DANNY

Daniel Smith is Free
The Court of Appeals (CA) has acquitted Lance Corporal Daniel Smith of raping “Nicole.” In reversing the lower court’s decision, the appeals court stated: “What we see was the unfolding of a spontaneous, unplanned romantic episode with both parties carried away by their passions and stirred up by the urgency of the moment.” Or as “kanto” boys would say, “libog lang ‘yan.”

daniel_smith Daniel Smith has been acquitted by the Court of Appeals. CA justices believe that Smith must be released right away because he’s innocent, he has to start a new life, and he needs to lose some pounds.

In its decision, the Court of Appeals described as “deceptive posturing” the portrayal of Nicole as “a demure provinciana lass.” If it’s any consolation, only Nicole’s lawyer believed her.

Acquitted of rape by the Court of Appeals, Lance Corporal Daniel Smith is reportedly on his way back to the US. When Suzette “Nicole” Nicolas heard this, she said, “Naku teka, kailangang magpa-parlor.”

mar Did you see Sen. Mar Roxas’ reaction on TV when he heard the news that Daniel Smith immediately left the country after being acquitted by the CA? Roxas said, “Mismong sa sariling bansa natin ay binabastos tayo.” Wait a minute. Did he really say that? Does he even know how we feel whenever his “padyak” political ad is shown tv? ‘Yon ang paulit-ulit na pambabastos!

failon3 ABS-CBN Slammed
Media critics slammed ABS-CBN News for its biased and “over the top” coverage of the Trinidad Etong-Ted Failon case. But ABS-CBN President Charo Santos-Concio immediately apologized, and vowed, “Sa Maala-ala Mo Kaya episode namin next week, gagawin naming homicidal summa cum laude graduate si Ted. At ‘yong mga pulis naman, good people na. Promise.”

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“Justice is always violent to the party offending, for every man is innocent in his own eyes.”
~Daniel Defoe

NICOLE

nicole2 The day’s biggest news? Suzette Nicolas or “Nicole” is now saying she may have not been raped by Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. She has recunted.

In her sworn statement, Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole stated that she wasn’t sure if she was indeed raped by the American Marine. (Kami rin.)

Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony. And Mike Defensor has just appeared on TV saying, “Don’t look at me!”

I have yet to verify this but I just got word that Suzette Nicolas’ middle name is “Mahusay.” Pinsan daw niya si Udong.

dansmith So it all boils down to this. Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony against American marine Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. Smith has reportedly paid 50,000 pesos in exemplary damages and another 50,000 in moral damages. After the recantation though, the court might just reduce the amount paid for moral damages to 50 pesos.

In her sworn statement, Suzette Nicolas or Nicole recanted her testimony against American marine Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. But isn’t that what US President Barack Obama had promised? Change!

Sought for a comment, Nicole told the Professional Heckler, “Change? Yes, I can!”

Susan Nicolas, Nicole’s mother told the press that they have “suffered for so long,” they have “gotten so tired,” and despite joining a number of anti-US rallies, they still don’t know what the letters V, F, and A stand for.

dansmith2 In her sworn statement, Nicole stated that “I may have in fact been so friendly and intimate with Daniel Smith,” and that “we simply just got carried away.” In other words, before Smith went on top of her, they had a “visiting force agreement.”

As you all know, Suzette Nicolas a.k.a. Nicole has recanted her testimony against Lance Corporal Daniel Smith. Her mom says she has left for the US to be with her American boyfriend, a Marine soldier she met in Zamboanga City. Tomorrow, Mrs. Nicolas will release another statement expressing their support for the VFA.

nicole Have you read Nicole’s sworn statement? Before some people accuse me of picking on their school, it’s stated there guys. She’s Atenean!

Nope, there’s no truth to the rumor that the story of “Nicole” will be featured in “Maalaala Mo Kaya’s” special episode called… “Ang Birhen.”

ursua And finally, the economy is so bad… Attorney Evalyn Ursua has just lost her job!

Top 6 Messages Left on Suzette Nicolas’ a.k.a. Nicole’s Voice Mailbox

6: “Hello Suzette! Nanay mo ‘to! Ano ngang number ni Daniel? Nagtatanong ang ate mo!”

5: “Si Attorney ‘to! Naknamput… alam mo ba kung anong kahihiyan ang ginawa mo?”

4: “Danny here. I know you’ve missed me. Wanna visit me tonight?”

3: “Nanay mo ulit ito. May matanda bang kapatid ‘yang boyfriend mo d’yan? Pengeng number!”

2: “Hi Nicole. Sa Inquirer ‘to. Did you see your front page photo today? In fairness, kami lang ang naglakas-loob na iladlad ang pagmumukha mo. Kainis ka na kasi!”

And the No. 1 message left on Nicole’s voice mailbox…

1: “Hello? Shi Shuzette Nicolash ba ito? O iha, pashalamat ka kay Preshedente Obama ‘noh? At leassht, nasha Yu-Esh ka na. Ang shaya-shaya ‘di ba?”

This Just In!
Sketchy reports say former Press Secretary Ignacio Bunye is calling for a press con to present the real Nicole. Apparently, there were two.

jalos In Other News…
Last Sunday, convicted murderer Rolito Go was allowed to leave the maximum security complex of the New Bilibid Prisons. That was less than a month after the release of Ninoy Aquino’s 10 killers. Today, reports say, convicted rapist and former Zamboanga del Norte congressman Romeo Jalosjos was ordered released from the National Bilibid Prisons by Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez. When they read the news, North Koreans, Burmese, Cubans, and Uzbeks became green with envy. The Philippines is a “free” country indeed!

pacquiao Serious Stuff: Money on Manny’s Mind
A reliable source told The Professional Heckler that Solar Sports will file a suit against Manny Pacquiao for breach of contract. This, after Pacquiao reportedly signed a deal with ABS-CBN despite his existing contract with Solar Sports. My source said, “Inilaglag ni Manny ang Solar at GMA 7.” A sports columnist has written earlier that Pacquiao chose the network because it offered him full media support to ensure victory in the next year’s congressional elections.” Sigh.

Survey Says…
What is the most “jologs” FM station?
Results:
Barangay LS: 50%
101.9 For Life: 30%
Love Radio: 9%
YES FM: 3%
Energy: 3%
Mellow Touch: 2%
Others: 3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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“A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity.”
~ Baltasar Gracia

LOVE IN THE TIME OF POLITICS

Top 10 Political Valentine Card Messages

10. To Lance Corporal Daniel Smith
From New Bilibid Prisons Inmates

Roses are red
Violets are blue
We’re so excited
Can’t wait for you.

9. To The Senate
From Jocjoc Bolante

How do I lie thee?
Let me count the ways.

8. To the Three Alabang Boys
From PDEA Director Dionisio Santiago

O, drug dealers na makapangyarihan
Sampung prosecutors ang nasasaklawan
Kapag pumasok kayo saan mang kulungan
Susuhulan lahat lumaya ka lamang.

7. To DOJ Prosecutor John Resado
From The Alabang Boys

Thank you for tryin’
we appreciate it
Just return our money
or get mired in deep shit.

6. To All German Nationals in the Philippines
From Sen. Lito Lapid with Love on Valentine’s Day

Penpen de sarapen
De kutsilyo de almasen
Haw haw de carabao
De van hauten.

5. To Loren
From Your ex, Tony Leviste

All alone in my cell, I think of you my darling
Will you visit me today for an hour of canoodling?
I’ve got a bed, two soft pillows, and a tv set to boot
I vow to be gentle, I promise not to shoot!

4. To Ping and Jamby
From Manny Villar

On Valentine’s Day I forgive, I forget
Just stop the big fuss about the C-5 budget
Double insertion? Did you say I’m guilty?
My wife’s a billionaire so that’s a baloney!

3. To Korina
From Mar Roxas

Thanks for the support oh my dearest one
Next year, I promise, we’ll be in Malacañang
“First Lady” of the land, isn’t that what you wanted?
And I, your President, ‘tang ina, I’m excited!

2. To The World Bank and the Senate
From First Gentleman Mike Arroyo

On this day of hearts, I appeal to thee
My heart is so weak, so please have some mercy
Hearsay! Malicious! The reports are baseless
Even if you ask Merceditas Gutierrez!

And the No. 1 Political Valentine Card Message…

1. To President Arroyo
From US President Barack Obama

I really am sorry for ignoring you dear
I just don’t feel comfy whenever you’re near
My target is to make the U.S.A. better
While your only goal is to change a Charter!
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Another New York Plane Crash
A Continental Express plane with 48 people aboard crashed into a Buffalo home in upstate New York. But here’s a more shocking revelation. Unknown to everyone, during US President Barack Obama’s inauguration, a commercial plane ran out of gas while flying over Washington DC. Luckily, the pilot safely landed the aircraft… on Aretha Franklin’s hat.

paule Paule in Pasay
Remember businessman Jaime Paule? The alleged bagman in the P728M fertilizer fund scam who was ordered arrested by the Senate at the St. Luke’s Medical Center is now detained at the Pasay City jail. Isn’t that a double whammy? Makukulong ka na nga lang sa Pasay City Jail pa! And did you see the detention cell? That’s not a jail man. That’s a cage!

Australian Wildfires
Australian authorities have arrested an arson suspect responsible for the wildfires that have so far killed 181 people and left thousands homeless. Nope, there’s no truth to rumors that the suspect was arrested at the St. Luke’s Medical Center.

Elsewhere…
Check out the fascinating story about a boy who fathered a child at 13.
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Survey Says…
Are you going out on a romantic date on Valentine’s Day?
Results:
No: 36%
Date? What date?! : 32%
Hopefully: 18%
Yes: 14%
Others: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
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“Minamalat na naman ang puso ko. Pa’no kasi, laging isinisigaw ang pangalan mo.”
~Filipino Pick-up Line