KRISSY/CHIZZY

KRIS AQUINO’s talk show has taped its pilot episode with Sen. Chiz Escudero as first guest. An anonymous source sent The Professional Heckler a ‘transcript’ of that exclusive interview. Enjoy!

VO: Mga Kapamilya, please welcome your host, the Queen of Talk and the Queen of All Media… Ms Kris Aquino!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: I am baaaaack! Good morning mga Kapamilya! At good morning din sa mga Kapuso at Kapatid na nakatutok ngayon! Mag-aminan na tayo ohkay?! Kapag pilot episode, nakatutok kayo, sure ako! At kapag mababa ang rating ko, happy kayo ‘di ba? Aminiiiin! Hay naku, I’ve matured. Wala nang effect sa ‘kin ang ratings-ratings na ‘yan. Mas marami pa rin akong endorsements kesa sa iba d’yan! Kurek?!?

Audience: Kureeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! You’re so alive audience. Grabeee! Oh wait, that girl sa likod ng guy na naka-blue, can you stand up please iha. Direk, puwedeng ipakita natin? There! I love your blouse, promise! What’s your name?

Girl: Hope Mayen Digby po.

Krissy: Aray ko! Sige na nga, take your seat na. Naloka ako do’n. Buti na lang, hindi Oli ang middle name mo! Otherwise, baka nag-spontaneous combustion na ako! Anyway, kung matatandaan n’yo, we had a mock episode almost a month ago with Cong. Manny Pacquiao as guest. Hindi po eere ‘yon. Today though, mapapanood ng lahat ng Kapamilya sa ABS-CBN at sa TFC ang aking exclusive interview sa una nating guest. Take note mga Kapamilya! Never pa siyang nag-grant ng one-on-one, sit-down interview kahit kanino. Sa ‘kin lang. Gano’n tayo kalakas sa kanya! Tahhhma??

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha Buweno, huwag na nating patagalin pa! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome… my very special guest this morning, Senator Francis Joseph ‘Chiz’ Escudero!

SFX: Canned applause

Chizzy: Hi Kris! Good morning po sa inyong lahat! Magandang umaga sa mga nanonood.

Music: Faithfully by Journey [I’m forever yours, faithfully]

Krissy: Welcome to the show Chiz! Direeeek, ano ba!? ‘Faithfully’ talaga ang song? Kaloka!
Chizzy: Bakit Kris? Faithful naman ako ah.
[Sigawan ang kinikilig na audience.]
Krissy: Hindi ko kayo kinakaya! Kakastart pa lang ng show, pinagba-blush n’yo na ako. Aha-ha-ha!

Music: I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner

Krissy: Stop! Stop it Direk! Ano baaa! Hindi pa nullified ang kasal ko, maawa naman kayo! Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: Okay lang sa ‘kin ‘yon Kris!
[Sigawan ulit ang audience na mas lalong kinilig.]

Krissy: Thank you for coming Chiz. Alam n’yo po mga Kapamilya, it took our staff almost two months bago nakumbinsing mag-guest si Senator. So thankful ako sa kanya. Thank you talaga for trusting my show.
Chizzy: Sa akin ang karangalan Kris. Sino ba naman ako para tumanggi sa Queen of Talk?
Krissy: Owwwws? Talaga? Eh ba’t di ka makatingin nang diretso sa akin!? Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: ‘Di naman sa gano’n. Katulad nga ng sabi mo, ‘di pa nadedeklarang null ang kasal mo. Baka may magalit!
Krissy: Naku wala! Aha-ha-ha! I assure you Chiz, walang magagalit! Tama ba ako audience?

Audience: Taaahma!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Tara, start na tayo!
Chizzy: Seryosong interview ba ‘to?
Krissy: Ayy no! Ayaw namin ng serious! Baka maglipat ang viewers so dapat happy, lively, yehey ang kwentuhan nating dalawa! Heto na ang first question: Senator… gumagamit ka ba ng condom?
Chizzy: This is embarrassing Kris.
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha. Nagbibiro lang ako Chiz! Gosh! Namumula ka na! I wonder what else in you is red. Ay ano ba ‘yong nasabi ko? Ano ka ba Chiz! Of course I wouldn’t ask that on TV. Siguro, later na lang. Aha-ha-ha!
Chizzy: Next!
Krissy: Ikaw daw ang nag-recommend sa kapatid ko na ilagay si Mar Roxas sa DoTC. True ba ‘to?
Chizzy: Grabe naman. Hindi naman ako gano’n ka-powerful Kris. They’re giving me too much credit. Ang totoo, it’s a collective effort of the Group.
Krizzy: And when you say ‘group,’ you mean Samar Group, right?
Chizzy: Yup! Of which you are a member!
Krissy: What did you just say? Gosh! Bawiin mo ‘yan Chiz! Ayokong madamay sa gulo n’yo ng Balay noh! Nananahimik ako!
Chizzy: Basta ang alam ko… ang ibinoto mong VP may B.
Krissy: You’re so kainizzzz! Magagalit na naman sa akin si Korina. I hate you na talaga. Kung ‘di lang ako single ngayon, ihi-hate na kita foreverrrr, promise! Am I correct, audience?

Audience: Kureeeeek!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! Maiba ako Chiz, when you and the President are together, nag-uusap ba kayo tungkol sa babae?
Chizzy: More of kotse actually. When it comes to women kasi, I think mas kabisado ng Balay Group ang isyu. ‘Kita mo naman no’ng manood siya ng Hotdog concert with Bunny Calica, napapaligiran siya ng allies ni Mar. Kaya kapag pumalya ang lovelife niya, alam mo na kung sinong dapat sisihin.

Krissy: Speaking of Mar, kumusta na kayo ni Ate Koring? Are you guys on speaking terms na?
Chizzy: Pass!
Krissy: Salamat sa paglilinaw! At least, maliwanag na ngayon ang lahat.

Krissy: Now, iwan na muna natin ang nakakalokang mundo ng pulitika. Punta na tayo sa isyung pinakahihintay ng mga viewers.
Chizzy: RH Bill, right?
Krissy: Wrong! Sorry ka! Mas juicy na topic ‘to.
Chizzy: Ako?
Krissy: Why? Juicy ka ba?
Chizzy: It’s for you to find out!
Krissy: Aha-ha-ha! Naughty ka na ngayon! Hindi ka naman dating ganyan Chiz! Na-cha-challenge tuloy ako! Promise!
Chizzy: So anong isyu nga ‘yon?
Krissy: Hay naku! Maang-maangan School of Edong Angara acting ka. Kahit kalat na kalat na, nagdi-deny pa. How’s your lovelife ba?
Chizzy: ‘Yon lang ba? Wala namang nagbago Kris. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, umaapaw pa rin ang aking pagmamahal sa kambal ko.
Krissy: Sa kambal lang? Eh pa’no ‘yong nanay ng kambal?
Chizzy: Let’s leave it at that.
Krissy: Mga Kapamilya, malinaw na malinaw po ang pahayag ni Senator Chiz. First and exclusive dito sa show ko: hiwalay na silang mag-asawa! I’m sure, ipi-pick up ito ng News.
Chizzy: Whaaaaat? Wala akong sinabing ganyan Kris! Bawiin mo ‘yan!
Krissy: Ay, wala ba? Pasensya na po mga Kapamilya. Nagkamali ako ng dinig. Soooooorry. Ohhhh, you’re not smiling na. Hindi ako sanay na ganyan ka Chiz. I’m very sorry talaga. Teka nga… Mga kapamilya, bagay ba kaming dalawa ni Senator?

Audience: Bagaaaaay!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha! There! Ngumingiti na ulit si Senator. Palakpakan naman natin si Chiz!

SFX: Canned applause

Krissy: Thank you! Right now, we’ll answer a question from a member of the audience.
[Sabay-sabay na nagtaas ng kamay ang audience]

Krissy: You! Yes, you, the tall guy in white polo shirt. What’s your name?
Guy: Alvin po.
Krissy: Alvin what?
Guy: Conwi po.
Krissy: In fairness Alvin, cute ka sana. Hindi ko lang like ang last name mo! Anyway, what’s your question for Senator Chiz?
Guy: Ahm, senator, hypothetical lang po. Kung single ka at single din si Ma’am Kris, liligawan mo ba siya?
[Tilian ang audience. Kinikilig ang mga potah.]
Chizzy: ————-
Krissy: Shoccccccks! Speechless si Senator! Kaloka!
Chizzy: Hindi Kris. Kasi…
Krissy: My God, careful ka! Nakatutok ang buong Pilipinas sa ‘tin.
Chizzy: Alam n’yo mga kaibigan, hindi naman lingid sa inyong kaalaman, medyo close na rin ako sa Presidente. Ayaw kong ilagay sa…
Krissy: Hindi!!!! Yes or No lang! Liligawan mo raw ba ako kung pareho tayong available? Bilis na, naghihintay sila.
Chizzy: Bakit naman hindi, ‘di ba?
[Sigawan at palakpakan ang audience. Hinimatay ang floor director.]
Krissy: Naloloka ako sa inyo! Mas kinikilig pa kayo kesa sa aming dalawa! Hay naku! Move on na tayo! Baka magamit pa ‘yan ni Atty. Lorna Kapunan at ni James against me. Baka sabihin, lumalandi ako. Excuuuuse me! Guys, malandi ba ako?

Audience: Hindiii!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!

Chizzy: Matagal pa ba ‘to?
Krissy: Five minutes na lang. Do you play basketball?
Chizzy: Only if you’d watch me.
Krissy: Aray ko! Konting-konti na lang, baka malimutan kong kasal pa ako. Lord, give me strength! Aha-ha-ha! Wait! Are you in favor of divorce?
Chizzy: Yes!
Krissy: Gosh, ang bilis ng sagot! Parang may pinaghuhugutan! Aha-ha-ha Moving on… we have this segment called Lightning Round. Simply answer the questions. No need to explain. Game?
Chizzy: Game na!

Krissy: Samar or Balay?
Chizzy: Itinatanong pa ba ‘yan?

Krissy: Lights On or Lights Off?
Chizzy: Saan ka ba mas komportable?
Krissy: Lights off. Ayyyy bakit ko raw sinagot!?? Kaloka.

Krissy: Chubby or Skinny?
Chizzy: Skinny.
Krissy: Eh bakit parang nandidiri ka sa akin. Hay naku! Abangan mo ang pagpayat ko!

Krissy: Sunny side up or Scrambled Eggs?
Chizzy: Hard-boiled.
Krissy: Gosh, favorite ko din ‘yan, promise! Paano mo nalaman?!

Krissy: “Hurt me with the truth” or “Comfort me with a lie?”
Chizzy: Naranasan ko na ‘yong una eh. Sobrang sakit pala. So, try ko na lang ‘yong ‘lie.’
Krissy: Ay, ako hindi! ‘Di bale nang masaktan basta’t alam ko ang katotohanan!

Krissy: Boxers or Briefs?
Chizzy: Alamin mo na lang! Joooke!
Krissy: Kainis ka! Huwag mo ‘kong binibiro nang ganyan! Madali pa naman akong maniwala!

Krissy: In bed: would you prefer someone who’s wild or someone who’s mild?
Chizzy: Wild!!!
Krissy: Kainis ka na naman! Bakit laging tugma ang sagot mo. Wild ako eh. Goshhh!

Krissy: Anyway, maraming, maraming salamat sa pagdating mo ngayong umaga Chiz! I had so much fun, promise! Oh, wait, what’s your shoe size?
Chizzy: Eleven and a half.
Krissy: Ay, puwede na rin. At least, merong “and a half.” Aha-ha-ha
Chizzy: It’s a pleasure to be here Kris. Nag-enjoy rin ako.
Krissy: Any message sa mga viewers?
Chizzy: Matagal-tagal pa naman ang 2016 pero… sige na nga… sayang ang pagkakataon. Sa mga kapwa Pilipinong nanonood, sakali man at palarin po akong bigyan ng chance ng Samar Group na maging running mate ni Vice President Binay, ‘yon po ay magiging isang malaking karangalan para sa ‘kin. Unlike last year na nagdalawang-isip po ako, sa 2016… sure na sure na po. Mas hinog na ako kumbaga.
Krissy: Wait! Kung tatakbo kang vice president sa 2016, may plano ka bang humanap ng future Second Lady?
Chizzy: Bakit naman ako maghahanap pa kung ‘yong para sa akin ay nasa tabi-tabi lang pala?
[Sigawan ang audience. Pagod na sila sa kakasigaw. Gutom na.]
Krissy: Gosshhh! Parang gusto kong mag-blush! Sorry mga Kapamilya, hindi ko lang mapigilan ang sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, promise!
Chizzy: Ikaw Kris, kung papipiliin ka, First Lady ng Makati o Second Lady ng Republika, anong pipiliin mo?
Krissy: Ay!! Ayokong sagutin ‘yan! Junjun Binay is probably watching right now. Ayokong makasakit ng damdamin. Aha-ha-ha Basta! Abangan na lang natin ang mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw! Willing ba kayong maghintay mga Kapamilya?

Audience: Yessssss!

Krissy: Ayyyyy! Love n’yo talaga ‘ko! I love you too! Aha-ha-ha!
————————————————————–
End of Interview

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[Kris/Chiz photo grabbed from @itsmekrisaquino]

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QUITTERS, INC.

FORMER LOS ANGELES Lakers slotman Shaquille O’Neal has called it quits. Shaq was quick to clarify though that he quit for “personal reasons” and not because of a power struggle between rival factions in his team.

Sources say Shaquille O’Neal wants to go back to being a private citizen. He also dismissed rumors that he quit because of the impending return of Assistant Secretary Virginia Torres to the LTO.

Next DoTC Chief?
According to Newsbreak, defeated vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas has been offered the DoTC post to be vacated soon by Jose ‘Ping’ De Jesus. Without naming names though, President Aquino said the intended substitute asked for more time to think about the offer. Let’s all hope that by Monday, Korina Sanchez has made a decision.

First, it was the post of executive secretary, then presidential chief of staff. Now, it’s the DoTC. The President has so much trust in Mar Roxas, it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s offered the presidency.

Disputed Territory
Chinese Embassy spokesperson Michelle Zhao has denied allegations of illegal military incursions into Philippine territorial waters in the South China Sea. Out of force of habit, the Philippine government believed her.


Fish Pens
Local officials in Talisay, Batangas admit Chinese businessmen own and operate several fish cages in the area. We worry so much about South China Sea and yet, we can’t even protect Taal Lake.


Marcos Burial
Reports say Vice President Jejomar Binay has recommended full military honors for the burial of ousted dictator Ferdinand Marcos… not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani though but in Ilocos Norte. It was also recommended that the refrigerated body be carried to the cemetery by a specially designed funeral vehicle – a thaw truck.

Vice President Jejomar Binay has recommended full military honors for the burial of ousted dictator Ferdinand Marcos. A 21-gun salute will be fired by a group of seven soldiers including Carlos F. Garcia, Jacinto Ligot, George Rabusa, Roy Cimatu, and Diomedio Villanueva.

Facebook Ban
City hall employees in Makati, Parañaque, Manila, and Quezon City are no longer allowed to access their Facebook accounts and play computer games during office hours. You know what that means? Half-day na lang ang pasok! Yehey!

Local government employees in Makati, Parañaque, Manila, and Quezon City are no longer allowed to access their Facebook accounts. Disgruntled employees immediately changed their status to “It’s Complicated.”


Double Dead
Double-dead milkfish or botchang bangus that were confiscated in wet markets were brought to crocodile parks in Quezon City and Pasay. But park supervisors said they could only accommodate so much. The remaining botchang bangus are now being delivered to Congress.

Lotto Winner
The lone winner of the 356-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot is a 60-year-old slum-dwelling barangay tanod and part-time carpenter from Las Piñas City who was a recipient of the agency’s medical assistance last month, has six children, and whose siblings reside in Bicol. These vital pieces information came from PCSO General Manager Jose Ferdinand Rojas II a.k.a. Tim Yap.

Overseas…
Dr. Jacob “Jack” Kevorkian has died. He was 83. It wasn’t clear though if he helped himself die.

When Osama Bin Laden bumped into Dr. Kevorkian in hell, the Al Qaeda leader asked, “Want a job? My suicide bombers need help.”
—————————————————————–
“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.”
~Lance Armstrong

You Have Spoken
Dapat bang magkaroon ng divorce sa Pilipinas?
– Panahon na! 61.34%
– Hindi na kailangan! 32.91%
– Hindi ko alam. 5.75%

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I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever

THE GOOD WIVES (?)


Mrs. Ligot
A very emotional Erlinda Yambao-Ligot showed up at the Senate hearing Thursday. Apparently, nobody told her she was there for a hearing, not for a shooting.

The wife of embattled Lt. Gen. Jacinto Ligot, Erlinda Yambao-Ligot, and her brother, Edgardo Yambao showed up at the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee hearing last Thursday. Mr. Yambao opened with a prepared statement while Mrs. Ligot opened with a prepared blood pressure.

Senators failed to grill Mrs. Erlinda Yambao-Ligot when she showed up Thursday at the Senate. The wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot broke into tears even before senators could throw questions at her. According to the Senate physician, Mrs. Ligot registered at least 10 BP levels during her brief appearance, and her husband wasn’t aware of it.

Congressmen were supposed to invite the wife of former military comptroller Jacinto Ligot to a separate hearing next week. But the solons had an apparent change of mind when Mrs. Ligot threatened to buy the House of Representatives.


Korina vs. Binay
The camp of Vice President Jejomar Binay has filed a complaint before the KBP against news anchor Korina Sanchez for allegedly “omitting” his name at least thrice in her spiels on TV Patrol. Sought for comment on Binay’s complaint, Korina said, “Sino ‘yon?”

This just in: An anonymous source has intercepted private messages purportedly sent to each other by the newscaster and the vice president. [We’re still verifying the authenticity of the Twitter accounts). Here are excerpts from the heated and revealing exchange.

@BinayForever: sumusobra ka na iha.
@May_K: excuse me, do i know you?

@BinayForever: huwag kang magkunwaring ‘di mo ako kakilala!
@May_K: huwag kang magkunwaring friends tayo.
@BinayForever: were we not?
@May_K: never.
@BinayForever: owws? four letters: E-R-A-P.
@May_K: you lost me there. anong kinalaman ni erap sa identity mo? hindi nga kita kilala eh.

@BinayForever: huwag na tayong magpaka-plastic. we both supported the deposed president noong kasagsagan ng mga rally against him.
@May_K: that is absurd, preposterous, and ridiculous!
@BinayForever: just like you?
@May_K: anong problema mo, maliban sa kulay mo?
@BinayForever: namemersonal ka na naman eh.
@May_K: everything is personal. ‘yong makati city hall, inangkin mo na. ‘di ba mas namemersonal ka?
@BinayForever: i was elected by the people.
@May_K: you bought them. they had no choice.
@BinayForever: huwag mong idamay ang constituents ko sa pagiging bitter mo.
@May_K: bitter? ha-ha-ha! sinong bitter? ako? ha-ha-ha!
@BinayForever: oo, ikaw! halakhak mo pa lang, amoy ampalaya na. ilang Charantia ba ang nilunok mo kagabi?
@May_K: hindi ako pumapatol sa corrupt! t#2%$7^-i*@ mo!
@BinayForever: o, nagmumura ka na. relax!

@May_K: i can’t believe you won!
@BinayForever: ako rin. ha-ha-ha

@May_K: ano ba talagang gusto mo? gulo?
@BinayForever: anong palagay mo sa akin, ikaw?

@May_K: bakit? sino bang nagreklamo sa kbp? pati programa ko, idinadamay mo pa!
@BinayForever: aling programa? ‘yong “inalis” kay karen davila?
@May_K: hindi ko gusto ang tono ng pananalita mo.
@BinayForever: hindi ko gusto ang pag-aastang-reyna mo!

@May_K: ‘wag kang makialam sa pamamalakad ng bagong news and current affairs management!
@BinayForever: you first! este, sure!

@May_K: wala ka na sa lugar. kung gusto mong maglabasan ng baho, hindi kita uurungan. wala akong itinatago.
@BinayForever: ah, ganun!!!? puwes! ako meron! maghanap ka na lang ng ibang kaaway.
@May_K: ha-ha-ha duwag, walang bayag!
@BinayForever: ha-ha-ha! bakit? ‘yong asawa mo ba meron?
@May_K: huwag mong idamay si mar. tahimik na tao ‘yon.
@BinayForever: kahit naman siguro ako ang asawa mo, tatahimik din ako!

@May_K: kung makapagsalita ka, parang ang linis-linis mo ah! parang ‘di ka nagkaroon ng kabit!
@BinayForever: wow. nagsalita ang madrasta! just so you know, alam ni dr. elenita binay ang pangangaliwa ko!
@May_K: eh ang pandarambong na ikinaso sa ‘yo, alam din niya?
@BinayForever: tanga! pareho kaming kinasuhan ng plunder! ayusin mo nga ‘yang research mo!

@May_K: ‘wag mo ‘kong diktahan kung ayaw mong masaktan!
@BinayForever: hindi ako katulong, ‘wong mo kong bantaan!
@May_K: ang kapal ng mukha mo! dismissed na ‘yong kasong ‘yan!
@BinayForever: wala akong sinabing kaso… nagi-guilty ka na naman!

@May_K: by the way, ilang taon na nga ba ang pamilya n’yo sa city hall ng makati?
@BinayForever: beinte singko, bakit?
@May_K: ay, may tawag jan!
@BinayForever: lingkod-bayan?
@May_K: reptilian!
@BinayForever: ano ‘yon?
@May_K: tukô! gecko! bobo!
@BinayForever: kung maka-bobo ka naman, baka nakakalimutan mo, i am the vice president of the land.

@May_K: humahaba na ang usapang ‘to. paano natin ito wawakasan!?
@BinayForever: galit ka ba sa ‘kin?
@May_K: ako? galit? Hindi ah! love na love nga kita eh. dahil nga sa ‘yo hindi ako naging second lady di ba? dahil rin sa ‘yo, natengga nang isang taon si mar, right? at dahil sa ‘yo, katakut-takot na panlalait at kahihiyan ang tiniis ko nang matalo ang mister ko, alam mo ba ‘yon? ako? galit?? %#24^6* mo!
@BinayForever: hahaha may funny bone ka rin pala. ‘yong bone ba ni mar, funny din?

@May_K: hindi ka nakakatawa! tapusin na natin ‘to!
@BinayForever: paano nga?
@May_K: madali lang! bawiin mo ang complaint na isinampa mo laban sa akin sa KBP!
@BinayForever: oo ba! pero sa isang kondisyon…
@May_K: what?
@BinayForever: sumumpa kang magpapakabait ka na mula ngayon.
@May_K: ganun? sige, ituloy mo na lang ang complaint mo.

-End of conversation.-
——————————–
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
~Mahatma Gandhi

Survey Says
Sa balitaktakan ng mga anak ng dalawang dating pangulo ng bansa, kanino ka kampi?
– Team Bongbong Marcos 24.32%
– Team Noynoy Aquino 29.15%
– Wala! 46.54%

Elsewhere
Newsbreak: VP Binay’s rumor mill

Kamukha mo ba siya? The most typical face is on earth is… CLICK HERE.

Personal
“What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I’m all choked up and you’re okay”

That’s from the hit song ‘Breakeven’ (a personal favorite) by the Irish band “The Script.” The trio will be performing live at the Araneta Coliseum on April 16. Tickets are now available at all Ticketnet outlets. For ticket information and reservations, please log on to http://www.ticketnet.com.ph or call Ticketnet at 911-5555. For sponsorship and preferred seating inquiries, please call 0916.688.8324 and 0921.207.2121.

Have a safe week ahead!

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TROUBLESHOOTERS


Postponed
China has delayed the execution of three Filipinos found guilty of drug smuggling. That was the good news that reverberated last Friday from Beijing to Manila – and to the Spratly Islands.

Vice President Jejomar Binay said China’s decision to delay the execution of three Filipinos was historic since Beijing has never postponed executions in the past. In fact, not even Great Britain was able to stop the execution of a British national in 2009 for drug smuggling. But then again, Britain does not lay claim to the Spratlys.

Some political observers say the stay of execution for three Filipinos could be related to the Spratly dispute. Manila goes “quiet” on its claim on the islands, Beijing delays the execution. Squid pro quo.


Special Envoys
Three days after sending Vice President Jejomar Binay to China, President Aquino sent former senator Mar Roxas to Taiwan. Last Friday, China postponed the execution of three Filipinos convicted of drug trafficking in Beijing. Samar Group, 1: Balay Group, 0.

Three Filipinos were to be executed in China and Jejomar Binay was sent to Beijing. Fourteen Taiwanese were deported to mainland China by the Philippines; Taiwan got mad and Mar Roxas was sent to Taipei. Rumors say the original choice for the Beijing trip was Roxas but Chinese officials opted to meet Binay citing its “one VP policy.”

Losing vice presidential candidate Mar Roxas was sent to Taiwan to “seek understanding.” Unconfirmed reports say while Taiwanese officials graciously welcomed Roxas, they refused to accept his explanation saying the one year ban on defeated candidates was still in effect.

This just in (11:30PM Tuesday):
Reports say Taiwan is still unhappy despite Mar Roxas’ visit. Or as Conrado De Quiros and the Samar Group would call it, “failed mission.”


RH Bill
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines has reportedly pulled out of the Reproductive Health bill dialogue with the government. But President Aquino is not giving up on the CBCP yet. To appease the bishops, he is sending Vice President Binay to talk to them.

The CBCP has pulled out of the RH Bill talks with the government. Malacañang is accusing the bishops of practicing ‘withdrawal method.’

UST & the RH Bill
University of Santo Tomas professor Aguedo Florence Jalin Jr. instructed his students to post anti-RH bill remarks/comments on the Facebook page of (RH bill proponent) party-list group Akbayan in exchange for “bonus points” in class. When Akbayan officials noticed the “flooding” on the FB page, they knew UST was somehow involved.

Receiving an instruction from their professor, UST students flooded Akbayan’s Facebook page with anti-RH Bill remarks complete with their full names, courses, and school. That’s not surprising though. It’s really hard to change the mindset of a 400-year-old.


And then there were 3!
TV5 has unveiled its own news channel while GMA Network is set to launch GMA News TV on February 28. Senators and congressmen can’t wait to conduct more inquiries and investigations in aid of legislation.


Edsa Anniversary
The country is celebrating the 25th anniversary of Edsa People Power on Friday. Some 5,000 policemen will be deployed to provide security. And that’s for the President’s Porsche alone.

According to the EDSA People Power Commission, everything is set for the country’s celebration of the 25th anniversary of the 1986 Edsa People Power Revolution. Several activities have been lined up for Friday’s momentous occasion. The expected highlight of the event is the launching of the government’s own news channel.

Smokin’ President
Palace spokesman Attorney Edwin Lacierda says President Aquino has cut down on smoking. In fact, the President now consumes only half… of each cigarette stick that he lights up.

ER the Actor
Reports say former character actor, now Laguna Governor ER Ejercito is making not just one but two comeback movies this year… totally disproving the notion that very bad acting is never rewarded.

ER Ejercito will star in the Emilio Aguinaldo biopic. The Laguna governor is flattered. It will be the first movie in which he won’t play a crazed junkie.


Donaire Wins
Nonito Donaire Jr. has won the WBC/WBO bantamweight titles by knocking out Fernando Montiel of Mexico last Sunday. Donaire has practically won every single fight he had in the past 12 months… except for that one against his parents.

Korina and Mar
Interviewed by the Philippine Daily Inquirer, Korina Sanchez categorically denied rumors she and Mar Roxas have called it quits telling an entertainment columnist, “My relationship with Mar has become deeper, more nourishing and happier.” In the interest of fairness, the Philippine Daily Inquirer will try to get the side of Roxas as soon as possible.
——————————-
“I must acknowledge, once and for all, that the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.”
~Star Trek, Mr. Spock


Briefly Noted
Probably out of force of habit, the Department of Tourism replaced the slogan “Tara, Biyahe Tayo” with its new campaign “Pilipinas, Tara Na!” | Tara na? Where? Sa Hong Kong?

Briefly Noted, Too
Have you seen Manny Pacquiao’s Datu Puti TVC? The copy includes the following lines:
Freddie Roach impersonator: May asim pa si Mommy.
Mommy Dionisia: May toyo ka yata eh.

In the version I caught last night, Mommy Dionisia’s “may toyo” line was noticeably edited out. Derogatory much?

Survey Says
Sa iyong palagay, mai-impeach ba ng Kamara si Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez?
Oo naman. May tiwala ako sa kanila. 21.95%
Asa pa! Kanya-kanyang interes ‘yan! 56.1%
Hintayin na lang natin. 21.95%

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Personal
Congratulations to Kobe Bryant, the MVP of the 60th NBA All-Star Game in LA. Great work West All Stars! Sorry, LeBron James. Go ahead, cry now. #beattheheat

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Enjoy the rest of the week! Ingat!

KrissyLeaks


A YET TO BE AIRED interview of Ted Failon with Kris Aquino was leaked to The Professional Heckler by KrissyLeaks, a non-stock, non-profit, non-government, non-existent, and none-of-your-business organization dedicated to bringing all Kris Aquino-related news & information to the public. Here’s a partial transcript of that interview.

TED: Hello Kris, welcome to the show!
KRIS: Hi there Ted! Welcome to my life! Ahah-hah-hah! Naloka ka ‘no! Intro pa lang, binuko na kita! Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Sandali lang huh, 30 minutes lang kasi tayo Kris, so diretso na ‘ko sa mga answers.
KRIS: Anong answers!? You mean, questions! Gosh, namumula ka Ted! Ahah-hah-hah! Buti na lang taped tayo.
TED: Okay, okay… first question: Naglabas ng gag order ang Makati City RTC with regard to the motion for the declaration of nullity of your marriage to James Yap, may nakikita ka bang problema sa ganung set up?
KRIS: Hay naku Ted, it’s not even a problem! Since the judge prevented me from talking about my marriage, what else can I do? Eh ‘di talk about Kuya Noy’s love life! Mas bongga kung ganun ‘di ba? Where do you want me to start? Ahah-hah-hah!
TED: Akala ko ba may gag order sa ‘yo si Presidente?
KRIS: Actually yeah. Kaya lang Ted, I’m sure maiintindihan naman niya. I have a movie sa film fest. I need to make noise! ‘Tsaka prangkahan na Ted, an investment is an investment ‘noh. I can’t afford to lose money! ‘Yong part ng kikitain ko will be for Bimby’s future kasi nga ‘di naman kalakihan ang suweldo ng ama niya ‘di ba? Ay, ano ba ‘yung nasabi ko? Gossssh, magagalit na naman si Ate Ballsy. I swear, tatawag na naman ‘yon. I’ll zip my mouth na nga lang.


TED: Last Tuesday sa TV Patrol, sinabi mong hindi ka obsessed sa interviews, at never kang naging atat sa pagsasalita sa harap ng camera. Mabuti naman at ‘di ka tinamaan ng kidlat!
KRIS: Anong sabi mo Ted?
TED: I mean, meron ka bang pinatatamaan sa statement mong ‘yon?
KRIS: Helllooooooo! Maang-maangan ka Ted. You know her, umamin ka! It’s that lady lawyer na boyish ang haircut, kinda dark ang lips, laging naka-choker, at may pearl earrings. My gorrrrsh, wala ba siyang stylist? Or maybe, she’s got one pero blind? Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Balik tayo sa Presidente. Lately kasi, parang panay na panay ang date niya. After ng Barbie Palagos, sumunod ang Liz Uy, nagkaroon ng Len Lopez, at ngayon naman, Mary Grace Tan. Wala pa ba siyang napipili?
KRIS: I really don’t know Ted. He’s almost 51 and sabi nga ni Ate Ballsy hayaan na lang nating magdesisyon ang ating pangulo. Kung ang ending ay sila pala ni Undersecretary Rico E. Puno, who are we to judge, ‘di ba? At the end of the day, hello Secretary Edwin Lacierda, borrow muna ng line mo huh! Okay! Again, at the end of the day, kapag happy si Noy, happy rin ang bansa natin kasehodang mainlove siya sa best friend niya! Ker ko at ker natin ‘di ba? Ang importante maligaya siya at maayos ang pamumuno niya! Tama?
TED: Taaaaama!
KRIS: Ahah-hah-hah! Ang cute mong magsabi ng “Taaaaama.” Promise. Ano nga palang size ng shoes mo Ted?
TED: ‘Yan ka na naman Kris. You’re putting me on the spot.
KRIS: Why?!? I just wanna know, and I think the public naman, kahit papa’no deserves to know something about you. Sige na Ted, anong shoe size mo?
TED: 10.
KRIS: Ten? Divided by 2 plus 1 equals… ohmigosh!
TED: Ano ‘yon?
KRIS: Wala lang. Ahah-hah-hah! Nakakaloka!
TED: Bakit nga?
KRIS: Basta! By the way, James is size 14. ‘Tapos 12 si Ipé, and Joey is 13.


TED: Iwan na nga natin ‘yang shoe size-shoe size na ‘yan at lalo lang akong nate-tense. Ano nga palang masasabi mo sa pagpasok ni Councilor Shalani Soledad sa showbiz?
KRIS: Next question please…
TED: Okay, ano na lang ang reaksyon mo sa balitang nanliligaw si Willie Revillame kay Shalani?
KRIS: Hay naku, ang kulit mo Ted. Sige… ano muna ang size ng undies mo?
TED: Sige na nga, move on na tayo.
KRIS: Good! Gosh, pinapainit mo ang ulo ko! May dinner pa naman tayo mamaya.
TED: Huh?
KRIS: Grabeeeeee! Are you denying me again? How could you Ted? ‘Di ba nag-confirm ka na? Gosh! ‘Pinapahiya mo ko sa viewers. Basta! Lalabas tayo tonight with Boy and Bettina.

TED: Tapusin na muna natin ‘to Kris. Maiba ako, kung ikaw ang hiningan ng slogan for the Department of Tourism, anong imumungkahi mo?
KRIS: Of course, malapit sa puso ko ang word na “Pilipinas” kasi tatlong shows ko ang may “Pilipinas” sa title: ‘Pilipinas Game Ka Na Ba,’ ‘Pilipinas Got Talent,’ and ‘yong last show ko… basta, ‘yong… hmmm, sige na nga, aaminin ko na, ‘yong show kong hindi nag-rate! Gosh. Kainis! Half-baked kasi. ‘Yong ‘Pilipinas Win na Win.” But if Secretary Lim would ask for my help, pagsasama-samahin ko ang titles ng tatlo kong shows. The slogan will be: “Pilipinas Got Game! Winnerrrrr!” O ‘di ba bongga! Ahah-aha-aha!

TED: Alam kong active ka sa Twitter. At alam kong alam mo ang nangyari sa speechwriter ng pangulo. Kung ikaw ang nasa Vietnam, ano kaya ang mga itu-tweet mo?
KRIS: First of all Ted, my heart goes out to Mai Mislang. You know, she’s young, adventurous, and most probably, loveless kaya ganun ang mga tweets niya. Helllllllo! Maloka kayo kung nakipag-date siya sa Vietnamese noh! Imagine, nasa official visit ka tapos nakikipaglandian ang speechwriter. So, tama lang na wala siyang nakitang pogi do’n. But if I were in her shoes, I’ll never be in her shoes.

TED: Kung magbibigay ka ng Christmas gift sa mga taong babanggitin ko ang pangalan, ano ang ibibigay mo sa kanila at bakit?
KRIS: Nililinaw ko lang Ted huh – hypothetical lang ‘to. So kapag may nagalit na naman sa akin, sagot mo ‘ko. Okay?? Go!
TED: Kay James…
KRIS: Choker! Para may panregalo siya sa kanyang lawyer na hobby na yata ang magpa-interview!

TED: Kay Mayor Junjun Binay…
KRIS: Uyyyyyy! Jelling. Umamin ka Ted! Nasasaktan ka kapag binabanggit ko ang name ni Junjun ‘no? Ahah-ha-ha! Gift ko sa kanya? Siguro, black gulaman. Kasi, he’s so dark yet so sweet. Shoccccks. I’m so cheesy na. Nakakainizzzz!

TED: Sa mag-asawang Mar Roxas at Korina Sanchez…
KRIS: Hmmm, friendship bracelets pero sasabihin ko, galing ‘yon kay Senator Chiz para matapos na ang cold war nila. If you’re watching Kuya Mar and Ate Koring… Christmas na! Forgive n’yo na kasi si Chiz! Kayo rin… bad vibes raw ang may kaaway pagpasok ng New Year. Baka ‘di kayo makabuo. Ahah-hah-hah!

TED: Kay Shalani Soledad…
KRIS: Helloooooo… bakiiiit? Close kami?

TED: Kay Liz Uy…
KRIS: Isip muna ako. Gosh! I almost forgot! She’s my ex- almost-sister-in-law nga pala. Hay naku sis! Choosy ka! Pero don’t worry, love pa rin kita.

TED: Kay Sharon Cuneta…
KRIS: Tupperware…
TED: Sino?
KRIS: My gaaaaad! Pinag-aaway mo na naman kami ni Mega. Let me finish please! Tupperware full of ensaymada kasi favorite niya ‘yon! Hi Shawie! Don’t cry ulit okay?

TED: Kay Senator Ping Lacson…
KRIS: Siguro, round trip ticket to any destination of his choice pero dapat sabihin niya sa akin where. After all, 2 million is 2 million! Ahah-hah-hah! Nagbibiro lang ako Ted! Hi Jodi. Hi Pampi!

TED: Kay Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa…
KRIS: Can I be honest Ted?
TED: Sure…
KRIS: Gusto ko siyang bigyan ng mag-asawang sampal para magising siya. Gosh, mapapahamak si Noy sa mga kapalpakan n’ya no!? Sorry Jojo, I know your dad was close to my dad, but nakakairita lang talaga ang mga nangyayari ngayon. Sorry!

TED: Kay Presidente…
KRIS: Alam mo Ted, isa lang naman ang laging hiling ni Noy from me eh. Ang busalan ko ang bibig ko. Pero sabi nga ng mga tiyo at tiya ko, “Kapag pinatahimik n’yo si Kris, hindi na si Kris ‘yon. Si Viel na ‘yon.” So to my brother… sorry, Noy hindi ako puwedeng manahimik. Pero kung may materyal na bagay na posibleng ibigay ko sa kanya, siguro PSP Go kasi sira na ‘ata ‘yong PSP3000 n’ya eh.

TED: Finally, anong gift ang gusto mong ma-receive this Christmas?
KRIS: Ikaw Ted, pwede ka ba? Ahah-hah-ha-ha!
TED: Two minutes na lang ang natitira sa show natin Kris.
KRIS: I’m serious Ted! Why not you? Single ka… single ako. Sikat ka… sikat ako. Matinong lalaki ka… maperang babae ako. O ‘di ba we’re compatible?! Ahah-hah-ha!

TED: Mga kaibigan, abangan po ninyo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Ms Kris Aquino next year…
KRIS: Wait, please don’t forget to watch ‘Dalaw’ palabas na po sa mga sinehan sa December 25. Kakaibang movie po ito for the holidays. Hindi po kayo malulugi sa ibabayad ninyo dahil pinaghirapan ko po ito. Mula opening scene hanggang ending, tumitili po ako rito.
TED: Again, mga kaibigan, abangan n’yo ang pagsasamahan naming show ni Kris on ABS-CBN. It will be a monthly talk show na pinamagatang… Kris, ikaw na ang magsabi…
KRIS: “Buwanang Dalaw.” Watch out for it! Thank you!
-End of Transcript-

IN THE NEWS NOW…
Arrested
The shocking news on Tuesday was the arrest of Wikileaks editor-in-chief Julian Assange in London. In even more shocking news, Assange’s name was discovered to have been included on Malacañang’s amnesty list.

Nice Try
Last Wednesday, an 82-year-old woman tried to claim the 741.17-million peso Grand Lotto jackpot. But the woman failed to show the winning ticket because her grandson allegedly ran away with it. The PCSO became even more suspicious when they asked the woman who her grandson was. Her reply: Miko Morelos.

This just in (8PM/Th): The PCSO says a 60-year-old balikbayan has claimed the 741.17M-peso Grand Lotto jackpot. Tanong ng bayan: Sixty years old na si Miko Morelos? Balikbayan si Miko Morelos? #justkidding #peace

More Kris and Ted
In her TV Patrol interview last Tuesday, Kris Aquino revealed that she and news anchor Ted Failon were textmates. On live TV, she even invited him to a dinner. That interview marked the official launch of Failon as a promo material for Aquino’s film ‘Dalaw.’
——————————
“Being single isn’t the cause of loneliness, and marriage is not necessarily the cure. There are many lonely married people as well.”
– Renee Jones

Briefly Noted
Malacañang’s reaction to the recent Supreme Court ruling on the Truth Commission as ‘headlined’ by leading dailies and websites:
Philippine Star: Government to appeal SC ruling vs truth body
ABS-CBNNews.com: Aquino defends Truth Commission
GMANews.TV: Aquino: GMA untouchable? Not in my administration
BusinessWorld: Aquino wants quick fix to address legal obstacle to Truth Commission
Philippine Daily Inquirer: Aquino slams SC decision

Public Service
Sa mga taxi driver na CHOOSY, umayos kayo! DOTC Oplan Isnabero Hotline: 09172470385/ 09192227462 or text 7890.

Survey Says
Naniniwala ka bang patay na si Gregorio “Ka Roger” Rosal, ang spokesperson ng komunistang New People’s Army?
– Sumalangit nawa! 25%
– No! He’s still alive. 15.41%
– Do i look like someone who gives a damn? 59.59%

Word of the Week
KrissyLeaks: anumang bago o kontrobersyal na pahayag o impormasyon tungkol kay Kris Aquino mula mismo kay Kris Aquino #nowyouknow

Stay healthy. Stay happy. Spread the love.
Enjoy the rest of the week!

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FIGURES


Clinton in Manila
Former US President Bill Clinton paid a courtesy call on President Aquino in Malacañang. It was a very casual meeting between the two leaders. When Aquino asked, “Coffee, milk or tea?” Clinton replied, “Interns.”

President Aquino received a courtesy call from former US President Bill Clinton. It was a casual and private meeting between the two leaders. Aquino talked about alternative sources of funds; Clinton talked about alternative uses of cigars.


Clinton in Manila II
On Wednesday, the Alpha Phi Omega fraternity (Gamma Epsilon Chapter) came out with half-page ads in leading broadsheets to welcome their “brod,” former US President Bill Clinton. Rumors say, during Clinton’s brief stay here, APO members had so much fun with him. It was a blast!

TV War: A Postscript
According to AGB Nielsen’s Mega Manila ratings last Monday, November 8, TV5’s ‘Willing Willie’ with Shalani Soledad beat ABS-CBN’s ‘TV Patrol’ with Korina Sanchez, 11.6 to 10.7. Mar Roxas is reportedly filing a protest.

Reports say President Aquino did not watch Shalani Soledad’s hosting debut on television. Not that he avoided seeing her but… you have to understand, “Willing Willie” was on the same time slot as ‘The Tom and Jerry Show.’

According to Kantar TNS’ Mega Manila ratings, ‘TV Patrol’ with comeback queen Korina Sanchez won against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ with its new co-host Shalani Soledad, 20.9 to 19.3. Meanwhile, GMA 7’s 24Oras got 23.4 percent prompting Ms. Jessica Soho to exclaim, “Thank God, Tita Mel wasn’t an ex-girlfriend!”

According to ABS-CBN’s survey firm Kantar TNS, ‘TV Patrol’ is tops nationwide, as well as in Metro Manila. ‘K.

On ‘Willing Willie’ last Monday, Councilor Shalani Soledad said, “This is not about Willie. This is not about me, but it’s more on kung ano ang magagawa para sa tao.” Is it 2013 yet?


Out Soon?
Unconfirmed reports say President Aquino will soon replace Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa. If that’s true, the President just gave Ochoa another reason to get drunk.

At around 2:47AM (Wednesday), news websites started posting reports that Executive Secretary Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa was on the way out. The reports didn’t specify if he’s on the way out as Little President or on the way out of a bar.

Rumors say Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa, who received flak for committing blunder after blunder will be replaced by Energy Secretary Jose Rene Almendras. Almendras says he’s not aware of the issue and then cleared Ochoa of any wrongdoing as Little President.

Lotto Fever
The Grand Lotto 6/55 draw on Wednesday, November 10 has a jackpot prize of 375 million pesos. Ang liit naman! That’s equivalent to just one senator’s pork barrel for one and half years.

Senator Juan Miguel Zubiri admits he spends 2,000 pesos on lotto every month. Apparently, Zubiri believes in luck. That’s what made him senator anyway.

Senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr is also a lotto fan. His six numbers are a combination of the birth dates of his women.

APEC Summit
President Aquino is off to Yokohama tomorrow for the APEC Summit. As reported earlier, his speechwriter, Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang will not be part of the official delegation, and that’s really unfortunate. Marami pa namang pogi sa Japan.

Guidelines
President Aquino has reportedly approved the draft of guidelines for government employees in using social media networks like Twitter and Facebook. Rule No. 1: Drinking wine (that sucks) while tweeting is not allowed… especially if you are in Vietnam. Rule No. 2: Don’t cross the street while you tweet. That’s suicide. And finally, Rule No. 3: In reality, ang pogi ay para lang sa maganda. Kung wala kang makita, baka hindi sila ang may problema. Baka ikaw.
—————————————
“A competitive world offers two possibilities. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change.”
~Anonymous

Elsewhere…
Manila Standard Today: The Return of the K-Team

Philippine Daily Inquirer: Insatiable starlet meets match

Briefly Noted
In PDI’s Biz Buzz column Wednesday, November 8, reporter Dax Lucas re-released some figures from ABS-CBN (Kantar TNS) showing TV Patrol winning against TV5’s ‘Willing Willie,’ and GMA7’s ’24Oras’ last Monday night.

I wonder why Lucas didn’t cite the figures from Nielsen Media which revealed that ‘24Oras’ and ‘Willing Willie’ actually clobbered the comebacking duo of Korina and Kabayan last Monday in Mega Manila. What’s PDI’s slogan again? Balanced News, Fearless Views?

Survey Says
Pabor ka ba sa desisyon ni Councilor Shalani Soledad na maging co-host ni Willie Revillame?
– OO. Why not? 21.44%
– HINDI. 44.37%
– Wala akong pakialam! 34.18%

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NEWS/CASH


STARTING MONDAY, November 8, a former vice president, a former congressman, and a former senator’s wife will anchor ‘TV Patrol.’ Apparently, there was ‘politics’ in the drastic change.

TV5 is unfazed by the changes on ‘TV Patrol.’ On ‘Willing Willie,’ it will field an ex-future First Lady.

Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad said she was persuaded to accept the co-hosting offer of TV5 because she’ll be doing “public service.” When NBN4 executives heard this, they said, “Sayang! Had we known, inoffer sana namin sa kanya ang ‘Damayan!’”

Shalani Soledad has joined TV5 as co-host of Willie Revillame’s game show. This confirms her break up with the president.

In an interview, Willie Revillame said Shalani Soledad reminded him of the late Princess Diana. Shalani returned the compliment by telling Willie he reminded her of Princess Punzalan.

Radical changes are being implemented by ‘TV Patrol’ and ‘Willing Willie.’ Meanwhile, GMA 7 is monitoring both stations, beinte-kwatro oras.

‘TV Patrol’ has two new anchors; ‘Willing Willie’ has a new co-host… and ’24Oras’ has a new plug.

Meanwhile…
Sources say Karen Davila has yet to decide on her next move after being annihilated from ‘TV Patrol.’ Karen dismissed rumors she’s joining ‘Pilipinas, Win na Win.’

To give way to Julius Babao, Henry Omaga Diaz was removed from the late-night newscast ‘Bandila.’ He has since been given a ‘morning’ assignment.

Ces Drilon, the significant other of a Presidential Communications Group secretary will remain on ‘Bandila.’ This info was leaked to the press even before an official announcement was made.

The popular children’s show ‘Batibot’ is also making a TV comeback via TV5. Remember Big Bird on ‘Sesame Street?’ Rumors say ‘Batibot’ will have a similar female character. To give you an idea of how she would look like, right click here.

Light Bites
Elizabeth Barrett Browning:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”

President Aquino to Mar Roxas:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the null votes.”

President Aquino to Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the guns.”

Vice President Jejomar Binay to “brod:”
“How do I love thee? Let me count the defense lawyers.”

Supreme Court to UP Law:
“How do I love thee? Let me copy some ways.”

Mai Mislang to Vietnam:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the pogi.”

Gabby Lopez to Noli De Castro:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the cash.”

Congressman Kapalmuks to pork barrel:
“How do I loot thee? Let me count the ways.”

CBCP to LBTG Rights advocates:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the gays.”

Exec. Secretary Paquito ‘Jojo’ Ochoa to Vina Morales:
“How do I love thee? Let me drink to that!”

ABS-CBN to Willie Revillame:
“How do I loathe thee? Let me count the suits.”

First Philippine Industrial Corp. (FPIC) to West Tower Condominium residents:
“How do I ‘leak’ thee? Let me count the pipes.”

Karen Davila to ABS-CBN:
“How do I leave thee? Let me count the offers.”

Hayden Kho to Vicki Belo:
“How do I love thee? Let me count the surgeries.”

Councilor Shalani Soledad to President Aquino:
“How do I spite thee? Let me count on Willie.”
——————————————
“When television is good, nothing is better. When it’s bad, nothing is worse.”
~Newton N. Minow

Survey Says
Sinibak ka sa TV Patrol, ano ang gagawin mo kung ikaw si Karen Davila?
– Wala lang. Deadma. Tanggapin ang Bandila. 22.65%
– Masakit. Baka sundan ko ang aking mister sa TV5. 51.22%
– Mag-iisip muna ako. Relax lang. 26.13%

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ONE LAST CRY?


PRESIDENT-ELECT Noynoy Aquino’s youngest sister, Kris has announced on nationwide TV that her marriage to basketball star James Yap is over. Reliable sources say a woman caused the split. She was identified as Kris Aquino.

Incoming First Sister Kris Aquino admitted Sunday that her (almost) five-year marriage to basketeer James Yap is over. James has yet to issue an official statement but close friends say the cager is elated by the commutation of his life sentence.

An unimpeachable source has revealed that while James may have lost a woman in his life, the PBA star is unfazed. After all, there’s still Hope.

Top 10 Reactions to Kris Aquino’s Announcement that Her Marriage to James Yap is Over

No. 10: Manny Pacquiao: “Una sa lahat, pasalamat aku sa ateng Mahal na Panginuun. At sa mga kababayan natin sa walang sawang pagsupurta. Basta magdasal lang kayu lagi at malalagpasan n’yu ‘yan. Kay James, kaya mu ‘yan. Kenaya ku nga ih… you know.”

No. 9: Francis Escudero: “Ang bise presidente ko… may B, at mestiza pa! Ang mister mo ba… may ‘B’ rin?”

No. 8: Noli De Castro: “Bakit ka mangungupahan pa, kung kaya namang sa Times Street na?”

No. 7: Teddyboy Locsin: “Sonofabitch! Na naman?!?”

No. 6: James Yap:Hello, Mayen? Puwede bang d’yan muna ako matulog? Kailangan ko lang ng kausap.”

No. 5: Manny Villar: “Nag-Pasko ka na bang wala ang iyong asawa? Naranasan mo na bang mawalan ng kabiyak kahit ikaw ay mapera? Pwes… ngayon, mararanasan mo na!”

No. 4: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo: “As my father would always tell me, just do what ish right. Do what ish best, and God will take care of the ressht. Sa totoo lang, ‘noh?”

No. 3: Korina Sanchez: “What?!? Iniwan niya si James Yap?!? ‘Sabagay, nasa dugo naman nila ang nang-iiwan. ‘Di ba Mar?”

No. 2: SWS and Pulse Asia: “Magkakabalikan, 51 percent; Hindi Magkakabalikan, 47 percent; Vetellano Acosta, 2 percent.”

And the No. 1 reaction to Kris Aquino’s announcement that her marriage to James Yap is over…

James Yap’s PBA Teammates: “Pa-cheeseburger ka naman! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!”

————————-
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
~Irwin Corey

Have a productive and safe week ahead!

FENG SHUI


REPORTS SAY President-apparent Noynoy Aquino doesn’t want to live in Malacañang because it has ‘negative vibes’ on him. To prove his claim, Noynoy revealed that whenever he was at the palace during the presidency of his mom, “Lagi akong ‘game over’ sa Pacman.”

Noynoy Aquino was quoted to have said that he doesn’t want to stay in Malacañang because the palace has “negative vibes” on him. He is now choosing between his house on Times Street and the Manila Cathedral!

President-apparent Noynoy Aquino says he will not live at the Arlegui mansion inside Malacañang compound because “Living in it, by myself, will just emphasize being alone,” – to which Ninoy and Cory said, “Anak, hindi ka nag-iisa!” Awoo!


Eighty Percent
Do you still remember Noynoy Aquino’s pre-election promise that if elected president, he’d be sharing up to 80 percent of his job with his one and only partner Mar Roxas? Well, here’s the latest: Mar Roxas has just sent his ‘No, thanks!’ message.

The bad news is Noynoy Aquino won’t be able to share up to 80 percent of his presidential powers with Mar Roxas. The really bad news is Jejomar Binay is reportedly willing to take 100 percent.

Now it can be told! Remember when Noynoy Aquino promised to share up to 80 percent of his job with Mar Roxas? Rumors say Roxas told Noynoy, “You want me to do 80 percent of your job?!? Who the hell do you think you are, Korina?!?”

World No-Tobacco Day
The World Health Organization declared May 31 as World No-Tobacco Day, or as Noynoy Aquino would call it, “Whateverrr!”

Congress & Canvassing
Congress has started counting electronically-transmitted votes for president and vice president. Apart from computer glitches, authors of the elections automation law admit they did not foresee a much bigger problem that threatens to further delay the canvassing – Didagen Dilangalen.

Inquirer is No. 1
According to the latest survey conducted by The Nielsen Co., the Philippine Daily Inquirer is the No.1 newspaper in the country followed by the Manila Bulletin and the Philippine Star. The Manila Times is planning to sue Nielsen after the paper placed 6th.

The latest Nielsen survey showed that the Philippine Daily Inquirer is the No. 1 newspaper in the country today. To beat the Inquirer, the Philippine Star is reportedly getting Chiz Escudero as endorser.
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“Home is where you can scratch where it itches.”
~Anonymous

Surveys Says
Sa pangkalahatan, ano ang masasabi mo sa presidency ni Gng. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo?
Excellent job! 5%
Good work! 11%
Puwede na. 20%
Buwisit! 64%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere…
GMA News.TV: How did the presidential and vice-presidential candidates do in your province?

Newsbreak: Corona’s somersaults

MAR OH MAR!


NOYNOY AQUINO and Jejomar Binay topped ABS-CBN and Pulse Asia’s exit polls. Mar Roxas is now thinking of a ‘gracepoll’ exit.

But another report says, until the last vote is counted, Mar Roxas will not concede the vice presidency… and Korina Sanchez will not concede to Dr. Ellen B.

Happy Birthday!
Sen. Mar Roxas is celebrating his 53rd birthday today, May 13. This morning, he got the surprise of his life when Korina Sanchez blew his candle.

Rumors say Mar Roxas wants to invite everyone, including his political enemies to a Tom and Jerry-themed party. Roxas wants to play Tom, Binay will be the Jerry.

But his wife Korina insists on having a cowboy-themed celebration. She can’t wait to shoot Chiz Escudero.

Korina has also rejected another suggestion to have a Batibot-inspired party. She really hates Kiko Matsing.

Doňa Judy Araneta-Roxas has another idea though. She wants her son to invite Nanay Curing Villar for a Barney and Friends Birthday Party. You know, dinosaurs.

Why, even the newest Liberal, Joey Salceda has a suggestion – an X-Men themed event!

Several Iglesia ni Cristo members have confirmed attendance to Mar Roxas’ party. But the INC members will bring just one common gift for him.

Loren Legarda will also attend the party. But before accepting the invitation, she made sure that ABS-CBN is not covering it live and no Wireless Audience Response System will be used during the event.

Unconfirmed reports say Inquirer’s Conrado De Quiros has been invited to speak at the birthday party. So expect the columnist to endorse Roxas in the next elections.

You know who else is celebrating his birthday today? Robert Pattinson. Yeah, sharing the same birthday today are Robert Pattinson and Mar Roxas – one whose career was launched via ‘Twilight’ and another who’s in the twilight of his career.

Top 10 Birthday Messages Left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ Answering Machine

No. 10: “Hi Senator, this is TJ Manotoc. I have good news on your birthday. Got two complimentary tix here for the repeat concert of Tears for Fears. Would you like to watch the show with Korina?”

No. 9: “Mar, si Loren ‘to. Ayaw ko nang makipagplastikan. Prangkahan na. Kung malungkot ka sa iyong birthday dahil nakakalamang si Binay, ako hindi. Masayang-masaya ako for Mayor Binay. At ito ang tandaan mo: kung kay Noli De Castro, never akong nag-concede, lalong hindi sa ‘yo!”

No. 8: “Isang mainit na pagbati sa iyong kaarawan Senador Roxas! Si Chiz Escudero ito. Ilang tulog na lang, 2016 na. Handa ka na ba?”

No. 7: “Hello Manuel! This is your Tita Gloria Angara. Your Tito Edong is sending his warm birthday greetings to you! Pero maiba ako iho. Sino ‘yung nag-iwan ng message No. 9 sa ‘taas? Ang bitter naman ng babaeng ‘yun. Hindi maka-move on!”

No. 6: “Mar, kumusta? Si Erap ‘to. ‘Wag kang malungkot. Birthday na birthday mo pa naman. Alam mo ba ang regalo ko sa ‘yo? Sssssssh, ‘wag kang maingay. Atin-atin lang ‘to. ‘Yung bise presidente ko… walang B! Walang “boto” mula sa ‘kin! Ayos ba?”

No. 5: “eOw poh sEnAdOR! kMi p0Wh ANG mgA jejeMOn Ng eaSt RemBo, Mkti cItY P0wh.~ ky BiNay,~ gGNDA aNG buHay L0lZ! mAligYng Bati na Rin~ pow! JEjej3!

No. 4: “Birthday greetings Senator Roxas! Thank you so much for the support! Kung ‘di po dahil sa inyo noon, wala sana ako ngayon. Nagmamahal, EVAT Law.”

No. 3: “Mar, partner, si Noy ‘to. Happy birthday ‘tol! ‘Wag kang mag-alala. Magtutulungan pa rin tayo para sa bayan dude. Kung matalo ka man, nandito pa rin ako pare. Remember, I’m still single. Since wala naman akong First Lady, baka interesado kang maging First Gentleman o kaya First Best Friend. Basta walang malisya bro.”

No. 2: “Hon, alam ko birthday mo. Pero, bakit?!? Bakiiiiiiiiiiit?!? Ano ang kasalanan ko sa Itaas at pinaparusahan ako ng ganito katindi? I took a leave from my freakin’ job. Sinagot kita! Ipinagtanggol kita! Pinakasalan kita! Sinipingan pa nga kita kahit medyo… eww! Pero bakit? Kulang pa ba ang mga sakripisyo kong ito?”

And the No.1 birthday message left on Sen. Mar Roxas’ answering machine…

“Hi Marrrrrrrrrr! This is Krissy! Gosh! It’s your birthday pala today! I almost forgot. Mabuti na lang, Tito Jojo Binay reminded me about it over dinner last night! Gosh, this is so embarrassing! Forgetful na talaga ang lola mo, pasensya na! Anyway, happy, happy birthday and I sincerely wish na ma-enjoy mo ang ‘yong pagiging ordinary citizen. Pakisabi kay Tita Koring, I miss her. Well, slight. Gosh! She won’t be Second Lady nga pala noh? How saaaaad! Bye, bye for now! I need to go. Oh my! Baby James, ano ba! ‘Wag mong dilaan ‘yang Villar bracelet. That’s dirty! Gosh this kid!”

In Other News…
Former Lakas stalwart-turned-Noynoy Aquino supporter Joey “She’s a lucky bitch” Salceda was re-elected governor of Albay. Sought for comment on his victory, Salceda blurted out, “Ay! Winner! Nilampaso ko nang bonggang-bongga ang candidate No. 2! As in!”

JC: ‘Not yet Noynoy’
Ang Kapatiran Party standard-bearer JC De Los Reyes has withdrawn his concession to Noynoy Aquino. It takes a lot of guts to do something like that especially if you’re someone who couldn’t even win an election against Vetellano Acosta.

Lani in the House!
Actress Lani Mercado is now a lawmaker. Can you believe it? Well, I can’t. Sampalin n’yo ko! Sampalin n’yo ko!

Lani Mercado has been elected congresswoman in Cavite. She will represent the province’ district 2 – the country’s congressional district with the second highest number of masochists next only to Saranggani.

Critics Proven Wrong
Philippine Daily Inquirer columnist and Noynoy Aquino endorser Conrado De Quiros, and activist lawyer Harry Roque – two of the most prominent poll automation naysayers (who doubted the capabilities of both the Comelec and Smartmatic) admitted that they have been proven wrong as the May 10 elections turned out to be a credible and successful exercise. Tinangka ni Professional Heckler na hingan ng pahayag ang dalawa ngunit kapwa sila tumanggi dahil kumakain pa raw sila… ng kanilang mga salita.
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“You’ve got to learn to survive a defeat. That’s when you develop character.”
~Richard Nixon

Survey Says…
Ano ang masasabi mo sa pangkalahatang proseso ng katatapos na halalan?
Astig! Ang bilis! Sulit ang ipinila ko! 19%
Puwede na. Pero puwede pang ma-improve! 79%
Ibalik sa dati. Manual na lang tayo. 2%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
If you still doubt Iglesia ni Cristo’s ability to vote solidly as a bloc, check out these figures from Rodriguez, Rizal, a known INC stronghold: Here. And here. Another. And one more.

Sheila Coronel for CNN: In the Philippines, clans and guns still rule

Philippine Daily Inquirer: How did the Binay blitzkrieg come about?

Personal
Huli man at magaling, kailangan pa ring sabihin. Huge thanks to broadcast networks for the comprehensive coverage of the elections! Mabuhay kayo mga Kapamilya, Kapatid, Kapuso, at kung sinu-sino pang mga ka-K diyan!

Enjoy the rest of the week!