UNDAS 2011


IT’S THAT ANNUAL tradition again. We remember the dead by visiting them in memorial parks. They actually have an option to visit the living but few people are happy with the idea.

Unfortunately, the Arroyos cannot just leave their homes and go to the cemetery. I heard Justice Secretary Leila De Lima wanted them to seek permission first.

Every Filipino Catholic family is expected to visit their dearly departed in the cemetery. Take that Marcos family!

Trick or treating is a Halloween tradition observed around the world. Yesterday, children in costumes visited the Times Street residence of President Aquino. The President gave candies and toys to every kid except for one who’s infamously known in neighborhood for being rebellious. So instead of candies and toys, the President gave him P5M.

This coming week, President Aquino will go to Manila Memorial Park to visit his parents. Susan Roces will be at the Manila North Cemetery to visit FPJ. Migs Zubiri will also go the cemetery to visit his political career.


Reports say the cost of flowers have gone up yet again. Militants are upset. Saying the price increase was unjust and anti-poor, they denounced the Big 3: Chrysanthemum, Orchids, and Roses.

Every Undas season, people love talking about scary places in the Philippines. There’s Quezon City’s Balete Drive; Baguio City’s Laperal White House, and the latest but scariest place of them all, the MILF’s “area of temporary stay.”

Also during Undas, people love sharing really scary stories. Here’s mine: Jacinto and Erlinda Ligot who have been ordered arrested for tax evasion are now missing! Awooooo!

IN THE NEWS…
The Department of Justice has indicted director and almost National Arist Carlo J. Caparas for tax evasion. I wonder when will he be indicted for making those awful movies.

Claudine/Raymart
Celebrity couple Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago have released a joint statement denying rumors they have separated. Claudine and Raymart insist they are committed to their marriage, to their children, and  to their product endorsements.

Claudine Barretto and Raymart Santiago have released a joint statement. A few weeks from now, Raymart is expected to “withdraw” the statement.
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“I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
~Bob Monkhouse

iGuess No. 1:
An incumbent member of the House of Representatives is showcasing strangeness on Twitter. It’s as if a person of multiple personalities has been posting those tweets. Weird. Is this congressperson on drugs?

iGuess No. 2:
A recent confrontation between a famous couple turned nasty. Wifey tried to attack hubby with a bladed weapon. Hubby tried to defend self. The fight was witnessed by one of wifey’s siblings who happened to be visiting the couple. Sibling tried to pacify incensed sister and was hurt instead. Hubby rushed sibling-in-law to the hospital. Clues: Wifey is related to a politician. Hubby is ‘from” South America.

Personal
October 29, 2011: Happy birthday to Mr. Eugenio Abunda Jr. You’re the best Kuya Boy! Maraming salamat!

Have fun! Enjoy your long weekend! Take care!

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KRISSY & OTHER STORIES

HERE’S ANOTHER batch of letters/inquiries from famous and not so famous people. Before I answer them though, let’s talk first to a very special guest who dropped by to say hi. Ladies and gentlemen, the most popular presidential sister in the world, Ms Kris Aquino…


Kris: Hi Bimb!
Heckler: Bimb? What’s Bimb mama?
Kris: Aha-ha-ha. Aminin mo Heckler, may recall ang TVC namin ni Bimby.
Heckler: What’s recall mama?
Kris: Stop it! Gosh! Hindi bagay sa ‘yo promise!
Heckler: Sige na nga! What brings you here?
Kris: Wala lang. Just wanted to say hello to your readers! Alam ko namang kapag ako ang topic mo, dumodoble sa unique hits ang blog mo. O, don’t deny! Aha-ha-ha! Pero ‘di naman ako magtatagal. I have to tape pa for KrisTV and then a meeting with UN people.
Heckler: Uy! Congratulations nga pala for being the newest United Nations High Commission on Refugees Goodwill Ambassador. Ikaw na talaga!
Kris: Thanks but let me clarify something! Angelina Jolie is the UNHCR Goodwill Ambassador. I am one of four honorary patrons. You talaga Heckler! Palpak ang research mo. Para kang si Jojo Robles ng Manila Standard Today! Hay naku! Think before you write!
Heckler: What’s the exact title again? Honorary matron?
Kris: Patron!!! Helloooooo! Mukha ba ‘kong matrona! I’m only 40 ‘noh! Kainis ka!
Heckler: Sorry po! I have a question nga pala Kris. You were quoted to have said na ayaw mo na sa guwapo, right?
Kris: Uh-huh.
Heckler: Tanong: May pag-asa na ba sa ‘yo si Mayor Junjun Binay?
Kris: You are so mean! Grabe ka! I swear! Wala akong sinabing pangit si Junjun huh!
Heckler: Bakit? May sinabi ba akong pangit siya?
Kris: Hellllow! Implied!
Heckler: Helllllow! Defensive!
Kris: Hay naku, late na ako sa taping! Ciao!
Heckler: What’s ciao mama? Hahaha
Kris: Ewan ko sa ‘yo! Bye!

And now, the letters…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Biktima na naman ako ng mga tsismosa. Ikinakalat nilang may naanakan akong estudyante. Bakit ba ginaganito nila ako? Ano bang mali ang nagawa ko?
Tuliro,
Pacman

Dear Pacman,
Nang sabihin mo last May na “Go to the world and multiply,” maraming nag-akalang si Jinkee ang ka-multiply mo! Hindi pala! ‘Yan ang napapala ng mga taong ayaw gumamit ng condom! ‘Buti nga sa ‘yo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Dalawampu’t dalawang taon na akong nag-u-Undas sa lupa. Kailan ako matatahimik? Hanggang kailan ako magtitiis?
Brrrrrrr,
Ferdinand

Dear Ferdinand,
If it’s any consolation, malamig ang kinaroroonan mo ngayon. Sakaling mailibing ka, napakainit ng iyong destinasyon. So, ano talaga ang mas gusto mo: nag-aapoy o nagyeyelo?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
My wife and I have been praying hard to have a baby pero wala pa ring success. Any tip?
Nag-aalala,
Mar

Dear Mar,
Aside from praying, what else is hard in you? Kung wala na, good luck na lang kay Korina.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na ipinagtanggol ng Department of Energy ang mga kompanya ng langis matapos na naman silang magtaas ng presyo ng mga produktong petrolyo. Anong klaseng tao ba ang mga ‘yan!?
Nagdududa,
Mamang Driver

Dear Mamang Driver,
Sila ang tinatawag na ‘lawyer’ at ang ginagawa nila ay ‘lawyering.’ Klaro?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Pansin ko lang, marami nang siyudad sa mundo ang nakikiisa sa Occupy Wall Street movement. Bakit parang sa Pilipinas po tahimik?
Nagtataka,
Mr. Bonleon

Dear Mr. Bonleon,
Bago pa man nauso ang Occupy Wall Street, matagal nang ginagawa ng mga hinayupak na buses ang Occupy Edsa. Tayo talaga ang nauna. Itanong mo pa kay Claire De La Fuente.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Never before has the entire judiciary, even in the days of martial law, been subjected to so much disrespect and lack of civility from sectors we sincerely consider to be our partners in nation-building. I say to them here and now: enough is enough!
Galit na,
Chief Justice

Dear Chief Justice,
Hindi muna ako magbibigay ng kumento. Baka kasi after 13 years, bawiin mo ang iyong mga sinabi. Inform me na lang kung final na ang statement mo. Thanks.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Si Christopher Lao, nagkaroon ng commercial after niyang mabiktima ng cyberbullying. Ako rin naman ‘di ba? Na-cyberbully din ako. Sa iyong palagay, magkaroon din kaya ako ng endorsement?
Plank!
Rep. Winnie Castelo
Quezon City

Dear Congressman Castelo,
The number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try your call later. The number you dialed is either unattended or out of coverage area. Please try your call later.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
May alam ako sa nangyaring dayaan noong 2004 elections. In fact, binayaran ako ng malaking halaga para mandaya sa Mindanao. Puwede rin ba akong tumestigo? Immunity muna.
Game na,
Taufik Adianto

Dear Taufik,
Ulol. Ano ‘to, trend? Nagsusulputan kayo ah! Ibalik mo muna ang suhol sa ‘yo saka ka humingi ng immunity! Kapal mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Nag-shopping ako noong weekend. Sale kasi. Grabe naman ang higpit ng mga guwardiya! Kung makahalukay sila ng bag, akala mo, may tinatago akong bomba. Tinarayan ko nga! Saksakan pa naman nang haba ang pila. Inabot kami ng siyam-siyam.
Imbyerna,
Timotea

Dear Timotea,
Siguro pangit ka! Ang arte mo eh! Para kanino ba ang mahigpit na seguridad sa malls ngayon? ‘Di ba para rin sa safety ng mga katulad mong shoppers? Pasalamat ka at hindi ako ‘yong guwardiya. Kung nagkataon, baka hindi lang bag mo ang hinalukay ko kundi pati ‘yang pagmumukha mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Ano ba ang tamang pronunciation: ‘Tee-veyyyy’ Patrol o simply, TV Patrol?
Curious lang,
Piolo

Dear Piolo,
Curious ka pa rin ba until now? Ang tagal na ah! To answer your question… ‘TV Patrol’ ang correct na basa do’n. Pero sabi nga, there is exception to every rule. Puwede mo lang gamitin ang ‘Teeee-vey’ o ‘T-Veeeey’ o ‘Teeee-veeeey’ Patrol kung ikaw ay dating bise presidente. Minsan kasi ang pagiging engot comes naturally. Nagkataong bagay sa kanya so hayaan na natin.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gano’n ba talaga ako kasama sa paningin ng publiko? Na parang wala na akong ginawang tama ni minsan? Na parang ako na ang pinaka-abusadong congressman? Na tila ako na ang pinaka-corrupt na ex-presidential son?
Pakisagot,
Mikey

Dear Mikey,
Oo.
Heckler
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“Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell.”
~Shana Alexander

Sex and Pacman
Manny Pacquiao tells Playboy magazine, he abstains from sex three weeks before a fight. Or even longer than that after a fight… with Jinkee.

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer: NAIA is world’s worst airport – poll

GMA News: Philippines is third most disastrous nation

Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay healthy and happy!

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STIMULUS

THE GOVERNMENT will spend an additional 72 billion pesos this year for key programs like poverty alleviation & housing, and infrastructure projects to boost the economy. President Aquino calls the 72-billion peso budget a “stimulus package” – or as contractors would say, “Merry Christmas!”

President Aquino has approved the release of a 72-billion peso stimulus package. Of the total figure, some 5.5 billion pesos will be spent by the DPWH for roads, bridges, flood control, and Photoshop seminars.

Unfortunately, the police and the military will not benefit from the stimulus package. To augment its arsenal of weapons though, the President has referred them to Ronald Llamas.

President Aquino has unveiled the needed stimulus for the economy. His next target is to find the needed stimulus for his own package.

FOCAP Forum
On Wednesday, a ‘candid’ President Aquino gamely answered questions from the members of the Foreign Correspondents Association of the Philippines or Focap. When asked about his love life, the President replied, “That is not my priority at this point in time.” To which ‘love life’ replied, “The feeling is mutual.”

Marcos Burial
President Aquino has spoken. He has rejected a hero’s burial for the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. Consider that a dead issue.

President Aquino will not allow a hero’s burial for the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos. Aquino just reminded everyone that he’s the country’s president, not Jejomar Binay.

Rumors say when Imelda Marcos heard about Aquinos’ decision, she rushed to the Marcos mausoleum. In front of her husband’s body, she cried and waxed poetic.

True Marcos Loyalist Movement chairperson Cherry Cobarrubias said, “Marcos is the true icon of democracy for declaring martial law.” She also believes that Snooki Polizzi is the most beautiful woman alive.

Mar & Korina
DOTC Secretary Mar Roxas admitted that he and wife Korina Sanchez “are trying very hard” to have a baby. He refused to elaborate on his stimulus plan.

Before his appointment was finally confirmed Wednesday, DOTC Sec. Mar Roxas was asked by Sen. Panfilo Lacson, “Totoo bang nagdadalang-tao si Korina?” Mar was about to answer when Lacson yelled, “Sasagutin natin ‘yan sa pagbabalik ng ‘The Buzz!’”

Lucky Bank
Four men tried but failed to rob the Masuerte Rural Bank of Bacoor in Cavite Thursday afternoon. The suspects peacefully surrendered to the police after taking hostage the bank’s eight employees and depositors. Moral of the story: Huwag manloloob ng bangkong masuwerte. Mamalasin kayo.

During the hostage crisis, one of the suspects, Johnny Gonzales negotiated their surrender through dzRH’ Deo Macalma. When the hostage crisis was over, Gonzales was thankful and felt extremely lucky that they talked to Deo and not to Erwin Tulfo.

Piolo & KC
Piolo Pascual and KC Concepcion have allegedly called it quits. OMG! Did anyone see that coming! Totally unexpected.
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“The trouble with a budget is that it’s hard to fill up one hole without digging another.”
~Dan Bennett

Quote of the Week
“If you just do a little checking, you will see that there is no basis for such an allegation and I’m sorry, I’m also human. I feel kind of insulted when I’m asked to disprove a non-event. And I think any of us given the same situation would also feel that way, why do I have to prove something that did not happen.”
~President Aquino’s response to a journalist who asked if there’s truth to persistent rumors he was playing video games during the Manila hostage crisis last year

You Have Spoken
Sa kontrobersyang kinasangkutan ni Presidential Political Adviser Ronald Llamas:
-‘Wag nang palakihin. Parusahan kung nagkamali ang security aides. Move on. 41.51%
– Dapat siyang mag-resign. 50.94%
– Wala akong pakialam. 7.55%

Enjoy the rest of the week! Ingat!

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Bonus: Your weekly horoscope for October 12-19, 2011!

HOLY SMOKE!

No to Smoking
May 31 is World No Tobacco Day. To draw attention to the negative effects of smoking, the Department of Health will hold public forums on lung cancer, respiratory diseases, aging, and President Aquino’s lovelife.

No to Smoking II
Starting Monday, the MMDA will strictly implement Republic Act 9211, which prohibits smoking in public places. Violators will be fined 500 pesos on first offense. Public places include hospitals, government offices, schools, bus & jeepney terminals, loading and unloading bays, public playgrounds, plazas, and churches. Apparently, if you’re a heavy smoker, the only safe place for you is Malacañang.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring President Aquino and his Cigarettes

No. 5: Bakit Ngayon Ka Lung Cancer?

No. 4: The Joy Halak Club

No. 3: Dude, Where’s my Tar?

No. 2: All the President’s Phlegm

And the No. 1 movie remake starring President Aquino and his cigarettes…

The Good, the Bald, and the Smelly


Marcos’ Burial
Vice President Jejomar Binay has finished conducting a survey on the issue of whether former president Ferdinand Marcos’ refrigerated body should be buried or not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus zero degrees Centigrade.

Erap in Manila
A tabloid report says former president Joseph Estrada is running for mayor of Manila in 2013. But critics say that’s not possible since Erap is a resident of San Juan. Estrada has clarified the report though saying he’s not running in Manila but in the ARMM!


ARMM Polls
Socialite and former Tarlac governor Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco said her nephew, President Aquino could not stop her from seeking the vice gubernatorial post in the ARMM. Just so you know, Tingting Cojuangco’s a feisty woman. Not even her husband Peping could stop her from getting those Botox injections.

New Rep
Ryan Luis Singson has been elected representative of Ilocos Sur’s first district replacing his jailed brother, Ronald. Unlike his Kuya, Ryan is said to be younger, gentler, and a lot more careful when in Hong Kong.

Grand Lotto
Nobody has won the 320 million-peso jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto. The PCSO says bettors have a bigger chance of winning this time mainly because Inquirer reporter Miko Morelos has stopped placing bets.

Noon, Ngayon
Noon: Ang bilanggo, dinadalaw.
Ngayon: Ang bilanggo, dumadalaw.

Noon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, naliliwanagan.
Ngayon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, nagwu-walkout.

Noon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: administrasyon at oposisyon.
Ngayon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: Balay at Samar sa posisyon.

Noon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng oppositionists!”
Ngayon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng columnists!”

Noon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa diyaryo.
Ngayon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa kanyang speech.
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“The best way to stop smoking is to just stop – no ifs, ands or butts.”
~Edith Zittler

Old Joke
Use Philip, Marlboro, Hope, and Champion in a sentence.
Answer: Philip kitang hinahanap, nasa Marlboro country ka lang pala; Hope!!! ‘Wag kang tatakas! Champion ka talaga!

-Naknampoodle, saksakan nang corny!

You Have Spoken
On Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s “Pay to Stay” proposal for rich prisoners:
– Sure! Para naman kumita ang gobyerno. 20.46%
– Tutol ako d’yan. Ano sila sinusuwerte? 74.59%
– Pag-aaralan ko muna. 4.95%

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Have a safe and fun week ahead!