TRAGEDIES

August 21
August 21, 2011:  The nation commemorates the 28th death anniversary of former senator Benigno Aquino Jr. Sadly, until now, the mastermind of the assassination has yet to be identified, defrosted or buried.

Former Senator Benigno Aquino Jr. was assassinated 28 years ago. If Ninoy were alive today, the 500-peso bill would look dull.

Forty years ago, also on  August 21, nine people were killed and 90 others were injured when the campaign rally of the Liberal Party in Plaza Miranda was bombed. Or as Communist leaders would secretly call it, “a success.”

Hostage Crisis
On August 23, the country marks the first anniversary of the Manila hostage crisis. To refresh your memory, eight Hong Kong Chinese nationals were killed on that fateful day by the hostage taker who was fatally wounded. Among the survivors were 12 tourists, 1 travel guide, 4 Filipinos, Alfredo Lim, Rico E. Puno, and all of DILG.

A year ago on August 23, eight HK Chinese tourists were killed by a dismissed Filipino cop. It came to be known as the Manila hostage tragedy. Or as Manila Vice Mayor Isko Moreno would say, “my finest moment.”

Survivors and relatives of those who were killed in last year’s Manila hostage crisis are in the country to mark the first anniversary of the tragedy. They are expected to visit the site of the carnage. As a security measure, no Filipino cop will be allowed to go near the area.

Malacañang had said that President Aquino would not meet with the survivors and families of those who were killed in last year’s Manila hostage tragedy. The victims’ relatives were considerate though. They said they’re willing to meet anyone from the Philippine government – except for Edwin Lacierda.

The MILF
Reports say the Moro Islamic Liberation Front has splintered into five factions making it the most fragmented group in the country today. In close second is the Aquino Cabinet.

The Moro Islamic Liberation Front admits that renegade MILF Commander Ameril Umbra Kato is giving them headaches. Umbra Kato is like the Peping Cojuangco of President Aquino’s family.

The Joker
Reports say Sen. Joker Arroyo has called on the government to remove former President Arroyo from the immigration watch list. People are shocked. They were like, “Senador pa pala si Joker Arroyo?!?”

Television
According to a new study, every hour that you watch television after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes… fueling rumors that Imelda Marcos and Juan Ponce Enrile do not have TV sets at home.

The Superstar’s Status
Asked about the status of her relationship with (live-in partner) one-time rapper and one-time actor John Rendez, Nora Aunor said they’re “just friends.” By the way, the Superstar just turned 18 last May 21.

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“In order to be a diplomat, one must speak a number of languages, including doubletalk.”
~ Carey Williams

August 21st
On this day in…
1986: Usain Bolt was born. His mother labored for only 9.58 seconds, the fastest in history.

Have a great week ahead!

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BIG SPENDERS


Geez, Geese!
A US Airways jetliner crashed into New York’s Hudson River after a collision with a flock of birds. Sought for a reaction, outgoing US President George W. Bush said he knew that Al Qaeda had been training geese as a weapon of mass destruction.

War on Drugs
Remember my previous post about President Arroyo appointing herself as the government’s anti-drug czar? She said the fight against illegal drugs would be waged from three fronts: law enforcement, judicial action and policymaking. Of course, her job against drug traffickers and drug dealers would be a lot easier… if she starts with the abolition of the DOJ.

Can you believe it? Justice Sec. Raul Gonzales had said that Major Ferdinand Marcelino’s (yeah, that honest witness) participation in the operations of the Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency was “unconstitutional.” Ladies and gentlemen, meet the new lawyer for the Alabang Boys!

3422ed67c2 Senate’s Biggest Spenders
According to the Commission on Audit, senators Bong Revilla, Jinggoy Estrada, and Lito Lapid were among the Senate’s three biggest spenders for the year 2007. The actors spent nearly 47 million pesos that year! But you know what’s more surprising about the COA report? Revilla, Jinggoy, and Lapid were senators! Yeah they are. Amazing!

Now hear this. Detained senator Antonio Trillanes spent more than 8 million pesos in six months alone. If you double that amount to simulate a 12-month service, the Oakwood mutineer would be spending more than 16 million pesos making him the biggest spending legislator in the Senate ever. And he’s not even an actor!

The Commission on Audit reported that Sen. Manny Villar is one of thriftiest senators in 2007. Senators Panfilo Lacson and Jamby Madrigal refused to believe the ranking and instructed COA auditors to verify its report just to make sure there was no double entry under the name “Manuel Villar.”

Senator Joker Arroyo is the most frugal member of the Senate. He is also proud of his perfect attendance as a lawmaker for 17 straight years… to which Sen. Lito Lapid said,”Wala ‘yan! Bakit? Kaya ba niya ang five straight years na laging tulog sa session?”

leviste Leviste Guilty
Former Batangas governor Jose Antonio Leviste has been sentenced to 12 years in prison for shooting dead his long-time aide. When his ex-wife Loren Legarda heard the news, she said, “Tama ang manghuhula! This is my year!”

After his sentencing, former Batangas governor Tony Leviste told the media, “I am innocent.” That was the exact same line uttered by Loren Legarda when her marriage to Leviste collapsed.

For killing his long-time aide Rafael De Las Alas in January 2007, former Batangas governor Jose Antonio Leviste – father of famous athlete Toni Leviste has been sentenced to 12 years in prison. Excited inmates at the Makati City Jail couldn’t wait to play “equestrian” with him.

3422ed67c1 De La Paz’ Golf Shares
Businessman Delfin de la Paz is selling his shares at the Valley Golf and Country Club following his expulsion. Prospective buyers must have knowledge of karate, aikido, or any form of self-defense.

Survey Says…
Here’s the result of our survey: Who’s the most annoying?
Mikey Arroyo – 40%
Jinggoy Estrada – 28%
Kris Aquino – 28%
Others – 4%

Funny. One respondent even answered: Niñez Cacho-Olivarez of the Daily Tribune. Another, Willie Revillame.

We have a new survey. Vote now!

Personal
Thanks to everyone who sent their greetings. One of my birthday wishes has also been granted: Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. Have a great weekend!

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“You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.”
~ Abraham Lincoln

YOU’VE GOT MALE!

Senate Anomaly?
An obviously scared Panfilo Lacson excluded El Shaddai leader Mike Velarde in his privilege speech on the alleged budget insertions last Monday. But Jamby Madrigal says she is filing a resolution calling for another Senate probe on the matter and assured that Velarde will be investigated. This has just confirmed rumors Jamby’s got more balls than Ping.

Senate President Manuel Villar denied having knowledge of the alleged Senate insertions. Joker Arroyo defended Villar while Alan Peter Cayetano lashed back at Ping Lacson. Asked if she knew anything about insertions, Jamby Madrigal replied, “I wish!”

Sen. Joker Arroyo, a close friend of Senate President Villar, vowed to block any move that will lead to the investigation of the scandal… to which Sen. Mar Roxas said, “’Di bale, bahala na si Korina at ang DZMM d’yan!”

Watching from the sidelines, former senator John Osmeña said he misses Senate debates so much, “especially these days when they’re talking about something I am so fond of and particular with. You know, insertions.”

From Girl to Boy
For proving that her body is manifesting natural occurring male characteristics, a 27-year-old woman named Jennifer was allowed by the Supreme Court to change her gender entries in her birth certificate as well as her name. She is now adopting the name Jamby.

Lozada’s Fight
Despite a recent legal setback, NBN-ZTE scandal star witness Jun Lozada vows to “continue with the fight.” Unfortunately though, he’ll be alone in the fight this time because his fans, the La Salle Brothers will be busy watching another fight – Ateneo vs. La Salle.

Gabby Concepcion vs. Mommy Rose
Actor Gabby Concepcion wants to pre-terminate his five-year contract with talent manager Rose Flaminiano saying he doesn’t really know her that well – the same defense he gave when he terminated his four previous marriages.

Overseas…
A man was arrested in the Nigerian capital of Abuja for allegedly breaking the law when he married 86 women and fathered more than a hundred children. The man vows to defend his case and if acquitted, plans to immigrate to Manila and run for president.

CHICKEN CROSSING (VERSION 2008)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Here’s why according to controversial Filipino personalities (government officials, politicians, prominent businessmen, and local celebrities):

21: Lolit Solis: “Ma at pa! Basta! Sure ako sa aking nakita! Tumawid ang manok na ‘yan at may kasama pa siyang isa. Hinding-hindi ako magre-retract.”

20: ABS-CBN: “Somebody manipulated the chicken into crossing the road and we believe that the manipulator comes from another network.”

19: GMA 7: “We strongly condemn the insinuation that we were involved in the manipulation of the chicken. We will take this baseless allegation to court to clear our name.”

18: Juan Manuel Marquez: “To do some unfinished business.”

17: Manny Pacquiao: “I don’t agree. For me, business is over.”

16: Tim Yap/The Gucci Gang: “To party! (And snort some stuff.)”

15: Bb. Pilipinas-World Janina San Miguel: “Oh I’m sorry. A-ha-ha. I’m only 17 years old. I did not expect that the chickens is a tough hens.”

14: MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando: “Pano’ng di tatawid ‘yan eh wala nang madaanan sa sidewalk. Okupado ng vendors!”

13: Joseph Estrada: “A legal study shows that the chicken can still cross the road even if it has failed to complete its first attempt to get to the other side.”

12: Albay Gov. Joey Salceda: “The important thing is the chicken didn’t get run over. Such a lucky bitch!”

11: Cory Aquino: “Why did the chicken cross the road? Let us all pray so that the truth will come out.”

10: President Arroyo: “I reiterate: my government is focused on the economy. We will not be bothered by the noise created by some fowls marching in some streets.”

9: CBCP: “We are also for the truth and we believe that no one should prevent witnesses from talking. But please, leave the chicken alone and let it finish its journey to the other side!”

8: Sen. Joker Arroyo: “Don’t mess around with my chicken!”

7: Sen. Jamby Madrigal: “Let’s subpoena the chicken and ask why. If it refuses to talk, I will expose its secrets.”

6: Sen. Panfilo Lacson: “I have a surprise witness who will tell us why the chicken crossed the road. Ladies and gentlemen… my witness!”

5: Leo San Miguel: “Aba malay ko! Wala akong alam d’yan.”

4: Benjamin Abalos: “Preposterous! I categorically deny na nagbanta akong ipapapatay ang manok na ‘yan kaya biglang tumawid sa kabila!”

3: CHEd Chairman Romulo Neri: “I heard that motorists always try to beat the red light in that street. I believe the chicken crossed the road to moderate their speed.”

2: Jun Lozada: “Kinabahan kasi ang chicken nang lapitan ito ng tatlong tandang na hindi nagpakilala. Naalala tuloy niya ang nangyari noon kina McChicken at Chickenjoy… kinidnap tapos pinatay.”

And the No. 1 answer to the question, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

1: First Gentleman Mike Arroyo: “You keep saying that the chicken crossed the road but where is your evidence!? Maglabas muna kayo ng ebidensya!”

HERE’S TWO MORE:
Philippine Daily Inquirer (Banner Story): “Unnamed sources say the chicken crossed the road to lay eggs”

Two days later…

Philippine Daily Inquirer (Erratum): “We would like to apologize to the chicken. It couldn’t possibly lay eggs as what we have previously reported because the chicken was in fact – a rooster!”

Enjoy your vacation!

POLITICS & LOVE

Top 10 Valentine’s Day Messages

10 To: Jamby
From: Pia Cayetano

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I bet you enjoy “flowers”
More than Neri & John O do

9 To: Jose De Venecia
From: Your former allies in Congress

With heavy hearts we made it happen
The Speakership was declared open
The hell we care if we’re a bunch of dork
Between him and GMA?!
Our choice is… pork!

8 To: Joey DV III
From: Joe DV Jr.

You made Daddy so proud
When you stood up for truth
So just keep doin’ what is right
And stay away from jutes!

7 To: President Arroyo
From: Noli De Castro

My Valentine’s Day wish for you madam:
Two more productive years in Malacañang
I think we’re headed in the right direction
So why the need for a snap election?

6 To: Jun Lozada
From: Ben Abalos

Roses are red
Golf courses are green
If you go near Wack Wack
Patay ka sa akin!

5 To: Romy Neri
From: Jun Lozada

Forgive me oh dear friend if I testified
Believe me, I’m so afraid that’s why I cried
But no matter what, even if I’ve died
You’ll always be a part of my short, so-called life. (Awwr!)

4 To: Joker
From: Jun Lozada

You pictured me as if
i’m the god of strife
You seem to know me well
but do you know your wife?

3 To: Jun Lozada
From: Mike Defensor

In my dreams, you were blue and you were so alone
So I opted to cheer you up by planning a presscon
But woe is me! I’m baffled you sided with the nuns
In spite of my best efforts, despite the 50 grand!

2 To: Jun Lozada
From: Miriam

How do I loathe thee?
Let me count the goats.

And the number 1 Valentine’s Day message…

To: Mike
From: Gloria

This Valentine’s Day I got a special gift
It is from Powerbooks’ bestsellers list
Together on V-Day, we’ll stay home and just read
This new book that’s titled: “How To Moderate Your Greed”

Have a romantic Hearts Day everyone!