OF DATES AND DEBATES


Pacman Interpellates
World boxing champion and anti-RH Bill solon Manny Pacquiao slugged it out with veteran lawmaker Edcel Lagman in Congress last Wednesday night. It was a mismatch. The welterweight was exposed as a lightweight.

Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman thus snapped Manny Pacquiao’s 14-bout winning streak.

Did you see the Pacquiao-Lagman bout last Wednesday? Even if Pacman used steroids, he would have still lost that one.

Before he interpellated Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao told the media he spent the whole night reading and studying the RH Bill. It didn’t show.

After 12 rounds of Q&A, Lagman scored well in research; Pacquiao, scored fairly in reading.

Although the main event was lackluster, the undercard was thrilling and entertaining. Mommy Dionisia Pacquiao posted her first career win when Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago decided to throw in the towel.

Defending her son against Senator Santiago’s advice that he should “stay out of the RH Bill debate,” a fuming Mommy Dionisia said, “Ang pakialaman nila ‘yong malaswa. Gusto ko ang pakialaman nila ‘yong malaswaaaaaaa!” To which Willie Revillame said, “O? Ano na namang ginawa ko?”

Quoting God, Cong. Manny Pacquiao said everyone must “go out to the world and multiply.” His statement was seconded by the CBCP, anti-RH Bill groups, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.


Sperminator
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The kid is now a fourth grader at the International Cyborg Institute.

Former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child outside of his marriage. The other son was identified as Jose Victor or JV.

Arnold Schwarzenegger kept the child secret for 10 years. Maria Shriver discovered it with the help of US Navy SEALs.


Bilibid Or Not
Bureau of Corrections director Ernesto Diokno is in hot water these days. This, after ABS-CBN cameras caught convicted killer and former Batangas governor Antonio Leviste outside the New Bilibid Prisons, specifically, in Makati and Binondo – at least four times. Rumors say Diokno is on his way out. In fact, his post has been offered to Anthony Taberna.

According to records, former Batangas governor Antonio Leviste is a ‘living out’ inmate – meaning, he is free to move around the New Bilibid Prisons (NBP). The records didn’t explain though how Binondo and Makati City became part of the NBP.


Noy’s New Date
President Aquino invited a certain Bunny Calica to a date last Monday. Reports say Bunny is 27 years old, very simple, intelligent, and the type of person who wouldn’t say no to the elderly.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Bunny Calica had dinner with Baby James and Joshua Aquino at the Bahay Pangarap in Malacañang recently. The information came from the fourth member of President Aquino’s Communications Group, Kris Aquino.

According to Kris, while having dinner, Baby James or Bimby asked Bunny, “Are you my tito’s girlfriend?” It was the President who answered, “No. But I hope so.” And then there was an awkward moment when Bimby said, “Hope? My daddy too.”

Top 5 Things Bunny Calica Shouldn’t Say if Baby James Asked, “Are you my tito’s girlfriend?”

No. 5: “Anak ka nga ng ina mo!”

No. 4: “You wish!”

No. 3: “Puwede na rin. End of the world na naman bukas eh.”

No. 2: “Actually, I’m your tito’s boyfriend. Mahaba lang ang buhok ko.”

And the No. 1 thing Bunny Calica shouldn’t say if Baby James asked, “Are you my tito’s girlfriend?”

“No Tito Boy. We’re just friends.”
—————————————————————
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
~Charles Schultz

Quote of the Weak
“As you know I am still single. If I ever get a chance to go out on a date, it seems that I have invited the entire Filipino people to join me on that date. And I wonder who gave them the right.”
~ President Noynoy Aquino

– Eh ‘di magsumbong ka sa lolo mong panot!
You don’t want attention? STAY HOME! Problema ba ‘yon?

Have a great weekend!

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KRISSY/MANNY

“HELLO THERE! I’m baaaaack! Gosh ‘di na ‘ko sanay! More than one year din kasi akong natengga ‘di ba? Remember, I left ‘The Buzz’ before the 2010 elections. Feeling ko tuloy, talunang Liberal Party candidate ako. Oooops, how mean of me to say that! Ayaw ni Ate Koring ng ganyan! Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, na-miss ko ‘to! Shobra! Kasi naman, ‘yong ‘The Price Is Right,’ parang wala lang ‘di ba? Hindi pa nag-rate. Aha-ha-ha. At least, honest ako! Promise, hindi talaga siya nag-rate!

Anyway, babalik na po ang Today With Kris soon! It will be called “KrisTV.” In fairness to me huh, ‘yong mga morning talk shows sa kabila, nawala nang lahat pero ako pabalik pa lang. Winner ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha!

Before I introduce my special guest sa mock episode na ito ng ‘Today With Kris,’ gusto ko lang kumpirmahin sa mga followers ko sa Twitter… yup, my brother is dating again. And yes, I know the girl! Hay naku! The Inquirer kasi was so kulit so I was compelled to make kwento. The girl is Bunny Calica. Gosh, sorry Noy. Here I go again. ‘Di bale, promise last na daldal ko na ‘to. Basta, they’re dating and my sons Bimby and Josh have met her na in Malacañang when I made iwan the kids to Noy. She’s so pretty in fairness. I love her na – as of press time! Aha-ha-ha. But you know what? Magaling siya. Magaling siyang yaya. Aha-ha-ha I’m just kidding.  Love, love, love! Baka mamisinterpret na naman ako. Alam mo na! ‘Yon lang muna. Okay? Enough na! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Noy. Move on na tayo mga Kapamilya!

Just like everyone else, super excited po ako sa una nating guest! Naloloka ako sa dami ng issues sa kanya! Did you hear what he said the other day? “Go to the world and multiply!” Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko siya kinaya! Go to the world talaga??? Where in the world? Aha-ha-ha! I’m sure excited na kayong lahat na makita siya! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… the 2-timing, 8-time world champion, Sarangani Representative Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao!”


Manny Pacquiao (MP): Maraming salamat Kris! Salamat po sa inyong lahat. Maraming maraming salamat. Think you. Think you.
Kris Aquino: Grabehhh, opening line mo pa lang, napaisip talaga ako! Think ako nang think! Aha-ha-ha! Kaloka ka! Anyway, mabuti naman at pinayagan ka ng kabila na mag-guest dito sa ABS-CBN Congressman.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Di naman nila alam. Kaya pag napanood nila itu, tiyak kasu ang aabutin mu! Hihihi Juks lang.
Kris: In fairness, hindi ka amusing.
MP: Uki lang! ‘Di ko naman alam kung ano ‘yong amusing. Hihihi Juks lang!

Kris: Hay naku Congressman, puro ka biro. Let’s go straight na nga lang sa mga issues! RH Bill. Bakit ayaw mo sa RH Bill?
MP: Siyimpri.
Kris: What?
MP: Ayaw ni Miyor Atienza eh. So ayaw ku rin.

Kris: Nabanggit mo sa TV interviews na labag sa kautusan ng Diyos ang RH Bill??? Is that so?
MP: Oo, is that so.
Kris: May sinabi bang gano’n si Lord?
MP: Uu naman. Kasi, sabi ng Mahal na Panginuun sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Bakit? Sinabi ba ng Panginuun na “Go to the world and RH Bill?” Wala naman ‘di ba?
Kris: May point ka! Aha-ha-ha
MP: Is that so? Hihihi

Kris: Sa isang interview noon kay Jinkee, inamin niyang gumamit siya ng pills para ‘di mabuntis. Si Jinkee ba, pro- o anti-RH Bill?
MP: Anti-RH si Jinkee.
Kris: Ano ba ‘yong RH? Rhanillo? Rhufamae? Rhamina? Aha-ha-ha! Joke lang!
MP: You’re not a muse sing! ‘Di ba nakatatlong lalaki ka rin naman?
Kris: Excuuuuuuuse me! Isa lang ang pinakasalan ko.
MP: Eh panu, kasal pa sina Feelip at Joey noong maging boylits mu. Hihihi

Kris: You know what? Nakakainis ka! Balik na nga lang tayo sa isyu. Have you ever used a condom?
MP: Ay hindi. Ayuku ng cundum. Walang fillings.
Kris: Are you sure? Never ka pang gumamit ng condom kahit sa ibang babae?
MP: Sekkkkrit, walang clue. Hihihi

Kris: What do you think of sex education?
MP: No. I don’t think of six education.
Kris: Ohhhh-kay.

Kris: Nag-threaten ang ilang anti-RH Bill groups na ‘di sila magbabayad ng tax once the RH Bill is approved. Susuportahan mo ba ang panawagan nila?
MP: Hindi! Madaya naman ‘yon. Ang laki-laki ng tax na ibinibigay ko ‘tapos sila hindi magbabayad? Wala sa Bible ‘yon!

Kris: Sabi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, stick to boxing and do not meddle with the RH Bill issue. Any reaction?
MP: Niririspito natin ang mahal na sinadura piro sana, maintindihan n’ya na wala naman ako sa meddle. Nasa tabi nga lang ako at nakikinig. Mali man siya.
Kris: Hinahamon ka rin niya ng suntukan.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Wag lang Inglisan. Baka ma-knock out tayo dun. Hihihi

Kris: Iwan na natin ang RH Bill dahil medyo mabigat na usapin ‘yan. Let’s talk about Jinkee. Ibang-iba na raw ang hitsura niya? Ano bang secret beauty regimen niya?
MP: Ano ba ‘yong regimen? Puwidi, mag-Tagalog na lang tayo Kris kasi nasa Pilipinas naman tayo?
Kris: Aray ko! Kasi naman ‘yung mga writers ng show, English ang nasa cue card! Na-lektyuran tuloy ako! Aha-ha-ha Ganito na lang: ano ang sikreto ng kagandahan ni Jinkee?
MP: Siyimpre babai.
Kris: Babae? What do you mean?
MP: Ganitu kasi ‘yan Kris. Kapag may tsismis na may babai aku, wala ‘yang ginawa kundi mag-Bilo. Bilo siya nang Bilo. Hanggang nabago na ang mukha niya at kamukha na nga siya ni Kristine Hirmusa. Kaya ‘yun tinigil ku na ang pambababai ku. Mautak din ang asawa ku ‘di ba?


Kris: Alam ng lahat Manny na noong nakaraang eleksyon, magkaiba tayo ng sinuportahan sa pagka-presidente. Inaway pa nga kita sa Twitter ‘di ba? Gosh, nagba-blush ka!
MP: Eh kasi, passed is passed. ‘Wag na nating ungkatin ‘yon.
Kris: Hindeee kasi gusto ko lang itanong sa ‘yo: nagsisisi ka ba sa pagsuporta mo sa talunang kandidato?
MP: Alam mo Kris, wala man akung pinagsisihan sa mga ginawa ku. Piro kung tatanungin mu aku kung tama ba ang nanalung kandidatu… taumbayan na lang ang huhusga. Piro sa akin, ang importante magkaisa tayu, magtulungan tayo para mawala ang kahirapan.
Kris: May tama ka! If you would allow me please Congressman, I’d like to take this opportunity para magpahatid ng mensahe sa mga naninira kay Noy dahil mababa daw ang ratings niya. Well… inggit lang kayo dahil never n’yong naabot ang 80 plus percent na approval and trust rating ng kapatid ko. ‘Yon lang! And pleaaaaaaaase! Alisin ang inggit sa katawan, okay?

Kris: Before we end, we’ll have a game. Siyempre, isa lang naman ang paboritong laro ng bayan ‘di ba? I’m sorry Tita Cory Vidanes pero I must say this. Hangga’t may ‘Pinoy Henyo’ ang ‘Eat Bulaga,’ hindi ito matatalo ng ‘Happy Yipee Yahoo…’ or something like that. Sorry talaga! Mariel, Pokey, friends ko kayo pero tanggapin natin, ‘Eat Bulaga’ is ‘Eat Bulaga!’
MP: And Anna Dezon is Anna Dezon!
Kris: Nakakaloka ka Congressman! Aha-ha-ha Kilala mo rin si Anna Dizon?
MP: Hindi. Piro lagi kung naririnig ‘yang linyang ‘yan. Tika, anu bang game?
Kris: Ayyyyy! Not listening. We’ll do Pinoy Henyo nga. Huhulaan mo ang isang word or phrase by asking Yes, No, or Puwede questions. Audience and everyone at home, the Henyo Word is (word appears on television screen): “Condom.” Kayo lang ang nakakaalam. Si Pacman, hindi. So Manny… we have 2 minutes. Go!

Manny: Tao ba ‘to?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Bagay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Makulay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Rainbow?
Kris: Hindeeee!

Manny: Kinakain?
Kris: Ahmmm… ‘di ko pa na-try. Gosh! Gusto kong mag-blush!

Manny: Anu ba talaga? Ang gulu mu! Kinakain ba?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Isinusuot?
Kris: Kurek!

Manny: Sa taas?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Sa gitna?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Brief!???
Kris: Puwede!

Manny: Puwiding brief? Ahm.. boxer?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Boxers?
Kris: Sabi nang hindi!

Manny: Suot ko ngayon?
Kris: Hindi ko alam! Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Malaki ba ‘to?
Kris: Depende!

Manny: Kung isusuot ko ba, kakasya ang large sa akin?
Kris: Gosh! Naloloka na ako! Hindi ko sure! Aha-ha-ha!

Manny: Matigas?
Kris: I swear, hindi ko kinakaya ‘to! Naalala kong bigla si James. Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Isinusuot mo ba ‘to kay James?
Kris: Touch lang. Pero suot? Noooooo!

Manny: Masarap ba ‘yon?
Kris: Sometimes.

Manny: Sometimes when you touch? Hihihi Nako, ang hirap naman.
Kris: Sige na! Guess ka pa! 10 seconds to go.

Manny: Ayoko na! Pastilan!
Kris: Ay.. kainizzz. Siret ka na?
Manny: Ano bang sagot? Baka Inglis ‘yan huh.
Kris: You almost got it eh! Sayang. It’s a condom. Sorry. You won nothing. Awwhhhhh.
Manny: Ngik! Kaya pala ‘di ku alam eh. Cundum pala. Wala naman sa Bible ‘yan. Sus!

Manny: Puwidi na lang bumati?
Kris: Sure!
Manny: Unang-una sa lahat maraming salamat sa Panginuun, ‘tapos sa mga fans at sa mga kababayan nating walang sawang sumupurta sa akin. Kung wala kayo, wala si Manny Pacquiao kaya think you. Salamat din sa supurta nina Atty. Felipe Gozon, Mr. Jimmy Duavit…
Kris: Oh my God! I think we need to pause for a break…
Manny: Kunti na lang. ‘Wag n’yu pung kalimutan Shumi Damani tuwing Linggo pagkatapos ng…
Kris: I’m so dead. Enough na talaga!
Manny: Pagkatapos ng Kap’s Amazing Stories! ‘Tapos nasa ‘Party Pilipinas’ ako sa Linggo. Maraming salamat! Maraming maraming salamat.
Kris: I’m sorry Ma’am Charo! Mga Kapamilya… ganyan po talaga kapag live show. You’ll never know kung anong mangyayari! Despite that, any final message Congressman?


Manny: Katulad nga pu ng sabi sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Huwag po nating suwayin ang utus ng Panginoon. Hindi po sinabi ng Diyos na ikuntrul ang anak sa dalawa. Wala po ‘yun sa Bible. Kaya Kris, sundan mo na sina Bimby at Jushua!
Kris: Idinamay pa talaga ako? Iba ka talaga Manny! Ayoko nang manganak ‘no! Expensive at masakit magpa-lipo!
Manny: Lipo? Naku masama talaga ‘yan.
Kris: Why? Naranasan mo nang magpa-lipo?
Manny: Hindi! Nasa Bible ba ‘yan!

-End of Interview-
—————————————————–
“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”
~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935

You Have Spoken
Ano ang stand mo sa nakabinbing RH Bill sa Kongreso?
Ipasa! 81.26%
– Ibasura! 10.3%
– Pag-aaralan ko muna. 8.43%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: PNoy’s new date?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: MVP in the NBA

The New York Times: In Philippine Newsrooms, the Women Rule

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay away from trouble. Be safe!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERAP!


Top 10 Text Messages Received by Former President Joseph Estrada on His 74th Birthday

No. 10: “Pare, ‘musta? ‘Tagal na nating ‘di nagkikita ah. Painom ka naman! Walang beer dito eh! Please reply. FPJ”

No. 9: “Take care Daddy! The kids and I are so proud of you. And I’m thankful na ikaw ang ama ng aking mga anak. Aminin mo, sila lang ang mukhang artistahin among your children. Siyempre naman, mana yata sa ina. Joooke! Love you Dad. See you later.  Mmmwah, Laarni”

No. 8: “Ang kapal ng mukha n’ya! Burahin mo ang previous message! Burahin mo ‘yan kung ayaw mong mag-away na naman tayo! Hanggang ngayon ba naman nakikipagkita ka pa rin sa babaeng ‘yan? ‘Wag mo ‘kong galitin. –- Mad na, Doctora Loi”

No. 7: “Ayyy! Bakit may insecure na nag-txt? Bitterness? Hay naku Papa, mabuti na lang naka-move on na ako. Hindi katulad ni texter No. 8. Ang mahalaga, we’re friends at ang unico ijo natin ang paborito mong anak na lalaki. On behalf of JV, stay healthy Joseph. Thanks for everything. Happy birthday! –- Gumigiya pa rin after all these years, Guia.”

No. 6: “Mahal na Pangulo, binabati kita sa iyong kaarawan. Maraming salamat sa suporta mo. Five years na lang, akin na ang palasyo. Bahagi ka ng nakatakdang tagumpay na ‘to. Sure na! –- Kitakits sa 2016, Jojo Binay”

No. 5: “(Forwarded message) Hi babe. Pupuntahan kita sa condo mamaya. Maligo ka huh. At ‘yong Viagra, paki-ready. Hinihintay ko lang na makaalis ng bahay ‘tong matanda kong asawa para makatakas ako. I love you Cheesecake! –> AH GANUN!? MATANDA PALA HUH! NA-WRONG SEND KA G*GO! SINO SI CHEESECAKE? SINOOO!?!! TXT BACK!” –- Doctora Loi”

No. 4: “Mr. President, puwede ba akong dumaan sa inyo mamaya? Ipinagluto kasi kita ng chicken-pork adobo, embotido, afritada at Pinoy spaghetti. At dahil Holy Week naman ngayon, baka puwedeng kalimutan na natin ang nakaraan. Sa totoo lang, na-miss ko kayo. Txt me na lang kung wala d’yan si Jinggoy para walang problema. –- Ping”

No. 3.1: “’Buti ka pa 74 na; samantalang ako, inabot lang ng 67. ‘Tapos lately, minamalas pa yata sa gobyernong ‘to. Ingat na lang p’re. See you soon! –- Naghihintay ng hustisya, Bubby Dacer”

No. 3: “last txt ko na 2 ser. ala na kong panload eh. bka lang kc sabihin nyo nkalimut n q. d pa po. sana klala nyo p q. hapi bday na lang ser. –- Hindi matahimik, Emmanuel Corbito “

No. 2: “Hello there!!! Gosh, it’s your birthday pala Mr. Former President! Kung ‘di pa sinabi sa akin ni Mareng Precy, I won’t remember, promise! Unang-una, gushto kong magpasalamat sa ‘yo for running in the 2010 elections. Kung ‘di ka siguro tumakbo, baka orange ang kulay ngayon ng gobyerno, hindi yellow. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Pangalawa, ahmmm… Ay! Wala na palang pangalawa. Nakakalokah! Wala akong maisip. Aha-ha-ha! Happy happy berrrrthhhhday na lang! May you have many many more mistresses to cum. Ay, ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko?!? Quiet na nga lang ako. I’m sure, papagalitan na naman ako ni Noy! Aha-ha-ha! –- Peace, Krissy! (Aha-ha-ha-ha)”

And the No. 1 text message received by former President Joseph Estrada on his 74th birthday…

“Tigilan mo na ang pagbatikosh sha akin! Shumushobra ka na! Wala kang utang na loob! Baka nakakalimutan mo… kung hindi dahil sha akin, baka sha kulungan ka pa rin nagbi-birthday hanggang ngayon! So pleashe lang! Stop it! –- Justice for Merci, Justice for Mikey! Justice for me, Glori!”

Ooops, may pahabol na text!
“Dear Mr. President, Pasensya na po! Ngayon ko lang naalalang birthday mo nga pala. Napakagulo kasi ng isip ko ngayon. Inom na lang tayo. Kailangan kong makalimot. Senator Chiz.”
—————————————————–
“Binabalaan ko sila. Walang kaibigan, walang kumpare, walang kamag-anak o anak na maaaring magsamantala sa ngayon. At ngayon pa lamang sinasabi ko sa inyo, nag-aaksaya lamang kayo ng panahon. Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Ejercito Estrada, 13th President of the Philippines
1998 Inaugural

Today is April 19th
On this day in…

607: Comet 1P/607 H1 (Halley) approaches Earth… sees unrest in the Middle East, earthquakes in Asia, poverty in Africa, and Charlie Sheen in America, and decides to reverse direction.

1882: Charles Darwin died. Apparently, he was not the fittest.

1882: Charles Darwin died. He stopped evolving.

1937: Doña Mary Ejercito delivered a joke… and named it “Joseph.”

1951: General Douglas MacArthur retires from the military. He never returned.

1993: A fire killed 40 people in a psychiatric institute in South Korea. That was insane!

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope. However, his running mate, the candidate for the vice papacy, Cardinal Mar lost to Cardinal Jejomar.

Thanks to Wikipedia, History On-This-Day, and Today in Science History.

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Have a safe and fun vacation! Let’s go Lakers!

V DAY


Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Just so you know, President Aquino is a certified member of SMV: $amahan ng Mamahalin ang Vehicle$.

Rumors say President Aquino wants a palm plant on Valentine’s Day. Wanna know why? ‘Coz that’s the only sure way he could get a date.

This just in! The President has decided to change his relationship status on Facebook: from “Single,” to “So what?!”

On Valentine’s Day, the president’s youngest sister Kris is celebrating her 40th birthday. Kaya sa ating lahat… ingat!

Singlehood
101 Answers to the Question: Why are you still single? Right click to read it here.


Mubarak Resigns
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has stepped down as leader of Egypt. He left the presidential palace together with his weeping wife and children on a boat via the Nile River.

Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak resigned as president and handed control to the Armed Forces. Following the transfer of power, Egypt’s military generals were each given 50,000 Egyptian pounds as ‘pasalubong.’

Hosni Mubarak is no longer president of Egypt. His critics are now demanding the creation of a Truth Commission.


People power has forced Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak out of Cairo. In six years, expect former First Lady Suzanne Mubarak to seek the presidency of Egypt.

Hosni Mubarak stepped down as president of Egypt, and left Cairo around 12:15 AM on Saturday, Manila time. Minutes later, the Marcoses were on Twitter playing “Senti Sabado.”

Egyptians partied all night as they hailed the resignation of President Hosni Mubarak. Halfway through the celebration, the Black Eyed Peas performed.

Hosni Mubarak has resigned as leader of Egypt after 30 years in power. Asked how he felt for Mubarak, Vice President Jejomar Binay said “I don’t know. We’ve only been in power for 24 years!”

Less than a day after telling Egyptians he was not stepping down, Hosni Mubarak changed his mind and left the presidential Abdeen Palace in Old Cairo. He is now living an ordinary life at No. 1 Polk Street, Sharm el-Sheikh City, Egypt.

Trillanes Flip-flops
Last February 1, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV categorically stated in front of journalists that former Defense Sec. Angelo Reyes was the “powerful man” behind former military comptroller Carlos F. Garcia. Nine days later, he had an apparent change of mind and claimed it wasn’t Reyes after all. Geez, who do you think are? Hosni Mubarak?

Nine days after telling the whole world that former Defense Sec. Angelo Reyes was the “powerful man” behind retired Major. General Carlos F. Garcia, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV flip-flopped and stated it wasn’t Reyes but someone else. Nine days from now, Trillanes is expected to reverse himself and say that Reyes has, in fact a reputation to protect.

Rich and Ugly
To marry a non-handsome but rich guy: this was the response of 57 percent of Filipino women surveyed by the Social Weather Stations. Liz Uy wasn’t one of them.

According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 51 percent of Filipinos prefer someone who is rich though ugly. They were described as ‘practical.’ The remaining 49 percent was ‘choosy.’
—————————-
“It’s better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones!” – Author Unknown

“Did he really say that?” Moment
“Maganda pero boba! Alam mo kung bakit? Magha-hire ako ng tutor. Ipasok mo sa eskwela. Pag-aralin mo. Natututunan naman ‘yan eh. Kesa naman pangit, araw-araw pag gising mo sa umaga ‘yung mukhang pangit [ang makikita mo]. Iiwan mo rin ‘yun balang araw.”
~ABS-CBN news anchor Julius Babao

Survey Says
Interesado ka na ba ngayon sa football? Manonood ka na ba ng larong ito?
– OO naman. Matagal na. 41.25%
– Hindi pa rin. Wala akong kainte-interes d’yan. 25.31%
– If only for the Azkals, why not? 33.44%

Elsewhere
ABS-CBN News: Robles: Malacañang knew it wasn’t Reyes but did nothing

Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism: The final words of Angelo Reyes

William Esposo (Philippine Star): Haunted by the ghost of Angie Reyes

Newsbreak: The troubled times of Angie Reyes

Manila Standard Today: Tañada vs. Tañada


More Personal
Monday.
Undercard: Heat vs. Boston. #beattheheat
Main Event: Lakers vs. Magic #beattheheat pa rin!
Let’s go Lakers!

Wala Lang
“Oo, inaamin ko, saging lang kami. Pero maghanap ka ng puno sa buong Pilipinas, saging lang ang may puso! Saging lang ang may puso!” – Mark Lapid, “Apoy sa Dibdib ng Samar”

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MESSAGES


HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRESIDENT Benigno Simeon “Noynoy’ Aquino III. This has been a hectic day for the President. He’s been busy answering questions like, “Kailan ka mag-aasawa?” and “Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pagkamatay ni Secretary Reyes?”

On his 51st birthday, President Aquino went to the Land Transportation Office to renew his driver’s license. Talk about priorities.

Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on President Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 10: “Hi Noy! Krissy here. Gosh! You’re 51 na!. In fairness huh, you don’t look your age. Para ka lang 50. Aha-ha-ha. Get back to you later. Taping lang ng ‘The Price Is Right’ – magpa-pilot on my birthday. Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko kinakaya ang sarili ko Noy! Pati sa answering machine mo, nagpu-promote ako! Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 9: “Hi Noy! Si Shalani ‘to. Ok.Thx.Bye!”

No. 8: “Oist! Ang bagal mo! ‘Asan ka na ba? Paubos na ang pulutan. Bilisan mo. Si Topaquits to. Kanpaiii!”

No. 7: “Mr. President, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko ginustong agawan ka ng atensyon sa iyong kaarawan. Pero nandito na ‘to eh, wala na akong magagawa. Hindi ko naman puwedeng bawiin. Happy birthday na lang! Si Angie Reyes nga pala ‘to.”

No. 6: “Ni hao ma! ‘Kaw ba ‘yan Plisidinte? Donald Tsang ‘to. Pati birdei, iyo telefono bisi. Ako dalawa ulit tawag iyo, lagi sabi, “Da numbel you dial is test-drybing. Ano ba iyo test dryb: Lexus? Ako naman gusto lang bati iyo. Pero phone mo naka-answeling machine. Hayyy na ko. Eniwei, hapi birdei. Pa-borger ka naman. Gusto ko borger sa McDo. Kasi McDonald Tsang. Ay korni. Ang korni ko. Ba bu na!”

No. 5: “Mahal na pangulo, hulaan mo na lang kung sino ako. Clue: Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron kang free will, gamitin mo ito. Happy birthday!”

No. 4: “Pards! Rico E. Puno ‘to! ‘Musta na? Naks! Singkwenta’y uno! Parang waist line ko lang! Happy birthday pards! Siguro naman, nalimutan na ng publiko ang mga kasalanan ko ‘no?! Babalik din ako d’yan kapag tuluyan nang natabunan ang isyu ng carjacking. Imagine na lang kung bumalik ako d’yan two weeks ago, wala akong maisasagot! Ano ako hilo? Don’t worry, I have pasalubong! Mahaba. Matigas. Maitim. Pumuputok! Ha ha ha! I know u missed me! Aminin! Sige pards… happy birthday ulit!”

No. 3: “Gosh! Sino ba ‘yong nag-iwan ng Message No. 4? He’s so… basta! He’s so! Hay naku Noy! You and the friends you keep talaga! Anyway, si Krissy ulit ‘to! Umiiyak na naman si Bimby, ano baaaa!? Naloka talaga ako nang lumapit kanina ang bagets. Nagsusumbong siya! Aha-ha-ha! “Mama, Tito Noy took my PSP. Mama, get it na from him.” Nakakaloka ka! Puwede, pakibalik? Now na!”

No. 2: “Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Wusshuuuu! Tampo ka na ‘no? Akala mo nalimutan ko na ang birthday mo? Puwede ba naman ‘yon? Kahit laging si Chiz ang kasama mo sa iyong Porsche, ‘di kita pwedeng balewalain! Sayang ang endorsement sa 2016 noh! Jooooke! O siya, enjoy your day. Try to get some ok? Joooke! Seriously pare, you need a girlfriend. Gumaya ka sa akin, almost perfect ang buhay. Happy sa wife, panalo ang sex life. Joooke!”

And the No. 1 birthday message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hellow? Noyci? Oh shorry. What I mean ish, Noynoy pala. I’m shure, ‘di mo inaashahan ang tawag na ito. And i’m alsho shure ayaw mong mag-greet ako. ‘Wag ka nang chooshy okay? In the firsssht pleysh, wala kang choish. Alam ko ang lahat ng numbersh sha palashyo. We’re not enemish naman ‘di ba? Nabashura na ang Truth Commisshion. So letsh move on, can’t we? Yesh, we can! Happy fifty-firssht birthday. ‘Wag mo nang ipagkalat na tumawag ako okay? Baka ma-chishmish pa tayo. Shecret na lang. Sssssh.”

Ka Joma’s Day, Too!
Today is also the 72nd birthday of CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison. To mark the Communist leader’s birthday in the Philippines, the New People’s Army blew up a cake.


Reyes, 65
The news spread like wildfire on the Internet: former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes is dead. But nobody believed the news item when it first came out… mainly because it was reported by Arlyn De La Cruz.

Angelo T. Reyes is dead. The AFP is shocked. They lost a former leader. DENR, DOE and DND employees are grieving. They lost a former boss. Oil firms are in mourning. They lost a former spokesman.

Quoting sources, the Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Secretary Angelo Reyes’ last word was “Sorry.” If that’s a clue, we know whom to blame for his death, ‘noh?

Former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes committed suicide. He shot himself while visiting his mother’s grave at the Loyola Memorial Park in Marikina City. A similar incident actually took place in 2005 when banker Ted Borlongan (who was then facing court cases) committed suicide near his mother’s & brother’s grave also at the Loyola Memorial Park. If you’re asking if ex-Major General Carlos F. Garcia and Lt. Col. Jacinto Ligot have relatives in the same cemetery, that I don’t know.

According to reports, former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes died from a self-inflicted wound to the chest. When Reyes’ boss, former president Joseph Estrada heard this, he said, “Sana mahuli agad ang suspek.”

Beware!
Paraphrasing a tweet from a follower:
Bus bombing sa birthday ni Tita Cory.
Suicide ni Secretary Angelo Reyes sa birthday ni President Noynoy.
Sa February 14, birthday ni Kris Aquino.
Hail Mary full of grace… | Repent! Repent!

Living Ligot
According to official records, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, wife of former military comptroller Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot owns eight houses in the United States. Quizzed about the properties, Ligot told the Senate he wasn’t aware of it. In fact, it was only during yesterday’s hearing that Ligot found out he had a wife.

Official records also showed Lieutenant General Ligot’s wife traveled at least 42 times to the US, Singapore, and Hong Kong from 1993 to 2004. Again, Ligot denied any knowledge of his wife’s travels. Why would he care nga naman? It wasn’t his money she was spending. Sa taumbayan ‘yon!

This just in:
Mrs. Erlinda Ligot is reportedly visiting the wake of former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes. Asked about the schedule of her visit, Lt. General Ligot says he’s not aware of her plans.

Oil Price Hike
Reports say the unrest in Egypt could actually lead to an increase in gas prices… or as Shell, Petron, and Chevron would call it, “big payday.”
——————————-
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
~Norman Cousins

Ouch!
“Para akong nabunutan ng tinik.” – stylist Liz Uy sa pagtatapos ng isyung nag-uugnay sa kanila ni Pangulong Aquino. Liz shares the same birth date with him. Happy birthday!

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, makatarungan ba ang pagkakabasura ng Court of Appeals sa murder charges laban kay Senador Lacson?
– OO. Free him! 16.28%
– HINDI! It’s unfair. 72.87%
– Hindi ko alam ang issue. 10.85%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: Angelo Reyes: “Wala na ‘to pare…”

Direk Joey Reyes on the Ligots: Discreet art of lying

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Take care everyone! #teamlakers #beattheheat

HALU-HALONG MGA HULA


BAGONG TAON NA! Uso na naman sina Madam Auring, Madam Rosa, Madam Suzette, at kung sinu-sino pang madam. Isama n’yo na rin sina Madam Maricel Gaskell, Madam Rene Mariano at Madam Arman Cuban. Sila ang mga self-proclaimed psychics na kadalasan ay nagbibigay ng mga hulang kasinglawak ng Milky Way at kasing generic ng Phenylephrine HCl Chlorphenamine Maleate Paracetamol.

Halimbawa:
“May maaaksidenteng celebrity sa ikatlong quarter ng taon kung hindi siya mag-iingat.”
>> Susmaryosep! Sanlibo’t sanlaksa ang artista! Kapag pumalya pa naman ang hulang ‘yan, ewan ko na lang!

[2009] Madam Suzette: “May mga nasa administrasyon na lilipat sa oposisyon at vice versa.”
>> ‘Di nga? Grabeee! Nakakagulat talaga! Kakaiba! Hindi namin na-predict ‘yon! Ikaw lang ang nakahula niyan! As in!

[2009] Madam Suzette: “Magpapatuloy ang contribution ng OFW sa ating bansa dahil sa remittances.”
>> Wow! How earth-shaking! Isang bagong impormasyon na ngayon lang nalaman ng publiko! Mabuhay ka!

Heto naman ang ‘vibrations’ ni Ms Maricel Gaskell [for 2010]:
Richard Gutierrez – May posibilidad na lumipat ng station.
Piolo Pascual – Posibleng lumipat ng station.
>> Anong station? Gas station o water refilling station? Give me a break!

Isa pang prediksyon ni Ms Gaskell:
Sharon Cuneta – Hahawak ng isang posisyon sa gobyerno.
>> Sorry! Ang tanging hinawakan ni Shawie… ensaymada! I heard, feyvorit daw niya ‘yon!


NARITO NAMAN ANG MGA vibrations at prediksyon ngayong 2011 para sa ilang kilalang tao sa ating lipunan mula sa isang bagong sibol na psychic na itatago natin sa pangalang Madam Damin: puwedeng namnamin, huwag masyadong seryosohin.

President Noynoy Aquino
Magkakaroon ka ng bagong girlfriend… pero mas mauuna kang magkaroon ng boyfriend. Kung ayaw mo itong mangyari, lumayo sa lalaking nagsisimula sa R ang pangalan.

Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa
Katulad ng pangulo, magkakaroon ka rin ng bago… hindi girlfriend. Bagong trabaho. Good luck!

Assistant Secretary Mai Mislang
Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning
Makakatagpo ka na ng superpoging boyfriend. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan, paano, at magkano.

Secretary Ramon ‘Ricky’ Carandang
Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning
Ipagpaliban ang planong biyahe sa papasok na taon. Huwag na huwag bibisita sa ‘Samar.’ Maraming galit sa ‘yo doon.

Attorney Edwin Lacierda
Huwag mabahala sakaling makasama sa gagawing Cabinet revamp. Abogado ka. Malaki ang tsansa mong ma-reappoint na judge… judge sa 2011 Metro Manila Film Festival!

DILG Undersecretary Rico E. Puno
Marami akong inihandang hula para sa ‘yo. Kaya lang, hindi ko talaga maalala. Next year na lang.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Sayang! Kung sumuko ka between July and November, baka laya ka na rin ng December. Alam mo namang naging trend ang pagpapalaya at pagdi-dismiss ng mga kaso ngayong December 2010, hindi mo pa sinamantala. Galingan mo pang lalo ang iyong pagtatago ngayong 2011… dahil nakikita kong makikita ka!

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Sa 2011, you’ll reach another milestone. Isang anibersaryo ang ipagdiriwang n’yo ni Atty. Jose Miguel Arroyo. Twenty-two years na ang iyong boob job! Good job!

PLDT Chairman Manny V. Pangilinan
Sa kabila ng disappointing box office performance ng pelikulang ‘Rosario’ (kuwento ng buhay pag-ibig ng iyong lola) na ginastusan mo ng milyun-milyong piso, gagawa ka ng isa pang pelikula na tatawagin mong ‘Manuel.’ Kuwento ito ng iyong lovelife. Mangunguna ito sa takilya! Bongga!

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Ingatan ang tiyan. Baka ‘di ka nila masikmura.

Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV
Noong ikaw ay nakakulong, ikaw ang fourth biggest spender sa Senado. Ambilibabol? Bilib it! Madodoble ito ngayong laya ka na. Spend wisely.

Miko Morelos, Inquirer Reporter
Magkakatotoo ang prediksyon ng isang socialite. Tatama ka sa lotto. Try mo ang Suertres o kaya EZ-2 .

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
& Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno

Lalo pang titindi ang inyong bromance. Matutupad ang plano n’yong makapag-abroad – together. Sabay kayong ipapatawag ng Hong Kong government para sa isang hearing on the Manila hostage crisis.

Jessica Alfaro, Vizconde massacre witness
Madlilim ang nakikita kong kapalaran mo. Mag-alis ka muna ng shades.

Sen. Loren Legarda
Malaki ang posibilidad na mahulog ang loob mo sa isang lalaking may dugong banyaga. Napakayaman ng lalaking ito. Aalukin ka niyang manirahan sa kanyang mansion… ang Playboy Mansion!

Shalani Soledad
Kung gusto mong manatili sa iyong trabaho ngayong 2011, ipagpaliban ang planong pambabasted sa isang masugid na manliligaw. Tiyaking palagi kang may kasamang alalay o PA kapag nasa dressing room. Mahirap na.

Kris Aquino
Matatagpuan mo sa isang sosyal at pang-mayamang mall sa Makati City ang lalaking matagal mo nang pinapangarap: matipuno, matangkad, tigasin. Siya ang lalaking magmamahal sa ‘yo nang tapat; ang lalaking magiging sunud-sunuran sa lahat ng gusto mo, at ang lalaking makakasama mo 24/7 habambuhay. Isa siyang mannequin.

Ex-future president Mar Roxas
Nakikita kong halos tiyak na ang pagbabalik mo sa pamahalaan ngayong 2011. Posible ring maging tatay ka. ‘Yan ay kung ‘di ka mauunahan ng pinakamahigpit mong kalaban. Itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang ‘menopause.’

At maraming iba pa!
>> Hindi pa rin magpapakita sa media ang CPP-NPA spokesman na si Gregorio ‘Ka Roger’ Rosal. Pero magpaparamdam naman ito. Awooooo!

>> May madadakip pang mga suspek ang NBI sa bar exams blast noong September. Itatanggi nila ang alegasyon, at bilang protesta, tatakbo sila nang hubo’t hubad sa palibot ng NBI Headquarters.

>> Isasapelikula ni Carlo J. Caparas ang buhay ni Gerardo Biong, ang pulis na nasangkot sa Vizconde massacre. Ngunit hindi mabubuo ang pelikula dahil tuwing matatapos ang isang shooting day, laging may magaganap na sunog sa set.

>> Malalampasan ng Pilipinas ang matitinding bagyo. Pero kung hindi, ‘wag mag-alala… ang bagyo mismo ang lalampas sa Pilipinas. Hello Taiwan!

>> Lalo pang sisikat ang mga Azkals. #sorryvietnam #maiMGApogiRITO

>> Mag-ingat sa mga bus. Alam mo na kung bakit.

>> Patuloy na maaapektuhan ang katinuan ng isang mambabatas dahil sa bawal na gamot. Posibleng humantong ito sa paghihiwalay nila ng kanyang misis.

>> Isang pulitiko ang masasangkot sa isang iskandalo. Mag-uugat ito sa away nila ng kanyang dating kinakasamang starlet. Si pulitiko ay may kapatid din sa gobyerno, at ang kanilang ama ay… [Ayoko nang dagdagan! Delikado!]

>> Mahuhulog ang loob ng isang TV reporter mula sa isang malaking network sa isa ring TV reporter ng kalabang network. Pareho silang lalaki. Si TV reporter No. 1 ay… [Ayoko nang dagdagan! Mas delikado!]

>> And finally, tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang court battle between ABS-CBN and Willie Revillame. At wala akong pakialam!
———————————-
“We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there.”
~Charles F. Kettering

Survey Says
Kumusta naman ang lovelife mo ngayong patapos na ang 2010 at papasok na ang 2011:
– Panalo! Super inlove! Mamatay kayo sa inggit! 25.84%
– Oks lang. Sakto lang. Bakit nakikialam ka? 29.48%
– Lovelife?!? Tao ba ‘to? Hayop? Lugar? Pangyayari? Pagkain? 44.68%

Personal
Sa inyong lahat mula Batanes hanggang Tawi-tawi, from Asia & Oceania to Europe, Africa, the Americas and Antarctica, thank you so much for keeping me company in 2010. This has been an awesome year for this blog and YOU made it possible. YOU! YOU! YOU!

Looking and moving forward to an even more meaningful and fun-filled 2011 kasama kayong lahat!

Maraming salamat! Have a safe, healthy, and prosperous New Year!

I love you people! #chizcurls #kesongputi #chizwhiz

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HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


Christmas Tidbits
Malacañang’s Christmas party last week was supposed to be exclusive to Cabinet officials. Confusion ensued however when Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa’s guest list inadvertently included some Communists and Sen. Gringo Honasan.

President Aquino was a no-show at the Presidential Communications Group-sponsored party. Secretary Ricky Carandang said the President was sent an invitation that apparently didn’t reach him. But Secretary Herminio Coloma believed the group actually forgot to send him one. Palace spokesman Atty. Edwin Lacierda explained, “At the end of the day, whether an invitation was sent or not, it’s still the thought that counts.”

Even without President Aquino, the Presidential Communications Group’s Christmas party pushed through. In fact, Asst. Sec. Mai Mislang had a blast during the event. Nagpa-raffle kasi ng pogi.


The Department of Interior and Local Government also sponsored a Christmas party. But there was this brief tense moment when a Christmas light bulb exploded and injured a guest from Hong Kong. Local Government Sec. Jesse Robredo couldn’t really explain how it happened saying it was Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno who was in-charge of the Christmas decors.

Undersecretary Rico E. Puno had the most number of guests during the DILG party. Asked who his visitors were a day later, he couldn’t remember anyone of them.


The Christmas party of the Commission on Human Rights started late, by at least an hour to be specific. CHR Commissioner Coco Quisumbing refused to start the program unless CHR employees followed her preferred seating arrangement.

The justices of the Supreme Court had so much fun during their own Christmas party. Divided into two groups, the justices performed two production numbers… which, as discovered by UP professors later, were copied from ‘ASAP’ and ‘Party Pilipinas.’


The Department of Tourism’s Christmas party was the most colorful of them all. Rumors say the DOT spent 5 million pesos! And that’s for the backdrop of the stage alone.

Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson spent his Christmas in Hong Kong because the judge hearing his drug case did not allow him to spend it here in the Philippines. Despite his sad fate, Singson remained in “high” spirits.

In Times Street, the Aquinos tried but failed to reenact the Nativity Scene… when Kris Aquino, who played the role of Mary, tried to divorce the man who played Joseph for psychological incapacity.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
—————————–
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
~Erma Bombeck

PERSONAL:Christmas Collision
Sino ang hindi dapat kasama sa larawang ito?

Siyempre, dapat wala d’yan ‘yong iyaking self-proclaimed king ng Heat!
Let’s go Lakers! #beattheheat
December 26, 8AM

Enjoy the rest of your vacation!

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[Photo template courtesy of Office Max’ Elf Yourself]

A WHOLE NEW WORLD


FIFTEEN YEARS after he and six others were imprisoned for the massacre of three Vizconde family members, Hubert Jeffrey Webb, son of former Senator Freddie Webb was acquitted by the Supreme Court Tuesday, December 14. Shortly after his release, one joke that circulated online said Hubert was astonished to learn that 15 years later, Mara Clara is still being shown on TV.

But wait, there’s more. Here goes…

Hubert Webb’s Top 10 Reactions/Questions After He Got Home Following His Release From the New Bilibid Prisons

No. 10: “Whaaaaaaat? Single pa rin si Kris?!”

No. 9: “Does Kabayan ever get tired? He’s been doing TV Patrol for like… forever!”

No. 8: “Can you turn the radio on to Campus Radio please? I wonder what’s the new No. 1 song on Triggerman’s Top 20 at 12.”

No. 7: “Thoss, Peek, Pennisi, Seigle, Norwood, Weinstein, Hatfield, Carey, Dillinger. Geez! Dad, did the PBA change its name to Fil-Am Basketball of the Philippines?”

No. 6: “Sandali! Hindi kita maintindihan Joshua. Again, what’s LOL, LMAO, STFU, BRB and GTG?”

No. 5: “Mom, bakit nakatayo ang mga newscasters?”

No. 4: “Wait lang! You mean, ‘yong interview sa ‘kin kanina ni Ms Mel Tiangco was aired not on ABS-CBN but on GMA 7?

No. 3: “I always hear the name P.Noy? What’s that Pinky? A new cartoon strip like A. Lipin of the Inquirer?”

No. 2: “I don’t get it Jason. Are they insulting me or are they just pulling my leg. Do I really look fashionable? Kasi people keep saying things like, I am a hot trending topic daw. Trend? Jesus, I’ve only sported an orange shirt for the last 15 years. What trend?”

And Hubert Webb’s No. 1 reaction/question when he got home following his release from prison…

“I can’t believe this Fritz! Did Ernie Baron undergo plastic surgery? Seriously! And why the use of a screen name?!? “Kuya Kim?!?” Funny bro!! Ha-ha-ha!
——————————————
From my all-time favorite courtroom drama, The Practice:
Ellenor: Can’t let an innocent man go to jail.
Rebecca: We don’t even let our guilty ones go there.

Alfaro In Hiding?
Jessica Alfaro has reportedly gone into hiding. Rumors say the controversial former NBI agent turned massacre state witness has sent word she’d rather die than surrender. Bakit? Anong akala mo sa sarili mo, senador?

After receiving news that Hubert Webb and six others had been released, Vizconde massacre state witness Jessica Alfaro had reportedly gone into hiding. In order to evade detection and dodge identification, Alfaro has decided not to wear dark glasses.

Hayden Wins
A Pasig City RTC judge has dismissed sexy actress Katrina Halili’s case against Hayden Kho Jr. for “insufficiency of evidence” – a decision that baffled the young actress who asked, “Ano pa bang evidence ang gusto niyang makita? Lahat-lahat, ipinakita ko na!”

Briefly Noted
Presenting: the Metro Manila Development Authority’s Traffic Transport Management Office (TTMO) uniform…

Ano ang sasabihin mo kapag hinuli ka ng traffic enforcer na ito?
A: “Bastos!”
B: “Lagay ba ‘ka mo? TTMO!”
C: “Mr. TTMO… malaki ba? Malaki ba ang babayaran ko dahil sa violation?”
D: “Wait lang sir. Dudukot lang ako ng PPKo (Pera sa Purse Ko)!

[TTMO photo courtesy of Tina Panganiban-Perez]
—————————————————-
“I’m like a shooting star
I’ve come so far
I can’t go back to where I used to be”

~“A Whole New World”
From Walt Disney’s Aladdin

Survey Says
Nakapag-Christmas shopping ka na ba?
– Yup! Done. Ready na sa Pasko! 12.31%
– Hindi pa pero hahabol! Inaayos lang ang budget. 46.25%
– Walang pera. Walang plano. Walang pakialaman ng Pasko! 41.44%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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LABINDALAWANG TULOG NA LANG: the Christmas showdown between Kobe Bryant and the championshipRing-seeking, title-wanting, self-proclaimed “king” LeBron James. Go Lakers!

Enjoy the rest of the week!

KrissyLeaks


A YET TO BE AIRED interview of Ted Failon with Kris Aquino was leaked to The Professional Heckler by KrissyLeaks, a non-stock, non-profit, non-government, non-existent, and none-of-your-business organization dedicated to bringing all Kris Aquino-related news & information to the public. Here’s a partial transcript of that interview.

TED: Hello Kris, welcome to the show!
KRIS: Hi there Ted! Welcome to my life! Ahah-hah-hah! Naloka ka ‘no! Intro pa lang, binuko na kita! Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Sandali lang huh, 30 minutes lang kasi tayo Kris, so diretso na ‘ko sa mga answers.
KRIS: Anong answers!? You mean, questions! Gosh, namumula ka Ted! Ahah-hah-hah! Buti na lang taped tayo.
TED: Okay, okay… first question: Naglabas ng gag order ang Makati City RTC with regard to the motion for the declaration of nullity of your marriage to James Yap, may nakikita ka bang problema sa ganung set up?
KRIS: Hay naku Ted, it’s not even a problem! Since the judge prevented me from talking about my marriage, what else can I do? Eh ‘di talk about Kuya Noy’s love life! Mas bongga kung ganun ‘di ba? Where do you want me to start? Ahah-hah-hah!
TED: Akala ko ba may gag order sa ‘yo si Presidente?
KRIS: Actually yeah. Kaya lang Ted, I’m sure maiintindihan naman niya. I have a movie sa film fest. I need to make noise! ‘Tsaka prangkahan na Ted, an investment is an investment ‘noh. I can’t afford to lose money! ‘Yong part ng kikitain ko will be for Bimby’s future kasi nga ‘di naman kalakihan ang suweldo ng ama niya ‘di ba? Ay, ano ba ‘yung nasabi ko? Gossssh, magagalit na naman si Ate Ballsy. I swear, tatawag na naman ‘yon. I’ll zip my mouth na nga lang.


TED: Last Tuesday sa TV Patrol, sinabi mong hindi ka obsessed sa interviews, at never kang naging atat sa pagsasalita sa harap ng camera. Mabuti naman at ‘di ka tinamaan ng kidlat!
KRIS: Anong sabi mo Ted?
TED: I mean, meron ka bang pinatatamaan sa statement mong ‘yon?
KRIS: Helllooooooo! Maang-maangan ka Ted. You know her, umamin ka! It’s that lady lawyer na boyish ang haircut, kinda dark ang lips, laging naka-choker, at may pearl earrings. My gorrrrsh, wala ba siyang stylist? Or maybe, she’s got one pero blind? Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Balik tayo sa Presidente. Lately kasi, parang panay na panay ang date niya. After ng Barbie Palagos, sumunod ang Liz Uy, nagkaroon ng Len Lopez, at ngayon naman, Mary Grace Tan. Wala pa ba siyang napipili?
KRIS: I really don’t know Ted. He’s almost 51 and sabi nga ni Ate Ballsy hayaan na lang nating magdesisyon ang ating pangulo. Kung ang ending ay sila pala ni Undersecretary Rico E. Puno, who are we to judge, ‘di ba? At the end of the day, hello Secretary Edwin Lacierda, borrow muna ng line mo huh! Okay! Again, at the end of the day, kapag happy si Noy, happy rin ang bansa natin kasehodang mainlove siya sa best friend niya! Ker ko at ker natin ‘di ba? Ang importante maligaya siya at maayos ang pamumuno niya! Tama?
TED: Taaaaama!
KRIS: Ahah-hah-hah! Ang cute mong magsabi ng “Taaaaama.” Promise. Ano nga palang size ng shoes mo Ted?
TED: ‘Yan ka na naman Kris. You’re putting me on the spot.
KRIS: Why?!? I just wanna know, and I think the public naman, kahit papa’no deserves to know something about you. Sige na Ted, anong shoe size mo?
TED: 10.
KRIS: Ten? Divided by 2 plus 1 equals… ohmigosh!
TED: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: Wala lang. Ahah-hah-hah! Nakakaloka!
TED: Bakit nga?
KRIS: Basta! By the way, James is size 14. ‘Tapos 12 si Ipé, and Joey is 13.


TED: Iwan na nga natin ‘yang shoe size-shoe size na ‘yan at lalo lang akong nate-tense. Ano nga palang masasabi mo sa pagpasok ni Councilor Shalani Soledad sa showbiz?
KRIS: Next question please…
TED: Okay, ano na lang ang reaksyon mo sa balitang nanliligaw si Willie Revillame kay Shalani?
KRIS: Hay naku, ang kulit mo Ted. Sige… ano muna ang size ng undies mo?
TED: Sige na nga, move on na tayo.
KRIS: Good! Gosh, pinapainit mo ang ulo ko! May dinner pa naman tayo mamaya.
TED: Huh?
KRIS: Grabeeeeee! Are you denying me again? How could you Ted? ‘Di ba nag-confirm ka na? Gosh! ‘Pinapahiya mo ko sa viewers. Basta! Lalabas tayo tonight with Boy and Bettina.

TED: Tapusin na muna natin ‘to Kris. Maiba ako, kung ikaw ang hiningan ng slogan for the Department of Tourism, anong imumungkahi mo?
KRIS: Of course, malapit sa puso ko ang word na “Pilipinas” kasi tatlong shows ko ang may “Pilipinas” sa title: ‘Pilipinas Game Ka Na Ba,’ ‘Pilipinas Got Talent,’ and ‘yong last show ko… basta, ‘yong… hmmm, sige na nga, aaminin ko na, ‘yong show kong hindi nag-rate! Gosh. Kainis! Half-baked kasi. ‘Yong ‘Pilipinas Win na Win.” But if Secretary Lim would ask for my help, pagsasama-samahin ko ang titles ng tatlo kong shows. The slogan will be: “Pilipinas Got Game! Winnerrrrr!” O ‘di ba bongga! Ahah-aha-aha!

TED: Alam kong active ka sa Twitter. At alam kong alam mo ang nangyari sa speechwriter ng pangulo. Kung ikaw ang nasa Vietnam, ano kaya ang mga itu-tweet mo?
KRIS: First of all Ted, my heart goes out to Mai Mislang. You know, she’s young, adventurous, and most probably, loveless kaya ganun ang mga tweets niya. Helllllllo! Maloka kayo kung nakipag-date siya sa Vietnamese noh! Imagine, nasa official visit ka tapos nakikipaglandian ang speechwriter. So, tama lang na wala siyang nakitang pogi do’n. But if I were in her shoes, I’ll never be in her shoes.

TED: Kung magbibigay ka ng Christmas gift sa mga taong babanggitin ko ang pangalan, ano ang ibibigay mo sa kanila at bakit?
KRIS: Nililinaw ko lang Ted huh – hypothetical lang ‘to. So kapag may nagalit na naman sa akin, sagot mo ‘ko. Okay?? Go!
TED: Kay James…
KRIS: Choker! Para may panregalo siya sa kanyang lawyer na hobby na yata ang magpa-interview!

TED: Kay Mayor Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Uyyyyyy! Jelling. Umamin ka Ted! Nasasaktan ka kapag binabanggit ko ang name ni Junjun ‘no? Ahah-ha-ha! Gift ko sa kanya? Siguro, black gulaman. Kasi, he’s so dark yet so sweet. Shoccccks. I’m so cheesy na. Nakakainizzzz!

TED: Sa mag-asawang Mar Roxas at Korina Sanchez…
KRIS: Hmmm, friendship bracelets pero sasabihin ko, galing ‘yon kay Senator Chiz para matapos na ang cold war nila. If you’re watching Kuya Mar and Ate Koring… Christmas na! Forgive n’yo na kasi si Chiz! Kayo rin… bad vibes raw ang may kaaway pagpasok ng New Year. Baka ‘di kayo makabuo. Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Kay Shalani Soledad…
KRIS: Helloooooo… bakiiiit? Close kami?

TED: Kay Liz Uy…
KRIS: Isip muna ako. Gosh! I almost forgot! She’s my ex- almost-sister-in-law nga pala. Hay naku sis! Choosy ka! Pero don’t worry, love pa rin kita.

TED: Kay Sharon Cuneta…
KRIS: Tupperware…
TED: Sino?
KRIS: My gaaaaad! Pinag-aaway mo na naman kami ni Mega. Let me finish please! Tupperware full of ensaymada kasi favorite niya ‘yon! Hi Shawie! Don’t cry ulit okay?

TED: Kay Senator Ping Lacson…
KRIS: Siguro, round trip ticket to any destination of his choice pero dapat sabihin niya sa akin where. After all, 2 million is 2 million! Ahah-hah-hah! Nagbibiro lang ako Ted! Hi Jodi. Hi Pampi!

TED: Kay Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa…
KRIS: Can I be honest Ted?
TED: Sure…
KRIS: Gusto ko siyang bigyan ng mag-asawang sampal para magising siya. Gosh, mapapahamak si Noy sa mga kapalpakan n’ya no!? Sorry Jojo, I know your dad was close to my dad, but nakakairita lang talaga ang mga nangyayari ngayon. Sorry!

TED: Kay Presidente…
KRIS: Alam mo Ted, isa lang naman ang laging hiling ni Noy from me eh. Ang busalan ko ang bibig ko. Pero sabi nga ng mga tiyo at tiya ko, “Kapag pinatahimik n’yo si Kris, hindi na si Kris ‘yon. Si Viel na ‘yon.” So to my brother… sorry, Noy hindi ako puwedeng manahimik. Pero kung may materyal na bagay na posibleng ibigay ko sa kanya, siguro PSP Go kasi sira na ‘ata ‘yong PSP3000 n’ya eh.

TED: Finally, anong gift ang gusto mong ma-receive this Christmas?
KRIS: Ikaw Ted, pwede ka ba? Ahah-hah-ha-ha!
TED: Two minutes na lang ang natitira sa show natin Kris.
KRIS: I’m serious Ted! Why not you? Single ka… single ako. Sikat ka… sikat ako. Matinong lalaki ka… maperang babae ako. O ‘di ba we’re compatible?! Ahah-hah-ha!

TED: Mga kaibigan, abangan po ninyo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Ms Kris Aquino next year…
KRIS: Wait, please don’t forget to watch ‘Dalaw’ palabas na po sa mga sinehan sa December 25. Kakaibang movie po ito for the holidays. Hindi po kayo malulugi sa ibabayad ninyo dahil pinaghirapan ko po ito. Mula opening scene hanggang ending, tumitili po ako rito.
TED: Again, mga kaibigan, abangan n’yo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Kris on ABS-CBN. It will be a monthly talk show na pinamagatang… Kris, ikaw na ang magsabi…
KRIS: “Buwanang Dalaw.” Watch out for it! Thank you!
-End of Transcript-

IN THE NEWS NOW…
Arrested
The shocking news on Tuesday was the arrest of Wikileaks editor-in-chief Julian Assange in London. In even more shocking news, Assange’s name was discovered to have been included on Malacañang’s amnesty list.

Nice Try
Last Wednesday, an 82-year-old woman tried to claim the 741.17-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot. But the woman failed to show the winning ticket because her grandson allegedly ran away with it. The PCSO became even more suspicious when they asked the woman who her grandson was. Her reply: Miko Morelos.

This just in (8PM/Th): The PCSO says a 60-year-old balikbayan has claimed the 741.17M-peso Grand Lotto jackpot. Tanong ng bayan: Sixty years old na si Miko Morelos? Balikbayan si Miko Morelos? #justkidding #peace

More Kris and Ted
In her TV Patrol interview last Tuesday, Kris Aquino revealed that she and news anchor Ted Failon were textmates. On live TV, she even invited him to a dinner. That interview marked the official launch of Failon as a promo material for Aquino’s film ‘Dalaw.’
——————————
“Being single isn’t the cause of loneliness, and marriage is not necessarily the cure. There are many lonely married people as well.”
– Renee Jones

Briefly Noted
Malacañang’s reaction to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Truth Commission as ‘headlined’ by leading dailies and websites:
Philippine Star: Government to appeal SC ruling vs truth body
ABS-CBNNews.com: Aquino defends Truth Commission
GMANews.TV: Aquino: GMA untouchable? Not in my administration
BusinessWorld: Aquino wants quick fix to address legal obstacle to Truth Commission
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Aquino slams SC decision

Public Service
Sa mga taxi driver na CHOOSY, umayos kayo! DOTC Oplan Isnabero Hotline: 09172470385/ 09192227462 or text 7890.

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang patay na si Gregorio “Ka Roger” Rosal, ang spokesperson ng komunistang New People’s Army?
– Sumalangit nawa! 25%
– No! He’s still alive. 15.41%
– Do i look like someone who gives a damn? 59.59%

Word of the Week
KrissyLeaks: anumang bago o kontrobersyal na pahayag o impormasyon tungkol kay Kris Aquino mula mismo kay Kris Aquino #nowyouknow

Stay healthy. Stay happy. Spread the love.
Enjoy the rest of the week!

Share this on Facebook and Twitter. Click these: Add to FaceBookAdd to Twitter
Let’s be more intimate. Follow me on Twitter.

BASTED

ARE YOU familiar with Liz Uy? Yup, Liz Uy, the personal stylist of President Noynoy Aquino, and just recently, the ex-almost future First Girlfriend.

Reliable sources say President Aquino was not successful in winning the heart of his personal stylist Liz Uy. Even the endorsement of Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda failed to deliver this time.


Top 12 Messages Left on President Noynoy Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 12: “Hello ‘tol, si Jojo Ochoa ‘to. Hindi pa katapusan ng mundo! Tara, inom tayo!”

No. 11: “Hi Noy! Krissy here! Gosh! Boy and I we’re just talking about you and Liz. ‘Yun na ba ‘yun?!? You’re so hina talaga! Nakakainis! Ay, wait… Bimby’s making ubos na naman a can of Nido eh. Pinapapak talaga niya. Aha-ha-ha! He’s so PG like his dada. Will call you again in a minute. Gosh, Biiiiiimby… enough na!”

No. 10: “P’re, si Rico E. Puno ‘to. Narinig ko na ang balita. Alam mo p’re, when you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand. And nothing, nothing is going right. Close your eyes and THINK of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even your darkest nights. Mas dark pare, mas okay. Take care, ‘cause I care… pare!”

No. 9: “Hillow? Numiro ba itu ni Prisidinti? Kaya mu ‘yan mahal na pangulu! Aku nga, ilang bisis ring binastid ni Jinkee bagu ku napa-uu. Piro, kung gustu mu talagang makuha ang isang babai, una sa lahat pasalamat ka muna sa Panginuun. Kung wala siya, wala ka rin sa mundu. Tapus, pasalamat ka sa supurta ng taung bayan. Kung ‘di ka nila ibinutu, ‘di mu makikilala si Lez. ‘Yun lang ang advice ko. Basta, kip preying, at makakatagpu ka rin ng babaing para sa ‘yu! Ooops, tika, anu ‘yang kamira sa harapan ku?!? Sus ginuu! Nariyan ka pala Dyan Castilliju. ‘Kala ku si Nanay Dionisia! Pastilan!”

No. 8: “Hi Sir! Mai Mislang here. I know, I know! The feeling sucks, right?”

No. 7: “Hello Noy. Si Koring ‘to! Yes, Koring, may iba pa ba? Hi-hi-hi. Sinubukan ko lang ‘tong bagong phone ni Mar. ‘Di ko naman alam na sa ‘yo pala ang last dialed number. How are you na? Long time no hear ah. Okay naman ako. Heto, balik sa trono. Ooops, erase-erase-erase. Siyanga pala, I heard may ‘di kagandahang nangyari between ‘yo and the stylist. After all these years, ‘di ka pa ba nasanay?! Ooops, erase-erase-erase!”

No. 6: “Hello? Ish thish Noynoy’sh anshwering maschine? Oh, how are you iho? I’m shorry huh for meddling in your pershonal life. Pero what’sh thish I heard that you’re blaming me and my adminishtrashion for your lacklushter and imaginary affairsh of the heart? That’sh sho unfair! Ishtop! Okay? Let’sh move on. At katulad ng paulit-ulit na advice sha akin ng aking ama, do what ish right, do what ish best, and Mike Arroyo will take care of the rest. I mean, God will take care of the resht. I am shorry.”

No. 5: “Hi Noy. Si Krissy ulit to. You make kwento na kasi! What happened ba? Why do I keep reading the word “basted” on Twitter? Gosh! ‘Di ba I told you na allergic si Liz sa secondhand smoke? Siguro nag-yosi ka na naman in front of her. Hay naku! You’re so matigas ang ulo kasi! Basta next time… Biiiiimby! Ano baaaaa?! Tigilan mo na ‘yang Nido!”

No. 4: “Hello Mistel Plesident. Donald Tsang koling. Bakit ikaw ‘di sagot akyen tawag? Dalawa ulit ako tawag lagi machine answer. Sabi machine “Sorry, da numbel you dial is in a meeting.” Ako inis ulit pero ako understand iyo situation. Tawag ako iyo kasi bigay ako numbel 1 tip para babae sagot ka yes. Ikaw iwash smile para babae isip ikaw mystelious. Dapat ikaw pa-mystelious epek. Oki? ‘Yun lang. Jīng cháng lián xì a!”

No. 3: “Noy? Hello po! Tinest ko lang po kung active pa ‘tong number mo. Mukhang active pa nga. Sige po, idi-delete ko na. Oo nga pala, naka-box na po ‘yong mga regalo mo sa ‘king figurines, mugs at stuffed toys from Blue Magic. Plano ko sanang itapon kaya lang baka gusto mong ipamigay sa staff mo. Paki-pick na lang po sa bahay namin sa Valenzuela sa Monday, holiday naman. Salamat po.”

No. 2: “Hello and good morning Mr. President! Attorney Edwin Lacierda here. I just would like to inform you that I have received your personal memo. Ricky and Manolo are in the process of fine-tuning your love letter to Ms. Uy. We’re very sorry it was released prematurely. And we’re doubly sorry that the half-baked message was obtained and reported by ANC. I have ordered an investigation to determine the source of the leak. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it’s still Liz Uy who has the final say.”

And the No.1 message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hi Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Lakasan mo ang iyong loob bro. And don’t worry, matatagpuan mo rin ang babaeng para sa ‘yo. Minsan nga, ‘yong ‘di mo inaasahan ang siya pang dumarating. Tingnan mo ako: who would have thought na darating ang araw na magiging misis ko ang ex-girlfriend mo? That’s the magic of love ‘tol. Oh, by the way, did you see Shalani on Willing Willie last night? ‘T*ng-ina pare, Naka-sleeveless! Sumiseksi pare! Syet! Awrrr!”

IN OTHER NEWS…

After failing to secure a TRO against the airing of Willie Revillame’s new show, ABS-CBN has filed a PhP127 million copyright infringement case versus ‘Willing Willie’ and TV5 for allegedly copying ‘Wowowee.’ Next week, ABS-CBN will file another case against the TV host and TV5 for ‘copying’ TV Patrol’s “idea” of hiring an ex-girlfriend of the president.

ABS-CBN has accused Willie Revillame and TV5 of plagiarism. Revillame retorted, “Willing Willie, as an entertainment show is a form of art. Sa arts, ang plagiarism ay accepted practice!

According to the complaint, TV5’s airing of Willing Willie has caused and continues to cause irreparable damage to ABS-CBN… specifically, to TV Patrol.

Animal Lover
Two counts of violation of The Animal Welfare Act were filed against a 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro after he allegedly raped a pet dog twice this month. The farmer categorically denied the accusation saying he was a loyal husband… to his carabao.

Reports say the 33-year-old farmer in Naujan, Oriental Mindoro who was charged for allegedly sexually assaulting a pet dog had previously raped a pig! The farmer vehemently denied the allegation saying he was a victim of black propaganda concocted by a disgruntled ex-flame, a hen.
——————————————-
♪♪ “It takes some time
God knows how long ♪♪
I know that I can forget you ♪♪
♪ As soon as my heart stops breakin’
Anticipating ♪ ♪
♪As soon as forever is through ♪♪
I’ll be over you”♪♪
~Toto, I’ll Be Over You

Survey Says
On the resignation of Tourism undersecretary Enteng Romano:
– Dapat lang! Palpak eh! 47.12%
– Isang kapuri-puring hakbang! Mabuhay ka! 41.81%
– Sino siya? Anong balita? 11.06%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

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