WALA LANG.


May 31, 2011 is World No Tobacco Day, or as President Aquino would call it, “abstinence.”

After declaring last Friday that it would round up cigarette smokers in public places starting May 30, the MMDA yesterday said it would actually start apprehending violators beginning July 1. The change in schedule was announced by MMDA Chairman Harold Camping.

According to the Department of Health, around 240 Filipinos die every day due to tobacco-related illnesses. Those who survive either go bald or remain single for at least 51 years. Beware!

Exclusive!
The Professional Heckler Interviews President Aquino’s Lungs


The Professional Heckler: Good evening Sir!
President Aquino’s Lungs (PAL): It was!

Heckler: Ang sungit! Kasisimula pa lang, nagsusuplado na.
PAL: Ikaw kaya ang lumagay sa katayuan namin. Tingnan ko lang kung hindi uminit ang ulo mo.

Heckler: Ay oo nga pala, dalawa kayo. Eh bakit hindi nagsasalita ‘yong isa?
PAL: Masama ang pakiramdam. Nausukan nang todo kanina.

Heckler: I’m sorry to hear that. Buweno, let’s start. Ipapalabas nga pala ang panayam na ‘to sa telebisyon mamaya.
PAL: Anong channel?
Heckler: NBN 4.
PAL: Ay, cheap! Walang viewers.
Heckler: Meron naman.
PAL: Alin? ‘Yong lotto draw?
Heckler: Huwag na nating pag-usapan ‘yan. Focus na tayo sa isyu.
PAL: Go!

Heckler: Ilang taon ka na ba?
PAL: Fifty-one na noong February pero kung iyong mapapansin, mukha na akong 76. Alam mo naman ‘di ba? Smoking accelerates aging.
Heckler: Ilang beses ka ba nauusukan sa isang araw?
PAL: Depende eh. Kapag busy ang amo ko, 10 to 15 times. Pero kapag walang gaanong ginagawa, around 25.
Heckler: Kahapon, nakailan ba siya?
PAL: 30!
Heckler: Wala siyang ginagawa?!?
PAL: Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan!

Heckler: Sa umaga ba, anong oras ka nauusukan?
PAL: Ay, late na rin. Usually 9AM. Pero pansin ko lang, nang lumabas ang balitang tinatanghali siya nang gising, maaga na siyang bumabangon! Wala pang alas-sais, gising na ‘yan.
Heckler: Ayaw mo ng gano’n?
PAL: Well, it’s good for his image pero bad for us, his lungs. Hindi pa man nakaka-toothbrush, lighter na agad ang hanap ng lolo n’yo.


Heckler: What’s the worst part of your day?
PAL: Sa gabi! Lalo na kapag nag-iisa na ‘yan? Naku! Kung makapag-yosi, akala mo katapusan na ng mundo!
Heckler: Nauunawaan n’yo naman?
PAL: Minsan. Kasi, kawawa din naman. Stressed. Single. Walang katabi sa pagtulog. Walang tatawag para magsabing, “Good night honeypie.” Walang mag-tetext ng, “Sweet dreams butterfinger. Mwah.” Walang ganun eh. So, we try to be as understanding as possible.

Heckler: But you would want to see him quit smoking.
PAL: Of course! Not just for us pero para na rin sa iba pa niyang organs.
Heckler: Like …
PAL: His sex organ.
Heckler: Can we not go there?
PAL: I mean, major turn off sa maraming girls ang chain smoking, right? Sige nga, kung ikaw ang babae… papayag ka bang maging constant date ang lalaking hindi nawawalan ng halak? Eeew!

Heckler: Eh pa’no kung ayaw mag-quit?
PAL: May choice ba kami? Wala! Hindi naman nakikinig sa amin ‘yan eh.
Heckler: Wala kayong influence sa kanya?
PAL: Zero! Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ni Peping Cojuangco.

Heckler: May galit kayo?
PAL: Galit is not the term. Siguro tampo. Sana man lang ma-realize niyang nasasaktan din kami.
Heckler: Wait, umiinom ba siya ng vitamins or any supplements?
PAL: Hindi ko sure! Pero ang lagi kong naririnig sa kanya, Guaifenesin, Dextrometorphan, Phenylpropanolamine, at kung anu-ano pang generic name na hindi ko ma-spell!

Heckler: Do the other organs share the same sentiment? May tampo rin ba sila sa inyong amo?
PAL: Not everyone! Merong isa d’yan na laging napapansin.
Heckler: Sino?
PAL: Si heart! Hay naku! Buwan-buwan, iba ang itinitibok n’yan! Lagi namang nauuwi sa wala. Hahaha
Heckler: Bitter?
PAL: Hindi naman. I’m just saying na masyado siyang nakatutok sa puso niya. Sa speeches, sa jokes, sa ambush interviews, lagi na lang love life ang topic. Like, hello! May return of emotional investment na ba? Wala!

Heckler: Kung kayo ang puso ng pangulo, anong ipapayo n’yo sa kanya?
PAL: Simpleng-simple lang. Just be yourself!
Heckler: Meaning…
PAL: Next question please.

Heckler: Teka, anong message mo sa iyong amo, ang Pangulo ng Pilipinas…
PAL: Ano ‘to, The Buzz? Startalk? Ang corny naman…
Heckler: Bilisan mo na, sayang ang oras at pagkakataon.
PAL: Kay President Aquino, ahm, hindi pa huli ang lahat bossing. Save us – your lungs, save yourself. Tigilan mo na ang paninigarilyo. Dahil kung hindi… ikaw ang titigilan namin!

Heckler: May gusto ka pang pasalamatan o batiin?
PAL: To the MMDA, keep up the good work! Maraming salamat sa anti-smoking drive n’yo. Malaking tulong ‘yan sa mga tulad namin. ‘Tsaka, in fairness sa nagma-manage ng Twitter account n’yo, ang bilis sumagot! ‘Yon lang ba talaga ang work niya? As in, maghapon? Parang bank teller?

Heckler: Wala namang Twitter account ang presidente ah. Bakit naman pati Twitter ng MMDA eh napansin mo Mr. Bagà?
PAL: Wala lung.
Heckler: Uyyy, trying to be witty.

Heckler: Bago tayo magtapos, kumusta na ang Porsche ng amo mo?
PAL: Wala akong pakialam d’yan. Mas gusto namin ang bike n’ya. It’s good for us.
Heckler: Ayaw mo sa kotse?
PAL: Ayaw! Muntik na ‘kong ‘di makahinga nang sumemplang ‘yan ‘no!
Heckler: Ibig sabihin, totoo ang tsismis na nasangkot sa aksidente ang Porsche n’ya?
PAL: Ikaw ang nagsabi n’yan, hindi ako! Teka, ba’t mo naman naitanong?
Heckler: Wala lung.
-End of Interview-

Resigned
President Aquino says he has accepted Bureau of Corrections director Ernesto Diokno’s “irrevocable resignation” otherwise known as graceful exit.

Divorce Bill
Sorsogon Rep. Salvador Escudero III says the Philippines is not yet ready for a Divorce Law. To which, his daughter-in-law Christine Flores-Escudero said, “I am!”


Heritage Tree
President Aquino declared an ancient balete in front of Malacañang as a “heritage tree.” The tree will be allotted a five-meter protection zone. The President has a soft spot for the balete because it was his childhood friend.
——————————————————————–
“Just because you’re not sick doesn’t mean you’re healthy.”
~Author Unknown

Quote of the Weak

“Itong gobyernong ito ay gustong pasukin ang kwarto ng asawa, sirain ang tahanan at pati kalikasan. Kahit isang libong beses man ikasal ang lalaki sa kapwa lalaki, hindi ito legal at hindi dapat mangyari.”
~Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz

In Memoriam

March 22, 2002 – May 31, 2011

You Have Spoken
Naniniwala ka bang maipapatupad ng MMDA ang anti-smoking drive sa Metro Manila?
-Oo naman. Political will lang ang kailangan! 26.95%
– Hindi rin. Hindi nila kayang manghuli eh. 58.16%
– Bahala na. Let’s just wait. 14.89%

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Have a safe day!

NEWS QUIZ

HAVE YOU BEEN READING or watching the news lately? Find out how much you know about recent and current events by taking this quiz. No Googling please! Don’t cheat. Lawmakers and generals hate competition.

1: Naging paksa ng mga usapan ang halagang 13 pesos and 35 centavos (P13.35) kamakailan. Ano nga ba ito?
A: Presyo ng isang latang sardinas
B: Ang offer na daily wage hike ng mga employers
C: Ang dagdag sa tinatanggap na Emergency Cost of Living Allowance (E-Cola) ng minimum wage earners
D: Limos para sa mga laborers na walang choice

2: To cushion the impact of rising fuel costs, namigay ng Smart cards ang pamahalaan sa mga jeepney at tricycle drivers. Bahagi ito ng Pantawid Pasada program ng gobyerno. Magkano ang laman ng bawat card na tinanggap ng mga jeepney drivers (good for one month)?
A: P1,100
B: ‘Wag nang magreklamo. Ang importante, meron.
C: P1,500
D: Anong sabi n’yo? Maliit? Eh ‘di magreklamo ka sa presidente mong panot!

3: Sino ang babaeng nasa larawan?

A: Ang sinibak na executive ng LTO na si Virginia Torres, shooting buddy ng pangulo
B: Si Marie Peña Ruiz, ang beteranang reporter na ayon sa tsismis ay siya raw bagong apple of the eye ni Pangulong Aquino
C: Si Mary Ruth M. Ferrer, spokesperson ng Sandiganbayan na nagsabing legal ang plea bargain agreement sa pagitan ng Ombudsman at ni retired Major General Carlos F. Garcia
D: Malay ko! Hindi siya sikat!

4: Kung si Antonio Trillanes IV ang poorest senator, sino naman ang second poorest?
A: Tao ba ito? Hiwalay ba sa asawa?
B: Member ba siya ng Noy-Bi team?
C: Galit ba sa kanya si Korina Sanchez?
D: Senator Francis “Chiz” Escudero

5: Sinong public interest lawyer ang abogado rin ng nagsarang Banco Filipino at mortal na kaaway ngayon ng Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas?
A: Atty. Leonard De Vera
B: Atty. Salvador Panelo
C: Atty. Ely Pamatong
D: Atty. Harry Roque

6: Tumaas nang mahigit apat na milyong piso ang yaman ni Pangulong Aquino ayon sa kanyang Statement of Assets and Liabilities and Net Worth. Ano ang paliwanag ng palasyo?
A: “Walang ilegal sa amount na ‘yon. Bahagi ‘yan ng ‘di nagastos na campaign contribution ng kanyang kapatid na si Ms. Kris Aquino.”
B: “The President has always been transparent with his wealth. Wala siyang itinatago.”
C: “Nagbenta ng lote sa Antipolo City ang ating Presidente.”
D: “Apat na milyong piso ang halaga ng Porsche. Public knowledge ‘yan”

7: Isang hapon…
Official No.1: Kaya nga ipatawag natin ang tatlong lider para ma-settle natin kung ano ang deadline.
Official No. 2: Who will set the deadline?
Official No. 1: No, no, no! Of course, we consult them before we set the deadline.
Official No. 2: Nooo! Nooo! Nooo!
Official No. 1: Kaya nagkakagulo eh, ini-insist lang natin ang gusto natin.
Official No. 2 walks out.
Sino ang magkausap?
A: Cong. Mikey Arroyo at BIR Commissioner Kim Henares sa isyu ng deadline sa pagbabayad ng buwis
B: Mga immature na pulitiko at taong-gobyerno
C: Basta! Isa sa kanila Samar; ‘yong isa, Balay! Sure na. Final answer!
D: Makati Mayor Junjun Binay and DILG Sec. Jesse Robredo sa Laperal Compound

8: Kamakailan ay naaresto sa Taguig City si Arabani Jakiran, a suspected member of the Abu Sayyaf terrorist group. Security guard siya sa Pacific Towers Plaza. In defense of Jakiran, isang kilalang tao sa lipunan ang nagsabing more than six years na raw naglilingkod ang suspek bilang guwardiya sa sosyal na condominium. Sino itong personalidad na ito na gusto yatang maging lawyer ni Jakiran?
A: Manny V. Pangilinan
B: Tessa Prieto-Valdez
C: Jaime Augusto Zobel De Ayala
D: Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco

9: Napag-uusapan na rin lang ang pag-aresto… dinakip ng NAIA security si Enrico Del Rosario Aldaba kahapon, May 11 for alleged possession of prohibited drugs. Patungong Palawan umano ang suspek at nang malapit na ito sa airport security screening area, nilulon daw nito ang isang sachet ng shabu. Matapos dalhin sa himpilan ng pulisya, isang Cabinet secretary ang nagtungo roon. Pinsan pala ng kalihim ang suspek. Sino si Cabinet Secretary?
A: Foreign Affairs Secretary Albert F. Del Rosario
B: Tourism Secretary Alberto Lim
C: Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa
D: Hindi ako interested kay Secretary. Pero ito lang ang masasabi ko sa suspek: kung nagugutom ka, mag-rice ka! Tanga!

10: May bagong advocacy si Cong. Manny Pacquiao. Anong organisasyon ang napili niyang maging partner?
A: CBCP! Siyempre, anti-RH Bill si Manny!
B: Bantay Bata
C: Gawad Kalinga
D: GMA Kapuso Foundation! Obvious naman ‘di ba? (‘Nood kayo lagi ng Shumi Damani!)

Bonus Questions
No. 1: Ano ang bagong pamagat ng programa ni Willie Revillame sa TV5?
A: “Wil Time, Big Time”
B: “Cashiyahan Para sa Bayan”
C: “Willing Wilyonaryo”
D: “Malay Ko, Pakialam Ko!”

No. 2: Ano ang nangyari sa reporter na ito ng ABS-CBN na si Niko Baua?

A: ‘Yan ang bagong uniform ng ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs kapag demolisyon ang iku-cover. Astig!
B: Tinamaan ng bato na inihagis ng mga squatters na pinapalayas sa Laperal Compound
C: Nakipagsapakan sa reporter ng GMA7 na si Ivan Mayrina dahil sa agawan ng puwesto sa kinu-cover na demolition ng squatters. Itinago ng dalawang networks ang balita. Now you know!
D: Wala lang. Trip lang n’yang ibalot sa malamig na tela ang kanyang ulo. Kasi naman, sobrang init talaga ng panahon ngayon.

No. 3: Sino ang babaeng ito?

A: Ang dating yaya ni Prince William na si Lillie Piccio
B: Ang alleged illegal recruiter na si Tita Cacayan
C: Si Rosel Jakosalem Peñas, ang hina-hunting na bilas ni Pilar Pilapil
D: Dating showbiz scribe na si Portia Ilagan na tauhan na ngayon ni Sen. Bong Revilla

No. 4: Para “Oras-oras, alam mo…”
A: Magbasa ng Libre, ang free newspaper ng Philippine Daily Inquirer
B: Tumutok sa GMA News TV
C: Makinig sa Tambalang Failon at Webb sa dzMM
D: Mag-enrol sa Gapuz Review Center

No. 5: “Nagdaan na naman ang isang araw ng pagbabalita. Isang araw na bahagi ng kasaysayan. Sa ngalan ng bayan sa ilalim ng nag-iisa nating… “
A: Saksi
B: Watawat
C: Aksyon
D: Bandila

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

>Indirect Bribery: Ang pagnanakaw ng mahigit tatlong daang milyong piso mula sa kaban ng bayan. See “plunder.”

>Plunder: Wala nang gano’n. Hindi na uso ‘yan. Kapag nagnakaw ka ng limampung milyong piso o higit pa mula sa kaban ng bayan, ibalik mo lang ang kalahati at ayos na ang butu-buto. See “indirect bribery.”
——————————————————————
“Never awake me when you have good news to announce, because with good news nothing presses; but when you have bad news, arouse me immediately, for then there is not an instant to be lost.”
~Napoleon Bonaparte

You Have Spoken
Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa napipintong pagpasok ni former Senator Mar Roxas sa pamahalaan?
– Great! Kailangan ng gobyerno ang kanyang husay at talino. 15.65%
– Lalong titindi ang tensyon sa pagitan ng Samar at Balay groups. 53.06%
– Let’s see. 31.29%

Enjoy your weekend! Ingat!
Los Angeles Lakers for life!

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EXECUTIONS


Mum on Execution
President Aquino refuses to comment on China’s decision to proceed with the execution of three Filipino drug convicts. The President is dismayed but he opts to keep quiet so as not to offend Beijing, its people, and Jejomar Binay.

China has decided to proceed with the execution of three convicted Filipino drug mules. President Aquino now considers sending Mar Roxas to Beijing.

OMG Impeachment
House justice committee chairman Niel Tupas says the Iglesia ni Cristo is supporting Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez (OMG). Alarmed, President Aquino is sending Ballsy, Pinky, Viel and Kris to the INC headquarters.

Liberal Party secretary-general and Cavite Rep. Joseph Emilio Abaya has allegedly sent a text message warning fellow solons of “zero pork” if they wouldn’t vote for the impeachment of Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. Confused congressmen have less than 48 hours to decide between Iglesia and delihensya.


Overseas…
Libya is in chaos. People are angry, depressed, and losing hope. Wait a minute. That’s not in Libya. That’s outside Banco Filipino branches!

Jobless
Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. says the government should brace itself for the rise in the number of unemployed Filipinos. In issuing the warning, Villar cited the developments in Japan, the Middle East, and Banco Filipino.


Radiation
Reports say Japan has detected abnormal levels of radiation in spinach near a stricken nuclear plant. The news has prompted Popeye to declare a truce with Bluto.

Hubert vs. Jessica
Hubert Webb has filed a civil suit against Jessica Alfaro for “giving false testimony.” He’s also filing a suit against Dante Jimenez for “giving Lauro Vizconde false hopes.”


Manila’s Finest?
Five members of the Manila Police District have been detained for allegedly pocketing 12 million pesos in ransom money intended for the release of a kidnapped Malaysian trader. The victim is still in shock. It was his first time to get kidnapped by two separate groups in 24 hours.

Before the accused cops surrendered, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim issued a shoot-to-kill order against them. Lest you forget, Lim has jurisdiction over the Wild, Wild Western Police District.


March 20th…
On this day in:

1868: The Jesse James Gang robs a bank in Russelville, Kentucky. They left with absolutely nothing because the bank they robbed was a branch of Banco Filipino.

1916: Albert Einstein publishes his general theory of relativity. Oprah refuses to endorse it on her ‘Oprah Book Club’ because she couldn’t understand anything.

1942: In Australia, General Douglas MacArthur makes his famous speech in which he says: “I came out of Bataan and I shall return” – to the delight of Filipinos, and his two mistresses in the Philippines.

1956: Tunisia gains independence from France. Fifty-five years later, it would gain independence from its own president.

1990: Imelda Marcos, widow of ex-Philippines dictator Ferdinand Marcos, goes on trial for bribery, embezzlement, and racketeering – a publicity stunt for her forthcoming return to the Philippines.

1996: The United Kingdom announces that humans can catch “mad cow disease” – otherwise known as pre-menstrual syndrome.

March 21st…
On this day in:

1843: Baptist preacher William Miller of Massachusetts predicts the world will end today. Tanga! Next year pa!

1970: The first Earth Day proclamation is issued. It didn’t help.

1980: On the season finale of the soap opera Dallas, the infamous character J.R. Ewing is shot by an unseen assailant, leading to the catchphrase “Who shot J.R.?” Ferdinand Marcos insists, “Rolando Galman.”

1985: Larry Flynt offers to sell his pornography empire for $26 million. Vicki Belo attempts but fails to buy it for Hayden Kho Jr.

1997: Inside a coffee shop at Tel Aviv, Israel, a suicide bomber kills 3 and injures 49. The barista survives and is now the manager of Starbucks Jerusalem.
——————————–
“I hate banks. They do nothing positive for anybody except take care of themselves. They’re first in with their fees and first out when there’s trouble.”
~Earl Warren

So True!
“Here, there’s no laws—only red light and green light. The jeepneys don’t respect anything.”
~American cager Marcus Douthit who was recently declared a “naturalized Filipino”

Survey Says
Sa pahayag ng Phivolcs na ripe sa paggalaw ang Marikina Valley Fault Line, ang una mong reaksyon:
-Deadma! Handa ako. 11.83%
-Nakakatakot naman. ‘Wag nga kayong ganyan. 26.33%
-Pray na lang tayo. 61.83%

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COMMUNICATORS


Communications Group
President Aquino’s much-ballyhooed Communications Group will have two leaders – broadcast journalist Ricky Carandang and columnist Herminio Coloma. In appointing two heads, the President hopes to clearly relay his message to the public; draw feedback from them, and silence the warring factions in his government.

SONA Leak
Some palace reporters believe somebody in Malacañang gave ABS-CBN an advance copy of President Aquino’s speech last Monday. According to the Inquirer, ABS-CBN’s Facebook account posted a copy of the President’s speech even before he could finish his SONA. In another news dismissed by ABS-CBN as totally irrelevant, Ricky Carandang and Ces Drilon have been voted as News & Public Affairs’ most beautiful couple.

SONA Leak II
Reports say a copy of President Aquino’s SONA was leaked to ABS-CBN last Monday… something that’s not surprising since ABS-CBN is a government station.

Three Spokesmen
The President will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang. One to create the message; another to fine-tune it, and a third to leak it.

THIS JUST IN! Unverified reports say the Communications Group will soon produce a TV show for President Noynoy Aquino. The program will be similar to Mrs. Arroyo’s “The Working President.” It will be called, “The Shooting President.”


NFA & Rice
Angelito Banayo, the new administrator of the National Food Authority said the agency’s recent inventory showed there are no rotten rice stocks in its warehouses. But another inventory showed there still are rotten officials left in NFA offices.

NFA & Rice II
Assuring that the country has sufficient rice stocks up to the end of the year, NFA administrator Lito Banayo said, “Naliligo po kami sa bigas” – to which MWSS executives said, “Wala kayo sa amin. Naliligo kami sa bonuses.”


Pacquiao’s Speech
In his first privilege speech as a member of Congress, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao quoted a line from the Hollywood film “Spiderman,” ring announcer Michael Buffer, and American poet Robert Frost. And everyone agreed – his speech was more shocking than the president’s.

Pacquiao’s Speech II
In flawless English, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao delivered Tuesday his first ever privilege speech. Pacquiao was interrupted at least five times by applause, and thrice to look up a word in the dictionary.

Accurate Polls
According to random manual audit conducted by the National Statistics Office, results of the May 10 automated elections were 99.6 percent accurate, or as former senator Mar Roxas would insist, “It’s 0.4 percent wrong!”

Announcement
Are you a drug user who plans to travel abroad? Do you carry 26.1 grams of cocaine and two tablets of diazepam? Worry no more! NAIA security will never detect you!

Rumors say some friends of Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who is still languishing in a Hong Kong correctional facility want him to get treatment when he is released. Nope, not the type offered by NAIA; not special treatment.

Top 5 Sayings for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson

No. 5: Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay foil.

No. 4: Aanhin pa ang damo kung cocaine na ang uso

No. 3: Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay addict!

No. 2: Ang lumalakad nang matulin, may ‘tinatagong cocaine

And the No 1. saying for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson…

To err is human, to sniff is divine.

Makati Condo Problem
Do you still remember the gas leak at the West Tower condominium in Barangay Bangkal, Makati City? At press time, investigators have yet to identify the source of the leak… although Ricky Carandang is now a suspect.
————–
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
~Epictetus

Survey Says…
Were you shocked by President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address?
– Oo naman! Shocking talaga! 31%
– Sus! Anong shocking do’n? 57%
– I didn’t hear it. Walang TV sa office. Hmpf! 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend everyone!

DO NOT follow me on Twitter. You’ve been warned!

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN PHILIPPINE POLITICS

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A WEEK AFTER the February 2006 standoff at the Marines headquarters in Fort Bonifacio and the succeeding raid at the Daily Tribune office, I came up with a list of 20+ things I learned from those recent events in Philippine politics. The Philippine Daily Inquirer published the list albeit trimmed to 18, while People’s Journal (lifting the same list from the PDI) printed it as an editorial the next day.

Home alone on a quiet All Souls Day, I opted to create a rather serious post today. Enjoy reading, and let’s continue heckling this week!

Some of the things I’ve learned from recent events in politics and government:

You are poor. You are a suspected thief. You get locked up.
You are rich. You are a suspected thief. You get a check up.

A contingency fund, a cash advance, and an intelligence fund. They are one and the same.

If you’re a police general and you couldn’t attend an Interpol conference abroad, send your wife instead.

Catholic bishops and nuns – the staunchest critics of the proposed bill to curb population explosion do not actually contribute to population growth.

Impeachment is a numbers game. Winners usually take home a seven–figure jackpot.

History tells us that it takes decades to build states and nations. Today, it only takes a MOA to create one.

When an economic adviser calls her president a “bitch,” something is wrong with the adviser. If he doesn’t get fired, something is wrong with the president.

Double budget insertions are perfectly legal. Unless discovered.

The surest way to get appointed in a government post is to lose in a national election.

When an executive clemency is granted shortly before midnight on a Friday, better check on the list of convicts to be released. You might be in for a surprise.

Relatives of murder victims who oppose the granting of an executive clemency to a murder convict must learn how to swim first before they appeal their case to the Justice secretary..

There are only two genuine groups of oppositionists in the country: the Communist Party of the Philippines, and ABS-CBN.

And thanks to the Commission on Human Rights, I have learned that when a suspected NPA or Moro rebel is tortured, that’s human rights violation. When a government soldier is killed by the suspected NPA or Moro rebel, that’s life.

Have a great week ahead!

Elsewhere…
Did Luchi Cruz-Valdez resign from ABS-CBN?
__________
Irony is an insult conveyed in the form of a compliment..
Edwin Percy Whipple

SULPICIO LINES PRESENTS…

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Top 15 Favorite Movies of Sulpicio Lines

15: Dude, Where’s My Body?

14: Dances With Waves

13: Something’s Gotta Grieve

12: There’s Something About Sulpi

11: 20,000 Deaths Under the Sea

10: Hellboat

9: Harry Porter and the Cargo of Endosulfan

8: How To Lose A Guy Relative In Two Days

7: Look Who’s Sinking

6: Sapul, Sulpicio, Saklolo

5: Fantastic For-malin

4: You’ve Got Whale!

3: What Happens in Burias

2: Bukas Lulubog ang mga Tao

And the No. 1 favorite movie of Sulpicio Lines…

1: Four Sinking and A Thousand Funerals

(P)RESIDENT EVIL

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Neri and GMA

Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada revealed that Commission on Higher Education Chairman Romulo Neri once described President Arroyo as “evil.” Well, that explains why three impeachment complaints didn’t work on her. Maybe, an exorcism will.

Neri and GMA II

According to Jun Lozada, CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri described President Arroyo as “evil.” Now we know why the CBCP is so afraid of her.

Neri and GMA III

CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri described President Arroyo as “evil.” Now we know why she could speak 15 different languages, some of which ordinary Filipinos wouldn’t normally understand.

Neri and GMA IV

According to Jun Lozada, CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri called President Arroyo “evil.” So what does that make of Mikey, Dato and Luli? Anak ng De*onyo?!? Ouch!

Neri and GMA V

An incensed Mikey Arroyo lashed out at Jun Lozada for saying that Romulo Neri had described his mother as evil. Mikey allegedly threatened that if their paths crossed, he would attack Lozada… with his horns.

Neri Will Stay

Amid calls for him to step down and abandon President Arroyo, CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri said he “had no reason to and I have no intention to resign.” Romy Neri is now officially… possessed.

Money for Lozada

The good news? The “sanctuary fund” being raised by the Senate for Jun Lozada has reached 500,000 pesos. The bad news? That’s just one fourth of his kids’ tuition at La Salle Greenhills.

Money for Lozada II

The good news? The “sanctuary fund” being raised by the Senate for Jun Lozada has reached 500,000 pesos. The bad news? That’s just half of the interest he needs to settle with Citibank.

In Other News…

Sen. Bong Revilla was hospitalized because of chest pains making him unavailable in the ongoing Senate hearings. If it’s any consolation, hindi halata.

JDV and the 2004 Polls

Pangasinan Rep. Jose De Venecia Jr. will file a resolution seeking to probe the alleged cheating in the 2004 elections. Uyyy, may nagpapapansin.

JDV and the 2004 Polls II

The good news from Pangasinan Rep. Jose De Venecia Jr.: he’s reportedly filing a House resolution seeking to investigate the alleged cheating in the 2004 elections. The bad news for him – we already have a hero in Jun Lozada. He should pretend to be one some other time.

From My Inbox

Lozada: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Chinese

Atienza: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Hawaiian

Lacson: 1/2 Pinoy, 1/2 Pinay

Jamby: 1/2 Boy, 1/2 Girl

Enrile: 1/2 GMA, 1/2 Erap

GMA: 1/2

AY… WITNESS!

null Top 5 (Rumored) Desperate Plans of Some Palace People to Discredit Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada Jr.

5: Linking him politically to Joey De Venecia by circulating photographs showing the both of them getting the same style of haircut at the same salon from the same haircutter. (Aba, close nga!)

4: Distributing an edited footage of last week’s Senate inquiry leaving only the parts where Lozada is alternately seen laughing and crying. Consequently, Mike Defensor will organize a press conference to present a psychiatrist who’d tell the public that Lozada is mentally-unstable and therefore, not a credible witness.

3: Producing documents that will prove that he is a direct descendant of the Chinese family who – according to Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, “invented corruption.”

2: Presenting to the media photos of five imported goats (worth 20,000 pesos each) reportedly taken at the Lozada household. The Lozada children will later be accused of keeping them as pets illegally.

And the No. 1 (rumored) desperate plan of some palace people to discredit Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada Jr…

1: Spreading the rumor that he and ChEd Chairman (the very single) Romulo Neri are not just friends but secret lovers. (How sweet!)

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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