KRISSY & OTHER STORIES

HERE’S ANOTHER batch of letters/inquiries from famous and not so famous people. Before I answer them though, let’s talk first to a very special guest who dropped by to say hi. Ladies and gentlemen, the most popular presidential sister in the world, Ms Kris Aquino…


Kris: Hi Bimb!
Heckler: Bimb? What’s Bimb mama?
Kris: Aha-ha-ha. Aminin mo Heckler, may recall ang TVC namin ni Bimby.
Heckler: What’s recall mama?
Kris: Stop it! Gosh! Hindi bagay sa ‘yo promise!
Heckler: Sige na nga! What brings you here?
Kris: Wala lang. Just wanted to say hello to your readers! Alam ko namang kapag ako ang topic mo, dumodoble sa unique hits ang blog mo. O, don’t deny! Aha-ha-ha! Pero ‘di naman ako magtatagal. I have to tape pa for KrisTV and then a meeting with UN people.
Heckler: Uy! Congratulations nga pala for being the newest United Nations High Commission on Refugees Goodwill Ambassador. Ikaw na talaga!
Kris: Thanks but let me clarify something! Angelina Jolie is the UNHCR Goodwill Ambassador. I am one of four honorary patrons. You talaga Heckler! Palpak ang research mo. Para kang si Jojo Robles ng Manila Standard Today! Hay naku! Think before you write!
Heckler: What’s the exact title again? Honorary matron?
Kris: Patron!!! Helloooooo! Mukha ba ‘kong matrona! I’m only 40 ‘noh! Kainis ka!
Heckler: Sorry po! I have a question nga pala Kris. You were quoted to have said na ayaw mo na sa guwapo, right?
Kris: Uh-huh.
Heckler: Tanong: May pag-asa na ba sa ‘yo si Mayor Junjun Binay?
Kris: You are so mean! Grabe ka! I swear! Wala akong sinabing pangit si Junjun huh!
Heckler: Bakit? May sinabi ba akong pangit siya?
Kris: Hellllow! Implied!
Heckler: Helllllow! Defensive!
Kris: Hay naku, late na ako sa taping! Ciao!
Heckler: What’s ciao mama? Hahaha
Kris: Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Bye!

And now, the letters…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Biktima na naman ako ng mga tsismosa. Ikinakalat nilang may naanakan akong estudyante. Bakit ba ginaganito nila ako? Ano bang mali ang nagawa ko?
Tuliro,
Pacman

Dear Pacman,
Nang sabihin mo last May na “Go to the world and multiply,” maraming nag-akalang si Jinkee ang ka-multiply mo! Hindi pala! ‘Yan ang napapala ng mga taong ayaw gumamit ng condom! ‘Buti nga sa ‘yo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Dalawampu’t dalawang taon na akong nag-u-Undas sa lupa. Kailan ako matatahimik? Hanggang kailan ako magtitiis?
Brrrrrrr,
Ferdinand

Dear Ferdinand,
If it’s any consolation, malamig ang kinaroroonan mo ngayon. Sakaling mailibing ka, napakainit ng iyong destinasyon. So, ano talaga ang mas gusto mo: nag-aapoy o nagyeyelo?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
My wife and I have been praying hard to have a baby pero wala pa ring success. Any tip?
Nag-aalala,
Mar

Dear Mar,
Aside from praying, what else is hard in you? Kung wala na, good luck na lang kay Korina.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na ipinagtanggol ng Department of Energy ang mga kompanya ng langis matapos na naman silang magtaas ng presyo ng mga produktong petrolyo. Anong klaseng tao ba ang mga ‘yan!?
Nagdududa,
Mamang Driver

Dear Mamang Driver,
Sila ang tinatawag na ‘lawyer’ at ang ginagawa nila ay ‘lawyering.’ Klaro?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Pansin ko lang, marami nang siyudad sa mundo ang nakikiisa sa Occupy Wall Street movement. Bakit parang sa Pilipinas po tahimik?
Nagtataka,
Mr. Bonleon

Dear Mr. Bonleon,
Bago pa man nauso ang Occupy Wall Street, matagal nang ginagawa ng mga hinayupak na buses ang Occupy Edsa. Tayo talaga ang nauna. Itanong mo pa kay Claire De La Fuente.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Never before has the entire judiciary, even in the days of martial law, been subjected to so much disrespect and lack of civility from sectors we sincerely consider to be our partners in nation-building. I say to them here and now: enough is enough!
Galit na,
Chief Justice

Dear Chief Justice,
Hindi muna ako magbibigay ng kumento. Baka kasi after 13 years, bawiin mo ang iyong mga sinabi. Inform me na lang kung final na ang statement mo. Thanks.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Si Christopher Lao, nagkaroon ng commercial after niyang mabiktima ng cyberbullying. Ako rin naman ‘di ba? Na-cyberbully din ako. Sa iyong palagay, magkaroon din kaya ako ng endorsement?
Plank!
Rep. Winnie Castelo
Quezon City

Dear Congressman Castelo,
The number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try your call later. The number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try your call later.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
May alam ako sa nangyaring dayaan noong 2004 elections. In fact, binayaran ako ng malaking halaga para mandaya sa Mindanao. Puwede rin ba akong tumestigo? Immunity muna.
Game na,
Taufik Adianto

Dear Taufik,
Ulol. Ano ‘to, trend? Nagsusulputan kayo ah! Ibalik mo muna ang suhol sa ‘yo saka ka humingi ng immunity! Kapal mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nag-shopping ako noong weekend. Sale kasi. Grabe naman ang higpit ng mga guwardiya! Kung makahalukay sila ng bag, akala mo, may tinatago akong bomba. Tinarayan ko nga! Saksakan pa naman nang haba ang pila. Inabot kami ng siyam-siyam.
Imbyerna,
Timotea

Dear Timotea,
Siguro pangit ka! Ang arte mo eh! Para kanino ba ang mahigpit na seguridad sa malls ngayon? ‘Di ba para rin sa safety ng mga katulad mong shoppers? Pasalamat ka at hindi ako ‘yong guwardiya. Kung nagkataon, baka hindi lang bag mo ang hinalukay ko kundi pati ‘yang pagmumukha mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Ano ba ang tamang pronunciation: ‘Tee-veyyyy’ Patrol o simply, TV Patrol?
Curious lang,
Piolo

Dear Piolo,
Curious ka pa rin ba until now? Ang tagal na ah! To answer your question… ‘TV Patrol’ ang correct na basa do’n. Pero sabi nga, there is exception to every rule. Puwede mo lang gamitin ang ‘Teeee-vey’ o ‘T-Veeeey’ o ‘Teeee-veeeey’ Patrol kung ikaw ay dating bise presidente. Minsan kasi ang pagiging engot comes naturally. Nagkataong bagay sa kanya so hayaan na natin.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gano’n ba talaga ako kasama sa paningin ng publiko? Na parang wala na akong ginawang tama ni minsan? Na parang ako na ang pinaka-abusadong congressman? Na tila ako na ang pinaka-corrupt na ex-presidential son?
Pakisagot,
Mikey

Dear Mikey,
Oo.
Heckler
—————————————————————————————————–
“Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell.”
~Shana Alexander

Sex and Pacman
Manny Pacquiao tells Playboy magazine, he abstains from sex three weeks before a fight. Or even longer than that after a fight… with Jinkee.

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: NAIA is world’s worst airport – poll

GMA News: Philippines is third most disastrous nation

Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay healthy and happy!

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THE INAUGURAL


Highlights
Benigno Simeon ‘Noynoy’ Aquino III is now the 15th president of the Republic of the Philippines. God saved the Philippines from Joseph Estrada!

During his inaugural address, President Noynoy Aquino asked “Kayo ba ay minsan ring nalimutan ng pamahalaang inyong iniluklok sa puwesto? Ako rin. Kayo ba ay nagtiis na sa trapiko para lamang masingitan ng isang naghahari-hariang de-wangwang sa kalsada? Ako rin. Kayo ba ay sawang-sawa na sa pamahalaang sa halip na magsilbi sa taumbayan ay kailangan pa nila itong pagpasensiyahan at tiisin? Ako rin. Kayo ba ay nakaligo na sa dagat ng basura? Kayo ba ay namatayan na ng kapatid dahil walang pampagamot? Ay, teka lang. Sensya na, mali ho yatang speech ang nabasa ko.”

In his inaugural speech, President Aquino said, “To those who are talking about reconciliation… we have this to say: there can be no reconciliation without justice.” Suddenly, his newly-separated sister Kris Aquino rose from her seat and shouted, “Kerrrrek!”

President Noynoy Aquino in his speech promised to eradicate ‘kotong’ – totally surprising the 3,000 cops that were deployed to secure his inauguration who thought he was their ally.


Speaking before half a million Filipinos, President Benigno Simeon Aquino III said, “Walang lamangan, walang padrino at walang pagnanakaw.” In straightforward terms, Ramos, Estrada, and Arroyo.

During his inaugural address, President Aquino said, “Sa paglimot ng pagkakasala, sinisigurado mong mauulit muli ang mga pagkakasalang ito.” And then Kris Aquino stood yet again and yelled, “May tama ka!”

The new president added, “Kayo ang boss ko, kaya’t hindi maaaring hindi ako makinig sa mga utos ninyo,” to which Vice President Jejomar Binay said, “Promise?”


Jejomar Cabauatan Binay also took his oath as the country’s vice president Wednesday. Analysts noted though that President-elect Noynoy Aquino and outgoing President Arroyo arrived at the Quirino Grandstand ahead of him calling it a “breach of protocol.” But for Binay loyalists, it’s a “come from behind.”

President Noynoy Aquino also said, “Sa mga nang-api sa akin, kaya ko kayong patawarin, at pinapatawad ko na kayo.” Finally, a sigh of relief for the black propaganda team of the Nacionalista Party.

President Aquino opened his speech by acknowledging East Timor President Jose Ramos Horta, former president Fidel Ramos, the Senate President and the House Speaker… prompting actress Susan Roces to note that “Chief Justice Renato Corona was snubbed… not once but twice!”

President Aquino’s 23-minute inaugural speech was praised for being clear, straight to the point, sincere, pragmatic and most importantly, for not borrowing a single line from the speeches of Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Conan O’Brien and JK Rowling.

Light Bites
Obama: “Yes, we can!”
Noynoy: “No, wang-wang!”


Sidelights
From Times Street, incoming President Noynoy Aquino picked up outgoing President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo at Malacañang Palace. Noynoy felt really awkward… mainly because he’s not used to picking up women in broad daylight.

When Noynoy Aquino finally met Mrs. Arroyo face to face at the palace, he was tongue-tied and didn’t know what to say. After a brief moment of awkward silence, Noynoy finally blurted out, “Who are you wearing?”

Police say the crowd at the Quirino Grandstand peaked at 600,000 during the actual oath taking of President Noynoy Aquino at noon Wednesday. In fact, Noynoy was so overwhelmed by the huge crowd, he ended his speech by shouting, “Amen! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah!”

During the inaugural, Noynoy Aquino was the top trending topic on Twitter. Not to be outdone, Jejomar Binay was the No. 1 topic… in the Roxas household.

Former senator and defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas was a no-show at Noynoy Aquino’s inauguration. It was understandable though because Roxas had to attend the burial… of his presidential ambitions.

In the evening, President Aquino went to the street party at the Quezon Memorial Circle where he sang Freddie Aguilar’s ‘90s hit Estudyante Blues. The first line of the song goes, “Si Ramos ang nakikita, Si Erap ang nasisisi, si Gloria ang laging may kasalanan!”


International singing sensation Charice Pempengco sang the Philippine National Anthem at President Aquino’s inauguration. Before the hosts called on Charice to sing, people at the Quirino Grandstand were visibly nervous… because Christian Bautista was also there.

Praises were heaped on Charice Pempengco for singing the national anthem correctly… to the chagrin of National Historical Institute** officials who were hoping to be interviewed on camera again had Charice bungled it.
**NHI was recently renamed National Historical Commission of the Philippines.

Regine Velasquez sang the melodramatic campaign song “Hindi Ka Nag-iisa,” the song used in Noynoy Aquino’s first music video that featured an all-star cast. Everyone in that video was present at the inaugural… except for James Yap.

The University of the Philippines-based Philippine Madrigal Singers and DLSU’s Kundirana also performed at the inaugural… eliciting a howl from the Ateneo community who accused the organizers of bias for not inviting the Ateneo Glee Club.

Did you see Jim Paredes’ co-host during the inauguration? FYI: That’s the very talented Mae Paner a.k.a. Juana Change, not Sharon Cuneta. ‘Sinlaki pero ‘di ‘sing mahal.

Reports say Sharon Cuneta wore a ‘recycled’ Fanny Serrano gown because there wasn’t enough time to finish a new gown. These days, a Sharon Cuneta gown requires at least three months to finish.

Another performer, Gary Valenciano was ecstatic. He quipped that “all sorts of Ks are here today: Kapamilya, Kapuso, Kapatid, Kabayan, Kaibigan and Kundirana.” And then from afar, he saw Mrs. Arroyo, a kawatan.

In Other News…
Immediately after turning over the presidency to Noynoy Aquino, Mrs. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo hurriedly left for Pampanga. She had to rush to Lubao to personally pick the winning numbers in the special Inauguration Day jueteng draw.

Noli De Castro’s term is over. Kabayan said he has served his country well and added that he’s not afraid to face the Truth Commission (if requested) since he had nothing to hide and he didn’t hide anything – except for one thing – he didn’t tell us that he was the country’s vice president for six years.

Photo of the Weak

GMA: “Shobra ka naman Preshident-elect. ‘Di pa nga ‘ko nakakaalish ng palashyo, may Truth Commisshion ka na agad. Can we discussh it firssht over dinner? Pleassshe?”
Noynoy: “Manong driver, may lighter ho kayo. Nakaka-tense dito. Yosi muna ako.”
———————————
“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.”
~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Survey Says
Gusto n’yo bang magkabalikan sina First Sister Kris Aquino at First Brother-in-Law James Yap?
YES! For the sake of their kid. 12.4%
No! Bakit pa? 25.4%
Hmpf! Pakialam ko! 62.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
Mabuhay ang bagong pangulo at bagong pangalawang pangulo ng bansa!
Padayon!

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!

ONE LAST CRY?


PRESIDENT-ELECT Noynoy Aquino’s youngest sister, Kris has announced on nationwide TV that her marriage to basketball star James Yap is over. Reliable sources say a woman caused the split. She was identified as Kris Aquino.

Incoming First Sister Kris Aquino admitted Sunday that her (almost) five-year marriage to basketeer James Yap is over. James has yet to issue an official statement but close friends say the cager is elated by the commutation of his life sentence.

An unimpeachable source has revealed that while James may have lost a woman in his life, the PBA star is unfazed. After all, there’s still Hope.

Top 10 Reactions to Kris Aquino’s Announcement that Her Marriage to James Yap is Over

No. 10: Manny Pacquiao: “Una sa lahat, pasalamat aku sa ateng Mahal na Panginuun. At sa mga kababayan natin sa walang sawang pagsupurta. Basta magdasal lang kayu lagi at malalagpasan n’yu ‘yan. Kay James, kaya mu ‘yan. Kenaya ku nga ih… you know.”

No. 9: Francis Escudero: “Ang bise presidente ko… may B, at mestiza pa! Ang mister mo ba… may ‘B’ rin?”

No. 8: Noli De Castro: “Bakit ka mangungupahan pa, kung kaya namang sa Times Street na?”

No. 7: Teddyboy Locsin: “Sonofabitch! Na naman?!?”

No. 6: James Yap:Hello, Mayen? Puwede bang d’yan muna ako matulog? Kailangan ko lang ng kausap.”

No. 5: Manny Villar: “Nag-Pasko ka na bang wala ang iyong asawa? Naranasan mo na bang mawalan ng kabiyak kahit ikaw ay mapera? Pwes… ngayon, mararanasan mo na!”

No. 4: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “As my father would always tell me, just do what ish right. Do what ish best, and God will take care of the ressht. Sa totoo lang, ‘noh?”

No. 3: Korina Sanchez: “What?!? Iniwan niya si James Yap?!? ‘Sabagay, nasa dugo naman nila ang nang-iiwan. ‘Di ba Mar?”

No. 2: SWS and Pulse Asia: “Magkakabalikan, 51 percent; Hindi Magkakabalikan, 47 percent; Vetellano Acosta, 2 percent.”

And the No. 1 reaction to Kris Aquino’s announcement that her marriage to James Yap is over…

James Yap’s PBA Teammates: “Pa-cheeseburger ka naman! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!”

————————-
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
~Irwin Corey

Have a productive and safe week ahead!

RACE ROUNDUP

IN DECLARING her bid for a Congressional seat in Pampanga, President Arroyo said, “Public service is emblazoned on my DNA.” Geneticists who were monitoring the announcement on TV almost believed Mrs. Arroyo’s claim about the quality of her DNA… until they saw Mikey Arroyo.

Contrary to initial reports, President Arroyo is running against three opponents in next year’s elections. They were identified as… Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao.

A day after Joseph Estrada filed his certificate of candidacy, former congressman Mark Jimenez filed his own CoC. Two ex-convicts are now running for president. Welcome to the Philippines!

Sen. Richard Gordon has joined his nephew, Olongapo City Councilor John Carlos “JC” Gordon De Los Reyes in the presidential derby. With neither uncle nor nephew expected to give way, observers predict a very tight race… for fifth place.

Former MMDA chairman Bayani Fernando, who has been very vocal about his presidential ambitions has decided to run for vice president instead. He is now seeking the endorsement of the Pink Sisters.

Joseph Estrada reportedly got pissed when Nacionalista Party’s Manuel Villar Jr. used his trademark “orange” as official campaign color. This prompted Estrada’s advisers to adopt ‘tangerine’ instead as their new color – a move that further incensed the former president who found it hard to spell ‘tangerine.’

Reelectionist senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. of Lakas-Kampi-CMD is a guest candidate of at least four other political parties: Partido ng Masang Pilipino, Nationalist People’s Coalition, Nacionalista Party, and Laban ng Demokratikong Pilipino. But that was nothing compared to Sen. Mar Roxas who used to be a guest on at least five: Wowowee, A.S.A.P., The Buzz, SNN, and Rated K.

While other presidentiables filed their certificates of candidacy with throngs of supporters, nobody (not even her husband) accompanied Sen. Jamby Madrigal when she filed her CoC. Jamby was a ‘one-man team.’

Former senator and Dangerous Drugs Board chairman Vicente “Tito” Sotto III will run for senator under the banner of the Nationalist People’s Coalition. He is also a guest candidate… on Eat Bulaga – daily.

The ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party announced Tuesday that lawyer Raul Lambino would be one of its senatorial candidates in the 2010 polls. Two days later though, he was dropped from the slate after he tried to change the party’s charter.

The Commission on Elections has announced that it has discovered a simple but sure way of determining the precise number of morons in the country through next year’s elections. Thanks to the re-election bid of Sen. Lito Lapid.

Ateneo De Manila University professor Danton Remoto will run for senator as an independent candidate. He is open to alliances though but as to which party, he doesn’t know yet. He’s confused.

Television reporter Alex Tinsay is running for senator under Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s ticket. Tinsay, a veteran reporter on GMA 7 has opted to quit his career in broadcast journalism… after getting tired of pretending he’s got one.

According to Comelec, 75 percent of those who filed for national posts were not serious. To illustrate: say, you have Jamby, Erap, Ely Pamatong, and Mark Jimenez… remove the 75 percent and you’re left with Ely Pamatong.

THIS JUST IN!
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 43 percent of respondents would “surely not vote for” a presidential candidate endorsed by President Arroyo. Asked if he’d still seek GMA’s endorsement, Gilbert Teodoro said, “Sino ‘yon?”

In Local Politics…
Incumbent Batangas governor, Vilma Santos is seeking re-election. Her husband, former senator Ralph Recto is seeking redemption.

Former First Lady Imelda Marcos is making a political comeback. She just filed her certificate of candidacy for representative of Ilocos Norte’s second district. Her campaign slogan? “The shoe must go on.”

President Arroyo’s staunch ally, Mrs. Lilia Pineda will try her luck again in Pampanga’s gubernatorial race against re-electionist priest-on-leave Among Ed Panlilio. Asked about her chances of winning, a very confident Pineda answered, “Katorse/sais! Tumbok ng otsenta/sahod ng beinte.”

Former Presidential Chief of Staff Mike Defensor is running for mayor of Quezon City against outgoing vice mayor Herbert Bautista. Herbert is keeping the location of his headquarters a secret for fear that Defensor will conduct a raid to “rescue” the actor’s supporters.

Jejomar Erwin “Junjun” Binay Jr., son of outgoing Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is running for mayor in 2010 – a move that surprised Makati voters who thought that the Binay family [rulers of the city for 23 years now] would endorse their very loyal vice mayor Nestor Mercado for the post. Asked why he refused to give way to Mercado, Junjun Binay said, “because public service is emblazoned on my DNA, too.”

For the first time in the history of Makati City and perhaps, the country’s local politics, the two frontrunners in the mayoral race are both black.

Still in Makati, Cong. Teddyboy Locsin and former congressman Butz Aquino have severed ties with Mayor Jejomar Binay. The Binay family’s control of Makati is now down to 98 percent.

The People’s Champ, Manny Pacquiao made true his promise (or threat) to file his CoC for representative of the lone district of Sarangani Province. To articulate his vision for the province, Pacman has named an official spokesperson: Michael Buffer. [Altogether now: Leeet’s get ready to rumble!]

And finally, Aiko Melendez, Roderick Paulate, Ara Mina, Alfred Vargas, Arnell Ignacio, Isko Moreno, Daisy Reyes, Lani Mercado, Rico J. Puno, Jestoni Alarcon, Cesar Montano, Richard Gomez, Anjo Yllana, Joey Marquez, Alma Moreno, Gian Sotto, Dan Fernandez, Marjorie Barretto, and Jigo Garcia all filed their CoCs for various posts in next year’s elections. The number of celebrities who came out last Tuesday was so huge, Comelec officials thought Noynoy Aquino was shooting another TV ad.
_________
“An election cannot give a country a firm sense of direction if it has two or more national parties which merely have different names but are as alike in their principles and aims as two peas in the same pod.”
~Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Postcript: Sa gitna ng piyesta at karnabal na nagaganap ngayon sa bansa dahil sa eleksyon, ang tanong ng bayan: meron pa ba tayong bise-presidente? Please lang po. Sakaling may impormasyon kayo hinggil sa taong nasa larawan, ipagbigay-alam lamang sa pinakamalapit na presinto. Marami pong salamat.

Survey Says
Your take on President Arroyo’s decision to seek a Congressional seat in Pampanga:
It’s her right. Hayaan na natin. :15%
Immunity from suit ang habol niya! 67%
Who cares, Care Bears? 18%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

I’ve Got Mail!
From Philippine Star columnist Billy Esposo:
US Ambassador Kristie Kenney: “After several years, our people recovered from 9/11.
I pray that the Filipino people will soon recover from the 4’11.”

Have a great weekend!

EXPOSED!

Laxon_expose
Lacson vs. Estrada
In Part 1 of his three-part privilege speech titled “Ang Dalawang Mukha ng Sining,” opposition senator Panfilo Lacson exposed Joseph Estrada’s extensive links to illegal gambling, smuggling, extortion, and other abuses during his term as president including the convicted plunderer’s possible involvement in the abduction and murder of PR practitioner Bubby Dacer and his driver Emmanuel Corbito. Sought for reaction, Estrada said, “Bakit ako matatakot sa 30 percent pa lamang na exposé? Mas nakakatakot ang kay Noynoy, 50 percent!”

Sen. Panfilo Lacson delivered an explosive speech linking former president Joseph Estrada to illegal gambling operations, big time smuggling, extortion, and other abuses during his presidency including his possible involvement in the gruesome murder of PR man Bubby Dacer. Observers believe this could have been the year’s most shocking political story… had not Sen. Mar Roxas proposed to Korina live on Wowowee.

manyuch Filipino-Chinese tycoon Alfonso Yuchengco confirmed Senator Lacson’s exposé that he was coerced to selling his PLDT shares to Manny Pangilinan in 1998. Asked to comment on Yuchengco’s revelation, Pangilinan said, “Chika lang ‘yun! Promise!”

jingg After Senator Lacson’s privilege speech, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada took the floor to denounce what he called “a clear vilification drive against my father” and warned, “If this gentleman does not stop spreading lies about my father, I will tell the truth about the person of Senator Lacson.” Inspired by Jinggoy’s reaction, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. rose from his seat, looked at a surprised Sen. Jamby Madrigal and threatened, “If this lady does not stop spreading lies about C5 road, I will tell the truth about the person of Senator Madrigal.”

In Part 1 of his three-part exposé on former president Joseph Estrada titled “Ang Dalawang Mukha ng Sining,” Sen. Panfilo Lacson detailed his former boss’ involvement in illegal gambling, smuggling, extortion, and other abuses during his short-lived presidency. After listening to Lacson’s speech, every single person in the Estrada household was reportedly stunned. In fact, former senator Loi Ejercito was so shocked… for the first time in several years, her face moved!

estrada_family
Top 5 Rejected Working Titles for Senator Panfilo Lacson’s Upcoming Privilege Speeches Against the Estrada Family

No. 5: “Ang Dalawa’t Kalahating Baba ni Jinggoy”

No. 4: “Ang Walong Kabit ni Erap”

No. 3: “Ang Nawawalang Leeg ni JV”

No. 2: “Ang Dalawang Katauhan ni Jude”

And the No. 1 rejected working title for Senator Panfilo Lacson’s upcoming privilege speech against the Estrada family…

“Through the Years: Ang Apat na Ilong ni Senator Loi Ejercito”

noys SWS Survey
Reports say Sen. Noynoy Aquino topped the latest Social Weather Stations survey conducted in major regions of Luzon earlier this month. Noynoy got 50 percent; the other 50 went to the Pink Sisters.

SWS Survey II
The latest SWS survey showed that the Noynoy Aquino-Mar Roxas tandem was the most preferred by voters in Luzon. The least preferred was the Mar Roxas-Korina Sanchez tandem.

GMA’s US Trip
President Arroyo has canceled her scheduled trip to New York. The president made the decision after getting information that not a single solon was willing to foot the bill at Le Cirque this time.

kabaya Noli’s Decision
The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Vice President Noli De Castro has rejected the offer of Lakas-CMD-Kampi to join the party. Sought for comment, De Castro explained, “Bakit ka kakandidato pa, kung sa offer pa lang ni Villar ay panalo na!”
__________
“Revenge is a confession of pain”
~Latin Proverb

korina_rg Elsewhere: RG Cruz vs. Korina Sanchez
I received a letter three days ago but opted to verify its authenticity first before writing about it lest I be accused again of spreading black propaganda against a certain Korina Sanchez.

Just so you know, there’s an ongoing “war” between a certain Korina Sanchez and RG Cruz, a journalist from ABS-CBN.

Reports say a certain Korina Sanchez, through an open letter, has asked her superiors at ABS-CBN to probe RG for his not so flattering Facebook comments about the ex-future First Lady. [Pati ba naman Facebook status, patulan?!]

A portion of the ex-future First Lady’s letter to management menacingly reads:
“So to you, RG Cruz, I say, I hope that — as your Facebook entry narrated — as you were “eating chocolate” and indulging your gastronomical cravings while events at Club Filipino on the 2nd of September 2009 were unfolding and all you could think of and delight in, as written in your Facebook, are your cruel attacks, pettiness, inanities and insensitivities to the sacrifice of others and, horror of horrors, make these public — you will, henceforth, attempt to save yourself from the very real prospect of disappearing, leaving this world without a trace, no better and even worse than when you found it.”

Here’s the letter in full as posted in the blog of lawyer Marichu Lambino.

Da Who?
Very reliable sources say a lawmaker who has “links” to showbiz is hooked on prohibited drugs. Because of the addiction, he is frequently absent in sessions. A TV show is currently working on the story but I seriously doubt if the lawmaker would grant an interview… unless he’s prepared to lose in the 2010 polls. Hint: Check out your calendar.

Survey Says…
Who should be the standard bearer of the administration party?
Noli De Castro: 8%
Bayani Fernando: 22%
Ronaldo Puno: 1%
Gilbert Teodoro: 14%
I don’t care: 55%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

KABAYAN

noli_dc De Castro and the Palace
Did you hear the news? Malacañang has given Vice President Noli De Castro a deadline to join Lakas-CMD-Kampi. Kabayan vowed to make a final decision after Manny Villar has made a final offer.

Top 10 Questions Vice President Noli De Castro Should Ask Himself Before Accepting the Invitation of Malacañang to Join the Administration Party

No. 10: Deadline? Eh sino bang 1 percent lang sa survey, ako o si Gibo?

No. 9: Am I this desperate to become president?

No. 8: Since my home studio, ABS-CBN is expected to back Noynoy Aquino, who will then support me – NBN 4?!?

No. 7: Is my future running mate, Ronnie Puno – capable of pulling off another “Sulo Hotel Operation” to secure our party’s victory?

No. 6: If yes, why am I tempted to allow it?

No. 5: Can Lakas CMD-Kampi match the multimillion-peso offer of my Wednesday Club buddy Manny Villar?

No. 4: Teka, saan ko na nga ba inilagay ‘yong tseke?

No. 3: If I would be drafted as Lakas Party’s standard bearer and ANC invites me to a series of presidential debate (to be moderated by UP professor Cheche Lazaro in English), can I just send someone on my behalf?

No. 2: How prepared am I to lose?

And the No.1 question Vice President Noli De Castro should ask himself before accepting the invitation of Malacañang to join the administration party…

Saan ako pupulutin pagkatapos ng halalan sa 2010?

Briefly Noted
Apparently, Manila Standard Today gossip columnist Victor Agustin a.ka. “Philippine Daily Inquirer’s pain in the ass” is misinformed. That post about the ex-Future First Lady was not written as a “chain mail” as he just claimed. People who read the post just started re-posting and circulating the article. Aba! Malay ko bang pati mga taga-Asian Development Bank eh nakiisa na rin pala sa pagpapakalat ng artikulo. Here’s Mr. Agustin’s gossip item on that blog post.

__________
“There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.”
~Scott Adam

MOTIVES

NOYNOY_MAR Mar & Noy
In a radio interview Saturday (August 29), presidential aspirant Mar Roxas said he is now willing to slide down to the VP race if his best friend, Noynoy Aquino decides to seek the presidency. In making that statement, Roxas hopes to solidify their friendship, cement party unity, and boost his ranking in the next presidential survey.

Mar & Noy II
Presidential aspirant Mar Roxas, who previously insisted that he wouldn’t slide down to the VP race has just announced on radio that he would give way to Noynoy Aquino if the latter decides to run for president. Mar’s latest pronouncement was hailed by everyone in the Roxas household… except for Korina Sanchez.

In the News: Mar Roxas at Noynoy Aquino, mag-uusap na!
Bad News: Live! Sa The Buzz!

In the News: Para sa kaibigang si Noynoy, Mar Roxas handang magparaya!
Bad News: Sa isang kondisyon: siya ang First Lady!

Party Wants Noynoy
The Aksyon Demokratiko party of former presidential candidate Raul Roco+ has formally endorsed Noynoy Aquino as its standard-bearer for the 2010 elections. Noynoy is reportedly enthralled by the support of Aksyon Demokratiko… mainly because her Mommy Cory and the said party have something in common – they’re dead.

In the News: Mga miyembro ng Aksyon Demokratiko, suportado si Noynoy Aquino
Bad News: Aksyon Demokratiko, iisa ang miyembro

GMA & Noli
Short of anointing Vice President Noli De Castro, President Arroyo, in a statement released Friday said she regards Kabayan “as a leader imbued with decency, capability, dedication to public service and genuine sensitivity for the Filipino masses that will make him a good President.” The Inquirer said the message was sent to the vice president through text message. And if rumors were to be believed, De Castro had a very prompt, very short, and very honest reply: “Madam President… what’s ‘imbued’?”

GMA’s Trips
Malacañang is now mum on President Arroyo’s upcoming foreign trips but the Department of Foreign Affairs says she may be in Libya as early as tomorrow, August 31. To avert another potential scandal, an advance party has been sent to Tripoli to scout for a carinderia.

In the News: Pangulong Arroyo, patungong New York at Libya
Bad News: Palasyo, naghahanap ng manlilibreng kongresista

RP’s Richest
Forbes Magazine reported that presidential aspirant Manuel Villar is the ninth richest Filipino today. He would have ranked a notch higher if the Comelec imposed a ban on premature political advertisements.

Elsewhere…
Albay Governor Joey “She’ a lucky bitch” Salceda strikes again. Check out this column.

An Inquirer letter-sender shares his views on Mar Roxas’ political advertisements. Read the letter here.

jdv3 Briefly Noted
Have you heard the radio (political) ad of Joey “Back Off” De Venecia? It goes:

Si Joey De Venecia…

“Natigil natin ang anomalya ng ZTE. Napigil ang kurakot.”

Pero ang bwelta ng pamahalaan kay Joey napakalupit.

“Ang buhay ko, laging may banta. Hanapbuhay, inipit. Kanegosyo, tinakot. Pero lahat ‘to kaya kong tiisin makasama ko lang kayo sa pagsulong ng pagbabago at pag-angat sa kahirapan.”

Palabra de honor. Delicadeza. De Venecia.

Oh, come on Joey! All of sudden you wanted to be “with” us?! That’s a lot of bull! You’re just as rotten as those guys who were involved in the scandalous ZTE-NBN deal so drop that shitty impression that you’re some sort of a hero because you’re not. And please, stop using the people for your own selfish ends. Who do you think we are… Jarius Bondoc?!?

jdv33 A more believable JDV III radio ad…

Si Joey De Venecia…

“Nawalan ako ng kontrata. Natigil ang pasok sa akin ng pera.”

Napagtanto ni Joey, mahirap pala kapag ‘di na House Speaker ang kanyang Daddy.

“Kompanya ko, sa bidding… natatalo. Hanapbuhay ko, apektado. Umaatras na rin ang ilang kasosyo. Pero lahat nang ‘to kaya kong lampasan dahil may papasukin na akong bagong negosyo – kayo! Tatakbo ako sa senado upang makasama ko ang mga tao sa pagsulong ng pagbabago at pag-angat sa kahirapan.”

Pork Barrel. Droga. De Venecia.
_________
“The public may be willing to forgive us for mistakes in judgment but it will not forgive us for mistakes in motive.”
~Robert W. Haack

Survey Says…
Who has a better chance of winning the presidency?
Noynoy Aquino: 42%
Mar Roxas: 7%
Neither. Iba na lang.: 51%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

THE VILLAR SHOW

villar
Villar & Wowowee
In case you were tuned in to Wowowee last Saturday, you would have caught the guesting of presidential aspirant Manny Villar. The program began as a game show at 11:45. By 2:30PM, it has become Damayan minus Rosa Rosal.

Appearing on the noontime perya that was Wowowee, presidential aspirant Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to returning OFWs who joined the game show. Villar, who was present at the studio, was almost in tears… mainly because he received text messages from Eat Bulaga contestants asking for the same.

Six houses and lots were given away by Manny Villar to Wowowee contestants last Saturday. When Mar Roxas saw this, he requested for another Wowowee guesting so he could give away… Korina Sanchez.

Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to returning OFWs who joined the noontime game show Wowowee. When presidential wannabe Eddie Villanueva saw this, he said, “Wala ‘yan! Kapag ako ang nag-guest sa Wowowee… papakainin ko ang limang milyon!”

camella Six houses and lots were given away by Manny Villar to Wowowee contestants last Saturday. When ex-president Joseph Estrada saw this, he requested for a Wowowee guesting to give away six of his extra mistresses.

Earlier this year, Mar Roxas gave away a pedicab (padyak) to a Wowowee contestant. Last Saturday, Manny Villar gave away six houses and lots to six more contestants. Unfazed by the competition, presidential aspirant Father Ed Panlilio is guesting on Eat Bulaga… to give away his virginity.

Six houses and lots were given away by presidential hopeful Manny Villar on Wowowee. Breaking News: The Department of Foreign Affairs has just confirmed that thousands of OFWs have quit their job overseas to join Wowowee instead.

Willie Revillame said there was no politics involved in Villar’s decision to give away six houses and lots to six Wowowee contestants. Ulol!

Noli and the Presidency
Vice President Noli De Castro denied persistent rumors that he would run as vice president of Sen. Manuel Villar. But De Castro explained he might change his decision if Villar would give him six houses and lots.

gibo Teodoro to Lakas
Another presidentiable, Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro has officially and formally joined the administration party. The move has formally and officially sealed… his defeat.

inq False Alarm
Do you remember the Inquirer’s banner headline last week about a “kidnapped, drugged, and raped” teenage daughter of a narcotics agent? That story turned out to be false. Now, do you remember former Supreme Court justice Adolf Azcuna’s announcement last Friday during a mass at the Manila City Hall that Cory Aquino has died? Here’s the latest: Azcuna has been offered a job at the Philippine Daily Inquirer!

Light Bites
Q: What’s the difference between the Inquirer and Azcuna?
A: Azcuna apologized.

China Asia Eclipse
Solar Eclipse
Last Wednesday, a total solar eclipse plunged China into darkness for like seven minutes… or as the Inquirer’s banner headline said, “Seven hours.”

Hayden Kho
The Philippine Medical Association (PMA) has decided to punish cosmetic surgery intern Hayden Kho over his role in his sex video scandal. As a punishment, he will be forced to fix the president’s leaking boobs – without pay.

gmasona2 State of the Nation Address
President Arroyo will deliver her 9th State of the Nation Address on Monday, July 27. That will be Mrs. Arroyo’s last SONA… the very reason why the Iglesia ni Cristo is having a huge feast on Monday.
________
“It’s true sensationalism sells, but that’s as far as that goes.”
~ Felipe Duran

Elsewhere…
Check out The Professional Heckler’s SONA-related post last year.

Here’s the list of the Best and Worst Food for Your Libido.

Da Who?
An EP of a show received an order from an executive to include in their line up of stories the “ballroom dancing session” some network executives spent with a (new) celebrity. Got no problem with that. But with an additional instruction to “enumerate through Voice Over” the names of the executives as they showcase their Terpsichore-on-Valium skills?! Now, that’s just cheap!

Personal
In case you’re interested, the Professional Heckler is on Twitter.  Click here.

Have a productive week ahead!

STICKERS

gma
Anti-GMA Bumper Stickers
1: Life’s A Bitch, And So Is the President
2: Pekeng Pangulo na may Pekeng Suso
3: Hindi Lahat ng Gloria ay Masarap


Anti-Mar Roxas Bumper Stickers
1: Good Politician, Better Actor
2: ‘Padyak Mo’ng Mukha Mo! Ulol!
3: Mar Roxas: Bi Now, Gay Later


Anti-Manny Villar Bumper Stickers
1: Manny Villar: Harapin Mo Kami Duwag!
2: Always No. 1 in SWS Surveys He Himself Funded
3: C5 at Tiyaga: Kung ‘Di Nabisto, Panalo!

eddie
Anti-Brother Eddie Villanueva Bumper Stickers
1: Brother Eddie: Whom the Gods Wish to Destroy…
2: Ka-sekta mo nga Nireject ka, Kami Pa!
3: A Vote for Brother Eddie is a Vote for Morality (You’ve Been Warned!)

loren
Anti-Loren Legarda Bumper Stickers
1: Loren Loren Sinta ni Edong Angara
2: Madame (Political) Butterfly: Papalit-palit, Palipat-lipat
3: I’m Male. 70. Married. (Definitely, your type!) Can I Be Your First Gentleman?

noli
Anti-Noli De Castro Bumper Stickers
1: If Noli De Castro Is Qualified, So Am I
2: Big Voice Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Big Brains
3: Noli De Castro: Kung Takot Kami Kay Gloria, Mas Takot Kami Sa ‘Yo!

among
Anti-Among Ed Panlilio Bumper Stickers
1: Among Ed Kinausap ng Diyos: Mehhh Ganun?!?
2: God Knows Hudas Talk to Him
3: Another Kapampangan in Malacañang?! Are you nuts?

erap
Anti-Joseph Estrada Bumper Stickers
1: Kung Naloko Mo Kami Noon, Hindi Na Ngayon
2: Joseph Estrada: Re-elect At Your Own Risk
3: If You Can Read This, You’re Not Erap
_________
Survey Says…
Should Father Ed Panlilio run for president?
NO: 53%
YES: 35%
I Don’t Care: 12%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

2010

2010
The Top 12 Predicted Top 10 Topics of this Blog in May 2010

No. 12: The Top 10 Most Disgusting Political Advertisements

No. 11: The Top 10 Signs ABS-CBN Supported Presidential Bet Mar Roxas

No. 10: The Top 10 Reasons Why Dr. Vicki Belo Failed in Her Senatorial Bid

No. 9: The Top 10 Additional Benefits for Makati City Residents As Revealed By Winning Opposition Senator Jejomar Binay

No. 8: The Top 10 Real Reasons Why Every Presidential Candidate Was Present in Each of the Nine Healing Masses for Cory Aquino Two Weeks Before the Polls

No. 7: Ang Sampung Pinakabonggang Dahilan Kung Bakit Nanguna sa Halalang Pam-Party List ang Grupong “Ang Ladlad” – Promise!

No. 6: The Top 10 Alibis Given by Presidential Candidate Bro. Eddie Villanueva When His Flock of “Five Million” Voted for Someone Else… Again!

No. 5: The Top 10 A-List Celebrities Spotted at the Victory Party of Cong. Manny Pacquiao

No. 4: The Top 10 Things that Could Have Happened If Vice President Noli De Castro Rejected Sen. Manuel Villar’s Millions and Ran for President Instead

No. 3: The Top 10 Ways Korina Sanchez Reacted When Defeated Presidential Candidate Mar Roxas Reportedly Told Her: “Show’s over. And so are we.”

No. 2: The Top 10 Possible Challengers of Newly-Elected Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to the post of Prime Minister

And the No. 1 Predicted Top 10 topic of this blog in May 2010…

The Top 10 Reasons Why the Commission on Elections Declared A Failure of Automated Elections
___________
“Never make predictions, especially about the future.”
~ Casey Stengel

Awesome!
This is hilarious. Just change the name in the URL to personalize your own “tribute.” Thanks to Mel for this.
Here is the link.