THE TRANSMISSION of election returns has slowed down. To give you an idea of how slow it has become, when the counting started, Chairman Brillantes didn’t have a single strand of white hair.

And when the counting started, the Philippines and Taiwan were still friends!

Last month, Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes Jr. predicted that 12 winning senators would be proclaimed in 48 hours after the polls. In making the bold prediction though, Brillantes failed to disclose something – he was of Mayan descent.

Winners All
In the 2013 midterm elections, Grace Poe emerged as the biggest winner. She was closely followed by ABS-CBN and GMA Network.

Losing in the initial tally, reelectionist Mayor Mariano Malones Sr. of Maasin, Iloilo conceded defeat to his opponent Elben Malaga only to win by FIVE votes after the final count. Malaga is filing a case against Malones for giving him false hope.

Also reelected was the controversial Albay governor Joey Salceda. Bongga!

Camarines Sur’s youngest governor Migz Villafuerte vows to continue the Villafuerte legacy. Cam Sur is still one of the poorest provinces in the country. You might want to reconsider that hijo.

After serving time for drug possession, Ronald Singson is back in Ilocos, back in politics, and back in Congress. He refuses to go back to Hong Kong though.

Atty. Leni Robredo scored a landslide win against Nelly Villafuerte, the matriarch of the influential Villafuerte clan and dynasty of Camarines Sur. Robredo got 102,694 votes while Villafuerte got embarrassed.

Annabelle Concedes
Trounced by former lawmaker Raul Del Mar in Cebu’s north district, talent manager Annabelle Rama tweeted, “I shall return.” Cebuanos replied, “Don’t bother.”

After conceding defeat in Cebu, Annabelle Rama tweeted, “Its not the end of my political career.” Correction: It ended before it began.

Addressing her Twitter followers, defeated congressional candidate Annabelle Rama said, “Its not the end of my political career.” Netizens replied, “It’s.”

PCOSCelebs Win/Lose
Winning in the initial count, actor Aga Muhlach is now losing to Wimpy Fuentebella by a slim margin. “Now you know the feeling.” – Richard Gomez

Anjo Yllana won as councilor in Quezon City’s fifth district. It turned out that voters in that area in QC were former residents of Parañaque City.

Joey Marquez was unsuccessful yet again in Parañaque. In recent years, he’s been losing elections in the city. One more loss and he’ll just transfer to QC.

In Batangas, award-winning actor Christopher De Leon placed a distant third in the Congressional race while Joko Diaz failed to win as Board Member. Boyet and Joko couldn’t believe they lost – while voters couldn’t believe they’re from Batangas.

Imelda Papin lost her bid for a Congressional seat in San Jose Del Monte City in Bulacan. In related news, Papin has a new single: “Isang Linggong Hinagpis.”

Manny Pacquiao was reelected representative of the lone district of Sarangani. He was unopposed. Nobody’s interested to challenge Pacman anymore. Not the Chiongbians, not the Marquezes, not the Mayweathers.

Newly-proclaimed Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada says his top priority is fixing the problem of ‘peace and harmony.’ To prove his sincerity, he’ll start with Jinggoy and JV.

Actor E.R. Ejercito won the gubernatorial race in Laguna. And we don’t care. Period.
“Win without boasting. Lose without excuse.”
~Albert Payson Terhune

Sound Bites
“We had a dynasty, that I don’t deny. But no law states that is wrong.”
~Romeo Jalosjos of the Jalosjos dynasty of Zamboanga. Only 2 of 6 family members won in the last elections

AFP: A rogues’ gallery of election winners

Have a great weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


MONDAY, April 30 was the deadline for the filing of statement of assets, liabilities, and net worth… otherwise known as “Test of Honesty Day.”

President Aquino declared a net worth of more than P54.999 million in 2011. His previous net worth was P50.194 million. Under this administration, everything is really going up.

President Aquino’s net worth for 2011 was P54.999 million. Vice President Jejomar Binay’s net worth for the same year was P65.144 million. Binay is more valuable than Aquino.

Vice President Binay’s assets include 12 real properties, a flower shop business, a Ford Club Wagon, a Toyota Land Cruiser, and dozens of prepaid cellphones for the text blast.

Based on his SALN, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao is still the richest Filipino congressman. He has a personal fortune of P1.352. billion. His ‘assets’ include sports utility vehicles, houses, buildings, lots, and bank accounts. Under ’liability’ he wrote, “Chavit Singson.”

Of the 286 members of the Lower House, at least 279 are multimillionaires. By the way, have you been to the House of Representatives? It’s in Batasan Hills, Quezon City. Don’t worry, the building is easily recognizable. There’s a huge sign that reads, “This is where your taxes go.”

Leaders of the House of Representatives have denied requests for copies of the full version of the congressmen’s SALNs… making them potential candidates for magistrates of the Supreme Court.

A Social Weather Stations survey revealed that the number of poor Filipinos surged to 11.1 million or an increase of 10 percentage points in the first quarter of 2012. The number of poor people increased in almost all areas of the country… except in Batasan Complex.

Also Poor
Compared to his multimillionaire colleagues in the Lower House, Anakpawis Rep. Rafael Mariano made a measly P46,946.73 in 2011. That’s conduct unbecoming of a member of Congress.

What Poor?
A recent survey showed that the number of poor Filipinos grew by 10 percent. The MMDA has volunteered to help reduce the number by erecting huge walls to hide them.

BREAKING: Beauty queen Miriam Quiambao is defending the urban poor against the MMDA’s “beautification” project saying poverty is not a sin but a lie from the devil.

On Thursday, May 3, former senator Juan Miguel Zubiri was sworn in as a member of Partido ng Masang Pilipino (PMP). As Zubiri’s swearing-in was taking place, Koko Pimentel was swearing.

Juan Miguel Zubiri apologized to PMP chairman emeritus and former president Joseph Estrada for criticizing him when he was still Bukidnon representative. He didn’t say though if he would apologize to Koko Pimentel for depriving him a Senate seat.

Ex-senator Migz Zubiri has apologized to ex-president Erap Estrada for criticizing him several years ago. Zubiri has yet to apologize though for that lousy “Boom Tarat Tarat” campaign jingle.

Former senator Juan Miguel Zubiri says he is joining Partido ng Masang Pilipino because he supports its stand on issues like poverty alleviation, national sovereignty, and environmental protection. In short… ‘yeah right!’

Labor Day Rally
Despite the heavy rain, militants held a Labor Day rally at Don Chino Roces Bridge (formerly Mendiola Bridge) Tuesday. The demonstrators tried but failed to go all the way to Malacañang. Well, it’s not that easy. Just ask Manny Villar.

Mrs. Villar
Everyone’s talking about the TV ad of Villar Foundation, Inc. The premature campaigning advertisement features former Congresswoman Cynthia Aguilar-Villar, wife of Sen. Manny Villar. The title of the ad is “Walang kadala-dala.”

Rumors say former congresswoman Cynthia Villar will run for senator next year. Just so you know, Mrs. Villar is a member of the rich Aguilar clan of Las Piñas. In fact, the jingle for her next TV ad goes something like, “Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng pera?”

Reports say a group of former drug dependents and alcoholics is applying for accreditation in order to participate in next year’s party-list elections. The Commission on Elections will likely junk the application since the group is already well-represented in Congress.

In Mexico
A 32-year-old woman from Coahuila state is reportedly pregnant with nine babies. You know what that means? A reality show!

Reports that a Mexican woman is pregnant with nine babies were found to be a hoax. Authorities said the mother was not even pregnant. She told lies that were so believable. She’s got a bright future in politics.
“One day the poor will have nothing to eat but the rich.”
~ Protest Sign

Have a safe and happy weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.


No to Smoking
May 31 is World No Tobacco Day. To draw attention to the negative effects of smoking, the Department of Health will hold public forums on lung cancer, respiratory diseases, aging, and President Aquino’s lovelife.

No to Smoking II
Starting Monday, the MMDA will strictly implement Republic Act 9211, which prohibits smoking in public places. Violators will be fined 500 pesos on first offense. Public places include hospitals, government offices, schools, bus & jeepney terminals, loading and unloading bays, public playgrounds, plazas, and churches. Apparently, if you’re a heavy smoker, the only safe place for you is Malacañang.

Top 5 Movie Remakes Starring President Aquino and his Cigarettes

No. 5: Bakit Ngayon Ka Lung Cancer?

No. 4: The Joy Halak Club

No. 3: Dude, Where’s my Tar?

No. 2: All the President’s Phlegm

And the No. 1 movie remake starring President Aquino and his cigarettes…

The Good, the Bald, and the Smelly

Marcos’ Burial
Vice President Jejomar Binay has finished conducting a survey on the issue of whether former president Ferdinand Marcos’ refrigerated body should be buried or not at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. The survey has a margin of error of plus or minus zero degrees Centigrade.

Erap in Manila
A tabloid report says former president Joseph Estrada is running for mayor of Manila in 2013. But critics say that’s not possible since Erap is a resident of San Juan. Estrada has clarified the report though saying he’s not running in Manila but in the ARMM!

ARMM Polls
Socialite and former Tarlac governor Margarita ‘Tingting’ Cojuangco said her nephew, President Aquino could not stop her from seeking the vice gubernatorial post in the ARMM. Just so you know, Tingting Cojuangco’s a feisty woman. Not even her husband Peping could stop her from getting those Botox injections.

New Rep
Ryan Luis Singson has been elected representative of Ilocos Sur’s first district replacing his jailed brother, Ronald. Unlike his Kuya, Ryan is said to be younger, gentler, and a lot more careful when in Hong Kong.

Grand Lotto
Nobody has won the 320 million-peso jackpot in the 6/55 Grand Lotto. The PCSO says bettors have a bigger chance of winning this time mainly because Inquirer reporter Miko Morelos has stopped placing bets.

Noon, Ngayon
Noon: Ang bilanggo, dinadalaw.
Ngayon: Ang bilanggo, dumadalaw.

Noon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, naliliwanagan.
Ngayon: Kapag nakinig ka sa homily ng obispo, nagwu-walkout.

Noon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: administrasyon at oposisyon.
Ngayon: Ang mahigpit na magkatunggali: Balay at Samar sa posisyon.

Noon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng oppositionists!”
Ngayon: Kapag bagsak ang rating ng presidente, “Kagagawan ng columnists!”

Noon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa diyaryo.
Ngayon: Ang ‘lovelife’ ng presidente, mababasa sa kanyang speech.
“The best way to stop smoking is to just stop – no ifs, ands or butts.”
~Edith Zittler

Old Joke
Use Philip, Marlboro, Hope, and Champion in a sentence.
Answer: Philip kitang hinahanap, nasa Marlboro country ka lang pala; Hope!!! ‘Wag kang tatakas! Champion ka talaga!

-Naknampoodle, saksakan nang corny!

You Have Spoken
On Sen. Miriam Defensor-Santiago’s “Pay to Stay” proposal for rich prisoners:
– Sure! Para naman kumita ang gobyerno. 20.46%
– Tutol ako d’yan. Ano sila sinusuwerte? 74.59%
– Pag-aaralan ko muna. 4.95%

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Have a safe and fun week ahead!


NAGSIMULA NA ANG bakasyon ng mga bituin pero dahil mainit pa rin ang mga usapin, narito ang kanilang bonus na mga pangitain – Holy Week Edition!

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez
Magpapako ka sa krus. Habang nakapako, magpa-press con at ihayag sa media: “Hinding-hindi ako bababa sa puwesto.” Maraming matutuwa sa ‘yo!

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Dahil sinimulan mo na rin lang noong Lunes Santo, panindigan mo na ang pagiging “marriage counselor” mo. ‘Yan na lang kasi ang titindig sa ‘yo.

Pangulong Aquino
Kung binabantaan ka nila ng excommunication, bantaan mo sila ng taxcommunication. ‘Wag pasindak. Takutan lang ‘yan.

Vice President Jejomar Binay
Hindi mo na kailangang mag-Visita Iglesia. Proven na naman ‘di ba?. Nanalo ka pa rin kahit si Mar ang inendorso nila.

Ex-Senator Mar Roxas
Samantalahin ang nalalabing araw ng bakasyon. Less than a month na lang, puwede ka nang magtrabaho sa palasyo. Pag-isipan ang mga iniaalok na puwesto… ngunit tanggihan ang offer na maging First Lady ng Pangulo. It’s just awkward pare!

Cong. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Ito ang tamang panahon upang mag-isip, magmuni-muni, at magtanong: hanggang kailan ko susuportahan si Merci Gutierrez? Paano ko maibabalik ang tiwala ng tao? Dapat ko bang ishare ang aking beauty secrets? Bahala ka na.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Samantalahin ang Senate recess. Aralin ang pagluluto ng ibang putahe. Nakakaumay na ang adobo mo kasi. Tse!

Marlene Aguilar a.k.a. Jason Ivler’s mother
Hindi kayang basahin ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. May sarili ka kasing mundong ginagalawan. Heto na lang ang sampung piso, bili ka ng kausap mo!

Willie Revillame
Ilang araw na lang at matatapos na ang iyong bakasyon from television. Why not extend it? Say, for… ever?

And finally…
Cong. Mikey Arroyo
Matutuloy ang plano mong pagpapapako sa krus sa Pampanga. Pero huwag umasang mapapagitna ka. Either sa kanan o sa kaliwa ka ng bida. Alam mo na!

In the News:
According to Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz, it would be better for President Noynoy Aquino to remain single. Just in case you missed it, Cruz is the self-appointed presidential adviser on heart concerns.

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz says people who get hitched at age 40 or above usually end up having unstable marriages. In totally unrelated news, Mar and Korina have canceled their plan to hear mass today.

TV Patrol Poll
A TV Patrol survey last Tuesday revealed that 62 percent of viewers wanted President Aquino to marry. The rest were bishops.

According to a Social Weather Stations survey, 57 of Filipinos consider Christmas more important than Easter Sunday. The rest grew up without a ninong/ninang. #bitter

The Last Supper
A Cambridge University research suggests the Last Supper, traditionally marked by Christians on Maundy Thursday actually took place on a Wednesday. Another research reveals Good Friday was actually bad.

Based on the research conducted at Cambridge University, Jesus’ arrest, interrogation, and separate trials did not all take place on one night only. He was able to get a TRO for 24 hours day.

A new research reveals that the Last Supper actually took place on a Wednesday not on Maundy Thursday. You know what that means? Starting next year, Wednesday will be a holiday! Yehey!
“There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.”
~George Bernard Shaw

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BAGO IBAHAGI ng mga bituin ang kanilang mga hula, nais munang magpasalamat ni Professional Heckler sa kanyang natanggap na nominasyon sa 2010 Philippine Blog Awards. He is not expecting a win but he’s hoping that the jury would give him the award. Parang awa n’yo na po. Pasko naman. [At nagmakaawa daw talaga. How pathetic!]

This just in! Oh, I got a second nomination. My post: EXCLUSIVE: GMA Breaks Her Silence is one of the finalists in the category: Top Three Posts for 2010. To borrow Maria Venus Raj’s oft-used phrase, “Sobra-sobrang amazing ng feeling.” Thank you Philippine Blog Awards!

Kaya naman inspirado silang magbigay ng mga babala, hula, at saloobin. Maging ang galaw ng mga planeta ay madali ring basahin.

Ngunit katulad ng laging paalala ni Ms. Zenaida ‘Syzygy’ Seva:
“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”

Ngayon, subukan mong isaulo o memoryahin ang linyang ‘yan at bigkasin nang malakas, a la-Zeny Seva. Ready? 1, 2, 3…

“Hindi hawak ng mga bituin ang ating kapalaran. Gabay lamang sila. Meron tayong free will, gamitin natin ito.”


Ngayon, narito na ang kapalaran ng ilang kilalang tao sa bansa… Ayon sa mga Bituin:
President Noynoy Aquino
Birth: February 8, 1960
Sign: Aquarius
Simulan natin ang pagbasa sa iyong kapalaran with your lucky color – walang iba kundi phlegm green. [Tigilan na kasi ang paninigarilyo!] Ang iyong lucky number ay 6/55. Sa aspeto ng pag-ibig, magpapatuloy ang paglabas mo kasama ang iba’t ibang babae. [Ang pogi mo kasi! Kainis!] Para kang kalendaryo, maraming date. [Syet, ang korni!] Pero wala sa kanila ang babaeng mamahalin mo nang tuluyan. Ang payo ng mga bituin: huwag madaliin ang pag-ibig at ‘wag pilitin ang puso. Kung ‘di ukol, hindi bubukol. Kapag ‘di bumukol, well… huwag nang magtaka: malapit ka nang mag-51!

Former President Joseph Estrada
Birth: April 19, 1937
Sign: Aries
Hindi ito ang tamang panahon upang ibenta ang iyong mansion sa No. 1 Polk Street, Greenhills, San Juan City. Kung nalalakihan ka rito, pagsama-samahin ang iyong mga pamilya upang ma-maximize ang espasyo. ‘Di ba, ikaw na rin ang nagsabi? The more, the manyer. Tigilan ang pautot na naghihirap ka na. Hindi ka convincing na aktor. Besides, wala na ring credibility ang FAMAS. Huwag ka nang umasa ng nomination. Lucky number: Kung ilan ang babaeng naanakan mo Lucky color: Chartreuse [Ay teka, baka ‘di mo ma-spell. Red na lang.]

Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim
Birth: Dec. 21, 1929
Sign: Sagitarrius
Gawing doble ang pag-iingat. Anumang araw mula ngayon, habang naglalakad sa Maynila, isang rumaragasang ‘kuliglig’ ang sasalubong sa ‘yo. Ngunit isang pulis-Maynila ang haharang sa kuliglig upang iligtas ka sa tiyak na kapamahakan. Magpapatawag ka ng press con, at sa ikalawang pagkakataon, bibigkasin mo ang mga linyang ito: “Pulis lang! Pulis lang ang magpapakamatay! [sabay suntok sa mesa] Remember that, pulis lang!” After ng press con, bigla na lang mawawala ang driver ng kuliglig. Siya ay huling makikita sa may bahaging Tondo.

Asst. Sec. Carmen ‘Mai’ Mislang
Birth: Malihim siya.
Sign: Hindi kami close.
Hindi mabasa ng mga bituin ang iyong kapalaran. Masyado kang tahimik these days. Pero may good news ang mga planetang gumagabay sa araw-araw mong galaw: napatawad ka na ng sambayanan. Puwede ka na ulit maging active sa Twitter. #solitudesucks #maramingpogidun #itanongmopakay @rickycarandang

Sen. Panfilo Lacson
Birth: June 1, 1948
Sign: Gemini
Palitan ang wig na isinusuot kapag lumalabas ng hideout. Masyado nang makapal ang alikabok nito. Magsagawa ng loyalty check sa mga katiwala sa pinagtataguang bahay. Isa sa kanila ang posibleng mag-chuchu sa kinaroroonan mo. Ikaka-imbyerna mo ito. Isang text message ang mare-receive mo anytime this week. Ito ang nilalaman ng mensahe: “Dear Mr. Senator, I sympathize and agree with you. The justice system in this country is insane. By the way, I can offer you temporary sanctuary. Bakante naman ang basement ko ngayon. – Love, Marlene Aguilar

Claire De La Fuente
President, Integrated Metro Bus Operators Association
Birth: December 28, 1958
Sign: Capricorn
Sayang! Sabay-sabay na ‘di nagpakita ang mga bituin ngayon. Wala kang horoscope! Promise, hindi nila sinadya ‘yon.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
A-ha! Kaya naman pala eh. Scorpio ka kasi. ‘Yun lang!

Note: The stars are submitting a fine-tuned reading for Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa. Apologies for the premature release of the horoscope.

Executive Sec. Paquito “Jojo” Ochoa
Birth: November 11, 1960
Sign: Scorpio
May mga parating na pagbabago sa iyong trabaho. Malapit na. Ramdam mo na ba? Sakali’t ‘di magustuhan, huwag idaan sa paglalasing. Hindi solusyon ang alkohol sa malalasap na kabiguan. Magpakatatag. Malay natin, hindi matuloy. Sa aspeto naman ng pag-ibig, ipagpatuloy ang pagiging tahimik at misteryoso – asset ‘yan sa mga chicks! By the way, kahapon nang umaga sa dzMM, naintriga ang mga planeta sa rebelasyong binitiwan ni Ted Failon. Sabi ni Ted sa co-anchor na si Pinky Webb: “Ang alam ko… crush ka ni Jojo Ochoa!” #patayTAYOjan! [After the Vina Morales and Pops Fernandez incident, hindi ka pa rin ba nadala?] Concerned lang ang mga bituin.

Grand Lotto Winner
Birth: Confidential
Sign: Confidential
Upang matiyak ang iyong kaligtasan, iwasan mo ang sumusunod na mga lugar: palengke (maraming taon do’n); Twitter (maraming pahamak do’n), at simbahan (self-explanatory).

Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz
Birth: November 17, 1934
Sign: Scorpio
Hindi na magpapaliguy-ligoy pa ang mga bituin. Ayaw mo sa RH bill! Ayaw mo sa condom! Ayaw mo sa jueteng! Ayaw mo sa STL! Ayaw mo sa lotto! Ayaw mong manalo ang mga taong tumataya sa lotto! Gusto mong umalis ng bansa ang mga taong nananalo sa lotto, etc. etc. Dahil d’yan malakas ang kutob ng mga bituin na ikaw ay magiging successful publisher soon! Ang dami mo kasing isyu!


Finding Lacson
The National Bureau of Investigation has failed to locate fugitive senator Panfilo Lacson after two unsuccessful operations in Quezon City last Friday and Tanauan City in Batangas last Saturday. After QC and Batangas, the NBI has yet to announce – the next venue for the Moro-moro.

Reports say President Aquino is blaming the media for ruining his love life. It marked the first time since assuming office that the President has put the blame on someone other than Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

Bishop vs. Santa
Newly-retired Bishop Teodoro Bacani accuses Santa Claus of stealing the true spirit of Christmas. Santa dismissed the allegation as unfair and accused Bacani of “getting even” after the latter’s name made it again on Santa’s annual “naughty” list.

Controversial Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is being hunted by authorities for rape and sexual harassment. But a defiant Assange said in a statement he’d rather die than surrender.

Julian Assange is wanted on suspicion of “sex crimes.” Reports say while having consensual sex with a woman in Sweden, his condom broke and did not disclose it to his partner. Now we know why it’s called WikiLeaks.

Sole Survivor
GMA 7’s “Survivor Philippines: Celebrity Showdown” held its finalé last Friday. In case you’re not familiar with the successful reality show, ‘Survivor Philippines’ was produced by Filipinos; shot entirely in Thailand, and was ultimately won by a Brazilian citizen with Japanese descent.

In Sports

The Philippine football team shocked defending champion Vietnam, 2 goals to nil in the ongoing ASEAN Football Federation (AFF) Suzuki Cup tournament. After the loss, Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto criticized the Philippines’ defensive tactics calling it “poor.” He also refused to shake our coach’s hand after the match. Where was Mai Mislang when we needed her most!?

Vietnamese national football coach Henrique Calisto refused to shake hands with Philippine XI coach Simon McMenemy after Vietnam lost to our football team in the ongoing Suzuki Cup in Hanoi. Oo na! Pogi ka na! #calistosucks
“The celestial bodies are the cause of all that takes place in the sublunar world.”
~Thomas Aquinas

Thank you to the [Philippine Daily] Inquirer Super! Ehem.
25 Blogs you should be reading

Also, loyal LA Lakers fan, journalist TJ Manotoc and 24 others are on the list of the 25 Pinoys you should follow on Twitter.

[Just kidding. TJ is an adherent of the ‘championship ring-less’ LeBron James and the Miami Heat. #asapa! But, yeah, he’s on the list.]

Survey Says
Sa umiinit na namang isyu ng Vizconde massacre, ano ang paniniwala mo:
– Guilty naman talaga ang mga na-convict. 40.25%
– Palayain si Hubert Webb! 17.97%
– Hintayin na lang ang desisyon ng Korte Suprema. 41.77%

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Have a great week! Ingat.


Erap Quitting Politics?
Former president Joseph Estrada told ABS-CBN News he’s quitting politics soon. Estrada first entertained the thought of abandoning politics when Jejomar Binay abandoned him in the last elections.

Deposed president Joseph Estrada is leaving politics soon. Sought for comment, politics said the ‘parting’ was amicable.

Interviewed by ABS-CBN News, former president Joseph Estrada said he’s planning to write a book about his life starting from childhood… meaning, the book will start from the time he became president.

Former president Joseph Estrada told ABS-CBN News that he is planning to write a book about his life starting from childhood until his 2010 re-election bid. Erap reveals some 15 to 25 pages of his book will be blank. Asked why, he replied, “Siyempre, nakakulong ako ‘no! Paano ako makapagsusulat? Gago!”

Losing presidential reelectionist Joseph Estrada is reportedly writing a book about his life. This early, it is expected to top the list of best-selling Coloring Books.

ABS-CBN News says former president Joseph Estrada is planning to write a book about his life starting from childhood. The first line of the book will be, “Baa baa black sheep…”

Ex-president Joseph Estrada is reportedly planning to write a book about his life. He says the book will not be self-serving and will also highlight his political mistakes. At least now, we already know half of the book’s content!

Losing presidential reelectionist Joseph Estrada told ABS-CBN that he plans to write a book about his life and he’s going to call it “Memoirs: The Life and Loves of Erap.” The first page will be about his life; the rest, about his ‘loves.’

Former president Joseph Estrada plans to write a book about his life and he wants to call it “Memoirs: The Life and Loves of Erap.” Erap says the title is not yet final because he’s having a hard time pronouncing ‘memoirs.’

Joseph Estrada is reportedly writing a book about his life starting from childhood. Rumors say he is looking forward to ‘book signing’ sessions. In fact, this early, he’s been practicing how to sign ‘Jose Velarde’ again.

This just in! Unconfirmed reports say defeated presidential candidate Manny Villar is writing a book too. It will be about the recent May 10, 2010 elections, and will be titled, “Bad Memoirs.”

In Other News…
On Wednesday, June 9, both Noynoy Aquino and Jejomar Binay will be proclaimed president and vice president, respectively. If Mar Roxas concedes to Binay on or before Wednesday, he’ll be proclaimed a ‘martyr.’

GMA Off to China
On Tuesday, June 8, President Arroyo is going to China. Proponents of the Freedom of Information bill are encouraged to wait for President Arroyo’s entourage at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport because there might just be a quorum.
“Memoirs are a well-known form of fiction.”
~Frank Harris

Survey Says
Should the VP votes that were allegedly “not counted” by some PCOS machines be counted manually by Congress as suggested by the Roxas camp?
DAPAT LANG para lumabas ang tunay na boses ng bayan! 40%
HINDI! Tapusin na ang canvassing ‘tsaka sila mag-protesta! 53%
Ano ‘yong issue? ‘Di ko na-follow ang news eh. 7%

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Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism:In 14 years, Speaker grows wealth from P6.5M to P88M

Philippine Star columnist Federico Pascual is furious: My being PNOC director: Another Lopez ‘kuryente’; ABS-CBN apologizes

Enjoy the rest of the week!

March 3rd
On this date in…

0468: Pope Saint Simplicius succeeds Catholic Pope Hilarius. Catholics loved Simplicius but they had much more fun when Pope Outrageous replaced him.

1938: Oil is discovered in Saudi Arabia. Minutes later, the US president sends a Facebook message to the Arabian president saying, “Can I add you as a friend?”

1992: President Bush makes a public apology for raising taxes after promising not to. Again, that’s George Bush not Noynoy Aquino.

1995: Camilla Parker Bowles & her husband Andrew divorce. Camilla then patiently waits for Princess Diana’s death.

2001: Voting 13-0, the Supreme Court officially and unanimously rules out that Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo is the country’s legitimate president, NOT Joseph Estrada. They didn’t have much of a choice, did they?

2005: American Steve Stephen Fossett becomes the first person to fly an airplane non-stop around the world solo. Today, a Filipino is attempting to duplicate that feat: flying solo, nonstop. His name? Panfilo Lacson.

Thanks to Filipiniana.Net, AnyDayInHistory, and Wikipedia.
Manila Standard Today columnist Victor Agustin on Conrado De Quiros, Cory Aquino and Ferdinand Marcos. Meh ganun palang kwento. Now i know.


IN DECLARING her bid for a Congressional seat in Pampanga, President Arroyo said, “Public service is emblazoned on my DNA.” Geneticists who were monitoring the announcement on TV almost believed Mrs. Arroyo’s claim about the quality of her DNA… until they saw Mikey Arroyo.

Contrary to initial reports, President Arroyo is running against three opponents in next year’s elections. They were identified as… Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao.

A day after Joseph Estrada filed his certificate of candidacy, former congressman Mark Jimenez filed his own CoC. Two ex-convicts are now running for president. Welcome to the Philippines!

Sen. Richard Gordon has joined his nephew, Olongapo City Councilor John Carlos “JC” Gordon De Los Reyes in the presidential derby. With neither uncle nor nephew expected to give way, observers predict a very tight race… for fifth place.

Former MMDA chairman Bayani Fernando, who has been very vocal about his presidential ambitions has decided to run for vice president instead. He is now seeking the endorsement of the Pink Sisters.

Joseph Estrada reportedly got pissed when Nacionalista Party’s Manuel Villar Jr. used his trademark “orange” as official campaign color. This prompted Estrada’s advisers to adopt ‘tangerine’ instead as their new color – a move that further incensed the former president who found it hard to spell ‘tangerine.’

Reelectionist senator Ramon “Bong” Revilla Jr. of Lakas-Kampi-CMD is a guest candidate of at least four other political parties: Partido ng Masang Pilipino, Nationalist People’s Coalition, Nacionalista Party, and Laban ng Demokratikong Pilipino. But that was nothing compared to Sen. Mar Roxas who used to be a guest on at least five: Wowowee, A.S.A.P., The Buzz, SNN, and Rated K.

While other presidentiables filed their certificates of candidacy with throngs of supporters, nobody (not even her husband) accompanied Sen. Jamby Madrigal when she filed her CoC. Jamby was a ‘one-man team.’

Former senator and Dangerous Drugs Board chairman Vicente “Tito” Sotto III will run for senator under the banner of the Nationalist People’s Coalition. He is also a guest candidate… on Eat Bulaga – daily.

The ruling Lakas-Kampi-CMD Party announced Tuesday that lawyer Raul Lambino would be one of its senatorial candidates in the 2010 polls. Two days later though, he was dropped from the slate after he tried to change the party’s charter.

The Commission on Elections has announced that it has discovered a simple but sure way of determining the precise number of morons in the country through next year’s elections. Thanks to the re-election bid of Sen. Lito Lapid.

Ateneo De Manila University professor Danton Remoto will run for senator as an independent candidate. He is open to alliances though but as to which party, he doesn’t know yet. He’s confused.

Television reporter Alex Tinsay is running for senator under Bro. Eddie Villanueva’s ticket. Tinsay, a veteran reporter on GMA 7 has opted to quit his career in broadcast journalism… after getting tired of pretending he’s got one.

According to Comelec, 75 percent of those who filed for national posts were not serious. To illustrate: say, you have Jamby, Erap, Ely Pamatong, and Mark Jimenez… remove the 75 percent and you’re left with Ely Pamatong.

The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 43 percent of respondents would “surely not vote for” a presidential candidate endorsed by President Arroyo. Asked if he’d still seek GMA’s endorsement, Gilbert Teodoro said, “Sino ‘yon?”

In Local Politics…
Incumbent Batangas governor, Vilma Santos is seeking re-election. Her husband, former senator Ralph Recto is seeking redemption.

Former First Lady Imelda Marcos is making a political comeback. She just filed her certificate of candidacy for representative of Ilocos Norte’s second district. Her campaign slogan? “The shoe must go on.”

President Arroyo’s staunch ally, Mrs. Lilia Pineda will try her luck again in Pampanga’s gubernatorial race against re-electionist priest-on-leave Among Ed Panlilio. Asked about her chances of winning, a very confident Pineda answered, “Katorse/sais! Tumbok ng otsenta/sahod ng beinte.”

Former Presidential Chief of Staff Mike Defensor is running for mayor of Quezon City against outgoing vice mayor Herbert Bautista. Herbert is keeping the location of his headquarters a secret for fear that Defensor will conduct a raid to “rescue” the actor’s supporters.

Jejomar Erwin “Junjun” Binay Jr., son of outgoing Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay is running for mayor in 2010 – a move that surprised Makati voters who thought that the Binay family [rulers of the city for 23 years now] would endorse their very loyal vice mayor Nestor Mercado for the post. Asked why he refused to give way to Mercado, Junjun Binay said, “because public service is emblazoned on my DNA, too.”

For the first time in the history of Makati City and perhaps, the country’s local politics, the two frontrunners in the mayoral race are both black.

Still in Makati, Cong. Teddyboy Locsin and former congressman Butz Aquino have severed ties with Mayor Jejomar Binay. The Binay family’s control of Makati is now down to 98 percent.

The People’s Champ, Manny Pacquiao made true his promise (or threat) to file his CoC for representative of the lone district of Sarangani Province. To articulate his vision for the province, Pacman has named an official spokesperson: Michael Buffer. [Altogether now: Leeet’s get ready to rumble!]

And finally, Aiko Melendez, Roderick Paulate, Ara Mina, Alfred Vargas, Arnell Ignacio, Isko Moreno, Daisy Reyes, Lani Mercado, Rico J. Puno, Jestoni Alarcon, Cesar Montano, Richard Gomez, Anjo Yllana, Joey Marquez, Alma Moreno, Gian Sotto, Dan Fernandez, Marjorie Barretto, and Jigo Garcia all filed their CoCs for various posts in next year’s elections. The number of celebrities who came out last Tuesday was so huge, Comelec officials thought Noynoy Aquino was shooting another TV ad.
“An election cannot give a country a firm sense of direction if it has two or more national parties which merely have different names but are as alike in their principles and aims as two peas in the same pod.”
~Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Postcript: Sa gitna ng piyesta at karnabal na nagaganap ngayon sa bansa dahil sa eleksyon, ang tanong ng bayan: meron pa ba tayong bise-presidente? Please lang po. Sakaling may impormasyon kayo hinggil sa taong nasa larawan, ipagbigay-alam lamang sa pinakamalapit na presinto. Marami pong salamat.

Survey Says
Your take on President Arroyo’s decision to seek a Congressional seat in Pampanga:
It’s her right. Hayaan na natin. :15%
Immunity from suit ang habol niya! 67%
Who cares, Care Bears? 18%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

I’ve Got Mail!
From Philippine Star columnist Billy Esposo:
US Ambassador Kristie Kenney: “After several years, our people recovered from 9/11.
I pray that the Filipino people will soon recover from the 4’11.”

Have a great weekend!


Erap Declares Bid
Deposed president and pardoned plunderer Joseph Estrada is running for president, again! If you haven’t had enough of “Ondoy’ and “Pepeng,” then, vote for him.

Erap Declares Bid II
In declaring his bid for the presidency, Joseph Estrada said, “… tinatanggap ko ang hamon at hiling ng ating mga kababayan upang ibalik ang dangal ng mga api, ng mga masang Pilipino, upang ibalik ang pag-asa sa mga mahihirap, upang ibalik ang tinig ng masang Pilipino.” Eh tarantado ka pala eh. Matapos mong ibigay ‘yung dangal, pag-asa, at tinig sa mga kabit mo, sa mga crony mo, at sa mga Arroyo, ngayon gusto mong ibalik? Eh ‘di ibalik mo. Gago!

Erap Declares Bid III
Joseph Estrada has declared his bid for the presidency saying, “This will be the last performance of my life,” to which Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo said, “Sus! Sinabi ko na rin ‘yan eh!”

Erap Declares Bid IV
Amid questions on his eligibility to run, deposed president Joseph Estrada has officially declared his bid for the presidency in 2010. Where in the world was Panfilo Lacson when we needed him most?

Erap Declares Bid V
Joseph Estrada has decided to run for president next year. In fact, he has already chosen his running mate. He has also picked his senatorial bets. He is so damn ready for 2010 he has decided on almost everything, except for the next First Lady.

erap2010_jdv Erap Declares Bid VI
Did you see Joey “Delicadeza” De Venecia on TV while his hands were being raised as one of Erap’s senatorial bets? I did! Now, I need a new TV set because the moment I saw that guy’s face, I smashed the TV screen.

Top 5 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Voting for Convicted Plunderer Joseph Estrada to Malacañang

No. 5: Are we prepared for an exchange rate of P65 pesos to $1?

No. 4: When will we ever learn?

No. 3: After Rudy “Weather-weather lang” Meyer, who’s next?

No. 2: We have endured and allowed “nine” years of Mikey in Malacañang. Are we letting Jinggoy have his “eight?” [He had two already.]

And the No. 1 question you should ask yourself before voting for Joseph Estrada…

Ano ako, tanga?

In light of FAMAS Hall of Famer Erap’s renewed quest for the presidency, I am reprinting a chain email that first surfaced during FPJ’s unsuccessful bid for president in 2004. This is a list of prospective envoys/ambassadors of RP to the rest of the world had the King won. I have added some names to the list. Who knows, these people might just get their appointment papers once Erap reclaims Malacañang! Kung si Rudy Meyer nga na-appoint eh! Nothing is impossible.

African Union: Susan Africa
Amman: Jordan Herrera
Beijing: Kim Chiu
Brunei: Cristina Gonzales
Chile: Randy Santiago
Colombia: The Alabang Boys or Tim Yap
Germany: Baron Geisler
India: Shivaker
Jamaica: Jaya
Japan: Akihiro Sato
Mongolia: Mr. Shooli
Medjugorje (Bosnia & Herzegovina): Marian Rivera
Romania: David Bunevacz
Russia: Nanette Medved
Spain: Gerald Madrid
Switzerland: Geneva Cruz
Tel-Aviv: Dick Israel
Malaysia/Indonesia/Korea/Thailand/Singapore: Asia Agcaoili
Turkey: Ruffa Gutierrez-Bektas
United Kingdom: Victoria London
Vienna: Amy Austria
United States: Gerald Anderson
Special Envoy to the Skies: Rey Langit
Special Envoy to the Fields: Pilar Pilapil
Special Envoy to the Seas: Tiya Pusit

In Other News…
Quoting an anonymous source, the Philippine Star reported that Nationalist People’s Coalition founder businessman Eduardo ‘Danding’ Cojuangco would likely support Sen. Noynoy Aquino instead of Sen. Francis Escudero. An aide of Escudero says he will face the press as soon as he has finished drafting his official statement. He’s almost finished; he’s already on the 18th page.

PBA Update
Alain Katigbak, the Atenean heckler who was attacked by Wynne Arboleda after hurling invectives and hurtful words at the Burger King guard wants the PBA to ban the player for life. In a letter to the league, Katigbak said, “That fVK7#^$k!ng^#9 must b%E&*()^$!annihilated!@$#^! I am from Ateneo and he’s just a good for not^H%i$n3g(* son of a b%I&t^c$h*&#$#8^$#. I will use my con%n$ection#s to mAk*3%7^#$)* that son of a%But$^c(h! pay!. Pu*ang-I%na n’\/a! Atenista ako! Atenista ako! You f&ck&ng goD&%6da&mn s%n(^of*abt&c%h! Nagkamali ka ng kinaL%aba%n haY^up k#ang dem*0n&y!o ka! Ban him you f&u*k*I*ing id%Iot$! Yours truly, Alain Katigbak, P.S. Kizz mY a$$!

“Huwag n’yo ‘kong subukan.”
~Joseph Estrada (Inauguration Day, 1998)
[Don’t worry Erap. We will remember that when we go to our polling precincts in 2010.]

Survey Says…
What is Noynoy Aquino’s best asset as a presidential contender?
Being the son of Cory and Ninoy: 37%
His untarnished image and reputation: 36%
Kris Aquino: 27%
His track record as a lawmaker: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.


IT’S CONFIRMED. Deposed president Joseph Estrada is running for president in 2010 with Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay as running mate.

The confirmation came from Erap’s son himself, Sen. Jinggoy Estrada, and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile. Asked who could be Estrada’s closest rival, Enrile said, “everybody is a close rival of Erap.”

Nonetheless, Estrada is confident of overtaking Noynoy in the next survey. Why? Unverified reports reveal he is spending millions of pesos to commission the next presidential survey. Not only that! He drafted the questions himself! However, unknown to Erap, the research firms made some last-minute revisions in the final questionnaire. Yet again, the Professional Heckler obtained a copy.

So, here it is. Indulge!

For the Exclusive Use of Sssh W. Ssssh and Fools Asia
Target Sample: 1,238
1: San Juan City
2: Baseco Compound (Tondo)
3: Erap City (Resettlement Site in Rodriguez, Rizal)
4: Makati City (South Cembo, Comembo, East Rembo, West Rembo, Pembo, Brgy. Singkamas, Brgy. Rizal, Brgy. Bangkal & Brgy. Pitogo)

Magandang araw po. Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay nagsanib puwersa ang Sssh W. Ssssh at Fools Asia upang isagawa ang pag-aaral na ito kaugnay ng susunod na halalan. Gaano n’yo nga ba kakilala sina Joseph Estrada at Jejomar Binay? Gaano kalaki ang inyong paniniwala sa kanilang kakayahan? Susuportahan n’yo ba ang kanilang kandidatura?

In the service of the Filipino people, tinitiyak po naming walang kinikilingan, walang pinuprotektahan at walang kasinungalingan ang survey na ito.

Personal na Impormasyon
Pangalan: ____________________________ Edad: ______________________

Email Address: _______________ Cellphone No.: ______________

Paboritong ‘Erap Movie:’ ______________________________________

Bakit ka lumahok sa survey na ito?
[ ] Idol ko si Erap
[ ] Idol ko si Binay
[ ] Para sa bayan
[ ] Sayang ang P250

Panuto: Ikulong sa kulungan ang titik na kumakatawan sa inyong napiling sagot. Ito ang halimbawa ng tamang pagmamarka ng sagot.
Tandaan: Nakasalalay sa iyong mga sagot kung may matatanggap kang regalo o wala. Kaya’t maging matalino at praktikal sa pagpili ng letra.

Ikaw ay may labinlimang minuto para sagutan ang mga tanong. Simulan.

1: Si dating pangulong Joseph Estrada ay napatunayang guilty sa kasong plunder. Maging si Makati City Mayor Jejomar Binay ay nakasuhan na rin ng plunder. Ngayon, mag-partner na sila. Ano ang masasabi mo sa isyung ito?
A: Pulitika ‘yan! Pinupulitika lamang sila!
B: Maawa naman kayo! Bakit n’yo ba sila inaapi?
C: Pinatutunayan lamang nito na mali ang kasabihang, “Ang magnanakaw ay galit sa kapwa magnanakaw.”

2: Kumpletuhin ang bahaging ito ng inaugural speech ni dating pangulong Joseph Estrada noong 1998: “Walang kai-kaibigan. Walang kumpa-kumpare. Walang kama-kamag-anak… Huwag n’yo ‘kong __________!”
A: Subukan
B: Tawanan
C: Patalsikin

3: Mula 1986 ay nasa pamamahala na ni Mayor Jejomar Binay (1986-1998; 2001-2010) at ng maybahay nitong si Dr. Elenita Binay (1998-2001) ang lungsod ng Makati. Kabuuang dalawampu’t tatlong taon na sila sa puwesto. Ano ang masasabi mo rito?
A: 23 years?!? You mean, two decades and three years?!? Tama ba ang narinig ko? Or am I just dreaming? Sampalin mo ‘ko! Sampalin mo ‘ko!
B: Tama na! Sobra na! Palitan na!
C: Bakit?!? Naiinggit kayo? Ganito kami sa Makati. Sana walang pakialaman!

4: May mga nagsasabing hindi raw pinapayagan ng Saligang Batas na muling tumakbo pa sa pagka-pangulo si dating Pangulong Estrada. Ano ang masasabi mo rito?
A: Pwes… magkita-kita na lang tayo sa Edsa 4!
B: ‘Wag na kasing makulit. Sinabi nang ‘di pwede eh.
C: Ano ‘yung Saligang Bigas? Relief goods ba ‘yun?

5: Ano ang nasa larawan?
A: Isa sa dalawang opisyal na simbolo ng Makati City na ang ibig sabihin ay “Paglingkuran ang Bayan”
B: Ultrasound ‘yan noong fetus pa lamang si Mayor Binay
C: ‘Wag n’yo kaming gawing tanga! “B” stands for Binay! Alangan namang ‘Belmonte’ ‘yan eh taga-QC ‘yung matandang ‘yun!?!

6: Kumpletuhin ang 1998 campaign slogan ni dating pangulong Joseph Estrada: “Erap para sa ___________.”
A: Gambling lord at corrupt
B: Kabit na masarap
C: Mahirap

7: Sino ang nasa larawan?
A. Ang magiting na bise-alkalde ng Makati City, si Kgg. Nestor Mercado
B: Masyadong madilim eh. Hindi ko makilala.
C: Siya lang naman ang patatakbuhin ni Mayor Binay next year para alkalde, ‘tapos after one term, si Councilor Jejomar Erwin Binay naman. Tuloy ang ligaya!

8: Sa kaibuturan ng iyong puso, sa palagay mo ba ay mananalong muli bilang pangulo si Joseph Estrada?
A: Sure na!
B: Kung hindi babawasan ni Kris Aquino ang kadaldalan, kaartehan, at kataklesahan niya mula ngayon hanggang eleksyon, may tsansa si Erap
C: “God Save the Philippines from Joseph Ejercito Estrada!”

9: Sa iyong palagay, mananalo ba bilang pangalawang pangulo si Jejomar Binay?
A: Sigurado ako, landslide ‘yan! Sa Makati!
B: Sana.
C: Ayoko nga! Eh kung 23 years siyang maging vice president? No way, highway!

10: Ipikit mo ang iyong mga mata. Isipin mo ang ating mga kababayang naghihirap. Imadyinin mo ang mga Pilipinong walang makain dahil sinalanta sila ng bagyo. Pagkatapos, tingnan mo ang hinaharap. Imadyinin mo ang kinabukasan. Ngayon, sagutin mo ang tanong na ito: Kung hindi sina Erap at Binay, sino?
A: Oo nga. Wala nang iba!
B: Hmm, sina Kris Aquino at Boy Abunda? Now na!
C: Wait lang. Imumulat ko na ba ang mga mata ko bago ko ibigay ang sagot? Nakapikit pa kasi ako eh.

Bonus Question
Isa siya sa mga babaeng “malapit” kay Erap. Sino ang nasa larawan?
A: Guia Gomez, future mayor of San Juan
B. Joy Melendrez, basta, siya ‘yun!
C: Laarni Enriquez, favorite mistress

That’s all Polk! Hanggang dito na lamang. Wala nang kasunod.

Hintayin ang aming tawag kung kailan puwedeng i-claim ang apat na kilong bigas, tatlong latang sardinas, dalawang Good Morning towels, at isang “Erap-Binay for 2010” t-shirt. Magdala ng dalawang valid IDs at isang 1×1 picture, (whole body) kapag nag-claim.

Maraming salamat at mabuhay ang Pilipinas!
“You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”

President Arroyo is hot? Check this out. Funny.

Manila Standard’s Antonio Abaya on the Nobel Peace Prize

Philippine Star’s William Esposo on the recent ANC Face to Face Forum featuring Senators Manny Villar, Noynoy Aquino and Chiz Escudero, and Defense Sec. Gilbert Teodoro

Makati City Trivia:
THE names of Barangay Cembo, Comembo, East Rembo, Pembo, South Cembo and West Rembo in Makati are acronyms. These stand for Central Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Cembo), Combat Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Comembo), Riverside Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Rembo) and Panthers’ Enlisted Men’s Barrio (Pembo). The barrios were established in the late 1940s and 1950s when soldiers from different parts of the Philippines arrived at Fort McKinley (now Fort Bonifacio) and were directed to occupy nearby areas. [PDI/6.02.09]

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