SLAM DUNK

HAPPY BIRTHDAY President Aquino! The President turned 54 on February 8. You know the President is getting old when his age is now higher than his net satisfaction rating.

The President was born on February 8, 1960. He’s an Aquarian. According to astrologers, Aquarians are “inefficient” and “detached.” To which the President reacted, “Excuse me! I am not inefficient.”

President Aquino just turned 54. He’s still single but is very much hopeful. Related: Hugh Hefner was 87 when he married Crystal Harris.

When reporters asked about his birthday wish, the President answered, “Better communities, more resilient to disasters.” The answer was applauded, and he went on to win 1st runner-up.

Noy License
Two days before he turned 54, President Aquino went to LTO Tayuman to renew his driver’s license. A palace statement said, “The President, who has rejected the so-called wang-wang mentality since he assumed office in 2010, waited in line along with other license applicants.” Fortunately, the whole process was really fast. The only thing faster was Malacanang’s drafting of that press release.

Last Thursday, President Aquino waited in line at LTO-Tayuman to renew his driver’s license. Or as The Daily Tribune would say, “Aquino loiters, wastes time at LTO”

According to an LTO officer, “The President was surprised at how fast his license was processed.” The whole process was completed in just 26 minutes. Or in President Aquino’s terms, “four sticks.”

Even ordinary folks who queued up for a new license at the LTO were surprised at how fast the processing was. They’re not used to that speed. It was like being “raped” by Vhong Navarro.

ruby jinggoy
THE COLD days are over. Summer is here soon. In fact, right now Jinggoy Estrada and Juan Ponce Enrile are feeling the heat.

Ruby Tuason, Erap Estrada’s friend and former social secretary is back! Tagged in the multi-billion peso pork scam, Tuason admitted, in a sworn statement, that she delivered pork barrel kickbacks to Jinggoy and Enrile since 2004! A rabid Estrada said Tuason’s allegation was a lie. It was 2005.

Jinggoy Estrada was furious. He told ABS-CBN News that Tuason brought him pancit, empanaditas and sandwiches only. And we all thought he was on a diet then.

According to Justice Secretary Leila De Lima, Ruby Tuason’s statement which corroborates the whistle-blowers’ testimony against suspected pork scammers is a “slam dunk evidence.” But even before Tuason’s statement could be made public, Jinggoy Estrada told the press he knew Tuason would pin him down. Now that’s goal tending.

The “slam dunk evidence” that was announced by Secretary De Lima was just a “lay up” according to Jinggoy Estrada. That’s FOUL! Tuason’s shot was counted.

Jinggoy Estrada said Ruby Tuason’s testimony was just a “lay up.” He insisted that “In the end, the truth will prevail and I will be vindicated.” Let’s see if he could rebound.

Addressing Ruby Tuason on TV, Jinggoy Estrada said, “Tita Ruby naman, let’s go straight to the facts. Sana po ‘wag naman tayong magsinungaling. Don’t concoct stories. Sabihin naman natin ‘yong totoo.” Even Jinggoy’s conscience was like, “That’s it. I give up.”

In her sworn affidavit, Ruby Tuason, a close friend of the Estradas, revealed Jinggoy Estrada would receive a 40-percent kickback for every pork transaction. In a televised interview, Jinggoy Estrada referred to Tuason as ‘tita.’ For a moment, I thought he said, “kita.”

Following Ruby Tuason’s revelations, rumors say Jinggoy Estrada is keen on delivering another privilege speech. Cong. Boyet Gonzales’s heart skipped a beat.

According to Jinggoy, Ruby Tuason only came back to “save her neck.” Today, Tuason responded by saying, “Because unlike him, I have a neck to save. Tse!”

RubyFortun
Raymond Fortun is the new lawyer-spokesman of mauling suspect, multimillionaire Cedric Lee. Fortun denied rumors though that he’s a better liar than Howard Calleja.

PMS
According to the 2013 Young Adult Fertility and Sexuality Study, 1 out of 3 Filipino youth (mostly in the 20-24 age bracket) had premarital sex. The other two were ‘still looking’ and ‘getting frustrated.’
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“Pigs are dirty, but I will tell you something dirtier: Liars! Untruth always smells like rotten garbage!”
~ Mehmet Murat ildan

Sound Bites
“Malinis ang kunsensya ko. I can look straight into your eyes Tita Ruby, you never brought any money to me.”
~JINGGOY Estrada

“The truth will set you free, as they say. So I decided to tell the truth so I don’t have to fear anyone. I don’t have to hide.”
~RUBY Tuason, close family friend and former Estrada aide

ICYMI
Here’s the lone Filipino Winter Olympian in Sochi, Russia: Michael Christian Martinez
#OpeningCeremony

Michael

Have a safe weekend!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Official Gazette, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Philippine Star, ABS-CBN News, KickerDaily.com, AP]

PORK NG INA N’YO (O, LOKO!)

untitled
ON SEPTEMBER 16, Monday, 38 people were charged with either plunder, malversation of funds, direct bribery or graft and corrupt practices. Again, that’s 38 people. Secretary De Lima called the day “historic.” Defense lawyers called it “job fair.”

Juan Ponce Enrile did not show up at the Senate last Monday. According to Jinggoy Estrada, the 89-year-old lawmaker was hospitalized. Estrada said it was high blood pressure. The public suspected it was a ‘dry run.’

Reports say around 750,000 pages of documents and evidence were turned over by the Department of Justice to the Office of the Ombudsman. The Ombudsman vows to file charges before the Sandiganbayan as soon as possible. President Aquino’s term ends in two and a half years. They don’t have much time. To which Enrile said, “Lalo naman ako!”

image
According to the National Bureau of Investigation, Senators Juan Ponce Enrile, Jinggoy Estrada and Bong Revilla pocketed some 581 million pesos in kickbacks. Of the three, the NBI said actor Bong Revilla amassed the biggest amount: P224.5M! Or as bookers would call it, “Top grosser!”

The NBI said Bong Revilla got P224.5 million from the pork barrel scam allegedly perpetrated by Janet Lim-Napoles. To give you an idea of how huge that amount was, it’s bigger than the combined earnings of ‘Ang Panday’ and ‘Ang Panday 2’ in the Metro Manila Film Festival.

Reacting to the plunder charge, Bong Revilla said, “The truth will come out.” To which “the truth” replied, “‘Wag mo kong pangunahan! ‘Di tayo close!”

Bong Revilla appealed to the public to not prejudge him. He also denied accusations he put the “bong” in “pandarambong.”

Also charged with plunder last Monday was Jinggoy Estrada . In a statement, Jinggoy said, “They are conditioning the mind of the public that we are the worst thieves.” Fine. You are NOT… the worst.

Jinggoy Estrada has been charged with plunder anew. JV Ejercito’s closest friends shouted, “Blowout! Blowout! Blowout!”

untitled2Lanete of Masbate
Former Masbate Representative and now, governor Rizalina Seachon-Lanete allegedly pocketed P108.4 million. She was charged with plunder for misusing taxpayers’ money. A separate charge was filed against her for abusing taste and beauty.

QC Pork
According to Inquirer columnist Neal Cruz, each councilor in Quezon City receives 40 million pesos in pork barrel funds per year. And Janet Napoles was like, “Syet, bakit hindi ako na-inform?!?”

Tatad’s Tale
Manila Standard Today columnist and former senator Francisco ‘Kit’ Tatad wrote that President Aquino had lunch with Janet Lim-Napoles in Malacañang on the day she reportedly surrendered. But a number of people doubted the veracity of Tatad’s story because its opening line was, “Once upon a time…”

3UAAP CDC 2013
In the recently concluded UAAP Cheerdance Competition, 8-time titlist and defending champion UP Pep Squad was dethroned. Asked how it felt to be toppled from the top spot, members of the UP men’s basketball team replied, “Ano ‘yon?”
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“Don’t let a thief into your house three times. The first time was enough. The second time was a chance. The third time means you’re stupid.”
~ C. JoyBell C.

Sound Bites
“Bakit naman ako magwi-wheelchair e sumi-sexy na nga ako?”
~Jinggoy Estrada

“This grandiose conspiracy theory peddled by Tatad is symptomatic of the old order that has been swept away. He represents what is wrong with our politics, and over the last decade, the Filipino people have made that abundantly clear by denying his return to public office twice.”
~Edwin Lacierda on Kit Tatad’s claim

Panagutin ang mga mandarambong!

I am on Twitter: @HecklerForever.

[Photos: Philippine Daily Inquirer, Interaksyon, K Revealed Blog,Rappler, UP Pep Squad Facebook Page]