FLIPTOP WAR: POLITICS EDITION

WHILE WE WAIT for further developments in the ongoing saga that is the Arroyos v Leila De Lima (v Korte Suprema), why don’t we cool things down a bit with this fliptop rap battle? Enjoy!

Match No. 1: Atty. Edwin Lacierda vs. Atty. Ferdie Topacio

Attorney Lacierda:
I heard na feeling mo raw ay isa kang winner
Matapos na mag-trend itlog mo sa Twitter
I won’t even dare or attempt to imagine
Maitim mong bola solong naglalambitin!
Eeew…

Attorney Topacio:
Kung maka-eeew ka naman, para kang bakla eh
Mas madaldal ka pa kesa kay Abi Valte
Katahimikan, katahimikan, kung ayaw mong mabugbog
Insecure ka siguro sa famous kong betlog!

Attorney Lacierda:
Outrageous! Distasteful! Para ka namang gutom
Seryosong usapan, sahugan ba ng scrotum?!?
Malinaw ang aming stand, ‘di kami papayag
Ma-cite man ng contempt; ‘paputol ka man ng bayag!

Attorney Topacio:
As I’ve said…
Ang “itlog quote” na ‘yon ay isang figure of speech
Huwag mo nang palakihin, you son of a bitch
Ang mahalaga’y wagi kami sa ruling ng hukuman
Masanay na lang kayo, talunang Malacañang!
Break it down.

Intermission:
What’s “itlog” mama? Meron ba ako no’n?
What did you say Bimby? Sa’n mo narinig ‘yon?
I heard it on TV mama! Is itlog masarap?
Stop it Bimby! And don’t watch TV when I’m not here!
Good night Mama.
Good night Bimby.

Match No. 2: Justice Sec. Leila De Lima vs. Mrs. Elena Bautista-Horn

Secretary De Lima:
Sinong mas powerful?? Sure akong alam mo na
Isang tawag ko nga lang, biyahe’y napurnada
Sumisikat ka na, tama na ‘yang papansin
Baka naman gusto mong tumakbo sa 2013?

Elena Bautista-Horn:
Look who’s talking…
‘Di ba’t ikaw ang gustong maging senadora?
Kakaupo mo pa nga lang, pumupostura ka na
Powerful?!? Teka lang, baka ’power tripping’
And lest you forget madam, you lost in the voting
It’s 8-5 darling!

Secretary De Lima:
Grabe ang loyalty mo, kakaiba ka nga Len
Wait lang dear, ‘yang suweldo mo, saan kaya galing?
And please, ‘wag mong ipagmalaki ang boto ng SC
I’m ready for more rumble, this war could get ugly!

Elena Bautista-Horn:
Nakakatawa…
Puro dakdak, puro banta, inaaliw n’yo ang tao
Wala pa ngang napa-file kahit isa man lang kaso
Don’t threaten us, or the SC of a looming brawl
Makulay ka lang magsalita, kasingkulay ng iyong shawl!
Break it down.

Intermission:
What’s ‘brawl’ mama? I heard it in the news today.
That’s bad Bimby. It’s when two people make away.
Oh, it’s like you and papa when you’re pasaway?
Gosh, who told you that?
Nobody mama. I saw you when you brawled before.
Whaaat? Not true! Good night na nga Bimby.
Good night mama.

Match No. 3: Mr. President vs. Self

Self:
Uy! And’yan ka pa pala, hindi ko maramdaman
Guerra na sa NAIA; ikaw, parang wala lang
Ano bang bago sa ‘tin, would you like to share
I’m just concerned dude; be thankful I still care.

Mr. President:
‘Di ko yata gusto ang iyong mga hirit
Para kang Supreme Court na nakakagalit
FYI: De Lima is my alter ego
Whatever I say, believe me, she’ll follow!

Self:
Wow, accomplishment! Papalakpak na ba ‘ko?
Eh ‘yong 10.4 milyong nagugutom na tao?

Mr. President:
Dinky’s in charge. ‘Wag kang mag-alala.
Nahahalata ko lang, antagonistic ka.

Self:
Nagsasabi lang nang totoo, antagonistic na agad ako?
‘Di ba pwedeng “honest” muna sa nakikita sa ‘yo?
Oh by the way, miss ko na ang mga chicks natin.
Wala pa bang bago? Masyado ka nang malihim.

Mr. President:
My priority is my job, ‘wag ka ngang makialam
Kung gusto mong ma-inlove, labas na ako d’yan!

Self:
Nagbibiro lang ako ‘tol; ba’t ba ang sungit mo?
‘La naman akong neck brace ah, and I’m not an Arroyo!

Mr. President:
Ang kulit mo kasi, para kang si Bimby!
I’ll deal with you na lang when I get back from Bali.

Self:
In fairness… buma-Bali na si Noynoy
Baka naman dala mo pa ang ‘yong favorite toy!

Mr. President:
Ulol! Tigilan mo na ‘yang PSP issue na ‘yan.
That is so history… panahon pa ng halalan.

Self:
Last question na lang bago ka tumalikod
Kapag si GMA bumalik, magpapaputol ka ba ng itlog?

Mr. President:
Ha-ha-ha! Talagang napatawa mo ako ngayon!
Bakit? Kamukha ko ba si Topacio na hawig kay Doraemon?

Self:
Kung makapanlait ka naman, feeling mo ikaw si Gerald Anderson
Alam mo kung sinong kamukha natin? Sino pa? Eh ‘di si Homer Simpson!

Mr. President:
Ulol!

Self:
Break it down.
———————————————————————————————————
“This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice.”
~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Quote of the Day
“Kaibigan ko si Secretary De Lima. But in her zeal to carry out instructions of her superior, I think she may have overstepped the bounds of our system. I feel grief stricken. I feel like slashing my wrist. I feel like slitting my throat. That is what we were taught in law school. We simply have to obey the law no matter how we feel about it. In our tripartite system of democracy, whatever the Supreme Court says prevails. Last night I wanted to commit suicide. You asked whether she is guilty of contempt, yes, absolutely.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

Enjoy the rest of the week. Peace and justice to all. Merry Christmas!

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EXCOMMUNICATION

BREAKING NEWS: Malacañang has denied rumors that President Aquino has abandoned Roman Catholicism for another religion. Likewise, palace sources insist there’s no truth to rumors that the President is forming his own ministry called, “Ang Tuwid na Daan.”


The CBCP’s Threat
Interviewed on Radio Veritas, CBCP president and Tandag, Surigao del Sur Bishop Nereo Odchimar said the Catholic Church might excommunicate President Aquino if the government pushed through with a plan to distribute contraceptives. In the same interview, Bishop Odchimar appealed to Andres Bonifacio and the Katipuneros to surrender to the Spanish government.

The CBCP’s Threat II
Malacañang is reportedly unfazed by CBCP president Nereo Odchimar’s excommunication threat. Palace insiders say President Aquino will neither bow to nor be cowed by the CBCP president… unless he’s Chinese.

This just in!
CBCP president Bishop Nereo Odchimar has denied saying that President Aquino may be excommunicated. He insisted that his statement was “taken out of context” and “blown out of proportion” by the media. “Taken out of context” and “Blown out of proportion” – Hmm, is Odchimar a member of the CBCP or the Presidential Communications Group?


Heckling Tour Guide
Social activist/Manila tour guide and Reproductive Health Bill advocate Carlos Celdran was arrested and detained Thursday for disrupting a mass at the Manila Cathedral. Dressed in a Jose Rizal-inspired outfit, Celdran stood in front of the altar, flashed a sign that read, “Damaso,” and shouted, “Stop getting involved in politics” in protest of the Church’ anti-RH Bill stance. Celdran was detained for almost 24 at the Manila Police District Station 5 in Ermita during which he started to write two novels.

Reports say Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim together with some soldiers, and policemen were attending mass at the Manila Cathedral when Carlos Celdran staged a solo protest action Thursday. Interviewed by GMA News, the police said it was Mayor Lim who ordered that Celdran be taken into custody. Lim is expected to deny that.

Manila tour guide Carlos Celdran was detained for disrupting a mass at the Manila Cathedral Thursday. The visibly upset priest decided to cut short the mass… and ordered Basilio and Crispin to usher Celdran out of the cathedral.

Light Bites: Modern Dictionary
Ex.Communication, noun: Term that may be used to describe Secretaries Herminio Coloma, Ricky Carandang and Atty. Edwin Lacierda if they don’t get their act together
Example: Uy, ex.communication group head na pala si blah-blah! Kailan pa?

The IIRC Report: Reviewed
Malacañang says Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa and Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Eduardo de Mesa have finished reviewing the IIRC report on the August 23 hostage crisis. Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda says the results of the review will be posted at http://www.gov.ph. It will be uploaded five hours after it appears on www.gov.cn.

Miriam vs. Chavit
There’s an ongoing war between Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Ilocos Sur Governor Luis “Chavit’ Singson. The rift surprises a number of people mainly because neither Miriam nor Chavit belongs to either the Balay or the Samar Group.


On her Twitter account, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago called Ilocos Sur Governor Luis Singson, “Sabit Singson.” Singson retaliated by calling Santiago, “Brenda” on his Friendster shoutout.

Splitsville?
Persistent rumors say President Aquino and his girlfriend have called it quits. Observers believe the President would have not quit on the girl if her name was “Smoking.”

President Aquino and his girlfriend reportedly broke up. And Enrico Puno was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Rumors say the President and his girlfriend have separated. And Kris Aquino was like, “Win na Win!”

No to Smoking
Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad has endorsed the Philippine Medical Association’s new smoking ban policy. And people were like, “Ahh, break na nga!”

In Entertainment
An amended petition filed by the lawyers of Kris Aquino claims the TV host and James Yap both have “personality disorders” since their youth. And I was like, is that even news?
———————————-
“That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion”

~ REM, Losing My Religion

Survey Says
Sa isyu ng impeachment case laban kay Ombudsman Gutierrez, ano ang dapat gawin ng Kongreso:
– ITULOY ang pagdinig kahit labag sa order ng Supreme Court! 40.7%
– SUNDIN ang status quo ante order ng Korte para walang gulo. 47.98%
– Hindi ko alam ang isyu. 11.32%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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KRIS AQUINO’S SONA

Miriam Sues
Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago has filed a P1.6-million damage suit against American Airlines for a delayed flight to Los Angeles two years ago during which she fell sick. American Airlines has issued a statement expressing shock at Santiago’s delayed reaction.

Too Late
Almost a month after CIBAC party list representative Joel Villanueva’s term ended, the Supreme Court ruled that he was not eligible for a House seat because he was over the age limit for a youth sector representative. In case you’re wondering what the acronym CIBAC stands for, it means Congressman Ineligible But Allotted CDF.

Former CIBAC party list representative Joel Villanueva, a son of evangelist and defeated presidential candidate Eddie Villanueva has been appointed director-general of the Technical Education and Skills Development Authority or TESDA. His appointment came as a bit of a surprise mainly because his father has yet to concede defeat to Noynoy.

Charge GMA
A survey conducted by the Makati-based StratPOLLS showed that 7 out of 10 Filipinos in Metro Manila wanted former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo to be charged in court. Yup, 7 out of 10. The other three were Mikey, Dato, and Luli.

Preparing for SONA
President Aquino has started preparing for his first ever State of the Nation Address on July 26. In fact, this coming week he’ll be meeting with his cabinet members, speechwriters, and Paul Cabral.

Preparing for SONA II
The Philippine National Police has conducted a drill in preparation for President Aquino’s SONA next week. The cops were given instructions on how to provide security for special guests; how to handle militant protesters, and how to prevent a clash between Team Lacierda and Team Juana Change.

Kris to Miss Noy’s SONA
Currently vacationing in the US with her kids, Kris Aquino won’t be present when her Kuya Noy delivers his first State of the Nation Address on July 26. However, she promises to show up on ‘The Buzz’ come August 1 to deliver her “State of My Marriage Address.”

Top 12 Things Kris Aquino Would (Not) Say In Her SONA If She Were President

No. 12: “To my ABS-CBN family, Mr. Gabby Lopez, Ma’am Charo, Tita Cory Vidanes, Tita Malou Santos, Ms. Mariole Alberto, Deo Endrinal, Linggit Tan, and of course, my ‘Buzz’ and ‘SNN’ pals Boy Abunda, Ian Reyno and everyone na nandito ngayon sa Batasan, I wouldn’t be standing here if not for your full support. Thank you so much. Promise, babalik ako. Soon! (Gallery shouts: We love you Kris!!!) Wow, pati pala talents ng Star Magic andito lahat, Mr. M, thank you very much. Wait, is that Ai-ai in yellow? I love you friendsheeeeeep!”

No. 11: “With finality I can say, ako, sumuko na. Officially, mula po bukas ang buong bansa ay wala nang First Gentleman.”

No. 10: “Bago po ako humarap sa inyong lahat ngayong hapon, kinunsulta ko po muna sina Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, Kuya Noy, and Viel.”

No. 9: “Financially, aaminin ko po, malaki ang budget deficit natin. Pero willing po akong idonate sa kaban ng bayan ang kikitain ko sa susunod kong tatlong commercials.”

No. 8: “Today, I formally declare my support for sex education and the Reproductive Health Bill. Kung may sex education po noong time na estudyante pa ako, former Parañaque City Mayor Joey Marquez would have not infected me with STD, at malamang, hindi po ganito ang estado ng aking married life ngayon.”

No. 7: “Mula nang ako ay maupong presidente, wala pong hinto ang batikos sa akin at sa aming angkan. Sige na ho, gamitin n’yo ko talaga kung gusto niyong sirain ang aming pamilya. Kung ako na lang ang kasiraan ng Aquino at Cojuangco clan, sige gamitin n’yo po ako. Pero pwede ko pong ipagmalaki, mabuti ang pamilya namin. Nagmamahalan po ang pamilya namin. At minamahal po namin ang bayan natin kaya po lahat ng ito pinagdadaanan namin.”

No. 6: “Ipinapangako ko pong magiging pantay ako sa pagpili ng National Artists unlike my predecessor. Kaya’t upang walang masaktan at walang inggitan, sige… sabay-sabay na lang sila. Congratulations to Paul Cabral, JC Buendia, and Randy Ortiz, our National Artists for Fashion! Good work girls!”

No. 5: “Last night, nakausap po namin ni Boy si Mr. Manny Pangilinan. (Hi MVP, I know you’re watching!) At bilang pagpapahalaga sa aming pagkakaibigan, pumayag po siyang ibaba ng Meralco ang singil sa kuryente! And not only that! For the next six months, unlimited po ang text ng Smart sa lahat ng networks! Simply amazing talaga! Grabeh! Pero ‘wag pong malungkot ang Globe subscribers! Kahapon, I had dinner with Mr. Jaime Zobel De Ayala and his wife Lizzie. JAZA told me na may unlimited calls promo ang Globe to all networks for three months! Promise! Sa mga Sun Cellular subscribers, give me until tomorrow. Kakausapin ko pa ‘yung tatay ng ahas sa Galleria. Just kidding! Hi Lance! Hi Robina! Love love tayo huh!”

No. 4: “Sa mga lugar sa malalayong probinsya na walang libreng medical care, walang libreng school supplies, walang libreng sine, walang birthday gift, at kung anu-ano pang perks and freebies, huwag kayong mag-alala, lahat ng ‘yan ay tutuparin ni Tito Jojo Binay… sa 2016. Konting tiyaga. Six years na lang.”

No. 3: “Sinusuportahan ko po ang sinimulang training ni Pangulong Arroyo sa mga supermaids na ipapadala sa ibang bansa. At upang matiyak na masipag, may takot, at marunong sumunod sa utos ang mga maids, itatalaga ko po bilang direktor ng itatatag na ‘Supermaid Skills Training Administration’ ang aking friend, si Korina Sanchez. Love you Ate Koring. Peace! Sorry Pareng Bong but your sister Princess was overqualified.”

No. 2: “I am not perfect, and I will never be perfect. But I’m not a liar at hindi po ako masamang tao. Gusto ko gano’n din ang mga senador at kongresista. Kaya’t bago ko irelease ang Countrywide Development Fund at Internal Revenue Allotment, gusto kong malaman kung saan n’yo ito gagamitin. At para matiyak na nagsasabi kayo ng totoo, you’ll have to undergo a lie detector test. Bestfriend Sweet, John Lapus, I need your help on this one. Kaya sa inyong lahat na nandito ngayon sa Batasan… ‘Don’t Lie To Me.’ Aha-ha-ha! Gosh, this is fun!”

And the No. 1 thing Kris Aquino would (not) say in her SONA if she were president…

“Nag-promise po ako kay Noy na ‘di na ko masyadong magsasalita pero since this is my SONA, I can say whatever I want. ‘Tsaka ‘di ba I told you before na I may be anything but I’m not a liar? So, ladies and gentlemen, narito po ang listahan ng mga magnanakaw sa aking administrasyon. This is in random order. Let’s start with the Department of…”

In Other News…
Organizations allied with the ‘Reaffirmist’ group of CPP-NPA Founder Jose Ma. Sison have expressed strong opposition to the appointment of known ‘Rejectionist’ and former Akbayan Representative Loretta Ann Rosales as chair of the Commission on Human Rights. In totally unrelated news, mathematicians discovered that a triangle has three sides.

Secretary Abad
Today, July 18, the Philippine Star published a story on Florencio ‘Butch’ Abad. Yup, the government has found a new budget secretary. The only thing missing now is the budget.

Am-boat sa Imo!
A boat carrying ABS-CBN reporter Niko Baua and GMA-7 reporter Emil Sumangil, and their respective crews capsized off the shoreline of Limay town in Bataan – the site of a reported oil spill Saturday morning. Rumors say the vessel lost its stability when the reporters fought as to which TV network was better. As the boat capsized, the argument continued with Baua shouting, “Naglilingkod sa inyo saan man sa mundoooo!” and Sumangil yelling, “Ito ang serbisyong totoooooooo!”
———————–
“One must be frank to be relevant.”
~Corazon Aquino

Survey Says
Dapat bang sisihin ang PAGASA sa pagkabigla ng mga taga-Metro Manila kay “Basyang?”
-OO! Mali ang forecast! 48%
-HINDI. ‘Di naman sila perpekto! 44%
-Bagyo? Mahimbing ang tulog ko. 8%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe week ahead!

CHRISTMAS AND POLITICS, TOO

FIRST, some bad news. Mayon Volcano has erupted. The explosion has endangered the lives of Albay residents… prompting President Arroyo to declare martial law in the province.

AGAIN, I would like to apologize for this delayed post. I promise to have regular updates after Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, a number of political personalities emailed me and asked why their own re-creations/re-enactments of the Nativity Scene were not mentioned in the previous post. I told them I was running out of time when I uploaded that particular post last Sunday. Nonetheless, I promised to feature their own Yuletide anecdotes in the succeeding posts.

It’s the holiday season. It’s Christmas! The signs are all over: people flocking to Divisoria; Communist rebels declaring a truce with the government, and Satur Ocampo shaking hands with Bongbong Marcos!

Did you hear what happened when the First Gentleman dressed up like Santa at the palace? When he started talking, his grandchildren said, “You’re not Santa! You’re Santo Niño!”

A Yuletide trivia about the Defensor-Santiagos. Since 1992, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago and her husband have refused to display Christmas trees in their house. Asked why, the couple replied, “Ganun katindi ang galit namin sa mga puno.”

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is perhaps the most consistent local executive when it comes to playing Santa to his constituents. He’s been doing that for 23 consecutive years!

Instead of designating someone to buy stuff for him, Sen. Manny Villar himself did the shopping this year. The most expensive item he bought was Loren Legarda.

Atty. Gilbert Teodoro had a difficult time shopping. So he just let Ronaldo Puno do the work for him.

Something bad happened to the Nativity Scene created by Sen. Panfilo Lacson. The three kings who were traveling at night were mistaken for robbers and were ‘neutralized.’ Lacson accused Erap of masterminding it.

The Liberal Party’s re-enactment of the Nativity Scene was one of the most controversial. Serge Osmeña backed out from playing Jesus when he learned that Ralph and Vilma would play Joseph and Mary.

In Pampanga, the re-enactment of the Nativity Scene at the capitol was ordered stopped by Governor Ed Panlilio. The priest-on-leave canceled the event when Mr. and Mrs. Bong and Lilia Pineda insisted on playing the role of the infant Jesus’ “godparents.”

In fairness to Lakas-Kampi-CMD, they did try to re-enact the Nativity Scene. They just couldn’t really complete the cast.

The Roxas-Araneta family had a lavish Christmas party in which the Nativity Scene was reenacted. As expected, Mar Roxas played Joseph. Korina Sanchez was infant Jesus’ stepmother.

Former senator Jovito Salonga’s favorite Christmas carol is “The Christmas Song.” He particularly likes the line that goes, “And so I’m offering this simple phrase/ To kids from 1 to 92…”

Sen. Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. also loves “The Christmas Song.” He gets horny when he hears the line, “Chest nuts roasting on an open fire…”

Senatorial aspirant and retired Army Major Gen. Jovito Palparan doesn’t like people in Santa outfit. He refused to elaborate but said, “I just hate Reds.”

Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros is giving away Transformers toys this year. He purchased both sets of Autobots and Decepticons… because he believes in toys that depict the battle between good and evil.

Rumors say Korina was a no-show at the Christmas party of ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs… making it the group’s most enjoyable gathering in recent years.

The Kapuso Network’s party for the press was well thought of. However, network bosses were reportedly alarmed when ABS-CBN’s press party got a higher rating from the attendees!

In terms of variety though, ABC 5’s Yuletide parties top them all. Every year, they celebrate the Holidays with new owners, new bosses, and new officemates.

Finally, for the first time in history, the Philippine Daily Inquirer and the Philippine Star had a joint Christmas party. Thanks to their joint sponsor, Noynoy Aquino.
______
“If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.”
~Charles Schulz

Light Bites
Q: In Maguindanao, an unidentified person donned a Santa costume. He was really unrecognizable. But when he spoke three words, the kids around him yelled, “Andal Ampatuan Jr!” What three words did he utter?
A: Backhoe! Ho! Ho!

Survey Says…
After watching them in a couple of presidential fora, who do you think deserves your vote in 2010?
NOYNOY AQUINO 25%
JC DE LOS REYES 1%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 1%
DICK GORDON 26%
JAMBY MADRIGAL <1%
GILBERT TEODORO 36%
EDDIE VILLANUEVA 5%
MANNY VILLAR 6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
I’d like to thank Senator Chiz Escudero for the Holiday txt greets. Chiz’ thoughtfulness never fails to amaze me – despite the heckling.

And to everyone who made this year a remarkable and memorable one for The Professional Heckler, Merry Christmas!

To borrow Pacquiao’s line: Maraming salamat sa inyung supurta!

Have a safe vacation!

SEASON’S GREETINGS

villarlren Villar’s VP?
Without naming names, senatorial aspirant Adel Tamano of the Nacionalista Party says Sen. Manuel Villar Jr.’s running mate possesses the “3M” qualities: “maganda,” “matalino,” and “maka-kalikasan.” Vice presidential aspirant Loren Legarda who felt alluded to, said her presidential running mate also possessed the “3M” qualities: “masipag,” “matiyaga” and “malapit nang magpanic kapag ‘di pa ako nag-yes sa kanyang offer.”

Gibo’s VP
The ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party has reportedly given up efforts to lure Sen. Loren Legarda into teaming up with Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro. With this development, the ruling coalition’s choice for vice president is now down to two: “John” and “Jane Doe.”

binay Binay’s Birthday
Birthday boy Jejomar Binay is celebrating his 67th birthday on November 11. Political observers doubt though if he’s really 67 years old… because he’s been mayor of Makati City for like half a century.

Binay’s Birthday II
Last Monday, November 9, Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay and his wife, former Makati City mayor Dr. Elenita Binay hosted a star-studded joint birthday party at the A. Venue Mall in Makati City. Opposition stalwarts and supporters were all present… except for Sen. Chiz Escudero who has made himself clear that he no longer believes in parties.

Binay’s Birthday III
Braving the dangerous traffic and the menacing stare of a Makati traffic enforcer, I personally took a photo of this eye-catching tarpaulin at the corner of Makati Avenue and JP Rizal St. in Makati City around 4pm, Tuesday.
10112009505
Sampung Katanungang Naglaro sa Aking Isipan Matapos Kong Masilayan ang Tarpaulin ni Jose De Venecia III Para Kay Makati City Mayor Jejomar Cabauatan Binay, Birthday Boy

Una: Bakit kailangang idaan sa tarpaulin ang pagbati?

Pangalawa: Hindi ba niya alam ang cellphone number o landline ni Mayor Binay upang mabati niya ito ng personal?

Pangatlo: Bakit sa panulukan pa ng JP Rizal St. at Makati Avenue inilagay ang tarpaulin gayong pwede naman itong isabit sa harap ng bahay ng mga Binay o kaya ay sa city hall upang mas madaling makita ng may kaarawan?

Pang-apat: Kailangan ba talagang may larawan pa ni Joey De Venecia sa tarpaulin?

Panglima: Hindi pa ba siya kilala ni Mayor Binay kaya’t kinailangan pang i-imprenta ang kanyang mukha?

Pang-anim: Titigan ang larawan at sagutin: Ano ang kahalagahan o kaugnayan ng website ni Joey De Venecia sa kaarawan ni Mayor Binay?

Pampito: Kung nabasa ni Mayor Binay ang naturang pagbati, sa palagay n’yo ba ay magpapagawa din ito ng tarpaulin upang iparating ang mensaheng ito: “Maraming salamat sa iyong pagbati Joey De Venecia III! From Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay http://www.makati.gov.ph&#8221; Kung oo, saang panulukan naman kaya niya isasabit ang tarpaulin?

Pangwalo: Bakit parang galit na galit ako sa naturang tarpaulin? Ikaw, anong nararamdaman mo?

Pangsiyam: Bakit kailangan ko pang magtanong gayong alam ko na naman ang sagot?

At pansampu: Ilang daang “Joey De Venecia III” pa kaya sa iba’t ibang panig ng bansa ang magsasabit ng tarpaulin sa mga lansangan, panulukan, gusali, at poste ng kuryente bago dumating ang halalan?

miriam_puno Santiago vs. Puno
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago asked the Senate to file plunder charges against former DPWH Road Board Executive Director Rodolfo ‘Dodie’ Puno for the alleged misuse of some P60.5 billion in road users’ tax. Criticizing Puno’s lavish lifestyle, Santiago also threatened to reveal the names of his mistresses and girlfriends… to which Tonyboy Cojuangco said, “That is not a good idea.”

oil_freeze Petroleum Shortage?
Echoing the oil firms’ opposition to the government-imposed fuel price freeze in Luzon, the honorable Angelo Reyes says the country’s inventory of imported petroleum products is just enough for 13 days. But that’s still good news considering the fact that the government has no energy secretary for more than two years now.

alvin flores gang Alvin Flores Gang
Remember last week’s raid on the suspected hideout of the notorious Alvin Flores Gang in Bulacan? The raid yielded high-powered guns and ammunitions, grenade launchers, two-way radios, and Alvin Flores’ two used faces.

Alvin Flores Gang II
The doctor who performed cosmetic surgery on Alvin Flores revealed that the notorious gang leader was gay and wanted to look like BB Gandanghari. The surgeon also confirmed a gang member’s revelation that the Rolex heist in Greenbelt was a mistake. Flores’ original target was L’Oréal.
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“Leadership has been defined as the ability to hide your panic from others.”
~Anonymous

Just Asking
Philippine Daily Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros originated it.
Other columnists concurred.
The Liberal Party adopted it.
“The 2010 election is a fight between good and evil,” i.e. Noynoy and the Liberals, the good side; GMA and her allies, the evil side.
Over the weekend, several allies of GMA defected to the Liberal Party, and more are expected to jump ship as the deadline for the filing of the certificates of candidacy nears. Question: Does the shift in allegiance automatically make the turncoats “good,’ or do they remain evil?

Just So You Know
A radio serial drama on the life, love, and rise to fame of MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando is being aired on DZRH 666kHz. The 14-part series is called “Ang Manggagawa.” And this just in! Sen. Chiz Escudero has expressed interest in serializing his life story too. The tentative title, “Ang Mang-nga-ngawa!”

Light Bites
Q: Why did Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago reject the offer of President Arroyo to become DENR secretary?
A: Galit siya sa mga PUNO.

Personal
If you have original “political” images similar to that JDVIII photo above, you may email them to The Professional Heckler: professionalheckler@yahoo.com Pictures taken using cellular phones are just fine. Chosen photos will be used in future blog posts. Senders will be acknowledged. Thank you so much.

Lastly, for featuring yet again this blog on ANC’s Strictly Politics, thank you so much Ms. Pia Hontiveros. Catch her show every Tuesday, 8:00 to 9:00 PM on the ABS-CBN News Channel.

COLLUSION

laxon The World Bank Document
Sen. Panfilo Lacson claims to have read a World Bank report on blacklisted construction firms and some powerful personalities allegedly involved in rigged biddings. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she has also have received a copy of the World Bank document but maintains that no names were mentioned in the report. The existence of two copies has prompted the Senate to check on rumors they originated from the office of former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye.

mikea The First Gentleman
According to Sen. Panfilo Lacson, the World Bank Report has implicated the First Gentleman to collusion in rigged biddings. The president’s husband reportedly asked for 5 percent commission for every rigged bid. When the First Gentleman heard this, he said, “Ridiculous! I would never ever settle for anything less than 10 percent!”

Summons
The latest news is that senate committee on economic affairs chair Miriam Defensor-Santiago has summoned several persons implicated by Senator Lacson in the alleged collusion between construction firms blacklisted by the World Bank. They included First Gentleman Mike Arroyo, former congressmen Prospero Pichay and Jacinto Paras, Florante Soriquez, former secretary of the Department of Public Works and Highways; and Lope Adriano, Tito Miranda and Boy Belleza, project director, assistant director and alleged broker, respectively, of the DPWH. In short, senators, congressmen, DPWH officials & brokers, and the First Gentleman will be together in one room. Representatives of the Guinness World Records will also attend the hearing to authenticate this latest attempt from the Philippines to establish a new record for the biggest gathering of high-profile thieves ever.

First Gentleman Mike Arroyo’s lawyer Ruy Rondain says Mr. Arroyo’s probable appearance in the Senate probe would largely depend on the advice of his doctors. At press time, doctors are giving him a 5 percent chance.

Special Probe
Sen. Mar Roxas has proposed the appointment of a ‘special prosecutor’ to handle exclusively the investigation into Mr. Arroyo’s alleged involvement in irregularities in public works projects. Other senators turned down Roxas’ proposal because of cost implications. You know, in this country, prosecutors cost at least 800,000 pesos.

“Unethical”
Senate committee on ethics chair Panfilo Lacson has implicated the late former senator Robert Barbers in the World Bank controversy. His sons, Robert Ace and Robert Dean called it “unethical.” Robert Dean added that his father was “full of integrity,” meaning… Robert Dean has not heard the complete “Hello Garci” tapes.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has invited the First Gentleman and former congressmen Prospero Pichay and Jacinto Paras to attend the senate hearing on the alleged collusion between construction firms blacklisted by the World Bank. When a foreign correspondent asked Santiago why she didn’t summon “a former senator named Robert Barbers,” Sen. Lito Lapid interrupted and said, “Tanga ka ba? It’s unethical!”

Ninoy’s Killers Freed
Two convicted killers of former senator Benigno “Ninoy’ Aquino Jr. were released Friday after they were deemed to have served out their sentence. Public Attorneys Office chief Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta is hopeful the 10 remaining convicted soldiers will be freed next. The Aquino family is now convinced Attorney Rueda-Acosta is indeed a closet Marcos loyalist.

What’s the difference between a freed Ninoy killer and Sen. Lito Lapid? The killer is able to complete a sentence.
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“The more corrupt the state, the more laws.”
~ Publius Cornelius Tacitus

ANOMALOUS

Road Mess
The World Bank identified seven contractors who allegedly manipulated three biddings for road projects worth $33 million it had offered to finance; it also linked politicians and government officials to the manipulation. Apparently, the politicians and the government officials were not named in the four-page report; otherwise, it wouldn’t just be four pages but forty.

Road Mess II
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said she would call another hearing on the “road mess” if Sen. Panfilo Lacson could present his witness on the alleged P70-million bribe given by contractors to a powerful person close to Malacañang holding office at LTA Building in Makati City. Santiago gave Lacson two weeks to present his witness. Malacañang gave Mike Defensor three weeks to neutralize the same witness.

Impeached!
I am not sure if you’ve been following the story of Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. He tries to sell a vacant Senate seat, gets impeached, and his term as governor ends. In the Philippines, someone tries to sell the nation’s sovereignty, never got impeached, and her advisers even propose an extended term.

Lapid’s Bill
Sen. Lito Lapid has filed a bill that would promote the official use of the Filipino language during Senate deliberations. That’s understandable. As you may have heard, Lapid is the third or fourth biggest spender in the Senate. Almost half of his budget is spent on English translators.

Sold!
You’ve probably heard this. PLDT’s Mediaquest Holdings has acquired 87.5 percent of the Philippine Star. Isn’t that an insult to the Philippine Daily Inquirer? The PDI is having a hard time selling an advertising space and yet, the Philippine Star almost sold everything!

Tribune Sued
Development Bank of the Philippines Chairman Patricia Sto. Tomas filed a libel case against Niñez Cacho-Olivares, editor-in-chief of the opposition paper, The Daily Tribune and its columnist former senator Ernesto Maceda over the former senator’s claim that Sto. Tomas received a P10 million Christmas bonus from the DBP. Lawyers for the Daily Tribune are seeking the dismissal of the case saying Sto. Tomas’ reputation is still intact considering the broadsheet’s almost zero readership daily.

Octuplets
As we all know, a 33-year-old woman gave birth to eight babies in Southern California last week, the world’s second live-born set of octuplets. Attending physicians described the birth as a “phenomenon.” The Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines described the woman as a “role model.”

Survey Says…
What AM station do you listen to?
Results
Super Radyo: 68%
DZMM: 17%
DZRH: 10%
DWIZ: 2%
RMN: 1%
Others: 1%

We have a new survey. Vote now.

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“A government, for protecting business only, is but a carcass, and soon falls by its own corruption and decay.”
~Amos Bronson Alcott

REALITY SHOWS

De La Paz: Mea Culpa
Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz appeared before the Senate Saturday and took full responsibility for the infamous Moscow incident. De La Paz says “it is a lapse on my part.” From requesting and approving 10 million pesos, to carrying the huge amount to Russia, to not declaring the said amount, to issuing conflicting statements as to the money’s real purpose – everything was his fault. In fact, De La Paz was too willing to take all the blame, he almost owned up to the fertilizer fund scam.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago said De La Paz’s refusal to tell the truth and reveal the role of his superiors in the fund mess was a blow to the country’s efforts to get rid of corruption. And an even bigger blow to her planned revenge on Ronaldo Puno.

Obama’s Mother-in-Law
Reports say US President-elect Barack Obama is moving into the White House with his family including his mother-in-law. Yup, his mother-in-law. No Philippine president has ever done that… although Joseph Estrada did plan to bring one to Malacañang. He just couldn’t decide which one.

BF’s Posters
Reports say militants vandalized MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando’s posters in Quezon City. They put a G between BAYA and NI… incurring the ire of actress Susan Roces.

Inspired by BF’s Win
After Bayani Fernando’s half-expected win on “Celebrity Duets,” more and more politicians are rumored to be joining (some were invited) reality competitions:
Jinggoy Estrada on “Scare Tactics”
Lito Lapid on “Average Joe”
Jamby Madrigal will try to pull off a Paris Hilton in the local version of “The Simple Life.”
– Retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz is reviewing for “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”
President Arroyo, Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez, Loren Legarda, Jamby Madrigal, and the wife of Eliseo De La Paz will be featured on “Girls Behaving Badly.”
Tessie Aquino-Oreta is training hard now for “Dancing With the Stars.”
Noynoy Aquino might do “The Bachelor.”
John Osmeña might do “The Bachelorette.”
Jose De Venecia was actually invited to be a contestant on “The Biggest Loser.”
And finally, Ping Lacson has reportedly bought a new gun in preparation for his stint on “Kakasa Ka ba sa Grade 5?”

Have a great week ahead!

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Few people have the imagination for reality.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

BARACK OBINAY


Birthday Boy Binay
Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay celebrated his 66th birthday yesterday, November 11. Residents of Makati couldn’t believe Binay was only 66 years old… considering that he’s been the mayor of Makati for like 75 years.

Supporters of Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay are comparing him to US President-elect Barack Obama. They’re both from the opposition, they’re both “black,” and they’ve been both snubbing President Arroyo.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay has announced his intention to run for president in 2010. Binay is reportedly hoping to become this country’s Barack Obama. Guess who’s running as his vice president? Jovito Salonga.

What else does the grapevine say? Oh, there’s the rumor that Korina Sanchez has expressed willingness to become Obama’s Oprah and that Archbishop Oscar Cruz wants to be the local version of the Reverend Jesse Jackson. As for the role of Joe the Plumber, Binay might pick obscure characters like Joe the Taho Vendor, Joe the Taxi Driver, or maybe something more obscure like, Joe the Former Speaker.

Makati City Mayor Jojo Binay has declared his bid for the presidency in 2010. When Panfilo Lacson heard this, he told his staff, “Research n’yo nga ang budget ng Makati for its road projects.”

Followers of Mayor Jejomar Binay are comparing him to US-president elect Barack Obama whose victory was eagerly predicted (less than a day after the voting) by its supporters in the media: CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC and CBS. In fact, even before yesterday’s Makati City rally could finish, Binay’s win was already predicted by ABS-CBN, the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the Daily Tribune, and Malaya.

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is projecting himself as the Barack Obama of the Philippines. Now hear this: Loren Legarda wants to be the next Sarah Palin, a simple woman whose hobbies include shooting moose in Alaska. In fact, just to learn how to shoot, Loren’s willing to reconcile with Tony Leviste.

Yesterday, November 11, Makati City came out with full-page newspaper advertisements hailing Mayor Jejomar Binay’s rags-to-riches story. Not to be upstaged is former senator John Osmeña who’s also coming out with full-page ads on his drags to bitches story.

Top 5 Rejected Slogans for Mayor Jejomar Binay’s Presidential Campaign

5: Kung nais mo ng liwanag, iboto ang DILIM.

4: Feeling tired? Looking haggard? Sagot ni Binay ang yellow card!

3: Gilagid man ay maitim, malinis naman ang hangarin.

2: No Retreat, No Surrender, Kahit May Kasong Plunder!

And the No.1 rejected slogan for Mayor Jejomar Binay’s presidential campaign…

1: Sinimulang pandarambong sa munisipyo
Ipagpapatuloy ko sa palasyo!
(Promise, may share uli kayo.
Ooops, joke lang po ito!)

(This post was featured on TV5’s TEN:The Evening News on November 12, 2008.)

Miriam Too?
Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she might consider running for president “just to be a spoiler” then added that the idea of seeking another Senate term already makes her yawn… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Ay oo, masamang maghikab sa session. Kaya ako, itinutulog ko na lang.”

God and Showbiz
Asked about her recent break up with (alleged) boyfriend, Sam Milby, young actress Anne Curtis said, “Kailangan niyang mag-concentrate muna do’n sa relationship niya with God,” to which God said, “Whaaaatever!”

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The ambitious are forever followed by adulation for they receive the most pleasure from flattery.
–Oliver Goldsmith

OF DIVAS & DIVOS

Obama and Nine World Leaders
President-elect Barack Obama spoke by telephone with the leaders of nine US allies to express thanks for their messages of congratulations. He returned the calls to the leaders of Australia, Britain, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, Japan, Mexico and South Korea. Obama actually considered returning the call of President Arroyo but decided to postpone it… until such time his intelligence adviser has given him the assurance his call won’t be wiretapped.

Miriam’s Failed ICJ Seat Bid
After being edged out by the candidate from the African nation of Somalia, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago lost her bid for a seat in the International Court of Justice (ICJ). Reporters tried to get Santiago’s reaction but her staff said she was busy doing a background check on the Somalian candidate… whose intense ICJ campaign she suspected of having been run by DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno.

Bolante Update
The spokeswoman of St. Luke’s Medical Center said former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder and must stay in the hospital for further tests. Asked about the possible cause of the disorder, she replied, “severe exhaustion of the conscience.”

The spokeswoman of St. Luke’s Medical Center said former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante was diagnosed with a sleeping disorder. Now that’s really bad. Noon, ‘yong mga dating kaibigan lang ang ayaw dumalaw sa kanya. Ngayon naman, pati antok ayaw siyang dalawin.


CNN’s New Technology
Remember the holographic technology used by CNN in its election coverage last week? A reporter who was actually in Chicago was made to look as if she was right inside the network’s Manhattan studio. Amazing! That’s the same technology being used now by St. Luke’s Medical Center to make it appear Jocjoc Bolante’s still there.

SWS Survey
The third quarter survey conducted by the Social Weather Stations showed that Vice President Noli De Castro (29%) was still the top pick of Filipinos to replace President Arroyo in 2010. Senate President Manuel Villar (28%) came in close second, and Sen. Loren Legarda (26%) placed third. Cong. Jose De Venecia got one percent… which probably explains why he spent two whole days at the cemetery on November 1 & 2. He visited his political career.

Mass in Malacañang
Shortly before midnight on Friday, President Arroyo heard mass in Malacañang celebrated by a bishop from Quezon, and organized by NGO leader Evelyn Kilayko amid rumors of a destabilization plot. Kilayko says she received a text message saying Jose De Venecia is leading the plot. Apparently, Kilayko is not used to receiving text jokes.

ABS-CBN Lets Go of Luchi
ABS-CBN confirmed the resignation of Luchi Cruz-Valdez, vice-president for news production & current affairs after a bitter dispute with fellow news executive Maria Ressa. ABS-CBN accepted her resignation and hailed her contribution to the organization, and to the network’s cost-cutting measures.

With the resignation of Luchi Cruz-Valdez, the network’s so-called group of “tres marias” aka “three divas” has officially been dissolved. The remaining duo of Maria Ressa and Charie Villa will soon be known as “dos lesbos.”

Bayani Wins TV Tilt
MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando has been declared champion of GMA 7’s talent search Celebrity Duets Season 2. Residents of Marikina City are rejoicing… mainly because Mayor Marides Fernando will now stop soliciting text votes for her husband.

Personal
History has repeated itself. I left (and probably lost) my phone in a taxicab Sunday noon. Yup, that’s the same phone i lost in a cab five weeks ago but was found and returned by a UP stude. This time, I think whoever found it has no intention of giving it back to me. Sigh. I’ve got a new phone though.
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Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.
–Tony Blair