OF PANTIES AND PAY HIKES

President Duterte is getting a generous pay hike. Can you guess how much does he make a month?











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EXCLUSIVE: ANNABELLE DRAMA RETURNS

SOME OF THE BIGGEST names in the entertainment industry were trounced in the last elections. Richard Gomez. Christopher De Leon. Joey Marquez. Shalani Soledad. Dennis Padilla. Heber Bartolome. Rey Valera. Alan Paule. Lou Veloso. TJ Trinidad. And Rez Cortez. Aga Muhlach has yet to concede his defeat to the Fuentebellas in Bicol.

In Cebu’s northwest district, one feisty woman fought, and lost. It was not even close. But this woman

Hay naku dong! Ang haba ng intro mo dong! Per minute ang rate ko. May pambayad ka ba dong?

Ladies and gentlemen, nagbabalik sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon matapos matalo sa eleksyon – our special guest, the one and the only ANNABELLE DRAMA.

Alam mo dong, ‘di mo na kilangang ulit-uliting talo ako. Tanggap ko ‘yon dong. Nag-prutista ba ako dong? Hindi uy. Ako ang unang nag-conceit. So moved on ka na ok?

So conceited ho kayo?

Tanga ka ba dong? Ako nga ang unang-nag-conceit ‘di ba? Hindi pa tapos ang bilangan, conceited na ako dong.

Nabanggit n’yo na rin lang ang concede, anong masasabi n’yo kay Aga na hindi pinalad sa Bicol.

Karma ‘yan dong! No’ng inaway ako ng tiyahin niyang si Amalya, alam kong igaganti ako ng Sto. Niño! So karma ‘yon dong! Kaya ikaw Aga, mag-conceit ka na dong. Huwag mong sisihin ang kalaban dong. Sisihin mo ang MALAKING malas sa paligid mo!

Sino po ‘yong malaki? Si Amalya?

Gusto mong ma-libel dong? Wala akong sinabing pangalan dong. ‘Wag kang mandamay dong.

Sabi ho sa balita, nag-donate kayo ng 3 million sa inyong pinsang si Mike Drama na nanalong mayor. Pero ngayon, binabawi n’yo raw. Totoo po ba?

Alam mo dong, wala naman talaga sa ‘kin ‘yong pira dong. Pira lang ‘yan eh. Isang tilisirye lang ni Chard, mabawi ko man ‘yan. Nabuwisit lang ako kay Mike kasi noong kampanya, inasyur niya ako dong. Sabi niya, “Pinsan, malakas ang kutob ko. Landslide ito.” Landslide nga dong! Matapos ang bilangan… landslide ang kalaban! Kaya ikaw Mike, kung nanood ka ngayon, bruho ka, ibalik mo ang pira ko dung. Kung may iota ka ng dilikadisa dong, ibalik mo man ang pira ko.

Alam n’yo pala ‘yong term na iota?

Hindi dong. Narinig ko lang kay Remond ‘yan. Tumatalak siya sa telepono kahapon. Sabi niya, “If you have an iota of delicadeza, you will English and English and pastilan and yawa and English and English…” Pisti! Wala akong nagits dong. Ingles kasi. Diri-diritsu. Sakit sa ulo! Ang nagits ku lang dong “iota” at “dilikadisa” kaya ‘yon ang ginamit ko. ‘Buti na lang dong walang “b” ang iota; kung hindi nagduda ako sa kanya.

Nakakatuwa naman po at nagbati na kayo ni Nadja Montenegro. Ano bang na-realize n’yo at lumambot ang inyong puso?
Alam mo dong, hindi naman talaga ako dimunya eh. Image ko lang ‘yon dong. Ang totoo, mabait naman talaga ako. Bago kami nagbati ni Nadja, matagal na akong naga-pray sa Sto. Niño. Siguro, mga April pa ‘yon. Ang prayers ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, give me a sign naman. Dapat ko bang patawarin ang mga bruha sa paligid ko.” And then

Ano pong sabi ng Sto. Niño?

Ito na nga dong! Pwide ba, huwag mo ‘kong ipreempt?! Ituloy ko ang kwento ko. Nanahimik ang Mahal na Sto. Niño dong! Silence talaga siya. Kinabahan ako. Sabi ko, “Pastilan, ‘di yata nagustuhan ng Sto. Niño ang prayers ko.” Tumibok nang mabilis ang heartbeat ko dong.

‘Asan na ho ang sign?

‘Wag mo akong madaliin dong! Kung may pupuntahan ka, umalis ka na! Bumubuwelo pa ako! Makinig ka muna! ‘Tapos nag-eleksyon na nga: natalo ako. Landslide dong! ‘Tapos natsugi ang talk show ni Remond. ‘Tapos nawalan ng tilisiryi si Chard. Tapos si Roffa, paguest-guest na lang. Nag-pray ulit ako dong. Sabi ko, “Mahal na Sto. Niño, ito na ba ang sign?”

Sumagot ho ba ang Sto. Niño?

Hindi ko na hinintay dong! Baka ‘di ko kayanin. Kaya nang magkita kami ni Nadja dong, nag-smile na ako. Ang gaan sa dibdib dong. Para akong nabunutan ng matabang tinik.

Mabuti naman at pumayag makipag-ayos si Nadja sa inyo.

Dapat lang dong! Wala man siyang maipagmalaki sa akin. Talo ako sa Cebu, talo rin ang asawa niya sa Caloocan, third place. Ako, second place. Quits lang dong.

Naniniwala ho ba kayo sa karma?

Hindi ko gusto ang tabas ng tanong mo dong. Kung ayaw mong mag-walk out ako, ibahin mo!

Sige ho. Maiba ako. May kumakalat na tsismis na magiging lola na naman kayo. Totoo po bang magiging tatay na si Chard?

Sandali dong. ‘Di ba may lakad ka pa? Baka ma-late ka dong.

Ito na lang: ano pong lesson ang natutunan n’yo sa nakaraang eleksyon?

Masakit pala dong. Hinakot ko na ang mga artista ko sa Cebu dong. ‘Tapos nag-campaign ako sa Twitter pati Instagram. Talo pa rin dong. Pero pasalamat na rin ako dong dahil nakita ko ang buhay ng mahihirap. Wala silang arti sa bohay. Hanga ako sa kanila. Kaya ikaw Roffa, ‘wag masyadong maarti ‘day.

Nabanggit n’yo na rin lang si Roffa, June po ngayon. In 1994, may malaking nangyari sa buwang ito. Siguro naman natatandaan n’yo pa ang Manila Film Fest scam. Ano po ang

Alam mo dong, pisti ka. ‘Yon lang ang masasabi ko, pisti ka. Moved on ka na! Please lang.

Ay, sorry po. Sige, last question na lang. After n’yong matalo last May, you ranted on Twitter. Sabi n’yo, “I shall return.” Saan ho kayo babalik? Sa pulitika?

Hindi dong! Ang balikan ko, ‘yong 3 million kong donasyon kay Mayor Mike. Hoy Mike, if you have an iota of dilikadisa, ibalik mo ang pira ko dong!

So talagang paninindigan n’yo na ang paggamit ng “iota” sa interviews?

Oo naman! Without an iota of doubt. Dong!
————————————————————————————
“When we don’t put the brakes on our self-absorption, we have nothing stopping us from total self-destruction. We become the fruits of our actions.”
~ Zeena Schreck

In Other News
On June 18, 2013, the University of the Philippines turned 105. And Sen. Loren Legarda was like, “Pwedeee!”

Official records show, Jack Enrile was last elections’ top spender – otherwise known as ‘the biggest loser.’

In Prague, Czech Prime Minister Petr Necas resigned after one of his top aides was linked to bribery and abuse of power. It’s called “command responsibility.” Or as Filipino politicians would say, “Ano ‘yon?!”

KampanyaSerye: Huling Hirit
To everyone who supports me in this year’s Tatt (Social Media) Awards, thank you very much. Ten percent of the total score will come from your votes. The rest will come from the judges. You can still vote every hour until June 20. Here’s the link. Maraming salamat po sa suporta. Hindi pa magsasara ang presinto. Boto na!

Tropical Storm Emong is here! Stay safe!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

LESBIANS

THE JUNE 4 edition of PM Junior’s ‘Pugad Baboy’ talked about lesbians, homophobia, hypocrisy, and St. Scholastica. One of the characters in the comic strip asked, “’Di kaya tongril din ‘yung mga madre?” That was just offensive. St. Scholastica is an esteemed institution. How dare you say they’re “tongril?” You say Sapphist or Lizzie Maguire or les!

pol
Pol Medina Jr. apologized to St. Scholastica’s College for insinuating in his popular comic strip that beautiful students in the Catholic school were lesbians. In other news, Don Bosco students have asked PM Jr. to please not write about them.

St. Scholastica’s College president Sister Mary Thomas Prado threatened to sue the Philippine Daily Inquirer unless an inquiry on PM Junior’s cartoon was conducted. PDI acted swiftly. PM Junior was suspended and an apology was issued. It’s more nun in the Philippines!

The past few weeks have been challenging for satirists, and for comedians who dish out politically incorrect jokes. Thank goodness for thinking readers! And to those who are offended by my blog posts, I am sorry if I am not your definition of funny.

Sinotto
In the last days of session, Senate President Enrile and Majority Leader Tito Sotto decided to exit. Graceful!

In giving up his post, Tito Sotto was quoted to have said, “Pagod na ako. Nawalan na ako ng gana.” The feeling is mutual.

In a privilege speech Thursday, Tito Sotto shocked his colleagues when he quit as majority floor leader. And even more shocking, no part of that speech was plagiarized.

Two Serendra
A week after the explosion that ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium in Taguig City, DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas declared that the incident was caused by an LPG leak – not by a bomb, not by terrorists, not by the previous administration.

Final Tally
The Comelec had completed its final tally. Officially, it’s Team PNoy, 9; UNA, 3, and Brillantes’ tantrums, 5.

No Smoking
Through Presidential Proclamation 183 signed in 1993, the month of June has been declared, ‘No Smoking Month.’ And President Aquino was like, “’Di nga?!?”

June has been declared ‘No Smoking Month.’ President Aquino can’t wait for July.


Out!
A week after her daughter “came out,” Charice Pempengco’s mother, Raquel admitted that she used to be a lesbian also. I wonder if she went to St. Scho too.

Last week, Charice admitted that she’s a lesbian. On Friday, her mother revealed she used to be a lesbian. Can’t wait for the grandmother’s statement.
——————————————-
“A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true.”
~G.K. Chesterton

Sound Bites
“Binigyan ako noon ng guidelines eh, ng Inquirer. Ito yung mga guidelines na hindi mo io-overstep. Viniolate ko lahat yon. Kasi sinusubukan ko kung hanggang saan ako pwede lagi eh. Tapos pumapayag yung editorial staff ng Inquirer na ilabas. Kaya naging bold ako eh… aba okey ah, nailabas yung strip ko tungkol sa black comedy. Lumabas yung strip ko tungkol sa race. Tungkol sa religion. Eh open-minded naman pala. Sa kaka-push ko nang ganun, na-overstep ko yung threshold ng good taste. ‘Yun yung nangyari dito talaga. Totoo to eh, inaamin ko.”
~Pugad Baboy creator Pol Medina Jr.via ABS-CBN News

Have a safe and fun weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

PHILIPPINE TYPHOONS: A GUIDE

BREAKING: Juan Ponce Enrile has resigned as Senate President. There’s no truth to rumors though that he stepped down to do a third episode for ‘Maala-ala Mo Kaya.’

SUMMER is almost over. Children are back to school. Soon, PAGASA will be warning us against weather disturbances. As a precautionary measure, here’s a guide to this year’s typhoons. Ingat!

111
Bagyong Erap
Sustained ang kanyang lakas ngunit pabagu-bago ng puwesto. Mahirap ma-predict ang lokasyon nito.

Bagyong Nancy
Bagamat bagong pasok pa lang, may kalakasan na. Zero visibility dahil sa itim na ulap at malakas na buhos ng ulan.

Bagyong Noynoy
Walang patawad. Isinisisi sa naunang bagyo ang pananalantang nararanasan ng mga tao.

Bagyong Mar
Nagpaparamdam lamang sa mga sosyal na lugar na may sosyal na condo units. Kung gaano ito kalakas, huwag mag-speculate. Hintayin ang babala ng mga awtoridad.

Bagyong Sixto Brillantes Jr.
Ang bagyong madaling mapikon. Lalong sumusungit ang panahon kapag pinapansin ng tao ang kanyang lakas.

Bagyong Binay
Around 2010 nang ma-detect ng satellite; nagbabantang manalanta beyond 2016.

Bagyong E.R.
Walang masyadong ulan pero ubod nang lakas ang hangin.

Bagyong Bro. Eddie
Puwedeng daanin sa dasal.

Bagyong Cezar Mancao
Pansamantalang nawala sa radar ng PAGASA.

Bagyong Jessica
Isa siyang malakas na bagyo na may kabuntot na mas mahihinang bagyo. Hindi kaagad siya nagpaparamdam. Nauunang maramdaman ng publiko ang galit ng mga kabuntot niyang bagyo. Kapag medyo ramdam na ito ng publiko, saka niya ilalabas ang kanyang lakas at galit.

Bagyong Vice
Kung ikaw ang mismong tatamaan ng kanyang bagsik, masakit. Pero kung ibang tao, hindi mo siguro mapapansin na matindi pala siya. Ngunit ang bagyo ay bagyo. Hindi dapat gawing katatawanan.

Bagyong Gordon
Kinulang ang lakas upang ma-categorize bilang ganap na bagyo. Na-downgrade to a tropical storm.

Bagyong Cebu Pacific
Madalas na delayed ang entry o exit sa kalawakan ng bansa. Dahil sa ‘di matantyang galaw, malaki ang nagiging perhuwisyo.

Bagyong Miriam
Nagngangalit na panahon ang dala niya. Tatamaan ka ng kanyang kidlat kung tatanga-tanga ka.

Bagyong Kris
Agaw-atensyong sama ng panahon. Nagbabantang lilisanin ang Philippine Area of Reponsibility pero laging naaantala. Nawawala, bumabalik, heto na naman.

Bagyong Enrile
Sa unang patak ng kanyang ulan, amoy na amoy mo na ang singaw ng lupa.

Bagyong Gloria
Hindi na pala ito kasama sa listahan. Sorry. Ambon na lang siya.

Bagyong Sotto
Hindi na pala ito kasama sa listahan. Sorry. Ambon na lang siya.
————————————————————-
“When all is said and done, the weather and love are the two elements about which one can never be sure.”
~Alice Hoffman

Sound Bites
“We just heard some rants from a bitter man. We just gave him his moment.”
~Sen. Antonio Trillanes on Senate President Enrile’s resignation

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

EXPLOSION, CORRUPTION AND OTHER STORIES

PRESIDENT AQUINO has signed Republic Act 10586 or the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” According to the new law, signs of drunk or drugged driving include “overspeeding, weaving, lane straddling, sudden stops, and swerving” – collectively categorized as “Things we normally see everyday.”

2dd
Republic Act 10586 shall allow cops to conduct sobriety tests on suspected drunk drivers. If a driver passes the test, he is allowed to conduct a sobriety test on the cop.

President Aquino approved the “Anti-Drunk and Drugged Driving Act of 2013.” The law was principally authored at the Lower House by former President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and son Dato – Or as the President would say, “I wasn’t aware of that.”

Stuck
A miffed President Aquino was forced to call MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino on Friday when he got stuck in traffic and arrived late in Taguig City for a speaking engagement. The President complained, “I did not expect it’s traffic everywhere.” And Dan Brown was like, “Told yah!”

1serendraExplosion
Some sad news. A huge explosion ripped through the upscale Two Serendra condominium at Bonifacio Global City Friday night. People were shocked to hear about the explosion and were even more shocked to see the President of the Republic of the Philippines himself at the explosion site shortly after the incident.

At press time, the cause of the explosion has not been determined but the President is not ruling out the involvement of Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Anti-Corruption
President Aquino has signed a law designating December of every year as ‘Anti-Corruption Month.” Corrupt people in government thanked the President for the remaining 11 months.

If the President is serious on weeding out the corrupt in government, every month should be an “Anti-Corruption Month.”

Binay and Trapo
Vice President Binay was quoted to have said that he wanted the Philippines to break free from traditional politics. The ‘Philippines’ replied, “You first!”

Economic Boom
The government reported an impressive economic growth of 7.8 percent in the first quarter of the year. Malacañang says “growth was felt in almost all sectors.” But not by the people (sector).

The Villafuertes
Defeated gubernatorial candidate and outgoing Camarines Sur Representative Luis Villafuerte Sr, 77 is filing an electoral protest against his 24-year-old grandson, incoming Cam Sur governor Migz Villafuerte. Villafuerte accuses his apo of “disputing, controverting and impugning the results of the elections.” Migz told his lolo, “You taught me well.”

Filthy Rich
Official records show 52 of 56 incumbent party-list representatives are multi-millionaires. There is no god.

Lozada
NBN-ZTE witness Jun Lozada who, himself, faces graft charges before the Ombudsman says he has lost faith in the administration’s “daang matuwid.” Sought for reaction, the “daang matuwid,” replied, “the feeling is mutual.”

1rizMissed Universe Crown
Miss Universe Canada declared a losing candidate as winner only to withdraw it later. Aga Muhlach remains hopeful.

It was an epic failure for Miss Universe Canada. On pageant night, the eventual fourth place finisher was declared winner due to a typo. She was later stripped of the title. But the embarrassed candidate says she won’t file a protest because she has accepted it, she has moved on, and she’s not a Filipino politician.

Riza Santos, the former PBB housemate who was crowned Miss Universe Canada was a former Miss Earth Canada and a former Miss World Canada. She lost in the Miss Earth contest and she also lost in the Miss World competition. Riza Santos is the Richard Gomez of beauty pageants.

Vice Ganda
Vice Ganda (Jose Marie Viceral in real life) has made a public apology. One thing is certain though, netizens are still divided on the issue. Some are sympathetic to Vice Ganda while others are sympathetic to the weighing scale. (Disclaimer: This is a joke.)

James and Bimby
The Makati Regional Trial Court grants James Yap the right to visit his son James Yap Jr. But the judge says James cannot see his ex-wife Kris Aquino – to which the basketeer reacted, “Thank God!”

American Idol
Like fellow judge Randy Jackson, Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj are leaving American Idol. The viewers too.
————————————————————–
“Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It’s about knowing and accepting who you are.”
~Ellen DeGeneres

1charSound Bites
“I have come to accept the real me. I have come to love the real me. I now celebrate the real me.”
~Singing sensation Charice on “coming out”

Have a safe and fun-filled weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

CHICKEN!

HERE ARE some answers to the age-old question, ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’ from famous Filipinos.


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Jackie Enrile: Upang humanap ng murang pagkain at maraming pagkain.

Manny Pacquiao: You know.

Vice Ganda: Karapatan ng chicken na mag-cross ng road pero karapatan ko ring sabihin ang gusto kong sabihin dahil meron tayong freedom of speech: wala pang sapat na karanasan ang chicken sa pagtawid!

Risa Hontiveros: Siguro mas makabubuting pagdebatehan muna natin ang paksang ‘yan.

Nancy Binay: Wala po akong time na makipagtalo sa isyu ng pagtawid ng manok. Busy ako sa TV interviews dahil latecomer po ako. Ngayon na lang ako nagpa-interview.

UNA spokesman Toby Tiangco: We have received reports that someone manipulated the chicken into crossing that road.

Alfredo Lim: O, ‘wag kayong mag-alala, paiimbestigahan agad natin.

Supreme Court: A temporary restraining order is hereby issued to prevent the chicken from crossing the road again. So ordered.

ER Ejercito: Dahil hindi lang ‘yon ordinaryong manok. Sasabungin din ‘yon. At hindi lang basta sasabungin – lagi ‘yong nananalo!

Sixto Brillantes Jr: Wala namang masama sa pagtawid ah. Kung may maipakikita kayong anomalya sa ginawa ng manok, magre-resign ako!

Chiz Escudero: Ano’t ano pa man, dapat nating igalang ang naging pasya ng chicken. Manok man siya, walang sinuman ang may karapatang yurakan ang kanyang pagkahayup.

Kris Aquino: Dahil hinarass siya ng rooster sa harap mismo ng sisiw. Kitang-kita ng sisiw ang pangyayari. Na-trauma ang sisiw.

Cezar Mancao: Hindi kasi safe sa kinaroroonan niya kaya siya tumawid. May gustong pumatay sa kanya.

Ping Lacson: I have no interest in the chicken.

Anne Hathaway: Why not ask the chicken yourself?

Georgina Wilson: ugh! i hate meat but I only have one thing to say – whoever advised the chicken to cross that busy road was f**k**g stupid!

President Aquino: Aba malay ko! Sisihin n’yo ang dating administrasyon!
——————————————-
“Roads are no place for naive chickens dreaming of nirvana.”
~ Shalom Auslander, Hope: A Tragedy

Sound Bites
“Wala akong problema with Migz Zubiri and after everything has settled. I want to schedule a lunch or dinner with my friend, Migz Zubiri.”
~Senator-elect Koko Pimentel

To fellow Filipinos in Taiwan, stay safe and keep calm. This too shall pass.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

“ISANG BOTO KA LANG!”

IT’S BEEN more than three weeks since “Vice Ganda” grilled senatorial candidate “Nancy Binay.” With the recent developments involving Nancy and Vice, I felt I had to schedule another one-on-one for this blog. Surprisingly, both of them were available and both agreed to do it for the second time. This conversation happened just last night. Exclusive!

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Vice Ganda!


Hellllllowww! Hiiiiii! I’m suuuuuure sabik na sabik na naman kayo sa guest natin ngayong gabi. Mga intrigera! D’yan kayo magaling – gusto n’yo may nag-aaway, may nagsasabunutan, may nagtatalakan para may mapagtsismisan kayo! Anyway, hindi ko na kayo bibitinin pa. Palakpakan po natin ang aking bagong BFF – senatorial candidate Nancy Binay!

Hello po sa inyong lahat. Hi Vice! It’s a pleasure to be back here.

Etchosera! Pleasure pleasure ka d’yan! I’m sure napilitan ka lang.

Hindi naman po. Patapos na kasi ang kampanya at naisip kong pagbigyan naman ang mga nag-iimbita sa akin. At ikaw ang napili ko.

Wowwwww! So utang na loob ko pa pala ‘yon? Guilting-guilty naman ako!

Please don’t. May gusto lang kasi akong linawin sa mga sinabi mo sa iyong press con kahapon.

Ah gano’n? Malabo ang mga sinabi ko sa press con?!? Sinabi ko lang na ‘di kita iboboto, malabo na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng honest lang talaga ako?

Hindi ‘yon ang gusto kong linawin!

Sige, what part of “I DON’T LIKE YOU” ang ‘di mo naiintindihan?

HINDI KO NAMAN SINABING GUSTUHIN MO AKO EH!!!

HINDI TALAGA KITA GUGUSTUHIN DAHIL BABAE KA! GAGA!

Alam mo Vice, pumunta ako rito at pinagbigyan kita sa pag-aakalang igagalang ako ng programa.

Bakit??? Binastos ba kita?! Hinipuan ba kita? Nag-all caps lang ako dahil nag-all caps ka rin. Helllllo!

Pwede bang mag-stick na lang tayo sa isyu?

Ikaw ang isyu! Mag-stick tayo sa ‘yo! Simple lang ang sinabi ko: hindi ako bilib sa ‘yo dahil ni hindi ka naging barangay tanod man lang tapos agad-agad senador ang target mo?

FYI Vice, kung si Kris Aquino nga, umaming gusto niyang mag-OJT para sa 2016, ako Vice, FYI more than 20 years akong nag-OJT sa tatay at nanay ko sa city hall. FYI lang!

Ba’t ba FYI ka nang FYI? iPod ka? Naka-loop?! So proud ka na no’n? Halos kuwarenta anyos ka na, OJT ka pa?

My point is…

Sandali! Point mo ba talaga ‘yan?

Hindi! Point mo ‘to Vice! Jooooke!

Sorry, hindi ka bumenta. Kulang ka sa timing. As you were saying… ?

My point is…

Nagamit mo na ‘yan. Isip ka ng iba.

Ok. What I was trying to say…

Utu-uto! Ha-ha! Continue!

More than 20 years akong nag-OJT sa tatay at nanay ko.

Hindi ako bingi. Narinig ko na ‘yan kanina.

Nakita ko ang kalagayan ng mahihirap sa Makati at sa sister cities and municipalities nito nationwide. Nagpakain ako sa mga batang-kalye, nag-asikaso ng mga buntis na babae, nag-educate sa mga kabataan, nangaral sa mga biktima ng droga, at iba pa.

See???? Ang linaw-linaw! Dapat nag-apply ka muna sa DSWD! Ikaw ang perfect social worker! Hindi paggawa ng batas ang dapat sa ‘yo!

May karapatan akong tumakbo!

Sinabi ko bang wala?

Minamaliit mo ang kakayahan ko!

Sinabi ko bang hindi?

Isang boto ka lang.

Sinabi ko bang dalawa? Tanga! Pareho lang tayo! Tig-isa!

Hindi ko kailangan ang endorsement mo.

Wala akong plano!

Mukha kang kabayo.

Thank you. Ikaw, mukha kang hinete!

Namimersonal ka na.

Sorry naman. Pasensya. Ito na lang: kamakalawa nag-joke ka raw na ikaw ang “Blacker Kris Aquino.” Alam mo bang planong mag-file ng defamation case ni Krissy laban sa ‘yo?

Hindi n’ya gagawin ‘yon.

Alam ko. Kaya nga pinipilit ko siya eh. Charing! Joke lang. Political dynasties: ano ang stand mo?

This a free country.

Maliban sa cliché na “This a free country,” ano pang justification ang alam mo?

Bakit ba ang init-init mo sa pamilya namin?

Tinanong lang about political dynasties, pinag-iinitan na agad? Hindi ba pwedeng guilty lang talaga kayo? Sige, another issue na lang: sabi mo sa isang interview, biktima ka ng cyber bullying. In 30 seconds, why do you think you deserve it?

Because…

Don’t start a sentence with ‘because!’

I think I deserve it because…

Engot! Sasagutin mo talaga?!? Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Nakakaloka ka! Maiba ako: nanonood ka ba ng ‘Maalaala Mo Kaya?’

Ngayon?

Oo, ngayon! Habang kinakausap kita!

Ba’t ba ang bilis mong magalit Vice? Nagtatanong lang naman ako ah. Oo, nanonood ako ng MMK. Bakit?


Kung isasadula ang iyong buhay gaya ng ginawa sa life story nina Grace Poe, Alan Peter Cayetano at Juan Ponce Enrile (2 parts pa), sinong artista ang gusto mong gumanap bilang ‘Nancy Binay?’

Isa lang?

Hindi! Dalawa. May Siamese twin ka ‘di ba? Kung gusto mo tatluhin mo, para mas freaky.

Hay naku! Very Vice Ganda ka talaga.

Natural. Alangan namang maging Very Nancy Binay ako. Eeew.

Hayyy bahala ka na nga. Basta kung ako ang pipili, gusto kong gumanap sa akin si Julia Montes.

Teenager ka ‘teh? Kuwarenta ka na, Jumujulia Montes ka pa? Alam mo, may ibang mas bagay na gumanap sa character mo.

Kathryn Bernardo??

Hindi! Bernardo Bernardo! Chos!

In fairness sa ‘yo Vice, natawa ako. Wait, pwede ba akong magtanong?

Go!

Sabi mo sa interview Vice, and I quote, “Hindi ko isasaalang-alang ang mga pamangkin kong malilit sa mga buwitre… kaya inaayos ko ang pagboto ko.” Kami ba ang tinutukoy mong “buwitre?”

Hihiramin ko na lang ang linya ng asawa kong si Krissy, “I won’t answer that so I don’t have to lie.” Pak!

So kami nga ang tinutukoy mo?

Ba’t ba insistent kang buwitre kayo? Kung sasabihin ko bang hindi, maniniwala ka? Ito na lang ang sagutin mo. Dumadalas ang blackout sa Luzon. Ikaw ang sinisisi sa social media. May kinalaman ka raw ba?

Hindi ko sasagutin ang mga panlalait at below-the-belt na comments like that Vice. Itaas natin ang lebel ng debate.

Gaga! Paanong itataas eh ‘di ka nga sumisipot sa debate!?! Adik ka ‘teh?

Hindi. Ni sigarilyo nga hindi ko pa natitikman.

Anuba! Kainis ka! Napaka-literal mo!

UNA po ako, hindi Liberal.

Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Wait, bago tayo magpaalam, sa mga nagbabasa ng blog na ito, ‘wag po n’yong kalimutan ang aking concert, “I-Vice Ganda Mo ‘Ko’ next week na. Kokonti na lang po ang available tickets. Pa-reserve na kayo sa Ticketnet!

Pwede ba ‘kong manood Vice?

Wala nang ticket!!! Hindi mo ba ‘ko narinig? Kasasabi ko lang. Sold out na!

Pwede na lang ba akong mag-message?

Ano ‘to The Buzz? Startalk?

Eh ‘di ‘wag. Aalis na lang ako. May lakad pa ako.

Nagmamadali ka? May OJT ka pa?

Hindi ka na nakakatuwa.

Hindi ko obligasyong pasayahin ka! Pero sige… bilang pasasalamat sa pagdating mo ngayong gabi… bibigyan kita ng dalawang minuto para mangampanya. Free of charge!

Libre?!?

Hindi! May bayad! Kaya nga ‘free’ ‘di ba? Kasi may bayad! Start na!

Thank you Vice! Ahm… Sa mga minamahal kong kababayan. Nais ko pong

1111
Ayyyyyyyyyy! Brownout! Shit. Wala pa namang generator.

Vice, anjan ka pa ba? Hindi kita makita.

Wow. Hiyang-hiya naman ako sa ‘yo. Visible ka ‘teh?

Masyado ka! Namimersonal ka na naman!

Hindi ‘yan pamimersonal! Kahit magdebate pa tayo.

‘Di na kailangan. I believe you.

[End of Interview]
—————————————————-
“It is better to deserve without receiving, than to receive without deserving.”
~Robert Green Ingersoll

Sound Bites
“Mayroon akong mga pamangking maliliit, hindi ko isasaalang-alang ang mga pamangkin kong malilit sa mga bwitre or sa mga taong maaaring mang-abuso sa mga pamangkin kong maliliit. Kaya inaayos ko ang pagboto ko, inaalagaan ko ang pagboto ko. Sa pamamaraang alam ko, hinihikayat ko ang mga taong bumoto nang tama.”
~Vice Ganda

“At the end of the day, he has just one vote.”
~Nancy Binay on Vice Ganda

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: PDI]

LET THERE BE LIGHT (2013)

ANOTHER DOSE of light bulb jokes for the weekend. Enjoy!

LB
Q: How many Franklin Drilons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to hold the ladder. (Careful!)

Q: How many President Aquinos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to slam the previous administration for the old, overpriced bulb.

Q: How many Toby Tiangcos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but on condition that you’ll first identify the group who paid for the new bulb.

Q: How many Jackie Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to shoot the old bulb.

Q: How many Nancy Binays does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. She’s not qualified to do so.

Q: How many Teddy Casiños does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to criticize the government for approving the power rate hike.

Q: How many political dynasties does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won’t. They’ll insist that there’s nothing wrong with the bulb.

Q: How many politicians and DPWH officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to change it, another to change it again, and one more to change it for the third time even if the bulb is still working.

Q: How many Juan Ponce Enriles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. But he’ll ask the other senators to do it in exchange for bonuses.


Q: How many JV Ejercitos, Imee Marcoses and Manny Villars does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Secret.

Q: How many Migz Zubiris does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but he’ll quit the job halfway.

Q: How many Aga Muhlachs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Is he even a resident of the house?

Q: How many Aquino sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four: one to change it, two to speak against the old bulb, and one to just quietly sit there and wonder why the changing of the bulbs has to be aired live on TV.

Q: How many Ongpaucos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen: 7 to change it, and 8 to reverse it.

Q: How many Catholic bishops does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They refuse to accept change.

Q: How many South Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who needs artificial light when you have thousands of Moons and Suns?

Q: How many Mindanaoans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What for? They don’t have electricity.

Q: How many Tito Sottos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Bakit pa? Wala naman silang kuryente.

Q: How many Ricky Los does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why not change it yourself?

Q: How many PUP students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and one to burn the old bulb.

Q: How many UST students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it, one to write an editorial praising UST’s superiority over Ateneans and La Sallians when it comes to changing light bulbs.


Q: How many Kiefer Ravenas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to assist and one to change it.

Q: How many UP students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100: one – to lift another so he could change the light bulb, and 98 to cheer them on.

Q: How many La Sallians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “I’m sorry pare but I’m busy with my new car eh. What’s a light bulb pare?”
——————————————-
“You have to find what sparks a light in you so that you in your own way can illuminate the world.”
~ Oprah Winfrey

Sound Bites
“Before I die, I want to say that the one who killed my son is Jackie Enrile.”
~Retired Navy Capt. Ernesto Lucas, father of 19-year-old Ernest Jr. who was allegedly killed by Jackie Enrile in 1975

Have a great weekend!

[Photos: YahooPh]

PAPA AMERICANO

Warning: This post may offend religious feelings. Continue reading at your own risk.

THE SEARCH is over. There’s a new pope… a new old pope.

1pope
Latin American Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, 76 was not considered as a frontrunner for pope. In fact, in the days leading up to the conclave, he was off the radar; suddenly he’s up there. Very Bam Aquino.

Breaking: The United Nationalist Alliance is questioning the result of the balloting.

Did you hear Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio’s first speech as pope? CNN said the speech was “unconventional.” Some people believe it was “refreshing” and Tito Sotto was like, “Where can I get a copy?”

A Jesuit from Buenos Aires, Argentina, Pope Francis is reportedly a humble man. Others say he’s also “brilliant” although for Cynthia Villar, “Hindi naman kailangang gano’n kagaling ang Pope.”

A cardinal from Argentina has been elected Pope! As winner, the new pope gets a new iPad from Jamby Madrigal.

A new pope has been elected. If things go wrong under his leadership, he can always blame the previous administration of Pope Macapagal-Arroyo.

A Latin American is the new pope. Perceived frontrunners including a Filipino were snubbed by the College of Cardinals. Malacañang smells a conspiracy.

1
Thousands of Catholics gathered in St. Peter’s Square to welcome the new pope. As throngs waited for the announcement, someone in the crowd shouted, “Tagle! Tagle!” And then Pope Francis appeared and said, “You don’t do that to me!”

With or without a new pope, Migz Zubiri said “we’ll make baby No. 3!”

For at least two hours on Thursday, the Top 10 trending topics on Twitter worldwide were all pope-related. No Justin Bieber, no One Direction. That was Pope Francis’ first miracle!

The Roman Catholic Church is facing daunting challenges. That’s probably the reason why they chose Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, a Jesuit with a master’s degree in chemistry. He has the solutions.

Some reports say Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was the runner-up to Pope Benedict XVI in the 2005 conclave. I didn’t know Vatican adopts beauty pageant rules. “If for any reason…”

Ok, it’s done. We have a new pope. The frenzy is starting to subside. The Roman Catholic Church can now continue promoting its anti-homosexual, anti-women, and anti-choice stance. Habemus papam!
——————————————-
“I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance and Other Essays

Sound Bites
“When I approached Pope Francis to assure him of closeness and collaboration of Filipinos, he said, ‘I have high hopes for the Philippines.'”
~Manila Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

PANGKABUHAYAN

THROUGH THIS BLOG, Pangkabuhayan Foundation Inc. would like to relay this message:

Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile
Senate President Pro Tempore Jinggoy Estrada
Senator Ramon ‘Bong’ Revilla Jr.
Buhay Party-list Rep. Rene Velarde

Sirs:

Kami po ay taos-pusong nagpapasalamat sa inyong ipinaabot na tulong-pinansyal sa aming organisasyon – ang Pangkabuhayan Foundation Inc.

Hindi po biro ang natanggap naming halaga mula sa inyong Priority Development Assistance Fund o pork barrel.

Para po sa kaalaman ng publiko, ito po ang ibinahagi sa amin:
Mula kay Senador Jinggoy: ₱106.7 million
Mula kay Senador Enrile: ₱74.69 million
Mula kay Senador Revilla: ₱9.7 million
Mula kay Buhay Rep. Velarde: ₱3.88 million
Total: Almost ₱195 million

Happiness!

Inaasahan na po namin ang denial mula sa inyong mga kampo. Hindi na po kami magugulat kung igiit n’yong wala kayong alam sa alokasyong ito. Wala na ring masosorpresa kung itanggi n’yong pamilyar kayo sa aming grupo. Wala naman po talagang umaamin. Ever.

Pero hindi namin kayo masisisi. Mahirap madungisan ang pangalan lalo na sa panahon ng halalan.

Totoo man o hindi na wala kayong alam, irrelevant na po sa amin ‘yon. Problema n’yo na ‘yon at ng COA. Ang importante, happy kami sa nalikom naming halaga.

Sa Commission on Audit… nais naming ipaabot ang hinanakit sa panghuhusga. Kesyo ‘di n’yo kami mahanap, bogus na? Hindi ba pwedeng, naglipat lang muna? I’m sure marami d’yang tulad namin. Huwag sana kaming masyadong pag-initan.

Muli, maraming salamat sa mga senador at kongresistang naglaan ng milyun-milyong piso sa Pangkabuhayan Foundation. Ipagpatuloy n’yo lang ang pagtulong. (Let’s talk later.)

Sa mga miyembro ng Senado at Kongreso na nais ring mag-donate, ikagagalak namin kayong maging ‘partner.’
Send us an email: paraparaangpangkabuhayan@rumaraketlang.net.

Mabuhay!

Sincerely,
Pangkabuhayan Foundation Inc.
Address: TBA
Telephone: We’ll call you.
#AlamNa!

untitledNope Benedict
For the last time, Pope Benedict XVI boarded a helicopter and left the Vatican. But the pilot got confused and the helicopter landed on the venue of the Survivor finalé.

The Vatican has removed Benedict XVI’s tweets – all of them. Doing what the Vatican does best – coverup.

Pope Benedict XVI’s tweets have been removed by the Vatican. Benedict is giving up Twitter for Lent.

untitled
The Vatican has deleted Pope Benedict XVI’s official account on Twitter… prompting the ex-Pope to re-join Friendster.

Wait a minute. So the next Pope automatically gets 1.6 million followers? Unfair!

BREAKING: The Commission on Audit is releasing a damaging report on Pope Benedict XVI

From My Inbox
Reports say Filipino Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle, one of the youngest members of the College of Cardinals, is a potential candidate to succeed Benedict XVI. There have been rumors though that if Tagle gets the coveted post, some senior cardinals may skip the flag ceremony. (Sent by Mr. Joji Isla)

In Japan…
The Guinness Book of World Records has named 114-year-old Misao Okawa of Osaka, Japan the oldest woman in the world. Okawa’s nursing home director says the centenarian eats “everything” and “anything she wants.” I knew it! Dieting shortens life!
————————————
“Power attracts the corruptible. Absolute power attracts the absolutely corruptible.”
~Frank Herbert

Sound Bites
“The demolition work against UNA leaders has intensified because the LP cannot deny what is happening on the ground: Big crowds are attending UNA rallies and sorties, while their political events are nilalangaw.”
~UNA spokesperson Toby Tiangco on the COA Report

“Thank you for your love and support. May you always experience the joy that comes from putting Christ at the centre of your lives.”
~Pope Benedict XVI’s last tweet

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.