DARK, DEPRESSING

Rodrigo Duterte and Imee Marcos walk into a bar. Find out what happens.


“Huwag n’yo na akong takutin. Gusto ko na ring mamatay kasi pagod na ako pero gusto kong mapunta sa impyerno.”
–Rodrigo Duterte

I am on Twitter & Instagram: @HecklerForever8

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AT LEAST…

Hotspots
Hundreds of soldiers have been deployed in the province of Masbate as the May 10 election approaches. Right now, Masbate has the second most politically-charged environment in the country… next only to the Senate.


At the Senate…
Tensions flared at the Senate Monday as lawmakers debated the report of the committee of the whole on the C-5 road extension controversy. The situation got so intense the AFP had to deploy soldiers in the session hall.

Nacionalista Party standard-bearer, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. snubbed yet again the Senate debates on the committee report on the C-5 road controversy. Villar insisted that he’ll show up at the Senate only if the debates will be held at noontime, the TV coverage of which will be annotated by Willie Revillame, and a house and lot will be raffled off before the debate is over.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal called Senator Manuel Villar a “coward” for snubbing the Senate deliberations. Sen. Aquilino Pimentel called the remark “unparliamentary.” Madrigal then labeled the minority as Villar’s “express choo-choo train of lawyers” to which an irked Pimentel retorted, “At least I’m not an abused child.” And we all thought that Marlene Aguilar was bizarre.

When Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano stated that some members of the majority had budget insertions of their own, Sen. Mar Roxas said, “No. I had no insertion on any matter. In fact, I have no insertion, period.” That explains why Korina Sanchez has been very moody lately.

Reacting to Sen. Mar Roxas’ claim that he had no insertions on any matter, Sen. Aquilino Pimentel said, “Well, well, I am sure that after your marriage, you had some insertions.” When Korina Sanchez heard this, she whispered, “I wish!”

The Senate debates on the C-5 road extension project report turned nasty when Sen. Aquilino Pimentel called Sen. Jamby Madrigal “an abused child.” And it turned nastier when a miffed Madrigal pointed her finger at Pimentel and shouted, “Corruption! Corruption!” Pimentel shouted back, “Tomboy! Tomboy!”

Another Villar ally, Alan Peter Cayetano joined the fray and called Madrigal a “saling pusa.” Madrigal replied, “At least I’m a cat, not a bitch,” to which Villar’s runningmate Sen. Loren Legarda said, “Bakit naman ako nadamay d’yan!?”

Nasty. Personal. Trashy. That’s how observers described Monday’s Senate debate over the committee of the whole report on the C-5 road extension controversy. When Sen. Jamby Madrigal called Villar’s allies as an “express choo-choo train of lawyers,” Senator Pimentel answered, “At least, I’m not an abused child.” It did not end there though. A more personal, heated exchange followed – something that escaped the TV networks.

Sen. Joker Arroyo said, “At least, I didn’t sign the same committee report twice with contrasting positions.”
… to which Sen. Francis Pangilinan said, “At least, I stood by my party’s position on the matter.”
… to which Sen. Francis Escudero said, “Thank God, I don’t have a party!”

Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri said, “At least, nailabas ang committee report.”
… to which Sen. Noynoy Aquino said, “At least, sure ako na hindi nabili sa Quiapo ‘yan.”

Sen. Jinggoy Estrada said, “At least, I’m not a criminal.”
… to which Sen. Panfilo Lacson said, “At least, I’m not a jueteng protector.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said, “At least, I’m not a cretin.”
… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said, “At least, I’m not affected. Ano ba ‘yung cretin?”

Sen. Mar Roxas said, “At least, kaya ko pang mag-insert! ‘Di tulad ng iba d’yan!”
… to which Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Akala ko ba magkakampi tayo?”

Sen. Bong Revilla said, “At least, may mga ganitong debate para magkaintindihan tayo.”
… to which Sen. Richard Gordon said, “At least, naiintindihan mo naman pala.”

Sen. Edgardo Angara said, “At least, I’m sure that this “away” will not last that long. Maaayos din ‘yan.”
… to which Sen. Noynoy Aquino again said, “At least two days, parang sina Kris and James.”
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“You’re so lost in the inferno of crime and dishonor, you become sickening animals, repugnant to everything that’s good about this country, everything this nation celebrates in the spirit of humanity! You are sick, awful vehicles of hate! If there is a god, he will get you, you sleazy, cancerous, infected, malignant, grotesque snakes!”
~ Asst. DA Richard Bay, “The Practice” (1999)

News/Views for Sale
A person very close to the camp of a presidential candidate reveals a prominent broadcaster is now on the candidate’s side. “Nabili” was the term used by the source. So don’t be surprised if this feisty broadcaster would go ‘soft’ on issues involving the presidential candidate. Ang tanong: magkano kaya ang talent fee niya?

Photo of the Weak
A reader of this blog pointed out the uncanny resemblance. What do you think?

Andal Ampatuan Jr. and Jamby Madrigal:
Separated at Birth?

GOOD DAY, BAD DAY

neri Neri’s Home Attacked
In case you haven’t heard yet, last Friday, armed men wearing military camouflage uniforms strafed the Quezon City home of Social Security System president Romulo Neri while he was inside the bathroom. When he heard the shots, a terrified Neri immediately phoned President Arroyo and informed her of the attempt on his life, to which the president said, “Ignore the threats, but continue with your shower.”

Neri’s Home Attacked II
Unidentified gunmen fired at the house of SSS president Romulo Neri in Quezon City Friday morning. But investigators are having a hard time solving the crime because Neri refused to reveal more details about the incident citing executive privilege.

Chiz Turns 40
Last Saturday, October 10, Sen. Francis Joseph “Chiz” Escudero turned 40. The presidential aspirant has reached the “awkward age” – too old for Vicki Belo but too young for Loren Legarda.

Chiz’ Suggestion
Sen. Francis Escudero proposed that “instead of extending the semester, the education department automatically give a passing grade this semester for all elementary and high school students in affected areas of recent typhoons.” But radical leftists opposed Escudero’s proposal and said that the final grades must be based on the extent of typhoon damage to each student.

senatelogo Senate’s Anniversary
The Philippine Senate marked its 93rd anniversary on Monday, October 12, 2009. During the flag ceremony, senators took turns narrating the Senate’s history – from its early years as a legislative body to its present status as an entertainment zone.

Senate’s Anniversary II
The Philippine Senate is now 93 years old. If it were human, Sen. Loren Legarda would have fallen for it.

relief Rebel Evacuees
Reports say some Communist rebels whose lairs were adversely affected by recent typhoons have sought shelter in evacuation centers in Isabela and Cagayan to avail themselves of relief goods. Social workers say it’s easy to identify Communists from ordinary folks because whenever NPA rebels talk about the recent typhoons, they refer to them as ‘Ka Pepeng’ and ‘Ka Ondoy.’

Rebel Evacuees II
Due to the lack of food in the mountains, some NPA rebels are now staying in evacuation centers in Cagayan and Isabela to avail themselves of the relief goods. Responding to the needs of the rebels, ABS-CBN is reportedly launching ‘Sagip Komunista.’

Irish Priest Kidnapped
Father Michael Sinnott, an Irish priest has been kidnapped “from outside his home in Pagadian City, Province of Zamboanga del Sur” last Sunday. One of the abductors has sent a message to the military saying he’s not afraid to get caught, tried, convicted, and jailed by the Arroyo administration… mainly because he has Spanish blood.

Campaign Headquarters
Last Sunday, October 11, Sen. Noynoy Aquino of the Liberal Party inaugurated his campaign headquarters along EDSA in Quezon City. To keep up with the competition, Sen. Manuel Villar will inaugurate on Friday his campaign headquarters along C5 Road.

obama Nobel Peace Prize
US President Barack Obama was recently awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize shocking a number of people around the world who thought it was too early to give him the recognition. In a related story, Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, who lauded Obama’s win, has just announced her choice for next year’s National Artist Award for Music – Charice Pempengco.
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“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
~George Burns who died at age 100

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Laguna governor’s ‘brilliant’ post-Ondoy idea

It’s Erap and Binay for 2010, at least according to this columnist.

Survey Says
Who should be the standard bearer of the Nationalist People’s Coalition (NPC)?
Sen. Francis Joseph Escudero: 15%
Sen. Loren Legarda 4%
They should both quit the race: 81%

We have a new survey, Please vote now.

HELLO, MIKE TEST

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mikearr Top 5 Ways to Convince First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo to Attend the Senate Hearing On the World Bank-funded Road Projects Controversy

5: The Ateneo Blue Babble Battalion, his alma mater’s pep squad will be there to cheer him on.

4: The Senate will sponsor a yearlong free medical check up at any hospital of his choice plus a lifetime supply of Imodium or Diatabs.

3: He will be asked only four questions and these are: (1) Is it the truth? (2) Is it fair to all concerned? (3) Will it build goodwill and better friendships? (4) Will it be beneficial to all concerned? Then he could leave the Senate.

2: The only senators who will be allowed to ask questions are Lito Lapid and Bong Revilla.

And the No. 1 way to convince First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo to attend the Senate hearing on the World Bank-funded road projects controversy…

1: For every hour that he spends at the Senate, he gets 5 percent of each senator’s pork barrel allocation.

(Note: This post was featured on TV5’s The Evening News last February 9.)
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Survey Says
What showbiz-oriented talk show do you prefer watching?
Results
The Buzz: 53%
Startalk: 17%
Showbiz Central: 16%
Entertainment Live: 12%
Others: 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
Have a productive week!

LET THERE BE LIGHT

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Light Bulb Jokes: Pinoy Version

How many senators does it take to change a light bulb?
Fourteen. One to change it, and 13 to keep the ladder steady.

How many senate presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Senate presidents don’t last as long as light bulbs.

How many Filipinos does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred thousand to 1 million. But that was during Cardinal Sin’s time. Today, few people notice the burnt out bulb.

How many Malacañang officials does it take to change a light bulb?
What change? Its bulb life is until 2010. Let it expire!

How many presidential contenders from the opposition does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If more than one wanted to change it, Erap will just do it himself.

How many members of the House committee on justice does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends. How much?

How many press secretaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But he needs a lot of prayers to ensure the thing will work beyond its bulb life.

How many Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter. Light bulb or none, they refuse to see the light.

How many De Venecias does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One: a son to bid for a change in light bulb, and the other, a father to lobby for his son’s bid.

How many Villars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Which one? There are two identical light bulbs.

How many Lacsons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to shoot the old bulb out, and one to screw the new one in.

How many Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don’t have light bulbs. They have chandeliers.

How many Madrigal scions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
There’s no way you could force them to change a light bulb together.

How many Miriam Defensor-Santiagos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. As long as the extent of space between the lower and upper interior surface of the room is proportionally manageable vis-à-vis the distance from the base of the phalanges to the cranium.

How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Don’t be too negative. Darkness per se is not bad.

How many Jocjoc Bolantes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he needs to undergo a series of check up first.

How many Lito Lapids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Huh? What’s a light bulb?

How many Bong Revillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Bong Revilla will screw anything.

How many ZTE-NBN deal witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But he needs the support of the La Salle Brothers to accomplish it.

How many Meralco executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just pass the task to its customers.

How many euro generals does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. Seven to change it, and one to take all the blame if the light bulb fails.

How many NPA rebels does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to buy the bulb from the store, one to screw it in, and another to collect revolutionary tax from the storeowner.

How many gay congressmen and senators does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They’d rather stay in the dark.

How many El Shaddai members does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t bother. Yahweh will change it.

How many Iglesia ni Cristo members does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten percent.

How many Villaraza Cruz Marcelo & Angangco, or ACCRA lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many Caltex, Petron, and Shell executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They prefer screwing all of us!

How many President Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
At least four. (Just to make sure she’ll reach the ceiling.)

Enjoy your three-day break!

NA COUP HA SA TIYAGA

The Coup
Sen. Manuel Villar has been ousted as Senate president and Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile was installed as his replacement. Sen. Gringo Honasan swore in Enrile to his new position. After 22 years, the duo has finally staged their first ever successful coup.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, the 84-year-old lawmaker talked about the Senate’s advocacies, ambitious projects, and a bright future as an independent institution – words that were truly inspiring to hear… especially from someone who may no longer be there when “future” happens.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer identified the members of the core group that strenuously worked for Villar’s ouster: Loren Legarda, Panfilo Lacson, Mar Roxas, and Jamby Madrigal. However, even if you combined their best efforts, much of the credit should still go to Korina Sanchez.

Juan Ponce Enrile is the new Senate president. In his acceptance speech, he thanked everyone who helped him (snatch the third highest post in the land) especially Loren Legarda, Mar Roxas, Panfilo Lacson, Jamby Madrigal, and CP Garcia Avenue.

Another Inquirer report quoted an administration senator as saying Sen. Edgardo Angara plotted against Villar to advance the vice presidential bid of Loren Legarda who could become Joseph Estrada’s running mate if he decided to run. And we all thought the “affair” was over.

Administration senators who voted to oust Villar included Honasan, Richard Gordon, Edgardo Angara, Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr., and Juan Miguel Zubiri. Lito Lapid who couldn’t understand what was happening also voted “Yes” to Villar’s ouster but only because he had a hard time spelling “Abstain.”

Sen. Manuel Villar said he was saddened and surprised by Jinggoy Estrada’s vote. He was even more surprised when the Senate allowed Lito Lapid to vote.

In a statement released following his ouster, Sen. Manuel Villar said he would now concentrate on being a fiscalizer, to which a curious Lito Lapid said, “So, may negosyo rin siyang abono?”

Tuesday’s headline of The Manila Standard Today reads: “Enrile two heartbeats away from the presidency.” When Noli De Castro saw this he said, “So kung ako, one heartbeat, kawawa naman si Pangulong Arroyo, zero heartbeat.”

In Other News…
Press Secretary Jesus Dureza said President Arroyo on Tuesday got a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama reportedly assured Arroyo that good relations and cooperation between the US and the Philippines would continue… in her dreams.

US President-elect Barack Obama phoned President Arroyo on Tuesday at around 3:17 in the morning. Yup, that was a pre-dawn call. Apparently, Obama was hoping nobody would answer.

Malacañang said President Arroyo received a pre-dawn call from US President-elect Barack Obama. Obama praised Arroyo for being honest, hardworking, incorruptible, principled, morally upright, and ethical. And then she woke up.

Pulse Asia Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro topped the latest survey on presidential aspirants conducted by Pulse Asia. De Castro got 18 percent, followed by Manuel Villar and Joseph Estrada, 17 percent; Francis Escudero, 15 percent; Loren Legarda, 13 percent and Panfilo Lacson, 7 percent. With Mar Roxas placing a distant seventh, other presidentiables are hoping to avoid a clash with DZMM’s Korina Sanchez.
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We have to distrust each other. It is our only defence against betrayal.
~Tennessee Williams

LIARS

Squabble at the Senate
In a privilege speech delivered Wednesday night, Sen. Jamby Madrigal attacked Senate President Manuel Villar over alleged double insertions in the national budget. Jamby spoke, “We cannot have a nation run by a thief.” Monitoring Jamby’s speech on television, First Gentleman Mike Arroyo said, “O, what did I do? Ba’t nadamay na naman?!”

Taking potshots at Senate President Villar, Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “Bumaba ka rito. Harapin mo at ipagtanggol mo ang sarili mo. Magpakalalaki ka!” to which Senator Villar said, “Sure! Magpapakalalaki ako… kung magpapakababae ka!”

Sen. Jamby Madrigal described Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano as an “attack dog.” Sen. Pia Cayetano protested the name-calling… mainly because that would make her a bitch.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal’s privilege speech was titled, “How to be A Villarnaire,” and talked about how Villar amassed his wealth. This has upset Congresswoman Cynthia Villar who noticed that she was not properly acknowledged.

Defending his partymate Villar, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano said Jamby and Lacson were “liars who had been twisting facts.” Jamby and Ping retorted that Alan “was lying through his teeth.” Sen. Joker Arroyo has also assailed the “falsity” of Lacson’s allegation but Ping hit back and maintained that Joker was not telling the truth. Sen. Rodolfo Biazon said it was the first time for them to hear senators call one another liars but he wasn’t surprised… it was like hearing Clay Aiken tell the whole world he’s gay.

GMA in New York
In New York now where she addressed the UN General Assembly, President Arroyo held talks with UN delegations to push the candidacy of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago for a seat in the UN International Court of Justice. In campaigning for Miriam, the president said, “Right now, at this very moment, she’s the least tainted member of the Philippine Senate.”

They’re Out!
American Idol runner up Clay Aiken has officially acknowledged he is gay. Two days later, singer Lindsay Lohan admitted her lesbian affair with DJ Samantha Ronson. There has been so much going on at the Philippine Senate, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two would do a Clay or a Lindsay.

Txtline vs. the NPA
The military in Negros has launched a text hotline to fight the extortion activities of the New People’s Army. To counter the military, NPA rebels are bombing more cell sites on the island.

GROUP HUG


Honasan’s Suggestion
To put an end to the partisan bickering in the Senate, Sen. Gringo Honasan suggested that they hold a bull session and end it with a group hug,

… to which Jamby Madrigal said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to Pia.”

… to which Mar Roxas said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to Migs.”

… to which Migz Zubiri said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to Sonny (Trillanes).”

… to which Antonio Trillanes said, “Are you nuts? I’m in jail!”

… to which Panfilo Lacson said, “Sure, I can stay for an hour in jail!”

… to which Loren Legarda said, “Count me in. I know someone in jail.”

… to which Edgardo Angara said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to (deleted). Ooops, ‘wag na nga lang. May pinatay na ang asawa no’n! Kay Chiz na lang.”

… to which Chiz Escudero said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to my schoolmate Kiko.”

… to which Francis Pangilinan said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to my professor Miriam.”

… to which Miriam Defensor-Santiago said, “Sure, as long as the three-dimensional expanse between ourselves is enough to prevent the possible spread of both pathogenic and saprotrophic microbiological life forms.”

… to which Alan Peter Cayetano said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to my health-buff sister.”

… to which Pia Cayetano said, “Sure, as long as I stand far enough from Jamby.”

… to which Aquilino Pimentel said, “Sure as long as I stand next to Jinggoy.”

… to which Jinggoy Estrada said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to my pareng Bong.”

… to which Bong Revilla said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to pareng Lito.”

… to which Lito Lapid said, “Sure, basta ‘yong group hug, sama-sama tayo. Ayoko ng solo.”

… to which Richard Gordon said, “Stupid! That’s why it’s called group hug! Let me stand next to Noynoy na nga lang.”

… to which Noynoy Aquino said, “Sure, as long as I don’t stand next to Enrile.”

… to which Juan Ponce Enrile said, “Sure, as long as I stand next to Joker.”

… to which Joker Arroyo said, “I’ll never allow that. I’ll block the proposal!”

… to which Pong Biazon said, “Group hug?! Sure! Let’s go! One… two… three…hugggggg!”

… to which Manny Villar said, “Wait, you forgot about me! Sali ako!”

… to which the other senators chorused, “Ay! Singit na naman?!”

Roxas on Double Insertions
Sen. Mar Roxas today declared an all out war against double insertions in the Senate. A month ago, he declared an all out campaign against the MOA on Ancestral Domain. Mar Roxas is getting all out of late, Korina Sanchez is starting to feel very nervous.