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COMMUNICATORS

29 07 2010


Communications Group
President Aquino’s much-ballyhooed Communications Group will have two leaders – broadcast journalist Ricky Carandang and columnist Herminio Coloma. In appointing two heads, the President hopes to clearly relay his message to the public; draw feedback from them, and silence the warring factions in his government.

SONA Leak
Some palace reporters believe somebody in Malacañang gave ABS-CBN an advance copy of President Aquino’s speech last Monday. According to the Inquirer, ABS-CBN’s Facebook account posted a copy of the President’s speech even before he could finish his SONA. In another news dismissed by ABS-CBN as totally irrelevant, Ricky Carandang and Ces Drilon have been voted as News & Public Affairs’ most beautiful couple.

SONA Leak II
Reports say a copy of President Aquino’s SONA was leaked to ABS-CBN last Monday… something that’s not surprising since ABS-CBN is a government station.

Three Spokesmen
The President will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang. One to create the message; another to fine-tune it, and a third to leak it.

THIS JUST IN! Unverified reports say the Communications Group will soon produce a TV show for President Noynoy Aquino. The program will be similar to Mrs. Arroyo’s “The Working President.” It will be called, “The Shooting President.”


NFA & Rice
Angelito Banayo, the new administrator of the National Food Authority said the agency’s recent inventory showed there are no rotten rice stocks in its warehouses. But another inventory showed there still are rotten officials left in NFA offices.

NFA & Rice II
Assuring that the country has sufficient rice stocks up to the end of the year, NFA administrator Lito Banayo said, “Naliligo po kami sa bigas” – to which MWSS executives said, “Wala kayo sa amin. Naliligo kami sa bonuses.”


Pacquiao’s Speech
In his first privilege speech as a member of Congress, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao quoted a line from the Hollywood film “Spiderman,” ring announcer Michael Buffer, and American poet Robert Frost. And everyone agreed – his speech was more shocking than the president’s.

Pacquiao’s Speech II
In flawless English, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao delivered Tuesday his first ever privilege speech. Pacquiao was interrupted at least five times by applause, and thrice to look up a word in the dictionary.

Accurate Polls
According to random manual audit conducted by the National Statistics Office, results of the May 10 automated elections were 99.6 percent accurate, or as former senator Mar Roxas would insist, “It’s 0.4 percent wrong!”

Announcement
Are you a drug user who plans to travel abroad? Do you carry 26.1 grams of cocaine and two tablets of diazepam? Worry no more! NAIA security will never detect you!

Rumors say some friends of Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who is still languishing in a Hong Kong correctional facility want him to get treatment when he is released. Nope, not the type offered by NAIA; not special treatment.

Top 5 Sayings for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson

No. 5: Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay foil.

No. 4: Aanhin pa ang damo kung cocaine na ang uso

No. 3: Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay addict!

No. 2: Ang lumalakad nang matulin, may ‘tinatagong cocaine

And the No 1. saying for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson…

To err is human, to sniff is divine.

Makati Condo Problem
Do you still remember the gas leak at the West Tower condominium in Barangay Bangkal, Makati City? At press time, investigators have yet to identify the source of the leak… although Ricky Carandang is now a suspect.
————–
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
~Epictetus

Survey Says…
Were you shocked by President Aquino’s State of the Nation Address?
– Oo naman! Shocking talaga! 31%
– Sus! Anong shocking do’n? 57%
– I didn’t hear it. Walang TV sa office. Hmpf! 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend everyone!

DO NOT follow me on Twitter. You’ve been warned!

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Categories : political humor

SHOCK

25 07 2010


PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO says his State of the Nation Address will “shock” Filipinos… a majority of whom have yet to recover from the shock of his victory.

President Aquino warned that his SONA would “shock” every Filipino… except for Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and her former cabinet.

Presidential Communications Group member Ricky Carandang says President Aquino’s SONA will be 20-minute long… or even longer, depending on Mrs. Arroyo’s threshold for shame.

President Aquino said the first draft of his speech was 24 pages long, single-spaced and with a font size of 16 points. He also used his favorite font, Comic Sans.

The first State of the Nation Address of President Aquino will be in Filipino. The original plan was to write it in English… but President Aquino complained he couldn’t find a direct English translation for “wangwang.”

According to President Aquino, the fifth draft of his speech is down to 15 pages, and would probably take 30 minutes to read… or maybe 40, if they push through with the initial plan of including a cigarette break.

Ricky Carandang was quoted to have said that the initial draft of President Aquino’s speech reached 30 pages. And that’s just for his acknowledgment of the presence of all Abads in government!

President Aquino’s speech on Monday will reportedly focus on two things: the good intentions of the Aquino government, and the evils of the Arroyo administration. I wouldn’t be surprised if Conrado De Quiros was consulted by Aquino’s speechwriters.

Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda says President Aquino’s SONA will expose anomalies in the Arroyo administration. In fact, the President himself said his speech would contain at least five “discoveries” he made when he assumed office… which makes me wonder, why the need for a Truth Commission when the Communications Group is doing the same job?

President Aquino says his speech on Monday is down to 15 pages. The President is all praises for his pool of writers. You know, it’s not easy to write a 15-page speech based on a nine-year long material.

Busted: Tomorrow, Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo won’t be present in Congress’ joint session even if it’s her first term. Also expected to not show up is Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who has started another term – a jail term.

Top 10 Rejected State of the Nation Address (SONA) Opening Lines

No. 10: “Let us offer a minute of silence for the souls of those lawmakers who cannot be with us this afternoon.”

No. 9: “Sa lahat ng nangungulit at nagtatanong, sa Biyernes pa po ang dating ni Kris.”

No. 8: “Mar, pare, I know you’re watching. Miss you ‘tol!”

No. 7: “Kay Senador Antonio Trillanes IV, ipinapangako ko, sa aking susunod na SONA, kasama ka na namin dito.”

No. 6: “We are 30 minutes ahead of schedule. It’s only 3:30. Kaya mga kaibigan, would you please welcome, ang aking idolo… Mr. Noel Cabangon!”

No. 5: “Guard, make sure na hindi makakalapit si Sharon Cuneta kay Senator Sotto.”

No. 4: “Ang hindi papalakpak, babawasan ang pork barrel!”

No. 3: “Lahat ng dumalo ngayong hapong ito ay mag-uuwi ng Chicken McNuggets meal courtesy of Pagcor!’

No. 2: “After ng aking SONA, walang street party, walang free concert, walang budget!”

And the No. 1 rejected State of the Nation Address opening line…

“Magandang balita mga kababayan! Natukoy na po ang may kasalanan sa kakulangan ng tubig sa Angat Dam; sa nag-leak na gasolina sa West Tower condominium sa Makati City, at sa hiwalayang James Yap at Kris Aquino. Walang iba kundi ang dating pangulo, si Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo!”
———————-
“Promises are like babies: easy to make, hard to deliver.”
~Author Unknown

Breaking News!
Senator Francis ”Kiko” Pangilinan has withdrawn his bid for the presidency of the Senate. The LP senator said quitting is the best way to ensure unity among senators. It’s also the easiest way to save face.

Sen. Francis Pangilinan has withdrawn his bid for the Senate presidency. Even his party, the Liberal Party has reportedly conceded to Senator Enrile. The only person that has yet to concede is Sharon Cuneta.

Chavit Says
Ilocos Sur Governor Luis “Chavit” Singson told ABS-CBN News his son Ronald, a congressman could have been influenced (“nasulsulan”) to using drugs particularly cocaine resulting in his July 11 arrest in Hong Kong. Nasulsulan? Ronald is 41 years old. He’s a congressman. Nasulsulan? Dalawa lang ‘yan. Either he’s a drug user… or tanga.

Survey Says
Your take on the Comelec’s decision allowing Mikey Arroyo to sit as a member of Congress:
-Fair naman. Naaayon sa batas. 6%
-Lokohan na ‘to! Maling-mali ang desisyon na ‘yan! 87%
-Wala akong pakialam. 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a great week ahead. See you in Congress!


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UNDER FIRE

20 07 2010

PERSONAL: A former officemate has been jobless for months. She’s getting desperate. In the hope of landing a job in government, she’s planning to change her surname to Abad.


Four Posts
Lawmakers have criticized the recent appointment of the members of the Abad family in key government posts. Ex-congressman and former DepEd chief Florencio “Butch” Abad is the new budget secretary. His daughter Julia is the chief of the Presidential Management Staff or PMS while his son, Luis has been appointed chief of staff of Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima. Abad’s wife, Henedina is the representative of the lone district of Batanes and is the incoming vice chairman of the House appropriations committee. President Aquino may be single but his administration has its own First Family.


Security for SONA
At least 3,000 anti-riot policemen will be deployed when President Noynoy Aquino delivers his first State of the Nation Address on July 26. You know what that means? Tiba-tiba na naman ang McDonald’s! Wohoo!

Pagcor & McDonald’s
Reports say a check amounting to 21.1 millions pesos was released last June 28 to reimburse former Pagcor chairman Efraim Genuino for food purchases at McDonald’s that were “donated” to the NCR Police Office. Again, that’s 21.1 million pesos worth of meals from McDo! And we still wonder why many cops are overweight?

Based on receipts issued by McDonald’s, former Pagcor chairman Efraim Genuino ordered food on eight separate days – January 15, March 11, April 5, April 14, May 4, May 12, May 13 and June 3. In another news dismissed by Genuino as irrelevant, supporters of his son Erwin who lost in the mayoral race in Makati City have reportedly launched a boycott against McDonald’s saying, “Sawang-sawa na kami sa McDo. Noong panahon ng kampanya wala nang pinakain sa ‘min kundi McDo!”

Light Bites
Q: Ano ang favorite commercial jingle ng mga pulis?
A: Pa-pa-ra-pa-pa… love ko tong!

Yusoph’s Son
A son of Comelec Commissioner Elias Yusoph who was kidnapped in Marawi City last month has been released. The Philippine National Police denied reports that ransom was paid to the kidnappers… although McDonald’s-Marawi confirmed that 2 million-peso worth of cheeseburgers were ordered by an unidentified group of armed men immediately after Yusoph’s release.

Congressman Mikey
Voting 4-2 with one abstention, the Commission on Elections en banc allowed Mikey Arroyo to sit as representative of “Ang Galing Pinoy” party-list, which claims to represent among others, security guards in Congress. To prove that he’s serious about his advocacy, Mikey reportedly vowed to work on graveyard shift.

The Commission on Elections has allowed former presidential son Mikey Arroyo to sit in Congress. Rumors say Mikey has already drafted his first bill: “An Act Penalizing the Violators of the ‘No ID, No Entry’ Policy.”

SC and Plagiarism
Supreme Court associate justice Mariano del Castillo who penned the decision on a case filed by a group of comfort women has been of accused of plagiarizing from the Yale Law Journal and the Western Reserve Journal of International Law and a portion of a book by the Cambridge University Press. Del Castillo has denied the allegation but vows to pay for the act if proven otherwise… by donating cash to the basketball program of his alma mater, the Ateneo De Manila University.

Supreme Court associate justice Mariano del Castillo who penned the decision on a case filed by a group of comfort women has been of accused of plagiarism, or as Manny V. Pangilinan would call it, “borrowing.”

Charice and Belo
News that Vicki Belo performed a cosmetic procedure on pop sensation Charice Pempengco became the 6th most discussed topic worldwide on Twitter.com Monday night. Belo felt an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. A few years back, a cosmetic surgery done on her own face was a hit on AwfulPlasticSurgery.Com.

A footage of Charice Pempengco getting Botox injection was featured on the Hollywood entertainment show The Daily 10. They showed Charice’ old and new face, and then they showed the face of her sponsor Vicki Belo, the living proof that the procedure can go horribly wrong.
—————–
“I think most of the people involved in any art always secretly wonder whether they are really there because they’re good or there because they’re lucky.”
~Katharine Hepburn

Survey Says
Manolo Quezon, Ricky Carandang, Sonny Coloma, Jing Magsaysay, atbp. Ano ang basa mo sa pinaplantsang Presidential Communications Group?
– Okay ‘yan! Mas maraming nagtatrabaho, mas pabor sa gobyerno. 21.9%
– Naku, magiging magulo ‘yan! 37.5%
– Hintayin na lang natin.

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Who are the Abads?

Manila Standard Today: Ochoa hate mail gets Rated K

Newsbreak’s Inside Track: President Aquino upsets Japan and No to Lobbying


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KRIS AQUINO’S SONA

18 07 2010

Miriam Sues
Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago has filed a P1.6-million damage suit against American Airlines for a delayed flight to Los Angeles two years ago during which she fell sick. American Airlines has issued a statement expressing shock at Santiago’s delayed reaction.

Too Late
Almost a month after CIBAC party list representative Joel Villanueva’s term ended, the Supreme Court ruled that he was not eligible for a House seat because he was over the age limit for a youth sector representative. In case you’re wondering what the acronym CIBAC stands for, it means Congressman Ineligible But Allotted CDF.

Former CIBAC party list representative Joel Villanueva, a son of evangelist and defeated presidential candidate Eddie Villanueva has been appointed director-general of the Technical Education and Skills Development Authority or TESDA. His appointment came as a bit of a surprise mainly because his father has yet to concede defeat to Noynoy.

Charge GMA
A survey conducted by the Makati-based StratPOLLS showed that 7 out of 10 Filipinos in Metro Manila wanted former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to be charged in court. Yup, 7 out of 10. The other three were Mikey, Dato, and Luli.

Preparing for SONA
President Aquino has started preparing for his first ever State of the Nation Address on July 26. In fact, this coming week he’ll be meeting with his cabinet members, speechwriters, and Paul Cabral.

Preparing for SONA II
The Philippine National Police has conducted a drill in preparation for President Aquino’s SONA next week. The cops were given instructions on how to provide security for special guests; how to handle militant protesters, and how to prevent a clash between Team Lacierda and Team Juana Change.

Kris to Miss Noy’s SONA
Currently vacationing in the US with her kids, Kris Aquino won’t be present when her Kuya Noy delivers his first State of the Nation Address on July 26. However, she promises to show up on ‘The Buzz’ come August 1 to deliver her “State of My Marriage Address.”

Top 12 Things Kris Aquino Would (Not) Say In Her SONA If She Were President

No. 12: “To my ABS-CBN family, Mr. Gabby Lopez, Ma’am Charo, Tita Cory Vidanes, Tita Malou Santos, Ms. Mariole Alberto, Deo Endrinal, Linggit Tan, and of course, my ‘Buzz’ and ‘SNN’ pals Boy Abunda, Ian Reyno and everyone na nandito ngayon sa Batasan, I wouldn’t be standing here if not for your full support. Thank you so much. Promise, babalik ako. Soon! (Gallery shouts: We love you Kris!!!) Wow, pati pala talents ng Star Magic andito lahat, Mr. M, thank you very much. Wait, is that Ai-ai in yellow? I love you friendsheeeeeep!”

No. 11: “With finality I can say, ako, sumuko na. Officially, mula po bukas ang buong bansa ay wala nang First Gentleman.”

No. 10: “Bago po ako humarap sa inyong lahat ngayong hapon, kinunsulta ko po muna sina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, Kuya Noy, and Viel.”

No. 9: “Financially, aaminin ko po, malaki ang budget deficit natin. Pero willing po akong idonate sa kaban ng bayan ang kikitain ko sa susunod kong tatlong commercials.”

No. 8: “Today, I formally declare my support for sex education and the Reproductive Health Bill. Kung may sex education po noong time na estudyante pa ako, former Parañaque City Mayor Joey Marquez would have not infected me with STD, at malamang, hindi po ganito ang estado ng aking married life ngayon.”

No. 7: “Mula nang ako ay maupong presidente, wala pong hinto ang batikos sa akin at sa aming angkan. Sige na ho, gamitin n’yo ko talaga kung gusto niyong sirain ang aming pamilya. Kung ako na lang ang kasiraan ng Aquino at Cojuangco clan, sige gamitin n’yo po ako. Pero pwede ko pong ipagmalaki, mabuti ang pamilya namin. Nagmamahalan po ang pamilya namin. At minamahal po namin ang bayan natin kaya po lahat ng ito pinagdadaanan namin.”

No. 6: “Ipinapangako ko pong magiging pantay ako sa pagpili ng National Artists unlike my predecessor. Kaya’t upang walang masaktan at walang inggitan, sige… sabay-sabay na lang sila. Congratulations to Paul Cabral, JC Buendia, and Randy Ortiz, our National Artists for Fashion! Good work girls!”

No. 5: “Last night, nakausap po namin ni Boy si Mr. Manny Pangilinan. (Hi MVP, I know you’re watching!) At bilang pagpapahalaga sa aming pagkakaibigan, pumayag po siyang ibaba ng Meralco ang singil sa kuryente! And not only that! For the next six months, unlimited po ang text ng Smart sa lahat ng networks! Simply amazing talaga! Grabeh! Pero ‘wag pong malungkot ang Globe subscribers! Kahapon, I had dinner with Mr. Jaime Zobel De Ayala and his wife Lizzie. JAZA told me na may unlimited calls promo ang Globe to all networks for three months! Promise! Sa mga Sun Cellular subscribers, give me until tomorrow. Kakausapin ko pa ‘yung tatay ng ahas sa Galleria. Just kidding! Hi Lance! Hi Robina! Love love tayo huh!”

No. 4: “Sa mga lugar sa malalayong probinsya na walang libreng medical care, walang libreng school supplies, walang libreng sine, walang birthday gift, at kung anu-ano pang perks and freebies, huwag kayong mag-alala, lahat ng ‘yan ay tutuparin ni Tito Jojo Binay… sa 2016. Konting tiyaga. Six years na lang.”

No. 3: “Sinusuportahan ko po ang sinimulang training ni Pangulong Arroyo sa mga supermaids na ipapadala sa ibang bansa. At upang matiyak na masipag, may takot, at marunong sumunod sa utos ang mga maids, itatalaga ko po bilang direktor ng itatatag na ‘Supermaid Skills Training Administration’ ang aking friend, si Korina Sanchez. Love you Ate Koring. Peace! Sorry Pareng Bong but your sister Princess was overqualified.”

No. 2: “I am not perfect, and I will never be perfect. But I’m not a liar at hindi po ako masamang tao. Gusto ko gano’n din ang mga senador at kongresista. Kaya’t bago ko irelease ang Countrywide Development Fund at Internal Revenue Allotment, gusto kong malaman kung saan n’yo ito gagamitin. At para matiyak na nagsasabi kayo ng totoo, you’ll have to undergo a lie detector test. Bestfriend Sweet, John Lapus, I need your help on this one. Kaya sa inyong lahat na nandito ngayon sa Batasan… ‘Don’t Lie To Me.’ Aha-ha-ha! Gosh, this is fun!”

And the No. 1 thing Kris Aquino would (not) say in her SONA if she were president…

“Nag-promise po ako kay Noy na ‘di na ko masyadong magsasalita pero since this is my SONA, I can say whatever I want. ‘Tsaka ‘di ba I told you before na I may be anything but I’m not a liar? So, ladies and gentlemen, narito po ang listahan ng mga magnanakaw sa aking administrasyon. This is in random order. Let’s start with the Department of…”

In Other News…
Organizations allied with the ‘Reaffirmist’ group of CPP-NPA Founder Jose Ma. Sison have expressed strong opposition to the appointment of known ‘Rejectionist’ and former Akbayan Representative Loretta Ann Rosales as chair of the Commission on Human Rights. In totally unrelated news, mathematicians discovered that a triangle has three sides.

Secretary Abad
Today, July 18, the Philippine Star published a story on Florencio ‘Butch’ Abad. Yup, the government has found a new budget secretary. The only thing missing now is the budget.

Am-boat sa Imo!
A boat carrying ABS-CBN reporter Niko Baua and GMA-7 reporter Emil Sumangil, and their respective crews capsized off the shoreline of Limay town in Bataan – the site of a reported oil spill Saturday morning. Rumors say the vessel lost its stability when the reporters fought as to which TV network was better. As the boat capsized, the argument continued with Baua shouting, “Naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa mundoooo!” and Sumangil yelling, “Ito ang serbisyong totoooooooo!”
———————–
“One must be frank to be relevant.”
~Corazon Aquino

Survey Says
Dapat bang sisihin ang PAGASA sa pagkabigla ng mga taga-Metro Manila kay “Basyang?”
-OO! Mali ang forecast! 48%
-HINDI. ‘Di naman sila perpekto! 44%
-Bagyo? Mahimbing ang tulog ko. 8%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe week ahead!


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CLIQUES

13 07 2010


Noynoy and the Press
President Aquino hosted a dinner with members of the Malacañang Press Corps Tuesday night. As he walked with reporters toward the dining table, he promised them a friendlier, and more sociable administration… and then, he ordered Atty. Edwin Lacierda to just eat outside.

Noynoy and the Press II
Reports say President Aquino wants to work with a “friendly media” during his term as president… something that’s achievable considering that he worked with an even “friendlier media” during his presidential campaign.

Communications Team
RG Cruz of ABS-CBN News reported that there are two warring factions in the newly-formed communications team of President Noynoy Aquino. One group is identified with the pro-Binay camp, while the other is allied with the pro-Mar group… or, as Conrado De Quiros would probably say, good vs. evil.

Imelda and Noynoy
Ilocos Norte Representative and former First Lady Imelda Romualdez-Marcos reportedly kissed President Noynoy Aquino on the cheek during the birthday party of Makati City Mayor Jejomar Erwin “Junjun” Binay Tuesday night. Shocked by Imelda’s gesture, Noynoy exclaimed, “Sa mga nang-api sa sambayanan, wala akong karapatan na limutin ang inyong mga kasalanan!”

During the 33rd birthday party of Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay, former First Lady Imelda Marcos approached President Aquino and kissed him on the cheek. Close aides of both Mrs. Marcos and President Aquino were surprised by the awkward moment… which became more awkward when guests started shouting, “More! More!”

Top 5 Things Overheard At the Birthday Party of Makati City Mayor Jejomar Erwin “Junjun” Binay

No. 5: “Sinabi nang oo eh!!! Ba’t ba ayaw mong maniwala? Anak niya ‘yong batang lalaki! Buti na lang ‘ka mo at nagmana sa namayapang nanay. Kung hindi, kawawang bata. Tutuksuhin sa iskul ‘yan.”

No. 4: “Hello? Hello Ate Ballsy? Choppy ka. Ate!! Hello! O ayan, malinaw na. Eh anong magagawa ko? Bigla na lang lumapit at hinalikan ako sa pisngi. Alangan namang iiwas ko ang mukha ko? Don’t worry, ‘di naman yata nakunan ng media eh.”

No. 3: “Salamat sa pagdating n’yo sa kaarawan ng aking anak! I look forward to seeing you all back here next year, and the succeeding 23 years. Thank you!”

No. 2: “‘Noy, ‘di na ba talaga magagawan ng paraan ‘yong DILG? Baka naman puwedeng term-sharing? Kay Jesse ang first three years, sa akin ang last three?”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the birthday party of Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay…

“Hindi!!!! Hindi maaari! Hayaan mo siyang maghintay sa kotse! Malinaw ang nasa imbitasyon mahal na pangulo. Ikaw lang ang imbitado, hindi ang iyong alter ego!

Trust Rating
The latest Social Weather Stations survey showed that 88 percent of adult Filipinos trust President Noynoy Aquino. The other 12 percent are his ex-girlfriends.

Trust Rating II
According to the latest SWS survey, Vice President Jejomar Binay obtained a “very good” trust rating of 77 percent. The survey was conducted a week before Binay’s convoy beat the red light along Araneta Avenue.


Ruffa’s New Love?
Smartmatic president Cesar Flores and Ruffa Gutierrez are now an item! Unconfirmed reports say Flores gave Ruffa a PCOS machine on their first date. To prove that the gift was for real, Flores tried feeding a ballot into Ruffa’s PCOS machine. But Annabelle Rama arrived unannounced, and his ballot was rejected.

Ruffa’s New Love? II
Rumors say Smartmatic president Cesar Flores is reminded of Ruffa Gutierrez whenever he sees a PCOS machine. Asked why, he said, “madaling mag-init.”
——————————–
“Every clique is a refuge for incompetence. It fosters corruption and disloyalty, it begets cowardice, and consequently is a burden upon and a drawback to the progress of the country.”
~ Madame Chiang Kai-Shek

Survey Says
Maging patas kaya ang Malacañang sa paglalabas ng impormasyon sa media ngayong nasa gov’t media group na ang former ABSCBN reporter na si Ricky Carandang?
OO naman! Fair pa rin ‘yan. 25%
HINDI. Ang swerte ng ABS-CBN! 47%
Let’s see. 28%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Drinking spree in Malacañang

Personal
Before I started blogging, I ‘heckled’ political figures and celebrities by sending letters to broadsheet editors just like what the ‘legend’ in that field, Mr. Paul Mortel of Marikina City did. I won’t forget Mr. Mortel because he would almost always react to my own ‘letters to the editor’ by sending me personal mails. The letters were sent to our old office in Guadalupe, Makati City. Thus, it’s shocking and sad to hear about the guy’s untimely demise. May you rest in peace Mr Paul.

Adders
Pagtalakay sa mga usaping panlipunan at pulitika. Ito ang tatalo sa mga kasabay na telenovela. Dito, ang pananaw mo ang bida. SRO with Alvin Elchico and Lynda Jumilla nightly after TV Patrol on dzMM.

Another show I try to catch whenever I’m home on Thursday night is Susan Enriquez’ SUS NAMAN! on QTV. Try n’yo rin!

Enjoy the rest of the week!


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LAWBREAKERS

8 07 2010


YOU HEARD President Noynoy Aquino’s inaugural speech, right? He wanted the new government to lead by example; precisely the reason why he encouraged people in power to shun the wangwang. He wanted them to strictly follow traffic rules and regulations: No one should offer and accept tong or ‘lagay.’ No one should counterflow. And to prevent accidents, no one should beat the red light. Unless of course, you’re the vice president.


Caught on Tape
Last Monday, Vice President Jejomar Binay’s convoy was caught by a GMA 7 television crew beating the red light and ignoring a “no left turn” sign at about 11:30 a.m. along Araneta Avenue in Quezon City. Binay has reportedly reprimanded the “concerned personnel” – for their failure to monitor the presence of the TV crew.

As GMA News reported, Vice President Jejomar Binay’s convoy didn’t just beat the red light but actually ignored a “no left turn” sign along Araneta Avenue last Monday. According to Binay, he was in a hurry for a meeting that day, he totally forgot that he was not in Makati.

Binay’s Request
Vice President Jejomar Binay wants to have his own official office and residence like the president. Asked why, Binay said, “Alangan namang mag-uwian ako sa bahay namin for the next 24 years. Heller!?!”

Cito’s Back
Former Agriculture Secretary Luis ‘Cito’ Lorenzo Jr. is back! He told ABS-CBN’s Lynda Jumilla he’s now willing to testify in the P728-million fertilizer scam probe. In fact, President Noynoy Aquino himself said that Lorenzo could serve as a state witness. Why not? He knows a lot about the issue; he seems to be the least guilty, and his brother donated P20 million to Noynoy’s presidential campaign.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:Q_FC5DuANQwOmM:http://blogs.bet.com/entertainment/spotlight/bet-blog/assets/2009/12/tiger-woods.jpg In Sports…
At a news conference held after the recently concluded J.P. McManus Invitational Pro-Am in Ireland, Tiger Woods turned curt and dismissive, and declined to answer questions about his private life. Woods also expressed his thoughts on what he described was a ‘double standard.’ Baffled members of the media asked, what do you mean ‘double standard?’ Woods answered, “In the US, you cheat on your wife, you get crucified. In the Philippines, you cheat on the golf course, you get the Bureau of Customs.”

Alvarez Is In
The new commissioner of the Bureau of Customs – Air21 president and former SGV senior auditor Angelito ‘Lito’ Alvarez is in the news these days. According to Inquirer and dzRH sources, the posh Alabang Golf and Country Club imposed a six-month suspension on Alvarez for cheating during a golf tournament in February. But Malacañang’s search committee believes Alvarez is the best guy to take on the bad eggs at the Bureau of Customs. You know, galit ang mandaraya sa kapwa mandaraya.


The Late Mrs. Arroyo
Congresswoman Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo arrived three hours late in today’s orientation of neophyte congressmen at the House of Representatives. Mrs. Arroyo got up late because she wasn’t able to sleep well last night: she had a terrible headache, had an upset stomach, and saw Cito Lorenzo in the news.

Belmonte and Pork Barrel
Liberal Party’s bet for House Speaker, Quezon City Rep. Feliciano Belmonte is against the proposal of some of his party mates to slash pork barrel allocations to P40 million from P70 million per congressmen. Incoming House Minority Leader Edcel Lagman described the proposed cut as “flawed, cosmetic, and counterproductive” while Quezon Rep. Danilo Suarez said it’s “discriminatory.” In short, “anti-congressman.” Punyeta kayong lahat!


Red Mass
President Noynoy Aquino arrived late in yesterday’s Red Mass at the Manila Cathedral. In contrast, Vice President Jejomar Binay arrived so much ahead of everyone… which was not surprising considering how good his driver was in beating the red light.
———————————-
“An honest confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation.”
~Thomas Dewar

The Who
In the NBA, there’s John Amaechi. In the PBA, well, there’s the already-retired Apricot Banana Watermelon who was outed by his ex-wife. Both were professional cagers. Now, what if the head coach is homosexual? Would it be a big deal? Definitely not for the players of this collegiate team that is being mentored by a gay coach. As one team member asserted, “As long as he does not spend time with us in the locker room, walang problema.” Who’s the gay coach? Think John Donne and Ma. Isabel Lopez. Marami rin n’yan sa Pangasinan! And the college team? ‘Wag na. Basta ‘pag nahulaan mo, ituturing kitang isang bayani at tatanggap ka pa ng maagang Christmas gift!

Survey Says
Your take on Mae “Juana Change” Paner’s recent rants:
Nasa katwiran siya! Kaisa mo kami! 37%
Sus! Tama si Lacierda, inggit lang siya! 16%
Wala akong alam sa isyu! 47%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Manila Standard Today: The country’s richest

Overseas: CNN fires news anchor because of a Twitter post


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FIGHTS

6 07 2010


PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO says his Cabinet will undergo a seminar on how to properly deal with the media. The seminar is not mandatory for all Cabinet members… except for Edwin Lacierda and Bro. Armin Luistro.

Reports say members of the Aquino cabinet will attend a seminar on how to properly deal with the members of the press. You know, how to charm them, get their attention, sustain their interest, and make them believe all the things you say. The seminar will be conducted by Kris Aquino.

President Aquino announced that members of his Cabinet would undergo a seminar on media relations. Again, fine-tuning.

No TRO
A Quezon City court has junked the request for a TRO filed by a CBCP consultant against the pilot testing of DepEd’s sex education program… to which Bro. Armin Luistro allegedly said, “’Kita n’yo na? Walang naitutulong ang media!”

Shooting President
On his fifth day as president, Noynoy Aquino took time off and did some target practice at Langkaya, Antipolo with Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay. The younger Binay said he actually sent the invitation to Aquino two weeks ago… but it was only last Sunday that Mar Roxas was persuaded to let Noynoy go.

President Aquino went target shooting Sunday. Members of the PSG said he was unusually sharp that day. In fact, he only missed 1 of the 10 James Yap photos used as targets.

Photo of the Weak

“Anak, inililipat ko na sa ‘yo ang pamamahala sa minamahal nating lungsod ng Makati. Para sa ‘yo talaga ‘to dahil nasa grade school ka pa lang, isinumpa ko na sa aking sarili na hinding-hindi ko bibitiwan ang puwestong ito hangga’t ‘di ka sumasapit sa tamang edad ng pamumuno. Bata pa ang iyong anak na lalaki. Matagal-tagal pa ang iyong bubunuin. Konting tiyaga. Nakaya ko ang 24 years, makakaya mo ang 25. Mabuhay ka!”

Just So You Know…
There’s a reported Facebook war between Noynoy Aquino volunteer Mae Paner a.k.a. “Juana Change” and presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda. Interviewed on ANC, Paner revealed that Lacierda described her as “naiinggit” for criticizing the appointment of the Abads (whom she labeled as “recycled”) in government. The palace spokesman insists he’s just protecting Butch Abad and his family who are his close friends. The situation just got worse when Paner called up Lacierda to settle their differences. Instead of saying “Hello?” the palace spokesman said, “Oink?”

Tight Race
Reports say Senators Francis Pangilinan and Manny Villar are in a fierce battle for the presidency of the Senate. The only fiercer battle is between Juana Change and Edwin Lacierda.

Boat Capsizes
A motorboat carrying six members of the religious sect ‘Ang Dating Daan’ capsized Sunday enroute to Aroroy port after leaving Barangay Talib in Aroroy, Masbate. Probers are checking on reports that the boatman was a member of the Iglesia ni Cristo.

Overseas
US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has criticized Russia for occupying parts of Georgia… which is really ironic coming from a high-ranking official of a country that occupies the rest of the world.
——————————-
“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”
~Sun Tzu

The Who!
Another couple heads for splitsville! Mauritius Australia knew her affair with local politico Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia was doomed from the start. “There was a lot of fighting,” a source said. And whether she admits it or not, Mauritius Australia’s a battered “kabit.” She almost called it quits a couple of years back if not for her pregnancy. This time though, she’s determined to leave local politico. The straw that broke the camel’s back? Mauritius Australia learned that Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia has another woman, Greece Jamaica, a former flame of diminutive Mr. Romania. People wonder: why can’t Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia’s more famous father or brother discipline him? One of his constituents put it, “Isang himala kapag napagbago ng asal ‘yang si Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia. Pero kung magagawa ‘yan ng kanyang ama at kapatid, ako ang unang-unang sisigaw ng Hallelujah!”
(Updated July 9: Jordan Vanuatu Japan Ethiopia has granted ‘freedom” to Mauritius Australia. Nakahinga na ng maluwag ang kinawawang babae. Good for her.)

The Who, Too
If looks could kill, Yemen would be dead by now. And Germany would confess to the murder. Germany is so mad at Yemen for being a blabbermouth. It was Yemen who, without consulting Germany first, announced to the world that Germany’s romance with Malaysia was over. Germany didn’t want the public to know about it, and was actually successful in keeping the separation a secret from the tabloid press, until Yemen, yes, the rumormonger, made it public. Tsismosa!

The Who III
Will ex-politico, Kangaroo say “yes” to network bigwig, Parrot who offered him to anchor the network’s early evening newscast for a whopping P10M/month plus other perks? A very reliable source says Kangaroo still has a week left to decide. But will owners of his former network allow that? Everyone in his ‘original home’ with the exception perhaps of high-ranking Rabbit, is reportedly excited to see him back. Ano ang kanyang pipiliin? Abangan!

Survey Says
Who should be the Senate president?
Sen. Francis Pangilinan 40%
Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. 15%
Wala sa kanila. 45%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Wohoo!
Congratulations to Francisco Bustamante of the Philippines for winning the 2010 World 9-Ball Pool Championships in Doha, Qatar earlier today (Manila time)! Great job Django!

Enjoy the rest of the week y’all!


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THE INAUGURAL

1 07 2010


Highlights
Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III is now the 15th president of the Republic of the Philippines. God saved the Philippines from Joseph Estrada!

During his inaugural address, President Noynoy Aquino asked “Kayo ba ay minsan ring nalimutan ng pamahalaang inyong iniluklok sa puwesto? Ako rin. Kayo ba ay nagtiis na sa trapiko para lamang masingitan ng isang naghahari-hariang de-wangwang sa kalsada? Ako rin. Kayo ba ay sawang-sawa na sa pamahalaang sa halip na magsilbi sa taumbayan ay kailangan pa nila itong pagpasensiyahan at tiisin? Ako rin. Kayo ba ay nakaligo na sa dagat ng basura? Kayo ba ay namatayan na ng kapatid dahil walang pampagamot? Ay, teka lang. Sensya na, mali ho yatang speech ang nabasa ko.”

In his inaugural speech, President Aquino said, “To those who are talking about reconciliation… we have this to say: there can be no reconciliation without justice.” Suddenly, his newly-separated sister Kris Aquino rose from her seat and shouted, “Kerrrrek!”

President Noynoy Aquino in his speech promised to eradicate ‘kotong’ – totally surprising the 3,000 cops that were deployed to secure his inauguration who thought he was their ally.


Speaking before half a million Filipinos, President Benigno Simeon Aquino III said, “Walang lamangan, walang padrino at walang pagnanakaw.” In straightforward terms, Ramos, Estrada, and Arroyo.

During his inaugural address, President Aquino said, “Sa paglimot ng pagkakasala, sinisigurado mong mauulit muli ang mga pagkakasalang ito.” And then Kris Aquino stood yet again and yelled, “May tama ka!”

The new president added, “Kayo ang boss ko, kaya’t hindi maaaring hindi ako makinig sa mga utos ninyo,” to which Vice President Jejomar Binay said, “Promise?”


Jejomar Cabauatan Binay also took his oath as the country’s vice president Wednesday. Analysts noted though that President-elect Noynoy Aquino and outgoing President Arroyo arrived at the Quirino Grandstand ahead of him calling it a “breach of protocol.” But for Binay loyalists, it’s a “come from behind.”

President Noynoy Aquino also said, “Sa mga nang-api sa akin, kaya ko kayong patawarin, at pinapatawad ko na kayo.” Finally, a sigh of relief for the black propaganda team of the Nacionalista Party.

President Aquino opened his speech by acknowledging East Timor President Jose Ramos Horta, former president Fidel Ramos, the Senate President and the House Speaker… prompting actress Susan Roces to note that “Chief Justice Renato Corona was snubbed… not once but twice!”

President Aquino’s 23-minute inaugural speech was praised for being clear, straight to the point, sincere, pragmatic and most importantly, for not borrowing a single line from the speeches of Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Conan O’Brien and JK Rowling.

Light Bites
Obama: “Yes, we can!”
Noynoy: “No, wang-wang!”


Sidelights
From Times Street, incoming President Noynoy Aquino picked up outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at Malacañang Palace. Noynoy felt really awkward… mainly because he’s not used to picking up women in broad daylight.

When Noynoy Aquino finally met Mrs. Arroyo face to face at the palace, he was tongue-tied and didn’t know what to say. After a brief moment of awkward silence, Noynoy finally blurted out, “Who are you wearing?”

Police say the crowd at the Quirino Grandstand peaked at 600,000 during the actual oath taking of President Noynoy Aquino at noon Wednesday. In fact, Noynoy was so overwhelmed by the huge crowd, he ended his speech by shouting, “Amen! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah!”

During the inaugural, Noynoy Aquino was the top trending topic on Twitter. Not to be outdone, Jejomar Binay was the No. 1 topic… in the Roxas household.

Former senator and defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas was a no-show at Noynoy Aquino’s inauguration. It was understandable though because Roxas had to attend the burial… of his presidential ambitions.

In the evening, President Aquino went to the street party at the Quezon Memorial Circle where he sang Freddie Aguilar’s ‘90s hit Estudyante Blues. The first line of the song goes, “Si Ramos ang nakikita, Si Erap ang nasisisi, si Gloria ang laging may kasalanan!”


International singing sensation Charice Pempengco sang the Philippine National Anthem at President Aquino’s inauguration. Before the hosts called on Charice to sing, people at the Quirino Grandstand were visibly nervous… because Christian Bautista was also there.

Praises were heaped on Charice Pempengco for singing the national anthem correctly… to the chagrin of National Historical Institute** officials who were hoping to be interviewed on camera again had Charice bungled it.
**NHI was recently renamed National Historical Commission of the Philippines.

Regine Velasquez sang the melodramatic campaign song “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa,” the song used in Noynoy Aquino’s first music video that featured an all-star cast. Everyone in that video was present at the inaugural… except for James Yap.

The University of the Philippines-based Philippine Madrigal Singers and DLSU’s Kundirana also performed at the inaugural… eliciting a howl from the Ateneo community who accused the organizers of bias for not inviting the Ateneo Glee Club.

Did you see Jim Paredes’ co-host during the inauguration? FYI: That’s the very talented Mae Paner a.k.a. Juana Change, not Sharon Cuneta. ‘Sinlaki pero ‘di ‘sing mahal.

Reports say Sharon Cuneta wore a ‘recycled’ Fanny Serrano gown because there wasn’t enough time to finish a new gown. These days, a Sharon Cuneta gown requires at least three months to finish.

Another performer, Gary Valenciano was ecstatic. He quipped that “all sorts of Ks are here today: Kapamilya, Kapuso, Kapatid, Kabayan, Kaibigan and Kundirana.” And then from afar, he saw Mrs. Arroyo, a kawatan.

In Other News…
Immediately after turning over the presidency to Noynoy Aquino, Mrs. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo hurriedly left for Pampanga. She had to rush to Lubao to personally pick the winning numbers in the special Inauguration Day jueteng draw.

Noli De Castro’s term is over. Kabayan said he has served his country well and added that he’s not afraid to face the Truth Commission (if requested) since he had nothing to hide and he didn’t hide anything – except for one thing – he didn’t tell us that he was the country’s vice president for six years.

Photo of the Weak

GMA: “Shobra ka naman Preshident-elect. ‘Di pa nga ‘ko nakakaalish ng palashyo, may Truth Commisshion ka na agad. Can we discussh it firssht over dinner? Pleassshe?”
Noynoy: “Manong driver, may lighter ho kayo. Nakaka-tense dito. Yosi muna ako.”
———————————
“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Survey Says
Gusto n’yo bang magkabalikan sina First Sister Kris Aquino at First Brother-in-Law James Yap?
YES! For the sake of their kid. 12.4%
No! Bakit pa? 25.4%
Hmpf! Pakialam ko! 62.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Mabuhay ang bagong pangulo at bagong pangalawang pangulo ng bansa!
Padayon!

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!


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ITO ANG SIMULA

29 06 2010


President Noynoy Aquino’s Inaugural Speech:
Top 15 Rejected Opening Lines

No. 15: “I’d like to acknowledge the presence of my brother-in-law, James Yap. ‘Tol, kaya mo ‘yan!”

No. 14: “Now, for the most awaited part of my speech… drum roll please. And the DILG portfolio goes to…”

No. 13: “To all the girls I’ve loved before, ‘kala n’yo huh! Eat your hearts out!”

No. 12: “(Pssst! James! James! ‘Yun o! Third row, second from left. ‘Yung naka-sleeveless na yellow at white mini-skirt. Sexy! Kunin mo naman ‘yung number.)”

No. 11: “Gusto n’yo bang kumanta ako tonight sa street party? Gusto n’yo ba?! Wala akong marinig! Gusto n’yo bang kumanta ako tonight sa street party?!”

No. 10: “Hindi po totoong break na kami ni Shalani. Sa katunayan, nandito po siya ngayon. Ayun o! I love you Cupcake!”

No. 9: “Katulad po ng aking naipangako noong kampanya, pag-iisahin ko ang ating bayan. At bilang simula sa pagtupad sa pangakong ‘yan…. please welcome on stage, Sen. Manny Villar to draw the names of five lucky guests who shall win a house and lot each!”

No. 8: “I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify some things about the status of my lovelife. But first, thank you Kuya Noy for allowing me to speak here. You’re so bait talaga, promise.”

No. 7: “Opo, handang-handa na akong palaguin ang kita ng ating pamahalaan. Kayo po? Handa na ba kayo sa 15 percent na E-VAT?”

No. 6: “I’d like to thank Paul Cabral for my outfit and Bambi Fuentes for my hair and make up.”

No. 5: “Kasi naman eh! Bakit ‘di n’yo agad sinabing ‘No Smoking’ area ‘to?!?”

No. 4: “Everyone, your attention please! See that person beside Mar? Let me say this again. I did NOThave sexual relations with that woman!”

No. 3: “Mga kababayan… gusto n’yo bang magkabalikan sina Kris at James?”

No. 2: “Let’s have a roll call first. Hyatt 10? (Present!) The Firm? (Here!) Kamag-anak Incorporated? (Nandito! Kumpleto ulit!)”

And the No. 1 rejected opening line of Noynoy Aquino’s inaugural speech…

“Hello mic test, mic test?! Para sa ikakapanatag ng loob nating lahat: Team Roxas, please occupy the left side of the field. Team Binay, go to the right side. Thank you!”
———————————–
“Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
~Alfred E. Neuman


Light Bites
Have you seen the Noynoy Aquino inauguration souvenir miniature dolls? I just heard the wife of a losing VP candidate has bought a dozen… plus a set of needles.

Survey Says…
If you were Chief Justice Renato Corona, would you attend Noynoy’s inauguration?
SURE, why not? 42%
NO, thanks. 47%
Let me think about it. 11%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Catch Usapang De Campanilla with Alvin Elchico and Lynda Jumilla on dzMM, nightly@8.


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ONE LAST CRY?

28 06 2010


PRESIDENT-ELECT Noynoy Aquino’s youngest sister, Kris has announced on nationwide TV that her marriage to basketball star James Yap is over. Reliable sources say a woman caused the split. She was identified as Kris Aquino.

Incoming First Sister Kris Aquino admitted Sunday that her (almost) five-year marriage to basketeer James Yap is over. James has yet to issue an official statement but close friends say the cager is elated by the commutation of his life sentence.

An unimpeachable source has revealed that while James may have lost a woman in his life, the PBA star is unfazed. After all, there’s still Hope.

Top 10 Reactions to Kris Aquino’s Announcement that Her Marriage to James Yap is Over

No. 10: Manny Pacquiao: “Una sa lahat, pasalamat aku sa ateng Mahal na Panginuun. At sa mga kababayan natin sa walang sawang pagsupurta. Basta magdasal lang kayu lagi at malalagpasan n’yu ‘yan. Kay James, kaya mu ‘yan. Kenaya ku nga ih… you know.”

No. 9: Francis Escudero: “Ang bise presidente ko… may B, at mestiza pa! Ang mister mo ba… may ‘B’ rin?”

No. 8: Noli De Castro: “Bakit ka mangungupahan pa, kung kaya namang sa Times Street na?”

No. 7: Teddyboy Locsin: “Sonofabitch! Na naman?!?”

No. 6: James Yap: “Hello, Mayen? Puwede bang d’yan muna ako matulog? Kailangan ko lang ng kausap.”

No. 5: Manny Villar: “Nag-Pasko ka na bang wala ang iyong asawa? Naranasan mo na bang mawalan ng kabiyak kahit ikaw ay mapera? Pwes… ngayon, mararanasan mo na!”

No. 4: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “As my father would always tell me, just do what ish right. Do what ish best, and God will take care of the ressht. Sa totoo lang, ‘noh?”

No. 3: Korina Sanchez: “What?!? Iniwan niya si James Yap?!? ‘Sabagay, nasa dugo naman nila ang nang-iiwan. ‘Di ba Mar?”

No. 2: SWS and Pulse Asia: “Magkakabalikan, 51 percent; Hindi Magkakabalikan, 47 percent; Vetellano Acosta, 2 percent.”

And the No. 1 reaction to Kris Aquino’s announcement that her marriage to James Yap is over…

James Yap’s PBA Teammates: “Pa-cheeseburger ka naman! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!”

————————-
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
~Irwin Corey

Have a productive and safe week ahead!


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NO, THANKS!

24 06 2010


VICE PRESIDENT-ELECT Jejomar Binay visited President–elect Noynoy Aquino on Times Street on Wednesday and talked for about two hours. Inquirer sources say the two “reminisced on their long history together,” and “discussed their common passion – gun collection.” The meeting was warm and cordial… except for that brief tense moment when Binay pointed his gun on Aquino, and said, “Ibibigay mo ba sa akin ang DILG post o hindi?” And then followed it up with the line, “Joke lang.”

Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay has reportedly declined to accept any Cabinet position in the Aquino administration. The decision was made after a two-hour meeting on Times Street described by the Binay camp as “social and cordial” – or as the Roxas camp would describe it, “mission failed.”

Top 10 Things Overheard During President-elect Noynoy Aquino’s Meeting with Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay

No. 10: “Nanay Bebang… paki-on nga ho ng ilaw sa sala. Bigla yatang dumilim eh.”

No. 9: “Ipinapatanong nga pala ng Tita Ellen Binay mo. Totoo raw bang may kinalolokohan na namang chiching si James kaya nag-aalboroto uli si Kris?”

No. 8: “Pwede ho bang sandali lang ang meeting natin? Magdo-Dota pa kasi ako after nito.”

No. 7: “Ssssh. Atin-atin lang ‘to. May bagong bukas na, hmmm… alam mo na, sa Burgos Street sa amin ‘don sa Makati. Sariwa ang mga babes tsong! Rawwwr! Text mo lang ako ‘pag gusto mong pumasyal.”

No. 6: “Sorry ho. Late notice kasi ang pagbisita n’yo eh. Pasensya na kayo sa inihandang prutas ni Nanay Bebang. Tara, simulan na natin habang nagyeyelo pa… ang duhat.”

No. 5: “Try mo kasi ang Svenson. Effective ‘yon!”

No. 4: “Wala na akong magagawa Manong. Transition team ang nag-decide eh. DOTC ho ang sa inyo, take it or leave it.”

No. 3: “Pakisabi nga pala sa iyong Tiyo Peping, Tiya Tingting pati na rin kina Mikee, China at Mai-mai, maraming, maraming salamat sa suporta nila noong panahon ng kampanya.”

No. 2: “So ayaw ho n’yo?!? Tinatanggihan n’yo ako?!? Pwes… bukas ho ang pinto, makakaalis na kayo.”

And the No. 1 thing overheard during President-elect Noynoy Aquino’s meeting with Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay…

“Hayyyy naku Mar! Alam kong nasa kusina ka lang at nakikinig sa pag-uusap namin ni Noynoy. Lumabas ka nga d’yan!”
———————————

“I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat.”
~Sylvester Stallone


Feast of St. John
June 24 marks the Feast of St. John the Baptist. Reportedly spotted in San Juan were Senators Jamby Madrigal, Loren Legarda, and Pia Cayetano… who had to attend the annual celebration if only to experience getting wet again.

Survey Says
On the latest spat between Kris Aquino and James Yap, your take:
Sana maayos para happy na ulit ang lahat. 10%
Para wala nang gulo, maghiwalay na lang. 16%
Pakialam ko! Nakakasawa na ang kadramahan nila! 74%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend ahead!


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CLASHES

23 06 2010

IN TELEVISION AND RADIO interviews, former Tarlac Rep. Jose ‘Peping’ Cojuangco Jr. insisted, “I never, never campaigned for (my close friend) Jojo Binay. Ako ay Noy-Mar and I supported the tandem of… ” Cojuangco was compelled to cut short his statement when he felt that his chin was starting to grow.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino’s uncle, Peping Cojuangco denied that he supported the VP bid of Jejomar Binay, and insisted that he campaigned for Mar Roxas. In fact, Roxas won in every area where Peping made a pitch for him… except in the Cojuangco household.

Kris and James Spat
Reports say the most outspoken sister of President-elect Noynoy Aquino, TV host Kris Aquino, and husband James Yap are having marital problems yet again. The latest quarrel started when Kris and James, well… got married.

Even if he’s president now, Noynoy Aquino vows to give advice to Kris, and brother-in-law, James Yap whose marriage is on the rocks again. If he’s too busy with the affairs of the state, Noynoy will just let Kris and James seek advice… from his alter ego, Mar Roxas.

To spare President-elect Noynoy Aquino from intrigues, Kris Aquino will quit SNN and The Buzz this week. To further spare President-elect Noynoy Aquino from further intrigues, Kris Aquino will quit her marriage.

According to Kris Aquino’s best friend Boy Abunda, “May pinagdadaanang seryoso ang aking kaibigan.” To give you an idea how serious Kris’ problem is, when she texted her husband and threatened to call it quits, James Yap replied, “Thankz pohwzzz lolz!”

Kris Aquino has reportedly suspended her Twitter.Com and Facebook.Com accounts. But she opened a new account in PerfectMatch.Com

Yusoph Kidnapping
Now this is insane. A son of controversial Comelec Second Division Commissioner Elias Yusoph has been kidnapped by armed men who demanded that election results in several towns in Lanao del Sur be voided. In totally unrelated news, Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal was unable to sleep last night when losing Quezon City mayoral candidate Annie Susano asked him through text, “May anak ka na?”

DepEd vs. CBCP, Again!
An anti-family planning group led by CBCP’s former legal counsel, Jo Imbong has filed a class suit against the Department of Education seeking to stop it from teaching sex education because it makes students “sex-obsessed.” Really?!? You mean sex education is being taught in seminaries?

Smokers
According to the 2009 Global Adult Tobacco Survey, there are 17.3 million cigarette smokers in the country today. I heard they even formed a group to defend their habit. The group’s leader is called ‘president.’

Charice on Glee
Filipina singing sensation Charice will be part of the second season of the hit TV series, “Glee.” Not to be outdone, basketball star James Yap is reportedly auditioning for the next season of “The Bachelor.”

————————
“Family quarrels are bitter things. They don’t go by any rules. They’re not like aches or wounds; they’re more like splits in the skin that won’t heal because there’s not enough material.”
~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Survey Says
FVR for Ramos, PGMA for Gloria, JPE for Estrada. Ano ang dapat kay Noynoy?
PNoy (President Noynoy) 25%
PBSA (President Benigno Simeon Aquino) 7%
PNA (President Noynoy Aquino) 17%
Ambot sa imo! 51%

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Elsewhere
Newsbreak: The ‘influential’ Danny Lim?

Manila Standard Today: Inquirer chickens out

PDI columnist and ANC host Manolo Quezon compiled some fascinating facts and figures on Noynoy and Binay

Enjoy the rest of the week!


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POLITICS AND BASKETBALL

20 06 2010


Boston’s Loss
The Los Angeles Lakers won the 2010 NBA Finals in a come-from-behind fashion. The Boston Celtics are blaming Peping Cojuangco, Chiz Escudero, Conrado De Quiros, William Esposo, and the Council on Philippine Affairs for the loss.

Leading 3 games to 2 entering Game 6, the Boston Celtics failed to sustain its momentum and lost the NBA Championship to the Los Angeles Lakers. Despite Boston’s loss though, Noynoy Aquino assures his unwavering support for the team and promised to cheer on them again after one year.

The Boston Celtics lost to the Los Angeles Lakers in a thrilling fight to the finish. Despite Boston’s heartbreaking loss, Noynoy Aquino reiterated his support for the team and even said that Kevin Garnett was his alter ego.

The Boston Celtics lost to the Los Angeles Lakers who zoomed to the top during the last stages of the finals. Citing the lack of support from the Celtics’ second unit, Boston believer Korina Sanchez felt betrayed.


LA’s Victory
The Los Angeles Lakers outhustled the Boston Celtics en route to a thrilling, well-deserved victory. While Joseph Estrada accepted Boston’s loss and conceded that LA was the rightful winner, he criticized the officiating of the referees.

The Boston Celtics lost to the Los Angeles Lakers. Boston supporter Gilbert Teodoro conceded to the Lakers, and hinted that he would soon quit watching basketball.

The Los Angeles Lakers won the NBA championship against the Boston Celtics in seven games. With still two minutes remaining in the game, Manny Villar became the first Celtics supporter to concede to LA’s victory.

The LA Lakers came from behind to repulse the Boston Celtics in a thrilling finalé. Despite LA’s clear win, Jamby Madrigal, Nicanor Perlas and JC De Los Reyes refused to concede.

The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Boston Celtics in this year’s NBA finals. A majority of Philippine Daily Inquirer columnists reportedly supported the Lakers… except for Belinda Olivares-Cunanan.

GMA’s Books
On Tuesday, June 22, outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will launch two books, “Beat the Odds” and “Beating the Odds” in a formal ceremony at Malacañang Palace. The books contain a rundown of her accomplishments as president, as well as the challenges that she hurdled during her presidency. Even before the books are officially launched, both titles have reportedly zoomed to the No.1 and No. 2 places in Powerbooks’ list of fastest-selling work of fiction.

Outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo will launch two books, “Beat the Odds” and “Beating the Odds” in a formal ceremony at Malacañang Palace on Tuesday. Mrs. Arroyo has already dismissed rumors the similarly titled books are about her breasts.

FG’s Surgery
First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo underwent a delicate surgery on his backbone. His attending physician said Mr. Arroyo had spinal stenosis, a narrowing of the spinal canal. This medical condition of the spinal column is not rare but the surgery becomes complicated when the patient is reptilian.

The Inaugural
Manolo Quezon, President-elect Noynoy Aquino’s spokesman for inauguration-related matters says Noynoy will write 85 percent of his inaugural speech. A pool of writers will finish the remaining 15 percent while Noynoy takes a smoking break.

According to the grapevine, two Ateneo students initially volunteered to write the inaugural speech for President-elect Noynoy Aquino. But Noynoy declined and said, “Gusto n’yong mag-apologize at mag-resign agad ako?!?”

Three heads of state, Thai Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva, Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak and East Timor President Jose Ramos-Horta have reportedly confirmed attendance at the Noynoy Aquino inaugural. As a gesture of goodwill, President Hugo Chaves is sending the current Miss Venezuela.


Daring Journalist
Joshua Garcia, a reporter for local cable news network GNN was trapped near the crater of Taal Volcano after he defied warnings of residents not to descend into the crater while reporting on the condition of the volcano. Garcia could not climb back because his location was too steep. After five long hours, the coastguard was able to rescue Garcia who suffered exhaustion, dehydration, and embarrassment.

Unable to climb back due to the steep terrain, Joshua Garcia of local cable news network GNN was trapped for five long hours near the crater of Taal Volcano last week before authorities rescued him. People who heard the story were stunned and were prompted to ask, “GNN?!? Mehhh gano’n?”

Smokin’ Baby
Chances are you have seen the video of Ardi Rizal, the chain smoking, two-year-old Indonesian baby. When I first saw that clip on YouTube, I said, “This kid’s gonna be president someday!”

Survey Says
Isang self-serving question (Don’t worry, walang dagdag-bawas dito). Sino sa palagay n’yo ang magkakampeon sa 2010 NBA Finals?
BOSTON Celtics 38%
LOS ANGELES Lakers 44%
Bahala na. Kahit sino. Kahit wala. 18%

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Have a safe and productive week ahead!


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GETTING READY

15 06 2010


Back To School
Classes officially opened today, June 15. For newbies, it’s when they start to learn, experiment, meet new friends and enemies, get mocked and sometimes, bullied by more powerful people around them, and then evaluated with a pass or fail grade… exactly the same things that await our new president on June 30.

School and Pacman
Just a few hours after he arrived yesterday from Canada, Manny Pacquiao was present on Day 1 of his 10-day certificate course at the Development Academy of the Philippines. Rumors say though Pacquiao went home disappointed when he learned that sex education wouldn’t be part of the curriculum.

Something odd happened on Day 1 of Manny Pacquiao’s 10-day certificate course at the Development Academy of the Philippines in Pasig City. Pacquiao refused to leave the classroom… and waited for the final bell.

Lecturers at the Development Academy of the Philippines plan to orient Jinkee Pacquiao on the role of a Congressional spouse. Jinkee, who joined Pacman at the DAP yesterday, was reportedly shocked when lecturers informed her that wives of congressmen have other things to do aside from shopping.

Manny Pacquiao is returning to school after winning the congressional race in Sarangani Province. Meanwhile, his opponent, Roy Chiongbian is starting a career in boxing.

Net Worth
Based on his 2009 Statement of Assets and Liabilities, Sen. Manny Villar is still the richest senator with a net worth of 947.88 million pesos. That figure could have been higher if Villar didn’t try to buy the entire country during the campaign.

Noynoy’s Media Men
President-elect Noynoy Aquino has chosen ANC host and Inquirer columnist Manuel Quezon III as his spokesperson for inauguration-related news while award-winning journalist and ANC anchor Ramon ‘Ricky” Carandang will reportedly be part of Noynoy’s media group. There’s no truth to rumors though that ANC has replaced NBN4 as the official government station.

Noynoy’s Plea
President-elect Noynoy Aquino is trying to reconcile his allies who disagree because of politics. The other day, he called on Mar Roxas and Chiz Escudero to settle their differences. If Noynoy succeeds in uniting Mar and Chiz, he’ll then try to reconcile Korina and Kris.

Reports say President-elect Noynoy Aquino wants Mar Roxas and Chiz Escudero to make up. Joey Salceda volunteers to help.

Noynoy’s Inauguration
On June 30, President-elect Noynoy Aquino will take his oath before Associate Justice Conchita Carpio-Morales. The swearing in will take place at the Quirino Grandstand. On the same night, Korina Sanchez is expected to swear before Mar Roxas at the Araneta Center in Cubao.

The June 30 inauguration of the new president will include Noynoy Aquino’s traditional ride with outgoing president Gloria Arroyo. This early, Noynoy has been practicing, trying to perfect a jump from a speeding vehicle before it hits the grandstand’s concrete fence.

Noynoy’s Designers
According to ABS-CBN News, five designers – JC Buendia, Ivarluski Aseron, Randy Ortiz, Paul Cabral, and Joey Samson will dress up President-elect Noynoy Aquino during his 6-year term. The five fashion experts described the opportunity to enchance Noynoy’s looks… as their toughest job yet.

Noynoy’s Cabinet
President-elect Noynoy Aquino says the composition of his cabinet will be known this week. So far, nine have already said yes to his invitation to join his administration. They are Dinky Soliman (DSWD), Ding Deles (peace process), Jojo Ochoa (executive secretary), Edwin Lacierda (spokesman) and the five designers.

Jejomar or Jesse?
President-elect Noynoy Aquino is reportedly choosing between Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay and Naga City mayor Jesse Robredo for the DILG post. Binay has been vocal about his desire to take on the DILG portfolio but members of the civil society want Robredo. Since it’s a hell of a dilemma, Noynoy plans to consult Madam Auring.

Miss U 2008 in RP
The 2008 Miss Universe from Venezuela, Dayana Mendoza, and now Smartmatic’s Ambassador for Transparency is in the country to personally congratulate Filipinos for the peaceful conduct of elections. Meanwhile, in totally unrelated news, outgoing senator Jamby Madrigal and outgoing Quezon City Rep Annie Susano have both retracted their accusations against Smartmatic and congratulated the IT group for a job well done.
————————
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
~ Derek Curtis Bok

Briefly Noted
FM for Marcos. FVR for Ramos. PGMA for Gloria. And now PNoy for Aquino? WTF! Puwede ba, tigilan na ang pagpapauso ng kung anu-anong pagpapapogi. The campaign is over. He is the president now! Use PNA for President Noynoy Aquino. Besides, (and no offense) we don’t want Visayans to call him Penoy, do we? Sounds like infertile egg to me.

Survey Says
Pabor ba kayo sa pagkakaroon ng revolving First Ladies (Ballsy, Pinky, Viel and Kris)?
Why not? Try natin! 30%
‘Wag na lang. Parang magulo. 27%
Ayaw ko na ‘yang problem

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
UP Professor Solita Monsod (BusinessWorld): How to solve a problem like Jejomar Binay

Newsbreak: For most nat’l candidates, bailiwicks didn’t deliver


Personal
Still, Lakers! Believe.
‘Nuff said.

The Who
It happened during an out-of-town show. After the program, the cast and crew went swimming. Everyone had fun except for promising new actor who felt so uncomfortable because closet TV host (CTV) kept hitting on him. “Binakuran” – as one witness described it. Was CTV ‘successful?’ Sources say, na-ah. Bokya!

If you want to know the identity of the CTV, just ask Susan Sarandon and Helena Bonham Carter and they’ll surely respond in the affirmative. As for the promising actor, his name reminds us of one of the best presidents we never had.

Enjoy the rest of the week!


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CONVERSATIONS

13 06 2010


US President Barack Obama phoned President-elect Noynoy Aquino on Wednesday night to congratulate him. The telephone call lasted 20 minutes. It was a pleasant conversation between the two leaders who both vowed to strengthen bilateral ties. Obama excitedly inquired about Manila; Aquino enthusiastically asked about Virginia… tobacco.

During their 20-minute conversation, President-elect Noynoy Aquino and US President Barack Obama talked about their common habit: cigarette smoking. Obama vows to offer Noynoy advice on quitting smoking if Noynoy promises to give him tips on computer gaming.

World leaders continue to convey their congratulatory messages to President-elect Noynoy Aquino. Also on Wednesday night, Aquino got a call from Chinese President Hu Jintao… who informed him that China has just successfully tapped his conversation with Obama.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino received a call from South Korean President Lee Myung-bak too. President Lee thanked Aquino in advance for allowing half of the South Korean population to stay in the Philippines.

On Wednesday, President-elect Noynoy Aquino got a congratulatory call from US President Obama. Not to be outdone, Mar Roxas received a call that same night… from Sarah Palin.


GMA Calls Noynoy
Outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo congratulated President-elect Noynoy Aquino over the phone last Wednesday. Noynoy himself revealed that the call lasted only three minutes. Of course, that phone conversation could have been longer… if President Arroyo was a smoker.

President-elect Noynoy Aquino said he also got a call from outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo Wednesday night. A staunch critic of the administration, Noynoy admitted that he kinda felt “awkward” during the conversation… especially when Mrs. Arroyo started asking, “What are you wearing?”

Jose Maria Sison’s Allegation
From the Netherlands, CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison accused Pinky Aquino-Abellada, sister of President-elect Noynoy Aquino, of conspiring with outgoing president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and the US Central Intelligence Agency to “preprogram” the May 10 automated election system in favor of Noynoy. In another news dismissed as totally unrelated by local Communist leaders, the University of the Philippines Department of Psychology will release Jose Maria Sison’s psychiatric evaluation report.

Noynoy & Shalani
Apparently irked by questions on his girlfriend and their wedding plans, President-elect Noynoy Aquino told the press that he would have to consult Madam Auring on the matter. Shocked by Noynoy’s statement, Shalani Soledad blurted out, “Madam Auring na ngayon ang name ni Kris Aquino?!?”

Stars In Government
Unconfirmed reports say President-elect Noynoy Aquino plans to appoint film producer Lily Monteverde as Optical Media Board chair; young actor Dingdong Dantes as head of the National Youth Commission, and Mary Grace Poe-Llamanzares as MTRCB chairman. Earlier this week, Aquino has announced the appointment of Madam Auring as presidential adviser on marital affairs.


Revolving First Ladies?
If President-elect Noynoy Aquino requests it, Ballsy Aquino-Cruz says she and sisters Viel, Pinky, and Kris will take turns in playing the role of First Lady. Meanwhile, Dr. Elenita Binay has reportedly rejected Vice President-elect Jejomar Binay’s request to have revolving Second Ladies.
——————–
“Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.”
~Isaac Goldberg

Survey Says
Should Mar Roxas file an electoral protest?
Oo naman. Malay natin, mabaligtad ang resulta. 26%
‘Wag na. Si Binay naman talaga ang nanalo. 53%
Wala akong pakialam. 21%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Lack of ‘meddling’ First Lady a plus for Noynoy —analysts

Manila Standard Today: Inquirer drops Cunanan

Enjoy your long weekend!


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