5 12 2014

THE YEAR is almost over. Here’s a recap of some of my [personal] favorite posts from July to the present. In case you missed it…

#1muPork Barrel Fund Scam
Like Bong Revilla and Jinggoy Estrada, Senator Enrile was examined by doctors in Camp Crame. The results: Blood Pressure 200 over 90; Pulse, 84, and Heart, It’s Complicated.

Enrile’s former chief of staff and rumored girlfriend Gigi Reyes was also arrested last Friday. Or as Cristina Enrile calls it, ‘the best day of my life.’

The Sandiganbayan ordered the transfer of Gigi Reyes to the BJMP jail at Camp Bagong Diwa, Bicutan, Taguig City. The anti-graft court denied her petition to be detained in Camp Crame. Prosecutors hailed the ruling as a victory for justice, taxpayers, and Cristina Enrile.

On Wednesday night, Gigi Reyes experienced anxiety attack – allegedly, so she was rushed to the Taguig-Pateros District Hospital. On Friday night, she was transferred to the Philippine Heart Center in Quezon City on suspicions she had a heart problem. Doctors immediately examined her and concluded she has a condition called, “still in love and couldn’t move on.”

The lawyer of Janet Lim-Napoles says the pork barrel queen is happy now because, “She has given up her life for the Lord.” This morning, the Lord replied, “No, thanks!”

The Sandiganbayan granted Gigi Reyes’s petition to undergo a brain scan at the PGH. The controversial lawyer, who is facing plunder charges reportedly banged her head against the wall last August 5. Aww, that’s unfortunate. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the wall.

A news report says Jinggoy Estrada is suffering from the same illness as Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: arthritis of the neck. The report has been dismissed as baseless and preposterous mostly because Jinggoy doesn’t have a neck.

The Anti-Money Laundering Council has discovered that Bong Revilla lied in his SALN. Among other things.

1BINThe Binays
Vice President Binay’s rating in Pulse Asia’s September 2014 survey on Filipinos’ presidential preferences dropped to 31 percent from 41 percent in June. Rumors say Binay is depressed because he lost 10 percent – something that’s unusual for him. He’s so used to gaining 13 percent.

Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada says he will run for president in 2016 if Vice President Binay is adopted by the Liberal Party. In short, the next elections will probably be a choice between Estrada and Binay. One is a womanizing, graft-tainted, long-serving politician and the other one is Erap.

Of the government’s four highest-ranking officials, Vice President Binay got the highest trust and approval rating. It was so high… Junjun Binay had to take the elevator.

Vice President Binay insists corruption allegations against him and his family are politically-motivated because he continues to top presidential surveys. Detractors should also be wary of the fact that mudslinging the Binays is a waste of mud.

Makati residents gathered in front of the building to show their support for the Binays. One resident held a placard that said, “Walang corrupt sa Makati.” In totally unrelated news, wala na raw Katoliko sa Vatican City.

The alleged Binay estate in Rosario, Batangas has an air-conditioned piggery – the second of its kind to be built in the Philippines… after Batasang Pambansa.

The release of his youngest daughter’s Instagram photos has angered Vice President Binay. For him, what Alan Peter Cayetano did was too much. Joanna Marie Binay who captioned one of her photos, “Our place in Batangas.” has since deactivated her Instagram account. Antonio Tiu couldn’t help but pity the young Binay. He was so affected he came close to admitting that he owned the Instagram account.

Reports say tycoon Manny Pangilinan is being considered by Vice President Binay as a potential running mate in 2016. Interesting. One is an intelligent, hardworking guy who has made billions from his empire and the other one is Manny Pangilinan.

1NOYPresident Aquino
According to the latest Social Weather Stations survey, 55 percent of Filipinos were satisfied with President Aquino’s performance. The rest were Noranians.

According to online reports, President Aquino’s motorcade halted traffic on Haight St. in San Francisco, California when his entourage dropped by a McDonald’s restaurant to eat lunch. After finishing his meal, President Aquino bought some McDonald’s toys for his allies in Congress. Each of his solon-friends will get a Hamburglar.

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, 6 in 10 Filipinos do not want a second term for President Aquino. The six were identified as Jojo, Junjun, Nancy, Abby, Anne, and Elenita.

November 7 marks the first anniversary of Super Typhoon Yolanda. President Aquino and his men visited the areas most severely damaged by the super typhoon. First stop, Malacañang.

A group wants President Aquino to seek a second term saying he’s “the best and only successor.” The group calls itself “MORE2COME.” Personally though, President Aquino finds “MORE2COME” a bit of a challenge. At his age.

Phivolcs says Mayon Volcano is restive again and an “eruption is possible within weeks.” When President Aquino heard this, he said, “’Buti pa ‘yong Mayon, pumuputok pa.”

On her 85th birthday, Imelda Marcos prayed for strength to prolong her existence. In response, God gave her formalin.

On her birthday, Imelda visited her constituents and handed them cash gifts. The people thanked her for giving them back their money.

Imelda Marcos is confident of reclaiming Malacañang through her son Bongbong Marcos. If Marcos Jr. gets elected, his wife Louise will have too many shoes to fill.

Jovito Palparan, the retired major general who was labeled as “The Butcher” by leftists has been arrested in Manila. The lone informant will receive a bounty of 2 million pesos. The NBI has submitted his name to the President, the DOJ and the BIR.

Reports say the intelligence operation to capture retired Major General Jovito Palparan was codenamed Project Runway. When arresting agents came face to face with Palparan though, they changed the operation code to Ambush Makeover.

At least 10 police officers were allegedly behind the EDSA-Mandaluyong robbery-abduction case last week.Two of the cops were “repeat offenders.” SPO1 Ramil Hachero and PO2 Jonathan Rodriguez were slapped with the same charges in 2011. Apparently, they never learned. Hachero and Rodriguez are the Jinggoy Estrada of the police force.

Manny Pacquiao has been drafted in the PBA by the team that earlier named him as coach. The world class boxer-turned actor-turned politician-turned TV host-turned motivational speaker-turned cager will suit up as KIA’s playing coach. That explains why TV5’s latest programming puts the PBA under the category ‘Sitcom.’

At the PBA Rookie Draft on Sunday, KIA also picked Manny’s cousin, the unheralded and the inexperienced Rene Pacquiao. Observers believe he was chosen only because of Manny’s influence and popularity. Rene Pacquiao is the Nancy Binay of the PBA.

According to the Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, the congestion rate of jails nationwide is now at 326 percent. In fact, some detention cells reportedly have congestion rates of more than 1,000 percent. However, not all facilities with criminals are congested. Exception: Batasang Pambansa.

Manila Crocodile Park’s newest attraction is a huge croc named Longlong – a robotic replica of Lolong, once the world’s largest crocodile in captivity. Made of fiber glass and steel, Longlong can crawl, open its mouth, move its head, and deliver privilege speeches.

Several areas in Metro Manila and adjacent provinces are experiencing rotating brownouts. Or as the Aquinos would call it, “legacy.”

Be Proud
The 8th National Nutrition Survey of the Food and Nutrition Research Institute showed 3 out of 10 Filipinos were overweight and obese. To those three, don’t be sad and don’t feel bad. Double chin up!

Three years after signing a five-year [rumored] billion-peso contract with TV5, actress Sharon Cuneta has severed ties with the Kapatid Network. Sources say it wasn’t an easy decision. The Megastar will leave the network with a heavy heart, hips, arms, and thighs.

1JBVideo Scandal
TV host Paolo Bediones has filed a formal complaint against people who released and uploaded copies of his sex video. The PNP says the uploaded sex video is a vital piece of hard evidence that will definitely stand up in court.

Part 2 of newsman Paolo Bediones’s sex video is reportedly being shared online. Bediones has since apologized to his home network, and to Hayden Kho for ‘copyright infringement.’

A new study has revealed men over 5’10” are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. And Kris Aquino was like, “True!”
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given the choice, I’d rather vote for the dog.”
~Jarod Kintz

Sound Bites
“That’s out of the question. He’s not running for vice president. He prefers to tend to his business than run for vice president.”
~Sen. Cynthia Villar on former senator Manny Villar

Have a great weekend! Stay safe.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.



28 06 2014

WE’RE HALFWAY through 2014 and in keeping with this blog’s tradition, I compiled some of my favorite posts from the first six months of the year. In case you missed them…
Enrile’s Affairs
Cristina Enrile told Mareng Winnie Monsod that her husband, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile had 38 different affairs. Yup, 38! Or as Ramon Revilla Sr. would say, “Beginner.”

According to Senate Minority Leader Juan Ponce Enrile, Cristina’s revelations were just “suspicions of a wife.” In the same interview, Cristina said Enrile was a womanizer but he was never a thief. Of course, that’s just a suspicion of a wife.

Upon her return, Gigi Reyes told GMA News she’s “ready to face” the plunder charges. Right now, she has two options: state witness or stay in love.

For the first time in history, (three) senators have been indicted for plunder which is punishable by reclusion perpetua or life. And Senator Enrile was like, “Too late for that!”

Bong Revilla was quoted to have said that in 2016 he would seek the presidency. The ‘presidency’ replied, “No, thanks.”

Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago says idiots should not be allowed to run for president. I say idiots who have gotten used to electing idiots should not be allowed to vote.

Liberal Party stalwart and DOTC Sec. Joseph Abaya confirmed DILG Sec. Mar Roxas would be the LP’s standard bearer in 2016. Partymates describe Roxas as a good choice. Political observers described the decision as a “no choice.”

Malacañang clarified that President Aquino has yet to choose the Liberal Party’s standard bearer for 2016. The President wants someone who is honest, decent, and ready to accept defeat.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has bolted the PDP-Laban and formed a new party. Reports say various political groups have expressed interest to join forces with the new political party – which was described by Mayor Junjun Binay as an umbrella organization.

Vice President Jejomar Binay and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas were among those who welcomed US President Barack Obama at the airport. Binay and Roxas got the surprise of their lives when Obama told them, “Two ambitious men standing before me but I have only one photo in my hand, and this photo represents the person who will still be in the running towards becoming the Philippines’ next top leader.” Obama did not reveal who his choice was.

Pulse Asia asked some 1,200 respondents, “Of the people in this list, whom would you vote for if the 2016 presidential elections were held today and they were candidates?” Vice President Binay got 40 percent. Sen. Grace Poe got 15 percent. Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago got 10 percent. Sen. Francis Escudero got 9 percent and DILG Sec. Mar Roxas got upset.

DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly lost his cool when he was told to pay some fees at the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club last April 6. For Roxas, it was an “unfortunate incident.” For Vice President Binay, it was an early Christmas gift.

When the staff of the Wack Wack Golf and Country Club insisted that he pay some fees, DILG Sec. Mar Roxas reportedly uttered, “’Tang-i*@! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng ganyang rules!?! ’Tang-i*@! Walang bawal-bawal sa akin!” Shocked, the Wack Wack staff allegedly replied, “’Tang-i*@! Nag-ju-juice diet ka rin ba?!”

1.1 oBAMAPresidents
The weather bureau has declared that summer has officially started. It’s the dry season. Or as President Aquino calls it, “My sex life.”

President Obama is in the Philippines for a two-day visit. He took a chopper to Malacañang where President Aquino was waiting. When the eagle landed, he was welcomed by the bald eagle.

Senator Ralph Recto has proposed the creation of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts where photos of the most wanted felons could be posted. For Filipinos to know the identity of the country’s biggest criminals, they just have to visit those social media accounts. Option 2: visit Senate or Congress.

As expected, several lawmakers have denied the allegation of pork misuse – thus proving yet again the adage, “Ang sinungaling ay kapatid ng congressman.”

Janet Lim-Napoles was emotional inside the courtroom last week. She begged that she be allowed to be confined and operated on because she’s experiencing unbearable pain. When she was rushed to the hospital though, doctors found nothing urgent and she was immediately discharged. They gave her painkillers and a congratulatory note that said “Nice try!”

Last week, an emotional Janet Lim-Napoles appealed that she be allowed to undergo medical examination at the posh St. Luke’s Medical Center saying, “Matagal ko nang tinitiis ang sakit. Maawa naman kayo.” The judge allowed a check up not at St. Luke’s though, but at the Ospital ng Makati where a series of tests revealed she was in a very stable condition. Doctors classified her disease as ‘choosy.’

In case the court allows it, suspected pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim-Napoles will pay for her surgery. Her lawyer says she’ll use her own money not taxpayers’ money. What’s the difference?

Healing Priest
Newspaper reports revealed the alleged lavish lifestyle of popular “healing priest” Fernando Suarez. But Suarez has denied the allegation. The Inquirer reported that several bishops have shunned Suarez “because his healing ministry had turned out to be a moneymaking venture.” Apparently, the bishops hate competition.

#PrayForPangasinan became a top trending topic on Twitter for two days after ABS-CBN News reported something about a “mysterious flesh-eating disease” that was “slowly” spreading in the province. It turned out to be a hoax. It was not “flesh-eating.” It was not “mysterious.” It was not “spreading.” It was not well-researched.

When Bandila aired the controversial report last Monday, the news program even used the hashtag #MisteryosongSakitSaBandila. The “misteryosong sakit” was later identified as sloppy reporting.

In Tanauan City, Batangas… a man who stole dried fish was publicly shamed by the mayor by making him walk, hands tied behind him, through the city streets with the sign, “Ako ay magnanakaw.” The remorseful man begged for compassion and forgiveness so the mayor agreed to change the sign to “Ako ay senador.”

Divergent opened in theaters last March 19. In the movie, citizens of a futuristic society are divided into five factions based on their personalities: Abnegation (selfless); Amity (kind); Candor (honest); Erudite (intelligent), and Thieves (lawmakers).

Opening soon in theaters is the Biblical epic ‘Noah’ starring Russell Crowe. It tells the story of a man who gets a warning that a bad weather is coming so he must prepare. He is told to lead by example. He did! And his people were saved. Tacloban Mayor Alfred Romualdez can learn a lot from this movie.

Still showing right now is ‘300: Rise of an Empire.” It tells the story of a massive force attempting to expand its dominion by invading lands and nations. The movie’s working title was ‘China.’

Colorado-based pastor Kevin Swanson says Academy Award-winning movie ‘Frozen’ is “evil” and will turn kids gay. He believes that the character Elsa could be homosexual since she chose to remain single. President Aquino is offended.

At the reopening of the Manila Cathedral, Manila Archbishop Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle reminded Filipinos to worship God and shun “false idols.” In the interest of fairness, we’ll get the side of KathNiel fans.

A day after it was reported that a drunk Anne Curtis humiliated Sam Concepcion in a party, the Dyesebel star was stung by a jellyfish. ABS-CBN posted photos of Anne in a hospital bed. This morning, the jellyfish issued a statement denying participation in damage control.

Anne Curtis was reportedly stung by a jellyfish. The TV host/actress is now ok but the jellyfish has died of alcohol poisoning.

Anne Curtis’s boyfriend, Erwan Heussaff lashed back at netizens who have been posting “jellyfish jokes.” Erwan called them “idiots” and “judgmental asses.” What a supportive bf! Anne must be so proud of him. Let’s drink to that!

Moral of the Story: Don’t drink and Anne.

In Nicaragua… A court has decided to try three men accused of attempting to steal two bananas valued at 32 cents. People from around the world were shocked when they heard the news – Nicaraguans steal bananas and they get to be tried in court while Filipinos steal millions and they get to deliver privilege speeches.

Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta has signed a law that allows men to marry as many women as they want. When Bong Revilla heard this, he said, “Paano pumunta sa Kenya?”
“Politicians as a class are dangerous. People who are seeking power over us are not, by definition, our friends.”
~James Bovard

Sound Bites
“The President has every right to do this if the nominee is undeserving. But Nora Aunor deserves the award and by denying her this honor, the President displays his incapacity to appreciate excellence.”
~F. Sionil Jose

Have a good weekend and an even better month of July!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Rappler, ABS-CBN News, GMA News]


7 02 2013

JUST LIKE LAST YEAR, the Aquino family organized a surprise birthday party for President Noy at the Aquino residence on Times Street, Quezon City. The event was hosted by the president’s youngest sister, Krissy.

A video of the event was anonymously sent to the Professional Heckler. Here’s the full transcript.

(Noy enters the house; turns the lights on)


Hi Noy! Naloka ka ‘noh? We’re all here again! Aha-ha-ha!

(Coughs) Grabe naman kayong manggulat! (Coughs) Kung inatake ako rito, (Coughs) kayo ang sisisihin ko. Ano bang meron? (Coughs)

Hellooooo! It’s your 53rd birthday, remember!? Hay nakuuu, tumatanda ka na talaga. But in fairness, ‘di halata. Para ka lang 52! Aha-ha-ha

Ballsy: Guys, kids, all together now: “Haaaaaappy birthdaaaay to youuuuu!!!”

Thank you, (Coughs) thank you. Pwede bang magpahinga muna ako?

Noooo! ‘Di pwede ‘no! May surprise pa kami sa ‘yo. Kasi before ka dumating, pinakialaman na naman ni Ate Pinky ang answering machine mo.

PINKY: Krissy!! Anong pinakialaman?! I did not do anything…

BALLSY: Sige na nga, ako na. Ako na ang nakialam.

‘Yun na! To the rescue ang eldest! Winnnnnner! Bongga ka talaga Ate.

(Coughs) O ‘asan na ang surprise? (Coughs) Antok na talaga ako.

Ay, agad-agad? Helllllo! Appreciate naman our effort. Puro ka kasi trabaho. Sa Christmas trabaho, sa Holy Week trabaho, pati ba naman sa birthday mo, trabaho pa rin?!

Of course! ‘Kita mo naman ang economy Krissy… 6.6 percent growth! We surpassed our target for 2012!

‘Yun na! How can I argue with success nga naman? Note to self: ‘Krissy, shut up ka na lang, ok? Maganda ang takbo ng economy!’ Kaya Noy, ikaw na!

No Krissy… ikaw na! Hi-hi

Ayyyy, Bumu-Boy Abunda! Luvvvvvvet! Aha-ha-ha Wait! Everyone… may I have your attention please? Pakikinggan na natin ang messages sa answering machine ni Kuya Noy. First message… Ate Pinky, press mo naaaa!

“Mr President, sa UNA headquarters ‘to. Curious lang kami sa TV ad ng LP. Sabi mo do’n, ‘Sa daang matuwid, maraming gustong sumali. Pero meron ding nagpapanggap lamang.’ Mr. President, kami ba ang pinapatamaan mo?”

Ayyyyy, defensive! Obvious naman Noy ‘di ba? May iba pa ba?

Kristina, ako ang tinanong ‘di ba? So ako ang dapat sumagot!

Sabi ko nga! Hay naku Krissy, quiet ka na lang kasi. Continue Noy…

Wala akong partikular na pinapatamaan sa TV commercial na ‘yon. Now, kung makaramdam kayo ng guilt, baka may ginawa kayong masama.

True!!! Guilty siguro!


Sorry! Ate Ballsy… next message please. Press mo na! Now na!

“Hello?? Noy-bi?! Ooopssh, I am shorry. Anyway, I need not introduce myshelf kashi shure ako, alam mo na kung shino. Firsht, happy birthday sha ‘yo ‘no? Parang kailan lang, eshtudyante pa lang kita sha Ateneo. Not sho bright then but not sho bobo either. Look at you now… my lucky successhor. Lucky kashi mataas ang GDP when I sshtep down. I jusht wanna shay congratssh dahil medyo stable na ang economy natin. Ang challenge sha ‘yo ngayon: mapantayan mo ang 7.9 percent growth sa first half of 2010. Wish ko lang din, maging fair ka sha mga kalaban mo sha pulitika ‘no? It should be an anti-corruption drive, not anti-Arroyo family drive, ‘no? Happy birthday again at shana ay matagpuan mo na ang babae para sha ‘yo para gabi-gabi… plenty. Ang shaya, shaya ‘no? Bye!”

Noy, can I react?

Kristina, ‘wag mo nang patulan.

No Noy! Sorry… but I have to say something. Kasi po, for a long time, you have been critical of my brother. Tamad raw, bobo, walang alam, mahina, stupid. I’m not saying he’s not any of these but… wala ho kayong narinig na salita sa amin ever bilang paggalang na rin sa maysakit. Ngayon, nag-iba na ang hangin. Pakiramdam ko po bilang kapatid ng pangulo… vindicated s’ya, vindicated kami. Kaya next time, bago kayo bumatikos, sana mag-isip muna kayo. Sino ho bang nakakulong? Sino ho bang may kaso? Sino ho bang ‘di pinagtitiwalaan ng publiko? ‘Di ba kayo?

BALLSY: Krissy, ano ka ba!? Answering machine ‘yang kinakausap mo!

Gosh, oo nga, I forgot. Hay naku! Ito naman kasing si Viel hindi nagsasalita. ‘Yan tuloy, mega-emote ako sa telepono. Para akong tanga, nakakaloka! Jiggy, next message please! Press mo na!

“Hi Noy! This is your Tita Tingting. On behalf of your Tito Peping, i’d like to greet you a very happy birthday. We really miss you na. Sana makapag-dinner naman tayo sa bahay with China, Mikee, and Maimai. Malapit na ang Mayo. I hope maging one big happy Cojuangco clan tayo. Alam mo na!”

Noy, are you voting for her in May?

Kris… next message please!

‘Yun na! Ayoko nang dagdagan. Mahirap na. Aha-ha-ha. Josh… next message! Press mo na!

“Bianca, umamin ka na! Bianca wouldn’t believe me but it’s true. With Pantene, wala kang worry about hairfall. Pero ang hirrwap naman kasing maniwala. Evewytime I bwrrush my hairrr, may haiwrfall…”

Stop! Who did this? Bimby, did you leave this message sa answering machine ng Tito Noy mo?

What’s answering machine mama?

Fine! Prank caller siguro. Sorry Noy. Wait… Bimbyyyyy, stop making papak that can of Nido! Jonty… next message please. Press mo na!

“Pare, ba’t naman gano’n? May atraso ba ako sa ‘yo? Ginago ba ng pamilya namin ang pamilya n’yo? Bakit sabi mo sa speech mo kanina sa Cavite, ‘Huwag po tayong umasa sa tsamba o sa agimat o anting-anting.’ Wala namang bastusan p’re. Puro ka satsat eh. Kung gusto mo suntukan na lang tayo o kaya, paramihan ng chicks. Ano? ‘Di kesyo birthday mo, palalampasin ko ‘to! Laban ka? ”

Kris, gusto mong mag-react?

Hay naku Noy! Ewan ko sa ‘yo at sa speechwriters mo! Alam mo namang kumpare ko si Bong at kumare ko si Lani ‘di ba? Idinamay mo pa ang agimat nila! Para kang bata! Eh obvious namang mga Revilla ang pinaparinggan mo ’noh!? Nakakaloka ka!

Hindi mo ‘ko ipagtatanggol?

Ayaw kong madamay sa gulong ‘yan ‘noh. Nananahimik ako! In other words… care bears! Hello na lang sa pamilya Maliksi. Anyway, Bimby, next message please. Press mo na!

“Ginoong Aquino, si Bishop Calinislinisan ito. Sa iyong kaarawan, nawa’y pagpalain ka ng Panginoon… ‘yan eh kung napatawad ka na Niya sa pagpirma mo sa RH Law. Kababuyan ang batas na ‘yan.”

Aray ko! Ako na ang sasagot Noy.

This time Kristina, sige. Go!

Keri ko ‘to. With all due respect Bishop Naglilinislinisan, I mean, Calinislinisan, ano pong kababuyan ang sinasabi n’yo? My brother is not a pig! My brother is not a pig! Ang kapatid ko ay pangulo, at maayos niyang ginagawa ang kanyang trabaho! Promise!

Sabihin mo, 6.6% ang GDP growth.

Wait, ba’t ‘di ikaw ang magsabi Noy? Afraid ka sa mga obispo no? Kasi eleksyon na. Baka iba ang UNAhin nilang ikampanya. Aha-ha-ha


Fine. Sige, next message na nga lang. Press ko na!

“Awoooooo, bakit mo ako pinabayaan? Ang pangako mo noong nakaraang halalan, ako ay iyong susuportahan. Awoooooo! Pero bakit nangyari ‘to? Pinatay ako ng iyong mga kaalyado. Awooooooo! Nagdadalamhati… FOI Bill”

Kristina… can you answer that?

Huh? Bakit ako?! Hellllllllo! Ako ba ang nag-promise during the 2010 campaign? Kasi naman… kapag kampanya, ‘wag mag-promise nang ‘di naman tutuparin. Ayokong sagutin ‘yan. Sorry Noy…. kahit love love love kita… isyu mo ‘yang FOI Bill… hindi ko isyu ‘yan.

Sige, ignore na lang natin ang message na ‘yan.

You’re so baaaaad. Hate na kita. Anong ignore? I’ll give you 5 minutes to think of an answer. Listen ka muna sa sunod na message. Josh… press it!

“Hi President Noy. Si Mitos Magsaysay ‘to. Gusto ko lang ipaalam sa ‘yo na kasama mo ako sa pagtahak sa tuwid na daan. Kung binabatikos man kita, constructive criticism lang ‘yon. Happy birthday and may you have many more birthdays to come.”

Eeeeew. Kadiri ka Noy! Bakit alam n’ya ang number mo dito sa bahay?

Aba, malay ko!

Would you like to reply? Kasama mo rin daw siya sa ‘tuwid na daan!’


Aha-ha-ha! You’re so mean! I luvvvvvettt! May two messages pa yatang naiwan. Noy… ikaw na ang magpress. Now na!

“Hi Kuya Noy, happy birthday po! Kahit wala na kami ng kapatid mo, malaki pa rin ang pasasalamat ko sa ‘yo. Salamat sa pag-aalaga mo kay Baby James. Alam kong may mga…”

Waitttttt! Pause mo muna! Tama ba ang naririnig ko????!!! Boses ba ‘yan ng lalaking ‘yon?!!

Kristina, patapusin mo muna!

“… marami kaming pinagdaanan ni Kris pero hindi nawawala ang respeto ko sa ‘yo. Kahit magka-crush pa sa ibang lalaki si Kris…”

Sandali! Bakit kailangang topic ako? Hellllloooo! He’s just leaving a birthday message right? Bakit nadamay na naman ako?

Krissssy, let him finish!

“… hindi naman ako magseselos eh. Ang importante maayos niyang naaalagaan si Baby James.”

‘Buti alam mo! And pleaseeeee…. It’s Bimby not Baby something. Eeeew! Pwede ba Noy, magpalit ka na ng number dito sa bahay. Kung sinu-sinong kaluluwa ang tumatawag! Kaloka lang huh! Last message na!

“Mr. Prisidint, si Pacman po ‘to. Sabi ng mga taga-Ruma sa Chaptir 13, Virs 8: “Ang nagmamahal sa kapwa ay tumutupad sa Kautusan.” Maligayang kaarawan Mistir Prisidint. Make lab not war. To air is human, and it is divine. Think you, think you at maraming salamat sa pagsupurta sa new show ko sa GMA, ‘Para Sa ‘Yo, Ang Laban Na ‘To.’”

Nakakaloka! Pati ba naman sa answering machine, mag-promote??!! Hindi ko siya kinakaya!

Hayaan mo na siya Kris.

Sabi pa niya, ‘to air is human.’ Gross! Promise. That’s so gross!


Fine! Everyone, wala munang aalis kasi piktyur-piktyur muna with the birthday boy. Bimby, Josh, come. Dapat sa tabi kayo ni Tito Noy.

Sandali. Pwede bang kumain na lang muna kayo? Gusto ko munang magpahinga. Later na lang.

Ganoooo’n? Suplado much na?

6.6% GDP growth!

Fine! Ikaw na talaga Noy, ikaw na!

No, Krissy. Ikaw na!


Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
~Jennifer Yane

Sound Bites
“Paalala lamang po: Asahan na po ninyong may mga nagpapanggap, at may mga nakikisakay diumano sa ating krusada; may mga nakikisuot ng kulay dilaw, pero hindi tiyak kung anong kulay ang nasa loobin. Huwag po tayong umasa sa tsamba, o sa agimat o anting-anting [laughter].”
~President Aquino’s Speech, Imus Cavite/February 7, 2013

Have a fun-filled weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photo: Aquino’s Official Facebook Page/ Tingting C: Philstar.Com]


30 05 2012

IMMEDIATELY AFTER the conviction of the Chief Justice on Tuesday, May 29, the Corona Impeachment Trial for Unity & Solidarity (COITUS) Awards were held at the impeachment court. The Coitus was taped and will be telecast on a delayed basis real soon. Nonetheless, I was able to get a copy of the full transcript of the event. Enjoy!

Senate Sgt. At Arms: All rise for tonight’s host, the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

(Canned applause/ Music: Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO)

Helllllooooo! I’m baaaack! Gosh, I can’t explain how I feel right now! Grabeeee! This moment is so much bigger than me and the Cojuangco clan. I’m just so happy. Wait, before we formally begin, can I just share a story? Promise, quick lang ‘to.

I was on the phone with Noy last night, sabi niya, “Kristina, can you please pray for a guilty verdict tomorrow?” Siyempre, presidente na ‘yong tumawag sa ‘kin kaya no choice ako ‘noh! ‘Tsaka afraid naman ako baka sabihin ni Ate Pinky, “Kris, minsan lang makiusap ang kuya mo. ‘Wag mong tanggihan!” So that night, kasama ko si Bimby at si Josh, we prayed the rosary and super pray talaga kami kay Mama Mary. Wait, andun pala sa bahay si Sweet pero ayaw niyang mag-pray kasi pro-Corona daw siya. Aha-ha-ha Sorry John Lapus, nilaglag kita. Bakit? Eh totoo namang crush mo si Atty Midas Marquez ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha.

Anyway, so ‘yon na nga. Sabay-sabay kaming nag-pray no’ng dalawang bagets na sana maka-16 man lang just to convict CJ. Happy na kami do’n. Then while watching the voting kanina, biglang nag-17, 18 then nag-19 pa. So naloka na ko nang bonggang-bongga. Sabi ko, “OA ka Mama Mary, pinagmumukha mo naman akong dupang!” Aha-ha-ha ‘Tapos umabot pa ng 20… gosh. We’re really blessed. Thankful talaga ako. As in. Kaya sa 20 brave senators, I love you naaaa! Promise, I will tell Noy to increase your pork barrel. Gusto n’yo ba ‘yon?


Ay, deadma?? ‘K. Fine. Kung ayaw n’yo… mga congressmen na lang ang tatanungin ko. Those guys sa left in Barong Tagalog, gusto n’yo ba ng increase sa pork barrel?


Bongga! Walang hesitation! Basta pork barrel, ang bibilis. Aha-ha-ha! With that, let’s staaaaart! Welcome to the Corona Impeachment Trial for Unity & Solidarity or COITUS Awards! Tonight, bibigyan natin ng parangal ang ilang impeachment players na agaw-eksena talaga sa 44 days ng trial. Kung mapapansin n’yo, Vicki Belo is present sa gallery. Hi Vickiiiii! Sponsor natin siya tonight. Smile ka naman d’yan! There! Ang cute talaga ng ngiti mo friend. very unique. Promise. Lips lang talaga ang gumagalaw. You’re so talented! Aha-ha-ha!

Here we gooo! Itodo na natin dahil si Congresswoman Agabas ay may pupuntahan pa yatang kasal. In fairness, ninang na ninang ang aura mo today madam. I luveeeeet! Special awards muna tayo! Just so you know, a jury monitored the vote and the explanation kanina of each senator at doon namin ibinatay ang parangal na ito. The results were tabulated by the accounting firm of Ernst & Young. Ito ang “It’s All About Me!” Award. Envelope please.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Murang Pabahay Realty… Mura man ang bahay, hindi naman inaanay)

The “It’s All About Me!” Award goes to…

(Drum Roll)

Senator Manny Villar! Yeeeeey! Congratulations! Come here Senator, get mo ang Coitus trophy mo.

(Cue instrumental music: Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura…)

Thank you, Kris. Maraming salamat. Kung hindi mo mamasamain, ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng award na ito?

Helllllo! Eh kasi naman Senator, nag-moment ka pa sa iyong explanation kanina. Si Corona ang accused remember? Not you! Eh bakit pati Villaroyo, pagligo sa dagat ng basura, black propaganda, kahirapan, at C5 issue noong 2010 kinalkal mo pa? Kaloka ka! Gusto mo bang imbestigahan ka rin? Joke lang! O sha, go na. Happy 20th anniversary na lang sa Villar Foundation! Ang aga ng TV commercial huh! Ayaw ng Comelec ng ganyan!

Moving on… Before our major awards, can we give Senator Lapid a round of applause, please? Kasi, he trended worldwide kanina! Winnnner! Palakpakan natin siya!

(Boisterous applause)

In fairness to him huh, nag-trend siya talaga for like 32.764 minutes. Promise. Sorry Bong! Pero tinalbugan ka talaga ni Senator Lapid. Kung siya, worldwide trending, ikaw naman, trending lang sa bandang Bacoor at Kamuning! Aha-ha-ha! I love you Lani!

Our next category is the “Most Damaging Testimony” Award. The nominees are…
– Ombudsman Conchita “Mea culpa” Carpio-Morales. In fairness, nakipagsabayan siya kay Senator Miriam! Bongga! (Canned applause)

– Land Registration Authority Administrator Eulalio “45 Properties” Diaz III. Love siya ni Noy. Go Ateneo! (Canned applause)

And lastly, Chief Justice Renato “Hypoglycemia” Corona. Matapos umamin sa ‘di nadeklarang dollar accounts, mega-walkout?? Rudeness!!! Imbyerna ang judges! I’m sure!

Sino sa palagay n’yo ang winner??! Envelope please.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Philippine Weekly Inquirer: Balanced Views, Fearless News Or So They Claim)

And the “Most Damaging Testimony” Award goes to… Any guesses guys?

(Drum roll)

Journalist/blogger Raissa Robles!!! Yeeeey! Congratulations!

Is Raissa here? Wala? Anyway, you have done a tremendous job Raissa – better than the congressmen and the private prosecutors combined! Walang bola! You so deserve this! I am accepting the Coitus on your behalf. I love youuuu! Congratulations!

Teka, bakit ang sama ng tingin sa akin ni Atty. Judd Roy?! I hate you naaa. You’re scaring me!

With all due respect, I am not scaring you Kris. Ito ang aking natural look. Goddamn it!

Basta! Don’t stare na lang. Sa iba ka na lang tumingin pleeeeeease. Thank you. Our next category is the “Best Prosecutor Award.” And the nominees are…

Atty. Mario Bautista (Canned applause)
Northern Samar Rep. Raul Daza (Canned applause)
Atty. Demetrio Custodio (Canned applause)
And finally, Iloilo Rep. Niel Tupas Jr.
Ilocos Norte Rep. Rodolfo Fariñas (Canned applause)

Before I announce the winner, I just wanna thank, on behalf of my family, the prosecution team. Sobrang galing n’yo. At the risk of sounding biased, hanga talaga ako sa ‘yo Congressman Fariñas. Si ako ay bilib sa ginawa ni ikaw! Aha-ha-ha Na-senti ka ‘noh?

Anyway, it’s time to announce the winner!

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Mila’s Lechon Paksiw… Lechon Ngayon, Paksiw Bukas!)

The “Best Prosecutor” Award goes to

(Drum roll)

Oh my gosh, it’s a tie! Senators Frank Drilon and Kiko Pangilinan! Wow! Congratulations! Come, come! Moment n’yo ‘to! Bilis! Tito Frank, you first. Palakpak naman kayo!

(Canned applause)

Thank you Kris. Alam n’yo po, para sa bansa ang ginawa namin. Walang pagsisisi, walang pag-aalinlangan basta para sa bayan! Salamat sa pagkilalang ito.

Salamat din Tito Frank. You did well. Ikaw ang Savior for All Seasons! Now, Senator Kiko…

Kris, katulad ng sinabi ni Senator Drilon, hindi ito para sa amin. Hindi ito para sa Liberal Party. Hindi ito para sa 2013 o 2016. Para ito sa milyun-milyong mahihirap na naghahangad ng pagbabago sa ating pamahalaan. I’d like to share this award with my one and only loving wife who’s probably tweeting her bashers right now. Sweetheart, itigil mo na ‘yan!

Nakakaloka! Awayin daw ba si Mega in front of the impeachment court?! Hindi kita kinakaya Senator Kiko. Congratulations!

Senate Sgt. At Arms: Cocktails will be served in a few minutes.

May ganung intermission? Winnner! Promise… mami-miss ko po kayo Sir.

(Phone rings; answers call)

Guys, I have good news. Tumawag si Noy. To celebrate this historic victory, he’s declaring June 9 and 10 special non-working days both in public and private offices nationwide! Yeeeey! Ang bait talaga ng brother ko, promise!

(Phone rings again)

Sorry, I need to take this call.

(Talks on the phone)

Everyone, I have another good news! Kausap ko ang SWS at Pulse Asia. According to their survey na lalabas sa mga diyaryo anytime now, 99.9 percent ng mga Filipino ay agree sa ‘Guilty’ verdict ng Senado. Parang germs lang. How sweeeet! I love you everyone!!!

Diretso na tayo sa iba pang awards. Mabilisan lang ‘to. So please, ‘wag nang papansin. Kapag tinawag kayo as winner, akyat agad ng stage and claim your Coitus trophy. Okay? Gumagabi na. I’m doing this naman for free kaya umayos kayo. Gosh, kung ‘di lang kay Noy I won’t even be here. Feeling ko ang dumi-dumi ko tuloy. Aha-ha-ha

First, the “Many Pacquiao Punching Bag Award.” I think self-explanatory naman ‘yan. Envelope please…

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Alaksan If Ar, Dahil Mahal Ka ni Lord)

The ‘Many Pacquiao Punching Bag Award’ goes to…

(Drum roll)

Lead prosecutor Niel Tupas!
Yey! Congratulations!

Is Congressman Tupas here? Where is he?

Madam, our apologies po. Nagtungo po ng banyo si Congressman Tupas.

My gaaad. Last day na nga lang ng trial, palpak pa rin??? Kainis huh! So sinong tatanggap nitong Coitus trophy niya? Ayokong ireceive ‘to on his behalf ’noh. Baka ma-jinx ako. Mabuti na’ng careful. Ikaw na lang Congresswoman Kaka Bag-ao. Tutal, winner din naman ang outfit mo. Very ‘guidance counselor’ ang peg. Aha-ha-ha! Thanks!

Ang susunod na parangal ay ang “Talakitok Award.” I heard, unanimous po ang vote ng jury. Envelope please…

(Voice Over: The Talakitok Award is brought to you by the Manila Ocean Parking… Sobrang ganda, sobrang saya, sobrang mahal!)

The “Talakitok Award” goes to…

(Drum roll)

Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago! Yeeeey! Congratulations Senator! Kayo po ang nanalo dahil every trial day, hindi puwedeng hindi kayo tatalak! Bongga! Senator, any message?

Mga gago! Ayaw n’yong sabihin ko ang salitang ‘yan? Kagaguhan ang award na ito! Panginoon! Bigyan mo pa ko ng isang buhay, iimbestigahan ko ang jury! Iimbestigahan ko ang trophy! Pati ikaw Kris, iimbestigahan ko! (Walks out)

Gosh, hanggang sa awarding, talakitok pa rin siya! Nakakaloka. Pati ako idinamay. Host lang po ako dito ma’am. At pro bono po ito. Nakakahiya naman sa inyo. Helllooo!

We’re almost done. Our next category: the “Ba’t Ba Ayaw N’yong Maniwala” Award! Sila ‘yong kahit anong paliwanag, nananatiling kaduda-duda ang statement. Envelope please…

(This award is brought to you by the Philippine Stariray… Truth shall prevail!)

The “Ba’t Ba Ayaw N’yong Maniwala” Award goes to…

(Drum roll)

It’s a tie! Congressman Rey “Small lady” Umali and Congressman Bolet “Sa gate ng bahay iniwan” Banal! Yey! I’m so happy for you both. Ikaw muna Congressman Rey. Sino ba talaga si Small Lady?

Ba’t ba ayaw n’yong maniwalang hindi ko siya kilala? Basta ang totoo, nilapitan niya ako. Small siya at lady pa. Sure ako! ‘Tapos may ibinigay siyang envelope na kulay white, yellow, brown. Take it or leave it!

Ohhhh k! You know what guys, grabe ang effort ni Congressman sa trial na ito. He actually lost 2lbs. ‘Wag na nating pagdudahan please. Ang importante, nakatulong si Small Lady sa pag-convict kay CJ. Ok? Ikaw naman Congressman Bolet…

Thank you Kris. Hindi ko rin inexpect ang award na ito. Akala ko nga si Harvey Keh ang mananalo eh.

Ok, I’ll be honest. Lumamang ka ng two points sa botohan dahil ikaw ang orihinal na gumamit ng kwentong “iniwan sa gate ang dokumento” blah blah blah. So congratulations!

And for our second to the last category… the “Lumalaban, Umuusig, at Patas na Abogado” o LUPA Award. Pati ako naloka nang malaman ang edad nila.

(Voice Over: This award is brought to you by Walang Leak Diapers… Kahit anong lakas ng wiwi, hindi ka ngingiwi!)

The LUPA Award goes to… wala nang iba pa: Senate President Enrile and Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas! Yeyyyy!

(Thunderous applause/standing ovation)

Alam n’yo po, Senator Enrile was older than the Revised Penal Code. True! At aaminin ko, hate na hate ko siya noon dahil sa mga coup d’état against my mom. Pero when I saw him preside over the trial, nawala nang slight ang inis ko. Slight lang. He’s actually great.

Si Justice Cuevas naman po, hindi pa naiimbento ang telebisyon, nanonood na siya ng TV. Kaloka. Paano nangyari ‘yon? I can’t believe na pareho na silang 80 plus! Gosh, nagva-Viagra kaya sila. Ooops, sorry. Me and my big mouth. Aha-ha-ha! Ayokong imaginin ‘yong Dingdong Dantes nila. Ooops, sorry again. Erase na. Erase. Aha-ha-ha

(Enrile and Cuevas smile)

Ay! Sorry! Buhay pa pala kayo. Gusto n’yo pong mag-message? ‘Wag na lang. OT na tayo eh. Aha-ha-ha. Basta, congratulations to our LUPA Awardees! Thank you Senator Enrile. Thank you Justice Cuevas! Palakpakan ulit!

Sgt. At Arms: All rise… everyone is ordered to remain on their seats until…

Teka lang Mr. Sgt. At Arms, may last award pa ako. Atat much? Kaloka. Ito ang “Proud Ako Sa ‘Yo Award.” Wala talaga ito sa listahan ng mga categories pero isinama ko. Wala kayong choice. Ako ang masusunod dahil host ako. Aha-ha-ha.

The “Proud Ako Sa ‘Yo Award” goes to…

(Drum Roll)

President Noynoy Aquino!


Hellloooo! Walang applause? Presidente ‘yon ‘noh!

(Canned Applause)

I love yoooou! Anyway, proud ako kay Noy dahil sa kabila ng mga pagdududa, naipanalo niya ang trial na ito. Despite the prosecution’s blunders, despite the pressure from the Iglesia ni Cristo, despite the recent heartbreak (his 8th in less than two years), he held on. Noy, sure akong proud na proud sina Mommy at Daddy. More power and may you find your true happiness very soon. Ke Korean pa ‘yan o Chinese, broadcaster o stylist o lalaki, bahala ka! Kung saan ka liligaya! Josh and Bimby will visit you soon. Love you.

(Senator Miriam resurfaces)

Panginoon, bigyan mo pa ako ng isang buhay! Iimbestigahan ko ang mga tao sa Senado at Kongreso! Pati ikaw Panginoon, iimbestigahan ko!

That’s it for us. This is Kris Aquino…

Panginoon, isang buhay pa please!

… at ito po ang Coitus Awards! Nakakaloka!
“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”

Pre-Coitus Awards citations given to other impeachment players:

Best Junior Speaker (English): Atty. Dennis Manalo
Best Junior Speaker (Filipino): Cong. Rudy Fariñas
Best in Recitation (Most Active): Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano
Mr. Grace Under Pressure: Atty. Tranquil Salvador
Ms. Grace Under Pressure: BIR Commissioner Kim Henares

Most Amusing: Cong. Elpidio Barzaga (Prosecution)
Most Fierce: Ombudsman Conchita Carpio-Morales
Most Behaved: Sen. Bong Revilla
Most Quiet: Sen. Lito Lapid

Most Insensitive: Philippine Daily Inquirer (Demetrio Vicente Photo)
Most Intense Moment: Atty. Vitaliano Aguirre vs. Senator Santiago

Hairstyle (Female): Atty. Karen Jimeno
Hairstyle (Male): Cong. Miro Quimbo
Worst Hair: Cong. Toby Tiangco
Twitter Trending King: Sen. Lito Lapid

Best In Terno: Cong. Marlyn Primicias-Agabas

Impeachment Stunner: Atty. Macel Jimenez

Happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


23 05 2012

ALMOST EXACTLY a month after she presided over Chief Justice Renato Corona’s impeachment trial, Queen of All Media Kris Aquino is back. She was asked to lead the impeachment court on Day 40 when the Chief Justice was presented by the Defense panel as its final witness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, all rise for Senate President and presiding officer Kris Aquino.

Hellllloooo! Good afternoon! I’m sure naloka kayo dahil biglang disappear si Senator Enrile ‘noh? Wala kayong choice! I will be the presiding officer today, Day 40 of the trial. Game na ba kayo?


Ay! NR talaga? I hate youuuuu! Again, game na ba kayo?!?

Game na game na!

Winnnner! Bongga ang gallery huh. Jampacked. Wait, is that Mrs. Corona?

(Mrs. Cristina Corona smiles.)

Hi Ma’am. You’re beautiful! Promise. Who are you wearing? So elegant! Hindi ka galit sa red ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Anyway, Mr. Lead Defense Counsel, is Chief Justice Corona here na?

Your honor, he’s already seated. Nasa witness chair.

Hellllo! Malay ko ba. Hindi ko naman napansin nang pumasok ‘noh. Hi Chief Justice! Finally, nagkita rin tayo! Humanda ka!

Is that a threat your honor?

Aha-ha-ha I was just kidding! Kaloka! You’re so gullible. O, bakit may nagtataas ng kamay sa banda do’n?

For the prosecution, your honor may i?

What’s the pleasure of the lead prosecutor? My gad. Niel Tupas, it’s you again! You and your hideous Cachupoy hairstyle! Aha-ha-ha

Madam President, we’d like to ask permission from this honorable court to allow one of our private lawyers, Mario Bautista to receive the testimony of the Chief Justice and to conduct the cross examination.

May choice ba ako? Granted. Let’s proceed. Mr. Chief Justice, welcome again to the impeachment court.

May I be allowed to make a statement not only to this honorable tribunal but to the Filipino people?

Sureness. Make it bongga ok? Alam mo naman! Importante ang ratings. Kung walang rating, walang commercials. Kung walang commercials, kanselado ang show. Alam ‘yan ng staff ko sa “The Price Is Right.” Oooops, TMI. Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Mga minamahal kong kababayan. Ako ay nandito sa impeachment court na ito upang tumupad sa aking pangako sa sambayanan na ipapaliwanag ko ang lahat. Kailangan po sigurong tanungin ng sambayanan kung bakit tayo nagkaka-impeachment trial na ganito. Hindi naman kaila na ginamit ng gobyerno ang buong makinarya at pwersa upang ako ay tanggalin.

Objection Madam President.

Yes, Attorney Bautista…

This is unfair. Wala ang gobyerno dito to defend itself.

True! Agree ako d’yan! You’re so bright Attorney! Saang law school ka nga galing?

UP your honor!

Sure ka? Hindi ba Ateneo?

UP talaga your honor eh!

‘k! Fine. Pero saan ang pre-law mo?

Ateneo your honor!

Winnnnnner! Kaya naman pala eh. Go! Ateneo! A-ha-ha-ha As I was saying lagi na lang gobyerno ang at fault. Wala nang ginawang tama ang kuya ko. Siya na lang lagi ang sinisisi. Why not blame the Vice President for a change? Agree?


Helllo! I’m asking you.

Prosecution Panel: Agree!

Winnnner! I love you naaaa! Objection sustained. Proceed!

Let me continue Madam President. Lahat ng nakita ko mula nang magsimula ang trial na ito ay hatred, galit ng isang tao. Ano ba ang karapatan ng hacienderong pangulo na madismaya sa pamamahagi ng lupa ng Hacienda Luisita? Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pinahiram lamang sa mga Cojuangco. Ang lupaing ‘yan ay pwersahang inagaw mula sa ninuno ng mga magsasaka.

Excuuuse me! Helllo! That’s libelous! Naninira ka na naman. You know for a fact na quiet lang kami ng mga ate ko. Lalo na si Viel. This pang-aapi on our family is just too much. Promise. Sobra na eh. Change topic na tayo ok? Otherwise, I’ll strike that off the records. Go!

Ang lifestyle po namin ay simple lamang. Kami ay nakatira sa parehong bahay na minana ko sa aking magulang.

In fairness, pareho kayo ni Noy. Finally, you have something in common.

Hindi kami gumagamit ng aircon dahil napakadali naming magkasakit sa lamig.


Your honor?

May sinabi ba ako?. Proceed!

Simpleng pagkain lamang ang aming kinakain sa bahay.

Si Noy din. Happy na siya sa tostadong corned beef. Promise. Actually weird talaga ang kapatid kong ‘yon! Aha-ha-ha

At sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi kami ay walang katulong sa bahay. Paminsan-minsan lang may dumarating para maglinis ng aming bahay o mamlansta ng aming damit.

Isa pang ‘weh?’

Your honor?

Sabi ko nahiya naman ako sa ‘yo! Bimby has two while Josh has one yaya. Continue!

Wala po akong 10 to 12 million US dollars katulad ng sinabi ni Ombudsman Morales. Wala din po akong 82 dollar bank accounts. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit na isang kusing. Wala po akong ninakaw sa gobyerno kahit isang pera. Wala po akong

Stop! Curious lang ako. Bakit may mga senators at congressmen na biglang tumungo nang mabanggit ang word na “ninakaw?” O, ‘wag mag-denyyyy!. Kitang-kita ko kayo from where I’m seated! Kaloka! Guilty much? Aha-ha-ha Proceed!

Masuwerte po ako na ang napangasawa ko ay isang babaeng napakasimple at napakatipid rin. This past 40 years wala kaming nabiling mamahaling properties katulad ng magagarang bahay sa exclusive subdivision o mamahaling kotse o paintings.

Fault namin ‘yon?

Your honor, may sinasabi po kayo?

Wala ‘no!. Ituloy mo lang.

Simple po ang aming naging pamumuhay. hindi po kailanman kami namuhay nang maluho. lahat po ng nakakakilala sa amin, taong malalapit sa amin, taong mga lumaki kasabay ng aking mga anak ang makakapagsabi kung gaano kasimple ang aming pamumuhay mula noong hanggang ngayon.

Mr. Chief Justice, sorry huh pero boring na! Nagchu-tune out na ang viewers. Promise. Wait lang, may announcement muna ako. Guys, nag-text si Boy sa akin. May sad news ako. It’s confirmed! Hiwalay na si Senator Koko Pimentel sa asawa niyang si Jewel May Lobaton. Awwww. Sad naman. I can totally relate. Been there. Not just once but thrice, no, twice lang pala. Ba’t ba sinama ko si Alvin sa bilang? Aha-ha-ha Sorrrrry. Anyway, I believe Senator Koko is here? Oh, there! Hi Koko! Promise, I’ll pray for you and your kids. Ipagdadasal kita sa Manaoag. Be strong ok?

(Koko nods.)

Ano bang nangyari? May third party ba? Ooops, ganito na lang, mag-guest ka sa KrisTV at doon mo ikuwento lahat. Keri?

(Koko makes thumbs up sign.)

Winnnner! O, narinig n’yo guys huh. Exclusive sa KrisTV, magsasalita si Senator Koko. Bongga ka talaga!

Your honor, may I continue.

Ay! Sorrrry! Nand’yan ka pala Chief Justice. Aha-ha-ha

Ang mga sinasabi ko ay hindi exaggeration. Simula nang ako ay nagtrabaho, walang lumipas na buwan na hindi ako nag-ipon ng bahagi ng aking kinita. Kaya nakakainsulto na matapos ang 45 years ng pagtitipid sasabihin sa amin, “Bakit marami kang cash? Siguro magnanakaw ka.” Nakakainsulto. Nakakasakit ng loob. (Weeps)


Cuevas: The witness your honor is appearing to be emotional. He is on the verge of tears.

Helllloooo! We can see that Mr. Defense Counsel. No need to describe. Hindi naman ‘to drama sa dzRH. Kaloka! Mrs. Corona, give him tissue na. Bilis. Masyado nang tumatagal ang opening. Baka abutan tayo ng The 700 Club Asia.

Session suspended for one minute.

Guys, off the record naman tayo right? Nabasa n’yo ba ang article ni Tito Ricky Lo today? Hindi ko kinaya. Nali-link pala si Chiz ngayon kay Heart Evangelista! Helllllooooo! Kahit may Barrio Fiesta chain of restaurants ang mga Ongpauco, mas mayaman naman ako do’n noh! Aha-ha-ha!

[Chiz smiles.]

O, ba’t nagba-blush ka Chiz! Hooooooy, wala akong sinabi huh! Feeling ka! Aha-ha-ha!

[Senator Miriam interrupts.]

You really are hilarious Kris! Your father must be so proud.

Ay, may sumingit? Guys, ‘di ba si Chiz lang ang kausap ko? Ba’t may nakikisawsaw? Consider yourself ignored.

Mea culpa. I’m sorry.

Noted! Anyway, the Chief Justice I think is ok?

Session resumes.

Your honor, may I continue?

Go lang!

Madam President, wala akong kasalanan, wala akong katiwalian. Ako ay hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno. Kaya ngayong hapon, I hereby waive my right of confidentiality and authorize all banking institutions to disclose to the public any and all information pertaining to all peso and dollar accounts.

Ayyyy! Winnnner! Bongga ka! But knowing you, feeling ko may catch…

I am humbly asking all 188 complainants from the House of Representatives and Sen. Franklin Drilon to join me in a moment of truth as a gesture of transparency and reconciliation with the Filipino people and to one another. I am asking them to sign these blank forms and join me sapagkat hiling po ito ng bayan. Let us face the people together.

‘Yun na! Sabi ko na nga ba eh. May something sa waiver na ‘yan. My gosh… look at Tito Frank! Namumula ka Senator Drilon. Aha-ha-ha! Umamin ka, kinabahan ka ng slight no?!? My gad. Pati ‘yong prosecution panel, namumutla kayo. Chill! ‘Wag masyadong pahalata, ok? Mapapahiya si Noy. Aha-ha-ha. Continue Mr Chief Justice…

If any of you should choose to decline, I regret that there’s no point in my waiver. I am no thief, I am no criminal. I have done no wrong. But I am also no fool. Isusumite ko po ang aking waiver kapag kumpleto na ang 189 waivers. Kung hindi sila papayag sa hamong ito, bibigyan ko ng direktiba ang mga abogado ko na irest na ang depensa.

Nakakaloka ka! Conditional talaga?! Ano ka ba!? Sayang ang chance mong maging popular. Sign lang nang sign! Promise, kapag nag-sign ka without any condition today, magla-live ako tomorrow sa KrisTV at ikaw ang solong guest ko kahit hate na hate ka ng mga boss sa ABS. Promise! Aha-ha-ha!

Guys, game na ba kayong ma-witness ang pag-sign ngayon ng waiver ni Chief Justice Corona na walang kondisyon?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! Ay! Ba’t umismid si Mrs.Corona. I saw what you did there! ‘Wag kang tatanggi. At kayo naman pamilya Basa, kung maka-react naman kayo d’yan, parang sure na kayo sa conviction! Kaloka! Kuhang-kuha kayo ng camera ng ANC ‘noh!! Aha-ha-ha! Wait, tapos ka na ba sa opening statement Chief Justice?

Maraming salamat at pagpalain nawa tayo ng Poong Maykapal. And now, the Chief Justice of the Republic of the Philippines wishes to be excused! (leaves the impeachment court)

Teka lang! Wait! Mr. Defense Counsel, what’s happening here? Why is he making deadma? Hay nakuuu, ayoko pa naman ng iniignore ako. Pabalikin mo siya. Now na!

Our apologies your honor… susunduin ko na po.

While waiting for the Chief Justice, pag-usapan muna natin si Sharon. Sorry Senator Kiko pero naloloka talaga ako sa tweets ni Mega! Kahit sino na lang pinatulan. My gosh, ang cheap cheap huh! Somebody should tell her to stop this kagagahan on Twitter. Agree?


Hellllooo! Kinakausap kayo ng presiding officer. Agree ba kayong dapat nang tumigil si Shawie sa kakapatol sa mga bashers niya on Twitter?


Winnnnner! I love you naaaa! Wait, asan na si Chief Justice? Guards, tawagan si Francis Tolentino. Harangan ang Edsa at Roxas Boulevard. Baka tumakas siya. Malapit pa naman dito ang NAIA. Mr Defense Counsel…

Your honor, our client has not left. In fact, heto na siya…

Oh, he’s back! Wait, anong drama ito!? Na-déjà vu ako! You had me at wheelchair! Kaloka!

Your honor, the Chief Justice is suffering from hypoglycemia. It can be fatal.

Ker ko! Kapag ‘di siya nagpa-cross exam, his 200-page, one-day long oratorical piece will be stricken off the records and we will decide on this case now na! So don’t hypoglycemia me!

Noted your honor. May we ask if we could continue with the direct examination tomorrow?

Aray ko! Helllloooo! Isang araw na siyang nagti-testify, kailangan pa ba ng direct exam? Hindi na talaga kita kinakaya counsel. Promise.

But your honor…

Fine! Granted! Now leave! Session suspended.

Thank you your honor.

Majority Leader: I move that we adjourn until…

Sandaliiii! Masyado kang atat Tito Sen. I’m not done yet. Naintriga kasi ako sa mga hiwalayan ng mga senador. Sinu-sino pa ba ang mga single sa Senado ngayon?

Senator Angara: Ahm, Madam President, I think it’s better to adjourn first.

Nooo! Tanungin natin ang mga tao sa gallery. Game na ba kayong malaman ang totoong status ng mga senador?

Game na game na!

Winnnnner! I love you naaaa!
“Good lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge.”
~Author Unknown

Note: At press time, Chief Justice Corona is still confined at the ICU of Medical City. Take that St. Luke’s!

Good luck Jessica Sanchez!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


8 02 2012

ON FEBRUARY 7, 2012, Kris Aquino surprised her brother, President Noynoy Aquino with a birthday bash on Times Street. The event was recorded on video; a portion of which was transcribed by the President’s staff. Last night, a mysterious “small lady” handed me a copy of the transcript. Indulge!

AQUINO siblings, their children and close friends, yayas, household help, members of the Presidential Security Group: SURPRISE!!!
KRIS AQUINO: Good evening everyone! Hello Noy! Naloka ka ‘noh? Andito kaming lahat! Aha-ha-ha
PRESIDENT NOY: (Coughs) Ginulat n’yo naman ako. Teka… si Viel ba ‘yong nasa may corner table?
KRIS AQUINO: Nakakainis ka! Que aga-aga, nagpapatawa ka! Of course! ‘Kita mo nang napaka-quiet ng table so malamang si Viel ang andun. Hellooooo! Common sense.
PRESIDENT NOY: Ok, okay. Ano bang meron?

KRIS: Kasi Noy, before you arrived, pinakialaman nina Ate Ballsy at Ate Pinky ang answering machine sa sala. Then,
PINKY: Wait lang, Kris… anong pinaki…
KRIS: Ayyy, denying… sige ka, magagalit si Mom sa ‘yo. Aha-ha-ha!
BALLSY: Para matigil na kayong dalawa, sige, ako na ang nakialam.
KRIS: ‘Yun na! To the rescue ang eldest! Winnnner! Aha-ha-ha
NOY: Puro kayo kalokohan eh. Inaantok na ‘ko. Pagod ako!
KRIS: Wait lang! Listen ka muna. Hellloooo. Pagod ka??? As if! Anyway, we will let you listen to 5 or 7 birthday messages left on your answering machine. Wala lang, Maiba lang. K na?
NOY: Si Josh ba and’yan? Kumain na ba ang mga bata?
KRIS: Ay, ang kulit! Iniiba pa ang usapan. Sinabi nang listen muna eh. Answering machine now, PSP later.
VIEL: Noy, pagbigyan mo na kasi.
KRIS: Ohhhhhh my Gaaaaaaahd! As in oh my God! Nagsalita si Viel! Minsan lang magsalita ‘yan. Sign ‘yan! Kaya pagbigyan mo na ako, Noy! Bilis na! Ready??
NOY: Sige na nga!
KRIS: Yey! I love youuu! Here’s the first message! Ate Pinky… press mo naaaaah!

“Pards, si Ronald Llamas ‘to. May tanong lang ako sa ’yo: Si Jesus Christ ka ba? Kasi, you keep saving me. Salamat pards! On your birthday, isa lang ang masasabi ko: Relax… see a movie.”

KRIS: O, bongga ‘di ba? May pick-up line pa ang lolo mo! Sipsip much? Why wasn’t he fired nga pala Noy?
NOY: Kris, ‘di ba sabi ko kapag trabaho ko na ang pinag-uuusapan, ‘wag ka nang makikialam?
KRIS: Aray ko. I hate youuu! Why? Fault ko bang nag-DVD shopping siya. Care bears! Cheap n’ya huh! Next message Ate Ballsy!

“Mr. President, Niel Tupas here. Wishing you good health and a sound mind. May you have many more birthdays to come. Happy birthday. You’re the best!”

KRIS: In fairnesssssss, hindi halatang nasabon mo siya last weeeeeek. Aha-ha-ha
NOY: Kristina!!!
KRIS: Uki, quiet na lang ako. Fine! Ate Pinky, next message! Press mo naaa!

“Hi Babe Roman, sunduin mo na ako sa TV5. Finished na ang Will Time Big Time. ‘Tapos, kain tayo sa… Oh my, mali, ang na-dial kong number! Kanino ba ‘to? Bakit walang name. Sorry.”

KRIS: Nakakalokah! You gave Shalani pala your new number? I’m sure, sinend mo ‘yon via business card. Akala ko pa naman nag-move on ka na!
NOY: Hindi ako ang nagbigay ng number sa kanya! Hindi na kami nagti-text!
KRIS: Eh bakit nagba-blush ka? Aha-ha-ha Bahala ka sa buhay mo! Ipaliwanag mo ‘yan kina Roman at Mons. Basta ako, care bears! Ate Ballsy, next message!

“Hello, Noyshi? This ish GMA, your predecesshor and former economicsh professhor. I have noted with sadnessh the increashing vacuum of leadership, vishion, energy and execution in managing our economic affairsh. There’s economic ssshtagnation, government lethargy, and nobody-home leadership while presumptuously encouraging gosship about one’s love life in which no one can posshibly be intereshted. In short, it’s the economy, ishtudent.”

KRIS: Noy, may I react?
NOY: ‘Wag mo nang patulan Kristina.
KRIS: Nooo! I will say what I wanted to say. Not to be disrespectful Mrs. Arroyo, but I think my brother has been doing his best for this country. I’m sure my dad – a national hero, and my mom, an icon of democracy are proud of him. Bakit Mrs Arroyo, sino po ba ang nakakulong ngayon? Sino po ba ang patung-patong ang kaso? Sino po ba…
NOY: Kristina, tama na.
KRIS: Wait lang! Sino po ba ang nasa hospital at nagsa-suffer? Sino po ba ang hindi maka-travel? Si Noy po ba? O kayo?
BALLSY: Krissy, answering machine ang kausap mo. Mukha kang tanga!
KRIS: Gosh, oo nga, I forgot. Hay naku! Ito naman kasing si Viel hindi nagsasalita. ‘Yan tuloy, mega-emote ako sa answering machine. Ate Pinky, next message please!

“Mr. President, this is CJ Corona. Diktador ka! Isinusumpa ko, hindi maibabalik sa ‘yong pamilya ang Hacienda Luisita. Tandaan mo ‘yan! Sandali, birthday mo daw? Pakialam ko!”

KRIS: I hate him! I really hate him. Sana ma-convict ka! Hate you much!
NOY: High blood ka na naman.
KRIS: And have you seen his wife Noy? I swear, she looks like a matandang Kiray.
NOY: I know.
KRIS: In fairness, nag-agree ka! You hate him talaga ‘no? Aha-ha-ha Next message please.

“Hi Sir! Grace Lee here. Thanks for keeping me company last night. I totally enjoyed it. By the way, it’s your birthday. Saengil chukha hamnida! What do you want pala on your birthday? I might just give it.”

KRIS: Oh my God. Keri mo ‘yon Ate Pinky? Palay na ang lumalapit ngayon sa manok! Noy, grab it! Tuka lang nang tuka! Aha-ha-ha!
BALLSY: Krissy, your language.
KRIS: I’m sorry. Do you like her Noy?
NOY: Pwede bang next message na!?
KRIS: Ay, madaya! Nooo. Sagutin mo muna. Are you attracted to her?
NOY: Basta.
KRIS: Anong basta? Helllooo! Ano ka 17? Fifty-two ka na. Either you’re into her or not.
NOY: Pag-iisipan ko pa.
KRIS: Aww, that’s a bit gay. Promise.
NOY: Kristina!! Nasa pamamahay kita!
KRIS: Uki… quiet na lang ako. Fine. Again. Next message…

“Hi Sir, si Grace Lee ulit ‘to. ‘Di ba ‘you suggested that I see Kris? You think magugustuhan n’ya ako? Alam mo naman ‘yong kapatid mo, kapag ayaw sa tao, ayaw talaga niya! She’s such a character!”

KRIS: Helllllloooo! Intrigahin ba ako!?! Hay naku Noy, gusto ko na siyang mameet in person. I can’t wait.
PINKY: Krissy, ‘yan ka na naman. The girl seems to be nice.
KRIS: Helllooo. ‘Yan din ang sabi n’yo kay Shalani. O, nasa’n na siya ngayon? Tama ang kutob ko!
NOY: Kristina! Kapag ‘di ka tumahimik d’yan, hindi na ko magya-yaya kina Josh at Bimby sa Bahay Pangarap this weekend!
KRIS: Ayyyy, threatening much! Uki… quiet na lang ako. Fine! Next message Ate Ballsy.

“Mr. President, at your service, Senator Frank Drilon here. I’m wishing you a happy birthday. ‘Yong gift ko… panoorin mo na lang ang impeachment trial. You’ll notice naman eh. Happy birthday.”

KRIS: I love you Tito Frank! He’s sooo cute Noy, do you agree? Para siyang lalaking Juana Change. Aha-ha-ha
NOY: Don’t ever mention the name of that woman again.
KRIS: Ooops, sorry naman. Edwin Lacierda ang peg? Hate mo pa rin si Juana Change?
NOY: Sabi ko, huwag mo nang babanggitin ang pangalang ‘yan!
KRIS: Ay! Mad ang lolo n’yo! Uki… quiet na lang ako. Anyway, kay Tito Frank… you’re doing a great job. Sobrang fair mo sa trial as in! ‘Noy, ‘di ba may dinner kayo ni Tito Frank at ng prosecution team tomorrow night?
NOY: Kristina! That’s supposed to be confidential!
KRIS: Gano’n?!? Uki… quiet na lang ako. Sorry. Last message… Ate Ballsy, press mo naaaa!

“Mr. Prisidint, si Manny Pacquiao po ‘to. Sabi ng mga taga-Ruma sa Chaptir 13, Virs 8: Huwag kayong magkakaroon ng utang kaninuman, maliban sa saguting magmahalan sa isa’t isa, sapagkat ang nagmamahal sa kapwa ay tumutupad sa Kautusan.” Maligayang kaarawan Mistir Prisidint. Make lab not war. To air is human, and it is divine. Think you, think you at maraming salamat sa pagsupurta sa Mani Mini Prizes.”

KRIS: Nakakaloka! Pati ba naman sa answering machine, mag-promote??!! Hindi ko siya kinakaya!
NOY: Hayaan mo na Kris.
KRIS: ‘Tsaka, ‘to air is human.’ Gross! Promise. That’s so gross! And what did he say before that? Make lab??? Anong tingin n’ya sa ‘yo Noy? Scientist! Aha-ha-ha ‘Sabagay, mukha ka namang nerd.
NOY: Kristina!!!
KRIS: Uki, quiet na lang ako. Fine.

BALLSY: Before we have dinner Noy, I just wanted to say na this has been a good week for us. Not just for the family but for the prosecution panel in the impeachmen trial. Pero higit sa lahat…
KRIS: Ako na Ate Ballsy! Moment ko ‘to! Guys, I am single again! Yeyyyyy! Happiness!
KRIS: Promise ko sa inyo Noy, Ate Ballsy, Ate Pinky, Ate Quiet Viel, never ko na kayong bibigyan ng sakit ng ulo when it comes to men. Natuto na talaga ako promise!
BALLSY: Sure na ba ‘yan?
KRIS: Sure na!  Pero aminin n’yo, ang cute talaga ni Coco Martin. Aha-ha-ha ‘Di ba Noy?
NOY: Sort of. Joooke!
KRIS: Sort of? Meh ganun? Kaloka. Teka, last na lang… gusto ko siyempreng pasalamatan ang mga lawyers ko, at si James na rin for being cooperative. At higit sa lahat, thank you, thank you talaga, love na love ko na siya dahil super bilis siyang nakapag-decide sa annulment case na ito: Makati City RTC Judge Cristina Sulit! To Judge Sulit, I love you naaa. (Noy raises hand) Yes, Noy…
NOY: Sulit? What’s Sulit mama?!
KRIS: Ayyy, hindi mo keri! Mukha kang tanga. Aha-ha-aha
NOY: Uki… quiet na lang ako. Fine.

Happy 52nd birthday Mr. President!
“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”
~Jennifer Yane

Quote of the Day
“I hope he makes a good choice if he is choosing at his age. He should be choosing for a potential mate unless he is resigned to be a bachelor forever then I will advise him that it is a life of complete misery. Everyone needs a partner in life, a life partner. Let’s wish him good luck in his search.”
~Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago on President Aquino’s love life

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


21 01 2012

WHEN PRESIDING OFFICER Juan Ponce Enrile adjourned the impeachment trial last Thursday, there was a collective sigh of relief (on Twitter) among journalists and even radio/TV hosts covering the historic event. Finally, rest.

Monitoring the trial on TV as well as the press conferences and radio/TV interviews of both the prosecution and defense teams is actually draining. Maybe it would be less exhausting if the presiding officer was Kris Aquino. Hmmm, let’s see.

Day 1, Moment No. 1:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris):

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate and our beloved countrymen,

Today, we begin to perform a solemn task that the sovereign people, through the Constitution they ordained, have reposed upon us, the Senators of the Republic. We convene as a body of jurors to try and render judgment on the… Gosh this is too serious. Can we just shorten this opening statement? Masyadong mahaba eh, sayang ang oras! May shoot pa ko later tonight. Basta pangako ko, I’ll be fair kahit brother ko ang presidente. Kung ayaw n’yong maniwala, care bears! Aha-ha-ha. ‘Yon na ‘yon! Care Bears! Introduce na lang yourselves. Sige na. Wait, para maka-relate ang viewers, ‘yong prosecution, Team Edward sila. ‘Yong defense, Team Jacob naman, ok? Let’s have Team Edward first. Go!

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Madam Senate President, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Senate, good afternoon. Respectfully appearing for the House of Representatives’ prosecution panel, my name iz uh, Niel Tupas Jr. of Iloilo.

PO Kris: Teka lang. Niel Tupas Jr? So dad mo si Niel Tupas Sr? ‘Yong may graft case sa Ombudsman?

Cong. Niel Tupas Jr.: Yes, Madam Senate President. But the case is pending and my father has never been convicted.

PO Kris: Oo nga. I said case. Wala naman akong sinabing convicted ‘di ba? Kaloka. Defensive much? Aha-ha-ha. Next!

Cong. Raul Daza: For the prosecution, Raul Daza, deputy speaker, first district Northern Samar.

PO Kris: Oh my God, Congressman Raul Daza?! The defense lawyer of Erap during his impeachment trial? Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Until now congressman ka pa rin? Overrrr! Next!

Congw. Marlyn Primicias Agabas: Conditionally, Marlyn Primicias-Aggabas, sixth district, Province of Pangasinan.
Congw. Arlene Bag-ao: Good afternoon Your Honor, respectfully appearing for the prosecution, my name is Arlene Bag-ao from the party-list Akbayan.

PO Kris: Sandali, what’s your name again?
Congw. Bag-ao: Ako po, Your Honor?
PO Kris: No, ‘yong unang girl.
Congw. Agabas: Marlyn Aggabas, Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: I like your terno. Promise. Bagay sa skin tone mo. Rajo Laurel ba ‘yan?
Congw. Agabas: Patis Tesoro, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Sosyaaal! Can afford. O, ikaw naman Congresswoman Bag-ao, sinong tumahi n’yan?
Congw. Bag-ao: SM lang po ‘to Madam Senate President.
PO Kris: Bongga! I like you! Walang pretensions. SM kung SM! Why not ‘di ba? Feeling ko Megamall ‘yan? Kultura?
Congw. Bag-ao: Tama po, Your Honor.
PO Kris: Winnnnner! Anyway, kahit identified ako sa mga taong nagsusulong ng ouster ng Chief Justice, uulitin ko lang, i will try to be fair. Pero, i admit, kapag nakikita ko ang mukha ng mga congressmen, naaalala ko ang dati kong show, ‘yong ‘The Price is Right.’ I don’t know why. Basta. Sandali, session suspended for 5 minutes muna! Retouch lang ako. Bambbi, ‘yong blush-on ko please.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 2:
Presiding Officer Kris Aquino (PO Kris): I am baaaaack. Sorry everyone. Continue na natin. Team Jacob naman. Go!

Retired Justice Serafin Cuevas: Kagalang-galang na Pangulo ng Senado,mahal naming miyembro ng Senado, magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat. This is retired Justice Serafin Cuevas, appearing for the respondent, Renato Corona, your honor. And for that purpose, may we be allowed to state for the record that the Honorable Justice Corona is here pursuant to the invitation of this honorable body.

PO Kris: Ang dami mo nang sinabi. Sandali lang Justice. How old ka na?

Justice Cuevas: For the record your honor, I am turning 84 years old in July.

PO Kris: Gosh, you’re that old na pala. In fairness, hindi halata Justice. Parang 80 ka lang. Aha-ha-ha Seriously, I’m impressed. I hope you don’t mind, sino po ang mas matanda: kayo o ‘yong Revised Penal Code of the Philippines?
Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, I object to this entire line of questioning. It’s leading… leading to the grave. That is totally irrelevant to the case.

PO Kris: Ay ganun? Fine! As you were saying, the respondent is here? Where is he seated?
Justice Cuevas: They’re at the second row of the gallery your honor. Tumayo po kayo Mr Chief Justice.
PO Kris: Oh, he. Is that Mrs. Corona beside him? In fairness huh, pretty s’ya. May taste ka Mr. Chief Justice. At sino ‘yong katabi ni Mrs. Corona? Si Atty. Midas Marquez ba ‘yon?
Justice Cuevas: Yes, your honor.
PO Kris: Mas pretty s’ya. Aha-ha-ha.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: Oh, wait I have a call. One minute suspension.

Session Suspended.

Day 1, Moment No. 3:
Presiding Officer Kris: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen. That’s my son, Bimby. He’s watching the trial right now on TV. So if you would please, can you say “Hi Bimby!” Sige naaaa… matutuwa ‘yon. At the count of three, ok? 1, 2, 3…

Senators: “Hi Bimby!”
PO Kris: Yey! I love youuuu! Ok, proceed na sa opening statements. Team Edward mauna na kayo…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Today we lay down before this honorable impeachment tribunal the product of the collective voice of the people…

PO Kris: Teka lang. Maraming nanonood na ‘di nakapag-aral. Pakilinaw please ang ‘collective.’ Baka isipin nila, may na-collect kayo kaya inimpeach n’yo s’ya. Bad sa image ”yon. Please continue…

Cong. Niel Tupas: Ang ibig sabihin namin your honor, ang kasong ilalatag namin ay mula sa iisang tinig ng taong-bayan. And if I may proceed, before God and country we say this: you, Mr Corona, are an enemy to good government. Like Judas Iscariot, you betrayed your God for a few pieces of gold. In the name of God, go!

PO Kris: Excuse me Mr. Congressman! Unang-una, it’s not gold. Helloooo! It’s silver. Day 1 pa lang mali na ang research mo. Kainis kayo! Pinapahiya n’yo si Noy! And pleeeeeeease, avoid using the name of God. Kasi, hindi rin fair kung ‘di mo kukunin ang side ni God. Actually, God talked to me late last night. Dini-deny n’yang nag-usap kayo. Pa’no ba ‘yan? Careful ka. Perjury ‘yang ginagawa mo. To the impeachment court, ignore that portion about God okay. Mabuti nang safe. Team Jacob, your turn.

Justice Cuevas: Your Honor, Chief Justice Renato Corona is entitled to an acquittal of the charges against him. In addition to this representation your honor, may we also put on record, that he is entering a plea of not guilty to all the charges embodied in the complaint.

PO Kris: Day 1 pa lang ng trial, not guilty na agad? ‘Di ba pwedeng pakilala muna ang defense panel? Yes, what is the concern of the gentleman from Iloilo, Tito Frank, I mean, Senator Frank Drilon…

Senator Drilon: Just a point of order Kris, I mean, Madam Senate President. Anong ‘not guilty’ ang pinagsasasabi ng defense? That manifestation is premature! Defense panel is only supposed to enter their appearance.

PO Kris: ‘Yon nga ang sabi ko. Ayyyyy, not listening. Kainis. Masyado kang obvious Tito Frank. Premature assistance to the prosecution aha-ha-ha. Sorry. If you’re watching Noy, sorry.

(Phone rings)
PO Kris: ‘Sensya na, sagutin ko lang. 10 seconds…

PO Kris: Oh? Really? Shocks, matutuwa sila. Ok,ok.. sige. Thanks Boy. Bye.

PO Kris: Ladies and gentlemen of the impeachment court, I have good news. We are trending worldwiiiiiide! Yey! In fairness! Tinalo pa raw natin ang Golden Globe Awards. Winnnnner! Dahil d’yan, I’ll let you rest muna. Tomorrow na lang ulit, 2PM okay? Trial adjourned.
“Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.”
~Jeremy Bentham

Sa Ibang Balita
Good News: Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra “bagay” daw sa ating Pangulo
Bad News: Ayon kay Kris Aquino

Good News: Ayon sa SWS, bilang ng mga Pilipinong “mahirap” ang tingin sa sarili, bumaba.
Bad News: Bilang ng mga Pilipinong ‘in denial,’ tumaas.

Good News: SWS: Bilang ng “mahihirap” na Pinoy bumaba
Bad News: SWS survey sa Kongreso isinagawa

Briefly Noted: Wow Mali
Justice Secretary De Lima’s letter to the Ombudsman regarding the Magtanggol Gatdula et al alleged kidnapping and extortion case. (Photo:

Attention: President Aquino and Atty. Edwin Lacierda
10 of the Most Irritating Phrases in the English Language

Have a happy long weekend! Stay safe.

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


24 12 2011

INSPIRED BY an article on College Humor’s website, here are the pick-up lines of famous Filipino men:

Apolinario Mabini: Except for my legs, lahat sa akin, tumatayo.

Gen. Gregorio Del Pilar: Sabi nila, mahusay raw akong mangabayo.

Andres Bonifacio: Hindi lang cedula ang kaya kong punitin.

Jose Rizal: Okay lang na ma-exile… basta sa puso mo.

Juan Luna: Kapag kasama kita, mas nagiging makulay ang mundo ko.

Amado V. Hernandez: Gusto mong makita ang aking ibong mandaragit?

Mar Roxas: Magaling akong pumadyak.

Ferdinand Marcos: Promise, hindi lang kamay na bakal ko ang matigas sa akin.

Fidel V. Ramos: Hmmm, maliban sa bibig ko, saan ko pa kaya pwedeng ipasok ang tabakong ‘to?

Manny Pacquiao: Tara, let’s go to the world and multiply.

Jose Ma. Sison: Blusa! Palda! Panty! Ibagsak!

Efren “Bata” Reyes: Puwede ko bang ikiskis ‘tong tako ko sa tisa mo?

Manny Villar: Basta ako, kaya ko ang double insertion!

Bro. Mike Velarde: Dila ko pa lang, matigas na.

Juan Ponce Enrile: Gusto mong maging happy?

Rene Mariano, psychic: May future tayong dalawa.

Noynoy Aquino: Alam mo, matagal-tagal ko na ring hindi napapaputok ‘tong baril ko.

Gomburza: Familiar ka sa phrase na “thrice the fun?”

Christmas Surveys
A Social Weather Stations Survey showed that 23 percent of Filipinos prefer to receive money as gift on Christmas. Those Filipinos were later identified as “congressmen.”

Another survey revealed that only 3 in 5 Filipinos would be happy this Christmas. To illustrate, think of the Aquino family. There’s Ballsy, Pinky, and Viel. That’s three. And then there’s, Noy and Kris.

Happy Holidays! Have a safe Christmas break everyone!

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15 06 2011

KRIS AQUINO’s talk show has taped its pilot episode with Sen. Chiz Escudero as first guest. An anonymous source sent The Professional Heckler a ‘transcript’ of that exclusive interview. Enjoy!

VO: Mga Kapamilya, please welcome your host, the Queen of Talk and the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: I am baaaaack! Good morning mga Kapamilya! At good morning din sa mga Kapuso at Kapatid na nakatutok ngayon! Mag-aminan na tayo ohkay?! Kapag pilot episode, nakatutok kayo, sure ako! At kapag mababa ang rating ko, happy kayo ‘di ba? Aminiiiin! Hay naku, I’ve matured. Wala nang effect sa ‘kin ang ratings-ratings na ‘yan. Mas marami pa rin akong endorsements kesa sa iba d’yan! Kurek?!?

Audience: Kureeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! You’re so alive audience. Grabeee! Oh wait, that girl sa likod ng guy na naka-blue, can you stand up please iha. Direk, puwedeng ipakita natin? There! I love your blouse, promise! What’s your name?

Girl: Hope Mayen Digby po.

Krissy: Aray ko! Sige na nga, take your seat na. Naloka ako do’n. Buti na lang, hindi Oli ang middle name mo! Otherwise, baka nag-spontaneous combustion na ako! Anyway, kung matatandaan n’yo, we had a mock episode almost a month ago with Cong. Manny Pacquiao as guest. Hindi po eere ‘yon. Today though, mapapanood ng lahat ng Kapamilya sa ABS-CBN at sa TFC ang aking exclusive interview sa una nating guest. Take note mga Kapamilya! Never pa siyang nag-grant ng one-on-one, sit-down interview kahit kanino. Sa ‘kin lang. Gano’n tayo kalakas sa kanya! Tahhhma??

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha Buweno, huwag na nating patagalin pa! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… my very special guest this morning, Senator Francis Joseph ‘Chiz’ Escudero!

SFX: Canned applause

Chizzy: Hi Kris! Good morning po sa inyong lahat! Magandang umaga sa mga nanonood.

Music: Faithfully by Journey [I’m forever yours, faithfully]

Krissy: Welcome to the show Chiz! Direeeek, ano ba!? ‘Faithfully’ talaga ang song? Kaloka!
Chizzy: Bakit Kris? Faithful naman ako ah.
[Sigawan ang kinikilig na audience.]
Krissy: Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Kakastart pa lang ng show, pinagba-blush n’yo na ako. Aha-ha-ha!

Music: I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner

Krissy: Stop! Stop it Direk! Ano baaa! Hindi pa nullified ang kasal ko, maawa naman kayo! Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: Okay lang sa ‘kin ‘yon Kris!
[Sigawan ulit ang audience na mas lalong kinilig.]

Krissy: Thank you for coming Chiz. Alam n’yo po mga Kapamilya, it took our staff almost two months bago nakumbinsing mag-guest si Senator. So thankful ako sa kanya. Thank you talaga for trusting my show.
Chizzy: Sa akin ang karangalan Kris. Sino ba naman ako para tumanggi sa Queen of Talk?
Krissy: Owwwws? Talaga? Eh ba’t di ka makatingin nang diretso sa akin!? Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: ‘Di naman sa gano’n. Katulad nga ng sabi mo, ‘di pa nadedeklarang null ang kasal mo. Baka may magalit!
Krissy: Naku wala! Aha-ha-ha! I assure you Chiz, walang magagalit! Tama ba ako audience?

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Tara, start na tayo!
Chizzy: Seryosong interview ba ‘to?
Krissy: Ayy no! Ayaw namin ng serious! Baka maglipat ang viewers so dapat happy, lively, yehey ang kwentuhan nating dalawa! Heto na ang first question: Senator… gumagamit ka ba ng condom?
Chizzy: This is embarrassing Kris.
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha. Nagbibiro lang ako Chiz! Gosh! Namumula ka na! I wonder what else in you is red. Ay ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko? Ano ka ba Chiz! Of course I wouldn’t ask that on TV. Siguro, later na lang. Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: Next!
Krissy: Ikaw daw ang nag-recommend sa kapatid ko na ilagay si Mar Roxas sa DoTC. True ba ‘to?
Chizzy: Grabe naman. Hindi naman ako gano’n ka-powerful Kris. They’re giving me too much credit. Ang totoo, it’s a collective effort of the Group.
Krizzy: And when you say ‘group,’ you mean Samar Group, right?
Chizzy: Yup! Of which you are a member!
Krissy: What did you just say? Gosh! Bawiin mo ‘yan Chiz! Ayokong madamay sa gulo n’yo ng Balay noh! Nananahimik ako!
Chizzy: Basta ang alam ko… ang ibinoto mong VP may B.
Krissy: You’re so kainizzzz! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Korina. I hate you na talaga. Kung ‘di lang ako single ngayon, ihi-hate na kita foreverrrr, promise! Am I correct, audience?

Audience: Kureeeeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Maiba ako Chiz, when you and the President are together, nag-uusap ba kayo tungkol sa babae?
Chizzy: More of kotse actually. When it comes to women kasi, I think mas kabisado ng Balay Group ang isyu. ‘Kita mo naman no’ng manood siya ng Hotdog concert with Bunny Calica, napapaligiran siya ng allies ni Mar. Kaya kapag pumalya ang lovelife niya, alam mo na kung sinong dapat sisihin.

Krissy: Speaking of Mar, kumusta na kayo ni Ate Koring? Are you guys on speaking terms na?
Chizzy: Pass!
Krissy: Salamat sa paglilinaw! At least, maliwanag na ngayon ang lahat.

Krissy: Now, iwan na muna natin ang nakakalokang mundo ng pulitika. Punta na tayo sa isyung pinakahihintay ng mga viewers.
Chizzy: RH Bill, right?
Krissy: Wrong! Sorry ka! Mas juicy na topic ‘to.
Chizzy: Ako?
Krissy: Why? Juicy ka ba?
Chizzy: It’s for you to find out!
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha! Naughty ka na ngayon! Hindi ka naman dating ganyan Chiz! Na-cha-challenge tuloy ako! Promise!
Chizzy: So anong isyu nga ‘yon?
Krissy: Hay naku! Maang-maangan School of Edong Angara acting ka. Kahit kalat na kalat na, nagdi-deny pa. How’s your lovelife ba?
Chizzy: ‘Yon lang ba? Wala namang nagbago Kris. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, umaapaw pa rin ang aking pagmamahal sa kambal ko.
Krissy: Sa kambal lang? Eh pa’no ‘yong nanay ng kambal?
Chizzy: Let’s leave it at that.
Krissy: Mga Kapamilya, malinaw na malinaw po ang pahayag ni Senator Chiz. First and exclusive dito sa show ko: hiwalay na silang mag-asawa! I’m sure, ipi-pick up ito ng News.
Chizzy: Whaaaaat? Wala akong sinabing ganyan Kris! Bawiin mo ‘yan!
Krissy: Ay, wala ba? Pasensya na po mga Kapamilya. Nagkamali ako ng dinig. Soooooorry. Ohhhh, you’re not smiling na. Hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka Chiz. I’m very sorry talaga. Teka nga… Mga kapamilya, bagay ba kaming dalawa ni Senator?

Audience: Bagaaaaay!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! There! Ngumingiti na ulit si Senator. Palakpakan naman natin si Chiz!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: Thank you! Right now, we’ll answer a question from a member of the audience.
[Sabay-sabay na nagtaas ng kamay ang audience]

Krissy: You! Yes, you, the tall guy in white polo shirt. What’s your name?
Guy: Alvin po.
Krissy: Alvin what?
Guy: Conwi po.
Krissy: In fairness Alvin, cute ka sana. Hindi ko lang like ang last name mo! Anyway, what’s your question for Senator Chiz?
Guy: Ahm, senator, hypothetical lang po. Kung single ka at single din si Ma’am Kris, liligawan mo ba siya?
[Tilian ang audience. Kinikilig ang mga potah.]
Chizzy: ————-
Krissy: Shoccccccks! Speechless si Senator! Kaloka!
Chizzy: Hindi Kris. Kasi…
Krissy: My God, careful ka! Nakatutok ang buong Pilipinas sa ‘tin.
Chizzy: Alam n’yo mga kaibigan, hindi naman lingid sa inyong kaalaman, medyo close na rin ako sa Presidente. Ayaw kong ilagay sa…
Krissy: Hindi!!!! Yes or No lang! Liligawan mo raw ba ako kung pareho tayong available? Bilis na, naghihintay sila.
Chizzy: Bakit naman hindi, ‘di ba?
[Sigawan at palakpakan ang audience. Hinimatay ang floor director.]
Krissy: Naloloka ako sa inyo! Mas kinikilig pa kayo kesa sa aming dalawa! Hay naku! Move on na tayo! Baka magamit pa ‘yan ni Atty. Lorna Kapunan at ni James against me. Baka sabihin, lumalandi ako. Excuuuuse me! Guys, malandi ba ako?

Audience: Hindiii!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!

Chizzy: Matagal pa ba ‘to?
Krissy: Five minutes na lang. Do you play basketball?
Chizzy: Only if you’d watch me.
Krissy: Aray ko! Konting-konti na lang, baka malimutan kong kasal pa ako. Lord, give me strength! Aha-ha-ha! Wait! Are you in favor of divorce?
Chizzy: Yes!
Krissy: Gosh, ang bilis ng sagot! Parang may pinaghuhugutan! Aha-ha-ha Moving on… we have this segment called Lightning Round. Simply answer the questions. No need to explain. Game?
Chizzy: Game na!

Krissy: Samar or Balay?
Chizzy: Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan?

Krissy: Lights On or Lights Off?
Chizzy: Saan ka ba mas komportable?
Krissy: Lights off. Ayyyy bakit ko raw sinagot!?? Kaloka.

Krissy: Chubby or Skinny?
Chizzy: Skinny.
Krissy: Eh bakit parang nandidiri ka sa akin. Hay naku! Abangan mo ang pagpayat ko!

Krissy: Sunny side up or Scrambled Eggs?
Chizzy: Hard-boiled.
Krissy: Gosh, favorite ko din ‘yan, promise! Paano mo nalaman?!

Krissy: “Hurt me with the truth” or “Comfort me with a lie?”
Chizzy: Naranasan ko na ‘yong una eh. Sobrang sakit pala. So, try ko na lang ‘yong ‘lie.’
Krissy: Ay, ako hindi! ‘Di bale nang masaktan basta’t alam ko ang katotohanan!

Krissy: Boxers or Briefs?
Chizzy: Alamin mo na lang! Joooke!
Krissy: Kainis ka! Huwag mo ‘kong binibiro nang ganyan! Madali pa naman akong maniwala!

Krissy: In bed: would you prefer someone who’s wild or someone who’s mild?
Chizzy: Wild!!!
Krissy: Kainis ka na naman! Bakit laging tugma ang sagot mo. Wild ako eh. Goshhh!

Krissy: Anyway, maraming, maraming salamat sa pagdating mo ngayong umaga Chiz! I had so much fun, promise! Oh, wait, what’s your shoe size?
Chizzy: Eleven and a half.
Krissy: Ay, puwede na rin. At least, merong “and a half.” Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: It’s a pleasure to be here Kris. Nag-enjoy rin ako.
Krissy: Any message sa mga viewers?
Chizzy: Matagal-tagal pa naman ang 2016 pero… sige na nga… sayang ang pagkakataon. Sa mga kapwa Pilipinong nanonood, sakali man at palarin po akong bigyan ng chance ng Samar Group na maging running mate ni Vice President Binay, ‘yon po ay magiging isang malaking karangalan para sa ‘kin. Unlike last year na nagdalawang-isip po ako, sa 2016… sure na sure na po. Mas hinog na ako kumbaga.
Krissy: Wait! Kung tatakbo kang vice president sa 2016, may plano ka bang humanap ng future Second Lady?
Chizzy: Bakit naman ako maghahanap pa kung ‘yong para sa akin ay nasa tabi-tabi lang pala?
[Sigawan ang audience. Pagod na sila sa kakasigaw. Gutom na.]
Krissy: Gosshhh! Parang gusto kong mag-blush! Sorry mga Kapamilya, hindi ko lang mapigilan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, promise!
Chizzy: Ikaw Kris, kung papipiliin ka, First Lady ng Makati o Second Lady ng Republika, anong pipiliin mo?
Krissy: Ay!! Ayokong sagutin ‘yan! Junjun Binay is probably watching right now. Ayokong makasakit ng damdamin. Aha-ha-ha Basta! Abangan na lang natin ang mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw! Willing ba kayong maghintay mga Kapamilya?

Audience: Yessssss!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!
End of Interview

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Kris/Chiz photo grabbed from @itsmekrisaquino]


20 05 2011

Pacman Interpellates
World boxing champion and anti-RH Bill solon Manny Pacquiao slugged it out with veteran lawmaker Edcel Lagman in Congress last Wednesday night. It was a mismatch. The welterweight was exposed as a lightweight.

Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman thus snapped Manny Pacquiao’s 14-bout winning streak.

Did you see the Pacquiao-Lagman bout last Wednesday? Even if Pacman used steroids, he would have still lost that one.

Before he interpellated Albay Rep. Edcel Lagman, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao told the media he spent the whole night reading and studying the RH Bill. It didn’t show.

After 12 rounds of Q&A, Lagman scored well in research; Pacquiao, scored fairly in reading.

Although the main event was lackluster, the undercard was thrilling and entertaining. Mommy Dionisia Pacquiao posted her first career win when Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago decided to throw in the towel.

Defending her son against Senator Santiago’s advice that he should “stay out of the RH Bill debate,” a fuming Mommy Dionisia said, “Ang pakialaman nila ‘yong malaswa. Gusto ko ang pakialaman nila ‘yong malaswaaaaaaa!” To which Willie Revillame said, “O? Ano na namang ginawa ko?”

Quoting God, Cong. Manny Pacquiao said everyone must “go out to the world and multiply.” His statement was seconded by the CBCP, anti-RH Bill groups, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The kid is now a fourth grader at the International Cyborg Institute.

Former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child outside of his marriage. The other son was identified as Jose Victor or JV.

Arnold Schwarzenegger kept the child secret for 10 years. Maria Shriver discovered it with the help of US Navy SEALs.

Bilibid Or Not
Bureau of Corrections director Ernesto Diokno is in hot water these days. This, after ABS-CBN cameras caught convicted killer and former Batangas governor Antonio Leviste outside the New Bilibid Prisons, specifically, in Makati and Binondo – at least four times. Rumors say Diokno is on his way out. In fact, his post has been offered to Anthony Taberna.

According to records, former Batangas governor Antonio Leviste is a ‘living out’ inmate – meaning, he is free to move around the New Bilibid Prisons (NBP). The records didn’t explain though how Binondo and Makati City became part of the NBP.

Noy’s New Date
President Aquino invited a certain Bunny Calica to a date last Monday. Reports say Bunny is 27 years old, very simple, intelligent, and the type of person who wouldn’t say no to the elderly.

The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Bunny Calica had dinner with Baby James and Joshua Aquino at the Bahay Pangarap in Malacañang recently. The information came from the fourth member of President Aquino’s Communications Group, Kris Aquino.

According to Kris, while having dinner, Baby James or Bimby asked Bunny, “Are you my tito’s girlfriend?” It was the President who answered, “No. But I hope so.” And then there was an awkward moment when Bimby said, “Hope? My daddy too.”

Top 5 Things Bunny Calica Shouldn’t Say if Baby James Asked, “Are you my tito’s girlfriend?”

No. 5: “Anak ka nga ng ina mo!”

No. 4: “You wish!”

No. 3: “Puwede na rin. End of the world na naman bukas eh.”

No. 2: “Actually, I’m your tito’s boyfriend. Mahaba lang ang buhok ko.”

And the No. 1 thing Bunny Calica shouldn’t say if Baby James asked, “Are you my tito’s girlfriend?”

“No Tito Boy. We’re just friends.”
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
~Charles Schultz

Quote of the Weak
“As you know I am still single. If I ever get a chance to go out on a date, it seems that I have invited the entire Filipino people to join me on that date. And I wonder who gave them the right.”
~ President Noynoy Aquino

– Eh ‘di magsumbong ka sa lolo mong panot!
You don’t want attention? STAY HOME! Problema ba ‘yon?

Have a great weekend!

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever


18 05 2011

“HELLO THERE! I’m baaaaack! Gosh ‘di na ‘ko sanay! More than one year din kasi akong natengga ‘di ba? Remember, I left ‘The Buzz’ before the 2010 elections. Feeling ko tuloy, talunang Liberal Party candidate ako. Oooops, how mean of me to say that! Ayaw ni Ate Koring ng ganyan! Aha-ha-ha! Anyway, na-miss ko ‘to! Shobra! Kasi naman, ‘yong ‘The Price Is Right,’ parang wala lang ‘di ba? Hindi pa nag-rate. Aha-ha-ha. At least, honest ako! Promise, hindi talaga siya nag-rate!

Anyway, babalik na po ang Today With Kris soon! It will be called “KrisTV.” In fairness to me huh, ‘yong mga morning talk shows sa kabila, nawala nang lahat pero ako pabalik pa lang. Winner ‘di ba? Aha-ha-ha!

Before I introduce my special guest sa mock episode na ito ng ‘Today With Kris,’ gusto ko lang kumpirmahin sa mga followers ko sa Twitter… yup, my brother is dating again. And yes, I know the girl! Hay naku! The Inquirer kasi was so kulit so I was compelled to make kwento. The girl is Bunny Calica. Gosh, sorry Noy. Here I go again. ‘Di bale, promise last na daldal ko na ‘to. Basta, they’re dating and my sons Bimby and Josh have met her na in Malacañang when I made iwan the kids to Noy. She’s so pretty in fairness. I love her na – as of press time! Aha-ha-ha. But you know what? Magaling siya. Magaling siyang yaya. Aha-ha-ha I’m just kidding.  Love, love, love! Baka mamisinterpret na naman ako. Alam mo na! ‘Yon lang muna. Okay? Enough na! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Noy. Move on na tayo mga Kapamilya!

Just like everyone else, super excited po ako sa una nating guest! Naloloka ako sa dami ng issues sa kanya! Did you hear what he said the other day? “Go to the world and multiply!” Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko siya kinaya! Go to the world talaga??? Where in the world? Aha-ha-ha! I’m sure excited na kayong lahat na makita siya! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… the 2-timing, 8-time world champion, Sarangani Representative Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao!”

Manny Pacquiao (MP): Maraming salamat Kris! Salamat po sa inyong lahat. Maraming maraming salamat. Think you. Think you.
Kris Aquino: Grabehhh, opening line mo pa lang, napaisip talaga ako! Think ako nang think! Aha-ha-ha! Kaloka ka! Anyway, mabuti naman at pinayagan ka ng kabila na mag-guest dito sa ABS-CBN Congressman.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Di naman nila alam. Kaya pag napanood nila itu, tiyak kasu ang aabutin mu! Hihihi Juks lang.
Kris: In fairness, hindi ka amusing.
MP: Uki lang! ‘Di ko naman alam kung ano ‘yong amusing. Hihihi Juks lang!

Kris: Hay naku Congressman, puro ka biro. Let’s go straight na nga lang sa mga issues! RH Bill. Bakit ayaw mo sa RH Bill?
MP: Siyimpri.
Kris: What?
MP: Ayaw ni Miyor Atienza eh. So ayaw ku rin.

Kris: Nabanggit mo sa TV interviews na labag sa kautusan ng Diyos ang RH Bill??? Is that so?
MP: Oo, is that so.
Kris: May sinabi bang gano’n si Lord?
MP: Uu naman. Kasi, sabi ng Mahal na Panginuun sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Bakit? Sinabi ba ng Panginuun na “Go to the world and RH Bill?” Wala naman ‘di ba?
Kris: May point ka! Aha-ha-ha
MP: Is that so? Hihihi

Kris: Sa isang interview noon kay Jinkee, inamin niyang gumamit siya ng pills para ‘di mabuntis. Si Jinkee ba, pro- o anti-RH Bill?
MP: Anti-RH si Jinkee.
Kris: Ano ba ‘yong RH? Rhanillo? Rhufamae? Rhamina? Aha-ha-ha! Joke lang!
MP: You’re not a muse sing! ‘Di ba nakatatlong lalaki ka rin naman?
Kris: Excuuuuuuuse me! Isa lang ang pinakasalan ko.
MP: Eh panu, kasal pa sina Feelip at Joey noong maging boylits mu. Hihihi

Kris: You know what? Nakakainis ka! Balik na nga lang tayo sa isyu. Have you ever used a condom?
MP: Ay hindi. Ayuku ng cundum. Walang fillings.
Kris: Are you sure? Never ka pang gumamit ng condom kahit sa ibang babae?
MP: Sekkkkrit, walang clue. Hihihi

Kris: What do you think of sex education?
MP: No. I don’t think of six education.
Kris: Ohhhh-kay.

Kris: Nag-threaten ang ilang anti-RH Bill groups na ‘di sila magbabayad ng tax once the RH Bill is approved. Susuportahan mo ba ang panawagan nila?
MP: Hindi! Madaya naman ‘yon. Ang laki-laki ng tax na ibinibigay ko ‘tapos sila hindi magbabayad? Wala sa Bible ‘yon!

Kris: Sabi ni Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago, stick to boxing and do not meddle with the RH Bill issue. Any reaction?
MP: Niririspito natin ang mahal na sinadura piro sana, maintindihan n’ya na wala naman ako sa meddle. Nasa tabi nga lang ako at nakikinig. Mali man siya.
Kris: Hinahamon ka rin niya ng suntukan.
MP: Uki lang. ‘Wag lang Inglisan. Baka ma-knock out tayo dun. Hihihi

Kris: Iwan na natin ang RH Bill dahil medyo mabigat na usapin ‘yan. Let’s talk about Jinkee. Ibang-iba na raw ang hitsura niya? Ano bang secret beauty regimen niya?
MP: Ano ba ‘yong regimen? Puwidi, mag-Tagalog na lang tayo Kris kasi nasa Pilipinas naman tayo?
Kris: Aray ko! Kasi naman ‘yung mga writers ng show, English ang nasa cue card! Na-lektyuran tuloy ako! Aha-ha-ha Ganito na lang: ano ang sikreto ng kagandahan ni Jinkee?
MP: Siyimpre babai.
Kris: Babae? What do you mean?
MP: Ganitu kasi ‘yan Kris. Kapag may tsismis na may babai aku, wala ‘yang ginawa kundi mag-Bilo. Bilo siya nang Bilo. Hanggang nabago na ang mukha niya at kamukha na nga siya ni Kristine Hirmusa. Kaya ‘yun tinigil ku na ang pambababai ku. Mautak din ang asawa ku ‘di ba?

Kris: Alam ng lahat Manny na noong nakaraang eleksyon, magkaiba tayo ng sinuportahan sa pagka-presidente. Inaway pa nga kita sa Twitter ‘di ba? Gosh, nagba-blush ka!
MP: Eh kasi, passed is passed. ‘Wag na nating ungkatin ‘yon.
Kris: Hindeee kasi gusto ko lang itanong sa ‘yo: nagsisisi ka ba sa pagsuporta mo sa talunang kandidato?
MP: Alam mo Kris, wala man akung pinagsisihan sa mga ginawa ku. Piro kung tatanungin mu aku kung tama ba ang nanalung kandidatu… taumbayan na lang ang huhusga. Piro sa akin, ang importante magkaisa tayu, magtulungan tayo para mawala ang kahirapan.
Kris: May tama ka! If you would allow me please Congressman, I’d like to take this opportunity para magpahatid ng mensahe sa mga naninira kay Noy dahil mababa daw ang ratings niya. Well… inggit lang kayo dahil never n’yong naabot ang 80 plus percent na approval and trust rating ng kapatid ko. ‘Yon lang! And pleaaaaaaaase! Alisin ang inggit sa katawan, okay?

Kris: Before we end, we’ll have a game. Siyempre, isa lang naman ang paboritong laro ng bayan ‘di ba? I’m sorry Tita Cory Vidanes pero I must say this. Hangga’t may ‘Pinoy Henyo’ ang ‘Eat Bulaga,’ hindi ito matatalo ng ‘Happy Yipee Yahoo…’ or something like that. Sorry talaga! Mariel, Pokey, friends ko kayo pero tanggapin natin, ‘Eat Bulaga’ is ‘Eat Bulaga!’
MP: And Anna Dezon is Anna Dezon!
Kris: Nakakaloka ka Congressman! Aha-ha-ha Kilala mo rin si Anna Dizon?
MP: Hindi. Piro lagi kung naririnig ‘yang linyang ‘yan. Tika, anu bang game?
Kris: Ayyyyy! Not listening. We’ll do Pinoy Henyo nga. Huhulaan mo ang isang word or phrase by asking Yes, No, or Puwede questions. Audience and everyone at home, the Henyo Word is (word appears on television screen): “Condom.” Kayo lang ang nakakaalam. Si Pacman, hindi. So Manny… we have 2 minutes. Go!

Manny: Tao ba ‘to?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Bagay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Makulay?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Rainbow?
Kris: Hindeeee!

Manny: Kinakain?
Kris: Ahmmm… ‘di ko pa na-try. Gosh! Gusto kong mag-blush!

Manny: Anu ba talaga? Ang gulu mu! Kinakain ba?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Isinusuot?
Kris: Kurek!

Manny: Sa taas?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Sa gitna?
Kris: Oo!

Manny: Brief!???
Kris: Puwede!

Manny: Puwiding brief? Ahm.. boxer?
Kris: Hindi!

Manny: Boxers?
Kris: Sabi nang hindi!

Manny: Suot ko ngayon?
Kris: Hindi ko alam! Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Malaki ba ‘to?
Kris: Depende!

Manny: Kung isusuot ko ba, kakasya ang large sa akin?
Kris: Gosh! Naloloka na ako! Hindi ko sure! Aha-ha-ha!

Manny: Matigas?
Kris: I swear, hindi ko kinakaya ‘to! Naalala kong bigla si James. Aha-ha-ha

Manny: Isinusuot mo ba ‘to kay James?
Kris: Touch lang. Pero suot? Noooooo!

Manny: Masarap ba ‘yon?
Kris: Sometimes.

Manny: Sometimes when you touch? Hihihi Nako, ang hirap naman.
Kris: Sige na! Guess ka pa! 10 seconds to go.

Manny: Ayoko na! Pastilan!
Kris: Ay.. kainizzz. Siret ka na?
Manny: Ano bang sagot? Baka Inglis ‘yan huh.
Kris: You almost got it eh! Sayang. It’s a condom. Sorry. You won nothing. Awwhhhhh.
Manny: Ngik! Kaya pala ‘di ku alam eh. Cundum pala. Wala naman sa Bible ‘yan. Sus!

Manny: Puwidi na lang bumati?
Kris: Sure!
Manny: Unang-una sa lahat maraming salamat sa Panginuun, ‘tapos sa mga fans at sa mga kababayan nating walang sawang sumupurta sa akin. Kung wala kayo, wala si Manny Pacquiao kaya think you. Salamat din sa supurta nina Atty. Felipe Gozon, Mr. Jimmy Duavit…
Kris: Oh my God! I think we need to pause for a break…
Manny: Kunti na lang. ‘Wag n’yu pung kalimutan Shumi Damani tuwing Linggo pagkatapos ng…
Kris: I’m so dead. Enough na talaga!
Manny: Pagkatapos ng Kap’s Amazing Stories! ‘Tapos nasa ‘Party Pilipinas’ ako sa Linggo. Maraming salamat! Maraming maraming salamat.
Kris: I’m sorry Ma’am Charo! Mga Kapamilya… ganyan po talaga kapag live show. You’ll never know kung anong mangyayari! Despite that, any final message Congressman?

Manny: Katulad nga pu ng sabi sa Bible, “Go to the world and multiply.” Huwag po nating suwayin ang utus ng Panginoon. Hindi po sinabi ng Diyos na ikuntrul ang anak sa dalawa. Wala po ‘yun sa Bible. Kaya Kris, sundan mo na sina Bimby at Jushua!
Kris: Idinamay pa talaga ako? Iba ka talaga Manny! Ayoko nang manganak ‘no! Expensive at masakit magpa-lipo!
Manny: Lipo? Naku masama talaga ‘yan.
Kris: Why? Naranasan mo nang magpa-lipo?
Manny: Hindi! Nasa Bible ba ‘yan!

-End of Interview-
“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”
~Mark Twain, Notebooks, 1935

You Have Spoken
Ano ang stand mo sa nakabinbing RH Bill sa Kongreso?
Ipasa! 81.26%
– Ibasura! 10.3%
– Pag-aaralan ko muna. 8.43%

Newsbreak: PNoy’s new date?

Philippine Daily Inquirer: MVP in the NBA

The New York Times: In Philippine Newsrooms, the Women Rule

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Stay away from trouble. Be safe!


19 04 2011

Top 10 Text Messages Received by Former President Joseph Estrada on His 74th Birthday

No. 10: “Pare, ‘musta? ‘Tagal na nating ‘di nagkikita ah. Painom ka naman! Walang beer dito eh! Please reply. FPJ”

No. 9: “Take care Daddy! The kids and I are so proud of you. And I’m thankful na ikaw ang ama ng aking mga anak. Aminin mo, sila lang ang mukhang artistahin among your children. Siyempre naman, mana yata sa ina. Joooke! Love you Dad. See you later.  Mmmwah, Laarni”

No. 8: “Ang kapal ng mukha n’ya! Burahin mo ang previous message! Burahin mo ‘yan kung ayaw mong mag-away na naman tayo! Hanggang ngayon ba naman nakikipagkita ka pa rin sa babaeng ‘yan? ‘Wag mo ‘kong galitin. –- Mad na, Doctora Loi”

No. 7: “Ayyy! Bakit may insecure na nag-txt? Bitterness? Hay naku Papa, mabuti na lang naka-move on na ako. Hindi katulad ni texter No. 8. Ang mahalaga, we’re friends at ang unico ijo natin ang paborito mong anak na lalaki. On behalf of JV, stay healthy Joseph. Thanks for everything. Happy birthday! –- Gumigiya pa rin after all these years, Guia.”

No. 6: “Mahal na Pangulo, binabati kita sa iyong kaarawan. Maraming salamat sa suporta mo. Five years na lang, akin na ang palasyo. Bahagi ka ng nakatakdang tagumpay na ‘to. Sure na! –- Kitakits sa 2016, Jojo Binay”

No. 5: “(Forwarded message) Hi babe. Pupuntahan kita sa condo mamaya. Maligo ka huh. At ‘yong Viagra, paki-ready. Hinihintay ko lang na makaalis ng bahay ‘tong matanda kong asawa para makatakas ako. I love you Cheesecake! –> AH GANUN!? MATANDA PALA HUH! NA-WRONG SEND KA G*GO! SINO SI CHEESECAKE? SINOOO!?!! TXT BACK!” –- Doctora Loi”

No. 4: “Mr. President, puwede ba akong dumaan sa inyo mamaya? Ipinagluto kasi kita ng chicken-pork adobo, embotido, afritada at Pinoy spaghetti. At dahil Holy Week naman ngayon, baka puwedeng kalimutan na natin ang nakaraan. Sa totoo lang, na-miss ko kayo. Txt me na lang kung wala d’yan si Jinggoy para walang problema. –- Ping”

No. 3.1: “’Buti ka pa 74 na; samantalang ako, inabot lang ng 67. ‘Tapos lately, minamalas pa yata sa gobyernong ‘to. Ingat na lang p’re. See you soon! –- Naghihintay ng hustisya, Bubby Dacer”

No. 3: “last txt ko na 2 ser. ala na kong panload eh. bka lang kc sabihin nyo nkalimut n q. d pa po. sana klala nyo p q. hapi bday na lang ser. –- Hindi matahimik, Emmanuel Corbito “

No. 2: “Hello there!!! Gosh, it’s your birthday pala Mr. Former President! Kung ‘di pa sinabi sa akin ni Mareng Precy, I won’t remember, promise! Unang-una, gushto kong magpasalamat sa ‘yo for running in the 2010 elections. Kung ‘di ka siguro tumakbo, baka orange ang kulay ngayon ng gobyerno, hindi yellow. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Pangalawa, ahmmm… Ay! Wala na palang pangalawa. Nakakalokah! Wala akong maisip. Aha-ha-ha! Happy happy berrrrthhhhday na lang! May you have many many more mistresses to cum. Ay, ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko?!? Quiet na nga lang ako. I’m sure, papagalitan na naman ako ni Noy! Aha-ha-ha! –- Peace, Krissy! (Aha-ha-ha-ha)”

And the No. 1 text message received by former President Joseph Estrada on his 74th birthday…

“Tigilan mo na ang pagbatikosh sha akin! Shumushobra ka na! Wala kang utang na loob! Baka nakakalimutan mo… kung hindi dahil sha akin, baka sha kulungan ka pa rin nagbi-birthday hanggang ngayon! So pleashe lang! Stop it! –- Justice for Merci, Justice for Mikey! Justice for me, Glori!”

Ooops, may pahabol na text!
“Dear Mr. President, Pasensya na po! Ngayon ko lang naalalang birthday mo nga pala. Napakagulo kasi ng isip ko ngayon. Inom na lang tayo. Kailangan kong makalimot. Senator Chiz.”
“Binabalaan ko sila. Walang kaibigan, walang kumpare, walang kamag-anak o anak na maaaring magsamantala sa ngayon. At ngayon pa lamang sinasabi ko sa inyo, nag-aaksaya lamang kayo ng panahon. Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Ejercito Estrada, 13th President of the Philippines
1998 Inaugural

Today is April 19th
On this day in…

607: Comet 1P/607 H1 (Halley) approaches Earth… sees unrest in the Middle East, earthquakes in Asia, poverty in Africa, and Charlie Sheen in America, and decides to reverse direction.

1882: Charles Darwin died. Apparently, he was not the fittest.

1882: Charles Darwin died. He stopped evolving.

1937: Doña Mary Ejercito delivered a joke… and named it “Joseph.”

1951: General Douglas MacArthur retires from the military. He never returned.

1993: A fire killed 40 people in a psychiatric institute in South Korea. That was insane!

2005: Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope. However, his running mate, the candidate for the vice papacy, Cardinal Mar lost to Cardinal Jejomar.

Thanks to Wikipedia, History On-This-Day, and Today in Science History.

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Have a safe and fun vacation! Let’s go Lakers!


13 02 2011

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

Just so you know, President Aquino is a certified member of SMV: $amahan ng Mamahalin ang Vehicle$.

Rumors say President Aquino wants a palm plant on Valentine’s Day. Wanna know why? ‘Coz that’s the only sure way he could get a date.

This just in! The President has decided to change his relationship status on Facebook: from “Single,” to “So what?!”

On Valentine’s Day, the president’s youngest sister Kris is celebrating her 40th birthday. Kaya sa ating lahat… ingat!

101 Answers to the Question: Why are you still single? Right click to read it here.

Mubarak Resigns
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has stepped down as leader of Egypt. He left the presidential palace together with his weeping wife and children on a boat via the Nile River.

Egypt’s Hosni Mubarak resigned as president and handed control to the Armed Forces. Following the transfer of power, Egypt’s military generals were each given 50,000 Egyptian pounds as ‘pasalubong.’

Hosni Mubarak is no longer president of Egypt. His critics are now demanding the creation of a Truth Commission.

People power has forced Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak out of Cairo. In six years, expect former First Lady Suzanne Mubarak to seek the presidency of Egypt.

Hosni Mubarak stepped down as president of Egypt, and left Cairo around 12:15 AM on Saturday, Manila time. Minutes later, the Marcoses were on Twitter playing “Senti Sabado.”

Egyptians partied all night as they hailed the resignation of President Hosni Mubarak. Halfway through the celebration, the Black Eyed Peas performed.

Hosni Mubarak has resigned as leader of Egypt after 30 years in power. Asked how he felt for Mubarak, Vice President Jejomar Binay said “I don’t know. We’ve only been in power for 24 years!”

Less than a day after telling Egyptians he was not stepping down, Hosni Mubarak changed his mind and left the presidential Abdeen Palace in Old Cairo. He is now living an ordinary life at No. 1 Polk Street, Sharm el-Sheikh City, Egypt.

Trillanes Flip-flops
Last February 1, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV categorically stated in front of journalists that former Defense Sec. Angelo Reyes was the “powerful man” behind former military comptroller Carlos F. Garcia. Nine days later, he had an apparent change of mind and claimed it wasn’t Reyes after all. Geez, who do you think are? Hosni Mubarak?

Nine days after telling the whole world that former Defense Sec. Angelo Reyes was the “powerful man” behind retired Major. General Carlos F. Garcia, Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV flip-flopped and stated it wasn’t Reyes but someone else. Nine days from now, Trillanes is expected to reverse himself and say that Reyes has, in fact a reputation to protect.

Rich and Ugly
To marry a non-handsome but rich guy: this was the response of 57 percent of Filipino women surveyed by the Social Weather Stations. Liz Uy wasn’t one of them.

According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 51 percent of Filipinos prefer someone who is rich though ugly. They were described as ‘practical.’ The remaining 49 percent was ‘choosy.’
“It’s better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones!” – Author Unknown

“Did he really say that?” Moment
“Maganda pero boba! Alam mo kung bakit? Magha-hire ako ng tutor. Ipasok mo sa eskwela. Pag-aralin mo. Natututunan naman ‘yan eh. Kesa naman pangit, araw-araw pag gising mo sa umaga ‘yung mukhang pangit [ang makikita mo]. Iiwan mo rin ‘yun balang araw.”
~ABS-CBN news anchor Julius Babao

Survey Says
Interesado ka na ba ngayon sa football? Manonood ka na ba ng larong ito?
– OO naman. Matagal na. 41.25%
– Hindi pa rin. Wala akong kainte-interes d’yan. 25.31%
– If only for the Azkals, why not? 33.44%

ABS-CBN News: Robles: Malacañang knew it wasn’t Reyes but did nothing

Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism: The final words of Angelo Reyes

William Esposo (Philippine Star): Haunted by the ghost of Angie Reyes

Newsbreak: The troubled times of Angie Reyes

Manila Standard Today: Tañada vs. Tañada

More Personal
Undercard: Heat vs. Boston. #beattheheat
Main Event: Lakers vs. Magic #beattheheat pa rin!
Let’s go Lakers!

Wala Lang
“Oo, inaamin ko, saging lang kami. Pero maghanap ka ng puno sa buong Pilipinas, saging lang ang may puso! Saging lang ang may puso!” – Mark Lapid, “Apoy sa Dibdib ng Samar”

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8 02 2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRESIDENT Benigno Simeon “Noynoy’ Aquino III. This has been a hectic day for the President. He’s been busy answering questions like, “Kailan ka mag-aasawa?” and “Ano pong masasabi n’yo sa pagkamatay ni Secretary Reyes?”

On his 51st birthday, President Aquino went to the Land Transportation Office to renew his driver’s license. Talk about priorities.

Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on President Aquino’s Answering Machine

No. 10: “Hi Noy! Krissy here. Gosh! You’re 51 na!. In fairness huh, you don’t look your age. Para ka lang 50. Aha-ha-ha. Get back to you later. Taping lang ng ‘The Price Is Right’ – magpa-pilot on my birthday. Aha-ha-ha! Hindi ko kinakaya ang sarili ko Noy! Pati sa answering machine mo, nagpu-promote ako! Aha-ha-ha!”

No. 9: “Hi Noy! Si Shalani ‘to. Ok.Thx.Bye!”

No. 8: “Oist! Ang bagal mo! ‘Asan ka na ba? Paubos na ang pulutan. Bilisan mo. Si Topaquits to. Kanpaiii!”

No. 7: “Mr. President, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko ginustong agawan ka ng atensyon sa iyong kaarawan. Pero nandito na ‘to eh, wala na akong magagawa. Hindi ko naman puwedeng bawiin. Happy birthday na lang! Si Angie Reyes nga pala ‘to.”

No. 6: “Ni hao ma! ‘Kaw ba ‘yan Plisidinte? Donald Tsang ‘to. Pati birdei, iyo telefono bisi. Ako dalawa ulit tawag iyo, lagi sabi, “Da numbel you dial is test-drybing. Ano ba iyo test dryb: Lexus? Ako naman gusto lang bati iyo. Pero phone mo naka-answeling machine. Hayyy na ko. Eniwei, hapi birdei. Pa-borger ka naman. Gusto ko borger sa McDo. Kasi McDonald Tsang. Ay korni. Ang korni ko. Ba bu na!”

No. 5: “Mahal na pangulo, hulaan mo na lang kung sino ako. Clue: Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron kang free will, gamitin mo ito. Happy birthday!”

No. 4: “Pards! Rico E. Puno ‘to! ‘Musta na? Naks! Singkwenta’y uno! Parang waist line ko lang! Happy birthday pards! Siguro naman, nalimutan na ng publiko ang mga kasalanan ko ‘no?! Babalik din ako d’yan kapag tuluyan nang natabunan ang isyu ng carjacking. Imagine na lang kung bumalik ako d’yan two weeks ago, wala akong maisasagot! Ano ako hilo? Don’t worry, I have pasalubong! Mahaba. Matigas. Maitim. Pumuputok! Ha ha ha! I know u missed me! Aminin! Sige pards… happy birthday ulit!”

No. 3: “Gosh! Sino ba ‘yong nag-iwan ng Message No. 4? He’s so… basta! He’s so! Hay naku Noy! You and the friends you keep talaga! Anyway, si Krissy ulit ‘to! Umiiyak na naman si Bimby, ano baaaa!? Naloka talaga ako nang lumapit kanina ang bagets. Nagsusumbong siya! Aha-ha-ha! “Mama, Tito Noy took my PSP. Mama, get it na from him.” Nakakaloka ka! Puwede, pakibalik? Now na!”

No. 2: “Noy! Si Mar ‘to! Wusshuuuu! Tampo ka na ‘no? Akala mo nalimutan ko na ang birthday mo? Puwede ba naman ‘yon? Kahit laging si Chiz ang kasama mo sa iyong Porsche, ‘di kita pwedeng balewalain! Sayang ang endorsement sa 2016 noh! Jooooke! O siya, enjoy your day. Try to get some ok? Joooke! Seriously pare, you need a girlfriend. Gumaya ka sa akin, almost perfect ang buhay. Happy sa wife, panalo ang sex life. Joooke!”

And the No. 1 birthday message left on President Aquino’s answering machine…

“Hellow? Noyci? Oh shorry. What I mean ish, Noynoy pala. I’m shure, ‘di mo inaashahan ang tawag na ito. And i’m alsho shure ayaw mong mag-greet ako. ‘Wag ka nang chooshy okay? In the firsssht pleysh, wala kang choish. Alam ko ang lahat ng numbersh sha palashyo. We’re not enemish naman ‘di ba? Nabashura na ang Truth Commisshion. So letsh move on, can’t we? Yesh, we can! Happy fifty-firssht birthday. ‘Wag mo nang ipagkalat na tumawag ako okay? Baka ma-chishmish pa tayo. Shecret na lang. Sssssh.”

Ka Joma’s Day, Too!
Today is also the 72nd birthday of CPP-NPA founder Jose Maria Sison. To mark the Communist leader’s birthday in the Philippines, the New People’s Army blew up a cake.

Reyes, 65
The news spread like wildfire on the Internet: former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes is dead. But nobody believed the news item when it first came out… mainly because it was reported by Arlyn De La Cruz.

Angelo T. Reyes is dead. The AFP is shocked. They lost a former leader. DENR, DOE and DND employees are grieving. They lost a former boss. Oil firms are in mourning. They lost a former spokesman.

Quoting sources, the Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Secretary Angelo Reyes’ last word was “Sorry.” If that’s a clue, we know whom to blame for his death, ‘noh?

Former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes committed suicide. He shot himself while visiting his mother’s grave at the Loyola Memorial Park in Marikina City. A similar incident actually took place in 2005 when banker Ted Borlongan (who was then facing court cases) committed suicide near his mother’s & brother’s grave also at the Loyola Memorial Park. If you’re asking if ex-Major General Carlos F. Garcia and Lt. Col. Jacinto Ligot have relatives in the same cemetery, that I don’t know.

According to reports, former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes died from a self-inflicted wound to the chest. When Reyes’ boss, former president Joseph Estrada heard this, he said, “Sana mahuli agad ang suspek.”

Paraphrasing a tweet from a follower:
Bus bombing sa birthday ni Tita Cory.
Suicide ni Secretary Angelo Reyes sa birthday ni President Noynoy.
Sa February 14, birthday ni Kris Aquino.
Hail Mary full of grace… | Repent! Repent!

Living Ligot
According to official records, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, wife of former military comptroller Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot owns eight houses in the United States. Quizzed about the properties, Ligot told the Senate he wasn’t aware of it. In fact, it was only during yesterday’s hearing that Ligot found out he had a wife.

Official records also showed Lieutenant General Ligot’s wife traveled at least 42 times to the US, Singapore, and Hong Kong from 1993 to 2004. Again, Ligot denied any knowledge of his wife’s travels. Why would he care nga naman? It wasn’t his money she was spending. Sa taumbayan ‘yon!

This just in:
Mrs. Erlinda Ligot is reportedly visiting the wake of former AFP Chief of Staff Angelo Reyes. Asked about the schedule of her visit, Lt. General Ligot says he’s not aware of her plans.

Oil Price Hike
Reports say the unrest in Egypt could actually lead to an increase in gas prices… or as Shell, Petron, and Chevron would call it, “big payday.”
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
~Norman Cousins

“Para akong nabunutan ng tinik.” – stylist Liz Uy sa pagtatapos ng isyung nag-uugnay sa kanila ni Pangulong Aquino. Liz shares the same birth date with him. Happy birthday!

Survey Says
Sa inyong palagay, makatarungan ba ang pagkakabasura ng Court of Appeals sa murder charges laban kay Senador Lacson?
– OO. Free him! 16.28%
– HINDI! It’s unfair. 72.87%
– Hindi ko alam ang issue. 10.85%

Newsbreak: Angelo Reyes: “Wala na ‘to pare…”

Direk Joey Reyes on the Ligots: Discreet art of lying

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Take care everyone! #teamlakers #beattheheat


31 12 2010

BAGONG TAON NA! Uso na naman sina Madam Auring, Madam Rosa, Madam Suzette, at kung sinu-sino pang madam. Isama n’yo na rin sina Madam Maricel Gaskell, Madam Rene Mariano at Madam Arman Cuban. Sila ang mga self-proclaimed psychics na kadalasan ay nagbibigay ng mga hulang kasinglawak ng Milky Way at kasing generic ng Phenylephrine HCl Chlorphenamine Maleate Paracetamol.

“May maaaksidenteng celebrity sa ikatlong quarter ng taon kung hindi siya mag-iingat.”
>> Susmaryosep! Sanlibo’t sanlaksa ang artista! Kapag pumalya pa naman ang hulang ‘yan, ewan ko na lang!

[2009] Madam Suzette: “May mga nasa administrasyon na lilipat sa oposisyon at vice versa.”
>> ‘Di nga? Grabeee! Nakakagulat talaga! Kakaiba! Hindi namin na-predict ‘yon! Ikaw lang ang nakahula niyan! As in!

[2009] Madam Suzette: “Magpapatuloy ang contribution ng OFW sa ating bansa dahil sa remittances.”
>> Wow! How earth-shaking! Isang bagong impormasyon na ngayon lang nalaman ng publiko! Mabuhay ka!

Heto naman ang ‘vibrations’ ni Ms Maricel Gaskell [for 2010]:
Richard Gutierrez – May posibilidad na lumipat ng station.
Piolo Pascual – Posibleng lumipat ng station.
>> Anong station? Gas station o water refilling station? Give me a break!

Isa pang prediksyon ni Ms Gaskell:
Sharon Cuneta – Hahawak ng isang posisyon sa gobyerno.
>> Sorry! Ang tanging hinawakan ni Shawie… ensaymada! I heard, feyvorit daw niya ‘yon!

NARITO NAMAN ANG MGA vibrations at prediksyon ngayong 2011 para sa ilang kilalang tao sa ating lipunan mula sa isang bagong sibol na psychic na itatago natin sa pangalang Madam Damin: puwedeng namnamin, huwag masyadong seryosohin.

President Noynoy Aquino
Magkakaroon ka ng bagong girlfriend… pero mas mauuna kang magkaroon ng boyfriend. Kung ayaw mo itong mangyari, lumayo sa lalaking nagsisimula sa R ang pangalan.

Executive Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa
Katulad ng pangulo, magkakaroon ka rin ng bago… hindi girlfriend. Bagong trabaho. Good luck!

Assistant Secretary Mai Mislang
Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning
Makakatagpo ka na ng superpoging boyfriend. Hindi ko lang alam kung saan, paano, at magkano.

Secretary Ramon ‘Ricky’ Carandang
Presidential Communications Development and Strategic Planning
Ipagpaliban ang planong biyahe sa papasok na taon. Huwag na huwag bibisita sa ‘Samar.’ Maraming galit sa ‘yo doon.

Attorney Edwin Lacierda
Huwag mabahala sakaling makasama sa gagawing Cabinet revamp. Abogado ka. Malaki ang tsansa mong ma-reappoint na judge… judge sa 2011 Metro Manila Film Festival!

DILG Undersecretary Rico E. Puno
Marami akong inihandang hula para sa ‘yo. Kaya lang, hindi ko talaga maalala. Next year na lang.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Sayang! Kung sumuko ka between July and November, baka laya ka na rin ng December. Alam mo namang naging trend ang pagpapalaya at pagdi-dismiss ng mga kaso ngayong December 2010, hindi mo pa sinamantala. Galingan mo pang lalo ang iyong pagtatago ngayong 2011… dahil nakikita kong makikita ka!

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Sa 2011, you’ll reach another milestone. Isang anibersaryo ang ipagdiriwang n’yo ni Atty. Jose Miguel Arroyo. Twenty-two years na ang iyong boob job! Good job!

PLDT Chairman Manny V. Pangilinan
Sa kabila ng disappointing box office performance ng pelikulang ‘Rosario’ (kuwento ng buhay pag-ibig ng iyong lola) na ginastusan mo ng milyun-milyong piso, gagawa ka ng isa pang pelikula na tatawagin mong ‘Manuel.’ Kuwento ito ng iyong lovelife. Mangunguna ito sa takilya! Bongga!

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Ingatan ang tiyan. Baka ‘di ka nila masikmura.

Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV
Noong ikaw ay nakakulong, ikaw ang fourth biggest spender sa Senado. Ambilibabol? Bilib it! Madodoble ito ngayong laya ka na. Spend wisely.

Miko Morelos, Inquirer Reporter
Magkakatotoo ang prediksyon ng isang socialite. Tatama ka sa lotto. Try mo ang Suertres o kaya EZ-2 .

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
& Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno

Lalo pang titindi ang inyong bromance. Matutupad ang plano n’yong makapag-abroad – together. Sabay kayong ipapatawag ng Hong Kong government para sa isang hearing on the Manila hostage crisis.

Jessica Alfaro, Vizconde massacre witness
Madlilim ang nakikita kong kapalaran mo. Mag-alis ka muna ng shades.

Sen. Loren Legarda
Malaki ang posibilidad na mahulog ang loob mo sa isang lalaking may dugong banyaga. Napakayaman ng lalaking ito. Aalukin ka niyang manirahan sa kanyang mansion… ang Playboy Mansion!

Shalani Soledad
Kung gusto mong manatili sa iyong trabaho ngayong 2011, ipagpaliban ang planong pambabasted sa isang masugid na manliligaw. Tiyaking palagi kang may kasamang alalay o PA kapag nasa dressing room. Mahirap na.

Kris Aquino
Matatagpuan mo sa isang sosyal at pang-mayamang mall sa Makati City ang lalaking matagal mo nang pinapangarap: matipuno, matangkad, tigasin. Siya ang lalaking magmamahal sa ‘yo nang tapat; ang lalaking magiging sunud-sunuran sa lahat ng gusto mo, at ang lalaking makakasama mo 24/7 habambuhay. Isa siyang mannequin.

Ex-future president Mar Roxas
Nakikita kong halos tiyak na ang pagbabalik mo sa pamahalaan ngayong 2011. Posible ring maging tatay ka. ‘Yan ay kung ‘di ka mauunahan ng pinakamahigpit mong kalaban. Itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang ‘menopause.’

At maraming iba pa!
>> Hindi pa rin magpapakita sa media ang CPP-NPA spokesman na si Gregorio ‘Ka Roger’ Rosal. Pero magpaparamdam naman ito. Awooooo!

>> May madadakip pang mga suspek ang NBI sa bar exams blast noong September. Itatanggi nila ang alegasyon, at bilang protesta, tatakbo sila nang hubo’t hubad sa palibot ng NBI Headquarters.

>> Isasapelikula ni Carlo J. Caparas ang buhay ni Gerardo Biong, ang pulis na nasangkot sa Vizconde massacre. Ngunit hindi mabubuo ang pelikula dahil tuwing matatapos ang isang shooting day, laging may magaganap na sunog sa set.

>> Malalampasan ng Pilipinas ang matitinding bagyo. Pero kung hindi, ‘wag mag-alala… ang bagyo mismo ang lalampas sa Pilipinas. Hello Taiwan!

>> Lalo pang sisikat ang mga Azkals. #sorryvietnam #maiMGApogiRITO

>> Mag-ingat sa mga bus. Alam mo na kung bakit.

>> Patuloy na maaapektuhan ang katinuan ng isang mambabatas dahil sa bawal na gamot. Posibleng humantong ito sa paghihiwalay nila ng kanyang misis.

>> Isang pulitiko ang masasangkot sa isang iskandalo. Mag-uugat ito sa away nila ng kanyang dating kinakasamang starlet. Si pulitiko ay may kapatid din sa gobyerno, at ang kanilang ama ay… [Ayoko nang dagdagan! Delikado!]

>> Mahuhulog ang loob ng isang TV reporter mula sa isang malaking network sa isa ring TV reporter ng kalabang network. Pareho silang lalaki. Si TV reporter No. 1 ay… [Ayoko nang dagdagan! Mas delikado!]

>> And finally, tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang court battle between ABS-CBN and Willie Revillame. At wala akong pakialam!
“We should all be concerned about the future because we will have to spend the rest of our lives there.”
~Charles F. Kettering

Survey Says
Kumusta naman ang lovelife mo ngayong patapos na ang 2010 at papasok na ang 2011:
– Panalo! Super inlove! Mamatay kayo sa inggit! 25.84%
– Oks lang. Sakto lang. Bakit nakikialam ka? 29.48%
– Lovelife?!? Tao ba ‘to? Hayop? Lugar? Pangyayari? Pagkain? 44.68%

Sa inyong lahat mula Batanes hanggang Tawi-tawi, from Asia & Oceania to Europe, Africa, the Americas and Antarctica, thank you so much for keeping me company in 2010. This has been an awesome year for this blog and YOU made it possible. YOU! YOU! YOU!

Looking and moving forward to an even more meaningful and fun-filled 2011 kasama kayong lahat!

Maraming salamat! Have a safe, healthy, and prosperous New Year!

I love you people! #chizcurls #kesongputi #chizwhiz

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