Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why do you want this job?

Duterte: I don’t! Napilitan lang talaga.

In a recent survey commissioned by a Davao-based businessman, Social Weather Stations asked the respondents: “Kasama dito si Rodrigo Duterte bilang isang substitute candidate. Sino po ang malamang ninyong iboboto bilang PRESIDENTE NG PILIPINAS, kung ang eleksyon ay gaganapin ngayon?” Results showed Mayor Duterte was leading. Very much like the survey question.

Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says to rid the country of corruption and felony, five criminals must be killed every week. If strictly followed, it would still take 65 days to totally wipe out Congress.

Wrong Number
Davao City Mayor Rodrigo Duterte has denied rumors he had killed 700 people. During an ambush interview, the presidential aspirant clarified he killed “around 1,700” – the same number of jokes that have come out of his mouth since he declared his bid for the presidency.

If elected president, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte will impose a 1 AM curfew for commercial establishments in the National Capital Region. In other news, the results of the latest NCR survey are out. From first place in November, Duterte has now dropped to fourth.

Job Interview
They say running for president is like applying for a job. Here’s what could happen if we interview them.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss (Filipinos): Where do you see yourself in five years?

Binay: In a house.

Boss: Vacation?

Binay: House arrest.

Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why should we hire you?

*Duterte pulls out a gun*

Boss: When do you wanna start?

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: What are your weaknesses?

Poe: Numbers.

Boss: Math?

Poe: No. Counting, especially months and years.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: What are your salary requirements?

Mar: Salary? Ha-ha-ha! SALARY!? Bwa-ha-ha!


Mar: Sorry. Natawa talaga ako. Mapera na ako. I just wanna win.

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: Are you a leader or a follower?

Poe: I’m an American.


Poe: Just kidding! I got you there. Ha-ha-ha! Biro lang.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: What did you like least about your last job?

Binay: Ahmmm… the City Hall 2 parking.


Binay: And my vice mayor too.

Applicant: Rodrigo Duterte
Boss: Why do you want this job?

Duterte: I don’t! Napilitan lang talaga.


Duterte: O, ba’t ganyan ka tumingin? ‘Yan ang totoo eh. Anong magagawa ko?! Pisti!

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: Have you ever been fired from a job?

Binay: May tsismis pa lang. Baka raw sa February. ‘Di ko pa sure. Let’s see.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: How would you deal with an angry or irate customer?

Mar: No. The question should be: How would you deal with an angry or irate me?


Mar: Seryoso! Nagmumura ako ‘pag galit.

Applicant: Grace Poe
Boss: Where were you born?


Boss: Awkwaaaaard. Sorry. Let me rephrase the question.

Applicant: Mayor Duterte
Boss: How would you fire someone?


Boss: Awkwaaaard! Let me rephrase the question again.

Applicant: Mar Roxas
Boss: Aside from your wife, what is your biggest weakness?


Boss: Awkwaaaard! Sorry. Let me reph

Mar: Don’t. Actually, s’ya talaga.

Applicant: Jejomar Binay
Boss: To answer your question, no, you don’t call us. We will call you.

Binay: Kesyo ba pandak, nognog, mahirap… hindi na matatanggap?

Boss: Oo. Gano’n na nga.


Boss: Awkwaaaaard! Joke lang.

Republican candidate Donald Trump wants to ban Muslims from entering the United States. The outspoken businessman has been attacking Muslims recently. He’s got some really harsh words for them – fueling speculations he was molested by an imam when he was a freshman high school.

Businessman and potential Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has proposed to ban all Muslims from entering the United States. In response, Muslims have proposed to ban assholes from entering the presidential elections.
“Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear.”
~ Bertrand Russell, Unpopular Essays

Sound Bites
“Ang gobyerno o ang mga tao na umaabuso sa mga karapatang pantao ay lumalabag sa International Human Rights at walang karapatang mamuno sa ating bansa.”
~Sen. Grace Poe

Uphold the law.

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Poe/Roxas/Binay:; Duterte/Cayetano: GMA Network; Donald Trump: Business Insider]

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