HOLY WEAK, TOO


The Professional Heckler continues to receive reports of Holy Week ‘sightings’ of political figures.

Reports say President Arroyo has never left the bedside of the First Gentleman. She cannot afford to miss Mike Arroyo’s seven last words. (If ever.)

Do you know the powerful Garcia clan of Cebu? The senakulo that they organized was one of the most controversial in recent years. A faction of the Garcia family wanted to betray Jesus but another faction stayed loyal and supported him.

In Lubao, Pampanga, Mikey Arroyo was so impressed with the performance of the guys who portrayed the role of Roman centurions that he vowed to represent them in the next Congress.

And did you hear about the reenactment of the Last Supper organized by Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi? The 12 apostles got the shock of their lives when Gilbert Teodoro who played the role of Jesus suddenly resigned from the play.

Rumors have it the First Gentleman wanted someone else to replace Gilbert Teodoro in the senakulo. Worse, Mrs. Arroyo who personally picked Teodoro for the lead role knew about it.

But did you know what happened next when news came out that Manny Villar was the presidential bet of Mike Arroyo? Villar denied the First Gentleman three times before the cock crowed!

Sen. Loren Legarda declined an invitation to participate in a senakulo after getting word that it will be shown live in ANC and ABS-CBN.

This just in! Partido Lakas-CMD-Kampi has decided to cancel its scheduled Easter Egg Hunt Party. Instead, party leaders will be hunting for its missing members.

In a related development, Easter Egg Hunt activities in remote provinces were also canceled. This, after the CPP-NPA increased its ‘permit-to-hunt’ fees.

Albay Governor Joey Salceda volunteered to play Jesus in a senakulo in Bicol. Salceda’s favorite part of the play was when Roman soldiers placed a crown on his head.

And finally, two representatives from the Social Weather Stations and Pulse Asia were chosen to play the role of apostles in the reenactment of the Last Supper. However, they were sacked from the play when they insisted that Jesus Christ’s prediction of an apostle betraying him had a margin of error of plus or minus 2.

In the News
In San Pedro Cutud village in the City of San Fernando, Pampanga, 49-year-old sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. Psychologists refer to that as the “Jejomar Binay Syndrome.”

In San Pedro Cutud village, sign painter Ruben Enaje, was crucified for the 24th consecutive year. If ever he’d retire, he wanted his son (or his wife) to continue what he started.
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“Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. America gets Hollywood. Italy gets the Catholic Church.”
~Erika Jong

Survey Says
Are you going out of town this Holy Week break?
Definitely. Excited na nga eh. 15%
Nope. Sa bahay na lang. 76%
Not sure. Bahala na. 9%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Wohoo!
Congratulations to GMA7’s I-Witness (Ambulansyang De Paa) for winning in the prestigious 69th Annual Peabody Awards. Here’s the complete list of winners.

CHRISTMAS AND POLITICS, TOO

FIRST, some bad news. Mayon Volcano has erupted. The explosion has endangered the lives of Albay residents… prompting President Arroyo to declare martial law in the province.

AGAIN, I would like to apologize for this delayed post. I promise to have regular updates after Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, a number of political personalities emailed me and asked why their own re-creations/re-enactments of the Nativity Scene were not mentioned in the previous post. I told them I was running out of time when I uploaded that particular post last Sunday. Nonetheless, I promised to feature their own Yuletide anecdotes in the succeeding posts.

It’s the holiday season. It’s Christmas! The signs are all over: people flocking to Divisoria; Communist rebels declaring a truce with the government, and Satur Ocampo shaking hands with Bongbong Marcos!

Did you hear what happened when the First Gentleman dressed up like Santa at the palace? When he started talking, his grandchildren said, “You’re not Santa! You’re Santo Niño!”

A Yuletide trivia about the Defensor-Santiagos. Since 1992, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago and her husband have refused to display Christmas trees in their house. Asked why, the couple replied, “Ganun katindi ang galit namin sa mga puno.”

Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is perhaps the most consistent local executive when it comes to playing Santa to his constituents. He’s been doing that for 23 consecutive years!

Instead of designating someone to buy stuff for him, Sen. Manny Villar himself did the shopping this year. The most expensive item he bought was Loren Legarda.

Atty. Gilbert Teodoro had a difficult time shopping. So he just let Ronaldo Puno do the work for him.

Something bad happened to the Nativity Scene created by Sen. Panfilo Lacson. The three kings who were traveling at night were mistaken for robbers and were ‘neutralized.’ Lacson accused Erap of masterminding it.

The Liberal Party’s re-enactment of the Nativity Scene was one of the most controversial. Serge Osmeña backed out from playing Jesus when he learned that Ralph and Vilma would play Joseph and Mary.

In Pampanga, the re-enactment of the Nativity Scene at the capitol was ordered stopped by Governor Ed Panlilio. The priest-on-leave canceled the event when Mr. and Mrs. Bong and Lilia Pineda insisted on playing the role of the infant Jesus’ “godparents.”

In fairness to Lakas-Kampi-CMD, they did try to re-enact the Nativity Scene. They just couldn’t really complete the cast.

The Roxas-Araneta family had a lavish Christmas party in which the Nativity Scene was reenacted. As expected, Mar Roxas played Joseph. Korina Sanchez was infant Jesus’ stepmother.

Former senator Jovito Salonga’s favorite Christmas carol is “The Christmas Song.” He particularly likes the line that goes, “And so I’m offering this simple phrase/ To kids from 1 to 92…”

Sen. Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. also loves “The Christmas Song.” He gets horny when he hears the line, “Chest nuts roasting on an open fire…”

Senatorial aspirant and retired Army Major Gen. Jovito Palparan doesn’t like people in Santa outfit. He refused to elaborate but said, “I just hate Reds.”

Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros is giving away Transformers toys this year. He purchased both sets of Autobots and Decepticons… because he believes in toys that depict the battle between good and evil.

Rumors say Korina was a no-show at the Christmas party of ABS-CBN News and Current Affairs… making it the group’s most enjoyable gathering in recent years.

The Kapuso Network’s party for the press was well thought of. However, network bosses were reportedly alarmed when ABS-CBN’s press party got a higher rating from the attendees!

In terms of variety though, ABC 5’s Yuletide parties top them all. Every year, they celebrate the Holidays with new owners, new bosses, and new officemates.

Finally, for the first time in history, the Philippine Daily Inquirer and the Philippine Star had a joint Christmas party. Thanks to their joint sponsor, Noynoy Aquino.
______
“If I were given the opportunity to present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each individual to learn to laugh at himself.”
~Charles Schulz

Light Bites
Q: In Maguindanao, an unidentified person donned a Santa costume. He was really unrecognizable. But when he spoke three words, the kids around him yelled, “Andal Ampatuan Jr!” What three words did he utter?
A: Backhoe! Ho! Ho!

Survey Says…
After watching them in a couple of presidential fora, who do you think deserves your vote in 2010?
NOYNOY AQUINO 25%
JC DE LOS REYES 1%
JOSEPH ESTRADA 1%
DICK GORDON 26%
JAMBY MADRIGAL <1%
GILBERT TEODORO 36%
EDDIE VILLANUEVA 5%
MANNY VILLAR 6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Personal
I’d like to thank Senator Chiz Escudero for the Holiday txt greets. Chiz’ thoughtfulness never fails to amaze me – despite the heckling.

And to everyone who made this year a remarkable and memorable one for The Professional Heckler, Merry Christmas!

To borrow Pacquiao’s line: Maraming salamat sa inyung supurta!

Have a safe vacation!

SILICONE VALLEY

gma
GMA’s Health
After initially dismissing it as just a “rumor,” the president’s spokesman, Cerge Remonde finally admitted that Mrs. Arroyo had breast augmentation 20 years ago. Still, Remonde’s revelation did not answer the bigger question: why is Mike Arroyo still unhappy?

The president’s spokesman, Cerge Remonde admitted that Mrs. Arroyo had breast augmentation 20 years ago but vehemently denied that she was hospitalized last week because of “leaking breast implants.” Unsatisfied with Remonde’s explanation, the Senate is conducting a probe on the matter.

Cerge Remonde was not supposed to confirm reports that President Arroyo’s got fake breasts… until former press secretary Ignacio Bunye organized his own press con and in an attempt to defend his former boss, he told the press, “There are two sets of breasts. One was real, the other was fake.”

loie Unconfirmed reports say former senator Luisa Ejercito had come to the defense of President Arroyo on the issue of breast augmentation. Speaking before some members of the media, the ex-first lady called on the public to respect Mrs. Arroyo as “a leader” and “as a woman.” Ejercito then excused herself, and said, “Maiwan ko muna kayo. Magpapalit lang ako ng ilong.”

It’s confirmed! Twenty years ago, President Arroyo had a boob job. When Sen. Lito Lapid heard this, he said, “Eh ano namang masama dun? ‘Buti nga may trabaho ‘yong tao.”

Light Bites
Q: How did the issue of the president’s breast augmentation reach the media?
A: It “leaked.”

Q: Before the president’s boob job, how did the First Gentleman’s friends call him?
A: Sawimpalad.
Q: After the president’s boob job, how was he called then?
A: Kapuspalad.
(Note: Subject to confirmation.)

Top 20 Movie Remakes About the President and Her Breasts

No. 20: Bukas Lulusog ang mga Tala

No. 19: Orapronobreast

No. 18: The Silence of the Lumps

No. 17: Tatlong Taong Walang Juice (Subtitle: Eeew!)

No. 16: I Know What You Did 20 Years Ago

No. 15: Doctor Dodolittle

No. 14: I Still Know What You Did Last Week

No. 13: The Grapes of Rot (Subtitle: Nang Biglang May Tumulo)

No. 12: Sinapo Ka Ngunit Kulang

No. 11: Honey, I Blew Up My Breast (20 Years Ago)

No. 10: An Inconvenient Growth

No. 9: Honey, I Shrunk My Breast (Last Week)

No. 8: The Chronicles of Gloria: The Liar, The Bitch and the Implant

No. 7: Kapag Suso’y Sinugatan

No. 6: What’s Dripping Gloria’s Grapes?

No. 5: There’s Something About Mammary

No. 4: The Devil Wears Fake Bra

No. 3: Sinungaling Mong Suso

No. 2: The Pursuit of Cup-E-ness

And the No. 1 movie remake about the president and her breasts…

The Year of Leaking Dangerously
___________
“B is for Breasts of which ladies have two; Once prized for the function, Now for the view.”
~Robert Paul Smith

Have a productive week ahead!

SURPRISE CALL

baracktele Obama and the President
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. To give you an idea how surprising and unexpected it was, ISAFP agents failed to press the “Record” button.

Obama and the President II
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. The call was totally surprising and unexpected, President Arroyo was compelled to put Cesar Mancao on hold!

gma_barack Obama and the President III
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. To give you an idea how surprised the president was, when she answered the call, she said, “Hello… Barci! Oops, I am shorry.”

Obama and the President IV
US President Barack Obama made a surprise telephone call to President Arroyo early Saturday morning. Rumors say it was lengthy conversation. To give you an idea how long it was, Cesar Mancao was forced to hang up and even threatened to revise his affidavit.

Obama and the President V
Reports say presidential daughters Sasha and Malia Obama have yet to receive their new puppy from US President Barack Obama. Maybe that’s the reason why Obama phoned President Arroyo. He’s looking for a “tuta.”

survey_presidentiables
The Latest Survey
Vice President Noli De Castro topped the latest Pulse Asia survey with a 19 percent preference rating. He was followed by Sen. Francis Escudero, 17 percent, Joseph Estrada, 16 percent, Sen. Manuel Villar, 15 percent, Sen. Loren Legarda, 12 percent, Sen. Manuel Roxas II, 7 percent, and Sen. Panfilo Lacson, 6 percent. Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay got 2 percent while MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando got only one percent. The First Gentleman was luckier. He got five percent.

Enrile and the House
Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile has proposed to increase the number of congressmen from 250 to 350. Enrile’s proposal is contained in his Senate Bill No. 3123 or An Act Establishing Metro Manila’s First Ever Crocodile Farm.

duterte Duterte and the Military
Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte is reportedly fuming over the alleged human rights abuses of the military. Apparently, Duterte is threatened by the competition.

Personal
My date with my doctor has been rescheduled. I just had blood extraction yesterday. It was less painful than I expected. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be back at the Makati Medical Center. Heckling continues Tuesday.

_________
“Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”
~Ambrose Bierce

LOVE IN THE TIME OF POLITICS

Top 10 Political Valentine Card Messages

10. To Lance Corporal Daniel Smith
From New Bilibid Prisons Inmates

Roses are red
Violets are blue
We’re so excited
Can’t wait for you.

9. To The Senate
From Jocjoc Bolante

How do I lie thee?
Let me count the ways.

8. To the Three Alabang Boys
From PDEA Director Dionisio Santiago

O, drug dealers na makapangyarihan
Sampung prosecutors ang nasasaklawan
Kapag pumasok kayo saan mang kulungan
Susuhulan lahat lumaya ka lamang.

7. To DOJ Prosecutor John Resado
From The Alabang Boys

Thank you for tryin’
we appreciate it
Just return our money
or get mired in deep shit.

6. To All German Nationals in the Philippines
From Sen. Lito Lapid with Love on Valentine’s Day

Penpen de sarapen
De kutsilyo de almasen
Haw haw de carabao
De van hauten.

5. To Loren
From Your ex, Tony Leviste

All alone in my cell, I think of you my darling
Will you visit me today for an hour of canoodling?
I’ve got a bed, two soft pillows, and a tv set to boot
I vow to be gentle, I promise not to shoot!

4. To Ping and Jamby
From Manny Villar

On Valentine’s Day I forgive, I forget
Just stop the big fuss about the C-5 budget
Double insertion? Did you say I’m guilty?
My wife’s a billionaire so that’s a baloney!

3. To Korina
From Mar Roxas

Thanks for the support oh my dearest one
Next year, I promise, we’ll be in Malacañang
“First Lady” of the land, isn’t that what you wanted?
And I, your President, ‘tang ina, I’m excited!

2. To The World Bank and the Senate
From First Gentleman Mike Arroyo

On this day of hearts, I appeal to thee
My heart is so weak, so please have some mercy
Hearsay! Malicious! The reports are baseless
Even if you ask Merceditas Gutierrez!

And the No. 1 Political Valentine Card Message…

1. To President Arroyo
From US President Barack Obama

I really am sorry for ignoring you dear
I just don’t feel comfy whenever you’re near
My target is to make the U.S.A. better
While your only goal is to change a Charter!
________

Another New York Plane Crash
A Continental Express plane with 48 people aboard crashed into a Buffalo home in upstate New York. But here’s a more shocking revelation. Unknown to everyone, during US President Barack Obama’s inauguration, a commercial plane ran out of gas while flying over Washington DC. Luckily, the pilot safely landed the aircraft… on Aretha Franklin’s hat.

paule Paule in Pasay
Remember businessman Jaime Paule? The alleged bagman in the P728M fertilizer fund scam who was ordered arrested by the Senate at the St. Luke’s Medical Center is now detained at the Pasay City jail. Isn’t that a double whammy? Makukulong ka na nga lang sa Pasay City Jail pa! And did you see the detention cell? That’s not a jail man. That’s a cage!

Australian Wildfires
Australian authorities have arrested an arson suspect responsible for the wildfires that have so far killed 181 people and left thousands homeless. Nope, there’s no truth to rumors that the suspect was arrested at the St. Luke’s Medical Center.

Elsewhere…
Check out the fascinating story about a boy who fathered a child at 13.
_________

Survey Says…
Are you going out on a romantic date on Valentine’s Day?
Results:
No: 36%
Date? What date?! : 32%
Hopefully: 18%
Yes: 14%
Others: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
_________

“Minamalat na naman ang puso ko. Pa’no kasi, laging isinisigaw ang pangalan mo.”
~Filipino Pick-up Line

COLLUSION

laxon The World Bank Document
Sen. Panfilo Lacson claims to have read a World Bank report on blacklisted construction firms and some powerful personalities allegedly involved in rigged biddings. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says she has also have received a copy of the World Bank document but maintains that no names were mentioned in the report. The existence of two copies has prompted the Senate to check on rumors they originated from the office of former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye.

mikea The First Gentleman
According to Sen. Panfilo Lacson, the World Bank Report has implicated the First Gentleman to collusion in rigged biddings. The president’s husband reportedly asked for 5 percent commission for every rigged bid. When the First Gentleman heard this, he said, “Ridiculous! I would never ever settle for anything less than 10 percent!”

Summons
The latest news is that senate committee on economic affairs chair Miriam Defensor-Santiago has summoned several persons implicated by Senator Lacson in the alleged collusion between construction firms blacklisted by the World Bank. They included First Gentleman Mike Arroyo, former congressmen Prospero Pichay and Jacinto Paras, Florante Soriquez, former secretary of the Department of Public Works and Highways; and Lope Adriano, Tito Miranda and Boy Belleza, project director, assistant director and alleged broker, respectively, of the DPWH. In short, senators, congressmen, DPWH officials & brokers, and the First Gentleman will be together in one room. Representatives of the Guinness World Records will also attend the hearing to authenticate this latest attempt from the Philippines to establish a new record for the biggest gathering of high-profile thieves ever.

First Gentleman Mike Arroyo’s lawyer Ruy Rondain says Mr. Arroyo’s probable appearance in the Senate probe would largely depend on the advice of his doctors. At press time, doctors are giving him a 5 percent chance.

Special Probe
Sen. Mar Roxas has proposed the appointment of a ‘special prosecutor’ to handle exclusively the investigation into Mr. Arroyo’s alleged involvement in irregularities in public works projects. Other senators turned down Roxas’ proposal because of cost implications. You know, in this country, prosecutors cost at least 800,000 pesos.

“Unethical”
Senate committee on ethics chair Panfilo Lacson has implicated the late former senator Robert Barbers in the World Bank controversy. His sons, Robert Ace and Robert Dean called it “unethical.” Robert Dean added that his father was “full of integrity,” meaning… Robert Dean has not heard the complete “Hello Garci” tapes.

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago has invited the First Gentleman and former congressmen Prospero Pichay and Jacinto Paras to attend the senate hearing on the alleged collusion between construction firms blacklisted by the World Bank. When a foreign correspondent asked Santiago why she didn’t summon “a former senator named Robert Barbers,” Sen. Lito Lapid interrupted and said, “Tanga ka ba? It’s unethical!”

Ninoy’s Killers Freed
Two convicted killers of former senator Benigno “Ninoy’ Aquino Jr. were released Friday after they were deemed to have served out their sentence. Public Attorneys Office chief Atty. Persida Rueda-Acosta is hopeful the 10 remaining convicted soldiers will be freed next. The Aquino family is now convinced Attorney Rueda-Acosta is indeed a closet Marcos loyalist.

What’s the difference between a freed Ninoy killer and Sen. Lito Lapid? The killer is able to complete a sentence.
_________
“The more corrupt the state, the more laws.”
~ Publius Cornelius Tacitus

2009 PREDICTIONS

Top 15 Predicted Scandals and Controversies of 2009

15: Vicki Belo admits “huge crush” on BJ “Tolits” Forbes; young actor’s mom alerts Bantay Bata

14: Amid mounting criticisms, Manny Pacquiao moves up from lightweight to heavyweight; Bob Arum eyes multi-million dollar bout against Vladimir Klitschko

13: Optical Media Board detects melamine and excessive amount of lead in pirated DVDs from China; massive raids in Quiapo, Metrowalk, St. Francis Square, and Makati Cinema Square set

12: Bus operators seek court’s TRO against MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando’s new memorandum circular requiring the installation of urinals aboard buses

11. Communist leader Jose Ma. Sison finally returns home and joins the celebrity edition of Pinoy Big Brother to re-launch his career and to entice more recruits!

10: PLDT and Smart CEO Manny V. Pangilinan officially launches Pink Mobile – the first and only pre-paid network for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgenders.

9: ABS-CBN announces bid for 2010 elections; Ted and Korina to lead nominees of Kapamilya Party-list Group

8: Sen. Mar Roxas denounces favoritism and censorship as he is barred from speaking by fellow opposition leaders in 2009’s biggest anti-Charter Change rally in Makati City

7: Recession finally hits home as Divisoria’s 168 and Tutuban malls shut down operations due to poor sales

6: 2010 Polls: Newly-formed Moral Revolution Party picks JDV and JDV III for president and vice president respectively; Jun Lozada banners senatorial slate

5: Abused by their employer, two Filipina maids in Pasig City seek help from Sen. Manuel Villar but the senator declines as the identity of the employer is revealed: Princess Revilla.

4: Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales Sr. is diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer’s but refuses to step down. To keep his post, he threatens to fight all the way up to the Supreme Court, and tells his detractors to just “jump into Pasig River.”

3: Two coups in two chambers: Lito Lapid is new Senate president; House installs Mikey Arroyo as Speaker

2: Diarrhea downs First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo anew. But in a surprising and totally bizarre twist, the “diarrhea” calls for a press con, denies culpability, and brands Attorney Arroyo “a liar.”

And the No. 1 predicted scandal of 2009…

1: Arroyo government agrees to ratify revised memorandum of agreement on land ownership with MILF rebels. Peace panel member Nasser Pangandaman Sr. says the controversial new pact shall cover only the country’s 10 largest golf courses.

Happy New Year!

Personal: Thanks again to Jove of TV5 for this ahem, recognition(?).
__________

Never make predictions, especially about the future.
~ Casey Stengel

SHIT HAPPENS

FG: The Morning After
Diarrhea and not heart attack downed First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo while on board the president’s plane to Peru. Now you know why it’s called “emergency landing.”

First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo fell ill because of diarrhea, not heart attack. Diarrhea has also downed President Arroyo a couple of times in the past. Inaalam na ngayon ng Malacañang reporters kung ano ang puno’t dulo ng matinding galit ng tae sa First Couple.

Because of Atty. Mike Arroyo’s diarrhea, the plane carrying President Arroyo enroute to Peru had to make an emergency landing in Osaka, Japan. Didn’t you notice? Sa Pilipinas man o sa Osaka, o kahit sa China, sumisingaw ang baho.

Now it can be told. Diarrhea and not heart attack downed First Gentleman Mike Arroyo while on board the plane carrying the Philippine delegation to the APEC forum in Lima, Peru. The plane had to make an emergency landing when suddenly, oxygen masks started dropping.

On the day the First Gentleman was discharged from the hospital following what was initially thought was a heart attack, the Philippine Daily Inquirer’s banner headline talked about Jose De Venecia finally spilling the beans on Jose Miguel Arroyo as regards the NBN ZTE deal. In case you didn’t notice, the Inquirer was trying to continue what the diarrhea has started.

Top 12 Movie Remakes Starring First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo

12: My Big Fat Freak Shitting

11. Wild, Wild Wet

10: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Shit

9: Muro Amoy

8: MadaGasFart

7: All About Ebs

6: Harry Pooper and the Chamber of Shitlets

5: Kung Fu Martka

4: Mike Arroyo: When Nature Calls

3: Taetanic

2: Groan With the Wind

And the No. 1 movie remake starring First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo…

1: The Fart and the Furious / 2 Fart 2 Furious

JDV’s Biography
This week, Cong. Jose De Venecia will launch his biography titled, “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines.” However, rumors say an unauthorized biography has already made its way to the Internet. The title? “House Speaker Jose De Vendetta: Todo na ‘to! Lintik Lang Ang Walang Ganti. This is For You Anak.”

Former House Speaker’s biography to be launched this week will devote several chapters on the alleged scandals in the Arroyo government. De Venecia had so much ease writing those chapters mainly because most scandals were his brainchild anyway.

Cong. Jose De Venecia will launch this week his biography titled, “Global Filipino: The Authorized Biography of Jose de Venecia Jr., the Visionary Five-Time Speaker of the House of Representatives of the Philippines.” This early, National Bookstore is predicting the biography will top its Fiction List.

Pirates and Oil
Somali pirates are asking for money after hijacking a Saudi supertanker full of oil. Hmmm… wait. Hijacking a ton of oil then holding it for money? Are you sure they’re Somalis? Sounds like the handiwork of the Big 3 to me.

Jesus and the Beatles
After 42 years, the Vatican has finally forgiven John Lennon for declaring that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ. In a related story, a recent survey showed 95 percent of Filipino kids are more familiar with High School Musical’s Zac Efron than the current Pope.

_______________
The past exudes legend: one can’t make pure clay of time’s mud. There is no life that can be recaptured wholly; as it was. Which is to say that all biography is ultimately fiction.
~Bernard Malamud

SCARY

RP, China and the Milk Scare
Rep. Monico Puentevella, the chief of mission of the Philippine Olympic delegation said Filipino athletes who participated in the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, China should take medical tests to check if they drank melamine-laced milk during their stay in the communist state. Malacañang is reportedly inclined to heed the suggestion but only after tests have been conducted on Mr. & Mrs. Arroyo, Jose De Venecia, Gina De Venecia and Benjamin Abalos.

Ramon Revilla Sr. Suffers Stroke
Last Tuesday morning, former senator Ramon Revilla Sr. suffered a stroke or the sudden death of brain cells due to inadequate blood flow. The unfortunate incident thus debunked persistent rumor there was nothing inside Revilla’s skull.

Interviewed by GMA 7, Sen. Bong Revilla said, “Ang fear namin, baka hindi na mabalik ang dati niyang pag-iisip,” to which doctors at St. Luke’s said, “He won’t be losing much anyway.”

Elsewhere

Newsbreak Online thinks Panfilo Lacson’s anti-Villar stance has something to do with Cavite politics.

Cocktales reveals more on the Maria Ressa-Luchi Cruz-Valdez rift.

null My Lost Cellphone
Around 12:30pm today (Friday), I lost my Smart cellphone. Contacts, photos, music, videos, everything was there. Nope, there was no sleazy videos. (Thank goodness I erased them! *wink*) So I immediately visited a Smart wireless center and asked for a replacement SIM (I had a postpaid line). I then went to a phone store and scouted for a new one. It was getting late so I decided to just return tomorrow. In short, I wasn’t able to buy one. Around 10PM, someone buzzed me in Yahoo Messenger. I thought she’s a follower of my blog so I approved her “Add Request.” And then she started typing a message, “good evening sir, did you happen to lose a phone today?” I was stunned! She found my cellphone in a taxicab! Wow!

So allow me to salute this honest, Political Science major from the University of the Philippines who found my phone: Justine Millare. Nawa’y dumami pa ang mga katulad mo! Mabuhay ka!

__________
Luck affects everything; let your hook always be cast; in the stream where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
– Ovid

LIARS

Squabble at the Senate
In a privilege speech delivered Wednesday night, Sen. Jamby Madrigal attacked Senate President Manuel Villar over alleged double insertions in the national budget. Jamby spoke, “We cannot have a nation run by a thief.” Monitoring Jamby’s speech on television, First Gentleman Mike Arroyo said, “O, what did I do? Ba’t nadamay na naman?!”

Taking potshots at Senate President Villar, Sen. Jamby Madrigal said, “Bumaba ka rito. Harapin mo at ipagtanggol mo ang sarili mo. Magpakalalaki ka!” to which Senator Villar said, “Sure! Magpapakalalaki ako… kung magpapakababae ka!”

Sen. Jamby Madrigal described Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano as an “attack dog.” Sen. Pia Cayetano protested the name-calling… mainly because that would make her a bitch.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal’s privilege speech was titled, “How to be A Villarnaire,” and talked about how Villar amassed his wealth. This has upset Congresswoman Cynthia Villar who noticed that she was not properly acknowledged.

Defending his partymate Villar, Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano said Jamby and Lacson were “liars who had been twisting facts.” Jamby and Ping retorted that Alan “was lying through his teeth.” Sen. Joker Arroyo has also assailed the “falsity” of Lacson’s allegation but Ping hit back and maintained that Joker was not telling the truth. Sen. Rodolfo Biazon said it was the first time for them to hear senators call one another liars but he wasn’t surprised… it was like hearing Clay Aiken tell the whole world he’s gay.

GMA in New York
In New York now where she addressed the UN General Assembly, President Arroyo held talks with UN delegations to push the candidacy of Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago for a seat in the UN International Court of Justice. In campaigning for Miriam, the president said, “Right now, at this very moment, she’s the least tainted member of the Philippine Senate.”

They’re Out!
American Idol runner up Clay Aiken has officially acknowledged he is gay. Two days later, singer Lindsay Lohan admitted her lesbian affair with DJ Samantha Ronson. There has been so much going on at the Philippine Senate, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two would do a Clay or a Lindsay.

Txtline vs. the NPA
The military in Negros has launched a text hotline to fight the extortion activities of the New People’s Army. To counter the military, NPA rebels are bombing more cell sites on the island.