jueteng – THE PROFESSIONAL HECKLER

The First 100 Days

AT A TOWN HALL EVENT held Thursday at La Consolacion College in Manila, President Aquino gave his report on his first 100 days in office. Just like what he did in his first SONA, the President began with the basics or ABCs – Arroyo Bashing Comments.

Monkeys
President Aquino compared the previous administration to the pictorial maxim of the three wise monkeys who “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.” Insulted allies of former President Arroyo vow to retaliate as soon as they get out of their cage.

The President lamented, “Malalim at malawak po ang mga problemang minana natin.” Someone in the audience was heard asking, “Ilang ektarya ba ang Hacienda Luisita?”

President Aquino also reported, “Naisaayos natin sa loob lamang ng isandaang araw ang hindi nagawa ng dating administrasyon sa loob ng tatlong libo, apat na raan, apatnapu’t walong (3,448) araw.” And former President Arroyo was like, “Oh yeah, you had eight Hong Kong nationals killed.”

Developments
The President also said, “Paulit-ulit po nating ididiin: trabaho ang pangunahing agenda ng ating administrasyon.” Now we know why Enrico Puno still has a job.

The Chief Executive also boasted, “Nagkakaisa nang muli ang ating lipunan.” Then everyone at the venue felt awkward when he added, “’Yan din dasal ko para sa aking gabinete.”

Citing recent progress in the weather bureau, President Aquino said, “Maling sistema at maling palakad ang nanligaw sa pagtataya ng panahon.” – to which Dr. Prisco Nilo said, “Can we just move on?”

In his report to the nation, President Aquino did not mention anything about jueteng, his controversial shooting buddy Enrico Puno, and the reported factions in the Cabinet. Hear no evil. See no evil. Speak no evil.

President Aquino likewise slammed people whom he described as, “mga kapit-tuko sa puwesto.” At home, monitoring the speech on TV, napalunok na lang ang pamilya Binay.

The Cabinet
When President Aquino delivered his report to the nation on his first 100 days, members of his official cabinet came in full force – amid the reported conflict between the Balay Group and the Samar Group. Other attendees said there was no tension whatsoever between the two factions. It was like AKRho and Tau Gamma in a truce.

The Q&A Portion
After his speech, the President held a town hall meeting with sectoral representatives. The Q&A portion went smoothly as planned. Practice makes perfect!

Some people said President Aquino’s town hall meeting on Thursday appeared to be scripted. In fact, did you hear about the “student-hecklers” from UP Manila? They read their protest slogans from the teleprompter.

Student leaders from UP Manila “interrupted’ President Aquino’s town hall meeting at La Consolacion College Thursday. The President managed to keep his cool though. But a tense moment still ensued when Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim suddenly appeared and yelled, “Posasan na rin ang mga ‘yan! Dalhin n’yo sa Tondo!”

When a group of student leaders interrupted his meeting with sectoral representatives, tv cameras caught President Aquino with a shocked stare. The only other time he wore the same expression was when Shalani Soledad told him, “We’re done!”

While President Aquino was talking about cures for the problems of the country, his sister Kris was tweeting about remedies for her FMD. Magkapatid nga sila!

The President’s Sister
Kris Aquino, the president’s youngest sister told the whole world via Twitter that she has foot and mouth disease. In less than 24 hours, the tweet has become viral.

Kris Aquino has FMD. Joey Marquez has denied responsibility for the viral infection.

Did you hear the news? President Aquino’s sister, Kris Aquino is sick. She has FMD. Nah, not ‘Fresh Meat Deficiency.’ It’s foot and mouth disease.

Actually, Kris Aquino has been tweeting about her FMD for almost a year now. Nahh, not FMD as in foot and mouth disease. It’s her other FMD: ‘First Marriage in Disarray.’

On her Twitter account, Kris Aquino said, “Rare daw for an adult to get hawa but u know me — lapitin ng sakit.” Dahil d’yan, may nagteexxxt: “Correction: ikaw ang lumalapit. – Sakit.”

Satisfied?
According to a recent survey conducted by Social Weather Stations, 7 of 10 Filipinos were satisfied with President Aquino’s performance. The other three were monkeys.
——————-
“We believe that to err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.”
~Hubert Humphrey

Breaking News
Less than a week after the reported break up of President Aquino and Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad, people are now talking about the President’s new apple of the eye. According to dzRH news anchors Deo Macalma and Ruth Abao, the new girl is a junior reporter of TV5. She’s a former child actress and former UP court side reporter in the UAAP. My gulay! She’s too young! May plano ba ang Pangulo na palitan sa trono si Mang Dolphy? The reporter’s name? Patricia Ann Roque.

Reacting to the rumor,Trish tweeted The Professional Heckler. She said
“Huwaaat?! No! I don’t get to talk to PNoy naman eh. Wow, where did that come from?! The last time na na-cover ko sya was his first weekend as president. Yun na yun. Lord, why me?! Hahahaha!”

This just in: Palace insiders denied rumors that President Aquino’s all-time favorite movie is Daddy’s Angel (starring Patricia Ann Roque and ex-basketeer Jayvee Gayoso). Who’s your daddy Patricia? Who’s your daddy! 🙂 Good luck! 🙂

Survey Says…
Prangkahan na. Ano ka:
– Pro-choice. Pass the Reproductive Health Bill! Now na! 88.77%
– Pro-life. No to Reproductive Health Bill! Never! 9.77%
– Hindi ko alam ang isyu. 1.46%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
ABS-CBN News (Lynda Jumilla): PNoy’s 1st 100 days marked by factionalism

GMA News: No time for dates: PNoy’s 1st 100 days show unique style

Earth Times.Org: Aquino on track despite missteps in first 100 days

Newsbreak: ‘Honorable candidate’ left his girl again?

Postscript: See photo of the three monkeys above. Nagkataon lang pong kahawig ng dating pangulo ‘yong third monkey. Hindi po sinadya ‘yon.

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

EXCOMMUNICATION

BREAKING NEWS: Malacañang has denied rumors that President Aquino has abandoned Roman Catholicism for another religion. Likewise, palace sources insist there’s no truth to rumors that the President is forming his own ministry called, “Ang Tuwid na Daan.”

The CBCP’s Threat
Interviewed on Radio Veritas, CBCP president and Tandag, Surigao del Sur Bishop Nereo Odchimar said the Catholic Church might excommunicate President Aquino if the government pushed through with a plan to distribute contraceptives. In the same interview, Bishop Odchimar appealed to Andres Bonifacio and the Katipuneros to surrender to the Spanish government.

The CBCP’s Threat II
Malacañang is reportedly unfazed by CBCP president Nereo Odchimar’s excommunication threat. Palace insiders say President Aquino will neither bow to nor be cowed by the CBCP president… unless he’s Chinese.

This just in!
CBCP president Bishop Nereo Odchimar has denied saying that President Aquino may be excommunicated. He insisted that his statement was “taken out of context” and “blown out of proportion” by the media. “Taken out of context” and “Blown out of proportion” – Hmm, is Odchimar a member of the CBCP or the Presidential Communications Group?

Heckling Tour Guide
Social activist/Manila tour guide and Reproductive Health Bill advocate Carlos Celdran was arrested and detained Thursday for disrupting a mass at the Manila Cathedral. Dressed in a Jose Rizal-inspired outfit, Celdran stood in front of the altar, flashed a sign that read, “Damaso,” and shouted, “Stop getting involved in politics” in protest of the Church’ anti-RH Bill stance. Celdran was detained for almost 24 at the Manila Police District Station 5 in Ermita during which he started to write two novels.

Reports say Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim together with some soldiers, and policemen were attending mass at the Manila Cathedral when Carlos Celdran staged a solo protest action Thursday. Interviewed by GMA News, the police said it was Mayor Lim who ordered that Celdran be taken into custody. Lim is expected to deny that.

Manila tour guide Carlos Celdran was detained for disrupting a mass at the Manila Cathedral Thursday. The visibly upset priest decided to cut short the mass… and ordered Basilio and Crispin to usher Celdran out of the cathedral.

Light Bites: Modern Dictionary
Ex.Communication, noun: Term that may be used to describe Secretaries Herminio Coloma, Ricky Carandang and Atty. Edwin Lacierda if they don’t get their act together
Example: Uy, ex.communication group head na pala si blah-blah! Kailan pa?

The IIRC Report: Reviewed
Malacañang says Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa and Chief Presidential Legal Counsel Eduardo de Mesa have finished reviewing the IIRC report on the August 23 hostage crisis. Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda says the results of the review will be posted at http://www.gov.ph. It will be uploaded five hours after it appears on www.gov.cn.

Miriam vs. Chavit
There’s an ongoing war between Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago and Ilocos Sur Governor Luis “Chavit’ Singson. The rift surprises a number of people mainly because neither Miriam nor Chavit belongs to either the Balay or the Samar Group.

On her Twitter account, Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago called Ilocos Sur Governor Luis Singson, “Sabit Singson.” Singson retaliated by calling Santiago, “Brenda” on his Friendster shoutout.

Splitsville?
Persistent rumors say President Aquino and his girlfriend have called it quits. Observers believe the President would have not quit on the girl if her name was “Smoking.”

President Aquino and his girlfriend reportedly broke up. And Enrico Puno was like, “Don’t look at me!”

Rumors say the President and his girlfriend have separated. And Kris Aquino was like, “Win na Win!”

No to Smoking
Valenzuela City Councilor Shalani Soledad has endorsed the Philippine Medical Association’s new smoking ban policy. And people were like, “Ahh, break na nga!”

In Entertainment
An amended petition filed by the lawyers of Kris Aquino claims the TV host and James Yap both have “personality disorders” since their youth. And I was like, is that even news?
———————————-
“That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion”
~ REM, Losing My Religion

Survey Says
Sa isyu ng impeachment case laban kay Ombudsman Gutierrez, ano ang dapat gawin ng Kongreso:
– ITULOY ang pagdinig kahit labag sa order ng Supreme Court! 40.7%
– SUNDIN ang status quo ante order ng Korte para walang gulo. 47.98%
– Hindi ko alam ang isyu. 11.32%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter:

PR

(PERHAPS) THE MOST POPULAR FILIPINO today is in the United States of America right now: very much single, ordinary-looking, a mother’s pet, well-loved by the whole nation, and doing all the best to generate income before returning soon to the country. So far, so good. Congratulations… Charice!

The President’s Speech
On Saturday, President Aquino addressed the UN General Assembly in New York. Rumors say some attendees representing UN-member nations complained when an advance copy of Aquino’s speech was given to the representative of China.

The Two Presidents
President Aquino and US President Barack Obama have finally met face to face. Reports say the two leaders instantly clicked as friends. In fact, they now have a nickname for each other, Lights and Menthol.

The President’s Hotdog
Did you know that the government paid an American PR firm for President Aquino’s official trip to the United States? Malacañang wasn’t informed though that the same firm is also doing PR work for a chain of hotdog stalls on the streets of New York.

Palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda defended President Aquino when the latter ate hotdog sandwiches with Finance Secretary Cesar Purisima, former senator Mar Roxas, some Filipino reporters, and his security detail on a New York City sidewalk. Lacierda said the President spent only $54 for hotdog sandwiches… but millions of dollars for PR.

The idea of President Aquino eating hotdogs on a New York City sidewalk was criticized by a number of Filipinos. All of them were Samar Group members.

The President’s Shooting Buddy
Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno plans to submit a courtesy resignation when President Aquino returns from the United States next week. Let’s all hope he doesn’t forget his plan.

President Aquino said he would not accept the courtesy resignation of his shooting buddy, Interior Undersecretary Enrico Puno. According to the President, everyone is “entitled to due process” adding that he “cannot just have him hanged” just because someone asked him to do so – to which former PAGASA chief Prisco Nilo said, “Yeah right!”

The President’s Cousin
On meeting with Archbishop Oscar Cruz, businessman Tony Boy Cojuangco said, “Anybody has to help the government do its functions and this was my way of helping.” TO everyone reading this blog right now, let us all help the government do its functions. Bisitahin natin si retired Archbishop Oscar Cruz! Now na!

After his name was dragged into the jueteng controversy, an irate Antonio “Tony Boy” Cojuangco lectured the media on reporting. When the President learned about Cojuangco’s critique of the media, he asked him to become a member of the IIRC.

With his name being dragged into the jueteng scandal, a visibly upset Tony Boy Cojuangco lectured members of the media on how to handle information from wild sources. Slighted by Cojuangco’s sermon, the media lectured him on how to handle a live-in partner gone wild.

Tony Boy Cojuangco’s live-in partner, actress Gretchen Barretto was reportedly shocked when she heard her husband’s name during the Senate hearing on jueteng payola. To give you an idea of how shocked Barretto was, her face moved.

The Governor
Ilocos Sur Governor Luis “Chavit” Singson has denied any links to jueteng operations as exposed by Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago. So, ano ‘yon? Set up na naman?

Charice!
Filipina teen singing sensation Charice was praised for her impressive debut on the hit US TV series “Glee.” Despite her success, Charice has remained humble and down-to-earth. In fact, she’s going to New York tomorrow to eat hotdogs on a sidewalk.
—————————–
“A reputation once broken may possibly be repaired, but the world will always keep their eyes on the spot where the crack was.”
~Joseph Hall

Survey Says
Sa kinasasangkutang mga kontrobersya ni Undersecretary Enrico Puno:
– Hintayin ang desisyon ng pangulo. 6.98%
– Resign! Now na! 90.91%
– Pag-iisipan ko muna. 2.11%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

TESTING!

NAKAKAWINDANG.
NAKAKALITO.
Nakakainis.
Nakakagulo.
Wala pa mang isandaang araw sa puwesto, sunud-sunod na ang intrigang ibinabato, at sari-sari nang problema ang nakikipagbuno sa administrasyon ni Pangulong Aquino. Nasusundan n’yo pa ba ang mga pangyayari sa bansang ito? Sige nga, subukan n’yo.

Panuto: Piliin ang titik ng sagot na para sa ‘yo ay tumutugon sa bawat tanong. Bawal mag-Google ng sagot. Walang mandadaya. Sabi nga ng ating pangulo, panahon na para tahakin ang landas na matuwid! You have 45 minutes. Good luck!

1: Ano ang opisyal na katungkulan sa pamahalaan ni Ginoong Enrico E. Puno?
A: Secretary ng DILG
B: Shooting buddy ni presidente
C: Interior Undersecretary
D: Tulay ng jueteng emissary

2: Ano ang ibinigay na dahilan ni Pangulong Aquino nang ibunyag nitong “acting” secretary lamang ng DILG si Ginoong Jesse Robredo?
A: “We had some differences during the campaign as to style.”
B: “My uncle Peping doesn’t really like him.”
C: “He’s got no interest in practical shooting.”
D: “Our relationship is still in the getting-to-know-you stage.”

3: Sa isang panayam sa ANC, nagmungkahi ng tatlong pangalan si Undersecretary Rico Puno na puwede raw ipalit kay DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo. Sinu-sino ang tatlong ‘yon?
A: Jejomar Binay, Edward Hagedorn, at Alfredo Lim
B: Jessica Soho, Luchi Cruz-Valdez at Maria Ressa
C: Rodrigo Duterte, Avelino Razon, at Jesus Versoza
D: Jake Maderazo, Erwin Tulfo, at Michael Rogas

4: Ayon kay Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, magkano ang buwanang jueteng payola na tinatanggap ng dalawang high-ranking trusted officials ni Pangulong Aquino?
A: Dalawang milyong piso bawat isa
B: Ang liit naman no’n!
C: Oo nga, cheap!
D: Limang milyon bawat isa!

5: Pinuri ng palasyo ang bagong talagang pinuno ng kapulisan na si Deputy Director General Raul Bacalzo dahil sa pangako nitong susugpuin ang jueteng at mga ilegal na sugal. In particular, anong policy ni Bacalzo sa PNP ang inilarawan ni palace spokesman Edwin Lacierda as “effective?”
A: “No ID, No Entry policy” – Bawal ang pulis na walang ID sa venue ng bolahan
B: “One strike policy” – Kapag may jueteng sa nasasakupan, sibak ang police directors!
C: “Honesty is the best policy” – Ang magsasabi ng totoo, mapu-promote!
D: “One China policy” – Doble effort sa pagtugis kung gambling lord ay Chinese

6: “It was a disastrous example of incompetence, political factionalism and lack of national leadership.” Ang linyang ito ay mula sa isang artikulong lumabas noong September 6 sa Asian edition ng The Wall Street Journal. Pinamagatang, “Noynoy flunks his first test,” ang kumentaryo tungkol sa palpak na pagresolba ng pamahalaan sa August 23 hostage crisis ay sinulat ni/ng…
A: Isang perpektong mamamahayag
B: Former president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
C: Maria Ressa, pinuno ng ABS-CBN News & Current Affairs
D: Ricky Lo

7: Isinumite na kay Pangulong Aquino ang 83-page report ng Incident Investigation and Review Committee na pinamumunuan ni Justice Secretary Leila De Lima hinggil sa August 23 hostage crisis. Ngunit ayon kay Communications Strategy Secretary Ricky Carandang, ito raw ang plano ng palasyo:
A: Pagbalik na pagbalik ng Pangulo mula Amerika, isasapubliko
B: Bibigyan ng kopya ang Chinese embassy then, isasapubliko
C: Bibigyan ng kopya ang ANC then, ang Chinese embassy
D: Bibigyan ng kopya ang Chinese embassy, ang ANC, then isasapubliko

8: Matapos humarap sa panel ng mga news anchors mula sa ABS-CBN, GMA-7 at TV5 noong September 9, may binitiwang linya si Pangulong Aquino patungkol sa August 23 hostage crisis sa kanyang closing statement. Natatandaan mo pa ba ‘yon?
A: “To Mr. Donald Tsang, I regret not taking your call.”
B: “To all Hong Kong nationals, apologies for the smile!”
C: “This incident will not define this administration.”
D: “To the angry Chinese community, kayo ang boss ko!”

9: Ang balita: tumawag kay Pangulong Aquino si Hong Kong Chief Executive Donald Tsang noong kasagsagan ng hostage crisis. Tumawag ba talaga? Ang sagot ni Presidential Communications and Operations Office Secretary Herminio ‘Sonny’ Coloma:
A: “Ma!”
B: “’Di po kapanipaniwala ‘yan dahil accessible siya sa lahat nang oras.”
C: “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
D: “Maghapon akong wala sa palasyo. Si Ricky ang tanungin n’yo!”

10: Sino si Michael Rogas?
A: RMN news anchor
B: Kung paniniwalaan ang sabi ng driver ng tourist bus, siya at si Mike Enriquez ay iisa
C: Biglang sikat na reporter
D: Hostage negotiator

11: Mahirap mang paniwalaan ngunit ito umano ang totoong nangyari. Nakatakas sa hostage taker ang ipinosas na bus driver na si Alberto Lubang sa pamamagitan ng:
A: Nail clipper
B: Pagkagat sa posas
C: Magic
D: Nail file

12: Bago mag-alas-siyete ng gabi noong August 23, isang estratehiya ang iminungkahi ni Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim kay Manila Police District head Chief Superintendent Rodolfo Magtibay upang maresolba ang hostage crisis. Ano ‘yon?
A: “Kapag ‘di sumuko, dalhin sa Tondo ang kapatid n’yan at iligpit!”
B: “Ang pinag-usapan namin ni Magtibay, pagurin si Mendoza!”
C: “Bahala na si Isko Moreno sa inyo. Kakain muna ako!”
D: “Sugurin na kasi ang bus para matapos na!”

13: Ayon sa Newsbreak, “Guess who was drunk as a skunk just days after the Luneta bloodbath.” Opisyal ito ng pamahalaan na umano’y namataan sa lobby ng Manila Peninsula na lasing na lasing dakong 2AM last August 27. Sino siya?
A: Joseph Estrada
B: Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa
C: DSWD Secretary Dinky Soliman
D: Have I mentioned Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa?

14: “Ang pakiusap ko ay huwag n’yo itong gawing telenovela.” Ito ang apela ni Social Welfare Secretary Soliman kaugnay ng isyung:
A: Pag-abandona kay Gulf Air baby George Francis
B: Hidwaan ng Balay Group at Samar Group sa gabinete
C: Kinukuwestyong 123% increase sa budget ng DSWD
D: Hiwalayang Shalani at Noynoy

15: Ipinagbabawal na ng DepEd ang pagbibigay ng homework sa mga mag-aaral kapag weekend. Bakit daw?
A: Upang makapaglaro at makapag-bond sa pamilya
B: Upang isulong ang social skills ng mga bata through Facebook
C: Upang maiwasan ang dayaan sa mga sagot
D: Upang makatipid sa lapis at papel

16: Kung sina Budget Secretary Butch Abad at Presidential Management Staff Chief Julia Abad ay mag-ama; sina DOST Secretary Mario Montejo at Executive Secretary Paquito Ochoa ay mag-bayaw, at magkapatid naman sina SSS President Emilio De Quiros Jr. at Inquirer columnist Conrado De Quiros, mag-ano naman sina Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo at Vice President Jejomar Binay?
A: Magkaalyado (Samar Group)
B: Magkapitbahay
C: Fraternity brothers (Alpha Phi Omega)
D: Magka-kulay

17. Kung may bad news, may good news! Ayon kay Tourism Sec. Alberto Lim, tatlong porsiyento lamang ng turismo sa Pilipinas ang naapektuhan ng August 23 hostage crisis. Yehey! Maiba ako, kilala n’yo ba kung sinong broadcast journalist ang kapatid ni Secretary Lim?
A: Mel Tiangco. Middle name n’ya ay Lim, right?
B: Jessica Soho. Magkapatid sila sa ina, ‘di ba?
C: Cheche Lazaro. Maiden name niya Lim, tama?
D: Susan Enriquez. Hindi kita pipilitin kung ayaw mong maniwala. Siya ‘yon!

18: At press time ay mahigit 160,000 na ang followers ni Pangulong Aquino sa Twitter. Ang tanong: ilan naman ang pina-follow niya?
A: Wala. Suplado!
B: More than 10,000
C: Less than 20
D: Wala akong pakialam! Hindi ako nagtu-Twitter!

19: Miss Universe 2010: “What is one big mistake that you made in your life, and what did you do to make it right?” Sino ang nagtanong nito kay Maria Venus Raj?
A: William Baldwin
B: Alec Baldwin
C: Stephen Baldwin
D: Michael Rogas

20: Sino ang babaeng ito?

A: Ang ina ni Gulf Air baby George Francis
B: Lilia Pineda, asawa ng alleged jueteng lord
C: Sandra Cam, jueteng whistleblower
D: Amy Austria, mahusay na aktres

21: Sino naman ang lalaking ito?

A: SPO2 Gregorio Mendoza, kapatid ng napatay na hostage taker
B: RMN reporter/anchor Michael Rogas
C: Insp. Bismark Mendoza, bunsong anak ng napatay na hostage taker
D: Uuuutang na loob, tigilan n’yo na si Michael Rogas!
———————————
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”
~Will Rogers

Survey Says
Naniniwala ba kayo sa alegasyong tumatanggap ng jueteng payola si Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno?
-OO! Posible! 80.92%
-HINDI! Paninira lang! 1.78%
-Hintayin nating matapos ang imbestigasyon. 17.3%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

GRILLED

The New PNP Chief
Earlier this week, President Aquino appointed Deputy Director General Raul Bacalzo as the new chief of the Philippine National Police. Sought for reaction after his appointment, Bacalzo said, “Grabe! Para akong tumama sa jueteng!”

Newly-appointed PNP chief Deputy Director General Raul Bacalzo said “I’m ordering my regional and district directors to eradicate jueteng and all forms of illegal gambling,” – to which the regional and district directors said, “Sir, saan n’yo kami gustong magsimula? Sa puno?”

The Undersecretary
Rumors say the jueteng allegation has been taking its toll on Undersecretary Rico Puno. Of late, he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, and he couldn’t resist TV and radio guestings.

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno denied allegations he was on the take from jueteng operators… but few people believed him. That’s one of the perils of being a Puno in government.

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno has reportedly offered to step down. As of press time though, he’s still there. If he doesn’t resign in 11 days, President Aquino will take the cudgels for him.

ABS-CBN’s informant revealed that Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno is one of two high-ranking government officials who allegedly receive monthly jueteng payola. ABS-CBN has declined to identify its informant… out of respect for Archbishop Cruz’ request to remain anonymous.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno

No. 5: Close Encounters of the Emissary Kind

No. 4: Kung Fu Pineda

No. 3: Jueteng to Exhale

No. 2: Look Who’s Taking!

And the No. 1 movie remake starring Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno…

Y Tu Mamá Tumbok ng otsenta, sahod ng beinte

The Senate Probe
Senators are set to conduct a fresh investigation into the jueteng controversy. If nothing comes out of the probe, they’ll invite TV news executives and blame them for reporting about jueteng.

News Execs Grilled
Last Tuesday, senators grilled television news executives and a couple of radio news anchors in connection with the bungled hostage rescue. ABS-CBN’s Maria Ressa tried to explain their side. GMA 7’s Jessica Soho tried to defend their action. RMN’s Michael Rogas tried to negotiate.

GMA News executive Jessica Soho admitted that after the August 23 hostage crisis, she and ABS-CBN news chief Maria Ressa became textmates. In fairness though, Ressa also tried to text TV5 news head Luchi Cruz-Valdez about the incident but she got disappointed when Luchi replied, “Hu u?”

Light Bites
Q: What has three heads, six legs and gives conflicting statements?
A: The Presidential Communications Group

Q: What has six legs, four eyes, and goes Ngoorkkzz?
A: A drunk executive secretary slumped on a chair
——————————-
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”
– Kin Hubbard

Survey Says
Dapat bang pangalanan ni Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz ang high ranking officials na umano’y tumatanggap ng jueteng payola?
– OO! Now na! 84.23%
– HINDI! Trabaho ng DILG ‘yan! 5.18%
– Bahala s’ya. It’s up to him. 10.59%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

GAMBLE

Jueteng Payola
Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, an anti-illegal numbers game crusader revealed that two trusted officials of President Noynoy Aquino have been receiving at least 2 million pesos in monthly payola from jueteng operators. Cruz did not confirm rumors that one official belongs to the Balay Group while the other, to the Samar Group.

Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno admits receiving feelers from gambling operators asking how to operate jueteng under the Aquino administration. The negotiations failed though because Puno was “not trained to handle such situation.”

President Aquino has reportedly ordered Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo to come up with a comprehensive plan to wipe out jueteng in the country. The plan is expected to be in place before Robredo is wiped out from the Cabinet.

Reports say jueteng emissaries have tried to approach Rico Puno. See?!? Even gambling operators know who the “real” DILG secretary is.

Puno’s Suggestions
Interviewed on ANC, Interior Undersecretary Rico Puno suggested three names for DILG: retired PNP Chief Jesus Versoza, defeated Manila mayoral candidate Avelino Razon, and Davao City’s Rodrigo Duterte. Puno is so close to the President, he’s not just a DILG undersecretary, he has also become the head of the palace search committee.

Hostage Fiasco and Tourism
The government says the August 23 hostage fiasco in Manila affected only 3 percent of local tourism… and 97 percent of President Aquino’s relationship with Sec. Jesse Robredo.

No Conspiracy
The IIRC panel that investigated the August 23 hostage crisis has ruled out the possibility that bus driver Alberto Lubang has conspired with hostage taker Rolando Mendoza. But the panel is not ruling out yet the alleged conspiracy between Lubang’s nail file and Mendoza’s handcuffs.

NPC vs. Ang See
The National Press Club criticized IIRC panel member Teresita Ang See for blaming RMN’s Michael Rogas and Erwin Tulfo during the clarificatory hearings on the recent hostage fiasco. The NPC was reportedly surprised when they heard Ang See’s outburst… although Ang See was more surprised when she heard that there’s still such a thing as NPC.

Truth Commission
Members of the Truth Commission have taken their oath before President Aquino. The commission is expected to finish its job in two years. Malacañang did not reveal each member’s salary rate but the President was heard telling them, “Remember: no truth, no commission.”

Government Wins vs. Marcoses
The government has won a 10 million-peso lawsuit against Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos. It was the government’s first win in 10 million cases against the Marcoses.
————————–
“I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind.”
~Steve Allen

Personal
To the mother of this baby who was found in a trash bin of a Gulf Air flight that landed in Manila on Sunday, I don’t wanna judge you this early but still… shame on you!

More Personal: I was there!
Congratulations to the winners of the 2010 UAAP-Samsung Cheerdance Competition. The top three teams were clearly in a different league this year. The final ranking:
Champion: UP Pep Squad – 440.9 points (Wohoo!)
1st Runner Up: FEU Cheering Squad – 421.4 points (My personal fave)
2nd Runner Up: UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe – 407.5 points (Thanks to the UP-friendly crowd)
Fourth: Ateneo Blue Babble Battalion (Not this time! Ha-ha)
Fifth: DLSU Animo Squad (The tumblin’ girl was awesome!)
Sixth: UE Pep Squad (It’s hard to perform 1st)
Seventh: NU Pep Squad (Henry Sy’s investment in motion)
Eight: Adamson Pep Squad (What happened guys?)

Special Award: Samsung Stunner, a member of the DLSU Animo Squad

Trivia: The UP Pep Squad has now won the cheerdance contest in both years (2007, 2010) the UP Fighting Maroons ended the UAAP basketball season without a single win.

Survey Says
Prangkahan na! Sa umano’y dalawang paksyon sa administrasyong Aquino, mas na-kanino ang simpatya mo?
Team Balay 8.42%
Team Samar 4.08%
Wala! 87.5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

Elsewhere
Philippine Daily Inquirer (Daxim Lucas): The “missing” Communications Group head, and the Castilaloy businessman [Sobrang giveaway na blind items!]

Australian Brian Gorrell says controversial “Gucci Gang” member Delfin Justiniano Ocampo Montano II has been arrested in the US.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

[Share this on Facebook and Twitter: ]

EXPOSED!

Laxon_expose
Lacson vs. Estrada
In Part 1 of his three-part privilege speech titled “Ang Dalawang Mukha ng Sining,” opposition senator Panfilo Lacson exposed Joseph Estrada’s extensive links to illegal gambling, smuggling, extortion, and other abuses during his term as president including the convicted plunderer’s possible involvement in the abduction and murder of PR practitioner Bubby Dacer and his driver Emmanuel Corbito. Sought for reaction, Estrada said, “Bakit ako matatakot sa 30 percent pa lamang na exposé? Mas nakakatakot ang kay Noynoy, 50 percent!”

Sen. Panfilo Lacson delivered an explosive speech linking former president Joseph Estrada to illegal gambling operations, big time smuggling, extortion, and other abuses during his presidency including his possible involvement in the gruesome murder of PR man Bubby Dacer. Observers believe this could have been the year’s most shocking political story… had not Sen. Mar Roxas proposed to Korina live on Wowowee.

manyuch Filipino-Chinese tycoon Alfonso Yuchengco confirmed Senator Lacson’s exposé that he was coerced to selling his PLDT shares to Manny Pangilinan in 1998. Asked to comment on Yuchengco’s revelation, Pangilinan said, “Chika lang ‘yun! Promise!”

jingg After Senator Lacson’s privilege speech, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada took the floor to denounce what he called “a clear vilification drive against my father” and warned, “If this gentleman does not stop spreading lies about my father, I will tell the truth about the person of Senator Lacson.” Inspired by Jinggoy’s reaction, Sen. Manuel Villar Jr. rose from his seat, looked at a surprised Sen. Jamby Madrigal and threatened, “If this lady does not stop spreading lies about C5 road, I will tell the truth about the person of Senator Madrigal.”

In Part 1 of his three-part exposé on former president Joseph Estrada titled “Ang Dalawang Mukha ng Sining,” Sen. Panfilo Lacson detailed his former boss’ involvement in illegal gambling, smuggling, extortion, and other abuses during his short-lived presidency. After listening to Lacson’s speech, every single person in the Estrada household was reportedly stunned. In fact, former senator Loi Ejercito was so shocked… for the first time in several years, her face moved!

estrada_family
Top 5 Rejected Working Titles for Senator Panfilo Lacson’s Upcoming Privilege Speeches Against the Estrada Family

No. 5: “Ang Dalawa’t Kalahating Baba ni Jinggoy”

No. 4: “Ang Walong Kabit ni Erap”

No. 3: “Ang Nawawalang Leeg ni JV”

No. 2: “Ang Dalawang Katauhan ni Jude”

And the No. 1 rejected working title for Senator Panfilo Lacson’s upcoming privilege speech against the Estrada family…

“Through the Years: Ang Apat na Ilong ni Senator Loi Ejercito”

noys SWS Survey
Reports say Sen. Noynoy Aquino topped the latest Social Weather Stations survey conducted in major regions of Luzon earlier this month. Noynoy got 50 percent; the other 50 went to the Pink Sisters.

SWS Survey II
The latest SWS survey showed that the Noynoy Aquino-Mar Roxas tandem was the most preferred by voters in Luzon. The least preferred was the Mar Roxas-Korina Sanchez tandem.

GMA’s US Trip
President Arroyo has canceled her scheduled trip to New York. The president made the decision after getting information that not a single solon was willing to foot the bill at Le Cirque this time.

kabaya Noli’s Decision
The Philippine Daily Inquirer reported that Vice President Noli De Castro has rejected the offer of Lakas-CMD-Kampi to join the party. Sought for comment, De Castro explained, “Bakit ka kakandidato pa, kung sa offer pa lang ni Villar ay panalo na!”
__________
“Revenge is a confession of pain”
~Latin Proverb

korina_rg Elsewhere: RG Cruz vs. Korina Sanchez
I received a letter three days ago but opted to verify its authenticity first before writing about it lest I be accused again of spreading black propaganda against a certain Korina Sanchez.

Just so you know, there’s an ongoing “war” between a certain Korina Sanchez and RG Cruz, a journalist from ABS-CBN.

Reports say a certain Korina Sanchez, through an open letter, has asked her superiors at ABS-CBN to probe RG for his not so flattering Facebook comments about the ex-future First Lady. [Pati ba naman Facebook status, patulan?!]

A portion of the ex-future First Lady’s letter to management menacingly reads:
“So to you, RG Cruz, I say, I hope that — as your Facebook entry narrated — as you were “eating chocolate” and indulging your gastronomical cravings while events at Club Filipino on the 2nd of September 2009 were unfolding and all you could think of and delight in, as written in your Facebook, are your cruel attacks, pettiness, inanities and insensitivities to the sacrifice of others and, horror of horrors, make these public — you will, henceforth, attempt to save yourself from the very real prospect of disappearing, leaving this world without a trace, no better and even worse than when you found it.”

Here’s the letter in full as posted in the blog of lawyer Marichu Lambino.

Da Who?
Very reliable sources say a lawmaker who has “links” to showbiz is hooked on prohibited drugs. Because of the addiction, he is frequently absent in sessions. A TV show is currently working on the story but I seriously doubt if the lawmaker would grant an interview… unless he’s prepared to lose in the 2010 polls. Hint: Check out your calendar.

Survey Says…
Who should be the standard bearer of the administration party?
Noli De Castro: 8%
Bayani Fernando: 22%
Ronaldo Puno: 1%
Gilbert Teodoro: 14%
I don’t care: 55%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

GMA AT 62

birthdaygirl
Top 10 Ways the President Celebrated Her 62nd Birthday

No. 10: Hosted a Snow White-themed costume party. Guess who came as the 8th dwarf?

No. 9: When the clock struck 12, she wore a polka dot shirt and jumped up and down until she got tired.

No. 8: Participated in the reenactment of the annual Palm Sunday feast to commemorate the triumphant entry of Jesus into Jerusalem. She played the role of an ass.

No. 7: The same way she spent her 30th birthday. Let’s just say, the First Gentleman has never felt this “young” and exhausted again. (Eeew!)

No. 6: Was invited by a certain Mrs. Pineda to be the guest of honor in a special “President’s Birthday Draw” of a “numbers game” in her native Pampanga.

No. 5: “Nothing much. Ash my father would alwayssh shay, jussht do what ish right. Do what ish bessht. And God will take care of the ressht.“

No. 4: Declined the birthday presents from her children. Instead, she was the one who gave them gifts. For Luli, a book: Herb Kay’s “How to Get Filthy, Stinking Rich and Still Have Time for Great Sex!” For Mikey: an early endorsement for his 2010 gubernatorial bid in Pampanga, and for Dato: his own legislative district in Bicol.

No. 3: Got a surprise production number from her two sons Mikey and Dato, brother-in-law Iggy, and staunch House ally Prospero Nograles. They all performed the cha-cha.

No. 2: Didn’t sleep until 4am hoping she’d get a pre-dawn birthday call from US President Barack Obama.

And the No. 1 way the president celebrated her 62nd birthday…

Ordered the release of another high-profile murderer.

Happy birthday Mrs. President!

______________________
“No one is ever too old to do a foolish thing.”
~ J. Sheridan Le Fanu

Survey Says…
Are you spending the Holy Week outside Metro Manila?
Yes: 66%
No: 27%
Undecided: 7%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

UP NEXT:Ever wonder what would happen if our presidential contenders dropped the “kaplastikan” in their premature political advertisements, and become genuinely honest about themselves instead? In his next post, the Professional Heckler will bring you: Presidentiables: The Awful Truth in 60 Seconds (First In A Series of Suggested TV Advertisements).

Plus: A special Lenten post. Abangan!

Share!

Like this:

Share!

Like this:

Share!

Like this:

Share!

Like this:

Share!

Like this:

Share!

Like this:

Share!

Like this:

Share!

Like this: