HOLY WEAK 2011


Modernong Talasalitaan:
Holy Week Edition

Makabagong kahulugan ng mga salita, parirala o pangungusap batay sa mga kaganapan sa ating kapaligiran. Ang kahulugan ay maaaring madagdagan, mabawasan, o maiba depende sa mga susunod na pangyayari.

1. Mahal na Araw
Ang karaniwang tawag sa huling pitong araw ng Kuwaresma o Lent.
Tumutukoy rin sa sitwasyong kinasasadlakan ngayon ng maraming Pilipino.
Halimbawa:
Lalaki 1: Pareng Cesar, pahiram naman ng 500, pambili lang ng gatas ni Junior.
Lalaki 2: Pasensya na pareng Andoy. Kulang pang pambili ng bigas at asukal ang pera ko eh. Mahal na Araw kasi. Nagtaasan nang lahat.

2. Penitensya
Isang tradisyong ginagawa ng mga Katoliko tuwing Semana Santa.
Tumutukoy rin sa pang-araw-araw na karanasan ng mga ordinaryong Pilipino dahil sa kabiguan ng kasalukuyang pamahalaang pigilan ang pagtaas ng presyo ng gasolina at bilihin, toll rate, pamasahe sa taxi, tren, jeep, at tricycle, gayundin ang bayarin sa tubig at kuryente,
Halimbawa:
Reporter: Mang Mario, magpi-penitensya ho ba kayo ngayong Biyernes Santo?
Lalaki: Bakit? Hindi pa ba sapat ang araw-araw na penitensya ko? Give me a break, would you? (Sa sobrang inis, nag-Ingles tuloy si Mang Mario)

3. Kalbaryo
Ang lugar kung saan namatay si Jesus ayon sa Bibliya.
Tumutukoy rin sa lugar na kinaroroonan ngayon ng malaking populasyon ng mga Pilipino.
Halimbawa:
Teacher: Kulasa De La Cruz! Where do you live?
Pupil: Good morning ma’am! Sabi po ng nanay at tatay ko, nasa kalbaryo daw po kami.
Teacher: Very good! Pareho tayo! O s’ya, bili ka na ng tocino ko.

4. Visita Iglesia
Isang tradisyong ginagawa ng mga Katoliko tuwing Mahal na Araw.
Tumutukoy rin sa tradisyong ginagawa ng mga trapo tuwing panahon ng eleksyon.
Halimbawa:
Reporter: Congressman, sa’n ang lakad n’yo? Bihis na bihis kayo ah.
Congressman: Ahhh d’yan lang. Magbi-Visita Iglesia ako. Alam mo naman kung gaano kahalaga ang bloc voting ‘di ba?


Semana Santa
It’s that annual Roman Catholic tradition again. As in the previous years, some political figures and government officials are participating in various Holy Week activities.

Former AFP chiefs of staff Efren Abu, Roy Cimatu, and Diomedio Villanueva are organizing a senakulo. They want former military budget officer George Rabusa to play Judas.

The Ligot couple has been reportedly dropped from a senakulo production in their community. They keep forgetting their lines.

There’s a brewing competition between the AFP and Congress in this year’s passion play. Only two are required to play the role of thieves but so many are qualified for the part.

In Makati City, the senakulo will feature Vice President Jejomar Binay… in a special role in which he will attempt to stop the crucifixion of Jesus. In the end though, he’s going to fail.

Retired Major General Carlos F. Garcia is playing Barabbas. He looks forward to striking a deal with Pontius Pilate for a lesser offense.

Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile auditioned for several roles but was rejected repeatedly. Organizers say he is best suited to play Methuselah but that’s not one of the characters in the play.

President Aquino has declined an invitation to participate in a modern senakulo in Tarlac. In one of the scenes, he is required to decide where to bury Hestas, one of the thieves. So as not to disappoint the organizers, he asked Vice President Binay to decide for him instead.

In the news

Vice President Jejomar Binay visited actress Pilar Pilapil in the hospital last Saturday. Binay told her, “’Wag kang mag-alala, iso-solve ito ng pulis.” To which, Pilapil said, “Salamat po Mr. DILG secretary!”

Vice President Jejomar Binay visited alleged carjacking, and stabbing victim Pilar Pilapil in the hospital last Saturday. In totally unrelated news, Mar Roxas is planning to visit the wake of teen actor AJ Perez soon.

Probers say the stabbing of actress Pilar Pilapil could possibly be a case of carjacking, kidnapping or plain robbery. In short, “we’re not sure.”


Marcos Burial
As instructed by President Aquino, Vice President Binay is now studying the issue of whether or not former President Ferdinand Marcos should be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Binay is conducting a survey via email or text message. Ang tanong: Saan ninyo gustong itirik ang dating pangulo?

Just Now
The Ombudsman has recommended the filing of charges against former Agriculture undersecretary Jocjoc Bolante, former Agriculture chief Cito Lorenzo and several others for the alleged misuse of the government’s fertilizer funds. In totally unrelated news, the Vatican is filing charges against those responsible for the death of Jesus Christ.

Black Saturday
President Aquino is studying whether to declare April 23, Black Saturday a holiday. If by Tuesday, he couldn’t still come up with a decision, he’ll just ask Vice President Jejomar Binay to decide.

Briefly Noted
Did she change her birth name? According to the Philippine Star’s tabloid, Pilipino Star Ngayon, Pilar Pilapil’s real name is Crispina Martinez-Belen. Ano raw? The only Crispina Martinez-Belen I know is the entertainment editor of the Manila Bulletin. To the reporter and editor of Pilipino Star Ngayon, naimbento na po ang Google. Libre po ito. Gamitin n’yo.


—————————————————–
“All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.”
~Cathy Ladman

In Memoriam
Antonello Joseph “AJ” Perez
February 17, 1993 – April 17, 2011
The ABS-CBN teen star was killed in a vehicular accident in Tarlac before dawn Sunday, April 17, 2011. His last post on Twitter reads, “On the way home already from Dagupan. Long drive ahead.”

Long drive ahead indeed. RIP AJ.

You Have Spoken
Gusto mo bang bumalik sa telebisyon si Willie Revillame?
– Oo naman. Pagbigyan natin. Promise, last na ‘to. 12.16%
– Isang malaking NOOOO! ‘Di siya kawalan sa TV. 73.56%
– Wala akong pakialam. 14.29%

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Have a safe and less-naughty week ahead!

SHE WILL SURVIVE


PRESIDENT ARROYO has officially filed her certificate of candidacy for a Congressional seat in her home province of Pampanga in next year’s polls. This parody of a Gloria Gaynor hit was inspired by this latest political development.

Note: Before you start singing, please right click this link and open in a new window for musical accompaniment.

GMA:
“First, I am not afraid
I’m not petrified
Kept thinking I could always live
with immunity by my side
Though I spent so many nights
thinking I did nothing wrong
I am strong
I learned how to carry on

So I’ll go back
to my old place
’Though I walked out to find you all
with that mad look upon your face
I should replace my stupid son
I’d soon be their congresswoman
If I had known it’s quick and easy
I should’ve just run for VP

THE PEOPLE:
Go on now go, walk out the door
just disappear now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who tried not to bid your post goodbye
you think you’d Con Ass
you think we’d let you even try

GMA:
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as i know how to bribe
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my cash to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to fight
the media, the Left, and all bishops
and I spent oh so many nights
rehearsing how to perfect lies
I will not cry
I will hold my head up high

And you’ll see me
in Congress soon
I will not be that stuck-up person
who refused to hold press cons
I now hope for charter change
In twenty-ten, yeah, hopefully
I’ll be saving all my power
for what else? Prime Ministry!

THE PEOPLE:
Go on now go, walk out the door
just disappear now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who freed Bolante and Garci
you think they’re friendly
you redefined impunity

GMA:
Oh no, not I
I will survive
oh as long as i know how to bribe
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my cash to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive hey hey

Thank you Ms Pia Hontiveros-Pagkalinawan for featuring this post on ANC’s Strictly Politics.
_________
“Doesn’t the fight for survival also justify swindle and theft? In self defense, anything goes.” ~Imelda Marcos

Survey Says
Who should be 2009’s “Filipino(s) of the Year?”
Efren Peñaflorida and his “Kariton Klassroom” group :31%
Manny Pacquiao for his 7th world title :5%
Ordinary Filipinos/volunteers during the onslaught of twin typhoons Ondoy and Pepeng :64%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

BELO THE BELT

arroyobeauty Beauty 101
If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look for Bolante or Mike Arroyo, go to St. Luke’s.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like the Alabang Boys, wear shades.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Manny Villar… that’ll be two Manny Villars? Double na naman?!?

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Bino De La Paz, play golf with the Pangandamans.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Mar Roxas… p*tang-ina, seryoso ka? You wanna look like him?!?

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like a tech-savvy Communist, go to the Netherlands and give orders to your army via the Internet.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Jinggoy and Joseph Estrada, go to Ateneo.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look like Mike Enriquez, go to La Salle.

If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. If you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo. But if you want to look invincible despite allegations of massive corruption? Go to hell!

boy-abunda-king-of-talk-01 Vicki vs. Boy
Interviewed on Showbiz Central last Sunday, Dr. Vicki Belo quipped, “If you want to look like Boy Abunda, go to Calayan. But if you want to look like Dingdong or Piolo, go to Belo.” Boy Abunda felt insulted, and was hurt and shocked… mainly because the remark came from the same person who started his deterioration.

Vicki vs. Boy II
A (self-serving) survey conducted by ABS-CBN’s Showbiz News Ngayon on Tuesday night asked, “Amid the rivalry between Drs. Vicki Belo and Manny Calayan, kanino ka pupunta? (A) Belo (B) Calayan (C) None. The economy is so bad, the voters actually picked Ellen Lising. (‘Sing chaka pero ‘di ‘sing mahal!)

calayan Vicki vs. Boy III
In response to Dr. Vicki Belo’s controversial remark, Dr. Manny Calayan said, “There’s a simple reason to our ‘To C is to believe’ campaign and that’s more about inner beauty that’s from a good and sincere heart like Boy Abunda which transcends outward a person’s life and touches other’s people’s lives. And through that inner beauty, we see and believe in the beauty of other people and we believe in their goodness.”
For that statement alone, Dr. Manny Calayan automatically earned a Top 10 spot in next week’s Bb. Pilipinas pageant!

Vicki vs. Boy IV
Addressing Dr. Vicki Belo’s “insulting” remark, TV host Boy Abunda said, “We had more good times than bad. This is not the Vicki I know.” That was the same sentiment echoed by Vicki Belo’s… mirrors.
—————–
Survey Says…
Did you play the Super Lotto last week?
Results:
Yes: 43%
No: 39%
No need. I’m rich!: 14%
Bawal sa sekta ko: 3%
Others: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
__________________
“People say I’m extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?”
~Imelda Marcos

JUST GOT LUCKY


Lotto Draw
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, just imagine a congressman winning three consecutive House terms.

Lotto Draw II
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, just imagine four DOJ prosecutors dismissing six drug-related charges against nine Alabang Boys.

Lotto Draw III
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine Jocjoc Bolante disbursing half of the controversial fertilizer funds.


Lotto Draw IV
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine the Euro generals attending an Interpol conference in Russia 47 times.

Lotto Draw IV
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine E.C. De Luna Construction winning three World Bank-funded projects.

Lotto Draw V
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine you’re the First Gentleman and you’re friends with Eduardo De Luna who won at least 22 World Bank-funded projects.

Lotto Draw VI
Later, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in history. And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, imagine Dr. Hayden Kho the first time Dr. Vicki Belo said yes to him.

Lotto Draw VII
Tonight, a lucky super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos, the biggest lottery prize in Philippine history. NBN Channel 4 is also hoping to establish a new record – its highest television ratings in years.

Lotto Draw VIII
The biggest lottery prize in Philippine history is up for grabs tonight: a super lotto bettor could win as much as 330 million pesos! And in case you’re wondering how it feels like to win such ginormous amount, don’t just sit there! Go out and bet! (When I’m done with this blog post, I’ll gonna go out and buy a ticket!)

alma In Other News…
Ness Remarries

I guess you’ve heard the news. Parañaque City councilor Alma Moreno has remarried. She wed Marawi City mayor Sultan Fahad “Pre” Salic. From Mayor “Tsong” of Luzon to Mayor “Pre” of Mindanao. Believe me, Mayor “Tol” of Visayas is next.

belog Belo Sued
A US-based 50-year-old woman has sued well-known cosmetic surgeon Dr. Vicki Belo after her face became swollen following an alleged bungled cosmetic procedure… something that was not really surprising considering how Belo failed to perfect a similar procedure on her own face.

Survey Says…
Where should Lance Corporal Daniel Smith be detained?
Results:
US Embassy: 42%
New Bilibid Prisons: 40%
I have a place: 13%
Others: 5%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.

__________
“I wasn’t lucky. I deserved it.”
~Margaret Thatcher

LOVE IN THE TIME OF POLITICS

Top 10 Political Valentine Card Messages

10. To Lance Corporal Daniel Smith
From New Bilibid Prisons Inmates

Roses are red
Violets are blue
We’re so excited
Can’t wait for you.

9. To The Senate
From Jocjoc Bolante

How do I lie thee?
Let me count the ways.

8. To the Three Alabang Boys
From PDEA Director Dionisio Santiago

O, drug dealers na makapangyarihan
Sampung prosecutors ang nasasaklawan
Kapag pumasok kayo saan mang kulungan
Susuhulan lahat lumaya ka lamang.

7. To DOJ Prosecutor John Resado
From The Alabang Boys

Thank you for tryin’
we appreciate it
Just return our money
or get mired in deep shit.

6. To All German Nationals in the Philippines
From Sen. Lito Lapid with Love on Valentine’s Day

Penpen de sarapen
De kutsilyo de almasen
Haw haw de carabao
De van hauten.

5. To Loren
From Your ex, Tony Leviste

All alone in my cell, I think of you my darling
Will you visit me today for an hour of canoodling?
I’ve got a bed, two soft pillows, and a tv set to boot
I vow to be gentle, I promise not to shoot!

4. To Ping and Jamby
From Manny Villar

On Valentine’s Day I forgive, I forget
Just stop the big fuss about the C-5 budget
Double insertion? Did you say I’m guilty?
My wife’s a billionaire so that’s a baloney!

3. To Korina
From Mar Roxas

Thanks for the support oh my dearest one
Next year, I promise, we’ll be in Malacañang
“First Lady” of the land, isn’t that what you wanted?
And I, your President, ‘tang ina, I’m excited!

2. To The World Bank and the Senate
From First Gentleman Mike Arroyo

On this day of hearts, I appeal to thee
My heart is so weak, so please have some mercy
Hearsay! Malicious! The reports are baseless
Even if you ask Merceditas Gutierrez!

And the No. 1 Political Valentine Card Message…

1. To President Arroyo
From US President Barack Obama

I really am sorry for ignoring you dear
I just don’t feel comfy whenever you’re near
My target is to make the U.S.A. better
While your only goal is to change a Charter!
________

Another New York Plane Crash
A Continental Express plane with 48 people aboard crashed into a Buffalo home in upstate New York. But here’s a more shocking revelation. Unknown to everyone, during US President Barack Obama’s inauguration, a commercial plane ran out of gas while flying over Washington DC. Luckily, the pilot safely landed the aircraft… on Aretha Franklin’s hat.

paule Paule in Pasay
Remember businessman Jaime Paule? The alleged bagman in the P728M fertilizer fund scam who was ordered arrested by the Senate at the St. Luke’s Medical Center is now detained at the Pasay City jail. Isn’t that a double whammy? Makukulong ka na nga lang sa Pasay City Jail pa! And did you see the detention cell? That’s not a jail man. That’s a cage!

Australian Wildfires
Australian authorities have arrested an arson suspect responsible for the wildfires that have so far killed 181 people and left thousands homeless. Nope, there’s no truth to rumors that the suspect was arrested at the St. Luke’s Medical Center.

Elsewhere…
Check out the fascinating story about a boy who fathered a child at 13.
_________

Survey Says…
Are you going out on a romantic date on Valentine’s Day?
Results:
No: 36%
Date? What date?! : 32%
Hopefully: 18%
Yes: 14%
Others: 1%

We have a new survey. Please vote now.
_________

“Minamalat na naman ang puso ko. Pa’no kasi, laging isinisigaw ang pangalan mo.”
~Filipino Pick-up Line

TWELVE (BAD) DAYS

THE 12 BAD DAYS OF CHRISTMAS


On the first day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
A crazed Justice Secretary


On the second day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the third day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the fourth day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Four Garci calls
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the fifth day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Five GMAs
Four Garci calls
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the sixth day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Six Jocjoc lying
Five GMAs
Four Garci calls
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the seventh day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Seven Charter changin’
Six Jocjoc lying
Five GMAs
Four Garci calls
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the eight day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Eight Roxas cursing
Seven Charter changin’
Six Jocjoc lying
Five GMAs
Four Garci calls
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the ninth day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Nine Villars inserting
Eight Roxas cursing
Seven Charter changin’
Six Jocjoc lying
Five GMAs
Four Garci calls
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the tenth day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Ten bishops ranting
Nine Villars inserting
Eight Roxas cursing
Seven Charter changin’
Six Jocjoc lying
Five GMAs
Four Garci calls
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the eleventh day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Eleven Reds a-purging
Ten bishops ranting
Nine Villars inserting
Eight Roxas cursing
Seven Charter changin’
Six Jocjoc lying
Five GMAs
Four Garci calls
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary


On the twelfth day of Christmas
Bad Santa sent to me
Twelve Eraps comebacking
Eleven Reds a-purging
Ten bishops ranting
Nine Villars inserting
Eight Roxas cursing
Seven Charter changin’
Six Jocjoc lying
Five GMAs
Four Garci calls
Three oil firms
Two JDVs
And a crazed Justice Secretary!

____________
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato

THREATS


House Junks Impeachment Complaint
Voting 183 to 21, the House of Representatives junked the impeachment complaint filed against President Arroyo by Jose “Joey” De Venecia III et al. Rep. Rissa Hontiveros-Baraquel threatened to seek redress from the Supreme Court. Leftist solon Satur Ocampo threatened to hold street protests. Cong. Jose De Venecia threatened to publish another book.

Joey’s Threat
After the junking of the impeachment complaint he filed against President Arroyo, businessman Jose “Joey” De Venecia III sent a warning to the congressmen who voted against the impeachment: “You may have won this battle, but the war is far from over.” He then instructed his secretary to prepare the draft… of his biography.

Joey’s Threat II
Jose “Joey” De Venecia III sent another warning to all congressmen who voted against the impeachment case. He said, “Look into the horizon and you will see a tidal wave of people angered by the abuses of this administration. Beware, lest that tidal wave turn into a tsunami that will swamp you all.” Now, isn’t that stupid? Talking about “waves” and “tsunamis” while addressing a float of crocodiles?

Velarde’s Threat Too
El Shaddai leader Mike Velarde threatened to mobilize a million of his followers in street protests if President Arroyo’s allies insist on amending the constitution. Malacañang was a bit shaken by the threat. While high-ranking palace officials knew the government is good at making fools of Filipinos, Mike Velarde does it better.

Jocjoc Rearrested
The Senate sergeant-at-arms rearrested former agriculture undersecretary Jocelyn “Jocjoc” Bolante for contempt. The arrest warrant was served at the office of Bolante’s lawyers in Makati City. It took several minutes before Jocjoc faced the arresting officers… mainly because his lawyers couldn’t agree on what body part he should clutch this time: his head or his stomach.

Jocjoc Rearrested II
In a statement following his arrest, Jocjoc Bolante pointed out that he was still under detention by virtue of an arrest order issued by the 13th Congress. But with the new arrest order, Bolante said, “I am now on double arrest.” His lawyers are verifying reports Sen. Manuel Villar had something to do with it.

Actor Remarries
Actor Raymond Bagatsing, the estranged husband of Lara Fabregas, remarried in the United States. He wed a 60-year-old woman named Cora Pastrana. When Hayden Kho saw the photos of the newly weds on TV, he fainted. For a second, he thought he saw his future.

_________
I eat death threats for breakfast.
~Miriam Defensor-Santiago

LET THERE BE LIGHT

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Light Bulb Jokes: Pinoy Version

How many senators does it take to change a light bulb?
Fourteen. One to change it, and 13 to keep the ladder steady.

How many senate presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Senate presidents don’t last as long as light bulbs.

How many Filipinos does it take to change a light bulb?
Five hundred thousand to 1 million. But that was during Cardinal Sin’s time. Today, few people notice the burnt out bulb.

How many Malacañang officials does it take to change a light bulb?
What change? Its bulb life is until 2010. Let it expire!

How many presidential contenders from the opposition does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If more than one wanted to change it, Erap will just do it himself.

How many members of the House committee on justice does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends. How much?

How many press secretaries does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But he needs a lot of prayers to ensure the thing will work beyond its bulb life.

How many Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn’t matter. Light bulb or none, they refuse to see the light.

How many De Venecias does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One: a son to bid for a change in light bulb, and the other, a father to lobby for his son’s bid.

How many Villars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Which one? There are two identical light bulbs.

How many Lacsons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to shoot the old bulb out, and one to screw the new one in.

How many Madrigals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don’t have light bulbs. They have chandeliers.

How many Madrigal scions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
There’s no way you could force them to change a light bulb together.

How many Miriam Defensor-Santiagos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. As long as the extent of space between the lower and upper interior surface of the room is proportionally manageable vis-à-vis the distance from the base of the phalanges to the cranium.

How many Jejomar Binays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Don’t be too negative. Darkness per se is not bad.

How many Jocjoc Bolantes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he needs to undergo a series of check up first.

How many Lito Lapids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Huh? What’s a light bulb?

How many Bong Revillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Bong Revilla will screw anything.

How many ZTE-NBN deal witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But he needs the support of the La Salle Brothers to accomplish it.

How many Meralco executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just pass the task to its customers.

How many euro generals does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. Seven to change it, and one to take all the blame if the light bulb fails.

How many NPA rebels does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to buy the bulb from the store, one to screw it in, and another to collect revolutionary tax from the storeowner.

How many gay congressmen and senators does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They’d rather stay in the dark.

How many El Shaddai members does it take to change a light bulb?
Don’t bother. Yahweh will change it.

How many Iglesia ni Cristo members does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten percent.

How many Villaraza Cruz Marcelo & Angangco, or ACCRA lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many Caltex, Petron, and Shell executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They prefer screwing all of us!

How many President Arroyos does it take to change a light bulb?
At least four. (Just to make sure she’ll reach the ceiling.)

Enjoy your three-day break!

THE FIRST GENTLEMAN


Emergency Landing
On its way to Lima via Los Angeles for the APEC Summit in Peru, President Arroyo’s plane made an emergency landing in Japan after her husband fell ill on board. ABS-CBN first reported the First Gentleman had suffered a heart attack. Other networks said he experienced stomach cramps; some reported he had chest and back pains. Whatever the real reason was, one thing was sure: for a moment, journalists thought the Philippines would have its second widow president.

President Arroyo’s plane was forced to make an emergency landing at Kansai airport in Osaka, Japan when First Gentleman Mike Arroyo fell ill. Sketchy reports say President Arroyo thought the First Gentleman was just joking inside the plane when he began clutching his chest. She reportedly told him, “Hmpf! Tigilan mo nga ako. Napanood ko na ‘yan eh. Ginawa na ‘yan nung lalaki sa wheelchair.”

President Arroyo left her husband in Japan to attend the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation forum in Lima, Peru. After all, he is now “stable and okay;” the Philippine economy is not.

Some sources say the First Gentleman will soon fly back to Manila via a Japanese charter plane. This travel arrangement will definitely push through… unless Mikey Arroyo insists on a charter change.

Malacañang is appealing for prayers for the quick recovery of the First Gentleman. Press Secretary Jess Dureza offered to lead the prayer but was politely declined.

Late last night, ABS-CBN News online posted a screaming headline saying the First Gentleman had suffered a heart attack. It turned out to be inaccurate though. But just the same, ABS-CBN never felt so good writing that incorrect news item.

A palace statement says First Gentleman Mike Arroyo is now out of danger. Then, the country is still in danger.

President Arroyo’s plane was forced to make an emergency landing at Kansai airport in Osaka when First Gentleman Mike Arroyo fell ill. Asked if he knew where Osaka was, Sen. Lito Lapid said, “Of course! Ano ako tanga? May branches ‘yan sa Cubao, Baclaran, Guadalupe at Quiapo. D’yan ako nagpapacheck-up ng mata!”

In Other News
Sen. Loren Legarda attended the SRO premiere of Dingdong Dantes and Marian Rivera’s movie One True Love at SM Megamall earlier in the week. The two young stars met Loren in person for the first time. When Marian said, “Hi ma’am, I am Marian,” she replied, “Hi Marian. I am Senator Loren.” When Dingdong said, “Hi Senator, I am Dingdong,” she replied, “Hi Dingdong. I am single.”

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So many people spend their health gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain their health.
~AJ Reb Materi

SCANDALICIOUS

Postscript to the Senate Probe
Senators found it particularly unbelievable and incredible that Jocjoc Bolante alone (as he claimed) could have caused the release of P728 million. The Senate has ordered a thorough review of Bolante’s appointment papers. They wanted to make sure he was appointed “undersecretary” and not “president.”

Journalists observed how cool Jocjoc Bolante was when he appeared before the Senate. Still, he was no match for Jinggoy Estrada who was in his usual “saksakan ng hangin” element during the hearing.

Guess who came at the Bolante hearing? Jun Lozada. Yup, the favorite witness of the La Salle community was even caught by tv cameras smiling. You know why? Because three more months with the La Salle Brothers, and he’ll be allowed to officiate his first mass.

Top 5 Reasons Why It Took Some Time Before Retired PNP Director for Comptrollership Eliseo De La Paz Could Surrender to the Senate

5: His wife has just finished hiding vital pieces of evidence: the Louis Vuittons, Pradas, Dolce & Gabbanas, and Manolo Blahniks she purchased during the Moscow shopping spree.

4: He waited for another scandal to break open so the public would forget about the “Euro generals.” Unfortunately though, the only controversy that broke out after the “Moscow mess” was the dismissal of Cristy Fermin from “The Buzz.”

3: It took weeks before his superiors at the PNP & the DILG could decide whether to use the term “cash advance,” “contingency fund” or “intelligence fund” during the next hearing. Finally, they settled for… “bahala ka na.”

2. For weeks, he “wished” he had chest pains, esophagitis, gastritis, ulcers, and even a sleeping disorder but doctors at the St. Luke’s Medical Center repeatedly said, “No sir, you’re totally healthy. We cannot admit you.”

And the No. 1 reason why it took some time before retired PNP comptroller Eliseo De La Paz could surrender to the Senate…

1: He had to wait for the Senate hearing on Jocjoc Bolante to conclude. And after watching the proceedings, he realized, “If Jocjoc survived Jinggoy, I will survive Miriam.”

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And nobody lies as much as the indignant do.
–Friedrich Nietzsche