“HELLLOOO!”

Dial M for Manoling:
An Exclusive (Almost) Tell-All Interview

You’ve seen him on TV, heard on the radio and read in the papers. But there’s nothing quite like this conversation. The Professional Heckler asked our guest questions people have been wanting to ask but couldn’t. Read on.

Heckler: Good evening sir.
Manoling: Helloooo!

Heckler: Nagmamadali ba kayo sir? Don’t worry, I only have five questions. This will be short.
Manoling: No, no, no. It’s ok. I prefer it long. Hellooo!

Heckler: Haha Funnier pala kayo sir in person. Akala ko sa TV lang.
Manoling: Depende ta mood ko. I mean sa mood ko. Sorry. Nabulol ako bigla.

Heckler: Unang tanong, ano ho ba talaga ang M sa “Dial M?”
Manoling: Thank you for asking that. Lagi nga akong iniintriga dahil sa letter M na ‘yan eh. Akala ng iba it stands for “Manoling.” May nagsabi pa ngang baka raw “Mahadera” o “Madaya.” That’s preposterous and insulting. Hellloooo! Hindi ako madaya! The program was produced primarily to guide the lotto bettors. The letter M in Dial M stands for “Mananaya.” It was a show of the people, for the people, by the people. Sila ang inspirasyon namin sa programang ito.

Heckler: Tumataya ho ba kayo sa lotto?
Manoling: Hellooooo! For me to bet on the lotto is tantamount to depriving the poor an opportunity for a better life. That’s cruel. Para que pa at nag-host ako ng public service program kung kakalabanin ko ang mahihirap? Do you get the logic hijo?

Heckler: Bakla ho ba kayo?
Manoling: Just a minute hijo. May tumatawag yata sa aking telefono. Hello? Yes, Maggie… Ah no. No, Maggie, ‘di kita puwedeng ilaglag. Yes, yes, Helloooo BFFs remember? Yes… yes. O sige Maggie, bye!

Heckler: Maggie De La Riva sir?
Manoling: Ah, no. That’s Magi Gunigundo, nagkamali ng dial. Kinausap ako…  eh ‘di kinausap ko rin. Tanga lang. By the way, you were asking something about the Senate hearing?

Heckler: Ahm, no sir. Ang question ko po, bakla ho ba kayo?
Manoling: ‘Yan ba talaga ang tanong mo before the phone call? I think hindi ‘yan eh. Can you verify sa ‘yong questionnaire?

Heckler: Ito na lang po: Sino ang ibinoto n’yong presidential candidate noong 2010?
Manoling: Hellooooo! Siyempre si Noynoy!

Heckler: Pero sir, kitang-kita ang ebidensya sa “Dial M.” You were blatantly campaigning for Gilbert Teodoro.
Manoling: Helloooo! It doesn’t necessarily follow. Bakit si Erap? Ikinampanya si Binay sa buong Pilipinas pero hindi niya ibinoto? ‘Tsaka si former President Arroyo! Gibô sa kampanyahan, Villar sa halalan. Hellooo!

Heckler: Baka naman nagpapalusot lang kayo Sir dahil may electioneering case na against you?
Manoling: I’ve said this before and I am saying this now, Dial M was a comedy show, a gag show. We were merely playing our respective roles sa programa. Effective lang talaga ang portrayal namin ni Maggie. Helllloooo!

Heckler: Sir, I heard good swimmer ho kayo. Hypothetical lang po: kung nasa isang papalubog na bangka kayo with Mrs. Margie Juico and Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile. Sino ang sasagipin mo?
Manoling: Mali ang research mo hijo. I don’t swim.

Heckler: Sa isang episode ng “Dial M,” na-mention n’yo po na sinungaling si Sen. TG Guingona at si Sen. Chiz naman, mahilig magpa-cute. Ano po bang…
Manoling: Dear Lord! Hindi pa ba tapos ang isyung ‘yan? I have apologized to both of them Mother of Christ! If they’re not satisfied, sige, luluhod ako sa harapan nila. Kahit sabay pa! Sabihin lang nila kung kailan at saan, kung ‘yon lang ang paraan upang mapatawad nila ako, sige luluhod ako!

Heckler: Maiba ho ako. Mainit hong pinag-uusapan ang “Poleteismo” ni Mideo Cruz. Ano ho ang masasabi n’yo sa exhibit na ‘yon?
Manoling: I was shocked and I was offended. It was repugnant. It was repulsive. It was insensitive. Tama ba namang lagyan ng ari ang Kristong Hari? I mean, phallic-worship is not uncommon these days; and I’m not speaking from personal experience, pero wala naman sanang bastusan ng religious images and symbols. Nakakapangilabot!

Heckler: Almost 78 na ho kayo. Kumusta ho ang sex life n’yo?
Manoling: Grabe ka naman hijo. Masyado kang judgmental. Si Kuya Germs nga, active pa, ako pa kaya na mas mukhang bata. Let’s leave it at that. Helllooo!

Heckler: Napuntahan n’yo na ba ang Wikipedia? Familiar ho ba kayo do’n?
Manoling: I have heard about it pero sa edad kong ito, nakakapagod nang bumiyahe.
Heckler: Hindi po lugar ‘yon. It’s a free online encyclopedia. Anyway, you were quoted to have said that you “have taken a vow of celibacy.” Are you still a virgin sir?
Manoling: My god! Why are you asking all these questions!? You’re invading my privacy! Helllooo! Just so you know hijo, the last time someone attempted to “invade” my privates, I mean, my privacy, hindi ako nasiyahan. Pinalayas ko! So pleeeease, tama na.

Heckler: Sorry for that Sir. Nabanggit po ninyo sa Senado na hinding-hindi na kayo tatanggap ng kahit anong posisyon sa gobyerno?
Manoling: That’s correct! Never!

Heckler: Eh kung 100 thousand per month ang suweldo?
Manoling: Never!

Heckler: 100 thousand + luxury car?
Manoling: Ayoko!

Heckler: 100 thousand + luxury car + condo unit?
Manoling: ‘Di ko kailangan ang mga ‘yan!

Heckler: 100 thousand + luxury car + condo unit + a date with John Lloyd Cruz and Coco Martin?
Manoling: Anong posisyon ba ‘yong ino-offer?
Heckler: Ay, wala po. Hypothetical lang.
Manoling: Helllooo!
-END OF INTERVIEW-

The Pacquiaos and Paris
Congressman Manny Pacquiao had dinner with socialite and heiress Paris Hilton Tuesday night. My sources say Pacman discussed his stance on poverty, reproductive health, divorce, and religion. The socialite was surprised. Pacman has more ‘positions’ than her.

Top 6 Things Overheard at the Dinner Hosted by the Pacquiaos for Paris Hilton

No. 6: “Drinks ma’am? Juice, iced tea?” “Thanks! But I want a blow job honey!”

No. 5: “Hi Pares. Call me Mommy D for tonight onli. Is this you olredi? Pastilan! Malaswaaaa! Ikaw nga ang babaeng malaswaaa!”

No. 4: “You know what Jinkee, you remind me of my old film. Have you seen ‘House of Wax?’”

No. 3: “So tell me something about your president. Is he cool?”

No. 2: “Paris, this is my friend, Governor Chavit. He’s like your old California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. You know… many wifes. Many childrens.”

And the No. 1 thing overheard at the dinner hosted by the Pacquiaos for Paris Hilton…

“I see you in the old movie of yours. Hihihi But it’s dark. I heard onli the ungol. You know what is ungol? It’s like this, ‘Ooohng, oh, oooooohhng. Oh aaahhhh!’ That’s ungol in layman’s term. You know.”

Brothers Arroyo
According to Negros Occidental Rep. Ignacio “Iggy” Arroyo, his brother, former First Gentleman Mike Arroyo did not own the used choppers sold to the PNP. The helicopters, he claimed, were only “leased” to the Arroyo firm, LTA, Inc. Ano ba’ng palagay ng magkapatid na ‘yan sa publiko? Elesi? Eh bakit pinapaikot nila tayo?

The Jose Pidal account then, the controversial choppers today. The younger brother of former First Gentleman Jose Miguel Arroyo is taking up the cudgels for him yet again. Or as Will Smith would say, “Getting Iggy With It.”

GMA Update
According to Dr. Juliet Gopez-Cervantes of the St. Luke’s Medical Center they did not advise former President Arroyo to seek medical treatment abroad. This is contrary to the earlier statement issued by Dr. Raul Lambino.

Setback
A Mandaluyong City judge has issued a 20-day TRO on the enforcement of the MMDA’s no-smoking policy on roads and major thoroughfares. MMDA chairman Francis Tolentino calls it a “setback.” The judge calls it “payday.”
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“The younger brother must help to pay for the pleasures of the elder.”
~ Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

Personal
You can still vote for The Professional Heckler a.k.a. Loi Reyes Landicho in the Tatt Awards: Word Slayer category. There are other great finalists in the category, vote for them too. Ten categories, 50 finalists. Vote now!

You Have Spoken
Sa rumor na makikipagkita si Paris Hilton kay Pangulong Aquino, ano ang masasabi mo?
-Sure, why not? Baka makatulong sa turismo at negosyo. 21.63%
-One word: CHEAP! 46.94%
-Wala akong pakialam. 31.43%

Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay healthy.

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CATS, PRAISES


Pacman Returns
Manny Pacquiao is back in the Philippines after last week’s big event in Las Vegas – his encounter with Paris Hilton.

Reports say the Pacquiao-Mosley event lured the second biggest crowd (16,412) among Pacquiao’s bouts in Las Vegas. It also set a Guinness World Record for ‘most watched sparring session.’

Congressman Manny Pacquiao and his wife attended a thanksgiving Mass in Manila Saturday morning. As expected, security was tight at the Quiapo Church. The only thing tighter was Jinkee’s face.

Manny Pacquiao has denied using steroids while training for his fight. For God’s sake, he couldn’t even use his wife!

Cat Killer
A UP student who killed a cat in 2009 was found guilty of animal cruelty. The judge rejected his defense that he was a battered rat in his past life.


UP physics major Joseph Carlo Candare was found guilty of animal cruelty and was slapped with a 2,000-peso fine. Likewise, the judge barred him from eating siopao for the rest of his life.

After being found guilty of animal cruelty, Joseph Carlo Candare is now serving his sentence – two months of volunteer work for the Philippine Animal Welfare Society or PAWS where he’s tasked to take care of some 200 cats. Sa mga pusa d’yan sa PAWS… ingat!

Confirmed
President Aquino confirmed Friday that his defeated runningmate, former senator Mar Roxas would be his chief of staff. The President clarified though that Korina Sanchez would still be Mar’s ‘commander-in-chief.’

Osama’s Stash
The US Navy SEALs reportedly found a diary in Osama bin Laden’s compound. It revealed, among other things that his real parents were Alvira and Amante Del Valle.

Confiscated photos of Osama bin Laden’s medicine cabinet revealed he took herbal Viagra. Another confiscated photo showed three happy-looking camels.

Pornographic videos were also discovered in the al-Qaeda leader’s compound. One of the titles found was “Osama bin Hayden.”

De Lima Declines
Justice Secretary Leila De Lima is not interested in replacing Merceditas Gutierrez as Ombudsman. And that’s understandable. It’s like replacing Osama bin Laden in al-Qaeda.

Dangerous
According to Forbes.com, the world’s most dangerous places are Afghanistan and Iraq. In third place is Commonwealth Avenue in Quezon City.

Big Rollback
Oil companies have just implemented a bigger oil price rollback… surprising motorists, and fueling speculations that the reported Judgment Day on May 21 is true.

Modernong Talasalitaan
Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o mabago depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

>>Civil disobedience: Weapon of mass distraction. Isang paraan upang ilayo ang diskusyon sa merito ng isyu | See ‘blackmail.’

>>Chief of Staff: See ‘Prime Minister.’

In China…
Shanghai City is setting a limit of one-dog per family. In protest of the policy, Chinese dog lovers have threatened to lead a civil disobedience campaign.
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“It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.”
~Chinese Proverb

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