16 03 2018

PNP CHIEF Bato de la Rosa said the dismissal of charges filed against big-time drug lords angered his boss, Rodrigo Duterte who punched a wall in Malacañang. “Namaga ang kamay n’ya sa galit,” Bato added. That’s what you call a ‘punchline.’

Did he or did he not? In a series of ambush interviews, Duterte gave conflicting answers.

Reporter: Sir, totoo bang sinuntok n’yo ang wall sa palasyo sabi ni General Bato?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon.

Reporter: Dahil ba nadismis ang kaso laban sa mga big-time drug lord?

Duterte: Hindi! Dahil tinambakan ng San Miguel ang Ginebra sa Game 4. Tang ina. Nanood pa naman si Pareng Jawo tapos tambak. Yawa!

* * * * *

Reporter: Mr. President, totoo bang sinuntok mo ang pader sa Malacañang?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon.

Reporter: Dahil ba dinismiss ang kaso laban sa mga big-time drug lord?

Duterte: In a way.

Reporter: Paano pong “in a way?” Hindi ba nagalit kayo kasi nadismis ang kaso nila?

Duterte: Hindi! Nagalit ako kasi wala na silang kaso. Ako, meron pa sa ICC. Pisti!

* * * * *

Reporter: Mr. President, sabi ni General Bato namaga raw ang kamay mo dahil sinuntok mo ang pader sa Malacañang.

Duterte: Tama!

Reporter: Nagalit daw kayo sa pagkakadismis ng kaso ng big time drug lords. Tama rin po ba?

Duterte: Mali. Nagalit ako dahil nag-trend sa Twitter noong isang araw ang #DuterteDuwag. Nag-withdraw lang sa ICC, duwag agad? SAGUTIN MO AKO: Kapag nag-withdraw ba sa ICC, duwag?

Reporter: In a way Sir.


Reporter: No pala Sir. No. Next question na po…

* * * * *

Reporter: Sir, totoo bang sinuntok mo ang pader sa palasyo?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon.

Reporter: Totoo bang namaga ang kamay mo dahil sa pagsuntok?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon.

Reporter: Totoo bang nagalit kayo sa pagkakadismis ng kaso laban sa big time drug lords?

Duterte: Ba’t naman napunta sa drug lords ang usapan? Suntok at pader lang ang topic natin. ‘Wag kang lumayo.

* * * * *

Reporter: Mr. President, totoo bang sinuntok mo ang pader sa palasyo?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon.

Reporter: Totoo bang namaga ang kamay mo dahil sa pagsuntok?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon.

Reporter: Totoo bang nagalit ka dahil nadismis ang kaso laban sa big-time drug lords?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon.

Reporter: INUULIT KO: Totoo bang nagalit ka dahil nadismis ang kaso laban sa big-time drug lords?


Reporter: Naninigurado lang Sir.

* * * * *

Reporter: Sir, totoo bang namaga ang kamay mo matapos mong suntukin ang pader sa palasyo?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon.

Reporter: Totoo bang nagalit ka raw kasi nadismis ang kaso laban kay Kerwin Espinosa?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon!

Reporter: Totoo rin bang nagalit ka kasi nadismis ang kaso laban sa kumpare mong si Peter Lim?

Duterte: Kay Kerwin na muna tayo mag-focus. Nananahimik ang ibang tao, ‘wag mong idamay.

* * * * *

Reporter: Sir, totoo bang sinuntok mo ang pader sa palasyo dahil sa sobrang galit?

Duterte: Totoo ‘yon!

Reporter: Totoo bang namaga ang kamay mo dahil sa pagkakasuntok sa pader?

Duterte: Totoo rin ‘yon.

Reporter: Tingin kayo sa camera sir ‘tapos ipakita mo ang namamaga mong kamay.

Duterte: Kayo talaga, ‘di na mabiro. Kailan ba kayo masasanay? Next question na nga.
“Pathological liars can’t always tell truth from falsehood and contradict themselves in an interview. They are manipulative and are very brazen in terms of their manner.”
~Adrian Raine

Sound Bites
The attempt to withdraw from the ICC will not save anyone responsible for crimes against humanity from the ICC’s jurisdiction. The rules of the ICC are clear that it has jurisdiction over crimes committed in a state’s territory while the latter was a party to the Rome Statute.
~Center for International Law


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Associated Press]



27 02 2018

THIS BLOG’S Slam Book Series started six years ago. The most recent one was posted in 2016 – Duterte’s slam book no less. Today, we continue the series with the slam book entry of controversial and infamous communications assistant secretary Mocha Uson.


“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.”
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sound Bites
“The facts are easily verifiable, the public record voluminous and indisputable — if only [Mocha Uson], her salary and the state resources at her command paid for by the people’s money, had the basic integrity to Google history instead of using her official perch to propagandize falsely, perniciously.”
~Editorial: Lying and deception in post-truth world


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


21 10 2017

ISNILON HAPILON and Omar Maute are dead. A salute to our soldiers! That’s the good news: Marawi has been liberated from terrorists. The bad news is the country has yet to be liberated from Duterte.

President Duterte said martial law in Mindanao would not be lifted “until the last terrorist is taken out.” That’s not a problem, Mr. President. You just stay in Manila; don’t go to Mindanao.

President Duterte warned jeepney operators of a crackdown if they don’t modernize their units by the end of the year. “January! ‘Pag ‘di kayo na-modernize, umalis kayo,” said Duterte who once gave himself six months to curb drugs and criminality or he would resign.

Old jeepneys emit too much carbon dioxide and put the health of Filipinos at risk, according to Duterte – an old president who emits too much vitriol and puts the entire nation at risk.

Halloween is the time of the year when a number of people wear masks and costumes to hide their true selves, hoping to win the top prize. It’s also called elections.

People are now talking about Halloween parties. In Davao, President Duterte’s grandchildren have an annual tradition. They scare their Lolo Digong by wearing menacing costumes. For this year’s Halloween party, Duterte’s grandchildren will come as human bank waivers.

Bad Weather
Super-typhoon Paolo is the latest weather disturbance to enter the Philippines. Many Filipinos are not aware though that Paolo has entered the Philippine Area of Responsibility. Even President Duterte never spoke about it. If super-typhoon Paolo makes a landfall, experts fear the damage to agriculture and infrastructure may reach 6.4B pesos.

Reports say Lorraine Badoy-Partosa has been appointed undersecretary of the presidential communications office. The controversial Ka-DDS used to be an assistant secretary at the Social Welfare department. The transfer is hardly surprising since it’s public knowledge that Lorraine’s only concern is the welfare of Rodrigo Duterte.

Graft Case
Former Caloocan City Mayor Recom Echeverri, who is facing nine counts of graft, refused to enter a plea on two counts. The court automatically made a plea on his behalf. It entered a plea of “not surprised.”

Losing Streak
The UST Growling Tigers are still winless in men’s basketball. They have been beaten nine straight times this season. Experts say if UST wants to BEAT its rivals, the coaching staff should hire members of the Aegis Jvris Fraternity.

Based on a detailed chat group log, members of the Aegis Jvris Fraternity intended to cover up the death of hazing victim Horatio Castillo III. Some 30 frat members in the chat group discussed how to conceal evidence; reach a settlement with Castillo’s parents, and find ways to explain to their wives and girlfriends why their balls suddenly went missing.

According to Safe Cities Index 2017, Manila is one of the least safe cities in the world. It ranked 55th out of 60 cities. At No. 1, Tokyo was named the safest city while Singapore came in second place prompting Alan Peter Cayetano to demand a recount.

Unsafe Indeed
A Miss Earth 2017 candidate was robbed in Manila. Her cellphone was snatched. The victim was identified as Polli Cannabis, Miss Belarus. Worse, when Miss Cannabis reported the incident to the police, she was asked to undergo a drug test.
“A man don’t need to act tough if he is. Men that put on a show are spineless more often than not.”
~Eric Powell, ‘The Goon’

Sound Bites
“’Pag ‘di kayo na-modernize, umalis kayo. Mahirap kayo… sige. Magtiis kayo sa hirap at gutom. Wala ako pakialam.”
~President Duterte

You deserve the leaders you elect.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Marawi: Agence France Presse; Jeepney:; Masks: How Stuff Works; Lorraine Badoy-Partosa: DSWD; Aegis Jvris Fraternity: Benjie Castro/GMA News]


15 10 2017

Maalaala Mo Kaya
Episode No. 6.4B

“I read the condemnation of the European Union against me. I will tell them fuck you. Do not fuck with us! You leave my country in 24 hours. All of you! I repeat it, fuck you!”

(Before you continue, click this video for the “live” scoring. Wait for the music to start before reading.)

“May mga pagkakataon sa ating buhay na nakararamdam tayo ng matinding poot. Walang pagsidlan ang ating galit sa mga tao, bagay, o pangyayari sa ating paligid. Sa ganitong mga sandali, dapat bang pinipigil o mas dapat na ilabas natin ang ating tunay na damdamin? Paano natin lalabanan ang nakasanayang udyok na magmura, magbanta, manakit, o pumatay?

Magandang gabi mga Kapamilya. Sa espesyal na pang-anibersaryong handog ng ating programa, tampok ang kuwento ng isa nating kababayan na aminado mang galit sa ating himpilan ay patuloy pa rin naman sa panonood ng ating programa. Hindi ko alam kung siya ay tanga o ipokrito – pwede rin namang pareho.

Ang letter sender na ito ay itatago na lamang natin sa pangalang… Rodrigo. Narito ang kanyang kwento…

Dear Charo,

‘Tang ina mo! Matagal ko nang ipinadala ang sulat na ito pero ngayon mo lang babasahin?? Gago! Gumastos ako sa selyo sa post office kaya ‘wag mo akong gaguhin, ‘tang ina! Ginago na ako ng ABS-CBN noong eleksyon. ‘Di ako papayag na gaguhin ulit n’yo ngayon! Sabihin mo sa boss mong si Gabby Concepcion, gahaman siya sa pera, ‘tang ina niya!

O, ano pang hinihintay mo, ituloy mo na ang pagbabasa ng liham ko!

So ‘yon na nga Charo, hindi ko makontrol ang galit ko. Katulad last week, kumulo ang aking dugo nang mabasa ko ang headline na ito ng putang inang diyaryo ng mga Prieto:


Kaya nang mag-speech ako nang sumunod na araw, hindi ako nakapigil.

Putang ina n’yo EU, ang kapal ng mukha n’yong makialam sa mga patayan dito. Mga ipokrito! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Lumayas kayo sa bansa ko – ngayon din! Fuck you!

Ganung level ang galit ko, Charo. Sukdulan kung sukdulan! ‘Tapos kinagabihan, nalaman ko, hindi pala officials ng EU ang minura ko. Mali pala ang na-feed sa aking info. Putang ina n’yo Inquirer, pahamak kayo. Fuck you! Magsasara din kayo tang ina n’yo!

Ang nakakatawa Charo, katulad ng dati, panic mode na naman si Abella. ‘Di alam kung paano ipaliliwanag ang sinabi ko. Ha-ha-ha ‘Di ba mukha na naman siyang tanga? Kaya mahal na mahal ko ‘yan eh. Kahit ilang beses kong gawing gago, nandiyan pa rin sa puwesto. Petmalu!

Ito nga pala ang sabi niya:


Kahapon, may nagtanong din sa akin Charo: bakit daw tahimik si Alan Peter Cayetano ng DFA kahit minura-mura ko at pinalayas ang EU. Sagot ko: ‘Tang ina. Paano magsasalita ‘yon eh nagpapagaling pa ng lapnos after ng interview niya sa Al Jazeera? Hashtag burn! Konting pang-unawa naman mga lodi.

Akala ko, matatahimik na ako after ng isyu sa EU. Mali ako, Charo. Kinabukasan sa palasyo, may speech na naman ako. Eh mainit ang ulo ko dahil ‘di nag-flush ang tae ko. Tang ina, nagtapon kasi ng tissue sa inidoro si Honeylet kaya nagbara. Anyway, sabi ko sa speech ko: ‘Pag ‘di nagkaroon ng peace agreement sa Mindanao, malamang utusan na naman ni Hashim Salamat na mag-alsa ang mga rebeldeng Moro.

‘Tang ina! Pagbukas ko ng TV noong gabi, napanood ko sa news, 14 years na palang patay si Hashim Salamat. Pisting yawa! Pero ok lang, sabi ko. Ang importante, ‘yong mga Ka-DDS, paniwalang-paniwala.

Ba’t kaya sila ganun Charo? Bilib na bilib sila sa lahat ng sinasabi ko? Kahit magsinungaling pa ako, tinatanggap pa rin nila! Werrrrpa! Ha-ha!

Gusto ko nga palang magpasalamat sa Pulse Asia, Charo; otsenta porsiyento pa rin ang approval rating ko. Petmalu! Salamat mga lodi! Akalain mo ‘yon? Ilang linggong pinag-usapan ang Kian Delos Santos issue, na-expose ang kawalanghiyaan ng mga pulis ko, nanahimik ako sa 6.4B shabu, at nabisto ang kalokohan ni Pulong pero 80 percent pa rin ang aking rating? Anong klaseng tao ba kayo? Bobo? Hahaha Joke lang. Tang ina n’yo, mahal ko kayo.

Gusto ko ring umapela Charo sa mga Ka-DDS natin: Huwag kayong maniniwala sa SWS survey na nagsasabing bumagsak ang rating ko. Dilawan ‘yan! Kasama ‘yan ng Simbahan at ng mga Komunistang gustong magpabagsak sa akin. Pero hindi kayo magtatagumpay! Hawak ko sa bayag ang Senado. Hawak ko sa bayag ang mga kongresista. Hawak ko sa bayag ang Korte Suprema. Putang ina, kaya pala itong kamay ko, ang baho-baho na. Puro bayag ang hawak ko! Ha-ha-ha

‘Pag ‘di kayo tumigil sa plano n’yong destabilization, magdedeklara ako ng revolutionary government. Tang ina n’yo, gagawin ko talaga ‘yan! Oo! First time mangyayari sa kasaysayan ng mundo: isang lider na hawak sa bayag lahat ng sangay ng gobyerno ang magdedeklara ng rebolusyon laban mismo sa mga tao. Isang petmalung palakpak mga lodi!

Maiba ako Charo, alam kong nanonood si Inday Sara ngayon. Sabi niya sa putang inang Trillanes kahapon, “Prove to everybody that piece of shit paper of bank accounts you are waving around is not fake, Pinocchio. Ang babaeng Bisaya, hindi umaatras. Kayang-kaya kong makipag away.”

Salamat sa paghahamon ng away, Inday Sara. Anak nga kita. Fuck you, Pinocchio!

Bago ko tapusin ang aking liham, may request lang ako sa iyo Charo. At susundin mo ang request na ito kung ayaw mong ipasara ko ang istasyon n’yo. Ang gusto kong gumanap bilang Rodrigo sa MMK ay ‘yong kayang bigyang justice ang character ko. In short, hindi si Piolo. ‘Yong John Lloyd Cruz na lang siguro.

Sa mga kokontra, tang ina n’yo!

Hanggang dito na lamang Charo.

Sanga pala, ilang taon ka na ba Charo? Bakit parang may asim ka pa rin? Pasyal ka naman dito sa palasyo ‘pag wala si Honeylet. Ipagluluto kita ng masarap na longganisa.

Again, thank you sa pagsasadula ng buhay ko. Sigurado akong mataas ang rating nito.

Teka, pwede ba akong humula sa title ng episode? Gusto kong manalo ng load eh. Ibibigay ko sana kay Kitty.

Last na ito Charo, sa aking mga kritiko: fuck you! ‘Pag ako nagdeklara ng revolutionary government, todas kayong lahat, mga ‘tang ina n’yo. Fuck you!!!!

Walang galang,


“Alam mo Rodrigo, hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ko sa liham mo. At lalong hindi ko alam kung anong purpose o goal ng inilahad mong kuwento. Walang kwenta! Tang ina. Paulit-ulit ka! Pati sa mga katangahan mo, proud ka pa. Mabuti pa pumirma ka na lang ng bank waiver; hindi ‘yong puro ka mura at porma ‘king ina ka!

Pasensya na po sa mga nanonood na bata. Hindi na ako nakapagpigil.

Sa susunod na Sabado, isang kwentong may kabuluhan ang ihahatid namin sa inyo. Pasensya na po ulit kung puro mura ang napanood n’yo kanina. Dadagdagan na lang namin ang premyo ng makakahula sa title ng episode.

Ito po si Charo Santos, maraming salamat at magandang gabi, Kapamilya.



















Ang nakahula sa tamang title ay tatanggap ng P3,000 load at libreng kiss sa lips mula kay Rodrigo. Bawal tumanggi. Hindi ka namin pinilit sumali. Ginusto mo ‘yan ‘di ba? Congratulations!
“Rudeness is a means to attract attention, assert power, cover-up ineptitude, deflect personal insecurities, and intimidate meeker people.”
~Kilroy J. Oldster, ‘Dead Toad Scrolls’

Sound Bites
“Based on the Information itself, the accusation of illegal trade of drugs against petitioner is blatantly a pure invention. This court, the last bulwark of democracy and liberty in the land, should never countenance such a fake charge.”
~Associate Justice Antonio Carpio’s dissenting opinion on the Leila De Lima case


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Charo Santos: ABSCBN Entertainment; Headlines:]


30 05 2017

NETIZENS slammed the State-run Philippine News Agency (PNA) and its head Martin Andanar for using a Vietnam War photo (sans attribution) for its article on the Marawi City siege. The article was even re-posted by Assistant Sec. Oh No A Scum in her Facebook page. Earlier in May, the PNA also uploaded “fake news” on extrajudicial killings in the country.

On Tuesday, May 30, Andanar’s office issued a statement saying the mistakes “have cast doubt on our integrity.” What integrity?!


HERE’S how the Philippine Fake News Agency would probably report the latest developments in the country.

An agent of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency inspects a shabu laboratory in Sta. Cruz, Laguna. (PFNA)

Expressing support for President Duterte’s all-out war on drugs, hunky residents of Davao City volunteered to rid the city of drug pushers and drug users. #DefendtheRepublic (PFNA)

ISIS rebels raising a flag atop Mt. Banahaw in Luzon. President Duterte mulls declaring Martial Law in the region. (PFNA)

An unidentified resident volunteers to bring food to government soldiers. #DefendTheRepublic (PFNA)

Malacañang dismisses rumors President Duterte is protecting alleged big-time drug lord Peter Lim. This PFNA file photo shows the President threatening to shoot Lim if he continues to operate in Mindanao.

Kuha ito sa isinagawang raid ng pulisya sa hinihinalang pugad ng mga drug addicts sa Navotas City. Ang nasukol na lalaki sa larawan ay lulong sa ipinagbabawal na gamot. (PFNA)

Police rescued at least a dozen children from their abusive drug-dependent parents in Caloocan and Malabon last Thursday. (PFNA)

Namamahinga ang ilang construction workers sa itinatayo nilang gusali sa Makati City. Kumpiyansa ang mga negosyante sa takbo ng ekonomiya sa ilalim ng administrasyong Duterte. (PFNA)

Tourists cross a street in Lanao Del Sur. Peace-loving foreigners appreciate the declaration of Martial Law in Mindanao. (PFNA)

Tumulong ang mga mangingisdang Pinoy sa pagsagip sa ilang miyembro ng Chinese Navy matapos lumubog ang sinasakyang patrol boat ng mga ito sa West Philippine Sea. Pinatunayan nito ang lalo pang tumitibay na pagkakaibigan ng Pilipinas at China. (PFNA)

PNP Chief Ronald Bato De La Rosa has denied reports the number of riding-in-tandem vigilantes is on the rise. (PFNA)
“You can sway a thousand men by appealing to their prejudices quicker than you can convince one man by logic.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

Sound Bites
a.k.a. The Ultimate ‘Burn’ of the Month


The psychology behind fake news
The first is “motivated reasoning,” the idea that we are motivated to believe whatever confirms our opinions.

Huwag tanga.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PNA via Rappler, and Wikimedia Commons]


24 04 2017

MANILA MAYOR Joseph Estrada celebrated his 80th birthday recently at the Manila Hotel. In attendance were the who’s who of Philippine politics like President Duterte, former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and husband Mike, former vice president Jejomar Binay, detained ex-senator Jinggoy Estrada, former senator Juan Ponce Enrile, Bongbong Marcos, and Imelda Marcos. When Satan saw this group photo, he said, “Uwian na bes. Nanalo na ako.”


Most Influential
Duterte fanatics are livid. The President topped TIME’s online poll for its annual most influential people list but the TIME 100 write up written by former Colombian president Cesar Gaviria was critical of the government’s war on drugs. Fanatics are appealing to their fellow Ka-DDS to boycott TIME – a news magazine which, they neither read nor buy to begin with.


Palace Spokesman Ernesto Abella: Sir, kasama po kayo sa online survey ng TIME.

President Duterte: Sus! ‘Di ako naniniwala sa survey-survey na ‘yan.

Abella: Sir, grabe ang support ng mga Ka-DDS, nangunguna kayo.

Duterte: Sus! Thank you na lang.

Abella: Sir, nanalo na kayo! Kayo ang No. 1!

Duterte: Congrats sa ating lahat. Sabihin mo sa mga tao natin, maraming salamat.

Abella: Sir, kalalabas lang: negative ang write up ng TIME.

Duterte: Put*ng ina kasi. ‘Di ba sabi ko, hindi dapat pinaniniwalaan ang mga survey na ‘yan? Ang kulit n’yo eh. ‘Tang ina.

It’s Time II
Abella: Sir, panalo kayo sa TIME 100 online poll.

Duterte: Ano ‘yon?

Abella: Most influential people in the world. Ibinoto kayo ng mga Ka-DDS.

Duterte: Wow. Sinu-sino bang kasama ko doon?

Abella: Nandun sina Pope Francis, Theresa May, Elizabeth Warren, Vladimir Putin, Melinda Gates…

Duterte: Eh ‘di ok.

Abella: ‘Tsaka si Senator De Lima, sir.


Honoris Causa
Amid protests from UP students, faculty and alumni, President Duterte declined the offer of the State University’s Board of Regents (BOR) to confer him the Doctor of Laws degree, honoris causa. Records show the honorary degree for Duterte was proposed by UP President Danny Concepcion. The motion was seconded by Regents Angelo Jimenez and Frederick Farolan, both Duterte appointees in the BOR. Despite Duterte’s rejection of the honorary degree, Malacañang assured Farolan and Jimenez there are other ways to win Order of Lapu-Lapu (award) from the President in the future.

Honoris Causa II
Abella: Sir, may offer na honorary degree ang UP.

Duterte: Anong kailangang gawin?

Abella: A-attend ka lang sa graduation nila.

Duterte: ‘Yun lang?

Abella: Yes sir.

Duterte: Sige. Kailan ‘yan?

Abella: Sanga pala sir, maraming bumabatikos sa offer na honorary degree. ‘Di raw kayo deserving dahil sa human rights record n’yo. June 25 nga pala ‘yung graduation.



Honoris Causa III
Abella: Sir, may offer na honorary degree ang UP.

Duterte: Hindi ako tumatanggap ng kahit anong award. As a matter of personal and official policy, I do not accept awards.

Abella: Pero sir, ‘di ba tinanggap n’yo ‘yung ‘Man of the Year Award’ last February from the Manila Times ‘tsaka ‘yung Knight Grand Cross award mula sa Knights of Rizal? Nasa report ng Rappler.

Duterte: Gagu! Sino bang paniwalaan mo: ako o ‘yung fake news ng Rappler?

Abella: Eh sir, nandun ako nang tanggapin n’yo ‘yung dalawang award eh.

Duterte: Gusto mong ikaw ang awardan ko?

Abella: Tama sir ang desisyon n’yo. Say no to UP!

VP’s Birthday
Last April 23, Vice President Leni Robredo quietly spent her 52nd birthday at home with her family. Mocha Uson and Bruce Rivera are still figuring out which part of the celebration is an impeachable offense.
“You should not honor men more than truth.”

Sound Bites
“With due respect to the University of the Philippines, I do not accept even when I was mayor. As a matter of personal and official policy, I do not accept awards. I simply decline. Kasi hindi ako tumtanggap, ever since.”
~President Duterte


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Erap Party: CTTO; Oblation: Inquirer.Net]


17 04 2017

CONGRATULATIONS to President Duterte for topping the TIME readers’ poll of the “most influential” people in the world this year. The magazine was quick to clarify however, those who voted for Duterte were not actually TIME readers but TIME bashers. Still, congratulations!

Congratulations also to Kris Aquino for landing an acting project in Hollywood. Unconfirmed reports say she is set to do the remake of the hit comedy from the year 2000 starring Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott. The movie’s working title is “Dude, Where’s My Career?”

Order of Lapu-Lapu
President Duterte recently announced the creation of the Order of Lapu-Lapu, an award for anyone who will render “invaluable or extraordinary service to a campaign or advocacy of the President.” In short, ‘asslickers.’

Order of Lapu-Lapu II
When asked why he decided to name the award ‘Order of Lapu-Lapu,’ President Duterte said, “Masyadong susyal kung ‘Order of Stonefish.’”

Vice President Leni Robredo recorded the highest distrust rating among the top national officials, the latest Pulse Asia survey showed. In totally unrelated news, Malacañang will confer the Order of Lapu-Lapu on Mocha Uson and Duterte’s keyboard warriors.

Distrust II
According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, the number of Filipinos who distrust Vice President Leni Robredo is higher than those who distrust self-confessed two-timer, death penalty advocate and traditional politician Pantaleon Alvarez. Meanwhile, another Pulse Asia survey revealed Leni Robredo has the worst PR team.

Protest Fee
Less than 24 hours after the Supreme Court ordered Bongbong Marcos to pay the election protest fee of 66.2-million pesos (either in full or installment basis), the defeated vice presidential candidate immediately paid 36 million pesos. In the words of Imelda Marcos, “Maliit na bagay.”

Duterte fanatic and sex blogger Mocha Uson as well as controversial ex-jueteng bagman, and defeated senatorial candidate Sandra Cam joined President Duterte in his recent visit to the Middle East. The delegation has returned the other day. Uson and Cam can’t wait for the next junket with the President. Let’s hope the universe cooperates and those two get booked on a United Airlines flight.
“I get so tired listening to ‘One million dollars here; one million dollars there.’ It’s so petty.”
~Imelda Marcos

Sound Bites
“Indeed Filipinos find in the President a kindred spirit – a leader who acts for the common good,
~Palace spokesman Ernesto Abella on Duterte’s topping the TIME online poll

“Well, I don’t need to tell you what I did because I’m not that kind of person.”
~Sandra Cam when asked how was she helping the OFWs


I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Ezra Acayan/Reuters :Duterte]


9 04 2017


Kagalang-galang Rodrigo R. Duterte
Pangulo ng Pilipinas
Sa sambayanang Pilipino
Ukol sa Mahal na Araw
[Ika-9 ng Abril 2017]

Ngayong panahon ng Kuwaresma, p*tang i*a, ang init! Namawis man ang kilikili ko. Pasensya na. Bakit? Sino ba sa inyo ang hindi nainitan? Lakasan mo nga ang aircon.

Ituloy ko na ang statement ko. Ngayong panahon ng Kuwaresma, ginugunita natin ang buhay at pagpapakasakit ni Hesukristo. Ikaw ba naman ang hampasin at ipako, siyempre, masaktan ka talaga.

Bilang mga tagasunod ni Hesus, nararapat lamang na gamitin nating inspirasyon ang kanyang buhay. Madami ding followers itong si Hesus, ‘no? Siguro, kung nag-Facebook man siya noon, trinding siya lagi. Kabahan man si Muka.

Bilang isang bansa, marami na tayong napatunayan sa landas ng pagkakaisa, pagkakawanggawa, at pagmamalasakit sa kapwa. Sino bang sumulat ng statement na ito? Ang haba man ng words. Laktawan ko na ang iba.

Marami na akong nabigyan ng trabaho. ‘Yung mga walang ginagawang artista, nailagay ko na sa pwisto sa gobyerno. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga gago. Wala namang civil service eligibility, yawa!

At dahil ayaw natin sa kurapsyon, marami na rin akong sinibak. Tapos sasabihin ng mga gagong media, “Eh sino bang nag-appoint – ‘di ba ikaw din?” Putang ina! Siyempre ako. Ako ang prisidinti eh. Eh ‘di ako. ‘Tang ina n’yo, gago!

Ituloy ko na ang statement ko.

Si Hudas ay nagtaksil kay Hesus. Gago! Parang ‘yung isa d’yan. Nagpunta pa sa UN para magsumbong. Ulol! Eh ‘di magsumbong ka! Alis na lang tayo sa UN. Ikaw na lang mag-isa ang mag-miyimbro – ‘tang ina.

Si Hesus ay inaresto at iniharap kay Pilato. Sabi sa Bible, trial daw. Gago! Walang trial, trial dun. Tinanong lang ni Pilato ang taumbayan, tapos, sentensyado na. Death penalty agad. Kaya sa mga ayaw sa death penalty, tama si Manny, nasa Bible ‘yun.

Matapos ipako at mamatay sa krus si Hesus, umiyak ang kanyang inang si Maria at iba pang kamag-anak. ‘Kita n’yo na? Nanahimik man sila kahit pinatay ang relative nila. Dito, isisi man lahat sa akin ng media. Gago! Wala ngang reklamo ang kamag-anak, tapos kayong media nagrereklamo ng EJK, EJK. ‘Tang ina n’yo. EJK n’yo mukha n’yo. Ulol!

Sino bang sumulat ng statement na ito? Masyadong mahaba. Ayaw ko nang ituloy.

Basta ngayong Holy Week, tuloy ang laban sa druga. Huwag kayong maniwala sa tsismis na kaya lumilindul eh galit sa akin ang Panginoon. Ulol! Gusto ng Diyos na patayin ang mga adik at pusher kaya lumilindul.

Ako ang paniwalaan n’yo. Huwag ang media. Tang ina nila. Hangga’t buhay ako, puprotektahan ko kayo sa adik at pusher. Isama na rin ninyo ang lindul. Ipa-tokhang ko man ang lindul.

‘Tang ina.


THE CHRISTIAN tradition of Lent culminates this Holy Week. It’s the season of betrayal, abandonment, pain and suffering. Or as that’s also called, “the past eight months.”

Many Christians have given up something for Lent: junk food, smoking, infidelity, alcohol, etc. You know, the bad things. In fact, many thinking Filipinos are ‘giving up’ this administration.

In different parts of the country, expect to see senakulo – a play depicting the life and sufferings of Jesus. Manny Pacquiao and our congressmen will surely enjoy that moment when Jesus is sentenced to death.

President Duterte is invited to attend the senakulo organized by PNP Chief Bato De La Rosa. In the modern version of the play, Jesus suffered, and was later, killed inside Camp Crame.

Also in that play, relatives of ‘Jesus’ easily identified his lifeless body. There was a cardboard sign that reads, “Nagmamagaling ako. Huwag tularan.”

On Facebook, a furious Mocha Uson lambasted the organizers of a senakulo for rejecting her during the auditions. Apparently, she wanted to play the role of the Virgin – her lifelong dream.

To fulfill her dream, Mocha Uson and her Ka-DDS friends, Jimmy Bondoc, Arnell Ignacio, Kat De Castro and Vivian Velez produced their own stage play. In their version of the senakulo, the fanatics crucified Leni Robredo.
“All spiritual practices are illusions created by illusionists to escape illusion.”
~Ram Dass

Sound Bites
“You know, you’re just a f—ing employee, why don’t you have a heart for the poor? You know you are so young and you’re already bought by the greed and selfishness. I don’t like it.”
~DENR Sec. Gina Lopez to BusinessWorld reporter Janina Lim

Have a safe week! Enjoy your vacation!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



18 02 2017

ALLEGED pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles is in the news again. You already know why. The other day, reporters went to the Correctional Institution for Women to interview her. They found Napoles at the mini-grocery store inside the prison compound. She was buying some important stuff that day: 1) Soap 2) Sanitary napkin 3) Solicitor General.

Solicitor General Jose Calida, the chief government lawyer has exerted efforts to acquit alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles. Before the multibillion-peso scam was uncovered, Napoles was quoted to have said, “We own the government.” That was before her prison term. Apparently though, she has reclaimed it.

Earlier this week, Jose Calida said alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Napoles was “innocent and must be freed.” That’s Jose Calida, the chief government lawyer, our Sold Gen. Sorry, I mean, Sol Gen.

Lest we forget…
Reposting an excerpt from Krissy’s ‘interview’ with Janet Lim-Napoles in 2013 while the ‘queen’ was in hiding.

Krissy: Hi Ms Janet! We’ll play a rapid trivia game. Sasagot ka lang sa mga questions ko. Kung anong unang pumasok sa isip mo, ‘yun ang sabihin mo. Game Ka Na Ba?

Janet Napoles: Game na!

Let’s start! Ano ang G sa NGO?


Bongga! Kumpletuhin ang kasabihan: “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng… ”


I’ll accept that! NEXT: Sino ang tatay ni Kiefer Ravena?


Complete name please!

Bong Revilla! Ay, ano ba ‘yon? Sorry. Ravena pala!

Careful! NEXT: Kung ang beef ay galing sa baka, at ang venison ay galing sa usa, ang pork mo ay galing sa… ?


I said PORK, Janet!


PORK sabi eh!

Estrada? Ay, sorry Pareng Jinggoy. Nadulas lang.

Again, PORK. Last chance na!


Time’s up! Nakakaloka ka! Hindi kita kinaya.

* * * * *

Hidden Wealth
According to Sen. Antonio Trillanes, President Duterte had as much as P2.4 billion in bank deposits which he failed to declare in his SALN. The President vows to resign if Trillanes could prove his claim. Last year, Duterte also promised to resign if he fails to solve the country’s drug problem in 3 to 6 months. Duterte’s children said Trillanes’s allegation was recycled. Just like their father’s promise to resign.

Psych Test
President Duterte’s eldest son and Davao City Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte says Senator Trillanes should take a psychiatric test “as something is very very wrong with his mind.” Well, yeah. Because if there’s someone who should be familiar with nut cases, it has to be Rodrigo Duterte’s children.

Psych Test II
Paolo Duterte said Senator Trillanes must take take a psychiatric test “as something is very very wrong with his mind.” In response, Trillanes was like, “Hiyang-hiya naman ang sira ng ulo ko sa katinuan ng tatay mo!”

The Department of Justice has filed three cases against Sen. Leila de Lima, Ronnie Dayan and several others for alleged violation of the Comprehensive Dangerous Drugs Act. Good job Vitaliano Aguirre! Goodbye De Lima! Goodbye Dayan! Goodbye Immigration bribery scandal!

Cross Dressing
Expressing his opposition to the anti-discrimination bill during a Senate session, Manny Pacquiao said men should only dress as men and women should only dress as women. Then, he hurriedly left the building to catch a very long flight back to where he lives – the Dark Ages.

Death Penalty
Congressmen have removed plunder from the list of heinous crimes punishable with death. When asked why, the House Speaker said, “We can’t have empty session halls.”

New Continent?
Scientists recently announced the discovery of Zealandia, a hidden continent attached to New Zealand. Almost entirely submerged in water, the huge landmass qualifies as a continent scientists say. When it heard the news, Pluto advised Zealandia to not ‘celebrate’ just yet, “Just look what they did to me! #stillhurting #cantmoveon”

Scientists discovered a hidden continent. But President Duterte is skeptic. He said he would resign if scientists could prove Zealandia was indeed a continent.
“No matter how many lies you use to disguise it or how many excuses you bury it beneath, the truth will never cease to be true.”
~Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“’Yung propaganda value ni Duterte, willing siyang mag-open, pero kung titingnan ang statement niya, wala sa posisyon ang AMLC to determine net worth. Kung talagang wala kang tinatago, Mr. President, sign a waiver. Buksan mo ang transaction history ng accounts mo. Hindi kita tatantanan, Mr. President.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes

“Even in the Bible, we can read na ang babae, dapat magsuot na pambabae; at ang lalaki, magsuot ng panlalaki.”
~Manny Pacquiao

2017 na. ‘Wag tanga.

Three lawyers who defended Janet Lim Napoles are staunch Duterte supporters. One of them is now a deputy commissioner of the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Napoles: Philippine Star; Paolo Duterte: Interaksyon; Zealandia: Sci-News.Com]


12 12 2016

AFTER several hearings on the reported extrajudicial killings, a joint Senate committee report concluded (that) the non-stop slaughter of drug suspects (almost 6,000 deaths to date) were NOT state-sponsored. Apparently, the senators prefer a more specific term: Duterte-encouraged.

Death Penalty
Voting 12-6, the House justice committee approved the proposed bill seeking to restore the death penalty –- to the surprise of many Filipinos who asked, “Wala pang death penalty?!? ‘YUNG LAGAY NA ‘YAN, WALA PA PALANG DEATH PENALTY?!?” #AllCapsParaIntense

Human Rights
Last Saturday, December 10 was International Human Rights Day. Presidential Communications Office Assistant Secretary Ana Marie Banaag said Malacañang was one with the international community in celebrating Human Rights Day. That was the latest joke from the palace.

An NBI probe concluded that Albuera, Leyte Mayor Rolando Espinosa was murdered by the CIDG led by CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos, a suspected drug coddler. Despite the findings, President Duterte said he would not let Marcos and his men go to jail. Even Duterte fanatics were like, “’Tang ina! Ano ba talaga?!”

CIDG Region 8 head, Supt. Marvin Marcos, who is reportedly involved in criminal activities, traces his roots to the family of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. You know the idiom, ‘it runs in the family.’

No Intention
Vice President Leni Robredo says she has not read and has no intention to read the Facebook blog of starlet Mocha Uson who has consistently spread malicious and baseless information against her. That’s understandable though because there are certainly better things to do than reading Mocha Uson’s blog. For example, anything.

The Vice President has recently denied malicious rumors that she is pregnant. Some of her supporters believe it’s Mocha Uson who’s probably pregnant because Uson reportedly wakes up in the middle of the night craving… attention.

No Intention II
According to Vice President Leni Robredo, she has not read the blog of starlet Mocha Uson and has no intention to read it. Or as Mocha Uson would say on Facebook, “Vice President Leni Robredo, naglilihi, galit na galit sa blog ko.”

Reports say the number of jobless Filipinos has dropped in the third quarter of the year. In totally unrelated news, online trolls thanked the government for giving them a job.

Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news. You’ll be jobless soon government trolls!

Miss U
Miss Universe 2017, which will be held on January 30 next year, has been officially launched in Manila. You can see the excitement on their faces: Pia Wurtzbach, the candidates, and Chavit Singson.

Tourism undersecretary Kat De Castro is very visible these days. She’s the pageant’s biggest supporter.
“Never be content to sit back and watch as others’ rights are trampled upon. Your rights could be next.”
~DaShanne Stokes

Sound Bites
“Tingin ko kailangan mo lang ng trolls kung kailangan mong humanap ng kakampi. But because marami namang like-minded and pareho nating pakiramdam sa mga bagay, tingin ko hindi natin kailangan sumama sa bandwagon.”
~Vice President Leni Robredo

Ignore them.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Leni/Duterte:; Marvin Marcos: ABSCBN News; Gordon: Rappler; Miss Universe: @LeilasINQ]


8 05 2013

FORMER NBA star Yao Ming and his Shanghai Sharks team paid a courtesy call on Vice President Jejomar Binay last Monday, May 6. The Vice President easily developed fondness for the Chinese cager. After all, their names have something in common: dynasty.

Vice President Binay told Yao Ming, “Politics is also a popular sport here in the Philippines.” In fact, if politics were basketball, the Binay family could form a team.

Yao Ming presented Vice President Binay with a Sharks jersey and an autographed basketball. The jersey was a bit wrinkled so he asked Nancy to have it ironed.

According to the Vice President, he’d seen someone who’s eight feet tall but the former Houston Rockets center is “different.” Binay described Yao as “truly terrifying.” To which, Yao Ming said, “Look who’s talking!”

Kris vs. Priest
According to Father Melvin Castro of the CBCP, for the sake of delicadeza, Kris Aquino should stay away from politics. The TV host replied, “You first.”

Despite the reported infighting in the administration coalition, deputy presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte insists there’s no rift in Team PNoy. In other news, there’s no traffic on Edsa.

1ANGSex Appeal
Aside from the fact that Sonny Angara is “young and idealistic,” Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she’s voting for the Team PNoy candidate because he’s “full of sex appeal.” Related fact: Senator Santiago didn’t vote for President Aquino in 2010.

Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago is voting for a candidate with these qualities: young, idealistic, full of sex appeal. Manong Ernie Maceda was like, “Tse!”

The Fugitive
He’s all over the news granting interviews to major networks. Do you know where Cezar Mancao is right now? The NBI neither.

The National Bureau of Investigation admits it is having a hard time tracking down fugitive ex-police officer Cezar Mancao. Ping Lacson taught him well.

1ANGPhreatic Explosion
On Tuesday, Mayon Volcano spewed rocks, smoke, and ashes killing at least five mountain climbers. President Aquino advised residents and tourists to stay away from the restive mountain. He also advised Albay Governor Joey Salceda to stay away from UNA candidates.

At press time, a large cloud of ash and smoke is still visible near the crater of Mayon Volcano. President Aquino is hoping that the volcano would stop smoking soon. Mayon Volcano is hoping the same for the president.

Rated XPG
A day after issuing a denial, former Caloocan City councilor Marjorie Barretto admitted that she was the nude woman in scandalous photos that came out in tabloids and the Internet. There were four pics. One word: embarrassing.
“In our age there is no such thing as ‘keeping out of politics.’ All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred and schizophrenia.”
~George Orwell

Sound Bites
“Hoy sobra ka naman! Blacker, blacker. At this point, hindi na brown eh. Black na, kaya blacker.”
~Nancy Binay’s reply when the press jokingly told her she’s the brown version of TV host Kris Aquino

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



7 02 2013

JUST LIKE LAST YEAR, the Aquino family organized a surprise birthday party for President Noy at the Aquino residence on Times Street, Quezon City. The event was hosted by the president’s youngest sister, Krissy.

A video of the event was anonymously sent to the Professional Heckler. Here’s the full transcript.

(Noy enters the house; turns the lights on)


Hi Noy! Naloka ka ‘noh? We’re all here again! Aha-ha-ha!

(Coughs) Grabe naman kayong manggulat! (Coughs) Kung inatake ako rito, (Coughs) kayo ang sisisihin ko. Ano bang meron? (Coughs)

Hellooooo! It’s your 53rd birthday, remember!? Hay nakuuu, tumatanda ka na talaga. But in fairness, ‘di halata. Para ka lang 52! Aha-ha-ha

Ballsy: Guys, kids, all together now: “Haaaaaappy birthdaaaay to youuuuu!!!”

Thank you, (Coughs) thank you. Pwede bang magpahinga muna ako?

Noooo! ‘Di pwede ‘no! May surprise pa kami sa ‘yo. Kasi before ka dumating, pinakialaman na naman ni Ate Pinky ang answering machine mo.

PINKY: Krissy!! Anong pinakialaman?! I did not do anything…

BALLSY: Sige na nga, ako na. Ako na ang nakialam.

‘Yun na! To the rescue ang eldest! Winnnnnner! Bongga ka talaga Ate.

(Coughs) O ‘asan na ang surprise? (Coughs) Antok na talaga ako.

Ay, agad-agad? Helllllo! Appreciate naman our effort. Puro ka kasi trabaho. Sa Christmas trabaho, sa Holy Week trabaho, pati ba naman sa birthday mo, trabaho pa rin?!

Of course! ‘Kita mo naman ang economy Krissy… 6.6 percent growth! We surpassed our target for 2012!

‘Yun na! How can I argue with success nga naman? Note to self: ‘Krissy, shut up ka na lang, ok? Maganda ang takbo ng economy!’ Kaya Noy, ikaw na!

No Krissy… ikaw na! Hi-hi

Ayyyy, Bumu-Boy Abunda! Luvvvvvvet! Aha-ha-ha Wait! Everyone… may I have your attention please? Pakikinggan na natin ang messages sa answering machine ni Kuya Noy. First message… Ate Pinky, press mo naaaa!

“Mr President, sa UNA headquarters ‘to. Curious lang kami sa TV ad ng LP. Sabi mo do’n, ‘Sa daang matuwid, maraming gustong sumali. Pero meron ding nagpapanggap lamang.’ Mr. President, kami ba ang pinapatamaan mo?”

Ayyyyy, defensive! Obvious naman Noy ‘di ba? May iba pa ba?

Kristina, ako ang tinanong ‘di ba? So ako ang dapat sumagot!

Sabi ko nga! Hay naku Krissy, quiet ka na lang kasi. Continue Noy…

Wala akong partikular na pinapatamaan sa TV commercial na ‘yon. Now, kung makaramdam kayo ng guilt, baka may ginawa kayong masama.

True!!! Guilty siguro!


Sorry! Ate Ballsy… next message please. Press mo na! Now na!

“Hello?? Noy-bi?! Ooopssh, I am shorry. Anyway, I need not introduce myshelf kashi shure ako, alam mo na kung shino. Firsht, happy birthday sha ‘yo ‘no? Parang kailan lang, eshtudyante pa lang kita sha Ateneo. Not sho bright then but not sho bobo either. Look at you now… my lucky successhor. Lucky kashi mataas ang GDP when I sshtep down. I jusht wanna shay congratssh dahil medyo stable na ang economy natin. Ang challenge sha ‘yo ngayon: mapantayan mo ang 7.9 percent growth sa first half of 2010. Wish ko lang din, maging fair ka sha mga kalaban mo sha pulitika ‘no? It should be an anti-corruption drive, not anti-Arroyo family drive, ‘no? Happy birthday again at shana ay matagpuan mo na ang babae para sha ‘yo para gabi-gabi… plenty. Ang shaya, shaya ‘no? Bye!”

Noy, can I react?

Kristina, ‘wag mo nang patulan.

No Noy! Sorry… but I have to say something. Kasi po, for a long time, you have been critical of my brother. Tamad raw, bobo, walang alam, mahina, stupid. I’m not saying he’s not any of these but… wala ho kayong narinig na salita sa amin ever bilang paggalang na rin sa maysakit. Ngayon, nag-iba na ang hangin. Pakiramdam ko po bilang kapatid ng pangulo… vindicated s’ya, vindicated kami. Kaya next time, bago kayo bumatikos, sana mag-isip muna kayo. Sino ho bang nakakulong? Sino ho bang may kaso? Sino ho bang ‘di pinagtitiwalaan ng publiko? ‘Di ba kayo?

BALLSY: Krissy, ano ka ba!? Answering machine ‘yang kinakausap mo!

Gosh, oo nga, I forgot. Hay naku! Ito naman kasing si Viel hindi nagsasalita. ‘Yan tuloy, mega-emote ako sa telepono. Para akong tanga, nakakaloka! Jiggy, next message please! Press mo na!

“Hi Noy! This is your Tita Tingting. On behalf of your Tito Peping, i’d like to greet you a very happy birthday. We really miss you na. Sana makapag-dinner naman tayo sa bahay with China, Mikee, and Maimai. Malapit na ang Mayo. I hope maging one big happy Cojuangco clan tayo. Alam mo na!”

Noy, are you voting for her in May?

Kris… next message please!

‘Yun na! Ayoko nang dagdagan. Mahirap na. Aha-ha-ha. Josh… next message! Press mo na!

“Bianca, umamin ka na! Bianca wouldn’t believe me but it’s true. With Pantene, wala kang worry about hairfall. Pero ang hirrwap naman kasing maniwala. Evewytime I bwrrush my hairrr, may haiwrfall…”

Stop! Who did this? Bimby, did you leave this message sa answering machine ng Tito Noy mo?

What’s answering machine mama?

Fine! Prank caller siguro. Sorry Noy. Wait… Bimbyyyyy, stop making papak that can of Nido! Jonty… next message please. Press mo na!

“Pare, ba’t naman gano’n? May atraso ba ako sa ‘yo? Ginago ba ng pamilya namin ang pamilya n’yo? Bakit sabi mo sa speech mo kanina sa Cavite, ‘Huwag po tayong umasa sa tsamba o sa agimat o anting-anting.’ Wala namang bastusan p’re. Puro ka satsat eh. Kung gusto mo suntukan na lang tayo o kaya, paramihan ng chicks. Ano? ‘Di kesyo birthday mo, palalampasin ko ‘to! Laban ka? ”

Kris, gusto mong mag-react?

Hay naku Noy! Ewan ko sa ‘yo at sa speechwriters mo! Alam mo namang kumpare ko si Bong at kumare ko si Lani ‘di ba? Idinamay mo pa ang agimat nila! Para kang bata! Eh obvious namang mga Revilla ang pinaparinggan mo ’noh!? Nakakaloka ka!

Hindi mo ‘ko ipagtatanggol?

Ayaw kong madamay sa gulong ‘yan ‘noh. Nananahimik ako! In other words… care bears! Hello na lang sa pamilya Maliksi. Anyway, Bimby, next message please. Press mo na!

“Ginoong Aquino, si Bishop Calinislinisan ito. Sa iyong kaarawan, nawa’y pagpalain ka ng Panginoon… ‘yan eh kung napatawad ka na Niya sa pagpirma mo sa RH Law. Kababuyan ang batas na ‘yan.”

Aray ko! Ako na ang sasagot Noy.

This time Kristina, sige. Go!

Keri ko ‘to. With all due respect Bishop Naglilinislinisan, I mean, Calinislinisan, ano pong kababuyan ang sinasabi n’yo? My brother is not a pig! My brother is not a pig! Ang kapatid ko ay pangulo, at maayos niyang ginagawa ang kanyang trabaho! Promise!

Sabihin mo, 6.6% ang GDP growth.

Wait, ba’t ‘di ikaw ang magsabi Noy? Afraid ka sa mga obispo no? Kasi eleksyon na. Baka iba ang UNAhin nilang ikampanya. Aha-ha-ha


Fine. Sige, next message na nga lang. Press ko na!

“Awoooooo, bakit mo ako pinabayaan? Ang pangako mo noong nakaraang halalan, ako ay iyong susuportahan. Awoooooo! Pero bakit nangyari ‘to? Pinatay ako ng iyong mga kaalyado. Awooooooo! Nagdadalamhati… FOI Bill”

Kristina… can you answer that?

Huh? Bakit ako?! Hellllllllo! Ako ba ang nag-promise during the 2010 campaign? Kasi naman… kapag kampanya, ‘wag mag-promise nang ‘di naman tutuparin. Ayokong sagutin ‘yan. Sorry Noy…. kahit love love love kita… isyu mo ‘yang FOI Bill… hindi ko isyu ‘yan.

Sige, ignore na lang natin ang message na ‘yan.

You’re so baaaaad. Hate na kita. Anong ignore? I’ll give you 5 minutes to think of an answer. Listen ka muna sa sunod na message. Josh… press it!

“Hi President Noy. Si Mitos Magsaysay ‘to. Gusto ko lang ipaalam sa ‘yo na kasama mo ako sa pagtahak sa tuwid na daan. Kung binabatikos man kita, constructive criticism lang ‘yon. Happy birthday and may you have many more birthdays to come.”

Eeeeew. Kadiri ka Noy! Bakit alam n’ya ang number mo dito sa bahay?

Aba, malay ko!

Would you like to reply? Kasama mo rin daw siya sa ‘tuwid na daan!’


Aha-ha-ha! You’re so mean! I luvvvvvettt! May two messages pa yatang naiwan. Noy… ikaw na ang magpress. Now na!

“Hi Kuya Noy, happy birthday po! Kahit wala na kami ng kapatid mo, malaki pa rin ang pasasalamat ko sa ‘yo. Salamat sa pag-aalaga mo kay Baby James. Alam kong may mga…”

Waitttttt! Pause mo muna! Tama ba ang naririnig ko????!!! Boses ba ‘yan ng lalaking ‘yon?!!

Kristina, patapusin mo muna!

“… marami kaming pinagdaanan ni Kris pero hindi nawawala ang respeto ko sa ‘yo. Kahit magka-crush pa sa ibang lalaki si Kris…”

Sandali! Bakit kailangang topic ako? Hellllloooo! He’s just leaving a birthday message right? Bakit nadamay na naman ako?

Krissssy, let him finish!

“… hindi naman ako magseselos eh. Ang importante maayos niyang naaalagaan si Baby James.”

‘Buti alam mo! And pleaseeeee…. It’s Bimby not Baby something. Eeeew! Pwede ba Noy, magpalit ka na ng number dito sa bahay. Kung sinu-sinong kaluluwa ang tumatawag! Kaloka lang huh! Last message na!

“Mr. Prisidint, si Pacman po ‘to. Sabi ng mga taga-Ruma sa Chaptir 13, Virs 8: “Ang nagmamahal sa kapwa ay tumutupad sa Kautusan.” Maligayang kaarawan Mistir Prisidint. Make lab not war. To air is human, and it is divine. Think you, think you at maraming salamat sa pagsupurta sa new show ko sa GMA, ‘Para Sa ‘Yo, Ang Laban Na ‘To.’”

Nakakaloka! Pati ba naman sa answering machine, mag-promote??!! Hindi ko siya kinakaya!

Hayaan mo na siya Kris.

Sabi pa niya, ‘to air is human.’ Gross! Promise. That’s so gross!


Fine! Everyone, wala munang aalis kasi piktyur-piktyur muna with the birthday boy. Bimby, Josh, come. Dapat sa tabi kayo ni Tito Noy.

Sandali. Pwede bang kumain na lang muna kayo? Gusto ko munang magpahinga. Later na lang.

Ganoooo’n? Suplado much na?

6.6% GDP growth!

Fine! Ikaw na talaga Noy, ikaw na!

No, Krissy. Ikaw na!


Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
~Jennifer Yane

Sound Bites
“Paalala lamang po: Asahan na po ninyong may mga nagpapanggap, at may mga nakikisakay diumano sa ating krusada; may mga nakikisuot ng kulay dilaw, pero hindi tiyak kung anong kulay ang nasa loobin. Huwag po tayong umasa sa tsamba, o sa agimat o anting-anting [laughter].”
~President Aquino’s Speech, Imus Cavite/February 7, 2013

Have a fun-filled weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Aquino’s Official Facebook Page/ Tingting C: Philstar.Com]


3 11 2009

deathbed_ BEFORE HE TOOK HIS last breath, Ludwig van Beethoven said, “Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.” Sir Winston Churchill, before falling into a coma murmured, “I’m bored with it all.” And facing his assassin Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier, Ernesto “Che” Guevara uttered, “I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.” Locally, how could showbiz people forget the suicide note of ‘80s bold star Stella Strada? Her final words? “This is a crazy planets!”

As a post-Halloween post, here’s an updated version of my 2007 and 2008 article titled…

Top 20 Last Words and Deathbed Statements of Local Political Figures and Celebrities

No. 20: Boy Abunda: “Now na!”

No. 19: Madam Auring: “Nakikita ko, nararamdaman ko, hahaba pa ang aking buhay.” (Then, she dies.)

No. 18: DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno: “I’m fed up with life!”

No. 17: Annabelle Rama: “Dung, malakas ang kutob ku dung, nilason ako ni Wilma Galvanti dung!

No. 16: Kris Aquino: “Hay naku Boy, sabi mo sabay tayo? Nag-promise ka kay Mom, remember? Gosh, kainis ka!”

No. 15: Conrado De Quiros: “30.”

No. 14: Sen. Manny Villar: “60.”

No. 13: Sen. Mar Roxas: “Ramdam ko na… ramdam ko na!” (Gasps for air) ‘Tang-i*aaaa! Puwede bang mag-give way na lang ako?”

No. 12: Korina Sanchez: “Ikaw ang minimithi ng aking puso. Ikaw ang napili kong maging kasama at katabi sa buhay. Ipinapangako ko sa ‘yo na ako ay sa ‘yo. Noon, ngayon at bukas, ako’y iyung-iyo… Lord.”

No. 11: Manny Pacquiao: “You know, I am die and I am ready kaya gusto kong ‘pasalamat sa ating mga kababayan at sa Panginoon sa walang sawang pagsupurta sa akin.”

No. 10: Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “Mr. President and distinguished colleagues, before I die, allow me to unmask the real Joseph Ejercito Estrada.”

No. 9: Sen. Lito Lapid: “Puwede bang mamatay na lang? Wala akong inihandang speech eh.”

No. 8: President Arroyo: “God, wala na ba talagang extension?”

No. 7: Sen. Loren Legarda: “I have already made a decision. I am definitely dying with or without a mate by my deathbed.”

No. 6: Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro: [See ‘President Arroyo’]

No. 5: Mayor Jejomar Binay: “Sa Makati, libre ang ospital. Sa Makati, libre ang burol. Sa Makati, libre ang libing. Wala akong gagastusin kapag namatay ako sa Makati. Sana, ganito rin sa inyo kapag kayo ang namatay.”

No. 4: Joseph Estrada: “Sinong maysabing hindi ako pwedeng mamatay? Let the people decide! Vox Ernie, Vox Dei. The voice of Manong Maceda is the voice of God.”

No. 3: Sen. Noynoy Aquino: “Hinihiling ko po sa inyo na kung maaari lamang sana ay bigyan n’yo ako ng ilang araw upang makapag-isip at kumunsulta sa Pink Sisters kung dapat na ba akong pumanaw o hindi pa.”

No. 2: Cong. Mikey Arroyo: “O, eto huh! Baka magtaka na naman ang mga investigative reporters at si Tita Winnie Monsod kapag tumaas ang aking net worth sa ipa-file kong Statement of Assets and Liabilities (SALN) next year. Ngayon pa lang sinasabi ko na sa inyo: hindi ill-gotten ‘yan. Galing ‘yan sa magiging abuloy at donasyon kapag namatay ako.”

And the No. 1 deathbed statement of a political figure or celebrity…

Sen. Francis Escudero: “Nais kong ipabatid sa inyong lahat na nagpasya na akong talikuran ang aking pagiging Romano Katoliko dahil naniniwala ako na sinumang nilikha na malapit nang makipagkita sa Panginoong Maykapal ay hindi dapat miyembro o kaanib ng anumang relihiyon, sekta, o kulto upang malaya siyang makapagpasya na siya lang – walang busal sa bibig at walang nagdidikta, alang-alang na rin sa ikakapanatag ng kanyang damdamin at ikaliligtas ng kanyang kaluluwa.”

“With death comes honesty.”
~Salman Rushdie, The Satanic Verses

I just wanna share my Facebook status (November 3):
“Binigyan kayo ng isang buong taon upang magparehistro ngunit hindi n’yo ginawa. Sa tatlong daan at animnapu’t limang araw na inilaan sa pagpapatala, kinse minutos lamang ang gugugulin n’yo doon. Pero binalewala n’yo ang pagkakataon. Ngayon, may KAPAL PA KAYO NG MUKHA at TIBAY NG SIKMURA na magreklamo dahil inabutan kayo ng deadline? Kung gusto n’yo ng pagbabago, simulan n’yo sa inyong mga sarili. Puñeta!

Philippine Star’s William Esposo on Erap and GMA [Note: Before you could even accuse me of being self-serving, sige, aamin na ko. Hahaha You’ll find out later why.] Thanks Mr. Chair Wrecker!

Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros on Chiz Escudero, Danding Cojuangco, and political parties

Unlike Esposo and De Quiros, Manila Standard Today’s editor in chief Jojo Robles is apparently not a fan of Noynoy Aquino

Note: A couple of readers have emailed me asking the rationale behind Sen. Manny Villar’s “last words.” I’d like to know if you didn’t get it as well. Why did Villar utter, “60?” Leave your guesses at the comments section.

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