THE NERVE!

FORMER ALLY ZALDY AMPATUAN has come out and accused her of election fraud and graft. Ex-Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol has also named her as the brains behind the 2007 poll fraud in the province. And her name has been dragged into the PCSO fund controversy. Despite the allegations, erstwhile president and incumbent Pampanga Representative Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo has opted to remain silent.

Until now.

GMA has granted The Professional Heckler another exclusive interview. Here is the transcript of the unedited conversation.

The Professional Heckler: Welcome back and a great evening Mrs. President!
GMA: Not really! I just saw Zaldy and Bedol in the news.
Heckler: Later na ho natin pag-usapan ‘yan. How do I address you nga pala? Mrs. President? Madam Congresswoman? Ma’am Gloria?
GMA: It doesn’t matter ‘no. Hindi naman ako mashelan. Huwag mo lang akong tatawaging Tita dahil hindi kita pamangkin!

Heckler: Do you have an opening statement ma’am before I start asking questions?
GMA: Bakit? Senate hearing ba ‘to?! Akala ko interview lang?
Heckler: Oh, I’m so sorry ma’am. Sige po, any opening message na lang?
GMA: Ok, ok. Let me take this opportunity ‘noh to congratulate the Ateneo Blue Eagles. Ang hushay hushay n’yo, ‘no! Talon talaga ako nang talon kanina habang nanonood. Nasira ko nga yata ‘yong sofa eh! I am sho proud of my alma mater. I hope the feeling ish mutual ‘noh. At shobrang galing ni L.A. Revilla ‘noh! That rookie wash phenomenal in Game 2.
Heckler: Ma’am, taga-La Salle po si L.A. at hindi siya rookie.
GMA: Oh, na-confuse ako sa shobrang saya. I am shorry! One Big Fight, ‘noh?! Hihihi

Heckler: Diretso na tayo sa mga alegasyong ibinabato sa inyo ma’am.
GMA: Pakibilisan mo lang dahil may check up pa ako sa St. Luke’s ‘noh. Sumasakit na naman ang leeg ko. The nerve! It must be the nerve! At hindi ko puwedeng paghintayin si Dr. Juliet Cervantes. Mahal ang per hour no’n ‘noh.
Heckler: Sige po. Unang isyu: Ayon kay suspended ARMM Governor Zaldy Ampatuan, sangkot daw po kayo sa dayaan sa Maguindanao noong 2007.
GMA: Kung wala kang itatanong na bago, this interview is over! Shumashakit lang ang leeg ko sha ‘yo ‘noh!
Heckler: Eh ma’am, ngayon lang ho kasi nagsalita si Zaldy Ampatuan against you ‘di ba?
GMA: Noong 2004, ako. Noong 2007 ako. Baka bukash-makalawa, pati ‘yong Maguindanao Massacre sa ‘kin rin ibintang. Sa totoo lang ‘noh, nalulungkot ako sa mga nangyayaring ito. Zaldy and I have come a long way. Close ako sha pamilyang ‘yan and Maguindanao was like my second home in Mindanao next only to Iligan. Mashakit sa akin ang mapagbintangan ng ishang bagay na wala akong kaalam-alam. I categorically deny that ‘noh.
Heckler: Ano pong mensahe n’yo kay Zaldy Ampatuan?
GMA: Zaldy, friendship, wala namang ganyanan ‘noh. Alam mo ang totoo. Huwag mo akong idawit d’yan! Let’s just all move on… ‘noh? Huwag kang mag-alala, shuportado ko ang plano mong pagpapalit ng pangalan. I will text you some suggestions after my check up, ‘no?

Heckler: Lintang Bedol, ma’am. Ayon sa kanya, kayo raw ang arkitekto ng dayaan sa Maguindanao noong 2007.
GMA: Paano ako magiging arkitekto? Arroyo ang apelyido ko, hindi Palafox ‘noh! Jussh kidding. Hihihi Hindi ko kilala ‘yang si Lintang Bedol na ‘yan at wala akong pakialam ke linta man ‘yan, kuto o pulgash. Walang katotohanan ang shinashabi n’yan ‘noh.
Heckler: Sa inyong palagay ma’am, bakit po siya lumantad?
GMA: Ngayon ko lang shashabihin ‘to ‘noh. At sa ‘yo lang. Malakash ang kutob kong may kinalaman si Ping sa paglabash ni Bedol.
Heckler: Shi Shenator Lacshon ho?
GMA: Umayosh ka! Huwag mong gayahin ang S-defect ko. Oo! Si Shenator Lacshon. Ano bang shabi ni Bedol sa interviewsh sa kanya? “Kaibigan ko si Lacshon.” ‘Yon ang sabi niya. Shinong reporter ang naglabash ng ishtorya? ‘Di ba shi Anthony Taberna? Shino si Anthony Taberna? Inaanak sha kashal ni Shenator Lacshon. You do the math ‘noh.
Heckler: Hindi naman siguro gano’n ma’am.
GMA: Marunong ka pa sa akin! Shino bang interviewee dito? Ikaw o ako? Gushto mo palit na lang tayo ng puweshto? How’s your sex life iho?
Heckler: Sorry naman ma’am. Mensahe na lang ho n’yo kay Lintang Bedol…
GMA: Wala… ‘noh! Pero may mensahe ako kay Migs Zubiri. Migs, anak… alam mong ginawa namin ang lahat para sa ‘yo! Huwag kang bibitaw. Two more years. Kaya mo ‘yan noh?

Heckler: Rosario Uriarte ma’am. Gaano kayo kalapit sa kanya?
GMA: Oh, si Roshario! Matagal ko nang kaibigan ‘yang si Roshario, DTI days pa namin ‘noh. Pero ewan ko ba sha babaeng ‘yan! Until now, wala pa ring effort mag-ayosh ng sharili. Ni-refer ko na ‘yan sha aking stylist noon, pero look at her today! Deshpicable!
Heckler: Pirmado n’yo po ang mga PCSO memoranda kung saan makikitang nag-request ng millions and millions of funds si Mrs. Uriarte.
GMA: Sandali lang. Hindi pa ako taposh sa hairstyle ni Roshario. My goodnessh, she is attending a Shenate hearing ‘noh… not a lotto draw! Pero tingnan mo ang kanyang buhok! Ghastly, atrocious, contemptible…. ‘noh!? Ano ngang question mo?
Heckler: From 2008 to 2010, you approved some 325 million pesos in confidential intelligence funds. Para saan po ‘yon?
GMA: As the name suggests, it’s confidential. Next question!

Heckler: Ang sabi ni Senator TG Guingona, plunder ang nangyari. Pandarambong sa pera ng PCSO!
GMA: Hindi na ako nashoshorpresa! Kung gaano kalaki ang mga tainga ng TG na ‘yan, gano’n din kalaki ang galit nilang mag-ama sha akin. Ayaw ko na siyang patulan.

GMA: Shandali lang, ia-adjust ko muna ang aking brace dahil kumikirot na naman ang leeg ko. The nerve! It must be the nerve! Last three questions na lang puwede?
Heckler: Nang matanggap n’yo ho ang sulat ni Butuan Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos asking for a brand new car, anong naramdaman n’yo?
GMA: Honeshtly?
Heckler: Kung kaya n’yo, sige.
GMA: Gusto mo umalis na ‘ko?
Heckler: Sorry ulit ma’am. Sige po, honestly…
GMA: At first, nagulat ako. May pagka-demanding ang tono ni Bishop Pueblosh. Pero dahil ayaw ko nang madagdagan ang kaaway kong obispo, pinalampas ko na lang ang pagiging choosy niya. Shabi nga nila, if you can’t beat them, bribe them… ‘noh?

Heckler: Sa hearing po last week, tinanong ni Sen. Jinggoy Estrada si Bishop Pueblos kung tatanggap ba siya ng pera mula sa devil basta’t makakatulong ito sa mahihirap. Ang sagot po ni Bishop Pueblos, oo daw. Ang tanong ko po sa inyo: Kung kayo po ay magiging devil… why not?
GMA: “Hello? Dr. Cervantes? Yes… yes. I’m on my way. See you.”
Heckler: Teka lang naman ma’am. Hindi pa ho ko ‘tapos. I will rephrase the question na lang: Kung susulat ho ulit sa inyo si Bishop Pueblosh upang humingi ng brand new car, bibigyan n’yo ba?
GMA: I don’t think it’s necessary. As my father, the late Ka Dadong told me, “Do what ish right, do what ish best, and Romy Macalintal & Lito Atienza will do the rest.”

Heckler: Malapit na po ang State of the Nation Address ni Pangulong Aquino. Dadalo ho ba kayo?
GMA: What for? Alam ko na naman ang sasabihin n’ya… ‘no? “Dahil kay Gloria lumobo ang utang ng PCSO. Dahil kay Gloria, nagkaroon ng fish kill. Dahil kay Gloria, nanapak si Sara Duterte. Dahil kay Gloria, na-rape daw si Amanda Coling. Dahil kay Gloria, nabuntis si Andi Eigenmann. Dahil kay Gloria, walang girlfriend ang inyong pangulo.” Lahat na lang dahil sa ‘kin!
Heckler: Eh baka naman po talagang dahil sa inyo?
GMA: Dahil d’yan… tapos na tayo!
Heckler: Hahaha Nagbibiro lang ma’am. We’re almost done! Punta na tayo sa paborito kong segment, ang Rapid Round. Sabihin n’yo sa akin kung ano ang unang pumapasok sa isip n’yo kapag nababanggit ang mga sumusunod na pangalan. Ready na ho kayo?
GMA: Teka lang, ia-adjust ko muna ang brace ko. Ooops, the nerve. It must be the nerve. Kumikirot na naman ang leeg ko. Wait! There! Ok na! Game!

Heckler: Ok! Let’s begin! Bishop Pueblos…
GMA: Caring.

Heckler: Sara Duterte…
GMA: Daring.

Heckler: Leila De Lima…
GMA: Dating! Ang shaya-shaya ‘noh? May boyfriend pala siya.

Heckler: Mar Roxas…
GMA: Balay.

Heckler: Rosario Uriarte…
GMA: Suklay.

Heckler: Pangulong Aquino…
GMA: Walang malay!

Heckler: Bakit naman walang malay ma’am?
GMA: I don’t have to elaborate. Wala naman sa rules ng game ‘noh?!

Heckler: Fine! Next… Jose Ping De Jesus…
GMA: He quit.

Heckler: Charice Pempengco…
GMA: A hit.

Heckler: Zaldy Ampatuan…
GMA: Ayyy, shit!

Heckler: Palace social secretary Susan Reyes…
GMA: Kabit?!? Ay tsismis nga lang pala ‘yong sha kanila ni Mar. Shorry Ate Koring. I wash jusht kidding. Ang saya-saya ‘noh?

Heckler: FYI lang Mrs. President, noong nasa Europe ho kayo, nag-deny na si Ate Koring. Going strong pa rin daw ang pagsasama nila.
GMA: Hay naku! Ganyang-ganyan din ang statement ko noon. You know naman kung anong nangyari ‘di ba? Anyway, next!

Heckler: Noli De Castro…
GMA: Announcer.

Heckler: Rodrigo Duterte…
GMA: Silencer!

Heckler: Panfilo Lacson?
GMA: Dacer? Ang suwerte-suwerte n’ya, ‘noh?

Heckler: Finally, Dinky Soliman…
GMA: Traydor!

Heckler: Erap…
GMA: Emperador!

Heckler: Lilia Pineda…
GMA: Kubrador. Ooops, shorry ulit… paki-erase na lang ng part na ito, please? Mahal ko ang kumare kong ‘yan ‘noh?

Heckler: Mrs. President, I have a hypothetical question. Sana po ay sagutin n’yo. Kung sakali pong makulong kayo habambuhay dahil sa katiwalian at kurapsyon, ‘buti nga sa ‘yo!
GMA: Teka, teka, medyo nalito ako. Your question is…
Heckler: ‘Di bale na lang po, baka ma-late kayo sa inyong appointment. Huling tanong na lang po: Ano pong grado ang ibibigay n’yo sa performance ng ating Pangulo after a year in office?
GMA: Alam naman ng lahat na naging estudyante ko ‘yan sa Ateneo ‘noh. Well, some things never change. Pasang-awa pa rin. If it’s any consolation, consistent siya sa kanyang sub-par performance.

Heckler: Any advice po sa ating Pangulo?
GMA: I only have three words for him: “Tigilan mo na ako!”
Heckler: Ma’am, four words po ‘yan.
GMA: The nerve! It must be the nerve. Sorry, I have to go. Thank you.
Heckler: Thank you rin ma’am.
-END OF INTERVIEW-
——————————————————————————-
“Thoughts lead on to purposes; purposes go forth in action; actions form habits; habits decide character; and character fixes our destiny.”
~Tryon Edwards

Quote of the Weak
“Tell that to the anchovies. They treat the public like small fishes with small brains.”
-Lawyer Raul Lambino on palace claims it had nothing to do with Zaldy Ampatuan’s and Lintang Bedol’s statements against his client, the Arroyos

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang imbestigahan ang mga rebelasyon nina Lintang Bedol at Zaldy Ampatuan kaugnay ng dayaan sa Maguindanao noong 2007?
-Dapat lang para may closure. 53.74%
-Move on. 19.05%
-Wala akong pakialam. Uy, na-try n’yo na ba ang Google+ ? 27.21%

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Have a great week ahead!

LAPSES

DID YOU MONITOR the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee’s hearing on the PCSO fund mess Wednesday? The hearing was attended by several bishops plus, of course, their savior, the senators.


At least eight bishops and a dozen senators converged Wednesday in the Senate. It was a face-off between pretentious, holier-than-thou, self-proclaimed devout Catholics, and bishops.

PCSO chair Margie Juico apologized for saying that the bishops received “Pajeros.” Sen. Jinggoy Estrada lectured Juico, and said “As a devout Catholic, it pains me to hear that our bishops are involved in anomalies here in our country.” To which, the bishops replied, “The feeling is mutual.”

Butuan Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos admitted that he made a “lapse in judgment” when he asked for “a brand new car.” And in a move that shocked both the bishops and senators, Virgilio Garcillano issued a statement saying he never gave Pueblos a car.

Reading from a prepared opening statement, controversial Butuan Bishop Juan De Dios Pueblos admitted that he made a “lapse in judgement” in asking for “a brand new car” from former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. As soon as he was done reading, the other bishops held hands and started singing, “If We Hold on Together.”

Actress Susan Roces who was watching Bishop Pueblos on TV was like, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng magnanakaw! You wrote that letter not once, but twice!”

Zaldy
Former governor Zaldy Ampatuan revealed that ex-president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was involved in the election fraud in Maguindanao in 2007. Likewise, he  revealed that Jose Rizal was killed by the Spanish; the Earth revolves around the sun, and John Lennon was shot by Mark David Chapman.

Apparently, Zaldy Ampatuan wants to turn state witness. Against Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Zaldy Ampatuan has initiated court proceedings to change his last name. He is seeking a little compassion and empathy from the public. Hopefully, the judge would grant his petition to use the surname Mangudadatu.

Lintang Bedol
Former Maguindanao election supervisor Lintang Bedol has surfaced and accused the Arroyos of masterminding the election fraud in Maguindanao in 2007. Oh, I thought Lintang Bedol was dead. Well, now he is.

Lintang Bedol has exposed the alleged massive poll fraud in Maguindanao in 2007. Following his revelation, Bedol expressed fear for his life while Miguel Zubiri expressed fear for his post.

With his revelations against the Arroyos and other officials of the previous administration, Lintang Bedol has expressed fear for his life. He now considers changing his name.

De Lima’s Lovelife
Interviewed on ANC’s Strictly Politics, Justice Secretary Leila De Lima, whose marriage was annulled in 2001, admitted that she has a boyfriend. The 51-year-old single mom refuses to identify the guy nor his background but reveals she has six (new) witnesses to prove her claim.

Justice Secretary Leila De Lima has a lovelife. Take that Mr. President!

Absent!
Among congressmen with the most number of absences in sessions, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao placed fourth. In other words, he’s not present when solons deliberate on important issues. How are they able to tell?

Ang Galing Pinoy party-list Rep. Mikey Arroyo topped the list of absentees in the House of Representatives. In May 2011 alone, Mikey failed to attend a single session of the chamber. In totally unrelated news, Rufa Mae Quinto topped the list of absentees among “Showbiz Central” hosts for the month of May.
——————————————————————————————-
“Men of ill judgment ignore the good that lies within their hands, ‘til they have lost it.”
~Sophocles

Quote of the Week
“Manny’s a good friend, I actually love him. I love his tenacity, I love his competitiveness. So, Manny’s my guy.”
~NBA superstar Kobe Bryant on Manny Pacquiao

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang ipagbawal ang billboard ng mga naka-underwear na modelo/celebrities??
-Dapat lang. Offensive! 35.36%
-Hayaan na lang! Karapatan nila ‘yan. 26.15%
-Big deal? Ke meron o wala, wala akong pakialam sa mga ‘yan. 38.49%

Kobe! Kobe! Kobe!
It was an awesome experience – as always. Kobe’s fourth visit to Manila was the most attended. Araneta Coliseum was filled to the rafters. Laker and non-Laker fans trooped to the Big Dome Wednesday to see the Black Mamba.

Thank you again TJ Manotoc for the tickets. I was seated beside two Azkals, Jason Sabio and Simon Greatwich, whom I wrongly identified in my tweet as Rob Gier. Apologies.

Thank you Kobe for the visit. Lakers4ever.

Personal
I have a Twitter follower whose father, Mr. Lory Ordenes is a regular reader of this blog. Magandang araw po sa mga taga-Sablayan, Occidental Mindoro and thanks for reading sir!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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ALL APOLOGIES

IN A PASTORAL STATEMENT read by outgoing CBCP president Nereo Odchimar Monday, the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines apologized to the members of the Catholic Church after several bishops got embroiled in the PCSO fund controversy. Here’s a portion of that letter [and what the CBCP wanted to say but couldn’t in parentheses.]

Our Dear People of God,
[Mga Tagasunod,]

Our Mother Church has been deeply wounded by the controversies in the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office that have erupted in the past two weeks.
[Nitong mga nakaraang linggo, sumusobra na kayo. Pikon na ang Simbahan. As in!]

Some members of the Church believe in the innocence of the bishops involved in the issue, while others do not.
[Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, ‘wag!]

There is no doubt that everywhere in the Church there is great sorrow.
[Kung saan-saan na kami nagdasal, ayaw pa ring tumigil!]

We your pastors are one with you.
[Higit kailanman, kailangan namin kayo ngayon.]

… we are sorry for the pain and sadness that these events have brought upon you.
[‘Sensya na, tao lang.]

We are saddened that many of you… have been confused because of the apparent inconsistency of our actions…
[Hindi lang kayo ang ‘confused!’ Marami ring pari at obispo ang confused!’]

As we express our sadness, we also ask you to be slow in judgment…
[‘Wag kayong mapanghusga. Bakit?! Talaga namang kadiri ang same-sex marriage ah. Judgmental ba ‘yon?]

Let us seek the truth always in charity.
[Lalabas din ang katotohanan. Basta ang donasyon, ituloy n’yo lang.]

We assure you that the bishops concerned are ready to accept responsibility for their action…
[Kinastigo na namin at binantaang ititiwalag. Kapag ‘di pa naman nagtanda ‘yong mga ‘yon, ewan na lang.]

We assure you that their action was done without malice.
[Maliban na lang do’n sa isa. Nakadalawang sulat pala ang damuho! Ang kapal talaga ng mukha!]

Out of their sincere desire to help their people, they failed to consider the pitfalls to which these grants could possibly lead them.
[Kita n’yo na? Fault n’yo ‘to eh! Kayo ang dahilan kung bakit nagawa ng mga obispo ‘yon!]

They have also expressed their readiness to do everything that is necessary to heal this wound so that we can all move forward in hope.
[Ibabalik na nga namin ang mga sasakyan eh. Ba’t ba ang kulit n’yo? Anong akala n’yo sa ‘min? Patay-gutom? Mas mayaman ang Simbahan kesa sa PCSO ‘no?]

We shall examine our values in the light of our vocation to be disciples of Jesus Christ.
[Masakit pero kakayanin.]

We plead with you to walk with us in this path of constant renewal.
[Akala ng Noynoy na ‘yan, siya lang ang may matuwid na daan!? Kami rin!]

We express again our deep sorrow for the pain that the recent events have brought to you our beloved people.
[Paulit-ulit na kaming nagso-sorry. Akala n’yo ba madaling gawin ‘to? Hindi!]

The good Lord knows our love for you.
[Kaya nga kami nag-request ng 4 x 4, para mabisita namin kayo ‘di ba? Hindi pa ba sapat na pruweba ‘yan ng aming pagmamahal?]

The words of the Psalmist come to our mind: “My sacrifice, a contrite spirit. A humbled, contrite heart you will not spurn.”
[Patawad na kasi, ano ba?!]

As the same Psalmist addresses the Lord, we take his words as our own to encourage and challenge us: “Indeed you love truth in the heart; then in the secret of my heart teach me wisdom.”
[Natuto na kami. Promise, ‘di na mauulit.]

For the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines,
[‘Tapos na ang termino ko! Isang malaking good luck sa kapalit ko!]

+NEREO P. ODCHIMAR, D.D.
Bishop of Tandag
President, Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines
July 11, 2011

Margie vs. Manoling
The word war between PCSO chair Margie Juico and former PCSO chair Manoling Morato is getting personal – and ugly. Morato accused Juico of “charging even her sanitary napkins to PCSO.” In all fairness to Manoling, he uses his own money to buy one.

Caught
A saltwater crocodile suspected of killing and devouring a fisherman had been caught in Brgy. Rio Tuba, Bataraza, Palawan. But the croc insists a case cannot be filed against him citing parliamentary immunity.
——————————————————————-
“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”
~Kimberly Johnson

Quote of the Weak
“Margie Juico has been charging her grocery bills and even sanitary napkins to PCSO.”
~Former PCSO Chair/Director Manoling Morato

Have a safe and productive week!

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