BLACKOUT, BAYOT, BORGY ATBP. KWENTO

7 04 2016

1NAIA
#NAIABlackout
President Aquino: O Jun, ano na namang kapalpakan ‘to?

Secretary Abaya: Mr. President, nag-black out eh. ‘Tapos drained pala ang battery ng standby generator sa NAIA kaya five hours walang kuryente.

President Aquino: FIVE HOURS?!?

Abaya: To be fair Mr. President, hindi naman fatal.

President Aquino: At buhay naman lahat sila ‘di ba? Good.

#NAIABlackout II
Abaya: Mr. President, tama ang iyong narinig: limang oras ang blackout sa NAIA.

President Aquino: Ano ba naman ‘yan, Jun?! Lagi na lang bang may ganyang kapalpakan?

Abaya: Mr. President, I have failed you and our people again. I am now ready to resign.

President Aquino: Kahanga-hanga ka talaga Jun!

Abaya: But since two months na lang tayo sa puwesto,  pag-aralan mo munang mabuti kung tatanggapin mo ang resignation ko o hihintayin na lang nating matapos ang iyong termino.

President Aquino:

Abaya: Suggestion lang!

#NAIABlackout III
President Aquino: LIMANG ORAS na blackout?! Wala bang warning o notice man lang? Wala bang generator? Wala bang nagawa para maiwasan ang kapalpakang ito?!? Lagi na lang ganyan! Paulit-ulit na lang!

Abaya: BAKIT?!? AKO BA ANG NAG-CAUSE NG BLACKOUT?! GUSTO KO BA ANG NANGYARI?!? FAULT KO BA KUNG DRAINED ANG BATTERIES NG PUNYETANG MGA GENERATOR NA ‘YON?!? AKO BA ANG MANILA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT AUTHORITY GENERAL MANAGER?! SAWANG-SAWA NA AKO SA MGA BATIKOS!

President Aquino:

Abaya: Sorry sir. Sobrang init kasi sa labas. Nahawa ako. ‘Sensya naman.

1candidates#Komiks
Roxas: May komiks ako.

Marcos: May komiks din ako.

Roxas: Hero ako noong Yolanda sa komiks ko.

Marcos: Superhero ako ng Pilipinas sa komiks ko.

Roxas: Hindi nagnakaw sa gobyerno ang aking pamilya.

Marcos: Ba’t naman napunta dun ang usapan? Balik tayo sa komiks.

#SCDecisionLeak
Poe: Nag-leak na ang Supreme Court decision. Tuloy ang candidacy ko!

Mar: Paano nangyari ‘yon?

Poe: Mabait si Lord.

Binay: Paano kung na-reverse?

Poe: Nag-decide na nga eh. Irrelevant question.

Miriam: Paano kung mali ang leak?

Poe: Reliable ang source namin.

Duterte: Paano kung isang hatinggabing tulog ka eh magkaputukan sa Spratlys?

Poe: Ulol!

#Endorsement
Poe: Ako ang inendorso ni Erap.

Roxas: Ako ang inendorso ng mga Pineda.

Binay: Ako ang inendorso ng mga Ampatuan.

Duterte: Pasensya na. Pero ‘pag ako ang nanalong presidente, patay sa akin ‘yang mga endorsers n’yo!

1panama
#PanamaLeaks
Jinggoy: Basta ako, wala ang pangalan sa #PanamaLeaks na ‘yan. Ewan ko lang sa iba d’yan.

JV Ejercito: Basta ako, walang PLUNDER case. At hindi ako NAKAKULONG! Ewan ko lang sa iba d’yan.

Jinggoy:

JV: O, bakit? Sino ba’ng nauna?

#PanamaLeaks II
Borgy: Ma, the prime minister of Iceland resigned na after ma-expose na meron siyang offshore accounts.

Imee: Borgy, Iceland ‘yan. We’re in the Philippines.

Borgy: But Ma, the perception is we’re a family of thieves and we have offshore accounts.

Imee: That’s not true! We don’t have offshore accounts!

#PacquiaoAttack
(Backgrounder: Manny Pacquiao was verbally attacked by a stranger outside a Japanese restaurant in Las Vegas earlier this week.)
Attacker: Fuck you Pacquiao! Fuck you!

Pacquiao: God bless you.

Attacker: You homophobe!

Pacquiao:

Attacker: YOU HOMOPHOBE!

Pacquiao: Ano ‘yon?

1Kimwong
#BangladeshTheft
Jinggoy: Pare, ibinalik pala ni Kim Wong ‘yong ninakaw ng hackers sa gobyerno ng Bangladesh.

Bong: Nabasa ko nga. At pinuri pa siya online. Pogi points. Gawin din kaya natin ‘yon.

Jinggoy: Gago! Wala tayong ninakaw, remember?

Bong:

Jinggoy: Umayos ka.
————————————————————————————————————————–
“When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men in a society, over the course of time they create for themselves a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that glorifies it.”
~Frédéric Bastiat

Sound Bites
“Si Mar, bayot. Hindi niya kaya. Kaya ko kasi lalaki ako. Hindi ka lalaki Mar, paano ‘yan. Takot kang pumatay, takot kang mamatay. Subukan mo ako. Maghawak ka ng shabu sa harap ko, pasabugin ko sa ulo ko. You try holding shabu in my presence. ‘Pag ‘di kita binaril sa ulo, ‘tang-ina mo.”
~Mayor Duterte

“I am but a pawn in a highest-stakes chess games played by giants in international banking and high finance.”
~Maia Santos-Deguito, sacked RCBC branch manager

Elsewhere
The Panama Papers leak, explained with an adorable comic about piggy banks
Para madaling maintindihan, read this illustrated article.

Say no to thieves.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Panama Papers: CommonDreams.Org; NAIA Blackout: GMA News; Candidates: Philstar.com; Kim Wong: ABSCBN News]





MINUTES TO WIN IT

3 04 2013

CITING “credible sources within the administration,” Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says Kris Aquino is running for vice president in 2016. If that happens, isang iyak n’ya lang, sira ang kalaban.

I don’t know which was more shocking: Kris Aquino running for vice president or Archbishop Cruz cozying up with administration people.

1krisarch
Citing “sources within the administration,” Archbishop Oscar Cruz, controversial TV host Kris Aquino is running for vice president in 2016. Pilipinas Got Problem.

But the outspoken Archbishop sees “nothing wrong” with Kris Aquino seeking public office saying “it takes so little to qualify for public office.” To which Nancy Binay said, “I know!”

Last Tuesday, April 2, Archbishop Oscar Cruz reported hearing rumors that Kris Aquino’s running for vice president in 2016. If that’s an April Fools’ Day joke Archbishop, you’re a day late.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says he’s heard rumors that Kris Aquino is running for vice president in 2016. And in case you haven’t heard, Archbishop Cruz is the newest member of “The Buzz.”

jvjingg
JV vs. Jinggoy, Again
JV Ejercito declined Jinggoy Estrada’s offer to produce a TV advertisement endorsing his senatorial bid. Hurt by the rejection, Jinggoy declared that he’s entering a “state of war” with JV.

Political Ads
The Commmission on Elections revealed that from February 12 to March 22, UNA’s JV Ejercito was the top TV advertiser among senatorial candidates. Ejercito has consumed 26 minutes of airtime and 70 percent of Jinggoy’s patience.

Since the campaign period started, 17 senatorial aspirants with UNA’s JV Ejercito on top have consumed at least a minute of TV airtime. Surprisingly, Cynthia Villar was nowhere on the list. She has consumed all of 2012.

In local politics, Alfredo Lim and Joseph Estrada have both consumed 20 hours of mindless mudslinging.

As of March 22, Team PNoy’s Grace Poe and Alan Peter Cayetano have each consumed 60 minutes of MMK.

GMA Network had a total of 163.5 minutes of campaign ads – but that’s nothing compared to ‘Gandang Gabi Vice’ which had more than 10 episodes of political promos.

Pulse Asia
The latest Pulse Asia survey conducted from March 16 to 20 is out! Chiz Escudero has bounced back to No. 2. Sorry Ramon Tulfo! Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Ongpauco!

Pulse Asia conducted its survey at the height of the Heart-Chiz controversy. Pulse Asia to UNA: “Sorry talaga but we tried our best.”

The survey’s biggest loser was JV Ejercito who lost 5.2 percentage points. Jinggoy Estrada’s closest friends chorused: “Pa-burger ka naman! Burger! Burger!”

Satisfied
According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 4 out of 5 Filipinos are satisfied with their life.The survey was conducted in Congress.

In a recent SWS survey, 81 percent of Filipinos said they were satisfied with their life. The rest were honest.

Noynoy Vetoes Bill
President Aquino refused to sign into law a proposed measure that would have allowed short people to join the police force. This is all your fault GMA!

Absenteeism
Some senatorial candidates say a stiff fine must be imposed on lawmakers who are always absent in sessions. And Jules Ledesma was like, “Keri lang!”

KJUOverseas…
North Korea has declared war against South Korea. That’s really bad. The only thing worse is Kim Jong Un’s haircut.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un threatens to “dissolve” the United States. Shouldn’t he dissolve his excess fat first?

Born to a former leader, Kim Jong Un is a spoiled, bratty, attention-seeking person who’s reportedly fond of basketball players. Are we sure he’s not an Aquino?
————————————————————-
“Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them.”
~Dick Francis, To the Hilt

1ERQuote of the Weak
“Hindi naman ako ordinaryong governor. Artista rin ako. At ‘di ako basta-bastang artista. Ako si Asiong Salonga at ako si El Presidente!”
~Re-electionist Laguna Governor ER Ejercito (Via TVPatrol/Kampanyaserye)

“Some people, when they grow old, they become elder statesmen. Some people when they grow old, they become rumormongers.”
~Palace spokesperson Edwin Lacierda on Archbishop Oscar Cruz

Enjoy the rest of the week!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer/MPQ3/Mirror-UK/Yahoo-OMGPH]








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