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TAPANG AT MALASAKIT: SA AKIN, SA IYO’T SA LAHAT

27 10 2017

1TMjpg
EARLIER this week, a coalition of Duterte diehards was launched in Bonifacio Global City in Taguig. Led by Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte, the ‘Tapang at Malasakit Alliance for Duterte the Philippines’ – in a pledge, called for an end to “destructive politicking”. The title of the pledge was “Note To Ourselves.”

In her speech, Sara Duterte said, “Okay lang siguro if mag-away dito sa loob. Pero ‘pag reputasyon na ng bansa natin ang nasisira sa mga kapitbahay natin, mali po ‘yun.” To which, Presidente Duterte said, “Nang-aano ka eh! Inaano ba kita?”

Overheard at the launch:

Imee Marcos: O, Mayor Lani, nandito ka rin pala. Nasaan si Alan?

Lani Cayetano: Nandiyan lang. Nag-iikot.

Imee: So bati-bati na tayo?

Lani: Huh? Nag-away-away ba tayo?

Imee: Helloooo! ‘Di ba noong vice presidential debates, tinira-tira ni Alan ang pamilya namin? ‘Di mo ba natatandaan?

Lani: Paano ko matatandaan eh ang bata-bata ko pa no’n!?

Imee:

Lani: Ay! Sorry naman, nagamit mo na nga pala ang excuse na ‘yon.

Take 2…

Imee: O, Mayor Lani, nandito ka rin pala. Nasaan si Alan?

Lani: Nandiyan lang. Nag-iikot.

Imee: So bati-bati na tayo?

Lani: Bati-bati? Nag-away-away ba tayo?

Imee: Hellllllooo?! ‘Di ba noong vice presidential debates, hindi tinigilan ni Alan ang pamilya namin? Paulit-ulit niya kaming tinawag na magnanakaw at human rights violator! Magnanakaw at human rights violator. Magnanakaw at human rights violator!

Lani: Tama, I remember that. Wait, hindi ba totoong magnanakaw at human rights violator kayo?

Imee: Excuse me! Check your facts! Hindi kami human rights violator. Hellllloooo!

* * * * *

Imee: Uy, Alan! You’re here pala. Small world.

Alan Peter: I know, right? Who would’ve thought na magiging magkakampi pa tayo?

Imee: True. Nakakaloka ‘no?

Alan: Just a year ago, isa lang akong talunang VP candidate na naghihintay ng swerte. Ngayon, foreign affairs secretary na! Salamat sa pagkawala ni Yasay.

Imee: Pareho pala kayo ni Bongbong. Just a year ago, isa lang siyang talunang VP candidate na naghihintay ng swerte. Ngayon, magiging bise presidente na.

Alan:

Imee: Salamat sa pagkawala ni Andy Bautista!

* * * * *

Erap: Imee, kumusta? ‘Buti naimbitahan ka.

Imee: Uy, Ninong Erap, kayo pala ‘yan!

Erap: Siguro, we have something in common kaya tayo invited.

Imee: Ahmm, tapang?

Erap: Parang hindi.

Imee: Malasakit?

Erap: ‘Di ko sure.

Imee: Plunder?

Erap: Tarantado! Anong alam mo sa plunder eh ang bata-bata mo pa no’n?

Imee: True!

1M
Commemorative
The Philippine Postal Corporation issued a commemorative stamp for the 100th birth anniversary of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. Thank you Philpost! Martial Law victims can’t wait to spit on it.

Not Running
During the launch of Tapang at Malasakit Alliance, Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte vehemently denied reports she’s running for a national post in 2019. Even her father was like, “’Yan din ang sabi ko noon ‘day!”

Quitting
Reports say Duterte’s eldest son, controversial Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo ‘Pulong’ Duterte will retire from politics in 2019 “to focus on his family.” In response, the Davao Group said, “Salamat Kapamilya!”

Demonized
Defending his anti-drug war policy, President Duterte said, “I have been demonized” – drawing a howl of protest from the demon itself who said, “On the contrary, it was I who was Dutertefied!”

Smuggled 
Myanmar had seized $4.6 million worth of smuggled crystal methamphetamine or shabu. Myanmar President Htin Kyaw was quick to deny rumors his eldest son, Pulong Kyaw was involved in the smuggling of the shabu shipment.

Drug Lords
Revealing! A government witness has tagged Mar Roxas and Sen. Franklin Drilon as drug operators in the Visayas. Even more revealing, the witness says Roxas and Drilon are using the code names Tita Nani and Pulong in drug transactions.

1Andanar
Iyot Man
Mocking officials of the European Union who are critical of the Duterte administration, Communications Sec. Martin Andanar said, “’Yong maiingay na palaiyot, ang problema sa kanila, hanggang ingay lang sila, wala namang napatunayan. Maiingay sila kasi kulang sila sa iyot.” A party-list solon described Andanar as “desperate.” Another called it, “shameful.” Duterte described him as “a fast learner.”

Joke
On radio, Martin Andanar defended his distasteful comments and insisted he was just joking. Which was totally unnecessary since his mere presence was in itself a bigger joke.
———————————————————————————————————————————-
“Silence is complicity. Speak now or surrender your ground.”
~Michelle Malkin

Sound Bites
“Hindi po ako papasok sa pulitika. Maayos na maayos na ho ang buhay ko sa show business. “Kasi kawawa naman ang mga senador doon, baka mabugbog ko lang, okay na po ako.”
~Robin Padilla

‘Buti naman.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Tapang at Malasakit: Philippine Star; Stamps: GMA 7; Martin Andanar: GMA 7]

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“NA-ANO LANG”

4 05 2017

HERE IS THE FULL TEXT OF TITO SOTTO’S APOLOGY.

ATITOSOTTO

Mga minamahal kong kababayan,

For the last 48 hours, the issue of the “Na-ano lang” comment has spun out of control. Tonight, I want to set the record straight. You deserve an explanation from me, because you are the people I was elected to serve.

As you recall, the confirmation hearing was unnecessarily dull even with comedians in the committee including yours truly, Manny Pacquiao and several others.

I was anxious to keep the energy in the room and during that time had conversations with many people, including DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo. My intent was not to humiliate the Secretary, and it did not.

That said, let me tell you how I personally feel. I recognize that making such joke was a lapse in judgment. I AM SORRY. I take full responsibility for my actions and to you and to all those good citizens who may have had their faith shaken by these events. I want to assure you that I have redoubled my efforts to serve the nation and earn your trust.

Nagagambala ako. Maliwanag na may kakulangan sa wastong pagpapasya ang nangyaring pagbibitiw ng joke. Pinagsisisihan ko ito nang lubos. Pinananagutan ko nang lubusan ang aking ginawa, at humihingi ako ng tawad kay Secretary Taguiwalo, sa inyo, sa lahat ng mga butihing mamamayan na nabawasan ng tiwala dahil sa mga pangyayaring ito. Ibig kong tiyakin sa inyo na lalo pa akong magsisikap upang maglingkod sa bayan at matamo ang inyong tiwala.

As my late father told me, “Do what is right, do your best and let God take care of the rest.”.

That is why I want to close this chapter and move on with the business of governing. I ask each and everyone of you to join hands with me in a show of unity, to help forge one Philippines, where everyone is equal under the law, and everybody has the opportunity to use their God-given talents to make a better life.

God bless the Philippines!
—————————————————————————————————————————————–
“I’ve learned two things the hard way: You can’t fix stupid and you shouldn’t use up your patience to fix stupid.”
~Karen A. Baquiran

ATITOSOTTO2
Sound Bites
“[You have] Two daughters? But you are single. In the street language, when you have children and you are single, ang tawag lang ay na-ano lang.”
~Tito Sotto to DSWD Sec. Judy Taguiwalo

No. We don’t describe single moms as “na-ano lang.” So, fuck you.

Sound Bites II
“’Di ba ‘yun ang biruan sa kalsada. Kung minasama nila, eh ‘di I’m sorry, I apologize. They don’t understand the joke.”
~Tito Sotto on his “Na-ano lang” comment

Fuck you some more.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Inquirer.Net]





TONE DOWN

22 03 2017

TOURISM SECRETARY Wanda Tulfo-Teo urged Vice President Leni Robredo and the media to “tone down” statements and reports on extrajudicial killings to boost tourism in the country.

How do reporters tone it down? Here are some tips.

First, the statistics. Iwasang banggitin ang salitang libu-libo. Kung umabot na sa 8,000 ang napapatay, umisip ng alternatibong paraan upang mailahad ang estadistika. Halimbawa, sa halip na sabihing “walong libo,” gamitin ang “20 raised to the third power.” Pero kung pabor naman ang figures sa gobyerno, gawin itong eksaherado. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Ayon sa pag-aaral na ginawa ng ilang human rights groups, umabot na sa 20 raised to the third power ang bilang ng mga napapatay na Filipino mula nang ilunsad ng administrasyong Duterte ang war on drugs. Samantala, iniulat naman ng PNP na ang crime rate sa nakaraang anim na buwan ay bumaba ng cube root of 2,197 percent.

Second, the crime scene. Huwag gawing detalyado ang paglalarawan sa naganap na pagpatay. Hangga’t maaari, huwag babanggitin ang lugar kung saan ito naganap. Iwasan din ang paggamit ng mga salitang dugo, baril, karumal-dumal, patay, at biktima. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Isang kagawad ng barangay ang nabuwal, nawalan ng malay at hindi na gumising pa matapos matalsikan ng anim na pirasong metal sa iba’t ibang bahagi ng kanyang katawan. Ang anim na metal ay mula sa itim na bagay na hawak ng dalawang lalaking napadaan sakay ng kalilinis pa lamang nilang motorbike. Naka-helmet ang dalawang lalaki bilang pagsunod sa ordinansa ng lungsod. Ang insidenteng hindi naman dapat gawin pang big deal ay naganap d’yan lang.

Third, managing grief. Ito ang pinakaimportante sa lahat. Tiyaking hindi lalabas na kaawa-awa ang mga kamag-anak ng biktima. Kung kailangang walang maramdamang emosyon sa ulat, mas mabuti. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Nang makita ng kanyang misis ang lalaking ‘di na nagising, ngumiti ito, tumingin sa langit, at nagpasalamat. Ayon sa ginang, “Panginoon, ikaw naman talaga ang may kagustuhan nito. Sino po ba ako para magreklamo? Tinatanggap ko ang pagkawala ng aking mister. Maraming salamat sa maigsing panahong siya ay aking nakasama. Love love love you beh saan ka man naroroon.”

Kung emosyonal man ang mga kamag-anak, siguraduhing pabor sa gobyerno ang kanilang sasabihin. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Nagdiwang ang mga kamag-anak ng kagawad nang malamang ‘di na ito nagising matapos tamaan ng anim na piraso ng metal sa iba’t ibang bahagi ng katawan. Ayon sa ‘di nagpakilalang tiyuhin nito, “Blessing ang nangyaring ito dahil matagal na namin siyang pasanin. Tiyak na magiging payapa at maunlad ang lugar namin dahil dudumugin ito ng mga negosyante. Mabuhay ka Tatay Digong!”

Lastly, the cops. Sila ang nasa forefront ng kampanya laban sa droga, dapat sila ang laging bida. Dapat ganito:

Reporter:
Bilang pakikisama sa magigiting na pulis na sumalakay sa isang squatters area, anim na hinihinalang tulak ng droga at limang hinihinalang drug addict ang naki-cooperate sa raiding team. Taos-puso silang humanay upang hindi na mahirapan pa ang mga awtoridad. Sa madaling salita, boluntaryo ang pagkamatay nila. Dinala na ang kanilang mga bangkay sa ‘di pinangalanang punerarya upang agarang ma-cremate.  

Sample Tabloid Story
KASAMA na ngayon ni Papa Jesus ang isang hinihinalang pusher matapos na boluntaryong magpatama ng hindi bababa sa sampung piraso ng metal sa kanyang katawan.

May ngiti pa sa mga labi ni Bongbong Calida habang yakap ng kanyang misis na malaki ang pasasalamat sa mga pulis dahil sa nangyari.

“Naniniwala po ako sa afterlife at alam kong hihintayin niya ako doon kaya hindi ako dapat malungkot,” paliwanag ng ginang.

Ang limang taong gulang na anak ni Calida ay nahagip din ng metal sa kanang braso. Ngunit nagpakita ng tapang ang bata matapos sabihan ng lider ng raiding team, “Nene, ‘wag kang umiyak o matakot. Parang kagat lang ng langgam ‘yan.”

Mula nang ilunsad ng administrasyong Duterte ang ‘war on drugs,’ dalawa lamang sa halos tatlong daang miyembro ng dalawang kapulungan ng Kongreso ang nagsalita laban dito. Ibig sabihin, mayorya ng mga senador at kongresista ay naniniwalang malapit na ngang maging next Singapore ang Pilipinas.

At press time, 20 raised to the third power na ang boluntaryong tumawid sa kabilang buhay upang makasama si Papa Jesus. #

Note:
Simula next year, ang short course na ito on alternative reporting ay opisyal nang isasama sa curriculum sa mga state colleges and universities sa bansa at tatawaging ‘Teology 101.’
———————————————————————————————————————————————
“Don’t blame the messenger because the message is unpleasant.”
~Ken Starr

Sound Bites
“’Yung mga statements na ganoon, nahihirapan kaming i-sell ang Philippines so I hope we could kung puwede even… this does not only refer to VP Leni but also to the media to please medyo i-tone down natin yung [reports] on extrajudicial killings.”
~Tourism Sec. Wanda Tulfo-Teo

Elsewhere
The New York Times:
“Violence in the house, violence in the school and violence in the neighborhood. That is why he is always angry. Because if you have pain when you are young, you are angry all the time.”

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

(Photos: EJK: Reuters; Wanda Teo: GMA Network)





MADAM SECRETARY & DEATH PENALTY

9 03 2017

  1. TAKE our latest news quiz slash survey. This time, there will be no wrong answers. You just have to read. Enjoy!

1: Galit na galit ang mga opisyal ng Malacañan nang mapanood ang teaser ng latest episode ng US TV series na ‘Madam Secretary.’ Ipinakita kasi rito ang panghihipo ng isang fictional Philippine president sa babaeng US Secretary of State. Bakit napikon nang todo ang mga taga-palasyo?
A: Ang pamagat kasi ng episode ay “President First (Dapat una si presidente)”
B: Sarcastic daw ang show dahil ang gumanap na presidente ay walang pores.
C: Ang CBS kung saan ipinapalabas ang ‘Madam Secretary’ ay “bias” at “dilawan.”
D: Mas katanggap-tanggap daw kasing maakusahang murderer kaysa manyak.

2: Sa teaser ng US TV series na ‘Madam Secretary,’ ipinakita ang pagsuntok ng bidang babae sa fictional Philippine president dahil sa panghihipo nito. Galit na galit ngayon ang palasyo at ang mga ka-DDS. Kung sa totoong buhay nangyari ang panghihipo, ano ang magiging reaksyon nila?
A: “Pilyo lang talaga si Tatay Digong. Wala siyang masamang intensyon.”
B: “Presidente ‘yan ‘no! Choosy ka pa girl? #PahipoGoals”
C: “Sinungaling ‘yan! ‘Di naman kagandahan, bakit ka hihipuan?!”

3: Kung may susuntukin pang fictional Filipino government official sa nasabi ring palabas, sino ang gusto mong isunod?
A: Manny Pacquiao
B: Vitaliano Aguirre
C: Martin Andanar
D: Bato De La Rosa
E. Alan Peter Cayetano
F: Honorable MTRCB Board Member Mocha Uson
G: “Bias” ang tanong na ito. Ang daming choices. Pagsabay-sabayin na lang mga ‘yan!

4: Noong Lunes, nilektyuran ni Manny Pacquiao ang self-confessed Davao Death Squad henchman na si retired police officer Arturo Lascañas tungkol sa “spiritual renewal.” Ayon kay Pacquiao, ang tao ay “spiritually renewed” kung:
A: Hindi na nakikiapid sa mga sexy celebrities
B: Hindi na nagsusugal sa casino
C: Hindi na nandadaya sa pagbabayad ng buwis
D: Quote nang quote ng Bible verses habang ipinagtatanggol ang death penalty at ipinagdidiinang ang lifestyle ng LGBT community ay mas masahol pa kaysa sa hayop.

5: Matapos mabistong nagsinungaling sa isyu ng US citizenship, ibinasura ng Commission on Appointments ang pagkakatalaga kay Perfecto Yasay bilang Foreign Affairs Secretary. Ano ang naging reaksyon ni Yasay?
A: “Bahagi ito ng destabilization plot laban kay Pangulong Duterte.”
B. “Kagagawan ito ng mga Amerikano dahil alam nilang mas close ako sa mga Chinese!”
C: “O ano Alan Peter Cayetano, masaya ka na?”

6: Nabasura ang appointment ni Perfecto Yasay. Sabi ng palasyo, papalitan na lang ito. Nabisto kasi ang kanyang PAGSISINUNGALING. Tanong:
A: Bakit nand’yan pa si Vitaliano Aguirre?
B: Anong ginagawa ni Mocha Uson sa MTRCB?
C: Hanggang kailan sa puwesto si Martin “$1,000” Andanar?


7: Matapos mangakong paninindigan niya ang kanyang anti-death penalty stance, biglang bumaligtad ang LGBT rights advocate at kinatawan ng Bataan na si Geraldine Roman. Bumoto ito pabor sa bill. Binabatikos tuloy siya ngayon ng mga netizens. Ano ba ang naging paliwanag niya?
A: “Kebs sa mga bashers! Mas feel ko na ngayong tsugiin ang mga criminals!”
B: “Imbey ako sa reporter na ‘yan ng PTV 4. Sa truth lang, I was misquoted last year. ‘Buti na lang walang nanonood sa kanila.”
C: “Pag nag-vote ako ng NO sa bill, wit ako gibsung ni House Speaker Alvarez ng datung. Waley akong boodjei para sa mga utaw sa probinsya. Baka Hindira Gandhi ako mare-reelect sa 2019. Afraidy aguilar!”

8: Sa Kamara, 216 ang bumoto pabor sa death penalty bill, at 54 lamang ang tumutol. Bakit?
A: Kasi nga, wala sa listahan ng heinous crimes ang plunder. Ibalik n’yo ang plunder, tiyak na tututulan ng mga ‘yan ang bitay.
B: Change had come: mula sa pagiging buwaya, naging tuta naman sila noong botohan.
C: Dahil sa totoo lang, mahihirap lang naman ang tiyak na mabibitay; ‘yong mga milyonaryo sa Kongreso, ligtas na ligtas ang mga ‘yan.

9: Ang LGBT rights advocate na si Geraldine Roman, pinaboran ang death penalty bill. Pero si dating First Lady Imelda Marcos, bumoto laban dito. Ano ang masasabi mo?
A: Buhay pa pala si Imelda?!?
B: Ilang taon na ba ‘yan, 200?!
C: Masamang damo, matagal mamatay.

10: Nagrereklamo si Dante Jimenez ng Volunteers Against Crime Corruption. Hindi raw dapat sa PNP Custodial Center sa Camp Crame na-detain si Sen. Leila De Lima kundi sa ordinaryong kulungan. Unfair daw ito. Ano ang definition ng “fair” para kay Jimenez?
A: Ang pagbibigay ng immunity at special privileges sa high-profile convicted drug lords na tumestigo laban kay De Lima
B: Ang espesyal na kulungan para sa mga akusadong plunderer na sina Bong Revilla at Jinggoy Estrada
C: Extrajudicial killing – kasi “Justice delayed is justice denied” kaya mas ok ‘yung patayin na agad ang mahihirap na ‘yan. Wala nang trial-trial pa! ‘Yan ang fair.

11: Inutusan ni Mocha Uson ang kanyang mga alagad na zombies at trolls na i-invade ang Twitter. Pero mukhang bigo silang makapaghasik ng lagim sa Twitterverse dahil:
A: Mas witty ang mga tao doon kaysa sa Facebook.
B: May automatic block button sa Twitter.
C: Hindi sila maka-express ng complete thought dahil sa Twitter, 140 characters or less lang ang allowed.

12: Earlier this week, nag-trend ang “Bernard Palanca” sa Twitter. Bakit?
A: Nagkaroon siya ng “spiritual renewal”
B: Inakusahan siya ng pananakal
C: Nakipag-duet siya ng ‘Flashlight’ kay Jessie J.
________________________________________________________________________________
“Since governments take the right of death over their people, it is not astonishing if the people should sometimes take the right of death over governments.”
~Guy de Maupassant

Sound Bites
“I need not do that. Hindi na kailangan. I will not create a DDS, may police department ako.”
~President Duterte on his alleged ties with the so-called Davao Death Squad (DDS)


“Tell your brother, he killed a mountain.”
~DENR Sec. Gina Lopez to Cong. Ronnie Zamora during her confirmation hearing. 3/8/2017

That’s how you celebrate International Women’s Day!

[Photos: CBS Corp; Yasay: Geremy Pintolo/PhilStar; Roman: Jervis Manahan; Gina Lopez: Grig Montegrande/Inquirer]





BORED MEMBER: RATED SPG

21 02 2017

STARLET MOCHA USON has threatened to resign from the board of the MTRCB. On Facebook, the former sex blogger and adult performer slammed fellow board members for rejecting “change” in the agency. She also ranted against alleged lewd scenes in two ABS-CBN programs. Uson said, “Nakalulusot din ang mga malalaswang eksena na ipinagmamalaki pa ng mga TV network. Kung ayaw nila sa pagbabagong ito dahil sa may mga taong ayaw ng pagbabago, magre-resign po tayo.”

The other day, we caught up with the Queen of Duterte Trolls and Fanatics, and we’re sharing with you the transcript of our brief conversation with her. Ang susunod na panayam ay Rated SPG: Istriktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maselang tema, lenggwahe, karahasan, SEKSWAL, horror at droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.

MOCHA, kumusta ka na?

Ok lang naman. Ano po ba ang kailangan n’yo? Medyo busy po tayo sa pagsisilbi sa bayan eh.

Grabe naman. Nakakaisang tanong pa lang ako! Presidente ka?!?

Hindi naman sa ganun. Busy lang talaga. Ano na pong tanong?

Ang dami kasing naninibago sa ‘yo. Ikaw na raw yata ang biggest change in the world sa past 10 years.

Kailangan na po talaga kasi natin ng tunay na pagbabago. At naniniwala akong dapat itong simulan sa ating mga sarili.

Gusto ko lang balikan ang ilan mong tweets. Ipaliwanag mo na rin. Unahin na natin ang isang ito.

mochabukaka

Kapag stressed ba, bumubukaka ka pa rin?

Hindi po ako magpapaka-ipokrito. Nami-miss ko rin naman ang pagbukaka lalo na ngayong mga panahong ito na super stressed ako. Pero mas importante na sa akin ngayon ang kapakanan ng ating bayan at ni Tatay Digong. So, hangga’t makakaya ko, pinipigilan ko.

Ano nang ginagawa mo kapag nai-stress ka?

Gumagawa na lang ako ng video para sa Facebook ko. Nagsusumbong ako sa followers ko at naglalabas ng sama ng loob sa kanila.

Ang dami mo pa ring naloloko ‘no?

Ano pong sabi n’yo?

Sabi ko, ang daming lokong-loko sa ganda mo.

Hindi naman po sa ganun. Mahal lang talaga ako ng mga Ka-DDS kaya kahit anong sabihin ko, paniwalang-paniwala sila. Bakit ka pa bubukaka kung marami namang napapaniwala?

May point ka. Punta na tayo sa iyong next tweet.

mochaundie

Ngayong nasa gobyerno ka na, isusulong mo pa rin ba ang National No Underwear Day?

Naku, mahirap po yata ‘yan lalo na kung kasama mo sa kuwarto si Tatay Digong. Medyo awkward na.

In short, change. Nagbago na rin ang isip mo, tama?

Tama po. Mas importante na si Pangulong Duterte kesa sa maaliwalas na pu**.

Ang bastos mo naman!

Pasensya na po. Nabigla lang. ‘Tsaka medyo na-miss ko ang ganung lenggwahe. Hihihi

Malibog ka ba?

Grabe s’ya! Baka nakakalimutan mo po, MTRCB board member na ako. Konting respeto naman.

May masama ba sa tanong ko?

Hindi po dapat ginagamit ang ganyang word kasi hindi ‘yan pambata. Baka may mga minor na nagbabasa ng interview na ito, nakakahiya.

Nahiya ka ba nang i-tweet mo ito?

mochalibog

May tanong pa ba kayo? Nagmamadali ako eh.

Galit na galit ka raw sa dalawang shows ng ABSCBN dahil may ipinapakitang kalaswaan?

Totoo po ‘yon. Ang ipinagtataka ko lang, bakit pumayag ang MTRCB na ipakita ang kalaswaang ‘yun? Inaabuso ng TV network na ‘yan ang SPG rating. Sa akin kasi, hindi dapat tinu-tolerate ang kababuyan sa telebisyon! WALANG LUGAR SA LIPUNAN ANG KALASWAAN!

Mabuhay ka Ka-DDS! Punung-puno ka talaga ng wisdom. ‘Note to self’ ba itong tweet mong ‘to?

mochanagmamalinis

Ayaw ko na pong patulan ‘yan. Sige po, aalis na ako.

Huling tanong na lang: Malaswa ba ang larawang ito?

mochaduterte

Wala pong malaswa sa picture na ‘yan. Ang nakikita ko lang d’yan ay mukha ng tunay na pagbabago. Mabuhay ka Tatay Digong. Salamat po.

Wait! Super last na talaga. Sagutin mo na lang ang sarili mong tanong sa Twitter:

mochadoggie

Ay grabe. Slut-shaming.

Anong slut-shaming? Huwag mong idamay ang mga slut! Nananahimik sila!

Ayoko pong sagutin. Masyadong malaswa. Walang lugar ang kalaswaan sa ating lipunan. Bye.
————————————————————————————————————–
“The only thing worse than a liar is a liar that’s also a hypocrite!”
~Tennessee Williams

Sound Bites
“Ikaw naman. Nalaman ko, hindi ka um-attend ng board meeting. At pag andun ka naman, hindi ka naman daw vocal sa mga concerns mo. Sumbong ka na lang nang sumbong sa taumbayan ng mga reklamo mo. I-translate mo yang mga reklamo mo sa pagkilos kung gusto mo talaga ng tunay na pagbabago. Ganun dapat.”
~Showbiz reporter/manager Ogie Diaz to Mocha Uson

#Burn

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: @MochaUson Tweets; Duterte: Grig Montegrandre/Inquirer.net]





NOW SHOWING

27 12 2016

HERE’S your complete guide to HMMMPFF 2016.

1xmas
DIE BEAUTIFUL
Synopsis: Si Sassha Sutsot ay isang parlorista na huminto sa paggamit ng droga nang maging presidente si Rodrigo Duterte. Isang araw, habang mini-makeup-an ang sarili, ni-raid ng mga nagpakilalang pulis ang kanyang parlor. Sa sobrang gulat at takot, nahawakan ni Sassha ang isang nail cutter. Nang makita ng mga pulis ang nail cutter, sumigaw ang mga ito: Sige bakla, manlaban ka! Manlaban ka nang makita mo ang hinahanap mo!

Manlalaban kaya si Sassha Sutsot? Bubuhayin kaya siya ng mga pulis? Sakto na ba ang kanyang makeup sakaling may mangyaring masama? Mamamatay kaya siyang maganda?

VINCE & KATH & JAMES
Synopsis: Very popular sa kanilang school si Kath kaya’t hinikayat siyang tumakbong presidente ng student council. Tatakbo namang vice president si James at gusto nitong maging runningmate ni Kath kaya’t kinulit niya ito. Pinuntahan pa nga niya ito sa kanilang bahay. Dahil sa pamimilit ni James, pumayag rin si Kath. Ngunit nang kampanya na, ilang beses nag-joke si Kath na baka ang manalong vice president ay hindi ang kanyang running mate kundi ang ubod nang yamang si Vince, ang mahigpit na kaaway ni James.

Pagdating ng eleksyon, nanalo si Kath. Talo pareho sina Vince at James. Pero si James, hindi tumigil ng kasisipsip at kasusunod kay Kath dahil umaasa ito ng endorsement mula sa dalaga sa susunod na eleksyon. Si Vince naman, hindi matanggap ang pagkatalo for vice president at nag-file ng protesta.

Hanggang kailan magiging tuta ni Kath si James? Siya kaya ang sunod na iendorso ng dalaga? Bakit ayaw pang tanggapin ni Vince ang pagkatalo? Dahil ba marami silang pera at kaya nitong gastusan ang manual recount of votes? Totoo kaya ang tsismis na meron nang teenage son si Vince sa London at itinatago niya ito dahil ubod nang bobo ang binatilyo? Sandro kaya ang name ng anak ni Vince? Malamang. Bakit sinagot ko ang aking tanong? Ang bobo.

KABISERA
Synopsis: Naninirahang mag-isa sa kanyang mansion ang hacienderong si Benito. May kanya-kanya na kasing pamilya ang kanyang mga kapatid at siya na lamang ang naiwang walang asawa.

Umaga, tanghali, gabi… mag-isa siyang kumakain habang nakaupo sa kabisera ng mahabang mesa sa maluwang na kusina ng mala-palasyong tahanan. Ngunit sa kabila ng yaman, malungkot si Benito. Hindi ito ang inasam niyang buhay. Ayaw niyang mamatay na nag-iisa.

Oras na ba para muling humanap ng babaeng mamahalin si Benito? Hindi pa ba huli ang lahat? Bakit ba tila mailap ang pag-ibig sa kanya? Dahil ba lagi siyang may ubo at plema? Kailan niya ititigil ang paninigarilyo?

SAVING SALLY
Synopsis: Sally Lim ang kanyang tunay na pangalan, a suspected drug lord. Nang makasama sa listahan ng high-profile drug targets, sumuko si Sally sa mayor ng kanilang siyudad. Galit sa droga ang kanilang mayor at binantaang papatayin si Sally kapag nagkita sila. Ngunit sa ‘di inaasahang pangyayari, natameme ang mayor nang makaharap si Sally. Nagpakita kasi ng maraming pictures si Sally kung saan kasama niya sa iba’t ibang okasyon si Mayor: may kasal, binyag, libing, tuli, Miss Gay pageant at Mr. Bikini Superhotbodies. Nang makita ang mga litrato, nagbago ng isip si Mayor. Sa halip na patayin, pinatakas nito si Sally.

Nasaan na si Sally Lim? Bumalik pa kaya siya sa Pilipinas? Bakit ganun siya ka-close kay Mayor? Totoo bang may kinikilingan, may pinuprotekahan at may kasinungalingan si Mayor? Bakit ba tanong pa tayo nang tanong eh alam naman natin ang sagot?

SUNDAY BEAUTY QUEEN
Synopsis: Modernong babae si Mookah. Ginagamit nito ang kanyang katawan para kumita. Ngunit nabago ang takbo ng kanyang buhay nang manalong congressman ang isang dati niyang kliyente. Pinahinto siya nito sa paghuhubad. Dahil malakas ang hatak sa publiko lalo na sa mga kalalakihan, ginawa siyang PR consultant ng kongresista. Siya rin ang in-charge sa paninira sa mga kalaban ng pulitiko gamit ang kanyang sikat na blog sa Facebook, ang Mookah Mo Uupuan Ko.

Recently, na-appoint siyang Ambassadress for Hadhad, Buni, and Alipunga Prevention na ikinataas ng kilay ng mga dermatologists. Wala raw kasi itong sapat na background sa trabaho. Deadma si Mookah sa mga kritiko.

Ano ang susunod na puwestong ibibigay kay Mookah? Special envoy for garbage collection? Presidential adviser for TODA concerns? Commissioner for live webcam shows? ANO PA?!? ANO!!!??? Also, bakit ganito ang title ng movie? Sunday Beauty Queen pero walang kunek sa synopsis? Bakit parang nanloloko? Si Mookah rin ba ang may pakana ng misinformation na ito?

SEKLUSYON
Synopsis: Sina Leni at Patricia ay mga bagong salta sa bayan ng San Isidro. Volunteer social workers ang dalawa at tumutulong sa mahihirap na residente. Isang araw, naka-receive sila ng text message mula sa kapitan:

Madam Leni and Madam Patricia,
Sabi ni Kap, tigilan n’yo na raw ang ginagawa n’yo. Feelingera raw kayong dalawa. Feeling n’yo raw kayo lang ang magaling. Feeling n’yo raw walang ginagawang mabuti si Kap. Kaya mabuti pa, lumayas na kayo. Or else, ipatatapon kayo ni Kap sa isang secluded na lugar!

Walang nagawa si Leni. Umalis siya sa nasabing bayan at ipinagpatuloy ang gawain sa ibang lugar. Ngunit naiwan si Patricia at pinanindigang walang sinumang makapipigil sa kanyang trabaho.

Ano ang gagawin ni Mayor upang mapalayas sa kanilang lugar si Patricia? Sisiraan din kaya nila ito katulad ng ginawa nila kay Leni? Bakit pilit na pilit ang title ng pelikulang ito? At bakit pilit na pilit din ang synopsis? Ganun ba talaga kahirap magpatawa?

ORO
Synopsis: Tatlong buwan nang nakaburol ang pinatalsik sa puwestong si Gov. Fernando Narcos. Nangangamoy na nga ang bangkay ng matanda dahil hindi pala ito binalsamo bilang pagsunod sa kanyang huling hiling. Hindi mailibing si Narcos sa pinakamalapit na sementeryo dahil sa pagtutol ng taumbayan. Noong nasa puwesto pa kasi ang gobernador, ibinulsa nito ang milyun-milyong pisong kinita ng kapitolyo mula sa mga minahan ng ginto sa kanilang lalawigan.

Nag-demand ang mga residente na ibalik ng pamilya Narcos ang kanilang ninakaw. Ngunit dahil ubod nang kapal ang mukha ng biyuda at mga anak ng gobernador, deadma sila sa panawagan ng taumbayan.

Isang araw, nagulat na lang ang publiko nang mabalitaang palihim na inililibing ang pumanaw na gobernador. Sumugod sila sa sementeryo upang magprotesta. Naabutan nila doon ang buong pamilya Narcos. Nagkaroon ng sigawan, sumbatan at murahan. Sa gitna ng kaguluhan, nagsalita ang panganay na anak ng gobernador, si Noemi at nagbantang tutusukin ng kanyang matulis na baba ang sinumang pipigil sa libing ng kanyang ama. Ngunit hindi nagpasindak ang taumbayan.

Saan hahantong ang komprontasyon? Ituloy kaya ni Noemi ang kanyang banta? Bakit namamaga ang mukha ng kapatid na lalaki ni Noemi na si Gonggong? Totoo kayang umiinom ng formalin tablets ang kanilang inang si Esmeralda kaya’t hindi mamatay-matay? Baka nga.

ANG BABAE SA SEPTIC TANK
Synopsis: Matapang na babae si Leila. Kinalaban niya ang isang mayor na sangkot sa sunud-sunod na patayan sa kanilang bayan. Dahil dito, napag-initan ng mga tauhan ni Mayor si Leila. Inakusahan nila ito ng drug trafficking, pornography, adultery, acts of lasciviousness, indecent exposure, prostitution, at sexting with a married subordinate. Dahil ‘di pa rin matinag-tinag si Leila, dinukot ito ng mga tauhan ni Mayor at inihulog sa isang septic tank.

Makaahon pa kaya si Leila mula sa pagkakalubog? Humihinga kaya siya habang lumalangoy sa dumi ng tao? Paano kung malunok niya ito? Ngayong ubod na siya nang baho, makahanap pa kaya siya ng lalaking magmamahal sa kanya? Bakit si Leila may love life, ikaw wala? Hindi ka ba nai-insecure?

Suportahan po natin ang pelikulang Pilipino. Panoorin ang lahat ng entries. Maraming salamat po!
—————————————————————————————————————————-
“Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures.”
~Jessamyn West

Soundbites
From Mocha Uson, MMFF 2016 Ambassadress (Whatever that means)

1

I can’t even.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.





DON’T LOSE HOPE…

24 12 2016

1htgawm
THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS.

1xmas
Have a safe Christmas & an even safer New Year!
——————————————————————————————–
“Men who thought of themselves as gods fell the farthest, and the hardest.”
~Nenia Campbell, ‘Cease and Desist’





MAY NAG-TEXT!

6 12 2016

1untitled
BANNED
DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, ‘wag na siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Pare naman, ba’t ako ang magsasabi eh hindi naman ako ang pangulo?

DUTERTE: Mismo! Sino bang pangulo? Ikaw o ako?

BONG GO: Ikaw.

DUTERTE: So sino ang masusunod?

BONG GO: Ako.

DUTERTE:

BONG GO: Heto na po ite-text na!

1bongdutz-rappler
The Choice
DUTERTE: Pare, sabihan mo si Leni, simula sa Lunes, ‘wag na ‘wag na siyang a-attend ng kahit anong Cabinet meeting.

BONG GO: Sige pare. Sasabihan ko na.

DUTERTE: Teka muna! Paano nga pala ‘yong tuhod na lagi kong tinititigan?

BONG GO: Pare, you have to decide. Tuhod o Bongbong? Alin ang mas gusto mo?

DUTERTE: ‘Tang inang tanong ‘yan pare! Tuhod ‘yon ng babae. Si Bongbong, lalaki!

BONG GO:

DUTERTE: Bongbong siyempre. #MarcosPaRin

The Text Message
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening Madam Vice President. ‘Wag ka na raw umattend ng meetings sabi ni Bong Go.

LENI: Wait. Sino po ulit ang nagsabi? Si Bong Go ho ba o ang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.

LENI: Akala ko si presidente.

EVASCO: Oo nga.

LENI: Huh? Sino bang presidente?

EVASCO: Si Bong Go.

LENI:

EVASCO: Sorta.

1dutzevasco
The Text Message II
BONG GO: Pareng Jun, i-text mo si Leni. ‘Wag na raw siyang umattend ng Cabinet meeting sabi ni Presidente.

SECRETARY EVASCO: Teka pare. Ba’t ako ang magsasabi? Sino bang inutusan ni Presidente?

BONG GO: Ako.

EVASCO: Eh ‘di ikaw ang mag-text.

BONG GO: Wala akong load eh.

EVASCO: Pasahan kita.

BONG GO: Lobat na ako eh.

EVASCO: Pahiramin kita ng charger.

BONG GO: Android ‘to eh. iPhone ka.

EVASCO: ‘Tang ina naman. Wala kang bayag! Sige na nga, ite-text ko na!

The Text Message III
LENI: Hi Secretary Go. Nag-text si CabSec Jun Evasco. ‘Wag na raw akong a-attend ng meeting starting Monday. At ikaw raw ang nagpapasabi. Totoo ba?

BONG GO:

LENI: ‘Pag ‘di kasi ako umattend ng Cabinet meeting, mai-skip ko ‘yong trabaho ko. So totoo ba ‘yong tinext ni CabSec Jun?

BONG GO:

LENI: Secretary Go, last text ko na ‘to. Can you confirm na hindi na ako pinaa-attend ng Cabinet meeting?!? Please reply.

BONG GO: Uy Bongbong, ano bang isasagot ko dito kay VP Leni? Sunud-sunod ang text eh.

LENI:

BONG GO: Ooops. Sorry po. Wrong send.

Resignation Letter
LENI: I accepted the appointment as Chairperson of the Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council (HUDCC) given our shared commitment to the poor and marginalized.

DUTERTE: O, tapos?

LENI: I have exerted all effort to put aside our differences, maintain a professional working relationship, and work effectively despite the constraints because the Filipino people deserve no less.

DUTERTE: Ano pa?

LENI: However, your directive for me to “desist from attending all Cabinet meetings” has effectively made it impossible for me to do my job. Remaining in your Cabinet has become untenable.

DUTERTE: Ang tagal naman ng “With due respect… “

LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

DUTERTE *typing*
Dear Bongbong, You’re welcome. Merry Christmas!

1leni-inquirer
The Text Message IV
SECRETARY EVASCO: Gd evening again Madam Vice President. Ipinasasabi ni Bong Go na may kapalit ka na raw bilang housing czar.

LENI: Wala pong problema. Pero ang bilis! Wala pang 24 hours, nakahanap agad. Sino po bang kapalit ko?

EVASCO: Ako.

LENI:

EVASCO:

LENI:

EVASCO: Txt back.

Heavy Heart
LENI: With due respect, I am tendering my resignation as HUDCC Chairperson effective immediately.

ANDANAR: The President accepts your resignation as housing czar. With a heavy heart.

LENI:

ANDANAR: Czaring!

1bong-inquirer
IN OTHER NEWS…
Denied
BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba idi-dismiss ng Korte Suprema ang kaso ko ‘pag nasa pwesto ka na?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?

BONG REVILLA: Si Bong.

DUTERTE: Marcos?

BONG REVILLA: Hindi! Si Bong, Bong Revilla!

DUTERTE: Sorry, choppy ka, choppy. Text ka ulit.

Denied II
BONG REVILLA: Manong Digong, akala ko ba mananalo ako sa kaso pag-upo mo?

DUTERTE: Sino ‘to?

BONG REVILLA: Si Bong! Bong Revilla.

DUTERTE: Teka naman, isa-isa lang. Kapapanalo lang ng Marcos burial eh. Baka mahalata.

BONG REVILLA: So pa’no? Ganun na lang ‘yun?! Matapos ka naming papanalunin sa Cavite, kakalimutan mo na ako? Matapos kang mangakong lalaya ako bago mag-Pasko, iiwan mo ako? Matapos akong umasang madi-dismiss ang kaso, ganyan ang sasabihin mo?!?

DUTERTE: Manahimik ka tangna mu! Ako ba ang nagbulsa ng 200 million? Ako ba ang kakuntsaba ni Janet Napoles? Ako ba ang nakinabang sa pork barrel?

BONG REVILLA:

DUTERTE: Sorry naman! Nagtatanong lang. Hindi ako nagbibintang.
____________________________________________________________________________
“Tyranny seldom announces itself…In fact, a tyranny may exist without an individual tyrant. A whole government, even a democratically elected one, may be tyrannical.”
~Joseph Sobran

1bongdutz-rappler
Sound Bites
“This is not the time for fear. It is a time for conviction. It is a time for courage.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Fight on.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte/Bong Go: Inquirer.net; Leni Robredo: Inquirer.net; Jun Evasco/Duterte: Inquirer.net]





CLIMAX: CONGRESS UNCENSORED

25 11 2016

IF THERE’S a case against Leila De Lima, she must be charged and tried in the court of law. If the allegations are proven to be true, she must face the consequences of her actions. But first, Leila De Lima must be shamed – at least according to Filipino congressmen and their online cheering squad.

Just when you thought, the Lower House couldn’t get lower, Nov. 24 happened. In case you missed it, here’s the unedited, uncensored transcript of the sexually-charged portions of Thursday’s hearing at the House of Representatives.

1house
SEX
Congressman A: Minahal mo ba si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Minahal ko po.

Congressman A: Totoong pagmamahal?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman A: Kung ganun, ilang beses kayo nagse-sex noon sa loob ng isang linggo?

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong kuneksyon niyan sa droga?

Congressman A: I would like to remind you Mr. Witness. You are under oath! Inuulit ko: ILANG BESES KAYO NAGSE–SEX SA LOOB NG ISANG LINGGO?!

Ronnie Dayan: Sige, sumigaw pa kayo. Ilakas n’yo pa para malaman ng lahat kung gaano kayo kaatat magtanong tungkol sa sex! May mikropono na, sumisigaw pa. Sige, heto ang mikropono ko para dalawa na. Go, sigaw pa! Pati sexual position, gusto n’yong ikuwento ko?

Congressman A:

Ronnie Dayan:

Congressman A: ‘To naman. Nagtatanong lang. Ang dami agad sinabi!

UNDER OATH
Congressman B: Ikaw ba ay nangulekta ng pera mula sa drug lords sa Bilibid para kay De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman B: Sigurado ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman B: I am reminding you, you are under oath.

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi nga eh. ‘Tang ina.

Congressman B:

Ronnie Dayan: Sorry naman. Na-carried away lang. Ang kulit n’yo kasi.

TAKSIL!
Congressman C: Ito na lang: kung hindi ka nangulekta ng drug money sa Bilibid para kay De Lima, minahal mo ba siya?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo.

Congressman C: Ilang years naging kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Pito po.

Congressman C: Ibig sabihin, nagtaksil ka sa iyong asawa?!?

Ronnie Dayan: Sino po bang hindi nagtaksil sa asawa? SA MGA CONGRESSMAN NA NANDITO NGAYON, SAGUTIN N’YO PO AKO, SINO SA INYO ANG HINDI NAGTAKSIL SA ASAWA? IKAW SIR, HINDI KA BA NAGTAKSIL SA IYONG ASAWA? SINO SI CATHERINE, ‘YONG DATING SCHOLAR MO SA PROBINSYA NA GINAWA MONG RESEARCH ASSISTANT?!? SAGOT!!!

Congressman C:

Ronnie Dayan: Nagtatanong lang sir. Kung ayaw mong sagutin, ‘k lang. Walang pilitan.

NECESSARY
Female Solon: This line of questioning is necessary to establish your closeness to Senator De Lima. Sana ay maintindihan kami ng publiko. Moving on, may asawa ka ‘di ba?

Ronnie Dayan: Opo. May asawa po ako.

Female Solon: May asawa ka pero nakiapid ka kay De Lima. May mga anak kayo pero iniwan mo ang iyong misis para sa kanya. Anong klaseng asawa ka? Anong klaseng ama ka? At anong klaseng tao ka?

Ronnie Dayan: Bakit ganyan ka manghusga ma’am? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ipatayo mo ang Cebu International Convention Center noong 2006 na walang public bidding? Hinusgahan ba kita nang sampahan ka ng 11 counts of graft ng Ombudsman? Hinusgahan ba kita nang ma-indict ka dahil sa katiwalian?

Female Solon:

Ronnie Dayan: No further questions ma’am. You may proceed. Thank you.

1belar
CLIMAX
Congressman D: Ang pagmamahal mo ba kay De Lima ay tapat, wagas, at dalisay?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po sir.

Congressman D: Ibig sabihin, hindi lang ito init ng katawan?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman D: Saan ito nag-climax?

Ronnie Dayan: Ba’t po ganyan ang inyong mga tanong?

Congressman D: ‘Wag mo akong husgahan gago. In aid of masturbation legislation ang ginagawa namin.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Congressman E: Totoo bang nag-away din kayo ni De Lima noon?

Ronnie Dayan: Totoo po sir. Kasi nalaman kong may iba na s’ya.

Congressman E: Anong ginawa mo noong nag-away kayo?

Ronnie Dayan: Sinampal ko po siya sir.

Congressman E: SINAMPAL MO!?!? Ka-babaeng tao sinaktan mo? Wow. Sana nag-isip ka muna.

Ronnie Dayan: Sana sir inisip n’yo rin ‘yan bago n’yo sinaktan ang asawa n’yo noon!

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Tumatakas pa nga siya noon para makaiwas sa pananakit n’yo ‘di ba?!?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: Humingi pa nga s’ya noon ng tulong sa women’s groups ‘di ba?

Congressman E:

Ronnie Dayan: And worse, nang ‘di na niya makayanan

Congressman E: ‘Tang ina mo manahimik ka gago!!%$# Mr. Chair, I move for a one-minute suspension.

SEX VIDEO 1
Congressman F: Totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po. Eh kayo sir, totoo ba ang tsismis na may sex video kayo ng dating sexy actress na si V***** V**** noong 1980s?

Congressman F: Dapat kasi ‘di na ako nagtanong eh. No further questions Mr. Chair.

1harry-roque
SALAT
Congressman G: Sabi mo, may dinala kang pera kay De Lima galing kay Kerwin Espinosa pero ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Congressman G: Sigurado kang pera? Bakit ‘di mo alam kung magkano?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po sinilip. Sinalat ko lang.

Congressman G: Ang hilig mo kasing magsalat!

Ronnie Dayan: Ano pong pangalan n’yo sir?

Congressman G: Harry. I am Congressman Harry Roque.

Ronnie Dayan: Ang baboy n’yo po.

Congressman G:

Ronnie Dayan: Joooke.

KABIT
Female Solon 2: So inaamin mong naging kayo talaga ni Senator De Lima.

Ronnie Dayan: Tama po.

Female Solon 2: Pamilyado kang tao. Ibig sabihin, kabit mo si De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi ko po itinatanggi.

Female Solon 2: No further questions Mr. Chair.

Ronnie Dayan: Excuse me ma’am, kayo po ba si Congresswoman Baby Arenas?

Female Solon 2: Oo, ako nga. Bakit?

Ronnie Dayan: Kababayan ko po si dating Pangulong Ramos.

Female Solon 2:

Ronnie Dayan; #justsaying

SEX VIDEO 2
Congressman X: Totoo bang may sex video kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Sex video po??

Congressman X: Oo! SEX VIDEO!

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: I am reminding you Mr. Dayan: you are still under oath! Again, ang tanong ko: may sex video ba kayo ni De Lima?

Ronnie Dayan: Wala po.

Congressman X: So hindi totoo ‘yung napanood ko sa Pornhub.com?

Ronnie Dayan: Hindi po.

Congressman X: Edited lang ‘yong nakita ko sa MangKanor.net?

Ronnie Dayan: Malamang sir.

Congressman X: Punyeta! Bukas na bukas din, I am going to file a bill that will punish people who upload fake videos on porn sites. Panloloko ang ginagawa ng mga ‘yan!
—————————————————————————————————————-
“Did freedom have to mean abolishing common decency?”
~Francine Rivers, ‘A Voice in the Wind’

Sound Bites
“It is not surprising that there is a surge in the number of sexual harassment cases against our women both online and off. The dishonorable behavior of our lawmakers has reinforced this despicable culture since the beginning of these investigations.”
~Sen. Risa Hontiveros

Bay of pigs.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Screen caps: Rappler]





LET THERE BE LIGHT (2016)

12 11 2016

untitled
Light bulb jokes, anyone?

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One but it will probably take him 3 to 6 months (or even longer) to accomplish it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to buy a new bulb from China and another to change it.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the universe revolves around him.

Q: How many President Dutertes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to curse America out of habit.

Q: How many Vitaliano Aguirres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insist that Leila De Lima was responsible for the old bulb burning out.

Q: How many high-profile inmates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends. What do they get in return?

Q: How many Leila De Limas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to initiate a probe on the possible involvement of President Duterte in the old light bulb’s death.

Q: How many General Bato De la Rosas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but he’ll only do it in front of TV cameras and photographers.

Q: How many palace spokespersons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least five. One to change it and four to interpret what just happened.

Q: How many Alan Peter Cayetanos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to downplay the light bulb’s “death” saying more light bulbs “died” during the previous administration.

Q: How many Kris Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to tease the ‘event’ on Instagram, another to officially announce it in a presscon, and the third to actually change it.

Q: How many Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 14. Five to change it and nine to bury the burnt bulb at the Libingan ng mga Bayani.

Q: How many Official Gazette editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the new bulb and another to screw it in again – but with a new twist.

Q: How many Duterte fanatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t because the light bulb is “dilawan” and they hate anything “yellow.”

Q: How many Mocha Usons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and another to insinuate on Facebook that the “dead” light bulb took drugs and it deserved to die.

Q: How many Sandro Marcoses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is: does he even know what a light bulb is?

Q: How many La Salle basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to import a reliable and really good light bulb and another to shout “Animo La Salle” while the third is changing it.

Q: How many UST basketeers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would rather change their coach.

Q: How many UP Pep Squad members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They rather not. Maybe next year.

Q: How many Alma Morenos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Dasal lang. Dasal lang talaga.
————————————————————————————————————————
“To fight evil, you have to understand the dark.”
~Nalini Singh, ‘Heart of Obsidian’

Soundbites
“President Duterte, please give me a chance. I hope one day mamahalin mo rin ako.”
~Kris Aquino on Duterte’s snub of a scheduled interview

Do not insist.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo courtesy of Vector Stock and Mochablogger]





“LET IT GO!”

9 11 2016

VOTING 9-5, the Supreme Court allowed the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani as ordered by no less than President Duterte. The decision came out on the anniversary of Typhoon Yolanda as if reminding us all that this government can be as destructive.

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With the Supreme Court’s decision, the refrigerated body of the late dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos will soon be interred at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. From sub-zero to hero.

Reacting to the High Court’s ruling, the dictator’s eldest daughter Imee said, “’Wag na tayong magdebate. Kung anuman ang ating galit, hinanakit sa inyong puso, let it go.” Imee’s reaction and the late dictator’s body have something in common: frozen.

Petitioners will ask the Supreme Court to reconsider. Looking at history, the nine justices won’t likely reverse. They revise.

1imee
Nine justices of the Supreme Court allowed the burial of dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The nine justices have been invited to write for the government’s Official Gazette.

Citing Marcos’s human rights record during martial law, Sen. Grace Poe said the late dictator should not be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. It was the harshest reaction yet from a member of the Marcos family.

Meanwhile, world champion boxer Manny Pacquiao told the media, “Ang Panginoon nga nakakapagpatawad, tayo pa kaya?” proving yet again that talking to him is a complete waste of time.

The Supreme Court voted to allow the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Marcos’s grandson, Sandro hailed the decision saying it “makes sense in the long term, at least for now.”

lnnb
After months of waiting, the Supreme Court has decided to allow the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Finally, Marcos loyalists believe, his spirit can now “cross over.” Yup! To hell.

Security will be tight during the burial of the late dictator Ferdinand E. Marcos. The only thing tighter will be Imelda’s face.
———————————————————————————————————————-
“Lack of accountability weakens democracy, justice, human rights, and international security.”
~Widad Akreyi, Danish human right activist

Soundbites
“For the Court to pretend that the present dispute is a simple question of the entitlement of a soldier to a military burial is to take a regrettably myopic view of the controversy. It would be to disregard historical truths and legal principles that persist after death. As important, it would be to degrade the State’s duty to recognize the pain of countless victims of Marcos and Martial Law. Regardless of the promised national unity that the proposed burial will bring, I cannot, in good conscience, support such an expedient and shortsighted view of Philippine history.”
~Chief Justice Ma. Lourdes Sereno

#MarcosNOTaHero

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Imee Marcos: Danny Pata/GMA News; LNMB: Corregidor.com]





MONKEYS

3 11 2016

SIX DRUG USERS were killed by unknown assailants in Mandaluyong and Pasig last October 31. The gruesome murders were dubbed by the media as “Halloween massacre” and by Malacañang as “campaign promise.”

Post-Halloween
President Duterte spent the Halloween weekend with his family in Davao City. His grandchildren enjoyed their costume party. Some of them arrived as Marvel superheroes while some as Disney characters. But one apo, who tried to scare his lolo, caught the ire of the President when he arrived as a ‘human rights advocate.’

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Broken Promise
A week after God “talked” to him while on a plane from Tokyo, President Duterte broke his promise not to use another cuss word. Cursing yet again the United States for reportedly scrapping an arms deal, Duterte called the Americans “monkeys.” Apparently, Duterte never saw the irony in calling them that.

Broken Promise II
When God allegedly threatened to bring down the plane carrying him from Tokyo, President Duterte vowed not to swear again. The other day though, he broke his promise. God can’t wait to board Duterte’s next flight to Malaysia.

The Fall
Citing our foul-mouthed president’s cursing of trading partners, Credit Suisse Group AG and Rabobank Groep predict the peso will weaken past 50 per dollar next year. In the words of Michelle Obama, “When Duterte goes low, the peso goes lower.”

Pacquiao
President Duterte said Manny Pacquiao should knock out welterweight champion Jessie Vargas in the early rounds of their scheduled fight this weekend. To be specific, Duterte wants Pacquiao to finish off Vargas in 3 to 6 rounds.

Safety First
A proposed bill in Congress will require PUV drivers to undergo and pass a mandatory traffic test to keep our roads safe. In response, angry PUV drivers said lawmakers must undergo and pass a mandatory honesty test to keep our taxes safe.

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Filipino
Foreign Affairs Sec. Perfecto Yasay has denied an online report he has dual citizenship. Yasay insisted, “I am not an American. I am a Filipino in thought, in word, and in deed. Xie xie!”

Imelda
Miss Earth Philippines Imelda Schweighart was in the news recently for her bad behavior. Apparently, Schweighart has been badmouthing a fellow Miss Earth candidate. The fearless Palawan native who is not afraid to speak her mind has since resigned as Miss Earth-Philippines to focus on her next target: the presidency of the Philippines.

The Reason?
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“Ganito kaliit ‘yong sa akin kapag ‘di ako nagmumura.
Kaya pagpasensyahan n’yo na kung ‘di ko mapigilang
mag-‘Putang ina’ araw-araw. Kailangan ko ‘yon
para mabawasan ang insecurity ko.”

Da Who?!
I am reprinting a juicy item from the Philippine Daily Inquirer written by award-winning business journalist Daxim Lucas.

Freebie-minded Cabinet official
The owner and officials of this large real estate firm couldn’t believe it.

One Duterte Cabinet official was recently at the shopping mall of this company and was being assisted by its officials, as is customary whenever a VIP guest is on the premises. And as part of their polite small talk, the mall people gave the Cabinet official the usual line: “Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.”

Well, it was soon apparent that there was something they could do for this Cabinet official and they were soon regretting their polite pro forma words. That’s because this Cabinet official asked an assistant the very next day to get in touch with the executives of the mall and ask them for 150 tickets—that’s right, 150—for a musical that was being staged in the theater owned by the firm.

Why? Well, the Cabinet official wanted other employees of the department to watch the musical, too.
But here’s the thing: This real estate company has firm guidelines when it comes to dealing with government officials, so the request was—gasp—turned down.
Instead of an outright rejection, however, the real estate firm sent this Cabinet official VIP tickets for the Cabinet official to watch the popular musical. And so the Cabinet official watched the musical. But it didn’t end there.

After the show, the Cabinet official went window-shopping at the mall and promptly found some interesting items. Thus, this official asked staffers to call the mall executives to inform them that the official wanted two pairs of designer shoes seen in the shops right that minute.

But the mall official reasoned that such a request could not immediately be granted. Instead, the stunned mall executive suggested that the shoes be sent to the Cabinet official’s office the next day.

The mall executive also rejected a suggestion by the Cabinet official’s staffer saying that the official should just be given a complimentary P50,000 spending spree, with purchases over this amount to be settled by the official.

Anyway, the shoes were promptly sent to the Cabinet official’s office the following day, with one mall executive even advancing the money for the purchase.

And you think that’s the end of the story? Nope. The shoes were sent back—to the consternation of everyone at the mall and real estate firm—because the Cabinet official said they didn’t fit correctly.
Of course, the matter has reached the tycoon who owns the mall and real estate firm who could only shake his head in disgust. Too bad they have to work with this Cabinet official’s department and agencies as part of their business operations. —

For more Bizz Buzz, click here.
—————————————————————————————————————————
“Murder is like potato chips: you can’t stop with just one.”
~Stephen King, Under the Dome

Soundbites
“Tingnan mo mga unggoy. ‘Yung 26,000 na baril na bibilhin natin sa kanila, ayaw nang ipagbili. ‘Tang ina mo!”
~Rodrigo Duterte

“Putang ina! Maski makipagsuntukan na kami sa mga drug lord na ‘yan kung kailangan, basta lang matapos natin ang giyera sa droga.”
~PNP Director General Ronald “Bato” dela Rosa on the reported scrapped arms deal with the US

Diplomacy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Bullit Marquez/Associated Press; Yasay’s Facebook; Duterte 2: Associated Press/Eugene Hoshiko]





PATAY TAYO D’YAN!

28 10 2016

FIRST & EXCLUSIVE

All Saints’ Day Message
of
His Excellency Rodrigo Roa Duterte
President of the Philippines

1dutertejapan

My countrymen:

Achtung!

I am truly happy dahil malapit na naman ang aking favorite national holiday, ang Araw ng mga Patay.

Masama ba? Pinaprangka ko lang kayo. Kung marami sa inyo ay nag-aabang ng Pasko o Valentine’s Day, ako naman, All Saints’ Day.

Simula sa taong ito, ang Araw ng mga Patay ay hindi na dapat ginugunita. Ito ay dapat sini-celebrate! Maraming rason kung bakit dapat ipagdiwang ang All Saints’ Day this year pero hindi ko na ‘yon iisa-isahin dahil masyadong marami – almost 4,000 na yata.

Hindi man sa pagmamayabang, ako ang presidenteng may pinakamalaking kontribusyon sa Araw ng mga Patay. Partida pa ‘yan, wala pa akong limang buwan sa puwesto. Tinutupad ko lang ang aking pangako noong kampanya.

If you would remember, (click here para maalala n’yo), nangako akong papatay ng lima kada linggo. Ngayon, kuwarenta’y kuwatro ang napapatay kada araw. Inuulit ko KADA ARAW! ‘Tang ina, ‘pag ‘di pa naman kayo natuwa n’yan, ewan ko na lang.

Sa mga may-ari ng punerarya at manager ng mga sementeryo, natutuwa ako dahil patuloy ang paglakas ng inyong negosyo. Kasama ‘yan sa ipinangako kong reporma sa inyo.

Sa mga taong bumabatikos sa aking pagtatrabaho, isa lang ang masasabi ko: PUTANG INA NINYO. Kinakampihan n’yo pa ang mga drug addicts at drug pusher pisti kayo.

Hindi ako natatakot mapatalsik sa pwesto, fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you some more! Seventy-one na ako, kahit patayin pa ako ng putang inang CIA na ‘yan, ok lang sa akin. Pero ito ang tandaan n’yo: habang nabubuhay ako, PUTANG INA NINYO!

Mahal ko ang aking bansa kaya pumapatay ako. Kung hindi n’yo matanggap ang ginagawa ko, magsilayas kayo, mga putang ina n’yo!

At kayong mga Amerikano, ‘di pa kayo nagso-sorry sa mga pinatay n’yong Pilipino 110 years ago. Putang ina n’yo. ‘Tapos you keep harping on the issue of human rights? How dare you!?!

Hanggang dito na lamang at sana’y maging ligtas ang biyahe n’yo pauwi sa inyong mga probinsya.

Proud ako sa patuloy n’yong pagtitiwala kahit marami sa inyo – lalo na sa social media ay nagmo-mochang tanga na sa kade-defend sa akin. Walang iwanan. Together, let us KILL THE USER AND KILL THE PUSHER!

Daghang salamat! Schasleevava pootee! Xie xie!
————————————————————————————————————————
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.”
~Albert Pine

1digong
Miss International 2016
Kylie Verzosa won the country’s sixth Miss International title. Reacting to Kylie’s victory, President Duterte said, “I am always happy if our beautiful women win all the titles. Pero lahat kayo diyan sa human rights commission, mga pangit!” Human rights commission employees refused to give a reaction. But they’ll give President Duterte a mirror.

In a speech during the pageant, Miss Philippines Kylie Versoza emphasized the importance of ‘international understanding.’ To which, President Duterte said, “What’s that?!”

Conversations
In a presscon shortly after arriving from Japan, President Duterte said God talked to him and threatened to bring the plane down if he wouldn’t stop using cuss words. When asked if He indeed talked to Duterte, God said, “Hashtag dream on!”

According to President Duterte, God talked to him while he was on the plane from Tokyo. He’s getting worse. First, psychopathy. Now, schizophrenia.

President Duterte claimed he was able to talk to God while on the plane from Japan. In the words of presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella, ‘creative imagination.’

1dutertejapan
Interview
Controversial Duterte fanatic Mocha Uson who has been critical of legitimate media organizations was recently invited by the Philippine Daily Inquirer for a sit-down interview. Apparently, the Inquirer heeded Sun Tzu’s advice: In war time, keep your friends close and your enemies, closer.

Critical of legit journalists and media outlets, Duterte fanatics and Mocha Uson labeled some news organizations like the Inquirer, ABS-CBN, GMA 7, Rappler, Philippine Star, and CNN Philippines as “presstitutes” – a portmanteau of press and prostitute. When someone told her, “Ikaw din naman ah – presstitute!” – Mocha Uson replied, “Excuse me, hindi ako press!”

Sound Bites
“I was looking at the skies as I was coming over here. And I… everybody was asleep snoring. A voice said that you know ‘If you don’t stop (inaudible), I will bring this plane down now.’ And I said, who is this? Of course, it’s God. Oh, OK. So, I promised God not to express slang, cuss words.”
~President Duterte

Be rational.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of Karl Norman Alonzo/PPD (Duterte); Kylie Versoza/Instagram; Inquirer: Mocha]





A SEPARATION

23 10 2016

“America has lost. I, in this venue, your honors, in this venue, I announce my separation from the United States both in military — not in social — both in military but economic. I am separated from them, so I will be dependent on you for all time.”
~President Duterte in Beijing, China

1duterte
IN FRONT of Chinese businessmen and Chinese Vice Premier Zhang Gaoli, President Duterte announced his “separation” from the United States and revealed his plan to talk to “President Vladimir Putin and tell him that there are three of us against the world – China, Philippines and Russia.” Shortly after, Filipinos online announced their ‘separation’ from Rodrigo Duterte.

According to President Rodrigo Duterte, it will be the triumvirate of China, Philippines and Russia “against the world.” Baffled, the world asked, “Inaano ba kita? Punyeta ka!”

Moments after announcing his “separation from the US,” President Duterte revealed his intention to tell Vladimir Putin “there are three of us against the world – China, Philippines and Russia.” Although it wasn’t reported that day, Sanity also announced its separation from Rodrigo Duterte.

Just a day after announcing in Beijing his “separation” from the United States – both military and economic, President Duterte backtracked. He said the country would not sever ties with the US – prompting the Makabayan bloc to cancel a victory party scheduled for tonight.

Exerting his best effort to interpret the President’s controversial statement, Presidential Communications chief Martin Andanar said, “It’s like a father and a son and the son has to leave the house, and the son has to marry and move to a different house.” But before leaving, the son had to curse his father and call him ‘son of a bitch’ while flashing a dirty finger.

Presidential Communications chief Martin Andanar said, “Separation is not an annulment. It’s not a divorce. It’s like a father and a son and the son has to leave the house, and the son has to marry and move to a different house.” Thank you Brother Andanar for sharing with us that engaging parable of foreign policy.

Saying we must wait for official guidelines, Presidential Communications Office Assistant Secretary Marie Banaag said the public should not “interpret” the President’s statement. Which makes sense since there’s already a government department for that.

Rowdy, Discourteous
Continuing his tirades against Westerners in front of the Chinese, President Duterte said, “Americans are a very discourteous people. They are a little bit loud, sometimes rowdy.” To be exact, Americans are the second rowdiest group of people in the world – next only to Duterte fanatics.

Quote of the Weak
Sandro Marcos continues to showcase his comedic talent online. Reacting to the President’s pronouncements in Beijing, Bongbong Marcos’s son tweeted, “Duterte shying away from the US actually makes sense in the long term, at least for now ” – forcing Agot Isidro to advise, “May kakilala akong Language teacher. Pa-tutor ka.”

Disclaimer
Before the President is allowed to deliver a speech or asked to comment on something, there must be a disclaimer. I suggest any of the following:

The views expressed by Rodrigo Duterte do not necessarily reflect the views of the government of the Republic of the Philippines or the Filipino people.

The views and opinions expressed by Rodrigo Duterte do not necessarily represent official policy or position of the Republic of the Philippines or its citizens.

Ang mga pananaw ni Rodrigo Duterte ay kanya lamang at hindi kumakatawan sa pananaw o opisyal na polisiya ng Republika ng Pilipinas at ng mga Filipino maliban na lamang sa mga panatikong oo lang nang oo sa kanyang mga sinasabi at ginagawa.

Ang talumpati o pahayag na ito ay Rated SPG: Striktong Patnubay at Gabay ng magulang ang kailangan. Maaaring may maseselang tema, lengguwahe, karahasan, pagbabanta, sekswal, homophobia, misogyny, at droga na hindi angkop sa mga bata.
————————————————————————————————————————————–
“Telling someone who is manic that he’s manic is like telling a dictator that he’s a dick. Neither is going to admit it, and both are willing to torture you to prove their points.”
~Melody Moezzi, ‘Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life’

Sound Bites
“It is not severance of ties. You say severance of ties, you cut the diplomatic relations. I cannot do that. It is in the best interest of my country that we maintain that relationship.”
~President Duterte explaining his ‘separation’ statement

SMH.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Duterte: Rappler]





PSYCHOPATH

10 10 2016

PRESIDENT DUTERTE is in office for 100 days now. When asked to rate his performance on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest, Duterte gave himself a 6; Senator Lacson gave him a 7.5, and funeral parlors gave him a plaque of appreciation.

1liberation
Serial Killer
Amid the increasing number of deaths in connection with the government’s relentless war on drugs, French newspaper ‘The Liberation’ – in a four-page banner story – dubbed Duterte a “serial killer president.” When Duterte heard about this, he Googled, “What’s ‘Go to hell!’ in French?”

Serial Killer II
French newspaper ‘The Liberation’ called Duterte a “serial killer president.” Duterte’s chief apologist in the Senate, Alan Peter Cayetano will release a statement as soon as he figures out a way to blame this on De Lima, Drilon and Trillanes.

Psychopath
In a Facebook post, actress Agot Isidro advised President Duterte to have himself checked by a psychiatrist. The actress said, “You’re not bipolar. You are a psychopath.” Duterte diehards were quick to retaliate. They called on the Bureau of Immigration to immediately deport the actress saying “she’s obviously French.”

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Psychopath II
On Facebook, actress Agot Isidro slammed President Duterte for daring the US and the European Union to withdraw their aid to the Philippines. She even called Duterte a “psychopath.” Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella defended the President saying he only wanted the Philippines to be “economically independent.” When asked if the President was a “psychopath,” Abella said, Duterte only wanted the Philippines to be “economically independent.”

Psychopath III
On Facebook, actress Agot Isidro criticized President Duterte for his series of tirades against the US, the UN, and the European Union. Isidro even advised the President to have himself checked by a psychiatrist saying he’s “a psychopath.” Presidential spokesperson Ernesto Abella said the actress was entitled to her own opinion – and then texted, “Alam mo na ang gagawin mo!” to Mocha Uson.

untitled
Psychopath IV
As expected, fanatical Duterte supporters viciously attacked Agot Isidro online. The foul-mouthed trolls told the actresss, “Putang ina mo baog! Hindi totoo ang sinabi mo. Si Tatay Digong ay hindi psicopat, pcychophath, psychopatch, sira-ulo na nga lang.”

Imagine
Last week, presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella said the public must not take the President’s words literally. Instead, he said, “Let us use our creative imagination.” For example, when the President says, “Fuck you UN!” he can’t literally fuck an organization. So just imagine the President fucking Ban Ki-Moon instead. That’s creative imagination for you right there.

Imagine II
Presidential spokesman Ernesto Abella said, President Duterte’s words must not be taken literally. For example, when the President said he would kill his children if they were into drugs, that couldn’t be true. Paolo Duterte is very much alive.

Cocaine User
Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte who has been accused of being a drug user said, “May isang senador diyan na gumagamit ng cocaine.” He made the accusation without presenting any evidence. And President Duterte was like, “Anak nga kita.”

Jesus Christ!
Reminiscing the day President Duterte offered him his current job, Presidential Communications Office chief Martin Andanar said, “This must be how the apostles felt when Jesus told them to follow Him. Like the apostles, I obeyed.” Andanar couldn’t recall though Duterte’s exact words then because they were in Aramaic.

untitled
Jesus Christ! II
Presidential Communications Office chief Martin Andanar likened himself to the apostles and President Duterte to Jesus when he offered him his current job. A mesmerized Andanar said he just “obeyed” Duterte who promised to pay him 100,000 shekels a month.

Hostage Incident
A 32-year-old man who took three people hostage at SM City Dasmariñas on Sunday afternoon was shot and killed by the police. Reports say the man entered the mall with a concealed weapon around 11 am. Shortly after, he was heard “cursing and shouting” attracting the attention of shoppers who thought President Duterte was insde the mall.

Morning Show
President Duterte has announced his upcoming morning show on PTV Channel 4. He didn’t say if it will go up against ABS-CBN’s ‘Umagang Kay Ganda’ or GMA 7’s ‘Unang Hirit’ but the show’s working title is ‘Unang Mura.’
———————————————————————————————————————————–
“Insanity is contagious.”
~Joseph Heller

Sound Bites
“Rodrigo Duterte’s first 100 days as president have been marked by state-sanctioned violence on a truly shocking scale. His brutal crackdown on those allegedly involved in drug crimes has led to carnage on the streets and the obliteration of key human rights, including the right to life and to due process.”
~Amnesty International

Elsewhere
Philippines secret death squads: officer claims police teams behind wave of killings
“Now, for the first time, a serving officer is revealing the inner workings of what he claims is an officially sanctioned, albeit secret, campaign to rid the streets of unwanted citizens.”

How Facebook algorithms impact democracy
“In every attack, Mocha Uson provides no evidence for her ad hominem accusations, but they have been shared often that many believe they are true.”

Do not be deceived.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: The Liberation; Agot Isidro Facebook; Jesus/Apostles: Eborg2.com]








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