NO JOKE

1z
MALAYSIAN TERRORIST Zulkifli bin Hir alias Marwan was reportedly killed by the PNP-Special Action Force in Mamasapano, Maguindanao. The PNP-SAF cornered him inside a hut. Marwan was so surprised to see the commandos. Do you know what was the last thing going through Marwan’s head that fateful morning? A bullet.

According to MILF leaders, they’re not aware of Marwan’s presence in their territory. I have no joke. That IS the joke.

Malaysian terrorist Zulkifli bin Hir alias Marwan is reportedly dead. This must be a hard time for his wife and his four other wives.

Reports say Malaysian terrorist Marwan’s wife Joromee Dongon was the one who told his relatives about his death. According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Joromee used to be the wife of Abu Sayyaf terror group leader Khadaffy Janjalani who was also killed in 2006. Terrorist suitors are now starting to avoid her.

1AH
No-Show
President Aquino was a no-show at the arrival honors Thursday morning for the policemen killed in Maguindanao. Instead, he attended the inauguration of a car plant in Sta. Rosa City, Laguna. But Malacañang refuses to use the term “skipped” or “snubbed” to describe the President’s absence. Yeah, it’s “priorities.”

The hashtag #NasaanAngPangulo became the No. 1 trending topic on Twitter worldwide last Thursday. Netizens were outraged by President Aquino’s absence at Villamor Airbase. But palace spokesman Herminio Coloma said based on their online monitoring, that was not the sentiment of the majority. Apparently, Coloma’s social media team did their monitoring on Friendster, MySpace, and Multiply.

1LN
On Twitter, Black and White Movement’s Leah Navarro, a staunch Noynoy supporter asked, “So how many of those people who dissed the President’s absence from Villamor were actually there to condole?” Netizens replied, “How many of us were actually Presidents?”

Medalya ng Katapangan
On Friday, President Aquino attended the necrological services for the policemen who were killed in Maguindanao. Family members were each given a medal of valor. The medals were presented for their gallant effort to defend the country. Malacañang has denied rumors that a medal will also be given to Leah Navarro for her gallant effort to defend the President.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that a female relative of one of the slain SAF members seemed to have ignored the President at the necrological services. In his defense, he’s gotten used to being ignored by women.

1bin
Massacre
MILF forces are being blamed for the “massacre” of the 44 elite members of the PNP-Special Action Force in Maguindanao. No matter what their leaders say, MILF rebels have really become unpopular right now. To be fair though, President Aquino is more unpopular.

The nation is in mourning. Forty-four members of the PNP Special Action Force are dead – just like Allan Purisima’s chance at redemption.

Speak Out
Vice President Binay said suspended PNP Chief Alan Purisima must speak out about the ‘misencounter’ in Maguindanao. The Vice President added, “Mahirap kung lagi kang itinuturo. Baka kaya ayaw mong sumagot kasi totoo ang sinasabi nila.” The Vice President’s statement offended Purisima, Purisima’s wife, and Junjun Binay.

1bin
Arrested
Hundreds of Makati City residents gathered in front of Makati City Hall Thursday morning to show their support for embattled mayor, Junjun Binay who was arrested after being cited for contempt by the Senate. A Binay supporter was overheard saying half of Makati residents were there. The other half were doing something else more productive.

1bin
Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay was reportedly brought to the session hall against his will. The younger Binay’s allies said his human rights were violated. In a presscon, Junjun complained that he suffered bruises. When the #SAF44 heard this, they died… again. Twice.

CPP
The Communist Party of the Philippines whose armed wing, the New People’s Army has been waging war against the government for over four decades has extended its sympathies to the families of the 44 Special Action Force members who were killed in Maguindanao. Oh, the irony.

Headline of the Weak
gasgas
———————————————————————————————————–
“Every truth passes through three stages before it is recognized. In the first, it is ridiculed, in the second it is opposed, in the third it is regarded as self-evident.”
~Arthur Schopenhauer

Sound Bites
“All I ask right now is justice, not only for my husband, who was brutally killed but for everyone who fought and fell.”
~Erica Pabalinas, widow of a slain SAF member

“Is it worth it? One international terrorist, equivalent to 44 SAF troopers? I am sure, if you will ask them, it is worth it. Dahil mas maraming buhay and maisasalba at maililigtas nang nawala si Marwan.”
~Chief Supt. Noli Taliño, OIC, PNP-SAF

#TruthFortheFallen44

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: FBI.gov :Marwan; Dennis Sabangan/EPA: Arrival Honors; Leah Navarro’s IG, Philippine Star: Binay Headline: GMA News]

DEAR PROFESSIONAL HECKLER

OF LATE, the Professional Heckler has been receiving emails, letters, text messages, and tweets from famous and not-so-famous Filipinos alike. Due to his hectic schedule though (as if), he was able to reply to each of those letters only now. Apologies. Here we go…

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong inmate sa New Bilibid Prisons. Pakiramdam ko, may sakit ako sa puso. Puwede rin ba akong magpa-check up sa Philippine Heart Center?
Umaasa,
Bogart

Dear Bogart,
May alam ka bang kasalanan ni Gloria? Kung wala, tiisin mo na lang ang sakit mo sa puso.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong mapagpatol na tao. Halos kada linggo, nakikipagsagutan talaga ako. Wala akong inuurungan. Hindi ko pinapalampas ang mga patutsada ng aking mga kalaban. Sanga pala, gusto kong magtrabaho sa gobyerno. Saan ba ako puwede?
Yours truly,
Anton

Dear Anton,
Puwede ka sa Communications Group. Of course, advantage kung abogado ka. Kaya lang, wala pa yatang opening ngayon. Hindi kita matutulungan.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hello! Kumusta kayong lahat!
Miss you,
Bedol

Dear Bedol,
Magkano?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Hindi ko na kinakaya ang ginagawa nila sa akin. Nananahimik ako. Kumikirot ang aking leeg. Masama ang aking pakiramdam pero wala talaga silang awa. Ayaw nila akong tigilan. Kailan ba ito matatapos?
Saklolo,
Gloria

Dear Gloria,
Just do what is right, do what is best, and Raul Lambino will take care of the rest.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Isa akong dating halal na government official na natapos na ang termino. Wala na akong ginagawa. Mahilig ako sa balita at may magandang boses. Saan ako puwedeng mag-apply?
Yours truly,
Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official

Dear Kagalang-galang na Ex-Official,
With your credentials, perfect ka sa TV Patrol! Try mo!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Magkano ba ang presyo ng isang kilong galunggong ngayon? Would you know?
Curious,
Jamby

Dear Jamby,
Hanggang ngayon ba naman curious ka pa rin? I don’t eat fish. Sorry, I cannot answer your question.
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Gusto kong maging state witness. Marami akong alam against GMA. Maniwala ka!
Desperado,
Zaldy

Dear Zaldy,
Sapak gusto mo?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler
Ikaw ang kanlungan ng nangangailangan. Ikaw ang pag-asa at kinabukasan. Haplos mo ay lunas sa bawat pagal. Salamat sa iyong dampi ng pagmamahal.
Love,
Manny Garcia

Dear Manny Garcia,
Ulol!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Narinig ko po sa balita na posibleng ideklarang pangulo ang aking late Papa. Puwede rin ba akong tawaging former presidential daughter?
Tempting,
Lovidovi

Dear Lovidovi,
Magpaalam ka muna sa tunay na asawa ng iyong ama. I heard you’re not in good terms. Kapag pumayag siya, go! Kung hindi, huwag malungkot dahil ikaw naman ang former future First Lady ng first district of Ilocos Sur. ‘Musta na si Ronald?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Oo! Handa na ako! Isisiwalat ko na ang lahat-lahat tungkol sa dayaan noong 2004 pero sa isang kondisyon. Gusto ko via phone patch.
Demanding,
Garci

Dear Garci,
Wala kang karapatang mag-demand, punyeta ka! Kung lalabas ka, bilisan mo para umabot sa SONA. At ‘wag mong itanong kung magkano! Wala nang budget ang palasyo!
Heckler

Deal Plofessional Hecklel,
Sabi mo iyo mga conglessman, sila wag na balik Pag-Asa Island. Amin buo isla! Kami una ari Splatlys Islands. Pag kayo hindi tigil, kayo invade namin. Undelstand?
Xie xie,
Mr. Chinese Ambassador

Dear Mr. Chinese Ambassador,
Ikaw huwag bully. Kayo sumbong namin Amelicans. Sila amin friendship. Sila tulong amin. Hindi kami takot. Teka lang, bakit ako ganito salita? At bakit ikaw basa nang basa. Mukha ka rin tanga.
Hecklel

Dear Professional Heckler,
Matagal nang nali-link ang mister kong kongresista sa isang sexy comedienne/TV host. Pero wala naman akong pruweba. Dapat ko ba siyang iwan?
Hu-hu-hu,
Angela

Dear Angela,
In the first place, hindi mo siya dapat pinakasalan dahil second cousin mo siya! Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Malaswaaaa!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Uuwi na ako. Malapit na. Puwede bang mag-stay pansamantala sa inyo?
Excited,
Ate Guy

Dear Ate Guy,
First of all, hanga ako sa ‘yo. Ikaw lang ang GUY na GIRL. Pero ‘di ako naniniwalang uuwi ka. Wala kang pamasahe! Casino ka kasi nang casino! Tigilan mo na ‘yan!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Panay na panay ang banat mo sa amin. Mag-ingat ka g*go! At ’wag na ‘wag kang pupunta sa aming siyudad kung ayaw mong mabugbog!
Galit na galit,
Sara, Rudy, and Paolo

Dear Sara, Rudy, and Paolo
Ito lang ang masasabi ko: [click here]
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
It’s in the news today! I lost at least 6 inches off my waist. Bilib ka na ba?
Nagmamahal,
Mega

Dear Mega,
Weh? ‘Di nga?
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Sabi nila, na-rape ako. Feeling ko naman, na-harass lang. Ewan ko ba! Kumuha na ako ng abogado. Ano ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Naguguluhan,
Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Nagkamali ka iha. Hindi dapat abogado ang kinuha mo kundi bato – ‘tapos ipinukpok mo sana sa ulo mo para natauhan ka. Flirt!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
Itago mo na lang ako sa pangalang Piolo. Mayaman, maimpluwensya, mula sa iginagalang na pamilya at may mataas na posisyon sa pamahalaan. Fifty-one years old na ako pero wala pa rin akong girlfriend. Bakit kaya?
Worried,
Alias Piolo

Dear Piolo,
Pa-Piolo-Piolo ka pa d’yan utot mo! Kilala kita! Pinasok mo ang puwestong ‘yan, magtiis ka! ‘Tsaka… bago mo problemahin ang puso mo, asikasuhin mo muna ‘yang baga mo! Tumigil ka sa paninigarilyo! Okay? Good luck sa SONA mo! Bye!
Heckler

Dear Professional Heckler,
At present, I really need a brand-new car, possibly a 4 x 4. I am anticipating your favorable response on this regard. Be assured of my constant support. Thank you very much.
God Bless,
Bishop Pueblos

Dear Bishop Pueblos,
Wala ka talagang kadala-dala! ‘Tsaka anong “constant support” ang pinagsasasabi mo d’yan!? Hindi tayo magkakilala! Magtigil ka!
Heckler
———————————————————————————–
“From the beginning of our history the country has been afflicted with compromise. It is by compromise that human rights have been abandoned.”
~Charles Sumner

You Have Spoken
Kung mapatunayang nanalo nga si FPJ noong 2004, pabor ba kayo sa suhestyong isabit ang kanyang larawan sa palasyo?
-OO naman. 34.83%
-NO. 22.82%
-Ke isabit o hindi, ikakayaman ko ba ‘yan? 42.34%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever

Enjoy the rest of the week!

KAMUNDUHAN

THE 40th ANNUAL EARTH DAY will be celebrated on Thursday, April 22, 2010. In observance of this historic event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino and Sen. Manny Villar will throw garbage at each other.

Sen. Jamby Madrigal says she wants this year’s Earth Day event to be memorable for the Nacionalista Party. She vows to dig up more dirt on Manny Villar.

The 40th Earth Day is being celebrated this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Manny Villar will re-enact the first time he bathed in a sea of garbage.

The world will be celebrating the 40th Earth Day this week. In observance of the special event, Sen. Noynoy Aquino will NOT smoke for a day.

Lawyer Gilbert Teodoro can easily relate to nature and environmental issues… mainly because loyal Lakas leaders have become extinct.

Justice Secretary Alberto Agra is also celebrating Earth Day. In fact, he observed the event in advance. Last Saturday, he trashed the multiple murder charges against two Ampatuan scions.

In case you didn’t know, President Arroyo has declared April 22 as the “Philippines’ Earth Day” through Presidential Proclamation No. 1481. She signed the proclamation right after the release of a survey showing the continued “erosion” of the people’s trust on her.

Former president Joseph Estrada and senatorial candidate Joey De Venecia have decided not to campaign on April 22. Erap will observe Earth Day by planting his seeds while De Venecia will plant some weeds.

Professor Danton Remoto and party-list group “Ang Ladlad” will celebrate ‘biodiversity’ on Earth Day. The theme of Ang Ladlad’s celebration: “Para sa Makulay at Masayang Mundo, Berdeng Dugo ang Iboto!”

Sen. Mar Roxas will lead the Liberal Party’s Earth Day activity. Everyone is invited… except for Chiz Escudero and company.

This just in: Mar Roxas has belied claims by Korina’s former household helper that the broadcaster still uses Aquanet hair spray.

Makati City will observe Earth Day by promoting garbage segregation. As a matter of fact, residents, particularly those living in slums underwent a seminar on waste management recently. Sa naturang seminar ay ipinaliwanag ang pagkakaiba ng biodegradable at non-biodegradable. Halimbawa: ang mga papel at tirang pagkain ay natutunaw. Ang mga ito ay biodegradable. Sa kabilang banda, ang mga Binay ay ‘di natutunaw. Sa katunayan, inabot na nga sila ng dalawampu’t apat na taon sa city hall. Sila ay non-biodegradable.

Environmental groups are handing out special awards this year in celebration of the 40th Earth Day. Leading the list of awardees is businessman Manuel V. Pangilinan who is being recognized for his “reuse” and “recycling” efforts.

A list of famous people who are considered “anti-environment” will also be made public for the first time. Topping the list are Vicky Belo and Manny Calayan for turning celebrities into ‘plastics.’

And to warn the public about the hazards of chemicals on humans, Tingting Cojuangco, Loi Ejercito, Baby Arenas, Imelda Cojuangco, Vicki Belo, and Ellen Lising will join a motorcade.

But there are some who won’t be celebrating Earth Day this year. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago is one of them. Alam n’yo naman, matindi pa rin ang galit niya sa mga “puno.”

And lastly, Stella Marquez-Araneta and the Bb. Pilipinas Charities, Inc. (BPCI) will celebrate the beauty of our planet on Earth Day. Stella and the BPCI say, “We love Earth. But we also love Mercury, Mars, Uranus, Neptune, Jupiter, and Saturn. The only one we hate is Venus.”

In Other News…

Absolved!
Justice Secretary Alberto Agra has cleared two members of the powerful Ampatuan clan of the grisly murder of 57 people in Maguindanao last year. With a justice secretary like that, who needs defense lawyers?

Gordon & Bayani
Despite the support of some loyal friends in Partido Lakas, Bayani Fernando says he will not abandon Richard Gordon, the standard bearer of Bagumbayan Party. To prove that he is telling the truth, Fernando promised Gordon that he would not call for a meeting of Bagumbayan members at Discovery Suites in Pasig City for a loyalty check.

Poor
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 43 percent of Filipinos considered themselves poor. The rest were in denial.
——————–
“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realise we cannot eat money.”
~Cree Indian Proverb

Photo of the Weak

Ano ang sinasabi ng hayup sa larawan?
A: “L is for laway! Noy!Noy! Hihihi. Jas kedding!”
B: “Masama bang tumanaw ng utang na loob?”
C: “Tumabi kayo Villaroyo at Gloriaquino! Narito na ang bago! Ampatuanoy!”

Survey Says
Maiba naman. Lakers or Cavaliers?
Wala nang iba pa! Cavaliers! 24%
Anong klaseng tanong ‘yan? Siyempre, Lakers! 34%
Hmmm, pass muna! I’m not into sports. 42%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

TIRADES

AFTER A LONG VACATION, we all returned to work this week. Some were really excited because they love their job. Others may not exactly take pride in what they’re doing but at the end of the day, it’s the huge paycheck that matters. Ask Sigfrid Fortun.


The Ampatuan Trial
According to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, amid flashing camera bulbs and murmuring from spectators, Andal Ampatuan Jr. looked “bored” when he arrived at Camp Crame for his arraignment. That’s understandable though since Andal is not used to being surrounded by people… who are alive.

During the arraignment, defense lawyer Sigfrid Fortun revealed that Andal Ampatuan Jr. was neither conversant in English nor Filipino. His English vocabulary is very limited. In fact, Andal Jr. only knows one verb and one pronoun: “kill” and “them.”

Although Andal Ampatuan Jr. had difficulty expressing himself in English, his lawyer Sigfrid Fortun was quick to adjust to the situation. It helped that Fortun once had a client named Joseph Estrada.

Trivia (No cheating please. Bawal mag-Google!)
Of these four local Mindanao executives, who had a cameo in the 2005 movie “Sablay Ka Na, Pasaway Ka Pa” topbilled by presidential son Mikey Arroyo?
A: Sultan Kudarat Governor Suharto ‘Teng’ Mangudadatu
B: ARMM Governor Zaldy Uy Ampatuan
C: Sultan Kudarat Rep. Datu Pax Mangudadatu
D: Former Maguindanao Governor Andal Ampatuan Sr.

Make a quick guess before you right click here for the answer.

Wala ‘Yan sa Lolo Ko!
According to the Philippine Star, the Liberal Party is deploying a 600,000-strong “Yellow Army” of volunteers to campaign for presidential bet Noynoy Aquino
… to which Nacionalista Party standard-bearer Manny Villar said, “Wala ‘yan sa guest candidates kong sina Liza Maza at Satur Ocampo! May 40-year-old ‘Red Army.’”

Reports say the Liberal Party is deploying a 600,000-strong “Yellow Army” of volunteers to campaign for its presidential bet Noynoy Aquino…
… to which former GMA 7 reporter and senatorial candidate Alex Tinsay said, “Wala ‘yan kay Brother Eddie! May 5 million-strong “Prayer Warriors!”

The Liberal Party is reportedly deploying a 600,000-strong “Yellow Army” of volunteers to campaign for presidential bet Noynoy Aquino…
… to which a staunch administration ally said, “Wala ‘yan sa Lakas-Kampi-CMD! May libu-libong counting machines!”

New Facebook Fight
Reacting to an Inquirer article that Noynoy Aquino has the most number of Facebook followers among the eight presidential candidates, Sen. Richard Gordon says, “It is not Facebook that matters here. It is not your face that matters. It is the book of accounts. Ano ang kakayahan ni Noynoy Aquino sa local government? Hindi pa siya nasubukan ni sa barangay captain. Even in legislature, ano ang batas na nagawa niya na nararamdaman na ng taong-bayan?” Noynoy Aquino vowed to answer Gordon’s tirade point by point as soon as he has finished harvesting strawberries on Farmville.

New Facebook Fight II
Reacting to Sen. Richard Gordon’s statement on Sen. Noynoy Aquino and his Facebook supporters, Aquino’s spokesman Edwin Lacierga says “Gordon just wants attention so his ratings will rise as well.” Lacierga adds Noynoy himself will answer Gordon’s diatribe as soon as the senator finishes decorating his newly constructed house on Pet Society.

Toilet Campaign?
Presidential economic spokesperson Gary Olivar says the MMDA’s plan to install green toilets for women under footbridges will be an advantage to Lakas-Kampi-CMD standard bearer Gilbert Teodoro whose campaign motif is green. But die-hard supporters of the Liberal Party are unfazed, with one Noynoy Aquino fanatic saying, “Eh ano naman kung berde ang toilet? Bakit… ano ba ang kulay ng t*e?” [Ewww!]

Petition vs. Leftists
Leftist lawmaker Liza Maza dismissed as “baseless” a disqualification case filed against her and fellow senatorial candidate Satur Ocampo for being supporters of armed rebels (CPP-NPA). I am not sure what was funnier: the disqualification petition or the denial.

Showbiz: Angel and Efren
Interviewed on ABS-CBN, Angel Locsin revealed that CNN Hero of the Year Efren Peñaflorida Jr. was planning to court her. Sought for comment by GMA News, Kuya Ef confirmed Locsin’s revelation. [My lips are sealed… for now.]
__________
“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”
~Coco Chanel

Survey Says
Do you believe in “feng shui?”
YES, Wala namang mawawala eh. 33%
NO! Kalokohan ‘yan. 46%
Kung good, oo. Kung nega, hindi. 21%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

TWIT TWEETS


DECEMBER 9, 2009: The joint session of Congress has begun. While we await the decision of our lawmakers on Proclamation 1959, let’s read some “tweets” allegedly posted online by some prominent figures.


President Arroyo: “Watching the joint session of Congress on ANC. I’m confident that my allies won’t fail me.”
less than 5 seconds ago from twitterfeed

Agnes Devanadera: “Being grilled now by Cong. Dilangalen on the imposition of ML in Maguindanao. Grabe, ang hirap palang mag-Twitter nang palihim.”
less than 30 seconds ago from twitterfeed

Defense Sec. Bert Gonzales: “Still in Singapore. Not sure if I could attend the joint session tom.”
4 minutes ago from web

Exec. Sec Ed Ermita: “@BertGonzales ‘Langya ka! Nang-iwan ka na naman! Ba’t ka ba nasa Singapore?”
3 minutes ago from web

Andal Ampatuan Jr.: “Can’t sleep. I miss my wives.”
6 minute ago from twitterfeed

Sen. Lito Lapid: “Nasa joined secession ng Kongreso. Nakakaantok. Limang na oras na ‘kong walang naiintindihan.”
about 1 hour ago from twitterfeed

Sen. Bong Revilla: “@LitoLapid Akala mo ikaw lang? Ako rin kaya! Tara, sibat na tayo! Mauna ka na para ‘di halata.”
30 minutes from web

Andal Ampatuan Sr.: “@AndalJr. Gawan mo ng paraang maibalik sa kapitolyo ang backhoe. Hindi pa liquidated ang perang ibinili nun. Baka hanapin ng COA.”
38 minutes from twitterfeed

Imelda Marcos: “Critics of the martial law in Maguindanao should just shut up. Martial rule will make the province and its people beautiful.”
43 minutes ago from Ping.fm

ARMM Gov. Zaldy Ampatuan: “Malapit nang maubos ang pasensya ko. Kapag ako ang napikon, bahala na, magkakalabasan talaga ng baho.”
about 2 hours ago from web

Korina Sanchez: “Hates the thought of having dinner alone again(!) because of this freakin’ joint session. Grrrr!”
about 4 hours ago from Hootsuite

Manny Villar: “The Nacionalista Party has two slots available. If you’re interested, email Gilbert Remulla na lang.”
11:30AM Dec 08th from web

Lorelei Fajardo: “This joint session of Congress is indeed historical.”
about 5 hours ago from Ping.fm

Miriam Defensor-Santiago: “@LoreleiFajardo, Dear, it’s ‘historic’ not ‘historical!’ Well, what can you expect from someone who has never set foot on Cambridge, Harvard, nor Oxford?”
about 3 hours ago from web

Comelec_Online: “Comelec’s 2nd Division orders Afghan President Hamid Karzai to step down. Opponent Abdullah Abdullah wins recount.”
30 seconds ago from twitterfeed

Hayden Kho Jr.: “Ano bang meron sa Congress? Bakit ‘di napag-usapang masyado ang suicide attempt ko?”
about 15 hours ago

Satur Ocampo: “NP cuts ties with KBL. Uy Liza, chance na natin ‘to!”
8:23PM Dec 08th from Uber Twitter

Gilbert Teodoro: “Watching the replay of the ANC Presidential Forum. Just noticed, Noynoy was reading from a prepared opening statement.”
10:02PM Dec 9th from web

Liza Maza: “@SaturOcampo Are you sure? Kasi, Bongbong is still a guest candidate daw.”
10:02 PM Dec 08th from Uber Twitter

Conrado De Quiros: “@GilbertTeodoro So what if Noynoy was reading from a prepared opening statement? Lest you forget, the forum was a battle between good and evil. And you are evil.”
12:56 AM Dec 9th from web

Noynoy Aquino: “@GilbertTeodoro @ConradDeQuiros Labas ako sa away na ‘yan huh!”
1:02 PM Dec 09th from Uber Twitter

Erap Para sa Mahirap: “Thanks sa greets. 50 yrs na kami ni doktora at kakatapos lang ng honeymoon namin. Pero atin-atin lang mga ‘tol, iba pa rin talaga si Laarni.”
11:28 AM Dec 7th from web

Conrado De Quiros: “Latest SWS survey is out. Noynoy, 47%, Villar, 20%, and Teodoro, 3%. Wohoo!”
02:10 AM Dec 9th from web

Mikey Arroyo: “Watching my all-time favorite TV show. Mr. Bean rocks!”
4:45 PM Dec 5th from Uber Twitter

Manny Pacquiao: “New hir. You know. Tisting lang.”
7:46 PM Dec 6th from the web
_________
“It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.”
~ Joseph Joubert

Follow me on Twitter.

SATISFACTION

I’M SURE YOU’VE noticed how chilly our mornings have become. The temperature is so low, weathermen say it’s actually lower than President Arroyo’s satisfaction rating.

Joint Session
Senators and congressmen are holding a joint session tomorrow to tackle the martial law imposed in Maguindanao. Representatives of the Guinness World Records will also be present to authenticate RP’s latest bid to establish a new world record for the largest gathering of thieves.

The Ampatuans’ Arms Cache
Recent raids in the Ampatuan residences yielded more than 400 carbine, garand and M-14 rifles, more than 300 kind of magazines and thousands of rounds of ammunition, 11 pistols, 20 long HP firearms, several machine guns, sniper rifles, armored vehicles, camouflage uniforms, and mortars. Senate committee on national defense and security chairman Rodolfo Biazon is seeking an indepth investigation to determine how the Ampatuans got hold of one-half of the AFP’s armory.

Same Sex Marriages
Manila Rep. Bienvenido Abante has sought the criminalization of same-sex marriages in the country saying it’s “highly immoral, scandalous, and detestable.” Abante is seeking re-election in Manila but in case he loses, the Comelec Second Division is willing to take him as its fourth member.

In Entertainment…
Last Friday evening, lawyer Lorna Kapunan, a self-proclaimed feminist and women’s rights advocate-turned-Hayden Kho Jr. apologist and defender dismissed rumors that her client had another suicide attempt. However, witnesses claimed they found the visibly distraught ex-doctor in a pineapple plantation in Silang, Cavite before dawn Friday uttering words like “Huwag n’yo na kong hanapin. Walang nagmamahal sa akin. Nagpaalam na ako sa Diyos.” We all know what happened next: he survived. Due to this development, GMA 7’s “Wish Ko Lang” has invited Hayden to guest on the program. The show will grant his wish to die!

Lawyer Lorna Kapunan said Hayden Kho Jr. was rushed to the hospital not because of another suicide attempt but due to intestinal flu. Attending physicians said he consumed at least 50 leaves of pineapple.

My unimpeachable source said Hayden Kho DID attempt to hurt himself again because Dr. Vicki Belo threatened to break up with him after receiving information that he’s seeing another woman. Worse, that woman was Atty. Lorna Kapunan!

A source said Hayden Kho is back to his old womanizing ways, infuriating his girlfiend, Dr. Vicki Belo. Belo’s reaction surprised a lot of people who always thought that wax figures do not have emotion.

Tiger in Trouble
Golf superstar Tiger Woods is being linked to at least 10 women who have threatened to surface and tell their stories. Some of the women are reportedly armed with incriminating photos. The imminent threat has prompted Woods to declare Martial Law.

Tabloids are linking Tiger Woods to several sexy women. Woods have denied the allegation and insisted that it was just part of the promo for his upcoming film fest entry.

Ten women are being linked now to Tiger Woods. When actress Gina Alajar heard the report, she updated her Facebook status and wrote: “If I were Elin Nordegren-Woods, I would not give up on Tiger. Those 10 girls are not worth it.”

Reports say 10 women have emerged and claimed they had an affair with Tiger Woods. Observers believe eight more will surface to complete the 18 holes.

Playgirl magazine claims it has received a collection of naked Tiger Woods photos. Curious fans are eager to know if Tiger’s birdie is an eagle.

___________
“As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death.”
~George Bernard Shaw

Survey Says
Among these presidential aspirants, who’s likely to withdraw his/her bid before May 2010?
Joseph Estrada :15%
Councilor JC De Los Reyes :18%
Sen. Jamby Madrigal :17%
Nicanor Perlas :4%
No one. Tuloy ang laban! :46%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
An open letter to Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros

If this columnist is telling the truth, why not just identify the subjects of his blind items?

THE PRESIDENT’S REPORT

Martial Law in Maguindanao
Have you read President Arroyo’s report to Congress as regards the proclamation of Martial Law in the province of Maguindanao? Here’s the original draft of the report.

Office of the President
of the Philippines
Malacañang

THE SENATE OF THE PHILIPPINES
Roxas Boulevard, Pasay City

ATTENTION:
HON. JUAN PONCE ENRILE
Senate President

-and-

HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
Constitution Hills,
Quezon City, Philippines 1126

ATTENTION:
HON. PROSPERO NOGRALES
Speaker of the House

Your Honors,

Lest we miss anything or be misquoted on something, just refer to ANC, GMA News, the Philippine Daily Inquirer, the Philippine Star, and other news organizations/agencies for a comprehensive account of the situation in Maguindanao.

Either that, or allow us an extension of 72 hours to collate our own information for a more detailed and decent report.

By Order of the President,
EDUARDO R. ERMITA
Executive Secretary

______
Personal
Today, December 7, 2009, I vow to stop joining the government’s Premyo sa Resibo contest. I started texting in 2003. Six years later, I have yet to win a single cent from the promo. Can’t they at least reward loyalty? Now, I am starting to doubt if the photos of winners that come out in newspapers are for real.

Kung itinago ko na lamang ang halagang nagastos sa pagte-text mula sa unang araw na nag-join ako hanggang kaninang umaga, baka mas malaki pa ang naipon ko kaysa sa tax collection ng BIR. [Oo, OA ako. Hayaan n’yo na.] Ayoko na! Ayoko na!%@#^4#%#^

OF CANDIDATES AND CARNAGE


LP’s Standard Bearer
Liberal Party’s Noynoy Aquino filed his certificate of candidacy for president Saturday, November 28. Television host Boy Abunda, sister Kris Aquino, Cesar Montano, Gretchen Barreto, Dingdong Dantes, Marian Rivera, Kim Chiu, Enchong Dee, Erich Gonzales, and Coco Martin accompanied Noynoy when he filed his COC. However, they were barred from entering the Comelec office because they were carrying torches.

Noynoy Aquino’s girlfriend Shalani Soledad was also outside the Comelec office when he filed his COC. While she was not carrying a torch, she was also refused entry by the security guards who claimed they merely acted on orders from Kris Aquino.

A huge crowd accompanied Sen. Noynoy Aquino when he filed his certificate of candidacy for president last Saturday, November 28. According to newspapers, 2,000 people came out. According to cops, 1,500. According to the Social Weather Stations, 60 percent.

Mar Files COC
Sen. Mar Roxas has officially filed his certificate of candidacy for vice president. Korina Sanchez is now an official candidate for Second Lady.

Mikey’s Plans
Speaking before some 200 local officials from Pampanga who serenaded President Arroyo at Malacañang Palace, Second District Rep. Mikey Arroyo said he was more than willing to give up his House seat for his mother, President Arroyo. And while on vacation, Mikey plans to study the correct procedure in declaring his statement of assets, liabilities and net worth.


Ano ang nararapat na caption, deskripsyon, o pamagat sa larawang ito?
A) “Kung hindi manguna sa survey ng Pulse Asia, manguna man lang sana sa tindig at porma.”

B) Sa ating lahat na lumaki sa “Batibot,” handa… awit!
“Pagsama-samahin ang pare-pareho
Ang magkakatulad ay ating igrupo
Kay sayang libangan, kay daling gawin
Ang pare-pareho, pagsamahin natin.”

C) “TG Guingona was here.”

D) “The boat is sinking. Group yourselves into… 6!”

E) Buhay na buhay ang tsansa nilang manalo… hanggang sa mamatay si Cory Aquino.

Ampatuan Jr.
Datu Unsay, Maguindanao Mayor Andal Ampatuan Jr. was brought to Manila aboard a chopper last Thursday night. Unknown to many though, it took several hours before Ampatuan Jr. was convinced to ride the helicopter… because he insisted on riding a backhoe instead.

Ampatuan Jr. II
Datu Unsay, Maguindanao Mayor Andal Ampatuan Jr. was separated from other inmates at the NBI jail because he was considered a high-risk prisoner. Since being airlifted to Manila last Thursday, sources say Ampatuan Jr. has been restless, and keeps looking for his wives, his children, and his political party.

Ampatuan Jr’s Foe
When Buluan, Maguindanao Vice Mayor Ismael Mangudadatu saw Andal Ampatuan Jr. during the inquest proceeding at General Santos City last Thursday, Mangudadatu said, “Gusto ko siyang kainin!” But the grieving vice mayor changed his mind when Ampatuan Jr. revealed, “Ipinaglihi ako sa baboy.”

GMA’s Spokesperson
Deputy presidential spokesperson Lorelie Fajardo dismissed the Maguindanao massacre as a mere “incident between two families.” She added, “I don’t think the President’s friendship with the Ampatuans will be severed.” The president is now studying recommendations to sever her ties with Fajardo.

Battle Cry
OBAMA: “Change? Yes, we can!”
AMPATUAN Jr.: “Murder? Yes, I can!”
____________________
“We need a law that will permit a voter to sue a candidate for breach of promise.”
~Anonymous

Stay safe. Have a productive week ahead!

SAVAGE II

FIFTY-SEVEN PEOPLE MURDERED. It’s hard to write a funny blog entry when the week’s biggest issue involves not just a family of political warlords but a clan of savage beasts.

Photos of the Weak

Ano ang angkop na caption, pamagat, o deskripsyon para sa mga larawang ito?
A) “Zoo Warning: Huwag lumapit sa hayop. Pumapatay.”

B) “Hindi ako natatakot! Si Siegfred Fortun ang abogado ko! Abogado yata ni Erap ‘yun!”

C) “Humanda kayong lahat paglabas ko rito!”

D) “So, ganyan pala ang hitsura n’yong mga journalists kapag buhay kayo. ‘Sensya na huh! ‘Yung huling grupo kasi ng mga journalists na nakita ko, nakapikit lahat eh.”

E) “Hindi po totoong pinatalsik kami sa Lakas-Kampi-CMD. Plano talaga naming lumipat sa Liberal Party!”

F) “Breaking News: Zoologists baffled at captured beast with human-like features”
________
“Violence in any form is evil and to kill innocents is tantamount to blatant savagery.”
~ Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Survey Says
Note: This poll was posted before the Supreme Court ruled that political advertisements may be aired/shown outside the campaign period.
Should the Comelec allow the showing of the movies of celebrities seeking elective posts in 2010?
YES. 10%
NO. 65%
Whatever. I don’t care. 24%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Have a SAFE weekend.

In Memoriam
(Thanks to Julius Babao for the link to this image)

Elsewhere
Newsbreak Online says ‘Cory Aquino gave Ampatuan patriarch his break’ Interesting. Ano kaya ang reaksyon ni Noynoy Aquino tungkol dito? Let’s see. Baka kailangan munang mag-retreat.

SAVAGE


APOLOGIES for not updating this blog sooner. I am really busy this week.

But thank you for ALWAYS dropping by to check.

It’s a really tough week for me. I have to work in order to survive. But at least I’m not quitting. The last time I checked, my surname was Landicho, not Escudero.

A while back, I was reading the news online and one particular item caught my attention. Scientists have discovered the fiercest and most vicious species of animal in all of Southeast Asia. They named it Ampatuans sp.

However, I started to doubt the scientists’ claim about the viciousness of the newly discovered species when I read this other headline:

Here’s the shocking part. While scientists insist that Ampatuans sp. is a new species, my other sources say the vicious animal has been existent for decades. In fact, Philippine President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo has been breeding the species since she rose into power.

Now, some people are asking: is she not afraid of Ampatuans sp.? After all, they kill. I don’t know for sure but this headline hints that she is:

This just in: To prevent the Ampatuans sp. from harming President Arroyo, her allies have decided to just “release” the animals from the Malacañang zoo.

Warning: The Ampatuans could be anywhere right now. Remember: They kill.

So be vigilant. And don’t be afraid of this vicious species.
May araw din sila.

For your reference:

[Photo released by the Presidential Close-in Photographer’s Office]