MICHAEL CHRISTIAN MARTINEZ, the lone Filipino Winter Olympian in Sochi arrived from Russia Sunday afternoon. The 17-year-old athlete was all smiles as adoring fans and supporters welcomed him. And then things got a bit awkward when Chavit Singson and Lito Atienza suddenly appeared in the background.

Malacañang confirmed it has received a courtesy call request from the Philippine Sports Commission. But presidential spokesman Sonny Coloma said there’s no schedule yet since, “Medyo hectic ang schedule ng Pangulo sa darating na linggo dahil sa pagdiriwang ng EDSA 1 at pagpunta sa Malaysia para sa state visit.” You want the President to meet Michael in Malacañang? Here’s a tip: change his name to Janet Napoles.

Congressmen have filed a resolution commending the performance of Michael Christian Martinez in the Sochi Olympics. The lawmakers said, “He definitely did not disappoint our countrymen.” To which, Michael replied, “Sana kayo rin.”

Tito Sotto also filed a resolution commending Winter Olympian Michael Martinez. According to Sotto, “Martinez has proved to Filipinos that with perseverance, determination and hardwork, it is possible to attain and fulfill one’s goals.” I will react to this statement as soon as I’ve verified that the words used were Sotto’s and not someone else’s.

Napoles, Sick?
Suspected pork barrel queen Janet Lim-Napoles has asked the court to allow her to take a medical exam after allegedly experiencing profuse mentsrual bleeding recently. Doctors have yet to confirm if it’s a case of cancer or karma.

According to Janet Napoles’s lawyer Bruce Rivera, the suspected pork barrel queen has been experiencing profuse bleeding recently. See? Even her own blood wanted out of her system.

For coming late to class, a graduating PMA cadet (in the running for salutatorian) was ordered dismissed. That’s the claim of Jeff Aldrin Cudia’s relatives. But the PMA insisted the dismissal had something to do with Cudia’s lying about the reason for being late thus breaking the academy’s Honor Code. The PMA’s Honor Code implores its cadets and alumni “not to lie, cheat, steal nor tolerate among them those who do.” And former Major General Carlos Garcia was like, “’Di nga?!?”

Just days after a PMA cadet was dismissed for being late to class, a PSG member was sacked following his arrest in Makati City for possession of several ATM cards and a scanner. Raphael Marcial, a member of PMA Class 2008 was nabbed in front of an automated teller machine (ATM) early Friday night. Sought for reaction, Marcial said, “At least I was early.”

Brigadier General Noel Miano was charged with sexual harassment at the Sandiganbayan for allegedly groping an 18-year-old girl in 2011. He is a member of PMA Class ’81. To be fair to Miano, the PMA’s Honor Code talks about lying, cheating, and stealing only. There’s no groping.

Accused of corruption and human rights violations, Ukrainian dictator Viktor Yanukovych was ousted by massive protests in Kiev. Yanukovych was forced to leave the capital together with his children, and wife Imelda Romualdez Yanukovych.

A popular uprising in Kiev has ousted Ukrainian dictator Viktor Yanukovych. Sketchy reports say the disgraced leader has fled Ukraine and is headed to either Paoay or Hawaii.

Reigning world boxing champion Vitali Klitschko, is one of the more prominent leaders of the protests in Ukraine. Supporters say Klitschko is qualified to run for president in 2015. They insist that the popular boxer is decisive, brave, and an honest taxpayer.

jinIn Nicaragua…
A court has decided to try three men accused of attempting to steal two bananas valued at 32 cents. People from around the world were shocked when they heard the news – Nicaraguans steal bananas and they get to be tried in court while Filipinos steal millions and they get to deliver privilege speeches.

In Phoenix, Arizona…
A 5-year-old pit bull named Micky mauled a 4-year-old boy. The attack was so vicious everyone in the neighborhood now hates the pit bull – prompting lawyer Raymond Fortun to volunteer as the pit bull’s spokesperson.
“Telling the truth may cause a few seconds of pain, but there’s no medicine that can manage the pain of keeping lies.”
~ R.M. Ford

Sound Bites
“If there’s any evidence against me, I will go to jail myself.”
~Joel Villanueva, TESDA director-general and former party-list representative on his alleged involvement in the pork barrel scam

Poll Results
Dapat bang tanggapin bilang state witness si Ruby Tuason?
Yes. 45%
No. 35%
Magbabasa muna ako. Wala akong alam sa issue. 20%

Have a great week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


Malacañang AFTER Michael Christian Martinez’s historic Sochi Olympics stint:

Malacañang BEFORE Michael Christian Martinez skated at the Sochi Olympics:

MICHAEL CHRISTIAN Martinez became the first Filipino and Southeast Asian figure skater to participate in the Winter Olympics. Here and in Sochi, Michael has become everyone’s darling leaving Malacañang with no choice but to jump on the bandwagon.

Thanks to Michael Christian Martinez, many Filipinos learned more about the triple axels. We learned more about the triple lutzes. We learned more about the triple flip-double toes. And we learned more about this administration’s lack of concern toward sports development in general.

Figure skating is a fascinating winter sport. I wanna see the likes of Tanda, Sexy, Pogi and Janet Napoles skate. I’m serious. But I wanna see them compete against Tonya Harding.

Some people are asking if all figure skaters were gay just because two or three of them really looked gay. That’s stereotyping. It’s like asking if all lawmakers pocketed pork barrel funds just because four or five of them did. Oh wait! Sorry, that’s a very weak analogy. I take it back.

Feb 14 in History
February 14 was the day Alexander Graham Bell’s telephone patent was granted. Also on February 14, Juan Ponce Enrile was born. Those were two events that happened exactly 138 years ago.

Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile celebrated his 90th birthday last February 14. At 90, he’s being romantically-linked to younger women. In his defense, does he have a choice?

But of course, Senator Enrile has denied that he is dating. To be precise though, he’s carbon dating.

I am in awe of Senator Enrile’s longevity. He’s just a few years shy of being a centenarian. To give you an idea of how old he is, when he was born, the exchange rate was 1 is to 5. That’s 1 cattle for every 5 sheep.

One of my favorite TV shows is back. I’m referring to ‘The Walking Dead’ – Or as pork scam whistleblowers would say: Enrile.

In Greenville, North Carolina, police arrested a 27-year-old woman they accused of failing to return a VHS tape. Yes, you can be arrested for that. When Senator Enrile heard this, he immediately returned his overdue Betamax tapes.

unicefJinggoy, 51
Senator Enrile’s ally, Jinggoy Estrada turned 51 on February 17. According to reports, Enrile’s birthday wish is for Jinggoy to become president in the future. Well, the presidency is a big question. And an even bigger question is will Enrile make it there? I mean, in the ‘future.’

Senator Enrile’s birthday wish for Jinggoy? To become president in 2016. Which begs the question: What have we done to you Enrile? Why would you want to punish us?

Metro motorists are advised to brace themselves for monstrous traffic jams as the construction of the Skyway Stage 3 project begins. We can do this people. If we survived our lawmakers, we can survive this traffic nightmare.

Cybercrime Law
Reports say the Supreme Court has upheld the legality of the controversial Anti-Cybercrime Law. Friends say I should be wary of onion-skinned politicians. And I was like, onion-skinned politicians? You mean, crocodile-skinned.

Some people say overly sensitive politicians may harass me by taking legal action against this blog. Again, this blog does not insult politicians. This blog merely describes them.
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
~ George Burns

Sound Bites
“Siyempre, ayaw ko namang maging kakosa siya. Ayaw kong makulong kami. Ang pinakamaganda ngayon ay dasal. Sana ang mga nag-aakusa sa amin ay magising naman sila.
~Bong Revilla reacting to Jinggoy Estrada’s “kakosa” joke

“Michael Christian Martinez looked all alone in that huge palace; there was no team to welcome him back to the stalls. Yet, as he sat back to listen to his scores being announced, his face broke into a wide grin and he held up his white jacket to show the name of the country he was representing: the Philippines. That little gesture spoke volumes. It didn’t matter that he won no medals. He was telling the world that his country exists—not just as the site of catastrophic disasters but as a pool of gifted and disciplined athletes.”
~Prof. Randy David, Michael’s triple axel, PDI 2/15/2014

Have a safe week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Reuters, Rappler, Philippine Daily Inquirer]


WITH THE HELP of Julian Assange and Edward Snowden, we were able to access private Valentine-related tweets of some local personalities. We are making them public for the first time. Enjoy!

@MrPalengke Pssst! Saan ang lakad n’yo ni @RatedK ngayong Valentine? Galingan mo na kasi para makabuo na kayo. Good luck!

@ThePresidentNoy Hindi naman ako ang may problema eh. Ayaw mabuntis ni @RatedK. Masisira raw ang figure. Ang laki na kasi ng nagagastos sa Cohen diet. Kaya heto, diet rin ako sa *bleep* lolz

@MrPalengke Are you even aware that when you tag someone, mababasa nila ang tweets mo? SMH! I’m sorry @ThePresidentNoy pero wala ka nang pakialam sa sex life namin ni @MrPalengke! Get a life!

@RatedK Sorry, na-hack yata ang account ko. Hindi ako ‘yon.

@Sexy It’s the month of love. Please forgive me for testifying against you Jinggoy. Hindi na kasi kaya ng konsensya ko. Regards na lang kay Mareng @DoctoraLoi !

@RubiTuasonSocialite Gago! Malaki ang naitulong sa ‘yo ni Mommy @DoctoraLoi! Sabay pa kayong nagpapa-botox noon tapos tatraydurin mo s’ya?! Kapal ng mukha mo!

@RubiTuasonSocialite ‘Wag mo akong ma-mare-mare! Walanghiya ka! Pati si Mareng @JustaTantocoSocialite idinamay mo pa. Tamaan ka sana ng kidlat. #getlost

We’re sorry to inform you @RubiTuasonSocialite that you can no longer access the tweets of @JustaTantocoSocialite and @DoctoraLoi. You’ve been blocked.

@CongLani happy valentines day babe. mamaya, sunduin kta dyan. hatid ko lang si lani sa gma taping. maligo ka ha tapos suot mo ang binili kong biquini bikenee bikini. #exsited

@AmazingKap wrong send ka na naman pa! gusto mo bang ako na lang ang mag-tweet sa kanya? alam ko ang twitter account ng babaeng ‘yan.

@CongLani sweeeeeetheart! soorrrrrrrri! na-click ko lang. babawi aq later. pramis. sa yo naman ako uuwi 2nyt eh. sorry ulit. i love u!

namis ko ang party sa heretage pag valntines Day. marami kaming iniinvyt na artista tapos kinakantahan pa ako ni darling @HighMeNapoles. kinilig talaga ako. mukhalang tanga. hihihi

@JustJanet wag monang ipaalalasa kin. nasisinti ako. ingat ka na lang jan swethart.

Good news ngayong Valentine’s Day! Isa na namang OFW ang nasagip natin mula sa tiyak na kamatayan sa ibang bansa. Salamat sa Diyos. Mabuhay ang mga bagong bayani!

@Binay2016 whatever. #lahatnalanginaannounce #ehdiIKAWna

@MrPalengke Unfair! Lahat na lang pinupuna n’yo. Kahit anong gawin ng daddy ko, minamasama n’yo at binibigyan ng kulay. #blackpropaganda

… is in a relationship. Slam Dunk Love!

@JusticeSec sus. ‘yan ka na naman sa slam dunk na ‘yan.

@Binay2016 why belittle my ability to fall in love? why can’t you just be happy for me?

@Galunggong ‘musta mama g? I will you call you later when you wake up. happy valentine’s day. 14344 5254! missing you so much.

@All4JuanPonce hey! i’m still awake. happy birthday! I can’t sleep. 4:30am here. tawag ka na daddy. #sad #alone #scared #when #will #we #see #each #other #again #hu #hu #hu

@Galunggong kailangang palamigin pa natin nang konti ang isyu. basta, ‘wag kang bibitaw. nandito lang ako. #YouandMeAgainsttheWorld love you. KIT!

@All4JuanPonce what’s KIT?

@Galunggong Keep In Touch hihihi

@All4JuanPonce baduy mo daddy! #oldschool hehehe

Hijo de pu… LORD! Why do you allow such debauchery? Why?!?

ito ang pnakaayaw kong pitsa sa lahat. valentines day. ang daming dapat bigyan ng flowers. pag di mo nabigyan, magtatampo. hayyy mga babae talaga! #pogiproblems

@Erapsyon pare, ikaw ang expert eh. ano bang mas ok ibigay kay @Galunggong darling ko: Flowers o chocolates?

@Tanda manong, sa mga panahong ito, hindi flowers o chocolates ang kailangan niya. ang importante: puso! #TangInaAngCheesyKo #AkoBaTalagaIto

Tumahimik ka na @Erapsyon! Kinikilabutan ako.

@ThePresidentNoy I hate you naaaa. You forgot my birthday palaaaa. Why? Busy ka ba sa love life mo!? As if! Aha-ha-ha!

@Krissy ‘Wag ka nga rito mag-tantrum. ‘Tawagan kita mamaya. Delete mo na ‘yang tweet mo! Nakakahiya.

@Vhongga pssst. kuya, umalis na c zeddrick. punta ka na sa condo. dala ka kropeck and duct tape tapos laruin ko flappy bird mo.

@DRealDniece ULOL!

Paramdam lang. Senador pa rin me 4 you’re information hihihi. Sarap kayang maging senador. Sarap matulog don, airconed hihihi hashtag jokesonly hihihihi

Humor Trumps Looks
According to a recent SWS study, in choosing a partner, 90 percent of adult Filipinos (both male and female) choose sense of humor over good looks. Those adult Filipinos are called liars.

For 2016?
DILG Secretary Mar Roxas has reportedly hired the services of an American political strategist to enhance his public image. The first step towards achieving this is to enhance Korina Sanchez’s image.

An unverified survey showed 1 out of 4 believed Jinggoy Estrada’s claim that he never pocketed a single centavo from his pork barrel allocation. That one was identified as Jinggoy Esrada.

A study conducted by University of Tennessee researchers found that four species of crocodiles can climb trees — which are nothing compared to a species of crocodiles in the Philippines which can run for public office.
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.”
~ Aesop

For making it that far, for making us all proud, for showing the world your immense talent, thank you Michael Christian Martinez!

Sound Bites
“I feel like a real champion.”
~Filipino Winter Olympian Michael Christian Martinez moments after making it to the Top 24

ruby jinggoy
“After I split from my husband, Mike Arroyo and I were not really you know talking because when I caught my husband (cheating) I burned all his clothes, all his things. I burned it all. All 100 pairs of his Italian shoes. All his suits and that got him (FG Arroyo) upset on why I did that. We had a falling out…Na upset sila sa akin. Buti nga hindi siya ang sinunog ko. Na cre-cremate siya nang buhay na buhay.”
~Socialite Ruby Tuason on ex-husband Butch Tuason and his first cousin Mike Tuason Arroyo

Have a safe weekend! Happy Valentine’s Day!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Reuters, Guyspeed.com, Rappler, Toonpool.com, PDI]