UNAIRED INTERVIEW: VICE GANDA GRILLS SOLICITOR GENERAL JOSE CALIDA

Teka lang. Akala ko ba galit ka rin kay Trillanes? Bakit parang ini-imply mong corrupt ako?

00000VG

Welcome po sa GGV, Mr. Solicitor General!

Isang malaking karangalan ang mag-guest dito. Maraming salamat sa pag-invite mo sa akin, Vice.

Actually, office ho n’yo ang nakiusap sa management na i-guest kayo dito.

Hehehe Palabiro ka talaga Vice.

Hindi po ako nagbibiro. ‘Yun ang sabi ng boss namin.

Baka isipin nila totoo ang sinasabi mo.

Totoo ho ‘yon. May letter pa nga ho kayo.

Sige, sige… para matigil ka na lang, let’s pretend na staff ko nga ang nakiusap. Para tapos na.

Naku Sir. Let’s not pretend. Kasi kayo ho talaga ang sumulat. Pirmado n’yo ang letter of request. Ang kulit!

Kaya ikaw ang number 1 comedian ngayon eh. Magaling kang magbiro.

Magmamaang-mangan na lang ho ba tayo buong gabi o itutuloy natin ang interview?

Nandito na rin lang ako, siyempre gusto kong ituloy ang interview.

Napanood n’yo ho ba ang guesting dito ni Harry Roque?

Hindi eh. Pero regular viewer mo ako Vice. Kung wala rin lang akong ginagawa ‘pag Sabado nang gabi, pinapanood talaga kita.

Linggo ho ang GGV.

Alam ko. ‘Yun nga ang sinabi ko.

Sabado ho ang sinabi n’yo.

Linggo ang sinabi ko.

Kasasabi n’yo lang na Sabado. Kahit i-playback pa ho natin. Wala kayong sinabing Linggo.

Let’s pretend na Sabado nga ang sinabi ko. Pero fan mo talaga ako.

Nambola pa ang ‘king inang to.

Narinig ko ‘yun.

Ipinarinig ko ho talaga.

Ok.

Malapit na po ang Halloween. Kung bibili po kayo ng Halloween costume, bakit pa?

What do you mean, “Bakit pa?”

Ano ‘to? Magpi-pretend na naman tayong ‘di n’yo naintindihan ang tanong?

Paki-rephrase na lang.

Ganito na lang. Kapag nananalamin ho ba kayo, hindi n’yo sinisisi ang Diyos?

Alam mo, tayong lahat ay mahal ng Diyos at naniniwala akong pare-pareho ang tingin n’ya sa atin.

Hindi ho ako papayag. HINDI AKO PAPAYAG na ang tingin sa akin at tingin sa ‘yo ng Diyos ay pareho!

Opinyon mo ‘yan Vice.

Sila rin ho, ang ating studio audience.

[Studio Audience: Kurek!]

* * * * * * *

Anyway, punta na tayo sa mga isyu. Nanalo ho sa Makati RTC si Senator Trillanes, talo kayo. Napasimangot ho ba kayo nang marinig n’yo ang balita?

Siyempre naman. Tayo ang nagsimula niyan eh.

Paano n’yo ho nalamang nakasimangot kayo?

Anong tanong ‘yan?

I mean, nakikita n’yo pa ba ang difference kung nakasimangot kayo o hindi?

Kanina ka pa Vice. Bakit ‘di mo na lang ako diretsuhin: pangit kayo!

Kayo ho ang nagsabi niyan, hindi ako. And to be fair to me, hindi ko inisip na pangit kayo.

Salamat naman kung gano’n.

Charot lang. Hihihi

Matagal pa ba?

Nagmamadali ho kayo? May naghihintay na Grab sa labas? Sandali na lang ho. Sabi sa news, ‘di na raw kayo magsasampa ng motion for reconsideration sa Makati RTC at diretso na raw kayo sa Court of Appeals. Sino po sa tingin n’yo ang mas may appeal, ‘yung court o si Senator Trillanes.

Siyempre ‘yung Court. Sus, walang sinabi ‘yang unggoy na si Trillanes ‘no!

Wooooow. Kung unggoy ho si Trillanes,

‘Wag mo nang ituloy. Babalik na naman sa akin ‘yan.

Ang brilliant n’yo! Paano n’yo nalaman? Hihihi Anyway, sabi sa research, mula raw nang maupo kayo sa gobyerno, nakakuha ang inyong security agency ng 16 government contracts worth 358.3 million pesos! Samakatuwid

Vice, there is nothing wrong or unlawful with that!

Sandali lang, wala pa ho akong tanong. Ang tanong ko: bakit hindi namin dapat paniwalaan ang research?

Ibahin mo ang tanong Vice.

So, totoo pala ang research?

Again, I see nothing wrong with that. Ano bang masama sa pagnenegosyo? Kahit naman ikaw Vice, may negosyo ‘di ba?

Pero hindi ho sa gobyerno. ‘Yung kinukubra n’yo, pera ‘yun ng gobyerno.

Teka lang. Akala ko ba galit ka rin kay Trillanes? Bakit parang ini-imply mong corrupt ako?

Wala ho akong ini-imply.

‘Buti naman.

Sinasabi ko mismo.

Na corrupt ako?!?

Kayo ho ang nagsabi niyan.

Mahaba na ang interview na ‘to.

Sandali na lang ho. May babasahin lang akong mean tweets tapos mag-comment kayo. Heto ang una.

1CalidaTweet2

Ano hong masasabi n’yo?

No comment ako d’yan kasi hindi ako book.

Eh ano ho? Bukbok? Charot! Next tweet ho.

1CalidaTweet

Nasubukan n’yo na bang magpa-Belo?

No way! Ang nagpapa-Belo lang, ‘yung mga taong insecure at kulang sa self-confidence!

Taraaaay! Iba rin ang confidence n’yo Sir. Hiyang-hiya naman si Enrique Gil sa kutis n’yo. O, last na ‘to!

1CalidaTweet3

‘Yung totoo po, nasasaktan pa ba kayo kapag tinatawag na pangit?

Sabi nga nila, “the truth hurts.” Hindi ako naha-hurt. Kapag hindi ka naha-hurt o napipikon, ibig sabihin, hindi totoo ang sinasabi nila.

Eh ‘pag sinasabihan ho kayong corrupt?

Putang ina nila! Mga hindot na ‘king inang putang inang mga ‘yan; mga demonyong dilawan! Mamatay na kayo mga putang ina n’yo! Mga walanghiya! Mga hayop! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuuuuuuuuuuuck you!

Maraming salamat Sir! Palakpakan naman natin, Solicitor General Jose Calida.

[APPLAUSE]

Watch the full on interview on GGV on November 31, 2018 after Rated K.
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“Whoever is detected in a shameful fraud is ever after not believed even if they speak the truth.”
~Phaedrus

Sound Bites
“A victory for justice, rule of law and democracy for the country.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV on Judge Andres Soriano’s ruling

Ballsy.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8.

[Photos: ABS-CBN News]

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YOU’RE FIRED!

MEMES: Duterte goes shopping; Mocha gets fired and appears on Rated K; Gordon saves Calida and more!

PRESIDENT DUTERTE goes shopping in Hong Kong. Mocha gets fired. Harry Roque is a no-show in his own press briefing. Richard Gordon refuses to investigate Calida. Mar Roxas’s wife cozies up to the purveyor of fake news. Everyday gets crazier under the Duterte administration. Here are some picture memes I created on the latest headlines.

Harry and Friends

Harry on Leave

Duterte Biopsy

Duterte Shopping

Duterte Green

Mocha Fired

Mocha BBM Boss

Mocha Korina

CJ De Castro

Calida and Gordon

Duterte Leni
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“It’s time to care; it’s time to take responsibility; it’s time to lead; it’s time for a change; it’s time to be true to our greatest self; it’s time to stop blaming others.”
~Steve Maraboli

Sound Bites
“Hindi ko ugali ang mamulitika; mas gusto kong tahimik na magtrabaho. Pero sasabihin ko ito ngayon: ang tapang, lakas, at diskarte, hindi nadadaan sa mapanirang salita. Ang kailangan ng taumbayan ay tapang sa gawa.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

#Burn

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I am on Twitter: @hecklerforever8

[Photos: Inquirer.net; SAP Bong Go; RTVM]

PLAYFUL (MY FOOT)

Palace spokesman Harry Roque says the “foremost priority” of the Duterte administration right now is “fighting inflation.” In case you’re not aware, inflation was arrested last week on rehashed rebellion charges but was released after posting bail.

This article was first published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Sept. 30, 2018.

In a speech in Malacañang, President Duterte admitted, “My only sin is extrajudicial killings.” And then he said, “I’m not under oath, am I?”

Defending Duterte’s statement, Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo said, “He’s Bisaya.” PNP Chief Oscar Albayalde said it was uttered “because of frustration” while former senator Juan Ponce Enrile insisted, “Only one was killed and none was arrested in Duterte’s war on drugs.”

Everyone expected palace spokesman Harry Roque to say that President Duterte was just joking. But in a radio interview, Roque said the President was just being “playful.” And then he went on to thank his friend who gave him a new thesaurus on his last birthday.

_____________

According to President Duterte, drug dependents were to blame for the country’s rice crisis. In a joint statement, Agriculture and NFA officials denied they were drug dependents.

President Duterte joked that recovering drug dependents, whom he described as “mga ulol” (crazed) were to blame for the country’s rice crisis because they have started eating again. Recovering drug dependents then expressed alarm when Duterte added, “I will appoint Ozamiz City Police Chief Jovie Espenido to the NFA.”

I just noticed there’s Duterte, a joke, drug dependent, and ulol in one sentence. Apologies for the redundancy.

In his next speech, the President will try to figure out a way to blame the peso’s slump on drug addicts.

_____________

Palace spokesman Harry Roque says the “foremost priority” of the Duterte administration right now is “fighting inflation.” In case you’re not aware, inflation was arrested last week on rehashed rebellion charges but was released after posting bail.

_____________

Solicitor General Jose Calida has threatened to file a libel complaint against Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV if the senator “doesn’t express his sincere apology” for accusing him of stealing his amnesty application documents. Calida insists he is not a thief. Is he being playful too?

_____________

Last September 12, President Duterte revealed an alleged plot to oust him on Sept. 21. Nothing happened. This week, the military said there was a plot to bring down Duterte in October (calling it ‘Red October’) and another in November and one more in December. So far, two “leaders” of the alleged plot to eliminate Duterte are being monitored. They were identified as Buerger and Barrett.

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Former senate president Aquilino Pimentel Jr. advised Communications Assistant Sec. Mocha Uson to stop meddling in the government’s federalism campaign and go back to showbiz instead. In response, ‘showbiz’ said, “We already have Robin Padilla. We can only take so much.”

Sources told Inquirer Lifestyle editor Lito Zulueta that Mocha Uson would resign from the Presidential Communications Operations Office “anytime soon.” Mocha has yet to inform her boss about her decision but she’s confident Bongbong Marcos will understand.

_____________

Chinese-backed Maldivian President Abdulla Yameen, the tyrannical leader who jailed political rivals on dubious charges lost his re-election bid earlier this week. Yameen appeared on television to concede. He was flanked by his two sons, Baste Yameen and Pulong Yameen.
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“A guilty conscience needs no accuser.”
~Anonymous

Sound Bites
“Extraordinary statement by a Head of State (and we have had many this week at the UN): my ‘only’ sin is #EJK. Translation: my only sin is imposing unthinkable sufferings on 1000s of vulnerable families, emboldening corrupt policing, destroying rule of law.”
~Agnes Callamard, United Nations special rapporteur

Truth.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8

THE MASK

It’s still several weeks ‘til Halloween but on his TV appearances…

This article was first published in the Opinion Page of the Philippine Daily Inquirer last Sept. 16, 2018.

THEMASK

IN HIS RECENT tête-à-tête with Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Salvador Panelo, President Duterte mentioned the name of Senator Trillanes at least 20 times. And that could be a problem. The last time he uttered someone else’s name that much, his wife filed for annulment.

____________

Critics described President Duterte’s behavior during his talk with Panelo as “childish” and “immature.” Duterte lashed back at them threatening repeatedly to “tell Mom.”

____________

A couple of days back, President Duterte presided over a command conference for typhoon Ompong. It was great to see someone on top of something he’s really good at: disasters.

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It’s still several weeks ‘til Halloween but on his TV appearances, we can notice President Duterte is already wearing a mask.

When asked about the status of his health, the President talked about Jose Maria Sison, the Magdalo Group, and the alleged conspiracy to oust him. He’s not well, obviously.

Here’s another pre-Halloween joke for you. Two guys (who do not know each other) wearing identical Bongbong Marcos masks walk into a Halloween costume party. One of the guys says, “Well, this is awkward. We can’t be both losers tonight.”

____________

Defense Sec. Delfin Lorenzana admitted it was Solicitor General Jose Calida who called him on August 16 “to get the amnesty records” of Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV. Fifteen days later, President Duterte would claim Trillanes’s amnesty records were missing. Remember the saying, “Never judge a book by its cover?” Not all the time.

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For helping authorities detect shabu in the magnetic lifters found in a warehouse in Cavite, a 6-year-old dog named ‘Odel’ was awarded a ‘Medalya ng Papuri’ by the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency. The President has earlier dismissed the P6.8B shabu shipment as “pure speculation.” Solicitor General Jose Calida has started his inquiry into Odel’s training records.

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According to Gallup’s annual Global Emotions Report, 2017 was the world’s most miserable year in more than a decade. People experienced worry, physical pain, sadness, stress, and anger. Or as that’s called in the Philippines, the five stages of Duterte’s War on Drugs.

____________

The Department of Justice is offering a reward of P500,000 for information leading to the arrest of alleged-big time drug lord, Peter Lim. Even Peter Lim was like, “Five hundred thousand??? Do you want me arrested or not?”

____________

Here’s a bad news: There have been reports that some witnesses against Andal Ampatuan Jr. have recanted their testimonies. Harry Roque, a former counsel of some Maguindanao massacre victims, is upset. He couldn’t believe that witnesses would just abandon the side of truth in exchange for something. To which, those witnesses replied, “Look who’s talking.”
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“Sorry to hear your body is as sick as your mind.”
~Anonymous

Sound Bites
“There is an evolving story sa Itogon, Barangay Ucab… 43 persons doon, nag-collapse ‘yung church… Kaya nga ito eh, alam mo Sir sa totoo lang, kung pinalitan niyo ‘yung pari diyan, ‘di magbagsak ‘yan. Bobo kasi itong mga pari, p*tang*na!”
~Rodrigo Duterte

Classy.

I am STILL on Twitter: @hecklerforever8

Photo: via the DA Secretary

DELIVER US FROM WEEVIL

In his regular press conference, presidential spokesperson Harry Roque calmly appealed to alleged big-time drug lord Peter Lim to “PLEASE surrender.” In response, Peter Lim told Roque, “PLEASE don’t be too obvious.”

This article first appeared in the Philippine Daily Inquirer on Sept. 2, 2018.

It’s September – the start of the long Christmas season for many Filipinos – except for Teresita Leonardo-De Castro who got her Christmas gift a week earlier. Merry Christmas!

Newly-installed Supreme Court Chief Justice Teresita Leonardo-De Castro defends her appointment to the SC’s highest post saying President Duterte doesn’t know her personally. She adds, “I don’t think the President would do anything that will impair the independence of the judiciary.” Apparently, she doesn’t know Duterte personally.

* * * * *

The Department of Agriculture has approved the importation of 17,000 metric tons of galunggong (round scad) from China starting this month. Agriculture Sec. Emmanuel Piñol will personally supervise the importation. In fact, when the galunggongs arrive in our ports, Piñol will be the one holding the “Welcome back!” banner.

Claiming it would address the rice shortage in Zamboanga, Basilan, Tawi-tawi and Sulu, Agriculture Secretary Emmanuel Piñol has proposed to legalize rice smuggling. Even rice smugglers were like, “No, thanks. We’re doing just fine.”

Still on Piñol, the Secretary downplayed reports that imported rice from Thailand were infested with weevils or bukbok, a type of beetle. He said, “Serve me bukbok rice, I will eat it.” In the interest of fairness, let’s ask the bukbok if they’re willing to be served to Piñol.

* * * * *

Change has come indeed. The Philippines now imports galunggong; a top government official openly supports rice smuggling, and recently, the University of the Philippines has become the newest party venue for Marcos loyalists.

* * * * *

A group of young men from Malabon City got into trouble when a video they created in 2016 surfaced and became viral. In the video, the men are smoking pot and cursing at President Duterte. Are you guys insane? Never ever do those things again. Never smoke pot, and never record yourselves cursing at the President!

Alleged big time drug lord Peter Lim was a no-show at his arraignment in Makati City for drug conspiracy charges. The police have yet to locate and arrest him. Let’s hope he creates a video cursing at the President, too.

In his regular press conference, presidential spokesperson Harry Roque calmly appealed to alleged big-time drug lord Peter Lim to “PLEASE surrender.” In response, Peter Lim told Roque, “PLEASE don’t be too obvious.”

* * * * *

In a Congressional hearing last Thursday, Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency chief Aaron Aquino insisted the four magnetic filters found in Cavite last month contained shabu. Siding with the Bureau of Customs (BOC) though, President Duterte had previously dismissed the claim as “pure speculation.” But Aquino would rather believe PDEA’s K-9 unit. The dogs which “responded twice” during the inspection could detect scents 10,000 times better than humans. In fact, rumors say, when the K-9 unit heard about the statements of the BOC and the President, the dogs detected cover-up.

* * * * *

President Duterte claims the CIA is listening to his conversations, and is plotting to kill him. As a precautionary measure, Duterte will now avoid his regular conversations… with himself.

* * * * *

Reports say Russian trolls and bots spread misinformation on vaccine safety in the US to sow public discord. The report has prompted PAO Chief Persida Acosta to issue a statement denying she’s Russian.

* * * * *

Quezon City Rep. Vincent “Bingbong” Crisologo filed a case against his driver who allegedly stole the P200,000 cash he entrusted to him for safekeeping. The suspected thief is medium-built, soft-spoken, and looks up to congressmen as role models.

* * * * *

For several days now, PCOO Assistant Secretary Mocha Uson has not committed any blunder on social media. This is alarming. To Mocha’s followers, please pray for her.

* * * * *

Whenever I see Kris Aquino’s photos on social media these days, I am reminded of the film ‘Crazy Rich Asians.’ Whenever I see President Duterte’s close-up photos on social media these days, I am reminded of the film, ‘Fifty Shades of Gray.” Please pray for him, too.
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“All cruelty springs from weakness.”
~Seneca

Sound Bites
“Instead of continuing to glorify a dictator who stole billions from our country, drove the nation into debt, and presided over the murder and imprisonment of thousands of Filipinos, he can work on truly unifying the nation, and assuring our people, especially those at the fringes, that their voices are being heard and that their daily suffering will soon be eased.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Exactly.

Twitter: @Hecklerforever8

EXCLUSIVE! CHIEF JUSTICE, RUMESBAK

Ang daming nega. Ang daming inggitera. Ang daming bashers. ‘Yung isa nga, muntik ko nang replyan, “Ganda ka ‘teh?”

OFFICIAL STATEMENT
Chief Justice
Supreme Court of the Philippines

SABADO, August 25. Magtatanghali noon.

Nasa fruits and vegetables section ako sa supermarket nang matanggap ko ang isang text message. Ang sabi:

AAAUwian Na

Hindi ko na-gets ang message ni Mareng Gloria kaya nag-reply ako.

AAAUwian Na2

At sumagot naman siya:

AAAUwian Na3

Napatalon ako sa labis na tuwa. Naitulak ko tuloy nang ‘di sinasadya ang push cart at nabunggo nito ang kalapit na table. Nahulog ang dalawang pirasong ampalaya. Tse! Pati ba naman dito may hater!

Nagsunud-sunod na ang tawag at text sa akin. To cut a long story short, hindi na ako namili. Umuwi na lang ako. Hindi ko kinaya ang moment na ‘yun. Iba! On my way home, nag-log in ako sa Twitter using my secret account. Bahala na kayong humula kung ano ang Twitter handle ko. Basta ang clue, active na active ako. ‘Di n’yo lang alam na ako ‘yun.

Pero pingsisihan ko ang paggamit ng Twitter nang araw na iyon. Grabe! Ang daming nega. Ang daming inggitera. Ang daming bashers. ‘Yung isa nga, muntik ko nang replyan, “Ganda ka ‘teh?” Kaya lang baka mag-boomerang. ‘Wag na lang.

Pero dahil sa walang tigil na batikos sa akin, nagpasya akong maglabas na lang ng maikling pahayag para maipagtanggol ko naman ang aking sarili. Ito na nga ‘yun.

Sabi nila, ambisyosa at ganid daw ako sa kapangyarihan. Excuse me! Hindi ako ambisyosa.

Sabi nila, shameless at bitter daw ako. Excuse me! Hindi ako shameless!

Sabi nila, wala raw akong integridad at wala ring delicadeza! Excuse me again! Meron akong integridad.

Sabi nila, tuta raw ako ni Duterte at gagamitin ni Bongbong para maging bise presidente! Excuse me! Hindi ako tuta ni Duterte.

At ang hindi ko talaga matanggap, ‘yung sabihin nilang, “Pangit ka na nga, pangit pa ang ugali mo.” Excuse me! EXCUUUUSE ME! Basta.

Sa aking kaarawan sa Oktubre ay magreretiro na rin ako. Sa madaling salita, apatnapu’t isang araw lang akong mauupo bilang Chief Justice. Pero wala sa ikli o haba ng termino ‘yan. Kung desidido kang wasakin, I mean, paglingkuran ang bansa mo, magagawa mo ‘yan sa panahong ipinagkaloob sa ‘yo ng Panginoon.

Nabanggit ko na rin lang ang Panginoon, nagpapasalamat ako kay Pangulong Duterte sa kanyang pagtitiwala sa akin. Hindi ko po kayo bibiguin. #AlamNa

Kay Maria Lourdes Sereno, HA HA HA. Move on ka na ‘day.

At sa aking mga kritiko na walang tigil sa pamba-bash sa akin, sino ngayon ang bitter sa atin? Ako pa rin?

EXCUSE ME!
___________________________________________________________________________
“It came to me. My own. My love. My own. My precious. We swears to serve the master of the precious. We will swear on the…on the precious.”
~Gollum, ‘The Lord of the Rings Trilogy’

Sound Bites
“We continue to suffer from the consequences of the legacy of evil that your father left behind. And it did not help that your family preserved his body. It only made us even more committed to never forget what had happened to our family members, our friends and our colleagues. Pray tell me, Imee, how can we move on?”
~Rufa Guiam, An Open Letter to Imee

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever8.

LEAKED: DUTERTE’S SONA 2018

Sanga pala… sa Sabado, balak kong pumunta sa West Philippine Sea kasama si Willie Revillame. O’ ba’t natawa kayo? Akala n’yo joke lang? Totoo! Nag-volunteer si Kuya Wil.

1D
State of the Nation Address
of
Rodrigo R. Duterte
President of the Philippines

[To be delivered at the Session Hall of the House of Representatives,
Batasang Pambansa Complex, Quezon City on July 23, 2018]

SPEAKER PANTALEON Alvarez, Senate President Vicente ‘Tito’ Sotto III, Vice Presi… Sandali, akalain mo ‘yun. Dati pinanood ko lang si Tito sa Eat Bulaga. Ngayon, presidente na ng Senado. Pati ako nabulaga. Hehehe Congratulations! (Applause)

Vice President Leni Robredo, Uy! Nandiyan ka pa rin ma’am? Yawa. Chief Justice Maria… wala na nga pala tayong Chief Justice. Congratulations! (Applause) Former presidents Fidel V. Ramos, Joseph Ejercito Estrada, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and Benig… absent nga pala si gago. ‘T*ng i*a, kung ayaw mong magpakita, eh ‘di wag!

Members of the House of Representatives and the Senate; distinguished members of the diplomatic corps; the delegation from Beijing; fellow workers in government; mga minamahal kong kababayan…

I will resign!

(Silence)

Sabi ko, I will resign!

(Whispers, murmurs)

Kinabahan kayo ‘no? ‘Kita ko ‘yung mukha ni Harry Roque, biglang nanlaki ang mata. Sabi siguro, “’Tang i*a, saan ako pupulutin ‘pag nawala si Duterte?!” Hehehe Of course, I was just joking. Ba’t ako magre-resign eh nasa puwesto pa ‘yung incompetent? Ano ako, tanga? I will NOT resign. (Applause/Standing ovation)

* * * * * *

As I have promised, hindi lalampas ng 35 minutes ang aking speech. Paninindigan ko ‘to. Kahit man lang ‘yan, matupad ko. (Canned Laughter/Applause)

* * * * * *

Gusto ko munang batiin ang mga nanonood sa China. Live tayo ngayon sa China Central Television. Nǐ hǎo! Bǎohù wǒ. Wǒ shì nǐ de púrén! Ko sing gaw lu, ta singkwen baw sa! Xièxiè! ‘Tang i*a, ano kaya ‘yung sinabi ko? Sino bang sumulat nito? Bahala na. Google n’yo na lang.

* * * * * *

Mula nang maupo ako sa pwesto at simulan ang war on drugs, wala na akong narinig kundi puro reklamo. Winawasak ko raw ang pamilyang Filipino. Walang katotohanan ‘yan. Sa aking administrasyon, lalo pa ngang naging close ang magkakapamilya. Kitang-kita ang pagsusumikap at pagtutulungan nila upang umasenso. ‘Wag na tayong lumayo pa. Kasama natin ngayong hapon sa gallery ang pamilya Tulfo. Palakpakan natin sila. (Applause)

* * * * * *

Napakalaki ng nabawas sa red tape sa gobyerno. Dahil na rin ito sa masisipag nating empleyado. Walang break-break kahit lunch. Wala ring merye-meryenda. Umulan man o umaraw, tuloy ang serbisyo. Multitasking pa nga ang iba. Tingnan n’yo si former DOT secretary Wanda Tulfo-Teo, sabi ng COA, nagtatrabaho na, nagsha-shopping pa! Mabuhay ka! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Ayon sa mga gagong Dilaw, malayo raw ang performance ko sa mga nagawa ni Noynoy Aquino. P*tang i*a, napikon ako. Kaya ayun, ginaya ko! Tinanggal niya si Corona, tinanggal ko si Sereno! It’s a tie! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Isa pang nakakabuwisit ‘yang mga nagsasabing galit daw ako sa mahihirap. Wala silang bukambibig kundi “Anti-poor si Duterte! Mahihirap ang pinapatay ni Duterte!” Nang sumunod na Lunes, pinatay ‘yung Mayor Halili. Binatikos pa rin si Duterte! ‘T*ng i*a! Ginawa ko na ngang lahat ‘di ba? Mahirap, mayaman, itinumba! Kulang pa ba?

* * * * * *

Masakit mapagbintangang mamamatay-tao. May nagsasabing pinapatay daw ng mga pulis ang nahuhuling drug suspects. ‘T*ng i*a! Kasinungalingan ‘yan! Ang binabaril lang ng masisipag nating pulis ay ‘yung mga nanlalaban. Tingnan n’yo sina Kerwin Espinosa at si kumpareng Peter Lim, never na lumaban. Kaya ‘yun, pinalaya ni Aguirre at ‘di na kinasuhan! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Personal sa akin ang paglaban sa ilegal na droga. Kumukulo talaga ang dugo ko ‘pag nakakakita ng biktima ng drug addicts. Mga hayup! Kaya sa nagpasok ng 6.4 bilyong pisong shabu last year, I don’t know who you are but I will find you and I will kill you! (Applause)

(Message alert tone)

Sandali, may nag-text, “Papa, nag-sorry na ako ‘di ba? Pasaylua na ko please.”

Na-wrong send yata. ‘Tuloy ko na ang speech ko.

Sa’n na ba ako? Nawala ako ah.

* * * * * *

Napakataas na raw ng presyo ng petrolyo sa bansa. Fake news ‘yan! Kung mahal ang petrolyo sa Pilipinas, bakit ‘yung mga eroplano ng China, sa Davao pa nagpapa-gas? (Applause)

* * * * * *

Sanga pala… sa Sabado, balak kong pumunta sa West Philippine Sea kasama si Willie Revillame. (Canned laughter) O, ba’t natawa kayo? Akala n’yo joke lang? Totoo! Nag-volunteer si Kuya Wil. Magpapalaro s’ya ng hephep hooray sa Chinese Coast Guard as an act of goodwill. ‘Tapos tuwing may mananalo, sisigaw siya. Alam n’yo ba kung ano ang isisigaw niya?

*ANO?!?*

Bigyan ng isla ‘yan!

(Silence)

Mga gago. Joke ‘yun. Tumawa kayo!

(Canned laughter)

* * * * * *

Sinisisi ng marami ang TRAIN Law sa pagtaas ng presyo ng mga bilihin. Apektado na raw ang mahihirap. So gusto nila, i-suspend ko ang TRAIN Law. Kalokohan! Ganito lang ‘yan. Kung konti lang ang pera ng mahihirap na ‘yan, ibibili na lang nila ito ng bigas, asukal, o mantika. Hindi na sila makabili ng droga. In short, dahil sa TRAIN Law, mababawasan ang mga adik. Palakpakan natin ang TRAIN Law! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Ang sa akin lang, we need the money from the TRAIN Law for our Build, Build, Build program. Pambayad natin ‘yan sa China. Now, kung nagugutom ka dahil mahal ang bilihin, eh ‘di mag-pray ka. Walang impossible with god di ba? Punta ka sa church. Luhod ka. Hingi ka ng help sa imong god. Kung gutom ka pa rin after magsimba, stupid ang god mo. Lipat ka na lang sa Iglesia ni Rodrigo. (Canned laughter)

* * * * * *

Sabi ng SWS, 10.9 million daw ang walang trabahong Filipino noong 1st quarter ng 2018. Of course, luma na ang survey na ‘yan. Hoy Mahar Mangahas, i-update mo na ang figures mo bai! Malaki na ang nabawas d’yan kasi ipinadampot ko na ang mga tambay. (Applause)

* * * * * *

Batiin ko rin pala ang napakaraming OFWs na walang sawang sumusuporta sa akin. Ang daming comments sa Facebook: Watching from Dubai, watching from Italy, watching from Jeddah, watching from Taiwan, watching from Wakanda, watching from Qatar. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga gago kasi ang taas ng dollar. Pag-uwi, Duty Free. Bili ng Toblerone, Cadbury. ‘Yung kababayan nila sa Pilipinas, na-bury na kasi namatay sa gutom. Pisti. (Canned laughter) Uy, joke lang ‘yun huh. What I mean is, kung mataas ang dollar at mababa ang piso, ‘wag agad negative. Mag-benefit man d’yan ang mga OFW. (Applause)

* * * * * *

Pagdating naman sa kapaligiran, hindi ko rin naman kayo binigo. In fact, nitong nakaraang taon, naging aktibo ako sa 3Rs: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Ang mga sinibak ko sa gobyerno, ibinalik at inilipat ko sa ibang puwesto! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Baka sabihin n’yo, puro problema na lang itong si Duterte. Ulol ka ‘pag inisip mo ‘yun. Sa mga Dilawan at Ka-DDS d’yan, mag-focus na lang tayo sa positive things sa ating paligid. Nandiyan ang mababait nating fishermen sa West Philippine Sea. Kita n’yo naman… iluluto na lang ang mga huli, ipinamigay pa sa friends nilang Chinese. Talk about hospitality. Palakpakan natin sila. (Applause)

Nandito ba si Martin Andanar? Saang banda nakaupo?

*Spots Martin Andanar*

Ah, d’yan ka pala sa taas. Anyway, nandito ngayon ang mga tauhan ni Martin Andanar ng Communications Office who are very creative. Ang DOLE logo naging pinya ‘tapos ang Norway, naging Norwegia. Palakpakan din natin sila. (Applause)

Sa mga nagagalit kay Mocha, alam kong naiinggit lang kayo dahil very talented na babae ‘yan. Si Mocha lang ang nakapaglipat ng Mayon Volcano mula Albay papuntang Naga. Mabuhay ka Mocha! (Applause)

Baka sabihin naman ni Atty. Persida ‘Face to Face’ Rueda-Acosta, kinalimutan ko na siya. Never. Nakaka-inspire ang buhay ni Ma’am Persida. Dalawang beses s‘yang bumagsak sa bar exams noon. ‘Tapos ngayon, doktor na siya! Mabuhay ang Dengvaxia! (Applause)

And of course, narito rin ngayon ang pride nating lahat: lumalaban hindi lang para sa bayan kundi para sa BIR, ang WBA regular welterweight champion of the world, si Sen. Manny Pacquiao. Idol, kung tatakbo kang pangulo sa 2022, suportado kita. Ang tanong na lang: may eleksyon pa ba? Congrats Pacman! (Applause)

And finally, personal akong mag-thank you kay House Speaker Alvarez kasi wala man siyang takot mam-blackmail mag-persuade ng mga kasamahan niyang hindi supportive sa ChaCha. Tama ‘yang ginagawa mo! Ang kongresistang ayaw sa federalismo, huwag bigyan ng pondo!

So ang tanong ko, sino sa inyo ang ayaw sa federalismo? Taas ang kamay.

(Silence)

Congratulations! Palakpakan natin si House Speaker! Salamat kaayo dong! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Sanga pala, baka nagtataka kayo kung bakit wala dito ngayon si Sec. Ernesto Pernia ng NEDA. Last week, sabi niya, federalism would wreak havoc in the economy. Gago. Ayun, nagpaalam kahapon, may sumasakit daw sa likod niya kaya nag-resign na. ‘Buti naman.

* * * * * *

Mga kababayan, dalawang taon na ako sa puwesto. Marami pa akong plano para sa sambayanang Filipino. Sira-ulo ang nagsasabing walang vision o master plan ang gobyerno. For your information, advanced mag-isip ang mga tao ko. Tingnan n’yo si Bong Go: Nangangampanya na kahit ‘di pa kandidato. Palakpakan natin siya! (Applause)

* * * * * *

Thirty-five minutes na yata ako dito. Baka mabuang na kayo. Pasalamat na muna ako sa direktor natin, si Joyce Bernal. Nag-promise siya sa akin kahapon na gawin niya akong kamukha ni John Lloyd Cruz. (Canned laughter) Pero ayaw pala ni Baste kay JLC. So sabi ko, sige, Piolo Pascual na lang. Ang kumontra, ipatumba ko. So, tanungin ko kayo: Kamukha ko na ba si Piolo?

(Silence)

Tarantado!
_________________________________________________________________________________
“Leadership by deception isn’t leadership. It’s fraud.”
~Dr. DaShanne Stokes

Sound Bites
“Expenditure will be immense if we go to federalism, and we estimate that the fiscal deficit to the GDP ratio can easily jump to maybe 6 percent or more, and that’s really going to wreak havoc in terms of our fiscal situation. We are now moving to connect the…lagging regions into the mainstream economy and that momentum of infrastructure improvement in the regions is going to be disrupted.”
~Socioeconomic Planning Sec. Ernesto Pernia

Listen to the expert.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Duterte: Aaron Favila, AP]

EXCLUSIVE: PTV 4 ANNOUNCES NEW PROGRAMMING LINE UP

11:00 a.m. – Talk Show: 13 Reasons Why We Own the Disputed Islands

1ptv

CHINESE Ambassador to the Philippines Zhao Jianhua announced that state-run People’s Television Network would soon air shows that promote Chinese propaganda history and culture. The line-up includes drama series, children’s shows, movies and documentary dubbed in Tagalog.

Starting August 1, this will be…

PTV 4’S REVAMPED PROGRAMMING LINE UP

5:50 a.m. – Philippine National Anthem

5:55 a.m. – Chinese National Anthem

6:00 a.m. – Zǎoshang hǎo Manila (Good Morning Manila)

7:00 a.m. – Animated Series: Mao Tse Tung Tong Tong Pakitong-kitong
The life of Chairman Mao, the King Crab who rules the waters of South China Sea. It features the voices of Alan Peter Cayetano as Chairman Mao and Harry Roque as Jiang Qing a.k.a. Madam Mao, wife of Chairman Mao

8:00 a.m. – Animated Series: The Adventures of Spongebob Tiananmen SquarePants, an anti-democracy sea sponge

9:00 a.m. – Tibet On Your Baby
Tibetan couples and their babies compete for food, shelter, clothing and recognition of human rights

10:00 a.m. – Are You Going to Scarborough Shoal (Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme)
The trailblazing musical-cooking-travel show set on Scarborough Shoal features singing Chinese chefs preparing some of the most mouthwatering seafood dishes.

11:00 a.m. – Talk Show: 13 Reasons Why We Own the Disputed Islands

12:00 nn – Yuan for All, All for Yuan
Simulcast worldwide, the noontime show encourages poor, developing nations to “build, build, build” through multi-million dollar loans from Beijing.

1:30 p.m. – Game/Variety: Chinese Garter, Chinese Barter
Filipino and Chinese fishermen battle it out in a game of Chinese garter. Winner gets fish, loser gets noodles.

2:00 p.m. – Hotline Deng Va Xia: Isumbong Mo Kay Persida

3:00 p.m. – Security Guardians of the Galaxy with Solicitor General Jose Calida
Tips on how to corner huge government contracts effortlessly

4:00 p.m. – House of ‘Tards a.k.a. The Bash
A full hour devoted to mocking, maligning, and destroying the reputation of the Vice President; featuring vitriolic commentaries by Sassot, Nieto, Uson, and other BBM black propagandists

4:30 p.m. – Today’s News (According to Us) anchored by Mocha Uson and Vitaliano Aguirre

5:30 p.m. – Legal Advice: Better Call Sal (Panelo)

6:00 p.m. – 13 Reasons Why We Own the Disputed Islands (Primetime Edition)

7:00 p.m. – Replay: Chinese Garter, Chinese Barter
Filipino and Chinese fishermen battle it out in a game of Chinese garter. Winner gets fish, loser gets noodles.

7:30 p.m. – Ang Probinchino
This action drama follows the story of Shing A Ling, a member of the Chinese Coast Guard who pursues foreign “intruders” in the Spratly Islands.

8:30 p.m. – Magpa-Kowloon Man
A day in the life of a Ka-DDS with his/her Chinese friends in the Kowloon Peninsula, Hong Kong

9:20 p.m. – Chinese Lottery Draw (Simulcast worldwide)

9:30 p.m. – Bata, Bata, Paano Ka Gumawa (In Mandarin but with Filipino subtitles)
An inspiring documentary on grade school children working in Apple, Samsung, Nike, Adidas, Lenovo, Huawei, and Mattel (Barbie) factories

11:00 p.m. – Xi Duterte Forever (Recorded)
Joint regular press con of President Xi Jinping and President Rodrigo Duterte

12:00 mn – Chinese National Anthem

12:05 a.m. – Philippine National Anthem

12:07 a.m. – Sign Off

PTV 4 is the flagship government television network owned by the Philippine Government under the helm of the Presidential Communications Operations Office.
No Facebook.
No Twitter.
No YouTube.
Follow us on Weibo: @PTV_China (Strictly no content with homosexuality)
Follow us on WeChat: @PTV_China
Our official PTV app is now available for download in all areas expect Norwegia.
_______________________________________________________________________________
“A crazy country, choking air, polluted hearts, treachery. Treachery and treason.”
~Naguib Mahfouz

Sound Bites
“Totoo pong kinuhanan ng isda ang ating mangingisda sa Scarborough. Kada kinukuhanan ng isda, binibigyan naman sila ng noodles at tubig.”
~Harry Roque, Chinese presidential spokesman

Gee, thanks.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: PTV Official Website]

FIRST & EXCLUSIVE: INDEPENDENCE DAY MESSAGE NG PANGULO

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Magiging prangka ako.

Sa napakahalagang araw na ito, hindi ko alam kung angkop bang magbigay pa ako ng mensahe.

PHILIPPINE INDEPENDENCE DAY MESSAGE**
June 12, 2018

Mga Kababayan,

Hindi na ako magpapaliguy-ligoy pa. Magiging prangka ako.

Sa napakahalagang araw na ito sa Pilipinas, hindi ko alam kung angkop bang magbigay pa ako ng mensahe.

Ang tanong ng marami: Malaya ba talaga tayo?

Ako na ang nagsasabi: malayang-malaya! Walang makapagdidikta sa atin.

Nitong mga nakaraang buwan, naging paksa hindi lamang dito kundi sa mga kalapit nating bansa ang isyu ng pananakop at soberenya.

Dahil walang hinto ang pagkalat ng walang basehang mga paratang, at pagdududa, nagpasya akong ilabas ang pahayag na ito.

Maninindigan tayo. Inuulit ko, maninindigan tayo. ATIN ang pinag-aagawang mga teritoryo sa South China Sea.

Atin ang Scarborough Shoal. Atin ang Paracel Islands. Atin ang Spratlys.

Hindi tayo papayag na angkinin ng kahit anong bansa ang mga islang ‘yan.

Sinumang magtangkang sumakop sa mga teritoryong aking nabanggit ay matapang nating haharapin!

Lalaban tayo.

Kung kailangang gumamit ng armas upang maiparating ang ating mensahe, gagawin natin.

Ipagtatanggol ng pamahalaan ang mga kababayan nating mangingisda! Ang kanilang mga huli, mananatiling kanila. Walang maaaring umagaw.

Hindi tayo papayag na sila ay i-bully ninuman.

Kung may magtayo ng istruktura, magpuprotesta tayo. Kung may mangisda sa mga lugar na sakop natin, magpuprotesta tayo. Malinaw ang ating panuntunan.

Nagpapasalamat nga pala ako kina Alan Peter Cayetano at Harry Roque dahil katulong natin sila sa paghahatid ng mensahe ng ating pamahalaan patungkol sa usaping ito.

Inuulit ko, hindi tayo papayag na mapailalim sa kapangyarihan ng kahit anong bansa.

Bilang pagtatapos, nais kong batiin ang mga Filipino saan mang dako ng mundo sa pagdiriwang ng isandaan at dalawampung taon ng kasarinlan.

Binabati at pinasasalamatan ko rin ang isang tapat na kaibigan at maaasahang kaalyado – si Pangulong Rodrigo Duterte. Ipagpatuloy mo ang iyong mga nasimulan – for the motherland.

Mabuhay kayo!

Xièxiè!

Gumagalang,
Xi Jinping
President
People’s Republic of China

(**The original statement was translated from Mandarin to Filipino.]
——————————————————————————————————————————————–
“Every nation has the right to demand proper treatment and no country should violate the territory of any other country.”
~Mustafa Kemal Atatürk

Sound Bites
10Fisherman

Read full article here.

Paano ka lalaban kung mismong ang pamahalaan kakampi ng mga kalaban?

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Reporter’s Notebook]