Exclusive: UPCAT ESSAY QUESTIONS LEAKED

Tatlong hayop na ang nag-interrupt sa speech ni Duterte: ipis, langaw, at tuko. Batay sa physical appearance niya ngayon, anong hayop ang sunod na lalapit sa kanya?

Here are the leaked UPCAT essay questions. Good luck examinees!

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i’m on twitter and IG: @hecklerforever8

BREAKING: MGA KA-DDS NILAYASAN ANG FACEBOOK

Banned by Facebook for posting fake news and black propaganda, online supporters of Duterte and Marcos will transfer to Friendster.

FRIENDS OF THE DEVIL

It’s official. According to the University of the Philippines, Imee Marcos did not graduate from UP Diliman.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

OF PANTIES AND PAY HIKES

President Duterte is getting a generous pay hike. Can you guess how much does he make a month?











IMELDA, ‘ANG PROBINSYANO,’ AND POWER NAPS

Mrs. Marcos skipped the promulgation because she was reportedly sick that day – although she partied that same night.

Originally published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Nov. 18, 2018.

Imelda

A NEW research published in the journal, Pediatrics revealed that most babies (57 percent) do not sleep through the night. That explains why President Duterte missed those events at the ASEAN Summit.

Last Wednesday, President Duterte skipped several events at the 33rd ASEAN Summit in Singapore. His spokesman said he “took power naps.” To be fair, Duterte’s absence in those events was the country’s brightest moment during the five-day summit.

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Imelda Marcos has been found guilty of seven counts of graft. But the former First Lady is still running for governor of Ilocos Norte next year because she “wants to serve” her constituents. She can actually do something even better: serve her prison term.

Mrs. Marcos failed to attend the promulgation of the guilty verdict saying she was “suffering from multiple organ infirmities.” Even her organs are sick of her.

Mrs. Marcos skipped the promulgation because she was reportedly sick that day – although she partied that same night. Then on Friday, she claimed she didn’t know about the promulgation at all. Do you remember the saying, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw?” In some cases, “Ang sinungaling at magnanakaw ay iisa lang.”

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Last Friday, the Sandiganbayan allowed Imelda Marcos to post P150,000 bail for her provisional liberty – giving her yet another reason to party.

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Imelda is already 89 years old. According to a medical certificate from the St. Luke’s Medical Center, she has seven ailments. And yet, she’s still very strong and full of life. Some say it’s stem cell. Others believe it’s formalin.

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The former First Lady has yet to release an official statement on the Court’s ruling. But some sympathizers have expressed their support for her like Quezon 3rd District Rep. Danilo Suarez, Sen. Cynthia Villar, and the Philippine National Police.

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PNP chief Director General Oscar Albayalde got flak for making comments on the impending arrest of Mrs. Marcos. Albayalde said, “Baka magalit sa atin, matanda na. May edad na kasi.” Thank you Sir for letting us know who was being referred to in the PNP motto, “To serve and protect.”

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The PNP chief gave us the impression it would be difficult to arrest Imelda because of health, age, and the fact that her last name is neither De Lima nor Trillanes.

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Amid the barrage of criticisms being hurled against him on the Imelda Marcos issue, PNP chief Oscar Albayalde complained about ‘Ang Probinsyano,’ the most popular primetime series today. The distraction worked. We all fell for it. Congratulations!

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The PNP chief scored the negative depiction of policemen in the primetime series. Albayalde said the portrayal is unfair to the police force. “I so agree,” said Imelda Marcos.

PNP chief Oscar Albayalde insists the inaccurate depiction of cops in the primetime series gives a bad impression of police officers. Albayalde should be thankful. The impression would have been a lot worse if the depiction was truly accurate.

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Former Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay claimed he was cheated in the 2016 presidential elections. (No need for a punchline.)
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“It is the common people’s duty to police the police.”
~Steven Magee

Sound Bites
“Itong Australyano di ko maintindihan. Ang invitation eh ‘informal’ breakfast…Unang una hindi ako kumakain ng breakfast… Pangalawa, informal. Ano ipakakain nila sa atin? Kangaroo?”
~Rodrigo Duterte on skipping the ASEAN-Australia informal breakfast

Nope, they won’t serve you kangaroo. They’ll offer you rabies vaccine.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

[Photos: Duterte: South China Morning Post; Ang Probinsyano: PhilStar; Imelda Marcos: Associated Press]

TÊTÊ-À-TÊTÊ: WHEN TWO DICKS TALK

“What a sad, tragic, and unfortunate misuse of the national attention.”

WHEN TWO DICKS talk, is that a tête-à-tête? Asking for a friend.

In case you missed it, here are some excerpts from President Duterte’s one-and-a-half-hour tête-à-tête with Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo last September 11, 2018.

ON RICE SHORTAGE
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ON BUKBOK RICE
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ON INFLATION
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ON OPH EXCHANGE RATE
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ON BONG GO
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ON K9
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ON AMNESTY
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ON SEPT 21

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ON BAR
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ON HEALTH
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FINAL MESSAGE
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“An obsession with control generally seems to reflect a fear of uncertainty.”
~Henry Mintberg

Sound Bites
“What a sad, tragic, and unfortunate misuse of the national attention.”
~Former Solicitor General Florin Hilbay on Duterte’s têtê-à-têtê with Panelo

Indeed.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

[Photos: Philippine Star; RTVM Screen Grab]

COMING SOON: MOCHA THE REPORTER AND LECTURER

Mocha Uson has been cast in a film starring Hollywood actor and Trump supporter, Stephen Baldwin. In the movie, Uson will play the role of an honest and competent reporter – making the film the most highly-anticipated comedy of the year.

This piece first appeared in the Opinion Section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer on August 5, 2018

EARLIER this week, a number of senators took the voluntary drug test at the Senate. Unconfirmed results showed many of them were working under the influence… of Duterte.

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Controversial Communications Assistant Secretary Mocha Uson has been tapped by President Duterte’s Charter Change committee to lecture Filipinos about federalism. Members of that committee should undergo a drug test.

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Mocha Uson has been cast in a film starring Hollywood actor and Trump supporter, Stephen Baldwin. In the movie, Uson will play the role of an honest and competent reporter – making the film the most highly-anticipated comedy of the year.

The film’s producer says Uson will be “doing what she does best – reporting.” So it’s not just a comedy. It’s a fiction within a fiction.

Titled ‘Kaibigan,’ the film features Baldwin as a father trying to guide his son towards the right path. The son eventually became a city vice mayor who got involved in drug smuggling. Sorry, that’s a different movie.

Controversial former Tourism Promotions Board chief Cesar Montano will be directing the film. To ensure a hassle-free production, Montano will be supervised by Hollywood producers, industry veterans, and an internal auditor.

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Ben Tulfo’s lawyer Ferdinand Topacio says returning the P60-M his client earned from the Tourism Department’s ad placements is “a matter between Tulfo and his conscience.” In the interest of fairness, we tried to get the side of the conscience but we couldn’t locate it.

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There was a rumored assassination plot against President Duterte recently. As Filipinos, we should all be concerned about his safety. After all, he is the president of this country. We want him to be in perfect shape when he stands before the International Criminal Court.

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Presidential Assistant Bong Go insists the President is in “tiptop condition” amid rumors he is sick. Many people thought something was wrong with Duterte during his third State of the Nation Address because he didn’t utter any cuss words.

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Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo has just become the fourth highest official in the land. She is now also the second most powerful woman in the country after Sara Duterte.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson has warned that House Speaker Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo may be eyeing the post of prime minister. GMA has denied it. Among many other things.

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Reports say not a single senator is willing to defend the passage of the second package of the Tax Reform for Acceleration and Inclusion (TRAIN) law. Many lawmakers are wary about the tax measure’s effects on gas prices, inflation, and their bid for reelection.

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The Court of Appeals has affirmed a Securities and Exchange Commission ruling that Rappler is not 100 percent Filipino-owned and controlled. A social news network, Rappler has been critical of Rodrigo Duterte, the Philippine president who is suspected to be 100 percent Chinese-owned and controlled.

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Senate President Vicente Sotto III revealed President Duterte once called and threatened a rice trader for alleged hoarding. Sotto said the President even asked the unidentified person on the line where he lived. Rumors say Duterte did the same thing to the suspected smuggler of the P6.4B shabu shipment. He called and threatened him. He didn’t have to ask where he lived though.

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Ozamis City Councilor Ricardo Parojinog, brother of slain Ozamiz City Mayor Reynaldo Parojinog Sr., a suspected drug lord, has been repatriated from Taiwan. He is now in police custody in Camp Crame and will probably remain there until his ‘nanlaban’ schedule.

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Russian scientists have revived tiny worms frozen for 42,000 years in Siberian permafrost. The news made former Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile nostalgic because he used to play with those worms when he was a kid.
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“To be of good quality, you have to excuse yourself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals.”
~Michael Bassey Johnson

Sound Bites
“I-pepe, I-dede, I-pepederalismo!”
~Mocha Uson in a viral pro-federalism campaign video

And you thought it can’t get any lower.

My temporary Twitter account: @hecklerforever8

CHAMP AGAIN, YOU KNOW

President Duterte says he’d rather see Manny Pacquiao retire soon. Specifically, he believes Manny can retire in 3 to 6 months.

1PacMatt2
MANNY PACQUIAO is the new WBA regular welterweight champion! Congratulations to Manny Pacquiao – the boxer. There’s probably ‘zero crime rate’ again in the Philippines on fight day. The killings will resume Monday.

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte watched the Pacquiao-Matthysse bout in Kuala Lumpur. When he came face to face with the two boxers, he told Matthysse, “You lost!” Then, he told Pacquiao, “Yuan!”

In a post-fight interview, President Duterte says he’d rather see Manny Pacquiao retire soon. Specifically, he believes Manny can retire in 3 to 6 months.

Filipino boxing great Manny Pacquiao won against Argentine pug Lucas Matthysse in Kuala Lumpur. As expected, sponsorship logos were printed on Pacquiao’s boxing trunks. There’s Ricoa, GCOX, Motolite, and a couple more. Much to the surprise of many Filipinos, there was no #BongGoTayo.

1PacMatt
It was the 60th career win for Manny Pacquiao. Addressing the ecstatic crowd, Pacquiao said, “Thank God for this victory.” God was quick to deny though He had a hand in the victory.

Tito Sotto was also at ringside in Kuala Lumpur. After watching Pacquiao cruise to victory, Sotto tweeted, “I thought I was watching Manny 10 years ago. Mabuhay ka Sen and Champion Manny Pacquiao.” There’s no truth to rumors though that Sotto made a promise to Pacquiao he’ll have Inquirer articles linking him to starlets taken down.

The Tulfo siblings lauded the victory of Manny Pacquiao. After the fight, the Tulfos gave him a standing ovation and 60 million rounds of applause.

Some netizens say the victory will help boost Manny Pacquiao’s chances of winning a higher post in the 2022 elections. To which, House Speaker Alvarez said, “What elections?’

CompuBox scores showed Manny Pacquiao landed 44 percent of his power punches while Lucas Matthysse landed just 28 percent. To give you an idea of how bad Matthysse performed, even some Gilas Pilipinas members landed more punches than him.
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“The height of your accomplishments is determined by the depth of your convictions.”
~ William F. Scolavino

Also…
Check out my article in the Philippine Daily Inquirer. Here’s the link.

1INQ

Thank you!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Pacquiao: AFP/Getty Images; Cabinet: @virgillopez/PCOO]

MOCHA USON SINAGOT SI KRIS AQUINO

Napanood ko na po ang video ni Kris Aquino. Pagod na pagod po ako galing Korea kasama si Tatay Digong kaya ngayon lang po ako nakasagot. Nakakalungkot po. Nagtrabaho na nga po tayo at naglingkod sa mga Ka-DDS natin sa ibang bansa tapos ito pa ang sumalubong sa akin.

FakeNewsQueen

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3.1Mocha
3Mocha
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“They all lie, from the top man down to the bottom. If their lips are moving, a lie is unfolding.”
~William Rivers Pitt

Sound Bites
“Balahura din ako. Ganyan ang labanan eh! Kailangan ka talagang lumaban. I’m sorry na ganito ang nangyari sa bayan natin – na in order for you to be heard, you have to speak this language. In order for people to listen to you, you have to shove the truth in their faces.”
~Kris Aquino [Click to watch video]

#LabanKris

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Rappler]