3 10 2010

President Aquino’s First 100 Days in Office

June 30:
– Experienced the longest limousine ride of his life with his former economics teacher
– Took his oath of office
– Declared war against the “wangwang”
– Committed his first ever mistake: the issuance of the confusing Memorandum Circular No. 1
– Sang a pitchy version of “Estudyante Blues” at a street party

July 1:
– Re-issued the “fine-tuned” Memorandum Circular No. 1
– Palace spokesman argued with reporters and refused to call it a “boo-boo”

July 4:
– Did some target shooting in Antipolo City with his future brother-in-law Junjun Binay

July 9:
– Appointed Jesse Robredo as secretary of “DILG” but failed to inform the public that Robredo would be in charge only of the LG leaving the DI to another shooting buddy

July 13:
– Partied with the Malacañang Press Corps
– Sang a song and scored 85. Outside, a heavy downpour.
– Sang another song, scored 78. Outside, strong winds blew from the northeast.
– Typhoon Basyang hit Metro Manila

July 14:
– Stormed the NDCC office and reprimanded PAGASA for its “failure” to accurately predict the path of Typhoon Basyang
– Went back to the palace, logged on to Facebook and deleted from his list of friends PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo

July 22:
– While angry mobs busted pipes; schools suspended classes, and people fought over a pail of water, government announced that there was ‘no water crisis’

July 26:
– Played safe in his first State of the Nation Address: no major promises
– Admitted that the government was almost bankrupt and blamed the Arroyo administration
– Exposed the excesses of MWSS executives

July 27:
– Played fair. Announced the appointment of Balay Group’s Ricky Carandang and Samar Group’s Herminio Coloma to the Presidential Communications Group

July 31:
– In agony, watched his sister Kris as she announced on TV her admiration for Junjun Binay
– Phoned Junjun Binay and apologized for his sister’s “usual” behavior

August 6:
– To everyone’s surprise, fired Dr. Prisco Nilo of PAGASA

August 23:
– Hostage crisis happened
– Performed a disappearing act
– Isko Moreno took over.

August 24:
– Re-appeared on TV shortly after midnight and answered questions on the hostage crisis
– Smiled during the press con

August 26:
– Censored his Facebook Like Page following a barrage of angry, racist, and obscene comments from Hong Kong Chinese nationals, and Filipinos as well
– Dr. Prisco Nilo clicked “Unlike”

August 27:
– An intoxicated Little President reportedly spotted at the Manila Peninsula lobby with a has-been singer-actress

August 31:
– Welcomed Miss Universe 4th Runner Up Maria Venus Raj to Malacañang

September 1:
– Palace spokesman denied existence of factions in Cabinet
Peks man? Cross your heart and hope to die?

September 3:
– Without a single official taking responsibility for the botched hostage rescue, he apologized (11 days after the incident); saving everyone’s asses in the process

September 7:
– Revealed differences with Jesse Robredo (We knew it!)
– Enrico Puno’s popularity (or infamy) surged

September 9:
– No holds barred interview with three generations of TV news anchors: Mel Tiangco, Ted Failon and Paolo Bediones
– Foolishly admitted on live TV that he received an insulting letter from Hong Kong
What were you thinking?!

September 13:
– Sworn in members of the so-called “Truth Commission”
Isang malaking good luck!

September 13:
– Ordered the PNP and the DILG to eradicate jueteng, and then declared: “Tapos na ang maliligayang araw nila!”
Isa pang malaking good luck!

September 14:
– Challenged Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz to name his two trusted aides who were allegedly receiving jueteng payola
– Vowed to penalize the two aides. His exact words: “Pasensiyahan tayo, walang awang mangyayari!”

September 17
– Received a copy of the IIRC Report on the hostage crisis
– Released the full report to the Chinese
– Released a portion of the report to the Filipinos

September 20
– Left for the United States with BFF Mar Roxas

September 21:
– Archbishop Oscar Cruz identified the president’s shooting buddy Enrico Puno and former PNP chief Jesus Versoza as “ultimate recipients” of jueteng payola
– Archbishop Cruz revealed “’Yong asawa ni Barretto” visited and ordered him to “go easy” on the president’s shooting buddy

September 23:
– Spent $54 on hotdogs on a New York sidewalk with BFF Mar Roxas and another Balay Group member Cesar Purisima,

September 24:
– Told the press he would not sack Enrico Puno (See September 14 entry; second line)… because the man is entitled to “due process” (See August 6 entry)
– Delivered an address at the UN General Assembly with some 20 official UN representatives in attendance

September 24:
– “Yong asawa ni Barretto” denied telling Archbishop Cruz to “go easy” on the President’s shooting buddy; lectured the media on news gathering and reporting

September 25:
– Spent seven minutes with Barack Obama
First world leaders get 15 minutes

September 25:
– Lito Lapid filed a bill limiting the weight of children’s bag

September 28:
– Returned to the Philippines with US$2.4 billion new investments
– Distributed a bar of chocolate each to his sisters, and a “secret gift” (read: wala) to his girlfriend

September 29:
– Shalani Soledad denied rumored breakup with the President
(May alam kami.)

September 30:
– (Almost) excommunicated!
(‘Di pa man nakakasal, excommunicated na. Patay tayo d’yan!)

October 1:
– Palace spokesman gave the Aquino administration a passing mark for its first three months in office
(Love your own!)

The honeymoon period is done.
100 days are gone.
2,090 days to go.
2016: Are we there yet?
“There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”
~Will Rogers

Survey Says
Prangkahan na! Saan ka:
– All-out war laban sa jueteng! 37.09%
– Legalize it! 50.63%
– Kahit ano. Bahala na. 12.28%

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22 09 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Charo Santos has canceled her plan to feature the life story of DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno on the next episode of “Maalaala Mo Kaya.” The creative team is having a hard time drafting the script because, apparently, walang maalaala si Usec Puno.

The Senate Hearing
In Tuesday’s Senate hearing, DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno failed to identify the jueteng emissaries (some of whom were even his “friends”) who approached him saying he couldn’t remember any of their names. For the next hearing, the Senate plans to invite a doctor to determine if jueteng can cause amnesia.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz named DILG Undersecretary Enrico Puno as one of the “ultimate recipients” of jueteng payola, allegedly receiving as much as 8 million pesos a month. Sought for comment, Puno said he couldn’t remember if he got 8 million pesos or less, or if he even got any.

Amid calls for his resignation, Undersecretary Puno told reporters, “Wala pa naman akong ginagawang mali.” Well, wala ka pa ring ginagawang tama!

For those who missed Tuesday’s Senate hearing, here are some excerpts:

Senator Enrile: Sinu-sino ang mga lumapit sa ‘yo na nagtangkang makipag-set ng appointment?
Usec Puno: In passing lang naman po ang pagbanggit nila. Pero wala pong direktang pag-uusap tungkol sa jueteng.
Senator Enrile: Kaya nga! Name names!
Usec Puno: Sa sobrang dami nga po, wala na akong maalala. Basta, sobrang dami nila.

Senator Legarda: Sabi mo kanina, friends mo sila. So dapat kilala mo. Gusto naming malaman, sinu-sino sila?
Usec Puno: Actually, friends ko lang po sila sa Facebook kaya hindi ko na maalala ang mga pangalan. Talaga pong napakarami nila.
Senator Enrile: Sinu-sinong jueteng operators ang nagpadala ng emisaryo sa ‘yo?
Usec Puno: Ang dami kasi nila. Wala na rin po akong maalala.
Senator Enrile: Nakakapikon ka na! Kung cross-examination ito, talo ka na. Ako, lawyer ako. Ikaw lawyer ka ba?
Usec Puno: Hindi po. Ako po’y isang farmer.
Senator Enrile: Okay. Sige. Ito na lang ang tanong ko: anu-anong mga halaman na ang naitanim mo?
Usec Puno: Naku, sobrang dami na po. Hindi ko na maalala.
Senator Legarda: Kahit isang uri ng halaman, hindi mo na matandaan?
Usec Puno: ‘Yon nga po eh. Napakarami po nila. Talagang ‘di ko na maalala.
Senator Enrile: Sabi mo sa ANC, very close ka sa ating Pangulo at ikaw ang hingahan niya ng problema. Ang tanong ko: bakit ‘di ka kasama ni Pangulong Aquino sa Amerika?
Usec Puno: Sino po ‘yon? ‘Di ko na siya maalala.
Senator Enrile: Usec Puno, I’m reminding you that you are under oath!
Usec Puno: Talaga po?? Sorry, ‘di ko naalala.
Session Suspended.
End of transcript.

More Revelations
According to Archbishop Cruz’ report on jueteng, DILG Undersecretary Rico Puno, former PNP Chief Jesus Versoza, and retired Senior Supt. Rey Cachuela were collectively known as the “Three Kings” – which was really ironic because they’re the ones who receive gifts.

Pampanga Governor Lilia Pineda, wife of jueteng lord Bong Pineda claims there is no jueteng in her province. This woman has a future in comedy. To say that there’s no jueteng in Pampanga is like saying there’s no Mayon Volcano in Albay.

Pangasinan Governor Amado Espino Jr., Baguio City Mayor Mauricio Domogan, and Isabela Rep. Paul Dy who were also identified by Archbishop Cruz as jueteng operators all denied the allegation and insisted that there’s no jueteng in their respective areas. Oo na! Sige na! Maniniwala na kami. Hindi totoo ang jueteng. Gawa-gawa lamang ito. Kathang-isip. Isang ilusyon. Bunga ng malikot na imahinasyon! Kabalintunaan! Walang jueteng! Wala! O, masaya na kayo?

Tony Boy’s Request
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz revealed that four days before the hearing, President Aquino’s second cousin, businessman Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco told him to “go easy” on his jueteng exposé. The archbishop said he didn’t promise to accede to Cojuangco’s request. Instead, he advised Tony Boy to tell his partner Gretchen Barretto to “go easy” on Botox.

Postscript: Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz has denied rumors that before senators were given a copy of his report on jueteng, a copy was submitted first to the Chinese Embassy.

The IIRC Report
Malacañang did not release the full report of the Incident Investigation and Review Committee on the August 23 hostage crisis. But anyone who wants to have a copy of the complete report may personally go to Malacañang. Just present a Chinese passport.

The IIRC recommended the filing of charges against DILG undersecretary Enrico Puno for mishandling the August 23 hostage crisis. Sought for reaction, Puno said, “Hostage crisis? Kelan ‘yon?”

Did you see Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim’s outburst on TV? That was classic. Apparently, the mayor has learned a lot from his vice mayor.

Defending his deputy, Mayor Lim said, “Ang pakiusap ko lang ho, alisin n’yo na lang si Vice Mayor Isko Moreno sa idedemanda. Ako na lang ho ang idemanda n’yo.” Reacting to Lim’s statement, Moreno said, “Kapag nakulong siya, magpapakulong din ako. Magsama na lang kami sa oblo (loob).” At that moment, the blood pressure of Manila’s No. 1 councilor shot up due to excitement.

On Mayor Lim’s statement, Vice Mayor Isko Moreno said, “Kapag nakulong siya, magpapakulong din ako. Magsama na lang kami sa oblo (loob).” Dahil dyan, may nag-texxxxxt! “Akala ko ba ako lang?! Hmpf! – Kuya Germs.”

In a press conference Tuesday, a very emotional Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim contested the report of the IIRC that conducted an investigation into the August 23 hostage incident. But before members of the press could ask some questions, Lim excused himself and said, “Hindi pa kasi ako nagla-lunch.”
“Gambling is the son of avarice and the father of despair.”
– French Proverb

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, matitigil kaya ang jueteng sa ilalim ng administrasyong Aquino?
– Oo naman. Political will lang ang kailangan. 15.59%
– Imposible! Sus, asa pa! 56.44%
– Legalize it na lang! 27.97%

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14 09 2010

Jueteng Payola
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, an anti-illegal numbers game crusader revealed that two trusted officials of President Noynoy Aquino have been receiving at least 2 million pesos in monthly payola from jueteng operators. Cruz did not confirm rumors that one official belongs to the Balay Group while the other, to the Samar Group.

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno admits receiving feelers from gambling operators asking how to operate jueteng under the Aquino administration. The negotiations failed though because Puno was “not trained to handle such situation.”

President Aquino has reportedly ordered Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo to come up with a comprehensive plan to wipe out jueteng in the country. The plan is expected to be in place before Robredo is wiped out from the Cabinet.

Reports say jueteng emissaries have tried to approach Rico Puno. See?!? Even gambling operators know who the “real” DILG secretary is.

Puno’s Suggestions
Interviewed on ANC, Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno suggested three names for DILG: retired PNP Chief Jesus Versoza, defeated Manila mayoral candidate Avelino Razon, and Davao City’s Rodrigo Duterte. Puno is so close to the President, he’s not just a DILG undersecretary, he has also become the head of the palace search committee.

Hostage Fiasco and Tourism
The government says the August 23 hostage fiasco in Manila affected only 3 percent of local tourism… and 97 percent of President Aquino’s relationship with Sec. Jesse Robredo.

No Conspiracy
The IIRC panel that investigated the August 23 hostage crisis has ruled out the possibility that bus driver Alberto Lubang has conspired with hostage taker Rolando Mendoza. But the panel is not ruling out yet the alleged conspiracy between Lubang’s nail file and Mendoza’s handcuffs.

NPC vs. Ang See
The National Press Club criticized IIRC panel member Teresita Ang See for blaming RMN’s Michael Rogas and Erwin Tulfo during the clarificatory hearings on the recent hostage fiasco. The NPC was reportedly surprised when they heard Ang See’s outburst… although Ang See was more surprised when she heard that there’s still such a thing as NPC.

Truth Commission
Members of the Truth Commission have taken their oath before President Aquino. The commission is expected to finish its job in two years. Malacañang did not reveal each member’s salary rate but the President was heard telling them, “Remember: no truth, no commission.”

Government Wins vs. Marcoses
The government has won a 10 million-peso lawsuit against Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos. It was the government’s first win in 10 million cases against the Marcoses.
“I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind.”
~Steve Allen

To the mother of this baby who was found in a trash bin of a Gulf Air flight that landed in Manila on Sunday, I don’t wanna judge you this early but still… shame on you!

More Personal: I was there!
Congratulations to the winners of the 2010 UAAP-Samsung Cheerdance Competition. The top three teams were clearly in a different league this year. The final ranking:
Champion: UP Pep Squad – 440.9 points (Wohoo!)
1st Runner Up: FEU Cheering Squad – 421.4 points (My personal fave)
2nd Runner Up: UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe – 407.5 points (Thanks to the UP-friendly crowd)
Fourth: Ateneo Blue Babble Battalion (Not this time! Ha-ha)
Fifth: DLSU Animo Squad (The tumblin’ girl was awesome!)
Sixth: UE Pep Squad (It’s hard to perform 1st)
Seventh: NU Pep Squad (Henry Sy’s investment in motion)
Eight: Adamson Pep Squad (What happened guys?)

Special Award: Samsung Stunner, a member of the DLSU Animo Squad

Trivia: The UP Pep Squad has now won the cheerdance contest in both years (2007, 2010) the UP Fighting Maroons ended the UAAP basketball season without a single win.

Survey Says
Prangkahan na! Sa umano’y dalawang paksyon sa administrasyong Aquino, mas na-kanino ang simpatya mo?
Team Balay 8.42%
Team Samar 4.08%
Wala! 87.5%

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Philippine Daily Inquirer (Daxim Lucas): The “missing” Communications Group head, and the Castilaloy businessman [Sobrang giveaway na blind items!]

Australian Brian Gorrell says controversial “Gucci Gang” member Delfin Justiniano Ocampo Montano II has been arrested in the US.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

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5 09 2010

Why did the chicken cross the road? Here’s why according to some prominent people in politics, government, and entertainment:

President Noynoy Aquino: “Nahaharap ang manok sa isang sangandaan. Sa isang banda ay ang tuwid na daan. Sa kabilang banda ay ang baluktot na daan. Sa halip na lakarin ang isa sa mga daan, ang manok ay tumawid na lamang.”

Palace Spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda: “Whether the chicken crossed Times Street or Samar Street, or went straight to the Balay complex in Cubao is irrelevant. What’s important is the chicken has been doing its best for the chicks. This ‘crossing thing’ has been totally blown out of proportion by the media.”

DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo: “That’s a [traffic] police matter. My job is to focus on providing coop for the chicken.”

Communications Group Sec. Herminio Coloma: “Did the chicken cross the road? I seriously doubt it! Otherwise, the traffic enforcer would have noticed!”

Communications Group Sec. Ricky Carandang: “I confirm that the chicken crossed the road. But the traffic enforcer was not informed about it.”

Chief Supt. Rodolfo Magtibay: “Mayor Lim ordered it to cross!”

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim: “Hindi pa kasi nanananghalian. Ayun, tumawid at naghanap ng pagkain. But no, I did not order the chicken to cross the road.”

Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno: “Hindi ko po alam. Nagulat nga rin ako kasi bigla na lang umesquierda!”

ABS-CBN News Head Maria Ressa: “The traffic policeman was not in control. Traffic police should lead. Chicken will follow.”

RMN’s Erwin Tulfo: “Put*ng-i*a kasi! Matigas ang ulo ng tarant*dong manok na ‘yan eh. ‘Buti ‘ka n’yo at ‘di nasagaan ang hay*p na ‘yan!”

GMA 7’s Mel Tiangco: “Mike, nakikita mo ba ang manok d’yan sa kinaroroonan mo? [Chicken appears then crosses the road] Buhay!!! Buhay Mike ang manok! Naku! Mukhang tatawid sa kalsada Mike! Pambihira! Tumawid na nga Mike!”

Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa: “Sayang nga eh! ‘Di ko naabutan. Naghahanap pa naman kami ng pulutan!”

Human Rights Commissioner Coco Quisumbing: “What’s your question again? I can’t hear you! Ano?!? I said I can’t hear you. Hay naku! Tanungin mo na lang ako later sa CR. Tara, ‘don tayo. Kailangan ko pang mag-make up!”

Vice President Jejomar Binay: “Pasensya na. Nagmamadali kasi dahil may meeting pa ng araw na ‘yon.”

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “The chicken did what is right, what is best, and so God took care of the rest (of its journey).”

Ilocos Sur Governor Chavit Singson: “Hindi naman talaga dapat tatawid ‘yan eh. So ang duda namin, na-set up lang.”

Former Agriculture Secretary Luis “Cito” Lorenzo: “To testify.”

Nacionalista Party: “According to its psychiatric evaluation report, the chicken was depressed.”

Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “Delikado ang daan, dapat lumipad na lang siya. Anyway, sa kaso naman ng manok, flight is not an indication of guilt eh.”

Comelec Commissioner Gregorio Larrazabal: “We’re happy to announce that the chicken crossed the road in an honest, peaceful, and orderly manner.”

Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao: “You know.”

Willie Revillame: “Mamili kayo: ako o ‘yong manok?!?”

Kris Aquino: “To file a motion for the declaration of nullity of its marriage to the cock.”

James Yap: “Lahat ng iyan ay ginagawa ng manok para sa kanyang sisiw.”

Boy Abunda: “Kung ikaw ang naturang manok at bibigyan ka ng pagkakataong magsama ng isang hayop sa pagtawid, anong hayop ang isasama mo at bakit?”

Miss Universe 4th Runner Up Maria Venus Raj: “Thank you sir for that wonderful question. You know what sir, in the chicken’s 22 weeks of existence, I can say that it has got nothing major, major, I mean, crossing-related problem because it is confident. That’s why the chicken made it to the other side. So thank you, thank you so much!”

MWSS Executives: “Is that a bonus question?”
“Don’t count your chickens before they cross the road.”

Survey Says
Ano ang masasabi n’yo sa umano’y dalawang factions sa pamahalaang Aquino?
– Gawa-gawa lang ng media ‘yan! Hindi totoo ‘yan! 5%
– Walang problema basta’t magtutulungan para sa bayan! 18%
– Nakakasama sa pamamahala! Masamang senyales ‘yan! 77%

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Have a safe and productive week!

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3 09 2010

IT’S FINAL. Congressman Manny Pacquiao is slugging it out with Antonio Margarito in November. That’s the second most exciting “fight” news of the week… next only to the Balay Group vs. Samar Group turf war.

Reports say there are two warring factions in the Aquino Cabinet: the Balay Group identified with defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas, the Liberal Party, and the Hyatt 10; and the Samar Group, composed of allies and loyalists of the Aquino and Cojuangco families, a number of which supported the candidacy of Vice President Jejomar Binay. To give you an idea of how serious the turf war has become, during meetings, Cabinet members do not address Noynoy Aquino as Mr. President. They call him Mr. Referee.

According to reports, there are two warring factions in the Aquino administration: the Balay Group and the Samar Group. Sometimes, they are collectively known as the Communications Group.

Reports say three of the coffins of the victims of the August 23 hostage crisis at Quirino Grandstand were mislabeled. Hong Kong authorities believe the mix-up happened at a funeral parlor in Manila… where two factions of embalmers reportedly work.

Secretary Jesse Robredo revealed that he was not part of the crisis management team that handled the August 23 hostage crisis. Robredo said he was “out of the loop” in the hostage negotiations – something that was understandable since another DILG faction was tasked to handle the situation.

Malacañang recently admitted that Jesse Robredo was asked to focus on local government units while Rico Puno was assigned to handle the police. Therefore, we have a DI Undersecretary and an LG Secretary. Everybody happy?

The Little President
Newsbreak reported that a very drunk Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. was seen at the lobby of the Manila Peninsula with an unidentified singer-actress around 2 am last August 27. Ochoa vows to issue a statement on the Newsbreak article as soon as his hangover wears off.

House Speaker Feliciano Belmonte says his protégé, former Quezon City administrator and now, Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa Jr. is “not a heavy drinker.” In fact, “the last time he got so drunk,” Belmonte said, “Binuhat ko siya. Magaan naman.”

Did you hear the news? According to the Department of Justice, the final moments of the August 23 hostage crisis will be reenacted. Prior to this announcement though, the Professional Heckler received a document from an anonymous source detailing the sequence of events on that fateful day. Here are some excerpts from that unverified document.

1: The negotiation breaks down.

2: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

3: Location: Emerald Garden Restaurant. The President orders Yang Chao fried rice, Nanking Beef and Aniseed Beef Tendon.

4: Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang’s aide calls the President. The President’s aide tells the caller from Hong Kong that he’s in a closed-door meeting.

5: The DILG Secretary monitors the event on TV. He tries to help in the negotiations but is told that the Samar faction of the DILG is in-charge of the situation.

6: RMN’s Erwin Tulfo and Michael Rogas try calling the ‘other’ cell phone of sacked policeman Rolando Mendoza hoping to put him on radio again – live and exclusive! Failing to reach the hostage taker, Tulfo shouts “Put*ng-i*a!”

7: ABS-CBN’s Ron Gagalac manages to hand his cellphone to the hysterical brother of the hostage taker. The brother is interviewed by Ted Failon – live and exclusive on TV Patrol!

8: GMA 7 News bigwigs monitoring the other station sends a text message to Susan Enriquez, “Bakit na-scoopan ka no’ng kabila?”

9: Somewhere in Manila. The Executive Secretary enters an establishment with a sign that reads, “Happy Hour begins at 8.”

10: The police tries to arrest the brother again. But Susan Enriquez sneaks past the cops, and puts the hostage taker’s brother on air – live and exclusive, albeit late on “24 Oras.”

11: Warning shots are fired by the hostage taker.

12: Mel Tiangco gets more hysterical than the hysterical brother of the hostage taker.

13. The DILG Undersecretary in charge of the police arrives and talks with the President – about guns and target shooting.

14: The President finishes his meal and orders Honey Lemonade.

15: More shots are fired.

16: The President orders the Balay faction of the Communications Group to draft a statement regarding the hostage crisis.

17: Isko Moreno puts on his make up as he prepares for his first ever phone-patched interview on CNN.

18: The Samar faction of the Communications Group drafts its own statement for the President.

19: The President is informed that Donald Tsang called. He panics.

20: The driver of the tourist bus escapes, runs, and shouts “Patay na lahat sa bus.”

21: The President panics even more.

22: The media believes the driver.

23: The public believes the media.

24: The SWAT members believe in themselves.

25: The SWAT team attacks the bus with what usiseros describe as “higanteng martilyo.”

26: The whole world witnesses ineptitude in motion.

27: Shots are fired from everywhere.

28: It’s over. The hostage taker is dead.

29: It’s a miracle. There are survivors.

30: Usiseros run toward the crime scene.

31: The powerless DILG Secretary walks toward the crime scene.

32: The powerless DILG Secretary looks more like an usisero.

33: The President and the Communications Group head back to the palace.

34: Isko Moreno is interviewed live by CNN via phone patch.

35: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

36: The President chooses between the Balay Group’s and the Samar Group’s official statement.

37: The Executive Secretary downs his final bottle of beer. He proceeds to Malacañang for the press conference.

38: An official statement is posted on the President’s official website.

39: Members of the media gather at the briefing room.

40: The President enters the briefing room.

41: No official statement is read.

42: Both factions happy?

43. The President answers questions from the media.

44: The President partly blames the media.

45: The President smiles.

46: Hong Kong nationals search the President’s Like Page on Facebook.

47: Disappointments. Fury. Wrath.

48: Briefing is over.

49. The Executive Secretary walks toward the kitchen and looks for a bottle of beer.

50: Lightning strikes. Thunder roars. Rain falls.

—End of Report—

“Factions are a sign of illness in a party.”
~ Ernest Mandel

Survey Says
Sa iyong palagay, ano ang dapat naging aksyon ng pangulo noong kasagsagan ng hostage crisis?
– Tama lang na low-key siya nang time na ‘yon. 33%
– Dapat mas maaga siyang nagpakita sa publiko. 65%
– Wala akong pakialam. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a great weekend!

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27 08 2010

Postscript to a Hostage Crisis
Presidential Communications and Operations Office Secretary Herminio Coloma on Thursday expressed doubt that Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang telephoned President Aquino at the height of the hostage crisis last Monday. But Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning Office Secretary Ricky Carandang confirmed that Chang did call the President. It turned out though that President Aquino’s aide did not inform him about the call because when he answered the phone and said, “Hello? How may I help you?,” Tsang’s aide replied, “May we talk to President Isko Moreno?”

Secretary Herminio Coloma expressed doubt that Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang called up President Aquino last Monday. But fellow Communications Group Secretary Ricky Carandang said Tsang did call the President. Malacañang has since vowed to fix the communication problem between Hong Kong and Manila… as soon as it has fixed the communication problem between Carandang and Coloma.

Secretary Herminio Coloma said former President Arroyo was also to blame for Monday’s bloody hostage crisis at Quirino Grandstand in Manila. But we’re not sure yet if that’s the official stand of Malacañang until we’ve heard from Secretary Ricky Carandang.

Reports say former President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo wrote two letters to the Chinese Prime Minister, and to the Hong Kong chief executive. One was to extend her condolences over the death of Hong Kong nationals in a hostage drama, and the other to defend herself from Herminio Coloma.

In Thursday’s Senate hearing, Manila Police District director on leave Chief Supt. Rodolfo Magtibay revealed that it was Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim who ordered the arrest of SPO2 Gregorio Mendoza, the hostage-taker’s brother. But Lim was quick to deny Magtibay’s claim. Malacañang believes though it was GMA who ordered it.

This just in! A recent survey showed that President Noynoy Aquino is now the most unpopular Philippine president ever… in Hong Kong.

Following Monday’s bungled rescue of hostages, President Aquino has been at the receiving end of slanderous and defamatory Facebook posts, comments, insults, and swear words. The President says it feels like the campaign season once again.

President Aquino has been repeatedly bashed, insulted, lambasted, mocked, and berated by Hong Kong Chinese nationals and fellow Filipinos as well on his Facebook Like Page. The President admits he has never experienced such “below the belt attacks” – since Manny Villar conceded the presidential race.

Last Wednesday, President Aquino started to ban slanderous and defamatory posts, comments, insults, and swear words from his Facebook Like Page – the same thing that his sister Kris has been doing 24/7 since she joined the site.

The President & Tsang
Unauthenticated Tapped Telephone Conversations [Translated in Filipino]

[Phone ringing]
Baby, baby, baby, ooooh
Like baby, baby, baby noooo

Male 1: Hello?
Male 2: Puwede kausap boss ko, boss mo?
Male 1: Sino ka?
Male 2: Ako, aide Donald Tsang, Hong Kong chief executive.
Male 1: Busy ang boss ko.
Male 2: Totoo ba sabi mo? Hindi pwede abala kahit two minute? Sabi mo galit boss ko. Galit Donald Tsang.
Male 1: ‘Di nga puwede eh! May closed-door meeting. Tawag ka na lang ulit.
Male 2: Ikaw bahala. Kayo bahala. Basta ako tawag boss mo. Ikaw, ayaw bigay telepono.
Male 1: Ang kulit mo! Bye na nga!
[End of conversation]

[Phone ringing]
Too much love will kill you
If you can’t make up your mind
Torn between the lover

Male 1: Hello?
Male 2: Puwede kausap boss mo?
Male 1: Sino ‘to?
Male 2: Ako aide Donald Tsang, chief executive Hong Kong
Male 1: Weh?
Male 2: Ako sabi totoo. Donald Tsang akyen boss. Siya gusto kausap presidente Pilipinas.
Male 1: Ikaw ba ‘yong tumawag sa kasama ko kanina?
Male 2: Oo. Siya sama ugali. Ayaw bigay telepono presidente.
Male 1: Naku! Wala pang info ang aming presidente. Wala pa siyang masasabi sa boss mo.
Male 2: Basta bigay mo telepono iyo presidente. Galit na talaga Donald Tsang.
Male 1: Sus! ‘Di ka talaga makaintindi ‘no? Tatawag na lang si presidente sa boss mo. Nasa meeting pa nga kasi siya. Tell Mr. Tsang, relax. Okay?
Male 2: Kayo talaga tigas ulo. Bahala kayo buhay n’yo. Ako bigay na warning. Masama magalit si Tsang. Masama magalit tao Hong Kong! Bye!
[End of conversation]

[Phone ringing]
I want nobody, nobody but you
I want nobody, nobody but you
Nandaru a shiro
Niga animon shiro

Male 1: Ni3 hao3! ?
Male 2: Mr. Tsang, ‘musta na po kayo?
Male 1: Ikaw sino? Bago tenga ko dinig boses mo.
Male 2: Mr. Tsang, si President Noynoy Aquino po ng Pilipinas.
Male 1: Ako galit iyo! Hong Kong galit iyo. Ikaw hindi kausap akin. Ako dalawa beses tawag, ikaw wala sagot kahit isa!

Male 2: Mr. Tsang, humihingi po ako ng paumanhin sa inyo. Kasalanan ko po ang nangyari.
Male 1: Saka bakit iba iba sabi iyo spokesperson. Sabi Coloma, ako hindi tawag. Sabi Carandang ako tawag. Loko-loko tao mo. Loko-loko Coloma na yan. Gawin pa ko sinungaling.
Male 2: Kaya nga po personal na akong tumawag sa inyo para magpaliwanag. Nagkaroon lang po ng miscommunication sa aking Communications Group. Inaayos na namin para hindi na maulit ang ganitong problema.

Male 1: Di ko tanggap iyo rason. Basa ko diyaryo sabi ikaw hindi katok aide mo. Hintay ako telepono. Hintay ako hintay! Tapos na Miss Universe, ako hintay pa rin! Pero aide mo ayaw ikaw katok meeting mo! Ano klase ka Pangulo?
Male 2: ‘Yon nga po. Nagpapakumbaba po ako sa pangyayari. Rest assured, magiging bukas ang linya ng komunikasyon ng Maynila sa anumang concern ninyo diyan sa Hong Kong. Anumang maitutulong namin, iparating n’yo lang po sa inyong kinatawan dito sa Pilipinas!

Male 1: Melon pa ko hindi gusto iyo gawa. Ikaw ngiti. Ikaw smile press con. Ikaw tawa doon crime scene. Hindi gusto tao Hong Kong iyo facial expression.
Male 2: Katulad nga po ng nasabi ko, hindi ko po sinasadya sakaling mapangiti man po ako. Alam ko pong napakasakit ng mga pangyayari kaya pasensya na po sakaling iba ang interpretasyon n’yo sa aking mga ngiti. Wala po akong intensyong makasakit.

Male 1: Tao dito Hong Kong galit iyo pulis, galit iyo rescue team. Sila wala silbi. Sila rescue gamit palakol. Kami duda na iyo pulis, sila tama baril sa amin turista. Ikaw imbestiga mabuti.
Male 2: Pati po ‘yan iniimbestigahan na namin. Kaya nga po merong kinatawan ang Hong Kong Police para masigurong magiging patas ang pagsisiyasat namin.

Male 1: Habang kayo siyasat hostage crisis, kami bawal travel Pilipinas. Ako utos Hong Kong citizens, bawal tourist to Manila. Delikado. Baka hostage ulit.
Male 2: Nauunawaan ko po kayo. Pero inuulit ko po, isolated incident lamang ito. Sanga pala, kailan puwedeng magtungo diyan ang high-level delegation ng aming bansa?
Male 1: Naku! Hindi ko alam sagot diyan. Kayo paalam muna Beijing, China. Kasi Beijing tampo iyo pulis.

Male 2: Ah, sige po. Maghihintay na lang kami. Makikiusap po sana ako sa inyo. Bahala na po kayo sa aming mga kababayan diyan sa Hong Kong.
Male 1: Wala naman sila problema. Meron iba amo Hong Kong, galit pero sila hindi saktan Pinay helper. Pinay helper husay linis. Sila the best. Wag ka alala, protektahan sila Hong Kong government.
Male 2: Maraming, maraming salamat Mr. Tsang. And again, on behalf of the Philippine government, kami ay humihingi ng paumanhin sa nangyaring insidente noong Lunes.
Male 1: Wala problema. Ngayon, bawas na akyen galit iyo.
Male 2: Thank you ho talaga.

Male 1: Isa pa isyu gusto ko tanong iyo. Bakit iyo kongreso adik?
Male 2: Huh?
Male 1: Sabi ko, bakit iyo kongreso dala droga dito amin Hong Kong? Ako refer Ronald Singson.
Male 2: Ahhh, hindi naman po lahat ng kongresista namin ganyan. Tinatalakay na rin po ng House ethics committee ang kaso ni Congressman Singson.
Male 1: Hindi iyan gusto ko sagot mo. Gusto ko sagot mo bakit siya lusot airport security? Talaga ba tanga iyo pulis?
Male 2: Under investigation na rin po ‘yan. Humihingi rin po ako ng paumanhin sa pagkakamali ng aming kinatawan.

Male 1: Bago ko baba telepono, ako may isa ako hiling iyo.
Male 2: Ano po ‘yon?
Male 1: Ako send iyo Facebook request. Ikaw puwede approve?
Male 2: Walang problema Mr. Tsang. Hahaha.
Male 1: O, bakit ikaw tawa na naman. Tao Hong Kong magagalit ulit iyo.
Male 2: Ooops sorry Mr. Tsang. Natuwa lang po ako sa pagiging diplomatic n’yo.
Male 1: Sige, ako dami pa asikaso trabaho. Sabi mo tao mo, sabi mo Coloma, siya isip muna bago salita. Huwag siya sinungaling. Saka sabi mo, usap sila Carandang para hindi iba iba statement. Ikaw sabi iyo pulis sila training. Wag sila tanga-tanga. Oki?
Male 2: Makakarating po Mr. Tsang.

Male 1: Ako meron isa pahabol. Puwede sabi mo thank you para akyen Congresswoman, dati iyo pangulo Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo? Siya send sulat akyen at isa sulat prime minister China. Siya mabait akyen.
Male 2: Ahmmm…
Male 1: Ikaw, wag na isip. Sige, ako galit ulit.
Male 2: Oki. Oki. Hayyyy.
Male 1: Xie xie. Zài jiàn!
[End of conversation]
“Diplomacy in general does not resolve conflicts. Wars end not due to peace processes, but due to one side giving up.”
~Daniel Pipes

Survey Says
Ano ang assessment mo sa naging partisipasyon ng media sa Manila hostage crisis?
-TAMA LANG. Kailangang ma-inform ang publiko. 7.7%
-PARTLY to blame ang media. Baka nakatulong ang news blackout. 90.7%
-HINDI KO alam ang nangyari. Ano ba? 1.6%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a safe weekend!

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24 08 2010

SHOCKED, ANGERED, & DISAPPOINTED by the outcome of yesterday’s hostage crisis in Manila, Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang complained that he had been unable all Monday to reach Philippine President Noynoy Aquino. Apparently, nobody bothered to inform Tsang that last Monday, the country’s president was Isko Moreno.

Did you monitor the media’s blow-by-blow account of the hostage drama at Quirino Grandstand in Manila last Monday? Of course you did! Kung ‘yung suspek nga napanood, ikaw pa!?!

Reacting to reports that the media’s blow-by-blow coverage may have agitated the suspect, President Aquino said if the government had ordered a news blackout, it would have been accused of censoring the press. So thank you to our media-friendly government, nine people are now dead.

Quezon City Rep. Winston Castelo has asked Congress to investigate the Manila hostage crisis. The public is advised to brace for our lawmakers’ reenactment of yesterday’s events – from Quirino Grandstand to Quirino Grandstanding.

Issuing its top-level black travel alert, Hong Kong advised its residents “to avoid all travel” to the country. In another news dismissed by HK authorities as unrelated, a Hong Kong court was ordered to re-measure the weight of the cocaine confiscated from Filipino lawmaker Ronald Singson.

Former senior police inspector Rolando Mendoza hijacked a tourist bus in a desperate attempt to get his job back. The incident has prompted authorities to place under surveillance a certain Willie Revillame.

This just in!
A recent report says the most dangerous place in the world nowadays is Somalia. In close second is “inside or anywhere near a bus in the Philippines.”

CONGRATULATIONS to Maria Venus Raj of the Philippines for placing fifth among 83 candidates in the 2010 Miss Universe beauty pageant. It’s such a major, major achievement!

When pageant judge William Baldwin asked, “What is one big mistake that you did in your life, and what did you do to make it right,” Ma. Venus Raj said that “there’s no major, major problem” she has “done” in her life. She just did.

The candidate from Mexico won the Miss Universe title besting our very own, Maria Venus Raj. It was Mexico’s first major, major victory against the Philippines since Erik Morales beat Manny Pacquiao in 2005.

The projected frontrunner coming into the competition, Miss Philippines managed to finish only fifth. Both Houses of Congress are reportedly conducting an inquiry to assess her overall presentation in aid of legislation.

After the pageant, reporters tried to interview Maria Venus Raj. The interview however had to be conducted inside the restroom because Venus, who was removing her makeup, wanted to “multitask.”

Quisumbing Apologizes
Embattled Human Rights Commissioner Cecilia ‘Coco’ Quisumbing has apologized for her behavior during a press conference last week. Interviewed on dzMM, Quisumbing told anchor Ted Failon, “Ako ay sobrang hiya sa sarili ko sa ginawa ko noong Friday sa media. Hindi lang paliwanag kundi apology. Very deep apology. Over ang ginawa ko. Naiintindihan mo ba ako Ted? I cannot hear you!? Do you understand?!? Ano?!? I said do you understand?!? I can’t hear you sabi eh!”

Interviewed on dzMM Teleradyo, Human Rights Commissioner Coco Quisumbing apologized to the press for her behavior during a press conference last Friday. She made the live apology while taking a shower.
“Thank you so much sir for that wonderful question. Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Good evening Las Vegas! You know what, sir, in my 22 years of existence I can say that there’s nothing major, major, I mean problem that I’ve done in my life because I’m very confident with my family, with the love that they are giving to me. So thank you so much that I’m here. Thank you, thank you so much!”
~Maria Venus Raj’s answer to William Baldwin’s question
2010 Miss Universe Q&A

Question: Can you tell us one big mistake that you did in your life?

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “First of all thank you for that wonderful question noh? Good evening Ladiesh and Gentlemen! Magandang gabi Lubao! In my nine years ash preshident, I couldn’t think of a major, major, I mean, mishtake because I am confident, and my family loves me so much that’sh why I am here now in Congressh. Thank you Pampanga! Thank you so much!”

Local Media: “Mistake? Did you monitor last night’s blow-by-blow account of the hostage crisis seen live on TV by the suspect himself aboard the tourist bus? We refuse to consider it as a major, major mistake but… media kami eh. Powerful kami. Bakit? Kinontrol ba kami ng police last night? No! So, what mistake are you talking about?”

Former PAGASA Chief Prisco Nilo: “Minsan na rin akong dumanas ng maulap na kalangitan na may pag-ulan at pagkulog-pagkidlat. Malakas na hangin mula sa Office of the Executive Secretary ang umiral na nagdulot ng malalaking alon sa baybayin ng DOST. Uminit ang temperatura ng mag-bayaw kaya’t hindi na ako sinikatan ng araw bilang PAGASA chief. Ang mistake ko, minaliit ko ang impluwensya ng Little President na kaklase pa ng Pangulo. That’s all. Thank you.”

Kris Aquino: “The big mistake was Alvin Patrimonio. The bigger mistake was Joey Marquez. But the biggest mistake of them all was… ay, “is” pala kasi ‘di pa nullified ang marriage namin. Aha-ha-ha! Basta biggest siya. Siya na ‘yon! Don’t wanna mention his name na. I’ll tweet na lang. Aha-ha-ha!”

Presidential Spokesman Edwin Lacierda: “Puwede ba tigilan mo na ako? Inaamin ko naman ‘di ba? I made a mistake. I mean, mistakes. Pero pinagsisihan ko na ang mga ‘yon. Kaya nga sa NBN 4 na ang press briefing at ‘di na sa ANC ‘di ba? So, please lang. Mag-move on ka na! Napipikon na ‘ko!”
“Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can’t accept your imperfections, that’s their fault.”
~ Dr. David M. Burns

Survey Says
Ilocos Sur Governor Luis ‘Chavit’ Singson: “Na-set up si Ronald sa Hong Kong.” Your take:
-Posible. Ingat na lang next time. 2%
-Set up? Ulol! 50%
-Set up mo’ng mukha mo! 48%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Major, major “Did he really say that” statements. Asked where he was during the hostage crisis, President Aquino: “Hindi ko naman kailangang ipublicize ang ginagawa ko?” Mr. President, we didn’t demand that you publicize what you where doing. But you could have at least given us a hint that you’re on top of the situation!

On Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang’s unanswered call: “Hindi ako kinatok sa meeting.” TELL THAT TO THE CHINESE!

On Wednesday morning, I listened to Joe Taruc’s interview with Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim. Muntik ko nang malimutanng dati nga pala siyang pulis. Mas visible kasi kesa sa kanya ang isang dating basurero noong Lunes.


Center for Media Freedom and Responsibility: For journalists, what to do in a hostage situation

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Media hit for blow-by-blow coverage

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