BUSES AND TRAINS

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ABS-CBN NEWS spotted Jinggoy Estrada in California walking with the aid of a cane. Viewers were stunned. They did not anticipate a rehearsal this early.

Jinggoy Estrada said he would not resign because he was elected by 18 million Filipinos. At press time though, those 18 million still won’t give a reaction, and asked for prayers and forgiveness instead.

Malling
Police captured a crocodile wandering outside a mall in California. California Fish and Wildlife officials have yet to confirm rumors that the crocodile is Filipino.

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The Kim and Anne
Reports say Anne Curtis went to the office of BIR Commissioner Kim Henares Thursday night. Everyone was surprised to see the controversial actress. In fact, a starstruck security guard asked, “Why are you here? Who invited you? You are too classy to be here.”

Anne Curtis was at the BIR office last Thursday. Commissioner Kim Henares refuses to confirm rumors Anne is facing tax evasion charges. But close friends of the TV host have denied it, saying Anne went to the BIR to buy the agency.

Dyesebel star Anne Curtis visited the BIR office last Thursday evening. Something’s fishy.

88
Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner just turned 88. Asked for advice on how to achieve a long life, Hefner answered, “Avoid pork.” To which Senator Enrile said, “Hindi rin.”

0Options
Amid system malfunctions and very long lines in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma advised MRT passengers to try other options like taking a bus ride on Edsa. In response, MRT passengers advised Coloma to try other options like, ‘Thinking before talking.’

Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma says disgruntled MRT riders should try other modes of transport like buses since “hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.” This begs the question, “Where have you been?”

To avoid long queues in the MRT, palace spokesperson Sonny Coloma told MRT riders to ride a bus on Edsa instead. Even the reviled Edwin Lacierda was like, “I won’t even dare suggest that!”

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Top 5 New Valuable Suggestions From Palace Spokesman Sonny Coloma

No. 5: Kung wala nang mabili ang kakarampot mong suweldo sa palengke, mag-grocery ka na lang sa Rustan’s.

No. 4: Kung hindi mo na ma-take ang lenggwahe ni Arnold Clavio, manood ka na lang ng T3 ng Tulfo Brothers.

No. 3: Kung Comm Arts major ka at hirap na hirap kang ipasa ang Math 1 at NatSci 1, mag-shift ka na lang sa Metallurgical Engineering o Molecular Biology and Biotechnology.

No. 2: Kung mahal na mahal mo ang iyong officemate pero marami namang nanliligaw sa kanya, ligawan mo na lang si Anne Curtis.

And the No. 1 new valuable suggestion from palace spokesman Sonny Coloma…

Kung hindi pa rin nababawasan ang iyong timbang sa kabila ng pagda-diet at exercise, ipagpasa-Diyos mo na lang!

Dared
A group of train commuters challenged President Aquino and his cabinet: “Commute daily! Try n’yo lang!” The President and his Cabinet replied, “Ahm, choppy kayo, choppy! Konting ikot, wala kaming marinig.”

Rated SPG
From 74 percent, President Aquino’s trust rating has dropped to 69. If it’s any consolation, that’s the closest he can get to having raunchy sex.

Worship
At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.
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“If only this great concern we have for our own sensitive feelings expanded to encompass the feelings of our fellow men.”
~ Richelle E. Goodrich

Sound Bites
“’Yong MRT lang ba ang puwedeng sakyan doon sa mga rutang dinadaanan nito? Baka naman puwedeng matuklasan ‘yong iba pang mga options. Hindi naman siksikan ‘yong mga bus na ‘yon.”
~Palace spokesman Sonny Coloma

Tale of the Tape
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Have a great weekend! Good luck Pacman!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to ABS-CBN News, The Manila Bulletin, Solar News.Ph, Agence France Presse]

OF ROBBERS AND LOVERS

1MRT
MALACAÑANG has apologized to suffering MRT commuters for the long lines. Yes, for some time now, lines have been really long at the MRT. The only thing longer was the time it took Malacañang to make that apology.

Traffic
The Department of Public Works and Highways has scheduled re-blockings on parts of Edsa. Expect monstrous traffic jams and do not lose your cool. To be fair to the government, it only promised ‘tuwid na daan,’ not ‘maluwag na daan.’

Innocent
Amid calls for indicted senators to take a vacation, Jinggoy Estrada said there was no reason for him to take a leave of absence because, “I’m innocent of the charges,” and “My conscience is clear.” In the interest of fairness, we will try to get the side of his conscience.

1gClinton and Pacman
Former US President Bill Clinton who met Manny Pacquiao on the set of ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ was all praises for Pacman. Clinton says Congressman Pacquiao is a “great role model” in the Philippines because he is honest. And because Pacquiao is honest, Clinton can’t believe he’s a congressman.

Arroyo’s Birthday
Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo turned 67 last April 5. Malacañang wished Mrs. Arroyo “happiness.” The ‘wish’ was relayed to her in advance – last April 1.

1afuangAfuang
Former Pagsanjan, Laguna Mayor Abner Afuang was photographed burning a Chinese flag to denounce China’s “bullying” of Filipinos on Ayungin Shoal. Since the ’90s, Afuang has been burning flags to denounce perceived abuses. When are we going to see him burn pork barrel thieves?

Grand Lotto
The Grand Lotto jackpot is expected to hit more than 260 million pesos this week. Again, that’s more than 260 million pesos! This is your chance to get very rich without a sweat. Option 2: Become a senator.

Martilyo Gang
Suspected members of ‘Martilyo Gang’ attacked yet another branch of SM Malls recently. This time, the suspects tried to rob a jewelry store at SM Mall of Asia. But the team of police deployed at SM MOA was quick to respond, and the thieves were arrested. Which begs the question, why don’t we send the same team of police to the Senate or Congress!

NPA Strikes
Members of the leftist New People’s Army attacked a Chinese mining firm in Agusan Del Norte, torching heavy equipment and seizing six shotguns from the guards. Even China was like, “With ‘friends’ like that, who needs enemies?”

1jHerbert and Kris
Kris Aquino posted a family dinner photo on Instagram Saturday night. Her rumored suitor, Quezon City Mayor Herbert Bautista was with them. Sources say Kris finds Herbert a reliable potential boyfriend. And Herbert finds Kris a reliable potential endorser. (UPDATE: On Monday night, Kris Aquino admitted that she and Bistek were dating.]

Two Decades
Internet in the Philippines turned 20 last week. It’s been 20 years since you first flirted online, and still, no luck. Try harder.

Anne’s BF
Anne Curtis’s boyfriend, Erwan Heussaff lashed back at netizens who have been posting “jellyfish jokes.” Erwan called them “idiots” and “judgmental asses.” What a supportive bf! Anne must be so proud of him. Let’s drink to that!
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“In the absence of justice, what is sovereignty but organized robbery?”
~Saint Augustine

Sound Bites
“And if the lines are long, we sincerely apologize to our fellow citizens about this difficulty. We are in the process now of acquiring the coaches.”
~Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda to MRT riders

“Bakit ako magli-leave of absence? Malinis ang aking konsensya. Wala akong kasalanan. Wala akong ninakaw sa taumbayan.”
~Jinggoy Estrada

Cringe-Worthy
This has been circulating online. Watch at your own risk. (You’ve been warned!)

Poll Results
Matapos irekumenda ng Ombudsman na sila ay kasuhan, dapat na bang magbitiw sa kanilang puwesto sina Enrile, Revilla at Estrada?
Dapat lang. Mahiya naman sila. 90.85%
Kapag inaresto na lang. 4.93%
Hindi! Hindi pa naman sila convicted. 4%

Have a fun and safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Thanks to the Manila Bulletin; Yahoo! Sports, Lito Diaz/ABS-CBNNews.Com and Kris Aquino/IG]