraulo ka! ‘Yan ang laman ng psychological test mo!!!!!!

Duterte: Itinanggi ko ba? Gago. Pag ikaw ang nag-psych test, makikita dun, magnanakaw ka.

VP Binay: Tanga. Hindi makikita dun kung magnanakaw ako.

Duterte: Eh saan?

VP Binay: Sa dummy bank accounts.

Duterte:

VP Binay: Jooooke! Akala mo ikaw lang ang marunong mag-joke? Wala akong dummy accounts ‘no! At lalong hindi ako nagnakaw!

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Kris Aquino and the Chopper
Reporter: Sir, binabatikos si Kris ngayon dahil sa pagsakay sa presidential chopper patungo sa kampanya ng LP. Pag-abuso daw ‘yun sa government resources.

President Aquino: Well, isa siya sa may pinakamalaking binayarang buwis sa government.

Reporter: ‘Yan talaga Sir ang reply n’yo? Na malaki ang binabayaran n’yang buwis kaya ok lang? Anong lohika ‘yan? Bakit ganyan kayo mag-isip? Sino bang adviser n’yo? Lagi na lang bang ganyan ang klase ng inyong pangangatwiran? Ano bang uri ng lider kayo?

President Aquino:

Reporter: Noted Sir.

Kris Aquino and the Chopper II
Kris: I hate them na. They’re saying we’re making abuso the resources of government.

President Aquino: ‘Wag mo na lang kasing pansinin.

Kris: But they’re right naman ‘di ba? Part ng government resources ang chopper.

President Aquino:

Kris: Fine. I’ll ignore them na lang!

Kris Aquino and the Chopper III
Kris: Grabehhh. They’re making batikos me na. Ayaw akong tigilan. Hurt ako. Defend me naman o!

President Aquino: Ayaw mo ba no’n? Nasa ‘yo ang atensyon ng tao.

Kris:

President Aquino: Heto na nga, magsasalita na!

Kris Aquino and the Chopper IV
Bongbong Marcos: Maling gamitin ang resources ng gobyerno katulad ng presidential chopper sa pansariling interes.

Kris: Nakakaloka! Of all people, ikaw pa talaga?! IKAW PA TALAGA?!

Bongbong: But it’s true.

Kris: Eh anong tawag sa ginawa ng pamilya mo sa resources ng gobyerno noong term ng ama mo?

Bongbong: Those were government resources, yes. Pero back then, we practically owned everything in the Philippines including the government. So, amin lahat ‘yun.

Kris:

Bongbong: But it’s true!

Laglagan
VP Binay: Totoo bang iiwan mo na ako?

Jonvic Remulla: Gusto ko lang magpahinga muna sa kampanya. I’m tired.

Binay: Ang tsismis, ilalaglag mo na raw ako at lilipat ka sa bago mong idol – si Duterte?

Remulla: Bagong idol? Wala kayong pruweba! Putang-i*a!!!

Binay:

Remulla: Ooops. Buking.

1joey
Laglagan II
Governor Salceda: Mr. President, hindi ko na kayang suportahan si Mar! Lilipat na ako kay Grace Poe!

President Aquino: Eh ‘di lumipat ka! Ganyan ka naman talaga ‘di ba? Kung kailan lugmok ang kapartido, saka ka mang-iiwan! Kung kailan mahina sa survey, saka mo ilalaglag. Ganyang-ganyan din ang ginawa mo kay Gilbert Teodoro noong 2010 ‘di ba?! Matapos mong i-endorso, inabandona mo!

Salceda: Eh sa LP naman ako lumipat noon ‘di ba! Gaga!

President Aquino:

Salceda: Sorry sir. Expression lang ‘yon. It doesn’t mean anything. ‘Wag judgmental.

Laglagan II
Governor Salceda: Mr. President…

President Aquino: I know. Mababa si Mar sa survey at mas may chance manalo si Grace Poe kaya lilipat ka sa kanya. Magre-resign ka sa party. Pero grateful ka pa rin sa pagkakataong ibinigay ko sa ‘yo na maglingkod sa pamahalaan bilang member ng LP. At kahit ano pang mangyari, hinding-hindi maaapektuhan ng pulitika ang ating pagkakaibigan.

Salceda: Alam mo na pala eh! Eh ‘di sige, ikaw na! Tapusin mo na! Go! Ikaw na rin ang mag-resign sa partido at ikaw na rin ang lumipat kay Grace Poe! Go ahead! GOOOO!

President Aquino:

Salceda: ‘Wag kasing ganun Sir. Hate ko ‘yong pini-preempt ako eh.
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“You have to quit confusing a madness with a mission.”
~Flannery O’Connor, The Violent Bear it Away

Sound Bites
“Iyong isa doon, classmate ko pa. Eh na-stroke, paganoon-ganoon (mimics). Gusto ko sabihin, ‘Pakamatay ka na lang.’”
~Mayor Duterte on a disabled classmate

“Hindi ko rin nakita kung ano ‘yung pinuna nila. Tanong ko lang: siguro batid naman ng lahat na isa siya sa pinakamalaking individual taxpayer.”
~President Aquino on criticisms being hurled at Kris Aquino

“The bottomline, ‘pag nand’yan sa internet, nandyan na ‘yan forever o kung may nag-download, at marami nang nag-download malamang, kalat na ‘yan sa internet. There’s no way you can put the (proverbial) toothpaste back into the tube.”
~Engr. Pierre Galla, Democracy.net.ph. on the Comelec voters’ data leak

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Philstar.com; Kris Aquino: Municipality of Dalaguete; Joey Salceda: Inquirer.net]





DQ

5 12 2015

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SENATOR GRACE POE has been disqualified by the Commission on Elections. And she has to hurdle three more disqualification cases. Continuing what FPJ has started indeed.

Comelec’s Second Division has disqualified Grace Poe from running for president in next year’s elections. Or as some LP stalwarts would say, “One down, two to go.”

Sen. Grace Poe believes her two fiercest foes were behind the disqualification cases filed against her. Mar Roxas has already denied the allegation while Sheryl Cruz has refused to comment.

According to the Comelec’s Second Division, Grace Poe made false claims about her period of residency in the country when she filed her COC for president. In other words, she lied – further fueling speculations that Grace Poe and Bongbong Marcos are siblings because, you know, as Susan Roces once said, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… “

Christmas Rush
It was hellish on EDSA last Friday, December 4. Traffic was so horrendous motorists were heard cursing Pope Francis.

Confessions
A confessed womanizer, presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte says he’s got two wives and two girlfriends. In the words of Joseph Estrada, “a saint.”

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PI 100
Slammed for cursing Pope Francis, presidential aspirant Rodrigo Duterte vows to never swear in public again. He promises to donate 1000 pesos to the Caritas Davao Foundation everytime he would be caught swearing. In a statement, officers of the foundation said, “It’s normal for humans to curse. Go ahead, Mayor! Express yourself.”

Free Wi-Fi
If elected president, Vice President Binay vows free wi-fi access nationwide. Aside from free wi-fi, Binay also promises free Jinggoy, free Bong, free GMA, and free Enrile.

Texting
On Dec. 3, 1992, the first ever text message was sent. It was “Merry Christmas.” The sender then received the first ever text-reply: “Hu u?”

New Year
According to the Chineze zodiac, 2016 will be the Year of the Monkey. It’s also an election year. Coincidence?
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“Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous. In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.”
~Winston Churchill

Sound Bites
“‘Di ba parang masakit sa kalooban mong mananalo ang team mo by default? Parang basketball lang. Ay, nanalo ang barangay natin! Eh kasi hindi sumipot ‘yong kabilang team.”
~Sen. Grace Poe on her disqualification

Be honest.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Poe/Mar/Binay: Inquirer.Net; Duterte: Online]





DUTERTE, CONCUBINAGE, AND OTHER STORIES

27 11 2015

1DIONG
DAVAO CITY MAYOR Rodrigo Duterte topped the latest Pulse Asia survey on preferred candidates for president in the National Capital Region. The poll was conducted even before the tough-talking mayor officially declared his intention to run. He’s killing it!

Here’s the copy of the questionnaire used in the NCR survey.

Pulse Asia
Third Quarter Survey
National Capital Region

SINO ANG IBOBOTO mo sa pagkapangulo sa 2016? Magpasya habang binabasa ang sumusunod na tanong.

1: Araw ng eleksyon. Patungo ka sa presinto para bumoto, sakay ng jeep, nang biglang may magdeklara ng holdup. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

2. ‘Yong ex mong guwapo, addict na ngayon. Grabe kasi ang bentahan ng drugs sa kanilang lugar. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

3: Inutang lang ng iyong nanay ang ibinili n’yo ng bigas. Matapos isaing, peke pala ang nabili mong bigas. Malamang, smuggled! Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

4: May asthma ka. Tahimik kang nagbabasa sa isang pampublikong park nang may maupo sa tabi mo. Grabe kung manigarilyo ang damuho. Daig pa ang tambutso. Eh malinaw naman ang nakasulat sa karatula: No Smoking. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

5: Na-late ka sa iyong trabaho. Grabe kasi ang traffic dahil sa mga motoristang walang disiplina. Ang dami pa ring bus driver na nagbababa ng pasahero sa gitna ng EDSA. Sino ang iboboto mo sa 2016?
_ Binay
_ Duterte
_ Poe
_ Roxas
_ Santiago

Maraming salamat sa paglahok sa survey na ito. Makakaasa kang mabibilang ang iyong boto. Ingat sa pag-uwi. Paalala: ‘Wag kang basta-basta maglalabas ng cellphone, baka ma-snatch. Sino nga palang iboboto mo sa 2016?

—Nothing follows—

1DIONGConcubinage
Judy Amante, wife of Agusan Del Sur Rep. Erlpe John Amante has filed concubinage charges against the congressman and his alleged mistress, Katrina Mortola. Congressman Amante has refused to be interviewed by the media. He was last seen leaving his home in Cabadbaran City waving goodbye to his kids, his maids, and his political career.

Disaster-Prone
According to a study conducted by the UN Office for Disaster Risk Reduction (UNDRR), the Philippines is the fourth most disaster-prone country in the world. The study covered weather-related disasters only. We would have ranked higher if the study also covered government and politics.

1DIONG
Vandolph
Reacting to his mom’s interview on ANC’s Headstart recently, actor Vandolph Quizon said TV host Karen Davila humiliated his mom on national TV. Vandolph just proved that he is indeed Dolphy’s son. He’s so funny.

According to Vandolph, ANC host Karen Davila humiliated his mom on national TV. That’s nothing Vandolph. Wait ’til thinking Filipino voters humiliate your mom in the national elections.

Vandolph explained that Karen Davila should have respected Alma because she’s the “chairman of the Philippine Councilors League” for years. In response, Davila said Alma should have respected the Senate because the institution has been there for decades.
—————————————————————————————————————————————
“Dictators long ago found that it is easier to unite people in common hatred than in common love.”
~Dagobert Runes, A Dictionary of Thought

2016 Elections
A natural-born Filipino
A non-natural-born Filipino
A natural-born thief
A natural stubborn
A natural-born killer

Sound Bites
“If I become president, I advise you people to put up several funeral parlor businesses because I am against illegal drugs… I might kill someone because of it.”
~Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte

Elsewhere
Is a benevolent dictatorship possible?
“People don’t have to be killed; they just have to be held accountable. After all, righting the ship requires the choice of everyone on board, not the fear that the captain might kill you. You can obey traffic rules to avoid imprisonment or you can just obey traffic rules because that’s what non-a-holes do in a civilized society. You can refrain from stealing taxpayer’s money in fear of being executed by the ruler of the land or you can just stop doing that because people’s lives are actually at stake.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Philstar.Com; Amante: Congress.ph; Vandolph: ABSCBNPR]





DEAR CHARO: TWERK IT LIKE LP

3 10 2015

MAALAALA MO KAYA
Episode No. 1215
October 3, 2015

PAALALA: Maaari kayong manalo ng 1,000-peso load kung mahuhulaan n’yo ang pamagat ng episode natin ngayong gabi. Kailangang may sagot na kayo bago matapos ang inyong pagbabasa. Limang mapapalad na readers ang magwawagi. Good luck.

(Before reading the letter, click this video and wait for the music to play.)

MINSAN sa buhay ng tao, dumarating ang puntong sinusubok ang kanyang katatagan. Susuko ba siya o lalaban?

Magandang gabi, Kapamilya. Ang ating tampok na kwento ay hango sa padalang liham ng isang miyembro ng Playfulgirls – isang grupo ng sexy dancers. Itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang Francheska.

Pero bago ‘yan, October 2015 na pala. Napakabilis ng panahon. Napakaraming pagbabago sa ating paligid. Ang hindi lang nagbago ay ang letter-senders sa aking programa. Hanggang ngayon, nagpapadala pa rin sila ng liham. Pwede naman nilang i-blog na lang o kaya i-email. Bakit kailangang lumiham pa. Ano ‘to? ‘80s?

Buweno, simulan na natin ang pagbabasa ng liham ni Francheska.

“Dear Charo,

Miyembro ako ng Playfulgirls – isang grupo ng mga seksing babaeng sumasayaw sa mga event at party. Malinis ang trabaho namin. Konting giling, konting lambing… pera.

Tahimik naman po ang buhay namin hanggang sa dumating ang isang pangyayaring naglagay sa amin sa kahihiyan. Pinag-usapan, hinusgahan. Napakasakit po.

Nagsimula po ito sa isang good news mula sa aming manager.

Last week. Somewhere in QC.
“O, girls… tumawag si Chairman. May raket tayo! Magtu-twerk kayo sa harap ng isang congressman! Bongga! Kumikitang kabuhayan na naman! Galingan ang pagsayaw huh! Congressman ‘yan! Madatung.”

“Eh mamita, hindi ba thunderdome na ‘yang congressman na ‘yan? Baka ‘di kami ma-appreciate, sayang naman.”

“Gaga! Congressman ‘yan! Kesehodang naka-diaper pa ‘yan, importante ang inyong performance! ‘Tsaka may mga kaibigang mayor o konsehal ‘yan. ‘Pag na-impress n’yo sila, kukunin kayo sa kampanya!”

* * *

Charo, nagulat kami nang dumating sa venue. Oath-taking pala ng mga bagong miyembro ng Liberal Party ang event na aming pinuntahan at hindi private party. May mga bata pa at estudyante! Pero dahil professional kami, tuloy ang show!

At ito na nga ang mga sumunod na pangyayari…

1Playfulgirls01

1Playfulgirls02

1Playfulgirls03

1Playfulgirls04

Kung naloka kayo, naloka rin kami. Feeling namin, na-set up kami.

Sa totoo lang Charo, pang-adult talaga ang ni-rehearse namin. Kung sinabihan lang kaming buong barangay pala ang invited, dapat nag-singkil na lang kami.

At ito pa ang nakakaloka. Napansin n’yo ba ang stage backdrop? “40 Years In Service” – Ibang service yata ang tinutukoy ni Congressman. Alam ba ng asawa niya ‘yan?

Sorry nga pala Charo, photos lang ang kalakip ng liham ko pero pwede mong makita ang video dito.

So ‘yon na nga! Grabe ang reaksyon sa Internet. Kung anu-anong pangalan ang itinawag sa amin. Hinusgahan agad kami. Na kesyo malaswa, madumi, malibag, puro tuwad ang alam, bayaran, mababang uri, at iba pang masasakit na salita.

Nag-trend pa kami sa Twitter, Charo. Pero ang pinakamasakit sa lahat, ang denial ni Chairman.

“I was just a guest at the birthday party. I did not bring any dancer or singer. The emcee probably got misinformed.”

Ang sakit Chairman. Bakit mo nagawa ‘yon? Metro Manila Denial Authority ka talaga! Matagal na tayong friends, alam mo ‘yan! 2013 pa lang, kinukuha mo na kami sa kampanya ‘tapos ngayon, biglang: “I was just a guest at the birthday party?!” Pastilan! Yawa!

1agarao22
Charo, nasa tamang edad naman kami. Hindi kami pinilit magsayaw dahil trabaho naman talaga ito. Marangal na trabaho. Pero wala naman sanang laglagan. Pati ‘tong si Congressman, grabe kung makapagsalita. Kung mai-describe niya kami, parang isang object ang tingin niya sa amin! Sabi niya…

“Pangkaraniwan na ho iyan sa probinsiya, may nagreregalo ng entertainment.”

Regalo??? Regalo, Charo?!? Sumagot ka Charo! Tama bang tawagin kaming regalo???! Charo! Nakatulog ka na yata! [Francheska, hindi ako nakatulog, binabasa ko nga ang liham mo ‘di ba?] Hindi kami regalo Congressman! Binayaran kami! Nagtrabaho kami. Anong regalo ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!

Charo, naiintindihan namin ang reaksyon ni Mar Roxas pero nasaktan pa rin kami nang slight nang sabihin niyang:

“Iwaksi natin ang ganitong klaseng mga gimik, lalo pa’t nakakabastos ito.”

1Twerk
Inuulit namin… wala kaming kaalam-alam na public event pala ang aming pinuntahan. Kung nabastusan ka sa amin sir, we’re not surprised. Basta! I don’t want to elaborate.

Nagpapasalamat nga pala kami kay Congw. Leni Robredo sa kanyang concern. Sabi niya kasi kahapon:

“Walang puwang sa aming partido ang kahit anong gawaing niyuyurakan ang karapatan at dignidad ng kababaihan.”

Balita namin ma’am, tatakbo raw kayong vice president. Parang recently lang po, sabi n’yo hindi kayo ready sa mas mataas na puwesto lalo na kung bise presidente. After just a month, biglang ready? Anyareh? Dahil po concerned kayo sa amin, concerned din po kami sa inyo. Kung kayo ay napipilitan lang dahil sa pressure ng LP, ‘wag n’yo nang ituloy. Mag-senador muna kayo.

Charo, hindi mo ba napapansin? Lumalayo na tayo sa isyu. Nasa pulitika na tayo pero tuloy pa rin ang pagbabasa mo sa aking liham. Hindi ba ito na-edit ng iyong headwriter?

‘Yon lang Charo ang punto ko at ng aming grupo. Nais naming iparating kay Chairman at kay Congressman na nasasaktan kami sa kanilang mga sinasabi. Manindigan naman sana sila at matutong umako sa responsibilidad.

Walang laglagan sa tuwid na daan.

Gumagalang,

Francheska

[Muling i-click ang music para mas ramdam ang closing ni Ma’m Charo. Huwag ituloy ang pagbabasa hangga’t di naririnig si Dulce.]

Mga Kapamilya… sa huling statement ni Congressman Agarao, sinabi nitong wala siyang nakikitang bastos sa ginawa ng Playfulgirls sa harap ng maraming tao: bata, matanda, lalaki, babae, estudyante. Sa katunayan aniya, maraming congressman ang nanonood ng adult shows kung saan naka-cage pa ang mga babae – hanggang madaling araw.

Kitang-kita natin ang mentalidad ng kongresistang ito. Ayaw kong madamay sa pulitika ang ating programa kaya’t iiwan ko sa inyo ang pag-aanalisa at pagpapasya.

Good luck nga pala sa mga huhula sa episode title. Ito po si Charo Santos na nagsasabing, “Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners.” Magandang gabi, Kapamilya.
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“REGALO”

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Tama ba ang hula mo? To claim your prize, padalhan mo muna ng 300 pesos na load ang number na ito: 0905-8903030. Call us now. Atty. Buboy Cervantes nga pala ito. [Per DTI-NCR Permit No. 3 Series of 2015]
——————————————————————————————————————————–

Sound Bites
“It depends on how you appreciate things. Like me, I’m a real man, I see nothing lewd. In Manila, some women dance in cages. In other provinces, your eyeballs will fall out and yet there is no malice. Here in Metro Manila, a lot of congressmen [watch these shows] until dawn
~Cong. Benjie Agarao

Raunchy
Shortly after the oath-taking of local Liberal Party recruits in Sta.Cruz, Laguna, a group of scantily-clad women known as Playgirls performed a naughty dance number with some male audience. Critics say LP members are “chauvinistic” and “pigs!” To which, Senator Drilon said, “Hoy! I’m not chauvinistic.”

Imelda
An online report claims former First Lady Imelda Marcos is against the rumored Binay and Bongbong tandem in 2016. Vice President Binay, who is being accused of stealing public funds has been described by Imelda as “madumi.” Imelda still hates competition.

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Playgirls: Screengrabbed from an Inquirer video; Agarao: Congress.gov.ph]





POE FRANCIS

18 09 2015

poejOURNALph
LAST SEPTEMBER 16, Sen. Grace Poe officially declared her intention to run for president of the Philippines. It was an important declaration decided with the help of family, friends, and surveys.

In 2009, President Aquino was the most popular candidate. Today, at least according to the most recent surveys, it’s Grace Poe. Apparently, survey respondents wanted someone who is new, fresh, and with a popular dead parent.

In making her decision to run for president of the Republic of the Philippines, Grace Poe said, “I wanted to continue what my father, FPJ had started.” Specifically, these are:
1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Sen. Grace Poe is running for president. She thus joined a long list of women who had said “no” to President Aquino.

A day after Grace Poe announced her bid for the presidency at the UP Bahay ng Alumni, Sen. Francis Escudero “accepted” Poe’s challenge to be her running mate. Chiz made the declaration at Club Filipino. Originally, Grace Poe wanted to make her announcement also at Club Filipino but club members said, “This is Club Filipino. We repeat, ‘Filipino.’”

Grace Poe has officially declared her bid for the presidency. In her speech though, she didn’t identify her party. Rumors say she is still torn between two: Republican and Democratic.

Sen. Grace Poe has officially declared her intention to run for president. Going super full blast soon: TV ads, on-ground campaign, and Edgar Erice’s attacks on her.

Enumerating her goals, the first-term senator acknowledged that “traffic situation takes away not just our precious time, it tests our patience.” Which begs the question, why did you support the INC protests on EDSA?

Sen. Grace Poe also vowed to “hold the corrupt accountable, whether they be friend or foe.” In totally unrelated news, Jinggoy and Bong are now reportedly campaigning hard for Jejomar Binay.

Former Zamboanga del Norte Representative Romeo Jalosjos, a convicted child rapist, was present at the UP Bahay ng Alumni last Wednesday to support Grace Poe. Nothing much has changed. Jalosjos like ’em young and fresh.
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
“People with ambition don’t give a damn what other people think of them.”
~Diane Setterfield

Sound Bites
Binay: Ituro mo sa akin. Nasaan?
Student: Hanapin na lang po ninyo, sir. Di ninyo yata nakikita.
Binay: Mga 3% or 5% lang ang informal settlers sa amin sa Makati.
Student: Eh ‘di mayroon pa rin, sir. Sabi ninyo wala.
~Exchange between Vice President Binay and UP Los Baños student and Mandaluyong City resident Lucky Patrick Lopez during a forum in UPLB

“Three percent lang ang informal settlers sa Makati, sabihin na nga nating halos wala. Lumabas ang kabastusan ng bata.”
~Vice President Binay

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Journal.com.ph]





PRRRT! LISENSYA!

5 09 2015

1trafficPHILSTAR
Fifth
The Philippines, according to a recent report, has the fifth worst traffic situation in the world. If it’s any consolation, we’re under the “non-fatal” category.

The Police
Starting this week, burly officers of the PNP-Highway Patrol Group will be deployed to manage traffic in the metro. Expect to see those cops on EDSA especially during rush hour. Or as they would probably call it, “happy hour.”

The Police II
The PNP-Highway Patrol Group has been designated as lead traffic law enforcement agency on EDSA. Some motorists describe it as “unsettling” while some MMDA traffic enforcers call it, “loss of extra income.”

123rfdotcom
Scenarios
Cop: Alam mo ba kung bakit ka namin pinara?

Motorist: Dahil Biyernes ngayon at kailangan n’yo ng pang-inom mamayang gabi?

Cop:

Motorist: Joke lang boss. Ganito lang talaga ako. Mapagbiro.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Lisensya!

Motorist: Lisensya agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng mag-hi muna?

Cop:

Motorist: Hi! Hehe Grabe ka namang makasimangot sir. Heto na nga, hinahanap na.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinahinto?!

Motorist: Ano ‘to? Quiz? Magmumulta kapag ‘di nakasagot???!

Cop:

Motorist: Ay! May No U-Turn sign pala. Sensya na sir. Malabo lang ang mata.

1qinteristingdotcom

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!?

Motorist: Oo naman! Magkano ba?

Cop:

Motorist: Sorry! ‘Yong kahapon kasi nagsabi agad ng presyo. Akala ko ikaw ‘yon.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!?

Motorist: Alam mo bang less ang abala kung sasabihin mo na agad kung bakit?

Cop:

Motorist: Beating the red light sir. Sorry, naka-green pa kanina eh. Ang bagal kasi ng nasa unahan.

* * * * *

Cop: Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinahinto?!?

Motorist: Dahil a-kinse ngayon at kakasuweldo ko lang?

Cop:

Motorist: Pero opinyon ko lang ‘yan sir. Ewan ko sa opinyon mo. Kanya-kanya lang ‘yan.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!?

Motorist: Dahil ‘di mo alam na uncle ko ang mayor dito?

Cop:

Motorist: Well actually, uncle talaga s’ya ng best friend ko. So, heto ang lisensya ko.

1iconshotdotcom

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinahinto?!?

Motorist: Ikaw ‘tong nanghuli, ba’t ako ang tatanungin mo?!

Cop:

Motorist: Grabe ka namang makatingin sir! Nagi-explain lang. Chill.

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!?

Motorist: Trick question! Hindi mo naman ako pinara eh. Hinuli mo ako!

Cop:

Motorist: Lisensya ko sir. Ready na. Hehe

* * * * *

Cop: Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!

Motorist: May iba pa bang rason? Eh ‘di mangongotong!

Cop:

Motorist: Preemptive measure lang sir. Kung hindi ka mangongotong, eh ‘di mabuti.

* * *

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?!

Motorist: Yup! Dahil nag-swerve ako. But in my defense, may pulubing tumawid. Iniwasan ko ito kaya napilitan akong mag-swerve. Otherwise, mababangga ko ‘yong pulubi, mamamatay siya, makakasuhan ako ng reckless imprudence resulting in homicide, at masisira ang buhay ko. Nakapatay na nga ako, masisira pa ang buhay ko, nasaan ang fairness do’n? Kaya kung ako sa ‘yo sir, palalampasin ko na lang ang ginawa ko para hindi ka makunsensya in the future.

Cop:

Motorist: Fine! *hands over license* Basta ‘pag nasira ang buhay ko, ikaw ang sisisihin ko sir!

* * * * *

Cop: Prrrt! Lisensya!

Motorist: *hands over license*

Cop: *checks license*

Motorist:

Cop: Mayor!!! Sorry, ‘di kita agad nakilala. Ingat kayo sir, madulas ang daan.

1Dreamstim

Cop: Prrrt! Alam mo ba kung bakit kita pinara?

Motorist: Dahil wala akong choice! Pulis ka, nakauniporme, malaki ang katawan, may motorsiklong panghabol, may baril. Tell me, may choice ba ako?!?!

Cop:

Motorist: *hands over license* May point naman ako sir ‘di ba?
————————————————————————————————————————————————
“Leave sooner, drive slower, live longer.”
~Author Unknown

Sound Bites
“That is the clear direction, implementing an effective traffic law enforcement. The primary consideration here is to clear the choke points.”
~Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma

“I don’t think that is possible. No one has talked to me and I am definitely not interested. Definitely out of my psyche. What I am only focused now is the senatorial. Anything beyond that will not happen. Anything beyond that I am not ready.”
~Justice Sec. Leila De Lima on reports she’s being considered for the VP post

Have a great weekend! #WorthTheWait

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philstar.com, Iconshut.com, Qinteristing.com, 123RF.com; Dreamstime.com]





HIGH AND DRY

11 08 2015

1water‘Dry Season’
Due to Maynilad’s rotating water service interruptions, some areas in Metro Manila and Cavite will go “dry.” The President can relate.

1PBRThe Help
A recent tabloid report said Sen. Grace Poe maltreated a household help in the past. When sought for reaction, Binay opted to keep mum while Mar Roxas opted to let Korina answer the question because she is more familiar with the subject.

1waterRehab
The same tabloid report also claimed that Grace Poe checked into a rehab facility for drug addiction. Something that even Toby Tiangco wouldn’t believe saying he didn’t see her ‘inside.’

Untitled
#WalangForever
Saying the Liberal Party cannot stay in power “forever,” Vice President Binay’s spokesman Joey Salgado lambasted LP’s alleged “sinister agenda” to stay in power for 20 years. In other news, the Binays have been in power for almost 30 years now – and Alanis Morissette is so tempted to belt out one of her hit songs.

1waterCakes
Makati City announced that Goldilocks Bakeshop was the lone bidder for the contract to supply birthday cakes for Makati’s senior citizens. The popular bakeshop submitted a bid of P8.7M – lower than Makati’s approved budget of P9.3M. The savings will be used to shoulder the hospital expenses of obese and diabetic residents.

1waterAlcohol Tracker
There’s a smartphone app that can help users keep track of how much they have been drinking. A local tabloid says Sen. Grace Poe has downloaded it.

1waterPopulation
According to the Philippine Statistics Authority, the country’s population is expected to reach 101.6 million this year. Again, the number of Filipinos is expected to surpass 101 million this year. If you are single, what’s your excuse?
———————————————————————————————————————————————————–
[Photos: Maynilad, Makati Cake, Lacierda/Salgado: Inquirer.net; Grace Poe: PhilStar; Alcohol Tracker: SlappMe; Philippine Population: CNN]





DISASTERS

23 05 2015

index
THE CHIEF OF POLICE of Carmona, Cavite was sacked after he was caught on video torturing a suspected thief. For a change, the suspected thief was tortured. Normally, we elect them.

Rejected
Just days after Abigail Binay described a Binay-Poe tandem in 2016 as “ideal,” Sen. Grace Poe said she doesn’t see herself teaming up with the Vice President because, “Sa istilo ng paninilbihan, marahil ay talagang magkaiba kami. Naniniwala ako sa katapatan at pagiging bukas para mabusisi ng ating mga taumbayan.” She uttered those words because saying “Ayaw ko sa corrupt!” would be rude and libelous.

imagesAlternative
A day after Grace Poe rejected a Binay-Poe tandem in 2016, Vice President Binay said he’s considering Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte as a potential running mate in next year’s elections. But Duterte says he’s not keen on running for vice president because he doesn’t have millions or billions to wage a nationwide campaign. And Vice President Binay was like, “Maliit na bagay.”

Rejected by Grace Poe, Vice President Binay is after Rodrigo Duterte. Tough-talking Duterte is after robbers and thieves. In the words of Grace Poe, “conflict of interest.”

Campaign Chest
Political analysts say a presidential candidate needs a campaign war chest of about 10 to 15 billion pesos. That’s the amount you need to apply for “the job.” And of course, you have to answer questions like, “Where do you see yourself depositing your loot in six years?”

Determined
Liberal Party stalwart and Caloocan City Rep. Edgar Erice says Mar Roxas will not slide down to be Grace Poe’s running mate in 2016. Or as Toby Tiangco put it, “the best news of the week.”

imagesLRT Accident
Two LRT trains collided early Sunday morning. Apparently, power fluctuation affected the signaling system and one of the drivers lost control. I was tempted to make a joke but it would be out of line.

Scrabble
New words like sexting, lolz, emoji, thankx and twerking made it to the latest edition of “Collins Official Scrabble Words.” But that’s kinda expected. You know what’s surprising? People still playing Scrabble these days.

Slow
In terms of Internet speed, the Philippines ranks 21st out of 22 countries in Asia. Our Internet connection is so slow, the punchline of this joke is still loading.

imagesThe Big One
When asked to rate the readiness of the MMDA in case of a strong earthquake, Chairman Francis Tolentino said, “50 percent.” To be fair, the MMDA is 100 percent ready for the this year’s MMFF.

Earthquake Movie
As the Philippines prepares for ‘The Big One,’ Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, in a recently uploaded promotional video – invited Filipinos to watch the disaster film ‘San Andreas.’ Well played, Warner Bros. Well played.

Loveless
Bb. Pilipinas-Universe Pia Wurtzbach told GMA News that she’s loveless right now and has no time for romance as she’s busy preparing for the Miss Universe pageant. In totally unrelated and unverified news, President Aquino has not eaten a meal for a day now and has refused to talk to anybody.

Just Friends
Kris Aquino recently clarified that she and Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista were “never lovers.” To which the public said, “We’re never interested.”

images
Pac-Man
Last May 22, Pac-Man turned 35 years old. And just like an ordinary 35-year-old who won’t stop eating, Pac-Man is probably overweight right now.

Born in 1980, Pac-Man just turned 35. And just like an ordinary 35-year-old, Pac-man still believes in ghosts.
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.”
~H. L. Mencken

Sound Bites
“I don’t have money and I don’t want to beg for money. This Vice President … I have to spend but I don’t have the money. I don’t like asking around for money, especially from other politicians because I don’t want to incur debt of gratitude.”
~Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte on reports that VP Binay considers him as a potential running mate

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Cartoon: ToonPool.com; Binay/Duterte: Rappler; LRT: Dennis Datu/DZMM]





HEADLINE-GRABBING HEADLINES

29 04 2015

1PDI
FOR “KILLING” Filipina drug convict Mary Jane Veloso in their erroneous print edition headlines Wednesday morning, some local newspapers became the subject of online ridicule.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer has issued an apology and vowed to “revamp newsroom processes to better inform and serve” their readers. We have yet to hear from the other newspapers.

In this day and age, putting out erroneous front-page headlines is the last thing you’d expect from the modern print media. Or maybe not. So what could be next? Here are the…

Top 8 Newspaper Headlines
That Might Surprise Us On or Before Sunday Morning, May 3, 2015

Mayweather undefeated no more:
Pacquiao stops American in 10th

1Abante

MRT, inaasahang titirik sa Lunes, 8:35 ng umaga
Libu-libong pasaherong hindi naniwala sa balita, maiinis

Congratulations Rain or Shine!

Vice President Binay, umamin sa mga kasalanan
Mga kinamkam noong alkalde pa lamang ng Makati, ibabalik

1Standard

Kurapsyon sa Bureau of Customs, tuluyan nang nalutas

Paalam Janet Lim-Napoles

Malakas na lindol sa Metro Manila, tuloy na tuloy na;
Mga militante, sisisihin si Pangulong Aquino

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Doris Bigornia may aawayin na naman sa concert ni Sam Smith sa May 7
lalaking makakasagutan, nag-draft na ng ipo-post sa Facebook
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“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.”
~Mark Twain

Sound Bites
“I kept quiet & just prayed. Left & right paulit ulit na walang ginawa, walang effort, walang malasakit, patalsikin, walang nagawa si Noynoy. And I kept quiet w/ the endless attacks against PNoy because that was his reminder to me, but today it is my right & my privilege to say, I AM PROUD of my brother. I AM PROUD OF MY PRESIDENT.”
~Kris Aquino via Instagram

Some Comic Relief

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Thank you President Widodo!

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer. Mark Angeles, Gerald Magno, Jim Paredes]





PRESSURED

28 04 2015

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CITING POLITICAL PRESSURE, Bureau of Customs Chief John Phillip Sevilla quit his post. The incorruptible Sevilla bared that he was being pressured to appoint a member of an influential sect to a key post in the bureau. He objected. So when Malacañang insisted, Sevilla decided to resign. He didn’t finish his term. To add insult to injury, he was given a grade of INC.

For the second time, businessman Alberto Lina was appointed customs commissioner. His appointment to the juicy post was welcomed by his family, his friends, and his 18 companies that continue to do business with the BOC.

John Philip Sevilla has resigned as Customs chief. He was replaced by businessman Alberto Lina. Last Friday, Lina took his oath of office. He swore to perform his duties to God, to our country, and to some extent, to INC.

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Nepal Earthquake
More than 4,000 people were killed when a magnitude 7.8 earthquake struck Nepal. A week before the disaster, experts gathered in Kathmandu to plan for “a nightmare waiting to happen.” Apparently, their motto was “Better safe than sorry.” Here in the Philippines, “no concrete measures to address the hazards of a massive quake” have been taken despite experts’ warning that at least 35,000 people would die if a magnitude 7.2 earthquake hits Metro Manila. Which is not surprising since the government’s motto is, “To see is to believe.”

Experts say Metro Manila is NOT so ready for a massive earthquake. Local government officials have other priorities. Maybe we can change that. Beginning today, let’s stop using the term “earthquake” and start calling it “election.”

A Google executive at the base camp of Mount Everest died in an avalanche triggered by the magnitude 7.8 earthquake that struck Nepal. The Google executive was found after a search.

UntitledVictim
Because she’s “vulnerable,” authorities said, Filipina Mary Jane Veloso became a victim of “deception.” Again, “vulnerable victim of deception.” Politicians have a collective term for that: voters.

Filipina Mary Jane Veloso is still alive. Her execution originally scheduled Tuesday midnight was suspended. That’s the good news. The bad news is ER Ejercito might just do a film about her.

No ISIS
AFP chief of staff Gen. Gregorio Pio Catapang says no ISIS militants operate from the Philippines. But based on intelligence data, there are Abu Sayyaf, BIFF, private armed groups, senators, congressman, governors, mayors, etc.

1sevillaPunishment
Liberal Party stalwart Edgar Erice said, “If God will bless us, he will give us Mar Roxas and Grace Poe. If God will punish us, he will give us UNA.” When sought for reaction, God said, “I’m busy. I have a scheduled meeting with Duterte.”

LP stalwart and Caloocan Rep. Edgar Erice says Dingdong Dantes and Isko Moreno are two potential bets for senator of the ruling coalition. In response, God was like, “Talk about punishment!”

Happiest
According to the latest World Happiness Report, Switzerland is the happiest country in the world. The Philippines was 90th in the happiness index – which was really disappointing considering the fact that we’ve got some of the biggest jokes in the three branches of our government.

1sevillaSnatched
While taking a walk in Madrid, Spain, Sen. Pia Cayetano’s phone was snatched by a bicycle-riding man. When the senator shouted for help, bystanders moved to catch the suspect. The police described the thief as young and remorseless who’s got a bright future in politics.
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“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”
~Martin Luther King Jr.

Sound Bites
“We consider Commissioner Sunny Sevilla an honest, competent, no-nonsense professional whose departure will be a great loss to the Bureau of Customs and this administration. It is a sad day when principled professionals deem it untenable to stay in office.”
~Makati Business Club

Must-Watch
Bracing for the big one: Is Metro Manila quake-ready?

Be prepared!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: John Philip Sevilla: Inquirer.net; Nepal Quake:On Islam.Net; Erice: Journal.Com; Sen. Pia Cayetano]





EXCLUSIVE! KRISSY AND SHAWEE (NAKAKALOKA!)

25 04 2015

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“HELLLLLOOOO! Nakakaloka! At inulit ko raw talaga ang word na nasa title. Aha-ha-ha! Kasi naman, naloka talaga ako sa mga ganap kahapon. Ganito ‘yon. Na-extend nang bonggang-bongga ang tulog ko. Then, paggising ko ng 1 pm, hilo-hilo pa ako, akala ko Sunday na kaya nagmadali akong pumunta sa ABS for ‘The Buzz.’ Pagdating ko doon, pak! Ako lang ang tao sa studio. MUKHA AKONG TANGA! Aha-ha-ha! At heto pa: late ko na ring na-realize na wala na nga pala kaming show! Aha-ha-ha. Nakakaloka!

Anyway, paglabas ko ng studio, hulaan n’yo kung sinong nakasalubong ko! My gosh! Of all people, siya pa! God, why me?! Aha-ha-ha! Sige na nga, sasabihin ko na kung sino s’ya! Si Mega! Nakakaloka. Napahinto talaga ako. Eh kasi nga ‘di ba?! May mga naging isyu kami before. So nang mabunggo niya ako… wait! In fairness to me huh, kahit naka-heels ako… ‘di ako tumilapon. Aha-ha-ha I’m so mean!!! But swear, it was an awkward moment. Hindi ko alam kung paplastikin ko siya o ako ba ang paplastikin niya. Either way, deserved lang namin both. Aha-ha-ha At dahil ayaw ko namang masabihang suplada… ako na ang unang bumati. Todo-sigaw pa ako huh! In fairness.

Darlaaaaaaaa!

— Heyyyyyyy, hello Krissy!!!

*Beso-beso*

My gosh. MEGA???? Sorry. I thought si Darla ka. My fault. Welcome baaaaaack! We’ve missed youuuuuu! Promiiiiiiiiiise.
— Bahahahahaha

Kumusta naman ang show mo? I mean, show ni Billy?
— Bahahahahaha

Hay naku Shawee, tawa ka lang nang tawa. Kaloka ka.
— Krissy, sorry huh! Pero, bahahahahaha. Hindi ko kasi inexpect na bahahahahaha

SHAWEE! Ano ba?! Tatawa ka na lang ba?
— Fine! ‘To naman! Happy lang ako kasi I am back. Bahahahahaha Glad to see you again Krissy. How’s ‘The Buzz?’

Wala na nga ‘di ba? Natakot yata kay Willie kaya nagpahinga muna.
— So pa’no na ‘yan? Sa’n ka na magda-drama? Bahahahahaha

Excuse me! I have two other shows pa. Ang dapat na tanong mo: ‘pag nawala ang show ni Billy, saan ka na tatawa? Aha-ha-ha!
— Funny ka talaga Krissy bahahahahaha

NO! I’m not kidding. Serious ako. May shows ka pa ba???
— I think I have to go.

Joooke! Aha-ha-ha Ano ka ba naman Mega? Joke lang ‘yon, hellllo!
— Bahahahahaha

Ganito na lang. Para ‘di sayang ang pagpunta ko rito, tara! Kwentuhan na lang tayo para may extra episode kami ni Boy for A&A!

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Two weeks ago, naloka tayong lahat nang umamin si Sen. Ralph Recto that he had an affair with another woman. Bongga! Ikaw Shawee, what if one day umamin din si Senator Kiko?
— Bahahahahaha You know what Krissy, si Kiko kasi Bahahahahaha

Gosh! Stop laughing nga muna Shawee. OA na.
— Ok. Alam mo Krissy, may tiwala ako kay Kiko. He’ll never do that. I know my husband very well.

Ganyan din ang sinabi ko noon about James. Promise.
— Iba naman ang ex mo Krissy. At iba ako bilang asawa. Magkaibang-magkaiba tayo!

And what exactly do you mean by that?
— Wala naman. Bahahahahaha Basta ako, maasikaso ako kay Kiko. Lagi ako sa kusina.

Mukha nga.
— And what exactly do you mean by that?

Wala naman. Aha-ha-ha! Moving on, napag-uusapan na namin ito ni Boy. Are you running for public office next year? Sa Pasay ba?
— No, Krissy! I guess politics is not really for me. I’ll support na lang Kiko if ever na tumakbo siya for a Senate seat again.

But why?!? Sayang naman ang pagkakataon. ‘Di ba sabi nila, kapag medyo down ang career mo sa showbiz, try mo naman ang politics.

‘Di ba?!?

Hindi ka sumasagot!!! Sandali, did I offend you? My gosh Shawee, ang tagal na natin sa showbiz para magkapikunan pa tayo. Hayyy. Ni-raise ko lang naman ang possibility na mag-run ka next year. I didn’t mean to
— Mas importante sa akin ang suporta ko sa asawa ko. Again, asawa. Kung ‘di mo narinig, ASAWA. Kung ‘di ka maka-relate, I’m sorry.

NAKAKALOKA KA!!! Awayin ba ‘ko?
— You were never James Yap’s partner. You’re just his wife!

Aha-ha-ha! Hindi talaga kita kinakaya!!! Hellllllo! Chill. ‘Di natin kailangang mag-away ‘no! Basta ang importante you’re back as a Kapamilya. Teka, kanina ka pa ‘di tumatawa huh. Are you ok?
— Bahahahahaha I’m fine.

There! Aha-ha-ha Maglaro na nga lang tayo. Remember when we used to be close friends?
— When?

Basta! We used to play this game called This or That. Laruin nga ulit natin. Game?
— Game!

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Lights on or Lights off?
— These days? Gusto ni Kiko, lights off. Bahahahaha

Feeling ko para ‘di niya makita ang iyong figure.

Sorry!!!!!! Nadulas lang. I’m just kidding. Ako, lights on. Kasi takot si Bimbz sa dark. Binay or Poe?
— Poe. My kinakapatid. You?

Binay! May hacienda!
— Akala ko ba takot si Bimbz sa dark?

Chowking or McDonald’s? Ako, Chowking! Ikaw, alam ko.
— Both? Bahahahahaha

I knew it! Basta food. Aha-ha-ha Mar or Binay?
— Nakaka-relate ako kay Mar. Lumaki sa sarap… mayaman. Ikaw?

Binay pa rin! Lumaki sa hirap… nagpayaman! I mean, yumaman. Sorry Tito Jojo. Aha-ha-ha Last na ‘to: Sharon Cuneta or Lea Salonga?
— Bahahahahaha! Ang OA naman ng tanong na ‘yan. Sobrang OA.

At least sa ‘yo na nanggaling! Aha-ha-ha Shawee, medyo matagal nang isyu ‘yong pagrereklamo raw ng ilang nanood ng concert ng One Direction dahil nagpayong ka sa MOA Grounds. Natakpan tuloy ang view ng mga nasa likod. Linawin mo nga ‘to.
— Lay off my umbrella! Lay off my umbrella! They purposely did that because I am Sharon Cuneta! What the heyyy! Next time, watch a Lea Salonga concert, watch a Lea Salonga concert!!!!!!! Or better yet, Blakdyak!

Gaya-gaya ka naman eh. Linya ‘yan ni Doris Bigornia ‘di ba? Ano ‘to dubsmash?
— Hindi. Your Reporter Sounds Familiar Bahahahahaha

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Mabuti pa… since you’re not that busy naman, mag-guest ka sa Krissy TV. You’ll love it there.
— I know. Bahahahaha ‘Pag pinapanood ko nga si Darla, inggit talaga ako.

O, Darla… narinig mo ‘yon? Matakot ka na girl. May iba na akong tagatikim ng food. Aha-ha-ha
— Seryoso ba ‘yan?

Why not? We’re friends naman, ‘di ba?
— Thank you Krissy. Tama talaga ang desisyon kong bumalik dito.

Joooke! I’m just kidding! We’re ok. But we’re not really friends-friends like “Boy and Kris” friends. ‘Tsaka ‘di pwedeng mawala si Darla sa show ‘no!
— I think I have to go na.

Wait, you have to promote Billy’s show muna! Go! Promote na.

Ayaw mo? Fine. Sige, laugh ka na lang.
— Tse! Bahahahahaha

–End of Conversation–
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“The image is one thing and the human being is another. It’s very hard to live up to an image, put it that way.”
~Elvis Presley

UntitledA Must-Read
The story of Mary Jane Veloso, in her own words

In a narrative, Mary Jane Veloso herself tells the story of how she was framed and duped into unknowingly acting as a drug mule

Sound Bites
“There’s a strong push for the promotion of their men to very powerful positions here at the Customs. When these things happen, I become suspicious of their motive. I promised that there would be no politics or/and patronage system in the appointments in the customs bureau. I took that commitment seriously.”
~Resigned Customs Commissioner John Sevilla

Have a fine weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Kris Aquino’s Instagram; Sharon: Interaksyon; Sharon and Kris: Pinoy Parazzi; Mary Jane Veloso: Daily Mail-UK; KrisTV]





2016, HILLARY, MILK TEA AND OTHER STORIES

13 04 2015

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON has officially announced that she would seek the US presidency in 2016. When asked if her announcement was made too early, Clinton replied, “It’s actually too late – by Binay’s standards.”

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Former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton has declared her intention to run for president in 2016. With her announcement, Hillary expects critics to pounce on her. But she’s unafraid saying she doesn’t own an hacienda and she didn’t benefit from an overpriced building anyway.

In announcing her bid for the US presidency, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said, “Everyday Americans need a champion. I want to be that champion.” To which Filipinos replied, “Don’t give Manny Pacquiao the idea. Please.”

In 2012, former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton said she wouldn’t run for president of the United States again. On Monday, she declared her bid for the presidency. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is suing her for copyright infringement.

All-time Low
Vice President Binay’s net satisfaction rating dropped to an all-time low according to the latest SWS survey. From +44 in December, it’s down to +31 in March. Since last year, his numbers have been declining. Even the Court of Appeals was like, “Can’t help you with that. Sorry.”

Quitting?
Online reports say DILG Secretary Mar Roxas is quitting his post this coming June. He didn’t elaborate on the matter but he told the media, “Everyday Filipinos need a champion. I want to be that champion.”

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Vice President Binay wanted DILG Sec. Mar Roxas to be his running mate in 2016. Apparently, Binay follows the dictum, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Advice
Reports say President Aquino has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So this morning, Roxas petitioned the court to allow him to use the surname ‘Binay.’

1ClintonSecond Chance
Aldrin Jeff Cudia, the controversial cadet who was dismissed from the PMA last year has passed the entrance exam at the UP College of Law. If you would recall, the PMA kicked Cudia out “for lying.” Now, he wants to be a lawyer. He’s on the right track. Congratulations!

Delfin Lee
In a letter sent to the Senate, detained real estate developer Delfin Lee of Globe Asiatique accused Vice President Binay of extortion. Lee, who is furious at Binay, is facing charges of syndicated estafa, a non-bailable offense. When asked if he believed in the adage, “Galit ang magnanakaw sa kapwa magnanakaw,” Lee replied, “Correction please! I am not galit!”

Murder
The Volunteers Against Crime and Corruption or VACC is studying the possibility of filing murder charges against former PNP Chief Alan Purisima, former SAF chief Getulio Napeñas Jr. and President Aquino. The VACC is demanding justice, accountability, and publicity.

1Clinton‘Milk Tea’ Tragedy
Based on the initial tests conducted by the Food and Drug Administration, no toxic substance was found in the milk tea sample that killed two persons in Sampaloc, Manila last Friday. The tea house has been ordered closed but the son of the owner insists their products are safe to consume. To prove his claim, he’s willing to send unlimited free samples to the Senate and Congress.
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“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Sound Bites
“Eh ano ba naman ‘yong magkapatawaran do’n sa ginawa para lang sa taong-bayan, para at sa ikabubuti ng bayan natin.”
~Makati Mayor Junjun Binay on his father’s offer to Mar Roxas to be his running mate

“Whatever happens, I will never tread the crooked path. I will only follow the straight path.”
~DILG Sec. Mar Roxas

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Clinton: Reuters; Roxas/Binay: Inquirer.net; Delfin Lee: Rappler; ErgoCha: @JLDeJesusINQ]








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