LIST UY!

napoles
1: Bargaining
2: Acceptance
3: Denial
4: Anger
5: Depression
These are the five stages of a lawmaker’s transactions with Janet Lim-Napoles

1: Bargaining
“Forty percent lang ba ang makukuha ko? Lugi naman yata ako d’yan!”

“Sige na nga… singkwenta na rin. Basta ‘wag n’yo lang sasabihin kay Senator *****! Forty-five lang ‘yong huling bigay ko sa kanya eh.”

2: Acceptance
“Jenny, nakuha ko na ‘yong 23M. Timbrehan kita kung kailan ang sunod na release. Sanga pala, sino ‘yong nag-cater sa ‘yo kagabi sa Heritage? Sarap ng lechon huh.”

3: Denial
“Hindi ko kilala si Janet Lim-Napoles. Ni singkong duling ay wala akong ibinigay sa NGOs niya. Kung meron man ay tiyak na pineke ang pirma ko; pineke ang mga dokumento! ”

4: Anger
“This is political harassment! Pinupulitika ako! Sobra-sobrang pang-aapi na ang ginagawa sa akin at sa aking pamilya. Mga walang puso!”

5: Depression
“Paano ‘pag nakulong ako?”

“Paano na ang plano ko sa 2016?”

“’Pakamatay na lang kaya ako?”

kris2
AT LEAST FOUR versions of the Napoles list have been made public. When sought for reaction, Janet Lim-Napoles said, “If you can’t beat them, confuse them.”

The controversial Napoles list (four versions of it) has been made public. Do you know what that means? Ping Lacson can go back now to doing his job.

At least four versions of the Napoles list have been released to the public. The lists are confusing. Tanda, Pogi and Sexy are high-five-ing.

Several versions of the so-called Napoles list have been made public. Benhur Luy’s files appeared to be the most comprehensive. Even the Black Nazarene was on the list.

A furious Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago attacked Panfilo Lacson for saying she was on the Napoles list. Getting personal, Santiago said Lacson was on the list of “closeted gays or bisexuals in public service.” To which Lacson, replied, “Excuse me, I’m not gay.”

Former senator Robert Barbers was also on the list. He’s still mum on the issue though. Deadma.

Kris
According to the Benhur Luy’s files, Jinggoy Estrada’s transactions with Napoles amounted to 1.6 billion pesos. The same list says then San Juan representative JV Ejercito also transacted with Napoles. The amount transacted was 5 million pesos. Jinggoy couldn’t stop laughing.

Former Pampanga representative and incumbent Energy Regulatory Commission Chair Zenaida Ducut has been consistently mentioned in pork scam-related documents, lists and testimonies. She allegedly pocketed millions in pesos in kickbacks from PDAF funds, and even acted as agent for Napoles. There’s a reason why there’s a ‘cut’ in Ducut.

Northern Samar Representative Emil Ong said congressmen should not be blamed if their pork barrel funds were misused. Lawmakers like Ong is one of the reasons why nature gave us the middle finger.

xfilesIn Other News
The world’s oldest sperm, dating back 17 million years, has been unearthed in Australia. I can’t believe it. I thought Enrile’s from Cagayan?

A leaked hotel elevator security video showed Beyonce’s sister Solange viciously attacking her brother-in-law Jay-Z. Solange has issued a statement denying she’s on a juice diet.

Solange Knowles, who’s also a singer, is reportedly planning to visit the Philippines soon. I hope she gets trapped in the Senate elevator.
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“I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you. I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!”
~ Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones: The Laws of Gods and Men

Sound Bites
“Nag-transact ako ng P5 million kay Napoles? Diyos ko naman. Hello?! Masyadong maliit.”
~JV Ejercito

Pork Scam Quiz
According to the Benhur files published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, who was the first senator to become a client of Janet Lim-Napoles?
A: Jinggoy Estrada
B: Lito Lapid
C: Bong Revilla
D: Juan Ponce Enrile
(Answer below)

Poll Results
Nagrereklamo si Jinggoy Estrada. Hindi raw dapat idamay sa lifestyle check ng Ombudsman ang kanyang pamilya. Ano’ng reaksyon mo?

-Kung wala siyang ginawang masama, wala siyang dapat ikatakot. Tama ang Ombudsman. 93.8%
-Tama si Jinggoy. Leave his family alone. 3.65%
-Political harassment! Inaapi ng gobyerno si Jinggoy. 2.55%

Answer to Pork Quiz: B: Lito Lapid

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Senate’s new seal via @JoeyJohn16, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Reuters]

EXCLUSIVE: THE LIST REVEALED!

ACCORDING TO rehabilitation czar Panfilo Lacson, making public the so-called Napoles list will destroy the Senate. Which begs the question, “What’s there to destroy?”

denieceAttachments
What exactly is on that controversial list? According to unimpeachable sources, the list – saved in a USB flash drive has clickable links to several classified but unverified documents including:

– Actresses, sexy stars, beauty queens, and models who slept with Bong Revilla in the last 12 months

– Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s psychiatric evaluation report

– Bank accounts of JV Ejercito in the Carribean

– Cynthia Villar’s Botox procedure receipts that were allegedly charged to her office

– Records of Ralph Recto’s visits to a private night club in Quezon City

– 20 secret side accounts used by the staff of Alan Peter and Pia Cayetano to troll Vice President Binay and son, Junjun on Twitter

– Jinggoy Estrada’s confession letter to Erap (as regards what, nobody knows for sure)

– Transcript of sext messages between Juan Ponce Enrile and Gigi Reyes

– Minutes of several meetings between Gringo Honasan and retired Marine major Jaime Napoles

– Photos of Grace Poe and Bongbong Marcos together in a children’s party when they were toddlers. The caption reads: “They’re the cutest siblings I know. Proud Dad here. – Ferdie”

– Lito Lapid’s letter to the Senate president requesting that he be allowed to sleep during sessions citing his acute insomnia

– A loyal ABS-CBN supporter, Sergio Osmeña III’s subscription contract to PBB ALL IN 24/7

– Overseas itinerary of Antonio Trillanes’s staff while their boss was still in prison resulting in huge travel expenses

– Frank Drilon’s FDA-disapproved diet program

– A copy of Tito Sotto’s yet to be delivered (privilege) speech titled: “Ako, ang RH Law, at ang Panggagahasa Kay Pepsi Paloma – Diumano: My Version of Truth”

– Jewel May Lobaton’s tell-all affidavit in which she bared the shocking reason why she left Koko Pimentel; an allegation that could destroy the political career of the senator

– Contracts between Janet Lim-Napoles and her caterer-friends for the wedding of Bam Aquino and wife, Timi in 2012, and the christening of Chiz Escudero’s twins in 2008.

– Transcript of TG Guingona’s alleged one-on-one interview with Ruby Tuason the night before she appeared before the Senate blue ribbon committee

– Love letters between a former lawmaker and Loren Legarda

– Nancy Binay’s final OJT grade: Singko, which was changed to 3.0 after her father intervened

And lastly…
– An NSO-authenticated birth certificate of Sonny Angara; the document identified his “birth mother” as Loren Legarda.

KrisJinggoy
The Office of the Ombudsman is reportedly conducting a lifestyle check on Jinggoy Estrada. Already indicted for plunder, Jinggoy described the lifestyle check as “political harassment.” In layman’s terms, ‘karma.’

Jinggoy says he and his wife will be celebrating their silver anniversary on June 28. He described it as “a milestone.” Well, it is! Not everyone is given the chance to celebrate their anniversary in prison.

KrisBong
A defiant Bong Revilla recently dared Malacañang, “Ikulong na nila ako. Ngayon na! Hinahamon ko sila, ngayon na. Dahil pagod na ako. Masyadong mahaba na ang sakripisyo ng pamilya ko.” The impassioned statement received a salute from his family and an automatic nomination from PMPC.

Bong Revilla dared Malacañang to jail him now ‘coz he’s already tired. Here’s a tip: resign.

Revilla also accused Malacañang of ‘hostaging’ the Senate and the House of Representatives saying, “Kung anuman ang gusto nilang ipasunod, susunod lahat. Ano pa’ng magagawang matinong trabaho namin dito sa Kongreso?” And even Congress was like, “Trabaho? As if!”

KrisTechnology
Sony has invented a 185-terabyte cassette tape that could store 47 million songs. That’s the good news. The bad news is it will take you 47 years to rewind.

Sony has re-invented a cassette tape that will allow users to store 47 million songs. In response, today’s youth said, “What’s a cassette tape?”

KrisThe Barrettos
In a TV interview, actress Claudine Barretto, who’s at odds with her sisters, lambasted Gretchen Barretto and called her “heartless.” Addressing her ate, Claudine said, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Inside, Gretchen was very angry. Outside, it’s hard to tell.

An incensed Claudine Barretto told Gretchen, “You say you’re happy? I don’t see that. With your face all botoxed and all, I don’t see that.” Sources say Gretchen monitored the full interview. In fact, while watching the 10-minute exclusive, she didn’t blink.

Viewers have had enough of the Barretto sisters’ public catfight. They advised them to just move on. To which, Gretchen’s face replied, “Good luck to me!”
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“The problem with politics isn’t the money; it’s the power.”
~ Harry Browne

Sound Bites
“Sa pananaw ko meron itong national security kasi baka magiba ang Senado kapag nalabas ito sa publiko.”
~Panfilo Lacson on the so-called Napoles list

“Nagalit na naman ang aking kapatid. Sabi n’ya, nagpapapogi lang ako at his expense. I’ll have to be honest. Jinggoy and I are not close. He’s always furious with me.”
~JV Ejercito

UntitledDefinition
Lifestyle check is an investigation strategy developed by anti-corruption agencies in the Philippines to determine the existence of ill-gotten and unexplained wealth of officials and employees of the government. (Source)

Poll Results
Isyu ang bawat sabihin at gawin ni Kris Aquino. Maraming natutuwa, maraming naiirita. Sinong dapat sisihin?

-Pareho: Kris and media. 39.05%
-Hindi ko na lang pinapansin si Kris at ang mga balita tungkol sa kanya. Deadma. 29.88%
-Ang media. Bawat galaw kasi ibinabalita. 18.93%
-Si Kris mismo. Sumusobra na. Me, me, me and me. And more me. 12.13%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos courtesy of the Philippine Senate, Kicker Daily, Inquirer.Com, Rappler, Twicsys.Com, ABS-CBN News.Com, HarvardPolitics.com]