WHAT YOSI IS WHAT YOU GET


JUST SO YOU KNOW, last May 22, the International Day for Biological Diversity was celebrated in 11 countries around the world – from Algeria to the Philippines and from Ecuador to the United Kingdom. During the celebration, Ecuador opened its largest protected wildlife zone; Algeria reported the discovery of a new reptilian species, and the Philippines confirmed that koalas were no longer endemic to Australia.

Have you been following the investigation being conducted by the Lower House on the revelations of “koala boy” as regards the alleged poll fraud? Several defeated candidates from Luzon to Visayas and Mindanao divulged that unidentified men offered to rig the automated polls in their favor for a fee. But the candidates rejected the offer because the purported ‘koala boys’ wanted the payment to be made in Australian dollars.

This just in: Feisty senator Miriam Defensor Santiago has dared “koala boy” to reveal his identity. If not, the senator will reportedly unmask the political operator behind him. Malakas umano ang kutob ng senadora na si “koala boy” ay nagtatago ngayon sa isang “puno.”

Top 5 Revelations in “Koala Boy’s” New Video Allegedly Coming Out Soon

No. 5: That the original plan was for him to appear in a gecko suit but “it’s too hot in there”

No. 4: That homosexual voters actually voted in bloc but Comelec 2nd Division Commissioners Elias Yusoph, Nicodemo Ferrer, and Lucenito Tagle shaved off thousands of votes from ‘Ang Ladlad’ and Sen. Jamby Madrigal

No. 3: That an altered version of his video exposé will be released to discredit him. Wearing only black briefs and a red bandana tied around his head, the video shows ‘koala boy’ gyrating to Justin Bieber’s remake of ‘Careless Whisper’

No. 2: That he’s willing to reveal his true identity in Congress on condition that Makati City Rep. Teddyboy Locsin won’t call him “son of a bitch” on live TV

And the No. 1 revelation in “koala boy’s” new video allegedly coming out soon…

That Smartmatic’s Cesar Flores and Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal are “partners in crime” adding that both men fondly call each other “papa bear” in private.

In Other News…
Defeated Davao City mayoral candidate, and outgoing House Speaker Prospero Nograles has filed an electoral protest citing conspiracy on the part of his rival Sara Duterte and local poll officials. Saying he’s not sourgraping, Nograles insists he’s just after the naked truth.

Not Quitting
Noynoy Aquino says he won’t quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. Did you know what happened the last time he tried to stop smoking? He decided to run for president!

President-apparent Noynoy Aquino said he would not quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. For instance, this morning, he tried NOT to smoke. As a result, he had to grasp for an answer when his maid asked him, ‘Ser, iskrambol po ba o sony side up?”

Noynoy Aquino says he is not going to quit smoking because doing so might affect his decisions. For instance, on the day that he decided NOT to quit smoking, he was trying to quit smoking!

Top 5 Things to Tell Noynoy Aquino To Make Him Quit

No. 5: Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, ibubunyag nina Korina Sanchez, Diana Zubiri, Bernadette Sembrano, at Barbara Milano kung bakit sila nakipag-break sa ‘yo!

No. 4: Kapag ‘di ka tumitigil sa paninigarilyo, hindi kayo puwedeng mag-computer games ni Joshua.

No. 3: Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, magagalit si Papa Jesus!

No. 2: Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, ibabalik sa ‘yo ni Mar Roxas si Korina Sanchez!

And the No. 1 thing to tell Noynoy Aquino to make him quit…

Kapag ‘di ka tumigil sa paninigarilyo, ikaw ulit ang presidente from 2016 to 2022!

MVP and Meralco
Effective July 1, 2010, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan will become chief executive officer of the country’s largest power retailer Manila Electric Company. So don’t be surprised if you and your neighbors would have similar if not identical billing statements.

Effective July 1, 2010, PLDT Chairman Manuel V. Pangilinan will be the CEO of Meralco. Also on July 1, Meralco’s tagline, “May liwanag ang buhay” will be replaced with a new slogan, “Go, Meralco! One Big Light!”

Survey Says
Should President-apparent Noynoy Aquino appoint members of the Hyatt 10 or The Firm in key government posts?
SURE. They’re capable. 18.4%
NO! TAMA NA! They’ve had their time. 63.4%
Bahala siya sa buhay niya! 18.2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Noynoy’s ‘little president’

A Manila Standard Today Lifestyle columnist came up with his own list of the most admired TV journalists

ETHICAL

NTC vs. ABS-CBN
For airing an interview with wanted MILF leader Kumander Bravo, the National Telecommunications Commission filed a complaint to the KBP against ABS-CBN. The NTC says the network violated the KBP’s Broadcast Code of 2007 particularly the provision that states, “”broadcast facilities shall not be used or allowed to be used for advocating the overthrow of government by force or violence,” and “the broadcast of materials which tend to incite treason, rebellion, sedition or create civil disorder or disturbance is prohibited.” This marks the first time NTC officials filed such a complaint against ABS-CBN… which could only mean one thing: they haven’t actually listened to DZMM’s “Tambalang Failon and Sanchez.”

NTC vs. ABS-CBN II
The NTC filed a complaint to the KBP against ABS-CBN for airing an interview with rogue MILF leader Kumander Bravo who is wanted by the military. But ABS-CBN News head Maria Ressa insists that the Kumander Bravo interview is a legitimate and ethical story and that ABS-CBN will not suspend the airing of his interviews… unless he starts talking about Nadia Montenegro’s love life.

NTC vs. ABS-CBN III
ABS-CBN successfully located and interviewed rogue MILF commander Bravo who has a 10 million-peso bounty on his head and is wanted by the Armed Forces of the Philippines. Outraged military officials who watched the interview vowed to intensify the info gathering and massive manhunt for Bravo in the Lanao Provinces, and soon at the ABS-CBN newsroom.

Meralco’s Power Rate Hike
Amid difficult times, the Lopez-owned Manila Electric Company or Meralco implemented a 36 percent power rate increase. Militant leader Rafael Mariano described the increase as “deceitful.” Cong. Mikey Arroyo believed it was “unjustified.” ABS-CBN News said it was “legitimate and ethical.”

“Euro Generals” Controversy
Retired Philippine National Police director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz underwent normal arrival procedures at the NAIA when he arrived Tuesday. Airport manager Angel Atutubo said De La Paz was not treated as a VIP and not a single marshal was assigned to escort him. Atutubo was understandably being careful… because the last time he escorted someone out of the airport, the La Salle Brothers accused him of kidnapping!

“Euro Generals” Controversy II
This has yet to be confirmed but retired PNP director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz will reportedly bring to the Senate what’s left of the undeclared 6.9 million pesos cash he was caught carrying in Moscow. To be sure it’s the real stuff, Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago wanted to hire canines to sniff out the money. But Sen. Panfilo Lacson said there’s no need for a K9 unit… as long as Senators Alan Peter and Joker Arroyo are there.

“Euro Generals” Controversy III
Retired PNP director for comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz and DILG Sec. Ronaldo Puno have conflicting claims with regard to the 6.9 million pesos worth of undeclared cash De La Paz carried while in Russia. De La Paz said the money was a “cash advance” while Puno claimed it was a “contingency” fund. But De La Paz’ wife, Maria Fe who traveled with him to Russia said, “I couldn’t really tell whether it was a cash advance or a contingency fund because when my husband handed me the money, he just said, “Sweetheart, ingatan mo ‘to… pang-shopping!”

Jocjoc to be Deported
US authorities will deport former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante before the end of October. But Bolante’s legal counsel Ira Azulay refused to reveal the exact return date saying, “We’re concerned about his safety.” That’s actually a valid concern… because if he gets “kidnapped” when he arrives at the NAIA, he cannot expect support from the La Salle Brothers. He’s Atenean.

Jocjoc to be Deported 2
Lawyer Harry Roque is all over the news again announcing with certainty that former agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante will be deported in 24 hours. I know for a fact that Roque’s a UP professor (and I admire him) but I didn’t know he’s with the US Department of Homeland Security.

__________
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
– Plato

CONDUCT UNBECOMING

Bribery and the Court of Appeals
The Supreme Court dismissed Court of Appeals Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas for violating the Judicial Code of Conduct in connection with the bribery scandal involving the Manila Electric Company. Roxas was a bit saddened by the decision but was nonetheless thankful that finally, he’ll have plenty of time to spend the millions of pesos he received from the power firm.

Bribery and the Court of Appeals II
In connection with the bribery scandal at the Court of Appeals, the Supreme Court has dismissed Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas, to whom Meralco said, “O, wag nang manisi. Bayad ka na!”

Bribery and the Court of Appeals III
Associate Justice Jose Sabio, the original whistleblower in the Meralco bribery scandal, was found guilty of simple misconduct and conduct unbecoming of a justice of the Court of Appeals. He was suspended for two months without pay. Again, that’s without pay. Sabio has just sent a text message to businessman Francis De Borja saying any amount that he’ll offer will now be accepted.

Bribery and the Court of Appeals IV
In connection with the Meralco bribery scandal at the Court Appeals, Associate Justice Vicente Q. Roxas was dismissed; Associate Justice Jose Sabio was suspended; Presiding Justice Conrado Vasquez was severely reprimanded; Associate Justice Bienvenido Reyes was reprimanded, and Associate Justice Myrna Dimaranan-Vidal was admonished. Hats off to Meralco for successfully corrupting the judiciary!

In Other News…
All priests in the 91 parishes of San Fernando City, Pampanga vowed to help gather 1 million signatures against the Reproductive Health (RH) Bill. In fact, several couples have already expressed support for the anti-RH campaign. They just couldn’t sign right now because they’re having an orgy.

Of the Reproductive Health Bill, San Fernando Archbishop Paciano Aniceto said, “Let’s fight the culture of death. Let’s fight the anti-life conspiracy.” That statement was released 10 minutes after Archbishop Aniceto finished watching X-Files 2.

Top 5 Suggested Slogans Rejected by the Archdiocese of San Fernando for the Anti-RH Bill Campaign

5: Sa ikauunlad ng bayan, maraming bata ang kailangan!

4: Ang Utos ni Yahweh: Humiga at Magparami

3: Isang Milyong Lagda Para sa Isang Milyong Bata

2: Dare to Bare: No to Condom!

And the number 1 suggested slogan rejected by the Archdiocese of San Fernando for their anti-RH Bill campaign…

1: Sign Up for Sex!

Chavit’s Appointment
Chavit Singson has been appointed as deputy National Security Adviser… mainly because his bodyguards and escorts have already outnumbered the police force in the entire Luzon.

MV Princess of the Stars’ Captain
The Regional Disaster Coordinating Council in Central Visayas has confirmed that the missing captain of the ill-fated MV Princess of the Stars is dead… officially eliminating Sulpicio Lines’ last potential scapegoat.

Belo and BF
Celebrity cosmetic expert Vicki Belo and boyfriend Dr. Hayden Kho are reportedly heading towards splitsville. Rumors say youthful Hayden has not been seeing Vicki lately because of his very tight schedule. So tight that it’s reportedly even tighter than Vicki Belo’s face.

GIRL POWER


Forbes’ Most Powerful Women
According to the newly-released ranking of Forbes Magazine, President Arroyo is the 41st most powerful woman in the world today. Mrs. Arroyo was cited for having survived three impeachment attempts, three coup plots, and three bouts with upset stomach and diarrhea.

President Arroyo is the 41st most powerful woman in the world today. That’s 10 places higher than her previous position. The ranking was based on press mentions, economic growth, wealth, and in Mrs. Arroyo’s case, the ability to create a new nation within a nation.

President Arroyo is one of the most powerful women in the world today… to which the First Gentleman said, “Of course I know. ‘Coz she’s always on top!”

Tax Evader?
The Supreme Court junked actress Judy Ann Santos’ motion to review the tax evasion case filed against her by the Bureau of Internal Revenue in 2005. Sought for a reaction, Juday told the Philippine Daily Inquirer, “Ipapasa-Diyos ko na lang ito,” to which the Lord said, “Ipapasa na naman? Ano ka Meralco?”

Anti-Corruption Center
Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez says the first ever institution in Asia that will focus on the study of corruption will be built here in the Philippines… mainly because we can supply the most number of experts on the subject.

Meralco Refund
The Manila Electric Company will start giving meter deposit refund plus interest to an estimated 1.8 million Meralco residential customers in November. To complement Meralco’s pa-pogi and pa-underdog campaign, Judy Ann Santos will be asked to shoot another infomercial… in jail.

SIGNS


Top 5 Signs that A Member of the Court of Appeals Has Been Bribed (And Has Accepted It)

5: When he sees the 26 suitcase-bearing girls on Deal or No Deal, he refers to them as the 26-M.

4: He signs up as a member of the “Judy Ann Santos. I Believe.” fan club.

3: When you ask about his motto in life, he replies, “In the service of the Filipino people.”

2: He stops addressing fellow justices as “Compañero” and starts calling them “Kapamilya.”

And the No. 1 sign that a member of the Court of Appeals has been bribed (and has accepted it)…

1: His favorite pick up line goes, “Say yes to me and I promise, sa piling ko… may liwanag ang buhay.”

FAMOUS, INFAMOUS

null Unpopular

According to the Social Weather Stations, only 22% of Filipinos were satisfied with President Arroyo’s performance. The news did not come as a surprise to First Gentleman Mike Arroyo mainly because her performance has not satisfied him for years either.

Unpopular II

Only 1 out of 5 Filipinos are satisfied with President Arroyo’s performance… meaning, when she’s at the dinner table with the First Gentleman, Luli, Dato, and Mikey, she’s the only one satisfied with her performance.

Unpopular III

Dismissing President Arroyo’s historic-low approval rating, her allies stressed that the presidency is not about popularity, and cited her determination to fight poverty, corruption, and organizations like the Abu Sayyaf, the New People’s Army, and more recently, SWS and Pulse Asia.

GMA’s SONA

July 28, 2008 is a special day for both the administration and the opposition. President Arroyo will deliver her 8th State of the Nation Address on that day while the opposition is celebrating the 8th anniversary of its failure to unseat her.

Top 5 Rumors About President Arroyo’s Sona that Were Dismissed by Malacañang As Untrue

5: Her speechwriter refuses to review the draft speech because every time she does, she would always throw up.

4: People at the gallery who shall applaud her speech will get instant gas coupons per applause.

3: To show her empathy for the masses who are most affected by the skyrocketing cost of petroleum products, she’ll go to Batasan Complex on foot.

2: In 2001, she invited three Payatas children ak.a. “Bangkang Papel” boys to highlight her government’s campaign against poverty. This year, to underscore the government’s fight against terrorism, she has invited Jimmy Encarnacion, Angelo Valderrama, and Ces Drilon (minus the makeup).

And the No. 1 rumor about President Arroyo’s Sona that was dismissed by Malacañang as untrue…

1: Judy Ann Santos will deliver a speech right after the president’s Sona to explain the state of the nation further.

The Lucida-DS Case

United Shelter Health Products, the local distributor of the controversial Lucida-DS whitening drug refused to withdraw its products from the market and insisted that the Bureau of Food and Drugs’ claim that Lucida-DS contained insufficient glutathione was a mistake. Coincidentally, United Shelter has withdrawn its deal with Sen. Loren Legarda and insisted that the decision to get her as endorser was a mistake too.

Terrorists All?

Headline from Mindanao: Catholics in the South getting threats from suspected Abu Sayyaf
Headline in Manila: Pro-choice politicians getting threats from Catholic priests

Personal

Brian Gorrell, the controversial Australian-Canadian blogger and florist who exposed the debauchery and nefariousness of the so-called Gucci Gang has cited this blog in his recent blog post. His flattering compliment and endorsement have helped this site (The Professional Heckler) establish its own weekend readership record of sorts for the month of July. Thank you Brian. And keep on fighting.

TRAGIC

The Sulpicio Probe

The Board of Marine Inquiry (BMI) investigating the June 21 sinking of the MV Princess of the Stars is appealing to President Arroyo to give it another week to complete its probe. Mrs. Arroyo is reportedly keen on granting the request because she can empathize with the BMI. For years, she has been appealing to the public to give her another chance to complete her term.

Even before the Board of Marine Inquiry could finish its probe, congressmen entered the picture and started their own investigation into the sinking of MV Princess of the Stars. Now that’s tragic.

null Cebu Representative Antonio Cuenco defended the House inquiry, citing the “urgency” of the matter. Oh yeah, thanks for reminding us. It’s almost 2010.

Sulpicio vs. the Government null

Sulpicio Lines has sued the Board of Marine Inquiry accusing it of causing the negative publicity against the shipping company, resulting to a tarnished reputation, damaged business standing and the object of public contempt and ridicule. Sulpicio Lines’ owners are becoming more despicable each day, they start to make Meralco execs look like angels.

Sulpicio Lines says the Board of Marine Inquiry has caused and added to the negative publicity against the shipping company, resulting to a tarnished reputation, damaged business standing and the object of public contempt and ridicule. To cushion the impact of the bad publicity, Sulpicio Lines is seeking the help of Meralco’s PR specialists.

null Sulpicio vs. PAGASA

Sulpicio Lines has filed a 4 million-peso civil suit against PAGASA for wrongful weather forecast. Asked to comment on the civil suit, PAGASA Director Prisco Nilo said, “We didn’t see it coming. It was hard to predict.”

Losers in Government

GMA’s election lawyer, Romulo Macalintal said there’s nothing wrong with appointing election losers to executive posts. I agree. If you could have a defeated candidate as chief executive, why not poll losers in lower government offices?

null Pastors and Porn?

Manila Representative Bienvenido Abante and 11 other pastors of the Baptist organization Bible Mode sued the publishers of popular men’s magazines FHM (Summit Media) and Maxim (ABS-CBN Publishing) for supposed pornographic content. The pastors say the magazines “have no educational (or) artistic value, (and are) intended to draw lust and arouse prurient interest.” Apparently, the pastors have been reading those magazines. Otherwise, how in hell would they know so much about the content?

SULPICIO AND MERALCO

null
The M/V Princess of the Stars Disaster

The sinking of M/V Princess of the Stars was Sulpicio Lines’ fourth maritime disaster. To keep up with its reputation, the Chinese owner will rename the company soon, and call it Soulpicio Lines.

The pilot episode of Harapan, ABS-CBN’s new late-night show hosted by Korina Sanchez and Ted Failon asked the question: “Sino ang dapat sisihin sa paglubog ng M/V Princess of the Stars?” Sulpicio Lines claimed the Coast Guard allowed it to sail. The Coast Guard said PAGASA’s forecast wasn’t accurate. Ted and Korina believe Winston Garcia and the GSIS were to blame.

Top 5 “If Sulpicio Lines were Meralco” Statements

5: It would defy any Coast Guard order to postpone its trip.

4: It wouldn’t compensate surviving relatives of the victims unless the Supreme Court rules otherwise.

3: It would release a series of prints ads explaining that sea tragedies also happen in Cebu, Davao and other areas where commercial sea vessels operate.

2: It would use its radio and TV stations to criticize the typhoon.

And the No. 1 “If Sulpicio Lines were Meralco” statement…

1: Judy Ann Santos would be on television right now comparing a ship sailing in stormy seas to a melting block of ice.

ACTING PRESIDENT

null GMA in the US

President Arroyo signed a directive allowing Vice President Noli de Castro to assume the functions of the Office of the President during her 10-day trip to the United States. But the vice president explained he’d be able to act as president only for four days because the first six days, he’d spend reading and understanding the directive.

null While in the United States, President Arroyo is reportedly monitoring the typhoon in the country… something that’s almost impossible considering that even PAGASA- which is right there in QC couldn’t even monitor the storm!

Press Secretary Jesus Dureza says although President Arroyo is “concerned” about the weather situation in the Philippines, she would never cut short her US trip. In fact, she’s more concerned about Noli De Castro as acting president.

null Postscript to an Abduction

Police say the 5 million peso-ransom paid to the Abu Sayyaf group came from the Oreña family… which is actually good news because if it came from the Lopezes, your June 2008 Meralco billing might just give you a headache.

Authorities are investigating the chartered Seair flight which reportedly delivered two mysterious duffel bags at the Jolo airport the day Ces Drilon et al. were released. Police are checking on reports that one bag contained cash and the other… make-up kit.

Ces Drilon, her cameraman and a Mindanao university professor walked for almost six hours along with their abductors the night they were released. Actually, the kidnappers had an option to let them ride a jeep – if not for the high cost of gas.

Question: How would you know if the armed men who took you hostage are members of the Abu Sayyaf Group?
Answer: They do not address their leader as “boss” or “sir.” They call him “mayor.”

In Entertainment…

YES! Magazine has released its own list of the 100 Most Beautiful People (inspired by PEOPLE magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People). Under the “porcelain” category (recognized for their great skin), there’s Lucy Torres, Bea Alonzo, Lorna Tolentino, and Gretchen Barretto among others. And then there’s Vicki Zubiri, Tingting Cojuangco, Vicky Belo and Imelda Cojuangco under “plastics” category.

null Quotable Quote

“That cannot be. We own the bank!”
Gretchen Barretto when her credit card was declined at Dusit Hotel after having dinner with friends Ruffa Gutierrez and Pops Fernandez, and sister Marjorie Barretto. The controversial actress has since denied ever making that statement.

RANSOM

Abu Sayyaf Wants P15-M null

Abductors of reporter Ces Drilon, her cameraman, and a university professor are demanding 15 million pesos for their freedom. But Drilon’s employer – the Lopezes refuse to pay the ransom. They’ll just fight the abductors through a series of full-page newspaper ads.

null Indanan, Sulu Mayor Alvarez Isnaji was reportedly handpicked by the al-Qaeda-linked Abu Sayyaf to negotiate with the families of the kidnap victims. Isnaji is flattered. He wasn’t trusted that much when he was still with the Abus.

Mayor Alvarez Isnaji said he was able to talk to Ces Drilon who told him about the 15 million peso-ransom demand. Isnaji said Ces sounded very sad… mainly because she’s been in captivity for more than a week now and her stock of mascara is running out fast.

Mayor Isnaji told reporters that Ces Drilon appealed for her release saying she’s been feeling homesick already. Asked by Isnaji what she missed the most, Ces allegedly replied, “Rustan’s.”

This Just In! A new infomercial featuring Judy Ann Santos will be aired soon. The script has been leaked and we’re printing it here first! So here goes…

MERALCO REFUND
Radio 30s

MSC: UP AND UNDER

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Ang paniningil ng bills ng Meralco ay parang kidnapping lang.

SFX: OLD CLIPS OF CES DRILON DOING RADIO REPORTS

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Hindi mo namamalayan, inaagaw na pala sa ‘yo

SFX: CES’ FAMILY APPEALING FOR HER RELEASE

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Pero ang pagbabalik sa labis na singil, hindi dapat minamadali. May negosasyong kailangang gawin. May guidelines na dapat sundin.

SFX: SIREN UP AND UNDER

JUDY ANN SANTOS: Pero ‘wag kang mainip. Darating din ang rescue.

SFX: MORTAR, MACHINE GUNS

JUDY ANN SANTOS: ‘Yun nga lang. ‘Di mo sure kung buhay ka pa pagdating ng refund.

MSC: MERALCO THEME… MAY LIWANAG ANG BUHAY

Parasites

The Department of Health says 5 of 10 schoolchildren have intestinal worms. But that’s nothing compared to persistent rumors that 245 in 250 Batasang Pambansa offices have crocodiles.