Friday Light Bites
One really dark evening, presidential and vice presidential candidates together with some politicians decided to have fun by playing hide-and-seek:

Even before the game started, Vetellano Acosta was disqualified because he didn’t know the rules.

Joseph Estrada initially confirmed his participation but decided to back out at the last minute, and accused the organizer of bias.

Mar Roxas, who had an inkling he would lose, withdrew from the game.

The youngest candidate, JC De Los Reyes begged off from joining the nocturnal activity because he needed eight hours of sleep.

With confidence, Bro. Eddie Villanueva volunteered to be “IT” saying, “The Lord is my shepherd. When I seek, I shall find.”

Environmentalist Nicanor Perlas hid behind a tree.

Si Edu Manzano, umasa sa tulong ng isa pang “puno.”

Gilbert Teodoro hid behind a school building, the place where he felt most welcome.

Loren Legarda hid behind a tree. Then, she transferred behind a haystack. Then she transferred behind a barn. Then she transferred behind a cart. She kept doing that until she was found.

Jay Sonza never had to look for a hiding place. He walked a couple of meters away from the base and just stood there.

Richard Gordon, who was too excited to play accused Manny Villar of trying to bribe him into quitting the game.

Manny Villar hid behind Gilbert Remulla, Adel Tamano, and Alan Peter Cayetano.

Jamby Madrigal hid behind parliamentary immunity.

And Noynoy Aquino hid behind his sisters’ skirts.

The game ended shortly before midnight but…

Jejomar Binay wanted to keep playing… for at least 24 years.

Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo suggested amendments to the rules so they could extend the game.

… the “it” failed to locate Panfilo Lacson

… and two former senators, Ernesto Maceda and John Osmeña still refused to come out.
“Do not repeat the tactics which have gained you one victory, but let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstances.”
~Sun Tzu

March 5th
On this date in…

1558: Francisco Fernandes introduces tobacco smoking in Europe. Coincidentally, Noynoy Aquino is present during the smoking demo.

1899: Gen. Pio del Pilar reports to Pres. Emilio Aguinaldo that revolutionary forces successfully captured American forces in Mandaluyong. Hours later, Mandaluyong is filled with huge tarpaulins that said, “Mabuhay ang mga rebolusyonaryong Pinoy! Isang pagbati mula kina Mayor Benjamin Abalos Jr. at Cong. Neptali Gonzales Jr.”

1934: The first Mother-in-law’s day is celebrated… prompting millions of sons-in-law all over the world to ask why.

1997: Representatives of North and South Korea meet for the first time after 25 years. As a sign of peace, both parties agreed to spend the next 24 hours watching ‘Boys Over Flowers.’

Have a safe weekend!


Noynoy in 2010
Sen. Noynoy Aquino says his sisters Pinky and Viel do not want him to run either for president or vice president in 2010. Noynoy clarifies though that neither Pinky nor Viel will decide for him. It will be Josh.

shalani Noynoy’s Girl
Sen. Noynoy Aquino has finally admitted that he has a girlfriend. For a change, the new girl is neither a newscaster nor a bold star.

Recto Resigns
Socioeconomic Planning Secretary Ralph Recto has resigned his post effective August 16. Batangueños are rejoicing. Finally, they can have their governor back.

ABS-CBN’s Profit
ABS-CBN reported a 12 percent growth in airtime revenues for the second quarter of 2009. With this positive development, Gabby Lopez has promised to hire better writers and researchers for the network’s documentary programs.

kobe-bryant_nba_la-lakers Postscript to Kobe’s Visit
According to recent gossip columns, when NBA superstar Kobe Bryant visited RP last month, he had dinner with starlet Michelle Madrigal in a posh restaurant in Makati City… to which Press Secretary Cerge Remonde said, “So?! It’s just a simple late-night dinner! Not a single centavo of taxpayers’ money was spent!”

Light Bites
Philippine Star columnist William Esposo emailed me this joke:

Ninoy Aquino: “The Filipino is worth dying for.”

Cory Aquino: “The Filipino is worth living for.”

Gloria Arroyo: “The Filipino is worth dining for.”

And if I may add more …

Sen. Mar Roxas: “The Filipino is worth biking for.”

Joseph Estrada: “The Filipino is worth drinking for.”

Sen. Manuel Villar: “The Filipino is worth inserting for.”

Sen. Mar Roxas 2: “The Filipino is worth cursing for.”

Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “The Filipino is worth killing for.”

Pampanga Gov. Ed Panlilio: “The Filipino is worth quarrying for.”

Lilia Pineda: “The Filipino is worth jueteng for.”

Sen. Jamby Madrigal: “The Filipino is worth… half of my inheritance.”

Sen. Lito Lapid: “The Filipino is worth… a thousand words.”

“Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.”
~George Bernard Shaw


nicole2 The day’s biggest news? Suzette Nicolas or “Nicole” is now saying she may have not been raped by Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. She has recunted.

In her sworn statement, Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole stated that she wasn’t sure if she was indeed raped by the American Marine. (Kami rin.)

Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony. And Mike Defensor has just appeared on TV saying, “Don’t look at me!”

I have yet to verify this but I just got word that Suzette Nicolas’ middle name is “Mahusay.” Pinsan daw niya si Udong.

dansmith So it all boils down to this. Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony against American marine Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. Smith has reportedly paid 50,000 pesos in exemplary damages and another 50,000 in moral damages. After the recantation though, the court might just reduce the amount paid for moral damages to 50 pesos.

In her sworn statement, Suzette Nicolas or Nicole recanted her testimony against American marine Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. But isn’t that what US President Barack Obama had promised? Change!

Sought for a comment, Nicole told the Professional Heckler, “Change? Yes, I can!”

Susan Nicolas, Nicole’s mother told the press that they have “suffered for so long,” they have “gotten so tired,” and despite joining a number of anti-US rallies, they still don’t know what the letters V, F, and A stand for.

dansmith2 In her sworn statement, Nicole stated that “I may have in fact been so friendly and intimate with Daniel Smith,” and that “we simply just got carried away.” In other words, before Smith went on top of her, they had a “visiting force agreement.”

As you all know, Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony against Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. Her mom says she has left for the US to be with her American boyfriend, a Marine soldier she met in Zamboanga City. Tomorrow, Mrs. Nicolas will release another statement expressing their support for the VFA.

nicole Have you read Nicole’s sworn statement? Before some people accuse me of picking on their school, it’s stated there guys. She’s Atenean!

Nope, there’s no truth to the rumor that the story of “Nicole” will be featured in “Maalaala Mo Kaya’s” special episode called… “Ang Birhen.”

ursua And finally, the economy is so bad… Attorney Evalyn Ursua has just lost her job!

Top 6 Messages Left on Suzette Nicolas’ a.k.a. Nicole’s Voice Mailbox

6: “Hello Suzette! Nanay mo ‘to! Ano ngang number ni Daniel? Nagtatanong ang ate mo!”

5: “Si Attorney ‘to! Naknamput… alam mo ba kung anong kahihiyan ang ginawa mo?”

4: “Danny here. I know you’ve missed me. Wanna visit me tonight?”

3: “Nanay mo ulit ito. May matanda bang kapatid ‘yang boyfriend mo d’yan? Pengeng number!”

2: “Hi Nicole. Sa Inquirer ‘to. Did you see your front page photo today? In fairness, kami lang ang naglakas-loob na iladlad ang pagmumukha mo. Kainis ka na kasi!”

And the No. 1 message left on Nicole’s voice mailbox…

1: “Hello? Shi Shuzette Nicolash ba ito? O iha, pashalamat ka kay Preshedente Obama ‘noh? At leassht, nasha Yu-Esh ka na. Ang shaya-shaya ‘di ba?”

This Just In!
Sketchy reports say former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye is calling for a press con to present the real Nicole. Apparently, there were two.

jalos In Other News…
Last Sunday, convicted murderer Rolito Go was allowed to leave the maximum security complex of the New Bilibid Prisons. That was less than a month after the release of Ninoy Aquino’s 10 killers. Today, reports say, convicted rapist and former Zamboanga del Norte congressman Romeo Jalosjos was ordered released from the National Bilibid Prisons by Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez. When they read the news, North Koreans, Burmese, Cubans, and Uzbeks became green with envy. The Philippines is a “free” country indeed!

pacquiao Serious Stuff: Money on Manny’s Mind
A reliable source told The Professional Heckler that Solar Sports will file a suit against Manny Pacquiao for breach of contract. This, after Pacquiao reportedly signed a deal with ABS-CBN despite his existing contract with Solar Sports. My source said, “Inilaglag ni Manny ang Solar at GMA 7.” A sports columnist has written earlier that Pacquiao chose the network because it offered him full media support to ensure victory in the next year’s congressional elections.” Sigh.

Survey Says…
What is the most “jologs” FM station?
Barangay LS: 50%
101.9 For Life: 30%
Love Radio: 9%
YES FM: 3%
Energy: 3%
Mellow Touch: 2%
Others: 3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

“A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity.”
~ Baltasar Gracia


laxon The World Bank Document
Sen. Panfilo Lacson claims to have read a World Bank report on blacklisted construction firms and some powerful personalities allegedly involved in rigged biddings. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she has also have received a copy of the World Bank document but maintains that no names were mentioned in the report. The existence of two copies has prompted the Senate to check on rumors they originated from the office of former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye.

mikea The First Gentleman
According to Sen. Panfilo Lacson, the World Bank Report has implicated the First Gentleman to collusion in rigged biddings. The president’s husband reportedly asked for 5 percent commission for every rigged bid. When the First Gentleman heard this, he said, “Ridiculous! I would never ever settle for anything less than 10 percent!”

The latest news is that senate committee on economic affairs chair Miriam Defensor-Santiago has summoned several persons implicated by Senator Lacson in the alleged collusion between construction firms blacklisted by the World Bank. They included First Gentleman Mike Arroyo, former congressmen Prospero Pichay and Jacinto Paras, Florante Soriquez, former secretary of the Department of Public Works and Highways; and Lope Adriano, Tito Miranda and Boy Belleza, project director, assistant director and alleged broker, respectively, of the DPWH. In short, senators, congressmen, DPWH officials & brokers, and the First Gentleman will be together in one room. Representatives of the Guinness World Records will also attend the hearing to authenticate this latest attempt from the Philippines to establish a new record for the biggest gathering of high-profile thieves ever.

First Gentleman Mike Arroyo’s lawyer Ruy Rondain says Mr. Arroyo’s probable appearance in the Senate probe would largely depend on the advice of his doctors. At press time, doctors are giving him a 5 percent chance.

Special Probe
Sen. Mar Roxas has proposed the appointment of a ‘special prosecutor’ to handle exclusively the investigation into Mr. Arroyo’s alleged involvement in irregularities in public works projects. Other senators turned down Roxas’ proposal because of cost implications. You know, in this country, prosecutors cost at least 800,000 pesos.

Senate committee on ethics chair Panfilo Lacson has implicated the late former senator Robert Barbers in the World Bank controversy. His sons, Robert Ace and Robert Dean called it “unethical.” Robert Dean added that his father was “full of integrity,” meaning… Robert Dean has not heard the complete “Hello Garci” tapes.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has invited the First Gentleman and former congressmen Prospero Pichay and Jacinto Paras to attend the senate hearing on the alleged collusion between construction firms blacklisted by the World Bank. When a foreign correspondent asked Santiago why she didn’t summon “a former senator named Robert Barbers,” Sen. Lito Lapid interrupted and said, “Tanga ka ba? It’s unethical!”

Ninoy’s Killers Freed
Two convicted killers of former senator Benigno “Ninoy’ Aquino Jr. were released Friday after they were deemed to have served out their sentence. Public Attorneys Office chief Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta is hopeful the 10 remaining convicted soldiers will be freed next. The Aquino family is now convinced Attorney Rueda-Acosta is indeed a closet Marcos loyalist.

What’s the difference between a freed Ninoy killer and Sen. Lito Lapid? The killer is able to complete a sentence.
“The more corrupt the state, the more laws.”
~ Publius Cornelius Tacitus